#idk i woke up yesterday and suddenly cared them a lot

[ikilledamanforthisurl]

only five of those pebbles

[dzpenumbra]

1/17/23

Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. The second my head hit the pillow the dark thoughts just poured in. It was rough. First stretch, I got like 1 hour of sleep. I kept waking up and needing to readjust, then freaking out, then feeling sick. I honestly can't remember the last time I legit felt run down. It must've been like... the last time I got vaccinated, honestly. I just don't really get sick much, which is surprising because I lived in a really gross and unhealthy house for a long time. But now... now I'm legit run-down.

I woke up after like an hour and felt like I had to shit, like diarrhea shit, but it was the opposite, I was constipated. But it was just... ugh. My body was just like "I want this out" and just going through all the different methods, I guess. Idk. I started to feel super nauseous, so I grabbed a bowl, refilled my water and stumbled back to bed. I just felt rotten. A bit of a fever, but cold extremities. But honestly, it was the head-game that got me the most. I mean this wholeheartedly, if I had just gotten the shot and felt like shit - without my parents shitting doom into my brain - I really don't think my brain would've gone there. I would've just gone "man, this sucks, I feel pretty crappy and I wish I had someone to take care of me." But those stupid conspiracy theory seeds planted in my head took root and had me freaking out most of the night. I ended up getting up around 9, after tossing and turning for a few hours, I got a granola bar and some yogurt, fed the cat and brought my weighted blanket to the beanbag chair. I spent most of the rest of the day in the chair, I said fuck it and took the day off completely.

I tried to do yoga, and did succeed. I'm surprised I even tried, to be honest. I just felt like garbage. It wasn't too rough, but the headaches were the worst part. All the forward folds and going from plank to standing really quickly just kept giving me splitting headaches, so I'd have to pause the video. It was rough, I almost tapped out... but I saw it through, I just didn't really push myself as much as I usually do.

I started getting texts from my mom about mid-day. Not even mentioning yesterday, trying to buy me a fucking workbench again. Just pretending like all the shit they dumped on me yesterday didn't happen, and like she didn't dodge a call from me. I just... didn't respond. I didn't know how. She sent me another message around 5:30 again asking me if I wanted to talk or not. And I just... again... didn't respond. I don't know what to say.

I try very hard to communicate clearly what problems I have. It has gotten me into a lot of shit when dealing with prideful people. And just in general too, I guess, I don't know. People just don't really like hearing the blunt truth told to them. Like, what I would say is "you guys both dangled the threat of death in front of me as a way to try to pressure and manipulate me into altering my personal medical decisions, and you did it through the guise of being 'supportive'. Then you got pissed off and scared and disappeared, leaving me to go through feeling like utter shit completely alone. Pretty sure that's not 'support'. Pretty sure that's... control." Something tells me that will not go over well, it will just lead to an argument. And I'm just done with arguments, to be honest.

Like... please tell me I'm not the only one seeing this. This like... obsession with "freedom" is not even remotely about freedom, it's about control. Like one day... the virus pops over to this continent and we have to take preventative measures to mitigate the spread, and suddenly half the country thinks their being systematically oppressed, when 3 months prior you couldn't bother them to get off the fucking couch. It's juvenile. It's not about principles, it's not about evidence. Here, let me use an example to show what's going on.

In fall of 2018, I found out that one of my earliest friends who I had known since I was like... 12? had died, and I was told it was related to fentanyl. That was a very serious trauma for me, it hit me very hard. We had grown apart over the years as his drug use escalated, but still... he was a part of my life, you know. We had memories. He is part of my history. I knew his family. So like... 8 months later? My dad finds out I'm smoking weed again after 15 years of actively avoiding it. And, despite having zero contact with me, is convinced that it's making me "psychotic" and "dangerous". Really, just coming up with a conclusion and then googling for whatever dots he can connect to try and persuade me that he is correct, to convince me via email that I am unknowingly being drugged and going crazy. So this fucker sends me an email - while I'm high - that is an article from some fucking periodical in Long Island or something? Like just some random local rag he googled. And the article is about how people shouldn't be buying weed because it's "fentanyl-laced weed". And he acted like he was my goddamn savior. By literally traumatizing me while I was extremely vulnerable, but using one of my past traumas against me, to try to control my actions.

Okay, you know... I felt myself getting political earlier and it's making me uncomfortable. So whatever with the general shit above, of course there are injustices in the world, of course there are problems. But like... a lot of people - I would stretch to say most - respond to fear with control. Instead of addressing the fear. Instead of engaging the fear. They control their environment to be able to avoid the fear, or snuff out the cause of the fear, and come up with any narrative they can find to justify not directly engaging with the fear. So they never have to process the concept. Like an extension of repression, but focused outwards. Just an observation, something to be aware of, because it seems to be something we as a species are very prone to.

I'm exhausted, I feel like shit and honestly, I don't want to relive this crap. I just want to sleep and zone out, and watch mindless TV. I have no idea how to talk to my parents about this, I am just creating space. They hurt me very deeply, and it's still very raw, and I don't trust myself to be able to communicate how this affected me without pointing fingers.

I am not good at boundaries. This is a boundary I really need to have, it's devastating to me. Fear-mongering and trying to scare someone out of a serious decision they are making for their self is not support. I don't know how to communicate how unhealthy this is without telling them what they cannot do. Like, I can say "if you do this again, I'm going to have to leave," and that sounds like a threat, like I'm just turning the tables and trying to control them. If I say "you cannot treat me this way," it looks like an ultimatum, it's giving them orders, telling them what to do. If I say "when you treat me this way, this is how it affects me," they just twist it around, trying to get me to change how it affects me. As though I 'got it wrong' or something.

It is. SO. Unhealthy. And I swear to god, every time I'm on an upswing with my PTSD shit... they just dump some new bullshit on me, crushing my spirit, reopening my trauma. And I have to like, go back into a cocoon and recover again, by myself. And all my progress I was making on my life? Not just halted, but all the daily life tasks start piling up again, right when I got caught up. I blink and suddenly I haven't streamed in a month. Suddenly I'm going to bed at 5:30 AM again. Suddenly I'm scared to leave my house again. Suddenly I feel like everyone out there is out to get me again. I fucking wonder why...

So I'm just going to wait until Wednesday, talk to my therapist, see how he recommends handling this. In the meantime, I'm just going to focus on staying alive and managing morale. Resting and recovering. Finding peace and happiness where I can find it. I'm already starting to feel a bit better, we'll see how the rest of the night goes. Worse comes to worse I can just sleep in the beanbag chair again.

[its-deputy-caleb]

haiiiiiiiiiiiiii can we get a john x fem reader wherein the reader is the doctor and a friend of the macfarlanes and they patch him up after getting shot by bill LOL (rdr1!! i’m not sure if you’ve played that but if you havent it’s ok to ignore this tysm :3)

WOAHH this is long overdue but I haven’t played the first (don’t kill me) so I decided to watch a 10hr play through— I’m yet to finish it cause its long and I’m watching it in short segments but I think I could tackle this. I really hope this doesn’t flop bc idk what I’m doing lmao.

-----------------------------------

It’s just a regular afternoon when Bonnie returns back to the ranch, you’re cleaning some of the medical cabinets, making lists of what needs to be topped up when you next take a trip to town or the Ranch’s general store. It’s light work for an easy afternoon but that all change pretty quickly when Bonnie came storming through the door, asking you for help on a man who’d been shot and needed urgent medical attention.

The list of medicines is dropped to the floor as she shows you to one of the units where he was currently laid out in the bed. You sat down, clearing his shirt and jacket to stop the bleeding and clean the wound. You were well focused on your work, stitching up the wound with practiced ease and addressing his other minor injuries like the small cut to the back of his head from hitting the ground and the bruising to his ribs from the bullet wound. Unbeknown to you, Bonnie has taken a stand behind your shoulder to watch you work.

“Damn fool thought he could take out Bill Williamson.”

“Bill Williamson?”

You could only stare down in surprise at the unconscious man before you. A man like Bill Williamson was not to be reckoned with, especially in a shootout if the evidence before you is anything to go by.

It took a few more hours of care but Bonnie stayed with you to make light of the situation and keep you company, only coming and going to bring back any supplies you needed. Once you’d properly bandaged his abdomen you stood from the shabby wooden stool you were sitting on and dusted your hands. You collected your tools into your bag and placed a soft hand to Bonnie’s shoulder.

“He should be fine now. He’s going to need lots of rest while his wound heals and he’ll probably be disoriented and dehydrated when he wakes but nothing more, you’ll find me if his condition worsens?”

Bonnie gave you a short nod in agreement, happy to stay with him for a few hours while you went and got some rest.

-

John woke with a splitting headache and a burning pain in his side. The events of the last few days coming back to him. He didn’t get time to think about it much however, when a golden haired woman came through the door, instantly giving him a light hearted lecture about chasing after Bill Williamson and getting shot at.

“Well while you may have done something stupid— we got to you in time and the Doc fixed you up real fine, got the bullets removed a few days ago. You’re a lucky man Mr…err?”

John made his way to the edge of the bed, sitting up and groaning at the pain that is usual for a bullet wound.

“Mr. Marston— John Marston and I suppose I should be thankin’ him for fixing me up.”

The woman leaned against the handle of the door, watching him shuffle on his feet awkwardly as she smirked at him.

“Bonnie MacFarlane. Miss, Bonnie MacFarlane and I hope you do thank her. She did a real fine job of takin’ care of you. She spends her mornings up on the hill by one of the large oak trees by the paddock, I suggest you pay her a visit before you start working off your medical bills.”

And with that, John picked up his hat from the wooden table that Bonnie had saved for him and started making his way over to you.

-

You were standing over by one of the smaller sheep paddocks off to the side of the MacFarlane Ranch and took in a deep breath, basking in the morning sun and leaning your elbows against the fence. You usually took the mornings to yourself, having half an hour to wake up slowly and enjoy yourself before you tented to a range of injuries and illnesses. Having been longtime friends to Bonnie and her father, your family had always been respected at the ranch and that came with certain privileges such as time off work in the morning.

Your peaceful moment was distributed, but not unpleasantly as you noticed the man who Bonnie bought in yesterday walking towards you. When he reached a certain distance his hat came off and held it in his hands, flattening his stringy hair as he addressed you.

“Pardon me ma’am, I didn’t mean to disturb you. Miss MacFarlane said you were the one needed thanking for taking care o’ me— so thank you.”

You noticed how he fiddled with the brim of his hat in his hands, trying not to look what you’d guess was embarrassed.

After you two introduced each other and you accepted John’s thanks, you offered for him to come and stand beside you by the fence.

“So who does a man have to be to go after an outlaw and bandit such as Bill Williamson?”

Your question was supposed to be lighthearted and fun, ready to tease him just as Bonnie had done for waltzing into Fort Mercer alone. You didn’t expect for John to answer you honestly

“An old friend…”

You stared at him in shock but he didn’t seem to notice as he stared out into the paddock of grazing sheep.

“Wait you know Bill Williamson?”

He could only nod for a moment, giving you a polite but almost sad smile at what seemed like a painful memory.

“Yes ma’am. There was a time when Bill and I weren’t so different.”

-

You actually spent a lot longer than you’d anticipated talking to John. For some reason unknown to you, John seemed to open up a fair bit. Maybe it all came down to the fact that you were approachable and kind, a quality you needed as the ranches doctor. Nevertheless he spent hours telling you about some of his time with the old ‘Van Der Linde Gang’. John spoke of train robberies and homesteads, what it was like to steal from folk and live wildly. He even mentioned gang rivalries and the epic tale of surviving a wolf attack.

He told you of some of the best times and even the worst but all of them were distance memories and he seemed quick to change the topic about why exactly he wanted to ‘reunite’ with Bill.

“What about you, Miss? How’d you end up here? Don’t see many female doctors around— w-with no offence intended ma’am.”

You let out a small laugh, hearing his curiosity turn to something desperate as he realised he may have been offensive. You kept your weight on one elbow, facing towards him and smiled.

“Well my daddy is the head doctor but he’s now semi retired. He’s a good man but he wasn’t always a doctor. A long time ago, when I was just a little girl our family were ranch handlers just like Bonnie’s family, but well… one season all the cattle got sick and were dying so my father moved to medicine. The MacFarlane’s are old friends and we’ve been with them ever since.”

John hummed, turning his gaze from you to stare at the vast Ranch that was almost a village in his eyes.

“Seem like good people— real decent folk.”

You nodded in response, growing up on this ranch became your home and you loved the MacFarlane’s very deeply.

“Indeed they are Mr.Marston, decent folk are hard to come by these days.”

Your pleasant conversation with John was suddenly interrupted by Bonnie who whistled down by the stables, clearly signalling for John to come and assist her with chores around the ranch. You could only hope that meant seeing more of John.

“It seems Miss MacFarlane will be needing my help. Thank you again ma’am, you saved my life.”

You didn’t get to say much as John took your hand in his, brining it to his mouth in a polite kiss to your knuckle before walking down the hill. He didn’t get far before you stopped him one last time.

“Oh Mr. Marston! I need to ride into town tomorrow to restock on medicines that they don’t stock at the general store. Would you be so kind as to accompany me?”

You eyes were full of hope and joy as he nodded and gave you a warm smile.

“It’s John, and I could think of nothing better than to help you ma’am”

You couldn’t stop the smile that spread onto your face as you watched John load his horse and ride of with Bonnie and a few others to work at various places around the ranch. You couldn’t stop the fluttery feeling in your stomach either at the anticipation and excitement of getting to see the mysterious but intriguing man John Marston.

(I will do a part 2 since i need more time to get a feel for rdr1!!)

[elliesguitarstrings]

Silence (Part 1/Prologue)

Peter Parker x stark!reader

Summary: You and Peter have been best friends ever since he stepped foot into the avengers compound. After a year of being friends you realize you’ve developed a crush on him, but he doesn’t feel the same way... at least, you don’t think he does.

A/N: This is my first ever post so idk how many people will see it but if you do feel free to send in any requests for Tom Holland or any of his characters and tell me if you like this story - part 2 coming soon!

Warnings: language, awkwardness, a little bit of fluff

italics mean flashbacks

~~~~~~~~

Today was a special day. Well, to you that is. To everyone else, it was just a normal Saturday. But to you, and hopefully to Peter too, it was special.

Today marks one year of you and Peter first meeting. One year since he walked through the glass elevator doors of the Avengers Compound. One year since you met your best friend. You remember it like it was yesterday.

Waking you up from a deep sleep, you hear a loud knock on your door, one you recognized only to be your dad’s.

He opens the door and peeks his head in.

“Hey, get up and come into the living room. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

Barely awake, you respond, “No, let me sleep. It’s too early for this shit.”

“Watch your language young lady! Now get your ass out of bed and be out in ten minutes.”

He walks away, not even bothering to close the door.

You groan into your pillow and proceed to throw it across the room as you reluctantly get out of bed.

Lately you’ve been fed up with everyone in the compound, and you’re taking out all your anger on them. But what else are you supposed to do? Everyone treats you like a kid, but they still expect you to act like an adult. They don’t let you go on missions, but they still make you train. They don’t let you go to actual school, but they make you study twice as hard. Everyone is just so hard on you, especially your dad, and you’re fucking done with it.

You walk into the bathroom and pull your hair up into a quick ponytail, not bothering to brush your mess of hair. Hastily, you brush your teeth and splash some water on your face in an attempt to make yourself look somewhat alive, but the dark circles are still extremely noticeable. You walk back into your bedroom and think about changing out of your hoodie and shorts, but you decide against it. You look halfway decent, and whoever it is that your dad wants you to meet certainly can’t be so important that you have to change into something nice.

After a quick look in the mirror, you slowly make your way into the living room, dreading the coming interaction with another one of your dad’s boring co-workers.

However, when you look up and see a teenage boy sitting next to your dad on the sofa, your mood changes.

Your dad stands up and turns to you, gesturing at the boy.

“Y/N, this is Peter Parker, Spiderman, whatever you want to call him. He’s the newest addition to the team, and he’s moving into the compound in a few days. He’s the same age as you, so I thought you should show him around. So be nice.”

Peter blushes and smiles, giving you a small wave.

Suddenly you regret not changing.

He’s cute. So fucking cute. He has fluffy brown hair, brown puppy dog eyes, the cutest smile, and he’s your age. Your age. Everything about him is perfect.

Realizing that you have been staring for probably a little to long, you speak up.

“Um, hi Peter, I’m Y/N. Uh, it’s- it’s nice to have you here. Sorry I look like shit.”

“Oh, um, thanks.” Peter responds, just as awkwardly as you.

“You don’t look like shit by the way,” he adds, “you look pretty.”

You smile, about to say thank you when your dad interrupts.

“Well, that was really fucking awkward, but I think you two are going to get along just fine. I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it then, see ya around.”

He winks at you as he leaves to go to his lab, and you roll your eyes in return, mentally hitting yourself at how embarrassing this whole interaction has been so far.

You turn to Peter, “So, uh, why don’t I show you around and you can meet everyone.”

“Sounds good to me!” he smiles.

You start in the kitchen and show him around the compound: the movie room, the game room, the pool, the sun room, the training room, the labs, and the bedrooms, introducing him to all of the Avengers along the way. Finally, you stop at the largest spare bedroom, which happens to be right across from yours.

“This is probably gonna be your room. No one really uses it right now but since it’s the biggest one I thought you might want it.”

“Oh, um, thanks, but even the smallest room here is like ten times bigger than my room, so I’d be happy with anything. But since it’s across from you, I’ll take it.”

You blush, not sure if he’s flirting with you or just trying to be nice. Either way, it’s not helping your already developing crush on him.

“So, um, that’s the tour I guess. What do you want to do now?” you ask, hoping he doesn’t want to leave so you can spend more time with him.

“Well Happy isn’t taking me back home until three, so we still have a few hours to do whatever. It doesn’t matter to me.”

“Do you just want to hang out in my room? Maybe watch a movie?”

“Sure! Sounds great!”

The two of you walk across the hall to your room and you open the door, regretting again your poor choice to not clean up this morning. Your bed was a mess, your clothes were strewn everywhere, and your desk was piled high with papers and books.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, my room is such a mess.” you exclaim, rushing to push your clothes in the corner and hastily pull your covers up in a sad attempt to make the bed.

Peter smiles and laughs, “Don’t worry, if you think this is messy, you should see my room. This is nothing.”

You laugh as well, sitting down on your bed and grabbing the TV remote. You pat your bed, motioning for Peter to sit down next to you.

“Y- you want me to sit next to you? Like on your bed?” he asks, clearly shocked.

“Oh, um, yeah. But only if you want. You can sit on the beanbag chair over there instead, I guess. I just thought the bed would be more comfortable. And you would be able to see the TV better.”

“Oh, um, ok. That’s fine.”

He makes his way over to your bed and sits next to you, and you silently turn on the TV, starting to overthink everything.

There was a boy. On. Your. Bed. You weren’t doing anything, but still. You suddenly realized how little interaction you’ve had with people your age. Even girls. You didn’t go to school, so you only hung out with the Avengers. The closest person to your age was Wanda, and even she was a lot older than you.

‘Am I being too forward?’ you started to think to yourself. ‘Should I have not asked him to sit on my bed? What is he thinking right now? Oh my god, this is so bad. He probably thinks I’m so weird. He probably hates me. Fuck.’

When you see him looking in your direction, you decide to stuff the thoughts in the back of your head and try to act as normal as possible.

“So, what should we watch?” you ask.

“Um, do you, uh... do you like Star Wars?”

“Are you kidding me? I LOVE Star Wars!” you exclaim, the tension and awkwardness easing slightly.

“Really? My favorite is A New Hope.”

“No shit! Mine too!”

“Then A New Hope it is I guess!”

You turn on the movie, smiling, and you notice that he scoots a little closer to you, seemingly more comfortable.

A few minutes into the movie, Peter breaks the silence between you two and asks, “So what’s it like living with the Avengers?”

“Oh,” you look away from the TV, “it’s cool I guess. But after a while it’s gotten pretty boring. And really frustrating.”

“Frustrating? Why?”

“It’s just, well, they treat me like a kid all the time. And before you say it, yes, I know I am a kid, but it’s still annoying. There’s no one here even close to my age, I mean fuck, Thor’s like 1500 years old. And none of them know how to talk to me. They act like I’m a toddler even though I’m literally sixteen and they never let me go on missions with them, because they don’t think I’m ready even though I’ve been training since I was like ten – “

You cut yourself off, realizing you’ve been ranting for probably a little too long.

“Sorry about that,” you mumble. “It’s just that I haven’t really had anyone to talk to about this.”

“No! Don’t be sorry. That fucking sucks. Not gonna lie, you’re kinda making me regret moving here if that’s how everyone’s gonna treat me,” he laughs.

“They’re not gonna treat you like that.”

“Why wouldn’t they? I’m the same age as you.”

“Because. You’re a fucking superhero. They don’t give a fuck about your age if you can climb walls and shoot spider webs out of your hands.”

“Well, even if they don’t treat me like a kid then I’ll still back you up.”

He puts a hand on your shoulder and smiles. You blush and smile back.

“Thanks”

“Of course.”

He scoots even closer to you so that your shoulders are barely touching. If this had happened five minutes earlier, you would be freaking out. But now, something is different. You aren’t sure what, but you suddenly feel more calm and comfortable with him around.

You finish the rest of the movie in silence, and you realize you let your head fall onto his shoulder. You were scared he would push your head away, but he didn’t care.

“You awake?” he asks.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I just didn’t get much sleep last night and my dad woke me up early, well, to meet you.”

He smiles down at you, and suddenly your dad bursts through the door. You scramble to sit up, lifting your head off Peter’s shoulder.

“Hey kid, Happy’s here to – oh?” He stares at the two of you sitting next to each other in your bed, both blushing. “Jesus, you’ve only just met and you already slept together? At least tell me you used protection.”

“DAD, OH MY GOD, NO!” you exclaim, blushing even harder now.

“Mr. Stark, I promise. We- we were just watching a movie. Nothing happened!” Peter assures him.

“Sure, sure,” your dad winks at the two of you.

“Dad, seriously. Nothing happened!” you groan in frustration.

“Whatever. Anyways, Happy’s here to take you back to Queens Pete. Be down in five.” He leaves the room.

“God, that was fucking embarrassing,” Peter laughs getting up from the bed.

“That’s my dad for you.”

You both walk to the door, and before you leave the room, you give him a small hug.

“I’m glad you’re moving in, Peter.”

“Me too,” he smiles, “Friends?”

“Definitely.”

You smile thinking back on the memory. After that day, you and Peter have spent almost every hour of every day together. You’re rarely ever apart, even at night. You sleep with him in his bed, and he sleeps with you in yours. The rest of the team bugs the two of you to get together, but you both agree that you are just friends.  Best friends cuddle with each other and kiss each other’s foreheads and play with each other’s hair, right?

[ragnarachael]

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Reader

Word Count: 1,490

Summary: You didn’t need your famous celebrity boyfriend to spoil you all the time. Though, there are certainly times where you wish you weren’t so stubborn and stayed determined to keep your job in retail.

Author’s Ramblings: i’ve been doing a lot of writing rather than reading, idk if we could tell by the EVERYTHING about my blog lately. (also, i’ll be tagging my loki taglist here! if you don’t want to be tagged in hiddleston content i post on here, just message me!)

LOKI/HIDDLESTON TAGLIST: @myraiswack​ @bellesque​ (once again belle, sorry i forgot to tag u in my other loki things, consider this my apology letter to u)

MASTERLIST !    FEEDBACK !   AO3 LINK !

You didn’t plan on joining Tom for his nap. You really didn’t. But it was one of those rare days where you both were just out of energy, willing to let the exhaustion take over and sleep for an unspecified amount of time. 

And besides, Tom had an open schedule, and you finally had a handful of days off at your standard retail job. You weren't scheduled to work again until the end of the week. 

You carefully climbed into bed when you surrendered after weighing your pros and cons, still dressed in your pajamas from the morning when you woke up just like Tom. You eyed him carefully as you shimmied onto the mattress next to him as he was laying on his side. He was facing your designated side of the bed that you both shared with light snores while his arm that wasn’t under the pillow supporting his head was out and seemingly already reaching for you. 

What kind of girlfriend would you be to turn down such an invite?

Tom was a heavy sleeper when he wanted to be if he was overworked, and today was no exception. In a matter of minutes you had your face buried in his chest, his free arm wrapped around your waist loosely as you started to get comfortable with using him as your pillow for the most part. 

And within a few minutes, you were asleep. Warm, protected by your lover’s arm that was slowly starting to curl around your middle as his sleeping brain registered that you were finally in his grasp. It seemed like Tom was awake when that happened, but you knew he wasn’t due to the soft snores that were still being pulled from his throat. It was nice to know that even in his sleep he wanted you close as possible. 

You were asleep. Happy, almost clinging to Tom like a lifeline as you let yourself check out and relax. 

Until your phone started to ring about two hours later. 

At first, you didn’t know what the ringing was. You thought it was your alarm at first, but you stayed still until the irritating repetition of the tone completely pulled you from unconsciousness. It kicked your brain into high gear which caused you to jerk up suddenly only to realize it was your ringtone rather than your alarm tone. 

And there could only be one other contact that could break through your Do Not Disturb function other than Tom, who was now starting to show signs of waking up as well. 

You groaned and let your head fall back onto what you could only assume was Tom’s chest, tightening your grip on him instantly as you kept your eyes shut tight. You didn’t want to be awake right now. You wanted to stay in your dream, in comfort and keep relaxing and not worry about the work call you were getting. You just worked for almost a week straight, what the hell could they possibly want from you now?

Tom seemed to groan with you, both of his arms wrapping around you as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

“‘M sorry,” you mumbled loudly, curling your leg around his hips a bit more as if that would stop your phone from ringing. “I knew I should have shut the damn thing off.”

“Mm,” Tom hummed groggily as he breathed in before releasing that breath in a soft sigh. “‘S alright. D’you know what they want?”

You took a deep breath, slowly peeling yourself from the comfort of Tom’s chest, keeping your eyes closed so you didn’t lose any of the sleepiness you still felt. 

“Could be asking for me to pick up some shifts. Could be calling to say that I’m fired.”

“Oh, stop it,” Tom said breathlessly, chuckling as his hand found some of your smooth skin under the hem of your shirt that was riding up your stomach as you sat up in your weird position. 

You were almost sitting completely on top of him, you realized. 

“I’m not wrong.”

“You’re a damn good worker, darling. They wouldn’t fire you over a phone call.”

“You’d be surprised,” you mused, finally letting your hands move up to rub the sleep out of your eyes as the ringing finally came to an end. Both you and Tom breathed out a sigh of relief, the assault on your ears done for the time being. 

Tom’s hand took its time slowly trailing up and down the expanse of your bare back under your shirt as you tried to wake up enough to get the courage to look at your phone. 

“I don’t want to be awake,” you complained lightly, almost like a child. Your face was pulled into the pout and everything as you opened your eyes to match the look you were giving Tom. Yesterday’s shift was your final straw - you were tired, pissed off, and just wanted the few days you were given to relax at home with your boyfriend and not think about going back to work for a bit. Maybe take care of your neglected laundry.

Anything to avoid going out into the public eye for a few days.

“I know,” Tom replied gently, almost as if he was talking to one of his nieces—it was a gentle, kind voice. One that was designed to calm them down and not have them go into another tantrum. “I know. I wish we were still asleep too, love.”

You let another groan rip out of your throat as you decided to fall back on the bed dramatically, Tom’s hand being forcefully taken away from its spot under your sleep shirt. He let out a rough laugh before his hand found another spot on your thigh that was still over his hips. 

“You should see what they want. I don’t want you fired, even if I’m more than sure you don’t need to keep that job—“

“I’m not going to let you spoil me like that, Thomas.” You tried not to push your leg up into his touch. “I don’t need my celebrity boyfriend paying for everything. I can do it.”

“I’m just telling you the offer still stands,” Tom retaliated gently, finally starting to sit up now with a grunt. Your eyes were quick to find his bed head in the dimly lit room. You assumed from the sunlight that was barely filtering in from the window that it was about late afternoon. “Whenever you want it, it’s yours.”

You lifted your head up from the mattress slightly, trying not to seem phased by the fond, caring look he was giving you at the moment. 

“Can I have a kiss?” You questioned suddenly, brushing off the previous topic completely. Your sleep riddled brain did nothing to hide your sudden needs for Tom, as per usual.

“When you’ve looked at your phone, certainly.”

“You truly hate me,” you whined, pulling your thigh from his hand before slowly rolling over onto your stomach to drag yourself up the mattress to grab at your phone on the nightstand.

Tom’s laughter continued to make you feel warm and tingly all over, all while you heard a soft thud as your fingers finally curled over the plastic edge of your phone case. You realized that Tom probably decided to lay back on the bed. You wouldn’t blame him. You’re not ready to leave this mattress at any cost. 

Once your phone was in your hand, you were quick to unlock it and go to your phone widget to see the voicemail in your inbox that was left. Tom watched you with his arms placed behind his head lazily as you pressed your phone to your ear, shifting around on the bed so you had your phone propped up with the pillow against the side of your head rather than hold it with your hand.

“Just as I thought,” you mumbled as you listened to the audio. “They want me to pick up a shift either tonight or tomorrow night.”

Tom didn’t hold back his groan of irritation as you pulled your phone away from your ear to lock it and toss it face down onto the bed.

“They just had you work five days straight! You’re part-time, the last time I checked.” 

“I’m aware,” you sighed, rubbing one of your eyes again as you rolled over and into Tom’s side to place your head on his chest again. “It’s a closing shift though. It should be fine. I’ll have to call back and tell them I’ll take it.”

“You know you don’t have to—“

“I know, I know,” you chastised. “Extra money in the paycheck. I want to see if I can break into the next hundreds with this one.”

Tom snorted as he extended an arm to wrap around your shoulders. “Need I mention the offer again?”

“No, Thomas. Now cuddle me before I call my manager back.”

[kyber-kisses]

Say That Again

Dean Winchester x Reader

Warnings: the usual angst, idk my guys

Summary: When a witch puts a curse on the reader, she wakes up in the bunker having no idea who she is. Dean tries desperately to get you to remember anything.

A/N: once again, it’s been a while since I posted a one-shot, and this is probably terrible since I pumped it out in like an hour, but I no longer care, so I give you this mess😊

You let out a deep sigh, snuggling deeper into your comforter, lazily trying to chase yourself back into the dream you were having. You hadn’t felt this tired in ages, and for some reason your body felt like it was being weighed down. . . But you didn’t care.

In your half conscious state, you blinked ever so slightly, shifting around in your comforter some more to get comfortable, and then you froze, eyes snapping open to glance around the room.

None of it looked familiar. Not the grey walls, not the old furniture, or linoleum floors. You had no idea where you were.

And that had you propelling forward on the bed, eyes glancing around for anything you could use to defend yourself in this foreign place. You saw nothing.

Slipping quietly out of the bed, you silently moved through the room, easing open drawers in hopes of finding something. The only light coming from the small lamp on the desk. Eventually you found yourself lifting up the mattress, slightly surprised to find a well sized knife tucked underneath.

“What the hell?” You mumbled, fingers wrapping around the handle to pick it up. If you had been kidnapped, why the hell would your captors leave weapons just lying around?

You had to get out of here. . . Wherever here was.

Working your way towards the door, you slowly turned the knob, easing it open and cautiously sticking your head out.

What the hell was this place?

There were no windows to be seen, and the place looked old from what you could see of it. You were in a hallway, the walls painted the same dull grey as the room behind you.

You could hear the faint chatter of someone talking echo down the hallway, making you tilt your head in curiosity.

You should have moved in the opposite direction, looking for a way out, but you found your feet slowly carrying you down the hallway towards the source of the voice, knife hidden behind you back as you peeked down hallways and into open rooms, looking for anybody.

“Y/n, what the hell are you doing?”

The voice came out of nowhere, making you spin quickly to grab the persons wrist, pushing it back suddenly, getting a yell from them as you drove your fist into their nose.

You heartbeat was skyrocketing as you watched the man stumble back, grabbing his face. “Y/n, the hell?!” He groaned, taking back his hand to observe the blood on it, his eyes then snapping up to you in confusion.

Your eyes brows knitted together as you backed away from him slowly, “who the hell is y/n?” You questioned, not having a clue to who he was talking about.

Hearing the question, the man froze, slowly lowering his sleeve from his face as he was trying to wipe the blood away. His face immediately being taken over by concern.

The look he was giving you had your stomach doing flips as you watched himself. You hated to admit it, but he was pretty. He was really, really pretty. You tilted your head, waiting for the man to do something, completely forgetting about the knife in your hand as it clattered to the floor behind you, making the man jump at the sound, eyes widening even more as he saw the knife.

“Y/n, I need you to listen to me-“ he spoke cautiously, taking slow steps towards you, hands raised in peace.

There it was again, that name. Were you y/n?

You would have backed up, but once again, you were frozen, eyes watching the man in front of you. “I’m sorry- am I supposed to know you?”

*. *. *. *. *.

Dean swore he felt his heart stop in that moment. He knew something was really, really off the moment you asked who y/n was, but this? You were looking at him like he was a stranger.

And it made his stomach churn.

You looked frightened, truly, truly frightened. “Y/n, I need you to listen to me very carefully, what’s the last thing you remember?” He asked, continuing his slow walk towards you.

His mind was moving at a million miles an hour as he tried to figure out what was happening to you, going through the recent cases you had worked.

Witch.

It had to be the witch hunt you had just gotten back from yesterday. It was the only things that made sense.

“I-“ you began, only to pause, eyes flooding with confusion as you tried to think back to the last thing you remembered, “I don’t know. I just woke up, and I didn’t have a clue to where a was. . . Where I am.” You corrected yourself, eyes scanning the hallway you were in.

“Okay, well first things first, let’s go sit you down so we can figure this whole situation out.” He nodded, gently taking your shoulder and steering you down the hallway.

You didn’t know why you were trusting this man, but here you were, letting him lead you through the expansive place.

“Sam, I need your help with something!” The man yelled, slightly making you jump from the sudden noise. Sensing your surprise, he turned to look at you, “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He smiled.

“It’s okay-“

The two of you stepped out of the hallway, entering a massive open space, a large lit up table in the center. To the left was what could only be described as a library.

This place was weird as fuck.

“Jeez Dean, no need to yell.” A figure walked into view from the library, once again making you jump. Except this time, you grabbed onto the mans arm besides you, suddenly seeking safety in him.

Sam's face twisted into confusion as he watched you, almost immediately sensing something was off.

“Hey, hey it alright. He’s my brother, he’s not gonna hurt you.” He promised, leading you over to the table, and pulling a chair out for you, allowing you to sit down.

“What’s going on?” Sam questioned, dropping his books on the table as he glanced between you and Dean.

“She’s been hexed. I think it was from the Witch we finished hunting yesterday.”

Your eyes widened as you spun in your chair, looking to the brothers, “okay, I’m sorry- but I have a few questions. . .”You spoke, raising you hand, feeling more and more confused by the second. It didn’t help that they both shared a worried look before turning to you. Seeing as they weren't going to say anything, you continued, “Who are you, where am I, and what do you mean Witch?!”

“Oh, uh right- I’m Dean, and this is Sam.” The short haired one motioned, “and your in a bunker, don’t worry it’s totally fine.” He promised with another wave of his hand, shifting to sit down in the chair next to you, “as for the witch, yes they are real, and we think you might have been cursed by one.”

“Oh.”

You knew your head should be spinning like a top from the information, but it wasn’t. For some reason, deep down, you felt it to be normal.

The one named Sam, rounded the table, sitting down across from you, “So, are you telling us you have no idea who we are? Who you are?” He questioned.

“Trust me, I feel like I would remember a pretty face like his.” You nodded towards Dean, unaware of the surprise on his face, along with the light blush. “As for myself, I only know my name because he told me.” You added.

Sam looked to Dean, the two silently agreeing on something, “alright, I’ll call Cas, see if he can go back to that cabin and look for anything, I’ll start checking for hex bags.” And with that, he pushed himself out of his chair and disappeared into the depths of the bunker.

“Y/n, are you sure you don’t remember anything? Anything at all?” Dean questioned, making you spin in your chair to look at him.

Holy fuck, was he gorgeous.

“I’m sorry, I- I don’t. All I know is that I trust you. I don’t know why, but I just do.”

Those words brought a little relief to Dean. . . up until the point where he saw the silent tears streaming down your face.

“Y/n, what is it?” He spoke quickly, moving to take your hands in his.

“I don’t know who I am, but more frighteningly, I feel like I should know you, but I can’t. . . I don’t remember anything. I’m sorry.” You choked, holding back the sobs crawling up your throat.

“We’re gonna figure this out, don’t you worry.” He smiled, unsure whether he was trying to comfort you or himself more.

*. *. *. *. *. *

Three days.

Three days and there was not a single sign of a hex bag anywhere in the bunker. Sam and Dean has practically torn the place apart looking for one, you helping occasionally.

Dean was also trying desperately to jump start your memory. He took you on a tour of the bunker, recalling memories, he showed you photographs and tried to fill you in on your life, and what exactly you did for a living.

Nothing.

No matter what he told you or showed you, your mind was blank. The only thing you constantly saw and remembered was the way Dean was looking at you. There was always so much worry in his eyes, but there was something else there too, something you couldn’t quite pin point, but whatever it was, it had your stomach doing flips.

“Dean, how long have we known each other?” You questioned suddenly, seated across from the Winchester in the library, his eyes scanning over the pages of yet another book.

“Uh, well-“ he looked up, bracing his arms on the table as he locked his eyes on you, “I can’t remember exactly. It’s been years, I can tell you that.”

“Oh.”

Dean let out a light laugh, eyes going back to his book. You tilted your head, trying to read the man in front of you. “What?”

“You’ve just been saying that a lot; oh.” He mused.

“Well, what do you want me to say? Hey, remember that time we blah blah blah? I don’t remember anything, you try coming up with something to say when you don’t remember shit.” You lightly fired back, slumping in your seat.

Dean watched as your face fell, his heart sinking right along with it. You were beating yourself up over this, and it was slowly driving you insane.

“Dean, what if I never get my memories back?” You added suddenly, voice slightly cracking.

Now it was Deans turn to let his face fall. And suddenly he was moving, shifting out of his chair to come kneel in front of you. “Hey, don’t say that. Sam and our friend Cas are tearing up that witches cabin right now as we speak. They’ll find something, I know it.” He promised, once again moving to grab your hands with his.

“How, how do you know?” You questioned, desperate for a solid answer. Eyes watering as you looked at him.

 Seeing you like this, it broke his heart. It was like you were caving in on yourself, giving up hope and he didn't know what to do.

“I just have to believe. Were not gonna give up until your back to your normal self. I promise.”

You squeezed your eyes shut, once again trying desperately to dig into any part of your mind and find some familiarity, some memory.

You found nothing- like always.

That’s when you started to cry. All you wanted was your memories back. You wanted to remember Dean.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I don’t remember you.” You choked, unable to see the distraught look on the Winchesters face as he looked up at you.

All of a sudden you felt a pair of hands on your face, making you rapidly blink away the water in your eyes, only to be met with another glossy set of jade ones.

“It’s me, y/n. It’s Dean.” You swore you heard his voice crack in that moment. You couldn’t tell who was falling apart more. You or the man knelt in front of you.

Dean thumbed away the tears rolling from your eyes, not once looking away from you. And then he saw your face relax, almost like a veil was being pulled away.

It was like a sudden wave of water being dumped on you. One second your mind was blank and the next, you were being flooded with memories. The downside was that it was a lot to take in, and you found yourself stumbling out of your seat, as a migraine tore through your head.Your uptight position didn’t last long before you were collapsing into Deans outstretched arms with a groan. He didn’t hesitate in wrapping them around you, keeping you from falling back onto the floor.

“Hey,you alright?” His voice sounding like thunder in your ear, making you groan, turning his face into his chest.

“Stop yelling right in my ear.” You mumbled, slowly feeling the pressure in your head subside.

But Dean was impatient, and he was quickly shifting to pull you back from him, needing to get a good look at your face.

“Y/n-“

That’s when it caught up to you. All the memories, Dean- everything was back. You didn’t know how, but they were.

“Dean?” You couldn’t help it when your hand went to trace the curve of his jaw, taking him in, remembering every little thing about him. . . And your feelings towards him.

Deans eyes never wavered from you, watching as you slowly came to his senses, turning back to your old self. He was about to let out a breath of relief when your face fell again, and you were pushing back from him, a hand covering your mouth.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” You breathed, mind replaying the past few days, the days in which you were oblivious to who he was. How could you forget Dean? “I forgot you. How could I forget you?”

“Woah, hey, hey it’s okay.” Dean scooted forward, grabbing your forearms. “You just forgot who you were for a little while. It’s okay.”

But it wasn’t. You had scared Dean. You had scared everyone. If you had just paid more attention on that hunt, none of this ever would have happened.

You gave Dean a small nod, trying to convince him that you were okay, but he knew deep down you were not. That’s why he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest, making you almost immediately relax.

You easily could have stayed like that forever, you wanted to, but then his phone rang and he was pulling away, shifting to reach the device on the table.

The moment he hit answer, Sam's voice was how’d through the room, “hey, we went back and burned the witches body. Cas was pretty sure that she had tethered herself to y/n. So when she died, the reaction was y/ns mind trying to go under as well. That’s why her mind went blank.” Sam paused, “how’s she doing?”

“I’m good, Sam. Thank you.” You spoke, resting your head against Deans shoulder, suddenly feeling drained from the days events as you yawned.

“Good, Cas and I are on our way back now. See you in a little.”

With that, Dean hung up, setting his phone on the floor with a relieved sigh. He could relax now, knowing you were safe and the threat had been taken care of.

“I told you everything would be fine, didn’t I?” He smiled, looking down at you. He wouldn’t get a response though. You were already fast asleep, using his chest as a pillow as you curled up against him.

[mcrmadness]

Lol I had the wildest die ärzte dream in a while :D:D:D

Okay here we go: I had forgotten to check Bademeister.com and when I went there, there was a link and a new music video. It started from some sort of log house, like a vacation resort you can find from Canada or from somewhere else on the mountains. But I think it was actually in Switzerland. It was this lobby with a fireplace and everything looked warm and nice, lots of dark red wood (like red as in wood color, not actual red) everywhere, the camera was spinning very slowly from left to right, revealing that there were people sitting in a circle on chairsm, with some of them having guitars on their laps. One of these people was Rod. He looked slightly like he did in Schrei nach Liebe video, with a fake beard. I don’t remember if there was music yet.

The camera kept turning to the right and I just started wondering: where are Bela and Farin? When I finally saw them. They were standing behind this reception desk, Farin was either taking care of the cash register or wiping the counter (which was black marble, wood was again dark brown). Bela was a few meters closer and he was just dancing his brains out there. Then he just ran towards Farin, grabbed his hand and they started spinning around really fast, bit like how Jack and Rose did in Titanic when they were dancing. I’m not sure if there was a third man involved because I couldn’t see properly, but then they stopped and Bela “cried” because they were spinning around way too fast, and Farin was stroking his back. They were wearing their normal black clothes and the hairs looked like it was from 2013/2013 era. There were also other people behind the desk but I didn’t care to look at them that much.

Next Bela and Farin just stood there with their backs towards a curtain that was behind them, there were also some boxes between them and the curtain, and they were holding hands and looking around cautiously and just started to back away towards the curtain. I think the curtain was turquoise in color? Either that or some dark warm color to go together with all the dark brown wood, but anyway they just backed away and once they were close enough, they slipped through the curtain to the back rooms. I think it was where you got to the staff’s rooms as it was still a vacation resort/hotel.

Then the scenery changed. The curtain was more like a portal to some other place. It looked like a desert but more like a video game desert? There were stuff and buildings but I can’t see them clearly. Two other men, who I don’t know, came out or went through the curtains and then I saw Bela and Farin running out from there, still holding hands and looking super happy. At this point I think there was music already, and it was clear that they were not themselves but more like playing characters of the music video. They even went by some character names, the first thing to come to my mind when I woke up was that they would have been called “Dolannes” and “Melodie” but I’m not sure. (I checked my music library now and I don’t know what that song is, I just know Alleine Economy was named that and that there’s also some live cover of a song with the same name, idk if it’s an actual cover or what.)

To be continued... (under the read more link lol, my dreams are sometimes very long adventures :D)

There was actually lots of people in the area. But everyone was from different medias, like tv series or movies. I can’t see properly who they were and from where but everyone was like some weird die ärzte alternative universe version. If you know those movies or tv series when they hire someone almost a lookalike to play a character and for a moment everything looks normal until you see it and it’s confusing instead. Like you expect it to be THE character but then you realize it’s not? Everyone in the dream - apart from Bela and Farin as their characters, was like that. And thanks to Tumblr (and one old online friend who loves the series and has talked about it to me a lot in the past!) - I have never watched Supernatural in my life and yet there was suddenly a camera close-up looking at someone laying on the ground and when they lifted their head, it was Castiel from said tv series. But he didn’t look like the actor, it was yet again some alternative universe version. I just remember being like “no NOT YOU AGAIN, NOT IN A die ärzte VIDEO???” because I have already filtered the tags on Tumblr and yet can’t get away from all this. And then even dä had the show in their new video lmao. But then I was also finding it hilarious because apparently Bela knew his media XD

Anyway, at some point there was also someone flying, like a super hero, and floating down from the air but I only could see legs and a part of a cape. I think it was a she, but the style was like old Superman comic who were tights etc. There were people gathered around her on the ground, looking up at her. I think at some point everything started to make sense and that place was like some promised land and paradise of “gays who never got to be openly and accepted gays in their medias”. So they could go through that curtain and go into this gay paradise and be happy there lmao. And this was some... weird die ärzte against homophobia plotline that you saw if you were open minded. This whole dream has bit of the color scheme of their M&F video, too. The curtains, if they were turquoise, at least were the same color as the background in the video.

I then remember being at my parents’ house and I was watching the video from my laptop and as the song was playing, I just said to my brother “This is the new die ärzte song.” I could hear the song so clearly in my head, it did not sound like dä at all, it was very slow-paced, almost some art rock sounding, kinda eerie piece. There was vocals but they did not sound like any of them, so my brother just answered that he thought it was some other band - he said the name but I don’t remember it, I don’t think that was even a real and - and I was then thinking out loud that this could actually be a Rod song if he wanted to make a much more experimental song this time.

Then it changed and got zoomed out and showed a map. It was like an European/world map but it was different from the actual map, but it showed Rod was in Switzerland and that was the only part that looked realistic. Bela was actually heading to West and Farin was going to somewhere that looked like the below part of Finland but it was around the area of Middle East, yet it said Farin’s going on an adventure to the Artcic Circle next.

***

Next thing I know was me making a Tumblr post, I just remember writing there:

The new dä video

*video here but I didn’t have the link yet and needed to find it first*

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

And as I was typing those emojis, somehow it turned into me typing a text message or something with my phone and I couldn’t get those emojis out at all, somehow they all were just different emojis portraying old grandmas. And one was even a image of my cousin making a stupid face and I don’t know where did that come from cos I don’t even have her photos in my phone :DDD

I also dreamt about Tumblr: yesterday I actually did the post about how you can send me dä related art requests and I dreamt that my ask box was filled with requests. Lots of people were also sending me just emojis, like thumbs up emoji or something. And then one and the oldest of the asks was someone asking me what is a rhubarb pie and if I can make a post about Finnish rhubarb pie, and so I did.

[cyanidefilledcandy]

I’m about to talk about death, so...

So, last night, I had another dream about my little sister. Oddly enough, I don’t dream about her super often and I was and am both...disturbed and grateful for that.

It’s not unusual for me to dream about dead relatives I was close to. My grandmothers (my paternal and maternal and maternal great grandmother), I dream about frequently. (My paternal grandfather not so much, and that makes me sad and makes me feel like I must not have cared about him enough. ...though, the real culprit is likely memory. He died when I was in middle school; my grandmothers all died when I was in adulthood.) 

Usually when I dream about them, it’s like business as usual. It’s literally just mundane life things. We’re just going about our regular lives, and they’re just there like they had been when they were here. We talk a lot of the times, but it’s nothing significant; just regular conversation and they’re....just there.

With my sister, it’s been the complete opposite.

In EVERY dream I’ve had about my sister, she’s been dead. Except for one I had recently, and in the end, she just turned into my niece. And if she looks to be alive, then the dream will remind that she’s dead. Like one I had...

It was another of those mundane dreams where she, my mom, and I were in car driving, and she was in the backseat and we were just bantering. The subject of her pregnancy came up, but again, nothing out of the ordinary. We were just talking about how many issues she had. I jabbed at her that next time she would be in Georgia or a better hospital or just somewhere with better doctors. And she just kind of gave me an incredulous look and was like “WHAT next time?” and I just kind of stopped and was like “....oh right...” Cause she’s dead... And I’m honestly surprised that I thought that.

Again, usually in my dreams about my dead relatives, there’s nothing out of the ordinary to even suggest that they’re dead. And my sister and I used to have back and forths like that frequently, especially when her first child was born. I’d say something like, “When are you having the next one?” and she’d be like “Not.” Or “who?!” So for that to happen...

Maybe it’s because I felt....feel her death harder than any other I’ve experienced in my life...but I hate that even in my dreams, I can’t seem to think of her in any other context. As if there’s no reprieve from this most unfair reality. But last night’s dream was especially weird.

I was with someone...maybe it was my mom, and we drove up to the cemetery. I paused for a moment before getting out of the car. The other person turned to ask me, “Uh...do you know whose grave this is?” as if asking if I was SURE I wanted to get out and look. And I answered in a kind of “duh” fashion. We buried my sister next to my paternal grandparents, so I figured I could pay some respects to both of them. So, I got out and turned to their graves and they were covered by a plastic tent to protect them from the elements. I noticed it looked like a heavy storm was brewing like a hurricane or something. I then looked back to the graves and my sister’s coffin was out of the ground, open, and empty. It also looked like it had been ransacked. The lining in the lid was torn almost off and the was hanging out and getting wet in the muddy ground.

Of course, I was outraged and just as I was about to start a fight with someone, out a small building in the distance (the mortuary I somehow knew), out walks the female mortician who handled my sister, along with my maternal grandmother. They were both carrying my sister back to the coffin.

I instantly relaxed, knowing my grandma wouldn’t let anything bad happen to her. The mortician explains that they had to do something... I don’t remember what it was, but it was likely something that would only make sense in a dream. I nodded and waited for them to put her back in. This part is a bit fuzzier, but other members of my family were suddenly there and everyone was trying to prepare her coffin....or something. There were these little cloth dolls of I guess family members and people were trying to figure out which ones they wanted to keep and which ones they wanted my sister to be buried with. I remember they kept exchanging them or something, and they were some kind of collectable? Again, that part is really fuzzy.

The mortician finally puts my sister back and kind of haphazardly drop her in the coffin, like she was too heavy and she just couldn’t hold her anymore. Of course, I don’t like this, but figure I’m no one to criticize someone at their profession. My sister ends up not even fully in the coffin and the bottom padding is missing. She’s also wearing the wig I just bought, which looks amazing on her and much better than the one I ended up picking IRL. And then all of a sudden, she starts convulse every few seconds. Like a twitch or jump of her limbs and eventually, her mouth starts to hang open. Almost like she’s having a seizure. 

The mortician or my mom or someone tells me that “Don’t worry. Sometimes dead bodies move involuntarily and it means nothing. I’m annoyed because this is something I already know, even if part of me (I guess my waking mind) knew that she was way too animated for this to just be muscle spasms. 

The spasming gets worse to the point that she falls completely out of the coffin. This time however, her eyes open and her mouth is shut (because morticians wire them shut). She keeps convulsing and I’m repeating in my head that “this doesn’t mean anything. this doesn’t mean anything.” But suddenly her head goes back and her eyes are staring at me, desperately and I immediately know a horrible mistake was made.

Have you guys ever seen The Haunting of Hill House? That scene where Olivia has a vision of an adult Nell dead before she rises and desperately tries to beg Olivia to save her...this was very similar to that. She was even dressed in red like Nell was in the show (I had her dressed in red because it was her favorite color). Except my sister looked like she wanted to move and couldn’t. Like her body was too stiff and her mouth was wired shut, so she couldn’t speak and looked like she desperately wanted to.

So, I immediately go “Something’s wrong. We were wrong! She’s alive! Someone help her!” And I had a few people trying to calm me down. They weren’t exactly denying the fact just trying to calm me down. I get more and more frantic and weirdly see some kind of countdown...

And 3, 2, 1, I woke up and my sister was still and silent and I realized I had went through that all in my head. They ended up reburying her and my grandmother stood beside me crying. I hugged her and tried to give her words of comfort. I told her not to worry because her other grandmother and grandfather (the grandmother I was talking to’s husband) and Pepper (our childhood pet) were all looking after her. Again...the grandmother I was talking to is also dead and she died before my maternal grandmother did, so....that was weird...

The next part is a bit fuzzy, but I wound up having a conversation with my sister. We just casually talking about her experience of....dying and being buried? It seemed and felt like one of my other mundane dreams about dead relatives, but I knew very well that she was dead. She told me she was tired of the dolls she was buried with (those weird collectable family dolls) and she said a few other things, and mentioned that she just didn’t have an appetite and some other things where she was just sick and uncomfortable (similar to all the stuff she went through while she pregnant). I told her, “I’m sorry, baby.” And she said a couple other things again very casually before I woke up. 

Oddly enough...I felt strangely calm and peaceful when I woke up.

I don’t know if this is common or not, but my dreams MAJORLY affect my mood and usually whatever feeling I was feeling when I was dreaming carries on with me when I wake up. And not JUST when I wake up; it stays as if it happened to me IRL. Just like yesterday, where I had another apocalypse dream where me and my mom were at odds, and I was depressed all day yesterday. Or a major dream I had long ago where my sister got shot and was dying right in front of my eyes and I had to try and carry her to the hospital. I’ll never forget how she looked in that dream....literally dying. Usually when I dream of someone dying, it’s like a movie death. This dream was eerily realistic with how she was dying. ....that dream had me depressed and physically sick for days after, and has stuck with me... (I wasn’t kidding when I said my sister dying was my worst nightmare...)

I guess it was because we were just talking like normal. However, once I thought back on the dream and the strangeness of it, Depression set in fast. Though, it wasn’t so much the dream than I just feel that loss all over again.

IDK...I kind of wanted to document this dream because the strangeness of it, I guess. Some things I think I know what they mean or represent and others are just...weird...

Visiting the grave is obvious... I think the changing of her hair and shoddy state of the coffin is my own insecurities and unsatisfaction with how her burial was handled. Everyone tells me I did a good job with picking out everything, but I wasn’t satisfied at all with how she looked and I keep imagining if by some miracle I DO see her after death, that she’d have a few choice words. ...jokingly and good-naturedly, of course, but still...

I didn’t realize it until after I woke, but the convulsions she had I thought looked seizure like...and I wonder if that’s what my mind thinks happened in her last moments... I wasn’t there, but my mom just describes it has blood coming out of her eyes, nose, and mouth. That wasn’t present in the dream, but she also says that when she went, my mom couldn’t get her mouth to close...and the dream, her mouth was open when the convulsions started.

When she falls to the ground and looks at me desperately to help....I think it harkens back to a thought I had when she first died that maybe she wasn’t really dead, but in a deep coma and she would wake up in the coming days. Even after we buried her, part of me still held on to the belief that she wasn’t really dead and had the horrible idea of her waking up in her coffin under a ton of concrete and couldn’t get out (which has always been a deep dark fear of mine for myself). It’s a dumb thought...not only was she autopsied, but embalmed. I know it’s dumb, but when I said I went through every stage of grief at once, I mean it... Part of me is still going through all of those stages at once...Part of me is still searching desperately for a way to go back and save her from this fate...

Denial and bargaining...

The rest I’m not so sure about... I don’t know what the family doll things represent and I don’t know why my dream acknowledged that all my relatives were dead, except my maternal grandmother. I know her being with the mortician was just knowing she was in good hands with my grandmother. Maybe me dreaming of comforting her was just me wishing I had her here to go through this with... But who knows?

I know this was a HELL of a long read. I don’t expect anyone to actually read through this shit. I just wanted to get it out and....analyze it I guess. And also just...DO something with this grief instead of just replaying the dream in my head on repeat all day...

If one of you DID read this, I appreciate that you think so highly of me to read through my long-winded ramblings. ....and I’m also sorry for that because I’m not worthy of that. But, I love you dearly.

[robinsnest2111]

indirectly tagged by @lampmeeting

it's not part of the original thing but I'm gonna add a silly little self portrait as well~

Questions to get to know you a little better:

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise? Robin or any kind of nickname related to that you can come up with lol Some of my favourites are Rob and Robble

2. When is your birthday? November 21st

3. Where do you live? A little town in Niedersachsen (Lower Saxony), Germany. Known for being the summer residence of a royal bloodline some 200 years ago. Yes there's a castle :P

4. Three things I am doing right now? Trying to forget the nightmare I just woke up from, thinking about getting a few more clementines from the kitchen and fininishing a little sketch I started yesterday

5. Four fandoms that have piqued my interest: Metalocalypse (ofc), Hogan's Heroes, Ghost BC, What We Do In The Shadows. Those are the main 4 at the moment but there's always a chance for other fandoms to take over for a bit.

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? ....yeah. Not so great. My grandma died suddenly at the start of the pandemic, I had to leave my internship I was super happy at early because of lockdown, finished my last semester at college with horrible online classes, had to move back in with my parents, cut contact with someone I've known almost all my life, barely passed my finals, still on the hunt for a job (started applying to places in September) and am close to losing it any day now lol Also pandemic means no flea markets which was one of the few things keeping my brain happy and occupied while giving me a chance to ride my bike around the region for hours :^(((((

7. Song(s) I can’t stop listening to: Sadly no particular song coming to mind right now, but I've had Ghost's entire discography and Dethalbum I, II, and III on rotation for months now lol. This Toss A Coin To Your Witcher Remix has also been stuck in my head for a while and is always worth a listen (Also have some silly techno/hardstyle remixes stuck in my brain permanently because I listened to them as background noise while trying to make my final college projects somewhat decent. Terence Hill & Bud Spencer - Lalalalalala, Da Tweekaz - Jägermeister, Star Wars Hardstyle, DJ Ötzi - Anton aus Tirol, Das Leben des Brian - Schwanzus Longus)

8. Recommend a movie: The Road to El Dorado by Dreamworks, a children's movie, I know... Each song is an absolute banger tho (even the German versions!), the jokes are silly but fun, the queer/gay hints add that little spice that I subconsciously picked up on and felt comforted by as a kid and the design of the everything is just (chef's kiss) Also the chemistry between the 4 main characters is gud as heck. It's the childhood movie I latched on to the most, my mother had to rent the dvd almost every single day until I bought a copy myself lol

9. How old are you? 24 orz I don't feel like it at all...

10. School, university, occupation? Finished college in August, unemployed because no one wants to hire in the creative field during a worldwide plague :^)

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? As long as it's under 35°C I prefer heat. My hands and feet are icicles 95% of the time after losing weight :^(

12. Name one fact others may not know about you? Since I'm an expert oversharer you probably know almost everything about me already orz But uhhh. Lemme see... I learned how to operate a laundry machine at the ripe old age of 20 at my internship at a hair salon lmao My mother never had the nerve to show me how on the modern machine we have at home (along the lines of "you will fuck it up anyways so let me do it >:^(((" which is an overarching theme in her raising me lol), but the older machine with the simpler dials at the salon was a good start to learn and honestly one of the things at this internship I'm still super grateful for...

13. Are you shy? Oh hell yeah I am... It's all the years of getting only negative feedback for trying to interact with others lol

14. Preferred pronouns: He/Him mostly, still figuring out if I still like they/them or nah (since in German there are no neutral pronouns that aren't neopronouns I've automatically gotten more attached to he/him lol)

15. Biggest pet peeves: I feel so mean for admitting it but honestly: Any noises my parents make. If I'm having a particularly bad low brain energy day even hearing them breathe makes me wanna run away and scream in anger... (Doesn't irk me with anyone else tho, which is weird...)

16. What is your favorite "dere" type? Oh there's more than 4 types now?? I've always liked Kuudere types the most out of the original 4 types, but I guess Shundere and Utsudere are right up my alley too!!!

The Kuudere (クーデレ), sometimes written Coodere or Kūdere, type refers to a character who is often cold, blunt, and cynical. They may seem very emotionless on the outside, but on the inside they’re very caring — at least when it comes to the ones they love.

The Shundere (しゅんデレ) type refers to characters who are sad and very depressed. While a full smile on their face might be out of the question, their love interest can help them open up and feel accepted.

The Utsudere (うつデレ) type refers to a character who is often sad and depressed. There is a reason for the character’s despair such as being bullied at school. Even if their life improves, they are often wary of other characters’ motives.

17. Rate your life 1-10? Maybe a 4? 4.5 at max

18. What is your main blog? The one I'm posting this on lol

19. List all your side blogs and what they’re for:

yorkiesart - old as hell and inactive artblog

bleedingheartbird - very triggering and depressing vent blog :^(

yorkie2111 - my very first username, a sea and ocean themed aesthetic blog now mostly for when I miss Denmark a whole lot (kinda inactive)

robinsartnest - a second attempt at a separate art blog, inactive as well lol

20. Is there anything people should know before becoming friends with you? I'm a clusterfuck of several undiagnosed mental illnesses and probably other conditions that I'm trying to figure out and deal with on my own until I can get professional help and some diagnoses. At times I'm weird and distant and overall very depressed and unpleasant, I've already hurt so many people this way and am trying to be better every single day. Basically I've never been given the "How to properly Human" manual and am frantically trying to get it right without hurting too many innocent people in the process.

Anyway, if you are nice to me I will love you forever ♡♡♡ :'3c

idk who to tag so if you wanna do this, do it~

[cryathon]

debilated

lol long time no see 

sequel to The Girl Code // masterlist // part one

Word Count- 1.8k

warnings- idk abandonment???sudden hair cut

It was a month since that night in your room, a month since you started dating Peter. You sat, waiting for Peter inside the restaurant. It was the same one from your first date. You guys were supposed to meet at 7, but you got there 20 minutes early. You wanted to get the same booth and everything. It was just a month, but it’s one of your first relationships, of course, you wanted it to be special, even if it was some silly anniversary. Your mind wandered to your first date, it seemed like yesterday (among other cliches) 

Peter’s non-stop texting seemed it could never get old, but after 20 minutes of “what should I wear?”, it did. You eventually just sent something about a sweater and how you were planning on going to the pizza place down the block from your house. You went there a few other times beforehand, their margarita pizza was pretty good. 

You decided on some jeans and a mildly trendy top, and some branded shoes. Admittedly, it was pretty basic, but you weren’t necessarily creative enough to make an Instagram worthy outfit. You grabbed a random jacket from your desk chair. The both of you decided that you both would walk there together. 

The doorbell rang, you sprang up from your spot on the couch, saying a quick goodbye to your parents and ran to the door. You paused, just to make sure you didn’t look as excited as you were. Taking a deep breath, you opened the door. 

“Hey.” Peter greeted. Simple, yet effective, as your heart seemed to burst at his words. 

“Hey.” you smiled kindly at him. You stepped out of your doorway and took his hand. 

The walk to the pizza parlour was pretty short, the conversation was at a minimum, the tension was very large and in charge. Thicker than a bowl of oatmeal. You stole some glances, studied his features any chance you got, looking away anytime you got caught. Of course, Peter laughed. 

“What?” You smiled. 

“Nothing, Nothing.” He smiled at the ground. 

Peter opened the door for you, something his aunt mostly likely told him to do. You smiled at Peter as he slid into the booth in front of you, he awkwardly returned the gesture. Nervousness settled in a pit in the bottom of your stomach. You awkwardly stared at Peter, who was looking at the menu. 

“So…” Peter started, “What kind of pizza is good here?” 

“The… um... I don’t really know” you grimaced, “Guess there’s a reason as to why I’m not a Chopped judge.” 

Peter laughed. Score, you thought to yourself. You continued to make some little jokes here and there, turning the awkwardness into playfulness, the date quickly turning into any other hang out between you two.

The waiter came and went, as did the drinks, and the pizza. It all disappearing as you and Peter conversed wildly about Star Wars, school and other ‘nerd’ things. The minutes seemed to fly by, everything fading away in your joy. You wanted it to last forever, however, the world needed to keep turned and suddenly, the restaurant was closing, which meant it was 10, which also meant you were past curfew.  

“Oh shit.” you sputtered, jumping out of your seat. You yanked out your wallet, pulling out a twenty. Peter stopped you, paying for everything, it might’ve cliche, but the action still made your heart melt. Of course, this didn’t help Peter’s concerned face. 

“I was...kinda supposed to be home now.” You rushed that last part, but Peter obviously caught it as he also jumped out of his seat (admittedly more graceful). His face showed more panic than yours, which didn’t really surprise you, you knew all the blame would be put on Peter. 

You sent a quick text to the group chat you have with your parents, saying that you would be late after losing track of time. They responded almost instantly, thank god. Hand and Hand, you two rushed out of the restaurant and down the sidewalk. 

You must’ve looked insane, daydreaming for the last half hour, mindlessly scrolling through your phone. You checked the time and texted Peter. 

‘Hey’ 

It was only ten minutes, no need to be overly clingy about it. 

‘Where are you?’ 

It was 30 minutes after you sent the first message, successfully putting you into panic mode.  You waited another half hour and three missed calls to text him again. 

‘Hey, I’m at the restaurant. Just call me ok?’ 

The tingling sensation in your hands and knuckles kept your hands shaking, keeping you on edge. You called again, and again, a total of 4 times in the next hour, add another 12 texts you were somewhere between anger and anxiety. 

Slowing, however, the anxiety melted away, replacing it was anger. A total aura of pissed off radiating off of you. You threw $15 dollars on the table, knowing you would just be paying for the drinks, but you didn’t really care. Holding your head up high, the tears of frustration welling in your eyes, you walked right out of the parlour and into the New York night. 

-

Peter crawled through his window around 9 pm, he was fighting practically nonstop since 1 that afternoon. Fatigue punching him in the gut, he barely got his suit off before he flopped on his bed. He thought back for a second, thinking that he forgot something, but he was too tired to care. Without another second passing by, he was passed out. 

The following morning, Peter woke up around 10, which was pretty late, but he was thankful that he actually could sleep in. The nagging feeling that he had forgotten something still picking at his brain. He looked at his phone, wanting to send the ‘traditional’ good morning text, but he was met with seemingly endless notifications. He cautiously opened his messaging app, opening to your contact. 

There were plenty of messages to go through, a lot of voicemails too. Peter’s face paled as he jumped out of bed throwing on a random shirt and joggers (that were mostly dirty, but y'know, teenagers.) He ran out of his room into the living room, where May stood, listening to music while drinking her coffee. She was already dressed for the day, Peter remembering something about grocery shopping.

“May, I need your help.” 

—-

May recommended some big romantic gesture, but Peter wasn’t sure how that was possible with 20 bucks and only half a tank of gas. Maybe some flowers? Chocolates? Those “how mad is she?” Instagram memes are all that seemed to pop into his head. And for a split second a thought sending some memes would help, maybe soften the blow, just a bit, but it would probably aggravate you more. In the back of his mind, he knew that he should tell you about his alter ego, you would surely understand then.

Well, it wasn’t really a romantic gesture, Peter kinda just showed up on your doorstep, not really having a plan in mind (he was supposed to think about that on the subway), he just hoped that at least you would answer the door. It was just a casual Saturday, around midday, just like a month prior. Under any other circumstances, Peter would laugh. If this were a book his English teacher would stop in the middle of class and point out the use of parallelism and make the class discuss about it. Hypothetically, Peter thought, since last time went so well, shouldn’t this time be the same? I mean the evidence is there. 

However, knowing that he could ruin this relationship with you just like his last one, really killed the mood. This is too meta, he thought. 

Slightly crumpled flowers held limply in his left hand, he knocked on your door, reliving the day a month and a day ago. 

The door creaked open, a tight-lipped smile covered his face, awkwardness settling in his stomach. Anxiety clenched at his heart as you appeared from behind the door. You stood pretty plainly, chewing on your lips slightly, your eyebrows raised, although your eyes were slightly red and puffy above your cheekbones. Your hand rested on the door knob, you hovered in the doorway, looking towards Peter. Hey,she cut her hair 

“Hey.” you stated, ending the silence. 

“Hi.” Peter sighed, handing you the flowers in his hand. You took them and walked down the hallway that lead to the kitchen, leaving the door open for Peter. You slowly filled a vase with water, sliding the flowers in, leaving the vase on the counter you turned to Peter. 

‘Thank you, for the flowers.” Peter nodded along, wondering how he would go into the whole ‘spiderman’ thing. 

“I like your hair.”Peter said, voice cracking ever so slightly. 

“Uh thanks.” She quipped, followed by a pregnant silence.

He furrowed his brows and shrugged, knowing that everyone in the world expected him to least apologize with the florals alongside him. Standing in the kitchen, Peter decided to just go for it. 

“I really just wanted to apologize for missing last night, I don’t really have a good excuse to be honest.” Why did he say that? Now she’ll think that he doesn’t care, which is really quite the opposite.

 “NOT that I don’t care or anything, I mean,I really care! Like a lot! And y’know the Stark Internship keeps me really busy and-” Before he could think of another lame excuse you cut him off. 

“Peter it’s fine, it really is. I’m not mad anymore.” You ran a hand through your newly cut strands, pulling it out of your eyes just  for it to adjust back in its original position. 

“You’re not?” Peter’s eyebrows furrowed, a frown completing his confused face. “Because I totally would be, I would be like mega pissed.” 

“No, no, I’m not.” You paused, “I had a lot to think about last night.” Peter saw tears start to swell in your eyes, his mind went into overdrive. He immediately stepped towards you, taking you in his arms. You quickly wrapped your arms around him as well. You definitely needed this hug too. 

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” He questioned, still standing in the embrace. You pulled out of the hug, the warmth now gone from his chest. You scratched at the side of your nose, and pulled one of your sweatshirt sleeves to wipe some stray tears away from your eyes.

“Tris found out. About us.” You disclosed. Peter’s eyes widen, immediately returning to the hug. 

tags// @stephie-senpai @sleepy-demon @avengersinfinitybeard@emmatrashforfandoms @hellomywonderfulwildflowers@falseosterhollandfantasies @arronity @flopobrien @stevieboyharrington@haha-barnes @tmrhollandkay @heartbreakerholland @yikesmcdonald  

Tom Holland/Peter Parker

@dorkyparkers

[sunsetscurving]

Oh, Cruel Fate (Enemies to Lovers AU)

Ch. 8

ao3 link

The Demaurys and the Lallemants had been enemies for over one hundred years. And when Lucas first meets Eliott, he hates him with his whole heart even without knowing him, blaming him and his family for his life which is slowly falling apart. But when they are forced to live alongside in the same surrounding, something is changing between them. And this scares Lucas more than anything else.

Lucas was sure that he never had such a bad hangover in his entire fucking life.

He groaned as he opened his eyes, the sun seeming to trigger an explosion in his head with its brightness.

Lucas needed some moments to recall what happened yesterday night. But when he tried to sit up and a sharp pain went through his body, the memories of it all came back.

The party, the dark alley, his attackers, Eliott.

Eliott.

Lucas’ head fell back on the pillow and he laid an arm over his eyes, shutting the sun out for a moment. Eliott went after him, Eliott took care of him, Eliott played with him piano. Eliott stared into Lucas’ soul with his piercing gaze.

Eliott, Eliott, Eliott…

“Gosh, what the fuck is wrong with you”, said Lucas quietly to himself.

Eliott was supposed to be his enemy, he should hate him and not… think about the color of his eyes or his messy hair where he would gladly drive his hands through and –

Stop.

Lucas slapped himself in the face, trying to chase away all the thoughts about the other boy in this way. Since when was Eliott his first thought after waking up?

Since he saved your life, putain.

Right.

Eliott protected him, even breaking the nose of one of his attackers without even being asked to do so it. He cared about him. There are not many people in his life who seemed to genuinely care about Lucas and his well-being and this was the first time in forever where someone looked after him. And he felt a kind of warmth inside of him only when thinking about it. Lucas was an asshole to Eliott from the beginning and he was sorry about it. But he apologized and that’s it for now. They could go on with their lives, with their separate lives.

Lucas took his phone from the nightstand, having a lot of new messages from Yann and the other boys. He choose to ignore these for now, his fingers automatically moving to Instagram, opening the app.

The first post on his feed was from Eliott.

Lucas raised his eyebrows and looked at the ceiling of his room.

“Is this some kind of joke or what?” He spoke into the silence of his empty house, addressing no one and everyone to the same time.

Lucas looked down on his phone again, adjusting the brightness so his head wouldn’t explode from staring at Eliotts new post.

It was a drawing. Nothing new, Eliott posted his drawings often, showing off his artistic talent. But this drawing was different. It showed two people from behind, sitting close to each other on a little stool. In front of them, a piano. Both of them looked down at the keys of the instrument, filling the air with music.

Lucas stopped to breath for a second, a smile creeping onto his lips.

No one could see the faces of the two people but Lucas just knew who this was.

And Eliott knew that Lucas would see it.

He posted it because he wanted Lucas to see it.

Lucas scrolled down, his heart beating rapidly in his chest and his eyes widened again when he read the caption of the photo.

Qui n’avance pas, recule

“Who does not move forward, recedes.”

For random people, the caption had nothing to do with the drawing Eliott posted. But to Lucas, it meant everything. Eliott told him that his life can still be changed, that his life and his happiness are not lost. And that they could change their fate together, moving forward to better times. If Lucas was brave enough.

Lucas kept staring at the caption but his thoughts traveled to his mum. To his mum who told him that Eliott and Lucas are the last hope for the peace of their families. Not only Eliott told him to be brave and go against everything he has known till now, but his mum did too.

Suddenly, the phone in his hand vibrated, announcing a new message.

Lucas’ heart kept beating like crazy when he opened the message section of Instagram, clicking on his newest chat.

The first thing he saw when he opened the chat between him and Eliott, were the absolutely embarrassing messages he sent yesterday. He groaned and rubbed his hand over his face. He really called him pretty, talented boy.

It was even more of a wonder that Eliott came after all these messages. If Lucas would’ve been in his place, he would’ve laugh his ass off, sending the messages to his friends to mock Eliott with it.

But Eliott was also different in this case.

Lucas scrolled down to the newest message, trying to fight the feeling of embarrassment rising inside him.

srodulv: how do you feel?

lucallement: like the worst I’ve ever been.

srodulv: you saw my post?

lucallement: how could I NOT see it?

srodulv: do you like it?

Lucas took a deep breath. Of course, he liked it. The thought that Eliott was apparently also thinking about him did something with Lucas. And the drawing was beautiful, as was the meaning behind it and the moment where exactly this happened.

He just had to be brave. He just had to stop denying that something… happened between them. One word and Lucas’ life would change.

But he was afraid. Afraid of what his parents would say, about what Eliotts parents would say, about what the world would say.

He was never been brave before and it wouldn’t start just now.

lucallement: idk what this drawing is about but it’s okay

srodulv: you are kidding me

lucallement: no

Lucas looked the screen, watched Eliott reading the message, watched him typing. And then he made a decision. He closed the chat between the two of them, went to Eliotts account.

And blocked him.

Lucas locked his phone and threw it across his bed to his feet, out of his reach so he wouldn’t undo his action. His head fell back on the pillow again, wincing as he did so and he stared into the void. He knew that Eliott would see that he blocked him.

But it was better this way.

He had to push Eliott away from him, saving himself and his reputation from Eliott Demaury.

Saving himself from the feelings inside of him whenever thinking about the other boy.

But he couldn’t run away forever.

.

Days passed.

Lucas didn’t tell his friends about the night after the party. They asked about his bruises, about the pain which seemed to be present in the first days, but Lucas always found excuses. He tried to go on with his life, tried to forget what happened.

But his life changed.

It changed in that night when Eliott took care of him and they played piano together, looking into the other ones eyes.

Whenever Lucas saw Eliott in school, he tried to escape him. He always saw a smile blooming on Eliotts face whenever he spotted Lucas. And whenever Lucas turned around on his heel, taking another way, literally running away, the smile on Eliotts face disappeared and left a void inside of Lucas.

A week passed after Lucas’ exaggerated night. He was standing in front of the mirror on a Friday morning, examining his face and the bruises which finally seemed to fade away. The pain coming from his rips also slowly decreased, he was going back to his usual self. But his usual self didn’t think about his enemy all the time.

He was still examining his face when he suddenly heard the front door, a loud bang echoing through the empty house. Lucas frowned and walked out of the bathroom only to halt in his movement, a nearly shocked expression on his face.

“You”, hissed Lucas and his eyes darkened.

“Lucas.”

Lucas felt hatred rise inside of him as he saw his father, Jack Lallemant, standing in the hallway of their house. There was a time where he looked up to his father, seeing him as some kind of idol. But this time was long gone, as so many other times were long gone.

“What do you want here?”, asked Lucas and took some steps closer to him. The door behind him was still open and when he suddenly heard more voices, his heart started to race.

This is not going to end well.

Behind his father, his two older Brothers Louis and Jules, were entering his house and Lucas felt some kind of panic rise inside of him.

“Hey, little brother”, said Louis, the oldest one and flashed him a smile. Oh, how Lucas hated all of them. His brothers always bullied him whenever they had the chance to do so. They humiliated him and showed him nothing but cruelty. And they stood with their father as… things went down. Alone for that, Lucas hated them. For supporting an abusive man.

“What is all of this about?”, asked Lucas carefully, already eyeing the door and how fast he could get out all of this. He felt the tension in the air and it was completely different than the tension between him and Eliott.

There he is again in my thoughts.

“Aren’t we allowed to visit our little brother?” Jules was coming forward and as many steps as he took into Lucas’ direction, the same amount of steps took Lucas backwards.

“Not after abandoning me and this family”, said Lucas dryly and looked at Jules.

“Come on boys, stop this.”

His father was now stepping forward, stopping when he was in front of Lucas. Lucas was tired of backing down so he held his ground and looked up to his father.

“This is still my house and I can come home whenever I want.”

“This is not your home anymore.”

“Says who?”

Lucas held his gaze and watched him, not answering the rhetorical question.

“What. Do. You. Want. Here?” Lucas was speaking slowly, as if talking to a little child.

His father was spreading his arms innocently as if inventing Lucas for a hug. Lucas stood still, not moving a millimeter.

“I just want to talk with you.”

“We want to talk with you”, interfered Louis and gave Lucas another one of those creepy smiles which woke the sudden instinct to flee in Lucas.

“Don’t you want to sit down?”, asked his father, already moving into the direction of the living room. Lucas couldn’t stand this man being in this house, memories of certain nights crushing over him. Lucas crossed his arms, leaning his body against the wall.

“I’m good standing. And since you three are going to leave soon, I don’t see any reason to sit down with you.”

They were silent for a moment, all of them and then his father sighed and his mask fell. Now Lucas saw the cruel and brutal person he really was, his mouth curling into that impression that Lucas hated with his entire being.

“Fine. I tried to be polite but if you want it that way, then we’re doing it that way.”

And as his father nodded into the direction of Lucas’ brothers, they were darting forward. And before Lucas could do anything else, he was being pressed against the wall behind it, the sheer force of it knocking out the air of his lungs.

“What are you doing with that Demaury brat?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, answered Lucas breathless, his brothers holding him into place with their strong bodies. Louis was smiling his maniac smile the whole time and Lucas had the feeling to get sick.

“I know that he was here. In our house. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?” His father came nearer and Lucas struggled against the grip of his brothers. But he couldn’t move a tiny bit.

“Even talking with him is a betray to our family. You are disgrace to your name and to our family.”

Lucas knew how his father thought of him but to hear it was something else. Something inside him went lose, the anger and the hatred he used to feel for the Demaurys coming to the surface of his being again.

“I hate him as much as you do! He stalked me!” Lucas suddenly blurted out, his voice muffled by his breathlessness.

Fuck the shut up, Lucas.

“What?”

“He stalked me and he went after me and…”

“This is it. Enough is enough.”, interrupted him his father, a shocked expression on his face and something like… madness in his eyes.

“This is the point where we have to do something”, said Jules and let go of Lucas suddenly. Lucas dropped to the floor, breathless, staring at the carpet in front of him while trying to breath properly again.

What have I done?

“They went too far with this”, agreed Louis and he heard the cracking of knuckles through the blur of it all.

“What… what are you…”

“Let’s go. We know where he currently is.”

“Hey, where are you going?” Lucas finally made it to drag himself him, rubbing the place on his neck where Louis pinned Lucas to the wall. The others didn’t seem to listen to, didn’t even to acknowledge him still being there on the floor. Lucas’ brothers and his father suddenly turned around and stormed out of the house, leaving as quickly as they came.

“Hey!”, Lucas screamed after them and ran down the front stairs of their houses, standing in the middle of the street. But they were already around the corner. Lucas felt dizzy and he closed his eyes to recall the conversation they had, everything seeming to blur together.

He stalked me.

Enough is enough.

We know where he currently is.

And then realization hit Lucas.

“Oh my fucking god”, he whispered breathless, his hands starting to shake. And then he took off, running as if his life depended on it.

Or the life of another one.

[theycallmemrgluskin]

// Mun update. It is a lil negative so just keep that in mind for those that might be a tad bit sensative.

So as I mentioned in a post yesterday, I was pretty depressed over the fact that my new car that I named Gluskinator, has so many issues and the engine is on the verge of blowing up. I’ve actually managed to take it to the car dealership today and they are going to cover it with warranty and try to fix it all up but in all honesty since my high hopes have been so badly crashed [becuase I honestly thought getting a new car and starting to improve on myself was good and I had hopes for the future]  by it all and I just don’t care anymore what happened to it or myself. Theres also the stress from work because they haven’t been allowing me a single days break recently as they keep calling and asking me to come in and work for them when legally they have to give me 5 days off to recover from 6 days of night shift.

Then of course we have what happened last night at Karate where I had a massive mental break down.

I was sparring with a guy that I thought was pretty ok. He’s twice the size of me [if not slightly more] and he was trying to teach me to ‘think’ when it comes to fighting. You see I’ve been taught and trained that when it comes to taller opponents that are good kickers, to keep your distance, find an opening and then get in closer to them where they can’t kick you. However this guy just kept hitting me on the head, full force mind you with punchs and kicks. At first I just nodded and agreed and sparred someone else, then it got to a point where we did a 2 against 1 and I was with this guy but he started to coach the other girl to punch me in the face because my rear hand was lowered down to protect my stomach [its a funny fighting stance where the left hand is held up and the right hand is lowered down against the gut/torso area to protect the lower parts] and I started to feel a little bullied.

I got a little emotional over this after the fight but I managed to calm myself. We did a few more rounds and then again I had to spar the same guy and it was the exact same thing but much brutal in my oppinion. He kept telling me to think but heres the thing, when I first started I was told to never think and just move around the floro and wait for an oppenin as thinking takes away your focus too much. I also always walk onto the mat with a game plan but it seems that I haven’t learned enough to actually fight this guy [hes a second degree black belt].

He kept pushing and pushing me and knew i was getting emotional, at one point I probably looked like a fucking idiot to him because I got so angry I wanted to burst into tear but all I could do was an angry Eddie stance lol. I even tried to walk away but he kept the fight going. I couldn’t help but break down in tears after the fight while all this guy had to say was ‘think’ honestly thats all I could hear, anything else he said went straight over my head. I was too upset over the fact that 1.Work has been stressing me out and 2. I feel like the whole entire world is against me and I’m just copping everyones bad luck while everyone else gets to have a happy fantasy life and all I’ve got is my day dream self to cling to.

Ontop of that I know feel liek that one thing that kept me going, that being Karate, is now worthless. I’ve tried so hard and I really aprpeciated a lot of the higher up belts [3rd degree black belts] coming up to me and telling me how much I’ve improved, but the drive home and pretending to smile and force my emotions away while I was still at Karate was that hardest part.

In my mind all I wanted to do was down a bottle of pills and no I’m not joking. I honestly think sometimes the world would be better off without me, or that it would be the least painful thing I’d have to deal with considering I just keep getting shitted on no matter how hard I try. I even woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed because I have emotional and physically drained myself so much of all my energy and ontop of that being depressed as hell doesn’t help.

So thats why I’m not really eager to get to replies atm. Nor am I interested in talking to anyone about this because its just a waste of everyone time. I’d be surprised if anyone actually got half way through my bich sorry ass essay of bs here. Most people don’t really seem to care about me until Im suddenly about to ‘walk the plank’ so to speak. Hence why I’m posting this because if I just disappear...well someday someone might look back to this post and realize.

tbh I’ve tried too much, I’ve tried so much like Eddie to find love, to have a happy life, to trust people but then get betrayed. Its iconic how alike me and Eddie are and yet at the same time be the opposite in physical appearance. I’m just over living atm and no please, please don’t send me a msg asking me am I ok. I probably will not respond. I’m not interesed in talking about my feelings. I think thats long gone and I’m past the point of that kinda stuff. idk what I’m going to do, but I think I’ll just...idk...I’ll be here and try to do something but right now my mind is like silent hill, full of fog and terror.

[everyandanythingimagines]

New Year’s Day | N.C

Warnings: use of alcohol? (idk if that is a warning), I guess angst

Word Count: 3341

Summary: Based on ‘New Year’s Day’ by T-swizzle :)

A/N: sooo yeah long break but I’ve been writing again... btw not my song, it’s by Taylor Swift. BASICALLY this one is I guess special to me bc it’s somewhat true. ngl I don’t know if I got the interpretation of this song right, but this is how I saw it. Some parts were altered a bit to fit the song better but right when I heard it I just HAD to make it an imagine. also plz request lol thanks for reading hope u enjoy

*not my gif and it somewhat fits idk not really nvm*

 SIDE NOTE: There are a lot of time jumps so here is a guide if you are lost... Italics are from New Years Eve, normal is the day after and on, and bold is lyrics. enjoy

There's glitter on the floor after the party

Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby

You woke up on new years day with the biggest smile on your face. Reminiscence of the night before still plays in your mind. You threw a party in your apartment with just a few of your closest friends. Somehow word got out that the oh so popular ‘Peter Kavinsky’ was going to be partying at your place and a whole bunch of girls, that you were 100% sure that they did not like you before this party, showed up. Probably trying to get lucky with him or any of his close friends. The both of you had mutual friends, and over time all of you had become one tight friend group.

Since yesterday was New Years Eve, everyone had been drinking and dancing. It was only 10 pm when everyone had started to party. You remember bits and pieces of that night, but the most important memories weren’t forgotten.

There was noise coming from the room next to you, some people had spent the night at yours due to their lack of ability to walk/drive home. You got up to check who it was and it was only just a few girls carrying their stuff in their hands trying to sneak out. They smile at you and thank you for inviting them, which was funny because some of them weren't.

Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor

You and me from the night before, but

   Your friend, Morgan, came up to you as she was leaving, “Happy New Year girl! I thought you would want this!” She says. You look down at her hand and it’s a photo of you and Noah from yesterday. He looked amazing in his jeans and black button-up shirt, his hair was gelled yet slightly messy.

“Thanks!” unable to contain a smile on your face just thinking about the both of you from last night, “Do you wanna stay for a bite? I can make something?” You asked her.

“Yeah sure, I’ll stay and recover a bit more because last night was WOW,” she laughs, “so, you and Noah huh?” you turn to her and she’s wiggling her eyebrows. What happened was amazing, but you didn’t know what was going to happen next. All you thought about was last night and everything but the future between you two.

You had this crush on Noah for a while now, there was non stop texting between the both of you. People kept telling you that maybe the feelings were mutual, but it felt too good to be true. Noah was this amazing actor and you were this ordinary girl who he met through mutual friends. How would a relationship even work if this were to happen?

Don't read the last page

But I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong

Or we're making mistakes

Throughout the whole party, you and Noah were inseparable. Everything you did, he did and everything he did, you did. From playing harmless drinking games to sitting on the sofa cuddling and chatting nonstop. There were definitely glares thrown at the pair, but at your drunken state, you thought it was nothing. When you had become separated from Noah, you saw a few of your friends Victoria, Christina, and Gabby, talking in a corner.

You went up to them to see how they are doing, “Hey guys! What are you up to?” they immediately put on fake smiles. The last bit of ‘sober Y/N’ had thought this was weird, but the ‘drunk Y/N’ didn't think anything of it.

“Oh, just resting from this non-stop dancing! Nice party by the way!” They answer. At some point during this awkward exchange, you saw Vic’s eyes flash to Noah quickly. That’s when it all clicked, Noah had asked Victoria out months ago but she had rejected him because she “wasn’t ready” so why does she care now?

You brush off that thought and continue making your rounds to check if it’s getting too chaotic. As you do this your mind floats back to Victoria and Noah, “Maybe this isn’t okay” you think to yourself, “I didn’t think Vic and Noah were a big deal, maybe they are and this is a mistake” Your eyes find Noah’s, "or maybe not.".

I want your midnights

It was only 10 minutes till midnight, you had gathered everyone to the main area with the projector setup displaying the famous ball drop in New York. Noah had found you dancing with the rest of the group. Everyone partied like nothing else mattered. Dancing, drinking, and capturing moments people probably won’t remember tomorrow, if it wasn’t for cameras.

Time had flown by and the countdown from 30 seconds had started. Your heart was racing, you didn’t know what was going to happen. Sure you and Noah had been talking nonstop but does he really like you? It all comes down to this moment.

10

Noah’s hand found yours

9

You look around at your surroundings

8

But all you see is this beautiful brunette

7

The both of you is still counting together

6

Everyone else starts to fade…

5

Then the music….

4

He pulls you closer

3

You smile at him

2

Both of you start leaning in

1…

You kiss.

“Smile you two!” Morgan says. Noah ends the kiss first, smiling towards the Polaroid camera and you follow.

But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

You heard a knock on your door as you were in the middle of looking for some food.

“You get it, I’ll look for something to eat for us,” Morgan said, you smile and thank her. As you walk towards the door you pick up a bunch of empty bottles that were scattered all throughout your apartment.

“Hey! Happy New Year!” You greet, struggling to hold the bottles you had picked up. You look up to meet Noah’s eyes. He looked great considering how much he drank the night before and so did you, but then again you never get hangovers. He chuckles at you struggling and immediately helps you with a few bottles. “Thanks, come on in!” as you invite him in, Morgan sees him and gives you a look. You roll your eyes at her and drop the bottles in the recycling bin.

“Hey! How was your night?” Morgan winks and Noah greets her back. Morgan then looks to you, “ I couldn’t find food I want to eat so I’m going to head out to get us food, Noah do you want anything?” Morgan offers. He replies with a no thank you as he continues helping you clean up the bottles.

“Alright sounds good, I’ll just have what you are having,” You reply to her. She grabs her keys, winks at you and heads out the door. Silence filled the air as you both continued on cleaning. You didn’t know what to say and neither did Noah, he looked troubled, not knowing what to say.

As Noah placed the final bottle in the bin, he turned to you, “Look, Y/N, obviously I need to clear something up here…” Noah trailed off. Your heart was beating a thousand miles per hour, this didn’t sound so good. “You are very pretty, smart, and nice, but I don’t feel for you like as a relationship or anything like that type of thing,” Noah added, your heart dropped and you didn’t know how to reply. Noah continued, “ Yesterday was definitely a mixed signal for you and I feel awful about it…” You wanted to say something but you didn’t know what to say. You felt angry, betrayed, and devastated. So many things were running through your head. How could he do this to you?

You wanted to know what was going through his mind this whole time, it doesn’t make any sense, it wasn’t just last night that he had been flirting with you. The flirting had been going on for about a month now, why the sudden change?

“I have been in the same situation only it was the other way around and it sucked. I’m so sorry for everything I just wanted to let you know before things went too far.” the guilty boy finally finished his speech. You didn’t know what to say, you didn’t want to embarrass yourself.

Eventually, you managed to put words together, “Yeah… I feel like that was just because we were both drunk … And don’t worry about it, you’re a good guy” you finally raise your eyes at him. “ I’m not gonna lie when we first met I was kinda into you, but I like us better as friends. I don’t want things to be weird with us after last night…” you lie, you’re trying hard to keep as much dignity you have left and brush off his confession as if it didn’t affect you. But it had, and you were crushed.

Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you

Your close friends had arrived early to have a fancy dinner before the party had started. Sadly, Noah had a last minute shoot for his upcoming movie. By the time everyone had finished dinner, Noah had finished, he just texted you that he was on his way over. Your friends helped you clean up before people came to avoid anything breaking.  Suddenly, the doorbell rang, you ran to the door and opened it. It was Noah, he still had a bit of makeup on from the shoot that you could tell he had tried to rub off.

“I like your makeup!” You laugh at his attempt to take off his makeup.

Noah sheepishly rubs his face. “I can handle this stuff for shoots and stuff, but daily? Dang woman! How do you do this?” He complains to you. You offer him some makeup remover wipes and he gladly accepts. You take him upstairs to your washroom and give him the wipes.

“Do you need help taking it off? Or can you handle that yourself?” You tease him.

“Well I mean if you need an excuse to come closer then okay…” he says in a seductive voice.

“Come on! You could've done better than that!” You laugh at Noah's attempt to flirt with you. You grab the wipes from his hand as he sits on the counter, your body is in between his legs as he rests his hands on your waist. The sound of your heart pounding was loud, you were sure the Noah could hear it over the both of you talking about each others day.

As you finish taking off his makeup, the both of you stare into each other's eyes, your faces slowly inch closer together. “Hey, you two! Come down here before everyone arrives!” you could hear one of your friends shout from outside the washroom. The both of you jump separating yourselves a bit, but still not letting go of each other.

“Maybe we should join them…” Noah trails off as his eyes flicker from yours to your lips.

There’s glitter on the floor after the party

“Thanks for understanding” Noah smiles at you. You look into his eyes and you were confused. You could see guilt and sadness in his eyes, but what made you confused was when you could see a hint of regret. Not like he regretted what you two had experienced, but as if he didn't want to be rejecting you and he regrets doing this, there had to be more than he isn't telling you. He told you that he wanted to end this and that he didn’t want you, so why are his eyes saying something else? The pair stays silent for a while as you process things and cleaning the tabletops to keep you both occupied. “I should get going now…” Noah says as he finishes wiping down the surface of your tables. “I have to video chat my parents later…” he awkwardly shuffles to the door. Noah had always been open with you from the beginning. The second time you guys hung out he told you how hard it was being in a different country as his parents, especially when he had to move away so young. Although he finds it embarrassing that he calls his mom every day, you found it sweet.

“Yeah, no problem. Thanks for stopping by,” you say as you go to open the door. You both exchange goodbyes before you shut the door. Suddenly your vision became blurry from the tears building up in your eyes, you leaned your back against the wall and slid down on the floor. You don’t know how long you were there for, but you were playing every single moment you two had together. How could this happen? It seemed like the feelings you had for each other were mutual, but you were mistaken.

When you recovered from your mini shut down, you look around the room. There was glitter everywhere on the floor and stuck to your body. You felt empty, even though you told Noah you still wanted to be friends, how were you supposed to go back to normal. You didn’t even know what ‘normal’ was for you guys, the majority of the time knowing him it was always flirting. One thing you knew was that you had to clean up and put everything in the past.    

The door opened and in came Morgan, “Y/N? Are you okay? What happened?” she asked all worried. When she left you were with Noah all happy, but now you’re not and he’s not here.

Please don't ever become a stranger

Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

~time skip~

   It has been a few months since New Years and you finally recovered. It took you a while to get over Noah, your friends practically had to drag you out of bed so you could go out with them. As the days went on it got easier to not think about the stunning brunette and it felt great. You were more mad than anything. Sadly, you never patched up that friendship with him and got back to the way things were, but you were okay with that. Since the both of you were in the same friend group you still had to see him, at first it was awkward but you both got over it. However, you never had a one on one conversation since that day.

   You were currently bowling with a few of your friends having a great time. Everyone was happy now that you were back to normal.

   “Okay! Loser buys a round of shots for us at the club later!” Morgan challenges, everyone laughs and agrees. It was girls night and you all were planning on getting wasted with a possibility of meeting an eligible bachelor.  

   “You guys are going down!” You shout, you walk up to the lane and start prepping. Suddenly you hear a laugh a few lanes down from you, it was pretty crowded and loud but you could never forget one of your favorite laughs. You turn to face where the noise came from, your mind was right, it was Noah.

There were multiple times you saw him after New Years, but this time was different. You saw him with Christina, and it wasn’t just a hangout, his arm was around her plus they clearly were flirting. You pointed them out to your friends and some of them were shooting you looks to see that you’re okay, but others were mad that Noah just practically hit up all the girls in your friend group.

It wasn’t until after Noah told you off that you found out that he had chatted up all your friends, which was disgusting considering that you all were in the same circle of friends. By the time you had found that out about him, you were done with it. You would still deal with being ‘friends’ with him still, he hurt you all and that wasn’t right.

At first, when you found out you didn’t believe it, he was so sweet and caring, how could he do it? But he did. There was still some part of you deep inside that felt for him and seeing him with Christina hurt. She was the last person you would expect to do this, none of you saw it coming. What hurt, even more, was that he promised once that he would take you bowling. One day you sent him a snap of your bowling score and he had challenged you, he didn’t say it would be a date, but you thought it could be one. However, he never took you.

And I will hold on to you

It was nearing the end of the night, you and your close friends were all sat on the sofas laughing about old stories of each other. Noah’s arm was around you leaning on each other, everyone was tired and sobered up. Which made sense since you all started partying at 8. The party had calmed down, mostly everyone went home or to another party spot when they figured out their chance with Noah was basically impossible. As everyone broke into their own conversations, Noah turned to you, “I should go… I had a great time, tonight was unexpected but good,” he smiled as he started to get up.

“Me too! Thanks for coming!” You said. He pulled you into a tight hug like you both were savoring it. The rest of the boys stood up as well saying their goodbyes. You lead them to the door and took one last polaroid before they left.

You smiled at them, you could tell that he was happy, he used to have those eyes whenever you were around. It feels like there should have been more to what has happened, but you will never know. There are some things you will never understand and one of them is the whole truth of what happened between you two. It hurts but you had to let him go, maybe he was the right person at the wrong time or maybe not. All you know is that something felt right between you two to just let him go.

You took a deep breath, “goodbye Noah…” you whispered as threw your ball down the lane. You turn around walking back to your spot, Gabby’s face drops.

“Aw man! Okay, drinks on me tonight!” She yells, “but we’re having a rematch next time!” She challenges. You were confused, you thought were in last behind Gabby, but that was until you looked up at the screen and saw you got a strike. You smile and finish your turn.

“Okay, who is ready to party?” You say as everyone starts getting ready to leave. You walk to the counter returning your shoes then head towards the exit. You pause and hesitate before turning around to get one last look at Noah. Your eyes met his brown ones that had already been on you, both of you had this look in your eyes. Everything that happened between the both of you will live in your memories, and there will definitely always be a place in your heart for him no matter how bad he could hurt you. Whether you had still a future together as friends, you don’t know, but you had to let him go.

So there you both were, staring at each other across the room, it was as if time had stopped. You gave him a slight nod and he returned it. This was it, the ending of you two as a couple, the closure you finally needed.

“Y/N C'mon! We are going to miss all the cute guys!” Morgan said snapping you out of your last moment with Noah. You laugh and ran outside to the car. From that point on, Noah was the last thing on your mind for the rest of the night.

[frisbee-camp]

Let Me Help

AO3 Link//Wattpad Link

Tj and Cyrus have been friends for a long time, but will that change after life comes crashing down and impulsive decisions catch up to them? (Angst, Ambi, love notes, slow burn, aged up so they're all in high school, god tier ships, mental health, and like a whole bunch more ladies! Let’s get this angst.)

Chapter 9 Unresolved 

"What do you mean you saw them kiss!?" Cyrus had practically yelled, Nala jumped. Andi and Buffy had told Cyrus that they saw Jonah with Walker the entire night, practically attached to the hip. "He's been avoiding us a lot lately," Andi frowned and bit her lip. Buffy nodded and added, "Plus, Marty said there were rumors that Walker was dating a boy." "But, Jonah?" Cyrus said, slumped, "Jonah Hercules Beck is straight..." "No one's straight Cy," Andi said as they pointed between themselves and Cyrus, "we would know." "Yea, but..." Cyrus trailed off. He had totally believed Jonah Beck™ was 100% straight. But now that he knew he was with Walker, he felt a sudden urge of jealousy. He was the complicated one, he was the gay one, not perfect and popular Jonah Beck. Cyrus grimaced, his cheeks felt hot. "Cyrus?" Buffy said, "are you alright? It's OK to be jealous." "Yeah Cy, we all know you liked Jonah, it was pretty obvious," Andi said smiling, "but now that means you can focus on TJ! Who has a total massive humungo crush on you!"  "Guys, I don't know why I said I liked him, I think it's because he defended me. It's because he defended me right? I mean no guy will ever like me," Cyrus said as his friends gave him shocked looks. "You've got to be kidding right! You've got the toughest guy in all of Jefferson basically in love with you and you don't even see it? You're all he sees Cyrus! D'you think he'd punch his longest friend over anyone? Don't be so oblivious," Buffy huffed, clearly over Cyrus' lack of self-esteem. After that, their conversation shifted to Buffy complaining about all of the girls that flirted with Marty and Andi complaining about never being able to see Amber because of her work schedule. Cyrus stayed silent for most of it, thinking back to when he woke up in his own sweater. Any other jock would have thought it was embarrassing or dorky, but TJ had kept it. His heart skipped a beat. Maybe he did like TJ? But, at the same time, he thought about how Jonah was going out with Walker, and that made his skin burn. It was worse than when Andi dated him, at least then he thought he had no chance, but now? Now that Jonah was, bi? pan? questioning? Whatever, Cyrus was still bitter. He envied Walker. What did he have that Cyrus didn't? Art skills? He could take a class. He's an artist! He'd won an award for his screenplay. Whatever, he thought, I'll just make Jonah jealous, we'll see how he feels then.  When his friends had left after telling him that their "relationship intervention" was over, Cyrus received a text from TJ.  From Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Hey Cy, hope you got home safe and everything, I'm sorry I punched Reed... Are we still cool? 😬 To Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Yes :0 thanks again,,,,,sry i was a mess lol. see you tomorrow?  From Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Of course :) See you at lunch? To Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Yup WOOP WOOp 💥 Cyrus couldn't help but frown at his own text message. Ugh, I'm such a dork. He immediately texted Buffy and Andi for help.  To GHC👩🏻👩🏾‍🦱🌈❣️: Cyrus 💕🕍✨: I think I just said I liked him because he defended me, so I'm overthinking it right? Like we're friends, so nothing will happen PLUS HES A HET!!1 ANDIII😽: cyrus stop overthinking everything, this happened with me and amber too remember???? BufFY 😩🙆🏽‍♀️: HE LIKES YOU DONT BE A DUMBBASSSSSS, THE ENTIRE SCHOOL KNOWSSSSSSSS LOOK AT THE VIDEO I DMD YOU ON IG GODDAMN  ANDIII😽: Buffyyyy we weren't supposed to show him that.... BufFY 😩🙆🏽‍♀️: he needs to know Cyrus was never into social media, he only went on to comment encouraging things on his friend's new posts. He even had his notifications off, but once he opened the underused app, his screen was filled with dm's, new followers, and comments. He quickly scrolled through most of them. Many of them asked if he was Dating TJ?! One said Hi cy i know u dont know me but ur like really brave another said idk who ur kidding, tj is straight lmaooo and another said hey is it true? His heart raced, he suddenly needed to stand up. Where would people get such an idea? Sure, people must have seen TJ fighting with Reed, but he didn't think people would connect that to him. TJ was respected, Cyrus wasn't, why would Tj's actions be caused by Cyrus? Cyrus opened Buffy's direct message, which had been pushed to the bottom of his feed by the time he went looking for it. It was a dark video, but Cyrus managed to catch an out of focus TJ and Reed standing in Iris' living room. He turned up the volume,  "-somewhere else!"  He heard Tj say, he looked disheveled and sweaty. "GOD, What is with you. Do you like him or something?" Cyrus gasped at the same time as the camera person. Is this the source Buffy and Andi were talking about? "So we were right, you do like him! And now you're choosing him over us?! We've been friends longer than you have with that loser-" Cyrus' eyebrows raised as he saw TJ's fist come in contact with Reed's face. The rest of the video was a blur of curse words and drunk teenagers chanting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"  Cyrus sat down on his bed, unable to comprehend what had just seen. Now he knew why he was getting so many notifications. He didn't know TJ could resort to violence like that. Hearing about a fight is much different than seeing that. But, he smiled. TJ had defended him, plus someone liked him! Him! Anxious, depressed, confused Cyrus Goodman who hated loud noises and sports. He felt light and airy, but most importantly he felt needed, more needed than ever. He had almost wanted to come out to his parents right then and there. They were all there, of course, sipping their wine about twenty feet away. He had quickly texted his friends a shocked cat gif and turned off his phone as he walked out of his room with newfound confidence.  "Hey Cy," one of his parents had called to him suspiciously, he didn't care which. TJ Kippen liked him and maybe he liked him back.  "Hello parentals," Cyrus said cheerily as he sat in an empty dining room seat, they were still having brunch, which had now turned into wine and ice cream. Cyrus picked at the leftover grapes and popped them into his mouth grinning.  "You look very happy today Cy, what did those girls do to you in there?" Norman joked. Cyrus shrugged and chucked uncomfortably.  "Whatever happened to that girlfriend of yours Cy? Ilene was her name?" a mom said. "No Sharron, it was Ivy," Todd said. "No, I'm pretty sure it's Isa," Leslie said. "Guys, you're all wrong. It's Iris. And we were never really together and I don't want to talk about this with my parents right now," Cyrus got up to leave, but one of his parents called out to him.  "Wait! Cy! Don't close us off so quickly. Just tell us, are there any new girls we should know about?" Shannon wiggled her eyebrows, Leslie nudged her side. Cyrus laughed a little too loud, "NO," he said, "no girls mom, never."  "Never?" Todd said, quizzically. Cyrus stopped. Did I just out myself through a joke? Am I really boo boo the fool?  "Cyrus?" His mom said, "do you want to tell us something we might already know? You know you can trust us." Cyrus thought about how his parents were trained in observing and analyzing. He knew that if he didn't answer, then they'd know he was hiding something if he answered too quickly they'd also know, and if he said anything at all they'd also know. He stood still instead, hoping that some being would impossibly teleport him to a different planet. Maybe Pluto? he thought Pluto is cute, and very far away from here.  "Cyrus?" His parents called again. Cyrus stared at the wall behind them, unable to speak. He gave one last chuckle and turned to walk a little too quickly to his room. He put on his headphones, played his playlist titled I'M A BIG FAT HOPELESS ROMANTIC and looked at the messages left on his phone. They ranged from encouraging Bitmojis to angry girls telling him to back off.  Oh my god, tomorrow is going to be hell. Cyrus spent the rest of the day nervously doing his homework in anticipation of tomorrow. Normally, he'd text TJ whenever he was nervous, but now that he was the reason for his anxiety, he stuck to his history notes. He had come out of his room only when he knew half of his parents were gone. Monday morning was relatively quiet, his parents had decided to not ask him about what had happened yesterday, which he was eternally grateful for. However, that was not the root of all of his worry.  Once he got to school, Cyrus immediately knew something was different. For the first time in his life, people his age noticed him. Everyone's eyes followed him down the hall, to and from his classes, and even during the peak hallway traffic. Thankfully, he had Buffy and Andi the entire day to protect him. Sure, they could protect him from direct attack, but he could still see kids whispering and pointing at him.  During lunch, Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus sat at their usual spot.  "Okay you guys, things are different now, be prepared." Buffy had warned them both. Cyrus felt uneasy, he knew something was about to happen, but he didn't know what. They had been discussing how to address Jonah's new boyfriend without being overbearing. They decided to not bring it up.  Just then, Marty and Amber walked up to the table and sat next to their respective partners, leaving Cyrus alone with his muffin for the millionth time. He thought about texting TJ, but he didn't know what to say to him.  "Cyrus!" Amber said, "I'm glad you're feeling better. TJ should be here soon."  Suddenly, the cafeteria doors opened and in came Jonah holding hands with Walker. Cyrus made a fist. They sat down a little too happily, Cyrus looked down at his tray. He felt tears pool in his eyes.  "Hello there," Buffy eyed them. Cyrus tentatively looked over at Jonah who seemed grounded. There was something different about him as if a light he didn't know existed had been turned on. He watched as Jonah talked to his friends, he didn't listen to what they were saying, he was too busy looking at how Jonah looked at Walker every so often just to smile at him. Cyrus wanted that. He wanted someone who understood him, someone who grounded him in reality, someone that didn't make him feel so lost.  "So," he heard Jonah say in his direction, "I heard that TJ likes you. I thought you guys were already together?" Cyrus thought he heard a twinge of jealousy in his voice, but it might have been his imagination.  Cyrus suddenly couldn't handle it anymore, from the stares to the questions, to gently coming out to his parents, it was too much. He silently stood up. His friends eyed him. "I need," Cyrus started but couldn't seem to verbalize his thoughts. What did he need? Something, he needed something. "Something," he said, before quietly packing his things and walking towards the cafeteria exit. Before he could exit, he saw TJ walk in. Cyrus saw the confidence oozing out of him, his stomach churned.  "Hey," TJ smiled at him, "Where are you headed? Lunch just started." "Oh, I was going to uh-" Cyrus looked up at Tj, Did his face get cuter? "I uh, was going to go sit with Andi and Buffy and them," he looked for an escape, but TJ was already turning him back around to join his friends.  "Come on then silly, they're the other way," TJ grinned. Cyrus hid behind TJ for most of the walk back to the table, the whispers they were getting were becoming unbearable, he wanted to cry. He couldn't make himself look his friends in the eyes when he sat back down. "Is this the something you needed?" Marty chuckled, Buffy jabbed him with her elbow. Cyrus fiddled with a broken spork as his friends continued talking about Jefferson gossip. Tj had inched himself closer to Cyrus, he let him. He hadn't noticed how different he felt with TJ around. How much easier living seemed to be. Before he knew it, he and TJ were shoulder to shoulder, leg to leg. He still couldn't bring himself to look at his friends, but they were used to his daily mini meltdowns. TJ started to laugh at something Walker had said, Cyrus grinned slightly He fits in so well. He saw Tj look down at him worried, he gently pried the spork out of his hands, it had started to draw blood. Cyrus hadn't noticed.    "What's wrong? Do you want to leave?" Tj softly asked him. Cyrus gave a small nod, his heart lurched. There were too many eyes on him.  Tj quickly packed away his things and gave his friends an excuse. Before walking away, Cyrus saw Jonah frown at them.  Cyrus didn't know where Tj was taking him, but he didn't really care. In the hallway, Cyrus thought he heard a noise. Once they rounded the corner, he saw Reed, Lester, and a couple other boys he didn't know. He gulped. TJ moved in front of him. "AYYYY look who it is!" Reed said, throwing his arms up.  "Leave me alone Reed," TJ said, trying to walk through.  "Bro, we're still bros. I forgive you for the other night. I know you were drunk and shit." Reed leaned in closer and said something to TJ that Cyrus couldn't hear, but made TJ look back at him.  "Dude, leave him alone," Lester said, pushing on Reed's shoulder.  "Hey, I just want to know what we're all thinking. So Teej, what is it? Are you still choosing this dork over your bros?" Reed said. The rest of the gang looked apprehensive, they didn't care enough to cause a scene. "Dude, just leave it," One boy said worried.  "Shut up," TJ said quietly, "Just shut up." Cyrus saw TJ ball his fists and tense up. Lester moved towards Tj, but Reed stopped him with his arm.  "Tell us," Reed said.  TJ stayed still. "Teej-" Reed had said before Cyrus heard bodies hit the floor. He closed his eyes. There was yelling, sneakers hitting the floor, and eventually, he heard the voices of teachers. Someone pushed him against the wall, someone else called his name, someone else touched his hair. He didn't want to open his eyes. 

[floral-and-fine]

Hell of Heaven part 2

Joseph Seed x female reader

A/n: I’m actually happier with this than I thought I would be :p Like I am so excited about this story!

warnings: religious stuff, kidnapping, sorta dark, slightly violent (idk just trying to be safe)

summary: Joseph Seed believes he has found his equal in popular singer/songwriter who has very strong opinions on God. 

Part 1

“She refuses to eat,” Jacob complained to his brother. “I suggest we let her starve.”

“That’s not an option,” Joseph stated. He wouldn’t lose to you so easily. “I’ll talk to her.”

“I don’t understand why you keep wasting your breath,” Jacob argued.

It had been two days since you woke up, during that time you haven’t uttered a word to Joseph or ate anything. Joseph knew that your willpower was strong, but his was stronger. In the end, everything will turn out as it has to.

“It’s… complicated,” he replied already heading towards the room you were in.

It was a small barren room with just a table. On the walls carved into the wood paneling was various scripture.

You still looked so defiant even with your hands bound behind your back and sitting on the floor.

“You need to eat something,” Joseph said noticing the food that was untouched on the table.

You didn’t answer him, instead, you just stared at him with your lips pursed tightly.

He sat next to you, leaning back against the wall and resting his arms on his knees. Joseph sighed looking up at the ceiling.

“I knew you wouldn’t make this easy,” he rubbed the back of his neck, and just sat there quietly.

Just like the first time you met him, you watched him closely. You wanted to figure him out before he could untangle the mess that was you.

He had several scars and tattoos. You read the words on his skin sloth, greed, lust… you averted your eyes, focusing on his tattoos instead, they were beautiful, you particularly liked the swallows.

“You have a tattoo don’t you?” he asked suddenly as if he could read your mind.

He pushed the collar of your button up aside a little to reveal the text on your collarbone.

“Heaven is here,” he muttered reading it out loud. His index finger barely brushing against your skin. Every time he touched you, just like right now or the time before on your wrist, sent shivers down your spine.

“Is that something he used to tell you?”

Joseph mentioned ‘him’ again. It bothered you relentlessly that Joseph knew who ‘he’ was. It wasn’t public knowledge, it was something you kept under wraps, like a terrible secret. You wanted to ask him how he knew, but you didn’t want to cave. He was using it as bait to get you to talk.

“It’s alright if you’re not ready to talk yet, it’s a delicate subject.” He stood back up, grabbing the tray off the table. “Let’s try this again.”

He offered you the food, but you turned away from him. Bringing your knees up under your chin. But Joseph wasn’t phased. He had unlimited patience with you.

“How about I tell you a little about myself then,” Joseph started, sitting across from you this time and setting the tray on his lap. “You’ve met most of my family, my brothers Jacob and John… you’ll meet my sister, Faith, soon.”

He picked up the bread and took a bite, he was looking away from you. He had a vacant expression his face like he was somewhere else.

“My family used to be bigger, I had a wife and an infant daughter…” he muttered, his attention returned to you as his blue eyes stared at your face. “I was chosen by God and so were you, but instead of accepting your fate, you insist on denying it and hating him for choosing you.”

You let your guard down a little, lowering your knees and looking straight at him with sad eyes, but you remained silent.

He tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear.

Joseph sighed, “you’ll come around.” Without another word, he left.

You struggled against the ropes binding your hands together, but you were feeling completely drained of energy. You gave up rather quickly and laid on the floor.  

You hated admitting this, even if it was just to yourself, but you missed Joseph’s company. You weren’t very close to anyone anymore, you had alienated yourself from all your friends and family a long time ago.

Joseph showed genuine interest in you, most people only seemed to care for the artificial you, the you, you pretended to be for the public. But he already had this intimate connection with you.

Your eyelids felt heavy, you tried your best to fight falling asleep but soon gave up on that too.

Waking up to see John’s face turned your blood cold. Something about John Seed put you on pins and needles. You felt more comfortable around Joseph and Jacob, they were more stable than their younger brother. You knew Joseph wouldn’t hurt you and that Jacob wouldn’t unless provoked, but John was unpredictable.

It took you awhile to fully wake up, but as you did you saw a variety of sharp tools and implements on the table.

John selected a thin sharp knife.

“Hello there,” he spoke seeing that you were finally awake. “Thought you and I should get to know each other better.”

You rolled your eyes at him. He just smiled in response.

“Joseph is being too gentle with you,” he explained playing with the knife in his hand, taunting you. “I’ll break you like the others.”

“There’s nothing left to break,” you replied in a tired voice. “I’ve fallen to pieces over and over again, then I gave up putting myself back together. I don’t see the point anymore.”

The tip of his knife was pressed against the middle of your neck. You leaned in closer, a droplet of blood ran down your chest as the knife punctured your soft skin.

You could see the smirk forming on John’s lips, he seemed entertained at your willingness to die.

“What have I said about hurting her?” Joseph’s voice suddenly broke the silence.  

Your eyes looked up surprised to see him standing in the doorway with a tray.

John’s smirk quickly faded. He sighed, standing back up and putting his tools away.

“Yeah, well, I got her talking again,” John shrugged, he took one last look at you before exiting the room.

Joseph narrowed his eyes, glaring at the direction his brother left in.

“So you’re finally speaking to us again?” he said redirecting his attention to you.

He sat next to you like last time, placing a tray of food between you. Joseph took the napkin and cleaned the small line of blood from the tiny cut. His eyes lingered there for a moment before he spoke up again.

“Do you want to talk about him, your husband?” he asked.

You didn’t answer him immediately, “I…” you began but then stopped. Where should you even start? It was such a long time ago, but it still hurt like it happened yesterday.

“Have you ever talked about what happened?” Joseph peered into your eyes, you could see a certain softness behind them. Considering what he told you last time, he could probably relate.

“I loved him… I loved him,” you croaked, it hurt to think about him, but it all sort of just started spilling out.

“We were young, from a small town… we had little to nothing, just his old pick up truck and some clothes when we ran off together. We lived in the tiniest studio apartment you could find in the city. The day he asked me to marry him, I had never been so happy.”

You released a shaky breath before you continued.

“But then he got involved with some bad people, he tried to keep me in the dark about it… all he ever said was how everything he did he did for me.”

You paused, you never told anyone this. You just buried it all, it came out in your music in various ways, but you never felt like anyone was actually listening to you. That no one would understand.

“He was killed… I saw him the night before, nothing seemed different, it was just a typical Friday night, and then the next night he was gone,” you ran your fingers through your hair, “I feel like it’s my fault… that I killed him.”

“We have a lot in common,” Joseph muttered. “I don’t want you to hold on to this kind of pain.”

He ran his fingers through your hair. You were starting to get accustomed to his little occasional touches. There was something tender about each time.

“You must be hungry,” Joseph muttered and pinched off a piece of bread and held it to your lips. “I know deep down you want to give in. You want this.”

He leaned in closer to you, “will you join me, y/n? Will you let me save you?”

You gave in, accepting the bread he offered you. Your lips touched his fingertips as he fed it to you. Absentmindedly, he traced your bottom lip with his index finger.

You started to cry, nodding your head.

“It’s a humbling sight to see you cry,” Joseph murmured, his index finger wiped a tear from under your eye.

Joseph untied your wrists, you had burns and sores around them. He gently rubbed his thumb around them.

You fell forward and sobbed against his shoulder.He ran his hand down your back comforting you like someone would with a small child.

“Finish eating y/n… you’ll feel better soon.”

Afterward, he led you to a new room, one with more than just a table. There was a small bed, an end table, and chair. There was a tiny attached bath with a shower, which you were incredibly grateful for.

Once you were alone, you stripped out of your clothes and just stood there under the running water.

Your mind wandered to what just happened. Your feelings were starting to get in the way of your better judgment. Did you actually just agree to join his cult? But being with him made you feel so good.

You turned off the faucet and dressed in a tank top and shorts. As soon as your head hit the pillow you drifted asleep, the firm mattress still felt better than the hard floors.

You could hear the voices of thousands of people all chanting your name. However, you stayed hidden tucked away backstage.

The thought of performing made you feel sick to your stomach. Every time you gave them everything you had left, re-lived things in your music that you’d rather forget, and by the end, you were left with nothing. Their applause rang hollow in your ears.

Each time, you told yourself this will be the last time. It took so much out of you to bear your soul and broken heart.

Taking a deep breath you took a step forward. It would be best to get it over with. Live the lie. Later you’ll drink yourself to sleep, make more bad decisions, trust the wrong people, and write more songs that captured all your pain.

Joseph appeared before you, “you don’t have to go out there. Y/n, we can start over… you and I.” He offered you his hand.

“You promise?”

“Of course,” he reassured you. The rowdy voices of the anxious audience faded away. “You don’t have to be alone anymore, from now on it’ll be us.”

Joseph tilted your chin up, he leaned down closer to you.

You opened your eyes slowly, you felt fingers combing through your hair. It felt so relaxing that at first, you didn’t question who was doing it.

“Are you awake?” a familiar voice asked.

You sat up, and scooted back, away from Joseph.

He gave you a sad smile, “When I came to check on you, it looked like you were having a bad dream.”

You rubbed your eyes, you couldn’t get that last part of that dream out of your head.

“You seemed more at peace before you woke up.What were you dreaming about?” Joseph asked.

You remembered how you felt in that dream with him. You had felt safe with Joseph like he’d never leave you, that he’d never hurt you. He knew how desperate you were for a new start.

“You, I dreamt about you,” you admitted in a soft whisper.

“Just when I think I have you figured out you say something like that,” he mused in a light tone. “I’ve had dreams of you too.”

You felt your breath catch in your throat, were his dreams anything like yours?

“I’m glad you awake, I wanted to tell the others with you present,” he announced. “To let them know you’re with me.”

Faith appeared delighted at the prospect of having a new sister. She gave you an embrace telling you how happy she was to have a sister.

Jacob didn’t really seem to care one way or another, he was probably just content not having to watch you anymore.

John, however, wasn’t so welcoming.

“If she really means it, then she should be willing to share her sins with me,” John removed his knife from his pocket. The blade gleamed as he examined it.

“Finally ready to confess, dear y/n?” he asked, his voice dripping with anticipation. John appeared delighted at the thought of hurting you.

“Y/n, you don’t have to do this,” Joseph added.

“I think she does, she needs to prove to us that she’s really one of us,” John countered.

You took off your shirt and pushed the straps of your bra down.

“Let’s get started, then,” you said full of conviction. “You know which sin.”

You got on your knees, and John crouched behind you. He held your shoulder in one hand to keep you steady.

You bit your lip as you felt the sharp tip of the knife pressing down on your skin.

Joseph knelt in front of you, he cupped your face with both of his hands directing your attention to him and him only.

Focusing on his face helped distract you from the pain. You clutched his shirt and tried to hold still. Tears slid down your cheeks, but you didn’t make a peep.

“P.” John muttered as he finished the first letter. Then his knife started tracing the next letter, “R.” The blade ran straight down your spine, and faster than with the last two letters. “I.” You wanted to scream as John drew the curve of the following letter, as he did it painstakingly slow. “D.” Your breathing had become quite ragged by the time he finished carving the “E.”

After John was done, he admired his work. “You’re one of us now,” he whispered in your ear.

Joseph gave John a sharp look, which was enough to get John to back off. He released your shoulder and stepped away.

Joseph pulled you closer to him, and pressed his forehead against yours, “You were so strong…” he murmured.

In the mirror, you could see the word “Pride” in red letters, your shoulders and upper back stung, like you had been burned.

Tags: @babe-with-thepower , @wyfto2812 , @thebaptistjohn, @padme4000,

[xxfanfiction-emo-trinityxx]

Zombie - Dallon Weekes x Reader

Request: For the zombie apocalypse thing I was thinking of Dallon and the reader getting stuck together alone (they lost everyone else) and as the weeks pass they get closer and closer since they only have each other. And then at the end either of them is bitten and they only have 24 hours left to be together until the venom kicks in and they have to say goodbye. Idk if you’d be willing to do something like that?

Warnings: violence, everyone dies (and I mean EVERYONE), blood, zombies, guns, all these nice things, sad

Word count: 3 593

A/N: My baby sister decided the ending, so all complaints about that go to her

It seemed like yesterday, yet worlds apart that you had seen the news, warning about this new disease. For a few weeks it had only been that, a message on the tv, but then everything had gone downhill. Some people said it was a virus that had escaped a research facility. Some people said it was a disease from outer space, something that had come to earth on a meteorite. Some people said it was god’s punishment. You did not know where it came from. You only knew it had taken everyone you had ever loved from you, first your mother and your father, your grandparents and then even your little sister. The city had turned into a ghost town.

Unlike the movies always pictured, not all the other living people wanted to harm you. Over time you met many people who all searched for help, so you helped each other. Almost half a year after the outbreak of this ‘zombie-virus’ as you called it, you had become part of a big group of survivors, every day fighting to survive in the wasteland that this world had become. Some people would argue that big groups were not effective, and it was true to certain extends. The more people you were the slower you could travel, the less agile you were. But bigger groups meant more safety. There were always several people on guard duty while the others were cooking or sleeping. You had more knowledge about everything, since everyone knew different things. And you felt saver in general.

For a while this group seemed to withstand every obstacle that was thrown in its way. You were a team, you were strong together. And then the first one died.

It was Patrick, poor, sweet Patrick. You had liked him the moment you first saw him. He had become your best friend in the group, always making an effort to be nice and optimistic.

It had been a not unusual scenario. The group had inspected an old supermarket, in the hopes of finding more than a few berries to eat, and had been surprised by the zombies, undead, diseased, whatever you want to call them. Everyone had started running, but some of these monsters had been fast, terribly fast. They had grabbed Patrick by his legs and pulled him to the floor. Gerard and Ray had immediately turned around, trying to save him, but they had only been able to watch as their friend was torn into pieces by the bloodthirsty creatures.

It had been Dallon, Dallon of all people, who had picked your crying and screaming form up, carrying you away from the scene of the murder. You had liked Patrick, he had been your friend and you refused to believe that he was gone. And you hated Dallon, he was always for himself, never seemed to care about anyone, and now he was separating you from your best friend.

You had nightmares for weeks, the blood and the screams still vivid in your imagination. The only comfort you had gotten, was the hat, Patrick had left behind. You knew it was stupid and childish, but when the horrors where too overwhelming, you took the hat and cradled it against your chest, like a kid with its stuffed toy.

The second one was Brendon. At first everything seemed fine, only a bite. Mikey had been fast with killing the monster, so a single bite seemed easy to deal with. Or so everyone thought.

You had taken care of the wound, being the one with the most extensive medical knowledge. You had wrapped a semi-clean bandage around Brendon’s injured hand and told him to check it tomorrow.

It had been during dinner, exactly twenty-four hours after the bite. Brendon was telling a story, the bowl with hot soup resting in his lap, when he suddenly fell asleep. Everyone had exchanged glances, wondering how someone like Brendon could fall asleep in the middle of a sentence, and then Joe noticed he was not breathing. You had scrambled to your feet, quickly walking over to the seemingly asleep Brendon, and had taken his pulse. None.

In that moment his eyes had snapped open and he had taken hold of your arm. His teeth were dangerously close to your skin when Dallon had pulled you away from him. Everyone had gotten up in fear, watching as Brendon had stood up. But these had not been the graceful movements you knew. These were the uncoordinated, rickety movements of these zombies, dead eyes staring into the round. Frank was the first one to act, taking a big stone and smashing it into Brendon’s head, effectively killing the monster your friend had become.

And so you figured out how these zombies came into existence. When you were bitten, you had twenty-four hours before dying and then inevitably reawaking as one of these creatures, thirsting for human blood. But they were not alive, these creatures were dead. They started rotting away, while walking around, and that explained the missing limbs, the terrible smell, the typical ‘zombie-look’.

For a few weeks nothing had happened, no one had died, no one had fallen victim to the monsters. And just when you felt like maybe you all would get out of this alive, somehow, no matter how long it would take to fight this, Gerard died.

Gerard had been the unofficial leader of the group and without him, you felt more lost than ever. And from there on people died in rapid succession.

Within two weeks Pete, Frank, Mikey and Joe were taken from you, leaving only Andy, Ray, Dallon and you.

You still did not like Dallon. He was an arrogant ass sometimes and he barely bothered to talk to you. It upset you, especially since the group had now shrunk to the size of four, making communication more important than ever. You even thought that it would be easier to kill yourself than to live with Dallon if the other two should die.

That was before you got robbed.

Your experience with other humans in this zombie apocalypse was that everyone searched for help. If they did not want to team up, you helped each other as good as possible and everyone went their separate ways. These people were different. They had pointed guns to your heads, asking you to hand over your weapons and food together with all the medical material. The four of you had shared quick glances, deciding that you had nothing that was valuable enough to risk your lives for. You had handed over everything you had, apart from the knives that each of you carried well hidden in the legs of your trousers. Everything would have been fine if it had stayed at that, as fine as being robbed can be. But then they decided that they had taken a liking in you, how much fun they could have with you. Andy had told them to cut the shit talk. It had been the last thing he said before a bullet in the head sent him to the ground. Ray had quickly jumped to your protection, wanting to make sure they kept their fingers off of you, but he paid with his life. You still felt the drizzle of warm, sticky blood on your skin. Dallon had not thought twice before he had grabbed your hand and pulled you away. Bullets had hit the dirt to your feet and the trees left and right off you, but none had found their way to Dallon’s or your body.

It had been twenty-seven days since then. After you had finished running, you had broken down, tears streaming down your face unstoppably. It felt hopeless. Your once big group of eleven had been broken down to two. Your friends had died trying to protect you. How were you ever going to escape this mess?

Much to your surprise, Dallon had sat down next to you and wrapped his arms around you, holding you so tight, making it feel like he was holding the pieces of your breaking apart soul into place. You appreciated that, and you told him. It seemed fate had conspired against you, leaving you with the man you had still not managed to like in the entire year you had now known him. But since it felt like you were the last two people on earth, you decided to make the best out of it, and so did Dallon as it seemed.

He always woke you up when you had a nightmare, hugged you, wiped your tears away when you were crying. You would have done the same for him, but he never showed his emotions. You wondered if he just did not feel them, but he seemed to understand how much you were suffering, so he had to feel something. Maybe he just hid it all away.

As weeks passed, you started to like Dallon more and more, something you had thought impossible. You still knew nothing about his past, or what his favorite movie had been, but you learned a lot about his character. And the more you learned the more you liked it. Often you wondered if it was an effect of you two being the only ones left or if it would have happened otherwise too, but then again it did not matter. It was unlikely that you would ever learn what it would be like to lead a normal life with him, so you could at least focus on your feelings in the moment. It was not like you could just walk up to him and tell him about it either, so you tried to put your energy into keeping the two of you safe.

~*~

It was Day 406, maybe 408, you were not sure, one of those two, when for the first time Dallon had a nightmare. It was your turn to keep watch, so you were immediately alarmed when you heard the unfamiliar sound of whimpering coming from behind you. You turned around, finding Dallon sweat bathed, pale and mumbling nonsense curled up in his blanket. You jumped up, quickly shaking your companion awake. He shot up, eyes widened in terror and for a moment his gaze flickered around aimlessly before it found you.

“It’s alright,” you told him, “It was just a nightmare.”

Without warning he flung his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. You could feel how he was shaking from the pictures that had chased him in his dream. It must have been really bad.

“I lost you,” he whispered, “I lost you and there was nothing I could do.”

You heart broke a little at his confession, how much pain there was in his voice.

“But I’m here,” you told him, taking his face gently into your hands and forcing him to look at you, “I’m right here, I’m not gonna go anywhere, okay?”

Dallon was studying your face for a moment.

“Promise,” he demanded, his voice still weak.

“I promise,” you answered with a reassuring smile.

And then he crashed his lips into yours. Your heart stopped for a moment when all these little dreams and longings of the last weeks came true. You kissed back, carefully caressing his skin with your fingers, sighing quietly when you felt him smile.

This changed everything. It was not just a one sided crush, it was not your mind going crazy. Dallon liked you back, and this made your bond so much stronger. You were willing to fight for each other, willing to give your own life for the other, and it made both of you dangerous, almost invincible, to any other threat.

But only almost, as the bleeding, red wound of a jaw with several missing teeth, reminded you.

You had not even noticed the bite at first. You had been too busy smashing in another zombie’s head before it attacked Dallon. Just when both of you had stopped, standing in the middle of blood and guts of slaughtered zombies, you felt the red, warm liquid drop down your arm. You whimpered quietly, well aware what this meant. Dallon turned around to you, growing paler than freshly fallen snow. His lip quivered and you knew he was holding back tears, when he told you that everything would be fine, that he would take care of this.

Together you walked back to the hide out you had found a few weeks ago. It was safe here, a tiny cave in the middle of a hill, lots of gravel all around making it impossible for these monsters to get up here with their uncoordinated movements.

To your surprise you were calm about everything, maybe because you had been prepared to die since the day your parents had died.

Dallon sat you down, cleaning the wound and using some of the valuable painkiller cream on the wound. He was quiet, tried to keep calm in order to not make you panic.

You knew that you had to talk. There was no way in hell you would turn into one of these zombies and in the end even hurt him.

“You need to kill me,” you told him. Your voice was hard, you knew what you wanted.

“Okay.”

You were a little surprised at Dallon’s answers. Maybe you had not expected him to take your request as good as he did, but then again, he probably had thought about this situation too. What would he want if he got bitten? Probably not turn into a monster.

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” you tried to explain.

“I know,” Dallon nodded, wrapping his arms around you. “Just promise me that we use all the time we have left. Let’s not talk about what will happen tomorrow.”

“But we have to, Dallon, you will have to kill me-“

“You’ll die by yourself, remember,” his voice was quiet and you knew that if he talked any louder it would start to shake. “All I’ll do is making sure you don’t come back.”

You nodded, feeling a burning sensation in your eyes and nose, so you quickly leant forward, pressing your lips against his. The distraction worked and soon all negative thoughts were replaced with the image of the wonderful man in front of you.

You did not care about eating, or drinking or anything else. The only thing that mattered was Dallon and you. You had never taken the luxury of committing yourselves to each other as you did now. Nothing mattered than the other. Not for today, not for this last time. Every time you grew tired and the thoughts dared to take over, you started kissing again, not leaving any space for worries about the future.

These last hours of your far too short life were cold stone under your back, Dallon’s hot skin against yours, lips sealed in infinite kisses and whispered confessions of love. If you had to leave this world, this was the way you wanted to do it, safely wrapped into the arms of your lover, not having to think about the world, about what happened or about what was to come.

In the end it was you who suggested ending this outside of the cave. Your initial idea was that Dallon could keep living in this tiny cave, without having to picture you dying every single minute he was spending there. But he did not have to know that, so you told him you wanted to see the sun one last time.

The twenty-four hours were almost up when you reached the edge of a lake. The water peacefully splashed against the trees that grew at the strand and the setting sun reflected on the water like a million diamonds. Dallon pulled you in his lap, his lips wandering over your neck, kissing the love bites he had left on your skin during the last day, his breath fanning over your ears, making goosebumps rise on your arms. You reached behind you, tangling your hands in his brown hair, and turned your head for a kiss. His lips had always been a weakness of yours you realized, and softly smiled against them. The last sunbeams painted warm patterns of light against the skin of your face, while Dallon’s hands gently caressed your sides, his lips never parting from yours, no matter how hard breathing seemed.

“I love you, so so much,” you whispered, refusing to draw your mouth away from his and instead whispering it against his soft, kiss-swollen lips.

“I love you too,” Dallon answered without missing a beat, quickly occupying your mouth with his again, knowing your time was running out.

You thought dying from a zombie-virus would be painful, but it wasn’t. Your head got heavy and started spinning a little, the sensation of Dallon’s lips against yours, his hands on your sides never leaving your consciousness, and then it was over.

 When Dallon felt the body going slack, he gently set them down on the soft, earthy ground and got up. He had not even a minute before they would turn, so he quickly turned them on the side. Killing a zombie had been difficult in the beginning until someone in the group had figured out that the nerves in the spinal column had to be separated in the neck. Almost anything did the job, a heavy stone in the neck, a bullet…

But this was the person he loved so much, the person who had promised to never leave him. They had lied, he thought bitterly. Carefully he pulled out the knife from his boot. It would be one cut, a simple, short motion with the blinking steel he was holding in his hand.

He knelt down next to the person he had lost his heart to, and gently ran his finger over the vertebras in their neck. When he had found a good spot, he carefully placed the knife and took a deep breath.

“Stop!”

Dallon looked up, tears clouding his vision, as he saw several people step out of the trees around him. They were dressed weirdly, like scientists from a science-fiction movie, wearing white chemical protective suits.

“They’re gonna turn, let me do the right thing,” Dallon tried to tell them, they had to know what was going on, that if he did not do it now, his beloved (y/n) would turn into a nightmarish monster.

“Step back,” one of the weird people demanded but Dallon refused, the knife still sitting between the vertebras in their neck.

Before he could do anything else, he was pulled back, gloved hands wrapped around his arms, another pair of hands took the knife out of his hands.

Dallon was screaming, crying, kicking, trying to explain that he had promised them, that they would turn into something they never wanted to be if they did not let him do this.

Some of the people crowded around (y/n)’s body. The metal of a large syringe blinked in their hands before they drove it into the body.

~*~

White.

Beeping.

A terrible pain in your head made you open your eyes. Bright light flooded your vision, a white ceiling hovering a few meters above you. You turned your head, trying to find out where you were. You were rested on a soft pillow, white too, covered with a blanket. The room was small, next to your bed stood a machine, blinking lights and quiet beeping signaling you that it was working. Cables reached from the center of the machine to your body, disappearing under the light blue hospital gown you were wearing. And then you saw him. Sunken into himself, tightly asleep, longish, brown hair that you saw brushed and clean for the first time, Dallon sat in a chair next to your bed.

“Dallon,” your voice was hoarse and it hurt using it, but you wanted him to notice you.

You did not care what had happened, if this was heaven, hell or anything in between. You just wanted him to look at you with these beautiful, blue eyes.

His head snatched up, dark circles under his eyes, and a big smile spreading over his face when he saw you looking at him.

“You’re awake,” he cheered and with two long steps he was at your side.

He sat down on the bed next to you, his hands immediately cradling your face, his fingers brushing over the soft skin of your cheeks. He leant down and placed the softest, lightest kiss on your lips, as if he was scared to hurt you.

“What happened,” you asked.

“We’ve been saved,” he whispered, “All these days when we wondered where the government and the scientist were, why no one was saving us? They were, they were working on it and they found us just in time.”

You listened to his words, they sounded like the sweetest lies to you, but right now you did not care about truths or lies. All that mattered was that he was here, next to you, both of you alive. You pulled him in for another kiss, this one harder, more demanding, before you whispered the words you would always tell him.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” he answered immediately, making you smile.

Maybe you had been saved. After all that happened, after all the people you had lost, all the grief you had been through, all the nightmares and all the heartbreak, maybe you had been saved.

No, not maybe. You definitely had been saved.