#idk ill draw yaoi about it after i sleep

[snailcubezz]

i need someone to do one of them sitcom cliche birthday episodes to me

[safetyqueenofhell]

Uh, News?

((its ‘pume rants about life” time))

So uh...hi guys. Funny story. I started out this blog because I loved the headcanon, but was at first hesitant to because of my gender identity or rather, I felt shitty for putting the words in the mouth of a transgender character when I myself was cis. This is a feeling I’ve pretty much always had about the transgender community. I always liked to think myself supportive of this community, but because of a certain rhetoric that plagued me as a kid I never really felt as though I was allowed to relate.

My older sister was a bitch. I dont know if she is now, all I know is that she doesnt wanna feel like ‘the bad guy’ anymore so I’m not allowed to bring it up. She used to draw pictures of me dying in horrible painful ways and talk about how happy thinking of me being mutilated made her. She used to take pictures of me in the shower and show her friends. Eventually convinced mom to force me to watch her shower and let her sleep in my bed with me. Her reasoning to my mother was that she was afraid of serial killers and didnt want to be alone. What she told me was that if someone were to attack she wanted someone else for them to go after, and she loved mom, my dad, and my little sister too much to hurt them. I was expendable.

She also really liked yaoi. There was pretty much gay porn always on the search history of the family computer whenever I tried to look up kingdom hearts or naruto characters. She would causally joke with her friends that she she would trade me for a cute little uke brother in a heartbeat. 

When I was 13 I realized I was totally into girls. I (very famously) announced over the dinner table that I was a lesbian while asking my grandma to pass me the potatoes in the same sentence. My older sister was furious. She’d take every opportunity to tell me that I was making it up. That I wasnt really a lesbian, and in fact I was a horrible person for pretending to be a lesbian and invalidating the real struggles of the LGBT community.

This is not the first time I would hear shit like this from her. 

Also around this time I started bringing duct tape to school with me. Every day I’d sneak the tape into my backpack, then go to school and strap my breasts down in the bathroom. I didnt really know what it would accomplish, but I liked it. I liked seeing my breasts disappear under my shirt.  It wasnt the same as being allowed into the boys locker room like I wanted, but it was close enough. 

I started reading books about girls dressing up as boys going on adventures. Not just ‘Mulan’ shit (in fact I came to resent the movie because it is by far the most well known but also the worst depiction of the trope) but also Leviathan, Song of the Lioness, and to a lesser extent The Monstrous Regiment (which is hilarious & gay as all fuck 100% recommend) More then anything I wanted to pass for a boy, even before I knew what transgender was. I cut my hair, I wore the boys school uniform when I left home to go to boarding school, I fantasized about kindling a romance with my roommate. This wasnt to be, alas, (even tho Missa is a literal perfect human being and I love the shit out of her) but I did get to experiment with girls in the form of my first girlfriend ‘E’ and the girl who took my virginity, ‘C’. 

When I went home for the first time it was like returning to the darkness. I didnt realize how much I hated my home until I went back that first winter break. I would talk about my experiences (And since I had 0 shame) would also talk about girls. My sister wasnt having it. She’d shut me down in front of my own parents, insisting that I wasnt Bi because she’d never seen any of my girlfriends. Mom wanted us to repair our relationship so she’d make me drive around the street in circles talking to my sister as she repeatedly beat me down. 

The next couple of years at school were pretty much blended together. I became something of a “Come Out Kid” in that, for some reason, I was the first person a lot of people told when they started having homosexual or gender divergent thoughts. Particularly girls who didnt know they liked girls until they met me. Coupled with my sister’s abuse, this kinda gave me a fucked up sorta ego that makes other people uncomfortable to this day. I almost force myself not to believe so many people came out because it seems like it couldnt have happened, how could the disgusting leech of a person my sister convinced me I was have so many people be attracted to her? Even still, a fucked up multi-faceted ego is still very much an ago, so I had the confidence to date both boys and girls. I dont wanna get into it now but was also molested by both boys and girls. One of my best friends ‘A’ made her transition, and around senior year I began to suspect that I might be on the agender side as well. My other best friend ‘M’ told me that I only wanted to “Join A on the bandwagon” and I believed him instantly because that was the kind of fucked up person I was. 

I came home for break one year and saw my little sister had no contact with any boys at 13, which I found strange considering me and my older sister only hung out with boys at that age. my little sister’s dance studio was run by an entire staff of lesbians who were always incredibly supportive of sexuality and self expression. I thought it only natural that if my sister were gay then she’d probably be open about it. I suggested it to my mom. she threatened to disown me. when i said that was homophobic, she called me a monster for daring to call her such a horrible word. No, she wasnt homophobic. what she was was a mother of a confused 13 year old girl, and would not stand for me trying to police her young, undeveloped sexuality by saying the word ‘lesbian’ in front of her. 

That very same summer my older sister harassed me in a public restaurant making fun of the time “grace thought she was gay but was only faking for attention” and I looked into my mothers eyes as she said nothing. 

Cut to freshman year of college my older sister was graduating, and I was experimenting with my gender. My sister was ironically a psych major and graduating that year. Since I was forced to care about her again mom tried to force us to love each other by (you guessed it) more stuffing us in a car together and driving around. I admitted that I might be a boy. When I talked about wanting to look and fit in with boys she said if I ‘need to rely on societal norms to justify yourself you’re an anti-feminist and hate yourself for being a woman’ when i said that it just felt right she once again demanded ‘proof’ and went in idiotic circles from there until she slammed the breaks and said she said that I just hate myself and am desperate to be anything other then myself and I’m incredibly pathetic for doing so. She then said that if I were really a boy she’d love and accept me. But I’m not. she said that she forgives me for being such a horrible little sister and its high time i love myself too. she went on to say I’ve been faking my mental illness and I’ve always hated her for no reason and im ruining her life blah blah blah whatever. 

Tragic backstory unlocked you get it. 

Cut to now. Cut to making this blog. Cut to having the upmost respect and adoration to anyone who is able to come out of the closet. Not disgusting fetishists like myself, real people with real problems to overcome. I loved trans marco and related to her greatly, and made this blog. but soon people started asking me questions. asking for advice. and how the hell could I help? i had no idea what it was like to be trans. All my life I had only pretended to be LGBT so boys would pay attention to me. what could I possibly tell them? I started to look up terminology. I started to read memoirs. I might be a horrible fetishist who spits on the struggles of people who suffer by my mere existence, but goddamnit if anyone is looking at this blog I’m going to do my best to help them through their struggles. I’d agonize for days any time i got an ask about trans issues, trying to make the wording perfect to make up for the fact that i was cis scum capitalizing on the ‘fad’ of trans issues.

and you know fucking what. everything i found. everything i read. all of it i related to. all of it validated me. I thought about it, wrote down my feelings, talked to friends, and pretty much everyone agreed that why the fuck would i even lie about something like this? what could i possibly have to gain?

this is a whole lotta rambling for a whole little payoff. I guess what I’m trying to say is that...like. 

I think I’m a boy. I think I’ve always been one. 

I dont know if thats the same as being MtF or where the divergence between the experiences lay but. Every time i get mistaken for male i just get this flower of happiness in my heart. thats literally the image that comes to mind. just. happy. happiness rushing through my veins like glittery as fuck happy.

Idk what I even hope to accomplish with this. maybe I hope that, since I cant really come out to my family, I just want someone to...witness me? i dunno. But, Trans!marco helped me, even though I dont share any of her internal conflicts directly. So maybe someone else is reading this too. maybe someone else has been told they’re a faker. maybe someone else’s mother accused them of just trying to ‘get a reaction’ maybe someone else heard that mother bragging to her friends at dinner parties about how brave caitlyn jenner is and patting herself on the back for supporting her. but thank you everyone who has sent me asks. Thanks to all of you. I havent been paying much attention to this blog, and maybe the hiatus is gonna go on a little longer, but thanks to all of you for sticking with me. I love all of you. bless.

-Pume

[abigailslover]

10-69

10. Ever been arrested?Already answered 11. What are you most selfish about?I can be quite selfish about my boyfriend. I try not to be and he always understands, it's just sometimes if he's busy I wish he was spending time with me. Everyone's selfish about something though12. Who would you let die if given the chance to save them?Donald Trump13. Who would you sacrifice yourself for?Literally everyone I care about 14. Something silly you believed as a kid?You know at the end of a film when it says "in order of appearance" for the actors? I thought it meant in order of how good looking they were. It makes me laugh so much15. Weirdest/most embarrassing thing you've ever drawn?I tried to sketch me and my boyfriend as a present and it failed miserably 16. Controversial role models?I can't really think of any 17. Cringiest fandom you've been in?Already answered 18. Cringiest thing you've shipped?I used to ship Ed Sheeran with Taylor Swift lmao, they're cute friends though 19. Ever had "an accident" in public?Yeah when I was like 10. I came back to school after being pretty ill and I thought I was okay when I wasn't. Most embarrassing moment 20. What helps you fall asleep?Sometimes Ryan calls me before I go to sleep and it helps me feel relaxed. Or I watch friends or something21. What childish things do you still do?Like half of the things I do tbh. Like I feel like an adult at uni but I also don't none of us are actual adults22. What's your age?18, I'll be 19 in April 23. Grossest thing you've eaten?Coleslaw, it made me sick and I think it's vile 24. Honest opinion on religion?I've never believed in it in the slightest, I believe in science. Also if there was some being who decides what happens in the world then I think they're pretty sick. But I also don't judge anyone for believing in their religion, people should be able to believe in what they choose I just hate it when they force their beliefs down your neck25. What does your laugh sound like?I don't really know. My voice is quite soft so kind of soft I guess?26. How would you describe your smile?Kind of awkward? When Ryan tells me it's beautiful I feel like its beautiful though 27. Did you go through any regrettable phases?Literally every phase of my life from when I was about 6 to now. Though from when I was about 15-17 was some of the worst times of my life 28. Ever dropped plans/projects and not said a word? I've already answered this 29. Introvert/extrovert?I'm introverted af 30. Personality type?INFJ-T31. Ugliest thing in your wardrobe? Some old underwear I used to wear when I got periods. I haven't had one in like a year because of the contraception I'm using so I should probably throw them out 32. Would you wear pyjamas in public?Lol no I'd be way too anxious 33. Weirdest thing that turned you on?Some might not call it weird but I love anal34. Pineapples on pizza?I'm allergic to pineapple so no. Also gross why would you ruin pizza35. Do you use the XD emoticon?Not since I was like 1036. Do you have a dark sense of humour?I can at times?37. Worst thing you ship?Idk I ship Kaylor and Cophine the most and they're beautiful ships 38. Top or bottom?Both but I love it when he's on top 39. Top or bottom bunk?Bottom, the top one always made me kind of anxious 40. Pettiest thing you've cried over?I cry like several times a week so probably most things 41. Pettiest thing you've gotten mad over?Every time Ryan steals the covers 😂42. Longest time you've cried?I cried for about a week when me and my ex broke up. That was a really painful time 43. Do you touch the art in museums?I've already answered this 44. Do you have a fandom OC?I literally had to google what this was but no 45. How much do you believe in astrology?Not that much but it's an idea 46. Have you ever used a base for drawing?No47. Having you ever used MSPaint for drawing non-ironically?I barely ever even draw so no 48. Controversial opinion?I had the Swift Life app for a bit but it was pretty childish and got boring. I wish Taylor would focus on her older fans a bit more 49. Ass or chest?Ass ass ass50. Chest or genitals?Genitals, though boobs are great 51. Genitals or ass? Tough call but genitals. An ass can't make you cum so 52. Any scars?Yeah I have quite a few. I still have very faint SH scars on my wrist and thighs, a small one on my finger from when I cut it on my sisters umbrella when I was 11, one on the back of my knee from when I was 8 and I fell in the garden and ended up in A and E, and a birthmark on my neck which people always think is a love bite 53. Do you pirate anything?My dad does sometimes 54. Url for any old cringey social media account?For ages I couldn't figure out how to change my url on facebook from Mrsmerrygold when I was obsessed with JLS55. Any posts you've deleted and why?Just a few when I've been super mad at people or when I've been depressed and then looked back like wow look at that breakdown let's remove that 56. How long does it take you to get up in the morning?Too long, especially when I have a 9am seminar. If I do my makeup like an hour 57. What will instantly turn you on?Choking or dirty talk omg58. Fave eye+hair colour combination?Blonde hair and green eyes is so adorable, I never thought it was until I met Ryan 59. Have you already named your future children?Not necessarily but I definitely want a daughter called Lily 60. Do you do drugs?Never have never will 61. How tall are you?5"862. Did you go through a "RANDOM XD" phase?We don't talk about it 😂😭 63. Dumbest thing you believed?The whole actors appearance thing. I was a dumb kid 64. Dildo of choice?Ryan's dick 😏65. Daddy kink?Low-key yes, as in like I love calling my boyfriend daddy in bed but nothing much more than that apart from when he dominates me 66. Who could change your sexuality just by looking at you?I'm already bi so good luck 67. Bara/Yaoi/Shota??68. What areas of your body are most sensitive?Pretty similar to most girls: nipples, sides, thighs, ass, clit 69. Weirdest dream you've had?Literally all of my dreams. The other day I dreamt that I was best friends with Millie Bobby Brown? I've dreamt about everyone dying and so many things lmao