#idk i think abt that sometimes nd i tear up yknow

[chanyoungies]

while we wait pt 2 of emotional rant with no point but like . (its a lot of talking to say nothing don’t mind me)

ok this is like . obvious and all but i really do love my friends a whole lot like . wow unbelievable ik . but like im a pretty shy nd reserved? nd quiet person so like making friends isnt the easiest thing and even when theres ppl who are like . friendly w me im usually still too scared to like actually make an effort to like talk to them or spend time with them (,,, actually even with my actual friends. but) bc like ... idk i dont like bothering people and i know i'm boring and i can't keep a conversation going and i usually don't have much to say . once again bc i'm boring . but like even when i do i tend to not want to say anything bc i dont wanna ruin the mood with like an awkward joke or smth and also . i tend to speak quietly and ppl asking me to repeat what i said is truly so embarrassing to me like ... ik it's because they genuinely didnt hear but like i. . dont wanna say whatever i said twice i alr feel self conscious nd when i repeat myself more ppl are listening nd paying more attention nd it's like suddenly there's an expectation that whatever u had to say was of value yknow . all that nd also i just . tend to think my presence doesnt rlly matter because of that because . i tend to just observe idk i don't add anything to the conversation . like .... i really enjoy just ... being there ? just being around my friends just watching them have a time? i don't really enjoy participating in games nd stuff when we hang out also so that adds to the boringness but so like . i was talking to anna (one of my uni friends tm) recently nd she mentioned that whenever we have a class that i share w them they all tend to ask themselves if ill be coming. them just greeting me with open arms when i actually do show up. when they all took the time to say bye to me before they left that one time i drank too much and was just laying on the floor in anna's bathroom. when they were simply just . okay with me not playing uno with them nd just watching them play. its just so ? when i disappear into a depression bubble for weeks nd they dont see me nd dont hear from me for all that time but then i appear from nowhere nd they dont . question it or dont act any different than they would before it's so .. comforting idk the reassurance i get from there being always at least one person to mention me in the discord or even going as far as messaging me directly on whatsapp (because they know im more likely to see their message there) when theyre making plans to make sure im included . . . like . i think it might be the first time ive had (irl) friends like that ? and that feels mean to say because i had a close friend in brussels nd shes still v important to me but it really feels like we're growing apart when we don't talk as opposed to my uni friends who just . idk . idk how to phrase whatever i wanna say. but my uni friends are so very beloved to me.

and on a note abt tumblr friends my belovedstest its. obv a bit different but like to anyone ive actually talked to in any way . thank u for bearing with me ik im awkward nd i dont have anything to say ever so sometimes i just !! reply nonsense to ur posts or send useless asks but !!! i have a v strong desire to connect with u all bc u ARE so very beloved to me i just dont know how to go about it </3 and once again ik im not the only one struggling w that so once again im far from being unique in that aspect but like .. yeah .. its like .. i wanna talk to u all i rlly do but i dont know what abt </3 so like sorry to lu for always just bringing up entxt lore nd nothing else like ever sorry to eri just like in general bc she's probably the mutual ive talked to the most off tumblr nd i ... (stares off into the distance) am pretty annoying im trying rlly hard not to be i hope the effort shows but like also thank u erieri for like ... actually messaging me first possibly every time (im saying that like its been 3836266 times . but) because like !!! i really do appreciate it so much i get v 🥺❣❣ the point is i would absolutely talk to ven nd bri nd iri nd lu nd eri nd ro nd vi 24/7 if i could . other mutuals too but i listed people who ive actually talked to a bit i just feel sorry i can't talk to them more </3