#idk maybe i jsut feel so shitty and jaded but im just like what even is the point

[filthyjanuary]

guys i turn 30 in january what do i DO

[paradoxspaces]

last upd8 thoughts for the night, under a cut for spoilers! kind of rambly but i cant stop thinking about this and its 3 am so excuse the quality

ive always thought that dirk was the character I was most similar to personality-wise, but i didnt realise how much I genuinely liked him until I had to experience his character get pretty much drug through the mud in the epilogues. there were a few moments in meat where I had to stop for a bit bc I was getting angry about his characterization or bc reading some of the ways he was talking about other characters really threw me off and was kind of genuinely upsetting. im in no way a full dirk stan (and rip if you are) but I did relate to him a lot and bc of that it felt weird as hell seeing him suddenly become a fucking malicious transphobic freak 24/7. like dirk was kinda manipulative and shitty but also his big arc was about releasing control and being a better friend/person. he was, at the end of the day, really devoted to his friends! he wanted to do better by everyone he cared about specifically bc he cared about them so much! what happened??? to all of that????? 

idk i used to give people a lot of shit when there were those theories back in the day about ‘dave not being really dave’ bc he was acting weird in a pester or the people on the meteor not being themselves bc they were different but the first time I read the dirk pov I literally did not believe it was really him bc it was so unrecognizable. like how he was talking about john felt….bizarre and awful and it was just difficult to read him suddenly become an irredeemable shitbag. idk i usually dont have dirk feelings but this epilogue (meat at least) has made me both like him more in hs proper and dislike him more overall. 

now that i guess im talking about spoilers more straightforwardly: meat both resurfaced and complicated my feelings wrt dirk but even without that like. I dont think i can read candy 13 and im fucking mad about it. I literally never thought this would be an issue with hs but afaik its not a kind of ‘decapitate me’ joke ref but a full on su*cide scene which I (who was at my most proto-dirk-kin at 16/17 when i was, you know, actively very su*cidal) wont be able to read which is fucking annoying!!! since when did we do that in hs!! sicne when did main characters, who we literally saw grow up and deal with trauma and mental illness, just fucking kill themselves???? wha t the fuck is going on??? some parts of this seems like they tried really hard to be like edgy ‘adults only’ fanfic bs and idk i guess thats a funny bit sometimes but somehow i thought we could avoid randomly introducing su*cide into the plot.

ALSO IM PISSED ABOUT VRISKA 2KFOREVER. 

(i feel like its….unlikely that we will get anything more than this considering the length of these sections but i do kind of want something else. im not done with candy and dont know when i will be but it jsut feels so weird to have the story end in this like metatextual rumination rather than a story about the kids.)

(and this is not to say I dislike the epilogues as a whole. im still thinking through meat and as ive said i have to get through candy, but these are my like immediate overwhelming thoughts. mostly the dirk stuff was killing me and i needed to get it out. maybe i like the epilogue i dont fucking know yet. i really have no idea how i feel. confused???) 

(also why is everyone suddenly super horny and sexy why is this epilogue trying SO HARD to be like ‘no kids allowed’. you can have ur characters age up and talk about sex while idk still preserving the general tone of ur piece and ur characters and not have them suddenly be obsessed with fucking so that we know that theyve ‘grown up’ [im talking about Jade :((((])