#idk i'm just thinkin thoughts.
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still watching manhunt. there's something about seeing black people in shows or movies set in the 1800s. there's this mix of sadness and anger i always feel bc the fucking unfairness makes me sick. and if it's something set the south? then i know that members of my family i'll never know would've experienced that. it would've been All they ever knew.
i always say "i'd hate to live back then" (bc um! i would!!), but i have to remember that they still lived. they had lives, despite the shit they had to endure. at the end of the day, the very fact that i'm alive means that plenty of my black ancestors existed and lived their lives while black in america (the american south, at that). through slavery, emancipation, segregation, integration, and on and on. so idk. i'm sure there were many different things in their lives that made their lives worth living. if nothing else, it was a life. and i doubt they saw their lives as some endless hopeless tribulation.
anyway, manhunt's a good show. got me pondering shit lol.
#idk i'm just thinkin thoughts.#like my mom went through the integration of public schools as a little girl. it's her living memory#and she still has tons of funny and happy stories about growing up#her mom obviously lived her whole life knowing nothing but jim crow in louisiana#and she's got a ton of joyful memories and thinks warmly about many events during her younger years#i dont go 'oh poor them' when they talk about those years bc i dont see them that way#i dont think they viewed their older family members that way either#lots to think about. but if i ever come across a time machine there's many places and periods i'd avoid lol#rambles#manhunt#i specify 'black ancestors' bc like. there's a 0% chance there's no white people up in there. and it's louisiana!#and that region in particular? it'd very mixed up and you can tell#idk what the white frenchies in my family tree were doing during that time. but it doesnt matter bc this ain't about them
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I think as much as free housing for everyone is a good goal, we gotta also fight for the right to not live in a house if you don't want to? Like I am aware that for the vast majority of homeless folks rn it's a non-choice or half-choice under the current system but like. Idk like even if the state provides everyone with an apartment or tiny home, even if most people would take that deal in a heartbeat, it's not okay for the state to force someone into housing they don't want. It's not okay for the state to tow someone's camper van even if they give them an apartment in exchange. I should have the right to travel for months on end and camp anywhere suitable that isn't being used. Freedom of movement and freedom to occupy spaces is really important actually.
#idk this is kind of a half-baked thought but like#been really thinkin about why sweeps and the like are actually violent#and there's the lack of affordable housing at the core of it but like#the more I get to know train kids and anchor outs and vanlifers/rubbertramps the more I'm like#oh it's not just the lack of housing it's that the state is removing autonomy even when people make or adapt their own shelter
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why am i honest to god thinking about writing tspud fanfiction despite not being active in the fandom for several months
#i would tag as tsp but this post doesn't rly have any tsp content other than a mention of the name#we be thinkin of my boy the narrator thos morning#i need to reacquaint myself with the lore before i start spilling my thoughts#just in case i'm remembering things wrong#I doubt its anything very original but ykw#well. maybe its original idk#shea's shenanigans
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ohhhh. i forgot that people used to say michael was getting surgeries in order to look like diana ross. ugh. i don't think there's anything to that but............ugh.
#that's tough#maybe i'm wrong but i get the impression she and michael never really REALLY talked about their situation#which. diana...... maybe she didn't realize how serious it was for him but... idk. she did seem kind of uncomfortable about that#like i feel like she knew he felt a way about her that didn't fit with the maternal relationship#i think it would have been responsible of her to put him in his place if she wasn't interested in that too#which maybe she WAS but felt like it couldn't happen#either way... you know him well you know he's not normal you know he's got weird attachment issues#a lot of this is based on rumors and My Feelings i realize that. i'm just thinkin#i thought jermaine described it in an interesting way. that michael had this 'fascination' with diana#'she was this dream for him... he had this ongoing fascination with her... he loved her'#ok should i go into queer michael speculation mode. well i'm always there lbr#..........so#1. gay men obsessed and fascinated with diana ross. many MANY such cases#2. looking up to her as a mentor and an idol. ik i just said i don't believe the rumors that he was trying to look like her#but that's just. of course that's a persistent rumor#they had similar roles within their groups. ofc michael grew up covering the supremes and even Being diana a j5 skit#huh. michael Becoming one of his older female idols and friends. where have we seen that before#i'm just gonna say .#i have no idea who he truly wanted to be. who he WAS deep inside#but i think he was inspired by a lot of artists especially women and he Did want to emulate them AND he had a natural draw#towards feminine things/expression#no matter how deep or far that went for him i also know that he recognized his privilege in being a male artist#that comment about madonna 'well she's a woman...' which people cite as a moment of misogyny#not at all. that was a moment of putting himself into a woman's shoes and understanding her position and potential jealousy#(i'll defend THAT part of it. the 'witch' comment well there ya go there's your misogyny lol. rest assured!)#whatever i'm not truthing in any way. i love the topic of gender and there's MUCH mj gender discussion to be had
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totally open to correction on this but sometimes i think people try too hard to give shakespeare credit for any feminism that incidentally happens to occur in his work.
#feminist readings of shakespeare are possible of course but to claim it's all intentional is kinda funny to me idk.#again i'm open to change my mind on this i'm just thinkin my thoughts.#ur not inherently a Bad Guy for enjoying the work of someone who wasn't the most staunch feminist of his century#sometimes i feel like claiming Purposeful Feminism is just an easy way out of engaging w shit u enjoy critically.
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//what if i got silly and wrote elias voit from criminal minds
#🚕 ☲☲☲ ✘ what did i say about disturbing the customers ? 【 ooc 】#//I'M NOT GONNA (yet)#//characters from criminal minds i would write tho... garcia and rossi. maybe. idk#//the new seasons make rossi a lil more boring#//like of course you have a 3rd dead wife or whatever LKFDLSAKJKJDSF#//i'm a simple man#//i see a scrawny white serial killer with teenage daughter(s) and lose my mind a lil bit#//idk idk i've been listening to ''c'est la vie'' by weathers and be thinkin thoughts idk idk i just be THINKIN#//that one... huge elias song tbh#//and then i'd be able to laugh with eli that we both write eliases and argue about which elias is cooler#//(it'd be my elias bc my elias has a body count of 61 (or more i'm only on s15e9 so idk))#//and eli's elias has a body count of like. 3 at most
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I did a lot of research for my Scourge fics and let me tell you: Scourge and sonic are more alike than not. And scourge has good qualities that sonic doesnt have.
Honestly the interesting thing about writing Scourge and Sonic is their similarities, and seeing how those similarities differ. Like.... the thing about them is stc!Sonic and Scourge are both jackasses, which makes them have very similar attitudes to write, so finding the more subtle ways they differ is a lot of fun to me. I once got a comment on a fic of mine saying they're both snarky jackasses, but Scourge is notably less concerned with the "greater good" while Sonic obviously cares deeply about his friends and the world he's trying to save, which I think is a very good description, and one I strive to try and portray in my fics (although how much I succeed I could not tell you, I am not a reliable judge of my own writing lol). Their differences, to me, aren't as pronounced as Scourge's differences to, say, Archie Sonic, (although he certainly shares his similarities with them too), but that's what makes finding the differences between them and figuring out how to write those differences so fun
#sonic the hedgehog#scourge the hedgehog#fleetway sonic#stc sonic#asks#sorry dhhfdhjdsf this probably wasn't the response u were expecting to hear but i've been thinkin about this recently#i loveeeeee how scourge and sonic are similar#and i love exploring the differences in those similarities#idk if any of this makes any sense i'm just kinda rambling rn#no thoughts only talking#tldr they are soooooo fun to write
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🖊 for Tyr 👀👀 maybe early Intelligence days thoughts?
Experienced a Thought I've been delaying acknowledging for like a month now??? Probably??? Aaauhhhh that spawned a potential emotion-busting revelation, so I MEANT to talk about this in like, a constructed manner, but then I busted out a fic musing about the latest ping pong ball of a thought to go flying across the room like that scene from the first Men In Black, so uhhhh Merry Crisis with me?!
I'm still rotating this in my head wondering if I really need to add another layer of complexity to Tyr's already botched life, but also: it's real damn good and it hurts me, so, naturally, I'm going to release that upon the world now, too. xD
Anyway. Vague context if you want it: I posted this trying not to chew on this like a stick and go absolutely insane about it, bUT it only encouraged me, so now we have this instead.
x-x-x-x-x-
DECKARD, TYR V.
Keeper stilled as his eyes landed at the top of the next file, the steady hum of air circulators and databanks blending into a yet more quiet background noise. Carding through potential recruits was a lengthy process, even with the rigid requirements of the Intelligence Academy.
Perhaps his wife was right, he considered idly. The long days and dwindling nights had long characterized his career with Intelligence. Surely it was, on some level, partially responsible for a few of the permanent lines dug in across his features and the graying, receding hair. He still hadn’t pinned whether work at the head of Operations division outpaced the weight of being in the field.
Such idle musings would do little to cull the ever-growing list of his responsibilities.
He turned away from the face of the chrono again with a sniff. Briefly, he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed aching eyes. He’d call it soon, but he’d opened this last report, so there was little sense it putting it off further. Academy leadership had urged him to take particular interest in this potential officer.
A frown set a bit further across thinned lips as he read over the name again.
Deckard.
High marks in weapons proficiency, infiltration, negotiation… High marks relatively across the board. Impressive. Very impressive for such a young recruit.
For the moment, he skipped the file attachments. Data first. Early twenties. Successful shadow and support on a wet-foot operation local on Dromund Kaas. Adaptable in the field. Good at taking orders.
Limited connections with family - that would make operations easier long-term.
Deckard. Fairly ranked officer in the Imperial Navy. Marriage to a testy, if moderatly influential Sith Lord some three decades back or so. He remembered the one rather well, had exchanged some mild pleasantries over the engagement… Hot headed, their daughter. She'd be about the age to send to Korriban now, he reckoned, if she hadn't been already.
The son, it seemed, had managed to dodge that ill temperament thus far.
Deckard, Tyr V. Reportedly orphaned by fleet action and charitably raised by the then-Commander Deckard - the officer had been related to the boy’s parents and had taken him rather than pass him off to an impassionate system.
That same piece of action had earned the patriarch a promotion to Captain following, if memory served him correctly.
Keeper drew a hand across his chin. The boy’s discipline and piloting training would have made him a just fit for the Navy to keep, but Academy recruitment had singled him out during early martial skills training.
His fingers hovered - hesitated - over the attached shots from Academy entrance.
Outplayed, or simply mocked by whatever forces were or were not at work in this wretched galaxy, Keeper mused with a scowl threatening his lips. A Watcher or three were always fond of telling him it’d make those lines around his eyes more permanent - a sentiment the wife often echoed.
That was the bloody thing about Ciphers - they were damn difficult to truly eliminate. Silent fingerprints left across the galaxy despite retirement or reassignment or even gross and utter failure.
Keeper closed the file and dimmed the lights in his office before he leaned back in his chair and released a long, bone-deep sigh slowly, hands steepling to touch fingertips to his forehead.
He was all but the top of his class - strong potential to be an absolute asset to Operations. An opportunity that couldn’t be passed up in a right mind.
Particularly with whispers that the military was still probing for weaknesses along Republic lines, they could ill-afford to be short-staffed. The… competitive nature of their Empire always bred opportunity. The grass was tall and there were vipers aplenty.
Duty seemed to remove the choice in the matter.
He opened his eyes and leaned forward. They had a number of sensitive operations that would need delicate, well-trained hands coming up. He’d examine this latest grouping of operatives personally, he decided.
That would show him painfully well just how much a son would manage to follow a father. Even as well-removed from a Cipher’s imprint as had been affordable by the circumstances.
He picked up the datapad once more, finished off the approval for the select few that would be moving forward to finalize their training and transition into active service. Then he stood and prepared to head home, but not before lingering a few moments longer over that last file.
He should have sent the boy much farther than Dromund Kaas.
A moot point and an ill-advised longing now, he reasoned as a finger brushed the edges of the screen. Whether or not it would’ve saved the boy from Intelligence, they’d never know now.
At the absolute least, he’d avoid mentioning this to the wife. For now. Their illustrious Emperor, even in sleep, knew she worried plenty enough as it was.
#answered#dot words#ch: tyr#i'm going insane chewing on this like a stick i found in the yard#send help idk if i can deal with the implications of this thought bUT HERE WE GO ANYWAY#smth smth maybe we've all been thinkin it maybe we haven't dot gif#what if father-son jokes but i take out the joke part#and also what if i still never let them fully communicate it#what if nine but literally his son [gunshot]#brb going to curl up in the corner of my room and tell myself yo bro check out how hard i can CRY#anyway fun fact the hardest part about writing this was confronting that i never gave tyr a middle name#do not ask me what it is i eventually gave up so i could just work on the rest of this in PEACE lmao#or what passes for it. this is NOT a peace bringing idea.#swtor fanfiction
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and when i npc / oc-ify jeremy fitzgerald what then huh
#OF COURSE i would still write w other people's but oooo i'm thinkin about it#ooooohhh im spinnin it around in my MIND#technically i oc-ify EVERYONE in my mind it's the curse of having timeline/long fic ideas#but i could officially do this . it's been in the plans for months actually LMAO#idk if it would go anywhere but my head and mentioned with some people but i just. Thoughts#/was that the bite of 87/#⁂ ・゚: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc
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We need more goth final girls.
#who better to survive a horror film than those who are familiar with the genre?#who are familiar and intrigued by death blood and all things morbid?#wouldn't it be an interesting dynamic?#the killer and the goth final girl#so much alike but so different in such key ways#idk#i'm just thinkin thoughts#ace rambles#i feel like there's untapped potential here
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thinkin about.... how link has historically been left handed in the series, and how left handed swordsmen are typically seen as having a slight advantage over their opponents........ and how botw link is NOT left handed ( for some reason ) but but but buuuuut REVALI is.
#yes swordfighting and archery are different#but i think theres smth fascinating about how botw link lost this trait for no discernable reason while his narrative foil GAINED it#also we know revali fights with a sword sometimes too since he apparently had one vs windblight in the champions ballad dlc#so it still stands#idk i'm just thinkin thoughts
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i love nimona
#i'm going 2 ramble here in the tags ok. okay? ok#god. look. i went into this movie thinking 'yeah yeah obv trans allegory woohoo' thinkin that's great! but#idk. i thought it would be something that could be brushed aside or sanitized easily maybe. y'know? like passed off as another kids movie#and i thought maybe other trans folks could relate 2 the movie and i was like ok that's cool let's watch it and. it was just#that one scene.#everyone talked abt how they cried and how it really Hit and i didn't get it until then#at the statue#i cried. a lot. and i never do that w media and i don't mean that to be edgy or whatever kssdfkjg but just#oh fuck#they Get It#that part. it reached into my soul and grabbed that core part of me and Tugged.#it Hurt and i felt it. the exhaustion. ready to give up. the cry nimona let out. i cried because i got it. and then i cried harder because#i'd give anything for a ballister in my life#my thoughts are 'they got us in the second half ngl' basically KSDJHFKSJDHFKSD#first half of the movie? great! but second half? oh. oh it punches u in the face over and over and gets better and better#it's so. SO good. god. i don't know when everything clicked 4 me i don't think it was a singular moment but. man. oh man#i need to rewatch that immediately#instantly a favorite. shit#it's so unapologetically nimona. it's so Itself and it's not sorry and i love it and it feels so special and i'm holding it so close#there's 2 much to gush about in these tags there's not enough space but just know. i am Insane about this#sap says#god. fuck
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every day I want to cover the last tattoo I got more & more cause God forbid someone think I got it cause of a certain fandom..................
#I just literally don't know how to approach that subject w/an artist like heyyyy!#you did a tattoo. on my body. and now! I want it covered up by something else!#like. the thought alone makes me want to vomit until I die#it's not the quality of the work! it's just 🥴 I just want it to be covered up with another kitty tattoo at this point#I know this is a subject I COULD talk abt w/my artist he's a HELLA chill guy idk I don't think he'd be upset?#but it's just like OMG such a THING you know? like FCK.#but I also feel like tattoo artists are more.... understanding of like hey! bodily autonomy! we all make choices! and sometimes!#we wanna change em!#idk idk idk idk been having LOTS of thoughts for LOTS of months#I just wish I knew like..... what the reception would be if I asked abt it cause I REALLY like my artist I REALLY like the shop#and it's not like it's HIS own *original* art I want covered#idk man idk I got other tattoos I don't LOVE but they're on my back so no one ever sees em#IDK IDK IDK I LITERALLY MAKE MYSELF SICK TO MY STOMACH AGONIZING OVER THIS#I don't want my artist to hate me but I kinda do really want this one covered up with something else so bad that#I've already planned out what I'd want covering it....... like that's a bad way to feel abt a tattoo right?#literally feel like I'm gonna hurl up my cereal now thinkin abt it hahahahha 🥴😖😟😔🤢😵💫☹️#erin explains it all
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for immersion(TM) purposes i've only played the yakuza games with english dubs as an option in japanese, but ichi's english va is so cute and was almost enough for me to make the change on my first playthrough. couldn't do it in the end though smth about it just doesn't click with me. they're so super talented though and i always frown when i see like ... actual hate ?? it's so strange to me.
i get not wanting to consume foreign media with english dubbing, especially in yakuza when they still keep honorifics (i know some people think it's odd hearing someone in english say terms like 'arakawa-san', though i can't say 'mr. arakawa' sounds much better imo)
but im glad you don't think it's bad ! that's the least i can ask for tbh :)
#snap chats#there are also people who just have an elitist attitude to putting things in japanese#couldnt tell you why but w/e#if i thought hard i probably could but i aint thinkin bro im tryna write tom tittery in the tab next door#but back on topic im not gonna lie i stopped playing Y0 cause i got tired of reading 💀#'snap youre such an american' stop insulting me 😭 I'VE GOTTEN BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE#i really aint got no excuse for it i was just tired of reading instead of just being able to listen#idk being able to understand what theyre saying and hearing it delivered in a way i know which words or emphasized#that just makes it nice for me like Shoot Me Down Officer i'm not fluent in japanese#not that i cant grasp emotional deliveries in japanese tho dont get it twisted but i just like being able to Understand understand
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adhd adventuring researching spirits for nerd reasons, finding that a number of closely related anise-based spirits are traditional to the mediterranean and middle east; thinkin about how in tes lore moonsugar is a regular part of the traditional khajiiti diet but apparently skooma was invented by dunmer and combines a spirit distilled from moonsugar with nightshade, which is a poison; thinkin about how the thing that sets absinthe apart and gives it its (false) reputation as psychoactive is the addition of wormwood, which is a poison
#I HAVE CONNECTED THE DOTS. I'VE CONNECTED THEM#this is incomprehensibly written I'm just excited by the lines I'm finding it possible to draw between things#... THINKIN ABOUT I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT MOONSUGAR SHOULD HAVE A UNIQUE FLAVOR PROFILE LIKE MOST NATURAL SWEET SUBSTANCES DO#AND HAVE THOUGHT 'IDK LIKE STEVIA MAYBE' WHICH I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT HAS KIND OF A LICORICE TASTE--#THE DOTS. CONNECTED THEM#apparently moonsugar is a cane sugar but it has an anise-like flavor I just decided#like a more technically appropriate analogue for a spirit distilled from moonsugar would be something like rum#anyway absinthe is a thematically appropriate real-world analogue for skooma hashtag confirmed#about me#potions
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...then I remember all the things I'm scared of again
#doll#idk why i keep thinkin about it now when it's been so long but#back when i was still just his toy n my wings were new he#i mean he'd always be touching em so much i felt like he liked em more than the rest of me#n that one time i was lyin down n he was stroking em n talkin about how much he likes that i'd let him do anything he wanted to me#that if he wanted to he could take the knife n cut off my wings n i'd let him#even though he knows how important they are to me#.....he said he wouldn't cause he likes me w/ em too much but. i was so scared for so long that he'd actually do it#he was always doin that. talkin about all the things he could do to us if he wanted to. liked watchin the reactions i guess.#i'm not sure when he stopped gettin off on it when i'd get scared or cry. though now i'm wondering if he ever actually did#so many times he told me he doesn't want that w/ me anymore#that he wants me happy n that even the sex is different cause it's not about the power w/ me n he wants me to like it too#but. what if that was a lie too?#rn i feel like if he told me he wants things back like they used to be n for me to be that mindless doll again i'd. probably do it#though i'm not sure if i could make myself that anymore. i could try but i might be too aware now#can't just shut off my brain like i used to#i wish i could just go to him n he'd make it all ok again but. idk how to trust it anymore. idk how to trust him#i feel so damn stupid for the way i used to#everyone tried to warn me n i knew better i always knew he's a killer n a user but i just. i rly thought i was special i guess#i love him so much but i don't understand anything anymore#spdrvent
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