#idk its just very cool but i think i might be talking in circles im really tired

[wackywatchdotcom]

what intrigues me abt caines dynamic w the rest of the cast is the way that none of them seem to understand why he is the way he is. like not in the comedic sense but how they dont seem to have a clear concept of his motivations or anything of that sort

we havent seen toooo much of it. but we have seen how pomni, zooble, jax, ragatha, and gangle view him and its so fascinating

pomni is like. she doesnt understand what hes doing but seems to view his actions as malicious in some way. i dont think she sees him as a 'mean' person but with how she says she thinks he wants her to suffer its very illuminating of how she sees him as someone who wants all of them to hurt. i dont think she knows why he would, but its the only conclusion shes got. it also speaks to her distrusting nature that upon being hurt by him her first thought is that its an intentional decision to harm her, and unfortunately for caine she hasnt actually been given much of a reason to think he feels otherwise. i dont know how she thinks caine feels about them but its clear to me how she views his goals and hobbies for lack of a better term

zooble doesnt trust him. they find him to be annoying but more significant is that they KNOW he likes them all. it adds an interesting tone to how they see him, that they specifically say that whats 'holding caine back' is that he 'likes [them]', which on one hand is them interpretting caines actions as being done from a place of liking the players, and that his actions are coming from a place of NOT hurting them, because he likes them (its interesting to note that they have participated in less adventures, so its unclear how much they know abt caines adventures firsthand). but on the other hand is implying that they think caines holding himself back at all. that there IS a desire or a capability to be cruel that theyre wary of. theyve also seen caine at his most vulnerable (in the show itself at least) and their comment, 'whose therapy session is this again?' implies theyre at least aware that this is caine having his own problems, though i dont think theyre comfortable safety-wise with how these problems affect them and the others. them asking caine 'why did you think i would like that?' speaks to the idea that they do think hes genuinely trying to appeal to the players, but they seem to find his lack of understanding of the players frustrating and unsafe for all of them

jax i think is pretty vague since most of his lines to caine are brief, and the most telling line he has abt caine is the only one we have. but he seems neutral on caine as a whole. caine is just a guy who makes things for them. he tries to entertain them and thats all jax really seems to be concerned with- whether his 'its not in his nature' line is reflective of him genuinely Believing that is smth i see debated often but i think no matter what, it conveys that jax Generally sees caine as someone who isnt malicious. hes not trying to hurt them, and whether or not he thinks caine is capable of hurting them is whats more vague. either way, jax doesnt seem to like or dislike caine

ragatha has very mimimal interactions with caine and not many lines about him, but i think her line in the pilot, 'thats just one of caines little adventures. theyre just something fun to do to, yknow, prevent us from going insane,' is extremely telling of how she sees caine. of all of them, she seems to have the most positive view of caine, since she interprets his actions as an active attempt to stave off abstraction in the players. whether or not she thinks caine is acting from a place of wanting to stop disruptions or if he wants to ensure the players arent doing as unwell as they could IS up for debate though. the way she talks about him in the pilot in general reads like she has some level of trust in him, but it seems like a surface level trust in him at the worst- she knows hes not malicious and knows he wants to help. she knows he can help her when shes jumbled. but its not clear if she Likes him. she seems to enjoy the adventures though (which, ill keep it brief so i dont derail this, but it honestly reads like a deliberate parallel writing-wise that the two of them both seem fond of distractions as an acceptable solution to a bad situation- if her assessment of Why he makes the adventures is anything to go by)

gangle is harder to read on this front, as she has way less lines about him, though she does have multiple notable interactions with him in ep 4, in the way of her seeming genuinely enthusiastic about his adventure (it doesnt seem completely directed at him, but she seems genuinely a bit happy about his praise of her leadership skills). when she calls him it doesnt convey TOO much i dont think but the way she talks to him and requests he make a punishment could imply she doesnt think hed normally make one, but also that hes not opposed to it, which is confusing in what it means about how she sees him but it feels important. her interaction with him at the end of the episode also doesnt convey much in this way (i feel like caine is not the main focus of most of that scene- which works for the scene and is good writing wise bc the scenes important for gangles writing of her own problems, but in terms of breaking down this idea it means im not sure this scene conveys much about how she sees him)

and then. i didnt mention kinger at the beginning specifically bc i dont think we have... almost any indicators of how he sees caine. he tells caine abt kaufmo in ep 1, suggests caine could find pomni in ep 2, doesnt address the thing pomni says abt caine in ep 3, and even his suggestion in ep 4 to sit out the adventure doesnt convey almost anything. the only throughline is that kinger sees caine as someone who can help them if they ask, but it doesnt convey any thoughts on what he thinks caines motivations are or his thoughts on caines actions. which frankly reads like a deliberate choice when kinger should be the one with the most history with caine

this post is long but i just am bery intrigued by this. i thinka ll the character dynamics are so deeply fascinating but with caine being the closest the show has to an antagonist (which of course is a loaded statement but i mean it in the writing sense and not in the 'antagonist is evil' way) it means that the way the characters see him holds a lot of weight. it conveys a lot abt them all with how they interpret the person that has (at least on the surface) the most control over the situation

[aiyexayen]

you NEED to tell me all your thoughts and the bts process of Everything You‘re Not Supposed To Do. and i know youre dabbling in a sequel so probably more like tell me Everything that has to do with this verse!!!! i NEED to know!!! the idea of this fic is so unique, i havent seen it anywhere else before! and its ingredients are so precisely and carefully mixed (as all your rarepairs are!) that im astonished its not ,, canon ,,

its such a cool set-up! lqq joining tianchuang, lqq seeking out siji manor years after qin huaizhang teaches her his disguise skills but finding an abandoned estate, han ying going from wariness to desire and affection for lqq! everything thats going on with zzs in the background and that we dont get to see!!!!!!! there are two moments of this AU that are burned into my mind���one is lqq reflecting on her own disappointment at finding what she hoped to maybe become her new home abandoned, the other is zzs realizing he has been outsmarted and giving in to his fate. idk why but these two moments moved me very deeply. the image of lqq taking qhz up on his invitation, but too late. finding only withered grounds, empty houses, dust. and then zzs surrendering to the fact that he has been outsmarted. that his two disciples turned what he taught them against him, that he lost because he, too, is human. the only reason they could outsmart him in the first place being that he let them so close to him, that he underestimated what he means to them, what they are ready to do for him. eugh!!!!! so good!!!

please ramble! i loved reading your thoughts re: The Only Place You Wanna Be! <3

ooouhoohoohooheehee i love this fic (Everything That You're Not Supposed To Do) and thinking about it and talking about it.

starting by dragging a point over from ao3 about having a difficult time believing zhou zishu would go that far in some of the scenes! because i actually had such a fascinating time myself playing with just how far i thought zhou zishu would go. how far would he push liu qianqiao and han ying? how hard would he make them work? as his lovers? as his subordinates? as the sole occupants of the venn diagram where those two circles overlap in such a complicated way. they're so *entangled.*

zhou zishu, of the infamously soft heart. zhou zishu, who knows this about himself and becomes colder and harder to compensate. zhou zishu, who murdered an innocent family down to the servants, down to a little girl he *knew* and cared about. zhou zishu, who drugged his san-shidi to keep him out of the way during that mission--to keep him safe from it--to keep him safe from the worst of tian chuang--to keep him safe from zhou zishu himself.

and i feel like the zishu in this story does a lot to keep both his family and his lovers out of the depths of his business, but while his family/sect he'll do more to protect, he *needs* his lovers to be able to protect themselves.

he'll go harder on them than anyone else because he needs them to be *the best*--no mistakes. no way they can be his weakness and vice versa.

or, at least, that's what liu qianqiao would tell you.

but a very delightful bit of ambiguity i have in this particular fic is pov. we never get zhou zishu's pov. *is* he so ruthless? how many backup plans on backup plans does he have? is he in the shadows after all, waiting to swoop in if they need him? does he retain much awareness and empathy for their humanity? has his own human fallibility projected inhuman standards on them to make himself feel safe, and it simply hasn't backfired yet? is it some jumbled mix of the above?

and! i love that we will never know. that, truthfully, we don't even need to.

anyway! all that was a big part of the bts process, sitting with zishu's character and his headspace in tian chuang, sitting with my pov characters and how i wanted to play with this perspective on it all.

and of course, as always, thinking about liu qianqiao. the idea that a choice that in another au might have been kinder to her than gui gu--to study further under qin huaizhang among the blossoms of siji shanzhuang--ends up merely being complicated in a different way.

something that still requires her to become the best at what she does, rise in the ranks, thrive in danger, make a home only out of the people she can trust.

going to gui gu ought to have her letting go of her obsessions and hurts, but it was never really good at what it wanted to be good at, this concept of second chances missing the mark with its meng po tang, and so it only let her steep in her hurts longer and let her grudges fester. meanwhile this other path both took her further away from the jianghu and required her to actually deal with her shit besides. there was enough of qin huaizhang's legacy, especially in some of the older members of siji shanzhuang that were definitely still around when she joined, to make that true.

i also like to think that in essence liu qianqiao's original choice set her up for more success, too.

in canon, in choosing to become a ghost, she chose to die in a sense, to stop living, but to become a ghost--a permanently frozen echo of the life she had lived up to that point, of the things that killed her.

because humans be human, she went on to still form relationships and find new purpose to an extent. but she didn't necessarily actively expect or want to, and her very identity as a ghost required her to always have the clinging cobwebs of her past laid over everything she did and planned and wanted.

but in choosing to go after qin huaizhang, she was *choosing* to live. she decided that she still had the capacity to be a person, to heal, to find meaning in living. and even if that road took her first to disappointment and then to tian chuang of all places, it still took her somewhere. and she was ready to embrace whatever it was she found.

i have a fondness for canon liu qianqiao and her role as yan gui and her relationship with luo fumeng and xie-wang and her tortuous journey through the weeds with yu qiufeng, trying to sort out and settle these matters that weighed on her too long in her state of self-imposed death.

but i'm also *so* compelled by a liu qianqiao, with all her passion and ambition and cleverness and *care*, who chose to live in that one crucial moment instead. and i just wanted very badly to see her reaction to and influence on a zhou zishu who was rapidly approaching his own choice on that matter.

anyhow! i am indeed working on a sequel to this fic. i haven't fully decided if i want to try another 5+1 things format for it, or if i want to explore zhou zishu's pov as well, or what.

but it will pick up right where the first one leaves off, with all the dramatic fallout of liu qianqiao's plan.

here's hoping it doesn't take too long to actually write 😅

[hopefully-nightly-doodles]

I don’t really post vent art here but I decided I o post this one cuz well… Honestly it’s mostly cuz I can’t sleep and have a lot of thoughts circling my head right now…

Vent hidden just incase people don’t wanna get depressed reading my wall of text sndbdj

I used to talk a lot in my twitter and I do have a priv that I had posted this vent art on weeks ago but idk- Twitter has become such a toxic space its hard to be active there even in my private account. Well actually its hard to be active anywhere for me, but if you’re a long time follower you probably already know that. I’m a hermit, and very much an introvert with a weird social battery. Every time someone tells me they think I was an extrovert I always get so confused by it-

I don’t even know where I’m going with this or if it will ever see the light of day, but it can’t hurt to try and process feelings right?

Im not going to go into detail on to what made me draw this or the full extent of what’s been happening cuz its complicated as fuck- But I can try and dissect how I’ve been feeling or at least try to. For the past month or maybe more I’ve been tipping back and forth on my mental health, and at the end of May the scales finally tipped over for the worst and I did something so fukin stupid. It was a snap instant regret kinda moment and I knew I fucked up big time. While yes, there were outside things that happened and build up turmoil months prior that got me to that point of mental deterioration before the snap, its on me to have let myself get that bad in the first place.

I should have taken more breaks when I knew I was pushing myself constantly, draining myself constantly. I should have been more firm with my boundaries whenever I mentioned them and should have been better at communicating the hurt and stress and pressure thats been building up before it all came crashing down.

People always say “love yourself before you love others”, and on a logical and fundamental level I always understand why. At least I think I do… But to deeply understand what it actually meant I knew I only had, at best, a foggy grasp of it. And since what’s happened recently I kinda get a little why now. People who are hurt will always end up hurting other people when that hurt is ignored or not properly processed.

And thats what happened to me. I hurt someone I really cared about and I feel gross and unbelievably disappointed in myself for it.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try to be better for others or to be there for people and be kind and supportive to them. Those acts of service and kindness, tho genuine, isn’t going to fill the hole in your heart that you aren’t giving that kind of support to yourself. It’s so self destructive and will leave you to grow bitter from the inside out. And thats why it was so hard to see, and why I didn’t notice till it was too late. Cuz on the outside I look and acted fine, but inside i was deteriorating so much that I got to a point I couldn’t not see it anymore. And in a desperate cry for help I tried to open about it and explain int the worst way possible up but snapped, crossed a boundary I shouldn’t have then ran away.

And I don’t mean snap like get angry, I meant like snap as in I had a mental break that led to the worst tunnel visioned, impulsive fueled action afterwards. Its so hard for me to get genuine angry at people and when I do I walk away to cool down. I at least have some comfort knowing I didn’t unleash burning hot fury on someone cuz I think I might actually puke if I get to that point. That I have become that kind of person. But anger isn’t the only way you can hurt someone and I feel like what I did was kinda worse then plain anger.

Since that happened I just been away from almost everything. I mean I know isolation isn’t the solution so I kept a couple of friends close to have a support system to help me through this. But I did it to think and process everything that happened and has happened before hand that led to that point. And I haven’t just been overthinking and sulking and mopping in the mess I made because honestly who does that help really? I guess that’s what lead me here, to making a tumblr post on my dump account at 7am in the morning. To pick apart my feelings and toss it into the void.

Well that and 2 other reasons… That part where I was talking about being disgusted by myself? Yeh well thoughts of me “erasing myself form the equation�� and just snipping connections left and right had pop up in my head more times that in has ever been recently. Cuz you know if ***I’m*** the problem then haha I probably wouldn’t be missed then!

But then two people check up on me and like I shit you not I started crying on the spot. Actually sobbing (but not too loud cuz I can’t cry in this house hold) because oh wow not everyone hates me. Like yes I had my support system and they are doing gods work, they are lovely beautiful human beings and love and adore them! but it’s different when someone you weren’t expecting checks up on you, to know you occupy a space in their head and to hear and see that they cared enough about you to check.

One of them was a friend from a new more recent friend group I had been in when I joined a new fandom. Me and that person hadn’t been particularly close nor talked too much but I loved their company whenever we did get the chance. I wish I talked more to them but time zones and my own social anxiety kinda prevented that so that is something to work on. And the 2nd one was from an old friend I kinda drifted away from a lil, cuz again I moved fandoms, but was very close with. They have absolutely no clue about my current situation but actually checked up on me cuz of uh… The territorial tension between China and the Philippines hdkdbsjsb. It was so out of nowhere and unexpected like they didn’t even have my alt discord to message me but they found a way so I was kinda just super touched-

And those two interactions plus my awesome friends who have been a great support system, that keep me centered and grounded. Im reminded that people do care and that one mistake doesn’t make me scum of the world no matter how loud my toxic thoughts screams it at me. Especially not when I am trying to be better and recognize the mistakes I made and even apologized before taking my break from most my contacts. No one has even called me that but myself cuz Im so quick to be hard on myself for any mistakes.

All I can do now is keep myself centered, allow myself to feel my complicated feelings and process them in a healthy manner, do my best to be better moving forward, and to be patient with myself and move at my own pace.

Hey if you got this far into reading, wow you must have a lot of free time! /lh jdkdjdhdjdhd-

That or you’re just really interested in how I’ve been. I’ve been called mysterious, aloof and hard to read before so maybe you wanted to know what actually goes on upstairs lol.

But either way here’s a little something for reading I guess. The words in the vent art is actually lyrics and this was the song I was listening too when I was making it. Additionally if you’re feeling sad and need a song to listen to try this, it helps me process emotions. Either way if you happen to stumble on this, I hope you get something form this and that you have a nice day.

[evellys--blog]

lol haven’t posted in a while, I got some new thoughts going around I just kinda wanted to share :/

Now one, I’m losing hope quick that Jasmine has any chance of winning. I fully support voting for her still, but a, she’s still way off cost-wise for the ballots, so unless she summons like 500k soon shes going to have to drop out, which I def understand that rant at the end of the last live there, bc I want her to run, and to win!! but then b, I feel like ppl are both confused abt her policies and/ or just won’t vote for her, which is also sad and kinda tied into the prev problem :/

Also, two ig, I feel just straight up dissolutioned with politics and philosophy. Like I had this talk with my friend abt politics and it almost made me give up this art project I was doing, then I talked with another friend and I felt lucid again, but it’s just like, annoying thinking through things, esp with the last thing I was researching, rabbit-holing lol, was accelerationism, but specifically Mark Fisher’s whole line of thought and anti-hauntology and all that, and it just came back to an idea of solidarity essentially, within consciousness. I wrote this crazy 4k word memoir-essay-analysis-email to about my highschool life, a fanfic I was working on, and the books this guy wrote I was addressing, Matt Colquhoun, after reading his books, and it felt incredibly lucid and it’s probably the best piece I’ve ever written, I might post it some day but it’s very personal and kinda only works w the context between me and the guy, idk. Anyways, the point is that I read all those books, I almost read Libidinal Economy, the most depressing book ever lol, and thought through all this stuff, and like I put it in the email I wrote, because of the social position I was in, but then I just came back to the same fucking conclusion. It’s so annoying to do all this fucking research and do all this, seemingly profound, thinking, all to come back to the same fucking thing. Like yes, capitalism is evil and Lovecraftian, like there’s not arguing at this point, like we need community we need friendship we need fucking resources for life, but like the whole fucking world jus keeps going rightward and powers at be fuck is over over and over again, all the art we see is saying “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT” and “STOP STOP STOP” and in some cases even how to fucking do it. And it is doing something, I do see a shift, a leftward shift, and it seems to be impactful, like people at my school speaking out about Palestine, people online, at least cool people, all that, and all the Breadtube and stuff, analyzing that art, showing people to the revolution. But like, I’m tired of explaining the same shit over and over, I’m tired of our fucking diagnostic relationship with capitalism, I’m tired of feeling like I’m preaching to the choir whenever I speak and nothing changes. It’s like, where the fuck is the action? Where can I fucking do anything?

I just started this (mostly native) food forest garden in my backyard bc I have the space, and I’m going to start getting them in more communal parks and rec areas if I can, in an effort to get the right of food out for free as much as possible. I was thinking of staying local in my state for college, but with Kamala or Trump getting elected? I feel like this fucking country is fuckin doomed. I do fuckin hope it falls, but if it’s by its own contradictions, it’s bringing everyone down with it, and it is already. What do I fucking do?

I keep fucking talking in circles, it’s coming back to why i was going to read Libidinal Economy, its thesis has to do with the lack of any true ‘unalienated’ Outside. I don’t want to keep fucking talking in circles. I don’t want to keep talking in circles.

The only hope I see in this world for anything is if the Palestinian movement is successful, and at this rate im not even sure if it will (we have to persist until it is!). FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE FREE PALESTINE

[not-equippedforthis]

AWWWW wish we had heart-shaped lollies, those sound so cute akghskga yay for bouquet!! <33

you have to pay even if you dont go?? what the hell?? most of ours are mandatory, specifically the subject-specific ones, but some (like the skii trip) are optional and open to everyone. if you cant go you dont have to pay i dont think? idk what happens if you dont go actually

ayyyy free ticket! i feel you though, theres nothing to really? see? i feel like there used to be a big movie to see every year but now almost everything in the cinema feels really dull. last time i went was to see across the spiderverse (THAT MOVIE IS INCREDIBLEEE) and super mario bros cause there was a cheap deal and a friend invited me along. we usually just buy snacks from tesco and sneak them in cause its cheap LMAO (why is theater food so expensive?? im not paying 5 quid for a bag of popcorn)

ohh man, im sorry to hear that. it sucks when everyone feels like theyre drifting away :[[ i have a pretty close circle but even that feels smaller and weaker lately - people are going with their SOs or just finding other people. its difficult :/

yesss, true: theyre simultaneously harder and easier to maintain i feel. im in a server of online friends that used to be really lively but now its honestly kinda dead: we still talk sometimes but it was so much more active a few years ago :[

!!! <33333

AAAAA thats such a good idea!! i should start taking pictures too! ive been really wanting to make friends with crows for ages now? theyre very intelligent and remember your face and sometimes bring you things, id adore having a little crow friend. shame is theres not very many on my street or garden :[ theres a little robin that comes to our garden often though! maybe if i see the guy i can get a photo

aaaaahhh, i see i see. for us you pick your destination anywhere and it prices based on that? theres different train companies but its roughly all the same really. london is split into zones, and you buy a travelcard based on which zone youre going into and that also accounts for the tube line. its pretty expensive too but i looveee the underground and trains so i love taking them (when i have the money....)

SAMEE!! a large portion of my closet comes from charity shops: i just have better luck finding stuff i like there? also, sustainable!! i got a really cheap little kalimba from a charity store recently :]] you can find so many silly little trinkets its great! i have experience w crochet and basic sewing but ive never made clothing before, that sounds really cool!! ive considered it

MOTION SICKNESS GANG i feel you, i cant sit backwards on trains or i feel sick and i cant read in cars either akgbsng. also god yeah theyre LOUUDD. if you ever visit london prepare yourself for the victoria tube line (its light blue on the map). you cant carry a conversation with the person next to you cause the entire tube is screeching at you

BIG HOMODJFZ godddd, england has some of the worst place names too. theres a set of roads called 'upper dicker' and 'lower dicker'. if you look on google maps at england for 2 minutes youll find at least one town with a stupid ass name. wooden overcoats made up an island called 'piffling' home to 'piffling vale' and if that isnt the most accurately british-

im gonna have to look up big homo on google maps later- i gotta see how small this thing is. as a brit i am accustomed to tiny shitty ass beaches. i actually dont know much about belgium to be honest (my only....association with it is that poirot is belgian....thats it really) so i might have a little nosey around to see what its like <33 i love faffing about on google maps its my favourite wasting time activity DJBGSG

hiya <3

how are ya? i like the new theme :)

i cant really think of another question to ask rn, so just tell me about anything you want? (or not if you dont feel like it ofc)

HELLOO!! <333333

thank you so much!! i love changing it around skfbsng

iii have been incapable of talking without mentioning wooden overcoats (new podcast i started listening to a week ago and have almost finished) because its so underrated and silly and heartfelt and hilarious and charming AUGH i love it so deaaarlyyyy it ssooosoosso

how have you been??? i also cant think of questions FJGBSN but i want to know anything