#idk if i can live without u
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act 4 :(
@chipper-smol and i came to a realization
#THID FUCKING GAAAAAAAMMMMEEEEE#i have more i wanna draw but my hands not working orz.. maybe ill get around to it later idk#i finally FINALLY managed to get inside that star room.. my own clone!! now neither of us will be virgins!!!!#i dont have anything to go off of but when the journal mentions making another 'me' it reminds me of loop saying theyre like a mirror#theyre always able to read siffrins mind without actually reading their mind (or so they say) but maybe it could just be tone matching???#or smth like that.. idk if these two things are connected though so maybe its more like subtext#i hope im not the only one who made the childrens hospital joke when it came around to color lore part 2#im also getting the sinking feeling of watching siffrin toe his way near the deep end like bro is so so close to losing it#i feel like if i knew nothing abt the game beforehand and why siffrin is looping in the first place my feelings abt this would be different#cuz id be pretty angry too if ive been stuck in a loop long enough to feel like everyone around me is pretending nothings wrong#than the fact that i have decided not to disclose im in a time loop and that everyone is living this day for the first time#although i also get hes doing this for a reason and when u believe in the universe i guess it also comes with sunk cost fallacy#'this is the path the universe led me down before i even knew what i wanted so all i can do is double down' THATS THE FATALISM TALKING#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#isat act 4 spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#sona#puppysona#friends#chipper#doodles
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the people’s princess
#tetro danganronpa pink#watari nishino#archive tags >#jubilee art#ive been without power for the majority of the day and in that time i have nearly completed to warrior cat books im going back to my roots#im so excited for the tetro drop this week and lowkey so curious how they’re gonna deal with kamimura and tsuno#ive Never tried to do anything with fire or fire colouring before and u can so tell but sh that can be a secret between u and me#we can pretend#something crazy to me is that I got into tetro idk how long ago but the week after the second trial was my first live posting#slash being caught up to tetro week#and in that time ive drawn like 19??? 20??? one of the two things for tetro#and I don’t think I drew even close to that many things for the entirety of last year#i know last year I drew like two full things with colour#like total and now i have to deal with adhd allegations from my mate who’s been adhd truthing me for years#there is no point to saying this i just thought about it while posting this and im a chronic yapper and tags are easy enough to ignore
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finally watched hannibal in the year of our lord 2025. a life altering experience. it's everything to me. top 2 fav tv shows
#it's PEAK. CINEMA#that ending????? this is what open endings should be#THIS is how you do a satisfying open ending#it was left ambigous but not in a confusing way. you can interpret it however you want depending on what you think of will's development#i think they both survived cause like logically speaking with they way they fell hannibal wldve suffered more.. water impact#and if HE survived then so did will bc he was on top of him so that involves a degree of attenuation?#and also narratively speaking idk i feel like this is a package deal ''can't live with him can't live without him''#double suicide in the river lol rip dazai you wouldve loved nbc hannibal#okay on that note THIS is how u execute toxic yaoi as well#like their dynamic was SooOooooo toxic but the good psychological manipulation kind and again ...veryyy ambigous#every time they backstabbed each other i was giggling and kicking my feet like YEAAAH🥰🥰🥰 u go girl#s3 was a bit meh bc of that stupid cringe dragon plot god i couldnt stand that bitch every time he appeared on my screen#no class or charisma whatsoever just a buttnaked lunatic who never got over his furry phase get him OFF my screen. ugh#but anyways im glad they killed him together <3 it was v poetic#watch hannibal if you haven't you dont know what youre missing out on#10/10#would ve given it an 11/10 but that bitch grunt dragon pissboy really killed the vibe#hannibal#i have no where else to ramble about this tumblr is my safe space teehee huhu
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Call Them Brothers by @wutheringmights / bordado y transfer sobre tela (2008) by Ana Teresa Barboza / הבל | hevel by @/nathanielorion / Serie: Detective Cha is Dead by dir. Kim Cheol-gyu / Serie: Tale of the Nine Tailed by dir. Nam Hyeong Jo & Kang Sin-hyo / Untitled by Liam Cushing / Angel of Grief, grave of Emelyn Story by William Wetmore Story / Serie: Arcane, Episode 7.- Pretend like it's the first time.
#couldn't finish the year without going crazy bonkers over ctb one last time#this is the first webweave where i say “i wanna do something simple” AND I DO IT. CAN I GET AN APPLAUSE#anyways. i know ctb has been haunting you bc it seems neverending#but what. 2 years-ish reading this fic? and frankie ill be so honest sometimes this fic is the only thing keeping me going#like idk. they r always living in my mind rent free is so easy to trigger the part of my brain thats obsessed w ctb#and im glad and grateful that you havent given up on this fucking thing id be heartbroken LOL#this makes it sound like i dont want it to end. i do dont worry every day im praying for you to finish this#and thats all. im rambling. is just that i remembered that u posted this all the way back in 2021#fuckin. ctb warriors#web weaving
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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#I'm sorry I'm behind on asks I feel like it never fucking ends#can't talk to family about it. they worry too much. cant talk to friends about it. they just start giving unwarranted (well meaning) advice#and plus they basically live with me atp with how often they're over helping me fuck do I do?? bother them more??#dude it's embaressing even if it's not chronic shit it's just unlucky shit like how u gonna have an allergic reaction & then seizure same d#idk about therapy therapists scare me. it's not a therapy issue though I'm just tired and in pain all the fucking time#one more person says “same omg” or “well have you tried-” i will start cutting peoples throat and eating their livers#you do NOT know what it's like having to write your own will before 30 like this shit aint right shit aint fair#makes me petty and shit too people who are healthy like can you just fucking suffer why do you get that freedom but not me#it just never ends#like I really fucking hate it when people say “oh you have so much to live for” because no I don't#Not so sound like a right winger gosh dang god fearer but like deadass people focus so heavily on “mental health!!” they don't#realize even if you feel better and get therapy or shit that's not gonna be realistically helpful for anything physical going on in sm#it's a cycle even if you manage 1 thing - the medications cause a 2nd thing#and that's alongside all the OTHER things you take medications for which cause all those other things#it's like multiplying and makes your body slowly deplete but like never quite die. like I know realistically I can just die anyday#and yeah it is getting worse but it's no different because it's not about that#when you're sick it's not just “OMG DYING!!!” it's like. everything else in your life dies.#you can't cook for yourself. you can't clean. you can't move. you can't hang out with people anymore. you can barely work LMFAO.#I'm REALLY close to quitting it's not even funny lmao. cant put clothes on without struggling.#do people not know it's. physically impossible. to even eat sometimes. just vomit it all up or seize.#yeah it does make me petty#rant
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random question but for a group that is considered an angel group theres a lack of angel imagery in the graphics and blog and knowing you i am sure there’s a reason for that????? 🎤
LMAOOOOOO KNOWING ME?! 😭😭😭 ok. but ur right. i actually do have a reason but i’ve never said anything about it because that’s lore territory and i’ve always wanted to do something “fun” to talk about those silly theories. but with the way i’m moving… ok. u didn’t ask for this but i will do a little lore dump on the reason why i don’t really include angel visuals to their content with a tldr because before i am an human i'm a yapper!
in their world, the mobius, there’s an otherworldly god i call "i"— though sometimes i call them "mother" or "father" as well, since, really, they’re only a concept. and, in a way, "i" could even be u.
“i” is beyond mortal understanding, something like a biblically accurate angel that no one is worthy to look upon. a literal god of whom no one shall make a carved image. their vision when creating the mobius was to make a “perfect world,” free of sin and disobedience, where angels and disciples would serve them and their word alone. to do this, “i” created three angels from the heart of nature, because whatever came from mother nature itself would surely obey them, right? but there was one rule in “i’s” book: noooooooo one could ever resemble the likeness or idea of “i.” because if their angels inspired the same awe or dread "i" provided, how could they ever spread their message?
so, these angels were made to radiate kindness, each a vessel of their season, born to share “i’s” teachings without stirring fear. they’re almost like concepts themselves: a glimpse of what they might be, but always held back by “i’s” rules and doctrine. basically, they were created solely to serve. (not trying to be funny here lmaoooooooooo). in their gentle, human-like forms, the sillies are the perfect reflections of “i’s” ideals, inspiring trust rather than dread to those they cross paths with.
yet, after the aengel of the season project, they saw how “i” had limited them as angels, as “humans,” as individuals because they didn’t even have the right to think on their own without consequences. they were even bothered by the fact that “i” didn’t fully respect mother nature by allowing their disciples to slowly destroy her. this realization sparked anger toward their god, their roles, and even their own identities because who the fuck am i? eventually, they understood that they were as close to god as anything could be as they were created by "i" and their own creation, so why serve when they are their own person slash actual angel? 🤭 now, with “i’s” gift, aka their serene, human-like forms as they don’t portray themselves as the biblically angels they actually are, they quietly but definitely defy “i’s” words by sharing their own doctrines of self-love, self-expression, and self-respect. :)
TLDR. their human forms are simply “vessels” to gain people’s trust, as they’re actually biblically accurate angels :) because how can they share their own doctrine and encourage mmmmmmm individuality? uniqueness? if everyone is screaming and kicking their feet while they’re going plsssssss do not be afraid D: their aura alone is angelic enough, aka the main reason angel imagery isn’t present enough in the blog :)
#⸺ ＃ æ. ❯ asks.#LORE ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!1 LORE ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#(no one asked and i still provided)#if anyone remembers those headlines post yeah this is why believers say they are blasphemous LMAOOOOO#idk if i should actually tw chr*stianity so take this as a tw#angel visuals are pretty much present during live performances and photoshoots but their presence is enough for ppl to be like. angels!!!!!#just like artms bc. for example. virtual angel. u can tell they are angels even without their wings. that has always been hiraeths vision#ive always liked the idea of them being angry for mothers nature because i's disciples are just. not good#even when /i/ believes they are good and allows them to do whatever. and mother nature is basically their mom in a sense#so they are angry for themselves and nature!!!!#the loop they are stuck in being i's punishment for defying them rip#also the part where i said /i/ could even be u: because we are held back by our own thoughts so in a way we are just like a god#but for ourselves as we put our own rules to ourselves#ive connected the dots (i didnt connect shit) i've connected them#this makes zero sense sorry#⸺ ＃ æ. ❯ lore.
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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the amount of antis in the ygofandom now.
#the cryptoconservatism is getting a lot less tolerance from me from now on i think. bc of reasons ha#i cant believe u think anime and cartoons and shit are real kids. get well soon but also fuck that#& the sex neg moral panic and the redfem ideology attached to it. i dont think i can be as patient about it anymore#if fandom anti bs is part of whats introduced folks into a conservative pipeline via virtue signaling & exclusionism#then why mince words about it tbh. make this embarrassing again. moral panic is embarrassing. cryptoconservatism is embarrassing#that ygofandom used to be what it was in the 2000s to mid '10s & the LIVING PROOF that radfem/anti ideals are practically factually FAKE#like genuinely can we STOP PRETENDING that its ok to think the worst of a real person's character for ships & shit#when oldschool girlies had YUGI and KAIBA FUCKING HARD NASTY & MESSED TF UP and didnt all en masse grow up to be what antis INSIST we will#OBVIOUSLY....idk how this take spread so easily (jk i know now moral panic always works without enough pushback) but its CLEARLY INCORRECT#anyway too many eng speaking ygoblogs that come across my feed who i dont already follow are antis. on their profile. so thats fun#it's a big reason for why i havent been sharing as much of it these days#fandom discourse
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i love my friends so much. i feel like yesterday i had a lot of shit going on in my head and i woke up to my friend explaining things in a way that put my mind at ease. i dont feel as anxious anymore because i know i was overthinking. i think my dad said it best when he told me that he thought my wonderful brain of mine just wants to think problems are bigger than they actually are. he is right! im just inexperienced in life and half of the time im scared im doing something wrong but- HEY. i need to be more confident in making mistakes. making mistakes doesn't define me as a person!! i need to stop worrying about doing life right and just live for the sake of living and doing what makes me happy!!!!!!!
#thank u blake. u really helped#also nessa!! thank u for that reblog about your perspective on my one post about feeling lost career wise#it helps me to know im not the only one living this life because holy fuck i can feel confused sometimes because.. am i doing this right?#and you know what? theres no correct path that i think there is but im just not good without a direct direction. it makes me a little#anxious about things#i dont know if its because i have some form of a disorder but i function better when i plan stuff out and give myself something to#decompress the problems and thoughts because in my brain theyre just all stuck and clumped together#and that can get a bit scary and overwhelming!!!#im just glad i have people that care about me. it means literally everything to me#so even if i dont 100% reply dont think i dont care because literally any ANY advice or kindness you show to me means the world#we're all just living this little life and we might as well make the best of it#people care..... thats just.... its good... it makes me feel less alone that people do#i love my friends so much#evennnn if we dont talk every day or are only mutuals in passing!!! it literally means a lot if people show me kindness#like holy shit!!! your older than me? and your dealing with a similar experience??? and your telling me that its okay??? and that itll be#okay?????#like#just the reassurance that things will be okay and work out and that im not the only one dealing with a feeling like mine#idk sometimes i just feel like im crazy and like my thoughts make no sense?? you know?? but yall get it#im glad that i have people who are older than me in my life cause yall have experienced stuff that i can use to be better#like your life experiences can help me in a way that can make a difference on my perspective on things#its why i like talking to my coworkers. because theyve seen things and done things i havent and their perspective can teach me potentially#i just dont feel so overwhelmed with life when i talk to people who understand#i feel so young and yet old enough to know but even the people who are older dont know so im sort of on the right track i suppose depending#on how you look at it#so- im just gonna live my life and smile because!!! you gotta.#you gotta surround yourself with people who can enrich you and teach you things for the better and make you want to grow#some of you are like that#you may not know that#but that kindness means so much
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we need to make more bear trap or barbed wire or something metaphors about Bond and his sense of duty/obligation
when u've lived ur whole life wrapped in thorns so you mistake the bite of cruel barbs for a lover's gentle kiss
#or like. another var I couldn't get to work was sth like when uve lived ur whole life wrapped/choked/held up by barbed wire (or thorns ig)#and u mistake its choking/suffocating squeeze for a lover's embrace. or sth like#u mistake the vines/wires holding you up as being there to help/support you#vs you are impaled there like a shrike's prey on a thornbush#idk you can see how there are like too many ideas/possibilities here and I couldn't coalesce one like one vision#so it's all very messy#but yea I think we can do more. fox caught in a beartrap. w Bond#he's dragged that beartrap w him for so long he doesn't know how to exist without it and has gotten used to the bite of it#and conversely releasing it (or the vines. or the barbed wire) is reactivating nerves he thought dead#and so it feels like undoing it is actually doing more damage#when rly it's like. you may need to temporarily tighten the noose in order to be able to get the knife under it to cut you free#(think like those sea lions that get tangled in fishing wire and the wire cuts cruelly into its neck)#(and the rescuers have to tension it to get under to cut the sea lion free)#okay yea. send post#concept dump
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ai rant in tags bc im so fucking tired
#came across an instagram account which used ai for animations#and this guy claimed to be an artist and i read a few of his replies to people calling him out for ai art and it made me SO ANGRY#like he said that him to his animations was less like an actor and more like a movie director like FUCK YOU MEAN#like no you didn't make that. other people made that. movie directors don't fucking plagiarise.#GRRR SO MUCH ANGER#the people talking to him were making VALID LOGICAL POINTS and he was just fobbing them off w like 'nice' replies asking for 'understanding#like FUCK OFF your heart emoji means NOTHING#worst of all i think most ai users like this know and understand what people are saying but they just ignore it bc ignoring it favours them#and the amount of people in the comments who were just like 'oh this is cool' PLS IT'S CLEARLY BLOODY FUCKING AI FUCK OFF#the worst thing about ai is that not only is it plagiarism but it's SO BAD FOR THE PLANET#idk the details but i know that it consumes so much water to function (to cool it down)#not to mention each search u do on ai takes up SO MUCH ENERGY like our planet is already fucked and with each use of ai it gets MORE FUCKED#and because our society wants things NOW and is obsessed with EFFICIENCY no once fucking cares#like we're ruining our planet using a thing we survived without perfectly fine??#like ok fine it's convenient in the short run BUT WHATEVER THAT DOESNT MATTER#ITS NOT CONVENIENT FOR OUR PLANET AT ALL#idk if we noticed but like?? WE LIVE HERE????#anyways i dmed this guy very politely asking if he'd taken into consideration the impacts of ai on the environment#i do not expect any sort of helpful response but i couldnt just sit there while this idiocy continued#obviously i cant fight every ai user in the world but i can sure as hell TRY#what is our society's obsession with new technology like we've blinded ourselves to how we're basically killing ourselves with it#like ok some people believe in ai conspiracy theories etc and obviously it's plagiarism but like?#even if you dont believe in either of those two points above it is still SO BAD for our planet#which also happens to be THE ONLY PLACE WE CAN SURVIVE IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE#and bla bla bla elon musk will takes us to mars NO HE FUCKING WONT.#anyways if he could he'd obviously find a way to do it and milk everyone of their money#and then he'd leave 'commoners' like us to die on earth#not that i even think he'll be able to get people living on mars in his lifetime or mine anyways#space boo screams into the void#ai
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i live so well it's crazy.. really really unbelievable
#i look around me sometimes & think i have everything i ever dreamed of#this post brought to u by my gf finding an outlet behind my bed that i never knew was there & is much more convenient than the other one#now i can lean on the wall with an outlet next to me & put stuff on the bed ledge#& it's just SO unnecessarily comfy & convenient. makes me look around at everything like.. my walls and sheets are matching#i have squishmallows and pretty posters and a giant middle earth map and a desk and a fluffy chair and i own books#& i have my girlfriend right there and the sweetest prettiest cat. decently functioning phone & laptop.#im out & i dress & have my hair how i want. i go to school i work i can drive to my friends#idk. as much as often i feel like im just surviving & things arent going well i cant forget i am living my dream#the things i dreamed of as a small kid.. i have them all#idk how to explain this feeling#the best i could say is dayenu like it just seems laughably incredible to me that it ALL worked out. it really didnt need to#like excessive gratuitous goodness that i would have been fine without. all this to make my life picture perfect !! so so nice#like everything has its cherry on top tied w a ribbon etc like it would have been perfect either way but it's just toasted to perfection. 🥹#op
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bruh
#i do get why people want kids but oh my god genuinely i have never wanted anything LESS LMAO#hes ONE kid and he’s so fucking messy there’s so much stuff and ITS CONSTANT and he’s just so exhaustingggggg like i can’t do anything when#i’m looking after him like bruhhhhhh please just RELAX#and like idk if it’s bc i’m not his mum but i like get too nervous to try and write in my room when he’s in the playroom bc then i csnt hear#him and i get NERVOUS so then i just spend my days like sitting with him or nearby and then i do NOTHING UGH#he’s also just been so like….whiny recently lmao he’s had 3 tantrums today 1) bc my sister wiped his nose 2) my dad came to visit and dared#to leave without him lmao#and 3) my sister changed the tv’s so we tried to play tangled on the one in the playroom instead of the living room and he whined for SO#LONG ABOUT IT BRO IYS THE SAME#UR TOYS ARE IN HERE U CAN PLAY WHILE SUNGING CMON BRO#anyway sorry i just really cannot fathom having my life revolve around a baby LMAO#「mercury speaks」#tw: children
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knowing ppl who used to live in Portland Oregon is exhausting bc I swear they all have a weird superiority complex about it 😭
#can you talk about how great it was without acting like that. does anyone know what.i mean idk how to expplain#no offense to ppl living in portland rn i bet it is great but these ppl act like it has zero problems#and everywhere else is Evil#like you dont even live there anymorree is that why u r the way u r
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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