#idk im just. im doing so much better. i dont wanna kms for the first time in 13 years

[eddie-rifff]

im down to taking 3 psych meds daily from 5. i think thats good. there was a point where i really needed all 5 but i think i really just need an ssri and maybe something for anxiety on top of that. currently im on an ssri, a mood stabilizer (which i never needed to begin with...), and an snri. i was prescribed the mood stabilizer almost 10 years ago because i was misdiagnosed as bipolar II when in hindsight they should have diagnosed me with autism (what i described and my doc thought was bipolar mania was just autistic excitement) but like whatever. anyway i am on that and i really dont think i need to be but the last time i tried going off of it it was pretty bad. i was at 225 mg and i went down to 200 which was ok but then i went down to 175 and my mood was, well, really unstable. so i went back up to 200 where ive been for idk 7 years. so now im like dependent on this drug i didnt need in the first place. i dont like taking drugs that i dont need to be on u know. i also dont think the snri is really doing much but at least that was for a legit diagnosis.

[am3ricanj3sus]

every tc i have had

okay this is like kinda chronological but also kinda not cause its when i noticed them not the grade they particularly teach.

edit: i lied this is chronological order.

mr. mh

okay starting with my first ever tc omg this is so crazy.

my 7th and 8th grade english teacher

he lowkey made me hate english ngl cause we wouldnt read like books books we read and analyzed a lot of articles lowkey pissed me off

one time he got mad at me cause he thought i had gum in my mouth but it was just wax for my braces that i started chewing on cause i didnt wanna spit it out cause it lowkey was minty

he just omg... okay my 8th grade ass should not have been thinking about him the way i was

like he wasnt tall by anymeans but he had like a husky build. like okay lumberjack. he wore so many fucking flannels omgggggg.

hes a millenial so like...harry potter nerd to the maxxxx. also like he has a freaking beard and ugh he made it work he was literally sooooooooooo.

i was shy back then so i didnt really talk to him but he was nice and like one time i fell asleep in his class on zoom and he like stayed in the call and when i woke up i was like SHITTTTTT. i think my mic was on when i did that but like whateverrrrr

hes the biggest nerd ever

okay next

mr.bell

okay second tc everrrr

my 7th grade math teacher OMG WHY WAS I SO YOUNG WTFFFF PRETTY LITTLE LIARS WHAT DID U DO TO MEeeeeeeeee.

okay so like i have always hated math but we did khan academy soooooo like made my life super easy i cheated ngl.

OMG HE ugly asf looking back why tf el sol let me like that. what evaaaaaaa

he was so skinny like bones and he was pale like okay jack skellington howd u get here tffff

OMG HE WAS SO TALL TO LIK 6'4 LIKE OKAY FUCKKKKKK

he was really nice to me bc i sucked at math sooo like yeah im goat

i wrote fan fiction about this guy im gonna kms

it was fire tho. no tf it wasnt

okay next i cant thinkn aboout him anymore

mr. dua

okay my freshman year english teacher....

i like never really said anything about him. idk maybe its just cause he was old and nice to me.

he always encouraged meeeee

i was his best student #sorrynotsorryteacherspetforever

he was like around maybe 6'1???? he was taller than me thats what matters!!!!

okay intermission was taken had to blow my nose

anyways he was just like... idk he was just giving father. like in a freaky way.

he wasnt ugly he actually was handsome even with that fuck ass lazy eye.

other than dat i didnt learn shit in that class

next!!!!

mr. fuck ass hoe

okay this mf i hate this mf i hated him when i took his class i hate him now.

I HATE CHEM!!!! AND HE DIDNT MAKE IT ANY FUCKING BETTER!!!!!!!!! MADE IT SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE IM GONNNAAAAAA.

he was like nerd tho. not hot but just smart that makes u attractive cause ur smart. he was tall too. and my fav baddie nationality which i wont say thats too much might as well tell u when he graduated (1998)

like he was so fucking smart that it made me angry and i wanted to hate fuck him.

AND HE IS A SHIT TEACHER? TFFFF like hes so smart that like you have to go up to him and ask him to dumb it down and he'll be like "i dont get what you dont get"

also like oh boy oh boy this school year with him im soo angerrrrrrrrr. but whatever u a bitch.

iid still fuck him tho dont get me wrong.

NEXT!!!!!

mr. not so professional

well. wow another english teacher shocker woowww.

he was a shit teacher i learned nothing he was just hot.

like the only good part about that class was to kill a mockingbird and like other than that like what were we doing.

i mean it was his first (and last) year at our school soooo...

but he was hella baddie. kinda short but well built and like had greatttt hairrr.

one time he showed up to class with like a hickey on his neck and its was kinda like... oh wow okay freak...get freaky with me

i dont really know where he is now? probably teaching somewhere else who knows idc.

WHOS NEXT!!!

mr. c

oi oi oi... the man that started this blog... my baby daddy...my pookie... my baseball player...

okay but like ive never even had his class tf.

honestly i dont even rember how this one started. like one day i just noticed him around campus and was like OOOOOO THATS ONE.

like i think its simply cause he a man. and older than me. and has a job. and like it hot.

hes really nice tho hes such a cutie. like he hasnt done anything wrong yet... lets keep it that way...

i can count on one hand how many times ive talked to him this is humiliating

one time he said he liked my sweater i mean it was like my halloween costume and like i mean yeahhh it was intentionally picked out with him in mind so... yeah.... MY PLAN WORKED!!!

hes just llike sooo. hes tall but not too tall. hes like built but not like shredded gym rat like soft and defined enough. his hair eh... idk what he does like i think he has curls but like he keeps them super jelled it makes me mad. he has facial hair like okay lets turn it from black to ginger alrighttt ahhhhh tongue sticking out emoji. that was freaky guys wait

over all hes just great. a great charismatic guy. a great charismatic older than me and like kinda awkward guy

honorable mentions:

mr rah rah

mr gym rat

okay thats all dont rat me out.

[midnighteloquence]

den

…

im gonna kms

this hasnt been saved

for the THIRD FUCKING TIME

okay lets do it again i guess fucking bitch i had such good writing in here

heres my code names up to date i guess 🙄

(leaving A out til the end :3)

Friend B: i will never have anything negative to say about her. shes literally in the top three list of people i love. shes the reason im still here. shes my day oner frfr. im so glad she pointed out my bag that one day two years ago, because idk where i’d be if i wasnt her friend. being friends with her has brought me so many other people, so much of my personal development, and in general shes just amazing. not to mention shes so pretty. she makes school actually bearable. in the morning i’ll be pissed off about waking up and she’ll pick a crane fly off the wall or smth and my mood is immediately lifted. i love her with my whole heart

Friend C: oh boy where do i start

the main subject of this rant blog. every other rant on this blog is about him. i will admit that there was a time i liked him. but that was before we even knew each other. it all started going wrong when we became friends.

i admired them because in my eyes they seemed cool. we shared similar “alternative” interests, and they had so many stories to share. but now? i wish i could stop myself from being their friend. i hate their guts, i admit that, but maybe theres a different universe out there where i could like them. where they didnt hug me non consensually, or verbally attacked me as a “joke” (because of how much they love me 🥺), or made sexual jokes about me, or would ask repeatedly for things instead of accepting i said no, or lied pathologically, or did anything of the sort. but thats not this universe, and so in this one i can have and express that i dont like them and theyre a terrible human being. i hope you burn, but i also used to like you.

got melodramatic there whoopsies

Friend D: i admired them alongside C. ironic how admiring people from afar caused them to be terrible people. i hadnt noticed D’s red flags until a couple weeks ago, where i was properly educated, and now im pissed off. theyre scum to me. not in degrading way, theyre a genuine terrible human being. which is such a pity since they seemed like such a reasonable person. did not seem like the typa person to do these typa things (i have a rant here explaining). oh well, ill live. i barely talked to them anyways. theyll stick to thinking theyre not the problem, and ill stick to ranting about them in my tumblr posts.

Friend E: blast from the past wowoowowowowowiw

i was close to them like last year summer, but dropped them ages ago this year. i had my reasons, and obviously made sure that i told them my reasons instead of just leaving because i knew that was the right thing. tbh? idr what half of those reasons were. im sure most were reasonable, but also i was extremely petty back then. nowadays i dont rlly care for them. im neutral. like if they chatted to me i would be fine with it and chat back, but i dont wanna be their friend. and its fine because they understand that and dont wanna be mine either. its the first breakup (friend breakup) ive had that ends with communication instead of leaving on read.

Friend F: yippee some positive sprinkle in yo life! i dont talk to her often but shes so cool and admirable as a human being and generally really bubbly and fun. shes the reason i ever found out im autistic! which thank you for that. they dropped D for their mental health and that’s soooo admirable and respectable of them. i admire them from afar and wish we talked more. even if we arent in the same friend group anymore, i still think theyre neat!

And finally…

Friend A: a bitch /j

okay okay for serious they are the reason im alive. im not exaggerating when i say you saved me. youre an actual angel (if not a wholeass goddess) sorry im dumping a “if not for you id be dead!” thing whoops. NEWays she makes my life and school life so much better and is so entertaining to talk to. not to mention pretty like??? im going to actually confess here and now that there were a couple times i needed you to repeat what you said because all i was thinking about is “how can someone be this pretty?” /gen /ily /p

bulleting holes- points because you did so >:3

the most creative mf on the planet when it comes to plotlines, lore, character designs. AND THEN YOU STILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE MORE PLOTLINES AND CHARACTERS???? insane dude

your make actual schedules which is maddening considering i cant even think of what im having for dinner

pretty…

hilarious because why you got me giggling and kicking my feet at your texts

CAN SOMEHOW PUT UP WITH ME YAPPING

super duper duper passionate about interests >:3

distance

science is so boring without you come back…

your remarks are so funny man like genuinely how do you come up with stuff like that on the spot

i lovevevevvrvevevevvevevvevec your clothing style ahhhh im gonna steal your clothes

i love you

thats a bullet point

ily man never forget 🤙

I think thats it! (i excluded mario, friend 1 & 2 because cba)

bye bye if tumblr doesnt save this im loading a glock

[rotting-sun]

Would anyone even miss me. Am i even worth that.

My gf is bored of me. My friends only reach out when theres no one else to talk to.

What if i do it? I dont think theyd even care. They would probably be better off.

My feelings are such a burden. I am such a burden. If i kms im sure it would be a favor to them. They’d finally have a weight off their shoulders.

I’m boring and pathetic and every bad human trait there is. I am fundamentally unloveable. Everyone is only with me because they pity me. My gf is friends with so many other people. So many interesting people. So many pretty people. Better than me. Idk why she doesnt just. Break up w me and get w them. She says shes “in love” w people all the time so. I should kms and then she wouldnt have to feel bound to me. I could amke her life easier. Simpler. I wouldn’t be stuck to her.

She probably thinks i’m so annoying. All i do is tell her how much i love her. All i do is talk to her. All day. Im so fucking clingy. She probably so sick of me. So sick of everything i do and am. She probably regrets ever wanting to be w me. And i dont blame her.

I dotn want her to hurt me. Ik on some level that im probably being dramatic rn. Ik that. But ik shes going to get bored eventually. She gonna get sick of how sick i am. Of all of my issues. Shes not gonna find me interesting anymore. I’m gonna drive her away and it’ll be no one’s fault but my own. Ik im not worth staying for. She’ll find someone better. She’s already said shes in love w one of her online friends. Ik she meant it as a joke. Platonic. Whatever tf. But it doesn’t feel like that. She thinks that girl is so much prettier than me. I know that. She probably is. I don’t even compare. I’m not worth anything. I dont deserve anything. She deserves so much more than me and she knows ut too. Shes gonna leave and theres nothing i can do to stop it. I am nothing. Pathetic. Ugly. Worthless. A coward. How much of a coward do u have to be to not be able to pull the trigger when u WANT to. How much?

She didn’t even tell me she loved me back this morning. But she would txt the gc we’re both in. It’s not that hard to shoot off an ily. Anything. An acknowledgment. I dont want to feel invisible. Not to her. Shes supposed to pick me. I’m supposed to be her #1. I don’t understand. Shes supposed to love me. I’m supposed to mean smth to her. Right? She’s supposed to want me with her. Why am I always the last choice? Why do I always get chosen last? Why am I not worthy of love and attention when other people are? What makes me so bad? Why can’t I stop being me for a little while? I just wanna know what it’s like. To be above everyone else for someone. To be worth smth to someone. I just want to be someone’s first; I wanna be someone’s person. Their favorite. I want reciprocation. Why do I always get the short ebd of the stick. I don’t understand. WHAT DID I FUCKING DO TO DESERVE TO BE SO GODDAMN UNLOVEABLE. WHAT DID I DO AND HOW TF DO I FIX IT. Please.

It just. Hurts. Everything hurts. I don’t want it to hurt anymore. I want it to be over. I don’t wanna have to feel anything anymore. I wanna be done. It’s too much and it’s painful. My emotions feel like third degree burns. And no one gets it. They can’t. And they don’t care anyways. I deserve to be shot in tje head.

I don’t deserve to be here anyway. I know god hates me. It’s okay tho. I get it. Just wish he would do smth abt it.

[qqtahng]

im going to put some octo2 thoughts here now that i’ve had time to digest it. there will be spoilers

overall i think i liked octo2 as a game more than 1. im sad they (understandably) changed some (kinda broken) mechanics from the first game (sp steal/share on thief and tomahawk nerf..............), but we got some great qol updates, like no more purple chests and the hunter’s monster system got LEAGUES better. all the jobs got more powerful overall despite them nerfing some aspects (i dunno if like a 1.5/1.5 turn kill on galdera was possible in the first game....... insane), the new parts were so fun to use (vengeful blade!!!!!!! arcanist as a whole!!! aaa!!!)

the music and art too oh my goddd. i didnt think it could get better but somehow it DID and i just. its amazing, aesthetically, on all fronts. yasunori nishiki could tell me to kms rn and i would. gladly. for all the work he put into the ost. just, chefs kiss. i dunno what else to say.

love love love the new travelers tho. they’re all very colorful and whlie i do like some more than others (hi tem, hi castti) i cant say i actively dislike any of them. thats not much different from the first game.

the writing was overall more enjoyable than 1 too imo, tho i dont get why they had the split route thing when they had progression recommendations for them anyway and it ended up being like... not much of a choice. the crossed paths were really nice. it would’ve been a Lot of work but i wish we had one for every combination of traveler rip. throne and tems was so good tho, definitely my fave of the bunch.

that aside im not gonna lie, i did not vibe w hikari partitio or agnea’s stories very much.

hikari’s story i think just did not fit the 5 chapter format very well. it felt really rushed to me and like it didnt have much depth to it. it was serviceable but didnt feel exciting to me.

paritio’s was... idk it felt a little repetitive?? hes a funny guy i like him but i think his goals were just a little too mundane and also global to be very interesting. like compare “i wanna get rid of poverty” to “im on a journey to unravel the mystery of who i once was”. like one of those is more intriguing and believable :/

agnea’s just felt way too low stakes compared to everyone else’s. i did see someone point out that the game might’ve felt a little too dark without it, which is... fair?? i guess?? the first game was also pretty dark it just took a little while longer to see compared to like, half the cast having a murder happen in their ch1. anyway, my girl just did not have an interesting story arc. it was all “i wanna be FAMOUS” without very many trials and tribulations tbh. not enough character struggle for me personally.

the final chapter was interesting. it was really cool to see everyone band together narratively to fight vide. mechanically, i also thought vide’s fight was cool as shit. all 8 on the field at once!! wow!! i do think the first game tied everyone in to the Big Bad better tho. bc like, wtf are u doing making fucking *npcs* the relevant ones from agnea and partitio’s stories?? like even in the first game the traveler’s that had weak ties to galdera’s revival were still like... idk it was still *them* and it was formative to their characters?? we have a reason to like graham via alfyn, and a reason as to why hes important via tressa, arguably 2 of the most indirect ties to galdera in 1 imo--graham also inspired alf to save others, and his journal eventually helped tressa learn the value of things that arent contemporarily accepted as treasure. idk i also felt like ori’s personality switch was so last minute. same for tanzy’s backstory tho the tragedy as to why she would follow through makes more sense. neither of them really had any impact on their respective traveler’s character either. like they didnt do anything to change their goals or personality. very weak.

i also dont know wtf was up w that alfred hornburg thing. like hello??? wtf are YOU doing here sir, u have gone and messed up my placing of the game in the series timeline/universe

but yeah. that last little bit of negativity aside, octo2 kinda just does what the first one did but better in most aspects. great game would recommend if u played the first. if the first didnt vibe w u, maybe would rec if u didnt vibe w the first bc the second is less frustrating mechanically.

[thornsofdeath]

phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell.  phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends. 

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more. 

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope. 

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down. 

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au.  he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live. 

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g  shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho

[skiasurveys]

393

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? um,,? I would assume I was a young adult ig?

2.Which is worse, failing or never trying? never trying, b/c you would never  know if you were good or not. 3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?  idk..man because we feel forced by society 4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done ? I hope not. 5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I wish people would stop flexing. 6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? spending time with my loved ones tbh, and making art. 7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? rn i am in college so 8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? no different. 9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? a little, im trying to fix it. 10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? doing things right..i always think im gonna be a failure. 11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I would let them know that she is my friend and i find it disrespectful of what theyre saying. 12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Honestly, dont worry about what others say. do what you want. 13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yeah i would.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Yeah look at most art lol 15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Im not sure... 16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? because were all just different people? 17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? travel really. I want to see more of the world  and cultures.

18. What’s holding you back? money.

19. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? yeah my fathers death.

20. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? maybe the UK? and Idk its different and i dont wanna live in the us. 21. Do you push the elevator button more than once? not really. 22. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?  joyful 23. Why are you, you?  life experiences.

24. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I think i have but i do have a lot to work on. 25. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?  losing touch. it sucks when you can feel them slipping away right from your fingers and you cant change it. we live in a world where face time is a  thing so when someone moves it doesnt feel that much different. 26. What are you most grateful for? My mom 27. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? fuck. Never make new ones.  28. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first? idk..? 29. What is your greatest fear? Has it ever come true? Drowning. lol

30. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? it wouldve been either when my friend hurt me or when my dad had died. so yeah. 31. What is your happiest childhood memory?  vaca with dad

32. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? im not sure.. 33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? idk. 34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?  Of course, sometimes the best people are the people you dont have to make up a lot of words. 35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Cus humans. 36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? yes and no. we all have our set of morals. for sure murder is evil..i would hope everyone would agree. 37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?  yes. even tho i just got it but like i hate working LOL. 38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?  more work i like to do 39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? yes.

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? what

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? i would try to see them all lol

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Of course LOL 

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? alive is just doing ur boring ass shit every day but living is like actually doing what u love lol 44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? you just know tbh 45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? because we dont wanna look stupid or hurt others. depending on the mistake. 46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? dress better and be more active with my social media career. 47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? right now 48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? i love art, i always have. it just lets me express myself without feeling weird. 49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? i will for sure b/c i just started working at this shit job so ill for sure remember this. i better not be here in 5 years or ill kms. 50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? myself but i always ask ppl for advice to help me. so both?

[haemosexuality]

cw for me being extremely not okay and personal like idk dont read this pls i just need to say it somewhere im just posting this bc if I actually say it somewhere instead of just thinking it to myself its better to keep doing it but, I'm toxic. I'm a toxic friend. Not intentionally but I can't deny my (unexisting) mental health makes me toxic and stressful and annoying and a bad friend in general. I could really just spend hours listing toxic behavior. If im in the wrong I cant deal with it, if the other person is in the wrong I cant deal with it, vene if everything is perfectly fine and theres no conflict happening at all I still cant help being extremely tiring and too much to deal with so im just going to isolate myself. Is not like I have a lot of friends irl, literally just one so its not gonna be hard anyway. Ive been just so much lately shell prob just assume im mad at her and agree with people that say im garbage so like, yeah. I just hope I can actually stop talking to her for real isntead of spending one month not talking to her and then coming back and amking everything worse bc thats all i always do tbh, since always, ive never been fine mentally and ive never not been absolutely toxic to every single one of my friends simply bc im too fucked up itd be so simble if shed just fucking realized that already or made she already has but doesnt wanna leave me bc she knows i have abandonment issues and itd compleyely fuck me up and shes always putting other people first she already has enough on her plate and i hate being a problem for her and its not like i can helo her in any way, just try to and nake it worse, so its just better for everyone if itd just fucking stop caring about her so much but since i cant i can admit that stop being her friend will only do her good she has enough friends and enough people thay got tired of me to not only keep her company and help but to also encourage her to not talk to me i just hope she gets better and doesnt kill herself or tries to again and if me getting away from her helps than so be it this is really just rambling ab me feeling sorry for being a piece of shit boohoo but as much as i ******* ** *** i cant but if i dont say this somewhere i will so yeah i hate having friends bc i love everyone too much but im fucked up and always end up fucking things up and people either hurt me too making me even more fucked up or i hurt them and ruin everything bc im fucked up this isnt about me i cant get out, my birthday ""party"" and trip got cancelled, so im not going to see her for a long time. idk what im going to do when corona dies out and my parents wanna reschedule the trip bc i cant uninvite her and i cant call it off bc my parents are gonna want to know why and id prefer death than opening up to them so idk what im going to do. hopefully she uninvites herself i dont deserve her anyway im sick of writing im gonna isolate myself and push people away yeehaw and not kms bc i cant do my parents dirty like this

[swagirii]

NY JM Concert

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I was really tired to begin with because I do not live in NY. I live 3 hours away from NY. So I just planned a whole day to be spent at NY. This part is like annoying probably so you can skip it if you want HAHAHA but I had to work until 1 am on Friday night and slept for like 3 hrs and caught the 7 am bus to NY. I slept for another 3 hrs in the bus and got there. Ate dim sum MMMmmmm my first time :-) but how do you not get the liquid to be all over your plate. I’m such a noob. and went shopping at soho WHERE SWINGS AND GIRIBOY WERE THE NIGHT BEFORE but I was shook because a shirt was like $50. so I left and went to time square and went to line store remEMBER this is all new to me because I’m like a country girl who raises cows for a living. loljk. idk. pls ignore. anyway so... after that I was pretty exhausted and it was like 4 pm ish. Met up with another friend (so now a party of 3!!!) and decided to head over to the concert place.!!! omg so excite. I wasn’t really excited at first because I was pretty tired from the whole day but while walking to stage 48 like I was getting excited LIKE HELLO I WILL MEET JM IRL AND NOT ON COMPUTER EVEN THO IT FEELS LIKE A DREAM RN

So I got there and the line was pretty long even though it was like 6:00 well I guess I don’t know how long concert lines are because this was my first concert. ;-; and meet&greet people got to go in at 6:45 pm. So we went in. and they did this extra search of our bags and touched under my boob to see if I had a gun. (even tho nochang can just kill me with his chingchangchong) and threw my water bottle and my friend’s hard boiled eggs away (LOOOOOL). we got there and the meet&greet was some booty tbh. OK BEFORE I WAS GONNA SLEEP IN THE BUS WHILE GOING TO NY, I WAS THINKING OF EACH THINGS I WAS GOING TO SAY TO EACH MEMBER OKAY BUT THAT WAS ALL RUINED BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE “meet&greet” and just take a group picture and gtfo. ._. So it was our turn and my friend was the first in line for the group so she went in all awkward like “hi...” BECAUSE IDK C JAMM LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE C JAMM ON THE INTERNET. LIKE THEY ALL LOOK THE SAMEEEEEEEEEEEE I CAN’T. IT’S TOO REAL. and she stood next to C Jamm and he was like “wassup wassup” HE’S SO NICE AND HUMBLE like he’s the cutest potato thing. and I think I was standing next to Swings? I don’t even remember, because I was wildly searching for Giriboy like I CAME ALL THE WAY TO SEE YOU WHERE ARE U I need to hold your hand IDK ASDKFLASDJFA;SDF. and Swings was just trying to make us stand so we can all be in the pic. then I saw Giriboy behind me like on the step kind of thing AND HE DIDN’T HAVE HIS GLASSES AND WAS WEARING A BLACK BUCKET HAT and kinda looked like 

THIS WITHOUT THE GLASSES and like hello every1 he was NOT WEARING GLASSES !!!! I CAN’T so I was like omg.......... and he just kinda looked at me so I was like “I’m a big fan of yours!!!!!!!” and THEN ALL OF MY FRIENDS GOT ENCOURAGED AND WAS LIKE ME TOO me TOO and he just kinda nodded as a thank you multiple times. :( I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE ok sike. im gonna chill. but still highkey regret that i was not being extra during the “meet&greet” because the staff were like don’t bring ur phones no selfies BLEHLAHELBLEHLA BLEAH ok whatever good bye and i didn’t notice any1 else during the picture bc i forgot abt them soz

and the concert didn’t even start until like 8:00 pm and i was mad bc they kept playing hiphop music other than JM like i was ready to go rain shower idk and some ppl blocking the view in front of me my friend asked if they could squeeze us in bc we couldn’t see and they completely ignored me after the first word. :-) well they moved after that so its ok but anyway... like whatever :)... the show started with osshun gum and im sorry but ive been out of this scene for so long like i forgot who he was like i know hes from high school rapper but i didnt even watch the show :-) rip but he was so cute i know hes 1 year younger than me like HES A BABY (bgm: shes a baby zico) and he was dressed “normally” too so he looked like a normal person and it was just cute ok but i didnt know his songs so i felt bad. 

the next person was han yohan OMGGGG U KNOW I ACTUALLY LOVE HAN YOHAN BECAUSE IDK LIKE IM INTO THOSE ROCK THINGS NOW and he played curt cobain BECAUSE IM CURT COBAAAAAAIN 300 km, I’m Sorry, and then later super saiyan with black nut OMSDFKLASJDFKLASDJFASKGJSD F ok. Enough said. This is better explained with the live. goodbye. I just love. and hes the only one who actually sticked w the schedule that was pre released before concert lol

and then it was the love of my life giriboy and he was supposed to perform zoa... wybh and then hogu but he started doing mix it up but whatever i was shouting like crasy so WHATEVER OK and he did all these weird cute moves... like icant believe it happened in front of me. i feel like its a dream. :( i hope he does it again in my dreams. and did hogu then ended. 

i was proud to shout all the lyrics (NOTICE ME)

then it was nochang like omg i love him because for the longest time i thought he didnt wanna be on stage because idk... gossips and his interviews... but he was the best on stage he looked like he really enjoyed and we were like TUUUURNNNNN UUUUUP ok but tbh no one knew his lyrics... bc they’re too sophisticated4us but he did emancipation, ching chang chong, and turn up and he was wearing all black again. but took his hat off a couple of times. his head is pretty. he actually stuck to the schedule too omg i feel like giriboy was not feeling well or something :( or he was more concerned about his single 

then it was black nut omg YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I HAVE A THING FOR SKINNY GUYS im just kidding but i love black nut and he killed it today with his porn hub shirt on hahahahaha first he did honmono which i dont rly kno because i been living in a cave for so long and then it was silky bois like BOIIIIII HE DID THE AUTOTUNE THING LIKE HE SANG IT but it was good and hes the only one that was all smiley throughout the concert and remember he always used to wear sunglasses but like no sunglasses today and like... he was the best eye contacter :’) omggg so cute and then he did 100 like kill all of em i was screaming

then it was bill stax OK LIKE I KNEW NONE OF HIS SONGS IM SORRY BUT I FORGOT HIS NAME CHANGED TOO RIP :’( I NEED TO BE GONE FROM THIS WORLD and then we did giddiyup? like that song with the horse with c jamm and nochang it was lit because that’s like an old song and everyone knows that EXCEPT NO ONE SCREAMED  수컷말쉿 except me like WHERE ARE YALL but anyway... then it was c jamm he did know and puzzle which was like... idk those songs... i really need to get on my game maaaaneeesss

and then swings was being v soft today and was like this is for the ladies and did 듣고있어? and some other SONG THAT I DON’T REALLY KNOW THE NAME OF BUT THOSE WERE SWEET SONGS AND IT WAS NICE BECAUSE HE WAS BEING FUNNY WITH ALL HIS GESTURES LIKE KISSING FROM HIS HAND like where all this confidence come from i need some and then he did bulldozer which was #lit i kinda wish he did 양아치 or 괜찮아 but it didnt happen its ok

then it was da whole crew with sushi rain showers and carnival OMG WHEN CARNIVAL STARTED WITH GIRIBOY i cried ok i didn’t but i almost cried because just. like. IM HEARING IT LIVEEEE HELLO i was shook. and sushi was ok except they added some extra lyrics for the live i guess and i kinda didnt hear the lyrics and rain showers was lit as alwaaaaaays

they didnt really talk like esepcailly giriboy because i know he doesnt talk in general but its like in american so i guess he was done. i hope hes happy

[sunnysidewrites]

92 Questions Tag

tagged by the lovely @kakaotaeks​ rIP I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY IM DOING THIS BUT,,,, GET TO KNOW ME!!! 

THE LAST

drink: water

phone call: my dad LOL

text message: my irl friend

song you listened to: honeyst - like you wHICH IS A BOP STOP SLEEPING ON HONEYST

time you cried: i dont remember,,,, i cry quite easily,,,,,,

dated someone twice: lmAO GOOD ONE

kissed someone and regretted it: LMAO!!! GOOD ONE!!!

been cheated on: i have to date someone in order for this to happen

lost someone special: a relative :((

been depressed: not depressed but there have been times where i just felt useless!!!

gotten drunk and thrown up: no

3 FAVORITE COLORS

purple/lavender

light blue

aqua green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

made new friends: yes a few but not much!

fallen out of love: no what does it feel like to be in love,,, i wonder,,,

laughed until you cried: i woulDNT BE SURPRISED IF I DID

found out someone was talking about you: um,,, idk,,,,, but i also definitely wouldn’t be surprised,,,,,,,,,,,,,

met someone who changed you: hm not sure i got really close with a few people tho

found out who your friends are: uhhhhh,,, i guess???????

kissed someone on your Facebook list: i never kissed anyone, period

GENERAL

how many Facebook friends do you know in real life: almost all

do you have any pets: no cAN SOMEONE PLS GIVE ME A PUPPY!!!

do you want to change your name: there were times where i thought other names sounded better but at the end of the day i love my name!!

what did you do for your last birthday: i bought a cake,,, that’s it

what time did you wake up: i have summer class so i gotta wake up at around 9, 8 sometimes, but usually i wake up at like 10

what were you doing at midnight last night: ,,,,,tumblr,,,,,,,, gdi why am i like this

name something you can’t wait for: to master what i wanna pursue

when was the last time you saw your mom: like an hour ago or smth?

what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: me LOL :(

what are you listening to right now: im listening to my calming music playlist sooo,,,

have you ever talked to a person named tom: no wtf lmao wHAT KIND OF QUESTION

something that is getting on your nerves: a lot of things,,, just a lot

most visited website: idk i go on tumblr a lot but there’s also youtube and my email

LOST QUESTIONS

mole(s): yeee

mark(s): yes,,, i think

childhood dream: i wanted to be a lot of things lmao be a teacher, writer, actress, the list goeS ON

hair color: dark dark brown i find the color nice when the sunlight shines on it bc it looks like regular brown!

long or short hair: LONG HAIR FTW

do you have a crush on someone: not really i just find one or two guys cute but not worth investing my time in

what do you like about yourself: nothing lol im trash????

blood type: i DONT KNOW WHAT MY BLOOD TYPE IS :(((

piercings: i have earrings!

nickname: ill keep that a secret

relationship status: married to 6 husbands im single

zodiac: cancer!!!!

pronouns: she/her

favorite tv show: well i love kim possible a lot and for kdramas the list never ends :)))

tattoos: none

right or left handed: right

surgery: none

sport: um?? lol??? im athletically challenged

vacation: i’ve only been to hawaii aND ITS SO BEAUTIFUL I MISS IT!! i wanna go to a bunch of european and asian countries there’s a lot of places i wanna go,,,,

pair of shoes: converse, vans, combat boots, running shoes (lmao i dont exercise tho,,, i just had them for PE)

MORE GENERAL

eating: NOODLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! N O O D L E S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY CHOW MEIN AND PASTA AND SPAGHETTI OMG I CAN GO ON FOREVER

drinking: i like drinking water and anything with mint chocolate or just chocolate or mocha,,,, you get the point

I’m about to: do my assignment uGH I WANNA KMS

waiting for: me to get my life together smh

want: food,,,, and sleep,,,,,,,,,,

get married: i mOST DEFINITELY WANNA GET MARRIED but i dont have to worry about that for a while

career: something involving computer science!!

WHICH IS BETTER

hugs or kisses: I AM A STRONG ADVOCATE FOR BOTH and it also depends on the person,,, obviously if its with my s/o both but anyone else is a hug and it also depends on the kiss iDK IT JUST DEPENDS LMAOO

lips or eyes: eyez eyez 

shorter or taller: tall but not way too tall

older or younger: same age or older!!

nice arms or nice stomach: idk i dont really care that’s not the first thing i think about??? y not both idk???? idc????

hook up or relationship: relationship always!!! i only wanna do long-term

troublemaker or hesitant: um idk??? i would say both in appropriate conditions, but rather than troublemaker i would say adventurous i dont want a troublemaker lmao

HAVE YOU EVER

kissed a stranger: no

drank hard liquor: lmao yes but it was at a wedding so like,,,, and that was my only time

lost glasses/contact lenses: no

turned someone down: no one likes me???

sex on the first date: N TO THE O SPELLS NO!!!

broken someone’s heart: not that im aware of,,,, :((

had your heart broken: well yes but not like that

been arrested: no

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: eh when i was younger but not atm

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

yourself: ,,,,,,,well,,,,, depends,,,,,,,,,,,

miracles: yes sure!!

love at first sight: idk this is where it gets fuzzy,,,, more like attraction at first sight bc thats real dont lie

santa clause: no

kiss on the first date: sure!! depends on how comfortable i am w them but i would like to take things a lil slow

angels: sure??? idk??

OTHER

eye color: brown im boring

favorite movie: dont rlly have one,,,,,, but i like disney movies,,,, :’)))

ok who to tag um i dont really have a lot of ppl to tag so this list is gonna be pretty short: @mintyjihoon @justkpopjokes @mansaeboysbe @7teentexts @chanilovehours and anyone else reading this!! mention me so i can see it!! :)

[jomjjeoro]

darkling tag (kms)

i was tagged by: no one im just rlly bored so im doing a bunch of tags rn lol i tag: if u wanna do it feel free to say i tagged u !!

☥ Questions: 1. What is your favorite candle scent? ok tbh idk if they still make it but “kitchen spice” from yankee candle smells fuckin fire bruh  2.Do you have a favorite book? my friend’s novel if i’m being honest lol,,,,  3.Are you a tea or coffee person? i enjoy both!!! but, i guess i’m more of a coffee person bc,,, duh  4.What is your favorite brand and color of lipstick? im a guy lol i dont wear lipstick,,,, if i do its usually just a TINY bit of red drugstore lipstick on the “crease” of my lips to give them that bitten look (i only wear this for like. an event or something),,, and if i had to wear black lipstick (which. i rlly dont like wearing lipstick so no) i’d just use eyeliner so,,,, ya  5.What is your favorite perfume/cologne? deodorant??? lol 6.Do you have a celebrity crush? all of bts lol next question  7.If you had to give up the color black, what color would you choose instead? can i say grey ??? lol  8.If you could change your name to a stereotypical 90s/2000s gothy name, what would it be? i wouldnt ,,,, lol 9.What are your top three tips for surviving hot weather while black clad? tip one: just dont go out in the daytime. ever. like going out at night will keep you cool and also it doesnt fucking suck like daytime does,,, those r all of my tips  10.What song will always make you happy (doesn’t have to be a goth band)? idk sometimes its different,,,,, ig rn ill say “i was all over her” by salvia plath,,, it doesnt make me feel happy so much as it makes me feel content and comfortable which is better than happiness in my opinion  11.Are you active in the arts (ex. Play an instrument, paint, write, etc)? ye,,,, i play bass and i draw despite the fact that i suck at both  12.If you had a teacup or mug made inscribed just for you, what would you have it say? idfk dude next question  13.What is your number one non-gothy hobby? im. this question is,,,, what the fuck is a “gothy hobby” in the first place??? idk dude i dont have any hobbies so  14.If you could be a supernatural creature, what would it be & why? i’d be a ghost probably,,,, idk if i can say why for sure it just. seems like me idk  15.What horror monster-based super power would you have? this is a good question,,,hm.,,,, honestly  have no idea??? there r too many cool ones  16.Do you feel confident or comfortable interacting with other Goths or gothy people (online or IRL)? Why or why not? HELL NO lol,,,, first of all,,,, i dont like interacting with anyone,,, second of all,,, everyone is so elitist,, the fact that there was a question that said “what is your number one non-gothy hobby” should show u,,,, idk,,, 17. Which is more important for a look: Great hair or great makeup? great hair tbh,,,, like makeup is cool but if u dont do shit with ur hair its like ????? 18.Is there something you wish there was more of in your subculture? i wish there were more casual goth outfits i could wear,,, everything i find for men is either for emo ppl or for romantic/victorian goths and im??? thats not the type of goth i am dude,,,  19.Care to share an embarrassing story related to your “darkliness“? me doing this tag is an embarrassing story  20.How are you at DIY? pretty decent tbh  Quickly describe your ideal wedding. ew Confessional (aka True or False): I love watching cheesy romance films. false I ALWAYS remember to wash off my makeup at night. false,,, ill always do it if i have the energy to bc i dont wanna break out but,,, i dont always have the energy u feel  I sleep with plushies. true ( i need more tbh) I wear non-black pajamas most nights. true,,, idk i usually just wear a hoodie and some sweatpants to bed so  I still listen to a boy band that had disbanded years ago. TRUE!!!!!! true,,,, i love the jonas brothers dude,,,, I think Andrew Eldritch is overrated. in a way, true??? like i dont think he has a good personality like at all so in that sense i think he is hella overrated but. as far as the music itself goes idt he’s overrated if we’re looking at it that way,,, idk i guess ill say true  I don’t like vampires. true I don’t like clubs. it really depends on how im feeling but 90% of the time id answer true to this  I’m dating a goth/darkly-inclined person. ,,,,,, idk???? false ig  I don’t enjoy graveyards. false  Blood makes me queasy.  it really depends on the context but 99.9% of the time its fine so. false  I’d sooner faint than pet a spider. TR U E I don’t like haunted houses. which kind of haunted house??? if its the halloween attraction kind then i’d answer true bc fuck that lol  I still browse Hot Topic’s clearance racks. false  I’ve never read Dracula. true,,, i dont read ever lol  I think “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” is a long & boring song. FALSE ??? WTF??? i fucking love that song dude smh