#idk if i can sleep tonight like i genuinely feel fucking awful i hope i get run over by a car

[lovecrazedpup]

this is bad

[devildom-moss]

idk how to verbalise this idea properly so bear with me but: mc whose entire logic in life is 'fuck it we ball' including when it comes to romance, so they just completely go along with any attempts at flirting in a sort of "yes, and-" fashion

which probably only encourages said suitor and then mc has the Audacity to be surprised when it gets intense enough for them to realise they're actually being seduced lol

gn mc with just the brothers for now pls!! thank u for your services

Hopefully this request is what you were looking for. Honestly, I had a bit of confusion while writing, but I tried. I went with headcanons because that seemed like the best fit. Thanks for the request.

gn!MC who casually flirts back with the demon brothers headcanons

(and then has the audacity to be surprised that they're being genuinely pursued)

(Suggestive)

Word Count: +2700

Lucifer

Lucifer is an awful flirt, trying so hard to fluster MC and convince them of his dominance. (Where’s it at though? I don’t see it.) His flirting is so suggestive that it’s actually pretty easy to just assume it’s a bit of playful teasing between friends.

For MC, it plays out like those posts that say something and then escalate immediately – something like “Kiss your homies goodnight. Kiss them with tongue. Eat their ass.”

Having an MC who flirts back with him can be a bit embarrassing, and it gets Lucifer’s hopes up so much. (“Could you pour me another cup of coffee, MC?” “Third one this morning, Luci. Not sleeping well?” “I’m afraid not. Perhaps you should come over and help – but then again, we might not get much sleep if you do.” “Aw, Luci, do you want me to fuck you senseless to help you fall asleep?” “If you’re offering, who am I to refuse.”)

He’ll be frustrated that MC keeps flirting with him, but they never follow through.

Lucifer is so horny that it’s absurd. MC could be completely normal, and this man would be thirsting. (“I really don’t want to do this lesson. This chapter is so boring.” “Normally, I wouldn’t use positive reinforcement, but if you complete your work, I’ll reward you.” “What kind of reward?” “Come to my room tonight and find out.”)

Poor MC doesn’t realize they’re being seduced until Lucifer has dragged them into his bed.

“Sleep with me.” “I’m not really tired, Lucifer.” “Good. Then you’ll have plenty of energy to make out and maybe even fuck me – if you want.” His touch would be so intimate – rubbing their inner thigh or groping their ass. “IF I WHAT?!?”

Lucifer would turn pink up to his ears. Part of him thinks MC is just teasing him again, but he would quickly realize that they’re being genuine. He’d feel absolutely humiliated. Did they not want him at all? Did all of that flirting mean nothing?

Before he could die from the shame, Lucifer would manage to blurt out, “Do you want me or not?” He wants some honest commitment in return for his affection, and if MC won’t bring that, that’s unacceptable. Of course, there is some thrill in a chase, but in that moment, Lucifer won’t have it in him. It would be a battle to fight some other day.

If MC tells him no or gives a half-hearted response, he will ask them to leave his room with one hand covering his blushing face. He wouldn’t even be able to look at them as he closed the door – and he’d probably avoid them for a day or two. (Also, he might cry a little after the door is locked).

If MC insists that they do want him, he’ll be especially needy while also acting all sadistic – attempting to tease them to distract from his own embarrassment. This poor loser will require so many kisses to reinflate his ego.

Mammon

To be fair, Mammon would bring this upon himself. He loves to act like he’s uninterested – constantly interrupting his fawning and puppy-like following of MC to save himself from the absolute humiliation of being *gasp* honest about his feelings.

I can see Mammon regularly initiating flirting, but this man can’t follow through to save his own life (maybe to save the life of someone else, though). An MC who reciprocates his flirting would leave him a blushing, flustered mess. Most of the time, his embarrassment cuts the interaction short.

“Ya just can’t get enough of the Great Mammon, can ya?” “Of course not, you handsome devil~” “I- uh! Hmph! Damn right!” he’d say it, crossing his arms and avoiding eye contact while the blush rises in his cheeks. How is MC supposed to respond?

If they tease him further and flirt more, he’ll just yell and tell them to knock it off. If they just shrug it off and move on, Mammon will be too flustered to make another move on them that day. The flirtatious spark just kind of fizzles out like a defective firecracker.

It takes a lot of boldness on Mammon’s end to get MC to realize he’s being serious. And honestly, Mammon is so adorable, MC may have the opportunity to take the initiative and push things a little further first. (You want to tell me most MCs could just flirt with Mammon, reducing him to a blushing, aggressive mess, and go back to watching that movie or playing that video game upon Mammon’s belligerent demand, and not want to kiss his face? Okay, sure.)

But let’s ignore that thought and say MC follows Mammon’s flirting in the “yes, and” fashion. After Mammon continuously sabotages his own chances, eventually, he’s going to get so frustrated that he will smother his own shyness long enough to get what he wants.

He’ll get MC alone and string together some make-shift confession – a plea for more. “Ya know, if ya wanna kiss the Great Mammon or somethin’, I’m not gonna stop ya – like, I mean, I want a little more outta ya. So, don’t hold back just cause ya think I don’t want to or nothin’.” (translation: Please kiss me. I know I act like I don’t want you, but I really, really want you to kiss me. Please, please, please.)

His face will burn, and a blush will work its way up to his ears. It’ll be hard to deny the intensity of his feelings, and it will weigh down on MC – a truth previously held in a bag on their back, tethered to dozens of helium balloons that disguised its weight, and then suddenly found every string cut loose by Mammon’s admission. He really loved them. For his confession, all Mammon would get was a stunned but heartfelt “oh.”

He gets so upset and embarrassed that MC didn’t realize he was being serious before. He went on a rollercoaster of emotions; meanwhile, this whole time, they hadn’t even taken his advances in earnest. It’s practically offensive.

The only remedy for Mammon’s bruised dignity is for MC to immediately hold and kiss him until he’s temporarily satisfied. (“Ya owe me big time for not takin’ me seriously.”)

Leviathan

I mean, he kind of has to flirt before MC can flirt back – unless we’re going to count accidentally blurting out his innermost perverted desires as flirting. Sure, I suppose it’s basically flirting to tell someone “It’s sexy when you tell me what to do. I can’t stop imagining you doing that in other settings.”

He’s so bad at flirting that nothing will happen for a long time after he realizes he’s head over heels. Levi is fine spending the rest of his (or at least MC’s) life pining for them – or at least he believes that. But the longing and desire will start to creep in, and he’ll wonder how much he can ask from MC. Friends can hold hands and maybe even cuddle, right? Maybe even kiss? Could they even –?

The thoughts eat away at him until he can’t wait for MC to make the move anymore. It slips out of him like some mating request written by Dr. Suess: “Would you –? Could you –? With an otaku? A gross, disgusting one, too?”

Levi is so visibly flustered that he doesn’t leave much room for ignorance. Even the most extreme masochist wouldn’t subject themselves to the furiously blushing, trembling state that Leviathan had worked himself into. He’d be on the brink of tears. All his hope in the world would be precariously perched on a ledge, awaiting your response.

I can’t see MC not knowing that Levi was attempting to seduce them, but perhaps the timing of it came as a surprise. Or perhaps they had never taken his affection seriously. He has so many favorites that he can’t pursue; just because he has a massive crush on MC doesn’t mean he had plans to act on it.

He will get even more embarrassed and down on himself to know that MC didn’t take him seriously at first. He understands, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

He will require physical reassurance – as much of it as MC is willing to give him. And honestly, if MC doesn’t end up kissing him until he forgets how to think after his confession, he’ll probably hide in his room for a few weeks purely out of shame.

Satan

With an MC like this, the back-and-forth flirting goes on for an inordinate amount of time. Satan is not a flirt by any definition, but when there’s someone he likes, he knows how to turn on the charm. He’s smart, passionate, and mentally quick on his feet; he’s a natural charmer for the right audience.

Satan moves pretty slow when romance is concerned. If Levi wasn’t such a hopeless cause (affectionately), Satan would probably be the slowest to escalate a romantic relationship. He and MC will have a dozen dates under their belts before the desire for more had become an unbearable burden for Satan to silently ignore.

Eventually, Satan would find himself reading in his room with MC, unable to hold back anymore. He would ask, “Would you mind if I kissed you?” “No, I don’t mind if you want to.” “Could I kiss you now?” “Eh, sure.”

Everything up to that point could have been misread as platonic or some casual interest – maybe even curiosity on his end.

But he was serious, and it was evident in the way he approached MC to collect that kiss. He would straddle their hips, set their book aside (face down to mark the page like a real gentleman), and lean down for the kiss. Then, his lips would move against theirs, and the smallest sigh would escape him like a quiet release of sexual tension that had pressurized his entire body. Then, it would all click for MC.

Surprisingly, he wouldn’t be upset or humiliated if MC hadn’t taken him seriously before. In fact, he sees it as more of a personal failing, and in a low, seductive voice, he would tell them, “Allow me to prove how genuine and deep my feelings are for you.”

Asmodeus

He flirts with everyone, so how was MC supposed to know??

He asks them on dates so often. He’s probably the only one who could make out with MC and they’d still think, “yeah, we’re besties” because when Asmo pulls away with a giggle and a grin, telling them how much fun that was, it doesn’t feel serious.

It would take a moment of angst – either Asmo feeling like MC doesn’t take his advances seriously enough (and they don’t) or MC getting down on themselves – for them to realize.

Asmo would pull them into his room and leave small kisses all over them, peppering in compliments. “You’re so gorgeous, and I adore looking at your face.” Then, he would kiss their cheek. “You’re such a sweetheart.” Then, the other cheek. “I always have so much fun when I’m with you. I don’t ever want you to leave my side.” He would kiss their forehead. “I want you to feel confident; you’re such a wonderful soul.” (He would probably add more compliments if MC was feeling self-conscious.)

His words would get sweeter and more honest. “I feel seen in your eyes – like every part of me is accepted. I don’t have to play it up or try.” He would work his way down their neck with soft pecks to their skin. “I want to share everything beautiful in this world with you.” In part to avoid meeting their gaze. “I want to make you smile with everything I have.” And in part so he could whisper the words into their ear. “I want to help you whenever you need me. I’ll sit right next to you through any pain and hardships you encounter.” No one else had earned the right to hear his praise and affection. “I want to be a comfort for you – someone you can return to like a home.”

Finally, he would face them with a striking affection. “You know I’m in love with you, right? It’s not just lust and fun. You’re everything. You matter the most – after me, of course. It’s me and you and everything else.”

Asmo seduces everyone. That isn’t shocking. But this was more than seduction. It was genuine courtship. He won’t fault MC for being surprised. It caught him off guard too.

Beelzebub

Beel is not super flirty, but he makes it known that he cares through his actions. So, there aren’t many opportunities for MC to “yes, and” flirt back with him.

He asks them out to get food often and brings them snacks, but that doesn’t signal any romantic intentions. Sometimes he might stare at MC affectionately or admit how happy he is to spend time with them, but it’s nowhere near intense.

Sometimes, he asks for something more selfish. It starts small: petting his head, holding his hand, hugging him. None of those register as seduction from Beel for MC, especially compared to the affectionate nature of his twin. In fact, no one would fault MC for thinking these were platonic wants. After all, Beel has been through a lot. Sometimes this sweet, big baby boy just needs physical affection.

Then, he would get a bit bolder with his requests: “Could you feed me?” “Can I feed you?” “Would you hold me?”

As innocent and platonic as Beel may seem, he makes a lot of off-hand remarks that sound a bit perverted. “I bet MC’s lips would taste good.” “I wonder what you taste like.” “MC has nice hands. I bet they would feel good…” These comments could open the door for some flirting from MC, though. “Wanna taste me, Beel?” “Should I give you a massage? Or maybe something more?”

MC flirting with him would make his heart race. Even if MC didn’t follow through with their flirtatious offer, it would encourage Beel to keep pushing his luck.

Finally, he would ask, “Can I kiss you?”

Beel would look so shy and embarrassed, holding his hands awkwardly to his chest, that it would be hard not to take him seriously. The question – and his desire – would be a slight shock. Beel wouldn’t mind that MC was surprised, although he would be disappointed if he was turned down.

If MC takes him up on that offer, they will come to realize that his ravenous hunger showed itself through a kiss, too – as if he had been starving for MC’s touch and affection.

Belphegor

He’s so affectionate and cuddly. In that way, he’s similar to Asmo; it’s pretty hard to tell how serious and intense Belphie’s feelings are. He’s just kind of like that.

It’s common for Belphie to ask to be spoiled with affection – head pats, feeding him, hugging him, sleeping together, going out with him, praising him, holding his hand, being his pillow, etc.

His need for attention doesn’t cover up for how flushed his face gets when MC is the one to give him affection. His neediness doesn’t explain how much he clings to MC or how he blushes and tells them not to stop touching him.

So, actually, he’s less flirty than he is demanding of attention. Going along with his demands only encourages him to vocalize and act on more of his desires. He’d even ask permission to kiss them and to be kissed.

MC probably wouldn’t figure it out until Belphie starts sleepily trying to make out with them.

“Belphie, are you half-asleep?” “What? No. I’m awake. Why?” “That was a really heated kiss.” “Of course it was. Can we keep going?” “I’m sorry, what?”

“Don’t you like me back? We sleep together, go on dates, cuddle, and you even let me kiss your face and neck whenever I please. Don’t you want to go further?”

It hits them. Belphie can read the look of surprise on MC’s face, and it makes him pout. MC really should have known how he felt by then, but he’s confident that his affection is reciprocated before MC even responds.

“Sheesh. You’re really difficult, you know? I’ve had to do a lot of the work here because you’re so dense.” Belphie would straddle MC’s lap and take off his shirt. “I’ll let it go this time, but you better start putting in more effort from now on.”

A/N: Only about 1 hour left to vote in the poll. And we just got to 100 so y'all are getting 2 posts this month. Genuinely, I typed this a/n up, talking about only needing one more vote, checked it again, and the one vote is no longer needed. Good job, y'all. I swear if there are ties...

[teddybeartoji]

alrighttt i havent checked up in a while cuz i realized how busy this year will be and how much i actually have to prepare (it's over for me and it hasn't even started) BUT!! i have something to say

despite me needing to work i am doing some undeserved self-care tonight and watching Logan so that i can watch Deadpool x Wolverine

and this movie omg... LOGAN HAS READING GLASSES IAHSJJZJZJAB I'M GOING INSANE IT SUITS HIM SOOOO WELL AND MAKES ME THINK OF THE CURRENT (maybe past atp) SIREN OFFICE TREND

AND HE HAS A SUIT. THIS MAN?? SUITED UP??

AND THEY MADE HIM HAVE A DAUGHTER??? i already mentioned i am WEAK for this trope, i am COLLECTING those single fathers like POKEMONS

anyways yeah that's it, wanted to share my love for the guy cuz i love grumpy old men... yeah.. [insert dreamy sigh here]

i hope you've been doing good and taking care of yourself, i usually spam people to let them know how much i care but sometimes i have trouble reaching out to anybody 👍 wanted to let you know just in case

also i actually drew something but it's ugly because i don't know anatomy, plus it's an idea from an smau and i feel drained so no energy to ask author and i dont wanna post anything without permission- so if i wanna draw something it has to be one of your fics and in that case it needs to be perfect so 😭 if i actually change and do well this year i will find the time and submit something.. maybe not good but it will come from the heart

have a good night mickey,

~ ☀️

HIIII SUNNY HIII!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRST OF ALL FUCK YOU MEAN "UNDESERVED SELF-CARE" 🤨🤨🤨🤨THIS KIND OF TALK IS NOT ALLOWED. EVER. SELF-CARE IS DESERVED SELF-CARE IS NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you have to take care of yourself silly!!!!!! this is the first and foremost priority always always always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND EEEEE YEAHHH LOGAN WITH GLASSESS!!!!!! I REMEMBER THAT SO WELL OMFGGG overall i have only seen the film once and that was when it first came out so idk if i remember everything BUT THE GLASSES ARE ON MY MIND STILL. I LOVEEE WHEN PPL HAVE GLASSES esp if they're older men hehehehhe AND HE HAS A DAUGHTERRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME LOSE MY MINDDD RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH also kind of made me think abt joel and ellie from the last of us just now.. damn.......

I AM DOING OK BTWWW!!!!!!!! watched a bunch of films yesterday and today hehehee i am a true cinephile now wheewwwwww i do hope you've been getting some more sleep now though bc you deserve to rest too my love!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO. 🤨🤨🤨 "UGLY" I WILL BONK YOU SO HARD RN. STOP THIS MADNESS. drawing is so fucking hard and so fucking cool i am always genuinely so in awe of people who do it i love it so fucking much!!!!!!!!! YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME MORE FAITH IN YOURSELF SUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if it's hard to be positive you have to at least be neutral okay, no more of it's ugly or it's bad. it's very hard for you and your art to grow if you're putting it down angel!!! AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE ANY ART THAT'S BASED ON MY OWN WRITINGS BC HOOLY FUCK THAT'S SO FUCKING COOL?!?!?!?!??! i couldn't be more excited abt that but PLEAAASEE don't feel pressured to do it okay?? i will be here forever i think lmao you have all the time in the world<3333333

[farty-city]

inside bo burnham review no one asked for

i enjoy other peoples commentary and i was writing down my first thoughts anyway so here it is

inside

first song/intro song

i like the phone screen on him, very reflective of how we have had phone screens on us

“roberts been a little depressed” osnskjdnfs

they were right “daddys made you some content so open wide” hjbfafn

intro

oh my god he looks awful

but like in a cute way

maybe

healing the world with comedy (second song)

the canned and queued laugher no exactly… is it a symbol or is it just funny.. who's to say. 

it think its a good first song, establishing he knows what he is doing is kind of useless 

“the indescribable power of your comedy”

he looks like marc maron rn

i like the synthed voice and synthesizer

the jesus allusion … yeah

“i'm a special kind of white guy”

this feels like he knows how he is perceived by fans.. Make happy was too much

his fucking dancing fksjdnfksj

i think he did a good job looking manic

the lasers lmao

Side 1

Bo made a huge gamble releasing this like,,, what if you just stumbled upon it and this was ur first introduction to him..

I bet its like when i comment dumb things on instagram comments and get that rush of hehehehe

NO NOT BO DEVELOPING BILLIE EILLISH VOWELS

Also this is exactly what he wanted like,, he just wanted to make his things and not deal with the crowds so..

To think i was like finding scraps of him performing at largo and stuff and now,, so much content

life imitates art

the way he's literally what he wrote hgbkdf

there is no authenticity with cameras

suicide ?

 facetime with my mom tonight

the blue light.. Yeah

o hblue like sad

i don't know how i feel about the electric music but i guess its no different than whatever else i listen to

this is sad wow

still catchy etc

side 2

i wonder if here will be any fart jokes

that is how the world works (songs)

the huge mess and then him in a sweater

this is reminiscent of that walmart muppets

he became tim minchin with a sock puppet

the “yes… yes sir” stoppp 

jkgdsnfijwkensfosnf

qbejfnjne

nerjgnoejns

bo making a political statement and a metaphor for activism and then making it weirdly kinky

brand consultant (bit)

man bun

i have to believe he filmed it with the beard because quarantine vibes and also bc he was tired of being seen as a child

white womans instagram (song)

i did not like that intro

BO AND GLASSES THANK GOD

the daisies wow just wow

underwear

“white womans instagram” or “bo burnham becomes a girlboss”

i like that he didn't lose his cadence like the way the rhymes are you can still tell its him

i don't get the mom part sorry

is it like how people are very superficial but also very personal on their instagrams

this part was legit sad

side 3

i wonder how he felt with cameras constantly on him

Although this is the point hes trying to make

lol seinfeld moment (bit)

unpaid intern (bit and song)

“barely people somehow legal” was so smooth woW

omg he was scatting

he was a man who would scat

oh my god what great news

the react clip omg

i cant believe he did that oh my god

observation/critisism and response to the “can anyone shut the fuck up” 

and as i realized what he was doing he was like “i have this need for everything i make to have a deeper meaning” oh my god

now the question is how long will this go on?

jeffrey bezos (song)

idk its catchy

and then theres him like sleeping and talking which kind of is part of the jeff bezos song

bug eyes salamanders hehe

sexting (song)

i do believe this is just a silly song 

the earrings tho omg

sounds like post malone hbkjdsnfskj

idk its still about like intimacy in quarantine and that stuff..

the knife (bit)

i know hes copying like other youtubers but like,,, what

stuck in a room (song)

the intro is very funny and relatable

classic bo i love it 

i will say this special has been more reflective but i suppose it has to be

“look whos inside again”

i like the end too, this is all a fabrication

this is the clip where hes staring at the projection of himself from his old youtube videos which is sort of more like an ending to the “stuck in my room” song

 sorry (song)

i love the 80’s style music and its like zumba

oh this is like an apology song

“father please forgive me for i did not realise what i did, or that id live to regret it” what a catchy line

i would say this is another more “classic” bo song where its self aware and funny

“my closet it chalk full of stuff that is vaguely shitty” 

camera falling

this deserves its own bullet because its silly

i'm turning 30 (bit and song)

i remember him talking about this on a podcast and like,, damn i didn't know this also happened LOL

i really like how he did the lighting 

“stupid fucking ugly boring children”

suicide talk (1)

this is interesting i like the use of the projection

this is something that could never have happened onstage

just like with the it being projected on him

i guess it could but it would have to be done differently and probably hed have to make it funnier to make it more engaging

intermission

i just checked this is about the halfway point.. Mh

i don't wanna know (song)

“i thought it’d be over by now”

i wish this was longer but i kind of like how its just a little snippet and then the cut

video game (bit)

“i guess i’ll cry again”

“is the dude big or is the room small” lol

hm depression

 feelin like shit (song)

ohh the lighting is fun again

this is the tone shift i suppose

the feels like supalonely and the new kind of music

atl

:(

panic attack 

everything all of the time (song)

feels like brandon rogers 

i enjoy this

this feels like “welcome to youtube” grew up

“a little bit of everything all of the time”

“apathys a tragedy and boredoms a crime”

ok olivia rodrigo

finishing the special (bit)

these feel like diary entries but as standup

interesting choice

jeffery bezos (2)

Why the seaweed suit

Where did he get that

the digital space (bit)

suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface

damn

pirate map anfdkjfnskjd

this was so stupid (affectonate)

that funny feeling (song)

the campfire vibes 

kenny loggins

i don't get it..

is it about childhood, is it about the present?

i think its talking about the end of content? 

“the end of culture”, to quote make happy

change and not liking it 

“we were overdue, but it will be over soon”

if the second half of the special is like a panic attack this song is like a momentary pause before it gets worse

“so ive been working on this special”/breakdown 

this was .. uncomfortable and genuine which i'm sure is why he kept it

all eyes on me (song/rant)

another sad thing to watch.. damn

me trying to tell if the audio was from make happy

i think he was trying to make it as if the audio was from make happy 

this feels.. familiar

and obviously that is the point

“come on in the waters fine”

the use of autotune during the talking part... yeah

sad that he was gonna make another special… and it would have been totally different than this

i’ve decided i like the homage to make happy

It feels like hes made peace with it

the montage of him waking up and the “i think i'm done”

and then of course the ending where he's watching it over to remind us that its all fabricated

possible ending song/ “i promise to never go outside again”

ngl he looks good in the shirt with the haircut hehe

which i feel like is what he wants up to notice

and then like not think after we saw all his breakdowns

“i want to hear you tell a joke when no ones laughing in the background”

i really like the medley

Final thoughts

I want a blooper reel, but this doesn't seem like the kind of special

I also wonder if the songs will be on like apple music, but again, doesn't seem like the kind of special

I'm happy for him, he got to be honest and open and show us the sort of panicky stuff

this self aware comedy is exactly the stuff that i think will be making a comeback in the next decade.  John better be pulling up with more deconstructed comedy. 

I hope this has given him peace

[minthysugamon]

Why'd you only call me when you're high? (J.JK x Reader)

Drummer! Jungkook x Manager's daughter! Reader.

Warnings: Mentions of sex,drugs and alcohol. Usage of foul language (like in most of my writings bc i talk like a roadman). Friends with benefits type of relationship. Kinda angsty but also fluffy if you search for the fluff with a magnifying glass.

Word count: 2222 (hehe,angel number go brr)

A/N: I promise,i will try to do some smut but i don't feel comfy enough to write it bc idk...i just cringe when i see my writing. So sorry if it isn't what you guys expect...

3:03 am

Your phone buzzed once again. It was for the 6th time tonight in a row,so even without looking at the device,it was safe to assume that the rockstar your dad managed was probably at some pub,hammered and not even being able to call a cab for himself so he called your number. Like usual. 3:04 am. It rang again. "What? It better be an emergency cause i swear to god if you're calling because you're dru-" his laugh was as intoxicating as the liquor he had sipped on some minutes ago. "Doll,listen...i need a ride...and since your dad is our manager,it would be greatly appreciated if you came for me..." a sigh left your lips as you hang up on him.

But Jungkook didn't stop pestering you. The drummer of V2J was a pain in the ass. As shy and awkward he was in his sober times,his horndog behaviour was equalising if not surpassing his normal behaviour when he was thrashed.

You picked up the call one more time when the familiar ringtone went off. "Hey,why are you so rude,dollface? Don't you know hangin-" your words cut off his as soon as he was trying to do his monologue. "Jungkook. Like how you said it so cleverly,MY DAD is the manager. Not me. Pester him at 3 am if you have some difficulties to go home,not his daughter. Thank you. I have an exam in two days, i have to study tomorrow. Or today because at this point of the night i can't say tomorrow,so let me get the 2 hours of sleep i could still get tonight if i go to sleep in less than 10 minutes.. Leave me alone. Call Taehyung or something,i don't care. Now please don't call me again. Thanks." Then the tune of the "Hang Up" option resonated in your room once again.

Truth be told, if it would've been the first time he calls you and asks you for help at 3 in the morning,you would've helped his dumbass out,but it wasn't the case. Whenever Jungkook had some nightly problems, you were the first target in his contact list. It wasn't the first time he called you to pick him up from somewhere or to let him stay at your place for the night because he lost his keys to his appartment after a wild escapade with his bandmates to the nearest club. And it never ended with him only sleeping on your couch. It usually started at the front door and ended with him sleeping an arm around you after fucking your brains out. If he had been serious about this whole weird relationship you had, it would've been official for more than a year now,but he has to keep his rockstar persona intact. So of course,you were nothing more than the daughter of his manager who was good enough to be fucked when he was drunk or high.

At 3:36,someone rang at the interphone of your home. When you got up from your bed with a huff,you were already seeing the tatted up boy's smirk on the camera in a mental image. And you weren't wrong. His smirk was present as soon as the little screen had lit up with his face so close to it,you though he was a toddler seeing an interphone for the first time in his life. "You really came here at 3 and a half? Jeon,for fucks sake. If i get down there,i'mma beat some sense into you,so you better start running now." He simply laughed,a noise of exasperation leaving his throat. "Aw...come on (Y/n)...let me in,i lost my keys..."

You pushed on the key button,you let him in again. At this point it was exthausing because you knew what this meant. And even if you wanted to deny it,your brain wanted this to stop,but your heart was yearning for him. "I swear to god Jungkook,if you come here again at 3 am,i will stick a pipe up your ass." You unlocked the door for him and let him enter your home.

Fatal mistake because he didn't even answer,he simply pushed you against the wall and looked into your eyes,foreheads touching. "And why would you do that sweetheart? Hm? I thought you liked when i come here...for you." You can't deny it,you fell for him over the months,you fell for this idiot who liked banana milk more than anything else,who drank whisky with more cola than he should because he hated alcohol but wanted to keep his bad boy persona. But the smell of a woman on him made your heart sink. "Jungkook,please...just go and take of your shoes,i will bring you a blanket and a pillow so you can sleep on the couch."

He took your words in a hurtful way,his expression changed from flirty to genuinely hurt. "So...we aren't sleeping together like always?" You scoffed and got out of his grip. "I don't even know why i let you in. If you wanted to get your dick sucked again,you could've called one of your groupies." You disappeared in your room to search for a blanket and pillow,not that you deemed him deserving of such comfort,but he was also keen to be shivering at night without a blanket so it would be better for him to get some warmth during the dark hours. With a shaky breath,you went back to the living room and placed the pillow and comforter on the couch. "(Y/n)...what's the matter?" No answer. You didn't want to answer his question,he wasn't worthy for an answer,but his insistance was made clear when he took your hand into his and brought you closer to him. "Please...(Y/n)...answer me,i'm getting worried at this point,what's the matter?" Inhaling some fresh oxygen as the lump in your throat was only getting tighter,it finally dawned on you. You were in love with him. "Why'd you only call me when you're high?" The tears started to sting in your eyes,the drummer looked at you with a questioning expression. "High? What do you mean?" "Why'd you only call me and come here when your high?" After repeating your previous question,your voice cracked and all tears were let to flow down on your cheeks. "What? (Y/n) i really don't understand what you're talking about." "Why are you only showing interest in me when you're drunk and need to empty your balls. Is it more clear like that?" Jungkook's heart cracked at the sight of you crying because of him. He didn't want you to fall for him,not when he's at the peak of his career,but it would be a lie to say he didn't feel something for you.

"(Y/n)...come on,you know i can't be with someone. I thought that we both made this clear." His tattoed arms were still securely wrapped around you,stroking your back in the hopes of the action giving you some comfort,but as soon as you looked up to him with teary eyes,he couldn't help but let his waterworks flow too. Truth be told,Jungkook hated to see you sad,as awkward as the situation was right now,he hated seeing the one he fell for sad. "No,you made it clear for yourself. You're always acting nice with me,always closing any distance we had between us...no matter how hard i try to stay away from you,you suffocate me...if it was with hatred,it would be better,but it isn't. You're always here to fuck me up then rebuild me once you're sober. I fucking hate you for making me fall for you but i hate myself more for letting myself fall for you."

Your words were stinging. Even poisonous to his ears. Did you really hate him? And as much as it hurt him,it hurt you the same. You never really saw someone else in the hopes of being his one day,you won't blame it on him because you were the one in control of your own life,but every step you declined from someone else was to aliment the hope of being his one day. "I'm sorry...(Y/n)...i...i know you like me...but it won't work out. I do see you as more than just a friend with benefits,i do like you too...but...i can't be with you when i don't even know what tomorrow is made of." You tried to get out of his grip,but it only tightened and he brought your chin up with two fingers. "Listen,don't think i don't like you...if i didn't..you wouldn't be the first one i call to help me,fuck,i know i sound like an asshole for saying this but i do like you...i just..." he was getting ridiculous at this point and he knew it. "You just what? You don't want to miss out on someone else. I get it. You want your target list to be finished then crawl back to me when you're done."  "(Y/n) it's not like tha-" you finally got out of his grip. "No. Don't say anything. I get it. But i won't be a second choice to anyone. Let alone you. Good night." You quickly wiped your tears away and went to your room,closing the door behind yourself,leaving Jungkook alone,in the dark living room.

He was tossing and turning for more than an hour now. You could hear it from your room how he was walking up and down the hall. 'I really fucked up.' he thought to himself and he wasn't wrong. You were probably the only person who would really go to hell and back for him and you were the only person he would do the same for. Then why was he acting like an asshole towards you now? Now that he was sure of your feelings,why did he have to break everything he tried to build? It couldn't end like that.

He softly knocked on your door,even if you told him to go away,he opened the door and lied down next to you,taking your body in his arms,nuzzling his face into the skin of your neck. "I'm sorry..." his soft lips placed a kiss on your neck and hands grabbed yours. "Sorry for what? For at least telling me the truth?" "(Y/n)...it's not like that...i just don't want to fuck things up. I prefer to fuck it up now than once we're together. I...i do love you...i heard the bells and the fireworks as soon as i saw you...but i don't want to fuck this up. Simply because i know how fans are,how groupies are. I prefer you seeing my fuckboy image than the real me,as much as i hate it though." You turned around,facing him,still in his clutch. "Well too late dumbass,i fell for the awkward and nice you,the one i see during studio hours,during practice,not this...whole flirty fuckboy persona that i get to see at every thursday at 3 am." He inhaled then kissed your forehead,bringing you closer to him. "It's too late for me to ask you to be my girlfriend...right? I don't want things to end...and,if the only way for me to stay with you is to put that image aside,i'm willing to do it."  You sighed. He was still in the wrong. You didn't want him to change for you,but for him. To be himself again. "Jungkook,you don't understand...i want you to be you. I don't want you to rush into things because you don't want to lose me. Plus,you might not like a relationship,so if you don't want one right now,then leave me alone and don't make me fall for you more."

He shut you up before you could go on your monologue with a kiss. Not a rushed one like usually. But a soft one. One that tasted like cigarettes,monster,alcohol and love. "I love you...and starting a relationship now...or in 5 years...it won't change shit...no matter what i think now. I...after thinking about it...what you said...you're right. If i don't jump in right now...what will it change in 2 or 5 years? Nothing...i will still be the same if i don't change now." His frown turned into a small smile when he felt your nose in his neck,a light peck on his skin and your hands on his back. "So...you really want to start something with me...out of love and not out of pity?" He smacked the back of your head,out of habit but also out of outrage,he didn't want you to think he was doing this out of pity. "You dumbass,i want to be with you. I really want to. Out of love. Not because i pity you. You are probably the only person who would accept my headassery...and i love you. So please...don't ever think i would do this brcause of pity." You simply laughed,still sniffing a little bit and cupped his cheeks. "Good,because...i love you too." He kissed you first,again. Now with more passion though. His hands roaming around your back and ribcage,then on your waist,he couldn't help but pull you closer,until it couldn't be done anymore. "I know you do...now...shouldn't we sleep..? Because it's half past five...and you have to wake up at 10 so you can study..." You kissed his neck once more then placed your head on his chest. "It's already almost 6..might as well watch some cartoons and eat breakfast,no?" Jungkook's face lit up like a child's at the candy store. "Now i know why i heard the bells and the fireworks when i saw you."

I hope you guys enjoyed this,i kinda made it longer than most of my writings,but i still hope it's okay!

My requests are always open,so please,if you have something to request,i am more than happy to do it!

[twisted-tales-of-all]

Why an Incubus Listens to His Human

Human!Reader x Incubus!Dawon ;; Kinktober Masterlist gender-ambiguous!reader (there’s not really dom/sub vibes in this one, it’s pretty even)

Anon Request

Summary: You fall asleep after a draining day to find your incubus buddy waiting for you. Even though you’re too exhausted for him, you improvise so he won’t drain your energy further while still helping him, which leads you to an interesting conversation.

Word Count: 1072

Contains: lazy sex (technically), pillow prince(ss) vibes, thigh-fucking, quickie (kinda??), dream sex (technically), fluff (yes with an incubus idk it’s more fluff than smut ngl)

A/N: I originally had a concept, but this one ended up going in a much fluffier direction. I think my brain wanted a reset after all the smut I’ve written. I hope that’s okay, anon. Also sorry but I couldn’t not use this cute af gif

As you arrive home, you find yourself exhausted. You kick off the annoying work shoes and exhale at the release of pain and tension in your feet. You throw your bag on the couch and rush to your bed. As you flop down, you mouth your thanks for the day finishing. Almost immediately after closing your eyes, you fall asleep.

You find yourself awake again with someone next to you. You instantly remember him from your past dreams, so you roll your eyes at his expression. As he props his head up with his hand, he looks at you with an expectant look on his face.

"Not tonight, Dawon. I'm already exhausted. I can't have you draining me more."

Suddenly, the usually cocky boy pouts, "But tonight will be so fun~ Come on, please?"

You scoff, wondering whether an incubus can even genuinely be sweet. You insist that he won't be draining you tonight, so he rubs his crotch against your thigh while continuing to beg you to help him. The grinding gives you an idea, so you begin questioning the demon.

"Dawon, how do you drain me? What has to happen?"

"Uh, penetration? It can be any hole, though." He winks after suggesting it, thinking you might be down for other forms of sex.

"So, I'm fine if you don't penetrate? Will it also still help you, or do you have to drain me?"

"Nah, if I get off, I get off. Some of my friends fell for their sexual partner and didn't want to drain them anymore, so they stick to handjobs and toys and stuff. The idiots are missing out, though."

"You really wanna get off tonight, right?" You ask, ignoring his long explanation.

He responds with a single nod of the head, smiling brightly. His member twitches as he realizes that he might still get what he needs.

"No penetration, but if you can find a way to get off without me doing any work for it, you can."

Without hesitation, the boy rolls over and holds himself above you with a twisted joy filling his eyes. He scans your body, wondering what the best option is for him. When he glances at your feet, he hesitates. Then, he looks up to your thighs, and you see the lightbulb go off in his head.

"You ready, sweetheart? I know exactly what I'm doing."

You nod, "As long as I can just lay here."

"Would you be willing to lay on your side? You don't have to do anything else."

You turn, and he moves behind you, positioning his member between your thighs. Once comfortable, he begins slowly moving. As sexual as he is, Dawon's always been very caring. He always listens to you and makes sure you're never uncomfortable or in any pain. When you think about the fact that he's an incubus, only his cockiness and playful teasing match your original idea of the demons. His soft personality shines through in moments of compromise like these.

Curious about him, you start a conversation, "Dawon, have you always been an incubus?"

He continues moving as he answers, "Yup, as far as I know."

"Are all incubi as kind as you? I imagined that you'd all be too set on the sex to care about the humans you use."

He stops for a quick moment, but he hopes you don't notice and continues moving at a slightly faster pace to cover his tracks. Instantly, you worry that he's not comfortable with the topic, so you apologize.

"No, no. It's okay. You aren't wrong, though. Most of them are too lustful to care. At one point, I was one of those demons, too."

You try to turn your head to look at him, but he nuzzles his head into the back of your neck to avoid your gaze.

"What changed you?"

You hear the sigh he tries covering with another speed increase. He answers despite the obvious hesitation, "I learned what happens if we fuck a human too much too quickly."

"Oh... You don't want to kill?"

"One sec, Y/N. I'll explain, but I need to cum, and there's no way I can while I think about that sort of topic. Deal?"

You nod and feel him reach his normal speed. After a few minutes, you hear his usual groans. When you feel his sloppiness join, you know he's close, and, moments later, you feel the warm liquid drip down your thigh. He stays still in the silence for a minute before talking again.

"Do you want me to clean up for you?"

"No, it's okay. It won't be here when I wake. I do still want that explanation, though."

He throws his arm around you to cuddle up closer. With his naked body flush against yours, you swear you feel a heartbeat and have to make a mental note to remind yourself that a demon shouldn't have one.

"I have a heart, Y/N. It is my heartbeat." He reads your thoughts before beginning his story, "Yes, we kill if we sleep with a human too much in a short time period, but that's not the part that bugs me. For demons, killing is pretty normalized. I'm also fine with dealing with the addiction that comes with constant fucking. The one thing I couldn't deal with is the memories that remain. By entering one's dreams, you learn a lot about the person. If a human could know what I know about you, for instance, they'd fall in love. Knowing that much about someone and still killing them hurts. A lot."

In an awkward attempt at lifting the mood, you joke, "Aw, you've fallen for me? How sweet, Dawon!"

"You sure you're human? That bad of a joke seems on par with angels." His tone dry and serious, you know he's complimenting you with his equally-bad attempt at a joke.

"Y/N?"

"Mhm?"

"Thanks for making me feel more human. Even if it's only in your dreams, I hope we'll meet a lot. I hope you'll let me stay for a long time, even though I'm always draining your energy."

You smile and respond as you feel yourself drift back to consciousness, "Stay in my dreams as long as you want, Dawon. You're the sweetest demon I could've ever ended up with, after all."

As your dream fades to black, you hear what vaguely sounds like Dawon's voice whisper, "I love you."

[steppedoffaflight]

Summer’s a Knife - Chapter 16

Catch up on Chapter 15 here

“So,” Danica is the first one to speak, “When are you supposed to see him again?”

Your shoulders slump at this. “He’s in town this weekend, but I don’t think we’re gonna see each other.”

Mary snaps to attention, her eyes locking with yours. “Why not?”

Everyone seems to be on the edge of their seat, waiting for more details with bated breath.

You shrug, but Mary only narrows her eyes. “I think I’m gonna end things,” You keep your voice light, stirring the ice in your now-empty glass.

or

Summer’s coming to an end.

Word count: ~8.2k

Chapter Sixteen October 2019

Those few rushed nights with Van are all you get in September. 

The band’s schedule is less jam-packed this month, and Van promises over text that he’ll be around soon. He responds to you more often, and is able to fit in some phone calls more often when he’s on smoke breaks, even if sometimes he accidentally calls you at three A.M. and has to go to voicemail. 

You know you should be excited to see him again, but you can’t stop remembering how awful you feel each time he leaves. With September under your belt you’re more adapted to his absence, feeling a little more steady on your feet. Wouldn’t seeing him again just fuck it all up? 

Maybe you could still be friends with Van, as long as you kept a little distance between you two. Maybe if you gave yourself some space this month you could accept that Van was just a best friend with a spotty visitation schedule, and not cling to him so tightly. You make a pact with yourself to take October off of seeing Van, with the exception of phone calls and texts. That way you could keep him at arm’s length while you get your head together.

Even making that promise to yourself gives you a rush of relief. Your September funk had been much more serious than you’d realized, and now that you were starting to shake it off you knew you couldn’t jeopardize it. You’d started having regular weekend brunch with Mary at the diner again, and had gone out with the girls at work for drinks after one of them secured a huge client for the company. Everything was starting to fall back into place in your world, returning to the way it had been before your birthday weekend in San Diego had tipped everything over.

\\

On a Monday morning midway through the month, you’re dashing to your desk after running hopelessly late. You’d forgotten to plug your phone in last night, so it’d died in the middle of the night, and your body’s natural clock had woken you up on way too short notice. Thankfully nobody seems to notice as you slide into your cubicle, eagerly tapping the enter key on your keyboard to wake your computer up. 

Your phone is still dead in your bag, and you dig it out before rustling through a drawer for your work charger. As your phone starts to boot up you focus on your computer, using your credentials to log in. You take a moment to collect yourself as everything loads, smoothing your hair down and taking a sip of your coffee you’d poured into a travel mug before rushing out the door. 

You’ve caught your breath by the time you get your browser open and your email loaded. The subject line of the third email in your inbox immediately catches your eye: Y/N OPEN THIS NOW IT’S IMPORTANT

It’s from Danica, one of the girls in your coworker friend group.

The new martini bar on Melrose finally opened and we want to get drinks Friday after work!! Let me know if you’re in!

Getting drinks on Friday sounded fun, but you had no idea what she was talking about. Yeah I’m in, you send back, but what martini bar on Melrose?

You take a quick trip to the bathroom, and when you come back there’s a response at the top of your inbox. She’s linked the website for the bar, and it does look pretty cool. The decor is crisp and modern, and from their ‘about’ section it looks like they’re bordering the fine line of being a club without trying to attract the student crowd. 

Oh, cool! Do you care if I invite my friend Mary? From the photos it looks like the sort of place Mary would be right at home charming everyone at, so you can’t resist asking. 

Once Danica has given her approval to invite Mary, you finally unlock your phone, ready to send a text to her about Friday night. That’s when you see Van’s message.

Guess who’s gonna be flying in on Friday?

Your blood instantly runs cold. Oh shit.

\\

It only takes that simple text to throw you off kilter. How can some words on a screen do that? 

You swipe Van’s message away, hoping to forget about it. You couldn’t, of course, but you’d made a promise to yourself not to see him and now he was trying to mess that up! You’d have to say no. You knew you’d have to say no. Technically, you had plans. And, more importantly, you were not going to spend the weekend crying your eyes out over some stupid guy! It was a no. For sure. The only thing is that you’d have to figure out how to say it.

You proceed with texting Mary about the martini bar, and then decide to focus on work for the day. You were already behind from running late and time wasted emailing Danica, so you needed to get going. It would be good for Van not to have an immediate response. You needed some time to word things in a way that wouldn’t hurt his feelings. After all, it’s not him- it’s you. 

But after an hour of some market research you pick your phone up again. Omg I just made plans for Friday, You respond with an emoji of a facepalm. You get back to work, ridiculously proud of how you’d brushed him off. Take that, Van McCann. You would not be dropping everything to see him.

\\

Van doesn’t respond until the next afternoon. That’s alright! Saturday?

You bury your head in your hands where you’re sitting at your favorite cafe booth on your lunch. Lord, he was making this so fucking hard.

It isn’t until you’re home, fresh glass of wine in hand, that you reply. Idk. So swamped with work lately.

\\

To keep your guilt at bay, you actually do swamp yourself with work. Van has dropped the subject of meeting up for the moment being, but you know he’ll bring it back up with a vengeance. You don’t know if there’s been one time he’s been in L.A. this entire summer that you two haven’t hung out, and knowing he’s not the type to let subjects drop peacefully leaves a pit of dread in your stomach. 

You smother said dread with the market research you’re currently doing for some sort of waterless shampoo for dogs. It was a successful enough product, given that there were already a few brands on pet store shelves. The only issue is that you were at a loss when it came to what was supposed to make this particular brand special. The client couldn’t answer that question herself, either, so this was essentially a THC-water-rerun where you use up the research budget, don’t get anywhere, and the client eventually gives up. 

As you remember the THC water, your fingers reach across your desk for a pen, so you can jot down a reminder to send them a thank you note for the products they’d sent you. Van had informed you during one of your phone calls last month that he’d brought the bottles on tour, where one night the boys chugged the entire pack. According to him, they’d all actually gotten high. Plus, you’d like an update on how they were doing with their new marketing team. You’d managed to call in a favor from a different firm with more THC experience, who was genuinely interested in taking them on. Hopefully now their product was getting the attention it needed. 

\\

On Friday morning, you wake up sick to your stomach. You’d barely slept, your mind tossing Van’s impending visit back and forth the entire night. He hasn’t texted you about it since you’d brushed him off on Tuesday, and now you were filled with the sinking feeling that he was upset with you. Which, first of all, was a ridiculous thought. You hadn’t done anything wrong by not clearing your schedule for him! Certainly he understood that you had your own life and your own job, and not everything revolved around him. As much as you wanted it to.

And that was the real problem, wasn’t it? The more that Van was sweet and understanding, the harder it was to force yourself to reject him. You literally wanted nothing more than to come home from having drinks tonight and find him curled up in your bed. You were putting yourself through this torture, and it wasn’t even necessary!

But it is necessary, you remind yourself. Look at you! Losing sleep, stumbling around while your stomach does somersaults just because you were so hopelessly in love with Van your body couldn’t bear the concept of having to opt out of seeing him for one weekend. How were you ever supposed to create some distance between you two?

You’re a zombie at work, jumping at your phone each time it buzzed. It was never Van, only the group chat of everyone going out tonight. You let them discuss their outfits and designated driver situation amongst themselves, trying to force yourself to focus on the paperwork you needed to get done to help a client apply for a patent today. 

\\

You startle when your phone vibrates on the bathroom counter, almost falling into the damp sink. You lurch for it with the hand not currently running the flat iron through your hair, sighing in irritation. The group chat has continued to go off incessantly all day, keeping a steady stream of anxiety and adrenaline running through you. What could everyone possibly need to fucking talk about when you guys were about to be face-to-face in less than an hour?

It’s a text from Van. Just got in. 

Although it solidifies the nerves in your stomach, there’s some sort of relief that what you’ve been anticipating has finally happened. Easy flight? You can’t resist responding.

Eh, He says, lots of turbulence.

With no mention of meeting up, your shoulders release the tension they’ve been carrying all day. Your phone buzzes again, but it’s the girls, and you hurry to order your Uber while you finish up your hair and put the final touches on your makeup.

\\

Martinis on Melrose is hard to see from the main road, and it takes your driver a minute to find his way into the parking lot. The name is glowing in a dark blue neon script across the smooth cement of the exterior, casting a glow on all of the sleek cars crammed into the lot. You’re glad you don’t have to worry about finding a spot as you shimmy out of the backseat, hoisting your bag over your shoulder and trying to find your footing on your heels.

Two of the girls are already here and have reserved a table for tonight, but Theo is still en route dropping Mary off. You pause just outside of the front door, eager to stall, and dig around in your purse for your pack of cigarettes.

It’s the quiet before the storm, that moment before you walk into a gathering where you like to mentally brace yourself for the night to come. No offense to the girls, as you enjoy their company a ton, but you’ll always be an introvert at heart. Having a quick cigarette is the perfect way to calm yourself down, get yourself ready to be social for an extended period of time. Your first puff sends relief rushing through your brain, a craving satisfied. 

As you watch your exhaled smoke glow blue from the fluorescent lighting, you feel a pang of disappointment in yourself. You can’t believe Van’s managed to get you hooked on nicotine. Oh, Van. The disappointment in your belly blooms larger, deeper. Disappointment that you won’t be ending your day wrapped in his arms, comforted by his company, his charisma that had weaseled around your introverted tendencies until you felt right at home with him in your space. Disappointed that you don’t have him by your side tonight, your hand in his, anchoring you to the moment. Disappointed that after the fiasco over this weekend, you had the feeling that you’d never be able to remain just friends with him.

“Since when do you smoke alone?” Mary’s voice has you crawling out of your skin, dropping your cigarette from the scare.

“Shit,” You hiss, further disappointed that you have to stomp your cigarette out when it was only halfway done. The cement is so fresh and clean you decide to lean over and pick the butt up, depositing it in the trash directly to your right by the door. “Just getting my head in the game,” You respond to Mary.

Ever the extrovert, she clearly doesn’t understand, blinking at you as she tosses her hair over her shoulder. “I fucking love that outfit,” She changes the topic.

You glance down at yourself. It’s actually the same one you’d worn to Lou’s birthday party, complete with the uncomfortable heels and the denim jacket to help dress it down. Looking down at your toes you remember trading shoes with Sam, arguing with Van in hushed tones on the deck stairs. You hadn’t known how deep your feelings were for him then, but you remember how his jealousy both pissed you off and pleased you at the same time, an indication that he might want your arrangement to go deeper than friends. That memory falls into the disappointment abyss when you realize in hindsight how that never happened. 

“Thanks, but look at you!” You beam at her, gesturing to her own dress. It’s a silk slip that looks like you might see a Kardashian posing in it on instagram. It makes her legs look a mile long, and she’s gone braless, always on trend. She’s got her right hand wrapped around a sleek clutch bag, and as you two head into the bar she holds it up.

“Don’t let me get drunk and forget this in the bathroom or at the table,” She warns in a low tone.

“I’ll try,” You mutter, as the hustle and bustle of the club surrounds you two. “But I’m in need of a few martinis myself.”

“Long week?” Mary eyes you after she scans the room. You’re doing the same, looking for the table Danica had texted you they were at. 

You spot the table, starting to head to it, Mary following along. “Oh yeah,” You nod enthusiastically, realizing how emotionally drained you’ve been since Van’s text on Monday.

You introduce everyone to Mary before sliding into the curved booth, exchanging greetings. One of the girls pass you a menu that you look over with curiosity. You need something strong enough to forget these last two months.

Your focus on the menu fades when your phone buzzes against the glossy tabletop. Just as you reach to check what notification has appeared the server comes around to get you and Mary’s drink order. While she opts for a cosmopolitan your eyes quickly flit over the page, your brain scrambling to read the different ingredients in your hurry.

“I’ll have an endless summer,” You recite to the waitress, smiling at her as she hurries away to relay the order. She leaves the menu so that the girls that haven’t arrived yet can look over it. 

As soon as she’s gone you grab for your phone again, unlocking it to see a text from Van: Wanna do lunch at that diner tomorrow? It’ll help with that hangover

You’d told him about your plans to go out for drinks, and his thoughtfulness makes your heart ache. Why does he have to be so fucking nice all of the time?

“Is that Van?” Mary interrupts the wave of sadness welling up in your chest. Everyone has stopped talking, Mary commanding the attention of everyone per usual. 

“Um, yeah,” You respond politely, despite the urge to reach over and strangle her. Everyone’s eyes are on you, and your cheeks burn at the way Mary’s just exposed your Van situation to everyone. 

“Who?” Danica asks, tilting her head as she takes a sip of her drink. “I thought you were single!”

Realizing your coworkers had no idea about him, Mary’s face lights up in joy. You hate her for it, internally groaning. There’s no way she’s going to let you get away without telling everyone what was going on. 

“Y/N hasn’t told you about Van?” Mary asks, leaning in excitedly. Danica and your other coworker that had arrived early, Nicole, are suddenly at attention, waiting for you to explain.

“Hey, hey!” Olivia- forever the loudest coworker in the office- calls from behind your shoulder. She’s sauntering effortlessly on stilettos, Mia trailing behind.

Olivia makes a big scene of plopping down in the booth, Mia shuffling in next to you. Whereas you’re the quiet counterpart to Mary, Mia’s the same to Olivia. You’d always liked Mia, the way she never seemed stressed or worked up over office demands or drama; she tended to let them roll off of her with a quiet shrug. You tended to stay away from Olivia, however. While Mary radiated an outgoing, enjoyable charisma, Olivia radiated an air of lead-cheerleader bitchiness.

The commotion of Olivia and Mia’s arrival has successfully diverted the conversation to how hard the restaurant had been for Olivia to find, and everyone forgets about the Van topic. You sigh in relief when the waitress comes back around to collect the new drink orders, gingerly setting a glass full of sunset-colored alcohol in front of you. It starts deep red at the bottom with the cranberry juice, and somehow fades to a soft orange by the middle of the glass, a pale pink at the top. You suck at your straw eagerly, ready to have some alcohol in your system. It’s overly sweet and burns as it goes down, but Danica and Nicole are already one drink ahead of you, so you’re trying to catch up.

“He’s an annoying motherfucker,” Olivia is complaining about her husband, tossing her phone back into her bag with a scoff. Mia murmurs agreement next to you, and Danica is asking her some question about wedding venues. Danica’s not engaged just yet, but it’s clear she’s desperate for a proposal from her boyfriend. 

Oh, to be surrounded by friends in couples. Mary has chimed in about some pet peeve she has about Theo, and you let their conversation fade to the background of your mind as you pick your phone up again.

This weekend doesn’t really work for me at all, you text Van. It physically pains you to press send, but you know it’s what you’ve got to do. He’s not getting the hint!

“Oh! Y/N!” Danica suddenly exclaims, and when you look up from your screen she is gesturing excitedly, like the words are on the tip of her tongue.

“You were gonna tell us about that Victor guy!” She finally spits it out, and the spotlight is on you again. 

“Van,” You correct absentmindedly, before realizing you’d missed the point. You clear your throat, tucking your phone in the pocket of your jacket, deciding not to check it again. You couldn’t handle Van possibly becoming angry or hurt. “Um, there’s not much to say!” You laugh nervously, glancing at Mary as a call for help. “He’s my best friend.”

“Besides, you, of course,” You hurry to assure Mary. She rolls her eyes in amusement, unbothered.

“He’s her best friend with benefits,” Mary stirs the pot. Everyone’s interest in you had started to fade with your lackluster explanation, but at the mention of the benefits they all perk up again. 

“And get this,” Mary gestures excitedly, and you’re relieved she’s taking over the storytelling. “He’s the lead singer of this band that’s fucking huge in the U.K.”

“No way,” Danica’s eyes widen.

“Yeah,” Mary nods. “We met him after they played a show at the House of Blues in San Diego.” 

“When?” Nicole pipes up, scooting in closer. 

“In January, when I was there for my birthday,” You tell her. 

“You’ve been with him since January?” Danica asks, clearly shocked. “You haven’t said a word!”

You open your mouth to respond, but are interrupted by the waitress passing out another round of drinks. You take the last few sips of your first martini, then stick your straws into the next glass. 

“Girl, explain,” Nicole demands, earning a laugh from everyone at the table. 

“Hold on,” You laugh, feeling a bit more comfortable with their interest. This whole thing has been weighing on you, after all, and now you’ve got the chance to get some fresh opinions on what you should do. Without further ado you hold the straw of your drink between your thumb and forefinger, swallowing it down in a matter of a minute.

“I need to catch up!” Olivia shouts as you pull away, and starts to gulp down her own drink. She’s finished quicker than you, ever the show-off, and waves the waitress over again to request another round for you and her. 

The waitress is back pronto, another endless summer dripping condensation on the table in front of you, a bloody mary perched in front of Olivia. 

You take a sip to wet your throat before you sit back.

You’ve never told the story of you two out loud like this before. Mary’s been present every step of the way, and you’d managed to stay away from your family’s prying by telling them only the basics of your friendship. This is the first time you have to listen to yourself explain all of the time you’ve spent together, and it shocks you as you hear yourself. Like when you explain the story of Van catching strep throat, and Mia is confused as to why he decided to spend over a week crashing at your place. You recite Van’s excuse at the time about the lack of food at his house, but nobody at the booth seems convinced. 

You trail off when you’re finished, deciding not to share anymore details with anyone. Mary had snorted more than once during your chronicles due to your decision to keep everything very surface and PG- although you’re sure none of these girls cared about Catfish, Van’s trust is sacred to you. You’re fiercely protective over the private moments you two have had together; even Mary doesn’t know about the way you’d tied him up during his birthday sex. 

There’s a silence that falls over everyone when you’re finished, punctuating the story of your summer with a long, burning sip of your drink. You’re expecting Olivia to launch into her own story- no doubt somehow more interesting than yours- but you’re surprised to see her stirring her bloody mary, looking lost in thought. Was this Van thing really that crazy?

“So,” Danica is the first one to speak, “When are you supposed to see him again?”

Your shoulders slump at this. “He’s in town this weekend, but I don’t think we’re gonna see each other.”

Mary snaps to attention, her eyes locking with yours. “Why not?”

Everyone seems to be on the edge of their seat, waiting for more details with bated breath. 

You shrug, but Mary only narrows her eyes. “I think I’m gonna end things,” You keep your voice light, stirring the ice in your now-empty glass. 

“What? Why?” Nicole shrieks. “He sounds great!”

“He is great,” You affirm. You’d sworn to yourself a long time ago that no matter how this thing plays out, you’d always maintain that Van had been the best man you’d ever been with. “But he’s just really busy now. He was gone for almost all of September.”

“So you’re gonna give him up?” Nicole scoffs in disbelief. “You’re insane, Y/N.”

“I mean, there’s nothing to give up!” You defend yourself weakly, your voice going higher in pitch. “We’re not together!”

Mary opens her mouth to speak, no doubt to derail you from your plan. You understand why she’s eager to dissuade you from something so drastic, but she also had no idea about the agony you’ve been in, how cutting ties with Van is the only way you know how to save your sanity. 

“Do you have a picture?” Olivia asks, successfully interrupting Mary. Despite your dislike for Olivia, you’re glad for her intervention.

“Um, lemme see,” You murmur, grabbing your phone back out of your pocket. But you forgot you’d been keeping your phone in there on purpose, and as you go to scroll through your photo gallery you’re accosted with Van’s reply to your previous message:

Everything alright?

You swipe it away, reaching your drink before realizing it’s empty. “Ugh, I need another one of these.” How many drinks have you had now? Three? You wish you remembered.

You deliberate over what photo to show them; you hardly take any when you two are together, and most of the ones you’ve taken seem too intimate to share with others. You laugh when you scroll past a photo of Van you’d taken in August, standing by the front door with his ribboned ficus in his arms. He’s got an exaggerated grin, no attempt to look poised for the camera. There’s tons of photos with his blurry hands or feet in them, attempts to obscure snapchats you were trying to take for Mary, and you hurry past the few nudes he’d sent you when you two had decided to exchange a few over text. You settle on one you feel comfortable sharing; it’s a photo of him at some bar, his eyes bloodshot from the alcohol. He’s flushed and beaming, leaning against Bob, who was the one taking the picture of the two of them. He’d forwarded it to you the next morning, complaining about his hangover. You present this photo to the others.

Immediately Olivia takes your phone from your hands, sending a shot of anxiety through you. You’ll never understand why some people insist on taking the phone out of your hands rather than just looking at the image on the screen. 

“He’s good looking!” She exclaims, almost like she didn’t expect it. Danica and Nicole nod their agreement. When Olivia hands the phone back you flash the photo at Mia, who seems more interested in Bob’s half of the picture.

“Isn’t he?” Mary agrees, playfully elbowing you. “If you’re finished with him then send him my way,” She jokes, but you can hear her ill-concealed frustration with you underneath. You know she’s dying to know what the fuck you’re doing, messing up the best not-relationship you’ve ever had. Maybe she’ll get lunch with you tomorrow, so you can properly explain. Of course you hadn’t shared your true feelings for Van with everyone, but it was probably time for Mary to know. 

“He sounds like a keeper,” Olivia agrees, and you’re surprised to hear she thinks so. You’re even more surprised at everyone’s enthusiastic nods.

“You’d be an idiot to let him go,” Danica tells you seriously, and Nicole murmurs her assent. “Like, seriously. Have you lost interest in him?”

Lost interest in him? You wish it could be true, but that wasn’t even a possibility you could fathom at the moment.

“Uh, no,” You answer her, trying to seem nonchalant. “It’s just the logistics.”

“Well, make it work,” Nicole urges you. 

There’s some murmurs about ‘the one that got away’ from the other girls, and the conversation about Van finally dies out. You’re relieved when Mia brings up a project she’s working on in the office, looking for some advice from everyone about how to respond to a client who tends to have an aggressive tone in his emails. From there things fade into hilarious client stories and email blunders, and you try to seem as engaged as possible, relieved to have the focus off of you.

You lose track of your drinks, absentmindedly sipping them while everyone’s voices flow and mingle around you. You’ve definitely hit your introvert limit, ready to head home and curl up in bed. Nobody seems to notice how quiet you’ve grown, or how you perk up in relief when Mia finally suggests you guys call it a night. Everyone takes her cue, the table lighting up with phone screens as everyone reaches out to their ride. 

“Theo can take you home,” Mary offers when you pull up the Uber app.

“Oh, it’s fine,” You politely decline. There’s a lot of Ubers doing rounds on a busy street like Melrose during this time, and you know a car will be here soon. More than anything you were craving the quiet, some time away from this loud club music and conversation.

“If you’re sure…” Mary trails off. You remember your idea about lunch suddenly, ready to blurt it out to her, but the sober fraction of your brain shushes you. It would be incredibly rude to make lunch plans with someone right in front of everyone else.

Lunch tomorrow? You text her instead, and watch the notification ping on her phone screen.

YES. she sends back. YOU HAVE EXPLAINING TO DO. 

That would cause sober-you to dread these plans, but thankfully drunk-you is only preoccupied with going home. 

\\

You’re drunker than you’d thought by the end of the night. You’d managed to down all of your drinks without the need to use the restroom (miraculously), but when you had stood up to let Mary shuffle out of the booth it suddenly felt like your bladder was nothing but a bouncing water balloon, and all of the alcohol had rushed to your head. You had struggled to keep yourself walking in a straight line to the bathroom, not to mention staying balanced on your heels while you washed your hands. You get the notification your ride is here as soon as you’re pushing through the heavy swinging door, so you grab your bag back at the booth and exchange goodbyes and promises to do this again with Nicole, who is the last one waiting for a ride, and head out front.

There’s no silence quite as satisfying as the one that follows a night out after you’ve hopped into the car and closed the door. Besides the polite hello the driver offers he doesn’t seem interested in conversation, so you stare out the window at the night sky and try to make sense of the mess in your head.

Only as the car is pulling out onto Melrose do you remember you’d left a text from Van on read. You grab your phone off of the seat next to you, clicking your texts with Van open.

Everything alright? You read to yourself over and over. How the fuck were you supposed to answer that? Was he really that clueless? Were you that amazing at hiding how much this had been hurting you, or had he just not bothered to pay attention?

I’m fine, you decide to reply. Was it the truth? Not exactly. But you knew you would be, eventually. Ending things would hurt like hell at first, but you’d recover. You had from every other heartbreak you’ve experienced in your life, after all. 

You’re surprised when your phone vibrates in your palm, an instant reply from Van: Don’t seem fine. 

Shit. Maybe he’s been paying a bit more attention than you thought. You double down on your lie: It’s fine Van. 

The three dots pop up before you can even lock your phone: ??

You click your screen off, tossing your phone beside you on the bench. It bounces with a soft thud, and you rest your head in your hands, trying to take a deep breath.

Everyone’s advice starts to echo in your mind: He sounds like a keeper! You’d be an idiot to let him go! Make it work! Offered up so happily as if those were actually options, as if there was any fucking possibility Van felt the same way about you. 

It completely overwhelms you then, how in over your head you are. There had been moments where you’d felt a speck of hope, signs that maybe he wanted more than this casual thing, but now it’s been six months of spending time together, and exactly zero attempts by him to broach the subject. It all hits you then, all the emotions you’ve been keeping controlled while you tried to enjoy your night out, and before you know it you’re in tears.

It’s only a few tears at first, but letting go feels so good you give in to it, the car silent except for your loud sniffles and the occasional shaky breath. The Uber driver, to his credit, doesn’t react as you silently bawl your eyes out in the backseat.

Your phone goes off again from where it’s facedown, light seeping out of the sides. You leave it there, for once not pathetically controlled by Van’s moment-to-moment whim. A little laugh bubbles out of you at that thought, and you think absentmindedly that you must sound absolutely crazy, but you’re too drunk to care, the alcohol carrying that thought away as you continue your catharsis.

Time slips by in jumps and starts, your tears slowing eventually, and by the time the car turns onto your block you’re excited to get inside, make yourself a hot mug of tea, and continue your cry in private. Your house is the only one on your side of the street with the light on, and so you watch it slide into view as the car makes its way down the road.

“It’s that one,” You snuffle, “With the light on.”

As the car approaches, your blood goes cold.

Your first instinct is to assume it’s some sort of alcohol-induced hallucination. You wipe the tears from your eyes furiously, but when you look again there’s no mistaking it. The porch light is cascading down your front lawn, and Van’s silhouette is perched on your front steps, smoking a cigarette.

“Here you go, ma’am,” The driver stops the car and unlocks the door for you. As soon as the car pulls up Van tosses his cigarette onto the front path and stomps it out, standing up. You watch him through the car window in disbelief before you grab your things, give a numb thank you, and get out of the car.

There’s a stretch of silence as the Uber pulls away where you stand right outside of the front gate, unable to do anything except gape at Van. 

A car suddenly whizzes down your road, and you realize how close you are to being in the street. “What the fuck are you doing here?” You exclaim, the clatter of the gate clicking closed behind you echoing with your voice off of the silent houses around you.

“I came here to get some answers!” Van says, exasperated. “You won’t tell me nothin’!”

“There’s nothing to say!” You gesture with your arms as you reach the steps, face to face with him. “There’s no answers to get!”

“You’ve been cryin’!” Van gestures towards you, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” You wipe at your undereye self consciously and look down at your finger. There’s a smear of mascara. You sigh before moving past Van up the stairs, headed for the front door. He follows.

“Did I do something?” He asks, coming into your peripheral vision. “If I did, just tell me! Let me make this right.”

You look through your purse for your keys, ignoring him.

“Christ, I’m sorry. I didn’t do anything on purpose!”

You continue your search for your keys, keeping your head down.

“Fuck,” You say quietly to yourself as you sweep your bag for the third time and fail. You click your phone on, switching on the flashlight and lighting up your bag.

Van groans in frustration, wiping a hand through his hair. “Y/N!”

“What?” You snap at him, looking up. You’ve finally found your key and you jam it into the door, clicking it unlocked.

“Why are you ignorin’ me?” He pleads.

“Van,” You start, trying to keep your voice steady. You look up at him then, and you feel like your breath’s been punched out of you. The light is illuminating him from behind, a halo of golden light that catches each strand of frizz and accentuates the sharp line of his chin. His hair’s grown out since the spring, the light snagging the curls that are upturned at the nape of his neck. You swallow thickly. His eyes are wide in confusion.

“I think we need to end things,” You say quietly, struggling to see through a fresh batch of tears.

His jaw hangs slightly ajar. “What?” He asks in disbelief.

Your eyes are welling up again, and you wipe at them, a mess of mascara on your hands. “We’re done,” You tell him, voice wobbling, as you swing the door open and head inside.

He doesn’t give you a chance to shut the door in his face, heading in right behind you. “You’re fucking joking! What have I done?”

You head straight for the bathroom, examining yourself in the mirror. You cringe inwardly at yourself and grab for your makeup wipes, trying to make yourself look a little less pathetic.

Van is standing in the front room. “I’m not leaving until we talk about this,” He says loudly so you can hear him from behind the bathroom door.

You don’t respond, wiping away your eyeliner vigorously.

“I said I’m sorry!”

You sigh to yourself.

“Look, I-”

“Listen, Van!” You cut him off from the other room. You swing the door open, marching out. “It’s like you said in the hotel that one time, remember? We’re supposed to be simple, easy. And that was working great. You stop by at your convenience, and I throw everything else out of the fucking window to spend time with you. And then you just fucking… disappear! For two months! And it- I-” You struggle to find any words, your voice fading out as you feel yourself start to cry again. And I love you. I miss you. 

Van throws his arms up. “I didn’t mean it like that at all, c’mon! It’s not at my convenience! I was working! I wasn’t trying to ignore ya! I try my hardest to come around!” 

He sighs, running a hand through his hair again. When he speaks again, he’s quieter. “It wasn’t like that, honest.”

“I just can’t do this anymore,” You try desperately to explain. “This whole ‘simple’ thing is killing me. The long trips out to see you, and I’m lucky if I get to see you for two whole days…” Your words are interrupted by an embarrassingly pathetic sob, Van’s eyes widening at your outpouring of emotion.

“Please don’t tell me you think this whole thing was about having you around just for a fuck,” Van pleads. “You’re my best mate! I can’t help that I travel a lot!”

You bury your face in your hands.

Van sighs, moving towards you. “I didn’t mean to make you cry,” He says earnestly. “C’mon. I’m sorry. Get out of that dress and we can turn a film on, yeah? Or we can go grab some food. Whatever you wanna do.” 

You groan into your palms, the sound echoing in your ears. He just wasn’t getting it.

“I’ll make it up to you,” Van offers, his voice soft. “I didn’t… I’m sorry if it seemed like I was using you, or something.”

“But then we’ll go out to eat, and everything’ll be fine tonight, but it’s still gonna be the same! And you’re gonna be so busy with tour, and it’s not fair to me when you’re not around, and I can’t spend my whole life roadtripping with you!”

“The bulk of this leg is over!” Van argues, “And I don’t mind if you’re busy. It’ll be your turn to text me like I’ve been texting you, yeah?” The corner of his lips quirk up in a tired smile.

“Oh my God, Van,” You groan again. You take a long, frustrated inhale. It was now or never, you realize, because he might be the best man you’ve ever been with, but he’s still completely clueless. 

“I’m trying to tell you I fucking love you!” You yell, throwing your arms up. “I fucking love you! I don’t want simple and easy! I want you!”

You feel like you’re about to faint from the admission. For a terrifying moment all of the blood rushes to your head, and the only sound you can hear is your own heartbeat in your ears. You’ve put all your cards on the table, and there was no going back. Van might’ve been eager to fix things moments ago, but he could very well change his entire attitude now that the truth is out.

While you stand there, terrified, you notice his tired smile start to stretch into a grin.

“What?” He asks, grinning ear to ear.

“I love you,” You repeat, no longer yelling. Your throat hurts. It feels like the dust settling after an explosion, but your heart is skipping because Van isn’t running, not yet.

“Are you saying that I’m not simple? Or easy?” Van jokes, still beaming.

“No.” You feel a small laugh of relief bubble up. “I know it’s hard. With the traveling, and the label deadlines and stuff. But I’ve had the trial period. I wanna be able to text you and ask what you’re doing without seeming all clingy. And I don’t wanna go days without hearing from you!” Van groans at that. “And I want you to be able to tell everyone that I’m your girlfriend. Not your mate!” You say that part with a glare, remembering the conversation between him and Bondy you’d overhead by the ice machine in Detroit. 

“You heard that?” Van groans again, laughing. “I didn’t know what to say! He caught me by surprise!”

“And I want my family to be able to meet you!” You add on, “Not have to lie and pretend you’re busy with band stuff because you wouldn’t come in!”

Van’s jaw drops slightly at that. “I wanted to come in!” He confesses, “I thought you were asking as an afterthought! To be polite!” He runs his hands through his hair, shaking his head in disbelief. “You don’t know how bad I wanted to say yes.”

He wraps his arms around you now, pulling you in close.

“I love you, too,” He admits. “And I have for a long fucking time! I’m sorry it didn’t seem like it. I thought you liked this whole ‘simple’ thing. I was playing it up for your sake!” He sways you back and forth while you bury your head in his chest, wrapping your arms around him. 

“I can’t believe you,” You shake your head against him in exasperation. You lift your head suddenly, your face inches from his. “When did you know?”

Van puffs his cheeks up with air, releasing it with a whoosh as you watch his eyes flit through the air while he considers. “On the couch on the tour bus,” He tells you. “I mean, I already did, but that was my moment of… yeah.” One side of his lips quirk up in a lopsided smile.

“Well, I win,” You tease. “Because I realized it backstage in Phoenix.”

Van’s eyes widen in shock. “You’re fucking joking!” He laughs, “And you’ve been keeping it a secret since?” 

“Yeah!” You exclaim, lifting your hands from where they’re resting on his sides to gesture at him. “You were making it pretty fucking clear you weren’t interested in dating!”

“Oh, yeah?” Van challenges, his playful grin reappearing. “More clear than you attempting to break things off with me?”

“Oh, stop,” You huff, pointing to your puffy eyes and splotchy face. “Clearly you can see it wasn’t an easy decision!”

“Fuck, I thought you had it out for me,” Van laughs, letting one of his hands fall from your back so that he can run it through his hair. “Whatever I did, I was ready to accept your wrath.”

“You don’t even know,” You start, burying your face in his shirt again. Your tears are back, overwhelmed with relief that the truth was finally out, that Van loved you the same way you loved him. “This has been tearing me apart for months now.”

“Me too,” Van sighs, his palm rubbing up and down your spine. “I even told you on accident that one time.”

You freeze, trying to understand what he meant. 

“Wait,” You lift your head, stepping back from him. “Are you talking about that phone call?”

“Yeah.”

At this your jaw drops. You’ve stepped out of Van’s arms, and he’s keeping his hands busy by rolling the sleeves of his button-up over his forearms. “You said you didn’t remember it!”

“I told you I loved you!” Van’s clearly embarrassed, his cheeks burning pink. “And I got all soppy about being apart on my birthday!”

“I said I loved you back!” You shout in complete disbelief. “We both admitted we loved each other and you didn’t think anything of it?”

“I was drunk! I thought you were taking pity on me! Give me a break!”

Oh God, he was impossible. You open your mouth to ridicule him further, but instead you step toward him again, cupping his jaw and bringing your lips together. There’s no sense in arguing about it anymore. Clearly you’d both been oblivious, but what did it matter now that everything had worked out?

Well, technically, you had no idea what the road ahead would bring for you two. But you’ve made it this far, right? Seven months of navigating these unspoken rules between you two, it feels like things can only get easier now that they’re dissolving right before your eyes. You kiss Van harder, and when your lips open for him it feels like all of the possibilities opening up before you: Van was your fucking boyfriend now.

In the thrill of your realization you reach for his belt buckle, struggling to undo it while you’re distracted by the kiss. 

After fussing with it for longer than normal you feel the warm press of Van’s lips being pulled away, his hands coming to wrap around yours.

“You’re shaking like a leaf,” He remarks in amusement, brushing your hands aside and undoing his own belt. 

“Because I love you,” You confess, your voice barely above a whisper.

“I love you too,” Van chuckles, giving you another quick kiss. “Whew, how much did you have? I feel like I took a shot just fucking kissing ya.”

“It doesn’t matter,” You tell him bluntly. “Help me out of this dress.”

Van knows you’re right because he obliges, tossing your jean jacket in the vicinity of the couch before helping you undo the zipper that runs down your back. Soon your dress has fallen around your ankles, tripping you up as you step out of the puddle of fabric on your heels.

Van’s hands reach out, steadying you. “Christ,” He laughs, guiding you to the couch. “Need help getting those heels off?”

“Please,” You sigh, flopping down on the couch in your bra and underwear, extending your legs out towards Van, who gets down on his knees to be of assistance. His fingers easily undo the straps around your ankles, releasing your feet from the hazard of your heels in no time. 

His fingers tuck into the waistband of your underwear next, tugging them down your thighs and depositing them on the ground before his head’s between your legs.

You sigh happily, slumping against the cushions as you pet his hair. You can’t remember the last time you were as content as you were right now; having drunk sex with your boyfriend, the person you loved and trusted most in the world. 

Your entire body feels like a warm puddle of endless summers and pleasure, but suddenly a thought pierces through the fog in your brain, and you shoot upright in your seat so fast that Van pulls away in concern.

“I have to text Mary!” You remember. Your eyes search around wildly for your bag, and you can feel the air passing between your legs without Van’s mouth keeping you warm.

Van wipes his chin, making to stand up. “Well, text her,” He says, gesturing towards the bedroom door. “Then come meet me in bed.”

You stumble up from the couch, crossing the living room naked and heading into the bathroom, where you’d left your purse.

Hello???? Mary’s sent. Did you get home safe????? Are you okay?!?

Home safe, You send back. Sorry, Van showed up unexpectedly and we talked. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow!

As soon as you’ve sent it you see the typing indicator pop up. You decide to respond to one last message before catching up to Van so you two can resume your first official romp as a couple.

If you tell me you two are done I’m gonna kill you.

At her words, you grin. 

Haha nope. We both realized we’re in love with each other and we’re official now. It’s a long story. 

\\

[iheardarumorxxx]

Midnight Sun, Chapter 7 - Melody

Surprise bonus chapter tonight. Normally I do two a day, but I had extra coffee today so I’m ready to go, let’s recap this trash.

Aaaaand we start with Weirdo brooding in the car and sniffing up all the Bella smell in it. Thanks, I hate it. 

And do you wanna know what our favorite little Pire is brooding about in the car while he waits for his siblings to finish up their last class of the day? He’s sitting in the car, wondering if Bella thinks he’s pretty. I wish I was kidding, but no, this man is literally sitting there, wondering if Bella is attracted to him because when she is around him her heart rate and breathing picks up and she blushes. Oh, but rest assured, Bella would never have the same impure thoughts that Gross Jessica Stanley had about Edward. 

Leave Jessica alone.

Also, Eddie? Bullshit. As someone who lived in your girlfriend’s head for 4 books, I can absolutely tell you that she has all kinds of impure thoughts about your marble adonis self, and she should probably be confessing to a priest because of them. 

Anyway, Eddie thinks some impure thoughts of his own (yay double standards) and gets a boner in the car. He gets very flowery and harlequinn with his little fantasy about Bella, to the point where, had this not been SM’s writing, I would have not been surprised to read the phrase ‘heaving bosom’. It’s G rated sex at its finest, guys. Be grateful that you didn’t have to read it (unless you did, in which case, I applaud you.)

I had no memories of another kind of yearning.

Just say ‘I never got a boner before Bella’ and be done with it, Eddie. Also now is the time to make your 109 year old virgin jokes, if you’re so inclined. I personally believe that it is perfectly fine if Eddie never felt sexual attraction before Bella, nor would it be a problem if he never felt sexual attraction at all. Ace people do exist. What bothers me is that this is framed in a way that is basically saying ‘You’ll feel the wiggles down there when the right person comes along’ and absolutely ignores the fact that sometimes, people never feel those kinds of attractions. Also, if you do feel those kinds of attractions but its not toward your pure and true love, you’re gross and awful like Gross Jessica Stanley.

The rest of the Cullen brood show up, and of course because Bella is so Special and Wonderful, even Jas and Emmett think she smells delicious, though, not nearly as delicious as Ed does because he’s the Most Special Cullen. Rose is mad and Alice just does as she was instructed to do by her magic future sight. Eddie is put out that he can’t spy on his lady love through her thoughts when they get to her place because he can’t stand not knowing where she is and what she’s doing at all times.

The Cullens go home and start doing various boring things. Chess, computer, TV. Rose is still pissed about the Bella thing and honestly? She has ever right to be. This puts her in danger, her and her family. It puts her husband in danger. She has every right to be mad and SM trying to frame her as bitchy and over-reacting does nothing to make me think that she is.

And Eddie. Oh Eddie. He’s playing the piano. We all know that he’s writing that stupid lullaby for Bella, and Esme is just so happy that her sweet precious baby is playing music again that she has to immediately appear and start fawning over him. Listen, I think that playing piano is a very impressive skill. It takes talent to learn and master. But treating Eddie’s little song like the next mozart piece is just stupid and I hate how everything they do is just consider the BEST THING EVER.

Alice singing along just. Boo. Go away. This was already bad enough as it was, don’t make it worse.

You are the best and the brightest of us all.

Just come out and fucking say it Esme. Or rather, just come out and fucking say it SM. It’s obvious that SM thinks her little avatars are the best and most special things to ever exist. She genuinely thinks that she’s created something to parallel the greatest lit of all time, and that her Eddie is akin to Mr. Darcy. Edward Cullen is not a good character. And he is not an interesting character. And that’s that.

God, there is an entire little section here just shitting on Rosalie. Rosalie is vain and petty. She only cares about her looks. Her whole life she was only looked at because she was pretty and it made her shallow and care only about appearance. Etc etc. Ignore the fact that Rosalie is clearly smart enough to maintain a 4.0 with the rest of her siblings, that she is skill with cars, that she does, in fact, have interests and hobbies outside of traditionally fem ones. She’s just a dumb, vain, shallow girl.

Fuck you, Eddie.

I am of the firm belief that one should never force their own beliefs on others. Never be afraid to express what you believe in, but never tell someone else they’re wrong because their beliefs are different. There are a few exceptions. One is Trump. That man is a danger and needs to be stopped. Period full stop. The other one? Alice mentions that their normal vamp friends are coming and they hunt the normal way. The Cullens have no problem with this and, in fact, just let them hunt nearby. In BD they actually loan out cars to the vamps to help them get away to hunt. The Cullens don’t eat humans, great, but they sure do aide and abet their friends that do. Murder is fucking wrong, even if to these stupid Pires, it is just a lifestyle choice.

Eddie and Emmett are hunting, some real bro bonding time. I wish that was what it was, honestly. I am aware that the Cullens are not actually related, but the have been together for a long time, and clearly have a family dynamic in place. It sure would be nice to see them attempting to act like siblings. To talk to one another, to bond, anything. But that would take time away from Eddie obsessing over his one twu wuv, Bella, so. Can’t have that.

You know what, Emmett is genuinely trying to be nice and understanding to Eddie’s pain and worry. Its actually really sweet to see it. Of course, Eddie is a grade A dick, and does not care about the effort his brother is putting in for him.

 God, and Eddie is crawling into Bella’s window again. I really, really hate that, you know. Like, it’s one thing for the fucker to be obsessive and stalk her when she’s awake, but like... let her sleep dude. Just because you never have to sleep ever doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want when other people are sleeping. Also, what was your plan gonna be if Bella had insomnia, or if she woke up for some reason in the night and you were just there? Of course, she would never catch you, for you are so wise and brilliant and shit. But like. Dude. Seriously.

So after he spends a few hours staring at Bella while she sleeps, he’s off, and goes out into the woods to follow her scent trail. Bella always compared Mike to a dog, but... idk Mike never pulled that shit. He just really feels the need to tell us that he wants to know literally everything that Bella does ever. It’s weird and creepy, dude. Just chill out. 

And this chapter just kinda... fizzles out. Like, it doesn’t conclude so much as it just... ends. Kind of abruptly. And this chapter was just... boring. Like, the ones before this were bad, but they were at least bad with some flavor. This chapter was like a stale triscut. 

Hope you enjoyed! As always, drop me a message or a DM if you wanna chat about this book or recommend one for my next recap series. You can buy me a snack using the CashApp tag in my bio! Love you all, thanks for reading!

[jeffxwittek]

Love At First Beer | Todd X Reader

A/N: This is my first Todd imagine and I hope you guys like it...idk what else to say besides let me know what you think!! Request: being friends w natalie and she introduces you to the vlog squad at coachella and you end up hooking up w todd -anonymous Summary: You meet Todd during Coachella weekend and the two of you hit it off. Warnings: drinking, sex (implied)

—————

You feel like you’ve been driving forever as you pull up to the house the rest of Natalie’s friends were staying at. You had known Natalie for a while, yet never had a chance to meet her friends. She thought Coachella weekend would be a perfect time for everyone to meet you. You reluctantly agreed and now you’re finding yourself nervously shaking while getting out of your car. You send Natalie a quick just parked text and make your way to the front door.

Before you have a chance to knock, Natalie swings the door open. “Y/N! You’re here!” She has a beer in hand, a sight you don’t usually see.

“Hey, Nat! Sorry I’m late. Work was a bitch with letting me leave early.” You step into the house and throw your bag into the corner.

“C’mon. Let me introduce you to everyone!” Natalie grabs your hand and drags you through the house to the backyard where people are jumping into the pool, running with water guns, and playing beer pong. Not the surrounding you usually see Natalie in. She’s always calm and reserved when you two are together.

She takes you over to the lawn where you see a shaggy haired boy in all black, camera in hand, filming two other guys chugging Coronas. “This is David, Todd, and Zane.”

“Hey. I’m Y/N.” You say as David turns around and points the camera in your face.

“Hi! Wanna join?” David asks enthusiastically.

“Uh, yeah, sure. Why not.” You grab a beer off the table next to you and pop it open stepping in front of the camera next to the two other boys.

“1, 2, 3, GO!” David yells as you all start chugging the beers as fast as possible.

You’re the first to finish and drop your bottle to the grass and look over to the others finishing up the last of their beers.

Zane looks at you with shocked eyes. “Woah! How’d you do that? I’m supposed to be the beer champ.”

“Beginners luck?” You shrug your shoulders as Todd flips his hair and makes eye contact with you for the first time. Maybe it was the fact you just chugged a beer on an empty stomach, spent God knows how long in the car, or it could be that you were just completely in awe of the beauty standing in front of you, but you suddenly became speechless as Todd smiles at you.

“Beginners luck looks good on you,” Todd says reaching his hand out to you. “I’m Todd.”

You reach to shake his hand and open your mouth, but no words come out. Natalie jumps behind you putting her hands on your shoulder. “She’s Y/N and she’s just a little shy.”

“DAVE! COME LOOK AT THIS!” You hear someone yell as the boys run off together.

You turn around to Natalie with flushed cheeks. “Oh. My. God. He’s beautiful.” You turn over your shoulder and see Todd leaning against David looking at his camera.

“Todd?” Natalie perks up with a smile. “I knew it!”

“Knew what?!”

“That you would like him!”

“Like him? I don’t know him!” You get slightly defensive. “I just think he’s attractive,” you say calmly.

Natalie rolls her eyes and loops her arm with yours. “Whatever. Let’s just get you another drink.” — A couple hours later a party bus pulls up in front of the house and David calls for everyone to get in. “COME ON GUYS! Jack said SeatGeek has a VIP tent and we need to go!” Camera in hand again, David films everyone climbing into the bus while you’re putting your shoes on and checking you have everything in your bag.

Natalie pops her head through the door. “You coming?”

You look up and give her a half smile. “Be right out.” You pick up your stuff and make your way to the bus and find yourself looking around for a place to sit. You see Natalie is already sitting with Joe and Jason.

“Y/N!” You look over to see Todd with his hand up. “Over here.”

You walk over to Todd and sit down next to him. “Hey.”

“You chugged that beer like a pro earlier by the way. I’ve never seen a girl take back a drink like that.” He says looking at you impressed.

“Thank you for the kudos. I guess going to a party school for college had its perks.” You open your bag. “Speaking of party schools,” you say pulling a flask out. “The one thing I learned from college was to never leave home without one of these.”

“Ah. My kind of girl. May I?” He says gestures towards the flask.

You hand it to him happily. “Go ahead.” You watch him take a sip and laugh when he gags.

“Okay. I did not peg you for a vodka girl at first sight,” he scoffs handing the flask back to you.

“You mean Natalie didn’t tell you I was full of surprises?” You joke putting the flask back in your bag.

“She mentioned looks, brains, and wit but seemed to have left that small detail,” he jokes.

You can’t help but blush over his comment and look over to Natalie who is smiling at the two of you connecting. You two talk for the rest of the the ride not realizing that you’ve pulled up to the venue.

You suddenly see a hand come and smack Todd against the head. “What the fuck, Scott?” Todd touches the side of his head. “I was having a conversation.”

“Let’s go liquor up,” Scott says walking off the bus.“I guess we’ll finish this later?” Todd asks.

“Sounds like a plan,” you smile at him getting off the bus to find Natalie and tell her about talking with Todd. “Girl. Why didn’t you tell me about him sooner? He’s amazing!”

“Todd? Amazing? Yea, he’s good looking. But amazing? Might be a stretch,” Natalie laughs.

“No, Nat. He’s smart and funny and he even laughed at my lame jokes that you don’t even laugh at. Like genuinely laughed at them.”

“Even you’re whale joke?”

“Yes. Even my whale joke.” You roll your eyes. “Let’s just go to the tent.” — Later in the tent you’re walking by yourself and see Todd talking with David, Jeff, and Jason. You stop and sit quietly at a nearby table and listen in on if he says anything about you while you pretend to be on your phone.

“Guys, really. She even has this little toy whale in her bag and has this bit where she pretends to to look for something and then pulls it out and says ‘whale, whale, what do we have here?’” He laughs at the thought of the bit you did earlier on the party bus.

Jeff hits him on the arm. “C’mon, dude. You’re saying all this over a toy whale?”

“Give it a rest, Jeff. Todd’s in loooooooove,” David mocks Todd.

“Oh shut up, losers. I’m not in love. She’s just kind of cool,” Todd says pushing his friends playfully.

You can’t help but blush to yourself as you listen in on their conversation.

Hours pass and you find yourself alone again sitting on a bench outside the tent hoping you magically find cell service. You see someone sit beside you and look up to see Todd holding two beers. “Two beers?” You question. “Someone is getting alcohol happy.”

He hands one to you. “Ones for you. Thought you could use a refreshment.”

“Thank you, Todd.” You grab the beer from his hand. “Cheers.”

“Cheers to what?”

“To—,” you think for a moment. “New friends.”

“To new friends,” Todd repeats as you clink bottles and start drinking. — Drinks later, you find yourself stumbling back into the rental house with your arms wrapped around Todd. You can’t remember seeing anyone perform at the festival, but you remember a lot of drinks and little food being put into your body. Todd walks you down the hall into his bedroom and lays you down on the bed.

“You wanna sleep in here tonight, Y/N?” He asks helping you take your shoes off.

You prop up leaning back on your arms and look at him through glossy alcohol eyes. “If you want me to.”

He sits down next to you on the bed and pushes some hair behind your ear. “I’d like that. We can talk more.”

It’s silent for a couple seconds before your drunken thoughts become vocal. “Kiss me.”

“What?” Todd looks taken aback by those words.

“Kiss me.” You sit up straighter. “We’ve been hanging out and talking all day. We wouldn’t have done that if there wasn’t some connection here.” You shrug your shoulders. “I may be drunk, but I’m not so drunk that I’m blind to what’s happening here. Even Natalie caught onto something on the bus earlier. If I’m wrong then tell me so I can leave and not waste my—”

Todd’s lips crash into yours mid-rant and you can taste the mixture of beer, tequila, and the vodka from your flask mix together in passionate kiss.

Todd pulls away and whispers, “Wanna know a secret?”

“Sure.”

“I wasn’t going to come this weekend, but Natalie told me that you were coming and showed me a picture. I knew I had to meet you.”

“Well, I’m glad you decided to come.” You lean in to give Todd another kiss and he wraps his hands around your waist pulling you close to him.

“I’m glad I came too.” He kisses your neck and you let out a light sigh. “Oh, you like neck kisses?”

“I mean, I don’t hate them,” you joke.

“Then, what about this?” He starts kissing your jaw and makes his way down your neck to your collar bone.

You let out a laugh and pull away. “As much as I do enjoy that, I can’t. Natalie obviously wanted us to meet, but I don’t think she wants this to happen.”

“Look,” Todd sighs and let’s go of you. “Y/N. If you really don’t want to do this, that’s fine. But please don’t let Natalie be the person to stop you from doing something. Like you said, she wanted us to meet. She’s probably expecting this to happen.”

You roll your eyes knowing that Todd is right. “Fine. Let’s do this.” You pull your shirt off and look at Todd’s shocked face. “What? You wanted to do this.”

“I just—,” Todd rubs his eyes. “You’re beautiful, Y/N. From the moment I saw a picture I’ve thought so and now you’re here.”

“You’re right. I am here. So let’s get to know each other more.” You move to sit on his lap and start kissing him. He moves back on the bed and lays down pulling you on top of him. You tug his shirt off and he does the same with your skirt. Soon enough clothes are strewn around the room and you and Todd are laying in bed both staring at the ceiling.

“Wow,” is the only word that has come out of Todd’s mouth.

“Good wow or bad wow?” you turn your head to look at him.

“Great wow. An amazing wow,” he says looking at you.

You let out a laugh and crawl out of the bed to go check your phone to see if you have a text from Natalie.

Girl! We can all hear you!

You turn to look at Todd. “Well, I guess they know what we just did.”

Todd grabs the pillow from behind his head and holds it over his face. “Fuck. They’re gonna mock me for the rest of the weekend.”

You jump back onto the bed and pull the pillow away from Todd. “That’s okay. Natalie will mock me too.” You give Todd a kiss and grab his hand pulling him up. “Now let’s get out there and deal with the mockery together. Deal?”

Todd sighs and looks at you with bright eyes. “Fine. Deal.” He points a finger at you. “But if Natalie doesn’t make fun of you I’m coming back in here to hide.”

You laugh and get up to grab the clothes from around the room throwing Todd’s at him. “Fine. But that’s the only reason you’re coming back in here. Let’s go!”

[songofadaydream]

my real-time thoughts on rocketman the 4th time I’ve seen it in total and 2nd time this week, let’s go bois *very long post warning*

fair warning I just finished jojo rabbit less than an hour ago and it was way more emotional than I expected, so she’s probably going to be an emotional wreck tonight ladies!! :)) also, I will be pausing the movie throughout! just wanted to let you know

starting the night out right with some lay’s salt and vinegar chips and a lush face mask

not even a part of the movie but when the studio logos come on a version of goodbye yellow brick road and just *french kiss*

it’s starting and I am here for it!!

taron comes looking like an icon and a snack. actually, a whole meal. the heart glasses omggg

“how long’s this gonna take.” “that’s really up to you.”

i never noticed this before but taron stares right into the camera as he introduces himself

“my name is elton hercules john. and I’m an alcoholic. and a cocaine addict. and a sex addict. and a bulimic. i’m also a shopaholic who was problems with weed, prescription drugs, and anger management.”

“well my dealer was out of town I thought this seemed like a good alternative,”

“and I wanted to get better.”

um the transition into the full on musical number of the bitch is back.

this tiny little child actor playing elton saying bitch 10 million times. props to his parents for letting him do that.

um also his riffs??

just the way his mom says, “love to.”

god his dad is a DOUCHE

“when are you going to hug me”🥺🥺

the flashlight conducting scene!! they’re playing rocketman and it’s so beautiful and cute!! whe lil reggie/elton gets on the mini piano oh my god

when he looks at his mom’s fashion magazines...gay fashion icon beginnings...

*looks up* “can we go home,”

he starts playing his teacher’s song and she’s just like 😦😦

idk if this is an unpopular opinion but I don’t really like the I want love scene. I just don’t really like the switching of singer, the arrangement, and tempo. just my opinion though :/ also that’s the only weak scene of this movie I think

elton’s grandmother appreciation post send tweet

that last I want love though.

when his mom is clearly getting it on in a car and her date is like, “I’m..,,..a friend of.,.,,..your mum’s,.,,”

his dad leaves. heartbreaking!

when he wipes the tear away...

“i discovered records. and rock and roll :)”

playing classical music with an elvis presley haircut is an aesthetic no I don’t take criticism

“excuse me. you can’t put that there,” “why not,” “it’ll get knocked off.”

when he transforms into teenage elton and an amazing musical/dance number starts

that face taron makes when the door shuts on the car

“it’s not just your name. you gotta kill the person you were born to be in order to become the person you wanna be.”

that kiss with one of the band members is so hot.

peeing in a bottle in disgusting I’m sorry.

“what’d you say your name was again?” “elton.” “elton. elton what.” “john. elton john.”

ray is cute af. also the transcendental moment when he hands elton the envelope with bernie’s lyrics in it.

“one frothy coffee, no froth.”

jamie is so cute what the heckkkk

singing streets of loredo in a cafe is so wholesome and adorable

holy sHIT BORDER SONG IS STARTING

bernie and elton are literally so cute together as friends omg

also completely digging these like early 70s silk scarf things.

“yeah I could just take those songs and leave if you like,”

“what about the fact that you’re a f*g...your little friend here...is a homosexual.”

bernie not caring whether or not elton is is gay is Peak Pure ™

“oH fUcK”

when they stumble home drunk. the cuteness I can’t.

“you are a ssshhHHITT hot piano player, you have an aMAZING voice, and I’m telling you there is something special that happens...when you sing our songs.”

the way the two handle elton’s leaning in for a kiss is SO GOOD and I could write an entire essay on it. “we became inseparable after that. the brother I never had.”

“anyway I took his advice. told arabella. she took it quite well actually,” *cut to her throwing his piano out the window* “sHe KiLlEd mY pIaNo”

your song and everything about that scene is perfection. that’s all I have to say.

“you can’t just sPRING the troubadour on me.”

“put on a great

fucking

show. and just don’t kill yourself with drugs?”

amoreena is so good how didn’t I realize this until now!

doug flirting w/bernie kills me every time.

“ooh dude. what the hell’re you wearing?”

“my stage gear.”

*bernie stumbles in drunk* “reggie! reggie reggie. neil diamond is at the bar he’s talkin to leon russell and half the fuckin beach boys eh??”

“jesus sHIT bernie,”

that little, “well come on then,” after being yelled by bernie & ray

“please welcome all the way from london, england...”

ELTON JOHN

when he starts singing it’s like the smoothest molasses ever and I am HERE for it.

there’s an interview where taron says, and I quote, “those dungarees made my ass look massive” wholeheartedly agree my guy. but in best way possible

when they start floating

elton’s jacket and the magic that is the entirety of tiny dancer <3 <3

there’s a whole ass bed in a tipi?? what the hell

“so you like the songs then?” “not quite as much as the singer,” OH SHIT THE GAY TENSION

“there are moments in a rockstar’s life that defines who he is...and it’s going to be a wild ride,”

it’s a weird scene to like but I really love the take me to the pilot love scene. the song is so good and perfect for that moment, and they seem genuinely attracted to each other (even though john ends up being a huge dick later)

the way he takes the glasses off

the lil race to get their pants off is weird but it works

elton just seems so happy and content at the end and it’s so refreshing.

when he gets the shoes and the glasses <3

he looks so happy and fulfilled my little boy

why is it so cute when he and Kiki record don’t go breaking my heart

elton stops it the SECOND he sees John oh my goddd

kiki’s little “ough” when she sees john

“elton what’s going on are we going again or should we go for a pint,” *sees john walk into the closet* “yeah no yeah you should go for a pint”

HONKY CAT IS ONE OF IF NOT THE BEST SCENES/SONGS IN THE ENTIRE FILM THERE I SAID IT

cocaine induced head butt of a soccer ball is iconic

why did they have to get rid of rayyyy

the, “best of luck to you elton,” is so bitter yet genuinely well-wishing??

“welp...that was *absolutely* horrible,” is such a mood

the scene where he goes to come out to his dad is so incredibly heartbreaking, especially when it cuts to him in rehab.

taron deserves an oscar just for throwing that chair alone.

“what have you got to do the get a fucking drink around here, eh?” and then he takes a swig from a bottle in the car with john

when he calls his mom to come out. that shit hurts.

“i just hope you realize you’re choosing a life of being alone forever...you’ll never be loved properly.” he opens his mouth. it’s so awful guys. and then he fucking gets punched by john what an absolute dick.

“real love’s hard to come by. so you find a way to cope without it.”

the scene that comes right after that when he’s getting ready for his show and snorts cocaine and takes a swig of a drink really shows how far off the deep end he had gone. it’s heartbreaking, really.

“PEOPLE DON’T PAY TO SEE rEgInALd dWiGhT THEY PAY TO SEE ELTON JOHN. DON’T EVER TELL ME HOW TO DO MY FUCKING JOB.” “WRITE THE FUCKING LYRICS, BERNIE. LET ME DEAL WITH THE REST,” “i’m sorry,” “i know.”

that headdress tho

ok but pinball wizard absolutely slaps and so does the montage with all of his changing outfits

oh my god the drag queen in his room though

NONONONO JOHN IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE FUCKING CHEATING ON HIM IT IS NOT OKAY.

what an inconvenient time for his mom to waltz in

“and what a shy little boy you were! look at you now.”

“mum you’re ON my GOWN,”

i wish i were as cool as bernie getting out of that car and coming inside

“yEaGhHhH...go get a lil drink. yehyeh,”

get ready for one of the most impactful scenes of 2019 if not the 2010s ladies

“FOR MY NEXT TRICK i’m gonna fucking kill myself.”

again, I could write an entire essay on this but the fact that he is literally hitting rock bottom with his childhood self down there is so impactful and powerful and one of the greatest artistic choices they made in this film. also the cinematography is gorgeous.

and oh, by the way, taron actually performed this underwater. no cgi or special effects. where is his oscar.

john is a dick to him on the stretcher but bernie looks so genuinely concerned for his friend and I love that.

it is absolutely gut wrenching when they pump his stomach.

THE CINEMATOGRAPHY AND ANGLES AND SILHOUETTES WHEN IT GETS TO THE BIG CHORUS PART IS SO SO SO INCREDIBLY GOOD AND AMAZING AND I WILL NEVER, EVER GET OVER IT.

the nurses getting him ready for what was probably his biggest/most iconic performance to date is something so incredible, and such a great choice cinematically, story wise, and really emotion wise too. he was at his absolute rock bottom and did one of if not the most iconic performance a little over 24hrs later, and I think this little part really helps to illustrate that.

taron actually hit that baseball and I’m so proud of him for it.

the liftoff is so great. and then it cuts to him in a plane with smoke on his head which just. ugh.

hot take: elton’s addiction wouldn’t have gotten so bad if he had just gone to bernie’s fucking ranch with him

THE QUEEN OUTFIT IS SO ICONIC IM SORRY

also if this movie doesn’t win the goddamn best costume design I swear to god.

YES BENNIE AND THE JETSSSSS

this is also such a great scene as well omg.

when he flashbacks to his childhood and difficult and also great moments in his life during this sequence. that hit hard.

i feel like no one talks about taron’s arms enough? they as thiccc as his thighs why y’all sleeping on them

“You signed a contract with me years ago, so I’ll still be collecting my 20% long after you’ve killed yourself.” that’s cold as hell.

when he throws that glass at the door. and then victim of love starts playing straight afterwards UGH dexter fletcher you need to STOP and CALM DOWN

listen I don’t know elton was thinking and/or feeling in terms of life and his sexuality when he decided to marry renata but can we talk about his wedding outfit?? wtffff it’s so gay and if you don’t see it you’re blind.

the look his mom gives him I’m DEAD

they literally had separate rooms this was not a normal marriage. the breakfast scene is so sad though.

“did being married make you happy?” “not really, I’m gay.” hands down one of the most iconic lines in the entire movie.

why does he have sperm on this firework suit coat.

“you know I am so sick of running away from who I am.”

the way his voice wavers and cracks is not okay. and neither is his mom twisting everything around so that she’s made out to be the victim. and don’t cry in the bathroom elton please buddy. you’ll be okay.

“campaign to kill yourself is going well, eh?”

“when did you give up? if you don’t care about yourself how can you expect anyone else to...it’s not weak to ask for help.”

goodbye yellow brick road is such a beautiful song and scene and why didn’t we get Jamie to sing more I mean come on he does so incredibly well in this scene.

also I didn’t really realize that they flipped a few verses around for the movie. and elton yelling and screaming at bernie as he leaves is so powerful.

elton yelling at himself.

this is also when he has a heart attack?? chest infection?? I don’t really know but he falls down the stairs and Mr. Dick Manager John makes him continue to perform.

and there he is in the first scene’s costume. singing the rest of yellow brick road.

and there he goes. off to rehab. a full circle moment. good for him for finally taking control of his life and addictions.

“yeah but I started acting like a c*nt in 1975. I just forgot to stop.”

“maybe I should’ve tried to be more ordinary.” his grandmother walks in. “he was never ordinary.” my. heart. can. not. take. this.

this next scene where he talks to everyone in his mind is incredibly powerful and I will shout it from the rooftops until the end of time.

“my problem is that I believed you loved me. and you’re incapable of it.” the SHADE

“actually I think I’m okay with strange.”

BERNIE COMES IN MY LOVE

“bernie...I never told you how much I need you.” shit fam here comes the waterworks

“you just need to remember who you are. and be okay with it.”

and then his childhood self comes in. “I haven’t been reggie Dwight for years.” “when are you going to hug me.” he engulfs his young self in a hug. this is one of the best moments of the film and I am now full on crying.

I can’t get over how wholesome bernie’s visit is with Elton. the sweetest thing ever.

“you’re not scared you’re not good without it, you’re scared to feel again...this is the part you gotta do on your own. these...need music”

“thank you bernie.” “you’re my brother.” <3

and then he finally sits down to write again. and it’s pure magic.

I’m still standing is a a feat of what he’s been through the entire movie. finally, he’s sober, he’s accepting of himself/his sexuality, and is getting to a better place. plus, it mirrors the original music video, and is everything I’ve ever needed and more. *the* perfect scene and song to end upon.

he’s so happy at the end. and then the epilogue starts and says he’s been sober for 28 years and counting, set up an aids charity, still writes with bernie, met his husband David 25 years ago and is finally loved properly (rip my heart out of my chest, why don’t you), has two sons and is retiring from touring. and and the I’m gonna love me again plays with him and taron and it’s just such a perfect song to end, and I can’t.

so. those are my thought while watching rocketman for the 4th time in total, 2nd time this week. sorry that’s it’s so long. I just love this film so much. anyways, it’s almost 2am and I’m an emotional wreck. I’m gonna go cry and go to bed now. thanks for making it this far. :) <3

[pinkglitteringdemondildos]

Honestly I'm still real big mad about this whole thing but I'm trying to like. Not be. I keep telling myself "you don't have to forgive them but it's better that you forget them". Cuz honestly it is. I have no idea how I'm going to spend another month living with people who don't respect me at all and only care about each other.

In hindsight, I should have known this is how it was gonna play out and I kind of expected it but I didn't think it would happen this fast and that they would openly just. Do what they did. My dad actually wants me to take them to small claims court to get my wasted money back. And speaking from the heart at this moment, I fucking would. But I know in the long run that it wouldn't do anything except force me to see them more than I want to and that would just make me angrier.

So idk! Maybe I'll post what exactly is going on sometime so that y'all understand why I've been making so many emotional posts lately but I really don't have the heart to do it right now. I lost two of the last irl people in my life in less than a week and learned that they didn't even care as much about me as I did about them and, frankly, it kinda crushed me. I feel betrayed and used and ignored and just. I feel awful. And the worst part is knowing that I will NEVER recieve an apology. Ever. Not for the money they lost me. Not for the shitty behavior and toxicity. Not for the shit they put me through. Well, I'll get an apology from one of them but not the one who should actually be apologizing. I mean, not to be entitled but in this situation I really think I deserve an apology from both of them (this is probably the only situation where I don't entirely blame myself, so you know it's bad). One of which feels half hearted and forced and one I'll never get. So it really is better for me to move on and forget I ever spent time with these people. They hurt me so much that I don't even want to bother to remember the few genuine good times we had. I just wish I had never met them. I wish I had gone to different high school. I wish I hadn't reconnected with one of them in college. And I wish that after our first fight I just left them both and never fucking looked back. I wish I never told them anything about myself. This is gonna sound REALLY cliche but through this experience I learned who my real friends are. The ones who let me rant and cry to them and didn't say "I told you so" (I'm pretty sure one of them wants to tell me that really fucking badly lmao) but instead tried their best to console me and promised me that they'd come down or give me a place to sleep for a while if things really went sour (which they did, and they are still going). I'm not gonna lie and say this didn't fuck up my already existent trust issues that I have regarding friendships but it sure made some of the bonds I had with other people stronger. And it showed me who to really appreciate.

Now, at this point I'm not really sure about the future. I know that I am moving out as soon as possible. I'm learning how to break the lease tomorrow, so hopefully it won't be too much. If I can't find another roommate situation, I'll be moving back in with my father and his girlfriend, and as shitty as that sounds, it's actually a relief from the literal hell this has become. Hopefully from there I'll be able to get back on my feet and find out what to do with my life. That's being positive. To be honest, the urge to commit suicide is still there because I frankly don't even know where to start rebuilding my life. It seems like I'll never have what I want at this point and that that's the best way out. But, being 50/50 is a lot better than the 99 killing myself/1 not killing myself stage I was in earlier. I still don't know if I'm going to a hospital, most likely not because of the cost, but it's on the table.

I know that as for my situation for the next month, I know I'm going to be very lonely. They only really care about each other and are only going to spend time with each other while I'm stuck in my room with not much to do. I'm no longer looking for a job here since I will definitely NOT be staying in this place and am going to move at least 30-45 minutes away so I'm going to be pretty much doing nothing for a month. So, my mood will probably go farther down because I don't really handle isolation that well and I don't see a way to avoid it. So looking into the future, I see myself being pretty miserable for the next 30 days. Not much I can do about it. I might couch surf around a few friends to get out of this place but we'll see.

One thing I have ultimately decided is that I will be cutting all contact with both of them once I am moved out. For one of them, this was an extremely easy choice. This is not the first time they have treated me this way (though it's the first time it's gone to this extent). Truth be told, my attitude towards them completely changed overnight. I no longer tolerate their toxic behavior, as well as the fact that I don't care about their opinion of me. They can hate me and die mad about it for all I care now. That's what you get when you treat someone shittily enough for such a long time. I'm really sick of their garbage attitude, toxic and entitled behavior, and rude comments. In fact, I'm 100% sure that if I killed myself right now tonight, that they would assume it was because of them and pity themselves for that fact. Now, for the other, it's harder. They didn't do anything with malicious intent, but they still caused me a lot of problems and emotional instability because of their enabling behavior towards the other person. I think they still want to be friends (I'm not sure at this point anymore) but I think it's best for me that I cut all ties with both of them because of their close proximity to each other. Also, I would never be able to openly talk to them or physically see them ever again. So. I don't think it's worth it. An old mutual friend of ours agrees with me that this is the best course of action, and in solidarity with me has also expressed her clear interest in breaking ties with them as well (she was the first person I went to when this happened, as she is the closest thing I have to a best friend). As petty as it sounds, knowing that she would drop them for what they did to me was.....relieving and kind of nice to hear. Of course, I told her to make her own decision based on her experiences. I think she has already made the decision to drop the main roommate who was to blame. And as for the other roommate, I can't say where her opinions totally lie, but I know they are not totally positive. Same as mine. As it turns out, her experiences with the main problematic roommate have also been very, very taxing and not all that good. So I'm glad to hear that I'm not the reason that their friendship is on the decline.

Probably the worst part of this experience is knowing that neither of them will learn from this. One is still going to be stubborn and unfair and the other is still going to enable their partner to the ends of the Earth. Neither will suffer true repercussions. The worst thing they'd have to go through would be losing me as a friend, but as I mentioned earlier, it appears that they didn't really care about me in the end and they will do just fine by themselves. So, ironically, the only one who learned anything was me, and the lesson was "even people you call friends could fuck you over without a second thought." Good lesson, huh?

So I guess that's what's on my mind. I was kinda too angry to sleep but I think writing all of this down has helped me calm down and sort my thoughts. Hopefully, from here on, things get better. I don't know for sure if they will, but let's just say I'm a lot more hopeful than I was before.

[phandomsecretvalentines]

(darling don't be afraid) i will love you

Happy late-vday-early-bday @ryn-exe (can’t tag?)!!! Hope u enjoy, soz if it’s not good but i’m not so amazing(phil)

This is 2.1k words. There’s a bit of dream-violence (not in detail) and a lot of anxiety and fear so if u don’t like that stuff!! Tell me!!!! And i’ll write something else for you, i don’t mind. (You didn’t say anything i wasn’t supposed to write but idk). I’d describe this as hurt/comfort i think lmaooo

Basic summery i wrote fo myself: Dan and Phil, and how they deal with each other’s 3am fears (2009 vs 2018, now)

From a pitch-hitter 💓💓

——

[Saturday; 10.26.09; 03:37]

——

Dan<33 (03:37): phil? :[

Phil (03:45): Yrha

Phil (03:47): Sorry!! Yeah**

Phil (03:47): Why are you up so early/late?? I barely woke up

Dan<33 (03:49): sorry i woke you :/

Dan<33 (03:50): my parents went away for a bit and i’m home alone and i cant turn off the lights cuz im too scared

Dan<33 (03:51): and i can’t sleep so bad even hugging pillow cant help mee :[[

Dan<33 (03:52): so im sitting in the hallway with every light im the house on alone in just my pants

Dan<33 (03:52): and i was a idiot and missed you so i woke you up at so late and now ur gonna hate me crap

Dan<33 (03:52): sorry

Phil (03:53): I’ll never ever hate you dan!!! <<33333333333333

Phil (03:53): I’m sorry ur so scared :[[ I wish I was there to be strong and protect u again

Dan<33 (03:54): i wish you were here too

Phil (03:54): :[ <3

Dan<33 (03:58): CDAP PHIL I THINK I HESRF A GHOST

Dan<33 (03:58): IR MONSTER

Dan<33 (03:58): FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Phil (03:59): Dan oh my gosh are you okay??

Dan<33 (04:00): yeah i think but

Dan<33 (04:00): i heard something phil

Dan<33 (04:01): im scared

Dan<33 (04:02): i can’t believe im 18 and i’m actually sobbing out of fear alone and naked in a hallway over a fucking noise

Dan<33 (04:02): to my boyfriend

Dan<33 (04:02): on skype

Dan<33 (04:03): fuck

Phil (04:03): Dan :[[ i’m so sorry

Dan<33 (04:04): it’s not your fault

Phil (04:04): Want me to call you??? (If u want)

Dan<33 (04:05): can we skype instead?

Dan<33 (04:05): i want to see your face plz <3

Dan<33 (04:05): if thats okay

Phil (04:06): That’s fine! One sec plz :]

——

[Phil would like to add Dan<33 to a call (02:33)]

[Accept] [Decline]

[Accepted]

——

When Dan answered the call, his face was red and puffed and wet. Even through the crap-pixel screen quality, Phil could see that.

“Hey,” Dan’s voice broke.

“Hi,”

Dan was shaking slightly.

His face suddenly flushed, “Oh shit, I forgot – I’m, uh, in only pants. In front of you. Crap.”

“It’s fine, I’ve seen you shirtless before.” Phil smiled what he hoped was reassuringly, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah — I mean, I am now. I guess.”

“Are you cold?”

“Kinda.” Dan admitted.

“Want to go to bed?”

“My room is too dark –”

“Well, I’ll be there, wont I? And I’ll protect you from everything bad in the dark.”

“You’re not really here.”

“Only ever a few hours away. And if worst comes to worst, I have the police line and the monster-killer line. So you’ll be super safe.”

Dan muffled a giggle, “Yeah, okay.”

He shuffled up off the floor, and made his way into his bedroom, clutching the laptop tightly.

“I dunno if I’m getting any sleep tonight, honestly.”

“You will! You can cuddle your pillow and I’ll tell you stories until the demons go away and you can sleep.”

“I’m not five, Phil.” There was no malice in his reply.

“You don’t need to be five for any of that to be true.” Phil said, serious tone.

“Okay,”

Minutes later, Dan was snuggled under his covers; hugging a pillow tightly as he listened to Phil go on about some guy at the market.

“Then, he pulled a hot dog out of his left pocket. Who keeps a single —”

“Phil?” Dan interrupted, his voice was dripping with sleep.

“Mm?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“No.” Phil answered simply.

“I mean – for being so scared of such dumb stuff. Seven-year-olds are braver than me.”

“It’s okay to have fears, Dan. I bet you’re not the only adult with those fears either,”

“I’m scared of the dark. And ghosts and monsters and moths and demons and –”

“– and that’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“And it’s not annoying to deal with? I’m not?”

“You will never be annoying to ‘deal with’; I promise.”

Phil meant it.

——

[Monday; 12.07.09; 02:59]

——

Phil :]]]<333333 (02:59): Dan?

Dan (03:00): yeah??? <3

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:03): I’m scared

Dan (03:04): of what :[[

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:04): I dunno it’s just creaky downstairs and I’m alone for the night I guess

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:04): Nvm

Dan (03:05): no tell me i want to help u

Dan (03:05): plz

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:07): Well it’s just that

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:08): It’s really dark and windy

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:08): And there was a tree snapping against my window I thought our house might’ve blown down

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:09): And I thought i heard thunder which usually isn'tn too bad but right now its scaring me a bit

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): I don’t wanna be alone rn is all

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): But i am brave! So it’ll be okay i think

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:10): Don’t worry about me <33

Dan (03:11): i want to worry :[

Dan (03:11): you don’t always have to be brave <333 ily and i would give you the biggest hug if i were there

Dan (03:12): and tell the trees and thnder to fuck off and let you sleep

Dan (03:12): and then we would sleep all cuddled up togerher like we do sometimes and it would be warm and nice

Dan (03:14): i wish i were there with you

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:15): You will be someday so it’s okay now too :]

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:15): But plz tell the trees and thunder to fuck off it’s very loud :’[[[

Dan (03:16): if u call me i will????

Phil :]]]<333333 (03:17): Lol okay :p

——

[Incoming call from Dan]

[Accepted]

——

“Hi!” Dan really should be quieter; last time he called Phil at three in the morning his dad had yelled at him.

“Hi,” Phil’s sleep-laced voice answered.

A booming crack of thunder, and a whimper.

“Don’t worry – it… won’t hurt you.” Despite everything, Dan was sometimes still quite new to the role of 'comfort’ in their relationship.

“I know, just loud.”

Dan wished he was like Phil. He wished he could just pull out an intresting story, a funny idea.

“Sorry.”

He wasn’t like Phil, though.

“Want to play a game?”

“What game could we possibly play through a phone call?” Dan could practically hear Phil rolling his eyes.

Dan wracked his brain for quick ideas.

“Eye-Spy?”

“We’re… not in the same room Dan.”

“Yeah, true.”

Dan’s room suddenly felt rather empty and uninteresting.

Dan felt empty and uninteresting.

“What do you want me to do?” He finally muttered.

He held his breath.

“I just like hearing your voice, it calms me down. I like when you rant about things you love.”

Let it out.

“Oh. Well – want to hear my never-ending thoughts on WALL-E then?”

“Definitely.”

——

[Sunday; 02.04.18; 04:12]

——

“Phil?”

“Mhm?” He rolled over and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, “What’re you doing up?”

“There was a moth.”

“A moth?”

“Yes!” Dan looked around the room nervously, rolling on his heels, “It’s in the lounge somewhere and I can’t sleep knowing it’s out there — lurking.”

Phil groaned.

“Fucking kill it! Or set it free, I dunno. I just need it gone.”

“You are truly the perfect mix of 'needy child’ and 'angry businessman’, Danny.”

“Fuck off.”

“Mm, lemme get a cup then.”

Phil shoved on his glasses and stumbled out of bed into the kitchen, Dan following closely behind.

“Where was it again?” He asked, grabbing a wine glass from the cupboard.

They hadn’t really drank much alcohol these past few years– since Dan had gone on antidepressents— but they still always kept the glasses, to drink Ribena and seem fancy.

“No! You’ll need a bigger cup, it’s huge.” He whined.

“Okay,” he grabbed another glass, “where is it?”

“In the lounge last I saw.”

“I’ll go look, you get a piece of paper.”

Genuine terror painted over Dan’s face, “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Christ’s sake Dan, it’s a moth, not an armed burglar. I think you’ll live.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. Now, just go a minute.”

He then ventured into the lounge, still half-drowned by sleep, when he heard a shriek.

“Dan?”

“Phil! Fucking help!”

Anyone else might’ve thought Dan was being held at gunpoint from the panicked way he was yelling.

“Coming!”

He went into the hall; Dan was standing there, paralysed with fear, as a giant moth flew circles around him. He had tears threatening to fall.

“Oh dear,”

Phil went over to the closet and grabbed a broom, spent a few go’s waving it around– and almost hitting Dan in the process— before smacking it head on.

“Aw, now I feel bad for killing it,” He whispered.

Dan was on the floor now, shaking, tears stained down his cheeks. He was in only pants.

And Phil was there.

“Well, the moth’s gone now isn’t it?” He crouched down next to Dan, putting his hands gently on his shoulders.

“Mmm,” Dan had his head tucked in his knees.

“Are you okay?”

Silence.

“That’s fine. Want me to make you some tea?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

A few minutes later, in the kitchen, with dried cheeks; “I can’t believe how much of a wimp I am.”

The kettle rang, and Phil took it off the stove carefully.

“No —”

“I know, I know, my therapist told me. 'It’s never weak to have fears’. But I cried over a fucking moth. In our hallway. It’s late and –”

“– and that’s okay.”

“It’s not okay Phil!”

“It’s fine in the moment, that’s what I mean.”

He grabbed a NASA mug, and poured the boiling water in a teapot.

“I must be exhausting.”

Phil dropped in a teabag.

He still remembered. It was a promise made at 4am; a promise over Skype to a more-than-slightly-terrified eighteen year old.

A promise made to a bunch of pixel’s with a name and a face and fear.

A promise his Dan probably didn’t even remember, honestly.

“No, I promised that much.”

“Mhm,”

He poured the tea.

“So, two sugars or three?”

“Two.”

——

[Friday; 02.16.18; 05:12]

——

Dan was on the sofa; snuggled up in blankets and watching the winter Olympics through his small Iphone screen. His eyes were heavy, he yawned.

Their bedroom door squeaked opened.

“Hey,” Phil spoke quietly.

“Up so late?”

“You’re up too.”

“Well — I’m watching the Olympics. You know it’s on late in the UK.”

“Alright.” Phil shuffled into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and leaving the cupboard door wide open.

“Why are you awake?”

“Just another nightmare, s'fine.”

“Then why did you come out here?”

His voice might’ve been read as upset – he was just tired. Half the time Dan honestly didn’t mean to come off so rude.

“Dunno,”

“What was it about?”

“Uh — I think my family was trapped, you included, and I was the only person who could save them. But I had to do something… I think, I had to open a lock to somewhere? But I was too nervous. I saw everyone die; I knew it was my fault. I saw – you know, blood. Not too much. But it’s fine.”

As he spoke, he went over to the sink and got a glass of water, adding iced-cubes; his tone was unnaturally cool and casual.

“But I heard your skull shatter –”

“What the fuck —”

“Sorry! You asked though.”

“No – I mean, that’s horrible. Jesus christ, are you okay?”

Phil shrugged, “It happens, it’s okay though. Just a dream.”

It was only at that moment Dan noticed Phil’s eyes were a little too redded, his words a little bit shaky.

Phil started back to their room.

“Are you going back to sleep?”

“Probably.” His reply was tired.

“Oh – uh, well, why don’t you stay with me and watch the Olympics? I know you’ve never really cared, not your thing, but still I think that —”

“Sure! I’ll stay, yeah.” Phil quickly answered.

“Okay.”

Phil put his glass of water back down on the counter, and walked over to the sofa. Dan opened up his blanket fort and invited Phil in.

“These are the men’s single runs.”

“Mhm,” Phil nuzzled his head into Dan’s neck, which usually would’ve bothered him, but he didn’t mind so much.

A few minutes pass, “So what’s that guy supposed to be doing? I need your commentary; you know.”

I just like hearing your voice, it calms me down.

“Well, that’s the Japanese lead skater, which means —”

[electricbluebutterflies]

easier than echoes

Post-TLJ-ish Damerey hurt/comfort smut. Idk how to describe this but it is a Thing. NSFW and also on ao3.

The nightmares just keep getting worse.

Ever since… ever since the thing he does not want to put into words, his mind hasn't been safe. Supposedly that's a normal trauma thing, or at least as normal as anything gets in the aftermath of another person burning their way through your fucking brain, but that's not really reassuring.

Poe is not supposed to have this kind of problem, okay? He's not… he's not victim material, he's pretty sure. He's kind and he's damningly easygoing and he's very good at his job and almost everyone he's ever met adores him and his brain was totally freaking fine before this bullshit happened. And then it did, because apparently nobody's safe from anything anymore, and now it's been a couple weeks and the aftershocks are still there.

He has a couple options, he thinks. He's tried a variety of sleeping meds, including at least one that supposedly isn't safe for humanoids, and no luck. He's tried not sleeping for three days, and that ended with him passing out in the hangar while trying to clean something (he doesn't even remember what) and having a bad one right as someone else walked in (he's blanked out who that was). He's tried exercise, a slight change in diet, and just about everything except for, y'know, actually talking about it.

He's not weak. Really. But damn, he's getting real sick of this.

It's been a couple months now, maybe. Dust is still settling in their latest base, as it's prone to here, and it's another long awful night when Poe gets what might be his weirdest idea yet for dealing with the brain-scars. Which probably ought to have occurred to him a while back, maybe before the more mundane // useless shit he's tried, but better late than never. And yet, awkward, because…

Well…

People-person that he is, effortlessly charming and a little bit in love with the whole damn galaxy, he's a little intimidated by the girl. But on the other hand, from the rumors he heard, she might be the only person he has access to who's been through the same problem, and who knows how well she's dealing.

He wanders down hallways. He knows what room is hers for now, and he's pretty sure that she'll listen for five damn minutes. The girl - Rey, he reminds himself, Rey the desert-planet feral girl who might be salvation someday but at this point in time is mostly just lost and overwhelmed - has been kind enough the few times he's managed to have an actual conversation with her. He thinks, hopes, that will continue.

(Wants, in the back of his mind, to see what else she can do.)

The door opens before he knocks. She hasn't been able to sleep tonight either, from the looks of it - there's a newfound tiredness to her young body, something he hadn't noticed in her before, maybe even more tragic than anything else about her.

"Bad night for you too?" she shrugs, forcing an almost-laugh.

"Thought you might empathize," he replies. Casual. He can do this. He's not asking for much, dammit, just a little sharing of misery or whatever.

She nods. Her hair is loose, too much of it obscuring her face, and on impulse he reaches out and pushes the worst away behind her ear.

The moment his hand touches her skin, something strange and electric comes to life inside him. He doesn't know words for it beyond that it isn't lust or love or anything that cliché. No, this is something else, something-

She flinches back after a couple seconds and locks eyes with him. "That was new."

"Good," he mutters, shaking his head. "I mean-"

"I don't know how this… how anything I am works, really, what I can or can't do, if… if maybe this is part of it or…"

"Or it's the middle of the night, neither of us know how to sleep anymore, and we're freaking out about harmless static because it's easier than anything else around us."

"Or that." She smiles, genuine this time. She's going to be beautiful in a couple years, he can't help thinking - not that she isn't now, but in a decade she's going to blossom into everything she could be and…

He feels himself blush, well aware he's going to have to explain this. Dammit.

"Are you alright?"

Oh, there's gonna be no hiding anything from this woman. Perfect eye contact is both blessing and curse, and the fact that Poe is currently staring a hole into the floor instead might be a little bit of a problem. "Fine. Just… thinking."

"About?"

"Whatever the hell that was, maybe it'd get us through the night." Real fuckin' smooth, but no easy way to proposition her without seeming and feeling like absolute scum and-

"I've heard that's a thing," she shrugs. "Never tried it. Never done much of anything with another person, but… you're kind, I trust you, and if you think our connection might delay the nightmares…"

Rey leans forward and kisses him full on the mouth, and it's pretty obvious she's never done this before but what she lacks in experience she more than makes up for in determination. There's that electric shock again - maybe it's the Force, Poe can't help but think, that'd be his luck to finally feel all the realities of the universe just as he's about to get laid for the first time in just a little too long - but something else too. She tastes like hope, and he's gonna feel awful about this in the morning but right now, again, worth a shot.

"Are you sure you want me to corrupt you?" he breathes.

"I don't think that's what this is," she counters. "This is light. This is good."

How they make it into her bedroom and get the door shut behind him, he has no fuckin' clue. But somehow it happens, and then she's on her back on a thin mattress just waiting and this is probably the worst idea he's ever had, even worse than most of his impulsive battle decisions, and yet it's such a good bad idea and-

"Poe? Something wrong?"

"Don't hate me if this doesn't work," he mutters. "I'm just human, not… whatever you are. I'm not sure if-"

"I don't care. Can't go worse than anything else I've tried. The echo just won't shake and-"

He sits down beside her, pushes her hair out of her face again, and maybe what she actually needs is someone to cuddle with and he can easily be that person too but he'll let her lead. Whatever she wants. Her scars are worse, what he heard, and her before was worse, and all is in her hands.

She senses that somehow and moves to straddle his lap and okay, even if this doesn't actually fix anything, his body is going to enjoy this. She weighs borderline nothing, perched above him, and he'd bet she learns fast and follows instinct in all the right ways. He's seen her fight, and he's pretty sure he heard once that that's a great way to tell what kind of fuck someone will be, and if that's true…

"You're a good distraction," she breathes, feathering kisses on his face as her arms loop around his torso. "This is good."

"Whatever you want, Rey."

She laughs and he feels it echo through his body somehow. "Are you sure you trust me that much?"

"I came here in the middle of the night and figured you'd at least talk to me. So yeah, I think I trust you."

From there, it's a little bit of a blur. There are kisses, the shedding of clothing, scars to trace and unexpected sensitive places to trace with gentle fingers. Poe feels like he's floating, not fully present in his body and yet present enough to appreciate his current circumstances. Rey is… there aren't words for her, at least none he's ever heard. She's an innocent in some ways, yes, but again that fire in her that's made him so damn curious since the moment he first heard of her existence. Her instincts are solid, the way her hands and lips find all the right places of his skin, and-

"Are you absolutely sure?" he asks as he hovers over her.

"Please. Try to make me forget."

He covers her body with his own. That's the only way he can think of to describe it. Being inside her and around her feels amazing, the primal act of their bodies colliding, but all he can focus on is that this is how he can keep her safe.

He's no good with a blaster at close range, never has been, always better in the air away from the actual conflict. He's even worse in a fistfight, learned that from more than enough experiences to know better. He's made too many bad calls to ever be a war hero, at least in the current war (and oh let there not be another in his lifetime, and may that life be long). As a protector, in the standard sense of the word, Poe is borderline useless. And yet this here, holding her close and covering her with kisses and blocking out the world around her? This he can do.

"Breathe," she murmurs, and he is brought back into his body. So close, another few thrusts, and-

"Was that enough?"

"It'll help me sleep."

He moves off of her, moves to stand up but her fingers loop around his wrist and pull him back down.

"Something else wrong?"

"You could stay. If you want. There's enough space."

Normally, he tells himself, normally this would be a bad idea. But hell, his room's a couple hallways away, and it's fucking late, and he's never been able to say no to people who genuinely want him.

"Yeah. I can do that."

[whifferdills]

(iDk if youre taking fic requests still?) but just one to throw on the idea pile: "Clara and the TARDIS"-style multi-Bill smut with some nice foot worship and/or bondage thrown in?

okay so i wrote this without re-reading the prompt and all i remembered was ‘Multi-Bill’ so uhhh kinda fucked it. no porn, no kink, very fluff. if you’re dead-set on filth try again in a bit, you would not be the first person to tell me ‘ummm no that’s not what i asked, try again’, and i do not mind that

anyway

Bill/The TARDIS, Bill&12, ~1.2k words, rated Teen for Implications and Situations but it’s very gen lbr

[alternately on the Ao3]

It wasn’t a fight, really. Barely even a conversation, just one of Moira’s monologues (exhausting under the best of circumstances) that, tonight, included a classic throwaway line about how it’s fine they want to get married, she’s all for gay rights, but do they have to throw it in our faces like that?

Bill entertained a brief fantasy of unleashing a stirring speech entitled “I Am A Lesbian And Fuck You”, before garbling out some stream-of-conscious rebuttal that Moira absorbed not at all. And then commenced to feel completely and utterly awful, now alone in the flat, staring down at her late-night prawn cocktail crisps, vaguely thinking about her Netflix queue.

Maybe a fight would have been better. Like where she could have come out (metaphorically) swinging, something she might have felt obligated to win, instead of letting it…not slide, exactly, but there’s a limit to how aggressive you want to get with the person paying the rent. So. Here she is. And then, without much conscious thought: here she isn’t.

She could call someone, though she won’t, since she’s got friends but not friends like that, where you ring them up at 11 pm cause you can’t stay at home and you’ve got nowhere else. No one she’d impose upon with a ‘hey can I crash on your couch tonight because I feel weird and it’s a whole thing.’ (Would be nice though, wouldn’t it? To be close to someone like that. She thinks about it a lot, and tries not to let the thought choke her too bad, not be too heavy of an emotion. It’s fine. She’s an independent woman.)

Ten minutes into her ‘Just Out For a Walk’ walk, Bill realizes she’s headed towards uni. Specifically towards the Doctor’s office. And as much as she isn’t into the idea of considering an old white man any sort of safe harbour, the ancient git kind of. Is? In a weird, elder-gay, won’t-ask-personal-questions sort of way. So she’s here, on the green facing his office windows.

She pulls out her mobile and debates for about a minute over whether she actually wants to do this, before sending a text.

     U awake?

     7777777777shiaifge 🔥 the eventual heat-death of the universe

Close enough? Close enough.

“You’re normally here in the daytime,” he says, hurriedly sweeping a stack of papers and textbooks off the chair across his desk.

She flops down on the chair, swinging her purse off and resting her feet on the haphazard pile of 1990s Phaidon art books. “Yeah.”

He stares at her, kind of wild-eyed but in that distanced way he has sometimes, like his brain isn’t quite processing the situation in the way a human would.

“Sorry about the text, I made a thing, it responds to the telephone but, ah, there’s some kinks to be worked out.” He points at a toaster on the desk, and then shrugs, and sits down gingerly.

“No worries.”

“So.”

“Yeah.”

One of the benefits to being mentee to incredibly awkward mentor is how their shortcomings reliably make you think better of yourself. Bill lets the moment play out, almost nearly feeling incrementally less awful.

“Is everything okay?”

“No.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

The Doctor exhales, visibly relieved. “So what d'you want, then? School stuff? Chit chat? Maybe go for a ride?”

“Kinda just hoped you’d let me crash here.”

“Uh.”

“Sleep on your sofa,” she elaborates.

“Oh! Yes. Of course. But also - ” He grandly gestures towards the TARDIS, with that face that indicates he’s feeling very clever. “Infinite space. Probably still a couple of bedrooms. Or you could make your own, if you’d like. Also there’s a park, park naps are excellent. Better than the couch, which was marginally comfortable before Nardole engraved his arse groove, and now is…not great.”

There’s acceptable-weird and there’s upsetting-weird, and right now, when what she wants is a warm blanket and maybe a cup of tea, sleeping in the unfathomable eldritch horror of a time-space ship is maybe the latter. But it’s not like she expected anything normal, coming here, and the Doctor looks so genuinely earnest and happy to offer up his TimeBnB, so.

“Right. Okay.” She stands up, grabs her bag off the floor, then pauses. “You coming with?”

“Nah. Got work to do. Calculus.” He nods at the guitar propped up against the bookcase.

“Right,” she says again. She makes a face, and it’s a weird face, she’d been going for a casual sort of 'Life: am I right?“ thing but it feels very much not that. “Thanks.”

“No thanks required. You’re always welcome here. Or in the TARDIS. I think she’s missed you, actually.”

He smiles; he means it. She tries not to let that choke her up too much.

“If you get lost or – whatever, text me. The toaster will probably just load up Doom in response but I’ll get the message eventually.”

This place is odd, odder than usual, here alone. Not in a bad way. From somewhere, nowhere, there’s a happy-sounding warble.

“Hey, you,” Bill says. “The Doctor said I could make a room? For sleeping in?”

The ship chirps in what she hopes is affirmation.

Does she finger the console now? There’s a bit which is definitely just for fingerbanging a sentient spacecraft. She stares at it warily.

The ship chirps again, and then turns the lights on, one by one, down a hallway. Bill shrugs, and follows.

There’s a corridor, which is a forever corridor, branching out into other forever corridors. The lights turn on in front of her, one by one.

Bill sees something out of the corner of her eye, and tries very hard not to be scared. “No one else here but us girls, yeah?”

The ship hums back.

More corridors. She sees something cross the t-junction ahead of her. Someone. Who looks a lot like her. Okay.

“Am I…am I here too? Like future-me? Is this some time-travel paradox thing?”

The ship sort of sighs, like no, like c'mon.

She turns a corner, and there she is. Her clone, future self, robo-duplicate, whatever. She resolutely does not panic. “Hey,” she says, waving.

“Hiya,” other-Bill replies, also waving.

“Are you me?”

“I’m a projection. You’re very pretty. I thought it would be nice to look like you.” The projection waves again.

Bill squints. Who knows why she’d actually thought she could just have a normal sleepover here.

“And I can do more than one,” says another not-Her, projection-clone-robot-thing, springing out from the wall behind her. “We can kiss. Many humans enjoy kissing.”

“Right. Okay. See.” Bill attempts to find her inner Zen. “I just want a good night’s sleep, yeah? Not, uh. Making out with myself, or whatever.”

Not-Bill No. 1 smiles, and takes her hand. Feels weird, like it feels real but not human-real. Like the touch is flickering between flesh and some indefinable buzz. “Come with me? There’s a pillow fort.”

Not-Bill No. 2 takes Bill’s other hand. “We can cuddle.”

Bill lets herself be lead onward. “Yeah, cuddling’s fine. I think. Let you know when we get there.”

She wakes up the next morning in the console room, feeling relatively well-rested. A memory of snuggling up with herself. Weird, good-weird, nice-weird. The ship is bleeping at her cheerfully. She’s got ten unread texts from the Doctor, nine of which are penguin-arse-typed keysmashes and one of which is a video of Doom gameplay. She settles her purse around her shoulders and exits back out into the real world, waving behind her as she goes.

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #1: “"So it's time for me to channel my inner-straight guy!" - Brian

is it time to die already? a fake tribe was taunted, the tribe is split half US half europe so that is going to be a pain, its 1:40am as i write this and in all honestly i just want to sleep and coast till merge. bet that won't be happening tho RIP me and dig me in a grave huh. Oh and I thought I knew the keaton but I didn't lol. I am MESS

It’s really good to be playing a game again. My goal for now is to try and bond with my tribe and hopefully make alliances to keep me in the game. Right now talking to Dennis. He seems really cool, wouldnt mind working with him.

So just from the start i can already tell these players I'm with are easy going for the most part... I over all really like the tribe and can see a very solid chance that I can work with a lot of them if not all! But for the sake of this confessional having value... I'd also like to add that I'm worried that due to the laid back tribe (atm) that I might have a hard time building the connections to get in an alliance without making it due to the fact making an alliance is a very bad idea early on!

Okay so let's just get some thoughts out of the way My tribe is...interesting. I LOVE BRIAN. Well actually I love his boyfriend but still a great foundation from my side to work with him because I know he is a super sweet guy. Dennis is weird. I want to work with Nicole just because I like to work with womana because it brings me closer to God. Everyone else is irrelevant. Absolem is okay. Nathan is hilarious. He better not flop because I want to be best friends. Annabelle is the love of my life. But we did just play an ORG together that got a little messy...so idk how willing to work with me she is. Jayden said things about sports so there is no chance of us being friends. And...everyone else is irrelevant. Madigan: I stan Matt. He had the best intro out of all of us. He's a nut and I love that. I thought I knew who he was...but it turns out he's a different Keaton...and now I'm confused by the popularity of that name...Anyways, BC be still my fucking heart in an ANGEL and I want to be friends. Marie is a star in my ORG community and I always stan her. So I lowkey love this tribe and I wish i was on it. Overall...I'm ready to get this game going.

Okay so i'm normally super good at Selfie Scavenger Hunts...but this one is tough. There are a lot of hard items on here. And because it's Day 1 I don't know if I can rely on anybody on my tribe to pull their weight...guess we'll find out.

Okay I jumped the gun on Dennis. He's not weird. And he seems like he'll be a good tribe member. Not too interested in working with him, but hopefully we win a bunch and that won't matter.

so the cast is cool so far from what i saw a mix of a few faces i recognize and a few i don't which is cool because i play best when i don't know anyone i think so we'll see how this goes hopefully we win immunity and there's nothing to worry about!!

Okay so I really might have judged my tribe too soon. Charlie is a drunken riot. And Maynor seems really chill too. We have a good group. Now let's just hope we're good in challenges.

First impressions: jayden: bad music taste but likes tea kind of hard to talk to but i will get the best of him annabelle: league player?? we stan!! nathan: played once before him dont remember if we were allied but um likes drag race wooh ignored me to go watch it https://66.media.tumblr.com/0640fc1858852ee803cc45252f782259/tumblr_pk6xsgLbtq1szcwcho1_1280.png cole: said "omg ur the cole from skype love ur lipsyncs" they said yes. turns out thats not them. why lie??? nick: seems fun idk

I think my tribe is very cute ! I can already see that a couple of them are big suck ups but I hope I can use that to my advantage. I low key want to go to tribal council but I think the safest thing to do is try our best as a tribe for this first challenge and not seem weak! So I will try my best

So yay Selfie Scavenger Hunt. My favorite... I should be fine if I play a solid social game and dont score too low (right?) Also me and Nick same tribe we runnin this shit.

I like my tribe so far it's the most active tribe I have had by far.  The challenge is pretty good though and I hope we can win it and be safe.

So day 1.  This is... ahh... I'm so nervous for this game!  I have been looking so forward to playing this, but I just feel like it's going to be a rocky upward battle to make it deep... I'm trying to relate and talk to these people, and I feel like I can maybe do it with some of them... but I also know I'm like "WIGGG" and "TEAAA" and "SHJDGJHDGJ" all the time, and I just don't know if this is the tribe to act like that around... I also don't really have anyone to fully confide and trust in.  I do have people like Marie on the other tribe, but I just... ahh....

Ladies and gents, I want you to know that I refuse to go home pre-merge, and I will fight tooth and nail to make it to merge and then day 39... even if it requires me to grow up and act like a real human... I will do my best... I don't wanna let y'all down, but I also don't wanna let myself down.

So like after my antics last night, I feel like I am in a good shape. My intro amused many on my tribe which is good, and they all like me, which is EXTRA good! I feel like im on the cusp of something atm, but i am still wary of course. BC and James are my faves atm, with Marie and keaton also. But Marie, Keaton and john aren't really giving me anything but i am still gonna try. Im here to F****** win (or at least make jury but we shall see about that LOL)

this tribe in a nutshell me: "alright guys! super excited to play some Survivor with you all!! woohoooooo lets do this yeah!!!!!!" BC: "yeah!! I also like to do the surviving!!!" matt: "yeah LMAO" keaton: "..." marie: "..." john: "...okay but have you considered: Skyrim"

idk what's up with this tribe. am I setting my expectations too high? did I do something to piss everyone off?? I just want to play survivor but no one seems to want to engage with me.

BC's the only reason I'm sane atm. he's a sweetheart, we've had a few fun chats already and he seems like good company. we've gotten on the same page and realized that we're probably the two chattiest players on the tribe and should stick together. Matt isn't awful. he's funny, and I can just meme at him most of the time and he seems fine with that. wish I could get a little more out of him though. I'll give Marie a pass because she's been legit busy and hasn't had much of a chance to respond to stuff. from what little I've heard from her she seems nice. apparently she's new to discord survivor just like me, so I might be a little biased in wanting her around. I wanted Keaton to be great - he's a Kirby, I'm a Kirby, so we already had something working for us. but he's not giving me anything to work with. I'll bring something up to talk about and he'll shut it down almost immediately, in a way that makes me worried I'm getting on his nerves or something. idk, maybe our personalities just clash? but atm with Keaton my mood is zzzzzz and then there's John. I get the impression that John just doesn't give a shit. he spent all of the first night playing skyrim and ignoring me, and he hasn't said much of anything to me today. his intro and his rant show that he knows how survivor works, so why isn't he putting any effort into talking? idgi. :/

soooooo yeah that's this tribe. BC and I have teamed up, we've talked about roping in Matt as a third sometime soon. I wanna give Marie a chance as well, even talking to her tonight she's not that bad. but I'd probably be fine with voting out Keaton whenever, and I want John to go asap.

I was called Keaton from Facebook and mistaken for Maria on my tribe. This game is going great for me so far.

So far making bonds with Brian, Charlie, Dennis, and Sharky (Matt). I genuinely like them. No game talk just yet. But i wouldnt mind alligning with them. Havent talk to Nicole yet. So i need to start. Hopefully we are good and win this first immunity.

Okay top of Day 2. We're plunking away at this challenge. It's weird because since we all have our own lists we aren't talking very much... Charlie, Nicole, and Maynor are still yet to upload anything so I hope they get it together soon.

I feel like my tribe is being lazy rn like I did three tasks and I gave up because i only saw one other person doing shit!  and they can GOOO if they are going to be like that! OVER IT

no one pm's me first and when i pm them i have to keep the conversation going and it stops after like 5/10 minutes so um thats fun. really hoping we win immunities until a swap or sth. or maybe we intentionally matsing and then i just get rid of all the ppl who GHOST me. the only person who had a real conversation with me today was jayden and even that was super short and ended with him leaving me on read so um.. i guess im just super popular obviously. reading this back its gonna look so cringe NNN but this is how i FEEL

Ok so another update! So today I approached Bryce who seems like a amazing guy and I asked if we could work together and he said yes! So I hope this is a relationship that can last

I still feel kinda... like an outsider looking in.  It's only day 2, but I just feel like I have so much I need to change about my social game already.  I'm normally a crackhead when talking to people and can find those one or two people to be crackheads with, but I think I literally have to go through a complete change in order to succeed.  I need to be more ... adult?  If that makes sense...

So it's time for me to channel my inner-straight guy!  I need to just be cool and casual and normal and not be the uber obsessive Ariana stan I normally am or... "wig" this... I know I touched on this in my first confessional, but it's even more true now... I'm finding talking to some of these people a lot more challenging because I have to kinda flick on the normie switch.

Ahhh... this is going to be one hell of a ride…

Honestly I am REALLY happy where i sit in this game. I have a solid alliance of 3 with BC and James which is already good. I have a feeling we will end up at tribal, however I am not too worried because i feel like there will be some clear targets like Keaton or John. Marie is kind of laying in the middle but I know what a good player she can be so im keeping my eye on her.

Honestly I am REALLY happy where i sit in this game. I have a solid alliance of 3 with BC and James which is already good. I have a feeling we will end up at tribal, however I am not too worried because i feel like there will be some clear targets like Keaton or John. Marie is kind of laying in the middle but I know what a good player she can be so im keeping my eye on her.

Ooo girl. Do I have tea for you? LMFAO. I would make a video, but I have a lot to talk about, so you'll have to read for now.

where to even start? like LOL I guess I'll start with... this tribe fucking sucks. Literally can't stand it. And b4 someone says... "ew bboy it's b/c you don't have anybody you know huh??? you relying on meta!!!" no it's not because of that. well, sort of...

i play these games to meet new people so being on a tribe of new people doesn't phase me too much. it's that i don't like it when the tribe is inactive. like half of the people don't talk to me so it's kinda hard to do a cast analysis but I'll do one then get to the tea.

keaton: nothing really to say about him cuz I don't know him. I literally messaged him and it was SOOOOO hard to hold a conversation with him. then, I confused him with marie cuz he was kinda forgettable. thank you, next john: girl bye. idk if there's something wrong, but like john literally does not message me. and like i'm fine it's ok whatever, like i'm fine i'm fine I'll be fine, but still girl... seriously??? I would say "hey john! how are you doing?" and he'd be like "good." HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THAT? LAGHALHG marie: I actually like her a lot. we get along prob cuz we're both similar - she's quirky, I'm quirky. quite the combo. we don't have any set alliance or anything, but I definitely don't want her to leave before dem inactives -.- matt: I like him... enough. he's cool and we chatted for a bit yesterday and the first day. there really isn't anything else to say but he's kinda fun??? i guess idk laghlahg but yeah there's that james: i'm prob the closest to him on the tribe. we just vibe so well together and I really do like him a lot. he's funny and chill and he was the one who initiated the alliance, to which I was like "yess girl add me in!!!" idk what else to say, because although matt/james have been more active, I jjust haven't had many convos with them individually yknow

but the little alliance we have going on is cute. <3 the name = Transcontinental Trio. It prob won't last (just being honest) but if it can get me past these few couple of rounds before the swap, I'll take it. my goal right now is to win these next few challenges and hope we don't have to go to tribal before the swap. if we do, I'd rather see john leave before keaton, because I think there's a relationship to work with keaton whereas I don't see one with john unfortunately

the tea that I have to spill is really just bitching about my tribemates I mean come the FUCK on y'all!!! wtf is the point of joining an ORG and then not talking to anybody. like does that make any fucking sense??? literally like... nnnn what is the matter with you? John infuriates me b/c like bitch if you don't have time sweetie, stick to playing Skyrim or w/e the fuck you play. my mood was when he sent us a pic of something happening in the game (idk what it was it looked dumb af) and literally NO ONE replying. like yes stick to his boring ASS!!

on top of all of that, no one (excluding my alliance) talks about anything of substance. like sure it's only been 3 days but y'all can at least find SOMETHING to talk about. i'm just so goddamn frustrated

that's it. I'm tired of bitching. i'll confessional again after results. hopefully we win or imma have to pop a bitch.

Okay we're closing in on the challenge deadline! I've gotten a ton of points. Dennis/Brian/Maynor all also posted a bunch so I'm hoping this is enough to keep us safe. Idk what Nicole is doing? But she better post something. ANYTHING really.

Where is Nicole? Like...girl, are you good? Wtf

omg so. based on nathans and nick's talking in the tribe chat they seem to know each other/mutual ppl. i will break their bond and make sure they want to work with me instead of each other. even if nathan hates pm'ing me and nick was fine to talk for a bit yesterday but today seems to hate me!

The scores are locked in. Hopefully we had enough points to keep us safe but Nicole didnt turn anything in. Hopefully nothing too bad happened. But i think if we do lose, maybe Nicole being first boot isnt too bad. Hopefully everyone thinks the same.

Okay so we demolished. Lucky for Nicole because she didn't contribute at all. And she didn't tell us she was abstaining. I'm sorry...you didn't have time to take a selfie with your cat? Bye.

MY MIND IS SO BIG AT 1:20AM. Right ok so to catch the confs up, James BC and myself have made an alliance called the transcontinental trio (An iconic name ik) so like im really happy that exists. THEN we somehow win immunity, even though Marie and John both had single digit scores LOL. like wow didn't know we could do that. then anna announces the idol system, and i fully expect too like not get far so i do it anyway. 4 mins later and i HAVE A FUCKING IMMUNITY IDOL???? LIKE BITCH WTF. I AM SO FUCKING SHOOK ITS UNREAL. I have been playing orgs for 1 1/2 years now and like I have never been able to find one! and now i do???? Jesus Christ maybe this IS my Game!

not to overreact but i want my entire tribe to go home. i had to PLUCK egg shells out of my VERY CURLY hair like i was some monkey picking ticks. i took an egg, a poor chicken would be, and used it not for nutrition. but for "fun". and its all for NOTHING. but thats ok. everyone keeps saying bc i carried i should be safe and like yes. but the REAL reason i should be safe is that its like im the only person on this tribe who wants to socialize at all!! also this idol system is so fun love choose ur own adventure type stuff. sad how i flopped first try tho.. but in 24 hours catch me with the idol! or catch me as first boot. someone just catch me im falling FAST.

This immunity is great because it gives me time to build better friendships without pressure of a vote. Charlie seems to like me, he wants to share idol guesses which is cool with me. That probably also means he'll tell me if he gets an idol which is powerful info to know. Also I won some cookies on my search. I hope they're oreos. But I'm curious as to what they'll be good for.

So....Charlie found the idol...and he told me. So guess I'm working with Charlie now. Because I want to keep tabs on this idol.

https://imgur.com/ZrG7wNV clearly doesnt realize ive never met a girl i didnt want to ally.

So we lost the challenge! Are we surprised? NOOOO AHHAHA! *sighs* anyways I think i have the numbers to get anabelle out, sorry not sorry

First tribal then Walrus is a bitch. I hate this game

i want to vote jayden out but annabelle and cole did worse in the comp so it might be hard so awk.. like nick wants annabelle out and he told cole that so its kind of over for her huh this is so sad i refuse to be on a tribe full of MEN

So far so good I really hope we can continue this momentum and I hope I can last 6 more days until the 20th of January and then I get to be two ages in one org which I have never done yet.

BC has brought me and Matt into an alliance (Transcontinental Trio!). BC is like the obvious alpha on the tribe and I’m kinda fine with that? At least I hope BC looks like a bigger threat than me, I don’t want that label lol. Matt is super charismatic, we’re finally talking regularly/about the game. He’s probably the scariest person on the tribe just because he’s so damn likable.

Keaton’s opened up a little. We bonded over thinking that we were the only ones hearing nothing from John lmao. Our first vote will probably wind up being Marie or John. I don’t want to push buttons too early, but if I get a chance at a clean shot at John I’m taking it.

So we lost the challenge which is terrible but I got the legacy advantage which is great! I’m worried ppl r voting me but that’s could be just my paranoia so ima stick to my plan of waiting for a name to be said

We won immunity and it feels great. Hopefully we could just go on an immunity run and stay safe till swap happens. I need to start making my talks with people go to game talk but maybe not as fast skmce we are safe.

edit: I really need to start watching the movies. Choose your own adventure like Idol systems always require background knowledge.

We won the first challenge and I'm so happy because I could've been voted out if we lost! This is my first Tumblr org so I'm completely lost and I accidentally told Matt that I knew Bryce from the other tribe so yay... that put a target on my back I think so hopefully we just keep on winning!

I don't have too much to update on, but I'm so glad that we aren't going to tribal because highkey I'd be in so much trouble... I've been in an emotional rut so the communication has been rough.. but we won so I have time to enjoy my tribemates in some conversations and make them love me…

Cole like what are you doing bro. Also I assume Keaton and Dennis are running shit on the other tribes.

Wow so I gotta say I am seriously impressed by this cast. I don't really know anyone and there are only 2 other people from EM... is this for real lol?? Seriously though I'm so happy to finally be playing an org with so many new people!!

Ok so first impressions of my tribe. I've already embarrassed myself by sending drunk videos to every single member of my tribe bar Nicole who wasn't online at the time.

Dennis- Easily my fav so far. I feel like we click so well and I've already talked to him way more than anyone else. Really hope I can go far with him.

Brian- Ok so I've seen this guy around on facebook and he seems funny and really nice! Our convos have been fun so hopefully we can develop a good relationship from here!

Maynor- He likes Charlie the unicorn. Therefore I like him.

Sharky- Haven't talked to him so much yet, but he seems cool and I know he was an early boot in KC.

Nicole- Haven't talked to her yet at all.

Ok so my tribe mates are KILLING this challenge! It's been difficult for me to take part cos of being up in London, but I need to add more stuff to the list lol. Otherwise we could lose, and I'll probably get blamed... eeeek.

WE WON!!! I can't believe it!! I'm so FUCKING HAPPY right now. One of our tribe mates abstained and we still won by over 200 points.. crazy shit

https://youtu.be/_LqWkiWMQw8

so we are about to go to tribal in about an hour and I think we have a plan sorted, I know nathan is saying my name and I will get votes BUT what the plan is that myself,bryce and annabelle vote jayden, jayden votes nathan and the other two will prob vote myself so we will get a 3-2-1 and jayden will go! lets hope

ok so i was out all day. and barely on. but i tried forcing jayden out bc he ignores me and i hate him. but NO. cole is cracked and when itell him to talk to nathan to secure his vote. he instead wants to vote him, then leads to jayden telling nathan that cole wants him out. so now he has no shot. bye bye cole this is sad but u so overplayed NNN glad queen annabelle is safe tho!

Cole is voted out 5-1.

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 2 “#NewQueenInTown” - Lily

hey hoes so ill do my first impressions or w/e chrissa- kween! i was hoping she'd stay awhile but u know when someone wants to be elimed then u gotta! dana- idk ha!hevjkbev i dont remember a dana in any of these so! idk how she plays so yikes but i wouldnt be surprised if shes close w the other newer people lexo- im love her! im hoping we can do #that for callie tru matt- i played a game with him once and he voted me out so :/ but i think we can work well together tbh mitchell- hes malaysia and thats all i know, im not sure how he played in malaysia and lowkey the only times i ever interacted with him he kinda annoyed me gtg monty- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i love monty, i know he will be one of my closest allies for sure! i cant wait to slay w him linus- hes from winnipeg and he seems sneaky to me and hes a newer school player so he could be close w the others ryan tiddie palmer - i love my dadt sdhvbdfv but also im a little wary of him bc i have a feeling he would love to vote me out but as of rn i need him so, we'll see zak- i voted him out in palau and thats all i got kjehfvbjr i didnt even kno they played a game before anyway hes also part of the potential new school alliance

also heres the vote tea, basically mine and lexis names were being thrown around and i was like??? we aint even do anything so then we started throwing zaks and linus name around. anyway me and mont were freaking out bc we needed 2 more people to get majority and vote zak and save me and lex, so we recruit chrissa and we make an alliance chat w ha. we call and talk about who we can pull in and such. so come the next mornin i start talkin to matt who said he was down for voting zak. honestly i trust matt he seems more trustworthy than other people plus i dont think he knows a lot of the tribe members tru so if i keep him close then my alliance should be good tru. anyway i talk to lexi to figure stuff out, and i talk to zakriah and basically tell him that im willing to vote lexi next round or w/e, mind u this is after chrissa anounces that she wants to be voted out, and well hopefully by telling him this i can gain his trust a little and get some tea from ha. also zak knows that me mont and lexi were targetting him??? honestly idk who couldve told him unless it was chrissa??? no one else shouldve known tru, anyway so i get the tea from that mitchell is the one who told him that he heard my name being thrown around and kjefbv like i dont wanna confrontational or anything but i went to mitchell and asked him about it and he was "like honestly it was like a grapevine thing tbh like nobody was like "...how bout karen" it was more of "i've heard Karen"" LIKE??????????????????????????????? REALLY BITCH THAT DONT ANSWER MY QUESTION. grapevine my ass, like thats what zak told me too, like !!!!!!!!! just tell me bc if u dont then im gonna assume that ur ass is the one started the whole "i heard" thing nnnnn anyway!!!! im just relieved that chrissa is asking to be voted out bc this couldve been way more stressful aaaaaahhhhh  honslee i was scared this was all a ploy to throw votes but i genuinely believe ha and i love chrissa too much to ever disrespect her wishes so :/ bye bye chrissa we hardly knew ye!

Not much has happened so far. We won the first challenge, which is awesome, and kinda gives me this fire to keep winning just so that we can keep beating the vets. It's kind of fun to be the underdogs (considering we all have much less experience than the vets) and to win. As long as we don't get a flash challenge, I'm not too worried about how well we do. Or at least, how well I do. I just don't want to be the person with the lowest score. Anyways, on day 2 or something Lily messages me and says we should be in an alliance, since we knew each other from a chat. So I said sure, and she gives me an idol clue she found! Holy shit! Lucky for her, I don't have any other alliances, otherwise I could so easily just play her. I don't have any plans to though - she seems very trusting and kind and I respect that. I just have to be careful it doesn't get me in trouble as long as we're aligned. So I go to search for the idol, with the clue she gave me in mind, and somehow end up finding the exact same clue she did. Hopefully we don't make the same mistake again next round.

https://youtu.be/hCcal7QtHWY

OMG okay so first off... Daisy comes to me saying she likes Jacob. Okay. Perfect. He's my ride or die anyways, so now we have a mutual ally we can lean on, and she says she wants to be in an alliance. Cool. Even better. Let's officialize this shit.

So Daisy makes the chat, and she says "alright Johnny and Jacob, let's add Willow and Luca" and I'm internally freaking out with Jacob on the side here, and Jacob and I are losing it in PMs and we're like "I think that wouldn't be the BEST idea, just because adding people late can make them think that they're going to be 4th and 5th" So Daisy is going to stick with us three being a f3.

Little does Daisy know that Willow wanted a four person alliance with me and Jacob already, and it didn't include Daisy, so it'll be easy for Willow to think she's on the in, and same for Daisy, which can be GREAT for later.

All I know is I'm going to have to do a little educating to Daisy on how to play this game, and making an alliance with three people and then adding two people LATE is no beuno sweetheart... Thank God Jacob and I prevented that one. At least we know we're in a core for now, and we can start picking off the weaker rookies............... or maybe we go after someone who looks like they can be smarter, and an independent player. Maybe Aro for example? Let's see what happens after immunity (giggle)

So after Chrissa announced she wanted to be voted out, Karen and I were able to talk to each other for the first time this game. I pushed that I didn't want to target her if it wasnt out of hate, and targeting each other based on lack of communication could be easily fixed - after all, what's better than an unlikely duo? I'm in two right now if I'm not being played: as far as I know Linus wants to work with me to get out Karen, and Mitchell also thinks that's what I want. However, I want me an ally in Karen, and Lexi or Mo's gotta go next.

Something terrible happened to me irl yesterday and Im in a bad headspace right now. I really dont feel like talking to anyone besides Luca and Johnny(whos actually pretty cool) so I cant wait to get to the swap. I tried connecting with Kaya a bit but she doesn't seem to like me very much. I have a terrible migraine and everything kinda sucks right now but I'll fight through it. I can't wait for the time when I eventually look back on this confessional and cringe at the angst lmao

I low-key hope I get taken out of this challenge early so I don’t have to sit around all night doing it, but the only way that’d be able to happen is everyone just went after me to start the challenge, and no one knows I’m good at live challenges except Chrissa, and she’s bye bye

Aw Dana assigned me to shoot my fuckbuddy aromal in the first round of the IC :( like the opposite of the hunger games up in here :(

This paintball challenge is so fucking FUN! Like, it's so cool to keep on my toes and constantly be dodging/shooting paintballs. It's like my own sort of little endurance challenge. I just have to be sure I don't miss any dodges... That's why I changed the conversation notification settings to notify me every time my name is said. :P But it's fun, anyway. And if I lose, I can blame my team and use the machete I got. >:3c

So... let's play catch up!

Chrissa got voted out unanimously like she ASKED TO. It sucked bc I liked Chrissa but she was a lil strategically problematic so... whatevs. BUT then Karen starts being like "oh would you have voted for me? where'd my name come from?" and being kind of aggressive about it so... that turned me off. Honestly yeah I would've voted your ass out, you ignored me and continue to do so lol, but after that? I'm set. I think my allegiance with Dana is solidified by my complaining to her about Karen, and honestly? I see her as my #2 in this game.

Matt, the other option for my #2, also tells me he's ready to make a move  against the Karen/Monty/Lexi coalition when we next go to Tribal Council. We're slaying this challenge so that won't be tonight, but when it does, Karen's ass is grass if I've got anything to say about it!!

Karen and Lexi still make minimal effort to talk with me. Pretty much nobody has been 1-on-1 talking with me throughout this whole 3-hour-long-so-far challenge which is also kind of ridiculous but??? What are you gonna do. I'm still sick so hopefully when I recover I'll start schmoozing like I usually do and stop oozing like I don't wanna do.

also fuk u mangrove swamp

RETWEET IF YOU ARE ON TEAM LA NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

This challenge is murdering me. 4.5 hrs left SO.

So, I quit during the paintball challenge. I was the last person left on my tribe and I just couldn't see myself pulling off a win, not against five people - I did manage to get one out on my own but it seemed very doubtful I could have gotten them all. I'm not sure how I feel about throwing it like that, I probably could have faked it and just posted a shoot at the 6 mark which might have been better for my game, cause I'm not sure how that will effect how the vets see me from this point on, or if my tribe finds out and gets mad at me for it, but Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T MAKE US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF THAT @ VETS. I hate giving up/losing but at the same time, this is only the second challenge of the game. If this has been an individual immunity challenge, damn right I would have stuck it out but it's still early on and I think this vote will be pretty straight forward. IF I manage to get voted out I'll feel so stupid for throwing it but as of right now I trust my alliance and feel safe. (famous last words)

So now Star wants to talk to me...... Tooo little too late bud. You've been talking to the least amount of people this whole game, you didn't even help with the immunity challenge, and now you're coming to me all worried about the vote? Sorry you're in this situation, but you made your own bed, and now you have to lay in it. 

On a different note, I was talking to Jacob, and we were thinking that two of us should throw our votes onto someone else, just in case of an idol play, but honestly, I don't wanna be that paranoid freak always worrying about an idol, but I also don't wanna a repeat of the last tumblr survivor I played in, where I got idol'd out of the game, so I'm trying to be careful. I might talk to Daisy about it, but I don't want to come off as paranoid, so it'll be an interesting talk if I choose to have it...

(Slightly later)

OMG LILY JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS THE IDOL I'M SCREAMING!! Now I don't have to worry about a fucking idol play. Not only that, but she tells me that I'm the only person in the game that knows about the idol, which is huge for me because it means that she trusts me the most, and this can be a relationship outside of Jacob, Daisy, Willow and Luca, so this is really good. I am going to focus on forming a broship with Aro too, just to have that connection, but I think that I'm starting to become very trusted in the tribe, which is good. 

I know my struggle is going to be when we switch tribes, and just hoping that the luck of the draw doesn't put me onto a tribe with bad numbers, but even if I do, I think I'll be able to charm my way out of it. The fact that I want to vote out most of these people, and they still continue to prove to me that they trust me the most is CRAZY, but Lily is definitely going to be a tool I'm going to utilize in the game for a long long time, and I hope she and her idol make it deep enough in the game to benefit me.

Sorry... rambling. My struggle now is whether or not to tell Jacob. I don't want to lose his trust later in the game by him finding out about this idol, and him knowing that I knew about it. I think I'm going to tell him about it later tonight, and I hope that he'll be thrilled, but he isn't even going to be back for day change... At least now I know that I don't have to worry about the idol, especially because I doubt there are more than one idols out there, from my specific tribe, so definitively, it's bye bye Star time :(

Jesus.... Karen and I survived that round.. In what world is that actually realistic? But we did and thankfully with little issues like messy thrown votes or Chrissa playing an idol on herself after misting us all. I was really nervous that it was all an actual trap because I have seen it happen before and boy is it terrifying but bless her heart for being true to us all.

The challenge was one that I have won before so I was not too nervous about the whole workings of the challenge but I was nervous about how long the challenge would go. I was so tired yesterday for some reason and I do not know if I could have lasted until 2 am with very little break. I would have tried my best of course so I could make sure Karen and I were safe but there is only so much a single person can do which L.A. ended up proving. The Veterans won the challenge THANK GOD and so we do not have to worry about one of us being voted out bless. Right now I would def consider Karen my final 2 because we do share the common homie of Callie and I do my best to trust Callie's judgement most of the time (the other times... I just can not defer from what god wants). My only issue is that Karen has a lot of friends on this tribe that I fear she might pick over me such as Monty and that makes me a bit scared of her but right now we sort of need each other in terms that we are both the most threatening ones on our tribe at the moment so if she gets rid of me, she does not have many people to hide behind and I have been known to be a very good meat shield for those that take advantage of it so here is to praying she is actually my final 2.

Okay I love my tribe now. Seriously though I was only disliking them because I was too mentally checked out to socialize. They're all really sweet people and omg it was all i could do to stop them from pronouncing Zaks name wrong lmao during the challenge. Even though I outta be pissed that more than half of us got eliminated for breaking simple rules, I loved that they were cheery about it.

For the vote ahead, it should be a smooth 9-1 against Star. He hasn't been too active thus far and everybody seems to be on board.

https://youtu.be/RpyYL7gVQEE

LAST ROUND VOTING: A SUMMARY We get back to camp after being beaten in the immunity challenge and things devolve into chaos. Mitchell starts whispering "Lexi" and then shouting "WHO SAID THAT! I HEARD YOU! lexi.... WHO WAS THAT!!!!" Lexi and RTP climbed into the shelter and started singing songs together, waiting for other people to join. Matt sat himself on a rock and just kinda sat there...waiting.... Zak was running around, talking to each and every person saying he heard something different to everyone, calling every guy Miss and every girl Qween. Karen was sitting trying to have sensible discussions, and Mitchell and Zak saw this and started freaking out. Mitchell kept his calm and kept whispering lexi... but Zak thought he said Karen and started freaking out. Meanwhile, I'm running around screaming at people that Zak is dead weight and Linus is a rat, but nobody is really listening to me. Meanwhile, Linus disappeared into the woods to maybe go try on some wigs or some shit, and Dana is off talking to anything that moves, with various degrees of success. In the middle of camp is Chrissa, just sitting. Me, Karen, Zak, and Mitchell are all screaming about who should go, and she silently raises her hand and says four words. "I. I will go." Everyone stopped and just kinda looked at her, and then started screaming. Not words, just incoherent noises, and that never stopped until Chrissa's torch was snuffed by Isaac

real confessional for this round: So, this has been a pretty chill round. As a tribe, our number one priority was winning immunity. I staying longer than a few people, until I had to go swim. I still need to talk to Dana, Lexi, and RTP this round to keep those connections alive, but other than that, my social game is less shitty than in the past! So, overall, this is not looking terrible for me!

IS DAISY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Daisy, girl, we spoke about this. Adding people to alliance chats can only cause problems. Making a brand new chat is the way that it has to be. I can't be closely tied with someone who is actually that oblivious to how this game goes. It's like telling someone that there's a three person alliance, and we just want them to be fourth on the ladder. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. Luckily for me, it's someone as ditzy as Lily is, and it's someone who doesn't really talk to a lot of people, and she's someone who has an idol, and now Daisy and I were both told by Lily, which is why Daisy added her.

One thing that Lily and Daisy aren't aware of is that Jacob knows about the idol too, and that's because I told him, so with Jacob in the loop, and me being the one who told me, is PRIME. I need to be the barrier of communication between all of them, and right now I think I'm doing a steady job. One thing I need to work on is my relationship with Allie and LA, because they're two SMART girls, who I haven't been spending much time talking to, so I might work on that later today, even though I've spoken briefly about the vote to both of them, I need MORE!

Well after the mess with Chrissa we were lucky enough to win, and I think the challenge was a good bonding experience for the tribe. Now I'm kind of in the middle right now I like my alliance a lot but I think I could work with Karen and Lex in the future so I'm nervous about alienating them and I'm like back and forth back and forth like a metronome or some dumb swingy shit. So lemme just cross my fingers we don't have to go to tribal, and that somebody I know will get this damn idol ay dios bio

We lost the immunity challenge earlier. I'm super disappointed but I doubt I'm in any trouble at tribal council. I kinda messed up by posting early, lost my head and this probably was a factor in our tribe losing. On their tribe, only three people messed up.

But challenge aside, I feel I'm pretty safe for the time being here. I like Jacob, Willow, LA, Johnny and Allie and I think I'm getting along with Aromal too. Really the only people who I haven't really been talking with are Star (who's getting evicted today), Daisy and Lily.

I should probably talk more with the other two. All that said, this game is phenomenal. You can never know if you're really safe.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THE FUCKING IDOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA But like... wow. I find the idol clue on my very first search, and then on my second search, I find the idol itself. When will your fave... #newqueenintown

We won! Updates game wise so I'm just utr1 instead of inv. 

1. Zak is still a self righteous prick, but he's also smart enough to just flat out target me rn, so idk. 

2. Matt is easy to talk game with, he's seeming a bit paranoid though. 

3. Dana and Ryan, still love em both. 

4. Mitchell is everyone's best friend, hillarious dude. That also sadly means he is the biggest threat in the game. Of course, right now I want to work with threats, but eventually he will be scary. 

5. Karen is still my target. 

6. Gotta try and make Lexi and Monty not flip at a swap. 

7. Linus is the best, he's probably the front runner to win right now.

Okay so I keep forgetting about confessionals oops. But I'm going to my first tribal council ever tonight and I'm a little nervous. I feel like this vote tonight should be pretty simple because everyone in the tribe wants to vote out Star, but I'm worried that he might have an idol or something since 9/10 people in our tribe looked for the idol yesterday. Also I'm still a little bit irritated at myself from the challenge yesterday because it said 7:05 on my computer when I pressed send but it was still 7:04 on the skype clock or whatever Idk