#idk not fasting is sort of tough because it is actually harder to focus on you know

[saltcherry]

I'm definitely not able to safely fast from water at all this year and not entirely from food either so to minimize my food I will be restricting myself to Boring Ass Food. Rice (cold). Bread (brown, no butter). Banana (urgh). Lettuce (no dressing). If I need protein, plainest cheese.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 37

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: idk how i feel about this chapter. but hey i always doubt myself so whats new? its a bit packed maybe? lol thank you if you still read this story ILY! also i REALLY want more requests so send as many as you want!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : read the chapter first, the requests are at the bottom because they contain spoilers!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 37 : His chapter

NIALL

April 11th, 2018

We had decided to fly to Paris as soon as Olivia got her weeks off. The filming was going better than planned and she was allowed to take a few more days than we had expected. I only had one show in Paris and the very next day, I had to be in Germany but I knew she'd prefer to stay in France with her parents for a while. We hadn't discussed when she would join me but I still hoped it wouldn't take too long.

The flight was long and I had brought only the strict minimum, leaving the rest to my crew after asking them to bring everything. I would join them there and I hoped Liv would come with me to my show. I had even kept a few tickets for her parents if they were interested but I had to admit it was making me nervous to see them after so long.

I turned to look at her around the middle of the flight and she probably noticed because she turned her head my way and sent me a small smile. I reached out for her hand and she let me take it, even squeezing my fingers as her head leaned on my shoulder. I knew she was tired and I was surprised she wasn't sleeping by now even if it was a pain in the ass to sleep on a plane.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked in a low tone, the left corner of her lips raising up as her eyes scanned me. "Do I have something on my face?"

"No."

Her lips curled more and her eyebrows raised. "Okay, what's up then?"

"You're pretty." I just replied, half-closing my eyes and sending her a fond smile. "I sort of want you right now."

Her eyes moved around quickly before meeting mine again. "I think people would notice.” She chuckled and I smiled more, moving closer to be able to whisper.

"How about I join you in the bathroom in a few minutes?" I asked before moving slightly away and sending her a small smirk.

My eyes dropped to her lips and she licked them, making me groan low. She was not answering but I couldn't take my eyes off her lips. Just thinking about where they've been and realizing it had been way too long since I had felt them around my cock. Of course, I didn't expect a blowjob on a plane, if only because the bathrooms were always very tiny, but I could definitely fuck her quick and fast.

"Did you ever do that before?" she asked low, taking me out of my daydream. I looked up in her eyes and shook my head, making her raise her eyebrows. "Liar."

I chuckled. "I promise. I never did." I insisted. "But I'd love it if it changed today."

She looked around nervously again and finally nodded. "Okay. You cough and then knock once. I'll unlock the door."

Quickly, she got up and walked past me and I let my eyes follow her until she was out of sight. I waited a few minutes, shaking my leg slightly and when I finally got up too, I walked slowly to the bathroom and coughed before knocking once. I saw the notice on the door changing and quickly walked in, closing the door and locking it. It was hard not to be pressed on each other in the small room but we still had some space between us. She remained motionless, her head tilted and her lips pressed together as she smiled at me. I could see excitement in her eyes and I loved it.

"You know we could actually get banned from this airline if we get caught." she whispered, making me smile more.

"Let's not get caught then." I just pointed out as she nodded.

Her hands slipped under my shirt and I felt her fingers rub on my chest and brush on my nipples before moving back down and reaching my pants. She unzipped them quickly and searched for my dick before taking it out. I thought she'd be stressed and a bit scared and that I'd have to do everything but clearly, she had decided otherwise and I liked it. There was something very hot about her deciding to be more forward when it came to sex. I normally preferred to have control but when she would get horny and almost jump on me, it always made me want her even more.

"I didn't think it would be like that." she murmured, staring in my eyes, as her hand stroked my cock slowly, from the base to the tip.

"What do you mean?" I asked just as low, realizing it was tough to focus on her words instead of her hand, or the way her lips moved when she talked.

"I didn't think we'd always be so horny for each other. It's not like it's new."

My lips curled and I shrugged. "It sort of is." I just replied, bending down to reach her lips with mine. "Don't stop, use both hands."

She smiled against my lips and I felt her other hand push on my pants and boxers a bit before she grabbed my balls. I groaned low against her mouth before both her hands handed on my dick, pressing around it as she jerked me off a bit quicker. I could feel my cock get harder with every stroke and even if I didn't want her to stop, I knew we had to do quick.

"Move those damn sweatpants down, petal." I whispered against her lips again, making her chuckle.

"I know I should have dressed up but honestly, I hate being uncomfortable on a plane." she explained before grabbing my upper lip between hers and sucking on it gently. "At least they're easy to take off?"

I smiled more and chuckled, shaking my head slightly. "Sweatpants look good on you." I admitted. "And yes, they're easy to take off." I just added, pulling her sweatpants down and making her smile more. "Show me your tits."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes before moving her shirt off. I groaned when I realized she was not wearing a bra and my hands reached for her breasts as I ran my thumbs on her nipples, feeling them get hard against my fingers.

"These damn bathrooms aren't made for people like me." she grimaced, leaning against the wall behind her. "They should make them bigger."

"But I love having you close to me." I argued, raising my eyebrows with a small smile before making a quick head movement.

She nibbled on her bottom lip but moved one of her feet on the toilet and quickly, I reached between her legs, groaning when I slipped a finger inside her.

"How are you so wet already?"

"I touched myself while waiting for you." she admitted as my head moved up fast to meet her eyes. 

She smiled and chuckled at my facial expression and I just shook my head before crashing my mouth against hers. I started finger fucking her and rubbing her clit gently but she just squirmed and I just brought my hand to my cock, stroking it with her wetness before moving closer, putting it against her thigh. I brought her other leg back down and she moved a bit again as I pulled back slightly and then pushed myself close to her again. I could feel her thighs press on each side of my dick and her warm pussy wetting the top of it and it was driving me insane. I moved back and forth for about a minute as let her fingers grip my hair and she smiled as her eyes roamed on my face.

"I want to feel you inside me so bad." she whispered, making me smile, too.

I grabbed one of her legs quickly, moving it up, and used my other hand to hold my cock as I pushed it slowly against her walls. Her hands gripped my hair tighter as I slid inside her and I saw her eyes flutter close and her lips part. I remained still for a while as I panted, feeling her throb around my dick and knowing it could literally make me cum in only a few seconds.

"No cunt like yours, I fucking swear." I breathed out with a groan.

I closed my eyes and felt her lips brush against mine before I started fucking her, bringing my thumb to her clit, rubbing it in motion with my thrusts. It took her about two minutes to moan louder against my mouth and I kissed her deeply as she shook against me. I waited until her body relaxed and moved slightly away, sending her a smirk. I grabbed my cock as it slipped out of her and she blinked a few times.

"Move your panties up."

Her eyes got bigger and she licked her lips as I jerked myself, my eyes still looking into hers. Quickly, she grabbed her panties and moved them up but held the top to allow me to see her pussy. I brought my hand to her face and moved a lock of her hair behind her ear as I shook my head slightly.

"Holy-, you turn me on so much."

I let my fingertips brush against her cheek, my movements on my dick faltering, and I felt her hand wrap on half of mine and my cock. She started stroking me harder in motion with my own movements and it took only a few seconds for me to feel an orgasm reach me. It was the way her fingers pressed against mine and the way she bit her bottom lip, looking at me through her eyelashes as if she still wanted me even if she had already came. She let go of me and I looked down, aiming at her panties. My cum fell on her pussy and in her panties as I stared at it. I watched my semen slide down her pussy to fall in her panties and let out a low curse word. That was a fucking nice way to own her.

Her hand reached for my cock and she kept nibbling on her bottom lip as she pressed her fingers around it until the tip to milk me and make sure she didn't miss a drop. The lock of her hair had fallen back in front of her eyes and I desperately wanted to kiss her more.

"Fuck, pet, move your panties up, now."

I didn't have to ask her twice. I could see dark spots on her panties and I knew that was exactly were my cum was. She brought her hand over them and rubbed herself a few times, letting out a whimper. She pressed her lips together to stop herself from being louder and when I saw her move her sweatpants up, I put my cock back in my pants and stared at her for a few seconds.

"I'm getting out first." she whispered and we switched place and she just opened the door and looked around for a second before leaving quickly.

I remained standing there for about a minute, motionless and a bit in shock of what had just happened and when I finally sat back next to her, she cuddled me as best as she could and reached for my hand. She moved her face and kissed my jaw as I squeezed her hand tight.

"That was hot." she whispered as I turned my head to look down at her. "I can't stop thinking about your cum in my panties."

Her words made my body throb and I brought my lips to hers, kissing them gently.

"Welcome to the mile high club." I murmured with a smile. "I'm glad we joined it together."

                                                       ---

April 16th, 2018

Living at her parents' wasn't worse than living at my mom's, although I had to admit that I would rather be alone with her, simply because I knew we didn't have much time left together 24/7. I couldn't deny though that seeing her talking french and laughing with her parents made me smile. I knew she didn't see them much, just like I barely saw mine, and being there with them made her happy, which was pretty much all I cared about.

Before we got there, I was wondering what she'd tell her parents. Now that our friends knew and my mom did too (knowing her, she had probably told my dad and my brother by now), I was unsure if she wanted to tell her parents that we were together or not but she had surprised me by taking my hand in hers and kissing my lips gently from time to time. Of course, they had seen me a few weeks before when she had talked to them on skype and we had interacted, but I was not really sure what she had told them before I got back home and I was pretty sure I remembered her mom telling her something in french. That being said, it was not my place to decide and I just went along with what she said and did. Knowing she was not hiding us to them was a big step though, I believed, and the fact that we were more and more open with the people around us gave me hope that we would be official soon.

I loved the way she moved around their house like she was used to be there even if she barely visited. I loved the way her eyes scanned everywhere she could whenever we'd go outside, whether it was grocery shopping or just to take a walk. I loved the way she'd close her eyes and inhale deeply, as if this city was hers and she had missed it. I know she lived a few years here before she moved to Ireland, but how much could a 6 years old remember a city or even a country?

It took me a few days to think about it and watch her being so free, happy and in love but on the sunny afternoon of april 16th, I told her I wanted to get some pastries and left after borrowing her father's car. I was starting to be used to the town, even if Olivia's parents lived in a suburb (or 'arrondissement'), but I drove until the city to get what I needed. I had checked online and I could have easily ordered it, but I wanted to see it first and make sure everything was perfect.

The jewelry store was big but seemed quite empty. The walls were a pure shade of white and the classical music playing was soft enough to be soothing. I knew what I wanted and it took me half an hour to get everything in order but I literally stared at the ring in silence for half that time. It was a big move, I knew it, and I didn't necessarily wanted to make this official, or a big deal. I just wanted it to be a sign of commitment and love, nothing more. No pressure and no promise, except for the one to love her forever, no matter what. I had hesitated and at first, I had thought a necklace would be more appropriate. A small golden heart or something like that could have made the trick, and I knew it would make her happy, but at the same time, it would have seemed like I didn't really want to throw myself in this relationship. It would seem like I just wanted to test the water first, and honestly, that's not what I had in mind. We had a few random discussions about marriage and every time I mentioned it, she didn't seem scared, and didn't try to change the subject. Perhaps I got the wrong vibe, but at the same time, I felt like I could read her like an open book. I felt like I knew her better now than I did back then, even if we had spent over a year apart.

Yes, it was probably crazy to buy a promise ring for a girl I had broken the heart of over a year ago, and expecting her to just say yes and jump in my arms, but after the pregnancy scare we had had a few days before, I felt like this was the right thing to do. It was crazy how seeing only one bar on the test had made me sad and relieved at the same time. I was not ready for a baby, but I wanted a family with her. I wanted to marry her and give ever everything she ever wanted or would ever want. Perhaps I would have ended up in a jewelry store if she had been pregnant, too, but it would have seemed forced, and I didn't want her to believe that I wanted to marry her just because I didn't have any other choice. In fact, we both had many choices, but it was this one I made, and I was going to stick to it.

I thanked the seller and put the box in the pocket of my vest before leaving. On my way back, I stopped at a cafe to get pasties and coffee and when I heard my name, I felt my heart jump in my chest.

"Niall?"

A british accent didn't go unnoticed and I frowned, looking around myself until I saw a familiar face that I hadn't seen in two years or so.

"Maya?"

I smiled and raised my eyebrows, walking to her and kissing her cheeks. She was stunning and her smile was so big it made mine grow too.

"It's been so long, how have you been?" I asked, pushing my hands in my pockets. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, a photoshoot, but it's my day off." she explained, tilting her head on the side before moving her shoulders up. "What about you?"

"I'm uhm, visiting." I said, a bit uncomfortable and not knowing what I could say or not. I sighed and just shook my head. "I'm with Olivia. We're visiting her parents."

Maya nodded, not losing her smile, and she licked her lips. "Yea I saw you two dated and then broke up. Are you two together again?" I stared at her in silence for a few seconds and she nodded again. "You must really love her, huh?"

This time, I sent her a fond smile and glanced down at the floor before looking up and breathing in. "Yes." I confessed with a nod before Maya took a step closer, putting her hand gently on my upper arm.

"I hope it works, then." she told me sincerely. "And invite me to the wedding!"

I frowned and chuckled, feeling my heartbeats accelerate. The last thing I needed was for that information to leak and I started wondering how the hell she found out when she just shrugged.

"I mean, whenever that happens. You two will get married at some point, right?"

I felt all the stress leave and my body relaxed just as my lips curled again. "Yes, of course." I just let out. "I mean, probably, I guess."

Maya laughed and it made me chuckle too. "Go back to her, I'm sure she misses you already."

I raised my eyebrows and chuckled, knowing she was probably right and after we said goodbye, I ordered, got my food and left. It was not surprising to me that Olivia's face seemed to illuminate when I walked back inside and she ran to me, wrapping her arms around my neck as both my hands were taken by coffees and a box of croissants. She kissed my lips and I closed my eyes, answering the small kiss gently, knowing that her parents were most likely watching us.

After we ate, I wanted to help with the dishes but they wouldn't let me and I joined her father in one of the rooms in the back. He was looking for something in the drawers and I just put my hands in my pockets. I knew he had noticed me, but I was not sure if I should talk, or what I should say. He used to really love me, and I was wondering if it was still the case, or if he disliked me, now.

"You two are back together." her father told me with the biggest accent before I nodded. "Good. You were always my favorite. Don't tell her."

I laughed and shook my head as he glanced at me and sent me an amused smile. "Thank you. I've hurt her though, I'll never forgive myself for that."

"Use that feeling to remember that you can't hurt her ever again." he added, grabbing something in the last drawer and moving back up. "Or I'm gonna have to hate you. Father's duty."

I nodded and smiled. "I promise." my smile fell and I cleared my throat, playing and twisting the fabric inside my pockets. "What would you say if..." I stopped myself and licked my lips. He turned to me and at the point, I had all his attention. "What would you say if I asked her to marry me?"

He stared at me a few seconds and sighed, turning his whole body my way and he took a step closer. He was tall, way taller than me, and his light eyes reminded me of hers, but unlike Olivia, he had severe traits. He had broad shoulders and although he had salt and pepper hair, he didn't look his age. I've always thought he was a funny man, but I knew he was strict, too, and when I was younger, I used to think he was a bit scary, but not anymore. Her mother was very different. She was short with a round face, pretty much like hers, and when I thought about it, they were very look alike. Both her parents were smiling all the time, though, and they were always welcoming, that much I could never forget.

"Is it serious?"

My eyes roamed on his face and I sighed, my hands still in my pockets, before I finally nodded. Instead to answer, he just handed me an envelop and it made me frown.

"This is hers. This is all the letters she wrote to you when you went on tour." he explained as my grip tightened on the paper. "It's hers, and I don't think she ever intended on giving them to you, and I found them in the garbage bin one day and decided to keep them. You should give them back to her. I want to say you should read them but I'm really against invasion of privacy. I didn't read them either."

"Does that mean you would be okay with us getting married?" I asked with a frown, feeling the envelop burning my palm.

"It means that as long as she's happy, then so am I." he just said. "It also means that you shouldn't ask me if I'm okay with it. If she finds out, she'll kill you."

I laughed and nodded. "I can count on you for keeping this secret?"

"Of course, son." he let out, putting his hand on my shoulder and making me chuckle low at the nickname.

"Son-in-law."

It was his turn to laugh and when we heard my name being called from the kitchen, we both looked in that direction and I shrugged, sending him a small smile before going to join Liv. She was staring at her phone and she grimaced, looking up in my eyes.

"I don't know how bad it is but," she shrugged and handed me her phone. "You tell me. You're the famous one."

I chucked but grabbed her phone to read as the title popped up in caps. 'Together again?' With the article, there was a picture of me at the airport and they mentioned my earring before adding a picture of Olivia who was now wearing only one earring, identical to mine. Of course it made sense since she was the one who gave it to me but was this really a proof of anything? At the bottom, there was a picture of us together at the fair and I smiled a bit when I saw she was holding the bear I had won for her and they had used it as an other proof that we could be dating again. This article didn't mean shit but I couldn't say they were wrong. Something was in fact happening between us.

"Do you want me to take off your earring?" I asked, looking up at her.

"No! God no, they can fuck right off with their stupid article!" she quickly let out, making an amused smile appear on my lips. "Does what they wrote bother you?"

"Does it bother you?" I threw the question back at her, raising my eyebrows.

She looked down at her phone and nibbled on her bottom lip for a few seconds before shrugging. "Yes because that's none of their business. But not because people may know we're together."

"We're good, then." I just shrugged, taking a step closer and wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her closer. "They're just running out of things to write about, so they have to write crappy articles like that. The good thing is, that picture of you is very nice."

She grimaced and I laugh. "It's horrible. They always snap those when I look at my worst."

"Lies." I whispered, bending down slightly to kiss her lips. "By the way, I kept a few tickets for my show, for you and your parents. You'll be there, right?"

She shrugged a shoulder and stared in my eyes. "I don't know, won't it just fuel the rumors?"

My eyes roamed on her face and I leaned my forehead against hers before whispering.

"I don't give a fuck."

REQUESTS

(for the first one, i promise theyll talk about it soon!)

[cometkins]

even more qs

1) What position does your character sleep in? ( i.e; stomach, side, back, etc. ) Describe why they do this — optional.

He’s probably used to his side bc Shouri sleeps on his back and he likes using Shouri as a pillow.

2) Does your character have any noteworthy features? Freckles? Dimples? A scar somewhere unusual? etc.

Theo has full body freckles that are more prominent on the high points of his body, he’s probably got a few facial scars and other random body scars here and there. Has his marks of adulthood, which are white scars all across his body. His nose is broken and it wasn’t set back quite right so his nose has a fairly prominent ridge. Also has a veeery large fiend summoning circle on his back over his shoulders that was carved into his skin, and the scars are a bit more angry and red even still

3) Does your character have an accent? What does it sound like?

I feel like Theo sort of has an accent? Mostly he doesn’t use contractions and speaks very slowly and kind of stilted.

4) Do they have any verbal tics? Do they have trouble pronouncing certain words or getting their thoughts across clearly?

I mean he rarely raises his voice but idk if that’s a tic. I think combining words (don’t as opposed to do not) is still hard for him since those words don’t exist in elvish. There’s a few words he uses that just can’t be translated into common as well that he’d probably feel silly describing.

5) What are their chief tension areas?

Shoulders and neck for sure, probably his head as well. Theo’s very inward with his tension.

6) If you were to pick one song — and only one song — to describe your character, what would it be and why?

Glass Heart Hymn by Paper Route. It’s a softer tone song but I think it describes a lot of the emotional turmoil that he endures, with some elements of his religious struggles as well.

7) How does your character perceive themselves? Positive? Negative? Neutral?

Theo thinks completely negatively of himself. Between the abuse he endured during his enslavement and the abandonment at the hands of his god, his clan, and his love, he feels strongly that he must be a truly awful, ugly, disgusting person to be abandoned so constantly. He’s just constantly waiting to be left again.

8) Are they a quick thinker or do they need time to sort through their thoughts?

Theo is all quick thought and action. It’s not necessarily clever or what’s best, but he’s very quick on his feet. He doesn’t have the patience for thinking on things, and I think he’s tired from the long-haul plan he had to escape slavery. Thinking for too long and being in his head too long brings him back to that state of mine, and being quick is just easier.

9) Does your character dream or are their nights filled with an empty blackness? Describe a dream they’ve had or a night they couldn’t sleep and what they did to preoccupy their time.

Theo has a lot of nightmares and night terrors. He can’t always remember everything but a lot of it is just trying to process through his trauma. He hasn’t really had the chance to over the last 110 years and while I think he’s feeling settled now, it’s all gonna hit like a freight train pretty fast and he’s gonna be in a really bad spot.

10) If they had a choice, would they prefer a subway or a bus for public transportation?

I think in a modern context, Theo would prefer the bus. Subways are usually underground and I don’t think Theo would like that.

11) What do they think of creation? Do they believe in evolution or do they believe in God? What is their religion like?

With how DnD gods work, Theo doesn’t necessarily believe his god created the universe, but he does believe she holds him at her mercy against his will, and that she is malevolent. He abandoned her long ago by now though; he has no time or patience left for those who would subjugate him. Oppressors and enslavers must be destroyed.

12) Describe 5 unusual characteristics your muse has.

Actually very good at singing. Actually a very good cook. Very fond of children and very good with kids, which you’d never guess from his base personality. Very physically affectionate with people he’s close to. Doesn’t know shit about anything not from the wildwoods; if it’s not a potato, onion, or carrot it’s not shit my dude.

13) Have they ever been so overwhelmed they had to stop and take a break from something?

This is Theo’s constant state of being but he is never allowed to Rest or Be Happy so he just toughs it out. Small things tend to set him off for this reason.

14) Are they a team player or do they prefer to be solo?

Theo goes along with the group because it’s what he’s learned for survival growing up, and I think he does like being with a group, but he’s so fearful and distrusting that it makes it hard for him to actually gel with a group.

15) Can they multi-task or must they focus on one subject at a time?

I think by nature of being a magic user he’s fairly good at focusing and multitasking, but I think if too many things pile on top of him he loses concentration.

16) What are their best school subjects? What are their worst? List five of each.

There aren’t even 10 subjects wtf. I think Theo would be pretty good with artistic and creative things, but more technical and mathematic things would be slightly harder. He’s got a fairly decent intelligence so things that require clever thinkign aren’t beyond him, but things like home ec, art, creative writing, biological sciences, those are easier to process.

17) Is your character an introvert or an extrovert? How do they handle big crowds of people?

Introverrrttttttt. I think really big crowds, like in a city or festival setting or smth are okay, esp since his clan was pretty massive, but I think he gets uncomfortable with larger… groups? like being alone at a party. If he was ever surrounded by like, 10 - 20 other people on his own I think he’d shut down pretty fast.

18) Are they a leader, do they prefer to follow, or would they rather just stay on the sidelines altogether?

Theo used to be a leader, but I don’t think he can fill the role very well anymore, and I think he’d agree as much. I don’t think he’d want to do it anymore anyway, because it was absolutely miserable and it was making his hair go grey pretty fast. I don’t necessarily think he likes following either, at least he doesn’t like being told what to do and not being given a choice? He’ll follow along with plans and such but if you tell him specifically to do something you have to be careful.

19) If your character was suddenly challenged, would they rather run away or stay and fight?

Theo will pvp any scrub

20) If your character was allowed to murder one person without any consequences, who would that person be and why?

This is such a loaded question LMAO but to be honest he’d probably have Auril killed.

21) Your character has been granted 3 wishes; what would they wish for and why?

The problem here is that there’s a certain deck in dnd and a certain card gives you 1d3 wishes and if I write my wishes down they’ll never come true. But Theo would definitely correct a lot of his past and a lot of the damage Jericho did.

22) Does your character trust people right off the bat or does it take them some time to warm up to someone?

I think Theo used to be very instantly open to trusting people before Jericho, which is part of why he was friends with so many people. Now it takes him a looong time and several demonstrations of positive behavior for him to really trust anyone, and it’s very easily broken. I think Shouri, and maybe a select number of others could get away with breaking his trust and be forgiven quickly, depending on how tired he is of being angry with them. Shouri especially he was furious and upset with for a long time, and I think he’s just in a place where he feels like he’d be happier just forgiving and moving on than sitting in anguish. He knows Shouri makes him happier than anybody, and he’ll give Shouri whatfor, but in the end he’d rather not be mad at him and he’d rather trust he means well.

23) Do they prefer romance or affection? What is the quickest way to your character’s heart?

I think with as touch starved as Theo has been, physical affection is very important to him. Gentle, loving touches are a fast way to calm him down and ground him and keep him centered and I think a lot of people would be surprised at how far holding his hand would go too. Holding his face is also good.

24) Does your character have any enemies? If so, who and why?

I mean, ‘enemy’ but he and the party paladin don’t really get along. I’m 50% sure she’s gonna try some nonsense to get Theo and Shouri to break things off somehow and i’m just. squinting. what is she planning. Otherwise there’s his former goddess Auril. He used to consider the prince of frost his enemy but I think Theo feels he’s in a considerable position of power over him so he’s not really an enemy so much as a pawn now.

25) Do they have any weird bedroom habits? Any unusual kinks?

Hair pulling, roughness in general, getting rimmed, toy play, being very submissive.

26) How does your character prepare for bed? Do they sleep at all or can they stay awake for days on end without trouble?

Theo probably just strips down, finds the nearest living pillow in Shouri, and knocks out on an ideal night. If he’s not present I think Theo would force himself to stay up so he doesn’t risk night terrors; he’s very embarrassed by those and I think Shouri knows Theo enough to be able to catch them before they get too bad.

27) If your character had one thing to say to their parents before they died, what would it be?

“We made it out. I fixed it. I did something. I fixed it.”

28) Are they afraid of death? Do they have any regrets?

I think Theo, despite being extremely suicidal, actually fears death a lot. I think he worries about his afterlife and what that will entail for him, because he feels like he’s only going to end up punished. He has a lot of conflicting regrets and regrets in general and I don’t think he’d handle the end of his life well.

29) Does your character get restless when things are too quiet or do they favour solitude and silence? Why?

I think it switches. Having people around can be overhwelming, but being completely alone is upsetting. It’s a mix of both tbh.

30) Finally; if your character was forced to eat one thing for the rest of their life, what would they choose and why?

Reindeer cream stew with herbs and potatoes. It’s his favorite food and he didn’t get to have it often bc Reindeer couldn’t be slaughtered very often; he’d be happy eating it constantly.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Monday 27th February 2017: Frustration

For the past two weeks or so I haven’t really been able to pinpoint why I have been feeling so annoyed/messy/unsure/even more anxious, but I think I’ve got it; I am feeling frustrated. Frustrated at myself, at the situation, and at anorexia. 

I write “myself” first because that is the first thought that pops into my head. I am frustrated at how I “should have” been stronger, I “should have” done x and y, I “should have” tried harder/acted sooner/done more. I am frustrated because I have been talking around in circles for years on end with nothing much changing...It is only once I have delved into these thoughts and had the chance to step back that I can begin to try to reassess a little. 

I think I am channeling my frustration at the wrong ‘thing’ (?). I have been beating myself up/putting myself down/dwelling on negative thoughts more and more recently, turning my frustration inwards towards myself. This, in turn, leads me to continue to feed into the frustration, which leads to feeling even more rubbish/stuck/down, and suddenly it would be so much easier to just ignore it all. To avoid and numb it all out. Because “what’s the point in trying anymore, I always mess up”. This leads to me putting off changes, letting anorexia control my actions and thus staying stuck and becoming even more frustrated with myself. It is a constant self-fulfilling cycle that is keeping me trapped.

After taking a step back and trying to rationalise a little, I think I have realised that I need to try to channel my frustration in a slightly different way. And maybe that means trying to channel it towards the cause, instead of in towards myself, maybe it needs to be directed at the anorexia. 

A large element of my current frustration is that I can feel/see myself going down the “safe” route; following the footsteps that I have taken so many times in the in the past. This path is so well trodden, it is what I am used to, and it is easy to slip into a state of desperately clinging onto any part of the disorder I can. In a way, it feels natural? right? but at the same time I know that I don’t want to follow this pathway. I know that it has only become my automatic response because these pathways are so engrained in my mind. Neurological speaking it is completely understandable why I would be swayed to go down this path, but just because they are what I have used in the past, does not make them, in any sense/way the ‘right’ action.  

It is as if I am watching from a distance and I am screaming at myself from behind a two-way mirror, but the “me” on the other side can’t hear or see me and continues to listen to the “devil on her shoulder”, turning towards the safe spiralling road. And I am there screaming at myself because I don’t want to be continually going around in circles and staying stuck in this limbo land forever, but no one can hear me...

I can feel myself going through the motions again, putting off changes, dragging things out, trying to control every single element I can. Doing as little as I can to keep people off my back, believing that I am doing it for the ‘right’ reasons, but in reality not being in control of it at all.

I wish I had an answer. I wish that I could now sit here and give you a magic method to fix all of this. I so wish there was an amazing revelation at the end of this post, that I could give you this recipe for how to make a U-turn in this road, but there is no such thing. 

There is no magic answer. There is no simple way through this. And there definitely is no one single ‘right’ way.

All these expectations that I put upon myself are ridiculous and unrealistic.  And they are definitely not ones that I would apply to others, so why do I keep trying to apply them to myself? It is the black and white thinking kicking in again. The all or nothing. This or that. But as I am slowly beginning to understand, it does not have to be this way.

This chance to reflect and rationalise some of my thoughts has not lead to a breakthrough or some magic cure, however it has given me a little more understanding about myself, where I currently am in my journey and, idk how to put it but, I feel like I “know my enemy” a little better now?

Cards on the table: I haven’t increased my meal plan since my appointment last week. And I am ashamed of this. I hate admitting it but the more I avoid the truth, the more I trick myself into thinking that everything is “fine”, when actually it’s not. I am so good at planning and talking, and even get a bit motivated at times to make these changes, but then I hit a wall. In the moment I freeze. Shut down. I know it is no excuse but it is literally like everything else goes out the window; all logic, all reason and it is suddenly it is all anorexia. The rest of the world goes on mute. Excuses start slipping in, appearing in my head. The little whispers/thoughts pop up left right and centre: “You can do that tomorrow”, “you don’t need to do that today”, “if you have x then you can’t have y later on”, “why change? what’s the point? you always mess up anyway.”, “you don’t need that, it’s too much”, “why not just play it safe for now, you can try again another day. Yes safe is better, at least it is known”... It is a constant battlefield in my mind and when I hit these places I tend to almost “switch off” and go into autopilot mode. I go down those automatic neural pathways and do the same thing I have always done. I allow anorexia to guide me. This happens time and time again and before long another week has passed and I haven’t managed to do the things I said I would. I then I end up beating myself up, knocking myself down, dwelling on all that I should have done better. And here I am, yet another week down the line, and anorexia has made me take another step down the usual safe path and I am left feeling, well, like an utter mess. I am so lost/unsure/uncertain/confused/anxious/frustrated/alone and I don’t know what to do.

I do want to get better. I really don’t want to take this same path again and again.  I am so tired of the games and excuses, the lost hours and days and nights. I want this time to be different. I know I need to be kinder to myself. I need to stop beating myself up over what I believe I “should” have done different and try to shift my focus to the here and now, the moment that I can change and shape to form a different pattern. But it is so hard. Because there needs to be a balance, and I suppose that is where tough love comes in? Of course all of this is so much easier said than done because the missing connection is all of this is the action. The doing. The change. Facing reality head on and not trying to run away.

So here I am left yet again, after all this reflecting and thinking, in just as much as a muddle as I was at the start. Okay, I will give myself a bit of a break, I suppose I am beginning to understand my feelings a little more, but understanding is not quite enough though is it? It is a step in the right direction but as we all know, action is where change will always lie. You can think around in circles until the cows come home but nothing will ever change if your decisions/actions don’t.

I wish it were simpler. I wish it didn’t feel so wrong or hurt so much. But sitting here and wishing will not make a difference will it? I suppose, in a sense, it is so much simpler than my anorexia tries to make it out to be. It will always try to overcomplicate things, make up a million and one excuses, it will start comparing and calculating and checking and searching, it will throw everything/anything it can at us to try to put a spanner in the works because this is the last thing it wants us to do. It is all a distraction technique, an attempt to keep us trapped in its clutches for even longer. Trying to make a deal with the devil will never ever ever bring us the things is promises.  The facts are that I need to follow my meal plan. Of course this throws up all sorts of questions how fast? how slow? what foods do I eat? too much of x and not enough y. but you are already gaining slowly, why mess it up. If you increase more you will just lose control. Why do you want to destroy it all? But I can’t keep appeasing these thoughts. I need to trust my team, trust my meal plan and give it a chance. Because the truth is that I can’t trust my own mind right now, it is too easily swayed.

So let’s think about what could happen if I stuck with my current meal plan and didn’t increase:

I would likely continue to gain weight but at a very slow pace 

Putting off change = putting off life

I would be feeding into anorexia; keeping it all very controlled/safe

It would keep me stuck in the “restrictive” mindset e.g. denying myself food

Potentially slowing down my metabolism? 

Continuing to listen to anorexia and live by it’s rules, making it harder to hopefully one day move forwards (stronger disordered neural pathways)

Stay in a limbo/quasi-recovery again and most likely go around in circles again and again. End up relapses and put life on hold again.

University won’t be possible this year/putting off life again and staying stuck in the illness. 

My body wont hold out forever.

And that’s just to name a few...

Now, what about if I were to increase my meal plan/stick with actual change...

Well, I will likely gain weight quicker.

But that would mean getting out of the ‘danger zone’ quicker and allowing my body to heal, right?

I might have a bit more energy/be a little warmer/actually be able to do things like concentrate on books/tv shows/crocheting etc.

Push/confront anorexic behaviours/disordered beliefs

Feeling worse in the short term. Anxiety increases. Mood drops. 

But then University could be possible this year

I might be able to go out more and partake in life/meet people/socialise/get a job.

I have to face some really uncomfortable and difficult things

Emotions wake up.

Anorexia might get louder to begin with

But overall it will give me, Kitty, a chance.

Anorexia often paints this “magical” picture of how recovery should look but I am beginning to learn that actually recovery does not look like anything that anorexia paints. It is not a black and white image; it is not all or nothing. It says it should all be sunshine and rainbows and that if it isn’t, then you are just doing it wrong/shouldn’t even try and should instead run back to safety, but that is so far from the truth. Recovery is messy. Recovery is hard. Recovery is difficult. And, I suppose at the heart of it, there is no definition of what it is. Recovery is life. A chance. A future.  

Conclusion?  If only I had one, however I will give this a shot:

I have been dipping my toe into recovery.  I have made progress these last few weeks and I should give myself some recognition for that, but I know that I can’t just stop here. This is a very sticky point for me and has been in the past. It is where anorexia gets comfy. It it where anorexia traps me and keeps me stuck. Staying stuck leads to me constantly sabotaging my future time and time again. It is limbo land all over again. But I do not want this to be it. I do not want to go down these same paths all over again.  Ultimately I know that no one can make the decisions for me, it has to come from me, and that is often the hardest thing. No matter how many appointments, therapists, support sessions, check-ins, meal plans etc, I have, it will always come back to me. I need to be making these decisions. Sticking with these changes. And giving myself this chance.

Yeah, we’ll go with that.