#idk i’m having a hard time with recovery bc it never seems like anything is happening as far as me getting better

[gregmarriage]

anyways, i’m getting emotional about the people i love. fun night

[targentis]

- What's your favorite character arc?

- What's your favorite details you noticed about the game?

- What's your favorite character design?

- Do you have any hcs/things you'd like about less popular characters ( the church staff, students like Raphael or Caspar, random npc )

- Idk if you particularly care about shipping, but do you have any rarepair? ( Ok, tbh that one is because of your Rodrigue fic because it was delightful. And because I saw you liked Ferdinand/Dimitri- )

- Do you have any hcs around the characters family? ( This one might also be because of your Rodrigue fic- )

- ALSO is there any platonic dynamic, especially less popular, that you care about?

- Group dynamic too! I'm pretty sure your favorite is the blue lions, but is there anything particular you enjoy/notice about the houses? ( including the Church staff! And it can consider recruits too, as well as either pre or post time-skip )

- This one is a bit cheessy but is there any song you associate with three houses in some way?

( Sorry I know it looks a bit like an interview, feel free to only answer the question you want! And I might not like/reblog your answer bc I'm shy but I'll garantee you that I will have read it! Thanks you if you decided to answer :) )

wowa sure i’ll answer all these why not HDSNDJSN

gotta say dimitri has my favorite character arc 💪💪💥💥💥💥🔥🔥🔥👆👆👆 they literally gave him a trauma recovery arc and it wasn’t even bad. we love the psychotic rep in this game 💪💪💪💪 the healing 💥💥💥💥💥💥 the sexy also 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

THE FACT THAT YOU CAN JUST. WALK AROUND ON BATTLE MAPS TO EXPLORE THEM. I’M STILL NOT OVER THIS, THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO DO ALL THAT, AND YET…

oogh. this is a Hard One. all the character design in this game slaps so hard. i’ll probably have to say post timeskip Edelgard takes the cake for me though because like…that headdress…the gravitas of the whole getup…never seen anything like it before

I LOVE CORNELIA 💥💥💥💥💥💥 i know i already talked about my trans headcanon for her but like genuinely…..she is so fascinating to me…what is trans Agarthan culture like…one must wonder…

LMAO the Rodrigue fic was a commission but i am a Rodriguela supporter forever 🫡🫡🫡 other than that yeah i like Diminand (but i’m a Cymitri truther and Yes this counts as a rarepair to me), Ashelix, whatever Ferdinand and Felix is called but Specifically as exes…i think that’s it off the top of my head. i also ship Cornelia with Valter from Sacred Stones but that’s a whole nother can of worms

OUUUU tbh i think All of my family hcs came out in that one Felix fic that everyone sleeps on HDBSBDJS i just i just i love thinking about Glenn……..and what would happen if Felix just went to therapy ONCE……… Rodrigue is a good father idc what anyone says

yes i think we were robbed of Claude and Hubert supports and i’ll die on this hill. they would have been such incredible worsties. i also really like Lorenz and Ferdinand as the most insufferable friends on the planet. and Annette and Dimitri have such cute supports that i never hear anyone talk about…faerghus four my ass, Annette is Dimitri’s REAL sibling figure ‼️ speaking of the faerghus four i hate that dynamic. Dedue and Dimitri have thee most beautiful friendship and ppl want me to believe he has a comparable relationship with the snotty rich kids he grew up with? get real. that being said Felix and Sylvain have that Exact lasting childhood bond that everyone seems to want Dimitri to have with the rest of them so. i like those two as besties i have a lot of feelings about that.

its so interesting that the Blue Lions come off as my favorite group dynamic because like…i gotta say they’re probably my least favorite as a group AKDKSNSKSA i LOVE the Black Eagles for this. (i am totally neutral on the Golden Deer. i have like zero opinions on them and i am sorry 😔) specifically though i think what gets me about the Black Eagles is that they have this…communal vibe, i guess? it makes it easy to imagine them all like hanging out with each other even though they all have such STRONG personalities. the Blue Lions…i just get the sense that they’re not all very compatible with each other if that makes sense??? it feels like i’m at an awkward family dinner every time i see them all together. it could just be that i like almost all the BE whereas there are quite a few BL i strongly dislike HHDBWNDN because recruiting my faves makes this less unbearable. also i fucking love the church staff…i especially love how supportive all the professors are of each other, and how Byleth really feels like they have a community around them while working at Garreg Mach… Gatekeeper i love you………

yes i do actually and it’s PVP by Amaranthe. i don’t actually know WHY that song makes me think of this game, the lyrics aren’t really applicable, but i have such a vivid animatic in my head every time i hear it so there you have it.

[diffenbachiae]

hi lizzie. do you have any advice for someone who is very much not on their own side

yes!!! for me it was 3 separate pieces all kind of coming together over the course of the past few years. the first 18 years of my life were a long stretch of ‘if i can just make it to adulthood and out of this house it’ll all be okay’ and once i made it i was very quickly realizing that everything was not, in fact, okay. some of this might not be as relevant for you if you aren’t someone with c-ptsd but for me this is what helped!!

1) If everyone else is a person, you have to be a person too. Things that apply to all people must be true for you as well.

that’s where I had to start because that’s where my self-esteem was- it was really hard for me to convince myself that i deserved to eat, let alone that i deserved friendship, love, or affection. i would have myself come up with Rules for All People. all people deserve enough food to fuel their body. all people have inherent worth without needing to prove anything. all people deserve friends who treat them well. this really helped me confront the hypocrisy in my own brain and helped me see how flawed my own perspective of myself is- it’s really hard for me to think of myself as a person automatically and it’s much easier for me to come up with things i think are true for all humans and then logically i Must be part of that group.

2) Nothing will get better unless you try / you have to trust yourself.

dude i wasn’t even trying for such a long time. i think that a big part of this was my obsession with rescue/found family stories as a kid- i expected a safe loving adult to swoop in and save me and teach me how to be a person and obviously that never happened, but i didn’t realize the fantasy persisted. i wanted my friends to let me tearfully confess my childhood and have that magically make it better, i wanted a picture-perfect significant other to scoop me into their arms and erase my childhood… this isn’t to say that talking about your loved ones with your feelings doesn’t improve things, but that mental health recovery has to be an individual journey at the end of the day. you have to want to get better and work at it. part of this for me was working on not lying to myself. i would think ‘it’s okay that i’m laying in bed for 12 straight hours today, i’ll get up and clean tomorrow’ all while knowing full well i wasn’t gonna fuckin do that for a second. it was always tomorrow, next week, next year, things will be different, but then i wouldn’t take any action to make things different. i started to practice telling myself i would do things and following through. this feels really silly to type out bc it sounds so simple but self-discipline was one of the biggest skills i was lacking and teaching myself it has made a HUGE difference. it’s really hard to learn how to make yourself do things you don’t want to do but if you start small and ramp up it’s way easier.

3) You’re allowed to have fun.

everyone in this goddamn world will try and convince you you can’t have fun and it makes it so hard to stay on your own team. shame is a really powerful weapon of control and it’s so easy to start to internalize it until you feel guilty about EVERYTHING. guilt about eating food, what kind of food, if it was too much food… guilt about rest, about oversleeping, about productivity… idk i feel like there’s a million rules to follow about what my life ‘should’ look like and none of them seem quite that focused on the enjoyment of that life. i started to try and practice looking at my choices with less judgement and more focus on enjoyment. sure i can spend five hours on tiktok and then tell myself i’m lazy and terrible because of it but that doesn’t actually do or solve anything- i’m beating myself up because i feel like i should. what’s more useful is to think ‘did i enjoy that time genuinely? do i even remember any of the videos i watched? did i do that because i get joy out of it or because it’s easier than being bored?’ tiktok is my example because it’s the app i most easily fall into using out of habit and not enjoyment, but i also genuinely really enjoy tiktok when i use it in a specific way (crochet inspo, rewatching my favorite covers of songs… instead of just the FYP)

this ended up being really long rip i hope it’s useful to you anon!!!! please keep in mind i’m not a mental health expert of any kind i am just someone who is too poor to afford therapy and has spent countless hours reading books and online resources in an attempt to not feel like a pit of sadness on a day to day basis lol. please feel free to send me more asks or message me if you want to talk more (this goes for anyone reading this as well!!!!!) ✨💖💖

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[shotorozu]

“you didn’t think getting a classmate thrown at you would cause you to choke in silence— and by some miracle, todoroki is the first one to catch on.”

legend : [Y/N = your name] f!reader with they/them pronouns, all might’s daughter reader, reader has a telekinesis quirk

warnings : swearing because of bakugou, choking, if you ever hit your windpipe and you start choking, get help right away!

notes : i’m trying a new format for fics! (and drabbles) idk why i’m going on a todoroki dump lately, it’s his birthday after all. ALSO I WAS ALMOST DONE BUT GRRR TUMBLR RELOADED. i was so mad lol. so i don’t really like this but DONT WORRY!! i’m making another fic.

»»————-　♡　————-«

It’s been almost 4 months since your first year at UA had started, and you’d think by now— you would’ve gotten used to all the hectic things that had to come.

Nope, not in the slightest bit.

Though you do love the class, and you enjoy being around them since they all seem like nice people, (minus one person) the class itself goes haywire with their frenzied energies.

Sometimes you wonder if you’re able to keep up with them, since they all have such excentric and unique personalities. They somehow manage to keep the room’s atmosphere lifted up with their voices, that are accompanied by lighthearted jokes.

But today, it seemed to be out of your favor.

You’re in your seat, recalling what your father— All Might, had said about your progression, and how he planned on helping you work with your quirk more.

Needless to say, you’re quite delighted to hear that your father wants to pay more attention to you, since he was mostly just focusing on Midoriya.

But your train of thought is cut short when you see Mineta fly towards your way, practically knocking into your entire front, and jamming into your windpipe— as it bounces from you and towards the wall.

“Damn grape fruit, learn some fucking decency for once,” You can hear Bakugou call out to him, and you can assume it was him that decided to throw your classmate at you

“Sorry, Y/N!” Kirishima calls out to you, noticing how his hot headed friend chucked the short, and purple haired classmate towards your direction.

You try to play it off cool, since you can’t even be mad. Even though Bakugou’s quite a spiteful person, he probably didn’t mean to throw Mineta at you.

Your seatmate, Todoroki looks at you as if like he was analysizing you. His mismatched gaze locked onto you with concern, I mean.. how could he not? Mineta has been thrown on you.

The air escapes you for a moment, and you try to breathe in to counter it. But it doesn’t work, as it became futile.

You blink, and you try again— trying your best to just breathe damnit, you’re questioning what’s all of this for? And it feels like you’re suffocating.

It’s all very sudden too, and without any warning. You can practically the way your heart hammers against your chest violently, and you try your best to not make too many movements. Okay, just breathe Y/N, am I having an attack right now? It really can’t be, can it?

You grasp your chair as you need something to grip on— facing yourself away to prevent any attention to be drawn towards you, since that’s the last thing you want. Every second that passes, it gets even more difficult to take in the air, and it feels like your life actually slipping away from your grasps.

Was it even possible to choke from getting your windpipe hit by Mineta? You never thought it would happen to you, since your quirk allows you to protect yourself— curses. What would your dad think of this? It’s not like you expected this to happen in a classroom.

A calm voice breaks you out of your thoughts, and suddenly you feel a cool hand press against your nape— “Did you hurt your windpipe, L/N?”

Todoroki’s eyes scan over your facial features calmly, noting about every single red flag that’s shown on your face, that’s practically screaming for something

You feel shame course out your entire body due to the situation, but you nod— still unable to accumulate proper words due to the current situation

The dual quirk user says nothing. However, his actions are quick, moving infront of you to shield you from any attention. His other hand resting against your back— proping you up right, so your position on the chair isn’t hunched uncomfortably.

His hand caresses your back up and down, giving out instructions for your labored breathing— “Breathe in,” he commands calmly, activating his quirk in hopes of aiding you “Breathe out,”

You finally manage to get in some air, inhaling through your mouth, and sharply exhaling the air back out. It feels so good to be able to breathe again, and you’re confident that after this— you won’t take it for granted again.

Unfortunately, the situation hadn’t been discreet enough— as it managed to grasp the attention of Midoriya and Yaoyorozu, they crowd at your desk. Asking Todoroki if there’s an issue, concern lacing their tones.

But you’re overwhelmed, eyes threatening to close. Your body slumping against your desk, and you fall unconscious.

—

It was interesting describing the situation to Recovery Girl, and also to your father.

All Might being concerned was an understatement. He was concerned about how it happened, and how he could’ve prevented the situation if he was there. (But he’s not to blame, at all.)

Briefly after you fell unconscious, attention was gravitated towards you— as everyone was clearly concerned. Then, you were dragged to Recovery Girl by two of your classmates; Kirishima and Midoriya, since Midoriya couldn’t stop rambling about his concern towards you.

“Your windpipe got hit, and the impact blocked it.” Recovery Girl explains, briefly after using her quirk on you “And it appeared to be that you’ve gotten the wind knocked out of you. Good grief, who throws people in classrooms? I could give them a scolding right now.” Recovery Girl rants.

You wince at the problem, “Ah.. there’s no need for that. I’d suppose it’s partially my fault for having my guard down.” You grin, but she doesn’t look amused.

Recovery Girl can only sigh, placing a hand on your shoulder. It’s her way of comfort, you’d guess. “Either way, it was still careless of them. I’d go on and on, but for now, you just need to rest right here— you were overwhelmed back there so it’s important to get some rest.”

Recovery Girl’s partially right. So after resting for a little bit longer, you finally leave the infirmary. But you flinch in surprise; a little startled when you meet Todoroki— who’s leaning right behind the door.

“Ah, Todoroki,” You wave at him, and.. you honestly don’t know where to start. Especially after the classroom situation. “I want to apologize about what happened back there. You didn’t need to do that.”

He shakes his head, “It’s alright, L/N. It’s.. what I had to do anyway.” His brows furrow, remembering what happened back in the classroom.

“Besides that.. are you okay? You didn’t damage your throat, did you?”

You laugh, and it may or may not have been in attempt to make the situation light hearted. “My windpipe got blocked, and apparently, I got the wind knocked right out of me! I didn’t know there was an actual name for that! I should really be cautious next time.”

His lips turn up, and he releases a short chuckle— “I suppose it’s a learning lesson for both parties.”

The walk back is.. rather shameful. How were you supposed to go back there, almost as if you didn’t nearly die? choked? The lack of conversation is painful on your ears, and partially on your ego since the silence is almost awkward.

You don’t know what he’s thinking.

“So!” You decide to break the silence, heterochromatic eyes laid on you as he awaited your response. “What do you mean by.. both parties?”

“Well.. you did say you wanted to be cautious more. Which I get, even though you shouldn’t be that cautious in the first place— since it’s not your fault,” Todoroki stares at his feet momentarily, finding his words.

“And both parties because.. I should’ve asked you if you were okay when I saw Mineta get thrown at you,” His expression crumples up, grimacing when he suddenly remembers that exact moment, he should’ve helped them. “I noticed you were choking a little too late.” He mutters.

Like.. how can he stare at you all the time, and just suddenly not notice you choke?

Your feet stop in it’s place, and you shake your head— “You’re so hard on yourself,” you comment, looking up at the ceilings. “Again, it’s not your fault. I was trying to be discrete— y’know!”

“I don’t want you to feel like you should hide anything from me.” He tilts his head to the side, eyes boring into your own.

Blinking, you think over his words— “I’ll keep that in mind.” You’re taken a back by the bluntness in his tone,

“Anyways, thank you, Todoroki. I.. wish I could pay you back somehow.” You pat him on the back, his heart hammering against his chest when you lean in to do so. It’s doing that again.

You turn your back against him, as you start walking even closer to the classroom— and before you can have your hand on the door, he calls out.

“Shouto.”

“..What?” You ask, unsure if you heard him correctly.

“You can start by calling me that,” He offers you one of his one of a kind smiles, something that feels so genuine— full of authentic gratification.

An uncontrollable smile breaks through your face, and you immediately turn away to hide away the flustered expression that is your current state “If you say so.”

Choking in class because someone was thrown at you is definitely not your proudest moment as Y/N Yagi, but.. you’ve definitely gotten something out of it.

Shouto speaks once again. “Oh and.. why wouldn’t I help you? That’s just watching someone die.”

You wince, realizing that Shouto’s correct. Why wouldn’t he help you?

bonus : mineta got flamed by everyone afterwards— including a serious talk from recovery girl, and all might. even though it wasn’t inheritantly his fault that you almost died in class lol

»»————-　♡　————-«

tldr : Y/N gets folded by mineta bc bakugou threw him at you by accident,

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing.

do not plagiarize my work :))

[omgitsemilyward]

hey, yours is one of the best/most reasonable reactions I've seen to the interview. the harsh judgement on his new relationship/ pregnancy was very upsetting for me to read, as if they were a betrayal to what people knew him as? I wish more people grasped we don't know these people. we don't know why they make the decisions they do. the whole thing had me thinking on the 'parasocial' relationships people form with celebs really.

anyway, I'm just so glad he got help when he needed it most, and that it seems like he has very good friends who care about him. I hope he continues to be well. your post on it gave me a good opportunity to sort my feelings over it :)

Hi there - thanks for this message. I’ve already gotten some interesting messages about this and I like this one best and so I’m going to use this as an opportunity to share my (relatively) meaningless thoughts on all this, and this is probably going to be the only post I make about this so… here we go

I’ve purposefully not been making posts about this stuff for a number of reasons, but primarily because I think a lot of people have presumed to know exactly what happened between him, his wife, and Olivia based on a feeble timeline that people have tried to piece together based on random entertainment press reports and stuff. I think there is an incredible amount of information we simply don’t know because we do not know any of them personally, and so I’ve never felt very comfortable saying anything about it. I’m definitely not saying anyone is in the right or in the wrong here either bc, once again, how can we say when we don’t know almost anything?

plus - who am I to even have an opinion on these people I don’t know? I should probably just leave this post right here, because that’s really my entire thesis with this.

(but I, like the person who sent me this nice message, kinda want to use this as an opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings)

I think a lot of us (myself definitely included - anyone who has followed me for a long time knows this) put him and Anna on a pedestal based on all we knew about them, which was very, very little. So as soon as there was the smallest amount of information that things weren’t as perfect as they seemed, people took it almost personally - that they didn’t match the image they had latched onto -, and then made a lot of assumptions and a lot of judgment about what happened; again, based on the tiniest amount of information. Plus, I do think the internet amplifies these things in a weird way that does away with a lot of nuance and goes to straight to classifying things as a binary: “this person is a perfect cinnamon roll who can do nothing wrong” or “this person is absolute garbage trash” - the thing we all forget though, is that human beings do not exist on some moral binary for the most part.

(Also here I am, talking about this on the internet…. anyways)

I spent a lot of my years on this specific website being uncomfortably attached to John and Anna and their relationship, and it’s not something I’m particularly proud of. I don’t say I completely regret being such a huge fan of his, hers, theirs (for one thing, it kinda got me my job, but that’s another story for another time), but looking back on it I wish I had not been so invested in the relationship of people I didn’t know. It was really weird and without my own personal life experience, I might have also immediately jumped to a lot of judgment about why or how their relationship ended. But between now and then I’ve grown a lot as a person and I know that people, especially public figures, often live much more complicated lives than what they present to the world. And people get divorced allllll the fucking time for allllll sorts of reasons.

Maybe it’s the child of many divorces in me, but I’ve been honestly pretty shocked by how little grace people are giving them. Maybe it’s also the fact that I’ve been such a big fan of each of these people (including Olivia) for so much of my life that I’m quick to be defensive (? Idk if that’s the right word) of all of them before anything.

At the end of the day, I guess I’m just disappointed that there is even “discourse” about this to begin with - not surprised by any means, but just disappointed. And disappointed about how quick people have been to judge, or how people are try to equate this to things that are not at all equivalent.

the most important thing to me out of all of this is that John is on a path to recovery. I’ve dealt with some addiction stuff with some of my family that I’m not going to get into on here but it is hard and at times a little terrifying and I’m just so relieved that he seems to have a really good support system. That’s the thing I’ve been most concerned about since the news broke that he relapsed and was going into rehab - I’m grateful that he was able to get help because not everyone does or not everyone will before it becomes too late to do so.

[dangerous-disposition]

my mag172 #thots i will not be swayed from

The tl;dr version:

Fuck the web

Fuck Web!Martin theories (like i cannot even properly articulate why i hate this theory so much now, and I used to subscribe to it)

And fuck Annabelle Cane, I literally hate her with my entire being.

As a recovering addict, I would say... this is the best episode of the show, and I will also never, ever listen to it again.

Now the long version below the cut.

So I hate the Web, and I hate Annabelle Cane. To me, the other fears make sense on a primal human level. The Web is just...pure evil. It was born from the choices of evil people, and is only used for evil. Plain and simple. It is, at it’s core the worst fear and I hate it. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me not hate it.

Because of point number one, I refuse to believe in or subscribe to literally any Web!Martin theory. At all. Listen, MAG170 killed Web!Martin theories completely, imho, and any amount of theorizing in favour of Web!Martin is grasping at straws. But I refuse to believe that my perfect boy, who spent the entire time in the Lonely defending his abuser, who busted his own ass out of the Lonely bc he was in love would be part of something as evil as the Web. Like I just....I feel like there was no way to have had an episode, completely from the POV of Martin, and not gotten any spoken hint at him being even remotely connected to the Web. Just. No.

The argument at the beginning, if you could call that an argument: I have noticed, especially in recent episodes, that Jon seems influenced by the domain and especially the “statement giver” before he even begins his monologue. Like...kinda showing how the forced Knowing creeps up on him? This theory of mine has been in the back of my mind since MAG168 but I don’t know how to fully explain it because it just fully formed in my head after this episode. Something changed after Oliver’s statement, just like it did in Season 1, and again at the beginning of Season 4. In MAG170, Jon got separated from Martin, and I feel like...Jon wouldn’t have just....left Martin behind, even by accident, even during a monologue and I just...I feel like, to some degree, Jon had been at least a little bit influenced by the Lonely and got separated that way. And then in the Flesh, approaching Jared, Jon was confused that Martin didn’t find the flesh flowers beautiful, and the way he said it...it struck me as a very Jared thing to say. And then the way Jon talked in this episode, the way Jon got defensive and sniped at Martin just....it was very similar in feeling to Francis’ own words being mirrored back to them by the spider. Just....i’m not sure where I’m going with this, or even if it has sound basis in canon. It’s just been a pattern I’ve noticed but it was made clearer to me now.

I refuse to see that final interaction with Martin and Jon as anything other than two frustrated and exhausted men trudging through the apocalypse, and whatnot. Like I can just hear the absolutely lukewarm takes ppl will have and just. Nah, leave me out of it.

Loved the explanation about Knowing vs. Understanding.

Also loving Jon and Martin still discussing boundaries, and Martin has a right to said boundaries, and I’m getting where he’s coming from in now wanting to know, or for Jon to Know. I think I would be the same, not wanting to know if my feelings for someone or choices were my own or made for me, especially if I had gone through as much as Martin has. I rly did not see this as an omen of any kind, especially with them having that conversation in the middle of the Web’s domain.

This episode was hard. I’m recovering from alcoholism, I’ve recovered from cigarette addiction repeatedly, and also struggle with binge eating disorder which is often treated the same way as an addiction would in therapy. I relate to Francis as a recovering addict, and I thought this episode did an amazing job in illustrating addiction, and relapse, and the little ways addicts get undermined and undermine themselves in the recovery process. I don’t think this episode compared addiction to being a monster, nor do I think it downplayed the mental illness aspect of addiction. I made a post earlier about how these statements are mad with heavy bias, especially during the apocalypse, and they’re about fear. Recognizing that addiction is a mental illness and showing it as such does not translate fear, and if it did, I feel like that would be more the Corruption’s domain than any others. The Web is about not being in control, it’s about not having a choice or free will, it’s about feeling trapped by the choices you once made and are unable to make choices that contradict those. With addiction, that is a very real feeling. You can tell me all day that it’s mental illness, it’s rooted in depression or anxiety or whatever, and all you have to do is treat that cause and address it blah blah blah. I know. We know. But when you’re struggling with a relapse, or a near-relapse, it does not feel like you’re in control, it does not feel like you are driving your own body. It feels like someone else is behind the wheel, and you hate that person, and you are terrified of that person. That person is ruining your life and you feel like you cannot fucking stop them. But then you do! You can do it. And a lot of us succeed, and I feel like if the world hadn’t ended, Francis would be doing okay. Just like I’m doing okay. And the countless other recovering addicts I know. But in a fictional world, where our fears are actual entities, with physical avatars doing their bidding everywhere, in an apocalyptic hellscape where the fears EXIST ON OUR PLANE of reality, where people are forced to live through their greatest fears forever.

Idk, i just thought this was a really good episode and I’m debating blacklisting TMA until next week lmao.

I just wanted to add this bc I rly don't want ppl to eventually come at me about their personal experiences w addiction and just... Jonny confirmed that he wrote this episode from his own experiences as an addict and his fears regarding addiction, plus that season 5 is about fear not truth so.

Read the following tweets before trying to push your experiences as the "truer" experience or whatevs I've already been seeing.

[bangtanloverboys]

hot boxed // ksj & jjk

summary - you and your stoner boyfriend are having a movie night when you get interrupted by a pleasant surprise

pairing - stoner!jin x gender neutral stoner!reader x friend!jungkook 

genre - fluff

word count - 2.2k

warnings - marijuana usage, kissing, kinda poly stuff

author’s note - happy 420, this was just an idea in my head that i wanted to bust out real quick. it was gonna get saucy but i stopped it bc saucy stuff while high isn’t consent and i am lazy lol. might make a second part?? idk maybe. also reader is gender neutral in this, no pronouns used babey (also the veloci-pastor is a real movie)

“Guess what I got, babe!” You hear Jin call out as he entered your shared apartment. 

“It better be dish soap because we’ve been out for three days!” You answer back, causing him to not respond. “From your resound silence, I’ll guess you didn’t get dish soap.” You laugh as you hear him make his way over to your room where you’re currently finishing up on a small project for your English class.

“Yeah, sorry about that. But I think what I got will help you forgive me.” Jin said, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and with his other hand holding up a tiny baggie with 2 neatly rolled joints.

You gasp and turn around to look at him. “You didn’t!”

“Oh I did!” He smiled as you jumped from your seat to press your lips to his. “You wanna smoke right now or later?”

Jin is the one who got you into smoking about 2 years ago; you were at a party and while everyone was getting drunk and dancing, you started to wander around the house looking for someplace quiet to cool down when you came across him and his best friend Min Yoongi smoking a joint. You’ve never smoked before but were always curious as to what it was like and decided to give it a shot. Now here you are, a stoner plus one stoner best friend turned roommate turned boyfriend.

You take a quick glance at the clock and see that it’s a little after 6 pm, being the perfect time to chill and maybe order pizza while you smoke. “You’re so lucky I just finished my project, or I’d kill you.” You quickly shut your laptop and gather yourself to go sit over on the bed and wait as Jin went over to the bedside table where he pulled out the lighter and ashtray.

Jin sat across from you and pulled a joint from the baggie, placing it between his lips to light it. He pulled in for a good few seconds before pulling the j from his mouth and blowing the smoke out from his plush lips. He passed it to you and you followed suit, only holding it in a bit longer before blowing out through your nose. Jin chuckled as you did so, kissing your nose once the smoke cleared from your face. “Cute.” He muttered.

The two of you took a couple more hits before stopping for Jin to order a pizza and for you to browse through Netflix for a weird movie. This was tradition for the two of you: you’d get high, order in, and watch the strangest movie you could find on a streaming service. By the time Jin got back, you picked out the Veloci-Pastor, which the title itself made you cackle. About 15 minutes into the movie, the doorbell rang and you got up assuming it was the pizza. 

Jin’s wallet in hand, you open the door and you see none other than Jungkook. You’re confused for a moment, and let out a giggle before straightening yourself to greet him.

“Hey, Jungkook! What brings you here?” You lean against the door frame. Needless to say you aren’t disappointed to see the pizza hasn’t arrived yet, but it’s still a pleasant surprise to see the cute younger man on your doorstep.

“Hi Y/N. . . is Jin-hyung here? He invited me over to play Overwatch earlier?” He nervously ran his fingers through his dark hair.

You stick your tongue in your cheek; Jin must’ve forgotten. Usually soon as he gets his hands on weed, he rushes home and forgets any plans he might’ve made earlier that day. Usually it’s just stuff with Yoongi or Namjoon, both of which know and understand how his train of thought works. But this is sweet little Jungkookie, you can’t bear to tell him Jin forgot because he wanted to smoke. 

“Shit, Jinnie must’ve forgotten cause we just started a movie and ordered pizza. . .” The look of disappointment in his eyes hurts you down to your very soul. It was like stepping on a bunny. 

“Oh, uh, sorry to-”

“But you can come join us if you want.” You quickly cut him off, and he gives you a look. You and Jungkook weren’t really that close as he was with Jin, but you always thought he was kinda cute and Jin always had high praises of him (You joked he had a crush on him to which he didn’t deny). So the look of shock on Jungkook’s face upon your invitation wasn’t at all insulting.

“I-Is that okay? I’m not intruding or anything?” You could see the tips of Jungkook’s ears turn red and you just laughed as you grabbed him by the arm, pulling him into the apartment. You hoped to God that the scented candles you left burning cancelled out the potent smell of weed as you led Jungkook back to your room; where Jin was lounging on the bed, scrolling through his phone.

“At long last! Pizza time-” Soon as Jin’s eyes were pulled from his screen and on the taller figure next to you, you saw his face change from confusion to a look of guilt. “Oh shit! Kook, I’m so sorry. I completely blanked on our game time today, I’m-”

“Baby, it’s alright. I figured, so I invited him to stay with us for a bit.” You explained to your boyfriend as he looked between you two and gave a shrug. 

“Yeah, that’s perfect. My two favorite people, let’s do this thing.” Jin patted the bedside next to him and you shoved Jungkook for him to sit down next to him. You lay down on the other side of Jungkook so now he’s sandwiched between the two of you. 

The thing is about you and Jin when you’re high, you’re both a bit more touchy feely. Mainly with each other, but also with other people (the amount of times your smoke sessions with Yoongi end in cuddles and cheek kisses outrageous). Jungkook on the other hand, you’ve never really been around much so you don’t know how he’ll take to you being cuddly with him. He might be more comfortable with Jin maybe, seeing as they’ve been friends longer but that would leave you out and you hated being a third wheel in cuddle sessions. 

You’re pulled from your thoughts as the door knocks again and this time it’s definitely the pizza. Jin volunteers to go get it, leaving you and Jungkook sitting awkwardly side by side.

“Uh, I don’t mean to ask but um. . . are the two of you. . .you know. . .” the mimics holding a joint to his lips and you can’t help but laugh at the way he asked. You quickly stop when you see how nervous he is.

“Oh, sorry. . . yeah, we smoked not that long ago. Hope that isn’t too much of a problem?” Jungkook has to be chill with weed seeing how quite a handful of the people he hangs out with do smoke weed, but Jin’s never mentioned smoking with Jungkook.

“Oh not at all, actually uh. . .this is gonna seem stupid but I would like to try?” He looks at you with big curious eyes. Of all the things you thought he was gonna say, this was not one of them.

“Uh, sure! Let me just get the stuff real quick.” You clamber over Jungkook and grab the lighter and joint before now settling yourself directly across from him on the bed, sitting criss cross. “You need a demonstration?” He gives a quick nod and watches you intently as you place the joint between your lips and lighting it. You give a quick pull and blow out, making sure not to blow smoke directly into Jungkook’s face. 

You hand the joint over to him and he follows suit, he pulls a bit too hard though as he’s blowing out he starts to cough. As if he was summoned; Jin bursts through the door, pizza in hand and concerned. “What’s going on?” He asked as he rushed to the side of his friend.

“Jungkook wanted to try and take a hit and he ended up pulling too fast.” You say as you rubbed Jungkook’s back, trying to help sooth him as the coughing slowly stops. Jin takes the joint from him and places it back on the ashtray and grabs your bottle of water sitting on the desk. 

“Here Kookie, drink this.” Jin instructs and Jungkook follows suit, gulping down water to ease the burn in his throat. “Y/N, why didn’t you wait for me? I wanted to see Jungkookie’s first hit. You took his smoking virginity without me.” He frowned and both you and Jungkook laughed at that statement. 

“You feeling better?” You ask the younger, eyeing him as he takes deep breaths. 

“Yeah, thank you.” He nodded slightly to you. “Can I try again?”

“You nearly cough a lung out and you want to try again?” You’re baffled by his quick recovery and urge to try again. “Are you sure?”

He gave a nod, but before he could answer Jin started to speak. “Baby. . .why don’t you show him how I first helped you. . .” You felt your face turn red at the thought of how Jin helped you take your first hit.

“Jinnie. . . I don’t know if he’ll be comfortable with it.” You look over to Jungkook who has a look of confusion drawn over his face. “Would you be okay with me shotgunning it to you?” You ask him.

“I uh, don’t know what that is but I trust you, whatever it is.” 

You open your mouth to try and explain it, but Jin cut you off saying just do it and he hands you the j and lighter once again. You tell him to sit back a bit and soon as he’s back far enough, you swing your leg over his. Sitting in his lap, you watch as his face starts to turn pink, but he doesn’t protest. He doesn’t seem to know where to put his hands but soon settles on your hips.

“Open your mouth,” you instruct and he follows. “When I breathe out, breathe in. Okay?” He gives you another nod and watches as you place the joint back between your lips and light it. You pull in for a second and then with your free hand, you place your hand on Jungkook’s jaw and pull him closer. With your lips centimeters apart, you blow out into his mouth. As instructed, he breathes in as you exhale and you can feel his grip on your hips tighten ever so slightly. Once you pull away, you’re damn sure both of your faces are beet red. 

“Fuuuck, that was so hot.” Jin groans from behind the two of you. 

“Jinnie. . .” You mutter as you try to peel yourself off of Jungkook, but his grip hasn’t let off. You look at him and he almost seems frozen in shock.

“Look at little Jungkookie,” Jin chuckled as he sat beside the two of you, “cat got your tongue?” You both watch as he nodded his head in confirmation. You watch as your boyfriend runs his fingers through Jungkook’s hair, then turns his head to look at him. “You feel good?” He gives another nod, to which Jin responds with a kiss to his cheek. “Y/N made you feel good?” He whispered into his ear.

Instantaneously, both you and Jungkook freeze. What on Earth was Jin going with this? You watch as the elder, presses his lips to Jungkook’s ears again and whisper something you don’t hear. Jungkook looks back to you and gulps before asking, “Can-can I kiss you?”

Your eyes shot to Jin, who gives you a small nod of encouragement. You give a nod but Jin interrupts. 

“Use your words, sweetheart.”

“Yes, you can kiss me.” You say breathlessly. Jungkook then presses a quick kiss to your lips then pulls away just as quick. 

“Come on, baby boy. You can do better than that.” Jin teases as he presses kisses to the side of Jungkook’s face and neck.

This time, you guide his lips back to yours and softly kiss him. It takes a moment before he starts to return the kiss, his lips soft against yours. You kiss for a few more seconds before pulling away.

“Good. . . now, let’s eat this pizza and finish the movie, okay?” Now it’s the both of you that nod. Jungkook finally releases his grip on you and you slide over to sit beside him.

Jin instructs the two of you to settle back up amongst the pillows while he gets plates for the pizza. Jungkook is still seated in the middle and he looks a bit more at ease then he was earlier. 

“Jungkookie?” He turns to you. “Would it be okay if we cuddle. . .?” 

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Come here.” He said as he pulled you closer to him, you pressed your face against his chest and felt the warmth of his embrace as Jin returned with plates. 

Seeing the two of you snuggled up next to each other, he puts the plates on top of the pizza box and seats himself on the other side of Jungkook. Jin wraps his arms around the both of you and pulls the two of you closer to him. 

You hear faintly as the movie starts to play again in the background and Jin pressed a kiss to Kookie’s cheek and he followed suit by pressing one to your forehead. Whatever that was going on at this moment, didn’t really matter. You were happy and comfortable in the arms of two guys who cared for you.

[yelenasdog]

unknown desires (spencer reid x russell holmes) (i’m so sorry BFRHEKRB)

really all i have to say about this is what the fuck and why the fuck. I DESERVE NO RIGHTS. enjoy i guess??? if u found this while searching for some reid x reader there’s plenty of that on my account!! 

i’m deleting this bye ok-

btw it’s set at the end of s9 ep18 and then ends probably around s13?? idk. also listen to billie eilish’s “i love you” to be extra sad bc this is lowkey kinda angsty and lowkey a mess but im throwing it at u ok bye!

🂦∙🂦∙🂦

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary”- Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven

Spencer shouldn't have been so drawn the first time he saw Russell in person. He shouldn't have been drawn at all.

He was a victim, someone who the young doctor had stared at a photo of for days while planning his rescue.

Although he didn't feel the initial electricity, he was far too buried in the case to think about Russell's kind puppy dog eyes or plump, rosy lips. Yes, far too busy to even fathom thinking of the way his raven locks that Edgar Allan Poe himself would be jealous of complimented his ivory skin, even for an inkling of a moment. He couldn’t bear to do such a thing.

But then, there was after the case, that day at the hospital. There was loss, it was hard to see. But yet again, he saw it every day.

His brain was fuzzy, and he seemed to be more heavily affected by this case than any previous endeavors. He wasn’t sure as to why.

It had him lost in his own thoughts, swimming in a pool of unknown desires.

So lost in fact, so drowned in his daydream, that he was barely aware of the person that had been wheeled over in his general vicinity.

It was him. His pink pout (that was more of a smile) was busted, no doubt, and his porcelain skin had cuts littered among it, but god, it was him.

He should have been disgusted, scared even. The man had rabies! And this was doctor Reid we’re talking about, the biggest possible germaphobe. But he couldn’t bring himself, he was too infatuated. Not that he would admit to it, though.

And he apparently had heard about Spence and his displeasure with even slightly unsanitary situations, as he chose to greet (and simultaneously say goodbye) to the doctor with a simple wave and bashful smile.

Spencer returned it in the same manner. The interaction was quick, too quick. It also warmed his heart to a full extent.

Russell was whisked away by a nurse, looking back reluctantly at the three agents that had saved his life, specifically a certain brown haired doctor, wanting to encapsulate his stunning image in his mind.

Spencer stuck to a cycle. Save, move on, repeat. It was easiest to do so rather than deal with any tag along, unwanted, painful emotions. 

Because that’s all love was. 

Crude and abrupt pain. But despite this, he found himself asking Garcia for Russell's current home address. His own actions confused him, but nonetheless, he held his head high as he exited the batcave towards the light, clutching a paper with the info in his hands. 

He knew he didn’t need it. But he refused to face the (impossible) possibility to forget this information, to forget Russell.

The paper was wrinkled and dampened from his gorilla grip by the time he had arrived. He flattened it out with shaky hands, grabbing a fresh piece of parchment.

“Hello, I'm Doctor Spencer Reid.”

No, no, too formal. He erased it.

“Greetings, I’m Spencer Reid.”

What was he, an alien? Even though many members of the team thought so, he decided against giving Russell Holmes that opportunity. And then it was gone in the wind with a few swipes from his pencil eraser.

“Hi! I’m Dr. Spencer Reid, I was one of the agents that assisted on your case. I hope this message finds you well. I’m just checking in to see how you’re healing.”

Spencer scoffed at himself out loud. “just checking in”, his ass. He continued writing and with very low expectations, he sent off the letter.

------

“I'll be just a minute, Mom!” Russell hollered through his home as he went to go check the mail. He walked down to the mailbox, limping ever so slightly, still in recovery. He flipped through the various envelopes, doing a double take when he saw a certain name.

Doctor Spencer Reid

Apartment 23A

Wilcox Road, Quantico, Virginia, 22134

He tore into the message immediately, a growing smile resting on his face as he read.

“Hi! I’m Doctor Spencer Reid, I was one of the agents who assisted on your case. I hope this message finds you well. I’m just checking in to see how you’re healing. How's your mother been since her surgery? I hope she is doing well, too. If you need anything don’t hesitate to write back or call the number at the bottom of the page. Yet again, I'm glad we could get you home, perhaps to your boyfriend/ girlfriend, or wife/husband.

Best regards, Spencer.”

He was off the walls with excitement. There was a newfound pep in his step as he made his way up the driveway, no doubt planning on writing back.

“Dr. Reid, I appreciate you checking in on me. I do not regret informing you that there is no boyfriend or girlfriend here, just my mother and I while we both recover...”

-----

Glee and bliss. Those were the two things that could no doubt be used to describe the relationship between Spencer Reid and Russell Holmes.

Although it was nothing too formal, exchanges of news about mothers or about how work was going was going on either side soon became much more deep, bringing the two closer than imaginable, even from 689 miles apart.

Never meeting again in person, the situation reminded him all too much of Maeve, but nonetheless, to him, Russell was worth it. So they talked, and talked, for years and years on end. 

They both felt a warm fuzzy feeling in their chest, quite able to place the cause on one another. 

Then one day, they stopped. 

Spencer had gotten home from a long case, and was very much so looking forward to an uplifting note from his distanced lover. But to his surprise, there was nothing. 

Although he found it odd, he blew it off, considering the possibility of getting lost in the post, running some stat to calm himself. Pulling out his cell, he dialed the number that he had saved of Russell's if for some reason the letters were to become inadequate. Voice mail. And voicemail again, and again, and again. Spencer tried for days and weeks, but to no avail, he was met with radio silence.

Until one day, if it was fateful or not is up to you.

 It was sunny in August, and Spencer Reid was not a fan. 

After sweating around all day (he wasn’t sure what it meant either), he made his way to his apartment. He stripped down to his slacks and undershirt, waltzing around his apartment with a water bottle in hand.

knock knock

He squinted his honey eyes, confusion flooding his body. He cautiously approached the door, keeping his revolver in his peripheral vision, compliments of his paranoia.

Another two knocks sounded, but before a third could ring out, he swung the door open.

He gasped, his jaw water bottle falling out of his hand and rolling into the hallway.

“Russ?”

“Hi, Spence.”

He wanted to hug him, he wanted to kiss him, God, he wanted to-

“I felt like I needed to tell you in person.”

His heart dropped to his feet as Russell's own shaky hand presented itself, in it, a white envelope, similar to the one that started their not-so extravagant rondevu.

“W-what is this, Russ?” he opened with nimble fingers, sliding it from its encasement.

Join soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Russell and Jane Holmes-

He didn’t read the rest, he didn’t need to, and couldn't. Tears made their way to both men’s eyes, threatening with such a fierce hostility to spill.

“I’m so sorry, Spence.”

This warranted no response from the doctor. He looked blankly behind Russ, his mind running a million miles a minute. With his head hung in a terrible shame, Russell turned to leave.

He was shocked when he was stopped by Spencer grabbing him by his blue and red plaid shirt, pulling him back.

“Wait.”

He turned, his hazel eyes just barely meeting Spencer's own of the same color.

“Do you love her?”

He pondered for a moment, before nodding slightly.

“Yes, I,” he paused. “Yes.”

Spencer bit his bottom lip briefly, before making a choice he knew he would regret.

He gripped him by the collar of his shirt, smashing their lips together for the first time and the last.

It should have been sweet, it should have been everything he hoped for and more. It should have been a reunion as glorious as they both could have imagined.

But instead, it was a mixture of salty tears, as their lips moulded together like they were made for each other. He pulled away, trying to maintain a strong facade.

“Good.”

And with that, he took one more look, before committing him to a memory, and nothing else.

He shut his door, sliding down against it and silently sobbing, pulling at his curls as tears racked his body. He heard smaller footsteps pad up the staircase, stopping next to where he left a dumbstruck and emotion ridden Russell.

“Hey, sweetheart, is your friend going to be able to make it?” She rubbed his shoulder lovingly, so incredibly oblivious and unaware of the previous happenings.

He put a remorseful hand on hers, watching how her engagement ring shimmered, even in the dim lighting.

He put on a false smile for his future wife he thinks he loves. “I think he’s a bit busy, he said he needs to review the date.” He spoke loudly, hoping Spencer could hear him through the thick door.

She frowned, nodding in what was her understanding of it all.

“Well, I hope he can make it, he must be important if you came all the way here to deliver this for him!”

He smiled genuinely, thinking of all the letters sent and hours spent.  

“Yeah, more than he knows.”

It wasn't until after he heard their steps retrieve, and their car start up and go, that he picked up the card to finish reading it.

He ran his finger over the gold raised trim, the feeling giving him goosebumps. He read the front and flipped it over, seeing an all too familiar hand writing underneath the date that the supposed union was to be held.

I'm sorry, I love you.

🂦∙🂦∙🂦

literally what the fuck was that ffwbfbfbkfw what do i even tag this?? im so sorry. also this is my first character x character be nice

[frenchibi]

hey, so i thought maybe you could tell us a little what you're currently interested in? ♥ like, what have you been doing during quarantine, are there any new shows you watched that you enjoyed a lot, did you maybe take up a new hobby or something? :)

Hello!! I did not forget this lovely message, I was just in no state to answer (who’d have thought that recovery from surgery is, y’know, taxing) BUT I’M BACK NOW and ohhhh do you know what you’ve unlocked by asking me this question...?? I cannot give you a comprehensive list but I can tell you a couple of the things that I got into during quarantine, and the things I am currently super passionate about! My memory is, uh, not great but thankfully I do journal and write down things so I am confident I can answer this for you :D (plus I do always love recommending things so - aaa??? Thank you for this ask????)

Putting things under a cut because I physically cannot chill but if tl;dr I want you to take away one thing from this it’s that everyone should read Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir. Thoughts below.

(Also. I would love to go off about my interests more on here but am not sure what... shape that should ideally take? Text posts? IDK pls give me suggestions, help me out?? dfhasjkldf)

Movies

I have not seen many, but I can and will scream about The Old Guard over and over because... it was everything I never knew I needed in an action movie?? I don’t reblog many things about it anymore but I love love LOVED it!!

Also, upon recommendation by one of my friends from India, I have been delving into the world of Bollywood movies and WOW Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara was so fucking good??? idk if it’s on Netflix in every country but it is in mine and I highly recommend it. It’s thoughtful, honest, emotional and shot absolutely gorgeously, and it also has that cheesiness that is just... so good... sometimes you just need the cheese y’know???

(Side note, 2020 was the year I saw Pride and Prejudice (2005) for the first time and I am a changed woman. It is now my ultimate comfort movie. Please see it if you have not, I cannot believe it took me this long. I saw it for the first time on an airplane (in january... a lifetime ago) and have seen it many, many times since.)

TV Shows

So, to everyone’s shock but especially my own, I have not really been into TV lately? I watched The Boys because my brother recommended it (it’s good, but gorey and pulls no punches, the R rating is deserved), and recently started watching Jujutsu Kaisen because my sister recommended it (I haven’t watched a new anime in like a year which is kinda wild to me? But I am enjoying this one - the opening SLAPS and what I’ve seen so far has been fun! Plus I’m watching it with my sister and I like sending her reactions xD),,, and that’s pretty much it for this category?? I am aware there is a LOT of good shit out there I just.. .don’t seem to have the attention span for multiple episodes of a Thing these days. Meh. I’m sure it’ll come back to me eventually ^^

Musical Theater

One of the main reasons I think I haven’t been big into TV is because my Musical Passion is in FULL SWING (haha get it). Probably because the only thing that has remained for me during this quarantine is my singing lessons (and lemme tell you... over skype, that shit is ROUGH but still better than not singing at all) and I have been obsessing over learning new songs and finding shows through recommendations and compilation videos on youtube... So.

Shows I listen to a lot these days include Starry, Anastasia, The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals, Come From Away (I made a post recently specifically about musicals, you should be able to find it under #French speaks) - specific songs in my range that I am currently learning and obsessing over include “Bring on the men” from Jekyll and Hyde, “The Mad Hatter” from Wonderland, “Show Yourself” from Frozen 2 (I liked it ok I DID), and “Go Tonight” from The Mad Ones (this one makes me cry... I’m making my sister duet it with me bc I can’t stop thinking about it).

Also, if you’re interested in hearing me sing things, head over to my instagram where I post covers (and also art)!!

(Musical people, I am curious to hear opinions about Great Comet, and also The Count of Monte Cristo - two shows I’ve been meaning to check out!)

Video Games

Listen. Animal Crossing New Horizons is awesome and I’m glad I have it (...give me Brewster back, Nintendo, or I WILL RIOT), but I have been branching out into other games for the Switch (might as well make this purchase worth it amirite) - current faves include Celeste (which is SO HARD but also SO FUCKING FUN) and Spiritfarer which I specifically bought to play at the hospital bc I knew I was going to be there for a few days, and let me tell you - best decision of 2020. Please watch the trailer if you haven’t heard of it, it’s GORGEOUS and beautiful and emotional and I loved every second of it. Both of these can also be purchased for PC and I think they are definitely worth the investment!!

In other news I’m back on my Stardew Valley bullshit. It’s just so calming.I revisit it a lot lmao

Books

So... I have been reading. A LOT. I read over 70 books this year, which for me is... average tbh? I have had some less productive reading months but overall I have torn through stuff and BOY do I have recommendations if you want them?? For the sake of brevity I will only mention a few here:

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir “Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space”. That is all. This was my first five star fiction book of the year and I will never be done screaming about it. There is a dedicated but smallish fandom here on tumblr and it deserves SO MUCH MORE. Please, please please. Everyone should read this damn book. It’s confusing in the beginning but I promise it’s worth it IT’S SO GOOD!! And also the sequel is out and it’s also confusing and SO GOOD!!!

Educated by Tara Westover. This is an autobiography and it’s one of those books that like. Stick in your mind for months after you’ve read it. It’s about how this woman escaped an abusive household that was religiously oppressive and also like... survivalist (prepping for the apocalypse) and avidly believed in conspiracy theories - by educating herself, working her way up to going to Harvard. Nothing I say could do the emotional impact of this book justice - and also just, the perspective this book gave me?? Incredible. Education is the most powerful tool and this woman grabbed it by the hair and did not let go and I was FLOORED. Everyone should read this. I don’t even usually read biographies but DAMN.

The Winternight trilogy by Katherine Arden.(Book 1 is called The Bear and the Nightingale). This is a bit of a slow burn type deal - it’s a retelling of a Russian fairy tale (I think?? Or like a folk... story? Something like that) and it is just. So magical. It’s not fast paced but it works up to FANTASTIC moments, the focus is on family and magic and change and “making your own way” and all three of these books were wonderful. It reminded me of Naomi Novic’s Uprooted and Spinning Silver (both of which I also loved back in 2019 and would highly recommend) and they are PERFECT winter reads if you’re looking for something to get cozy with. I liked book 1 well enough but books 2 and 3 knocked it out of the park. Fantastic. Loved them.

I have many more recs but this will do for now hahah

Music

Gonna keep this brief too - my music taste is all over the place, but here are some songs I have been obsessed with recently!! Beware of genre whiplash though because these are Very Different from one another (and different from the musical theater stuff above)

Factories - Autoheart (that bridge gets me every time, idk why. This is one I could have on repeat for hours and not get tired of it either. Something about it just gets me!!)

History Read - The Altogether (The lyrics!! Tbh the entire Silo album is GREAT, but this one is my fave. Their music is so... mellow, in the best way??)

Weather Man - Valley of Wolves (ok this one is just a banger. I’m a sucker for a good sing-along-able hook (that’s not a word. you get me though right) and this fucking DELIVERS. I also just think “I make these dark skies blue, I make these mountains move, let the rain come down, I’m pushing through.... [pause] ... ‘cause I’m the weather man” is such good execution of a concept?? That PAUSE GETS ME it’s just SO FUN?!?! idk man I like a good upbeat banger and this is that.)

I believe (get over yourself) - Nico Vega (this one is just a callout at myself tbh?? “you’re a fool” I AM and I needed to hear it?? It’s also SO FUN to sing!!! We love a banger.)

Kiss me you animal - Burn the Ballroom (mentioning this mainly because it reminded me, lyrically, of Gideon the Ninth and I need someone to confirm this for me before I go insane?? “everybody knows that home is where your teeth sink, love” - I mean c’mon??? Also it’s a banger. I do like some rock from time to time... and this also has a killer driving bassline. This is super fun to drive to, too!!)

((If we have overlap and anyone wants to exchange playlists with me - I am SO here for it. Always looking for new music!!! I mean it!!))

Youtube

Last and certainly not least... meet my newest hyperfixation!!! I have always loved watching video essays, and booktube videos, and arttube videos - and my current niche of favorite creators is the Polygon video team!! They made videos about video games and board games and anything gaming-related and I just. I’m only peripherally a “gamer(TM)” but I love anything and everything they create. (Also you don’t have to know much about video games to enjoy all of their content!! A lot of it is still accessible to Non-Gamers(TM) or casual gamers!) BDG is my new favorite creator, the Unraveled series he does on the channel is a work of genius - but I have also started watching their streams and older series and I am enjoying myself SO MUCH! I love boardgames so their series on them, Overboard, is so fun and entertaining (and I already know a bunch of games I want to buy based on seeing the gameplay), and it also made me invested in the other creators - particularly Simone, I would die for Simone?? And Pat? And Jenna? They each have their niche and they work really well together too and their videos are my Main Serotonin Machine in these trying times(TM), thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Also. If you’re already following me here and you are familiar with Polygon things I BEG YOU TO COME AND TALK TO ME ABOUT THEM because I am like, bursting, but I also don’t want to flood my dash with stuff that 99% of my followers are unfamiliar with y’know??

...I think I’m going to leave it at this - it’s already a lot!

But thank you once again for asking and for letting me Go Off about things I am interested in!! I just... I very often wish I could do this more, but I’m not sure how to go about it? Should I just do text posts about things?? Would that be interesting to anyone?? Or is that like, annoying? Should I start a review blog or something? dhfajkldhf I just want to talk about things that excite me, but whenever I’m here I often just stick to reblogging other people’s stuff... help?? What do y’all want to see??

[drmazel]

Ok, secrets in return.. 6, 10, 15, 17...

ooh a lil secret exchange...... like little kids at a slumber party..... love this energy

6) how is your life different now from two years ago

hmm.... july 2018.... tbh not a whole lot has changed since, then, graduate school has a funny way of being all the same all the time. but i can think of a few... 

school/job-wise, i became a doctoral candidate in june 2018 which was just over 2 years ago and that was cool, and my research was finally published in december 2019 which kicked ass. actually the project that was published wasnt even finished until october 2018 so i guess that too. my mentor and i have developed a really great mentor/mentee relationship that i attribute a good amount of personal growth to, bc for like the first time in my life i have someone actively helping me quash a lot of self doubt.

personal life-wise, hmm... in october 2018 i had the plate in my knee removed bc it was severely impeding my recovery and making it hard to walk. i figured out how to sit down on the floor and get up from the floor and go up and down stairs one at a time with a railing, then without a railing, learned how to crouch about halfway to normal, built up my stamina to stay standing for about an hour with minimal discomfort whereas before i suffered if i stood for 10 minutes. the girl that almost killed me was finally arrested and convicted and put in jail which doesn’t fix or reverse anything but still felt like some kind of justice. 

and then personality wise i am just a little less afraid of getting things wrong. still terrified and still impacts my life, but i am able to give things a shot instead of dismissing them outright. led to me finding out i’m pretty good at some stuff i otherwise never would have tried. i’m also a little less afraid of asking for help or setting boundaries. therapy has that effect i guess. 

i’m also way more long-winded than before, i feel like, as presented here. oops. i also feel like i’m much more forgetful and scatterbrained than before. not sure if it’s from stress, or a natural progression of taking on more obligations and learning how to balance them, or a long term side effect of having who knows what pumped into me for a month straight three years ago. maybe all three?

10) do you believe in ghosts

nah. i don’t really have a wordy explanation as to why i don’t so you get a break from the wall of text from the previous question.

15) what is your favorite memory

questions like this are hard bc i have a pretty bad memory and favorite memories only come to me when i encounter something that reminds me of it? it’s really hard to call upon specific memories. but i’ll at least try to think of a nice one from recent memory, i’m sure it’ll be far from my favorite but that’s okay. 

hmm... oh actually my most recent birthday (abt 2.5 weeks ago) was really really nice? nothing super special happened; i got up, i went to work, i went home and bought myself an ice cream cake and video called my family. but throughout the day i had more people wishing me happy birthday than i ever had in my life. i’m a fairly active member of the rq official discord and i had no fewer than 2 dozen people immediately send happy birthday messages if they caught the implication from someone else (maybe more, that server is huge and it’s hard to keep track). and i’m in another, smaller server (you may be familiar uwu) where i’ve pretty fairly recently gotten to know a new group of people that seemed to pretty quickly welcome me into their friend group and i got some really nice birthday sentiments there too. and then at work i didn’t even really tell anyone it was my birthday, but i’m friends with one of my lab mates on facebook and he must have had birthday notifications on because he came by and wished me a happy birthday

obvs the last few months have been really isolating for just about everyone, but tbh it’s been especially hard for me bc i don’t really have many friends to begin with and definitely like no friends in my home town so my minimal social contact of like just small talk at the store and only having real conversations with coworkers being taken away has had me fairly down? but apparently over the past few months i have slowly been submitting myself to the mortifying ordeal of being known, even just a little bit, and reaping the rewards of being loved in return, no matter how small, felt really nice and made it a really special day uwuwuwuwu

17) what ‘small things’ things terrify you

i know i have some intangible existential fears that would definitely seem trivial to some people but see above point about having a really hard time calling upon specific memories, and also i’m in a good mood so i’m not gonna try too hard. but off the top of my head two silly weird fears i have are 1) heights and 2) having people around me start singing. 

1) i know heights are a very common fear/phobia but you don’t understand. i’m talking “i will literally freeze in place if i try to step onto this 4-inch stepstool, like seriously my conscious mind will not be able to lift my second foot onto the step, like it’s bolted to the ground” PETRIFIED of heights. i cannot stand on anything my brain perceives as not-solid-ground. this means i’m actually okay in airplanes and things like the st louis arch. i actually love that shit, i’ll look down at the ground and enjoy the view all day. but the second i have a single doubt about my ability to stay upright, fuck the fight/flight/freeze response. we are on 24/7 freeze/freeze/freeze response LOCKDOWN.

2) i’m talking flash mobs, i’m talking karaoke night, i’m talking people singing happy birthday to me. the idea of it puts me in “find an escape” mode, and being in it gives me the worst second-hand embarrassment ever, even if it’s all in good fun and there’s no reason for anyone involved to be embarrassed. this extends even to movie musical numbers (i actually skipped the scene in the tavern in disney’s tangled bc it gave me weird anxiety) and shit like hearing someone i know from another medium begin to sing (this is why it took me so long to check out the mechs and also why i cannot listen to recordings of friends singing as much as it would mean a lot to them for me to do so). idk if there’s a name for this phenomenon or if i’m the only person on the planet with this weird almost-or-maybe-complete phobia.

[raspbebbies]

even numbers smile-1

why2. Least favorite character: mineta

4. Least favorite villain: toga because she seems really generic right now and they don’t give her enough personality imo. or any of the really minor ones really just bc i never get to see them

6. Least favorite teacher: idk probably the principal

8. Least favorite student: mineta

10. Character you find most interesting or mysterious: shigaraki, and im mostly saying that just bc i want to see more lore for him

12. Any character you disliked at first, but warmed up to: i didn’t really dislike anyone at first so im gonna say sero. at first i didn’t pay attention to him then i realized eventually “wow i really like him”

14. Do you have a favorite quirk: i don’t have a specific favorite but i like recovery girl and shigarakis

16. Which pairing are you the most fond of: none i don’t ship anything

18. Favorite fight: shigaraki vs eraserhead early on panders to me but the afo fight is good too

20. What are your thoughts now after seeing it/ reading it: this show is definitely one of my way top favorites and it’s not even just because of the show itself. i loved watching it and getting to experience it alone with you (at least earlier on, now with a big group of friends (: )

22. Were there any moments or scenes that caught you by surprise: i honestly can’t remember something specific like that, but i’m in awe every time i get to look at my boys do anything if that counts

24. Is there a character that a lot of others like, but you don’t, or vice versa: the fanbase seems to really be into the students but the only students i really like a lot are aoyama/sero/shinsou. i don’t read the manga yet so shinsou is on really thin ice when it comes to content. as for vice versa i’m the only one in my group whose super into shigaraki so there’s that

26. What moment did you find the saddest, or that hit you the hardest: honestly i haven’t had anything hit me really hard yet but the afo fight was sad and i feel bad for shigaraki/aoyama in general. i hope to see a scene that really gets me eventually

28. Who gave you the best first impression: shigaraki because hands. he panders to me

30. What is, if any, the biggest flaw you see in the series? Or something you would have done differently: i can’t really think of anything other than the girls hero costumes

[therapybabbie]

January 28, 2021

First day of DBT was yesterday. I did not like it. It was like class and not personal and we couldn’t respond to the other patients, only the counselor could, which I hated. I will stick it out tho bc it is the only IOP thats not during my work schedule.

Also, I texted michael a couple nights ago and was like “I dont care what i said before, you and i are NOT cool!!!!! i only get madder and madder at you every day and you traumatized me!!!” or something to that effect, after which he was like “yeah i figured you wouldn’t wanna speak to me anymore after you unfollowed me on instagram. i’m so sorry i lied and cheated and i want to fix it, but you said nothing can fix it so idk what you want me to do.” 

so then the next afternoon i sent him like four paragraphs about the anger and humiliation he caused me and by 11:00 pm the next day he still hadnt responded and i was so mad i couldnt sleep so i texted him “I hate you so much. All that shit and all you cared about is that I unfollowed you on instagram.” and then he responded saying he’d been fucked up and crying all day and he didn’t know what to say and he’s “insanely sorry.” 

then this morning i obviously apologized for saying i hate him bc that is obviously not true, which i also said. I then was like “I’m just dealing with this anger that has nowhere to go and its so heavy blah blah” but in FOUR PARAGRAPHS (why did I do this). Then he was like “I’m really sorry you’re hurting because of me but there’s nothing I can do about it right now to help either of us.” THEN I just said I just want EMPATHY bc I feel like he NEVER tried to imagine being me during the worst things he did to me. and i want him to feel exactly what i felt and know he caused it.

then he said “i have felt that. i felt guilt and shame for so long and still am. i knew what i was doing was wrong and i was paranoid the whole time. i don’t know how to empathize well though, i’ve told you my struggles with that. I know I caused you pain and I want to make you feel better. But I’m also not going to be told I don’t feel anything”

then I explained that’s not what i was saying and i know he feels things, i just never FELT empathy from him regarding what he did to me over the past year. if he was empathetic, he wasnt expressing it in a way i recognize. it didn’t even seem like he was TRYING to be empathetic

and he said “I agree, I didn’t try at all. I was only focused on myself and getting fucked up. I’m an addict. That’s what I’m trying to fix right now. I’m struggling with processing everything and it’s hard. Some days I don’t feel like shit but other days like yesterday when you texted me I was crying about everything I’ve ever done. IDK how this shit works. I literally don’t have answers for you rn. I’m so new to trying to help myself that I don’t know where to start. Maybe in time I’ll have some answers for you but right now I’m just feeling shit. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do”

Then I said I’m happy he’s focusing on his addiction bc from what I know of him, the more he recovers in that area, the more other things will fall into place, which i hope happens for him

And he said “Thanks but I relapsed last night so not feeling great lol.” then i think he immediately realized he was veering into codependent territory and said “That’s not your problem, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go. I’ve got a lot of things to take care of on my day off. Hope you’re well.”

But I was still responding to his PREVIOUS message so I said I understand he can’t have answers right now, I hope he’s ok too, I’m sorry that me texting him all that probably contributed to his horrible day yesterday and that’s why I said we should stop talking in the first place, “but I’m going through hell right now too, so yeah I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

Then to prevent myself from texting him again some other time, I said “I don’t wanna set you back by texting you some shit like that again while you’re working on recovery, but I’m worried I might. Do you think I should just delete your number, that way it’ll be up to you if you wanna talk again?”

And he said, which i don’t rly understand completely what this means but whatever, “its ok, i understand. it might be for the best that we do that yeah” Like?? why did he say we??? I didn’t say we both delete each others numbers and never speak for the rest of our lives, I said I delete his so he can contact me when he feels like it....but whatever its just texting semantics it doesnt necessarily mean anything

so i said “Ok cool, I promise not to contact you again. You let me know if you wanna talk again sometime later though”

and he said “Ok thanks” which I thought SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like you coulda just been like “Ok, I will” or something nicer. It seemed like he was annoyed that I was deleting his number even though i made it clear it was so that HE could contact me at his leisure and not have ME bother him when hes trying to quit drugs!!!!! but whatever......BPD crazy ass disease....this was probably some form of perceived abandonment (real or imagined)

I hope he talks to me again but not for like 3-4 months. I’m glad I set up this boundary for myself though bc now I can never text him first or it’d be too embarrassing. 

Oh, also, after that first round of texts I sent him the first night, he made his instagram private, which he NEVER has before so i guess he really was salty i unfollowed him. this is for the best tho cause now i cant stalk him, which i was only doing sometimes ok.....ok i did it for like 5 days over the period of time surrounding the anniversary of his mothers death to make sure he was okay. Which i think was fine and not creepy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think hes more just like “you locked me out of yours, well now you don’t get to see any of mine!” childish but i’d do the same thing

In general, I want this man to have a happy life in the near future. But not right now, not right after treating me like shit for so long. I’m glad he cried all day over something I said, it is only fair. And he will never grow if he never feels bad about this stuff. So it was nice to hear that he at least still cares, even if it meant him feeling like shit for a whole day. 

[mental-health-advice]

👹hello, thank u for answering my last ask, it was rlly helpful and made me feel at least a little more normal, its hard to explain but rn ive been going to a gp for my anxiety and suicidal thoughts and ive received meds for my anxiety but am still afraid of doing things involving people ie. going outside, my dad says that they pay for my appointments but whats the point if its not doing anything and its been feeding into this mindset ive had bc ive been thinking that (1)

👹no matter who i talk to or what help i get im always going to feel this terrible, i often think idk that i cant find any bliss in life? like maybe i dont have dreams but i wanted happiness but i dont know how to get that and im just scared ig that i cant be fixed, people tell me that theres worth to living and that i have a purpose but i find that so hard to believe... thanks.

Hey there,

I’m so glad that I was able to help you feel a bit better! It’s great also that you’re seeing your GP for anxiety and suicidal thoughts, have the medications been helping your anxiety at all?

Sometimes GP’s can only help so much with a person who has mental health issues so could you ask to possibly see a therapist of some kind? A therapist will be able to work with you on the things that need addressing and will help you to implement stuff to help you cope a bit better with everything. It’s really good that your parents are paying for your appointments to see your GP, but maybe for the next step in your recovery, seeing a therapist may be more helpful at the moment for you?

I have lost count of the number of different therapists I have seen over the many years but one thing I found is that sometimes professionals can only help to a certain degree and so consequently it is normal to swap and change who you see from time to time. My latest therapist has helped me so much in the past 12 months I’ve been seeing her, more so than the therapist I saw before her who I had been seeing for many years. So perhaps this is something to keep in mind, that it’s more than OK to see someone different and especially if who you’re currently seeing is no longer helping  you to get better. Does that make sense?

In terms of being afraid of doing things that involve other people, is there a way that you can start small with just seeing one person and then build up from there? A change in medication or dosage may also be helpful, so I encourage you to see your prescribing doctor and see if anything can be tweaked to help make things a bit easier for you. Just an idea!

In regards to feeling as though you don’t have a purpose to live and that things will never get any better for you no matter how hard you try, have you ever heard the following quote..

“To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world!” –Dr Seuss

So never underestimate how much you may mean to one person, even though it may not always seem obvious. I can assure you that many people will be hurting and feel upset if you did give up on life. So try to keep living not only for yourself, but also for others who may look up to you and perhaps even see you as a role model!

It’s also OK to not have any dreams at the moment, maybe right now you can just focus on yourself and taking care of yourself! I know it can be hard to do things that you enjoy at times but maybe you can try to do one little thing each day? It’s also important to practice good self-care as this will also help you to improve your overall mental health and help you to feel a bit better and may even give you some extra motivation in life to keep fighting? So doing things like eating a healthy diet, doing regular exercise and getting a good night’s sleep are really important to do.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and helped to give you some ideas on where you can go from here and hopefully continue your fight for one day having a really great and amazing life! Just take each day as they come and know that you’re here for a reason, even if it doesn’t seem like it at times!

I’m thinking of you and hope you’re doing OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[the-cryptographer]

For the yugioh ask meme - 9, 13, 18, 23, 31!

Thank you!! 9 and 13 got answered already. In my ‘ask’ tag if you’re interested  x’)

18. A random headcanon

Ah, I have so many at this point,lol. A lot of them really kind of spring up in the process of writing fic, andwhat I think makes sense and carries weight for that story so *shrugs*

There are some things I more or lessaccept as permanent facets of the characters, hmm:

Things about how Jounouchi’sgang life with Hirutani went, and how it ended. And how Jounouchi feels aboutthat, and how Honda helped and encouraged him in this huge way that Jounouchi couldn’t even acknowledge at the time and still struggles with acknowledging during canon. Experimental sexual encounter with Honda inmiddle school is also one of a few things about Jounouchi’s sexual history that’skind of permanently burned into my brain at this point as something that definitely happened.

Things about how Seto’s relationshipwith Gouzaburou went. I guess you could say I’ve crafted headcanons about how andfor what purpose Gouzaburou intended to mold Seto, and how and where heundermined his own motivations, but still ultimately succeeded. heh, I keepimagining Gouzaburou sitting on a recliner in hell, watching Seto build andopen Death-T and just shaking his head with such disdain. “What is all this? A death theme park? How is this going to monetiseproperly? How is this going to sustain Kaiba Corp? Seto. Seto. Papa taught youbetter than this~”And Seto’s just like, “fuckyou, I can build a death theme park and wear belts on my arms and piss awayyour whole estate and die penniless in a ditch if I want to – you can’t stopme.”Caught between a rock and a hard place, Seto. If you succeed at lifeand work you’ll only be doing what your abuser wants, but if you fail you’llonly be miserable. It’s your choice, with only your life on the line here :v

And, I guess Yami Malik not beinggone from Malik’s psyche post-canon is a headcanon? going from what canon’s seemingintent is in how it presents the end of Battle City, I think we’re meant to thinkthat Yami Malik is and Malik’s hateful feelings are gone(?) But I’m not surehow seriously anyone takes that? idk, I certainly don’t take it seriously.

None of these are fun headcanons,lol. idk, it can be a headcanon that Mai comes into town and treats everyone todim sum, right? Just imagine the whole gang eating dim sum. Imagine Jounouchiand Honda and Shizuka having a chopstick battle over the last shrimp dumpling.And then continuing to fight, over the gai lan this time, even though Honda doesn’t even like it.

31. Favorite duel

Isis vs Seto. It’s just… socathartic, omg. I have so many feelings about what this duel meant for both thecharacters. I like how it really ricochets through Seto’s fears and hubris anddownfall and resurrection, against Isis’s stony and completely assuredconfidence that they are utterly powerless. And how Seto ultimately believes inthe power of something more personal and connecting than just raw strength, andhow that becomes the power to decide your own destiny. It’s just- very good.

The Atem vs Seto duel from Duellist Kingdom, and the Atem vs Mai duel are second and third runners up.

23. NOTP

Ah, I still don’t really think I have any? I have prettynarrow preferences regarding a number of ships, but there’s not really anythingI think in abstract I’m really never up for seeing some portrayal of? In termsof ships I see regularly enough on trips around tumblr and fanfic land that I’mkind of full of mixed feelings on… the rest is under the cut:

I can’t say I find myself super interested in Atem/Yuugi. I don’t reallyunderstand myself, but I’ve even kind of been randomly and viscerally squicked at times byportrayals of them kissing or preforming sex acts on one another (as opposed topreforming sex acts on someone else in each other’s general vicinity, lol).Which is really bizarre, since I’m a big fan of emblematik’s fic and own agrand total of one R18 doujin about them. So, idk, there’s nothing objectionable about it in the slightest. But I seem to heavily preferAtem and Yuugi being platonic in most cases for some reason?

I’m also not really fond of the vast majority of Ryou/YamiMalik interpretations. I’m not really that fond of Yami Malik in a completelyseparate body and as a completely separate entity that’s not at all amanifestation of Malik prime’s emotional needs (or vice versa, really). I kindof consider Malik and Yami Malik a package deal, so I’m not really especiallykeen on seeing one ship dealt with in absentia of the other. And, even if I was,I kind of think Malik and Yami Bakura are better developed characters that canbe used to cover a lot of the messy Ryou ship dynamics, well, better. But- I really, reallylike (platonic or nonplatonic) angstshipping, and I do consider (platonicor nonplatonic) Ryou/Yami Malik a facet of that. A facet that can reap reallyinteresting results. And so I want to see a lot more of Ryou and the Maliks butmaybe not in the way I see the fandom usually be about them.

And, idk, it seems like I’ve had a lot of salty af feelingsabout Isis/Mai. I don’t know. I am (1) very overly invested in Mai being reallytraumatised by Yami Malik’s behaviour towards her, (2) very overly invested inMalik being held accountable as (at the very least) complicit in Yami Malik’sbehaviour, (3) very overly invested in Mai being allowed to never forgive Malikever, and (4) very overly invested in Isis and Rishid being there to supportMalik and be on his team basically regardless of how bad he’s fucked up ateverything ever. These four points feed right into so much that I love aboutBattle City and DOMA, and somewhere in them is a pretty big conflict ofinterest that kind of prevents Isis/Mai and Mai/Rishid from not being superfucked up on some level. And, idk, I don’t really see a lot of super fucked upportrayals of them? Which is fine, I guess? I think my four points up there areperhaps overly specific readings of the text? But they all kind of lead me tohaving a kneejerk reaction against the ships bc my insect brain goes: ‘this ispressuring a woman to get over her abuse and pretend it didn’t happen’. Whichis something I’m familiar as with per my personal life, which is kind ofuncomfortable. Which makes me want desperately to read a Isis/Mai fic aboutgaslighting, and them dealing with dissimilar approaches to their own abuserecovery and erroneously expecting the other to be on the same page, and eventually beingable to understand each other and knowing their relationship needs a lot of distancein places and that’s sad but it still might be something worth holding onto? SoI guess I’m back to shipping it again, except I have to write it myself orsomething, idk.(except i also understand that everyone i unabashedly ship Maiwith is a tiny baby and that has its own potential problems – just ones ihaven’t had to live with? idk, why doesn’t ygo canon have any passionate,hot-blooded adult people i want to ship Mai with? Vivian, you are my onlysalvation.)

idk, I don’t like Mokuba/Shizuka either. except it might befine if somebody convinced me Mokuba and Shizuka could connect on a meaningfullevel that wasn’t just ‘making JouKai drama happen’. and i don’t likeHonda/Shizuka either. except i do like it, because I like Honda/Otogi/Shizukatriad. except I’ve never read any Honda/Shizuka by itself that wasn’t justuncomfortably assuming that Shizuka would get with Honda and not dealing withthe fact that Honda is an entitled lying liar who should question just what it ishe feels entitled to, and why. andwhat kind of relationship he’ll be participating in, and why. smh.

And I have a hard time seeing Atem being attracted to Anzuin canon, so I’m not big on shipping them, but it wouldn’t drive me away fromsomething either? Anzu/Atem: why not? and i used to feel sort of ‘why not?’ but not super interested inAtem/Kaiba. but then I gotangry at antishippers and then I talked to rainstormcolors too much, and now Ikind of ship it. Except I still get the feeling that most people who ship itaren’t really looking for the same dynamic in it that I’m really looking for.Which is, when I think about it, the exact same problem I have with JouKai(except slightly less bad, bc JouKai is much trashier). So I’ve done a 180degree turn here from notp problems to otp problems because for me they are thesame problems. always the same problems.

ETA: Itoccurs to me I probably could have added Seto/Shizuka to this list. Myunderstanding of Seto is that he’s someone who wouldn’t be at all compassionateabout her no-money, abuse, and disability problems. And my understanding ofShizuka is that she’s someone that would take that keenly to heart in arelationship. But, oh noes, once more I have read at least one fic for thisship that I liked. And I kind of like the idea of fucked up Season Zero Seto/Shizuka a lot too ;_;

Thank you again for the ask x)

[dontkyeom]

Monsta X: Beautiful in San Francisco - Fan Experience

ayooo i was asked to post about the monsta x concert i just went to (and also i want a record of what happened before i forget) so here it is!! under the cut are my pre, during, and post-show experiences/thoughts!!

pre-show

okay so my friend and i planned to get boba from boba guys and fries from super duper for dinner

me being me, i planned for us to meet at 5 so we had enough time to eat and digest for the show

i leave my house around 3:45 bc i was gonna bus over while my friend was gonna get dropped off at boba guys

in the end we ended up getting sharetea and meeting at super duper an hour later than when we were supposed to meet for the following reasons:

i got to the area before my friend

I WALKED THE WHOLE ASS TUNNEL BETWEEN DOWNTOWN AND CHINATOWN FOR NO REASON i was so heated omg

the line for boba guys was out the door and down the block so i was like girl… we gotta yeet

i left to get sharetea but my friend for some reason thought we were still gonna meet at boba guys so she had to walk down to the mall

she ended up getting lost and going to chinatown

meanwhile i was trying to find sharetea bc i didnt even know they had one in the mall

ended up ordering for both of us and agreeing to meet at super duper

also i saw some monbebes in the mall while i was waiting for my drinks hehe i peeped ur shirts

we got to the warfield at 7 when the doors were supposed to open and y’all the line was so long that it like wrapped around the block and the end was right by the entrance

i got gnarly cramps in both of my legs within five minutes of each other and they hurt like a damn bitch let me tell you

i felt really bad bc i like fell to the floor in the middle of the line and some of the people behind us were like omg are you okay and i was like yes pls just go around me i’ll be okay

and then the cramp went away and the people held our spots for us!! such kind people ily if you’re reading this

we got in right at 8 when the show was supposed to start (but they ended up starting later which im just assuming was so that everyone could get in)

during-show

y’all everyone kept screaming even tho the boys weren’t on stage yet and it hella freaked out my friend and i when we left to get water

we literally rushed back and my friend tripped up the stairs but it’s fine we made it back in time

anyway their energy is just off the charts like i was hyped as hell from beginning to end. they really know how to bring a crowd up and their stage presence is amazing. no awkward moments whatsoever and very smooth transitions from one stage to the next i was actually really impressed

and they said the bay had the realest energy and i was ready to NUT

my heart cried when they left a mic stand for hyungwon for ex girl, i really love how thoughtful the boys are when a member is missing. they take ohana to a new level it’s just endearing to see how much they truly care for one another

i would also like to have a moment of appreciation bc they didn’t say san fran at all?? i was lowkey expecting them to but they didn’t :’) (pls never say san fran it’s a big no from me)

wonho lowkey tried to throw chocolate to the upper balcony i saw him aiming a bit higher and i appreciate his effort so much

also as a former tech crew member in high school, a moment of appreciation for all the tech effects, they really added to the whole experience of the show and i thoroughly enjoyed the different effects and the timing of everything

appreciation for the stage hands who brought the bench on stage, i hope y’all heard me cheer for you bc i know what that’s like

also… i really loved seeing all the spike tape on the stage for whatever reason

anyway back to the boys

minhyuk jooheon kihyun and i.m came out and they asked us who was the most romantic (i said kihyun bc that boy was smooth as shit in that one video) and a lot of people said minhyuk so they made him do aegyo and OMFG MINHYUK’S AEGYO HAHAHAHA THAT SHIT WAS SO FUNNY all he said was “san francisco… oh my god” and then he kept repeating oh my god and OMG and he and jooheon were switching off and their voices were getting lower and i.m was like “yo this is not cute this is just weird” i got it on video if anyone wants to see it lmao

and then wonho and shownu came out like “…what kind of weird things were you guys talking about”

speaking of videos, all the videos i have of their songs are shaky af bc i was bopping at the same time but if anyone still wants to see them i can send a google drive link your way hehe

from zero was the cutest shit ever. im still really sad hyungwon couldnt make it but the sub did a great job in his place!!

i needa take a moment to just talk about wonho bc that man can go from cocky daddy to a total sweetie. like… he totally knows he’s a walking sex god (a small moment of silence for when kihyun just like pulled wonho’s jacket down to try to expose his arms during his intro) but then he’ll talk about how he tried to perform extra well to make up for hyungwon not being there and he’s trying to put on a better show and you can really tell how much he cares about us and ugh 

ALSO

WONHO IS SCULPTED BY THE GODS I WAS WAAAAAY UP IN THE UPPER BALCONY AND EVEN I COULD SEE HOW DEFINED HE IS SO PROPS TO HIM

i popped the FUCK off at the 24k magic cover oh my god y’all i love bruno and i got so excited when shownu minhyuk and i.m covered it, and it was so damn lit. like i was a lil bummed when i found out they werent gonna do the second verse bc it’s my fav part of the song but i.m’s rap was AMAZING and fit really well and oh my god don’t even get me started on the dance breaks omfffff

their outfits were cute as shit too

also appreciation for i.m’s voice. i just really like his voice im such a slut for deep voices ok this is why he’s my wrecker

jooheon and kihyun are just something else when they come together, i love what they’re able to offer to each other and able to create as a unit it’s just really cool to see :’)

also i must say… seeing jooheon’s deep ass dimples and kihyun’s nice ass cheekbones are such a blessing

OH AND THEIR AEGYO

THE AIR... POP SHIT BRUH I WAS DED

THE RED OUTFITS ARE SUCH A LOOK UGHHH

i almost cried when broken heart came on, such a beautiful song AND THEY LEFT A SPACE IN THE MIDDLE FOR HYUNGWON UGH MY HEART

blind, trespass, and rush were arguably the most hype songs of the night, like ive never went so hard in my life

also a moment to talk about shownu bc like… idk i’ve noticed he’s a lot more quiet than other leaders of idol groups so i wasn’t really sure what to expect but i gained so much respect for him?? he has great stage presence and is really well-spoken and charismatic damn gemini AND HE’S JUST SO TALENTED

omg there was this one part where wonho said “hyungwon actually made a recovery earlier than expected” and like the way he said it made it seem like hyungwon was gonna make a surprise appearance but nah

but it’s okay bc they all said they wanna come back to the bay asap and y’all can BET i’ll be there

i appreciated their english speaking, like during their intros and goodbyes it was heartwarming to see their efforts to communicate w us

surprisingly they didnt really talk much about how it was their 800 days?? idk i was kinda expecting them to address it but they didnt

omg their bows were adorable, they like held hands and moved across the stage in a line to bow to different parts of the venue it was so cute to watch

post-show

my friend and i waited in the merch line that moved pretty quickly actually?? but there were only stickers left and i thought it was more important for my friend to get something bc it was her first concert and she really wanted something to remember it by so i passed (also stickers were $25 what even)

but it’s cool bc she let me have a hyungwon sticker (and a cute lil logo bc there were two of them)!! theyre probably gonna live in my phone case bc i have a clear one so y’all BET im taking my mans everywhere w me

she really enjoyed herself which i was really happy to see!! being there for someone’s first concert is magical 10/10 would recommend

i also enjoyed myself in case i didnt make that clear lmao. despite the rough pre-concert experience, seeing those boys do their thing made everything worth it and i’m so glad i got to experience their first world tour :’) also ive never let loose to the extent that i did sober tonight so props to monsta x for bringing out my bay area hyphy lmaooo

i just wanna say thank you to monsta x for coming to sf, putting on a good show, and making us feel loved and appreciated. i was hella surprised when an sf show was announced considering most groups usually just go to LA, so thanks for giving the bay a chance and showing us such a fun time!!

and shoutout to the monbebes for being such a cute crowd. i loved seeing everyone waving their light sticks and arms and just having a good time, and cheering so hard for these talented and hardworking men

also seeing everyone come out of hi-touch all happy and smiley and starstruck was the cutest thing, so if you got to experience that i’m so happy for you and i hope you enjoyed seeing those boys up close!! would’ve done it myself but im an unemployed college kid so anything over $100 wasn’t an option for me

((another also, im v sorry to everyone behind me if my aggressive arm waving got in the way of your view i was enjoying myself way too much))

all in all, my first kpop concert was a huge success!! came in not knowing what to expect (it’s a bit different from the other shows/concerts ive been to in the past, but a good different!!), but still had a lit ass night :)