#idk if should be scared or excited idk if its gotten bad

[gobblewonkrs]

On a related note this'll be fun for me I think because I know nothing of the modern homestuck Fandom. I haven't looked into hs much since I finished reading it and that was like. Several yrs ago

[arolesbianism]

Tiphereth suppression finally complete babeyyyy

[pennjammin]

2 cocky!

getoxreaderxgojo!

you recently fucked your roommate’s best friend behind his back. you think he’s going to hate you, but the two of them are actually excited to finally have you at the center of their web.

CONTENT: gojo x geto, gojo x reader, geto x reader, switch!geto, switch!reader, top!gojo, sex under the influence, bondage, tad of cuckolding, overstimulation, unprotected, creampie, afab!reader, vaginal and anal WHOOPS, kinda dacryphilia

word count. 🫣 idk i wrote it in a moment of being feral.

lowercase intended - just trying it to see how i feel about the aesthetic.

✯ song inspo: best friend ft. trey songz

“you should see her tears, satoru,” suguru grunts from above, his long cock burying itself in your stomach with each stroke, his balls clapping into your ass.

“bet she looks s’pretty cryin’ for us,” satoru grunts from below, mercilessly pounding into your other hole, his grip on the pretty ropes digging into your skin growing harsher with each pump.

now… how did you end up here? let’s roll the tape.

your back falls against the cushiony plush blanket of the hotel bed. thick hands hold you by the waist, nails locked in to prevent you from squirming away.

your lips are quickly attached to your roommate’s again, desperate and impatient. that wedding reception had lasted an eternity.

“f-fuck, suguru,” you chime out, parting your legs to allow him to glide between them. you’re so drunk, your party dress hiked up your sides, and your hair has fallen from its dainty clips and ribbons.

“need your dress off,” suguru responds with a coo, releasing your hips and finding the hem of the silky material. “but it looks too expensive to rip off of you the way i really want to.”

“who cares about taking it off,” you gasp, back flying off of the bed.

suguru grins, you don’t have to tell him twice.

you’d barely made it home from the wedding, where you’d been a bridesmaid, and he a groomsman. you’d been staring at suguru in his delicious little suit all night from across the stage where the bride and groom had gotten married, cunt in overdrive.

you’d started downing liquor to distract yourself, but every shot made the room a little more fuzzy around the edges, while sharpening suguru, as you zeroed in on him and the fat bulge that’d appeared in his suit pants.

by the time the two of you had made it back to the hotel, you were like rabid animals, clawing at each other in the elevator, leaving rough kisses on each other’s neck.

you grip him by his tie and pull it loose, beginning to unbutton his messy white shirt.

“oh, can’t believe i made it through that dreadfully long reception,” he grunts, hovering over you with his lips parted as he watches you work down his buttons. “wanted you bent over the dinner table.”

“we could’ve arranged that,” you coo, sitting up as suguru backs off of the bed and stands straight on the floor.

your hands have successfully finished popping his buttons but now they’re focused on his belt.

he shrugs off his blazer and discards it to a random corner of the room, looking down at you as you slide the leather garment out of his belt loops.

you feel a twinge of guilt, as this is the first time you’d been with suguru since you’d been filling yourself with his best friend, satoru. you’re thinking of your week long escapade with him now, cunt pulsing rapidly at the memory.

you hadn’t meant for it to happen, honest. suguru had been out of town and satoru was checking on you - per suguru’s request. one movie night later and you were pouncing on his cock, telling him how scared the movie made you, how his fat dick made you feel better.

you knew you were grimey for it, that suguru would probably not speak to you for a while if he found out. but right now, he doesn’t know, and he’s about to promptly fill you with dick.

“need you so bad,” suguru whines. “been too long, baby.”

you let out a deep sigh and unbutton his pants before shoving them down carelessly. “look at you, my needy little boy.”

suguru lets out a noise. “mhmm…”

“s’okay, gonna take care of you i promise,” you whisper, running your hand along his clothed bulge. he jerks in place and stares down at you.

“don’t tease,” he pouts. “i’ve already been waiting all night.”

you grin up at him, sliding your fingers down the side of his bulge, stroking him through his boxers. “but baby boy, that’s no fun.”

“hngh - i-i’ll do whatever y’want, please,” suguru begs, and you think it impossible to deny him when he’s so vulnerable like this.

“anything?” you question. “on your knees, sugu.”

suguru obeys immediately. you scoot your hips to the edge of the bed and spread your legs in front of him.

“yes baby,” he purrs, sliding his hands down the soft skin of your thighs before resting them right on your knees. “you want my mouth?”

“mhmm,” you huff, reaching for the waistband of your panties, frantically getting them off. “don’t make me ask twice.”

the needy boy wants nothing more than to make you feel good. he leans forward, eyes dilated with lust as he stares at your cunt that is wet for both him and his friend, and he has no clue. you try to put the images of satoru’s head fallen back, his lips parted, and his dripping cock out of your mind.

you momentarily forget when suguru’s wet tongue lands on your clit, lathering it sloppily with spit as his lips purse and he sucks the nerve ending.

you writhe immediately, hands desperately clinging to his roots. his own fingers are threatening to break open the skin of your thighs as he devours you, making eye contact to confirm he’s doing a good job.

“o-oh, satoru,” you moan softly, but unfortunately not soft enough for suguru not to hear.

his mouth freezes immediately and you feel yourself tense above him.

he pulls his face from you, “who?”

“woah, that was weird,” you say, cracking a nervous laugh. “your names are similiar, don’t know how i made that mistake. i’m sorry-“

“you’re sorry?” suguru releases your thighs and stands straight, his submission leaving the room, his anger clear on his face. “you were thinking about him, weren’t you? you don’t just make that kind of slip up. you never have and we’ve been doing this for a while, y/n.”

“sugu,” you chirp desperately, reaching out to him and feeling your stomach lurch when he recoils. “y-you know i didn’t mean to…”

he shakes his head. “satoru, what do you think i ought to do to her now?”

you blink, unsure you heard him correctly. he glances towards the closed wooden closet with little ridges in it. ridges that would easily allow someone on the other side to look into the room.

you stare in horror as the door opens and satoru steps out of it, the bottom half of his outfit discarded, his hand sliding over his erect cock.

“mm, dunno, but i wanna hear her moan for me again,” he lets out a wet breath as he stares at you, sprawled over the bed with your panties off and legs parted.

“what is this?” you ask, voice quivering. “you were watching us?”

“that’s right,” satoru hums, still stroking himself. “sick, isn’t it? but not any sicker than fucking two best friends, is it, y/n?”

you swallow thickly and stare between the two of them. you slowly close your legs and sit up. this has to be some kind of twisted fantasy, you think. the alcohol is clearly overcoming you.

“she wants us both, look at her.” suguru licks his lips as he eyes you. the two of them stare like owls as you stand and walk over to them, dress falling to cover your bare lower half.

you blink between them both, and to your surprise they each take one hand and pull you closer to them. now you’re surrounded, nearly sandwiched as they close in on you.

“didn’t think we’d find out, hm?” satoru coos, his hand leaving his cock and coming to slide over your shoulder, inciting a shiver from you. “we’ve all been hooking up with each other, you’re just the last one to know.”

your eyes widen. “you two…?”

“right,” suguru says, each of his hands creeping around your waist and satoru’s. “so, now that the cat’s out of the bag, don’t y’wanna know what we’re like together?”

your pussy is throbbing. you’re trying to avoid staring directly at satoru’s cock, but the way it’s twitching wantingly has your mouth nearly watering - but you’re also missing suguru’s wet lips attached to your cunt. the thought of both together…

“she’s thinking about it,” satoru cocks his head to the side, leaning in to drag his lips over your ear and down your neck. “don’t y’wanna make us feel good, princess?”

you shudder under his touch. his hand has slyly started pulling on the strap of your dress, sliding it down your arm. suguru’s leaning in closer now too, his breath tickling your cheek, his fingers still entangled in your dress.

your eyes flutter closed, imagining yourself bent over between them, your cunt full of cock as well as your mouth. it nearly makes you whimper aloud.

instead of responding, you turn your head and connect your lips to suguru’s; bringing a hand down to satoru’s cock and yanking him by the length.

he moans against your neck before you feel him smile, followed by a deep chuckle in your ear.

“need to hear you say it,” satoru says.

“y-yes,” you whisper desperately. “i wanna.”

“can’t wait to have you both screaming f’me,” satoru grits against your neck.

you and suguru both moan into each other’s mouths, your hand pumping satoru, slicking your fist up with his ample amount of needy precum. he’s nipping your neck with his teeth, his hands greedily continuing to rip off your dress, material shredding and falling to the floor.

you part from suguru and stare at him as you pant, while satoru breaks away from you and then pushes you towards the bed.

you land on your back, now fully naked, and you bite your lip while staring up at the two of them expectantly. satoru stands between your legs, a hand coming up as he takes his long fingers between your folds.

he reaches for suguru, who comes to stand next to him. suguru reaches for satoru’s cock and satoru does the same. all the while they pump each other, satoru’s other hand is expertly flicking rhythmic circles over your aching clit in time.

you stare at the way satoru and suguru play with each other, feeling a bit out of your comfort zone and a bit ashamed, but so incredibly aroused when you remember that they both want to fuck you. you can hardly find time to focus on that when satoru’s destroying your nerve ending with his delicate rubs.

he stares down at you while his arms flex from pleasuring the both of you.

“all warmed up, baby?” he questions, noting how your knees are starting to wobble in the air.

you nod, but it’s a mistake. he removes his hands and walks to the other side of the hotel room, where there’s a black bag on the floor.

you lay there, wantingly, and suguru comes to lean over you, planting a kiss on your forehead.

“you look a little nervous,” he whispers, and your face starts to grow warm. “remember our safe words are red, yellow, and green. you know what each one stands for, right?”

you bite your lip, nodding in understanding.

“so if you start to change your mind,” suguru says assuringly, “you say what?”

“red,” you answer.

“good girl,” he winks at you, before standing back tall and turning to satoru, who has returned with skinny tan ropes dangling from his hands.

“how do you feel about me binding your arms, princess?” satoru questions. “i know this is a lot to take in-”

“no!” you shriek, still so tipsy but now also cockdrunk and needy. “n-no, w-want you both. please. tie me up.”

satoru bites his lips and suguru steps out of the way. “such a good fucking girl, god. how did we manage to pick the perfect one, suguru?”

suguru hums in approval, his hands running wild over his own body as he watches satoru flip you over - roughly.

he pulls you into a standing position with your back against his chest, and suguru comes to be in front of you, where he grabs your red and pouty face while satoru is yanking your wrists behind your back.

“gonna look so pretty for us,” he coos, leaning forward to plant his slobbery lips on yours, and you take him into your mouth instantly - tongues dancing together so familiarly, all the while ropes begin to dig into your chest and stomach, as satoru expertly presses knots into your skin, your arms completely bound.

suguru keeps his mouth on yours, distracting you, nicking your bottom lip with his teeth and reverberating his moans down your throat.

and that’s pretty much how you found yourself pressed between the two of them like the cream in an oreo.

but oh, the positions they’d put you in before this.

you, on the edge of the bed, bent over while suguru holds onto your ropes like reigns on a horse. he fucks into your juicy cunt, awful wet noises filling the air with each pump of his desperate hips.

suguru’s moaning louder than anyone because, each time he pulls out of you, he takes more of satoru’s length. satoru stands stagnant while suguru fucks himself and fills you to your brim.

you’re bent over like a ragdoll, arms useless, drool pooling out of your swollen lips.

the next position had involved satoru getting his chance to slide into you. after quickly cleaning himself off, he was ready to fuck your poor cunt to the point of swelling. all the while, you lay with your head dangling off of the bed so that suguru can fuck your gummy throat.

his hands are on your chest, occasionally coming down to crack a hit across your poor nipples. if you were satoru, you’d be able to see the bulge filling your throat each time suguru thrusts into it. spit falls down your cheeks in a combination of your mascara stained tears, saliva bubbling around the base of suguru’s cock as you take every inch of him like a good girl.

meanwhile, satoru’s cock is stretching you much harder than suguru’s. suguru is longer, but satoru is girthier. his cock is pressing against your unfortunate elastic walls, forcing them to mold to the shape of his wet cock.

“oh, god, y/n,” satoru whimpers pathetically, “missed your pretty pussy, missed how desperate she feels clenching around me.”

suguru moans from above, “mm, y’should feel her throat. f-fuck.”

“look at my babies,” satoru chimes. “making him feel so good, y/n.”

it’s all so much, but you want to please them, and they want the same for you. they occasionally pause to check in.

“how y’feel, baby?” suguru chirps, sliding his soaked cock from your mouth.

“so green,” you breathe, a harsh rasp in your voice from having your vocal cords obliterated.

“think she needs a second,” satoru coos, pulling out of you as well, gripping you by your ropes to sit you up.

your cheeks are bright and warm, wet and stained, lips puffy and dripping saliva.

“so beautiful, so ruined,” satoru hums, reaching forward to wipe your cheeks as suguru pulls your hair out of your face, planting a kiss to your shoulder.

“i-i wanna make both of you cum,” you whine desperately. “w-want both loads inside of me.”

satoru cocks his head to the side. “inside of you? so filthy.”

“mm, that sounds nice,” suguru breathes into your neck. “our cocks rubbing together inside of ‘er till w-we cum.”

satoru nods greedily, stroking his cock with a tight fist as he stares down at the two of you.

so, now you lay on your back, satoru pinned underneath you. his cock has your tight ass feeling as though it’s going to light on fire, even though they’d oiled you up and lathered it in lubricant. you shift brainlessly between the two of them as suguru fills you from the front, and the friction of their cocks on the thin skin between your two holes has you drunk and unable to speak.

you all look dreadful, all flustered and sweaty and needy. suguru has puffy red claw marks all over his chest and arms, satoru’s hair is destroyed. everyone ruined and desperate in their own way.

the warmth of being enclosed by suguru and satoru has you purring like a cat, toes pointed in the air, attempting to leave kisses all over suguru’s shoulder as he dips his head into your neck.

your arms are still bound and useless, but your nails dig into satoru’s sweaty abdomen and he hisses below you.

“mmh - oh shit,” satoru whines in your ear.

“s-so tight like always,” suguru growls.

you can’t respond, throat swollen from being filled with cock but also your incessant wailing from the overwhelming amount of stuffing and pleasure.

“gonna stuff you so full of cum ‘till you’re dripping out of both holes,” satoru threatens, digging his fingertips wherever he can find them. one hand raises and grips suguru by his hair and you watch as suguru’s eyes roll back in his head.

“i-i’m gonna… ngh,” suguru loses control first, his body spasms and his cockhead jerks against the roof of your sludgy canal as the spurts come quickly and hot.

his cum pours into you without regard for anything else, and all you can do is lay there with your lips parted and take every last drop.

satoru decides you’re going to be next. he reaches around and starts toying with your clit, two long fingers swiping over it without a routine, just mindlessly trying to pull your cum out of you.

suguru’s strokes have slowed but they haven’t halted. he uses his sticky cum as more lubricant to fuck you through your high as you attempt to scream out, instead tears fill your eyes again and pour down your overstimulated cheeks.

“f-fuck!” each boy cries out, feeling you clench both holes around them, and this prompts satoru to fill you up a second time - thrusting harder as he makes sure you milk him of all he’s got.

“hah - mmh,” suguru whines from above you, pulling his strokes to a conclusion, his hands still desperately roaming your body as he twitches.

beneath you, satoru has dropped his hands against the mattress and closed his eyes, his heartbeat hammering into your back as you cockwarm him with your sore hole.

suguru pulls out and collapses next to you, and you roll off of satoru, who’s hands come up and slowly start to unravel your bondage.

your head falls on suguru’s sweaty shoulder and you close your eyes, feeling lightheaded.

“we’re sick,” you mutter aloud, not knowing what else to say.

“deranged,” suguru agrees.

“nasty.” satoru grins from behind you, and you feel the tension release your limbs and you stretch your arms for the first time in several hours.

“aw, look at the pretty red rope marks,” satoru whispers, dragging his finger along the skin and making you jump with sensitivity. “you did so good for us, honey.”

suguru nods and rotates his body to face you. his arm wraps around your hip and his palm rests on satoru’s.

“next time, we should tie up satoru and make him watch,” suguru grins.

you nod, yawning from the relaxing feeling of satoru’s hands massaging the searing red marks out of your skin, rubbing down your spine, as you breathe into suguru’s warm chest.

you can stay like this forever, you think, but it’s wrong. if all that you can get from the pair of friends is good sex every now and again, though, you’re satisfied with that. it doesn’t have to be anything more.

they’re just too cocky!

A/N:

@musepondersthings making a post about this exact scenario as i was writing it and nearly about to delete it because i thought it was too much is really living in my head rent free 😭

i… hope yall enjoyed, that is all i can say. im going to scrub my brain now. bye bye bye

~pennjammin

[hella1975]

Hi Hella!  Its List Anon with my list of thoughts about this chapter as i read it.  And then my ramblings of it and then whatever else.  

AZULA 

Miss girl is having symptoms of an impending mental breakdown

HAKODA

God I missed your Hakoda so  much

KQNUT

I cant read right now im so excited oh my god 

Sokkas thinking about zuko and i think watching him i havent gotten that far yet but oh my god im so excited

Hes checking him out i think

I feel like theres a metaphor hidden somewhere in zukos blades but i cant figure it out

“Sokka knew what Zuko was. Sokka knew what he had done. It didn’t scare him anymore. Instead, Sokka ate with the other boy, and reluctantly found him hilarious, and found himself stammering under Bato’s false – and frankly insulting – accusations. Zuko was a threat, but not to them, not anymore.” - <33333.  Sokkas and homophobic dog thing????

TOMNOOK YES ITS MY BOYS

I missed Tomnook so bad.  I love them so much, to me peak characterization is two people who are like two halves and a whole and are just linked with eachother.  Nanooks personality is my favorite thing ever.  

NANooks sees it omg i love this so much

““Okay, plan B,” Sokka said, more to himself than Zuko, before his smirk became an evil grin, arms folded over his chest. “Either you can come hunting with me, something that will keep you moving and practise your precision and stealth, or I can go tell Kanut that you’re swinging that sword about like you’re trying to singlehandedly undo every bit of treatment he’s given you. Choice is yours, Sunshine.”” Oh my god a pet name

Also this is so funny to me.  Sokkas literally blackmailing him as he should.  i love your sokka.

 “Call me Sunshine again and I’ll throw you off the cliff.” i love your zuko too hes so great.

Zukos protecting him <333

Im barely into this chapter and ive already written a lot.  I apologize in advance for making you read all this.

“But to protect him? To want to keep him safe? On purpose? Sokka was used to being the protector. Being on the receiving end felt like an itch he couldn’t scratch, and he didn’t understand.” - oh my god there is so much to unpack here

“ Blue bleeding into red. Red staining the blue.” - also a lot to unpack

“ But Sokka and Zuko were older. Zuko did not need to sacrifice himself for Sokka and Sokka was not responsible for Zuko.”  Love this love this love this I dont feel like sokkas trauma is represented enough in zukka relationships.  This is a really good depiction of it and how Sokka was given too much responsibility at a young age.  I like how you’re touching on this and adding it to their relationship.

Is this going to be one of those things where sokka falls first but zuko falls harder?  Its giving the vibes.  Sokkas already showing signs of figuring it out.  I dont think zuko is for a while.  Thats just my take on it though.

““Tell me about your time on the Ullaakut,” he blurted out suddenly, making Zuko flinch.” this caught me off guard but i also love it.  I dont know why but this is so funny to me.  I really hope Zuko tells Sokka some more details eventually.

Yk tomnook are giving some romantic vibes in this chapter.  Are you queer baiting us /j

FUCK FUCK FUCK THEYRE BEING ATTACKED

“ The Princess of the Fire Nation was here with four fucking air ships presumably full of tyranny and unchecked trauma and somehow it was Chena’s fucking problem because it always was with that family. He hadn’t even finished eating, for La’s sake.”  this is so funny i love chena

Oh my god if any of them die this chapter im never going to forgive you

Its going to be chena isnt it?  Theres too much focus on him and hes being an idiot

Sokka being able to pierce Zukos trauma is so wonderful.  

Oh my god i love azula i trust you to do her justice ��Auzla, good or bad” idk well have to see ig

Oh my god that conversation thing was great

The fight was great

Oh my god youre so amazing i love this so much

Okay i dont think anyones going to die

The Last two paragraphs - Oh my god hella what the fuck are you on.  This is the kind of stuff that makes taob so good and wonderful and magnificent and glorious and and and- 

So the thing about how you write Zukka is, its perfect.  I am so picky about how people write Zuko specifically (and azula but were not talking about her right now) but you are just so good at writing him.  I love how you keep his canon characterization and not like infantilizing him (seriously, people tend to forget that Zuko is an asshole) but you also tap into all of Zukos traits, not just the ones that are appealing.  Like the black and white thinking, his bossiness, his temper, all that fun stuff.  And you take all of this and combine it with the traits that he picked up because of the taob plot and you’re consistent with it.  Like I see a lot of fics (and i also do this with my fic so i know its really hard not to do this ) that will put characters through something and its like that event never happened after like two nightmares and three flashbacks and a conversation.  But you’re very good at juggling everything going on with zukos mind and character.  

You write in a way that makes you come off as extremely intellegent. I dont know what I mean by that but like on tumblr you give off the vibes of someone who is just unnaturally smart, and then you read taob and you're just like 'yeah that checks out'

I got off track of what i was originally wanting to say.  

My favorite Zukka dynamic is Sokka leaning into Zukos protectiveness and so how you showed this in this chapter took me aback because i knew that that is where this was headed but you executed it so well.  Also its kind of nice that we’re finally starting to get into the zukka portion of taob.  And feelings are finally being felt for eachother.  Like when you said slow burn holy shit this is slow burn.  I love it so much 10/10 marvelous, all the praise, bravo.  

Then there was also the acknowledgement that Zuko and Sokka arent responsible for one another.  And that theyre allowed to just be Zuko and Sokka without the stress of being the one ‘in charge’.  Like theres no added pressure to it.  And like I said people have a tendency to focus on Zukos trauma and comletely dismiss the trauma of sokka and how his issues minght surface in a relationship.  I love how you’re going about this.

Like the dynamic you write between Zuko and Sokka is so unique and rare but so perfect and accurate based on their characters.

I also always forget how much i love Tomnook and I love that theyre going with them.  This is something that I was sad thinking about whenever i was like ‘huh i wonder whats going to happen in taob next’ i would get upset thinking about nanook and tomkin being actively present.  So the fact that they are makes me happy.  

The last like paragraph and line were so perfect I loved them so much.

You are such a fantastic writer like I cant put into words how much I love your style and the way you phrase things and how fluently things flow together when you write them.  I think I’ve mentioned in one of my other things that it reminds me of the alphabet and how there are certain ways you can order the letters that done seen natural or fluent.  And how its like you have a special formula for knowing which synonym to use or what word to use or which order to arrange sentences. Its so poetic and eloquent.  Like its so weird to me how much I’m in love with just you’re style.  To me everything you write is just so perfect.  

You’re like the definition of a ‘natural story teller’  

Like you come off as one of those that you can go into any situation no matter how bland and come out with a really good story or metaphor or something.  

I (kind of?) have another thing for the list too.

Like, you are so kind.  I can’t go into as many details as I would like to but you are just such a kind and wonderful person.  Im leaving it at that.  

I say kinda because I cant give you the context for this one so idk if it counts.

I always feel weird sending these because I always feel like im being weird.  But im anonymous so oh well.  I hope you understand how talented you are (in my opinion atleast).  Like I said I am just so in love with you’re writing style and its honestly exactly how I would love to be able to write.  I have loved writing my entire life and I’ve always been advanced in the subject but it’s not good enough to be considered talent.  (I’m not saying this in a self deprecating way, I’ve grown to be perfectly content with my writing abilities)  But holy fuck you’re so talented.  I remember first reading taob and needing to just take a minute and process how incredible it is and I was in awe and couldnt believe how amazing you were able to string together words.  I still cant believe it any time I read something you write.  Like even if its just some wild ass tags, you are just so good with words in general. 

I’ve mentioned before that you’re a really easy person to admire.  I cant think of the words to go into details about that but yeah.  

I had a really meh christmas and the taob update made it like ten times better so you made my day so thank you for that.  <3

i have. SO MUCH to say in response to this so im going bullet point so it's not entirely incoherent but i hope you know im feeling VERY incoherent about this.

im glad you liked the chapter! you thinking someone was gonna die and saying 'its going to be chena isnt it?  Theres too much focus on him and hes being an idiot' made me actually laugh out loud so ty for that <3

everything you said about zukka and how im writing them! ive said before but both because the romance is a new part of taob and bc people have been waiting so patiently for zukka, im always super nervous about how im writing them so this is just JKSDHGKHG for me especially bc you basically picked up on everything im trying to do. like focusing on sokka's trauma, them not being responsible for each other and how they BOTH need to feel that, showing zuko's protective side, not making zuko less of an asshole etc - these are all conscious decisions for me so for someone to go 'hey i See What You're Doing and im so here for it!' is beyond reassuring

saying i come off as 'extremely intelligent' and 'unnaturally smart' is the part of this ask that is just. sticking with me. like regardless of my insecurities and bad periods i do KNOW that im a good writer, but i cant stress enough how much damage this economics degree has done to my confidence in my own intellect. like i feel stupid 24/7 at university and have done for a year and a half and still have a year and a half left. i am BAD at economics and i dont like it and just feeling constantly stupid like that all the time every day is just. awful. so to find out there are people that actually think im clever? ive not had that since... well since i was still studying english LMAO. it means a lot. like means more than i can even say in this response

'you’re like the definition of a ‘natural story teller’. like you come off as one of those that you can go into any situation no matter how bland and come out with a really good story or metaphor or something' BESTIE 😭😭😭 ily

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT UR TALKING ABOUT WITH THE KIND THING LIKE THANK YOU BUT ALSO WHAT DID I DO

i hope you know i have so much genuine fondness for you like that feels conceited seeing as it's just 'there's a special place in my heart for this person that showers me in compliments' but like i genuinely mean it you seem so kind and your determination to show me what you see in me while on ANON so you know you're getting nothing in return is just. like really truly kind and selfless

[bellamyblakru]

omg ok so idk how many im allowed to ask for the otp ask game thingy BUT if this is too many just do the ones you really want:D (SORRY I GOT EXCITED)

merthur & 2, 6, 7, 13, 24, 29, 30

oh my god roya i went ham on these. i apologize in advance 💀i got so excited too siskksksksks thank you so much for this holy shit, it was literally so much fun

2. Big spoon/Little spoon?

omg i think it depends on who got the drama arc that day ajclajfefkafn i would say normally merlin is 100% the big spoon LOL he just has that “need to comfort and protect” vibe, you feel?

6. What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

oooo so interesting, like physical features? id wanna say merlin loves arthur’s hands the most. like he can just sit for hours watching arthur signing documents and writing speeches and all that shit, plus arthur is definitely a hands on man (since he was touched starved to the max) so merlin always craves those little moments where arthur’s hand lingers on his own, or on his neck, or on his chest. the first thing to come to my mind for arthur is that he absolutely adores merlin’s hair. like when he forgets to cut it short and it gets a bit longer and more curly, the wildness just fits merlin so nicely. his hair in the morning is just so messy and perfect and the way the light hits it makes merlin feel more ethereal--its in those moments, right before merlin wakes up, where arthur just stares at this magical king and wonders what god he should thank for giving him someone so lovely.

7. What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

OH GOD. dude, the first thing that changes for merlin is what he thinks about as he helps arthur dress for the day. now, he notices the subtle way arthur leans into his touch, the way arthur smiles softly when merlin fixes his collar, the way his own hands tremble, ever-so slightly, as he smooths out arthur’s shirt. ARTHUR. man, the first thing that changes for arthur when he realized he has feelings for merlin is EVERYTHING. my mans tries to not change a fucking thing about the routine or day--but he tries way too fucking hard and its painfully noticeable that something is happening in his mind. merlin notices it, of course, but thinks arthur is stressed about something kingly. you know who tells him to fucking stop? LANCELOT. that man walks up to arthur, drags his ass aside, and gently, but not weakly, says “you suck at this” and helps him understand that merlin is already head over heels for him wjsjjsksksks

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

arthur. 100%. touch is his thingggg™️. merlin has probably ached to hold arthur’s hand for years, but arthur does it first. i imagine two different scenarios: one, its fucking chaos out. there is some bad guy or some shit they are fighting, the knights are scattered, they are bloodied, bruised, and tired, but merlin hasn’t left his side for even a moment. the warlock’s back is still straight, his chin is still high, the defiance burning so brightly in those eyes that arthur cant help but reach over and grab the man’s hand to try to gain some of his resilience and passion and strength. two, it could be the laziest fucking day of the year. the knights of the roundtable are laughing and eating in arthur’s chambers, lance and gwen are making doe-eyes at one another, gwaine and percy are stealin little glances, and arthur is just so fucking content. like he looks around to smiles, and laughing, and happiness, and he turns his head to see merlin staring at him in concern. and he cant help it, man, he just reaches over and squeezes his hand. merlin’s eyes widen, but a soft smile grows there. arthur just doesn’t let go though, so merlin leans over and puts his head on arthur’s shoulder being completely beautifully content together.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

BRUH THIS SCREAMS MERLIN. I'M LAUGHING SO MUCH FKHNNSKNR. dudee. imagine it?? they are seated at a Very Important Dinner™️ with some Very Important People™️ and arthur is just about to make a toast and BAM-merlin whispers something outrageously fucking dirty. ARTHUR SPLUTTERS AND TURNS SO FUCKING RED ASDFGHHJK. merlin just smiles (his most regal smile) and turns away to talk to Very Important Someone™️ and arthur has to wait a few more minutes to compose himself and vows to get back at merlin later (he never does because merlin always beats him to it). OR LIKE DURING AUDIENCES? like this fucking farmer is complaining that he thinks his neighbor stole his chicken named Clucky and merlin just walks up to arthur and Says Something™️ that makes arthur cough...violently...and merlin turns around, solves the farmer’s problem, and goes back to his spot like nothing happened. arthur stares at him for much longer than he is suppose to before leon steps in and taps arthur’s shoulder to continue LOLLL

29. one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

oh lord,,, where to start? im not sure if this is a common headcanon or not, but that merlin actually could have saved arthur. he is the most powerful warlock to ever fucking exist, and he couldn’t save him? i call bullshit. i think he had the power to, and i think deep down he realizes that when its too late (like arthur’s eyes fluttering shut too late) and thats what breaks him. what haunts him for literal centuries. the simple fact that he could have saved him. i think he didn’t know enough about his magic yet, or that he refused to acknowledge that kind of power simmering under his skin, or that he just didn’t believe enough in himself because of how many times shit had hit the fan when merlin did magic near arthur. so..yeah…yikes

30. one headcanon about this OTP that mends it

LOL im full of angsty headcanons so hmmm. during arthur’s reign, they used to stay up late at night in arthur’s chambers. it didn’t matter what they did: whether it was arthur teaching merlin how to play chess as merlin complained the entire time that strategy at midnight was a cruel and unnecessary punishment, or arthur helped merlin clean his chambers as merlin hummed an old song his mother used to sing to him before bed, or just the two of them sitting in front of the fireplace with two glasses of wine talking about everything and nothing all at once. but once the quiet hits, its never, ever, uncomfortable. they can sit in silence for hours and never be bored or scared to break it. they just sit there, side by side, leaning on one another like they do in everything in life.

thank you again😭💖💖 akakakakak i might have gotten too excited?😂

otp ask game

[princeanxious]

Trust is a Fragile, Fickle Demon.

Pairing: Analogical

Fandom: Sanders sides

Warnings: hurt/comfort, happy ending, mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of mental abuse, mentions of abusive parent, mentioned of past betrayed trust, trust issues, let me know if i missed anything!

Wordcount: 1.9k words

(A/n): this is sort of a short one, idk that im very proud of it, its written a little differently than I normally write so let me know if ya’ll like it? I tried!

Trust was something earned, gained, given, not expected. At least, to Logan, thats how it’d always been. The omega had learned young the mistake of trusting anyone so readily, a freely given token of connection that only served to hurt him in the long run.

Even now, Logan was aware his upbringing had been slightly rougher than his common peers. His therapists all readily, or subtly, pointed out that his alcoholic alpha of a single father who never should have been a parent to begin with was undoubtedly the root cause of many of his issues.

First of all of them was the lasting trauma of the emotional abuse he’d endured as a child and teenager. Never smart enough, never quiet enough, never clean enough. He was never enough, he was never going to be enough. He was a weak, broken, and useless omega in his father's eyes, and would never amount to anything more. And while he never wanted to believe it, often said he never believed any of it, he could only confidently say he didn’t truly believe even just part of it by the time he was 23.

Another was that he’d never been given any freedom to do as he pleased when he was younger. He never got to visit friends or do anything more fun than read at the library(and boy did he read any chance that he got back then). His first real social outing was when Roman, his then longtime college roommate and current best friend, had playfully offered for him to come join him to go buy icecream at midnight. But, that story is better saved for a different time.

All you need to know is that, that midnight ice cream became a bi-weekly routine, and the other omega learned more about Logan than he thought he’d ever get out of the closed off nerd that night. Perhaps one could even go so far to say that Roman was the reason Logan ever even dared to go to a therapist in the first place.

Logan had become very stunted from the childhood neglect he’d endured. Omegas had many self-soothing mannerisms built into their primal instincts to comfort themselves when stressed, like purring when upset(was well as when happy or content!) and nesting to decompress or hide in a safe zone when stressed. And well, Logan had pretty much stifled his purring by the time he was 14, and.. Completely stopped nesting by the time he was 9.

There had been no point, and both had become increasingly dangerous to do as he grew older. Anytime his father caught him purring, the Alpha would berate him for being ungrateful, seeing it as a weakness. And no matter how well he’d try to hide his safety nests, his father would inevitably find them and destroy them. Far too many afternoons were ruined when he came home to find his father in a drunken stupor and his newest safe haven wrecked beyond repair, and stinking to high heaven of alcohol and aggressive, angry alpha pheromones.

So he gave up. He gave up trying to make the nests in hopes for comfort, in hopes for a safe haven to hide away. The longest he’d gotten was hiding away in his closet for periods of a time before his father decided it didn’t deserve a closeable door anymore.

Roman had been horrified, and promptly dragged the other omega into his own nest in distress. They spent hours like that, Logan sobbing and tucked up tenderly into Roman’s protective embrace as the omega purred and crooned comfortingly enough for the both of them.

It would be Roman to encourage Logan to begin nesting again. They’d made a whole day out of it, going out and buying brand new nesting materials along with comfort food and rented movies. Slowly but surely, Logan rebuilt his nest for the first time in a little over 10 years, and he was in heaven. And day by day, every time he came home to it intact and undisturbed, Logan’s psyche was assured just a little more that the nest was safe, that he was finally safe.

And no one could really be surprised that Logan became viscerally protective of his nest, even more so than the average omega, at that. The first time they realized this, one of their mutual friends, a beta named Patton, had suddenly come close to his nest in excitement over the new addition. Logan had snarled loudly and aggressively before he’d even processed moving to guard his nest from the approaching threat. When Patton had taken multiple careful steps back in shock, Logan finally snapped out of the defensive mindset and realized what had happened. He’d apologized profusely, and was quick to try and make amends.

Patton understood the justified reaction after some light explanation and waved off the apologies immediately. Logan, though mortified at his own surprising lapse in control, was grateful that there had at least been no hard feelings in the end.

Safe to say, their friend group and subsequently any new friends made in the future would be warned, “Don’t approach, or touch, Logan’s nest.” And it was fine. Things were even looking up, Logan had started truly healing, and trusting people started to become a little less difficult!

So it would really come as a surprise to everyone, let alone Logan himself, when he started developing a small crush on the kind and patient(if a little anxious) Alpha who nearly daily visited the library Lo worked at to study. It was an honest shock, but, perhaps it wasn’t the worst thing in the world..?

Logan had never seriously considered dating another until Virgil came around, and the prospect of dating an alpha was frankly terrifying. But, Virgil was nice, he was caring and gentle with him, and yet unwaveringly respectful. He’d listen to Logan ramble about stars for hours and never interrupt him, only asking questions when Logan’s voice lulled or allowed him to speak. Virgil encouraged this, wanting Logan to open up and ramble and talk without fear of being shut down.

Roman had told Logan it was obvious Virgil was crushing hard on Logan, that they both had it bad for one another it seemed. Of course, nothing had to come of it if Logan didn’t want it to! But the thing was, he did. He did want something to come of it, if at the very least they could just remain friends.

It took a few more months, but Virgil eventually worked up enough confidence to ask Logan out, and the unwavering, almost immediate ‘Yes,’ had almost taken Virgil off guard. They wouldn’t share their first kiss for another few weeks, but neither of them minded.

Virgil slowly but surely was given the whole story, and expressed his own quiet outrage in the form of promising to never let that happen again, nor let Logan’s father near him again. It was a protective sentiment that almost scared Logan, but the protectiveness was born out of love and compassion, not selfishness and hate. So he let it slide, and contently tucked himself into Virgil’s warm embrace with a soft “thank you,” and the first very soft but very happy purr that he’d let out in years.

This alpha, he’d find him telling himself a year and a half into their relationship, this alpha was the one that would be allowed into his nest.

It didn’t bother Virgil personally, that he wasn’t allowed into his omega’s nest. No one was allowed near the nest except him, and even then he still got growled at plenty. He was completely aware that Logan had a deep instinctual fear of the destruction of his nest, sewn by the only parent he’d had growing up doing just that out of malice. Logan had made strides in his journey of healing though. The omega was confident in himself, and refused to be pushed aside or spoken over. Logan was highly independent, even during his heats, which made Virgil feel all the more love for him to be let into his omegas life.

Logan wasn’t dependent on him like society demanded he be, and Virgil didn’t mind in the slightest, because he knew Logan. He loved this omega and knew said omega loved him back. That was all that mattered to either of them.

It took another half a year before Logan finally tried breaking down some of his protective walls over his nest. He was tired, so tired of the separation. Having Virgil's scent heavily entwined with objects in his nest wasn’t enough anymore. At two years into their relationship, Logan’s instincts didn't feel the need to growl at Virgil for being near his nest anymore. He wanted Virgil in his nest, and that thought was jarring to realize.

And when he’d brought it up, Virgil had been quick to assure him that he didn’t have to force himself to let Virgil in, that Logan’s safe space was sacred and he never wanted Logan to feel pressured by anything to let him in.

Perhaps Logan kissed him soundly after that, and was reminded just how much he really loved Virgil. Virgil's insistence for Logan's comfort coming first only made him want to pull his alpha into his nest that much more.

But still, he agreed to take it slowly. Every day, Virgil would scoot a little closer to the edge of the nest, would hold Logan’s hand and stroke his hair, even sometimes daring to slowly lean over and kiss him with prior warning.

It took a full week to really prove to Virgil during their progress that they were ready to take this next step, that Logan truly and fully trusted Virgil and wanted him in his nest.

And when it finally happened, they’d made a little date out of the occasion, setting up snacks and candy, ordering take out and lining up a few documentaries to watch on Virgil’s laptop, getting into their nightclothes.

Virgil had been beyond nervous, and Logan understood why. They managed to soothe each other as everything fell into place, and Logan carefully walked Virgil step by step into his nest. With careful movements, they sat down and Virgil let himself be carefully arranged as he was leaned back into the nest. It took a second for Logan to finish tucking things against Virgil and pull a weighted comforter over them before he finally settled himself onto Virgil’s chest.

Despite their original nervousness towards the idea, everything felt right, now. Logan felt so unbelievably safe now that he was tucked into his alpha’s arms within the cocoon of his nest. It was amazing in its own right. And it takes Virgil chuckling lovingly for Logan to notice just how content they both are.

“You’re purring like crazy, L,” he murmurs with a smile, running his fingers up and down Logan’s rumbling back, “If you’re not careful you might fall asleep before we even get through the first documentary.” Logan just grins back, tilting his head to peck Virgil on the cheek.

“I see no downside to that, V, considering I’ll be falling asleep in my alpha’s safe embrace. What more could I ever want?”

Virgil flusters and hides his face in Logan’s hair as the omega laughs, hugging the other closer. Logan eventually does fall asleep in the middle of the second documentary, cuddled close and relaxed.

And really, there was no other place Logan would rather be.

[heathneycanon]

reasons why phobia factor fucking slaps

ok this lowkey just turned into me rambling abt phobia factor while i rewatched it. putting it under a read more bc it’s super long lmao

like, the entire first five minutes are the campers being friendly to each other?? and vulnerable, to a degree??? you know i love that shit

courtney and trent?? talk to each other?? like. okay they’re never in the same frame together unfortunately, but they do have like, two whole back and forth conversations.

also in that campfire scene at the beginning, cody and trent are sitting next to each other and there are some. good screencaps

“exSQUEEZE me?!” like cody. ur such a dork omfg

duncan vulnerability hours

lindsay asks what a standee is and trent explains it and doesn’t mock her/isn’t annoyed with her at all, in contrast to a lot of the other campers interacting with lindsay. i love them as friends SO much u all have no idea

harold’s little scene with the ninjas. i love him sm. why does he have nunchucks with him when he goes to the bathroom??

leshawna is afraid of spiders and she runs away screaming from. chef wearing a spider suit??? like i don’t love spiders but if a man i knew wearing a spider costume was calmly walking toward me i wouldn’t react the same way as i would to a real spider. anyway i think this is hilarious.

season one heather vulnerability hours.....

i mean, i really wish they’d actually shown her talking abt her fear at the campfire, rather than just having it told by gwen in the confessional, but i get why they did that. regardless that one scene right before the sumo wrestler charges at her where she’s literally shaking.... i want to give her a hug

side note i hope the sumo wrestler is okay he hit his head quite a few times

ok so. trent accidentally leaving gwen buried underground because he’s getting chased by a mime isn’t like. a sweet gwent moment. but it is one of their interactions that i remember most vividly from tdi lmfao

what is a cute gwent moment is trent like. kneeling next to her while chris is burying her. and the face he makes at chris when he jokes abt not digging her up..... i love them sm

also gwen sounds so fucking dramatic when they close the box she’s in like. “goodbye cruel world” gwen ur being buried for 5 minutes ur not dying sdfjlafskj i love her

duncan hyping dj up before he picks up the snake is so cute?? like he’s clapping for him and he’s got what i call “adorable duncan face” which is where his eyes are full circles and he’s smiling. i can remember him making this face at courtney, dj, and alejandro throughout the series and it’s just. ugh loving soft duncan hours

“ah! it blinked” “it means she likes you” sadie where are u getting this information

okay so i googled if this was true and the result i got was “snakes can’t blink” so first of all i have no clue where sadie pulled that fact from and i have even less of an idea of where chris got that fucking. blinking snake from. is that even a snake??

when dj picks up the snake and they all hype him up?????? i love the killer bass so much it’s unreal

more cute gwent moments... gwen and trent talking on the walkie talkies.. they’re so cute

when the mime pops up behind trent and he does that little scream.... it’s loving trent hours u guys

trent is so bothered by a mime literally just. being a mime. me too trent. me too.

duncan and the celine dion music store standee.... everything abt that scene

"DUDE SHE’S MADE OF CARDBOARD” tyler i love you

courtney genuinely saying that it’s okay if he can’t do it (when she was being harsh to dj about the snake earlier..... duncney is so good in tdi u guys)

and then theY HOLD HANDS GUYSSSS IM SOFT FOR THEM

and THAT is what gives duncan the encouragement he needs to go for it?? they’re so good.

his “okay, okay” right before going for it... duncan’s voice acting is so good in this episode omfg

THE MUSIC THAT PLAYS WHEN HE HUGS THE STANDEE AND THEN EVERYONE CHEERING ITS SUCH A GOOD SCENE

THE DUNCNEY HUG

“duncan, you’re awesome!” and the look of shock on his face at both the fact that he did it and that courtney’s hugging him...... have i mentioned i love duncney yet?? bc i do

i can’t believe i used to dislike duncney omfg

then when courtney realizes that she’s hugging him and steps back jafksdfjlsa she’s so cute

and then the rest of the bass come over and hype duncan up more like. i love how supportive they all are in this episode!!

trent is so excited when he finally gets the mime to leave him alone fakjldjfl like he didn’t have to ROAST the dude. but he did.

chris somehow owns a remote control hail cloud?

lindsay getting excited about the “baby cloud” and calling it over?? she’s so cute omfg

trent fucking. hates geoff. gwent has geoffphobia in tdi ig

when they dig up gwen and she throws the walkie talkie at his head but he doesn’t stop smiling..... your honor i love them

owen and izzy getting out of the plane and kissing the ground together..... adorable.

cody with a fucking. watermelon on his head and covered in trash scares bridgette out of the woods. that will never not be funny to me

THAT ONE FUCKING SCENE. WHERE SADIE AND LINDSAY HYPE EACH OTHER UP. THAT MAY BE ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES IN THE ENTIRE SERIES. I LOVE THEM SM

the only bad thing abt this ep- tyler should have gotten the fucking point. he completed the challenge. i love courtney, but realistically, she should have gone home this ep and tyler should have stayed.

bridgette hyping tyler up...... im soft they should be friends

“quit being such a girl” courtney im sorry but the only reason you’re still in the game rn is because ezekiel made sexist comments in episode one. what are u saying lmfao

tyler and heather’s reactions to their fears rly make me think. bc like. most of the other campers have a more outward, loud reaction, maybe scream and run away. a couple are just a little wigged out. gwen gets a little snippy and is clearly super freaked out as well. but tyler and heather just. completely shut down. like, curled up in a ball, nonverbal, and shaking. makes u think.

why did cody need a calculator to figure out that the score was 7/3....... cody is canon lgbt+ bc he can’t do basic math without a calculator confirmed

also regardless of how little sense that made. at least that screencap gave us commie cody

when gwen starts trying to psych courtney out and heather like. gasps and looks shocked..... i like to think that heather feels a little bad for courtney here. heathney real.

duncan and bridgette hyping courtney up..... i love the killer bass so much omfg

courtney looks so sad when she walks away from the jelly.......

and then in the confessional right after?? she’s like. crying a little bit :( and she’s beating herself up abt it like..... :( courtney no

LITERALLY she’s like “how could i be so weak” “i deserve to go home” “you’re pathetic” (to herself) and then tells herself to show some confidence and then. she just starts crying again. and then slaps herself?? GOD I FUCKING LOVE COURTNEY SHE’S SO HARD ON HERSELF

owen just. hangin out in the tub of jelly. i love u, u wild dude. fuckin sit in that green jelly. loving owen hours

the little look that courtney and tyler give each other when they’re the last two without marshmallows..... half solidarity half “i don’t want to be the one going home”. i love them sm :(

i KNOW i said this earlier but. tyler should NOT have gone home this episode!!!!!! only bad thing abt this ep

all the fuckin chicken puns are a little bit funny tho

“he won’t be flying high tonight” bridgette chickens can’t fly

when courtney goes “okay, that’s enough” like. tyler’s not even there at this point but she’s defending him. maybe it’s because she still feels she should have gone home instead? maybe it’s because of that little bit of solidarity she felt for him when they were the final two without a marshmallow? maybe i’m reading too much into this? but idk. i think it’s sweet

okay no i have another complaint. what the fuck was the whole boat ride for tyler?? like when sadie gets eliminated the surprise she gets is that katie is on the boat. when tyler is on the boat, CRYING, after literally none of his teammates came to see him off, after he LITERALLY COMPLETED THE CHALLENGE BUT DIDN’T GET CREDIT FOR IT. the fucking. CHICKENS POP OUT?????? tyler deserved better

also some of the challenges were a lot easier, or at the very least, harder to fail than others this ep. i love it but come on. lindsay and sadie vs like. gwen vs owen and izzy vs dj. there were very different time limits, actual fright level, ability to back out once they were doing the challenge.... not a fair challenge

also uhm. if we’re being technical tyler and heather had the exact same reaction to their fears, so why did heather get a point and tyler didn’t? if the chicken had run at him, would he have won? smh

i do love this episode so much but. i had a couple complaints

okay finally lindsay’s little confessional to tyler where she blows him a kiss.... they’re so adorable lyler rights!!

[devinescribe]

Can I request something that is related to greek mythology since I very much liked your cupid stories. Where Chishiya is Hades and the reader is Persephone. Idk how it will go but yeah something like that. They were doing their thing in the underworld and one day they lose their powers as gods and they were transported to the borderlands. Thanks!

I- yes, love it, here we go-

I don't think you guys know how obsessed I was with Greek mythology as a kid, and how it translated into my life as of right now. Like... I'm a full blown witch now for the gods' sake. Like, I'm excited-

Love Older Than Time

Chishiya Shuntaro × Reader

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of kidnapping, your mom is kinda sorta psycho

"Y/N? Have you been in the fields of Elysium this whole time?" You heard a voice ask behind you. You recognized who it was almost immediately, even without turning around. It was Chishiya. You turned to face him with a bright smile, nodding. "I'm sorry if I worried you... it's just pretty here," you apologized, standing up. You dusted off your dress of any dirt that might have gotten on it, walking to him. He sighed as you walked over to his side, grabbing his arm. "My dear, you have your personal garden within our palace, you don't need to come out here. You could get hurt, I don't want you getting hurt," he softly repremanded. "I hope you don't plan on becoming like my mother," you joked. He laughed, and shook his head, kissing the top of your head. "No, I won't."

It wasn't that you didn't like your mother, she was just a helicopter parent, never letting you do anything yourself. And ever since the incident with Chishiya, things had become more awkward.

You two walked back inside, the guards greeting you as you made your way through the halls of the palace.

"I mean, it's a ways away from spring my love. I'll still be here for a while more," you said, intertwining your fingers with his. "I'm quite aware, but it still makes me... upset you'll have to leave once more," he explained. You knew that he meant he would be sad when you left. Everyone else had told you. Everyone in the Underworld said the first two weeks, he always asked where you were or looked for you, before realizing you were in the upper world. Others said they caught him in your garden late at night, sleeping in there as it gave him comfort. Sure, he may not have expressed it, but you knew he didn't like it when you left. "Well, I'm glad you miss me when I leave," you whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. "You know, there is one person who misses you more than me and that's Cerberus," he said. You laughed, leaning your head onto his shoulder. "I would rather you never leave, but that would be a punishment for you... and I hate seeing you unhappy," he stated. "Now, if I recall, you kidnapped me knowing full well I would be unhappy," you laughed. He looked at you, and back down to the floor. "I did do that, didn't I?" He questioned out loud, not really looking for an answer. "Yes, but you didn't harm me, or force me to do anything. You let me be, and showed me love, patience, and compassion, even when all I did was spit insult after insult... you didn't force me to fall in love with you. You let me be, and let me discover things by myself. Something I'd never been able to do. You didn't treat me like a prisoner. I felt more free with you than I did with my mother," you explained, playing with his hands. He hummed in acknowledgement as the large, dark doors to the thrown room opened. You two ruled over the underworld, there was citizens you two had to hear out. It was basically the same as being a king or queen in the mortal world.

You both sat down, ready for the endless complaints of people. "Chishiya, it's rather dark in here my dear," you said softly, noticing how it could seem intimidating to new and old spirits. He flicked his hand, the room being filled with blue light from the torches. "Is this better for you darling? He asked. You nodded happily, and he noticed the yellow flowers growing around you. He smiled softly, knowing that meant you were happy. He never knew making someone else happy would make him feel good, but it did. But only with you.

"So, we only have one person left?" You questioned the guard. They nodded. "It says they're from... well... fuck," Chishiya cursed. You turned to face him. "What's wrong?" You asked, reaching to grab his hand. "Our last and final person is from Tartarus. Please be on your guard, I don't trust any of the people there,'' Chishiya warned, talking to everyone in the room.

Tartarus was the place were all the bad people went. You would have had to do something extremely wrong to get sent there. Heroes got into the fields of Elysium. That's where all the greatest people went. The common person would go to the Asphodel Fields, where their souls would slowly lose who they were. Few people from Tartarus ever came to see you two. To do that, you had to be on almost perfect behavior for the Furies. Which almost never happened.

He noticed the roses and poison ivy that had grown around you. Those were intentional, he observed, seeing as your hand had softly stretched over your legs. You were ready to create a barrier incase of an emergency. The doors swung open, and a woman limped in. There were bruises that covered her body, and her long gray hair was messy and frazzled. Her eyes were completely white, making you shiver.

"And what may we help you with today?'' Chishiya asked, looking around cautiously. "To ask why I'm suffering, when the so-called 'heroes' get to live an eternal life of glory," she croaked. You looked over at Chishiya, who was studying the woman. "Explain," he stated, willing to hear her out. After all, he didn't decide who went where. The person's own morals were weighed, and they were dragged into whatever place the spirits you'd placed in charge saw fit.

"I didn't do anything wrong, in my opinion. All those heroes, however have killed countless and sacrificed hundreds for their own success," she said, glancing over at you. You gripped onto the edge of your throne, your knuckles turning white. You and Chishiya were both aware of what she was trying to do. She was using the fact that you had more empathy towards people, and using it to her advantage. She somehow knew that Chishiya didn't have the final words in everything, and that you helped decide as well. It was pissing him off that someone would use your kindness against both of you. He snapped his fingers, and a piece of parchment appeared in a puff of blue fire. "Would you like to read this out loud, or should I my dear?" He asked you, a sly smirk finding it's way across his face. "I'll read it," you said. He handed you the parchment, and you began reading it in your head quickly. "It seems you practiced magic? Lady Hecate must be pleased," you commented. She hummed, and you continued on. "Alright. I don't se- oh my... Chishiya, darling... you read this please," you said, reading why the spirits had chosen to put her in Tartarus. "You kidnapped children? For magic?" He questioned. "They were going to turn out evil. The oracle told me so," she said. Your stomach churned in disgust. "Where did you find the Oracle?" You questioned, knowing full well mortals loved to pretend to be the Oracle of Apollo, just to trick others. "In the woods. She was there everyday, and would tell me which ones," she explained. She was obviously lying. She kidnapped them out of her own free will, and you could prove it. Chishiya could see that she was lying. Was she stupid or just that narcissistic that she lied to two gods?

"See, we can both see through your lies. Given the fact that you did horrible things to children, and lied to both of us, I see no mistake with where you were placed. Have a good day," Chishiya said, dismissing her. She began laughing, and you clenched your hand tighter. The roses growing around both of you weaved together even more, the thorns becoming sharper and thicker. She began saying something in a different language, and Chishiya pulled you up with him. "Guards, please take her back," He ordered, holding you protectively. Before the guards could grab her, however, a cloud of purple and blue engulfed both of you. You screamed at the burning sensation it brought, holding onto Chishiya tightly. The pain was to much for you, and the last thing you remembered before passing out was Chishiya yelling something.

You woke up with a stary, sitting up quickly in fear. You looked around, seeing Chishiya besides you. You gasped, shaking him gently. "Chishiya! Chishiya, wake up!" You shouted, scared at the idea he might not. Sure, gods couldn't die, but they could be stuck in comas. And that was a big fear. He groaned, his eyes slowly opening, and you sighed in relief. "Chishiya, where are we?" You asked, hugging him tightly. "I... have not the vaguest idea, (Y/N)," he answered softly. You looked around, noticing abondoned streets, and plastic bags along with other articles of trash getting carried away by the wind. There was not a single soul in sight. "What do we do then?" You asked. "We send ourselves back home," he said. You nodded, and placed your hands down on the floor. Nothing happened. You stared in confusion, trying again. "I-its not... it's not working," you stuttered. You were nervous, and scared. He could tell, even without the flowers that grew around you. That's when it pressed in his head that flowers that showed your emotions always grew around you. You couldn't even control thay, they just did. "(Y/N)... I think that witch sent us to the mortal world... and somehow took our powers," he suggested. Your eyes widened, and you looked at him. "B-but only... only gods can do that to other gods! An-and.... wait.... look Chishi," you stammered, pointing at a piece of paper. This one was different, seeing as it wasn't moving like the other pieces of trash. You crawled over to it, picking it up. "Do forgive me (Y/N), I was only meaning to send Chishiya, but as usual, he finds a way to rope you into his business against your will. You're both stuck here until you complete the deadly games with the other mortals. And yes I say other mortals, because... well, you're mortals until you complete the games. I hope you know I only wanted to send Chishiya away so you and I could be together for a bit, I do miss you so. Love, and Goodluck, mom..." you read, tears filling your eyes. Chishiya held onto you tightly as your tears fell onto the paper. "Your mother is a psychopath. Noted," he whispered. You chuckled through your tears, as he rubbed circles into your back. "What do we now?" You whimpered. "Play the games, I assume. It's the only way to get back," he answered. "But she said they were deadly... we could die!" You exclaimed. He brought you closet to him, placing your head on his chest. He placed a hand protectively behind your head, trying to calm you down. "I won't let you die.... and neither would your mother. And it won't come to that either, because I will do everything in my power to protect you," he said quietly. You took several shaky breaths, grabbing onto him. "You mean we protect each other, right?" You questioned. "I'll that makes you feel better," he answered.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Yay!! This was so much fun to write and I'm so glad I got it done! Also, I apologize for any spelling mistakes I may not have caught!

[idnek83]

Hey it’s angst o’clock: before Kaz and Gundham get together, when they still kinda hate each other, 2 of the Devas have babies and everyone takes turns babysitting the litter while Gundham works. Kaz’s turn comes and he finds one of the babies has died and fREAKS THE FUCK OUT. Like sobbing cuz he’s never had a pet before let alone seen one die and so he takes the baby and flees and everyone thinks he just straight up stole a baby but really he’s fucking horrified and terrified to tell Gundham cuz he fucked it up and the baby is dead cuz of him somehow. And someone, maybe Sonia, finds him and talks him down and they go to Gundham who is more upset that Kaz “stole” a baby but once he realizes what happens he understands. Being a Breeder he probably sees animal death a lot unfortunately. But he helps comfort Kaz and forgives him and lets him help with the living babies and maybe that’s how they start becoming actual friends and sometime down the line they realize oh fuck I’m actually in love with this dude when did that happen IDK SHOWER THOUGHTS WOULDNT LEAVE ME ALONE I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE SORRY

You think you can come onto my blog and just rip my fucking heart out, huh? Right in front of my mutuals? You think you can just rip my heart out and force me to write something sad so everyone else has to feel sad too?

Good. Cus you 100% can lol.

TW: animal death - It’s mentioned repeatedly and is the central theme of this, so please just skip this one if you think you might be uncomfortable reading it. 

Gundham comes into the class one day and he’s super proud and showing off the baby hamsters to everyone. He’s a little embarrassed to ask for help, but he’s working on a very important conservation project or something, so he asks if anyone would be willing to keep an eye on them for an hour or two at a time over the next few days, insisting that it wouldn’t be hard, all they really had to do was make sure they didn’t escape and call Gundham if something went wrong. At least like half the class offers cus the babies are just so damn cute, Soda only offers cus Sonia did and he’s trying to impress her.

Gundham sets up an enclosure for the hamsters in the classroom, and everyone picks a time to come by to watch them.

When Soda’s turn rolls around a few days later, he’s secretly a little excited. He’s been complaining about it the past few days to keep up appearances, can’t have anyone suspecting that even tough he can’t stand Gundham, he also kind of has a soft spot for him (What? Dudes handsome), but he’s actually pretty psyched to get to spend some time just chilling with the baby hamsters. He’s never had his own pet, but he’s always wanted one.

Anyways, when he gets to the class he checks on all the babies and as far as he can tell they’re all good. He gives pets them for a bit, but then they seem like they’re trying to go to sleep so he leaves them and sits at a desk to play around on his phone for a while. Like 40 minutes later he gets up to check on them again.

They’re pretty much all huddled up, and Soda thinks it’s super cute, but he notices one lying down a bit away from the rest. He assumes it must have rolled away in it’s sleep, or that it got kicked out since its the smallest one, so he goes to move it back over to the hamster pile.

It’s cold when he touches it.

He knows pretty much right away what that means, but he doesn’t want to believe it. He pokes it a bit and tries to scratch it’s whiskers to get it to react, but it doesn’t move. He’s already crying, but then he starts thinkin about how it was probably something on his hands that killed it. He didn’t was his hands after finishing up in his garage, and he must have had oil or something on his hand when he was petting the hamster and now it was dead.

He’s hyperventilating.

He’s worried he killed them all, but looking at the hamster pile, the rest of them all appear to be breathing still. He’s too scared to touch them to make sure.

He’s sure its his fault. His fault for touching the hamster with dirty hands and his fault for not paying more attention. The hamster was probably acting weird before it died, if he had just been paying attention he could have called Gundham and it would still be alive.

He’s a murderer.

Sonia was supposed to be the next person watching the hamsters. He couldn’t let her see the dead baby hamster, couldn’t let her know he killed it. He looks around the room and finds a little box to put it in. He’s chocking on his sobs as he picks up the hamster, and he nearly drops it because his hands are shaking so bad. Once it’s in the box he has to take a moment cus he thinks he might vomit from how guilty he feels. 

There’s like 10 minutes before Sonia is supposed to get there, so he takes one last look at the other hamsters, picks up the little box that has no right feeling as heavy as it does, and leaves.

He doesn’t really know where to go so he just heads up to the roof to get some fresh air and think, sobbing the whole way. He’s pretty sure he saw Sonia down one of the hells on his way up, but he just prays she didn’t see him and that she doesn’t remember how many hamsters there were.

He sits with the box in his lap, shaking. 

He thinks he feels it shift.

His chest seizes up. Was it alive? Had he really not killed it? He can feel the hope swelling up inside him as he slowly opens the box-

It’s dead.

It’s definitely dead and now its lying on its side and its little eyes are staring right at Soda and it takes him a minute to realize his sobs have turned into screams of agony. The hope made it so much worse.

He closes the box again and sets it down so gently beside him, before curling in on himself and just sobbing and screaming into his hands so hard his whole body is shaking from it.

He’s a murderer. He killed a defenseless animal. A baby. It was only a few days old and he killed it.

Suddenly there’s a warm hand on his back, rubbing just a little and bringing him back down to earth. His sobs slowly get weaker and he manages to look up, though his vision is still blurred with tears. He can make out dark clothes, pale skin, and a bright purple scarf. He assumes Gundham is there to punish him.

Gundham just asks him what’s going on, says Sonia called him because one of the hamsters was missing and she thought she had seen Soda running away from the classroom earlier. They assumed he had taken one of the hamsters for himself, but that didn’t explain why he was crying on the roof.

Soda realizes that the only reason Gundham isn’t beating him senseless is because he doesn’t know the hamster is dead.

“I killed it.” He starts sobbing harder the second the word leave his mouth. He feels Gundham’s hand tense on his back

“What.” Gundham definitely sounds pissed now. He’s not yelling, but his voice sounds deadly. Soda accepts that he’s about to get the shit kicked out of him, accepts it even. He deserves it.

“I-it must have been the oil on my h-hands or something, I don’t know. I s-should have been paying more attention, but when I looked at them gain it was-” his voice is cut off by another sob, and he’s just waiting for Gundham to hit him. To his surprise, some of the tension in Gundham’s body dissipates.  

“Where is the poor creature?” Gundham doesn’t sound angry anymore and Soda doesn’t understand. He just gestures towards the box, he’s too much of a coward to even look at it again.

Gundham gets up and opens the box. Soda hear him exhale sadly after a moment, before returning to Soda.

“It would seem we have both been mislead.” Gundham sits beside Soda and starts rubbing his back again. He explains that Soda did not kill the hamster, it seemed like something must not have developed right internally, and it simply died of natural causes. There was nothing either of them could have done to save it. Soda is just amazed how calm Gundham is being.

He asks him why he isn’t more upset, and Gundham sighs and tells him that it’s unfortunately something he sees a lot, so over time he’s just gotten used to it.

Soda’s just like “That fucking sucks.” and Gundham kind of laughs sadly and say “It fucking sucks indeed.” Soda’s kind of startled by Gundham swearing and it forces an awkward little laugh out of him. 

They’re both quite for a while, then Gundham tells him he’s touched by how upset Soda was over the hamsters death, and that he’s sure the hamsters soul appreciated him mourning it, but it is simply part of the circle of life and death, so he shouldn’t get too fixated on it. Soda’s still crying a little but he nods and says he’ll try, Gundham keeps rubbing his back.

They stay up on the roof for a while longer. Soda has mostly stopped crying, but Gundham’s hand is still on his back and he tries not to think too much about it. When they stand, Gundham picks up the box before Soda can even think about it and motions for him to follow him.

They bury it in some nearby woods, Soda insists on leaving some flowers. He asks Gundham not to tell their classmate about how much he cried. Gundham just says ‘of course’, as if they didn’t spend most their free time looking for new ways to get under each other’s skin.

Later, Gundham insists that Soda comes to see the healthy babies, telling him it will help him feel better. Soda is scared to be left alone with them, so Gundham just stays by his side the whole time. Even after Gundham finishes his project and brings them back to his place, he invites Soda over to see them. He starts teaching Soda about proper hamster care and they slowly grow closer and closer.

Sometimes Soda gets a little teary eyed while looking at the other hamsters, and he’s worried Gundham will make fun of him. He never does, he always just silently rubs Soda’s back, until one day he pulls him into a hug as well.

Months later, their relationship has completely turned around. They’re both constantly talking to each other and hanging out, they even occasionally refer to the hamster babies as their children haha. The rest of the class starts making bets on when they’ll realize they’re into each other, but for the time being they’re both happy they were able to finally become friends.

[vtforpedro]

medical update and stuff. trigger warnings in tags I’m extremely frustrated. it’s been 15 months of frustration lol so so so sick of doctors, so sick of living through this. I am tired and getting no relief you might remember, but I was given a ‘possible’ IIH diagnosis in October. we’ve been treating it like it is IIH, which means everything has always been real etc etc and the treatment is weight loss. started my ‘better eating habits’ on nov 1st. then I immediately had the thing with my chemo pill packing on a ton of excess fluid, worsening my head to the point of ER and calling my neurosurgeon, getting taken off my chemo pill, and it wasn’t until mid-december that I actually started to see any fucking weight loss cause of that my pcp told me 5lbs a month. so I’ve been right on track with that despite wishing I could lose 10 a month but that’d be starving myself so lol I’ve lost 15lbs but now something exciting is happening again!! I am retaining fluid and I have NO idea why. which means my head is now as bad as it was last summer when everything was at its worse. constant all day long, pills barely doing anything for me, vision issues, pain issues. it feels like something broke in the base of my skull/neck because I get the scariest sensations there. it’s horrible. no human being should have to live this way and I do it every single day, numerous times a day anyway I had to go to the ER last thursday A G A I N because a doctor sent me. my pupils were noticeably two different sizes. I’d noticed three days beforehand and convinced myself I was imagining it cause it wasn’t a huge difference. finally took a picture and no, def not the same size and my eye looked like it was going inward? anyway, called my pcp, they had me come in that day, he saw it from a foot and a half away, sat back, and said I need you to go to the ER, you need your brain looked at. so again, I’ve been seeing this for three days while my head has been 10/10 extreme due to pressure in it. I get there and have to wait a while but less than two hours later when they finally looked at me? gone. pupils back to normal. doctor talking down to me like I was just an anxious mess and not that another dr sent me cause he saw what I did lol and his notes were in my chart. so, wasted visit and they put a covid patient 15ft from me and intubated them, so get to remember what that sounds like forever and ever (covid patients are supposed to be separated from other ER patients). now I’m doing a 10 day quarantine while I am so severely disabled I cannot bend over to take care of my cats food/litter/etc and it’s why my mom half lives with me but she can’t right now :) getting a covid test in three hours and it’s been eight days with nothing but head issues + fluid retention so hoping it’s negative the fluid retention I had before was a side effect of my chemo pill. I don’t know why this is happening. I should be 17lbs down now and I’ve actually gained weight despite being on the same diet that lost me the 15. I’m back to 13lbs down. this makes me feel like I might be carrying 4lbs of water weight. let me break this down because yesterday a PA told me my symptoms were too ‘ambiguous’ to say if fluid retention is happening or not - fluid retention from the chemo pill was ALL felt in my stomach. it was distended and bloated like I’d eaten at a buffet every single day - head got massively worse, enough to go to the er, doc and I agreed the fluid retention causing me to fluctuate between 15lbs was making the IIH worse - not urinating often despite drinking a normal amount - got on a diuretic, seven days later the weight was gone, head was better, started losing weight this is what I’m experiencing now - fluid retention that is causing my stomach to feel very bloated and look/feel distended - head has gotten massively worse, enough to send me to the ER - should be losing weight, have actually gained weight on a low fat, low calorie diet - the only difference this time is that I am dehydrating myself (yes I know, bad, but it is literally saving my life) because I experimented one day with half my water intake and my head was miles better. still experiencing a terrible head episode once or twice a day but it’s not 10/10 constantly - and the second difference is despite not drinking enough water, I am actually urinating more often and it’s a lot more clear than it should be, the color I expect when I’m hydrating well I consider this ^^^^^ to be a good case of why I think I have fluid retention but being told my symptoms were ‘ambiguous’ and throwing me to my neurosurgeon instead is HNNNNG (esp because diuretics are known to help IIH symptoms FOR THIS EXACT REASON) I have VERY recently had my sugars checked a few times, glucose is normal. VERY recently had an abdominal CT, also normal. it’s not diabetes, it’s not something happening in my abdomen. they hear abdomen vs legs swelling and think it’s GI because doctors never fucking listen and actively put their patients in danger but o h w e l l, I guess anyway as it’s been for 15 months, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I go this way and experience agony, I go that way and experience agony I need extra hydration for weight loss, leukemia, being obese. I need less hydration because it worsens IIH to the point of 10/10 I want to die (which makes me heavily and actively suicidal. doctors see I take anti-depressants and assume idk I’m being dramatic but no, it’s really this fucking bad. I would rather die that moment than keep feeling what’s happening in my head) there’s like no middle ground and my body and these doctors are making it impossible to figure this shit out. my mom had to come over at 1:45 AM last night (hasn’t had to rush here since april 2020 cause that’s just how bad it is) because I lost my balance twice and was lucky I had something to catch onto or I would’ve been on the ground (neuro symptoms which could be IIH, could be chiari, could be stroke) and my speech got SUPER bad almost immediately. scared the hell out of me, I have never in my life lost balance that badly before things are going downhill and I would’ve thought losing weight they’d start improving but when has my body ever made this easy lol meeting a new neurologist on monday who works in the same building with my neurosurgeon. I’ve been avoiding them cause every single one of them told me I was just anxious despite specific physical movements causing an episode lmao but hopefully this guy is better and he has access to all of my neurosurgeon’s notes and stuff. I can’t keep dehydrating myself but at the same time I can’t let my head get so bad I make a farewell note for my mom, you know? it’s just been really bad and I don’t know how to get people to listen to me. I have a 99% diagnosis and they still don’t take me as seriously as they should. this has ruined my quality of life and they would have you believe that doctors take that seriously but they do not neurosurgeon wants me to see an ophthalmologist again cause of my vision issues and to check for specific things that relate to IIH. he wants another MRI done in early may cause it’s been a year since my last one by then (actually a month later, my last one was in april, but I’m curious if the neurologist will order one sooner) to check to see if anything has worsened so yeah living in absolute hell again and don’t know if I can just get a simple one week diuretic to get this fluid out of my body. what the FUCK else can it be when I’ve experienced this exact thing twice!! before. it happened to a much, much lesser degree the first time I got on the chemo pill. but the same shit :) hanging on by the thinnest thread guys and 15 months of feeling like I’m going to die almost every single day through that has destroyed my psyche. destroyed me as a person. I don’t know what to do anymore sorry this is all a lot of Bad™ but it’s been a lot of bad for 15 months. if I can keep going, I hope one day to be able to give an update of improvement love you all

[jae-canikeepyou]

| temporary | j.jh

pair: jaehyun x fem!reader

genre: angst?? idek what else to describe what i wrote (nonstop) but yeah idk you judge :D

a/n: i don’t want this to flop just because it’s sad hours.. jk! there’s 7.1k words down there but hey, angst could be good, but i don’t think this is well written because the structure writing’s meh. so aNywHo i hope what’s below could touch your heart? pls lmk! enjoy reading! ~j

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you hate this.

you hate the smell of some random sharp chemical scent stinging your nose, the bland flavours of each meal, the repeated uniform gowns put onto you like you were attending school again. well you were supposed to be until medical records showed you were sick. not dying but based on several incompatible matches and rejected cases to cure your condition, you knew the trail you stood on was heading there.

it was dreadful, knowing that the weeks turned to months— waiting sucked big time especially when you continuously had to cross out days without a specific date to look forward to.

“don’t worry y/n. this is all temporary.” was the only sentence your brother told you.

you hoped all this would be a hurdle to jump over, like another race to finish. running along the track line had its perks. you get to challenge yourself at the endurance you have while the time ticked and caused a rush of exciting adrenaline. the audience were cheering too. the downfall?

you were tired.

to the point you wanted to stop this illness so you wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. the track drawn out for you was neverending.

here’s the good part though,

jaehyun was with you all since the day you arrived, and cheering for you too— like your own personal health companion. the encounter with him was amusing now that you recalled it.

( three months ago )

you sat comfortably on the bed, still adjusting to the new yet familiar setting. “change into this gown, and i’ll assist you to the doctor once you’re done.” nurse kim, better known as jisoo, patted your shoulder before she tended to others in need.

“thank you.” you mouthed, throat still sore from crying because you didn’t want to be back in the hospital. though you really felt fatigue consuming you and energy was vacuumed out of your system, you forced yourself to change anyway.

not until your peripheral spotted a young man opposite from you stared at your body that was half way to exposing. he knew you were about to react, so he rushed to cover your mouth and managed to muffle out a scream trying to escape your lungs. “shhh! please don’t!” he pleaded and gosh how melodic his voice was for a baritone.

thank heavens this man was ethereal, or else you would’ve smacked him with your fists like any other stranger intrusion. he finally let go of you knowing you’ve calmed down. “hi? i’m sorry if i came off as perverted but i mean no harm! i’m friendly!”

“well hello friendly.” your sarcasm on point. “what are you doing in my side of the i.c.u.? there’s a curtain surrounding my corner and how did you get in here without my knowledge? i should be able to notice you either way.” you hugged your torso.

he crossed his arms at the tone of your voice. ”it’s jaehyun. my name’s jaehyun.” he corrected and sat at the end corner of the bed. “that’s kinda hard for me explain.”

“what’s hard to explain-”

“it’s like how it is to a math solution.” he said, his body adjacent to the window. “go on and change. i won’t look.”

you rolled your eyes and kicked him off of the bed. “ugh you’re a pain. i’ll be more assured if you’re out of here.” you took off your clothes and into the new fabric and observed his back figure. he had toned muscles denting slightly under his denim pajamas and white home slippers. he didn’t leave, just kept his word by not peeping at you.

the bed creaked softly alerting him of your finished action. “ah, you’re done!” he exclaimed and turned around in interest.

“what business do you have here if i may ask?” you went to the extent of covering yourself with another pillow.

jaehyun hummed as he rubbed his chin, dimples hollowing and prominent stubbs pricked his fingers. “i’m looking for something i left. it’s a keychain.”

“couldn’t you just go to the lost and found section?” you asked, shooing him away while you scrolled down your phone. again he didn’t leave. “how long are you staying?”

a sly grin crept his face. he leaned closer to you as if he were to kiss you. “as long as you want me to-”

“gross!” you slapped him but he read your actions, stopping your from pursuing. “just find the damn item and leave!”

“fine sheesh.” he shrugged and began searching it under the bed, crawling around to see if it was there.

boredom soon came and you tried to clear your mind from what just happened. you went to the camera icon to take a picture of him to show to your best friend. the viewfinder captured his fluffy hair, side profile with his dimples stapled to his cheeks. his lips were pursed and brows were scrunched. as you sent it, you laid back inclined to the bed, waiting for him to say ‘eureka!’ or ‘found it!’.

but he said neither.

your phone dinged soon enough that your eyes widened.

[09:03] yuna: did you see a cockroach crawling again? if yes then you’re a bad photographer 😆

you let out a long “ha?” and jaehyun looked up to see your face as sour as it could get. “what’s wrong?” he asked and sat next to you as if you both were close already. his face turned blank when his eyes looked at the phone, and he knew you saw his change of expression.

“this is what i mean it’s hard to explain.”

there was a long silence and then it hit you. it wasn’t sheer panic bubbling your lungs or fear overpowering your mind. more of a fascinated shock of a revelation. “y-you you’re—”

jaehyun smiled embarrassingly, scratching the nape of his neck. “yeah.. i’m a—”

“a ghost.” “an angel.”

“what? no! i’m not a ghost!” he shifted on the bed, furthering away from you at the comment. “ghosts haunts people. angels protects people.” his hand gestures explaining his current identity was hilarious.

the phone was on low power mode so when it dimmed, you tapped on the screen, the picture you took show no one but the floor and the bed’s corner. and you haven’t laughed in a while, this jaehyun was entertaining when he defended. “pretty sure that’s not how i encountered you earlier. you scared me.” you raised a teasing brow.

“it really wasn’t my intention.”

the sigh he let out made you laugh more, his surrendering whine would stay in your head forever. “were your wings removed, jaehyun?” you asked. “can other people see you? or am i the only one who can see you? oh wait. this is a million dollar question.” you brought your hands together and he definitely wasn’t amused. “are you even alive?”

he flicked your forehead and you swore there was a red mark on it. “yes. yes—well only children— yes. and.. no.“ he said softly, the latter expressed in sorrow and his shoulders slouched low. “i woke up at the rooftop of the hospital one day because of this soft blanket hugging my back, they were my wings. i knew i wasn’t alive anymore. so when i came to accept it days after, i wanted to try out flying around the city and jumped off the hospital grounds and i fell instead of flying.”

“pfft! what you get from trying out something you ain’t familiar with, fallen angel.” you covered your mouth in realisation but jaehyun wasn’t agreeing with your assumption. “literally you are?”

“i’m not that type of angel. maybe i have some unfinished business, i don’t know. but i’d like to think i’m an angel!”

you hummed, convinced enough at this event. “ah maybe because you left your keychain? that’s counted as unfinished.”

another strong flick numbed your forehead. “no? we can’t bring stuff to heaven.” he gurgled at your innocence. “you’re going to help me find the solution to gain my earthly memories and my unfinished business so i can go to the other side.” jaehyun held your hands, the grip strong yet soft all at the same time.

“why me?” you exchanged looks from him and the view outside. “i’m no expert in this field.”

jaehyun’s eyes twinkled; not in awe but in desperation. “you are the only person who can help me. i can’t rely on children because.. they’re children and they’re so young.”

well that’s common sense, y/n.

“i’ll help.” not knowing why you agreed, but your heart just ache for this beautiful man. he couldn’t remember how he passed, he seemed desperate too, and needed someone to talk to. maybe you could fill in that role before the time came for him.

“thank you!” he had his fists clenched, twirling around as he yelled out the window. “i haven’t gotten your name yet.” his hands fell faintly onto yours, almost a tingly feeling.

“y/n.” you took his hand for a shake, holding onto it dearly. “i’m y/n, nice to meet yo-”

suddenly, his lips kissed the area where he flicked you. “well my dear y/n..” he smiled. “..consider this contract signed. there are conditions, but we can discuss that later.”

life in the hospital starting today wouldn’t be too boring. he stood beside the bed with the most starstriking smile you’ve ever seen, celebrating his awaited desire. you befriended jaehyun and he wasn’t a patient or part of the medical staff. he looked at you with bliss; the sun illuminated from behind him and that really confirmed it..

no, he wasn’t a ghost. he was indeed a spirit.

or angel. he’ll probably prefer that way.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

your brother became more protective than he usually was. straight to the hospital for you was added to his tight schedule and even then he was able to find time to care for you despite that. if you were to talk about the best big brother in the world, he was definitely the first place even in another life.

“guess who’s here.” taeyong cooed and pulled the curtains as he entered your area in the i.c.u. he found it strange when you didn’t greet him with your handshake nor a smile.

he sighed quite heavily at the bowl prepared for you, it turned cold and he placed his bags on the chair beside you. “hey kiddo, you have to eat something, yea?” he brushed your strands away to see your welling eyes looking at the distance outside. the window was the only thing separating you and the world.

most of all, your social life.

taeyong looked back to the day at campus two years ago; he remembered how he rushed to the university clinic after his lecture, stumbling as his legs gave in seeing you with the same pained expression. he should be used to the sight, but each time you end up in a place he never wanted you to be in, it was like seeing it for the first time.

he also remembered how his eyes trailed to your arms that rubbed your mid back. the nurses calming you with words of encouragement that you’d be fine. you didn’t like how you caused him so much worry, maybe one more push he’d be exploding into flames because you weren’t getting any better.. or probably he’d lose some hair because of the stress.

“i.. don’t want to eat.” you weakly pushed the tray on the mini table above your thighs. “i’m sick of this place and i’m sick of being sick. i just wanna go home.”

he knew that certain voice you have which made his heart sunk, but he knew you too well that you missed his cooking. “i know, but it’s short-lived, your condition is curable and you staying here is temporary.”

uh-huh.. that word again.

“and i made you these.” the cushion of the bed lowered due to his weight, making you shift to him. “fried corndogs. added a little twist to it with johnny’s help with the sauce. eat it before nurse jisoo arrives.”

at the corners of your eyes, jaehyun’s lips puckered at the sight of food. this caused you to save a box for him. you gave him a wink and set that aside. you could feel his figure arching to sit next to you as he began eating his share.

“you’re more afraid of her than i am.” you teased taeyong, finally smiling. “get her number already or else i’ll tell her how you’ve been crushing on her since forever.”

“forever’s an exaggeration, sis.” taeyong picked the stick and handed it to you. “it’s only been three months.”

“and three months means your cowardice is really preventing you from doing that.” the crunch from the dish made him tickle you in all vulnerable places and you rolled your eyes remembering the warning of your body’s strength exertion.

jaehyun nodded in agreement, licking the mustard that stained his fingers. “yeah, that’s a coward right there. can i give him lessons?” he stated, and you nearly choked in giggles.

taeyong then checked his watch, pecking you a kiss which got you forming questions at the back of your head. “oh the time.”

you gently placed the devoured stick into the box and dove in other sticks for seconds— or thirds. “you’re leaving? you just got here.”

he gave a wink and tugged the curtains. “not yet. i’m doing what you suggested me to do.” he gestured his palms, indicating that he would attempt to actually get her number. “she’s gonna be off duty in five. later honey.”

focused on the meal, you waved at him as you continued eating. jaehyun scooted closer to you. both enjoyed the meal and he hummed a song; something he would do when his palate craved food from the world. “i still find it unbelievable that taeyong couldn’t see me.” he giggled while the crisp sound of the batter synchronised with yours.

“you mean how you’re finally able to eat actual food each time he comes here.” your voice almost bursting into laughs of mockery, but held them in since jaehyun has been helping you as well. he nudged you gently and ever so sweetly, a toast cheer from your meals.

“yeah, but it’s because we have connection y/n, i’m able to eat solid food. so thank you.”

being locked in an all white room prevented you from going outside, that was fine since jaehyun was there with you, you wouldn’t be that bored. the pact you created with him was so simple that you could memorise it in a second. his requests were you both would be together everyday, cater to each other’s needs, eat and watch some series he missed out or discontinued.

and in the three months being with him, days were getting better. he actually knocked down the walls of your thoughts of hopelessness, encouraged you during your sad hours and hyped you up when you have some rehabilitation sessions. medical staffs were shocked that for someone whose condition was clearly on the verge, the will to live was written all over you.

jaehyun appreciated the ideas you’ve given him; memories or events that he might’ve forgotten, or any category he used to love like sports / music. he mentioned he knew how his family looked like, but not their names nor his home address. so he couldn’t visit them. though there was little progress and countless of bickers regarding the matter, you both were getting somewhere on each ends. and in the midst of it, you had each other as support.

“does your family or ancestors have some kind of gift?” he sunk down with you at the inclined bed rest. “while taeyong might not have it, you do?”

“maybe, but i’m not sure. we don’t talk about these things.. of the unknown, ghosts and spirits and-” your jaw dropped when he bit the remaining half of the corn dog from the stick you held. “jaehyun!”

“how many times do i have to tell you i’m a guardian angel?” he immediately rebutted your clumsy referral while chewing deliciously. “specifically yours, so don’t deny my role for you.”

your heart skipped beats. the claim he just did was heartwarming, and it was the first he said anything nice since your introductions months prior. “w-who said you’re my a-angel?” you batted your lashes.

jaehyun pointed at himself and disappeared to somewhere you do not know where he’d go considering he wasn’t familiar within the city. at night it was always like this, at 8pm sharp, he’d leave without saying goodbye, leaving you alone. then he would return the next day, greeting you with the same smile. maybe being an angel had its curfew too?

but as the sun rose the following morning and the colours merged into the prettiest pair the city ever witnessed, jaehyun anticipated the minute he sees your eyes slowly opening then adjusting to the light of the day. your calm beauty had him awestruck. he never felt this way before, more so, it was the first since he became a spirit.

come on come on come on, he stared at the hand of the clock, just one more second—

“hey.” he froze once he heard you and hesitated to turn around. “this is a new look on you.”

jaehyun shyly did so anyway, ears red that his planned surprise for you ended up failing. “do you like it?”

the long hums of your morning voice was more nerve-wrecking than waiting for the time to reach its end. “like? i love it! you look fresh!” you complemented him in all honesty.

until today, he wore the same denim pj’s and lets not question whether he does change. what struck you was that he wore a simple white tshirt with denim jeans, pairing them with a brown suede ankle boots. that wasn’t the key point of his fashion today.

rather, he topped his attire with costumed angel set; a halo and wings. when a proud smirk appeared, it got to you that he was really handsome. “sweet. oh i got you breakfast.” he tossed two sandwiches, carefully wrapped yet your nose could smell its delish filling.

“thanks.” you accepted them. “i didn’t know angels have their allowances.”

“we don’t. i used your cash.” jaehyun said, playing with the change coins. he flinched for cover, your hands in attempt to hit him.

you pinched his cheeks with the support of his hollowed dimples. “i told you to tell me if you’re going shopping with my money! is the costume included too?”

“i was supposed to but it seemed like you were having a nice dream!” he poked your forehead and there was no chance to fight back because for one, it was part of the contract. “and i’m sure it’s a nice one..” he trailed off, pointing at the small drools on your pillow.

his dimples started to show and you couldn’t resist its existence. “be thankful you’re really cute. anyway, did you ask children to do it for you again?”

jaehyun scratched the nape of his neck. “yes, and i treated them in return. who are you texting?” he hovered over you.

your lips straightened to a flat line. “i’m talking with jinho. he said he’s coming but you know men, they sometimes break promises. he’s probably not going to come again today.”

jaehyun didn’t know why his heart squeezed, if it was for how you were treated unfairly or if it was just him. he wasn’t in the position to feel this way towards you. yet because it was you— someone he spent three months with— he thought maybe it was normal to have such feelings. he visits you every single day, cared for you, be with you when your boyfriend not once ever did.

the thing was, did he have the right to keep these unexplainable bubbles of emotions in his gut? it wasn’t like you belonged with him anyway. just why did jaehyun hate it when your lips utter jinho’s name when he never acted like your beloved?

“why are you still with him when he doesn’t show affection for you?” jaehyun pat your head in comfort.

“maybe because i love him.” you typed on the screen to message him, yet stopped a while when he said those words. he was right, if jinho truly loved you, he’d be here already. so you stayed silent instead and divert the conversation. “oh this can help your memory! about love! did you perhaps have a girl-”

*zing!* sharp stings pierced and came to jaehyun’s temples like arrows.

he held the pain in as he didn’t want to worry you. “i’m gonna head out for a bit, y’know fresh air.” he swallowed his own saliva, hoping you didn’t hear it. he didn’t mean to be rude and disappear at you like that. his chest squeezed again at the thought of you with someone else.

he didn’t know what love felt like until now.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

it was unexpected.

jaehyun never imagined he would fall for you so soon, or ever thought of you nothing more than a friend who’d help him go to the other side. if he had to describe the relationship you both have, that’d merely be a boss-client kind of thing. yet he still knew that there was a connection despite him not being human anymore. there were frequent playful nudges and he waited half a year to be able to communicate with people. you were special.

special in a way that you treated him like he was alive again. you didn’t care about whether people would give you stares as your silhouette seemed like you were talking to yourself or someone they couldn’t see in the naked eye, or how nurse jisoo and taeyong would ask why you didn’t eat all of your meal only to save the other half for him. he was spoiled by you, where it was supposed to be the way around. sometimes he wondered if he was the right angel to look after you. in the end, it was him who initiated the contract and you complied without hesitations.

as if he were to watch a movie— except he wasn’t— pictures flashed before his vision, from a blurred quality to a clearer one. it was short, yet it was not enough to tell him what they were. maybe it was a memory, but he couldn’t put the scenes together.

he rubbed his eyes and felt the light gust of wind from children running through him with a ball in their hands.

then another fragment came to his sight, the sting of his temples ache like ones in the room. bright lights from the memory have blinded his eyes before it was replaced by the sun’s rays.

what the heck? he thought.

—

jaehyun kicked the stones that were separated from the cracked concrete ground. the way the stones rolled was identical to his churning stomach. he wondered how you were doing and later smiled to himself when he saw you waving at him from your window.

his palms were brought out to wave back except your lips didn’t utter his name. it was jinho, who happened to behind him; holding flowers.

of course.

he forgot about it for while; you have a boyfriend.

by this time he started to question if angels or spirits actually do have feelings; romantically. televisions never specified this fact. taeyong appeared in his field of view, who successfully asked jisoo out on a date. since when did hospitals served as a love spot? clearly his mood changed, but seeing you noticing him and waved at him, he decided to apologise for cutting you off earlier.

and he wished he shouldn’t have entered the i.c.u, from the door entrance the curtains were slid to the bedside. you were embraced in his arms, held onto dearly. he saw the tears rolling down your cheeks. a bouquet of flowers wrapped around your fingers. not wanting to intrude or ruin the moment, he turned around to give you space. it was your personal life after all.

he thought that maybe if he were alive, would things turn out differently if he met you? he would probably treated you better if ever.

jaehyun leaned against the door frame of the i.c.u. the human him would tell him he was definitely heartbroken witnessing that. he was supposed to be happy for you; you were improving mentally, recovering physically even if it was slow. your boyfriend finally visited you.

speaking of the said person, he felt jinho’s figure leaving the room, brushing past and through him. so he looked back at you, who was staring at him with a weak smile.

were you okay?

then tears brimmed at the edge of your eyes.

yeah, you definitely weren’t okay.

“y/n?” jaehyun called out and approached your bed, being the curtains to a close and sitting beside you afterwards. “what’s wrong? why did jinho leave so soon?” he pointed.

your face went pale and though ordinary people would know it was due to the illness, jaehyun knew it was about something else. he held your hands, pulling you gently for a hug. it was still funny if you think about it; how you could hug an angel physically. “we called quits. it was mutual though, don’t be too shocked.” you fixed your chin onto his shoulder and felt him tense at the revelation.

“why? you wanted him to come over and he did. you should be happy.” jaehyun stared into your swollen eyes, cupping your jaw to wipe the fallen tears away. “he gave you flowers, hugged you.. what’s lacking?”

“that wasn’t a normal hug.. it was a parting one. jinho told me he couldn’t take it.” you began, leaning more into his touch. “he doesn’t like that he’s incapable of helping me get through all this. seeing me suffering was too much for his heart.”

jaehyun’s fists balled and you could see them shaking. his eyes turned darker the more you explained. “so he was thinking of himself more than he thought of you?” his tone raised and you flinch at the volume. “where’s the mutual in that, y/n? you agreed to his selfishness even if you’re hurting so much?”

“it is mutual jae.” you sniffed, sitting up properly to expound further. “for the past three months i’ve been wanting him to come here because i wanted to break up with him. i wanted to tell him that he should get used to..” your voice trembling and jaehyun held you close. “..that he should get used to not having me around anymore. i fell out of love. so if there’s anyone who’s selfish, it’s me.”

“what.. are you saying?..” he asked softly. “it sounds like you’re giving up.” referring to your existence around the people you love. “are you giving everything up? all we did to improve your condition?”

a sob escaped your lips and you covered your face because you couldn’t look at him in the eye as you answer. you didn’t like to appear weak to him than you already were. “jaehyun, when you disappeared, the doctors came and said there was no kidney donor. it��s finalised. they’ve contacted local and overseas hospitals and none were of my match. i’m getting sicker each day and i really appreciate the motivation you’ve given me and there’s nothing left in my soul to fight any longer.”

“no no no no. please me tell me you’re not serious, y/n.” he begged. “tell me that you’re going to rethink about it and have the will to live. tell me that what we both signed up for will not go in vain. we worked hard together. we helped each other, we went through thick and thin. tell me that your decision is not permanent.”

“and what? you’re going to tell me my condition’s temporary too? if yes then you’re just like taeyong and nurse kim jisoo.” you laid back down and stared at the window.

jaehyun was about to speak when you started to sniff again. “everything that’s happening to me is always temporary.. nothing ever stays.. no one ever stays.. taeyong’s visits are limited, my personal nurse is always busy.. and what hurts me the most is that our time together is temporary too. soon enough you’ll go to the other side.. you’re only the friend i have now.”

“hey..” he cooed and now laying down beside you, wrapping you in his arms as you sunk more onto his chest. “..don’t say that. i-i’m still here.” even if he said that, jaehyun knew that that was false; that day would actually come, he just didn’t know when.

you turned to face him and hugged him tightly, sleep starting to get to your system. “when i met you, you became more of a boyfriend than jinho ever did.”

he caressed your back and you could feel the vibrations from his soft laughs. “look, i’m sure jinho did his best to be your boyfriend. and if i was your boyfriend.. well you’re talking about a guy who hasn’t gotten a single clue of who he is nor have his memories returned. my unfinished business is still a blank page. it may look temporary now but i guarantee you, i know you’ll have that new transplant, it’ll be-”

“that will never come.. i’m dying, jaehyun.”

jaehyun hummed in disagreement. he was fuming but he tried his best not to show it, that will contradict with his role of being your guardian angel. “tsk, say anything further i’m really gonna flick your forehead.”

you chuckled since it reminded you about the first day. “i mean, if i don’t make it, that would mean i get to be with you. it’s not temporary anymore, right?”

he bursted in scoffs of disbelief and you could tell he was playing around at the same time. “what? do you wanna be with me so much?” he questioned, flicking your forehead. “i wouldn’t mind having a side kick though.”

“i’m kidding, but truth to be told, you’re the best angel anyone could ask for.” you fixed the crooked halo headband for him. “no wonder children loves angels.”

“you’re acknowledging i’m an angel now, huh?” he messed your hair. “if children loves angels, what about you?”

*zing!* jaehyun shut his eyes closed. an unclear image of him locking his phone; its wallpaper of him and his parents.

tsk why am i feeling this again—

“i’ll say yes if that’s what you want to hear.” you challenged. jaehyun squinted his eyes open, to you it was pretty obvious it was what he wanted to hear.

jaehyun pinched your cheeks to awake you from reality, once again setting the memory aside. “we can’t date. i don’t want to be a rebound.” he stuck out his tongue, making you mirror the same. “you’re human, i’m an angel.”

“technically a ghost but i’ll take it as a self-proclaimed angel.” you shrugged, a curve appearing at the corners of your lips. “anyway, should we continue watching-”

the curtains separated which made you and jaehyun jolt in shock. “y/n!”

taeyong’s voice echoed the room, glad that most patients were asleep and he threw himself onto the bed. jaehyun got up, letting your brother hug you. “they were wrong!” he cried in tears of joy.

“they messed up your records. your condition was identical with another patient’s!”

you saw jaehyun giving him a look you think would pass as a meme. “what is he saying?” he asked.

“what are you saying?” you blinked several times at his shaking hands and hoarse hiccups.

“you have a donor!” he exclaimed.

jaehyun’s smile grew and as he walked towards you, he held your hands to squeeze them in congratulatory. “well, what did i say y/n? told you it’ll come.”

the pain on his temples faded it always did, but it was something he experienced quite often in the past days. he couldn’t figure what it was.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

almost everyone in the room observed how anxious you were, the fiddles of your fingers and the constant biting of your lips that they could bleed any moment now. you were moved to a new room and jaehyun poked your cheek to gain your attention and to snap out of your daydream. a satisfied grin plastered on his face when your eyes locked into his.

you thought maybe the heavens probably heard his words. last week, he did say the transplant would come, and it did. soon later, you would be having an operation; a new kidney to function. you waited for this for so long that just thinking about it, you’d probably cry again.

seeing jaehyun stare into the panorama of the city before him had your chest tightening. it wasn’t good nor bad..maybe you were just nervous that the reality of all this was actually happening. he was glowing compared to most days; and it’s not due to the sun adding extra illumination to his figure. it was like the first day, his greeting was awkward but it became something you’d never forget.

the medical staff left after briefing you, injecting anaesthesia so you could meet your slumber. taeyong messaged he would try to arrive as soon as he could, and you were assured by the time the operation’s done. now the room was silent, all you could hear was jaehyun’s shoes clicking on the marbled floor. his hands grabbing yours to comfort you.

“scared?” he asked with faint dimples trying to boast. you nodded. “you shouldn’t be. you’ve waited for this for so long. everything’s gonna turn out fine for you. and i’m here, guarding you as usual.”

you wrapped your arms around his neck, and he responded by holding your waist, sinking in deeper into the embrace. “i’m not scared now. i don’t know how different it’d be if i hadn’t met you- well, you introduced yourself first before i did, so..”

your eyelids suddenly began to drop, the drug soon kicking in. “y/n, when you come out of that room, only half of the contract’s completed. there’s still mine to go.” he said, laying you gently on the bed.

“i know. it’s just everything seems to happen so fast.” you admitted sadness, because that always was in your head since the news broke to you.

“do you have any questions before you sleep?” jaehyun propped his elbow onto the side table, fascinated how you were still trying to keep yourself awake just to converse with him. “about me. because who knows if you would remember me once you’re conscious again.”

“why would i forget my angel?” you giggled, eyes closing. “hm.. i was going to ask you this but you ditched me haha.”

“oops. sorry about that.” embarrassed, jaehyun rubbed his chin just recalling that day.

“i wanna know if you knew how love felt like. do you remember?”

*zing!* red lights circled around in a container orbit, its center rotating as if it was signalling.

jaehyun was stunned and out of words for a while. the same feeling came flushing to him as you both talked about love before. of course he knew what love was. you made him remember. love was like sailing on a boat at the open ocean before stumbling upon something so beautiful that you couldn’t take your eyes off of. “yeah i do. why?”

although you felt that you’re close to drifting to dreamland, an urge in you wanted to tell him why. “because you asked me if i ‘love’ you.”

*zing!* the clock striked 8. it doubled and tripled in vision, moving in a static way.

jaehyun felt dizzy and nauseous. please just stop..

holding the stinging pain in and ignoring it, he leaned closer. “do you now?” he asked, a sly smile creeping his mouth. “if you’re to ask me, i do love *zing* you.” he heard you manage to let out a giggle. “i love to enlighten you when you’re down. i love talking with you and stealing your food. basically just everything about you.”

“hm, same. like platonic love.” your hands find your hold his.

“mhm. platonic.. lo-” he paused due to the continuous throbbing, and gave you a little squeeze despite the hurt he had been feeling recently. hesaw how you didn’t reply, your breaths heaving softly and calmly. his smile broke out as this always happened whenever you held onto him.

what he couldn’t say out loud was that what he felt for you the entire time wasn’t a platonic love.

he really loves you like you’re his.

—

heavy pain awoke you from unconsciousness. you tried to open your eyes without letting the light blinding them. the first person you saw was taeyong and jisoo, their bodies almost covering your pan of view. your eyes craved to see jaehyun, your chest drummed fast when you couldn’t.

taeyong looked worried, brushing the strands from your face. “are you okay? do you feel any pain?” his palms caressed your face.

you didn’t answer, yet the tears wanting to fall have met its end. jisoo quickly left to find the surgeon and taeyong followed to fill in paperwork. where was jaehyun? why wasn’t he here with you? he always appear before you as soon as your eyes flutter open. you were so used to seeing his face and that you were assured he’d be there.

more than two hours have passed and jaehyun still hasn’t shown himself. so far into the day, you’ve eaten porridge, changed a new set of clothes, had a few conversations with taeyong and jisoo, and watched the series alone. even then you waited for him to come. now you were left alone briefly again. you tried to sit up or incline the bed.

“if you needed help, call my name. did you forget me already?” jaehyun’s body assisted yours by acting as a support. “you shouldn’t move too much, y/n.”

jaehyun felt his torso like he was hugged by a koala. “i thought you’re gone. i didn’t see you when i woke up..” your voice soft and hoarse.

“i was here the whole time, behind jisoo and taeyong.” he said, puzzled by how late you noticed him.

“stay with me for a while.” you requested, and he followed. “i love how you’re always here.”

again, sharp stings hit his temples. fragments of past memories came flushing to him. they were still monotone, but this time they were clear enough to see what they were trying to portray. was it how he passed? there were people pumping his chest, people holding his hands dearly.

even without seeing his face, you could feel jaehyun was uncomfortable. he didn’t know why the pain was frequent. “is something bothering you, jaehyun?” you pulled away, and you were shocked to see him switching from solid to translucent; like he was flickering. “hey, why are you-” you reached out for him, but your hands failed to hold his. they passed through him like he was gas. you couldn’t feel him anymore.

“y/n..” jaehyun gave a painful look, something you’ve never seen before. “i think i’m fading.”

you arched your brows and lips parted at that certain sentence you thought you’d hear in the far future. “why? our contract is not done yet.” you replied, still attempting to at least touch him again. “we have yet to find your unfinished business.”

jaehyun knew what this meant. he knew what was happening. he felt stupid for not telling you sooner. “maybe it’s already revealed, i just haven’t acknowledged it.” he saw his limbs flickering then fading, taking turns of the two. he was worried, but he somehow felt safe.

it was hard to understand what he was trying to say. each word that came out of his lips were shooting your heart like daggers. you clenched your clothes by the buttons of your pajamas, tears forming then falling. “w-what do you mean? are you leave-” you quivered though you didn’t want to show it. “how long have you known?..” the reality of it now seeping into you.

“i’ve known and realised it for a week now.” he said, forcing his lips to smile, to appear unaffected. “whenever the word ‘love’-” he groaned at the pain again, bending down slowly. “..’love’ is mentioned, i feel this rush of mixed pain and happiness. i think it’s related to what i have left here on earth.”

“i knew you were acting strange, but i thought it was nothing because you’d looked fine.” you asked, trying to get off the bed to go to him. you wanted him to explain further because none of what he said was processing in your brain right now. “you seemed fine..”

“the reason why you could see me was because you’re the person who will make me remember what love is.” he held your face, and all you felt was a tingling feeling from his touch. “when i was alive.. i was a stubborn boy who only cared about himself. i never had a relationship, never appreciated the love my parents given me.”

“if you remember all this.. did your memory show you how you.. died?” you looked at him and he gave a smile, almost a parting one.

“yeah.. it was the first hint.. i was late for my basketball championship match. i was texting my parents to come to the game while crossing the street.” jaehyun chuckled, a bitter one and people could tell if they actually heard him. “i saw i was rushed to the ambulance, the sirens alerting everyone.. i was wheeled into the e.r.. i guess you know what happened next.”

then he broke down, arms bringing to his face. “..i couldn’t tell mom and dad i love them..” jaehyun weakly came forward, pulling you into his embrace. it was confusing that he could touch you, but you couldn’t. no matter how much you wanted to give him comfort like he use to do with you. he held onto you, as if he didn’t want to let you go.

“why didn’t you tell me what you’ve been feeling? why tell me now, jaehyun?” you tried to cup his face but to no avail they still went through it. you’re practically begging him to give you reasons why he had to hide it from you.

the shakiness his pupils did have shown he was scared. “i didn’t want you to feel sad about me. that’ll only destroy the joy from the news you received.”

your palms dropped to your thighs, breaths hitching and let out uncontrollable muted gasps. “i am sad now! i’m sad that you’re leaving me-”

his touch calmed you. “i never really got to say this because all we ever did was to support each other but.. i really, deeply, from the bottom of my heart.. thank you, y/n. you taught me how to love again, in the little things and..”

“jaehyun..” you sighed heavily and eventually cried with him, heart tugging your strings until they snapped.

“..and maybe that’s my unfinished business.” his smile was definitely forced.

and you did the same. “i’m glad i was able to help.. i’m glad you’re able to find what love is. but if you could love a person again, i’m sure they’re very lucky.”

hearing him let out hurtful laugh and sniffs became often as you told those words. “you are lucky you’re loved by an angel. i told you i love you, right?” his arms went through your body, then his entire body moved back like he was magnetised to something he waited for.

it was time.

you felt the same kiss on the forehead for the final time.

he saw how you wailed, craving for his embrace, like a child looking for a mother’s touch. what ached him was that you couldn’t see him anymore. the cries became louder, taeyong ran to you, thinking you were still hurt from the operation. he was an angel, he should be strong for you but all he felt was

hurt.

he shouldn’t have left your side at night. he should’ve stuck with you like glue. he wanted to spend longer time with you.

what hurt him the most was he should’ve known that three months was temporary.

your eyes caught sight of the man you stayed with you. because of him, you got to find out a lot about yourself when you were vulnerable, things that had to be dug deep in order to find that hidden gem. in the past minute you couldn’t see him. but now he was floating in the air, glowing more than usual. you smiled painfully because he still wore that stupid halo and wings, and the letters you’ve written that you hoped he wouldn’t see but he actually did.

taeyong and jisoo’s words of comfort did nothing on you, as you saw your angel jaehyun drifting further away from you. you reached out for him and he did so too and,

he smiled for the final time, tears visible and they rolled down his cheeks. “i love you, y/n. so so much.”

you cried harder and clenched onto taeyong, not caring whether it hurt him or not. your brother gave a confused look, shocked to see how much your frail body exert such sorrow.

“me too.” you wanted to tell him, yet it wasn’t close to a whisper.

you hate this.

you hate that the only person you’ve just grown to love departed from the tip of your wavering fingers.

you hate the word temporary.

[givemequeen]

don’t talk to her; draco x muggle!reader

request: what about draco falling in love with a sweet, shy, muggle girl🥺 a/n: eek, im usually not a fan of like muggle!reader or reader that isnt from Slytherin because im Slytherin (😗✌🏼) but im excited about this. i kind of dragged this along... whoops. pairing: draco x muggle!reader summary: Draco met yn when he was five at the park. As soon as they began talking he was dragged away by his father. When he returned from his fourth year at Hogwarts, he spotted her by the river.  warnings: erm, idk. angsty? year: 1985 -> 1994 word count: 3045

“Don’t talk to her.” snapped Lucius as he dragged five-year-old Draco away from a Muggle girl. Draco looked up at his dad with wide eyes. Why couldn’t he talk to you? One moment he had been playing carelessly with a random girl at the park and the next he was being dragged away by his father. Draco furrowed his eyebrows.

“Why not dad?” he asked.

“Because she’s a Muggle.” Lucius spat, his voice full of venom. “And we don’t mingle with their kind.” he added as he dragged Draco back home.

Ever since then Draco hadn’t been allowed back to the park. Instead, his father bought him one and had it set up in his backyard. Draco spent lonely afternoons sat in the swing staring at the ground trying to remember everything he could about that Muggle girl. Her eyes, her smile, her voice, the way her hand softly wrapped around his.

But as the years went by, the memory grew more and more distant until, one day, it completely vanished. Tucked away safely in the depths of his mind.

Draco was returning from his 4th year at Hogwarts, bickering in his mind about Potter, when he saw a strangely familiar Muggle girl strolling by the river near his house. He ordered his driver to stop the car and he got out. He approached the scene and hid behind a tree to watch as the Muggle girl splashed her feet in the river.

He was about to sneak away when he stepped on a twig. The Muggle girl squealed and jumped up.  She grabbed the nearest thing she found to defend herself, her shoe, and held it in front of her threateningly.

“Who are you?” she asked trying to sound confident but her voice cracked at the end. Draco raised his hands to show he was innocent and didn’t bear any weapons. “Wait a minute... I know you.” she slowly said lowering her deadly weapon. “Aren’t you that kid...” her eyebrows knitted as she tried to remember where she had seen his platinum blonde hair before. “Yeah, from the park! You live in that manor, don’t you.” a smile crawled onto her face as she pointed down the street.

“Erm, yeah.” Draco said.

“Hi, I’m yn!” she took a step towards Draco. Instead of taking a set forward, Draco backed away. “Is everything okay?” she asked.

“I need to go.” Draco muttered, rushing back to his car. He shut the door and told the driver to take him home leaving yn confused and alone.

  Draco spent the first two weeks of the Summer holiday cooped up in the room thinking about the girl. He finally knew her name. 

YN.

It rolled off his tongue naturally. Draco whispered it under his breath, each time he felt his cheeks grow warmer and butterflies flutter in his stomach. 

But he couldn’t feel this way... She was a Muggle and he was a wizard, a Malfoy, a son of a Death-Eater. It would never end well.

Draco spent his nights tossing and turning, a constant argument tormenting his head; should he head back to the riverside and try finding her again or should he stay in his room and ignore his feelings towards her.

Draco made up his mind during the 3rd week. He made up a lousy excuse of wanting to take a walk and headed to the edge of the Manor’s immense grounds. With some difficulty, Draco managed to jump over the thick wall surrounding the Malfoy Manor’s estate.

He fixed his clothes before marching towards the tree by the river where he had last seen her. When he reached the tree, Draco was disappointed to find the spot under its shade empty. He huffed and looked around, his arms swinging by his sides, to try and find some clues that could led him to yn. There was no sing of her.

As though one cue, yn’s voice could be heard from behind Draco. He jumped at the sudden noise. Draco turned to look at her, properly look at her. He now noticed how beautiful she truly was. Her brown locks cascaded down her back, silky and smooth. Draco dreamed of running her fingers through it, she was wearing a long, flowy flowery skirt that rippled with the wind and a Nirvana t-shirt.

“Looking for me?” she said, arching her eyebrow.

“I- erm- Well, yes.” Draco admitted, he stuck one of his hands into his trousers and the other went to the back of his neck, scratching the area nervously. “I’m Malfoy, Draco Malfoy.” he said.

“I’m yn yln.” she took a slow, careful step towards him as to not scare him off. “Nice to meet ya.” she smiled brightly and stuck her hand out.

“Yeah, nice to meet you.” Draco said, still unsure of what he was doing, as he shook her hand.

Draco and yn spent the rest of the afternoon sat by the riverside talking. He was careful not to mention anything related to magic. It pained him when he had to make up a fake school and lie to her about his past and family. Draco could’ve spent the rest of the summer there, lying peaceful under the basking sun with yn chatting by his side.

But the sun was setting and Draco had to return home. He somehow managed to say goodbye to her before heading back home. He jumped over the wall into his grounds and sneaked back into the manor. No one had noticed his absence. Draco wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.

That night, Draco went to sleep calmly. He didn’t toss or turn and his tormenting thoughts were replaced with yn’s friendly laughter, her warm smile and caring touch. And the hope of seeing her again.

Nearly a month had passed their first day together and Draco couldn’t be happier. He skipped around the Manor, toning it down during lunches and dinners. The atmosphere in his house towards the end of the summer had gotten darker and darker but no one told Draco what was happening.

A day before Draco’s return to Hogwarts he met with yn. They felt like best friends, as though they had know each other their entire lives. His heart swelled as he saw her approach him. yn jumped into his arms, squeezing him slightly before he, gently, set her down.

“What is it Draco?” yn asked, she noticed something different in his aura.

“I’m leaving tomorrow.” he admitted.

“Oh.” her smile faded and shoulders dropped. “Well, lets make the best of it!” she added.

“yn, I won’t be able to see you in a long time... I’ll come back for the winter holidays.” Draco grabbed her hand.

“We can call, doesn’t your school have a phone?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. Draco chuckled at that.

“No, my school doesn’t have a phone.” he said, his shoulders shaking.

“Oh... Lets enjoy our last day together, okay?” Draco nodded.

Draco had never gone through a worse first term. He sulked during every single lesson and nearly forgot to do his daily insult. Pansy Parkinson’s touch repulsed him like never before. His friends began to notice his strange behaviour but he simply brushed it off whenever they asked him. 

The day he returned for Winter Holidays was the best day of his life. He had bought yn a gift, something he could pass off as a Muggle object, and was buzzing with nerves and excitement to give it to her. They met by the river and spent the day together even if their toes were about to freeze off due to the chilly temperature that had frozen the river.

Draco’s parents were too busy to care for him but, for the first time in his life, he didn’t mind and, also for the first time in his life, he felt loved, cared for and respected. 

The gift Draco had gotten her for Christmas where a pair of white ice skates with a green snake to the side. yn had loved the gift and they made plans to meet the next day and spend the day skating (well, Draco spent it trying to teach yn to skate).

But all good things must come to an end and Draco was forced to return to Hogwarts. He spent the rest of the year counting down the days till the next time he could see yn.

“The Dark Lord will be staying with us, Draco.” announced his mother one day over dinner. He had been thinking of yn and today’s meet up when his mother told him the dreaded news. He choked on his dinner. 

Draco’s first thought was yn. What would the Dark Lord do if he found out one of his follower’s son was seeing a Muggle? He shook the thought out of his head and rushed to his bedroom without finish his dinner. The one thing he had feared all his life was finally coming true. Draco was sure he would be branded as a Death-Eater just like his father before him.

The next time Draco met with yn he was distant and left earlier than ever before. yn noticed the change and decided to follow him home. She hid behind a stray bush and watched as he jumped the wall and scrambled back home, his head hung low.

The Dark Lord come to the Malfoy Manor the very next day with Lucius Malfoy fresh out of Azkaban. Draco grimaced at his father’s sate. His beard was overgrown and his usually neat hair was a mess. The cloak he wore had several rips and he was in desperate need of a shower.

Less than a week later Draco was preparing himself for the Dark Mark. He skipped his meetings with yn and hid in his room until he was called down by a house elf. 

Voldemort was sat at the top of the dark wooded dining table, a snake curled up by his feet. Draco gulped as he approached him and nearly gaged when he was forced to kiss Voldemort’s hand.

“Very good, boy.” Voldemort hissed as he reached for his wand. Draco stuck out his left forearm and as the tip of his wand touched his bare skin. 

A sudden pang of pain overtook his sense. The blinding pain bent him over as he let out a piercing scream. Narcissa clutched Lucius’ arm and buried her face in his neck, she couldn’t bear watching her son letting out chocked cries.

As soon as Voldemort’s hand let go of Draco, he collapsed on the floor squirming around in pain, clutching his burning forearm. Narcissa reached for him and dragged him out of the hall and towards the safety of his room.

Draco remained passed out for three days. When he woke up his eyes met the mark brunt on his skin. He let out a cry and tried getting up. As soon as his feet touched the cool, wooden floor, his head felt light and he collapsed backwards onto his bed. His first thought was yn, he had completely abandoned her without an explanation.

yn still showed up, every day, to their spot. She stayed there until the sun set but Draco never showed up. A week after his disappearance yn decided to go to his house. She sneaked up to the wall and copied what she had seen Draco do a week ago. 

Her eyes bulged out of her head as she looked around. The manor was beautiful. She had only ever seen it from far way. The gardens were littered with beautiful, white peacocks that proudly stuttered around. Hundreds of different spices of flowers and trees adorned the neatly trimmed grass. 

yn sneaked towards a glass backdoor. She peered inside and saw dark wooden furniture everywhere. Her hand reached up to the door handle, trembling. Something felt wrong, apart from the fact that she was breaking and entering. 

She pushed the thought of legal punishment out of her mind and twisted the door handle. yn slipped inside before carefully and silently closing the door behind her. She tipped toed down the corridor and into a large hall. An even larger marble staircase led upstairs. 

yn had no idea what she was doing, how would she find Draco’s room? But she had no time to think, as soon as she reached a landing yn heard voices coming from around a corridor. She hid behind a credenza and watched as two adults neared her hiding spot.

“Harry Potter will be dead this time next year.” one of them said. yn froze, a murder? Did Draco know about this?

“Not even his little mud-blood friend can save her. Nor Dumbledore’s magic. The Dark Lord is too powerful.” the two voices carried past her. Their footsteps quietened down the further they got away from her.

She crawled out of her hiding spot and darted down a corridor. Paintings and potratis lined the walls and yn could’ve sworn she saw one wink. At the end of the corridor stood a carved, wooden door. yn decided to test her luck and open it. 

Inside was the most magnificent room she had ever since. The walls were silver and green. A large sitting area with two armchairs stood opposite the door. A lit fireplace in front of the chairs warming the room. On either side of the fireplace were large bookcases. She turned to look to the right and through an archway she saw a large, four-post bed.

Her mouth fell open as her eyes scanned the room, taking everything in. She approached the fireplace, the flames flickered. Behind her a door knob rattled and the door opened, she hid behind the armchair and peered over it to look how had entered the room.

It was Draco.

She smiled at him and was about to greet him when she saw the mark on his forearm. She frowned at the tattoo, a large skull with a snake coming out of his mouth ruined his milky white skin. 

She took in his body, he had just hopped of the shower. His hair was still wet, the tips of the platinum blonde stuck to his forehead. A white, fluffy towel was wrapped his waist giving yn a full view of his toned chest and arms. Draco shook his hair and reached for the towel letting it dropped.

yn couldn’t help but squeal.

“AGH!” Draco yelled turning around to face yn. He scrambled to pick up his towel but yn had seen everything. “What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get in?” Draco’s eyes snapped to the door making sure it was closed.

“Draco, quick, we need to leave. Someone is playing on murdering someone called Harry Potter. We need to alert the police.” yn said, the words pouring out of her mouth. She grabbed his arm and attempted to drag him out of the room but he didn’t flinch.

“yn, wait.”

“Draco, no- what are you doing?” she turned to him, he was holding up a dark wand. Draco bit his lower lip, mentally debating wether or not he should perform a magic spell. He shook his head and set the wand down on his bed.

“yn, sit down, there’s something I need to tell you.” he led her to the armchairs. She reluctantly sat down, her hands on her lap. Draco’s eyes fell to his feet, he shifted his weight trying to find a comfortable spot and the words to break the news to yn. “I’m a wizard...” he finally said.

yn’s eyebrows furrowed, she stared at him as she began giggling. But Draco kept his monotone face. She scanned his face, still laughing, looking for a hint of laughter but found nothing. Slowly, her laughter died down and her jaw dropped.

“What? Magic doesn’t exist Draco.” she laughed unsurely.

“Yes, look.” he stood up and padded over to his bed where his wand lay. He picked it up and twirled it around his fingers. The tip of his wand lay on a book, he swished and flicked it and the book began hovering around. 

“What-” yn said, her eyes following the book as it touched the roof and floated back down. “No.” her head shook furiously. “No, no, no, no.” she stood up, backing away from Draco.

“yn, please, I didn’t want you to know this way.” Draco walked to her.

“NO!” she yelled, her hands extended in front of her. A single tear slipped from her eye. “No, this isn’t true.” her head was shaking itself.

Draco watched, his own eyes pooling, at the disgusted look on yn’s face. He didn’t expect her to understand. Her eyes flickered down to his forearm.

“What’s that? Who is Harry Potter?” 

“Please, sit down, I’ll explain everything.” but yn shook her head.

“I’m fine here.” Draco silently begged her with his eyes but she didn’t move.

“Fine.” he said and took a seat on one of his armchairs. He began explaining everything beginning with Voldemort’s quick rise to power. Draco spoke about his defeat, about Harry Potter, Hogwarts, The Triwizard Tournament, about everything up until now. By the time he finished yn had slid down onto the floor. 

“He’s going to kill all the ‘impures’?” she squeaked, Draco slowly nodded. He stood up, his hand in hand and walked over to yn. “What are you doing?” she asked when he lifted his wand. “Draco! What are you doing?” the tip of his wand touched her left temple. yn struggled against it but he had trapped her. “No! Draco!” a tear slipped from his eye down his pale cheek. It was for the best.

“It’s going to be okay, you’ll forget this ever happened- you’ll forget me.” he said and began chanting a spell, yn shook head head furiously. She kicked and withered under his touch but Draco didn’t let go. A pearly white string began slipping out of yn’s mind. Draco fought back the tears threatening to slip from his eyes.

“I love you.” she said, her eyes going blank. Her body went limp, collapsing into his arms.

“I love you too yn.” he whispering against her forehead as he cradled her body.

tag list;

@thebeatleswritings  @beatlevmania  @i-love-queen-3000  @brians-metaphor26 @honimello  @julessworldd @storiesfrommirkwood​  @beatles-babee  @geostarr  @thiccjelly17 @crab-king-69  @in-the-frap-of-the-gods

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #459

“i wanted you to know that i love the way you laugh  /  i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away”

Does the person you like have any flaws? He's never seemed very expressive of what he feels. Has anyone ever given you a ring? Why? Yes. Because it was our anniversary and he wanted to, ig. If you ruled your own country, what type of government would it have? I'm not educated enough to answer this. Creation theory, Evolution or the Big Bang theory? I really don't know what I believe about the origins of the universe, but I do believe in evolution. Describe one of your most emotional farewells. The last time I saw Jason and we talked for a long time, and I finally got my closure. It was all so heavy. It started so stiffly, but it ended with us just chatting and smiling and, to my absolute shock, a hug from him. I'm getting emotional so NEXT QUESTION. What was your last serious conversation about? I was reassuring and comforting Sara about some stuff. Is there a city that you have a particular fondness for? If so, what city is it and why? No. Are there any gnomes in your yard? No. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Years ago. A bumblebee. Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? I am old enough, and no. The odds are way, way too small, and I don't really dabble in addictive behavior. Have you ever been into a real cave? No. :( That's a life goal, though. Have you ever posted mean comments on YouTube? I know I did once as a kid. It was regarding Meerkat Manor and I thought it was really disrespectful to Flower just because of the music chosen lmao. The drama. What color is your digital camera, if you have one? Black. If you had to spend one day in any movie storyline, which one would it be? Alice in Wonderland, I suppose? Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Oh man, I've played waaaaay too many video games. I suppose Silent Hill with how confused it left me at first. Its concept is definitely wild. Parasite Eve is high on the list, too. In your opinion, what is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Boy in the Striped Pajamas destroys me. What is the best song to make out to? I could answer this but I'm not gonna lmfao Is there anyone right now that you are simply/overly infatuated with? story of my life ayyyyeeeee Who was the last person to play with your hair? Are they cute? Not a clue. Who was the last person close to you that died? Did you cry? Jason's mom. I sobbed on-and-off for days. Do you consider yourself a healthy person? Physically and mentally? No, in either way. Do you know anyone who owns a boat? My dad does. I'm sure others, too, with how popular fishing out on a boat is here. Do you know anyone who uses medical marijuana? I don't know. Even for medicinal purposes, it's not legal here. Do you know anyone who’s died in childbirth? No. What did you do for your 21st birthday? I was in the psych hospital, so... lmao. Therapy, reading, and coloring. Lots of reading and coloring. Because they did NOT fill your schedule enough there. We only had two group therapy sessions a day, and the rest was just... blankness. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? I know I'd be one of the dumb ones that absolutely wanted a tiny raptor, lol. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? Not interested. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I don't like soup. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? My first real series that I read religiously was Hank the Cowdog. Then it was Warriors. Do you buy Halloween candy when it’s on sale after the holiday? No. I really don't need candy available to me. Do you agree with the “they’re just being kids” excuse? It depends on what they're doing. In a lot of cases, no. Do you ever watch talk shows? No. Do you have a/any hero(s)? Mark Fischbach, Steve Irwin, my mom... Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? No. Though Mom has playfully once told me that she knows a lot of things I don't think she does, and that's terrifying lmao. You’re getting married. Who’s your maid of honor and best man? M.o.H.: Mom or Sara. Best man isn't my choice. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head? DYE IT ALLLLLLL. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? My friendship ring w/ Sara. It has a heart carved on the outside and "bitch" engraved inside so no one can see when you have it on, lol. She has one that says "jerk." It's a Supernatural reference. Who challenges you the most? In what way? My therapist and psychiatrist. They just help ensure I pursue my goals and give me little nudges forward to reassure me. Who seems to hold you back? In what way? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT ME. I listen to my anxiety WAY too much. What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? Going up to Lake Gaston w/ Mom to visit Ash and her fam. They go there all the time, and it's a real nice place. I just didn't want to go because of the heat. Should there be an application process for having children? Hunny, that would not stop people from fuckin lmfao Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? m e e r k a t s What is a fear you have about living on your own? That depression would get the better of me and I'd neglect taking good care of my house. One of the many reasons I'll never live alone. Not at all saying I'd leave the responsibilities to my partner, but they'd be motivation for me to get stuff done. What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you? I don't know. Nothing that bad. What’s your stance on spooning? It helps me feel safe and loved and alsdkfjalwe I just love cuddling in all sorts lmao What’s your most recent obsession? Violet Orlandi & Melodicka Bros' cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." Have you ever been scammed? Ha ha, yes. I once wanted to get Jason a Joker and Harley Quinn pillow from deviantART; talked to the artist, paid 'em, never got it. :^) Have you ever fostered an animal? No. I would get WAY too attached to foster. I wouldn't be able to give them up without breaking down, probs. Do you know anyone who acts way younger than what they are? I'm sure I do, but no one is coming to mind atm. Would you say you’re a pretty independent person? God no. Does the last song you listened to, remind you of someone? JASON. Do you currently want a new computer? Yes, actually. I want a desktop PC for better gaming quality, honestly. Also, the "escape" key doesn't work on this laptop, one key is missing so I have to hit the sensor JUST right, and it restarts randomly sometimes. I want a PC mainly because I want to get out of the habit of being on my laptop in bed all damn day. How would your parents react if you got a tattoo? I already have like six or seven, so they wouldn't be surprised. Is there anyone you can picture yourself being with forever right now? Maybe. Who is your truest friend? Sara. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen outside of your house? THIS house? Idk. Nothing that I'd consider odd. What bug frightens you most? STAG BEETLES lkadjslkfja;lwekjawl;kejrlawer Who is your oldest friend? That would be Sam, and he's in his mid-30s. How long have you known them? Many years. We met via WoW, which I've been playing since '14. I don't really remember how far into it we met, though. Where are they right now? lol I wouldn't know, he's all the way in Jersey. Plus we haven't talked in a while. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? God no, that would be so weird. What is the best gift someone can give you? An ear to listen without it feeling like a chore to them. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No. I don't think I could do it. What is the last movie that made you cry? The The Lion King remake made me tear up. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No. Ugh, that sounds like a blast. In your life who has meant the most to you? Let's not get into this. What has been your biggest failure in life? Letting depression and my other conditions take away my identity, becoming my new identity. Do you trust yourself? No. I second-guess EVERYTHING and never know what I should listen to: my heart, my head, my gut... or which voice is what. Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances? Yes. What was the last bug you killed? Some kind in the bathroom. Idk what it was. Just a little thing that sort of resembled an earwig, but not completely. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? By myself, since it's my page. Do you know anyone who has written a book? I don't think so? Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? Ew, no. I live with another person, and even if I didn't, what if I had guests? Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Maybe? Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? Jason has. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? NOOOOOOOOOO. I'm too scared to let my eyes close and not see what's going on on the road. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? I don't believe so, no. What is the funniest thing a child has ever said to you. Definitely something my niece has said, but idr what it was. What’s been on your mind lately? Y'all know, lol. Do you feel like you need to get something off your chest? No. Sara was recently there for that. ♥ How would you react if someone told you they had feelings for you? Be very very excited if it was from a certain person.

[levi-s-shitty-brat]

Drunken Night

Summary: Levi gets a little bit drunk and returns back to his offic, where you, his right hand is just finishing some paperwork.

Pairing: Levi x Reader

Tags: fluff, pre-relationship, Levi is a little bit drunk

Word count: just a little over 3000 babe

A/N: I can't say I'm proud of this but I'm glad to be writing something even though I should be writing my dissertation. Also, I swear this was only supposed to be 1000 words idk how it became 3000.

You had told him to spend some time with the other squad leaders and the commander, at Hange’s request. He declined first, wanting nothing more than to drink tea and finish his paperwork with you, his right hand. But you persistently requested that he’d go and you’ll handle the paperwork – he deserved a night off after all and so, reluctantly, he went.

“Heichou, you’re back.”

After pushing open the door to his office, he blinked at the sight of you. He had not expected you to still be here seeing that it was the very early hours of the morning. “You’re still here?”

You looked at him sheepishly. “I literally just finished and am packing away sir.”

To be honest, you didn’t know if you were expecting him to come back to his office even if it was attached to his bedroom. Maybe he would have just passed out wherever he was.

He nodded and you were silently happy that he was not chewing you out for making him attend, but then again he might have been too tired to and would proceed to do so in the morning. Hopefully, he’ll forgive if you gave him a cup of tea and told him that most of his work was completed.

To your surprise, he didn’t move away from the door as you packed away. Instead, he observed your movements, the way you shuffled the papers into a neat pile so they could be taken to Erwin in the morning and how you filed away those that were needed later. The way you tucked your hair behind your ear before you put away the stationery you used.

You figured that he was trying to make sure you were tidying up properly, in the exact way that he liked it.

Just as you were finishing, Levi then, almost suddenly, moved to the couch which was pushed to the wall. His eyes flickered to you every couple of seconds, as if to make sure you weren’t an apparition of some sort.

He slipped off his coat and folded it was concentration etched onto his features. Luckily, for him he had already taken off his gear before he went. He sat down his usual posture relaxed but his eyes were still on you.

Okay, so it wasn’t like he was fixated on you. You knew he watched over you often, as capable as you were. You weren’t disturbed by it. Sometimes you liked that you captured his gaze. Other times you wondered if he was waiting for you to do something stupid.

Having now finished packing up, you grabbed your coat, slipped it on and pushed the chair in.

“Goodnight, sir! I’ll see you in the morning – which, I suppose is in a few hours now,” you said and glanced at the clock. You couldn’t believe you had stayed here that long.

Time really flies when you’re drowned in paperwork huh.

You turned to give Heichou one last look because he didn’t respond to you. You found he was looking ta you even more seriously now. One of his hands outstretched and pat the couch next to him.

“Sit,” he said quietly.

Your eyebrows knit together but you did as you were told.

As you moved towards him, you were surprised that the smell of alcohol hadn’t hit you sooner because there was nothing else you could smell of it.

You sat beside him, the space between you just big enough to fit your hands if you had so desired.

You met his gaze and realised that his gaze was unfocussed, which was unusual considering how sharp a look he could give you when he was half asleep.

“Heichou, are you drunk?” You asked, knowing that he most likely wasn’t but there was no harm in asking.

He waited a few seconds before responding.

“No.”

“Really, you smell like a liquor store. I’m surprised I didn’t smell the alcohol from across the room.”

He scowled at you and while that look would scare a new trainee, you had seen it too many times. Now it brought a smile to your face.

“It’s okay, still not as bad as Gelgar,” you assured.

“Heh,” he said, almost smiling. “Good.”

You blinked, not expecting him to be so easily pleased.

Okay, so maybe he was a little bit drunk.

“So… did you need me for something?”

He parted his lips as if he was going to say something, but nothing came out. Instead, the look of concentration deepened on his face and after a minute you realised he was getting annoyed.

“You know, Heichou, as much as I have gotten to know you, I still can’t read your mind.”

He frowned at that, almost as if he had expecting you to. Almost as if he was annoyed that his telepathic messages had not gotten to you.

You thought it was kind of cute.

“Speak,” he said suddenly.

You arched an eyebrow at him. “About what?”

“Just speak.” You noticed that his voice was slightly slurred but still held its usual authority.

Did he just want you to talk? About anything?

You shrugged and started to do so. You filled him in about the paperwork you had completed for him.

Levi listened with such great attentiveness you felt bad for talking about something as banal as paperwork and so you switched to talking about your sisters – who were a lot more chaotic and exciting in your opinion. Then about the books you’ve recently read and have yet to read, what you wanted to do on your days off, the types of tea you wanted to try and the places you wanted to go.

He continued to listen and even nodded every now and then in acknowledgement. He always listened to what people said, even now he surprised you with the details he picked up about you and the people around you.

So, you wouldn’t be surprised if he remembered everything you said to him in the morning.

You didn’t know why he wanted to listen though. If the bags under his eyes were any indicator, he really needed to sleep.

Maybe he just wanted company and you weren’t going to deny him of that.

If he ever got drunk like you did, getting lost in your thoughts which often took a dark turn, you didn’t mind distracting him until he wanted to sleep.

When you had talked your throat dry you stopped, knowing it was going to still be raspy in the morning. Levi noticed this too when you rubbed your throat and gave you a softer but an apologetic look.

A silence lapsed comfortably, his steel gaze still upon you. There had been many nights that you had spent with him talking usually whilst drinking tea. The two of you got along well, so much so it evoked teasing from a certain squad leader.

You even knew bits about his life before the Survey Corps. You had been surprised when he shared these details. You couldn’t help but feel, had the two of you meant under different circumstances you would’ve been good friends, or maybe even more.

“You’re good.”

You blinked, surprised at the sudden admission. You hadn’t expected him to speak anymore. Let alone say something about you.

While it was a simple compliment, the way in which he uttered the words made you believe that they held a greater gravity of meaning, but you didn’t dwell onto it. Instead, you let out a soft laugh.

“So, I’ve been promoted from ‘not bad’ to ‘good’ now, sir?”

His eyebrows knitted together thoughtfully for a second before he nodded.

You laughed again. Oh how honest he was being, it made you want to make him do the talking.

“Heichou –”

“No Heichou,” he interjected quickly.

“What?”

“Levi.”

You stared at him for 10 seconds before deciphering what he was trying to say. “Oh, you want me to call you Levi?”

He nodded.

All of a sudden, you forgot what you were about to say and that the room didn’t feel big enough for the two of you. Somehow, the two of you had moved closer together without even realising, his knee was touching your thigh. His breath fanned slowly over your face and you knew that he could feel yours. Yet neither of you moved away.

All you felt was that the situation was getting a lot more intimate and you knew you should leave if you still wanted to face him in the morning.

Luckily, his eyes drooped as you thought this.

“Anyway Hei – Levi, you should go to bed. You’re going to have a headache in the morning, and you don’t want your sleep deprivation to make it worse.”

He paused and considered what you were saying, something he had done repeatedly tonight, and the action was warming up your heart. Usually he’d respond so quickly but now he really considered every word that came out of your mouth.

He nodded again and laid back on the couch.

You blinked. The times he never listened to you were when you told him to go to sleep. A part of you considered forcing him to drink with the other squad leaders more often.

You wanted to tell him to go to sleep in his bed but you reckoned you shouldn’t push your luck for tonight. Maybe next time.

He gave you a look and parted his lips again, as if he was to say something but nothing came out. You, again, wanted to remind him that you couldn’t read his mind.

But you ignored it this time and got up. But before you stepped away he grabbed your arm and pulled you back onto the couch.

“Stay.”

You paused, your heart suddenly thundering in your chest. “Huh? Why?”

He lifted his hand and raised it to your face, so his thumb lightly brushed the bags underneath your eyes. “You’re tired,” he observed, still touching your face lightly. “You’re going to go back and finish the work in your room, aren’t you?”

You smiled, hoping that it and the bags under your eyes would distract him from your warming cheeks.

“You know me well, sir – Levi.”

“Stay,” he repeated.

His eyes implored you and so, any protest you had died in your throat.

He leaned back again, and you did too. You figured that you could leave when he fell asleep, you had done so in the past when he had fallen asleep at his desk.

You rested your hands on your lap and Levi crossed his over his chest, taking his usual sleeping posture until his head lulled to the side and rested on your shoulder.

You tensed up.

You only had to turn to the side for your lips to touch his hair. And you didn’t want to think about that.

Secretly, you weren’t complaining. The man did so much that if you could be a comfort for him for one moment, you would do it.

You tried to relax as Levi’s breaths started to even out. A small smile graced your lips when you realised he had fallen asleep. The weight of him pressed against you was somehow soothing. He was warm and you dared not to think about how he would feel in a bed next to you.

You closed your eyes figuring you didn’t mind sleeping like this at all.

~

His head was pounding before he even woke up, he didn’t know what possessed him to drink so much last night. It started with Hange teasing him about you, his right hand. How he liked to monopolize you to himself. How he kept his eyes on you no matter where you were. How he made you tea, instead of it being the other way around. And not just any tea, quality tea that he had ordered especially for himself.

Mike then joined in when Levi vehemently denied feeling anything for her. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you was his right hand! Him, involving himself with a fellow comrade? Who wants that kind of messy work environment?

Apparently, he had smelt like ‘a man in love’ and whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean, Levi had no idea.

Even Erwin had joined in at one point and somehow, he had managed to drink his body mass in alcohol and maybe, just maybe got a little bit drunk.

He peeked one eye open and saw that light shined in the room. He sighed, no-one closed the damn window last night, which then certainly explained the slight chill he was feeling.

He then realised that he was pressed against something warm and his arms were wrapped around the same warm thing. But he couldn’t, for the life of him, figure out why, that is, until he raised his head and found that his face had very snuggly fit into the hollow of his right hand’s neck.

What the fuck?

He inhaled and realised that your scent was the reason he had so uncharacteristically dreamt of flowers.

What were you doing here? And how did this happen?

He leaned back from you and slowly (and reluctantly) removed his arms, ignoring the cold that replaced you.

You murmured in your sleep, the arm you had wrapped around him tightening for a second. He held his breath and prayed to whatever the fuck was out there that you didn’t wake up.

He tried to remember last night, to the circumstances that led to the both of you being wrapped in each other’s arms. He remembered that you were still here when he had come back last night, to his surprise. You were becoming a little bit of a workaholic like he was and whenever he tried to call you out for it, you simply quipped that he was the bad example.

But he suspected that was because you wanted him to work less. But the joke was on the both of you though because the more you and Levi did, the more work Erwin gave the both of you in return.

You were about to leave but he decided to watch you like a lovestruck fool and then demand that you sit on the couch with him. And it only went downhill from there.

He wanted you to talk, because he loved your voice. The way it changed in pitch, tonality and volume depending on what you were saying but at the same time, how you could become as emotionless as him if the situation called for it.

It soothed him. If he heard your voice, talking the way you did, then you were okay and that’s all he ever wanted.

And so you spoke to him. You spoke to him last night, mainly about work and the damn paperwork but then you spoke about other things like your sisters and what you were planning to do on your day off. The books you wanted to read, the tea you wanted to drink. It warmed his heart that you so easily shared things with him.

Though, he wanted to bash his head against the wall when he realised he called you good. Whatever the fuck good was supposed to mean.

He knew what exactly what he was trying to say to you, and he was glad he was at a loss for words.

Imagine if he had told you how amazing he thought you were? How much easier you made his life? How less shitty things felt when you were around? How much he cherished the moments where the professional line was blurred, and you felt like a friend or even something more?

But then he knew it was getting worse when he remembered he told you to call him Levi.

You very rarely called him Levi, usually just Heichou or sir (not even Levi-Heichou much to his distaste). He didn’t mind really, it was a small thing but he couldn’t deny how he loved the way his name rolled off your tongue.

He didn’t know if he wanted you to question the strange behaviour he had displayed last night or not.

Especially when he asked you to stay.

Fuck. He swore to never drink again.

He got off the couch, her arms dropping from him. He tried hard not to entertain the thought of thinking fuck it and cuddling you for the rest of the morning.

Instead, he opted to shower and deal with his pounding head but before that, he unfolded his jacket and placed it over you.

Levi tried not to stare at your sleeping form. He did enough staring last night and to make up for it, he needed to tone it down for the next two weeks starting with right now.

Once he showered and gotten changed into a fresh uniform, he returned to his office and found that you were waking up.

You stretched deliciously and he wished he had told you to take off your gear before you fell asleep.

You turned to him when you heard his footsteps. “Oh, Heichou you’re awake,” you said, stating the obvious.

Levi tried not to frown at Heichou. “Feeling fucked? How’s your head?” You asked.

He grumbled, and you smiled slowly knowing exactly what he meant.

“Want me to quickly make you some tea? I think we might have something akin to a hangover cure.”

He shook his head, he had asked enough of you already. Besides, they were going to have a long day, you should rest some more.

“It’s fine. Go back to sleep. You have some time before breakfast.”

“Oh, are you letting me miss morning laps?” There was a smile evident in your voice.

“You can do them later.”

You nodded, knowing he wasn’t going to cut back on your training. You studied his face for a minute but he was perfectly stoic. You wondered if he remembered the night before at all.

You turned on your heel and walked towards the door but before you left, he spoke.

“Sorry about last night… I was…”

You turned towards him, seeing that his gaze had fixated onto his desk. You stifled a giggle.

“A little bit drunk?”

He grumbled again.

“Nah it’s okay,” you assured and then threw him a smile, whether he saw it or not it was present in your voice. “I thought it was cute.”

You then turned and left, missing the completely scandalised expression on your Heichou’s face.

[darkelite020]

Bad Batch thoughts & predictions Ep 12

Continuing these written reactions/predictions somewhere cause itd be fun I think to see what actually ends up happening and remembering what I thought at the time so im dumping it here, youre welcome. (Feel free to discuss if you want) if you want to keep up with it im gonna be tagging these as #jay rambles about bb

- So I sort of expected it by the end of last episode but it seems like last episode was a start of an episode arc about hera's family, which, for rebel's fans I'm sure it's cool and exciting and maybe answers some questions or will actually show things discussed in rebels maybe, but as someone who hasn't seen rebels yet, I really hope this episode and the next few have more bad batch screentime, cause we were a little robbed last episode lol (but in a way I do still enjoy this stuff too, because im sure when I DO watch rebels it'll make the experience better). -- I'm not disliking this arc or anything, but up to this point we've kind of had almost mandalorian style 'one episode one adventure' sorts of episodes, and personally I really hope we get more of that (which I think we will), because while this is all new content and everything, we all have to admit clone wars had some less interesting filler arcs here and there, and I just hope bb doesn't fall the same way (across all of its seasons, im not very concerned about it so far from what we've seen of season 1) because if there is filler, I'd rather sit through a couple of the one episode stories, rather than a 3-4 episode story that takes nearly a month to get through if im disliking it, mostly for the fact that even if we got those 1 ep fillers, its more stories and more likely I'd like at least one. ---kinda rambling about this unnecessarily atm cause while again right now I think bb is fine, I just want the future to be that way too. - fffff every time I see howzer on screen I think of that fucking audio thats "here comes the boy, hello boy~" and honestly can you blame me he is so precious like ugh I swear dave you better be nice to him -- YOU CAN TELL HE FEELS SO BAD AND GUILTY LIKE IT HURTS - hey admiral can you not be MEAN to howzer when he is trying to be fucking helpful -- ;-; BRO im saying it so much already but I feel so bad for howzer like dude someone help him --- imo it feels like its sort of setting up howzer for something more important in the show kinda, at least for his character. Like we can clearly tell he doesn't really agree with the empire and I think they're going to do something with that. He's probably undercover for someone against the empire but I get the bad feeling they're gonna pull a Fives and have him go against the empire and help everyone else somehow but then he will probably end up dead because we cant have nice things. - hello cross... bet you wont be saved this episode - Ok good, some more bad batch here already. -- ALSO GONKY BEING DEFECTIVE!!!! EVEN GONKY IS DEFECTIVE LIKE BB THATS SO CUTE! - uh, im not the only one getting the leia transmission vibes from hera, right? -- ok, again I haven't seen rebels so I dont know BUT if hera has the ability to talk to bb, couldn't she have done so in rebels? Yeah she's older and im sure better at fighting and defending herself and all that, but wouldn't it still be possible for her to have gotten in some kind of rough situation in Rebels to ask for bb's help again? I super doubt bb made any appearance of any kind in Rebels, so doesn't that imply that she lost communications with them? What happens to bad batch >> - bad batch not wanting to help but because omega really wants to you can see its making hunter soften up and I appreciate it - bruh what??? Taa is dead af, like theres no way the show is gonna pull some magic and be like 'oh yep here he is' thing??? Like this has to be a lie, but even then, what even is the plan here?? Saying "oh hes recovering" well he can't be recovering forever, how does that seem like a good plan to lie about that?? People are gonna find out?? - "Great just what we need" from Wrecker about crosshair MAKES ME ANGRY LIKE??? YES?? DONT BE MAD AT HIM ITS NOT HIS FAULT??? SAVE YOUR FUCKING BOY??? -- oooo then the rest of bb doesn't comment about it literally gsjrkgbdkfbg why do they not care about him???? Like it seems they legitimately dont care about crosshair, even though theyve been together for so long like even before the show came out they

had history together and were all really close. I know people argue "oh well its just difficult to save him and its unrealistic for them right now" but so what? Even if they aren't trying to save him they should at least CARE about him. --- Which is also like the thing with echo and fives!!!! Like Echo didn't seem to care much at all when Rex mentioned fives even a little! Or even about seeing Rex that much!! Dave I'm gonna need some answers my guy, cause you humanized these characters but then you dont make them act that way so like whats up. - Lucky hunters abilities came in handy - Back to crosshair for a second im predicting they 100% arent saving him this season. There was a poster released part way through the season and he's not even on it... makes me so sad. - "I'd do the same for you." ;-; that didnt need to get that deep - CROSSHAIR BETTER NOT START SHIT WITH HOWZER - Howzer helping Hera's parents or at least implying that is good but that also means im right so far and therefore worried >> -- HES GOING TO GET FUCKING CAUGHT I BET TALKING TO THEM LIKE THIS AT SOME POINT AND HOW MUCH DO YOU WANNA BET ITS GONNA BE CROSSHAIR THAT CATCHES HIM --- Cham stfu its literally so obvious that howzer is trying to be genuine, also if he's kind of undercover for him like what the fuck do you expect howzer to do if he has to play along with the empire to keep his cover?? "Won't make that mistake again" Fuck off like honestly. ---- #stopbeingmeantohowzer2021 - "A little help" and the gentle "Hey" ahh love it - I'm really enjoying this whole them fighting in the ships sequence - "Stay here and guard the capitol" SCARES ME -- Please for the love of god bad batch don't get howzer killed --- or plot B Bad batch maybe run into howzer but save him and take him with you at least temporarily ---- oh god.... bb is helping heras parents escape and that means howzers gonna get in trouble.../probably replaced by crosshair - Crosshair is smart but thats also badddd - The scene of howzer and crosshair looking at each other is killing meeeeeeeee - Ohhh is howzer gonna stop them before they go out the door? -- YES HE IS SEE WHAT A GOOD BOY HE IS - (please fucking listen to him I beg) - Aw dude I just had a thought that breaks my heart... howzer cares about his squad and "trying to get through to them" but what if his squad is clones as well and the chips... that hurts me so badly... -- Like we all know howzer is a sweet boy by now but ughhh like the thought that he doesnt want to leave them even though they are doing whats wrong shows just how much he cares and I really hope he doesn't get into trouble because of what he's saying to them, but you know he totally would do it because he seems to care about them so much and :( bad batch more like sad batch --- This is the kind of compassion I wanted from bb for crosshair hunter kind of looks back at howzer as they leave him and I doubt itll mean anything but I really hope that maybe seeing how much howzer cares will make hunter care a little too... - *sigh* howzer is getting left behind by them which we know why but yeah... now he's definitely going to be in trouble... I just hope they don't hurt him... - OH GOD HOWZER BABY DONT -- He's making a speech and I know he's trying to sway them but you know damn well this is gonna go so badly for him because of the chips and crosshair is watching so you know howzer is gonna get fucked here and I know what hes trying for but I really wish he didnt just do that because now its blatantly obvious he's gonna be against them ;-; - Wow ok im kinda shocked people are siding with him (I guess cause theyre not all clones right) but I feel so bad for themmmmm - Crosshair missed multiple shots? Uh what? I didnt think that was possible lol - bb please come back for howzer and the others at some point.... -- I guess maybe if hera's parents are going to organize rebels against the empire maybe they will help them but I somewhat doubt it... - Ok I know that crosshair requesting to hunt them was supposed to be this big moment and all but I

can't help but feel like its a little underwhelming (but dont get me wrong still cool vibes) because he's kind of already been doing that anyway?? Or has tried to several times?? So I don't get why its a big deal, however, I do have a possible prediction: We know that bb got their chips removed, (crosshair doesn't, I know that) and so that eliminates the idea that they will get caught and actually go bad like crosshair, but it does leave a possibility where maybe they get captured and then *pretend* to be bad? And that could lead to a better possibility of helping crosshair (they wont) or maybe howzer and the other rebels or something? Cause I also feel like its significant that they brought up how the war will eventually come to them and bb will be a part of it no matter what eventually, and it makes obvious sense theyd be on the rebels side of it, so maybe something like that goes on, idk.

[ophexis]

I made kind of a big deal last year about doing better this year but tbh the only thing i did more is disappointing myself sdfsg

I don’t rly expect anything better from myself for next year, but I hope everybody else gets to have a much better year.

I did move out to my first appartment last march, and at least that went well. The moving itself was smooth. We had a bed bug scare, which was awful, but thankfully ended up being nothing even if it was a lot of money thrown to the wind. But now we’re comfy and despite everything we haven’t had any issues, and I still have a job and I’m safely working from home.

I managed to avoid covid, despite living in quebec’s no1 hot spot. I’ve barely gotten out of my appartment except to get mail at the drugstore. My mom’s been working retail since the begining and its a miracle she hasn’t caught it but I’m so glad because she does not deserve this. Both my parents are ok but I wish I could’ve seen them for christmas. All my friends seem ok too. I really want to go to the restaurants with them again.

My job performance went to shit but I still have it, at least. I got on the project I wanted to be on instead of MK but it hasn’t been enjoyable at all due to a lot of things out of my control. Couldn’t get my level up despite the 4 years of experience and leads having nothing negative to say about me, so at this point I think I’m just gonna be stuck at being considered only one step above a new employee forever. it’s been rly hard working everyday.

I started suspecting I may have ADHD, but theres nothing I can do about it, which is frustrating. I’m on a waiting list for a doctor, and therapists need doctor recommendations, especially adhd specialists. Probably won’t have a doctor ‘till next year, so I get to wonder how the hell I’m gonna weasel my way thru the next year. Idk if it’s the working from home, or the isolation of being here everyday since march but I feel like the biggest fuckin idiot and I just notice way more of my fuckups than i used to and its frustrating as hell. Even if I do get to talk to someone, the idea od talking to a therapist about my dumb feelings fill me with more anxiety than anything so I don’t know how im gonna do this. I’ve never talked out loud to someone face to face about my feelings. and if they end up being shitty im gonna have to go thru the whole process again. i tried looking up tips and whatnot but tbh I haven’t been able to focus on rearranging my life around potential adhd so idk. I cant get started on anything.

I’m having variably bad back pain and what i assume is the occasional sciatica flareup, but not much I can do about again as I don’t have a doctor and I’m not familiar with local chiropractors here and well covid is a thing. i could barely walk yesterday which ws the worst i ever had and im not sure how that one happened, but it seems better today

I tried drawing more, I think in a way I did, but I’m still increadibly unhappy with my art and it’s hard. I hate all of it. 

I got ring fit adventure and managed to play daily for a month, and now its hard, which is again frustrating, like, why am i like this.

i dont have any hopes or goals for my future and i dont rly know who i am anymore. and i dont rly know what i want to do so im just existing around, playing ffxiv and animal crossing and trying to get thru my work days. I’m looking forward to Monster Hunter Rise which looks like its gonna have the life that mhw was lacking, so thats gonna be nice at least.

im excited for the new star wars stuff announced. anything thats made by favreau and filoni should be excellent. rly excited for the Taika Waititi movie, it should be a nice good breath of fresh air in the franchise like the mandalorian was. I’ve been playing swtor too and made unsurprisingly no progress on my irl mando armor.

so yea that was lil ole me. I didnt post a lot this year cuz tbh i havent done anything. But I hope y’all managed to have some good things happen to you in 2020, and I truly hope the next year will be better, even if thats not quite how things go, but I hope you can all find some good things.