everythings-as-it-seems

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I feel like no one talks about how lonely it is to make a decision about creating life or preventing it. So badly in my soul would I like to keep this little bean, but the other part of me knows it’s not the time. And I can’t help but feel overwhelming guilt and sadness.

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I have no right to be mad but at the same time I do. Trying to validate the fact that I’m upset. I am worth it. I’m so ducking sick of men seeing nothing more to me other than sex. I am worth much more than just my body. I am smart, I am caring, I love with all my heart.

I’ve spent such a long time single, working on myself. Been in therapy for almost 3 years, been continuously working out, treating myself kinder, trying to avoid addictions and shitty people. I try to attract the good. Somehow I’m still a magnet for shitty men. These men play it so well too, pretending to care, late night talks, swaying me with things they say, all the while just using me for my body once I give in. Then they turn around and end up in a relationship with with someone else. I don’t understand.

It took me a long time, a lot of self love to remind myself it’s not my fault. I am worth it. My worth isn’t defined by these men. But sometimes I just cry because it’s frustrating. All I want is to be loved honestly. That’s all I’ve wanted. And when I cry I feel like the same 15 year old girl, or the 21 year old begging the man who broke me to stay. And this just makes me more frustrated because they deserved better. I know that one day I will be so glad I waited for the right person. But lately it’s been bothering me too much

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Everyone’s trynna get ahead right?

But I’m only trying get my head right

So crazy to be feeling the way I am but I gotta accept that it’s fine to feel it. I shouldn’t care bout my ex especially not now after all this. Especially after all this time. But man does it still pull on the heart strings, it’s someone I don’t think I’ll ever forget. The way this man loved me and broke me was a new level. And shit he was probably a karmic but it didn’t feel like one, but all the others did. Not the way he loved and broke me. Something I’m reminded of every day

I think I just burrowed it so deep in my other problems to not think about it. Cause I’ve got so much more to worry about but it doesn’t fix that lonely feeling.

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Something that took me this long to realize is my worth and what I deserve. I’d always hear it from the boys that would break my heart. “You deserve better”. I think the one that struck home was “you deserve only the best”. I know i deserve someone who will love me as much as I love them, who won’t second guess me, they choose me.

It’s always a battle of heart when you meet 2 men worthy, but also to know that none of us are healed enough. I’m tired of being seen as only a body to any man I meet. I’m so much more than that. The striking thing is that these 2 men are the only men to not only stimulate me physically but mentally. It’s the perfect balance. Although im more in love with the first one. I’d give either one of them a chance if they wanted to do the same. I wish he would.

All around me I see those lowkey happy couples. My best friend ends an engagement and found someone better in no time. When’s it my time? I laugh at the single jokes by all my friends, but inside it makes me wanna die. To be in your 20’s is confusing enough. I don’t need subliminal messages.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

I feel like there’s not enough time in a day. Time passes so quickly. I remember being 14 wishing it would go faster, now I’m nearly 24 and wish it would slow down. I’ve lived 3 different life times already. This one seems to be the busiest. I feel like I’m missing out on the things I think about all the time. I work so much I have no time to build relationships, I have 2 hours past a proper bedtime that’s just me time and it’s getting sad now. I’m just tired and want to take a break. I want to travel, fall in love, explore, create memories with my friends. Instead I’m working over 60 hours, studying part time in a degree that seems like I’ll never achieve, living pay to pay worrying about paying debt.

I’ve worked so hard these last couple years. The person I am today is the version I wish I was back then. I’ve worked so hard healing, I’m not fully there but I’ve come such a long way. No one else could even take credit, I did it alone. Pulled myself out of things I didn’t even walk into. Never again will people walk on me, drag me, deceive me, use me. But I also feel so much further away from the things I crave the most. I’m always single but all I crave is love. But love has never been good for me. It’s always destroyed me. But I’ve worked so hard to fix my issues, to finally understand what I want and what I don’t. I’ve worked on cancelling out my toxic traits. But I also don’t have the energy to waste on people who can’t return it.

Took me this long to realize the only ones that matter are the ones that matter. Those who check in one th daily, those who always invite, those who are just nurture because you also nurture. I’ve always put everyone before me, made myself smaller. But that version of me is such an angry person on the inside. I’ve heard someone tell me I’m good at masking my BPD. But no one realizes how much control it takes to realize lashing out doesn’t solve it, doesn’t make me feel any better, doesn’t improve relationships. But behind the scenes is different. I’m just tired of wasting energy on people who don’t return it. So I stopped. Just cause I don’t try doesn’t mean I won’t care just prove you care. Maybe one day I’ll have all the things I dream of. A love I deserve, friends that are good, healthy family, not so much stress and worries. My health is declining again and I’m a little worried because the last time wasn’t good.

Just keep swimming.

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I think it’s wild how fast time flies by, just a moment ago I was 19 now I’m turning 24. Just a while ago we broke up, but really it’s been 2 years. What have I done within the last 2 years? I have no idea. I remember bits and pieces but for sure just feels hazy. Almost like a ghost walking through timelines. You had moved on quickly to forget me, I sat with it. I (tried) healing, think I’ve come pretty far but it seems no matter who the man was. I couldn’t replace you. 2 years later and not a day had passed where you weren’t on my mind. What am I to do? I’ve got bigger things to worry about. I guess our 20′s are supposed to be a whirlwind of figuring out who you are and what you’re supposed to do. Almost halfway through and I feel myself growing month after month, like every month I go through something, it changes my mindset. I used to wish for happiness but I now realize what I really need is peace, peace is eternal whereas happiness is momentarily. It took me so long to figure out what career I should be doing, I did it. I figured out my finances, I did it all without you so maybe we were meant to part, to work on all our issues we couldn’t do back then. I think it’s funny that after all this time we’re still active in eachothers lives, I just hate that its complicated. But I think I hate that everyone knows more. To still love someone is complicated, whether its admitted or not. But I will admit that I still love you and don’t think I am capable of forgetting how to. 

[everythings-as-it-seems]

Sometime get spooked when I realize I went from a 2x to a L but yet everytime I look in the mirror all I see is the 2x girl

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are you feeling this too?

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Things I’m currently sad about for no reason;

No man has ever bought me flowers

I’m too much and not enough at the same time

Always being the “fat” friend

My cat doesn’t love me

Losing a lot of weight but still seeing my old self in the mirror

Still feeling like the biggest thing in the world when I’m indeed not.

Being broke even though I make 3x my old paychecks working regulated hours

That I live in my parents basement

Guys only see me as fuckable but never dateable

The thought of having to go through another talking stage with a man

Being bloated and immediately thinking I gained back the weight

I don’t get high anymore cause my smoke🍃 tolerance is high

Growing up watching my parents not love eachother and finally really seeing it at my age as an adult

The idea that I do badly want to be loved but far too scared to in fear that if I marry someone they’ll fall out of love like my parents

I’ll become like my mom if I have kids

At the rate I’m going at I won’t make it to 30

My car windows aren’t tinted

I’m severely allergic to guinea pigs but they’re my favourite animals

I’m treated like an idiot at work cause my degree isn’t finished, but I spent 5 years working and going to school trying to get it

I’ve been on antidepressants for 8 years

That I was rushed a diagnoses at 13 cause I was suicidal and they decided to say I had MDD when in reality it’s more BPD/Bipolar and now can’t get proper treatment

That I wanted to die so badly and all my mother could do was tell me how big of a piece of shit I am for attempting 5 times

The loneliness that never goes away and the only time it was ever gone was with V, no one before him made it disappear either

That V ended up breaking my heart worse than anyone else

That I miscarried and I think about it all the time

That when I get in an upper mood I do too many reckless things without thinking and regret it when I’m calmed back down. Like being hyper sexual, over talking and sharing, spending all my money when I have bills, either overeating or forgetting to eat altogether

That I went through 2 hard drug phases and almost didn’t come out of them

That I almost died from an infected tooth spreading to my jaw, and spent almost a week in hospital alone cause covid and crying before surgery and the nurse telling me I’m gonna come back to her after and she’ll be right there

That my therapist now has my mom as a patient and now tries to push fixing our relationship

That my mom is the way she is even though I’ll always love her, sometimes just breaks my heart

I’ll probably die alone cause I’m not worth it to anyone, I’m worth it till they get me, after that it’s whatever

I wake up violently angry in the morning

I cry on my way to work and way home

Sometimes cry mid day in the staff bathroom and go back into the classroom where the 5 year olds couldn’t tell I’ve been crying

Not getting the breaks I’m entitled to and feeling so fucking burnt

Leaving one short staffed job to another short staffed job

All I want is peace

Always feeling the need to pack a bag and just drive somewhere far for a bit

[everythings-as-it-seems]

“But now I must confront my buried self.“  From Eastern Mennonite College’s 1966 yearbook.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

When the rain used to hit the glass door/window of my old bedroom as I was falling asleep.

The smell of rain after a bad thunder storm.

The dart parties we’d have at my old job with the old gang of smokers.

Seeing a beautiful sunset/sunrise.

Before everything went sour, when you pulled me aside and told me you loved me. Then slow danced with me off beat to Luke combs.

I miss the feeling of being up in the dark in the Daytona beach hotel, with the curtains opened a crack with the moon shining and the door opened a bit to hear the waves. If I could go experience that peace again even for a few hours I’d leave now. Cause for some reason in those moments all the problems seem to stop and the noise stops and the world is quiet

More moments of peace;

Those before bed smoke breaks when we’d sit across from eachother and time felt still, how you’d adore me, wait for me to finish my sesh and then we’d go snuggle up in bed.

When I’d be waiting for you to come home from work and the first thing you did when you came in was hug me like you did and kiss me.

Those early weekend morning timmies runs while everyone else was still asleep.

Seshing on my old bedroom balcony after work while everyone was asleep.

When we arrived at our destination but would still sit in your truck till the song was done playing.

Everytime you’d hug me.

Going out for a cigarette in the middle of the night while the city’s asleep.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

I’m conflicted and at peace at the same time.

I’m conflicted because I know you miss me but the shit you did was dirty.

I’m at peace because I got what I needed to understand.

I knew you loved me, I used to see it in the way you looked at me, the way you’d talk to me. I didn’t understand how you could go from loving to me to pushing me so far away.

I wanted to believe when you came back it would be different. But I knew otherwise and no one could convince me otherwise, because I’m always right about the feeling.

I truly believe you are my soulmate, we’re different people but the same. I never felt a love as unconditional as that felt. I would’ve walked to the edge of the universe for you. I never thought I’d ever see the day where I’d look at someone and just immediately know, but it was realer than anything I’ve ever felt before.

I’d like to hope we’re meant to be, but for now I’m just live my life. I won’t wait on you, you’ve got a lot of growing to do.

I hope you miss me sometimes.

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Nothings harder than talking to someone you loved hard and it’s quiet like seeing a ghost. So much had happened and my hearts very heavy now, Why’d you come back? Cause if you left again that’s it for me

[everythings-as-it-seems]

“With tears in my eyes I begged you to stay

You said ‘hey man I love you but no fucking way’”

Hits harder when you were finally the one to say “hey man I love you but no fuckinf way”. I wanted to stay but I knew I couldn’t, cause it would have been the end of me. I hope you miss me too sometimes.

[everythings-as-it-seems]

Most days I wish you’d call. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard your voice. I know if we were to see eachother face to Face I would probably break. You were the only home I ever knew and I hate it.

I’ve learned to move on and live without you. There’s no other option but to keep going but it doesn’t mean I’m not struggling everyday. Everyday I wish I was coming home to you again. Instead I remind myself someone else is coming home to you instead. But the last words you told me still replay in my head.

“Do you really see me marrying her?”

Like why wasn’t I good enough to have a relationship with? You saw me as a future wife but I wasn’t worthy enough to be your current girlfriend?

I know my worth and I know that I deserve someone who won’t second guess me but god did I ever fucking love you like no other.

Maybe one day when we’re both better people we’d be able to restart.