#idk maybe because of like. how depressing the worst endings are
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taylorshope · 1 year ago
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This is definitely a controversial opinion but I almost feel worse killing characters in Little Hope than in the other games?
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chrisbangs · 11 months ago
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hello... (and bye ig 👋)
#👋😭 hi...#i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone#i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭#i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh...#uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂#i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but#i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause#i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say...#i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu#it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media /#without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao#i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy#pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on#i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a#depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think#i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just#sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ????#i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become#even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it#i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it#like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi#i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda#makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd#not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what#they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling#anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀#i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say#this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel#like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭#who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡
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yuunnikko · 4 months ago
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Saying Goodbye to My Mask event on project sekai may have been a premonition of having my own mental health tank to the same level as Mafuyu's because well. Let's just say. The depression. (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)
#miko talking#well. even though i try to get help it feels like my parents sabotage me more#the only comfort is realizing my feelings and wondering about it#frankly i dont like acknowledging them bc then i feel like im not playing up to the role everyone expects of me but#i want to express it in my stuff but I've been losing my will to keep drawing and writing and i guess#this is what depression is like. i just never expected to find myself actually going through it#i thought i left that era of havingthe worst time of my life but i feel like these past few years#are definitely my most worst#i think thats one thing games like pjsk has me realizing#and why i find comfort in n25#because to me they feel like pieces of me that have been written down#idk why im ranting lol??? i just want to be honest with how i feel but i end up going back to trying to be a people pleaser#ewwwww. i hate this. in truth i dont like people all that much. neither do i like making new friends#it's crazy because I'm always saying sure! when someone asks even though i know I'm not going to feel anything from it#sorry..... but I don't care enough anymore.... maybe one day i will#but right now not really..... at least at the moment.#these friendships with followers are in truth just parasociality and i dont want it after what happened the first time#especially with how two-faced/double standards people are like#people are the worst ^^ i wish the world was a kinder place for everyone but i dont know how much longer i can keep up with this#if only people minded their own business. im not someone to be babied by people who think they know better.#what a pain (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)
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milo-is-rambling · 2 years ago
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Redyed my hair (a slightly deeper pink shade but basically the same) and now I’m laying in bed thinking about all the ways I’ve changed who I am and what I believe over the years and I don’t recognize who I was when I was young but I sympathize with them even more than I ever thought I could I just don’t think of those pictures of me as actually being me because my mind has always been this and I’m sure years from now I won’t recognize myself now because obviously my mind has always been whoever I am then
#idk something about your mind maturing when you aren’t paying attention and then suddenly you feel like you’re twelve again from some stupid#memory and you’re struggling to even remember what it felt like to be in those shoes and you don’t know how much is repressing trauma and#how much is you smoking weed constantly and how much is you being depressed and so suicidal and mentally ill in your early teens that you#didn’t even bother to attempt to make memories so now anything you do remember drags you back to the worst depression of your life and you#forgot how bad it was until someone else brings it up and suddenly you’re that kid crying and hurting yourself and begging anyone to care#and being abandoned and laughed at and you feel like it will never end and then you open you’re eyes and it hasn’t been that way in years#and you’d struggle to even believe yourself because everyone else ignores the way they treated you growing up so now yoh internalize it and#assume you’re just crazy for these memories you have cause surely your family didn’t laugh at you sobbing surely they didn’t bandage your#self harm wounds and then sit you at the table and scream at you about homework and then your mother talks about her therapist and suddenly#having someone in her life to put your adhd in perspective and she realizes that maybe there were reasons you were struggling other than#being lazy but she never apologized she still doesn’t apologize and you don’t bring it up you don’t tell her you remember but the silence#between you is deafening and you can both tell you’re forgetting something and you don’t know what the other person doesn’t know#haha yeah anyways#my mothers therapy is going good and she’s finally realizing that her kid and her husband had very similar adhd patterns that affected their#entire lives and we’re not as visible and her sons adhd patterns where he was more hyperactive#like I’m happy she’s learning to deal with all this shit but now that she’s in therapy and talking about all these things with me growing up#while somehow not at all talking about all the bad shit it makes me feel like she doesn’t even know she did anything wrong and I don’t want#her to feel worse about it rn cause there’s nothing she can do and we’ve moved past it but like I still can’t cry in front of people without#this deep pit of self hatred and thinking someone’s going to laugh at me when I show real emotions so I keep it all inside until I explode#but yeah at least she feels better about herself now#like legit I am happy for her and I don’t want to make her therapy about me but like god damn woman just admit anything you did and apologiz#so I know that you know it wasn’t the right thing to do#acknowledge that you hurt and scarred me so I won’t feel so fucking crazy all the time#I got kind of poetry ish in the middle there but I went back to being bitchy ranty soon enough so now I’m gonna go smoke real weed and try#to sleep without thinking thoughts or using my brain for anything other than bodily functions
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schrodingers-romy · 2 months ago
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You Don’t Gotta Hold Me Down, Baby (I Know How to Sink) [Shidou Ryusei x Reader]
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Pairing: Shidou Ryusei x GN!Reader Word Count: ~1800 [Ao3 Link]
Summary: Ryusei is used to feeling empty at the end of the day; at least, until he has you.
Warnings: crying, some light depression i think from shidou, kisses, reader and ryusei are both lonely and weird idk what to tell you, no gendered pronouns/terms used for reader, gratuitous petnames, some innuendo but nothing sexual/heated happens
Notes: I read in the character book line where he 'cries at the end of the day when he becomes nothing' and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I sincerely hope it's in character but idk. I love him anyways tho and I had fun writing this <3 Title is a lyric from RELAX AFTER WORK WITH A DRINK by Lilyisthatyou.
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At the end of the day, Shidou Ryusei becomes nothing.
During the day, lit by the radiance of the sun, he was something. He was in control of his own destiny, a daredevil chasing the high of the next explosion. Whether that explosion came from kicking a soccer ball or kicking some slime’s face in was irrelevant; it was the rush of endorphins it gave him that was important. He was in peak form, the predator at the top of the food chain, devouring the opportunities the world had gifted him, glutting himself on whatever adrenaline high presented itself. But it never lasted; the explosive energy he had faded to nothing at the end of the day, pleasure slipping through his fingers like smoke in the wind, escaping him with the escaping daylight. After sunset, he was left empty, void of any sort of vitality; like a combustion engine with no fuel to light, he was left stiff, and cold, and useless. Forgotten.
He didn't even bother trying to stay up much past sunset, most days. Even with the sun’s lingering warmth rising from the earth during the night, it was always too cold for him, without the light shining on him. He was a photosynthetic organism, relying on sunlight to create his own sustenance in the form of his explosions.
Ryusei liked to think that the faster he went to sleep, the faster he would see the sun again.
It even worked, sometimes.
But sometimes it didn't. Sometimes he lay there for hours, too tired to do anything, and too tired to sleep. It was a bone-deep exhaustion, one that made his joints ache dully, and his eyes stay stuck open, as tears dripped freely down from them onto the thin and faded material of his pillowcase. Those nights, he desperately waited for the sun to return, so he could come back to life. So he could go back to seeking some way to make himself feel. And maybe he would be lucky enough to somehow make his mark on the world, so he would no longer fade from it every night like a mirage.
But he hadn’t made a mark on the world yet. He had yet to make something of himself.
So, at night, Shidou Ryusei would cry as he became nothing.
-
You were both a particular brand of lonely.
Something in the both of you had noticed each other; like calling to like. You were too close for people who had known each other for such a short period of time; it would be concerning, if either of you cared. But you didn’t, so you spent your days attached at the hip. Gorging yourselves on the attention of the other, desperate creatures starved for the acknowledgement and understanding that you had only ever found in each other.
It wasn’t an understanding borne of explicit conversation; the two of you had discussed almost everything under the sun and moon, but you both excelled at skirting the razor’s edge of baring your issues fully. Whether it was because neither of you understood your own mind yourself, or because some sort of animal instinct in you just understood each other without having to spill the gore of your worst feelings, it was unclear. It didn’t really matter, anyways. You were two sides of the same corroded coin, two pieces of a defective puzzle that could only ever fit together.
-
It was past midnight, and you were exhausted. The noise from the television was nothing more than the canned background hum to Ryusei's presence. The true focus of the scene was his flickering gaze and the hot press of his thighs against yours. You were sitting so close you could nearly count every single one of his numerous blond lashes. The shadows they cast on his cheeks were hypnotizing to you, and you found yourself leaning into him, with a combination of your own sleepiness and the dizzy, floaty sensation you always felt when you were this close to him casting you off balance. You could not help yourself from leaning further in, until you were falling into him. Your cheek landed pressed onto the warmth of his exposed collarbone, where his oversized shirt collar had slipped down to reveal tanned skin. You let out a heavy sigh, nuzzling into him, as he wrapped his arms around you to pull you ever closer to his heated body.
“Tired, babes?” he asked, the uncharacteristic deep, slow tone to his voice betraying his own sleepiness.  
“Mhmm hmm,” you mumbled. “Too tired to go home. I’m staying here tonight.”
With anyone else, you wouldn’t have been so bold as to invite yourself to stay the night for the first time. But everything was different with Ryusei. You could be as bold as you wanted, take what you wanted, without fear of ridicule or rejection or anger. He would just give you a particular feral grin, when you asserted yourself, that made you feel confident and on top of the world.
It’s only because you’re so close that you felt the slight hitch in his breath. He covered it nearly seamlessly with his usual attitude. “Of course! I’d love to have you spend the night with me, sexy~”
You nipped lightly at his collar bone, chastising. “Just sleeping, Ryu, no innuendo intended.”
“Aww, how can you say that, after putting your teeth on me,” he whined, teasing. “You know that gets me going, sugar…”
“I want you to get going. To sleep,” you retorted. “I’m tiredddd.” You let your voice trail into a childish whine.
“Can’t have that, can we?” Ryusei shifted, sliding one arm underneath your thighs and one behind your back to lift you up into a bridal carry. “Do I have Your Highness’s permission to take you to bed? I promise not to have my wicked way with you there. Knight’s honor.”
“Ah, why would I not trust my most loyal knight? Take me away, good sir.”
Ryusei grinned wide enough to show gums, before carrying you out of the living room with surprising gentleness.
(Though it wasn’t entirely surprising, to you.)
-
The room was dark, aside from the weak, silvered light of the moon and stars that leaked from Ryusei’s uncovered window. It was just bright enough for you to see the faintest details of his face.
He looked softer, hair down, kohl washed away, venomous pink eyes half-lidded; a sort of physical representation of how he bared himself to you. You were compelled to pull him closer to you, until you could bury your face into his product-free hair. You let out a contented hum at feeling the abnormal silkiness of it.
You were so comfortable; you felt like you were melting into the mattress. It had been forever since you had gone to sleep feeling so relaxed (and safe, and not alone); you couldn’t be blamed for nearly drifting off the second you laid down with Ryusei in your arms.
You were almost gone, slipping into dreamland by the pull of the gentle hands of Morpheus, when you felt Ryusei begin to tremble in your arms.
It was like a switch had been flipped, removing sleep from the edges of your mind like the swipe of an eraser on a chalkboard. You were immediately focused on him.
“Ryusei? Are you okay?” you whispered, a sliver of panic slipping into your voice.
You could feel him shaking slightly in your hold, arms wrapped in a vice grip around you, face pressed tightly into your neck, hiding his expression from you. You felt a drip of wetness fall onto your skin and slip down.
He was crying.
“Baby,” you murmured, hugging his lax body even closer to yours, like you could tuck him away into your ribcage, safe and sound. “Ryu, darling, what’s wrong?” You felt off-balance, perhaps for the first time since you had met. Your understanding did not extend to this, not when he had so carefully pirouetted around any true pain he felt when you talked.
He gripped you tighter for a moment, fingers digging into your skin hard enough to leave bruises, before he relaxed his hold. “Nothin’s wrong.” He lifted his head to look at you.
The tear trails on his face were lit up like liquid drips of mercury in the moonlight. But he didn’t look devastated, as you expected; instead, he had the smallest, softest smile you had ever seen him wear. Even in the half-light, his gaze was soaked in so much affection, he looked love-drunk. It rendered you speechless.
“Y’know,” he laughed wetly, “I usually cry, at night. When I become nothing.” He took a deep, shuddering breath.
You lifted one hand to his face, wiping away the fresh flow of tears that leaked from his glittering eyes. Your eyebrows were creased, a pang going through your heart at his words.
But he wasn’t done, pausing only to nuzzle his cheek further into your hand, like a housecat. “Still cryin’, tonight, but I’m not sad. Y’see babes? I’m not sad. I don’t feel like nothing, I feel happy. Happy tears, sweetheart, just cause tonight I’m with you.” He giggled, hiccupping slightly as his laughter caught on the tears still welling up.
You gaped at Ryusei for a moment, before you yanked him into a kiss. It wasn’t the best kiss ever, still wet with his tears, barely more than a firm press of mouths together before you release him.
He grinned at you for a moment, before dropping back down onto you, boneless. “I feel drunk. Like I’m high. Crossfaded. On you, babe!~” he blabbered, sing-song. “It’s not an explosion, it’s a bonfire inside of me! Shit, this might be better than playing. Or fighting. I might even be a little horny right now, I can’t tell.”
“God, you’re so weird, Ryu.” You punctuated your statement with a firm kiss to his forehead, making an exaggerated ‘mwah’ sound that drew a giggle from the man on top of you. “I love you. I’m gonna be with you forever. I’ll move in, and we’ll sleep together every night, you’ll never feel like nothing again.”
“Maybe I AM horny…horny off of love…emotionally horny?” he rambled. “Fuck, I don’t know, babe, but I love you too, and I’m never gonna let your pretty ass go now, y’hear?”
“Perfect. We’ll become one organism. Symbiosis. Like lichen,” you breathed.
Ryusei let out a lovesick sigh. “Love it when you talk sexy to me.”
You felt one of his hands drift down to squeeze one of your ass cheeks.
You let out an exasperated, but fond sigh. “Ryusei. Go to sleep.”
“Okay honey~” he said, letting out a little giggle into your collarbone.
(And for the first time in years, neither of you fell asleep feeling empty, or lonely; and you would wake up to find joy in the sunrise together.)
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topguncortez · 10 months ago
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Maybe blurb from crying prompt idk if this would be a hide or hold maybe both? But the reader holds her emotions in during a family thing because she's the oldest sibling and she feels like she has to be strong because that's how her family was raised and then she gets a moment and they tell her to stop being strong and that it's okay to let it out. I'm thinking either Bradley or Jake?
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Hold My Hand - J. Seresin x Reader
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synopsis: you get a phone call that no child ever wants to get, and as the "rock" of the family, you aren't allowed to break.
warnings: parental death, trauma, parental abandonment, incorrect medical jargon, mental abuse, grief, depression
note: I know this was supposed to only be a blurb, but I started writing and I couldn't stop. These past 16 days have been hell and there was something about writing this that just felt so freeing, like the cloud hanging over me has finally been lifted.
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it had felt like a lifetime had passed, but in reality, it had only been 10 days.
10 days since that frightening phone call on that cold January day.
10 days since your mother called you, sound incoherent on the phone but you managed to gather the gist of it.
10 days since you had rushed out of your house, your hair half done, your husband chasing after you like you had lost your mind.
10 days since your father so bravely rushed into a burning building, saving other children and leaving you, your siblings and your mother behind.
You were angry, at first. Angry at the world for allowing this to happen. Angry at your father for playing superman when he was just a regular man. Angry at the other people standing around who didn’t have the same courage to run into the fire instead of standing by and yelling at your father to turn back. Angry that this was going to be the end; that your mother would be a widow at a young age, your youngest sisters wouldn’t have their father to walk them down the aisle, your children wouldn’t ever have another “grandpa day”, that you’d never get another hug and an “i love you” from your father again.
You wanted to cry. You wanted to shut out the world, force the cameras away, force the sorrowful looks from others away, force the heavy weight of your heart onto someone else.
But you couldn't. You had to be the strong one. For your mother. For your siblings. For your own children.
Jake had been watching you like a hawk since you had gotten that phone call. The morning started out like any other morning, with the two of you waking up before the sun was in the sky, making sure you had enough time to do a quick at-home workout and a run. You had been working on packing the kids' lunches when you got that call. He had to pry the keys out of your hands, telling you that your mother didn't need you and your father in the hospital.
Jake had eyed you the whole drive, noticing the redness and the unshed tears in your eyes. The way that you clutched the dainty silver cross around your neck between your fingers. The way that you sniffled every so often, trying to hold back the tears. But the second you stepped into the hospital, seeing the distressing look on your mother's face and the waiting room full of fellow firemen, you rolled your shoulders back and pushed back your own sadness and grief.
Those 10 days had been the best and worst of your life. You hardly left the hospital, unless Jake was physically forcing you to leave. You hardly ate, hardly slept, hardly took care of yourself. Your mind was so worried about everyone else except yourself. For 9 days, you had believed that maybe, just maybe, your father would pull through. But that all came crashing down on day 10, when your father's brain had swelled and his doctor's pronounced him brain dead.
"Y/N," Your mother had spoke, looking over at you as the doctor stood in front of your family. Jake shifted in his seat, putting his hand on your thigh, "You need to do it."
"What?"
"No," You and Jake spoke at the same time.
Your mother shook her head, "I can't be the one. . .," Tears clogged her throat, "I can't be the one who takes him-"
Jake scoffed, sitting up straight in his chair, his grip tightening on your thigh, "And you want your daughter to-"
"Jake," You sighed. There was no use in fighting. After all, you were the eldest. You knew eventually you would be the one who gets stuck making the medical choices for your parents. You just assumed you'd have more time to prepare. You rolled your shoulders back and looked at the doctor, "What do I need to sign?"
"It was such a lovely service," Your aunt Marjorie said, patting Jake's hand as he spoke to him. It was true, you had done a fantastic job planning a funeral for your father, all by yourself. Jake had helped you the best that he could, going with you to pick out a casket and a grave plot and music and flowers, "That Y/N was always Lee's favorite."
"I know," Jake gave Aunt Marjorie his best gentleman smile, the one that made his dimple pop out, "She's a special girl."
"Oh and how brave she was standing in front of everyone and speaking?" Aunt Marjorie placed her hand on her heart. Jake nodded his head, wishing that he could be anywhere else than in a conversation with Aunt Marjorie, "And that Miranda," Aunt Marjorie scoffed, looking over at where your mother sat stoic on the couch, "Looks like she's going to be the next to go."
Jake clenched his jaw, pulling his eyes away from your mother. He had his own thoughts and feelings about her, ones that he had shared with you one night during a heated fight.
"She has abandoned you!" Jake yelled, as you angrily pulled the blankets back on the bed. You were exhausted and just wanted to sleep in your bed for one night. You had managed to get your mother to stay with your father for the night, which was like pulling teeth, "You need her to be the parent and she's not."
"She is grieving too, Jake," You sighed.
"And you're not!?"
"I am," You ran a hand down your face, "I just handle it differently. I've always been the strong rock. The one who doesn't cry. The one who holds others when they cry," You sat down on the bed, your body heavy with exhaustion.
"And I know that, baby," Jake rounded the bed, and sat down beside you. He grabbed your hand, holding it in his own, "You are strong. You are incredibly fucking strong. . . but you shouldn't have to be the strong one right now. You shouldn't be the one pulling all nighters by your dad's side. You shouldn't be the one making medical decisions on your father's behalf. Even though you are an adult. . . Y/N, baby, you're still his child. Your mother should-"
"I don't want to have this conversation anymore," You pulled your hand away from Jake, "My mom isn't well, and she needs me to help her-"
"Bullshit," Jake scoffed, "She is abandoning you and you know it."
You clenched your jaw, holding back the anger radiating in your body. Jake held a tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe you'd lash out at him. That you'd show some type of emotion after being a near zombie these past 8 days. But instead, you stood up quietly and left the room, choosing to go sleep in your son's room instead.
Jake had drown out Aunt Marjorie's talking, his eyes landing on you across the room. You had opened up your home to your family, your father's fire crew, Jake's squad and friends for a meal and drinks following the funeral. You had done a great job at not falling apart during the service or the burial, but Jake could tell that the rope was starting to fray. And right now, it was about to snap as you were talking animatedly with your sister across the room in a small alcove.
"Hey, Aunt Marjorie," Jake turned back to look at the 80 year old woman, "It was lovely catching up with you, but I need to go help Y/N with something. We should do coffee some time."
"Oh yes, that'd be-"
"Great, see you later," Jake quickly made his way over to you, not bothering to hear the rest of Aunt Marjorie's response.
The last thing you wanted to do in a houseful of guests from your father's funeral, was get into an argument with your sister, but here you were. Claire was the baby of the family, the one who got away with the most. Your relationship with Claire was rocky, as the line between sister and mother-figure had gotten crossed while you were growing up. You wanted what was best for Claire, and sometimes that required extra tough love and parenting.
"You are high!" You exclaimed.
"I am not," Claire's voice was slightly slurred. Jake's nose scrunched up as he walked into the room, smelling the distinct scent of marijuana.
"My whole damn shed smells like marijuana, Claire," You crossed your arms over your chest, "This isn't like you. What is going on? Talk to me."
"Oh god," Claire rolled her eyes, "Here she goes again. Acting like my mother!"
"Well!" You scoffed, throwing your arms in the air. Jake stood behind you, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. In the past couple days, you had shrugged off any sort of comfort that Jake offered you, but now, you welcomed it, "You smoked a joint before you walked into dad's funeral! Smoked another one in my shed, where your niece and nephew play. And don't even get me started on how you reeked like vod-"
"Y/N," Your mother's voice filled the air, making all three of you look towards her, "Let's not do this now."
"No," You shook your head, "Let's do this now. Your daughter is high. She smoked up in my garage and then walked into my house smelling like a dispensary."
Your mom looked over at your sister and then back at you. You felt a pang in your chest as you watched her silently side with your sister. The familiar burning sensation of tears prickled at your eyes and nose.
"She's grieving," Your mother simply answered.
You scoffed, "And who isn't?"
"Y/N,"
"Forget it," You shook your head, "It's nothing, it's fine. It's always fucking fine."
For the rest of the afternoon, you made yourself busy, staying far away from your mother and sister. Jake remained within arms reach of you, his presence comforting and not overbearing. You had finally sat down, and managed to get something in your stomach. It must've been evident on your face, but the guests had only said a couple words to you before going on their way. It took nearly four hours, but all the guests had left, filling your house with a silence you hadn't heard in nearly 10 days.
Jake had taken the burden of cleaning everything up, while you sat on the back porch, watching the sunset with a glass of wine in your hand. The cool San Diego winter breeze felt nice against your heated skin.
"The house is finally, back to normal," Jake announced as he walked out onto the back porch. Natasha had gratefully volunteered to take your children for the night, so you and Jake could decompress.
"Thank you, daddy," You smiled sweetly at him, as he sat down next to you on the porch swing.
"Of course, baby," He said, and held out a white gift box, "Someone left this for you."
You furrowed your eyebrows, taking the box from him and lifting the lid. Your breath caught in your throat as you lifted the small, gold pocket watch from the box.
"Y/N," Jake said softly.
You looked up at him with tears in your eyes, "I always wanted this," You ran your hand over the engraved hummingbird on the gold casing, "It was from my grandfather's jewelry store and it quit working. My dad said he was going to get it fixed and give it to me as a wedding gift, but he lost it. . . I-I don't know-"
"Well, does it work?" Jake asked.
You swallowed, opening the face of the watch open. To your surprise, it did work. The second hand ticked around in perfect time as the watch seemed to already be set to the correct time. The beautiful watch had a colorful humming bird painted onto the face in the middle of the black Roman numeral numbers, and gold watch hands.
"It's perf- oh, c'mon," You cursed, as the watch stopped ticking. You tapped the glass face a couple of times, trying to maybe, just maybe get it up and ticking, "C'mon! You just. . . worked! C'mon!"
"Baby," Jake spoke, gently placing his hand on your wrist.
"No! It has to work! It has to!"
"Baby, it's okay," Jake assured you, "It's o-"
"Nothing is okay!" You snapped, looking up at him as the tears had finally escaped your eyes, "Nothing about any of this is okay!" You pushed yourself up from the porch swing, rushing to the edge of the patio and throwing the watching across the yard with a scream. Jake closed his eyes as loud sobs escaped from your lugs, as the grief had finally seemed to rush to you.
He stood up from the porch swing and enveloped you in his arms. You sagged against him, feeling his arms tighten around you to be able to hold you up. Jake hushed you, placing a hand on the back of your head, and his chin on the top.
"Let it out, baby," Jake encouraged you, running a hand over your hair, "Let it all out, baby."
You weren't sure how long you stood there in Jake's arms and cried, but he eventually picked you up, after feeling your legs grow weak. He carried you through the house, to your shared bedroom, sitting you down gently on the bed. You didn't even need to tell him what to do as he moved through the bedroom with familiarity, grabbing you nightgown, taking you out of your dress, washing the make-up from your face and applying your moisturizer.
"What do you need from me, baby?" Jake asked, as he kneeled in front of you, sliding your socks on your feet.
"I don't know," Your voice was raspy as you looked at him confused, "I've never. . . I've never felt-"
"I know," Jake nodded his head, "I know you haven't, and it can be scary the first time you just. . . lose it all." Jake could remember the first time he had ever broken down like you had. It was terrifying as he cried and destroyed the things around him. It felt like it was never going to end as one thing after another had set him off, until he was on the ground in the fetal position, withering, "But it will all be okay. I'm here to help you. Let me help you."
You nodded your head, tears springing to your eyes again. Jake cooed, and pulled you into his arms again as the tears fell down your cheeks.
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xflixer7 · 11 months ago
Text
all of my yellowjacket headcannons (so far)
word count is like a trillion ok i’m not counting all of this
hi it’s been 8 months i finally counted (1865 words)
lottie
she/her transfem! lesbian bottom (i wanna eat her whole)
-schizophrenic
-definitely has some type of ocd
-ptsd
-autistic because i say so
started playing soccer when she was little
will actually go insane is you steal any of her clothes if you look at her she will actually be drooling with heart eyes
plays piano
also knows violin because her parents made her take it doesn’t play is anymore though
lottie isn’t jealous but very protective
her favorite (modern!) singers are
-phoebe bridgers
-clairo
-#1 laufey fan on the world
-fiona apple
unironically knows every katy perry song by heart because she used to be her favorite when she was little
her room is huge
likes putting her hair in pigtails
golden retriever girlfriend she’s so sweet ugh and loves to spend time and money on her person you always staying at her house would literally kiss the ground the person she is dating walker on if they asked her too:((
also the worst cooker you ever met like how did you fuck up toast why is the smoke alarm going off??
favorite color is blue
lottie definitely has a hairstylist she goes too every month to get permed and there really close i can see her telling them about ALL the school drama
lottie wants write story’s when she’s older maybe romance or mystery idk but i can just imagine her having a typewriter and writing you story’s she has wanted to do it since she was a kid and is very passionate about it:((
what i think her favorite shows are:desperate housewives,american horror story,sailer moon
so scared of horror movie like she will start crying
her favorite characters are:
-emily (corpse bride)
-bree (desperate housewives)
-starfire (teen titans)
always goes on and on about how she’s bubblegum and your marceline she LOVES adventure time
her favorite movie is bridge to terabithia
lotties favorite animal is a bunny and she really wants a pet bunny
BEGS you to give her your bra and your confused but you give it too her and she makes a bracelet out of it and wears it practically every day proudly
also think that lottie is a great artist? like sketching and painting wise
nat
SAY IT WITH ME transmasc! (he/they) definitely bi because i say so
-depressed
-dyslexic
-ptsd
started playing soccer in middle school
LOVES christmas like has an unhealthy obsession with it (tries to act like he doesn’t)
northern italian knows the language pretty well also a great cook
wants to play electric guitar
his favorite (modern!) singers are
-tyler the creator
-radiohead
-alex g
-hole
-is so obsessed with mistki don’t even get me started
randomly painted his room black one day when he was bored
usually prefers his hair down
you give him haircuts he doesn’t trust anyone else someone definitely fucked up his hair once and he never went back
his favorite color is black or gray
just wants to be famous tbh but he wants to be in a band
what i think his favorite shows are:rick and morty,bojack horseman,shameless
LOVES horror movies and reality tv like 90 day fiancé and the kardashions (his guilty pleasure)
also likes claymation
his favorite characters are
-ash (fantastic mr fox)
-alyssa (the end of the fucking world)
-coraline (coraline)
his favorite movie is little miss sunshine
nat’s favorite animal is a panther he saw one in the jungle book when he was little and just thought it looked cool
always headcannoing characters as trans like finn from adventure time or jeff from clarence he’s so cute:((
nat skateboards too definitely not great at it but does it when he’s bored
jackie
(she/her) jackie is just a bratty pillow princess lesbian you can’t fool me
-adhd asf
-neurodivergent for sure
-ptsd
started playing soccer because she was bored eighth grade tbh i don’t think she likes it as much as the others but she thinks it’s fun
chronic hoodie stealer
this girl is a vegetarian for sure
jackie is jealous always period
her gay ass button ups bro
her favorite (modern!) singers are
-ariana grande her fav
-rihanna
-billie eilish
-harry styles
-lana del ray
pretty mainstream music taste
all pink room it’s very like coquette?
ponytail girl but also enjoys her hair down
favorite color is light pink duh
wants to be a makeup guru or just stay at home honestly she hates working
what i think her favorite shows are:euphoria, grays anatomy,glee,vampire diaries
i think she likes very drama files shows and will rant about tv show characters and there dynamics and why she think that there like that and etc for HOURS
ughhh jackie is such a girls girl like she is the friend who always has your back and has gum or a tampon for you she is the friend who would check you on your period
her favorite characters are:
-maddy (euphoria)
-regina (mean girls)
-winnie the pooh (she thinks he’s cute)
her favorite movie is DEFINITELY jennifer’s body
jackie is a cat lover and has 2 i can see her with a orange and a gray cat and they always fight
shauna
DEFINITELY bi (she/her)
-bipolar
-ptsd
joined soccer with jackie in eighth grade
has like thousands of boxers
russian
knows how to play saxophone (she doesn’t even know how she learned she just did) she doesn’t own one though
so jealous but never says anything (this girl cannot communicate to save her life)
her favorite (modern!) singers are
-the cranberries
was so mad when they got popular on tiktok and had to let everyone know they where her fav since day 1 (everyone knew)
-suki waterhouse
-cigarettes after sex
-never got over halsey since 2017
-the smiths
(a TRUE music lover over here)
she honestly doesn’t care how her room looks but it’s never clean
doesn’t do anything with her hair really
dark green is her favorite color
shauna’s hair may seem simple but she’s VERY picky about how it’s cut and is always worried there gonna cut it bad so she gets it cut like twice a year(she always ends up hating it)
she wants to be some sort of doctorate she’s fascinated by the human body so i can see her wanting to be a surgeon
what i think her favorite shows are:good girls, queens gambit,13 reasons why
her favorite characters are:
-velma (chicago)
-cassie (euphoria)oh the parallels…
-amy (gone girl)
her favorite movie is chicago (loves musicals)
a simple gal she really likes dogs
taissa
she/her lesbian
-anxiety
-ptsd
joined soccer in fifth grade
mixed (duh)
used to be in the marching band
her favorite (modern!) singers are
-frank ocean
-post malone
-has a soft spot for shawn mendas has all of his albums
-really enjoys 60’s music so she really likes the beetles
her room is pretty big too not huge on decorating
doesn’t care about hair like at all will wear a headband sometimes
a good girlfriend like if your cold she will give you her jacket type she has a temper never jealous either girlfriend material she’s the type you would want your kid to date y’know?
respectful to adults gets good grades and stuff
her favorite color is like a pearlescent white and everyone is like what the hell is that (she is trying to be different this is one of my favorite colors😿)
cuts her own hair thinks it’s overpriced and dumb to have someone professionally do it
tai wants to be something important like president or some shit i can see her being a lawyer
what i think her favorite shows are:the umbrella academy,big mouth,skins
tai only watches skins and euphoria type shows because she loves the drama
her favorite characters:
-hermoine (harry potter)
-patrick (perks of being a wallflower)
-nadine (edge of seventeen)
her favorite movie is the 6th harry potter movie she also thinks it’s the most underrated
she likes tigers
van
she/her and lesbian duh
-ptsd
joined soccer kinda randomly in seventh grade
irish
plays the trumpet but is kinda embarrassed by it
her favorite (modern!) singers are
-bruno mars
-tori amos
-girl in red duh
-david bowie
-was ziggy stardust for halloween when she was 8
can’t convince me her room is not painted red
doesn’t care about hair either puts in a ponytail to keep it out of her face
is a great girlfriend all the same traits as taissa except not the best at school she’s honestly surprised she graduated
favorite color is red
her uncle cuts her hair for like five bucks out of his garage also i definitely think she used to have a bowl cut when she was little
doesn’t really care about money she just wants to be happy wants to own a record store or be a professional soccer player
speaking of records she definitely has a lot of collections like lowkey a hoarder…but her stuff is cool though! like funky pops hot wheels cd’s records etc
what i think her favorite shows are:beavis and butthead, avatar, south park
mostly likes adult animation
her favorite characters are:-harley (suicide squad)-ron (harry potter)-beast boy (teen titans)
her favorite movie is the bee movie or lego batman there cinematic masterpieces
van likes pigeons for not particular reason she just thinks there funny looking
i can see van as a surfer too like her dad definitely is one also i can imagine her being really close with her dad and they have a local family business bakery:((
misty
she/her and idk her sexually like i genuinely have no idea
-autistic
-ptsd
always wanted to be on the team but knew she was bad at sports
german definitely
her favorite (modern!) singers are
-any female kpop band
-justin bieber
-pink-
melanie martenz is her favorite forever
light purple room has justin bieber posters everywhere
lowkey forgets she has hair whenever people comment on it she’s like “oh yeah!”
very obsessive of you and loves you almost too much sometimes you think it’s creepy but than your like “awww she’s so cute”
likes the color yellow
her favorite colors are brown and orange (there her favorite because she feels bad everyone calls them ugly)
i can see her being a k-pop stan too
(her bias in bts is j-hope)
also is a famous editer on tiktok and no one knows😭her username is like “gxxbflix” or some shit
literally has had one haircut in her life like it never grows?
i see her as a pharmacist
what i think her favorite shows are:walking dead,mlp,monster high
has SO many online friends
definitely loves romance anime
she’s in like every fandom ever because she wants to have online friends and be included on discord😭
plays clarinet
is in band
favorite characters:
-cruella (cruella)-alice (alice in wonderland)-edward (edward sciccor hands)
and mistys favorite movie is alice through the looking glass (because it shows the queen of hearts back story and misty loves her)
and misty likes birds duh
those are my headcannons for them i know it’s a lot but i’m obsessed ok send requests if you have any please
-🙈
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chutkiandchotte · 7 months ago
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One more rant time!!! Or more like, Anjali appreciation? Idk take it as anything.
(I feel like I only ever come here to rant, but what can I say? I do love a good rant lol.)
Anyway I've been speed reading through a bunch of IPKKND fics lately (as one does to ~~cope~~) and I just hate how many people just fundamentally misunderstand and negatively judge Anjali's character.
Its really simple when it comes down to it - Anjali loves Shyam with the same passion, loyalty, and commitment that Khushi loves Arnav and Arnav loves Khushi by the end of the serial. Just imagine, if some one came along and told (happily married) Khushi that Arnav is cheating on her, tried to marry someone else, and had her sibling kidnapped and almost killed, would she believe them for a second? No! No evidence would ever convince her of that and vice versa. Its an absolutely WILD story to be told about your pious, sanskaari, soft-spoken, madly in love with you husband who has, thus far in your eyes, done nothing wrong except been maybe a little too busy at work.
Anjali is just as fucked up as Arnav by the trauma they went through. There's a reason she is so quick to harm herself and loses all perspective when viscerally reminded of the single worst moment of her life. What's funniest of course is the people who have immense understanding for Arnav's trauma and pain, don't give a damn about Anjali's. They keep harping on about everything (aka material benefits) which Arnav did for Anjali, while discounting the emotional support she also provided for him through those years. Because only material benefits count in relationships? Emotional IQ is nothing?
Anjali is a good sister! She looks after Arnav, takes care of his needs, monitors his health. She gives him the freedom to make his choices (unlike Nani), but she does advice him as per her understanding. She gently tries to guide him to resolve his trauma and move forward in life, but doesn't succeed probably because its beyond her paygrade. Even in the depths of her depression and confusion, she feels delighted to know that Arnav LOVES Khushi, something she worried would never happen for him (and its clear she was previously worried that their marriage happened only due to uncontrollable attraction gone wrong).
They do have a slightly unhealthy level of co-dependency, but it makes perfect sense when you consider what happened in their childhood. Anjali and Arnav are each other's emotional cornerstone for a reason. And by the end of the show, they have each moved beyond the unhealthy aspects of their relationship.They have a really complex and interesting sibling bond, and ultimately a beautiful one.
Anjali is the one character who suffered the MOST, lost the most, from the entire cast of characters. The pain she went through, that too being an exact repeat of what her mother went through, is unimaginable. And for absolutely no mistake of her own.
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usoppinggg · 2 months ago
Note
(hiiii sorry in advance if this is uhhh hard to understand? im not great at putting it into words lol,,,,)
i saw the post abt re-reading syrup village arc and it made me eager to re-read it myself and like i finished it a few hours ago and. i dont think im ever gonna get over the extremely obvious tones of like. priviledge and how it effects different ppl and how sumtimes it effects how you see other ppl and who your more willing to trust (yes this is in regards to kaya)
BECUASE. AUGH. the slap....... the moment kaya slaps usopp........... after EVERYTHING after he goes to see her day after day and makes her smile and proves again and again all he wants is to see her happy and be her friend and use his lies to weave interesting stories and be remembered. and it doesnt matter because kaya believed kuro (a privileged rich white person like her) over usopp (an under-privileged poc who was widely looked down upon in the community) OUGHHH. OUGHH..... ill never get over it,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i understand she came around in the end BUT THE IMPLICATIONS,,, THE WAY IT ALL GOES DOWN. idk maybe im just insane and projecting but its soooo fuckin. it speaks so much and it makes me just. so sad and angry and i hate her but i love her also (hate that she did that, love her generally lol). anyways i rlly love the syrup village arc it makes me fucking insane and i hope you have an amazing day<333333
Thank you for this because even before that post came on my dash I was thinking about how mad I was that all of Usopp's friends on Syrup were so quick to turn on him!
It's funny though because like, undercover Kuro doesn't even have (his own) privilege. Before his secret came out, Kuro had nothing. He ended up on Syrup with nothing but his fabricated sob story. Any and all privilege he may have had was granted to him by Kaya and her family when they took him in and hired him, and he was able to build his reputation because of that.
His image as a polite, responsible, well-off butler was juxtaposed with Usopp's reputation as a poor, trouble-making orphan. Kuro continued to sew seeds of doubt in Kaya's mind regarding Usopp's bad influence on her, which I think is what ultimately led Kaya to doubt Usopp during that dire moment.
I try to give Kaya the benefit of the doubt when it comes to her betrayal of Usopp because she was young, depressed, and manipulated, but I find it very difficult to do so. We know that Kaya has fond memories of Kuro and they presumably spent a lot of time together as he cared for her. But still, I can't imagine how that relationship could've been more important to her than her relationship with Usopp.
Usopp is her age and (as far as we know) her only friend! He came by day after day to tell her stories to lift her spirits! She was literally worrying herself into sickness, so Usopp's stories prevented her from getting even sicker. She even argued with Kuro when he spoke poorly of Usopp when she wanted him to visit! All of this points to their close friendship, and yet she was so quick to assume the worst of him when Usopp was trying to warn her of Kuro's plan to kill her. She was so angry that she slapped him. It's so unfathomable to me even now, and I remember how upset I was the first time I saw that scene. (She was able to slap Usopp when she thought he lied but was unable to shoot Kuro when her life was in immediate danger. I always found that interesting.)
Ultimately, I know that Kaya initially taking Kuro's side was all for the ~drama~ but as an Usopp stan, I can't help but be upset at her on his behalf. We all know that most of Usopp's "lies" are actually his dreams or are simply stories where he is the main character. He doesn't lie about important things. I think it's safe to assume that Kaya knew this given how long they'd been friends, and yet...........!
I'm sure that having Kaya (and the Veggie Pirates) disbelieve Usopp despite knowing him for so long was set up to contrast the way that Luffy and the others instantly knew what his plan was. But at the surface level, yeah, it just seems like Kaya valued the opinion of her privileged, fair-skinned butler over the words of her poor, dark-skinned friend, and it's so, so upsetting.
You said it well, I love Kaya, but I hate how she treated Usopp in this moment. The Syrup Village arc also makes me Insane so thank you for giving me a chance to ramble about it!
Feel free to hit up my inbox about any other One Piece thoughts, especially when Usopp is involved <3
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cheegu3 · 7 months ago
Note
Heloo may I request a enhypen reaction when y/n killed themselves and left a note saying "this is all your fault"
Sorry if this makes you uncomfy
oh not at all, I was only on the fence about writing this bc idk if talking about this topic is allowed on tumblr, but I hope u didn’t feel a lot of anxiety when sending in this ask 😭 it is a little short so sorry abt that :c some of the notes are a bit different too to switch it up!
tw / trigger warning: yandere, dark themes, depression, suicide, self-harm, sad asf, cursing, violence, blood, suicide-note, vomiting, gun
pls do not read if this triggers or offends you or if you're struggling !!
Yandere!Enhypen - reaction to you unaliving yourself
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Jungwon
He didn't know how to react when he found you dead. No tears fell down his face as he looked for a pulse, clutching your cold hand in his.
When he spotted a note lying a few meters away, a heavy sigh left his lips and he gave you a pained look.
' This is all because of you. If only you'd treated me like a normal boyfriend would, maybe we could've been soulmates. I hope you feel pain for the rest of your life. '
The more Jungwon stared at the note, blaming him for all of your pain and problems; the more he felt like he had to fight to hold back the tears that were itching to fall.
At the same time, he found a strange anger bubbling inside of him. Not only did you - the love of his life, leave him in this way but you had to wish him pain in your last breath too?
He became blinded by anger. The hand that was holding the note clenched and the paper crumbled under it.
He will try to stay alive just to spite you. Trying his best to move on and get happy, maybe fall in love again and find a family just so he could get his revenge; as you watched from above and realized you meant nothing to him.
But Jungwon never got over you, not really.
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Heeseung
He got angry immediately, cussing you out and almost getting the urge to hit you. Instead, he took his anger out on a mirror and felt some sense of relief when he started to bleed.
He blamed himself of course. He had been wrong about how you were feeling, even though he often prided himself on having been able to read you like an open book.
He didn't notice your spark slowly dying out; the more he got angry the more he got jealous, and then the more you were punished for the smallest things.
It got to a point where you couldn't even live in the moment and enjoy the short times when he was a sweet boyfriend again, because you were always scared of what would tick him off a few seconds later.
' I'm sorry, Hee. I was so tired of fighting. I love you,
y/n. '
His vision blurred as tears filled his eyes. He could only manage to hold them back for a few seconds before he doubled over and sobbed loudly.
The room filled with loud wails of pain that would even make angels cry. Anyone that heard it would know just how much he loved you.
Heeseung clutched his chest right where his aching heart felt like it was being ripped out of him. '' I'm sorry, I'm so sorry baby, '' he kept whispering until he was tired of crying for hours and it turned into shaky murmurs.
He fell asleep, hoping it would be eternal, with your body in his arms; dried tears on his cheeks being replaced by new ones, as even in his sleep he couldn't escape seeing his lover.
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Jay
It was the worst phone call he had ever received. He didn't know how to react after it ended, only staring blankly into the distance as his thoughts went crazy.
He needed to see you with his own eyes to believe it so he rushed home. His stomach sank when he spotted the ambulance. Quickly he pushed through the people to get to you.
But when he reached you and saw your lifeless body on the stretcher, he didn't know what to do yet again. A stupid voice inside him told him he should keep his cool in front of all the spectators, even while the love of his life lay dead in front of him.
Did he want to cry, scream, or hold you?
He lowered his eyes to get the image of you like that out of his head. Still in shock, he went inside, locked the doors, and shut the windows' blinds.
He stayed like that for days; barely eating, seeing the sun, or getting out of bed. No matter how bad his depression got and how the light at the end of the tunnel seemed to get further and further away, he still refused to cry.
There was a reason. Your note.
He had seen it while cleaning his house that day he got home. Not wanting to let his thoughts get to him, he started sterilizing and cleaning the whole house. When he then got to the bedroom, a small green note poked out underneath the bed.
He crouched and was about to throw it away until he turned it over and read the first and only line.
' this is all your fault '
And after that, he'd never be the same man again. Most days he wondered if he was even human anymore, he didn't feel anything.
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Jake
'' Y/n! I'm home. ''
Jake's face scrunched up as he pouted when you didn't come running to him like usual. Something felt wrong, a bad feeling brewed in his stomach, growing in size the more he moved around in his apartment.
He went further in, peeking around the corners but not calling out for you anymore. It felt better to explain the bad feeling by thinking you were doing something you weren't supposed to, rather than you being hurt; so he moved quietly so he could catch you in the act.
Inside the office, you were nowhere to be found. He guessed you had snuck in there to write to your loved ones or maybe snoop through his stuff. Defeatedly he sighed and moved on, eyes getting caught by the door to the bedroom being slightly open.
Jake stopped in his step and turned back.
'' Y/n? Are you in there? Come out please, I just want to talk, '' he tried, his voice coming out a lot more whiny and desperate than he'd planned.
But he got no response except for silence. His worry grew. One deep breath later he pushed the door open before he could change his mind.
It slowly creaked open, revealing the room little by little. He fell to his knees and gasped.
You were lying in a pool of blood. At first, he felt a surge of anger - who could've done this to you? Then, his attention drifted to the small folded note next to you, and his heart sank.
'' No, please don't say...'' he trailed off, hurrying to unwrap the paper with so much panic that he almost ripped it.
' I wanted to meet my friend one last time, that's all I asked for, but like always it was about what you wanted. We both know that this was all your fault. '
Overcome with despair and grief it wouldn't take long for Jake to join you. He couldn't stand being apart, and he'd find you wherever you were, even in death.
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Sunghoon
He felt very angry at you, not himself. Yes, he had dared you to do it while the two of you were in the middle of a screaming match but he hadn't expected you to actually pick up a gun.
The image of you staring at him, tears in your eyes, and that look on your face, which was the last he'd see of you, would forever be etched in his mind.
He couldn't sleep at night. It was like it was burned into the back of his eyes too.
Once your body fell to the floor with a thud, his eyes widened and his lips parted. He knew you were gone without even having to check your pulse.
'' Do it, '' those were his last words to the one person he loved.
He felt sick suddenly, rushing to the bathroom to throw up everything and then some more.
In that bathroom he stayed for hours, just staring blankly at the tiles on the wall, not saying a word or moving an inch. After the sun started setting outside and the light caught his eyes, he finally got up and went to where he had last left you.
You hadn't moved. Sunghoon crouched down next to you and started digging in your pockets for your phone. Something sharp brushed against his palm.
He took it out and saw that it was a note. Unraveling it, he discovered it was a suicide note you must've written a long time ago. Had you always had it on you? Just in case.
' I hate you '
He clenched his fist around the paper, it broke. '' Weak, '' he whispered under his breath and got up.
It was a coping mechanism to place all the anger on you. God knows what he would've done if he started letting that transfer to himself. But, even the anger couldn't stop him from missing you - every single day.
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Sunoo
He would blame himself immensely, not having room to be mad at you at all. All that he felt for you was pity and empathy. He tried putting himself in your shoes for the first time and it was a heartbreak he'd never experienced before.
He went to school that day, so excited to see you, only to feel horror as he pushed through the crowd that had formed curiously and saw your body there.
It felt like slow-motion when the wind made you turn and you made eye contact with him. Whispers spread like wildfire all around him, surrounding him completely.
Sunoo felt confused and scared, his eyes darted around anxiously and he tried slipping out. Someone pushed him back.
'' You did this! ''
His head snapped up. A girl, your friend, was standing on the table overlooking the whole classroom. Her eyes were red from crying and in her hand, she was holding something white.
' I'm sorry to do this here, but it's because of my boyfriend, he's controlling and an obsessive, crazy person. I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of him. I'm sorry, I love you '
His world fell apart in an instant. He had no idea you'd been feeling like that, why didn't you tell him? He ran his fingers through his disheveled hair as he came to a realization - you did, and he didn't listen.
He was finally allowed to push through the crowd and run away from the school which he'd never again return to. Tears streamed down his face the whole way home, and they didn't stop even as he reached it.
In his mind, all the ' what if-s ' played. What if he fixed himself and was less obsessive, would you have stayed then? What if he was less jealous, would you have loved him back? What if...what if.
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Ni-ki
He tried distracting his mind by both rationalizing it to soften the blow, saying '' we probably weren't made for each other anyway '', and trying to go on dates with other girls.
However, every time he did so, he'd zone out and wish that it was you sitting across from him instead. He started daydreaming which brought a smile to his face until it dropped almost as suddenly as it had come when he heard her voice and realized it wasn't you.
They could never be you.
Suddenly he was angry at them, cursing and telling them to leave him alone and to never text him again.
Deep down he knew he'd never love anyone like you again, and you were actually meant for him; but he hated admitting it and to spare himself from more pain, might never admit it.
That was the thing, you were meant for him. Not anymore; you didn't exist anymore, because of him. He knew that now that his soulmate was gone forever, his bleak days would never be lit up by you again.
Just thinking of that smile, the only one that managed to get through his tough and cold exterior, made him feel like crying or punching something.
He then thought of the note, which he often did, and your body at the morgue because he hadn't come home quick enough to see you, and for that he was grateful; seeing you like that would've driven him to the edge.
The note, the one that read, ' I'm sorry, Riki. I tried, I really did. I love you, -y/n '
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nxtt2-u · 3 months ago
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⏤ roses ࣪ ⤹
everything red is a cold reminder of what felix once had.
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꒰ lee felix + fem!reader ⏤ 0.9k words ꒱ oneshot
༄ content info & warnings !! breakup aftermath. angst ⋆ hurt no comfort (i think? idk). felix’s pov. some swearing.
✉️𓂃 ࣪˖ inspired by jaehyun’s roses. ik this is short & not that good but i got a random burst of motivation and birthed this so… enjoy!
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It’s been four months since you broke up with Felix.
Felix knows it’s better for the both of you — he truly does. That knowledge still doesn’t it make it sting any less when he occasionally discovers an old item that belongs to you around the dorm he shares with Seungmin.
The most recent thing he found was one of your lipsticks. Red, just like the roses he used to surprise you with on every anniversary the two of you could share around his hectic schedule as an idol.
Red, just like the heels you would ogle online late in the night while Felix watched TV beside you in your bed. He contemplated buying them for you more than once, but every time it was brought up you’d quickly brush it off, claiming you’d have nowhere to wear them to. He regrets it — your beauty would’ve put the deep gorgeous shade of red to shame.
Fuck. Another reminder of red, just like the hearts you would send when you curiously texted him at the end of the day, sweetly asking about his day and what he ate.
He grits his teeth at the reminder he no longer receives those texts. His phone is unbearably dry, if his member’s messages and the occasional texts from family don’t count.
Sometimes, when he gets too desperate at night, he scrolls back through his chat log with you and has to bite his fist to hold back the tears that threaten to overflow. Heartbreak is genuinely one of the worst feelings he’s ever experienced.
Felix shakes his head to rid himself of the thought and stares out the window of his apartment with a sigh. It’s for the better, he reminds himself. In the end, he couldn’t provide you with the proper affection and time you deserved.
Deep down, Felix is happy you were strong enough to put an end to the relationship, purely because he himself never would’ve been able to let you go despite the suffering that increasingly began to build up as the relationship progressed.
Fuck. He can’t stop thinking about it. With an exasperated groan, Felix falls back onto his bed and runs a hand through his blonde hair. He toys with the ends for a minute, contemplating on what color he should do next. Maybe black again?
His heart sinks when his brain immediately jumps to a memory of you from six months ago. You were propped against the headboard of your bed with Felix’s head in your lap. His hair was much shorter at the time, but you ran your hands and twined the dark strands together with a content hum regardless of the length.
“Black looks so good on you,” you had sighed as your fingers gently began to massage his scalp. His eyes had slipped close in bliss, but now he regrets that entirely. That could’ve been a perfect moment to stare up and take in the slope of your nose, the curve of your lips, the shape of your eyes. But, like an idiot, he fucking wasted it.
Dragging himself out of the depressed haze that is his mind once more, Felix digs the heels of his palms into his eyes until his sight fills with static. He needs to move on, but it’s like you’ve strung his heart around a leash that he can’t rip off no matter how hard he tries. Why, why, why?
He sits up and eyes his phone that rests undisturbed on the nightstand near his bed. He knows it’s a bad idea. He shouldn’t. Absolutely, one hundred percent, should not look at your Instagram profile to see how your life is without him.
Three minutes later, Felix wants to scream and rip his hair out as he swipes through your recent posts against his better judgment, seeing you happy and glowing with a man who isn’t him. He manages to scroll down to find three similar posts, one being a picture of you holding a bouquet of roses, before he clicks off the device, gingerly places it back where it was, and curls up in a ball atop his comforter to let out a broken sob.
He misses you so fucking badly that everything internal aches beyond words. It kills him to know that someone else is out there buying you roses and sharing every anniversary with you, not just the ones Felix could manage to physically attend.
He hates how time-consuming his job is. He doesn’t know how long he lays there and loses himself to a mental spiral, bawling his eyes out, until he blearily hears the jingle of keys and click of a door, indicating Seungmin is home. When said man knocks once a moment later before letting himself into the room, it’s with a sympathetic wince full of pity.
Felix sniffles and tries to take a deep breath through his hyperventilating as Seungmin carefully trods over. He lets Seungmin wordlessly coax him into sitting, lets him draw him into a gentle hug, lets him allow Felix to bury his face into his shoulder. He only cries harder at the warm embrace, smearing snot on the sleeve of his roommate’s jacket. Seungmin doesn’t comment on it, though, and continues to rub soothing circles on his back in silence.
They both know Felix will manage to pull the thorns out of his heart eventually.
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2024 © nxtt2-u on tumblr. do not steal, repost, or edit.
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jelly-of-many-ships · 9 days ago
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Intersting experience in math class:
I was doing some work while listening to the good omens soundtrack because it helps me focus and I love remembering which scene each track is from. Anyway, David Arnold (the composer) also composed most of the music for BBC Sherlock, which I don’t think too many people know (He’s amazing and I love literally everything he makes). And so when I finished the good omens album it started playing other music by the artist, which in this case, happened to be the BBC Sherlock intro.
I have not heard that song in almost a year in a half. BBC Sherlock was like a canon event for me, it was the first real fandom I joined and it introduced me to tumblr, fanfiction, and literally every concept associated with fandoms. Most pieces media Ive consumed, and definitely every fandom i’ve joined since then has been in some way because of tumblr, or other fandom spaces. Even good omens, which I am currently hyperfixating on to a frankly concerning extent, I was only introduced to via the domino effect of BBC Sherlock.
Why is this important? idk...backstory I guess? whatever, anyways, after awhile a fell more and more out of interest with Sherlock, and while I’d definitely still consider myself in the fandom, I’m just not really that into it anymore, especially since the rest of the fandom isn’t very active either. The year when my interest was the strongest was a very interesting time. I was really insecure and not very happy, but I had some amazing people in my life who I really miss. These two things, I think, are possibly the worst combination to have in terms of nostalgia, and I find that experiencing things that remind me of this period feels very strange. For example I physically cannot listen to some of the songs I added to my playlist around this time without getting really emotional, but I refuse to delete them because they really do feel like a part of me. From time to time I do remember the bad things and maybe feel a bit upset, and yet if I could go back, I know I would, just to remember what it was like to experience it all.
I don’t think I could ever fully explain it but BBC Sherlock genuinely felt like opening a very weird portal, and so when in the middle of math class, immediately after listening to the good omens track “the end?” and vividly imagining the end credit scene of season two, the Sherlock intro started playing, I felt such a strange mix of awe and nostalgia that I almost started crying. It sounds pretty stupid typing this up, but it was such a unique experience, and I don’t think I can really explain it. Good Omens is the only thing I’ve been even somewhat interested in to the extend of Sherlock, and after listening to possibly the most depressing song of the entire show, to have such a sharp reminder of who I used to be blast full volume into my head felt like diving headfirst into cold water. It really does sound stupid, but in that exact moment I remembered everything; the evening I heard that song for the first time, staying up for hours scrolling through pinterest and discovering the fandom, the first day I told my friends about it, the day i read my first fanfic, the day I was so convinced they were gay I accidentally discovered shipping (lol), the night I finished season 4, alone, at 2am, the day I joined tumblr, the week I learned how to play “the game is on” on piano, and the lunch period I wrote my first fic after daydreaming about it for weeks.
These things probably seem pretty mundane, but this was like a new world to me. They represent more than just discovering I new interest though. They’re some of the only memories I have of that time. I cut my hair, I realized I was queer, and for the first time in my entire life I had an actual friendgroup, one that I still care about so much. Life was, at the same time horrible, yet the best it had ever been, and I didn’t even know it. When I really think about It, I realize in actuality how little time has really passed, but everything feels so different. I think to myself that there’s no way that person was me, that the kid who had so much energy and enthusiasm for life, poetry and writing and had yet never felt so insecure couldn’t have possibly turned into the burnt out, powerless person I feel I am today.
At least I’m not so insecure anymore? I’m not so sure what to say. All I know, is I think that moment in math class made me realize how much I’ve grown, how much I appreciate those experience I got to have, and how much that song will always mean to me.
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corvidae-corvus · 8 months ago
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Itadori Yuuji x MHA fanfic Idea Prompt #1:
Summary of overall fic idea:
Yuuji gets transported to the MHA verse after defeating the king of curses.
Depressed and incredibly lonely, Yuji tries to find a way back home. In his failure to do so, Yuji despairs.
It isn't until he comes across a hero that Yuji thinks about his grandfather's last words (his curse).
Despite never wanting to sacrifice his life again for the sake of others, he enters the U.A entrance exam for one sole purpose: himself.
To use his powers freely, without punishment. (to help others, cause at the end of the day, Yuji likes to help people)
And perhaps even.....going against the hero commission!?
Explanation:
So yeah that's the summary (WIP) to a fanfic Idea I had. I imagine the story to take place after Yuji sacrifices himself to defeat Sukuna. Now this is just based on my theories and headcanons. Like in my mind, this fanfic would take place after Yuji eats Sukuna. (Crazy ik)
Like y'know how twins are important in the JJK verse? And how people speculate that Sukuna ate his twin? And how there are theories that Yuji is somehow Sukuna's descendant?
Well my headcanon is that Sukuna had a twin brother who had a wife and many children (or just a child) and Sukuna ate his twin and killed his brother's family. But he failed to kill all of his brother's kids and so Yuji is like his great grand nephew X30 or something.
Basically Yuji and Sukuna aren't twins as in actual twins but twins as in their fates? Like They're the complete opposite of one another. Yuji is a good and kind person and Sukuna is the fucking worst. Yuji represents just everything that Sukuna hates. Literally Yuji hates pure evil (Sukuna lol) and Sukuna hates Yuji who is in his eyes a weakling that doesn't give up and has an unshakable will which is disgusting to him because how can someone so weak have such determination and will power. He hates Yuji lol. Sukuna is yuji's number one hater.
And in my fic the only way to defeat Sukuna is to eat all of him or something. Not his fingers but like his soul. (Ok thinking back on this maybe not eat Sukuna? Maybe he and Sukuna just have a soul battle or whatever. And Yuji just destroys Sukuna's soul without having to resort to eating him. Idk I want some sort of cannibalism to be involved in the fic but I don't know why.)
For example Yuji and Sukuna were trying to eat each other, because Sukuna realized that if he ate Yuji he'd get stronger or something. Something, something, power or whatever. And obv Yuji ate Sukuna when Sukuna left Magumi's body after Yuji forcefully separated Sukuna from megumi. At that point Sukuna was able to fight Yuji in his og form without a body, and he couldn't use mahoraga or whatever.
Anyways Yuji beats the ever loving shit outta Sukuna cause honestly fuck that guy (love him tho <3) and well Yuji fucking dies and yuji's soul is kinda shit rn cause he ate the king of fucking curses and so his soul leaves the JJK verse and gets stranded in MHA. and since dimensial travel cleansed his soul or whatever he's no longer in danger of combusting into himself and dying. Yuji is alive and he has all his powers and Sukuna's powers too! >:)
Now since the MHA verse doesn't have cursed energy he just has to supply the cursed energy himself. Which is easy to do since Yuji has a large amount of cursed energy. And he gathers cursed energy with his own emotions and yeah Yuji is experiencing a lot of emotions rn.
Yeah Yuji is pretty op in this fic (WIP).
It'll make this story more of Yuji walking around destroying villains while having an existential crisis. All while toppling hero society. Lmao
Like in this fic, if I were to start to write it, I'd have it so we skip a lot of stuff. Maybe it can be written in an outsider pov. With occasional Yuji pov. Just people's reactions or thoughts on Yuji. A lot of him exploring off campus and meeting with villains, hell I love it when crossover fanfics that involve MHA introduce the broker guy.
Oh the fic can have a little horror/thriller/supernatural vibe. With Yuji being described as just plain weird. Or scary from other MHA characters. Some tiger symbolism for Yuji.
Just a crossover fic where UA isn't the only setting. Cause I've read a lot of MHA crossovers and although I absolutely love the characters becoming UA students and all the author's ideas changing the whole story because of a characters' involvement. I just need another setting. Or maybe new characters other than Bakugou, Deku, Todoroki, All Might and Aizawa. (Especially Aizawa lol. He's always the first hero that is introduced and is immediately speculative of the main character other than maybe principal nezu).
Hell maybe a two year time skip. I'll be honest the way horikoshi wrote about mutant discrimination with Shoji was kinda ass and I also feel like the Hero commission needed more punishment.
Damn I might write this fic idea...maybe...
I just needed to vomit this idea. It was painful not writing it down. Actually I feel like this post would be hard to understand cause I was writing this a certain way and if I didn't write this post in a specific way with specific words It would make me have this painful feeling in my gut that I'm not properly conveying what I'm trying to say.
Anyways thank u for reading.
P.S. I never read the jjk manga and I only watched like 9 episodes of the JJK anime. I just read leaks and watch people's analysis of JJK on Tik tok. So if I get something wrong about a character.... I'm sorry. I promise I'll read the manga one day 😭
P.P.S- if you couldn't already tell, Yuji is my fav JJK character
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mothmans-arthritis · 20 days ago
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Idk if I've ever explained my plan to fix my alcoholism here, cuz full sobriety is not truly my end goal, if that's how it goes it's how it goes. My plan is 6 months sober, then I'm allowed 1 day to drink, then back to sobriety for six months, allowed 1 day to drink, and repeat for a 3rd and maybe 4th time. After that I'll see where I stand with alcohol but the end goal is to basically go back to only drinking on special occasions and where I no longer have to track my drinks. And because this is about fixing my relationship with alcohol, I'm not counting down days and drinking the moment I'm able.
My last drink was 7 months and 50+ lbs ago so ive alreadysurpassed my goal, I'm planning on having my drink day on Halloween (or more realisticly the day after cuz I think I'm scheduled to work the day of) and I'm hoping the w3ight and time difference 1. Severely decrease the amount I "need" to get drunk cuz I had been putting away the largest size bottle of vodka in 2-3days and 2. Honestly kinda hoping I feel kinda shitty the next day so my brain makes the connection too much alcohol = feel shitty instead of I feel like shit everyday = cope with alcohol
I'm just grateful that the worst of my alcoholism just caused depression and melting organs cuz my dad was a mean and abusive drunk and I'd like to believe that if alcohol made me mean I would never touch it and would never get to that point but unfortunately you can never truly know how you'd react to an experience without having experienced it
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imnotsimpingyouare · 1 year ago
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ENAMORED
Modern Hatengu clones X Reader
Featuring:
"Pissed Cubicle Worker" Sekido
"Depressed Programmer" Aizetsu
"That Guy in the Alley" Karaku
"Unfunny Youtube Prankster" Urogi
"Disappointed Grandpa" Hantengu
"Delinquent Middle Schooler" Zohakuten
"Possibly a Criminal" Akaza
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
You will NOT be shipped with Zohakuten or Hantengu because
A.) One is an old man
B.) One is a young boy
Ty for your time 😌
Basically fem!Y/N gets employed as a maid for this house of actual lunatics and one normal but depressed guy. I have no clue what I'm doing, no clue when this will end, NO CLUE IF THERE WILL BE NSFW? Idk. Goodbye.
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
On this fine morning, the sun is rising, the birds are chirping, and all throughout the neighborhood, the peaceful blanket of sleep covers every resident.
Except for Aizetsu.
Yes, this lovely boy relishes in the cold, calm mornings... he can stroll about freely with his cup of coffee, take a warm shower, and get himself ready for the day. He can enjoy the peace and quiet (he's gained immunity to Urogi's snoring) that he only gets once in a blue moon. For around thirty minutes each morning, this is Aizetsu's life...
...until the clock strikes 7:00.
How sad is it that in one moment, this boy's contentedness can be ruined?
Here are the stats for 7:00 each morning:
4 alarms go off.
2 groans are heard.
1 fit of maniacal laughter is heard.
1 alarm clock violently hits the wall.
1 old man tosses in his covers and puts his earplugs in.
1 Aizetsu's happiness is ruined.
And just like that, the morning had begun.
Zohakuten darts out of his room like a madman, running to the pantry.
"WHERE. IS. THE CEREAL." He snarls like some kind of vicious beast, pointing a scrawny finger at Aizetsu.
"...I–"
"I BET YOU ATE IT ALL, DIDN'T YOU?" The boy once again accused.
"...I–"
Angry stomping was coming from the other direction. Turning his head, Aizetsu came face to face with his brother, whose hair resembled a tumbleweed, stomping barefooted towards them. "Shut the fuck up and GET READY FOR SCHOOL! YOU'RE GONNA LEARN SOME SHIT TODAY!"
Zohakuten ran off to his room, but not before grabbing the cereal bars out of the pantry. Yes, the whole box. A trail of crumbs were left behind him as he barreled towards his room. Did he take off the wrapper? No one knows. Did he even take the cereal bars out of the box? Don't ask me.
Sekido huffed, slipping his house shoes on and plopping down on the sofa. "Little tyke takes too damn long in the morning. What's he making himself presentable for, huh?"
"...I–"
Dark-toned hands dug into the arms of the sofa. "I swear, if that kid comes home one day with a little girlfriend, I'm gonna rip someone's head off."
Aizetsu only sighed in response. What's the point of trying to get a word in?
Suddenly laughing was heard in Urogi's room. Not a moment later there he was, already dressed for his day of "production" holding his camera in the air. Urogi slinked in Aizetsu's direction, giving the camera all the worst possible angles of his poor brother. "Say hi to the vlog, 'Zetsu!"
"Zetsu" could only sip his coffee, hoping that if he ignores his brother, he'll despawn or something. That was not the case.
"Hey 'Zetsu? Did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face, your IQ is lower than room temperature?"
Now... when Aizetsu wakes up in the morning, he's not... as clever as he usually is.
Actually, maybe he is after his coffee, but I don't think he has the energy yet to stop what's about to happen.
"No Urogi, I didn't know that." He deadpans, raising his hand up to his face... all the while Urogi's smile is transforming from cute and bubbly to that of Satan himself.
As soon as his hand is lined up with his nose..
WHAP
CRASH
Aizetsu's coffee is on the floor, as is the mug which once contained it. His nose hurts, he feels like an idiot, he wants to die. Urogi cackles and runs away like a 3 year old.
Somewhere on the other side of the house, Karaku is doing his "skincare routine" with 30 different products and his hair twisted up in hair curlers.
This is life in the Hantengu Household.
○○○○○
On the other side of town, you're already wide awake, as your job starts at the crack of dawn.
What do you do? You clean!
You work for Murata's Service Emporium, a company that hires people to do all kinds of things for clients, from mowing lawns to sweeping chimneys. Why is this important?
It's not. You hate your job.
Clean clean clean clean clean. You hate cleaning. It's a chore to clean your own tiny apartment because it's like you have PTSD from cleaning. The callouses on your hands are to show for that.
Day to night, that's all you do, and you don't even get to see the client's reaction to your amazing work.
You. Hate. Your. Job.
But you're still one of the best maids the company has hired. Why? You're a perfectionist. You're not going to leave spots of dirt and dust. You work hard to earn your tips.
Well, the ones you do get. No one tips maids anyway.
Soon to start another day at work, you put on your clothes and grab your keys. 2 cups of coffee is enough for you to feel okay this morning, but you could have used another one.
Maybe if you'd had another one, you wouldn't have tripped and fallen down the stairs. Maybe a few more after that, and you wouldn't have picked yourself up only to fall down the second flight of stairs.
God, how bad can this day get?
At least, that's what you were thinking, when a hand was extended to you. Looking up, there was a man with short black hair and rather prominent eyelashes standing infront of you. You took his hand. He pulled you up to his height.
"I saw you take both those sets of stairs. Are you... okay?" He spoke, not yet letting go of your hand, but it didn't bother you that much.
"Ummmmmm... I only had 2 cups of coffee this morning. 3 is the bare minimum for me."
Getting a closer look at him, you could see he had some tattoos around his forearms. In fact, they reminded you of criminal tattoos. Are you holding the hand of a criminal?
No, no way! This guy couldn't be some kind of evil, bloodthirsty, evil, donut-making..
He cleared his throat, interrupting your thoughts. "Well, I hope you have a good day, Ma'am. I'm leaving for work now, so I'll see you later?" He says, smiling at you and releasing your hand.
"..yeah. That sounds good."
He laughs before walking away, presumably to his car.
Are you stupid? What are you doing? You're gonna be late!
You rush to your car, hoping you're fast enough. It'll be your third offense, and you can't get fired from this job. How else will you pay the bills? How will you buy groceries? Clothes? You slam the gas and go over the limit until you see your arch nemesis ahead, blocking your path like a giant wall.
A red light.
God dammit.
○○○○○
"Y/N!" A deep voice yells from across the hall. You look over, just a few steps into the building, and see your boss, fuming.
He stops over to you, crossing his arms. "Why are you late again? The first client you're assigned to has a big task! What are you doing dilly-dallying?"
"I–"
He puts a hand up to hush you.
"Y/N.. this is not your first time doing this! How can you expect anyone to view you as reliable when this is how you do your job. Ugh." He scowls. "Listen, we don't have anyone to cover you. Just.. do the job, and go home. Got it?"
Your heart stopped. "...go home?"
His eyes burned into yours, threatening to swallow you hole. "As in no more Y/N. As in turn in your uniform. How else do you want me to say it?"
You were stunned. He only scoffed, prancing away from you like some kind of doe.
Oh God.
You just got fired.
What are you supposed to do?
Who's gonna take you?
How are you gonna find work in a town like this?
The thoughts zooming through your head stop only when you view the client's last name on your written schedule, posted on the wall infront of you.
Hantengu.
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godeaterazathoth · 1 year ago
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Issues I have with ikevamp
That I’m venting here because they won’t leave my skull
*Content warning, we’re talking about men in the past, they did some bad stuff*
Part 1, historical inaccuracies
I’m I history nut so this really gets to me, since I know the deep details of these peoples lives.
The timeline, ok so the game takes place in 18th France, correct me if I’m wrong but I think it is in the second empire (1852-1870) considered there is a noble class, yet you can clearly see the Eiffel Tower which was completed in 1889, there is no mention of the 1889 exposition, so it must be after the tower had become permanent, by then the 3rd republic was around, if we are in the republic the Count wouldn’t be called that by the npcs at all the parties he goes to, no matter which we’re in, NOBODY mentions Napoleon III at, NOT EVAN HIS UNCLE (WHOSE SOMEHOW BECAME CASS CONSCIOUS!)
How does the time travel work, example, Dazai died in 1948, his plan was seemingly to wait until he’s born in 1909 then kill himself as a baby, but then he decides to use the magic door, what are the consequences of 2 Dazais existing at once or him erasing himself from history, he’s a pretty important literary figure, does someone else replace him or does the space time continuum collapse?? Is the future Vlad sees set in stone or can it be changed, just copy someone else’s time travel bit!!!
So straight up these guys aren’t who they say they are, we’ll go through 1 by 1
Napoleon- doesn’t mention he left the love of his life to marry a girl 20 years his junior (like think how interesting it would be if he’s conflicted about love cuz he had to give it up for political reasons) -that scene where MC talks about all the ‘good’ that he did in Europe, like committing war crimes against the Spanish and Portuguese and Eastern Europeans, being a coloniser, killing the slaves he freed when they asked for more rights, killing thousands of men in a meaningless war (ligit H*tler vibes)
Arthur- goofy irl, literally believed in fairies, had 5 children and married twice but he never mentions any of this, he cheated on his first wife while she was dying of TB, he was a liberal unionist (tldr didn’t like Irish people) he was anti-immigration, might have committed fraud. We’ll get to the other issues I have with him.
Leonardo- fruity as hell, vegetarian
Mozart- they got his character completely wrong, the guy was a complete man child, vain, broke, by the end of his life his career fell off (Beethoven better composer), in love with his cousin 🤢, had a s*at fetish 🤢🤢🤢. The hole Salieri thing didn’t happen.
Vincent- they made him too mentally stable, I’m all for him being meek, but the guy had serious issues that they ignore, he ate paint thinner, was rejected by his both crushes, WHY DOES HE HAVE BOTH EARS, DID IT GROW BACK, THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM WITH ONLY ONE, also he should be ginger smh. Oh yeah and they never mentioned the s*ecide attempt.
Theo- doesn’t mention his wife, or son, WHO HE NAMED AFTER VINCENT, his wife is the person responsible for Vincent’s work not being completely forgotten, was way nicer irl.
Issac- tbh hotter irl, low key ace, maybe a fruit, kinda mean, the only thing they got right was the major virgin vibes.
Jean- WHY MAN!??!! Even if the didn’t want a lesbian route, they could have gone with any other guy from the 100 years war, Edward black prince, idk WHY GENDER BEND ONE OF THE MOST PROMINENT WOMEN IN HISTORY, I’m fine with the delusional trans dude lie, but they say that he was a guy all along, THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIM BEING BURNT AT THE STAKE IF HE WASN’T CROSS DRESSING???!!! was he double cross dressing??? This is the worst of them all, give me the girl boss we deserve (revers fate)
Dazai- not depressed enough imo, he was a leftist, again missing wife, their were two su*ecide attempts, guy lived through fire bombing, had a few children that he is fine to erase from existence.
Shakespeare- probably a fruit, again never mentioned his wife and kids, btw the way he talks is annoying, some people don’t think he’s real.
Faust- NOT A REAL PERSON.
Sanson- too young, this guys is 67, really liked the guillotine, just saw execution as his job didn’t really care, had a wife and kids.
Vlad- Ok is he supposed to be Vlad THE impaler? Cuz he’s not evil enough, or is he a Dracula reference, cuz he can’t dance that dance either, why did they call him Vlad if he isn’t a blood thirsty war criminal.
Count- not enough history to work with.
Part 2, problematic moments
So I ha have seen some posts on the low key misogynistic way the MC is written and treated and there are a lot of issues wit white washing history so another trigger warning ⚠️
Misogyny- the MC of this game is not the best, I know she’s a self insert but she has no backbone at all. She lacks agency I’m most of the routes, like the MC getting kidnapped is a troupe in all these games, but Emma can escape on her own, Kate has ⚽️, even Alice had more depth to her, seems the only thing MC can do is cry and wait to be saved, I swear she gets kidnapped once in every route, I think they could have given her more character to work with. Another thing, but Jean being a man is bad, really bad, she’s a feminist icon but they made her a man, it’s sought of saying that women aren’t capable of this so she had to have actually been a man.
Handling of SA, important one here, I’m ok with the flirty guy, but I really hate Arthur, he doesn’t just flirt with her in chapter 1 he assaults her and acts like he did her a service, and she just forgives him!?! I’m fine with a guy that sleeps around, I like Jin and Nokto fine, but the way Arthur talks about women, always calling them Birds (if they were going for English slang it doesn’t work cuz he doesn’t have a cockney accent) or worse Skirts, it’s dehumanising, and shows that to him women are vehicles for sexual pleasure and aren’t on an equal level of understanding. There are smaller parts to, Leo kisses her without consent, the Count hides the truth from her, idk but Theo calling her a ‘hound’ sounds like he’s calling her something else…
Minor points on classism, I’m not expecting the communist manifesto, but all these games aren’t very good at dealing with class deviation. In Vlad’s route, the orphan boy thinks he can impress the rich girl, this is the 19th century, capitalism is on the rise, but there’s no comment about how it’s impossible. The little school Napoleons runs is strange, considering he was in a position where benefited from poor people existing and staying poor, ( side note, he’s teaching them swordsmanship when ww1 is right around the corner, just saying they won’t need it in the military) called MC out as a social climber, these games sought of depict the past through rosé tinted glasses, there’s only passing reference to how fucked people were in the past, Also all the historical inaccuracies above tie to this.
Anyway love to hear some other opinions, (I started playing this game before my transition and have always thought it it was wired, it’s my personal least favourite just cuz I couldn’t really get into any of the guys, my OC ended up as a Carmilla reference so….)
I have seen a post talking about some of the issues before so that’s what got me to write this out, if you disagree or want to add anything I’m all ears 👂
Thanks for reading 💗💖💖💕💓💝💗🥰🥰🥰❤️✨✨✨✨❤️⭐️⭐️⭐️
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