#idk if I'm more worried I'll be extremely emotional or that i won't feel anything (but that's mostly only a risk if my father dies)

[queer-ghosts]

no one very close to me has ever died and I'm so terrified of how I'll react when they do

[waywardsculs-a2]

so since they're here on a test basis right now, i'm going to put down a little headcanon post for the new muses i'm trying out with whatever can come to mind. obviously some will have more than others.

Alastor

i'm going with grey-ace for him, demiromantic. he'll need a lot of work if you want to get close to him, but i doubt that's a surprise in the slightest.

zero sexual or ( genuine ) romantic experience. he can flirt as long as he needs to in order to obtain something, but that's about it. he's charming by nature, but also absolutely unhinged.

if you do manage to get close to him in that regard you need to know he will be extremely murder - happy with anyone that tries to step in. meaning if someone tries to get in the way of the relationship? hope you didn't value your life.

hates having his tail and ears touched. unless he actually trusts you, but you still have to ask first.

whatever you do, don't try to touch him without consent first. he hates it and will not hesitate to kill you if you ignore this.

don't expect him to be gentle at first. he doesn't really know how to be that. it'll take a lot of learning because he hates being vulnerable.

Blitzo

i'm putting it out here now my default for him is in fact stolitz but i'm sure that's no surprise. i'm not really into blitz/fizz as anything other than friends/childhood crushes.

he's pan through and through and doesn't really need an emotional attachment for sex, but he definitely prefers it.

despite the shit he loves to give moxxie and millie he'd never actually try anything with them. ( he's just jealous )

most of his emotion will show in his tail - his true emotions that is. he still can't control himself very well.

why yes i am keeping him emotionally stunted because we all know that he is and quite frankly i understand how he feels way too well.

sure you can date him, but he won't ever tell you he loves you because he's afraid of being hurt again .

please don't touch his horns unless he gives you permission. he can and will shoot you point blank in the gut for it.

Carmilla

demi through and through. she really doesn't even think about anything regarding her own relationships, since she's more worried about her daughters and her work.

probably one of the most sleep deprived honestly. she's always got so much going on it's ridiculous.

yes, she wears those angelic steel pointe shoes everywhere when she leaves her home.

zestial and rosie are the only two that have seen her in her more relaxed state, especially the former.

she can and will adopt any she feels are truly in need of a place to call home, but also show great potential in other areas.

i hc her as a fallen angel - this is something she keeps as a secret from almost everyone.

Niffty

i'd probably put her as straight tbh?? girl and her obsession with bad boys smh...

but idk if she'll really do much, she's got her work cut out for her at the hotel after all

you can take the dagger from the girl, but you can't take every weapon from her at all times no matter what you do

Stolas

i'll only ever write him as separated from stella, and default to the octavia he refers to as my own just for simplicity.

he is pan, and honestly? on the verge of being effectively gender blind - meaning that unless your muse is very obviously displaying as a specific gender he'll default to using more neutral terms in hopes of keeping from offending anyone.

absolute hopeless romantic. nothing and no one will ever be able to change that.

yes, he is on antidepressants.

his relationship with octavia is probably one of the most precious things in his life and he'd do anything to keep her safe and help make her happy. he knows he isn't the best dad, but he's doing what he can to improve for her sake.

i am absolutely open to exploring ships with him that don't involve blitzo. just come talk to me about it.

if you're interested in shipping with any of them, only do so with the knowledge in mind that i may not be keeping any of these muses. there's no guarantee unless i really manage to find i have a strong muse for them in the end.

[wingsmadeforflying]

Vent: Extreme Empathy to Extreme Apathy

Going from being the Mom and Therapist friend, extremely emphatic and sympathetic, helping with emotions, etc. -> has trouble feeling emotions, can't deal with hearing about other people's emotions, feels uncomfortable discussing emotions, etc. Is such. A whiplash.

(below is a vent, it's got nothing to do with anything, just flowing thoughts. Maybe someone will relate, unsure.

Keep scrolling if you don't care/don't relate/whatever! Friendly neighborhood multifandom tumblr account just ranting)

Looking back on myself and wtf I was able to do, being able to talk people down. Now, I can't think of anything to say. I just sit and go emotionless, I process things mechanically and offer advice. I can't just go "It's ok, lean on me, tell me your problems and we'll absorb them together", idk how to do that anymore. I have to give solutions, otherwise why are you coming to me?

Definitely trauma from having that emotional weight put on me. I just wanted my friends alive and not hurting. I'm now incapable of reaching out if it's an obvious ploy to draw people in and ask if they're alright. If I feel it's necessary or I decided I did something wrong and need to comfort them, I'll do that. But if you sit outside crying where I can hear it, or post a vague message on social media, I cannot bring myself to do anything. I'll tip-toe around it. I don't want to be someone's venting tube. All I'm going to get from it is stress and more worry and I don't want nor need that.

I can't talk people down anymore. If someone reaches out personally, I'll try. But I can't promise my emotions won't just. Shut out.

Also coming to terms with not having to be a good person all the time. I can be shitty and make mistakes. I'm human, I'm not a heart of gold machine. Being selfish and putting myself first for my mental health? Not a bad thing. Not putting the weight of the world and people's lives and emotions on my shoulders? Also not a bad thing. Other people's bad feelings are not my problem, I am not their keeper.

I can still feel empathy. But it doesn't come as easy as it used to and that's really scary, but also alleviating, in some ways.

[sweetofsin]

anyway i sent a friend something about themselves and i'm kinda scared they're going to be really upset w me :/ i even told them my fear as well. and i'm sure that they understand why it's warranted

i don't know if they'll take what i say as the truth. if they don't, i'll be kind of worried but it's also really out of my hands. you can't force people to see what you see or desire to change their perceptions.

(i also could be wrong!!! but i don't think i am)

i think i'm kinda freaking out about it bc i've been meaning to talk about it with them for months, and i didn't even share all my full thoughts and emotions behind it. not because i didn't want to, it's just something i want to slowly ease into instead of pouring/dumping it all at once.

i've also been obsessing over it kinda? idk. i think my brain just really doesn't like it when people keep experiencing situations over and over that's so drastic and kind of insane and i can't stop thinking about it and then i just consume so much about it. it happens with systemic issues too. i guess it's a blessing and a curse cause yay i care but also now i can't stop thinking about other peoples problems lol

but as i'm typing this i just realized that it's mainly problems where it is pretty chaotic and drastic. like if it's some simple shit then i don't really care, or at least i'm not obsessing over it. most of my friends experience things but it's not anything consistently bad, so i'm rarely ever thinking about it

but with this friend, we are pretty close and i'm the only person they feel safest with so they share almost everythingggg with me. so i am there through almost every emotional turmoil or experience that they have. and they experience it more extreme than my other friends so i guess it leads to more obsessive thoughts

either way i'm glad i spoke up and said something bc this whole time i've been wondering how to say something for months and my friends were like "you can offer advice and stuff but they also have to venture through this on their own." and i (reluctantly) agreed. but the advice i ended up giving them was just not... like it was fine but i was kind of avoiding just being directly honest about the issue. so now i did, and it's up to them if they choose or decide to take my perspectives into play or not. i'm working on trying to release control so if they do, yay! i gave them some resources so they won't feel burdened :D if they don't... i'll accept but also have to set some boundaries bc i can't keep experiencing intrusive thoughts bc i'm constantly like on the front bench of almost everything they experience in their day to day life

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

TW self harm, suicide/suicidal ideation

venting

I've been relapsing with self harm recently. But I feel like I can't tell anyone (if one of my friends reads this I'm sorry)

I'm like, I should probably talk to my counsellor about this. Because it's more than the usual one-off. But I don't want to be sent to the hospital or something bc I'm a "danger to myself"

Even tho it's really not that bad. It really isn't. I've hardly gone very deep at all. It barely even counts. And whenever I'm done I look at myself and I think, you should've done more, that was barely anything, you deserve more, but I can't bring myself to, and I know I probably should stop. But the thing that matters is the intent and emotions behind it, I know. So that's still there. Even if I feel like it doesn't really count. It feels so stupid though. bc this is a stupid thing I shouldn't be doing anymore. Fuck, it feels cringey. I'm nearing 30. Only teenagers self harm. I shouldn't be doing this. I should be over it by now. Why am I doing it?

(Not to imply that teenagers are stupid, idk how to explain it but it feels kind of like. When you look at yourself from a few months or a few years ago and you cringe bc you've changed so much and have totally different opinions and stuff and wonder, god how was I like that? It's like that)

And I obviously can't tell my parents, and I don't wanna talk to my sister about it because it seems like too much. And I'm worried that any of them (parents and sister) would potentially try to get me in the hospital

And I don't wanna talk to my friends about it bc I. I feel like. Like a negative influence in their lives rn. bc I've been sick. For just about 2 weeks now. And I can't say I'm 100% better bc I still have a little phlegm. And idk I'm probably not contagious anymore but I don't wanna risk it bc of stuff I can't say publicly bc that's their business. But basically I really really don't want to get them sick, I can't. So unless I'm absolutely positively 100% certain that I'm not sick anymore I can't see them. But we had plans. And they kept having to get delayed. And that stressed me out. So much. Because they're waiting on me. And I told them to do it without me but they insisted they'd wait. And I feel shitty for making that happen bc I have a bitch of a cold that just won't fully go away

And I'm stressed about school. I'll definitely need to take this class again if I wanna do honours like I'm thinking of doing. But I'm also starting to wonder if I should even do this shit? Have I been wasting my time? Can I do this shit? I don't know anymore. It feels like it's out of my reach to do this

So I'm taking this class and hardly passing it which has been extremely stressful, dealing with a group project for another class that has been a nightmare and I've been stressed about that and I wish I could've taken the reins and taken initiative on more than I did this semester but I'm just so tired. Of always having to do that. Of always being the one putting in the most care and effort into my group projects. I'm so tired. In general. And I just couldn't do it this time. But now bc I got sick I've been paranoid that it looks like I've been slacking now!! So I'm putting in more effort to make sure my groupmates know that I'm not, to make sure they know I'm contributing, bc there's a peer review aspect to this project and I don't want them to think I'm a lazy asshole bc I couldn't go to the one class shit was probably finally getting organized, I had to sit on the sidelines. And I feel like most of the work I've done for this project has been useless and that's making me even more paranoid

And the stress of all of this. Of thinking I should probably tell someone about the relapsing but feeling like I can't. And about this class I'm gonna have to retake. And this group project. And wondering if I should even be going down the path I'm trying to go down academically and professionally and maybe I should just stay at my current job for the rest of my life even though I hate the working conditions and the workplace culture there. And being stressed ABOUT being sick bc I feel like I'm letting everyone down. And now having to cram a fuckton of schoolwork that I was planning to do over the course of a couple weeks into a few days bc I had multiple days where I did literally nothing in the hopes that resting would help me get over this quicker so I could stop letting everyone down. All of this stress. Is making me even more stressed and frustrated bc I think it's contributing to me STAYING sick. But I can't just make it all go away. I need to do this hw. I'm not ready to talk about the self harm stuff bc I'm scared I'll end up in the hospital and the trajectory I'm on will all go to waste bc I'll lose however much time bc it turns out I'm quite mentally ill actually and need to deal with that before living my goddamn life and making a career for myself. The cold isn't going away and every day it's still there just adds to the stress. I can't do it. I can't

I'm almost tempted to do something really bad that I can't take back. I'm holding out for the good things I know are coming. The Fools Gold kickstarter rewards hopefully shipping out this january. A concert with my friends in february. A concert with my sister december next year. Fuck, idk, Dan and Phil bringing the gaming channel back and doing Dan vs. Phil S2, it's stupid but it can keep me going. But idk if I can hold out for much else rn besides the people I love, even though I don't feel like I'm worth it rn

I feel like a piece of shit and I'm stressed out about so many things that feel like they shouldn't matter but still stress me out

[edengarden]

Hello and if asks are still open may I have a regular match up for BNHA?

Name: Nox

Gender: FTM

Occupation: Student (16 almost 17 yrs old. Jan 4th is b-day)

Sexual orientation: Omniromantic Asexual (male/masculine leaning)

Quirk: Transformative/Mutant, "Zoologic shift" (This quirk allows the individual(s) to transform into multiple animals, but the individual has to have a emotional/special connection or feeling towards the animal and to know it's physical structure to properly shift into the said animal (mythical/made up creatures can be acquired but it is extremely difficult due to the fact of anatomy and bone structure). The user only has a limited time to be in their animal form before they start going feral, if the person is angry or has a different strong negative emotion in animal form, the fast they can become feral (once the user becomes feral they will not remember anything until they have calmed down or are somehow distracted), if the user becomes feral for too long they will not be able to transform back unless they are hurt tremendously or their hatred may take a physical form and eventually kill them from the inside (I guess look at the demons from Princess Mononoke to get an idea of what that is).)

Animals acquired: White Dire wolf, Raven, Orca, Clydesdale, Black Mamba, Barn Owl, Russian Blue House cat, Ram, Fire Dragon, Phoenix, Snake Basalisc

At least 3 positive attributes:

Empathetic (emotional and animal, riots and civil conflict bring me to tears as well as I can feel my friends' pain I and want to cuddle ever dog, cat, etc. I see)

Intelligent (at least in certain subjects like language, art, biology, and physical/hero training), serious (it may come off as intemidation but I just usually mess around)

Diplomacy (I try to avoid any physical fights that can but I will fight as a last resort)

Calm (in most situations I try to keep a level head and it works since when most people need serious help they come to you for advice or to vent)

Justful (kinda speaks for itself)

Soft Blunt and Soft Honest (I am honest with people as well as blunt, but I am not mean or hurtful when I say it)

At least 3 negative attributes:

Anger issues (even though usually calm and serious, when pushed over the edge I can become furious and using my quirk will not help at all)

Self sacrificing (since due to personal circumstances I have started to put other people above me (my friends mostly) and I would do anything, even get myself physically or emotionally hurt for them. It is sorta in a way for having approval for those I care about but mostly is just showing that I care for the people I care about)

Self deprecating with imposter syndrome (it's mostly a form of humor, but I take it far enough where people start to worry)

Dark humor (idk I just like it)

Confrontational (if someone confronts and tries to provoke me I will tell them off but never physically fight back)

Self Righteous (The righteousness is good but usually my self righteousness comes up when it comes to someone's safety or when revenge and anger cloud my judgement)

Children (I don't care for children, but I'm afraid my anger will get the best of me and I'll lash. So that's why I stay away from kids as much as possible for tr he fear of accidentally hurting innocence)

Hahahaha...daddy issues...

Hobby(ies):

Hiking in the woods

Drawing (it's usually vented or dark in some way, but sometimes I like drawing people and animals or characters)

Cosplaying

Cooking

cApTuRinG sOuLs-

Learning about Witchcraft/Supernatural/Celestial

Music Taste:

Lofi

Anti-Nightcore/Nightcore

Viking Chants

Sea Shanties

Celtic instrumentals

Death metal

Instrumental

Old Rock

Classical

Bands/song writers: Skillet, SKÁLD, Faun, Black Briar, MARETU, Steampianist, Temporex, Penelope Scott, Mirical Music, Alice Cooper, Pink Floyd, Angel Maker, Forest Music, Panic! At the Disco, MESA works design, , Harrison (not too much into bands but here are the general ones I listen too)

Appearance

Eyes: Brown/Black has bags under eyes

Hair: Red (henna dyed), it's frizzy at the tips and it's long (cab length) and thick (I hate it's length, but parents...)

Skin: Pale (warm tone)

Body type: In between Skinny and overweight, wide shoulders, actually muscular

Anything else?: Teeth have tiny canines, sometimes can have wolf ears and tail showing, kinda thick thighs-, 5'6ish, usually wearing school uniform. Hero uniform includes a black Cape with under it being a black mechanical suit that is bullet and elemental proof, boots are sharp and steel toed resembling a wolf's paw, wears a head mask that looks wolfish as well in the front but in the back of the mask has fur in the back (look towards some reference of the princess mononoke headgear) (not completely like a wolf but sorta resembles one), the mask also helps with muffled hearing and sight because I am sensitive to those things.

Traits I look for S/O: Empathetic, kind, cooperative, someone who also finds comfort in darkness or the shade, someone that knows how to take things seriously but also having a humors side, trusting and loyal, someone that can work with others (I'm usually a loner but I try to work with others), someone that would at least like to have a relationship that includes physical affection (I am a touched starved peep-), I guess someone that works, likes, or even somehow resembles an animal, some that doesn't get angry easily and is patient, introvert an extrovert doesn't matter to be (I guess if I had to choose maybe someone in between the 2?), and I guess someone that just tolerates my presence and doesn't or call me a piece of shit.

Traits I cannot be around with a S/O: Anger...I can't be around angry people because they scare me to the point I become panicked, people that work towards apathy (I may be empathetic but with someone that can't or won't return the same comfort when needed, they exhaust me), untrusting, someone who is a dick to everyone except me (it just seems suspicious and hurtful), someone who is closed minded, someone that has joy in hurting other maliciously, someone who loves bright lights/areas/lives by the sun, guess someone who wants a 24/7 therapist (again it can become exhausted and I know how it is...it isn'tthat nice.)

Star sign: Capricorn (sun), Gemini (moon), Cancer (rising)

Personality type: INTJ, Lawful Neutral

HP House: Hufflepuff that isn't afraid to kickass

Fun facts!:

I'm somewhat of an animal whisperer

Obsessed with herbs and Crystals

I know it seemed edgy with my hatred towards light, but in all honesty the late does infact bother and irritate me, especially when it's hot

Intrested in the celestial and supernatural

I look at horror and nature documentaries

I've trained my dog to come when I howl

I guess if loving spicy food counts as a fun fact then count that in

Ehhhhh...switch sub-

cAndLe bOi-

I must apologize if this is a lot, I just wanted the matchup as accurate as possible, but again thank you for having the ask box open and I hope you have a good day!

Honestly while I read your description, all I could think of was Tokoyami!

I think it’s pretty obvious why?? You two share a lot of things in common. The two of you are very calm individuals, and I can see you both being voices of reason not only to the people surrounding you, but to each other as well. In a way, I think you can even tend to challenge each other and even push (to a healthy extent) the other to become the best version of themselves.

The VIBE you two have. It’s almost too good. And while Tokoyami isn’t affectionate in public, he’d be more than happy to indulge in your starvation for touch behind closed doors! Don’t tell anyone, but he’s a straight up cuddlebug. And I can totally see him digging the spiritual/celestial stuff?? Maybe he won’t actually know anything, but he’d be so hyped if you were willing to teach him omg I can totally see this as your go-to type of date, that’s so sweet 🥺

Songs!!

- Breathe (In the Air), Pink Floyd (I honestly see you and Tokoyami straight up vibing to Dark Side of the Moon like no other to be honest)

- In the Lap of the Gods, Queen

- Sense of Doubt, David Bowie (THIS VIBE IS SO DARK AND URGH I CAN SEE THIS AS A V I B E FOR YOU TWO - However, Neuköln could be a close second to portray this vibe!)

- Killing a Little Time, David Bowie

[holywankenobi]

SW fandom rant

To be honest, I don't really know how or where can I start talking about this. If you aren't interested in any of the Star Wars drama that is going on then skip this post, cause its gonna be long... these goes for the SW fans we are concerned about the whole situation itself. I barely have the strength to do this and exposing my opinion about certain things makes me uncomfortable but it's been a long while since I'm keeping things to myself. There's much information I have to process so please be patient with me since I barely know how to express my emotions in the right way (that's why I'm holding myself back a lot here: it will seem I'm calm... but I'm not. I'm angry and tired at the same time).

DISNEY CANON

We all know where it all started. The Force Awakens premiere in 2015. We will start from there.

As ANY star wars movie, there will be people who liked it, people who loved it and people who hated it. And there is where some fans clash with the others. Fans who enjoy practically every movie or SW related things and those fans who demonize every movie (specially the ones from the new Disney canon) and the only thing that matters for them are the episodes IV, V, VI and the Legends canon (some of them also defend the prequel episodes I, II and III, fact which I'll talk about it later). And they bash against everyone who likes the Disney sequels.

BOI IM SCARED OF TELLING PEOPLE THIS WAS MY FAVOURITE SAGA SO FAR. And I already had problems with Legends hardcore fans.

Let me tell this straightaway... Star Wars are movies for kids. They've always been. George Lucas said it. They seem to be thirsty for feeling again what they felt when they were kids whenever a SW movie comes out but they always exit the cinema with a feeling of extreme disappointment.

I was talking about the last movie with my co workers at the beginning of the year and they complaint it was "too Disney". And that's precisely what I'm trying to explain! It's ok whether you like the sequels or not like them. Everyone has his own taste. I just find funny complaining for a whole saga originally made for kids for being "too Disney". I dont know if you get my point here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEsOqEpNF0k&list=PL8SlwcJuVWR2FNtL-6Wo5QUP6LMjpNJUA

LEGENDS CANON

Then there's those who hated the prequels, that said there was nothing worse than the phantom menace, those who hated on George Lucas for doing such a crap, but now praise the prequels because Disney is satan for them and they want the old canon back. George Lucas ended up selling SW to Disney because, he ain't no fool, he knows this fanbase is one of the most toxic and ungrateful that has ever existed. And he saw it with the prequels feedback... Then they now have the guts to demand him to continue the old canon? Smells like hypocrite-crying fanboys to me.

My whole point is....It's ok if you are a new/Disney sequels fan, it's ok if you are a prequels fan, it's ok if you are a SW original movies fan, Legends canon fan, OG fan, casual fan, hardcore fan... as always you understand that not everyone will agree with your point of view, not everyone will like or think the same way as you do, or live SW the same way as you do. There's a difference between respecting and agreeing with, concepts which sometimes get mixed and taken as the same thing, which is not. Respect other fans mean "I don't agree with you but I know how much this means for you, so I won't intentionally mock you" WHICH THING LEADS US TO THE NEXT TOPIC:

JOHN BOYEGA

*takes a deep breath*

Man. I dont know. He's a full grown up man and he's behaving like a 5 yo on his social media...... John is the actor who gives life to Finn (the ex stormtrooper). It all started with this sexist comment he responded to a fan in his IG. 

Then people (naturally) got offended, specially reylos. But instead of apologizing he kept on going, remarked what he said and also did a video to mock the reylo community.

You think I'm only defending a ship here but no. Its bigger than that. He has the right to feel left out in this saga because I agree with him IN THAT FACT. He is probably the actor which is more into the SW world, he was always a big fan (of the whole cast I mean). Thats why fans love him do much. And I did love him too. And he (naturally) wanted to have more spotlight on this saga ( I think Finn was one of the most wasted characters of these movies tbh) But instead of taking it the mature way he's having a tantrum on his IG because Finnrey did not become a real thing, he's trolling reylos and encouraging SW haters and antis to bully them whose are already having a hard time with TROS end (which I'll talk about later because I dont like their attitude about it either).

And it's not just raise the hate on shippers thing dude you could just apologize because you said something sexist and offended a lot of people who ship reylo and really means a thing for them. The whole thing that the greatest achievement a man can have with a woman is sex is just DISGUSTING. Rey kissed Ben but now he's gone Finn has the road clear and can fuck her? BRUH.

This is all so wrong and he was the one who started it.

ADAM DRIVER

I'm really relieved Adam does not have any social media because omg I would be suffering so much rn...

I honestly have never emotionally connected with an actor so much as I did with him. His whole acting is so good and I could really notice on this last movie. I'm starting to watch his other movies. And not just his acting, he's so professional off camera too.

I'm really happy and proud of him for his Oscar nomination, he really deserves it TT

But I'm worried this whole John Boyega thing affects him. Idk how I would feel if I were in his shoes, if my coworker was saying those things on social media and then smile at me like nothing is happening. But honestly what hurts me the most is he's having a worse time with "reylos".. I think the rumors of him having an affair with Daisy Ridley was what messed things up. I honestly dont know if its true, I've got some info but it's hard to believe. Because there are so many haters manipulating fake info that I dont trust anything and anyone anymore.

And this is where I talk about:

REYLOS AND DAIVERS

BOI OH BOI

This is gonna be hard....

First of all, I don't consider Daivers (Daisy x Adam shippers) as part of the reylo community. I'm sorry. But its fucking disgusting you going to demand Adam to divorce from his wife, abandon his son and then start dating Daisy because of this rumor or because you can't separate fiction from reality.... I read he even recieved death threats ARE WE NUTS??? They (Adam and Daisy) having a good chemistry working together doesn't mean they are in love, kids...

Driver has an awesome wife and a lovely son. Daisy is currently dating someone.

Infidelity is gross. No more. And I would be so disappointed at them if this turns out to be true. But seeing all what's happening around the actors and specially having all this haters out there... I'll say this was all false information.

Daiver is not real and won't be. So stick only to the fictional ship.....

About Reylo itself. I find REALLY funny how people who dont know shit about what this ship means say it's an abusive relationship. Bullshit. I wouldn't be shipping them if so.

Also the people still stating it's not real/canon hiding themselves behind the "Ben solo is dead lol" argument. Do you stop loving someone when they die?

Yes, they love each other. No, it wasn't always reciprocated love. They started being enemies in the force awakens, friends who understood and cared for each other through force dyad in the last jedi and ended up being lovers at the end of the rise of Skywalker. Rey wants to revenge her family (her falling to the dark side) but also wants Ben Solo back, and he wants to be the most powerful leader on the galaxy and still being kylo ren. But they eventually meet in the middle between light and dark and Leia finally reaches out to him to make him turn to the light.That's their fight. That's the angst. That's the tea. "No one is ever really gone" there's always hope. Star Wars is centered in HOPE. And their story represents it at its finest.

NOW. The reylo community.

Despite you liked it or not the end they gave to the saga... I think JJ Abrams doesn't deserve all the hate he's receiving... he probably did a lot of things wrong but seriously... just stop. Not only from reylos but the whole fandom.

Sending hate won't lead to anything now...

I enjoyed The rise of Skywalker. Indeed I spent half of the movie crying and I loved it.

You can cry as much as you want the loss of Ben (although I have hope for him still being alive in a way, there are plenty of theories) but that doesn't give you the right to death threat JJ. And I think I'll stop here cause I'm already tired.

Everyone has their own taste, preferences, favourite characters, ships, whatever. I pray for people stop judging others for their tastes, specially in this cursed fanbase. Sorry if I ever misbehaved trying to defend what I think or like. I just want this place to be supportive and safe for everyone and everything what's happening is not helping... We are all SW fans and that's our connection point. Dont discredit others for having another point of view...

I'll leave it here, but I'm open to debate or talk about anything I said in a respectful way.

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 32

I really don't want to write this because I am severely avoiding ANY upcoming feelings at the moment, but I'll try.

The last few weeks were very hard and my therapist was on vacation. I moved out of the flat I shared with my ex-partner (who almost-desperately wants to stay friends (with benefits) and writes me text messages every f*ng day) I am exhausted as fff and was so before but even more now, depressed af, I should be studying but no chance buddy, I am extremely scared of being alone with my feelings, I feel like a failure, like I can't do anything right and can't really do anything at all /can't function like other humans do, I also am desperately looking for people to be friends or idk anything with so I can take my mind off of all the thoughts following the feelings, especially the suicidal or self-harm ones.

The beginning of the session was pure chaos and I was talking wildly incongruent and threw in random stuff here and there and couldn't really find words for what I felt in the last weeks, it got a bit better towards the end though. We talked about my current day-to-day emotional rollercoaster and how I am avoiding feelings because I am afraid of being alone in them and drowning in them, even though I have made the experience in the past that nowadays it can be ok for me to sit with my feelings without instantly trying to off myself (still get the urge to do so but I can resist it). I also realised that I feel just as bad as I did when I lived alone in 2018 and had multiple suicide attempts in the time span of a few weeks (attempted to strangle myself which obviously didn't work, then finally bought the pills to off myself and almost offed myself on January 7th in 2018, but decided to try on life one last time a few hours later and went to the ER, where they managed to "save my ''''life'''' " and I got some medical trauma on top haha, yay.

Anyways, I feel just as bad as I did back then, but somehow I am able to resist that stuff a lot better now. I did not even try to kill myself yet in the last few weeks, yes I had suicidal thoughts, a lot actually and sometimes pretty urgent and impulsive ones, but I didn't act on them. I didn't even cut myself, even though I really wanted to sometimes. But I also didn't manage to contact friends so I don't have to be alone with that stuff - my therapist asked me if I really have to be alone with those feelings, I told him I have two friends that already told me I don't have to and that I can call them or sth like that, but I am too afraid to contact them because I already contacted them multiple times in the past and I am scared that this one time might be the one too much and that they would just abandon me then and ultimately leave me alone with the feelings - doesn't make much sense to not contact them at all then (and instead contact F), but yea, thanks brain.

I usually just went to the gym and lifted some amazing weights instead, yes I am hyperfocusing on gym life at the moment and if I could, I'd be in the gym all day everyday, unfortunately human bodies need rest days at some point or otherwise they can't workout anymore or they won't build any muscle mass, which I now realllllyy want to gain. Better to focus on gains than on how fucking stupid my life is and how fucking worthless I am and how it all doesn't make sense and how I am struggling so fucking hard for years now and how I maybe just shouldn't be alive anymore. I don't know. Yea no, I'd rather avoid that right now, worst case scenario is I'll die shredded. Probably looks better in case I have a funeral (ah yes, I also visited a nice graveyard in the city and almost made an appointment to find out if I can be buried there/how much it costs/ how that stuff works. Didn't do that yet and I'm almost sure they will either laugh at me for worrying about that in my age or will worry about why I am thinking so much about my own death. The experience there was kinda weird, I felt like I've been there before and like I knew what way to go etc. I followed some ways I felt I should go and ended up at the children's graveyard - I first didn't even think of small innocent children being buried on a graveyard / dying, because of course there is mainly old people or maybe younger fallen soldiers (which was sad enough), but then I walked where my mind kinda told me to walk and ended up seeing strangely colourful stuff on some graves, walked towards them and saw two young men separately standing there in front of two different graves and obviously being quite depressed and one was maybe even crying. As I approached that place (the way led there) I realised the colourful stuff was toys and colourful decoration and also noticed that the graves weren't even half as big as all the other ones, then it hit me - the two young men weren't in grieve over their dead grandparents or parents, they were probably grieving over their own children.)

Why is it all so hard. Why do I have to struggle so much again or better, why did I even struggle less for quite some time (at least a year and a half)? Maybe I should have less contact to F too, I'm pretty sure it isn't good for me, but I am even more afraid of being one person more alone. It's all too much rn. Maybe I should start reading my book on trauma and violence again. In the last session before my therapist's vacation, I said I didn't want to forget about all that trauma-work stuff and that I felt better and stronger and maybe want to try to approach that field again. I feel way worse now but obviously I'm still pretty strong, so perhaps I could try to somehow tackle that field soon anyway.