#idk i'm just feeling really old all of a sudden and i'm not even 25 yet

[roseverdict]

feels weird to go looking for micro SD cards and know i don't actually need something with more than like 8 gigs of memory for what i'm thinking about doing but trying to find anything smaller than 64 gigs is like looking for a needle in a haystack. is this how my mom felt when i was a kid and bugged her to buy a Cool Flash Drive with a whole gigabyte of memory on it? is this how people just a few years older than me felt when gigabytes became the "standard" measurement, with terabytes being "only for BUCKWILD MASSIVE use cases" and megabytes being "nobody makes these anymore, why would they"?

[trans-advice]

(sorry this is so long) i’m not sure where to go from here. i’m 25 years old. i’ve been trying to figure out my gender identity for several years now. this all started when i tried binding on a whim (i’m afab) and felt so euphoric, idk how to even describe it in words. from 2017-early 2020 i thought for sure that i was a trans man. i was out online with a different name & he/him pronouns, i wore a binder everyday, i dressed in a masculine way, etc. eventually, i was even able to express the feminine parts of my personality without feeling invalid. there were stretches of time, especially early on, when i’d back out mentally & re-enter the closet & try to live as a woman. but eventually it settled, and for the entirety of 2019 i was fully determined to transition medically & come out to everyone once i was able to move out of my mormon parents’ house. but then i suffered through a sudden major personal tragedy in late 2019, followed by the pandemic in 2020, and basically i dropped the entire trans dream between those two events, in probably like february 2020. i developed agoraphobia as well. on top of all of that, i’m autistic, so all this change has been really hard on my brain. since then, i’ve been on this rollercoaster where for a few weeks i’ll try to live happily as a woman, then cave and live as a man, and so on and so forth. it’s driving me nuts. i finally confided in my therapist about my gender stuff, because it’s really affecting my agoraphobia recovery progress, and she officially diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. she firmly believes i need to accept myself, whoever that is, but i don’t know how. there are real moments when i’m ok being a woman. it can be fun to shop for pretty clothes (though they’re usually stuffed to the back of my closet immediately) & have girl talk with my younger sisters. and it’s hard to imagine myself as an old man. but it’s also hard to imagine myself as a mom rather than a dad. i don’t know. maybe i’m so scared my religious conservative family will abandon me if i transition? and maybe the loss i experienced a couple years ago was so awful i’m scared for it to happen again? or what if i’m not trans but just some sort of androgynous woman with internalized misogyny. help?

I'm not sure about how agoraphobia works. Readers if you have any feedback on agoraphobia please share it!

Yeah, I think it's more like you need a better support network that will accept you if you transition into being a man. Like I think you need to have some preparation for abandonment by your religious conservative family.

Even worse, I would be worried about them giving conversion torture under the labels of "conversion therapy" & "religious apologetics". So in case you're facing that, I'd seek out some pro-lgbtqia+ religious apologetics, not necessarily to deprogram them, but to help fight the gaslighting that comes with anti-lgbtqia+.

You already said that you were very okay with being an androgynous man, so I don't think it's a matter of you somehow being an androgynous woman with self-hatred.

Since we live in a patriarchal misogynist/transmisogynist/transandrophobic society, I would look into trans-affirming feminist information so that you can get a better grip on what misogyny is when people try to gas light you like that.)

As for the enjoying the girl talk, are you sure that's not just enjoying talking with others? Also defining "girliness" can vary from group to group, so I would make sure to look into how that's being defined.

Have you applied for health insurance like Medicaid or Obamacare (affordable care act)? Because you're getting to age 26, so you're going to need your own insurance most likely. Like that would help with preparing to be either abandoned or more independent of your parents.

I'm not sure how much of my transition strategies will apply to your situation & what's available by you. I know in my transition before the pandemic, I basically relied on getting my things organized with a therapist at a therapy office in person because I was not safe from domestic violence when I would talk about my gender issues on the phone. Like I would have to go outside & walk around & find free of charge spaces in order to avoid the people I lived with as much as possible. I had to get a public transit pass in order to get to places without having to be at the mercy of people to drive me.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[gayoongles]

I wrote the first chapter to a fic I'm working on!

Title: I Just Want You To Love Me Pairing: Brallon (Dallon Weekes/Brendon Urie) Rating: NC-17 POV: Brendon, 3rd  Eras: IDK Dallon and Pretty. Odd. Brendon Summary: Brendon has been in love with his lifelong best friend since High School, but when he confesses his feelings, will it tear their friendship apart, or will Dallon feel the same way? College AU where Brendon and Dallon are both professors. Brendon is 23 and Dallon is 25

Chapter 1

It’s the last week of winter break. The second semester of the school year will be starting soon, but Brendon can’t even think about that right now, because he’s busy thinking about how it feels to be engulfed by the body heat emitting from his best friend, who’s sitting shoulder to shoulder next to him on the couch. They’re sitting in silence together, watching some random drama that was on TV. Brendon doesn’t like drama movies, they’re more of Dallon’s cup of tea, but he’s not really paying attention to the movie anyway.

Dallon shifts. Brendon assumes it’s to get in a more comfortable position, but now Dallon’s thigh is pressed against Brendon’s, and he’s sure that they only way they could possibly get closer is if they were literally on top of each other. Brendon holds his breath, trying to get his thoughts under control, before letting out a small, audible breath.

Dallon turns his head to face Brendon, speaking for the first time since the movie started, “You okay, B?”

Brendon opens and closes his mouth once, unsure of what to say. “Yeah, I’m good. Just bored is all.” He says in a joking tone after a moment of hesitation, sending a small smile Dallon’s way to let the other man know he’s not being serious.

Dallon smiles back, “D’you wanna do something else, then? I’m starting to get stiff from sitting for so long, anyway.”

“Um, yeah sure. What else could we do?” Brendon asks, standing up to stretch, letting out a yawn.

The older man all but jumps to his feet, sending Brendon the lopsided grin that he fell in love with in High School.

Brendon’s heart skips a beat.

“We should build a fort!”

“A fort? Are we 10 again Dal?” Brendon lets out a laugh and shakes his head.

Dallon pouts, “Please, Bren?” he says, drawing out the “please” for longer than necessary.

Brendon smiles in disbelief and amusement at his 25-year-old friend’s whining, “Sure, D, we can build a fort. 

“Yayyy!” Dallon runs forward and pulls Brendon into a quick hug and then runs off to get the pillows and blankets that they’ll need.

Brendon grins after him in adoration.

Dallon comes back moments later with everything they need and dumps it all onto the floor in front of Brendon.

“So where should we start?” Brendon asks while picking up one of the sheets.

Dallon starts giving Brendon instructions, and within 10 minutes, the two boys had finished setting up their fort.

They sat cross-legged in front of each other in awkward silence until Brendon speaks up, “Soooo, what now?”

“I’m not sure.” Dallon says after a moment of hesitation. “We could play truth or dare, like we’re in High School all over again.”

Brendon huffs, “Why would I wanna pretend I’m in High School again? It sucked for me.”

“Come onnnn Bren, it can’t have been that bad.”

“You were there with me, Dallon. You know how bad it was for me.”

Dallon sighs, “Finee, we don’t have to pretend like we’re in High School again, but I do wanna play. I’ll even invite Spence over.” He gives Brendon the puppy dog eyes, knowing the younger man can’t resist them.

“Okay, but only because I haven’t seen Spencer in months.”

Dallon sends Brendon the same damn grin as before, butterflies erupting in his stomach again at the sight, and Dallon takes out his phone to call Spencer.

A few minutes of hearing the one-sided conversation later, and Dallon hangs up, “He’s on his way!”

Brendon smiles. 

They sit in silence until they hear a knock on the door, and Brendon immediately runs to the door, opening it and pulling Spencer into a hug before he even has time to say ‘Hello.’

Spencer laughs and hugs Brendon back, “Good to see you too buddy. I’d love to talk and catch up but can we go inside and do it, it’s cold as hell out here.”

Brendon pulls away and rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, “Sorry, yes, let’s go inside.”

They walk in and Spencer closes the door behind him, hugging Dallon too and saying hello before taking his jacket off, “So what’s up with the fort?”

“Oh, that was Dallon’s idea. We’re gonna play T or D too, that’s why we invited you over; and also, because we missed you.” Brendon laughs.

Spencer gives a sound of approval and the three men squeeze in the fort. It’s a lot more cramped than it was when it was just Brendon and Dallon, but thankfully Spencer is wedged in between them.

“Who wants to start?” Dallon asks.

“I will.” Brendon says. “Dallon, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Lamee.” Spencer interjects

Brendon shushes Spencer and turns to Dallon, “What’s the first thing you’d do if you woke up as a girl?”

“Hmm, I’d probably have sex with one of my straight guy friends and then tell them it’s me afterwards to watch them freak out.” Dallon and Spencer laugh.

Brendon’s jaw drops and he shakes his head in silent laughter, “You’re unbelievable Dallon Weekes.”

Dallon shrugs and grins smugly, “Spence, truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Go to the neighbor’s house in your underwear and ask if they have a spare condom.”

Spencer blushes, “Dallon, come on.”

“Ya gotta do it buddy.” Brendon adds.

Spencer and sighs and takes off his pants and shirt, “Can one of you at least do it with me?”

Brendon looks to Dallon and when the older man shakes his head, he sighs, “I’ll go with you Spence, but you have to do all the talking. Brendon takes of his shirt and pants as well. He avoids Dallon’s eyes because he doesn’t wanna see that he’s avoiding looking at Brendon.

Brendon messes up both his and Spencer’s hair and bites his (own) bottom lip to make it red and swollen looking, explaining that it would look more genuine that way.

They walk outside and as they get closer to the door, Brendon attaches himself to Spencer’s side.

Spencer knocks on the door.

The woman that lives there opens the door and gives a surprised look at the two nearly naked men in front of her, “U-um, sorry to bother you ma’am...” Spencer starts.

Brendon leans closer to Spencer and bites his earlobe softly, “Come on baby, stop taking so long.”

Spencer chokes and his cheeks turn bright red, “D-Do you have any spare condoms?” He blurts out quickly.

The woman nods, her eyes wide, and rushes inside, coming back to the doorway and thrusting a condom into Spencer’s hand.

Brendon pulls Spencer back towards their house and Spencer stutters out a “Thank You” as the neighbor closes her door.

Brendon lets go of Spencer’s hand when he hears the door slam shut and begins laughing. He looks at the door he’s walking towards and his laughter dies though, his expression confused as he notices the scowl on Dallon’s face.

Brendon frowns and walks up to Dallon, “You okay buddy?”

Dallon seems to snap out of his trance-like state when he hears Brendon speak, his expression becoming unreadable, “Nothing, I’m fine. Put clothes on and let’s continue.” He walks back inside.

Brendon wonders why Dallon is so snappy all of a sudden, but he sighs and lets it go, walking inside with Spencer trailing behind and the two men put their clothes back on.

Dallon is already sitting in the fort again, so Brendon and Spencer sit down in their previous spots too.

“Dallon, truth or dare?” Spencer asks.

“Truth.”

“What’s the most embarrassing kink that you have?”

Dallon groans and hesitates to think about his answer, “Um, it’s a tie between my public sex kink and being tied up and/or blindfolded.” He blushes.

Brendon gulps and closes his eyes, immediately thinking about Dallon’s hands tied to his bedpost, naked and writhing around underneath Brendon.

He lets out an inaudible, but shaky breath and adjusts his position subtly in order to hide his growing erection.

“Brendon, truth or dare?” Dallon asks, shocking Brendon out of his fantasy.

“Umm, truth please.” Brendon manages to get out.

“Biggest turn-on?”

Brendon nearly groans at just the mention of being turned on, and shifts once again, “moaning.” He finally gets out.

“Hey, you good man?” Spencer looks at Brendon concerned, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Dallon glances his way too.

Brendon swallows, “Yeah, yeah I’m good.” He takes a deep breath, “I’m out of ideas though, someone else can ask.”

Spencer shrugs, “Brendon, truth or dare?”

Brendon knows he might regret it, but the word spills out of his mouth before he can even think, “Dare.”

Spencer gives Brendon a knowing smirk, “Kiss the most attractive person in this room.”

Brendon pales as soon as he hears the word kiss, “I-I have to go.” He can’t hear anything over the beating of his heart as he runs out of the fort and out of Dallon’s house.

He assumes Dallon is calling after him but he doesn’t turn back to check.

He gets into his car and pulls out of the driveway, racing back to his house.

When he gets back home, he strips down and gets into the shower, turning the faucet to cold and shivering under the stream of water until his erection has gone down.

He cries himself to sleep that night.

A/N: This isn't my best work, but I edited this at 11:00pm and I'm tired as hell. I just wanted to get it up before I forgot. Leave me suggestions of what y’all want to happen (I have a slight idea in my head but could use some other suggestions to help!) or give me some pointers or tips or something. Hope y’all enjoyed Chapter 1 of ‘I Just Want You To Love Me.’