#idk if anyone'll read this

[daz4i]

ok now i'm at home in bed and can make a proper post with all my thoughts. gushing abt personal stuff and possibly getting into sensitive territory here and there under the cut

today was really nice 🥹

i love our group i'm so glad i got to meet them i'm so glad they are a part of my life

everything went well. i'm honestly. extremely proud of myself for making it through this entire process, and not giving up like i at times wanted to. the last few weeks where my role was tweaked a little were super fun and today was the highlight, like seeing and hearing the audience clap even when i did just the littlest things was so. satisfying

after the show lots of people, including complete strangers, came up to me and told me i was great and that i was both funny and touching and they loved my part, i got so many hugs ahdjkflg 😭😭😭 beyond the clapping and laughter i got during the show which were already nice 🥹

the show itself was received better than i expected, and i started liking it more in recent weeks too hehe. we leaned into the campiness of it even more and it made it so much more fun to experience

it reminded me how much i love theater and how much i love being on a stage and not to sound spiritual or w/e but i truly was meant for this like this is what i'm supposed to be doing. i hope i can some day do it for money lol enough to make a living at least :P

. my whole body hurts (fr this show was so much exercise for my lazy ass 😩) but it's a good kind of hurt? bc it comes with satisfaction. hope i don't regret saying this tomorrow :P

in addition to playing in the show i was also somewhat of an assistant director lol. both our director and someone from the management team who was involved in the process mentioned it to my mom separately, like our director praised me for this and said my insight was always helpful and that i had great ideas omg 😭 this entire time i was worried that i'm like. taking over too much or smth bc i always had shit to say abt everything fr :P but ig it was received well 🙏 here and there i gave comments to other actors too to remind them stuff or correcr certain movements or lines and i was always worried it annoyed them but. they never got mad at any point. so maybe i can accept that i'm allowed to take space and offer my insight and not only will nothing bad happen, but good things will happen even hehe.

so this is where i get into the sensitive stuff i mentioned. bc if you follow me then you probably know my mental state is Not Great to say the least. and while i did have a lot of anxiety today (even got 2 pieces of somewhat bad news during the day which ofc were both huge bummers) i didn't think abt wanting to die even once. at some point my mean brain tried to bring it up and i managed to shut it down immediately which practically never happens (even when i'm having fun with friends it usually takes a bit more time for me to shake the thought away). which is kind of amazing and also another confirmation that i should be doing this more probably. i think

and. i mentioned being proud of myself. that's also smth that never happens but my aforementioned mean brain can't argue this time bc i absolutely objectively DO have the right to be proud of myself for everything i've done

less than one year ago i barely went out, maybe twice a week at most. the only people i met regularly were my parents (bc. i live with them lol) and my close friends. now i go out 4 times a week at the minimum and i interact not only with my fellow actors but other people in the art program as well, i use public transport which i basically never did since i was like. in high school. and talk to strangers even though I'm still terrified

i didn't just go on a stage but allowed myself to be filmed and managed to look at pictures of myself from the dress rehearsal despite having Issues™️ with this sort of thing. being seen wasn't bad. it was good even. i didn't feel as self conscious about the whole thing as i usually do basically

it's kind of amazing to see how much i've changed tbh. achieved. i didn't think smth like this could happen, let alone so quickly (and during. a literal war. that obviously didn't help anyone's mental state)

like. i mentioned being proud of myself. and this is a part of it, doing things that are so huge for someone like me and compared to who i usually am. but i think even compared to a normal person, i did a pretty damn good job that most people don't normally do, and i absolutely earned the right to feel good for the work i put in

^even thinking this is like chewing glass for me so this is ALSO an achievement actually. me feeling good about myself i mean. feeling pride. acknowledging my own success. makes me look back at other things i do/did that others are proud of me for and go "huh. i guess they're right" even tho i denied it before

idk. maybe i'll get a major adrenaline crash and forget these feelings tomorrow. maybe they'll last for a few days. maybe they'd even make a long term mark! who knows! i guess we can only hope (realistically speaking, the way i know myself, it won't stick :P but who knows. maybe just like i am currently building myself and my life little by little, i'll keep accumulating successes like this little by little too, solidify my self esteem a bit more at a time lol

idk how to finish this post. uh. if you read this i'm kissing you on the mouth. i'd say i hope i don't sound too conceited but nah i earned the right to be so anyway 🧐 no one gets to tell me otherwise

[rey-is-ace-rey-is-aro]

You know, since these people want to draw real life comparisons to Kylo Ren and this whole Rian debacle: these people are the exact same reason characters like kylo ren happened. 

Kylo ren isn’t some breitbart author or some milo yinnapolus whatever character, he’s your little brother. He’s your angry cousin or that awkward kid in school who was groomed by the older generation (snoke) and found solace and acceptance in bigotry and hatred where he didn’t find it in leftist ideals. 

You know snape?? The abused kid who was hurt and abused by all the Good Guys that you guys hate so much? A character who turned to hatred and bigotry because the popular Good Guys treated him like shit and home treated him like shit and he was angry and the only people who cared enough to accept him or treat him like a person was “facists” and nationalist racists who indoctrinated him into their society because he felt like he had no other choice? Yeah. 

So when these people are like “it’s HARMFUL to relate to these characters and HARMFUL to want to redeem these characters or find anything good in them” I want you to know that This Exact Mindset was what made these characters who they were. 

“There’s too much vader in him” “I’m the halfblood prince” no. Neither of these things were true about either of these characters but they were led to believe it was. They were TOLD they were the embodiment of evil when in reality they were scared young boys lured to evil despite their inner goodness. The Good Guys told them they were evil and they believed it. 

And just so you know? This is exactly what’s creating nationalists and fascists today. Prey on the young boys society rejects because of supposed badness in them. I’m not telling you to love the Proud Boys or the KKK, I’m telling you to love the little boy who’s being consumed by them. 

 If to OG trilogy was about the fear of becoming robots slaves to society and the prequels about the disillusionment of the republic we thought we were building and the rise of fascism, the sequels are about fascism and the indoctrination of young boys into something they don’t want to be. 

[carrotmakar]

Does anybody wanna be my beta reader? Like it doesn’t have to be for good, I just want someone to like read my Harry fic and tell me if it’s okay or if there’s something I missed.

I’m not completely done with it yet, so I’m hoping that by the tie I am maybe somebody will wanna read it.

If not that’s fine though lol

[616s]

Tony didn’t make it out of Madripoor that night because Steve motherhenned him to death on the street. 

[diamondedqe]

bro he is simply vibing

[genisidaku]

I may or may not have written a fanfiction...

[rainy-void]

Hey y'all!

Just a quick heads-up: There'll probably be a Black Sails spam incoming in the next few days, as I'm finishing this series. I'm mostly saying this because I really don't want to spoil it for anyone, as it is an extremely good show. Like, seriously, it gets better with every single season and its characters are just amazing. Also, there are queer pirates in it, so what's not to love?

Its first season isn't anything special and imo it only really gets going around the end of season 2/ start of season 3, but it's so damn worth it! The way everything develops is handled so well and you really get the sense that they planned it all from the beginning (unlike with most other tv shows i've watched, lol)

So yeah, if any of that sounded interesting to you, I'd recommend blacklisting the tag black sails so I won't spoil anything!

[cowboybuckleys]

i’m planning each chapter of this pillson fic to be like ~2000 words and i’m already at 750 so.... progress?? i guess lol

[midbyte]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-K7zR9W05xpZsDeuwuXTy6oOs4wNScKTv8rBoeoL7xs/edit

whoops, made another dnd character

[jugofangst]

Jarchie piercing fic???

it’s a thing based on this very old post i made that i may or may not ever actually put online

[diamondedqe]

Happy birthday to Minghao!!

best wishes to our lovely hao! thank you for all you do ^^

[bazpitch]

idk if anyone'll want to but. would anyone want to be in a reading club on discord. we'd just talk about what we're reading like once every two weeks or however often... vc or message idrc. i need to #discuss with some people that i don't have to think wait.. people are actually reading that? i thought it was a joke! about. like we could post quotes or cool poetry or interesting things we learned and recommend books that are like.. normal for our age to eachother

i think i just attended the worst thing of my life bro we have got to blow up the internet. i did NOT realize how scary other people my age r -.- these people were saying enemies to lover and smut and talking about wanting to fuck underage dudes IN REAL LIFE!!!! someone called pride and prejudice the original enemies to lovers and said the tropes been done better since then GRRR u will never understand her because you're not COOL and AN AUSTENHEAD DYKE like me!! the pandemic took shame out of these people you can't just tell a group of randos ur getting flamed on goodreads DUDE...