#idk just. i feel like the last couple weeks have been an absolute roller coaster of. some of the happiest/most comfortable i've been in a

[tempestclerics]

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[strawberryybird]

a handy basic compliment builder

IDK about y’all but i’ve been reading 20x the fic I was a month ago, mostly at 2am when i can’t sleep and i’m holding my phone on a 45° angle to keep the screen from turning. and because i’m reading ungodly amounts of fic after the sun sets, I forget to comment, and I like being able to comment coherent compliments. So! I made a comment builder. 

I struggle for 85 reasons in a trench coat to comment on fics - it’s something i find really hard! genuinely really hard! One of the pertinent reasons being I’m dyslexic, and I can read a fic, love it, and then read other comments and realise I’ve accidentally read a very different version of the fic than they all did. So I keep my comments short, vague in my love and specific in what i love, and overtly positive! This isn’t a rigid structure to be followed at all times! This is my own personal style, that I thought I would share! by all means, adapt it to your own style! :)

Welcome to my ‘Victoria Sponge Compliment’ method! It, like a victoria sponge cake, has 4 main parts: ‘Adjective of Positivity’, ‘Favourite Thing’, ‘Why I Liked That Thing’, and ‘Thank you’. 

(I write this to be fic-commenting specific, but replace the some of the language like ‘dialogue’ to ‘colour choice’ and you’ve got yourself a handy-dandy art compliment method too!)

1. The Cake: Adjective of Positivity: what adjective will I use to encapsulate the likely emotional roller-coaster the fic sent me on? With longfic, angst and assorted serious topics, I tend to stick to more formal adjectives, but with comedy, I end up leaning more towards informal words. but that’s a me problem. here’s a handy list:

great, amazing, brilliant, fantastic, ‘so so good’, awesome, ‘my heart can’t take it!’ excellent, ‘every second was enjoyable’, delightful, enchanting, ‘OH the Emotions! I loved it!’

The point of this isn’t to reduce the amount of love you feel, it’s really just to start off the comment in a really positive way. I’ve read some old exchanged between reader and author where the reader doesn’t actually say they Liked the fic until halfway down a comment chain! so i like to be upfront with my love! 

2. The Jam: A Favourite Thing: character/quote/scene/emotion provoked

You liked all of it? absolutely say so in as many iterations as you please! You liked a couple of things really strongly? Pick them out and say so! the author probably loved writing them!

Maybe it’s a poignant quote that made you stand up and walk around the house before opening back up the fic? the way Ferdinand’s speech was phrased just so perfectly? the way the mutual pining unraveled like string? the part where you laughed harder than you have all day? The hilarious 2 lines of dialogue you’ve been repeating to yourself for the last week?

i like to just pick the one thing at first, quantify it, and compliment it. that leads the way to add More Awesome Things i liked in the fic!!

3. The Cream: say WHY you liked it!!

now this is the part I struggle with most! because there’s so much to say! So I go as specific as I can:  Rather than comment on Everything in the fic, I say why I liked The Jam^ above. Pick the one thing, and go from there.

Maybe it fell completely in line with how you see Ferdinand’s character, and you loved seeing your interpretation corroborated in the author’s work? Maybe the mutual pining made it really entertaining? Maybe it shone new light on characters for you, and now you love them dearly? Maybe the humour was top notch and you laughed the most you have in a week, or maybe the angst was exactly what you needed to read that day?

Maybe the descriptions of the settings were so visceral? Maybe you loved the detail, it made it feel so real? Maybe you discovered a new format, or structure, and you loved how unique it was? Maybe you liked the references to classical works? Maybe you loved the humourous narrative voice? 

Was the yearning tangible? Did your heart skip a metaphorical beat? Did you shed a tear? Was it cathartic? Did it bring you joy? Did it brighten your day? Did you accidentally spend your evening reading the whole thing, and now suddenly it’s 3am and you didn’t mean to cry about fictional people, but here you are?? (a mood), those emotions it made you feel – that’s worth saying!

My approach to this part tends to end up being about ‘This made me Feel Emotions and i Loved that.’ and that’s fine! 

4. Cake Again: say thank you!! :)

‘Thank you for sharing your work’, ‘i’m so glad i got to read this today’, ‘this was so much fun to read, thank you!’, ‘thank you so so much op!!’, ‘brilliant way to spend my afternoon!’ ‘your work brightened my day!’ ‘this made me so happy to read! thank you!’

you can indeed add a note about future work! I tend to favour things like: ‘thank you for all the work so far, looking forward to seeing what happens next!’, “i’m so invested in this fic lmao, see you in the next chapter!’ or something else if the author doesn’t explicitly say ‘don’t ask me for updates’. I want to be extra-polite about it, and emphasis how much I liked the work that exists already!

But this doesn’t include con-crit, or have any space to give negative or constructive feedback! why? Now that’s a whole separate post. In brief, I don’t like to give con-crit when it isn’t explicitly asked for. there’s many posts out there debating this exact thing, and this isn’t a post about that. this is for building simple, basic compliments. You’ll also notice that it’s all positive feedback. That’s because I don’t comment on fic I don’t like.. that’s not exactly the energy I want to have in the world. use this victoria sponge metaphor for good, ya know?

You’ll notice this is incredibly basic, and something more akin to the essay paragraph structure my teachers spent 3 years battling to get me to write with. That’s both correct and intentional. This is the best balance I’ve been able to strike between coming off heartfelt and genuine, and short enough that I can write and send it in less than 120 seconds before my fear and lack of energy get the better of me. There’s nothing wrong with ‘I loved this, thank you!’, but sometimes I want to brave the fear of commenting and, overall, say thank you. That’s what it all comes down to because, as a writer, someone telling me how many emotions my work gave them is an indescribably wonderful feeling. and I want to share that joy! and also I really wanted to use a cake metaphor.

Finally, if you’re unfamiliar, the Long Live Feedback project on tumblr is an Excellent resource, and I encourage everyone to poke around and have a look at the wonderful work they do! also the blog ao3commentoftheday is an excellent blog who discusses comments, commenting convention, and all round fic writing!

Happy Commenting, enjoy the cake, and thanks for reading!

[de-tention]

April TC Challenge Day 19-30 (SORRY HAHA)

What colour do you associate your tc with?

For some reason, it’s a vibrant green! I just get that vibe from him for some reason, I do think that color is nice.

is your tc a good teacher?

Oh yeah, most definitely. Out of all of my math teachers, I never had a straight A in math until I signed up for this guy’s class. Before registering for any class, I check reviews just to make sure I’m not making a mistake and wowie! This guy had great reviews, and happened to fit into my schedule! So of course, I chose his class. And let me say, he explains everything so well, he takes into consideration what someone might find confusing before they can think of asking the question and goes through the problem like that! He’s a wonderful teacher.

Can you remember the last thing you said to your tc or that they said to you?

The last thing I remember him like verbally saying something to me was when we greeted each other in the hallway. With email though, it was some academic stuff from a week or two ago. He’s starting to more casual talk in his emails with me, which is really neat! I do hope we can talk in person again in a future semester.

How do you cope when you really miss your tc?

I play video games to distract myself, like a LOT of video games. When D/oom E/ternal came out I did not stop playing that game until I finished it. I really want games for my switch too but alas I am kind of broke :(

What animal does your tc remind you of?

I always thought a golden retriever, because his energy is just like that ha.

if actors had to play you and your tc in a movie, who would you cast as yourself and who would you cast as them? why?

I actually don’t have an answer to this jgfklhj

What’s your favourite outfit of theirs?

Two words: Black. Suit. He looks amazing in any suit he wears but honestly, the first time i saw him wearing black he looked so great in it! Also there’s a maroon button down shirt he wore before and it looks great. It’s really weird though, some days (before the quarantine stuff went down) our color palettes matched.

Do you stay in contact outside of school? if so, how? (email, text, letters etc.)

Ehh school email.

in your opinion, what’s the hardest thing about having a tc?

The fantasizing, idealization, and unrequited love in general. It’s literally one of the worst things to go through. Like looking at how I felt with my former TC’s from a couple years back, I realize that it really wasn’t going anywhere and would’ve been bad if it was. It was a roller coaster of emotions, all of that and for what? Having a TC is like knowing you’re walking down a path that leads to dead end, but then wanting to go through it all just to make sure it really is a dead end, you know? It’s the “what if it’s not a dead end” thought that keeps you going, and it just feels so horrible not being able to get over it because you need the closure. Idk why I’m letting myself walk down the same path again, but I’m really just vibing with it rn. For the most part I really just want to befriend him now, but some feelings are still there.

Do you flirt with your tc? do they flirt back?

HA, definitely a hard no to both. 

if you could ask your tc absolutely anything and get a completely honest response, what would you ask them?

I’d probably end up hurting my own feelings with any of the questions that come to mind, but I really want to know what he thinks of me, I want a completely honest read.

How do you think your tc would react if you told them your feelings?

Flattered, maybe bashful? But respectively he would keep his distance. As a professor, he does need to keep a strictly professional boundary up with his students and he’d probably remind me of that. He’d also probably tell me why it wouldn’t work between us.

[nochuuuenthusiast]

tag!

hii~ so i got tagged by @snugglemejeon thank you so much ! i think this is really cute hehe (to the people i tagged: i’m sorry if i tagged you and we haven’t talked that much... i don’t know that many people on tumblr... and also, you don’t have to do this challenge, so feel free to ignore it !) 

rules are: (1) tag the person who tagged you (2) answer the questions (3) tag 10 people (sorry i don’t know that many people here on tumblr so i’m only gonna tag one or two :( but ps! if you wanna be friends with me, don’t hold back and just talk to me hehe) 

(1) how tall are you? 

i haven’t checked in a bit but i’m about 5′2″ (ish) so that’s around 158cm (*sighs* yeah i know... i’m pretty short) 

(2) what color and style is your hair?

i actually got a haircut yesterday before my blackpink concert hehe so now my hair is layered and it goes a little past my shoulders. i didn’t start growing out my hair until late last year since i used to always cut it short (like, a little above my shoulders) so yeah... i used to dye my hair a longgg longggg time ago but now it’s its original color which is dark brown 

(3) what color are your eyes? 

a solid brown (not totally light, but not too dark) (my mom has really pretty light brown eyes but they didn’t get passed down to me so ahhaha *cries*) 

(4) do you wear glasses? 

yes, but no (?) i have glasses but i don’t wear them 24/7 since my eyesight isn’t that bad... i only wear them in class when i’m too far away from the board. i have kinda circular, brown glasses (lmao, i know no one asked but...) 

(5) do you wear braces?

i used to wear braces a couple of years ago so now i just wear my retainers once a week (you’re supposed to wear them every night but whatever,,, i’m pretty lazy and irresponsible and my teeth haven’t shifted sooo once a week will do ahah) 

(6) what’s your fashion sense? 

i care about how i dress but i don’t worry about how i look all the time soooo... i’ll sum up my style in a few words: 26 year old single korean girl walking to an aesthetic cafe on a sunday afternoon. yeah. that’s basically my style. lol i hope you guys understand what i mean... if not, i’m terribly sorry

(7) full name? 

only a few people on tumblr know my name... but i don’t want to reveal it here since i know everyone can see this, and tumblr is the only social media platform where my identity is hidden sooo... 

but if you want to get to know me and learn my name then you can definitely message me or send something to me :) i’m nice, i swear

(8) when were you born?

july 2001; i’m 17 ;) 

(9) where are you from and where do you live now? 

i was born and currently live in los angeles, california however, i am 100% korean. both of my parents were born and raised in south korea. and yes, i am fluent in korean. 

(10) what school do you go to? 

i am a highschooler. and that’s all i’m gonna say. skool sucks :P

(11) what kind of student are you?

i would like to say that i’m more of a hard worker than a naturally smart person, but i am currently getting straight As and for those of you who live in the us, i’m taking 5 APs (which totally sucks :’( but i’m handling them kinda well... i think). and i don’t really like being complimented because one of my biggest fears is of me becoming arrogant so let’s move on,,, pls. 

(12) do you like school?

hell no. but i have to deal with it since everyone does so :/// school isn’t that bad if you daydream and think about bts all day hehe. but in all seriousness, i think school is okay if you have the right friends to hang out with and talk to 

(13) favorite subject? 

history!!! i know this is really weird since not a lot of people like history, but i love ittt!!! i think it’s really fun since it’s kinda like one big story of our world (i’m sorry, i’m such a dork)... i took ap art history last year and i fell in love with it! 

(14) favorite tv shows? 

i used to watch kdramas a longgg time ago, but i kinda stopped but idk why... but my favorite tv shows are friends, the office, stranger things, jane the virgin, etc, etc... i can literally name so many tv shows that i’ve watched but then i’d go rambling on and on and on and i don’t want to bore anyone...

(15) favorite movie? 

forrest gump !!! (and also, did anyone see the two bts movies? i watched both of them at cgv and i literally exploded when i saw the members... okay, moving on (sorry... i get off topic really easily)) 

(16) favorite books? 

i read a book called “pachinko” by min jin lee over the summer and it was so! freaking! good!!! i highly recommend it everyone~ it’s a historical fiction novel about 3-4 generations of this korean family who lived in korea and then moved to japan. it takes place a little before the korean war and it talks about the discrimination that koreans faced in japan at the time. i recently went to the library to check it out since i wanted to read it again but they didn’t have an english copy of the book so i’m reading it in korean at the moment. 

(17) favorite pastime? 

rewatching and rewatching and rewatching bangtan. oh, and streaming their new album ;) oh, and stressing over the new test questions on the fan cafe that the staff upload every week (i need to level up but the test is so hard... i cry every time) 

and writing for this blog! i originally made this blog to de-stress and write some scenarios and reactions and i didn’t know that people would actually like them and respond to them,,, so hey, thank you :) you make me happy every day 

(18) do you have any regrets? 

yes. too many to count. but i’m not gonna sit here and list them all lol

(19) dream job?

i don’t really know... but something in corporate law (?)

(20) would you ever like to be married? 

yessss! have you seen my entire blog??? it’s an entire fluff kingdom!!! i mean, i know that marriage is not just one big fluff and i know that it’s tough, but i would still like to get married one day 

i have my own little fantasies about how married life would be, but that’s a little secret so i’ll save it for next time ;) 

(21) would you like to have kids? 

as much as i love kids, i’m not too sure if i would want any... i mean, obviously my answer will change in the future, but i kinda want either no kids or just one kid... the responsibility of being a parent kinda freaks me out...

(22) how many?

oops, i kinda answered this already in (21) but i’ll answer again anyway: 0-1 

(23) do you like shopping? 

no, i absolutely LOVE shopping. i think i’m addicted lmao. 

psssss: i know no one asked, but my favorite retail shop is madewell

(24) what countries have you visited? 

ahhh finally... the question i’ve been waiting for... so if you get to know me, i really really really reallyyyyy love traveling and i’m so grateful for all the opportunities i’ve been given to travel at such a young age. 

so, let me just list all the places i’ve been to (an i know not all of these are countries, or out of the us, but just hear me out,,, okay?) : france, italy, south korea, mexico, us (hawaii, nevada, utah, etc (lol, i can’t remember all of them)) 

my favorite location out of all of these places is definitely italy <3 (italy has my heart)... i stayed at rome and i also visited pompeii and positano (which were absolutely stunning and beautiful). i went to rome last spring (around april/may) and i personally, really love sightseeing and history and since rome is full of those two things i reallyyy enjoyed it there. oh, and don’t even get me started with the food <3333 

i also really loved france... i stayed at paris and my favorite thing about paris was definitely the louvre museum (once again, i love art history) as well as this place called montmarte (ahh! it’s so pretty) 

and last but not least, (as much as i love love loveee south korea) i really enjoyed mexico! i love calming, relaxing vacation spots so i got to go to cancun (twice!) and snorkel and swim and see little fishies in the clear turquoise ocean... yeah, i miss it there... :( 

(25) scariest nightmare you have ever had

i would totally tell you guys, but it was too complicated so i’m not even gonna bother. 

(26) any enemies? 

i am a lover, not a fighter (hehe)

(27) any significant other?

does jungkook count? lmaooo it’s a joke... he doesn’t even know i exist lol. 

my answer is no. 

(28) do you get along with you family?

yes, yes i do.

(29) do you believe in miracles?

i believe things happen for a reason... so does that count? 

last but not least... (30) how are you?

i’m actually doing pretty well :))) i was in this really big emotional slump that kinda felt like a roller coaster ride last year, but i’m over it now so... yeah... i doing pretty well :) 

okay, so now that i’m done, i have to tag people, and like i said, i don’t talk to that many people on tumblr since i’m a loser lol so here are the people i’ll tag (sorry, i’m not gonna tag 10 people) : 

@pjmochii @jsuga @kpopsffct @ anyone who wants to do it... 

but yea, i seriously don’t know that many people since i haven’t been on tumblr for a long time, so i’m sorry to the people who i tagged (if i haven’t talked to you a lot, i’m sorry... i’ll try to be a better person and try to talk to you more ...) 

[scarlet-killer]

Frustration

I can’t even begin to explain how I feel, I’m angry and sad and don’t know what to do. I denied these feelings for so long, I managed to convince myself they weren’t real. Now you’re gone. It kills me to know that. I woke up thinking I’d see you, only to realize you’re thousands of miles away. How stupid of me, to think you were still here, to think you would change your mind and stay. I knew you were leaving, but I wasn’t ready for it; you left much sooner than planned. My heart frozen in place not knowing what to feel. You talk to me like it’s all okay, like nothing has changed; if only you knew… How badly I wanted to tell you how I felt but I stayed quiet because I knew you didn’t feel the same. All those stories you told me, I’d sit there and listen pretending it was nothing while on the inside I was cracking. I listened to story after story hearing all their names, all the things you would say about them; “She’s so cute”, “Oh I fucked her”, “I want to fuck her” all those words were just daggers to me; yet I listened to make you happy. I knew what I was getting myself into, I knew how much it would hurt and yet I still did it. All those moments of sadness went away when you would hold me. Even though you say you hate people and get bored of them, you told me you enjoyed my company and liked talking to me. You told me you wanted to lose contact with everyone, that we would stop talking; you have no idea how much that killed me. Two days later you came over and told me that you wanted to continue talking to me, you gave me no reason as to why, nor did I ask for one. You have no idea how happy that made me, I might have not shown it on the outside but on the inside I was like a child jumping of happiness. That day I didn’t want you to leave, I wanted you to stay there on my bed with me holding me. The moment you asked to kiss me I said no not because I didn’t want to kiss you but because I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore; you ignored what I said and kissed me anyway, I’m happy you did. Within that moment, I swear time had stopped, my mind went blank and I couldn’t think of anything. The way you poked fun of my small lips when you have huge lips made me smile, I loved all those moments that you would pick on me to make me laugh; “Your hands are so small”, “You have such small feet”, “You’re a child”, all those comments would make me giggle. I swear each time you called me “cute” I would remember it every night before bed and I would fall asleep with a smile on my face. Everyone told me you were an asshole, that you used people, hell you yourself told me the same things, yet you were always nice to me, never hurt me, I never felt used by you. For someone who says they don’t care you were sweet to me and gave me comfort when I needed it. It kills me inside knowing that I’ll never be able to invite you over again and have you hold me or just see you. I would wake up early each morning to get to school earlier to be able to see you, we didn’t talk or hang out, you were always with your friends but I didn’t care, I didn’t need to talk to you, just see you and say good morning. From the day I first messaged you we never stopped texting, you were the first person I would message in the morning and the last person I talked to before sleeping. You have no idea how happy I would be to talk to you. You always told me I didn’t bother you yet I still felt like I did, I felt like I texted you too much, that it would annoy you; no matter how many times I asked if I was being a bother you always told me the same thing “You don’t bother me”. The first time I asked you to come to my house I was nervous, I wasn’t sure that you would want to. I was in disbelief when you agreed to going over I didn’t know what to think, I was nervous the whole day thinking you would tell me you had changed your mind; thankfully you didn’t. When we got to my house you just laid on my bed and waited for me to lay down before you pulled me on top of you, you wouldn’t let me go the whole time we were there. That’s the day I realized that I had feelings for you, the day I fucked myself over. When you told me you wanted to kiss me that day I just ignored you until you yourself grabbed my face and planted your lips on mine. Within that moment, I was in shocked, I didn’t think that you would kiss me. My lips were so small compared to yours; your lips were full in size, and felt like soft marshmallows. I remember we were both out of saliva because we kept licking each other, you kept doing it thinking it annoyed me but it honestly never did, I just pretended it did to make it fun. You seemed to always make things move quickly, we would go from cuddling to you having me on top and kissing me or spanking me. I won’t forget the day you spanked me so many times that you left a bruise, “I thought you said you like bruises” was the only thing you kept saying to me; you weren’t wrong I do love to be bruised. One of my favorite moments with you was when you were about to leave and I got in your way accidently so you just pushed me onto the bed and started making out with me. I honestly misjudged how strong you really were, I could never seem to get out of your grip when you held my wrist; I melted inside each time you would take charge and pin me down, I would start doing things I knew you would pin me down for just to have you do it. I never did understand why you decided to spend time with me, nor did I understand why you talked to me to begin with, every time I would ask you all you would say is “Idk” which wasn’t much help. You have no idea how happy I’ve been since we started talking, you’re the one person I always look forward to talking to. I can’t stand the fact that at times you like to tease me by not talking to me, it irritates me. You really do know how to get under my skin; you ignored me for three days because of the stupidest thing. There’s a reason I apologize constantly, it’s the way I am, I never thought it would bother you to the point that you would ignore me for such a long time. You say you ignore me for your own entertainment because it amuses you how much I’ll text you and worry, I feel like a dumbass for believing I actually had upset you; I still can’t even call you an asshole which I can’t understand why. I know that to you I’m just a toy to use from time to time, I’m waiting for the day you get bored and throw me away. Talking to you is honestly an emotional roller-coaster, I go from loving you to hating you within seconds. I let you use me and do as you please with me without trying to stop it, it’s stupid of me to do but for some reason I don’t mind it; I guess I’m just used to being used by different people. I try to lie to myself and tell myself that you don’t use me, that I’m not just another toy to you, it gets harder to believe each time. The fact that you don’t care even the smallest bit about the way I feel kills me on the inside; yet here I am, still talking to you. I guess I really am a masochist, staying even though it hurts, always going back for more. Within three days you managed to make me feel like absolute shit, yet the moment you messaged me I replied in a heartbeat ecstatic to talk to you. Those feelings I had three days ago all gone within moments. Funny how one simple message made me fall head over heels for you again. Every time you talk to me I end up falling for you more and more. Lately I’ve been thinking of just blocking you, avoiding talking to you so that all these feelings can go away. You told me you might have to come back to Miami and my heart stopped for a second, I was filled with joy for a quick second. I’m happy that you might be coming back and that I might be able to see you, but at the same time I’m sad. Having you come back means having me listen to all the stories you would tell me. The stories you tell me truly do hurt me, I’m just good at pretending that I don’t care. Every time we talk you always bring “her” up, there’s not a single conversation that we have where you don’t talk about her. I really don’t mind listening to you talk about her but you do it all the time, it’s impossible to talk to you about anything else. I can just imagine you coming back, you’ll spend all your time with her and then call me and tell me all the things you did; I’ll just sit there and listen and add a comment here and there. Hopefully all works out in your new school and you don’t have to come back, as much as I would like to see you again I rather settle for skype. You really are a confusing person. One second you tell me you never want to come back and never want to see any of us again and ten minutes later you’re changing the way you feel. Sometimes I wish I was smarter, then I would have never gotten myself into the situation I’m in now; I wouldn’t be head over heels over someone who barely even cares about me. I still sit here and wonder why, why did I message you, why did you answer back. It never will make sense to me. I’m frustrated at the fact that you’re so far away and that I can’t see you, I’m frustrated that you might be coming back, maybe I was just better off never talking to you to begin with. No matter how many times I repeat these things to myself I always end up glad to talk to you. I still can’t forget the fact that you would climb upstairs just to give me a hug when I was feeling bad, that meant the world to me. We spent weeks talking and skyping each other while you were still away, we never stopped talking. The days when you would get upset at me you would ignore me for a couple minutes before you would message me again saying you missed me. Fast forward a couple months and you end up showing up to my house on Halloween. Nothing in this world could compare to the excitement I felt when I saw you. I was dying to just run up to you and tackle you to the floor but held back since my friends were behind me. The fact that you spent Halloween with me instead of spending it with “her” meant so much to me. You assured me many times that I was yours and you were mine, I was foolish to believe that. When you said we were officially dating I got so happy. I would skip school to go to your house and spend time with you, all we would do was sleep and listen to music. You have such a great taste in music. I would cling on to you in bed and wouldn’t let you leave my side, you’d laugh when I did that. Every time I went over you would always make things sexual, I remember the first time you asked me to well “get on my knees” I got as red as a tomato; it took me a while before I could do anything. I remember you saying “I broke my little pervert”. You gave me a list of rules to follow which I would accidentally constantly brake. Each time I broke a rule you would punish me by ignoring me for a day and would just add more days as time went on; you have no idea how much I fucking hated that; all I wanted to do was talk to you. You never seemed to get bothered by how clingy I was, I never wanted to let go of you and would message you seconds after leaving your house. I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could, I even got a stupid video game to play with you. We played for hours and you even tried to “teach” me. I have trust issues because of that one game, you used me to get a buff and then killed me. You were a dick. The day that I thought you had broken up with me I felt like complete shit. I cried the night and went to school a mess. Silly of me to misunderstand the situation. When you told me you were going to go away for three days I felt hesitant, I wouldn’t be able to talk to you those days. I couldn’t get you out of my head for those three days, I spammed you with messages. To be honest I felt something was off and just didn’t feel right for those days. You managed to message me when you were coming back, my heart stopped when I saw the message you had sent me; I instantly knew what was to come. I felt empty inside that day, I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, I sat outside by the lake and just watched the horizon. I think I might have gotten too attached since I cried for a long while. I was thinking of cancelling going out with friends just because I didn’t want to see you; I couldn’t see you. For two days I debated telling you that I couldn’t be your friend, that it hurt me more than it did me good. I stayed quiet and just stayed your friend. When we went ice skating I felt like I was intruding. I felt as if I shouldn’t have gone; you were constantly with your best friend and my own friends were too busy with each other. I felt like I was fifth wheeling and just didn’t have a good time. I didn’t complain and just stayed quiet because I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s fun. That wasn’t the only day that I felt shitty. The day that we all hung out I had to take a breather, I spent the night with you and friends and had to stop to take a walk by myself. I managed to distract myself and think while walking around the block and called a friend to distract myself. Seeing you be clingy with your best friend made me somewhat jealous, it also hurt a bit. When I got home that night I just sat on my bed and thought to myself, at least we’re friends and talk to each other, it could have been worse we could have just stopped talking. To be honest I still wonder how you wake up one day and just feel nothing for a person, maybe I just got attached too easy. Silly me. I remember the first time you told me you wanted to go into the Marines, I was everything but glad. I can’t imagine you putting your life at risk in such a way. I thought you had given up on it since you stopped talking about it; but then you started again. When you told me you enlisted and that you leave in a couple of months my heart dropped a bit. To think that you’ll be gone for months without any way of contact is hard to grasp. Even as a friend all I ever want to do is talk to you. I get worried thinking the worst that can happen to you when you leave. I don’t know where I was going with this. I don’t even know where to end it. This was such a roller-coaster, I’m not even sure if I should show you. I’ve been debating it back and forth, it makes no difference to me if you see this or not; but most people say I should show you. I’m sorry that I made it so long, I didn’t know where to stop; once I started writing I simply couldn’t stop.

Don’t mind the mistakes, never felt like going back to edit. I like the errors. My thoughts are everywhere.

[daddyotho]

This is from Steven's note to me at the one year point. I'm going to include it so it's not lost.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my mother’s death. These are some of the thoughts that have been running through my head this past year. I tried to make them flow together as well as I could, but I quickly gave up. This is an extremely long post, and I'm sure my thoughts jumped around quite a bit, probably to the point where some sections don't make sense, but if you want / can, bear with me and read it all.

This past year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. There are so many things that I wish I could tell my mom, but have to just accept that she already knows. While it's comforting to know that she knows what's been going on in my life, it doesn't make me feel better. I just want to call her, hear her voice, and let her know what's been going on up at UNI. I can’t remember if I told her, but I applied for a job working at Skechers last summer as a manager. I got the job and have loved nearly every moment working there. This summer, I’ve applied for, and have an interview lined up, for a job developing website for UNI. I know she’d be so proud of me, everyone tells me this, but I just want to tell her and hear her voice again.

I spent some time reading through my dad’s posts today. He mentioned that she had aged another 30 years in just a few days, and looking at the pictures that were taken, I have to agree. She aged quite a bit in just a few days, to the point that I mistook one of the pictures to be my Great Grandma Emily. I remember her looking herself, but tired. No... She looks like she's been fighting a losing battle for the past 5 months.

No one will ever know how much I loved my mom. She was my best friend. I could call her at 2 AM any day of the week, and after being asked if I got my homework done, I could talk to her for hours, and she didn't mind. She had restless leg syndrome, which kept her awake most nights. Then she got diagnosed with cancer, and due to a vast number of things happening to her body, she had an even harder time getting to sleep. Whether it be her chemo port bugging her, her RLS acting up again, her body itching because of a reaction she was having due to the chemo, figuring out how she was going to make this easier on her kids, or so much more. I often would call her 5 times a day just to talk, and she didn't mind.

I often called her when I was walking to my first class of the day. I always said the same greeting "Goooooood morning beautiful!" I don't know what sparked me saying this, but after I went to college I always greeted her this way. There was a brief period when I stopped, coincidentally it was right before she got diagnosed with cancer. Keep in mind, she wasn't telling me that she had cancer at this point. She wanted me to hear it from her first, in person. So I still didn't know yet. Anyways, a few days after I stopped greeting her in the usual way and a few days after she got diagnosed, my dad texted me and said her face brightens up drastically whenever I greet her with “Goooooood morning beautiful!". So I immediately called her and said the usual. I didn't know at the time, but my dad was doing everything he could to see her face brighten up and to see her happy again. When she was in hospice, she wasn’t herself. She was almost always out of it, and didn’t know exactly what was going on. There were some things that would bring her back. One of those things was me telling her “Goooooood morning beautiful!” Her face lit up and she said good morning to me as well.

When we moved her into hospice, the amazing nurses there gave us a tour of the building. It’s a beautiful place, and the staff were so nice and helpful. In the main living room area there was an electric piano. I asked the staff if we could move my mom out to the living room area so I could play piano for her. They said absolutely. A little while later, Emily, my Aunt, and I went home so we could grab some things because we were going to be spending every minute there. By the time we got back, the staff had moved the piano from the living room area to my mom’s room. I played the piano the day before she died and she loved it. Like I said, she was out of it for the most part, but she came back when I started to play the piano. It sounded terrible, as I was crying nearly the entire time I was playing, but she absolutely loved it.

On that topic... she hid the fact that she had cancer from nearly everyone for about 1.5 - 2 weeks because she didn't want me to find out from anyone else but her, and she wanted to tell me in person. She was very careful with what she told me, so as not to set my mind ablaze with thoughts that something might seriously be wrong with her. After she got admitted to the hospital, she accidentally told me the doctors found some spots in her lunges. I told her to let me know what they were as soon as the doctors told her. I knew in the back of my head that it was cancer, but I refused to accept it. A couple days later she got released from the hospital and was sent home with oxygen. She told me this, and I asked her what the spots were in her lunges. She said they were fungi from an infection she got, and that's what the oxygen was for. The oxygen was going to clear up the infection in her lunges. Now, I'm not bragging or anything, but I'm a fairly intelligent person. I have a basic understanding of how medicine, viruses, bacteria, and some medical procedures work. So I, now at least, know how ludicrous that is. However, my mom never lied to me (and it has been proven time and time again) so I didn't question it. Why should I? She said that's what the doctors told her, so I took it at face value and accepted it. That first weekend after she got admitted to the hospital, she asked me if I was coming home. I said no, because I had Rite of Passage for my fraternity, Sigma Phi Epsilon. I couldn't miss rite of passage, it's a huge no-no. But, because it's my mom, I said I wasn't a big deal if I missed it (I figured I could explain to our Chaplain later, hoping our Standards Board and Executive Board would understand). I said I could come down, she said no! It wasn't a big deal, just was curious if I was coming down. So I stayed up at UNI that weekend and went through with rite of passage for SigEp. It was a great weekend, and I don't regret staying up at UNI that weekend. So the next weekend came, and I'm fairly sure it was the weekend before spring break. I went down to Des Moines and got to see my mom and family again. We talked about how she was feeling, wondering if the oxygen was helping at all in clearing up the infection (Still wasn't really thinking how ludicrous that was). Little did I know, Emily and her were texting while I was talking to her. Emily kept bugging her about when she was going to tell me. Her plan was to wait until the next day so we could just have a regular night before my entire world came crashing down around me. Mom finally caved in and told me. I kind of chucked and said "You're kidding right". She said "Oh honey... I would never joke about this". I glanced at Emily and she ran out of the room (Later, she said it's because I gave her the look that said "Get out"?? IDK Honestly) After Emily left, that's when it sunk in and I realized the full extent of what was going to happen in the next few years. I cried harder than I ever have before, I screamed and I yelled loud enough to hear it outside of the house. Finally I just collapsed into a ball, laying on my mom while she hugged me.

That's a small portion of what's been going through my head this past year or so. Again, sorry that it is not very well written and thought out.

[thoughtsicantshare]

5/15/18

Hey guys!

My life has been an emotional roller coaster recently-- and that’s an understatement.

I have been stressed to the max with school, work, and family. 

Work: I love the majority of my coworkers, but there are some that really just destroy my patience. They either come at LEAST and hour late to EVERY shift or just DON’T show up at all. It’s absolutely insane. How are people so irresponsible? They complain about not having enough money or not being able to affor this but they do it to themselves.  And then my manager does nothing about it. Don’t get me wrong, I habsolutely love my manger. He’s kind, funny, caring and very accommodationg. He constantly goes out of his way to make work a fun and safe environment. BUT, he really needs to start putting his foot down bc it’s now negatively affecting everyone. It hurts the guests who now either can’t be seen by their favorite person or have to see someone else last minute; the other people who have to pick up the girl’s slack so they’re extra busy; the center’s reputation; and the recptionists (my position) because we have to make all the calls/move all the appointments, deal with the rushes, and deal with the nasty guests.  I’m not one who preaches “oh, that’s not fair” bc I don’t belief the world is always fair, but this is fucking ridiculous. I get nervous to were the wrong hoes with my uniform (no one even sees my dumb ass shoes) and these girls just don’t show up to work at all and aren’t repremanded. 

School: This semester kicked my ass-- I think I mentioned that already. I ended up with 5 As and 1 A-. I’m not gunna lie, I’m really mad about that A-, but I don’t have the energy to fight it.  I’m taking 6 classes again next semester. WHY???? Idk.  This summer I’m an OL (orientation leader), so I get to be that annoying person leading the freshman around during their orientation in the summer. I’m SO EXCITED for it. I really, really, really, love school and especially I love my school. I hope I can pass on this love or at least help the freshies like the school.

Family: I don’t think I’ve mentioned what’s been going on with my family on here. Really, only a few people in my real life know what’s going on. I have my reasons for that, one being that it’s a loaded issue and I don’t think my friends can really understand or help me, so I’ve just kept quiet and two, it’s not really my story to tell, so I feel like I’m overstepping.  Honeslty, though I really don’t know how to deal with it and I just feel so alone and scared.

In short, my mom was diagnosed with majro depressive disorder. She was officially diagnosed around this past December, but she’s been dealing with it for about 2 years.  However, she was raised in a time where mental health, depression and therapy was really looked down upon. She’s kinda fallen victim to the stigma against mental health, so she’s just not dealing with it.  She’s been hospitalized two or three times now. She’ll take the medicine for like a month or two after she gets out of the hospital and then stops and the cycle repeats. 

I’m at the point where I just don’t know what to do anymore. She refused to admit she’s depressed. She keeps extended her leaves from work. She just sits in the house all day doing nothing. Every once in a while she’ll do a little cleaning, but that’s it. 

I don’t know how to help and I just feel like I make things worse.  I haven’t been able to really deal with it or cope. I’m constnalty scared for her-- what is she doign all day, is she ok, did she eat, will she be there when I get home? 

I’m not mad at her, but bc I don’t know how to voice my feelings, it usually comes off like I am. I’ve tried the nice way, the psych student way, the lay person way, the mean way, the scared way to explain what she’s going through and express how I feel but nothing is working. 

I honelty feel trapped. I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m home but when I’m not, I worry even more.  I just don’t know what to do, how to feel, how to help her or myself. 

I’ve always thought that I was storng, but this is really taking a toll on me and I don’t know what to do. 

So, yeah. I’m mad stressed. 

Boys:  I’m still in love with the same kid. As far as I know, he’s not in love with me.  I think one of the worst things about being secretly in loe with your best friend is that you can’t talk about it with that person.  That sentence makes sense in my head, but idk if it translates in writing lol. 

I think the biggest issue here is that he plays wayyyyyy too much.  One minute he likes me so much, the next he’s talking to a girl, then it’s back to I just wanna be with you and then all of a sudden he has a gf. THEN he breaks up with her “for me”-- yes, he’s told me that twice now???

But he never acts on it. It’s all talk. Like literally the other night we were on the phone and he hits me with “I kinda really like this girl” ??????????????????????????????? Turns out, he’s kinda been talking to one of his coworkers from one of his old jobs.  But then he has the AUDACITY to tell me that I’m his soulmate. In the same 30 min span of time. WHAT THE FUCK??? How can he tell me he likes another girl but simultaneusly tell me that we’re soulmates. PLS lmk.

The way I see it, I have two options. 1. Tell him how I really feel     --- BUT this can’t work bc he’s catching feelings for this other girl so it’s gunna be a fucking dub 2. Distance myself from him and see i the’ll help me get over him     --- BUT feelings or not, the kid is my best friend. We were friends first. The feelings, MY feelings, came later. I really, really don’t wannt lose him as a friend. 

I’m just so confused because I can’t figure him out.  Is he really just talk? Does he actually like me, but think I don’t like him? If he’s preping me for “us” one day bc he thinks that things just won’t work out between us now?  Is he just a total player who loves the attention? Does he really just see me as only his close friend?

I want answers. I need answers.  I can’t get answers.  Friends: This is probably the only part of mu life going decent.  I’ve reconnected w lots of my old friends and I’m very happy about it.  I went to my friends’ school the other weekend to hang out and go out. I saw 4 of my old friends and it was SO nice to reconnect.  We went to this grimy bar, but ended up0 having so much fun bc it was us.  I talk literally all day with my old friend Winston. She’s a mess, but I love her so much. She’s one of the most genuine and loyal people. She’s such a good friend, man. I’m very thankful to have someone like her and to have her so close to me.  I miss my best friend Lisa. Lisa is the one I’ve known since I was in diapers. We go to school and hour apart and we’re both so busy that we barely get to talk ): Thankfully, this semster is over, so she comes home in a couple of days. We can go back to fun hikes, museum adventures, lazy days watching every episonde possible of Catfish, and beach days.  Since we literally get to talk I only like twice a week, there’s so much I feel like she doesn’t know about my life. I hate that. 

All in all, I just want this summer to be fun. I want to meet new people and do new things.  I want to meet a guy, fall fo rhim and have him actually fall for me.  I want to go out dancing and have a few drinks.

I feel like my life has been really heavy recently with everything going on with school, work and especially my family.  I want to finally live my life as a (semi) carefree 20-ear-old who goes out, has fun, and can just be happy.

[kpopgerapitico]

Song of the Week

I’m procrastinating what I should actually be doing by writing this. So, nothing new here.

This is a long one because I had time, so I went for it! And there are a LOT of ballads that I actually talked about for once.

Honorable Mentions:

Distorted is as accurate name musically for Kim Ye Na’s new song. The vocals are ballad-y, soft and ever so slightly strange in their melodic choices. The background is decidedly not a ballad though, with piano mixed into electronic mixing of too many different sounds to count. The only change I would make is a little bit more of a comprehensible structure, because the song gets to the end in one big build that doesn’t seem to ever really hit the peak it means to.

Martin Smith does an decent job on the ballad for this week, and the MV has a cutish plot, but I’m too salty over the lack of cool guitar solos. You have Jung Sungha, and you waste him like this.

I’m not sure if it’s the atmospheric cello, or the vocals that are so breathy as to almost not be there, but NUZ’s You is surprisingly compelling to me, at least in the first half. When the vocals drop out a bit, I lost interest.

I stuck with Jung Seung Hwan’s It’s Raining because I trust him to have great vocals, and also because of the video. Because this is the gold standard for me for ballad videos with just the artist. If you aren’t going to have a plot, you better have some perfect composition. And this single shot is perfectly composed It is lit beautifully, it, almost assuredly was cheap, and it highlights the artist. Oh, and the vocals are great, and the background music didn’t annoy me too much, so it was all around a win. (I could write a whole thing about the use of only like 5 distinct frames in this video and how it affects the mood, but I will stick with just what I already said).

Heechul and Min Kyunghoon always have great MVs when they work together. The MV for Falling Blossoms is no different. I like that while they did you the idiot trope they didn’t lean into it in a way that felt disrespectful. It didn’t feel like a caricature, but a bit more like a real person. And of course the vocals sound good, since Heechul holds up to Kyunghoon’s vocals (I think he might actually be the more skilled vocalist). Also, I don’t know why they have the English title as Falling Blossoms, when the title actually translates to Aftereffect. Since I don’t know the lyrics, Idk which is a better title (I’m partial to Aftereffect).

I LOVE a Gray beat. And the beat in Hash Swan’s Wang like Alexander is no different. The chorus is fun, and I’m impressed by Hash Swan’s rapping, which has never really grabbed e in the past (I think because it is pretty high in tone). Also, the title in a play on words and I love it very much.

What can I say, Notorious hits all the beats it needs to to pull off the kind of song it is. And I’ve heard it before, but I am still absolutely all about it. It belongs on a pump up playlist before the big game. And the rock solo was great, especially with the mix adding and taking away EDM elements. It is my first Station song this year that I’ve liked, and a reminder that I like SM’s continued exploration of music.

I figured out what I didn’t like about Weki Meki’s Lalala in the first chorus. The verse is for the most part good. And almost all of the musical elements are stuff I like. Then I realized that the sirens I was hearing weren’t from the hospital outside of my apartment, but were in the song. They cause this building tension that is never able to reach a resolution, because the siren doesn’t ever really stop. And it is so quiet, that you don’t notice it consciously at first, you just feel the roller coaster from it. It makes the first half of the song un-listenable for me now. The second half is good though.

If I ignore some of the fashion in BoA’s One Shot Two Shot (I’m picky, and I’m not a fan of what is on trend right now), I regret going all in on Nega Dola. Because this song is what I was dreaming for from BoA. It is sung beautiful, and the dance is a master class in idol soloist skills. She does not stop moving the whole time, and is stunning throughout. And I am incredibly confused by the end of the video. Just watch it. I can’t decide how to react.

The entire verse of NCT U’s Boss makes me feel like I’m watching what EXO would have been if they debuted just a little bit later: lot’s of bass, harmonies and vocal runs everywhere, and skilled rapping (one of the places where EXO has always struggled). The chorus though is much more NCT in flavor. I like both parts separately. I’m not sure I like then together, but I will give this song a chance to change my mind.

While I’m a fan of I.M’s Fly With Me (how could I not like that bass line), I think he is missing a little bit of contrast. I wish he changed up the pace between the rapping and the vocals. Instead, both are slow, and with a backing track that never really changes either, there isn’t a whole lot of room for interesting things to happen. For example, Who Am I featuring Yeseo does a better job of having contrast, so I know he can do it.

Wheesung’s part in Andenayon is my favorite thing to happen this week. Just . . . please . . . go listen to like the first minute of this song for Wheesung being so so so extra. He’s in later parts too, but that first minute . . . I mean, you can watch the rest too, since there are a bunch of cameos, but I would say Wheesung’s is the best (he ever has a bts thing, which involves him lip syncing and everyone else dying of laughter).

I know intellectually that Yoseob is an idol and so can dance and stuff, but his solo stuff has been a majority ballads, so I wasn’t expected pretty much any of Where I am Gone. Everything in front of the red/pink back lit set is my favorite thing from the video. Oh, and the vocals are great, and the song itself is decent too.

I’m a sucker for contemporary dance, so I love video for Vromance’s Star. It is shot well, with some really fun color filters, and a great use of it’s set. And the song is good in a sort of simple, sort of sexy way. I just wish that it had more of the harmonies I have come to love and expect from Vromance (the live has a little more obvious harmony, thankfully). To be fair though, I’m just excited that they are back, since it has been a year since their last comeback.

Sometimes, I know within the first couple bars of a song that it is going to win the week. That was absolutely what happened this week with CLC’s Black Dress. It is fun and fresh. It is pretty much everything I want from CLC as a group, who has now cemented themselves in my head as 4Minute’s spiritual successor. And they are killing that specific blend of bad-assery and insanely impressive dancing and vocals. They did not have competition this week that was even close.