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commander-gloryforge · 4 days ago

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rambles over some original characters and my writing that i'm putting here because nobody that follows me here reads my original stuff so i dont set false expectations and i also dont wanna spoil my friends on discord. i just need to gush a little because i really like where the thing im writing rn is heading

HONESTLY. if we ignore the fact that my writing style has really taken a hit lately, i think story wise im doing so well with my new project. the characters are still a bit tricky to properly pin down, but its going into directions i really enjoy, and its kind of doing that on its own? there are a lot of themes that just fall into place almost on accident, reminds me a lot of A Certain Sentence that accidentally shook the whole fandom when i was writing fanfics still.

im loving whatever happened with "less pressure" and how its coming from dev out of all people, the guy with the most pressure in the world ever, and i love how quinn started applying it as a general philosophy to kind of calm down and focus on something, change something actively.

i feel like quinn and devs dynamic feels pretty good in general already? i still struggle with the whole "enemies to lovers" thing without making it feel too annoying and "a single conversation could solve this all", but i honestly dont think a single conversation could solve anything, because they don't know eachother enough to actually understand the others view point. it makes sense for them to hold grudges that are super vague and kind of really stupid but theyre fuelled by genuine fears and even if they sat down and talked it through it wouldnt help much for now, so i think its realistic enough

AAAH im just liking. The Themes. sometimes i worry im a bit too heavy handed with certain things and some stuff, especially the more emotional scenes, feel like theyre too abrupt and out of place but like. the sentiment is good i think. idk i think the frame of this story and its progression is pretty decent, my technical writing skills just arent great but thats fine i think.

i love my characters and honestly they just feel really good to write. working with quinn is hard because he tends to get more emotional than hes supposed to be and hes seriously so much more of an asshole as i had planned him to be but he's so much fun. and dev is so interesting to explore and get to know as i write him. i love him so much and i keep swooning for him likE!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM!

dev is so fun because theres just pressure coming from all sides, theres so much jealousy, its so hard for him to keep his shit together. he hates this school but feels like i cannot possible disrespect it and what it means to attend, he acts like attending is such a special privilege he has, something hes worked towards, when really it doesnt matter, his work doesnt matter, his passion and talent DO NOT MATTER because he wouldve gotten in even without a scholarship.

dev treats the things/people he hates like a religion, his father, the school, even nicolas to some extent... i love how he is turning out to be. i love how much he is hurting for quinn and how much he hates that.

all these little things and details that have fallen into place during the writing process feel so nice. dev being the "golden boy" instead of felix being a thing that makes so much sense in every way. dev being a scholarship student and nobody knows. the whole thing about dev teaching quinn handwriting because dev was literally forced to perfect his writing with his right hand, while his left hand is more comfortable yet more messy. the LESS PRESSURE THING. writing becoming such a prevelent theme in general. the whole nickname thing.

its going pretty well id say.. eheheheh. im still hesitant to get into some chapters because id like to get some feedback and reactions from my readers first, ESPECIALLY how they react to nicolas/oakwells finest. chapter six is coming in a WEEK which annoys me a bit but once thats out i hope u can get a bit of an impression of what ppl think about all the important characters.

man. the writing process of this story has been so much fun tbh. and very healing in a way.

im still not a good writer but at least im having a good time

#dios wisdom

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murdertoothpick · 4 years ago

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wait for it - 332 follower celebration

Captain Rex x fem!Reader x ARC Trooper Jesse; some random moments | w/c: 1536

Warnings: uh a lil umbara stuff but its fluffy, sexual allusions and innuendos but very brief, also sharing a bath but not in the...dirty sense. FLUFF basically.

A/N: YALL THANK YOU FOR 332 FOLLOWERS? AND BEFORE IVE EVEN BEEN ON HERE FOR A MONTH?? WOW. (it's currently 1am here) ,,, this is pretty messy though and its not really a story ya feel me, just some 'scenes' im stringing together into one post (lets also pretend you have a really big bath tub) ,,, some things that inspired this: 'wait for it'/hamilton, lyrics from 'take a break'/hamilton, this post i made, a lyric from 'our love is god'/heathers, my love for underrated jesse, uh rex and jesse in tbb arc <3 idk i love those mf's

(omg and this gif is sending me into orbit im in love with all of them)

You're on patrol with Rex when you hear three sets of approaching footsteps. Your gaze follows his as he turns to address the troopers.

'Fives, what are you doing out here?' the captain interrogates them, though you sense he already knows the answer, 'You should be in the barracks.'

'I found my pilots,' the arc trooper responds, and you recognise Jesse and Hardcase behind him, 'We're going after that supply ship.'

Rex pulls Fives over, 'Are you out of your mind?', he begins to reprimand him, but your attention is drawn away by the other ARC trooper.

Jesse looks to you, nodding as a show of formality, 'General.'

You dismiss his address, 'You sure about this, trooper?' you ask instead, your stoic, battle-hardened facade concealing the uneasiness in your voice. It's something you've been focused on since landing on Umbara.

'We have to try,' he responds, and you admire his commitment to the Republic and his brothers, you can't blame him, but you need the reassurance that he knows what he's getting into.

Rex speaks up over your conversation, 'I can't help you when you get caught,' he tells Fives with conviction.

The ARC trooper nods in understanding, turning away and prompting Hardcase and Jesse to follow. You and Rex share a look of fearful apprehension, your anxiety threatening to bubble up again.

'Troopers!' you yell, catching their attention. You quickly close the distance they had walked, looking to all of them, 'Come back in one piece, okay?'

They give you firm nods, and you can hear the smiles in their voices as they shout their 'Yes Sir's.

Your eyes look to Jesse, searching for his behind the visor. He doesn't flinch when your hands move up to the sides of his helmet. 'Good luck out there,' you plant a firm kiss on his helmet, above the breath filters.

You can't see the way his cheeks flush underneath the helmet, but his speechlessness confirms you've given him enough incentive to return safely.

'We'll be waiting for you,' Rex agrees. There's a silent conversation between the two before the men continue on their way, you don't catch what they've communicated.

Jesse understands the sentiment, that while his brothers and the Republic will be here when he returns, it'll be Captain Rex and you specifically, waiting for him. It's all the incentive he needs.

When Fives gives him a punch on the shoulder, he tries to hide his fluster, and Hardcase follows up with a taunt, wiggling his brows, 'The general aye?'

Jesse lets out a light laugh, 'Yeah, she can be a lot to handle.'

Thankfully, Rex is there to help.

'Jesse?'

'Hmm.'

'Why does Rex work so late?'

He looks up from his datapad to formulate a response. He has one arm around you, and you've been resting against him in the abundance of quiet in your quarters.

'General Skywalker has...other matters to attend to,' he answers slowly, as if careful not to let too many details slip, 'he tends to ask Rex to do his paperwork.'

Your jaw falls slack, 'That is rubbish!,' you exclaim, mock fury in your expression. You begin crawling out of bed, yanking on Jesse's arm to pull you up with him. Your hand leaves him to put on your boots, gesturing for him to follow suit.

He laughs as you struggle to maintain balance, holding his arm out so you can steady yourself against him, 'Where are we going?'

'Mess hall, and then Rex's.'

You'll only be a moment away.

You and Jesse find the Captain in his private quarters, his bed completely made, as if untouched, and his desk a complete mess. You smile at him sadly as he greets you with a tired expression, but excitement washes over you as you lift up the tray in your hand, 'We brought you dinner.'

He raises his brow, 'Are you allowed to steal the trays?'

'Is Skywalker allowed to dump his reports on you?' you retort, visibly satisfied when you hear Jesse snicker behind you.

She came all this way.

'He outranks me.'

'—And I outrank him.'

Rex looks to his brother, exasperation on his features. This woman, he swears to himself, though it's only out of love.

'You need to take a break vod,' Jesse tells him, pushing you closer so you can give Rex the tray of food, 'we can wait for you as long as you need but, please, take a break.'

I know you're very busy. I know your work's important.

The captain sighs, looking back to you before reluctantly pulling the tray from your hands, 'Okay.'

I've got so much on my plate.

'How did you guys know it was always a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once?' you teased, eying the men from across the holotable.

Jesse's mouth falls open in shock, stunned by your boldness.

'NO—we just-it's-we...we wanted—'

Jesse nudges his stuttering brother, resuming his cool-headed demeanour, 'Rex and I are just asking if you wanted to get some drinks as friends,' he assures, though you can see the playful glint in his eyes.

Rex's eyes dart between where you and Jesse stand at the table, clearly still processing your taunt.

You look to him, brows raised in amusement, 'What about you, Captain?' you grin, 'you want to get drinks as friends?'

Rex gulps, nodding eagerly. He grits his teeth, 'Yes, just friends.'

'Well, that settles it!,' you exclaim, 'I'll join you for drinks after I finish uploading this file...if you don't mind waiting,' You add quickly, and they're quick to assure you it's fine, we don't mind. You dismiss them, turning your attention back to the work in front of you.

You don't hear the conversation between the men as they leave.

'Are you thinking about it?'

'Yeah,' the other breathes, aware of the tent growing underneath his codpiece, 'I'mmm thinking about it.'

You never giggle, but the buzz of alcohol coursing through your body doesn't help to prevent the bubbly noises that escape your throat. That, or being sandwiched between two clones outside your quarters at midnight.

Rex further pushes your head into Jesse's shoulder as his lips reunite with yours in a searing kiss, the other man leaving sloppy kisses across your neck. You're delirious, intoxicated by both alcohol and desire. Your hand moves to lazily open the door to your room, and the two shift inside with you awkwardly positioned between them.

You stay like that for a few minutes, slumped against Jesse who is assaulting the skin of your collarbone and neck, arm wrapped around your waist, and almost pinned to him by Rex, who can't seem to get enough of your lips.

You whine when Jesse pulls away, slightly unbalanced as you lose his support behind you. Your head tilts to watch him travel to your fresher, and you can see him prepare the bathtub through the door. Rex remains on you, but his lips have geared their attention to your jaw, teasing the skin there with his teeth. You gasp when he first nips it.

Just as you wrap your arms around his neck to reconnect your lips with his, he begins pushing you into the fresher, letting you go before Jesse comes into view. The arc trooper smiles out you, it's without teeth, but you're entirely focused on how warm his eyes look.

He begins tugging at your shirt, motioning for you to lift your arms up so he can pull it over your head. You don't miss the way his eyes, so very quickly, flicker down to your chest, only for a fraction of a second before you're making eye contact again.

Rex is leaning against the door frame, watching Jesse prep you for the bath. His face is one of pure adoration for you when you turn around, poorly hiding the goofy smile on your face. You begin shaking off your pants, but you stumble, and Rex lurches forward to catch you.

'Oh Captain, my captain,' you giggle, embarrassingly, and he helps you back to your feet, assisting you with your remaining clothes.

You hoist yourself over the barrier of the bathtub, using the two clones beside you as leverage. When you're seated in the water, Rex leans down to give you a kiss on the forehead, while Jesse settles on playfully ruffling your hair. They pull away, and you frown.

'Where are you going?' you ask, eyes on them as they move to leave the refresher. The smiles they send you are contagious, and you can feel your anxiety melting away.

'We're not going far, cya'rika.'

'We'll be waiting for you in your room.'

You nod, turning your attention to the warm water you're currently sitting in. You sit in silence as you think to yourself, and they take it as their invitation to continue, but you speak up, 'I'd prefer it if you stay.'

You don't see their silent exchange, but they come to an agreement. Your mood begins to lift as you listen to the shuffling of them removing their clothes, and the padding of their feet before you feel the water dip around you, displaced by the large men that join you in the tub.

join my taglist here: @baroclinicinstability @perpetual-fangirl900 @teletraan-meets-jarvis @foodandbooksplease @proadhog @sageislostinspring @dwarfplanet69 @ahsokatano-thetogruta @dinbeskarbaby @loth-wolffe

#clone wars fic #clone wars x you #clone wars x reader #captain rex x you #captain rex fic #arc trooper jesse x reader #arc trooper jesse x you #arc trooper jesse fic #ct 5597 #ct 7567 #captain rex #arc trooper jesse #332nd company #501st legion #501st x reader #mtoothfics #follower celebration

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luminousdelight · 2 years ago

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Multisectional ventpost hhhhh

Okay, the first thing here is rly just, I really dont like being in that friend server im in kinda (yk dori, that one i invited you in once). Theres like- 2 people that kinda ruin it for me completely, like I really wanna get out of it, which like- is kinda awful because thats the only place I really feel like I can stay rn- im too anxious to just suddenly start talking in random servers and irl is obv not an option for me. The reason those ppl r like a problem is just, one of them cant go 2 messages without complaining about either "commies" or "trannies" and is overall just an annoying person with how often they bring this stuff up along with their sentiment, and they sexualize alot its rly uncomfortable. The other one isnt really as annoying but still- it makes me feel uncomfortable being around them kinda, theyre pretty transphobic too but at least they dont mention it on their own. They also think the Andrew Tate getting banned from his socials stuff was unfair because he was just "ironic" so- yeah... (Late edit but theres also someone that cant shut up about how Honkai is better than Genshin and it drives me insane like yeah, maybe, idk, but can you shut up about it sometime maybe actually and not mention it every 10 seconds?? We get it Oh yeah and they did say some pretty trnasphobic stuff as well. At least those 3 are the only ones). I really dont like being there

Another thing is like, I really really hate venting ab the same thing to the same person multiple times because it just feels like- ill be kinda repetitive about it eventually :,D and a sorry for that only works so many times. So I just end up bottling up alot of stuff because im rly afraid to bother ppl too much about it. The same is a bit with these public vents too but- its not that bad there at least, my fear there is rather that all of that falls on deaf ears (or that a person I dont want reading about my struggles ends up reading it, like the ones in the server i mentioned) ;w;

And another thingy vent with that ex-(??? | hopefully not ;w;) friend. I really dont think things happened like they played it out like- idk quite know how to explain it but- theres just alot of things that just wouldnt make sense to me in that case.. I know I keep telling myself I should let go ab this over and over again but I rly cant- I just feel extremely convinced I mustve done smth wrong ;w; and in that case I just end up extremely hoping there might still be a chance to get my feelings reciprocated again if any of this just happened to be a huge misunderstanding. But its also the only part of this I really have any control over by now and this thought process just keeps making me feel more tense and tense the longer this situation goes on i just ghdjghjsdhdfhjs ;A; So I just rly wanna let go just if thats not the case but hsjhdfjhf its so hard qwp I really dont wanna be too pushy with this either, and im also not sure if they might even find out ab these posts and all that, wouldnt rly be that unexpected tho i feel, i kinda hope they will, it would make things alot easier. Please save me from this, im begging --- ;-;

Edit edit!!: Ik my reasoning is a bit nonsensical for this, I was just in complete denial still when its clearly not worth it by any metric, even if they wouldve responded by now

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bxngthedoldrums · 4 years ago

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im going insane over gabilliam today so im sorry if this is annoying, but which cobra starship songs do u think are about william? personally ive always thought (aside from the kids are all fucked up) keep it simple, you can’t be missed and one day robots will cry are about him lol

u are so valid and this is not annoying at all its actually what i Love 2 Do so thank u

im not gnna be talking abt any late midtown (idk it well enough!) or anything from night shades (i pretend this album doesnt exist) so past that let’s just go album by album,,,

lets start w OBVIOUSLY the kids are all fucked up - since i detailed it in a post a bit ago i won’t get in2 it here but it’s pretty self-explanatory,,past that, while the city sleeps has it’s warmer in the basement. i FEEL LIKE gabe himself joked w william abt this being about him, so if my memory isn’t failing me i’ll try to find a source abt that...i dont think the song is really about him as its kinda just a joke song but its worth noting

keep it simple !!!! this song fucking OWNS and i agree w you,, “i’m down if you don’t expect any more from me” is SO telling,,, yall Know how william talks abt gabe in his songs about him, that kinda looking up to/respecting/being intimidated kinda way. yeah. the rest of it is just cutesy partying stuff and that tracks w them i love it

YOU CANT BE MISSED !!! this song goes CRAZY the chorus is so poignant and “we’re too young / i hate to love you” UMM let us fondly recall william Was 21 when this album came out and like 18 when they met...makes u think....”we’re too fast for love” is a sentiment that has been expressed similarly in some other cobra songs and some tai songs as well !!!

one day robots will cry has always felt like a continuation of you cant be missed to me? so it goes without saying that its prob abt william,, i mean “don’t be afraid my dear / now i’m older” when he just talked abt them being too young in you can’t be missed,, “i’m dying not to hurt you” HOMIE.... “when you were young you kept a list / of the things you’d miss as you got older” sounds like one certain aquarius we know but who’s guessing !!! also the whole “sleep for days” thing just echoes the whole sharing a bed shit both cs and tai talk about OFTEN

these r the ones u mentioned, but allow me to add on the world has it’s shine. “the way i’m living makes you feel like giving up” compared to the lyrics in chop chop? bruh “i’m gonna make my way home / we can turn our backs on the past” lil similar to the vibe of robots imo....im not even gonna explain these next few lines all u gotta do is read them and u will understand: “i used to dream you up and make you up in my mind” “all i’ve ever wanted is to be understood / you’ve been the only one who could” “not long ago i gave up hope / but you came along and gave me something i could hold onto” ok not long ago sdfghjhgfd when this came out in 2007...ALRIGHT OK ALRIGHT

i may be crucified for this but pleasure ryland sdfghj it seems like such a cutesy jokey song gabe wld definitely write for william to tease him,,like cmon,, “be my hoe ‘cause i’m your moneymaker” also “my heart, it breaks when you get on your knees / won’t you let me take you home?” he’s got JOKES guys gals and nb pals

hot mess is a bit scarce in the gabilliam department other than fuckin FOLD YOUR HANDS CHILD !!!!! HOW THE F U C K . . . whyd they let him release that like truly not one person sat gabe down and was like “maybe this ones too obvious or smth” ... ofc not because pete wentz was enabling his ass and we all know pete’s treacherous past...

anyway that’s some cobra starship songs about william beckett. thank u so much

#gw #made sure 2 choose songs not using she/her or words like 'girl' as well :)

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bipedalseal · 3 years ago

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re: playing orlok's route; hahaha where do i even start? unexpectedly, it was a very long run. it didn't end at chapter 5 as i expected, probably bc i didnt pick the obey yang option. expectedly, it was a bad end. exoectedly, it was like a dante bad end. unexpectedly, i didn't get bored. can you believe i got like 5 bad ends in this run? my route progress is 40% now! in one run

it was also a while before i got to play this again. my sisters busy with some drawing project os i havent been allowed near her laptop lately and she discovered a new pc game (the ace attornsy prequel). she's been in a good mood bc of that game tho

1. i didnt predict that rosberg would be orlok's actual dad..? yknow considering that he seemed to neglect orlok emotionally. tho im not surprised that he had a son. most ppl have a hard time staying celibate anyway, like u tout sex as the ultimate form of love between a man and a woman and expect ppl not to want that lol (obviously the solution would be to take away the stigma regarding sex but idk, not a theologist). honestly i thought that "rosberg being a shite parental figure" would trump the "hes actually my dad card", but still. the writers are okay with anti-church sentiments but not anti-filial piety... interesting.

2. yang dying and the laoshu disbanding seems like an inevitability in nearly every ending. which i suppose doesn't go against his character? i wondee what happened to make him not value his own life like that. its very interesting.

3. the voice acting. iT SLAPPED HARD. admittedly i am talking abt yang during his final moments, bc why not. something weird occured during that, actually--i was playing on earphones that only worked on one side. But during yang's Evil Monologue, like the first fucking word he said, it suddenly started working in both ears. i got chills man. it was also chilly at the time. nobuhiko okamoto's stuff never ceases to disappoint me. kaito ishikawa was ngl his delivery... stop making me wanna learn voice acting my girls. i lowkey wish the mc had a voice too. esp during the pg13 scenes. thatd sound sexy.

4. speaking of pg13 scenes, um.

5. this run was a bad end for orlok as much as it was for dante, yeah? only difference is that orlok is the protag and dante is the antagonist. interestingly, orlok showed signs of turning his back on his old ways (and god in turn) when the thing with luca and yang and rosberg happened and he said nope. i think on the other hand started throwing his morals away the moment nicola got buried. that moment when he could finally make his move, that was when he was like, "fuck it, im gonna avenge everyone and do what i want in the process". then dante got a leg over orlok and victor (figuratively and literally, respectively) by using the visconti. i wonder what got gilbert to do that though. surely he must have known that orlok was gonna kill him? whyd he sacrifice himself for dante??

6. i feel like luca dying had something to do with the laoshu. poisoning, maybe?

7. ill be honest the romance here didn't really capture my attention. i was looking for something more, uh, fucked up maybe? but the writer's attitude towards religion and the church did. it felt really self-aware. im also not surprised that orlok killed victor in one of his bad ends. i didnt really have faith in his ability to question his faith. im surprised that the writer managed ti capture the feeling of questioning the church."if i dont obey him now, then my whole life would be a lie" and "give me a reason to kill him, say its an order by god, anything" had me thinking back to my pre-apostasy days. idk, i expected less from a visual novel with a largely catholic backdrop. my expectations have been nicely surpassed.

8. back to the pg13 scenes. its AMAZINGLY amazing. maybe im just horny? idk. i rlly think inserting a scene like that then wouldhave been perfect. like there was a scene of someone's ear getting cut off for fucks sake (which ngl could have gone on for longer than it canonically did, to my squeamish self's disgust). or at least some soft description of the scene could have been used like "he held me down and forced his way in, smiling as i struggled. i finally stopped resisting after the moon began descending from her crest. that smile turned into full laughter. still orlok's cries were the loudest in my ears." pr something. like UGH. sex isnt inherently bad my friends!! unless u use it as a way to violate other ppl like in this situation.... ..... ..... i still think sex scenes can provide amazing symbolism tho. honestly its amazing i can stand reading and writing um adult relationship scenes when i cant stand to read a description of a man's thigh getting stabbed. or seeing a dead body. jfc.

not sure what ill do after this. still havent finished dante and nicola's route 100% and orlok's route, i missed a bad end i think. think ill go for the bad end that i missed, then ill take a short break by digesting something fluffy (aka the ace attorney game where payne is japanese! jfc!). lets see when i can liveblog again.

#mine #piofiore spoilers #piofiore liveblogging #dante #orlok #yang #me gaming #long post #long post cw

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plantsandpupper · 4 years ago

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NSV and other stuff

So tomorrow is weigh in day but iv noticed some nsvs lately!

Kinda weird but iv noticed my forearms are bonier ?? I was resting them against my legs and like it wasn’t uncomfortable but just a slightly different feeling than usual and was surprised when I came to the realization it was because I had less padding. another kinda weird thing but like I can comfortably cross my legs. Idk how to explain it but u know how u see those “poised” (ie super skinny) women crossing their legs? Its diff when u got no thigh gap, and while no thigh gap atm its been so nice to sit how I want to sit in a way that is comfortable to me. I know im not articulating it well but its just been a wild feeling. Plus definition of my clavicle lately has been 10/10

So there’s this ring my grandmother had and I inherited when she passed, a vintage synthetic star sapphire that I haven’t been able to even get on my finger in since high school. Its been one of the few sentimental items I’ve kept even though it didn’t fit and not even high value but it was my grandmas and I liked it. Y’all I got the thing on and it fit!!!!!!!!

And I ordered my one style of bra a band size smaller bc this current one is too loose, my pants are starting to be a bit loose like just before I would need a belt, today was gorgeous and in the mid 70’s so I changed into a short sleeve that fit well last summer- now its probably a size too big. My mom even said im probably thinner than her now (not a fair comparison though bc im taller than her)

And while im happy to be getting to a healthier weight when my mom made the comment I was initially happy to hear it. But then she said for her her thing was her gut and she’s mentioned how she’s unhappy with her weight gain and in that moment I wanted to tell her that bc she has said things like that throughout my whole life I really think its the reason why I dislike my own fupa so much. I didn’t of course because I know she’s just saying this from of place of self unhappiness but I very much am my mothers daughter. It was ironic too bc we watched the latest season of new Amsterdam which touched on eating disorders and while my experience was nothing like the scenario in the show it still at its core was that the way our parents express the feeling of their bodies is what the kids later absorb and internalize.

If i was ever to do a surgery for cosmetic reasons it would be my stomach bc I am unintentionally always aware of it and I hate that its a societal conditioning more than anything

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oswednesday · 4 years ago

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so like my mom acted like she didnt bring anything from the grandparents house, but i was in her room gathering trash and i was like where are the bags she got from the house a while back? like shes gone back to using like this big ratty bag she got from a thrift store, my gut says she sold them it was two of them like, and while i was looking for these bags i found under some wallmart bags of some shirts that idk who theyre for, maybe my brother, one i kind of want to just snag and hope she forgot about getting but like these bags are like very deliberately on top of these old amazon boxes that i did notice she was gathering in her room are a few like cups and such from the gparents house so she like took them out of whatever she brought them in and like ?hid? them for some reason in amazon boxes, i could Almost wonder that theyll be gifts for me but i big time doubt that so its ??? that she went through the effort to hide them like that tho that Would explain why she launched into the whole what are you going to get me for xmas before i was even asked or even said anything about it, which like of course i want my grandparents things to be like passed down to me but my mom has succh a fixation on things that arnt like heirlooms in any way shape or form, like the thing with like the decades old cutting board thats like 20 dollars online dfgdfg or like this series of bone porcelain thats like i can find on ebay for like 12 dollars (which is what she took this time), when they have like really nice stuff thats like irreplaceable or very cost prohibited to replace, i mean she has taken some grandma art which feels like this big evil act she did like she had them all hung up in her room only until like recently when she brought one out in the living room but it was like weeks after its was like hey what should we do with this and i was like oh we should have it in the living room and she hung it in her room by her bed like gdfgdf and she has two paintings that were apart of a bigger series and its like she rotten of her to have them like i even asked for one instead of just taking it and she was like no teehee they should be together like, as if she wont like destroy it or try to sell it the moment she thinks she can get something out of it, or even leave it behind if she decides to move on a whim when im gone which like is a thing that might happen since thats what shes literally done every time ive moved out of the house she’s in, but back to the bags they probs werent worth much but still like designer bag price range cause she has like no eye for when stuff is nice and expensive and it really drives me insane that shes like this like being extra suzzy not even grabbing the nicer things (or they Were really expensive and she sold them like she did that to greatgrandmas jewlery when she got them after all the estate stuff was done with) , and she’ll act like theyre super sentimental to her like theres some of greatgrandmas like lower price dishes like 12 dollar plate kinda thing but like she hasnt grabbed like quilts or like dolls or anything so i think she just thinks she has something super valuable that she stopped her sister/late brother from getting when its like, stuff you can get at like macys

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hoshees · 4 years ago

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im pretty glad that the seasons greetings stuff isnt that unique or creative because it makes it less appealing to buy. theres 0% fear of missing out. im not sure why people are upset about it not being that cool, as if they are being forced to spend money on it. is it the disappointment? its an aside, unless they do this with an album, idk why it matters. if anything i think the managers and svt should be more disappointed with it because they spent the time and money on something mediocre.

yeah, i agree with you! i think it’s disappointing for people who want to buy their sg just because they love them but then they don’t like it because the design is bad. ofc it doesn’t make sense to buy something if you don’t like it... yeah it’s good if you don’t spend money but i understand being frustrated when the design is disappointing. especially since they announce sg designs so late... it’s like it builds all this hype after seeing the sgs for other groups and then it falls flat. i haven’t been rly into their album designs either tbh... the photoshoots yes but the graphics not as much. also post 24h especially i’m so tired of white plain backdrops. if you’re going to go minimalist maybe get more creative with wardrobes and poses.. idk. also the kit itself is odd i’m pretty sure there’s no behind dvd which is ridiculous considering they’re still charging $40. if ppl want to blame bighit they’re entitled but i would suggest they look at bangtan’s and txt’s sgs before they come to the assessment that this is all bighits fault 😅😅😅 the font choice reminds me of the bumzu concert teasers from a while ago and this simple design is very pledis imo... idk i just think they need stronger more detailed designs to hold people’s interests

edit: i missed this part of the ask the first time but idk if i agree w the sentiment that svt should be disappointed in it bc it doesn’t have much to do with them... they don’t have creative control over products like this or probably any merch designs that i know of. it’s definitely a management issue tho

#asks #anon

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lucatorahaven · 4 years ago

Text

vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?”

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know”

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay”

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

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chimcharstar · 5 years ago

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1-50 ho

you got it ho

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED. ive been Purchasing various smelly candles for my gay divination activities, and i have a few nominees. i first thought of the candle i have now, a pink one with a very sweet vanilla smell, i love very sweet smells because it makes me think of candy which i tend to try to fill my inner void with. however im going to go with the first candle i bought, a dark orange one with a citrus smell. citrus scents are my next favourite and specifically this one reminded me of curiously smelling candles at my piano teachers apartment when i was very young.

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

idk. ive been listening to her lion king stuff lately. dont judge me i needed to hear remixes of lion king music i was lost in that sauce in high school. and i just think shes neat. i dont think she would aggressively make me feel bad about everything, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Look……. i really don’t know???? what is the criteria?? do they need to be like my siblings? dare i criticize my arguably criticizable siblings by picking out my ideal siblings? if i pick an ideal sibling, what does that say about what im lacking in my life? do i pick celebrities i hate so theoretically my family shames them into becoming silent and self-defeating

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

50. i think im going to have to figure myself out for a long time, and achieve some personal goals first. thats my excessively confident prediction and PERHAPS educated guess

5. Do you know a hoarder?

nnnnnoooooooo????? not a real, cant function because of hoarding hoarder. i can see in a few family members, including myself, liking to hang onto things that maybe become sentimental/unnecessary clutter but that sounds like something many non-hoarders experience?

6. Can you do a split?

lemme try one sec

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Idk maybe 7? Or 11? i think my parents taught me at a children age and then i started biking for fun like, later, like pre middle school?

8. How many oceans have you swam in?

1. i dont really remember swimming in an ocean but i may have faded childhood memories of salty water and seaweed

9. How many countries have you been to?

2… i went to idaho for a band trip… my dad really doesnt like travelling

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

HAHAHA

NO. ACTUALLY YES. but its funny because the specific brand of christianity we are supposed to be is super pacifist so ive heard. but then i remembered one dude apparently who joined the us military?????? it seemed like it was… an unusual choice. i dont really know anything else about this guy, not even his name

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

🙏 *inhale* buddy. oooooohhffffff i want to say something gender neutral honestly. i dont want to rock the boat being unconventional or something but im just thinking of all those years trying to live up to a feminine name

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

same i guess… why have i never thought about this????? was i preoccupied naming myself.

13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?

hmmmmm hmmmmm trying to unlock the vault. i think i remember a 1 or a 0 on a math quiz. i think i got 30% or something very very bad (i dont even want to know) on my last english exam, but to be fair, i was having such a bad mental breakdown my professor did an intervention

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

like a very very small child? i was obsessed with the save-ums (?!?!?) for some reason. i would sing the anthem… no. theme song? i dont know. i guess it was catchy and there were lots of fun characters. OHHHH I SEE WHATS WRONG

ITS BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD A TV TILL I WAS LIKE 5 OR SOMETHING. what are you cultured people watching as children? what are the shows?

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

>:(

My Halloween experience:

i dont even remember i probably had some kind of fairy wings? i think i remember fairy wings. we went to one (1) house. later on, since we werent allowed to go trick-or-treating, we were each allotted a certain amount of candy, and if we ate more than a designated amount per day, we were in trouble and wouldnt be allowed anymore. i do remember getting in trouble for this. i think i stole someones candy. sibling against sibling. finally we were allowed to go trick or treating, i went with my younger brothers and by then, was a teenager and felt too tall and really uncomfortable

LMAO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT LAST TIME WE WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING NOT IN A RURAL AREA, my dad drove us around in a van and watched us like a hawk i believe. it was very tense and methodical.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

i read the harry potter series (I WROTE SIBLIGS LOL) more times than i could count while growing up. i read the first hunger games book and didnt fancy it for whatever reason, and i had an obnoxious twilight-hating phase.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

sometimes, though, im really genuinely worried about what accent i do have. im worried i read so much harry potter growing up, it rubbed off on me. when i was a server, people would ask about an unusual accent i apparently had, and once, when i was talking to a super british guy who called me luv at walmart, he was like STOP. WAIT. YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT. and i was like WHAT UHHH BYEBYE AND HE WAS LIKE NO. I HEARD YOU. STOP and i was like that michael jackson meme where he covers his face running away and everyone else in the line was staring

18. Did your mother go to college?

i believe she went to a bible college where people put a grand piano on top of the roof.

19. Are your grandparents still married?

all of my grandparents are dead.

…. hmmMMMM yow. ok. my grandparents who werent estranged stayed married for as long as either of them were living… however, my OTHER grandparents, i mean the fucking kidnappers, my abuser grandpa… remarried? when he was… really really aging. im judging him for it because i know what kind of person he was.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

I WISH. my parents didnt seem to like that sort of thing (surprise). im interested in it now but… as usual… i feel like its too late, im too old.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

….. i… i thought i did… hes blessed… thats all.

22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?

ಠ_ಠ

*crickets*

how could you ask me this?

no wait! i went to the waterslides. then, later on, i was never allowed to go to the waterslides.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Spanish. ive been “intending” to learn for a long time, and a lot of people who have been really good influences on me and been genuinely kind to me speak it, id like to learn it

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

grey

one sec

yup thats canadian!

25. Is your father bald?

on the top of his head, yes >:(

26. Do you know triplets?

no?

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

no? what is this straight stuff? i listened to the dramatic titanic song and felt nothing.

28. Have you ever had Indian food?

i guess so, at a friends house! i dont think otherwise ive gone to a restaurant and actually had indian food

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

*gazes tearily at my OWN FUCKING OLD WORKPLACE

the food was sO GOOD MAN. IT WAS SO GOOD. im just not saying because despite how stalkable i probably am already, i dont want to be specific

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

no whats that

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)?

belong? whats bjs? whats a warehouse for?

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

i decided at one point they would never tell me this and it was no use asking. i do know they almost named my brother a very fusty old fashioned name fitting in with the thomas the tank engine theme

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

G is the ONLY one i will accept so far.

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?

i……… hmmmm…. i really dont like picking favourites. each person in my life has a unique relationship with me (even though a lot of them arent very warm, trusting or close). because of unhealthy middle school friendships ive grown an aversion to ranking relationships as if they have material value.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

rural, i think. i need nature in my life!!! but i also need to be able to have connections to people.

36. Can you whistle?

yes, but not very loudly or accurately

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

no, but ive always wanted a nightlight

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

ive started to, yeah! this morning i made a whole thing with bread and mushrooms and eggs, and coffee, and i ate it outside watching the traffic. im really trying to treat myself nicely you see. its what id do for someone else.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

THAT

BOY

JUICE!

WELCOME TO MY BUILD A BOY WORKSHOP!

SHOTS!SHOTS!SHOTS!

and im really fortunate to be in pretty good health, and have access to things i do need

40. What medical conditions do you have?

I dont think… i actually have any. id say gender dysphoria but i think it was informed consent. (im VERY lucky)

im pretty sure there are SOME mental conditions running around undiagnosed. MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING PROPERLY

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

for myself? once… when i got hives and started swelling up all over, but otherwise was fine. i really wonder what that was. other times was visiting sick/dying relatives which has made me feel sad and apprehensive whenever i enter a hospital or smell the food

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

yes! i had a gerbil named nemo!

43. Where do you buy your jeans?

i dont … remember … really nowhere special i actually have yet to find some jeans i LOVE. sometimes there is a pair of jeans that sparks joy. i do not have such a pair

44. What’s the last compliment you got?

my sister said my pants looked good on me. they are actually their pants, which they left on the floor in my room for an unknown reason, and they want them back. of course.

but because im excited about it and want to brag, the real compliment was when i made borscht and my sister not only ate it faster than me, but wanted a second helping. and my roommate stuck his face in the steam and said it smelled good. hell yes. i put fucking cilantro in it. fcking beast mode.

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

yes. theyre usually really emotional and symbolic. if ive been talking to my parents, theyre usually nightmares. ive been reading about dream interpretation for a long time to deal with some of the ominous images that can come up

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

red rose reminds me of wheni was little my mom would make really sweet sweet red rose tea for me (thats the kind she drinks all the time) and it brings me those good feelings. otherwise licorice spice really appeald to me for some reason.

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

LMAO UHHH…brb

six. because of social pressure.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

i never thought about this kind of thing…. i really don’t know….. id just want them to know how to be kind to others and themselves and thats literally it.

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

i was one of those edgy kids trying to spoil it for everyone. guess what other common fun thing my parents didnt do

50. Why do you have a youtube?

i dont! so i dont know what this question means! :)

HOLY SHIT I MADE IT THRU HIGH FIVE

#rambling #WOW #bug

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the-little-red-noodle · 6 years ago

Text

10/11/18 7:47

okay, lets talk.

Ive had an emotional 24 hours. I’ve been anxious, i’ve been insecure, i’ve been angry and sad and hurt and manic and crazy and i need to get it out so i can fucking cleanse and move into my weekend.

It started with spencer, what like, 2 nights ago now? i dont remember when it was, but i was getting insecure and noticing how i was affecting him. it was yesterday, cuz it was wednesday. i was insecure and didnt want him to leave my room and i think i really stressed him out because i just wanted him to stay and say the things i wanted to hear, but that isnt reality. he cant read my mind, he cant know what i need to hear, thats why i need to communicate and not just suck into myself and away from him, but i didnt want to do that because i didnt want to be crazy, but then i got crazy and i made him kinda late because he dropped by at 3:30 and only expected to stay till 4 but he left at 6:27 as i needed to go to my 6:30 lab.. so i feel bad but i just agh i couldnt let him leave when i didnt feel good..

i didnt feel good because we talked about politics. he got me going on the wage gap, so i got heated talking about the misconceptions and he was (respectfully) arguing with me because he is suuupperrrr super liberal, very very left, very socialist, and he’s a politics major, so he’s well versed and i get that going in, but i also wanted to share my side because im fairly moderate; i dont believe in a lot of feminist rhetoric, or the wage gap stuff. i read the study, and it bothers me that people misuse the statistics to say that women get paid less for the same job, because that is NOT what the study found. The point was that women take different kinds of jobs than men and tend to work less hours and have less education and qualifications. THAT is the ‘feminist’ issue, not paying women less for the same job because thats illegal and cant happen.

Heres the thing. I know there are sexist issues in our society. i know that it is harder for women than it is for men. but frankly, i feel better ignoring it as much as i can. i feel like if we keep telling women than they shouldnt be scientists because its a man job, or that society tells women that they need a leg up, because then we start believing it and internalizing and thinking we are less than men. i feel like if we just stopped talking about it, i wouldnt know that there was a gender discrepancy and id feel totally normal getting into stem. i dont want to feel like im some anomaly. and frankly yes, i notice sometimes. i notice the gender divide in stem. of fucking course i see it. i know that there are men in my neuroscience lab who think i dont know shit. im not blind, i know the STEM field is misogynistic. i know it is. but i dont like to subscribe to the feminist thing that im so held down and its because im a woman. but thats just me

anyway, my babe is very liberal and he was listening of course but also making sure i knew that the problems im ignoring are still there, which i appreciate but i also get kinda irritated with hyper liberal men because it sounds kinda guilty? like listening to a straight white man say that straight white men are the problem, annoys me. like yes thats true, but also ugh its annoying. i hate the men shame that feminism encourages.

so we kinda went back and forth for a while, which like, good that we can have real conversations, and politics is something that will inevitably come up, but as the conversation went on, i started getting insecure and anxious because confrontation scares me. not that he was really even confronting me? like spencer is such a sweet man, he’s gentle and kind and supportive and so sweet to me, and i know politics is literally his thing, and im glad that he’s super liberal as opposed to the other end. cuz like ya i am a queer woman and im glad that he seems like a strong advocate for minority groups like that, so like im glad, but i also started to feel like he was frustrated with me for like being ill informed.

heres the thang tho, im not really ill informed. ive done my research, i watch the news, and im a big fan of shoe0nhead which admittedly is very moderate bias media, but its content i agree with. and i was telling him that im fairly moderate, and he was like ya i can tell, and i was like and politics isnt really my thing, and he was like ya i can tell. but i didnt mean that like i didnt understand politics, i meant it as like i try not to really get into the conversation (partially because of sarah lawrence)

no wait i did tell him that. i told him how involved i was in social justice stuff in new york, that i literally led the anti Trump protest in NYC after he was elected. and when i told him that, he got all dreamy eyed like it was so attractive that his girlfriend was an activist, which is cute n whatever, cuz everything he does is cute..

the point is, that after this conversation i was insecure because i felt like he would be mad at me (he wasn’t) or that he would hate me (he doesn’t). and i know that logically of course, but still... ugh idk, the conversation just got me riled up and then he had to leave town for the whole weekend and i was feeling like we wouldnt have enough time to resolve it

but he kept saying everything was fine, that he wasn’t mad, that he might disagree, but still loves me duh. and i know he meant it, but u know when you get in your head and youre like shit i said too much, and now he will never look at me the same because we slightly disagree about politics, like my moms dating a republican and they reallllyyy disagree on politics, like i will be fine! whats yer issue self?

but ya so i just felt insecure, and i know he was trying to comfort me even tho i didnt let on thaaat much that i was hurting. i feel like when people i love get confrontational with me (which again, he wasn’t) i get upset and my heart feels heavy and it hurts and i want them to leave and i would have just ended our hangout because we both had places to be and whatever we’ll deal with it later, but i knew he was leaving tonight and was gunna be busy and we couldnt deal with it so i was scared and when my attachment feels insecure, i get SO insecure. hahahaaaa i was thinking this relationship would be any different? gurl.

but heres the thing, he is.. he’s fine. he doesnt think anything is wrong and he’s still my sweet pea boyfriend. and i know that now, because i did get to say goodbye in a good re-establishing way tonight.

i knew he was leaving after his class at 6:30 tonight and i was nervous because i knew he was gunna be busy with packing up and everything.

i ran into him walking to class and we were fine and kissy and cute and i love him but as we were parting i was like can i say goodbye before you leave, but i dont think he heard me cuz he didnt really respond because we were diverging and he was giving me his sweet boy eyes with an outstretched arm as we parted and i was like shit im still insecurrrreeee

so i texted him during the first class like “hey i meant cant i say goodbye before you hit the road but sounds like yer gunna be busy so have a great weekend baby i love you!” and i meant it, i wanted to end on a good note but then he didnt respond all day, and my anxiety was mounting and i spent the rest of today in my room doing nothing but stressing about him. stressing about a boy, nothing new for me.

but eventually i got really tired and took a real nap, i had accepted that i wouldnt see him again.. sad.. i woke up at like 7:15 and i was like hmm let me see if his car is still here, ya know, cuz im crazy. i went downstairs to fill up my water bottle and his car was still in the parking lot. so ya know, i text him, cuz im crazy. and i was like drive safe babe <3 and then as i got back to my room there he was outside my door with bags in his arm to pack up his car and i was so effing relieved to see him. we hugged and kissed and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and i was so happy to get to have a moment with him before he left.

i walked him down to his car, and filled up his water bottle for him and once everything was in his car, he just kissed me.. and i know im a hopeless romantic, but i was so happy to just kiss him and feel his lips smiling and feel his arms around me and hear him giggle and be adorable..

my heart still hurts, but it’s different now. my heart hurts because I miss him. i already miss him even though he only just left. he’ll be gone until monday night and i might not even see him then because he’ll be exhausted, which is fair. but now im sad because ill just miss him. i know he’ll be camping and among friends and nerding out on his larping camp vacation is fresno. of course ill miss him.. because i love him..

as we were kissing by his car i was like be safe (cuz his larping thing is basically nerd war with foam weapons) and he was like “yeah i will, cant wait to see you when i get back”, and i was like yeah babe ill be here to patch you back together when you get back, and he kinda laughed at me and was like “i dont think that’ll be your intention when i get back” implying that ill probably just want to rough him up immediately when i see him like i usually do. which made me really really happy to hear cuz it was like acknowleding that everythings still good and we’re still crazy about each other and we’ll just want to fuck as soon as he’s home which is sweet to me, like to me thats such a sweet sentiment. and i just got so happy that he in his own way reminded me that like we’re still on a good track, and we’re still happy, and he still loves me, ya know?

and also as we were hugging and kissing i started scratching his back how he likes and he sorta moaned and was like “ugh im really gunna miss this.. like im gunna miss you of course, but im gunna miss your back scratches” and that made me happy..

he just makes me happy.. i really love him and i’m really grateful that i got to have this brief reconnection with him before he left town till monday.. 4 days without him is gunna suck, but i know he’s gunna be busy and probably not have service and be off the grid so we won’t talk unless he reaches out. but i will manage. he managed for 4 days while i was camping, so i can manage while he is nerd camping

omigod that reminds me how much i love him, again. he’s nerd camping. ugh i adore him

he was like babe you gotta come next time so we can get drunk and fight together and he was all smiley like he really wants to show me off at his nerd event which is so sweet.. and as he walked me back to the dorm entrance cuz i forgot my key, he called me his girlfriend, and even though its small, its something.. i’ll take it.

i needed that brief little reconnection. the next 4 days i will have to detox. i have events planned like every day, so i’ll be fine. im gunna see my friends tomorrow and saturday night and i have chapter on sunday and should probably spend some time alone writing and detoxing and getting back to myself and feeling independent.

i want time to shower and braid my hair and brush my teeth and feed my body good food and watch youtube and write. i need to stay writing. i need to keep journaling because i know how much it helps me. i need to get my emotions out and analyze why the things that upset me get to me. whats the root of the problem and how to get through it. i need that.

i was and still am so frustrated with myself that i got so insecure over one political conversation with spencer. like... thats a problem, ya know?

and at least now that he’s out of town for the whole weekend, i dont really have an excuse for being anxious about seeing him? cuz he just drops by and i never know when cuz he doesnt text me first. like literally tonight as we were kissing outside my room he was like i came by earlier but you werent home, and i was like oh shit i was taking a nap and i slept through him coming to visit me :(( which is like oh my god that would have been so sad if i didnt get to see him on his way out because i was literally asleep!

his dropping by, while its the cutest ever because it just like him wanting to see me, its also kind of stressful because i never know when its gunna happen, so whenever im home, im kind of anxious because he could drop in at any second, and of course i get happy when he does because then i get to see my baby, but alsoooooo it means i cant really indulge in my personal space because it could be interupted at any moment, and as i found out tonight, i cant take naps because then i could miss him :(

thats probably something we should discuss at some point, because it creates anxiety for me that is related to spencer, and i want to eliminate any bad vibes from my relationship

relationship.. he’s my boyfriend.. ohmigod wuuuuuuut im still shocked that he wanted to boo me up this much.. he’s so sweet and cute and nerdy ugh

i love him.. i need to get over this dumb insecurity that comes from mild confrontation? that wasnt even confrontation??

so lets remember the things to look forward to about this relationship

he loves me. he claims me proudly as his girlfriend. he wants to bring me to belegarth events, even this day one in san diego where he’d bring me home and introduce me to his home friends which is pretty huge.. he’s sweet, he likes spending time with me and he drops by frequently and stays for hours.. we’re good, and i know i sound crazy needing to convince myself, but thats because i dont want to bug him to validate me, especially not when he has this big event that he’s so excited for. and i want him to be excited for his event and feel secure with me, because of course i love him and want to be with him.

10:53pm i keep taking breaks from the journaling, i get distracted really easy, watching youtube and texting people.. trying to be social, its hard for me. also trying to bury my spencer texts, just cuz i know im crazy and i want to try to not think about him..

do i go walk down to the cooler to get food? or should i just subside on whatevers in my fridge.. also i really should fill up my tank.. and calculate the gas so my friends can reimburse me.. sigh

anyway, i think im feeling mostly better after yesterday. like obviously im still gunna think about it, and ill always worry if spencers as invested as me, but i gotta take it with the context that he was the one who pursued me and crushed on me from day one and wanted to date me and wanted to be exclusive with me and wanted to call me his girlfriend.. he says he loves me and he comes to visit me all the time and spends his free time with me.. he’s a sweet pea and i shouldnt be insecure about it

and not to be cryptic, but what am i even worried about? part of me was reluctant to even get into a relationship, and was supposed to be single and focusing on myself and if anything, dating women. i accidentally caught feels for an amazingly sweet nerd man, and believe me im happy about it. i love spending time with spencer and loving on him. but to be cryptic for just a second.. worst case scenario? he’s just not interested anymore and we break up. sooo? ya that would suck, and i would be heartbroken, but i would also be okay because i have good friends and the whole point of breaking up with ryan was to be single.. so..

anyway, i should probably wrap up this journal entry cuz its long and all over the place

omigod he just texted me

aww he’s letting me know that he got to his thing safely and he loves me

seeee he’s a sweet bean, yall are fine, can you chill now? he’s so into you and you dont need to be insecure about this right now

and wow i sound crazy writing this much, i’ve literally been writing for hours. i know i need to journal more, and this is literally just stream of consciousness for hours and hours.. alright, ima end here and do hw maybe..

stay grateful. stay happy. life is good, you are blessed. friends are good. boyfriend is good. school is good for now kinda haha but i need to stay positive! yes i have bad days, yes i have low points, yes i get insecure and sad and upset and lonely. but i am so very lucky to be alive and to be surrounded by support and love and to feel and give love freely. i am lucky to have found friends i can trust. i am lucky to still have my close friends from beyond this year of oxy. i am beyond lucky to have an incredible man in my life. and also its halloween season which means lots of fun family stuff and so many fun parties on and off campus and looking forward to showing off my jessica rabbit costume and seeing spencers cowboy beebop costume and just drooling over each other ^-^

it is going to be a great rest of this month, and after this is november, which means thanksgiving and family stuff, and better fall weather hopefully and that means getting spencer to wear more sweaters.. mmmph and then after that is december which means holiday season, and more family stuff, and of course, finding a time to see spencer and be cozy and watch christmas movies and again, get him into more sweaters.. mmmmmmmph yes babe

there is so much to look forward to!! events and planning christmas presents for people omigod im gunna start that note on my phone, theres so much to do!! cuz i also have so many new great friends for this holiday season which means more presents for people which im always excited about :) and getting to watch my puppy grow up and see my family and take in the quality time together <3

i am loved. i am blessed. i am grateful. i want to spread love and positive vibes and happiness and love! so much love :)

okay. that’s all for tonight. shower, brush teeth, go to sleep. take care of yourself. LOVE

#samiswriting

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the-ethereal-demon · 4 years ago

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kris has been on my mind a lot lately. Whenever that happens I wonder if hes been thinking about me too. I kind of wonder what he thinks about our situation, us kind of being friendly but not really friends yknow? I sort of feel like I wanna talk to him just to see how hes doing n stuff but I dont know how that would go. Even if everything went fine I still feel like it would be kind of bittersweet, like we can get along for the moment but it just reminds me that we cant have what I'd want..

I dont even want to date him anymore, I just wanna be able to be friends. I know its silly to think that that is an impossibility bc life surprises you and people change and the passage of time and all that but it still feels like it wont ever be possible for us to even be friends and that kind of sucks

I probably won't do anything. That's what I usually do. I think at some point I unconsciously made the decision to only talk to him if he texts me first. I think the only time I text him first in the past year was for his birthday. Part of me feels like I should just go ahead and talk to him and not be scared but idk if that's a good idea

Whenever I do get the urge to talk to him theres always those thoughts lingering in my mind like "do you still think about me?" and although I want to ask those things I dont. In an ideal world itd be like in fiction where two people cross paths and they almost muse about how things have been since the last time they talked and both of them can ask all the questions that are still on their mind but I cant do that. And even if I could im scared. I dont want to say anything too deep or sentimental bc I'm afraid that it will push him away and our relationship is already so shaky as it is. Its not like I'd be surprised if he got freaked out abt me still being sentimental and wanting to know what he thinks of me now but it would still hurt at least a little bit and I dont wanna go through that at all

I still remember the first time I told him I loved him. It was before we were dating and we were skyping and I wanted to tell him that I loved him, in a platonic way, but I was afraid to. And he had muted the call cause his dad was asking him something and I messaged him "I love you" and when he came back he said "are you afraid to say that to me?" And I said yeah and he said "well I can say it to you". And so then I told him verbally that I loved him and he told me that he loved me too and then he was like "see that wasnt so bad" and I was like "yeah <3" and it was cute

#personal

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crazykendal · 8 years ago

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Bored, Single, and Dead

1. What was on your mind mostly today? MOVING ON from some people and why my right arm feels fucking wierd

2. If someone looked on your bed, what would they find? oh shit idkk

3. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? im going to Tahoe

4. Are you nice to everyone? no

5. Is it possible to be single and happy? for me, no

6. Is it easy for people to make you cry? no but once someone made me cry when I heard them SING for the first time YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

7. Did you sleep alone last night? I had a sleepover with my sister

8. Do you play with dead bugs? ew no wtf

9. Honestly, are you dating two people? im not even dating one person wth

10. Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? yeah, im going to be dead ass lonely or dead

11. Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone other than family? nooo

12. Do you want to see somebody right now? yeaahhhh

13. What if you had a baby with the person you like? that's not physically possibly

14. Are you happy? not right now nope

15. Have you ever tripped in public? trippin is my game

16. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you? I sometimes think everone secretly hates me

17. Have you ever sat in the back of a police car? nope

18. Are you stubborn? veRY

19. Do you tend to hold a grudge? yeah, and it can get baddd

20. What’s a fact about the last person that texted you? oh, well.. they're a scammer

21. Has anyone called you perfect before? nope

22. Where is the biggest scar on your body? my left ankle. I shaved a huge chunk of my skin off and it was baddddd haha

23. Have you ever been told you were amazing? no

24. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?

immediate no

25. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? well guess what YES and its killlling me

26. Do you trust all your friends? no I cant trust any of them 27. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? haha well yeah

28. What pissed you off today? my sister scratches up my arms and it looks like ive tried to cut myself or something

29. What was the last thing you cried about? this one person

30. Who was the last girl you talked to? ^^ same person as ^^

31. Do you know anyone who drinks a lot? no

32. Who sits next to you in English? SCHOOLS OUT BITCHES

33. Ever talked to someone who was drunk? no

34. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? yes everything is about them and its driving me crazy

35. How late did you stay up last night and why? I stayed up til 12:30 reenacting Stranger Things scenes with gummy bears with my sister.

36. Do you know how to properly use grammar in a sentence? kinda? 37. Are your parents very protective of you? yeah

38. Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months? I fukin wish

39. How many drugs are in your system? can a Capri Sun count

40. The person who hurt you the most calls and needs you, do you go? bitch no

41. Is it easy to pretend everything’s okay for you? yeah, I do it every day

42. Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to on the phone? uh that was my dad, so sure

43. Do you think you are a good person? oh god no, if hell existed i’d be going there

44. What do you want right this second? I WANT A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE

45. Do you think it makes him weak if a guy cries? no

46. Have you ever cried cause you were so mad? yeah

47. Could you last in a relationship for over a year? yes

48. Who were you with on your birthday? i don't really remember or care 49. Have you ever crawled through a window? I feel like I have but don't remember

50. First person to talk to you in 2014? how the fuck am I supposed to remember that, it was 3 years ago

51. Do you miss your past? Not really but I dont regret meeting some sweet ass people

52. It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it? a telemarketer, I have like no friends so no one ever checks up on me, by the time someone does I might be dead.

53. Do you have anything interesting planned for the next week? VIDCON I get to meet Sara Rubin, Ashly Perez, Allison Raskin, Gaby Dunn, Stephanie Frosch, and Bria and Crissy and maybe Simply Nailogical haha

54. Who was the last person to text you?

scammmmmmmmer

55. What were you doing 4 hours ago? i dont remember

56. Is there a certain song that you can’t stop listening to atm? Secrets by The Weeknd

57. Tell me 3 things that your friends don’t know about you. well well well I cant say

58. What is something that people often give to you as a gift? honestly nothing

59. Do you tend to hold on to a lot of stuff you don’t need, just because it has sentimental value? yeah then a month later I can get rid of it

60. What is something that reminds you of your ex?

well guess what i havent even dated at all so nop

61. Has the last person you kissed ever cried in your arms? my cat Bub has not cried in my arms

62. Which would you prefer to receive as a gift - flowers or chocolate? chocolate

63. When did you last take a shower/bath? Do you wash your hair every time? I took a shower like 2 hours ago, yeah I was my hair every time.

64. Would you prefer to be somewhere else right now? yep

65. Do any of your followers on Tumblr have your phone number? yeahh

66. Will you be going out tonight, or staying in? staying in listening to Alone by halsey because it’s relatable.

67. How many times have you been in love? ONCE and maybe I still am but I need to fix it BECAUSE SOMEONE ISNT GOING TO MY HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR and im going to be so fcked and messed up so pray for me

68. If you were heartbroken, who would help you pick up the pieces? ususally myself of this one friend I have she’s cool and she bacically proved I was bi. No it’s not you olivia sorry dude

69. Apparently, it’s very common to crave chocolate around the ‘time of the month’; do you ever get that craving? no

70. How would you feel about dating someone who had a reputation for being a player in the past? Do you think that players will ALWAYS be players, or is it possible that they can change? I’d give them a chance but idk Ive nvr fcking dated at all so whaat

71. Did you sleep well last night? sure

72. Is your bedroom big enough for you? sure

72. Are you looking forward to seeing someone soon? imexited to see Sara Rubin on Friday because she actually screwed up my love life and I dont even want to get started with that because it’s actually funny but will make me cry.

73. Ever had a one-night stand? nope

74. Is anyone flirting with you? I wish

75. Have you ever felt pressure to do anything you didn’t want to, like smoking, drinking, or losing your virginity, before you were ready for it? If so, how did you deal with that? all the time, like when the teacher tells us to do homework like wth hahahahahahaahaha idk

76. Do you consider yourself to be an intelligent person? Why/why not? no im really stupid and can have absolutely no common sense its actually really funny

77. Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with? Ashley Nicolette Frangipane

78. Is there anyone you’d HATE to be stuck in a lift with? oh my god yeah like the chick who plays Enid in the walking dead, and like my whole school.

79. When did you last talk to the person you love/like? What did you talk about? pff what lemme look... a hour and a half ago ahahahahahah

80. Have you ever seen your father cry? no

81. How would your parents react if you got pregnant? well i dont know because I dont really want kids

82. Do you/did you keep to your school’s uniform/dress code? sure

83. If the last person you kissed said you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them? Bub is a mean cat to my other cats and I wouldnt believe it

84. What was the highlight of your summer? cant rememeber

85. The last time you threw up, was it because you were hungover? idk

86. Have you ever seen the film ‘Wake Wood’? What did you think of it? never heard of it

87. Are you confused about anything atm? Is there anything bothering you? Or, is everything good? some people and their lies

88. If you say ‘I’ve had enough’ or ‘I’m done’, do you always mean it? no haha

89. Who was the last person that invited you to their house? honeslty scammer because I have no other friends

90. Have your parents ever told you about any alternative names they considered for you, or the name they would have chosen, if you’d turned out to be a boy? ASHLEY

91. Are you friends with any of your exes? n/a

92. Have you ever had to make an emergency phone call?

93. If you’re in a relationship, how is it going? If you’re single, are you looking for someone? *cries*

94. What language do you like the sound of? english ;)

95. Think about the last guy, outside of family, that you had a conversation with. Do you find him sexy? ew no wtf

96. What do you think is an assumption that someone could make about you, just by looking at your Tumblr? Would this assumption be correct? idk

97. What’s the most attractive physical feature of the person you love/like? HA I’d rather not write an essay right now

98. Do you consider yourself to be a strong person? Why/why not? .kindaaa?

99. Tell me about a special moment you’ve had with the person you love/like. just convos

100. What are you doing tomorrow? Im going to tahoe

#alone

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