#idk i didn’t really know what i was doing w this for 90% of it

[ringneckedpheasant]

he’s as sweet as tupelo honey he’s an angel of the first degree

[melanatedeuph0ria]

the boy is mine ⋆˙⟡♡

rick grimes x black!fem! reader

since he’d arrived in alexandria, you and rick have gone from complete strangers to close friends. you’d proven to be extremely useful to his team-after all, you were a great shot and had skin tougher than steel. but now, you’ve started seeing rick in a different, more romantic light. will your newly-developed crush on the police officer be reciprocated as you’d dreamed?

summary: you and rick go on a run for supplies. some hidden feelings get uncovered along the way.

NOTE: this fic takes place in alexandria era BEFORE negan (i’m guessing like s6 bc i forgot)

a/n: MY FIRST FIC EVER AAAAA i’m hoping its ok bc i’m literally just going w the flow lmao

also sorry ts took so fucking long i still have school n stuff guys 🙏🏽😞

genre: fluff, angst, hurt, comfort idk

warnings: blood, zombies, cursing, use of n word, near-death experience

“y/n! you ready to head out?”, rick yelled as he leaned against a silver sedan parked in front of Alexandria’s gates.

after finding yourself caught in a conversation with maggie and glenn, you quickly swooped your head around to acknowledge the gruff man, your eyes widening at the sound of his southern drawl lingering on your name.

“yeah, I’m comin’!” you croaked, creasing your lips into a nervous smile. after a moment, you made your way over to his car, backpack slung over your back.

you and rick were headed to a small, nearby grocery store that an old-time alexandrian claimed was hidden away from the frequent commotion of the town. there was a 50/50 chance that it might’ve or might’ve not been looted, but you both weren’t willing to skimp out on this rare opportunity. after all, the community was running short on food and supplies-it started getting obvious that it was once people were given smaller portion sizes than normal.

and it was you who, stupidly enough, agreed to check out the area with none other than your best friend you’ve been harboring a crush on, rick grimes.

you were intrigued with the man from the moment he stepped foot into alexandria-he lowkey terrified you, him AND his group, but that only sparked your urge to get to know them a bit more. you didn’t actively seek interaction with them- it was by really by circumstance when you had the chance to kinda intermingle with them all. you forgot how you and rick even met each other, to be honest. he knew you were a good shot and had skin tough as nails, that’s for sure. you had grown into something of a maternal figure for Carl, his teenage son, although it took a while for him to finally warm up to you. you couldn’t blame him, to be honest. you knew he’d been through some rough shit-he told you about his mom and what he was forced to do to her after she’d been bitten and just delivered judith, his month-old half-sister. nonetheless, you and rick were both each other’s rocks; he cared for you unlike anyone else in alexandria, and you adored certain things about him-his deep, southern voice when he gently called your name. the traces of vanilla and bourbon cologne left on his clothes despite sweating all day-most of the time he didn’t even bother trying to put it on, but the days he did, you subconsciously noticed. him surprising you with 90’s rnb album CDs that he’d snatched on his runs- once he’d surprised you with a whole erykah badu album, and since then, you’ve kept it under lock and key inside your nightstand. his damp, ruffled hair as he stops by your house for a towel to dry it off because he never seemed to have any of his own; you let him in without much question, of course, but for the past few weeks he’s been on your porch steps, your heart’s been pumping at speeds you’ve never experienced before-at least, not in a while-a zombie apocalypse ruins one’s concept of love when the one you’re in love with can slip from your fingers in a heartbeat.

but could it be? could you really be in love with your best friend in a zombie apocalypse? you were sure of it, but horrified to know if he felt the same, which is why you didn’t even realize your leg was was anxiously bouncing up and down on the floor of the car until…

“y/n. you alright?”

“huh? oh y-yeah, i’m good. what’s wrong?”

“nothin’, you’re just..extra quiet.”

“do i need to start talkin’?” you didn’t mean for that to come off as rude as it did. you were just nervous, nervous about what he’d tell you if you told him how you truly felt.

“no, no, it’s fine. you don’t gotta say nothin’ if you don’t feel like it.”

aww shit, now i feel bad, you thought. you tried your hardest not to sink into the car seat in shame so he wouldn’t notice yet another thing off about you today. you tilted your head to the window.

“we made it.” in what seemed like a flash, you and Rick were parked outside the convenience store. did you zone out that hard? not that it mattered anymore. you climbed out of the car and you both took a closer look at the store. it was abandoned all right-at least, it could’ve just looked that way-but it still looked intact. untouched by the world. you hoped that would also apply to whatever awaited inside.

bigger than what i thought it’d be, you thought as you peered at the building.

“bigger than i thought it would be.” rick said aloud.

is this nigga reading my mind..? you thought. “let’s just hope there’s no walkers on the inside.” you said in an attempt to reassure yourself that there were no undead lurking around.

You looked back at Rick for a response or some sort of agreement, but when you did, out of the corner of your eye you saw him damn near snap his neck just to stare back at the store. he cleared his throat loudly. the gesture alone radiated an anxious energy, something you had almost never sensed in the man since knowing him. it was kinda like he was afraid of getting caught…wait…

..was rick staring at you? and how long had you gone without even noticing?

if he was staring, it certainly wasn’t for no reason. you are undoubtedly stunning, so much in fact that some people were envious of your beauty before and during the apocalypse. your rich, brown skin, glistening in the hot, june sun, and your thick, coily hair, pulled into a low puff, were just a few of your most admirable features, both inside and out.

shaking the thought off your mind, you both finally approached the building, carefully peeling open its glass doors and sliding inside. you knew the drill already, but rick felt the need to tell you again, which wasn’t to your surprise at this point. “i’ll take the left side, you take the right. we’ll use our walkies to communicate-if you’re in trouble, i’ll be right there, alright?” you nodded in compliance-you both knew you could handle yourself-but you couldn’t help but bite down a smile when he said that. his low, whispery voice was strangely reassuring, like he cared for you as a lover instead of a friend. you felt your cheeks begin to burn-it’s not really like he could tell anyway, for obvious reasons, but also because it was dark as hell in the store- you assumed the owners didn’t survive long enough to pay the electricity bill.

you were shocked to see that the aisles were just barely looted-you we’re expecting them to show signs of being scavenged at least a bit, but there they were, filled to the brim with food that would just about save Alexandria from starvation.

you clicked on your walkie and held it up to your mouth. “holy shit.” is all that could manage to come out of your mouth right now.

“looks like we hit the jackpot.” rick replied on the on the other line. he already knew what your “holy shit” meant.

with caution, you strolled down the “canned goods” aisle, looking up and down each section in awe. you came to an abrupt stop in front of one of the rows, gazing at everything in stock until your eyes settled on a can of peaches. you knew they were probably expired, you expected everything else in there to be, but you were curious to see what the expiration date read on its back, to see how long it’d been since the world went to hell. you held the can in your left hand, examining the date on its back: 10/18/09; it’d been expired a year before the apocalypse even began…

didn’t think it’d be that expired.., you murmured to yourself as you creased your lips into a disgusted frown. just as you began to set the specimen back on the shelf, a loud thud from underneath the rack sent it bouncing upwards, startling you so badly that the can slipped from your fingers and splattered onto the floor into a mushy mess. somehow, there was a walker under there, reaching its pale, maggot-infested limbs out to grasp at your leg. your eyes immediately traveled to the undead as you quickly thought of how you could quickly end its 2nd life. you frantically tugged your imprisoned foot backwards in an attempt to break free, reaching into your leather sheath and pulling out your dagger halfway, but, soon enough, you were met with an even more terrifying scenario. your back clashed violently with the rack behind you, and a walker on the other side, suddenly aroused by the sound and the smell of your human flesh, reached its spindly hand through a wide, open hole in the decaying rack. its hand curled around your throat with enough pressure to keep you pinned to the shelf while you also tried to free your leg from the walker below you.

“RICK, I NEED HELP!” you yelled out into the aisle. it was a risky move and could probably attract even more walkers than what was already threatening you, but you couldn’t get a good grip on your dagger and that was the only weapon you had. calling for backup was the only option you had left.

the oncoming presence of death pricked at prodded at your skin like thorns. the thought that-in that moment, you could be bitten, and all of your hopes and ambitions for the future could immediately be crushed-left you speechless, stricken with terror.

just as the walker grabbing at your neck prepared to take a bite out of it, rick appeared and stabbed it right in its head. just after you finally freed yourself from its grasp, the man noticed the walker on the ground and stomped on its skull, leaving a bloody, mushy mess on the floor, but you were too panicked to even notice.

an exasperated sigh escaped your mouth. “oh my God, rick, you’re a lifesaver-“

your rushed, panicky words were interrupted when he suddenly crashed his lips onto yours. your eyes immediately widened at the sensation of his coarse lips pressing onto yours, soft and plump, then slowly fluttered shut. your breathing, at first rapid and filled with anxiety, had simmered down into slow and steady breaths as his lips passionately devoured yours. almost subconsciously, he trailed his right hand, roughened with scars and calluses, on the nape of your neck, holding you closer than ever before as he rested his left hand on your hip. his ocean blue eyes drifted shut as he explored you, desperate for your touch, before he slowly pulled away from the kiss to give you some time to breathe. you fluttered your eyes back open and waited for him to look up at you.

“i’m-i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have done that, just so randomly. fuck…” rick babbled rapid apologies before a frustrated, shaky sigh escaped from his mouth. without thinking, you cupped his cheek, burning with the embarrassment of his decision, and leaned into him, rewarding him with a kiss of your own; it only seemed fair after he saved your life and your heart in only a matter of seconds. his eyes fluttered shut at your touch as your other hand tangled into his neatly combed hair. you let the feeling of your lips gently pressed together linger for a few seconds before you slowly pulled away. you felt your heart buzzing with excitement but also with relief, now that you knew that he’d been storing feelings for you this entire time. a confident grin appeared on your face as you looked up at him.

“i like you too, grimes.”

-the end. ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

[simp4bsdcharacters]

Ranpo Dating Hcs!! (SFW)

Confession!!

Do I really have to tell you that Ranpo used snacks?

Like, bro went to the store and vandalized the sweet section 😨

Atsushi and Kunikida had to pay for him and Poe and Dazai had to provide the 20$ tip Ranpo gives to the cashier every time he buys sweets (Poe could’ve payed it alone, Dazai just wanted to be useful #cutecriminal)

Ranpo promised to pay them back ( he never did so you had to do it)

he gave you 90% of them (c’mon it’s Ranpo did you expect him to give all of them to you)

Still, he came with 4 big guys bags full of sweets and a huge smirk on his face

Ranpo even put his glasses on for the occasion 😱😱

Why? Bc he had to solve the “Mystery of you stealing his heart”

When you said yes, bro was too happy for his own good <3

Ranpo was jumping up and down, hugging you, screaming

He kept repeating “really?!” until he tripped and fell due to his jumping

And that’s the confession part for you and Ranpo Edogawa!

Dates!!

*sigh* anywhere where you guys can have desserts

Ranpo pay 1/4 times

he isn’t the most romantic guy during dates… always talking like a child (what a surprise)

often just asks you about your life, and brags about how his is so cool and stuff 🙄

but it’s adorable to hear him speak, so let him be ok 😩

sometimes, Ranpo eats so much that he asks you to carry him home?!

like bitch excuse me?!

but you do it anyway, or else he’s going to give you the longest silence treatment ever known to mankind (help I think of AoT whenever I hear the word mankind 😭)

General hcs!!

Scared of the dark

very very scared

If he wakes up, you aren’t here and the lights are off, Ranpo WILL scream at the top of his lungs

”Why did you leave me?! You know I don’t like the dark!!” “Ranpo, I went to get a glass of water” “AND?!?”

Once, you left to go to work very early at like 4 AM

you didn’t tell Ranpo and oh boy was that a bad idea

Poor baby had a panic attack

he called you multiple times

” [Y/N] WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!??” “Ran’, I’m at w-“ “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME!?!”

He then started crying loudly, making you come back home and comfort him

you had found the whole house in a sorry state

Ranpo moved everything to see if you were hidden behind something, he even checked inside the fridge

Needless to say he was extremely mad at you, holding a tantrum like a kid

Anyway, let’s leave the angst aside

Ranpo loves spending time with you

your conversations are more or less one sided, it’s mostly him talking and you agreeing or not with him

First kiss with him was… sweet

im talking about the taste not the way he acted 😭

Thats all I have to say, don’t attack me 😫

I wrote sm lately idk why 🤷‍♀️

[stardustbarbarians]

Kneel Down Ye Sinners

A Samuel Kiszka / Daniel Wagner fic

Summary: Daniel has a bad round of golf... and Sam is bored.

Tags: spanking, oral, unprotected sex, literally just smut idk what else to say... so MDNI!

Words: 2.3 k

A/N: This has been written in my drafts for over a year and I just got around to polishing it up. Anyway, as usual, this is dedicated to @ofthecaravel because when is it not. (Also pspspspspsps @runwayblues) Title taken from Wild Side by Motley Crue (I swear I don't listen to them that much). Anyway, and as always, enjoy!!

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"God, that was awful!" Daniel yelled as he stormed into the house, throwing his baseball hat into the wall and kicking off his slides. They made a subdued smack as they landed onto the floor near the entrance. 

"How was golf?" Sam called out for his spot in the living room, flipping through channels mindlessly. He was bored out of his skull, having already finished all the chores he wanted to do this weekend and really not all in the mood to play any of his instruments. 

"I shot in the 90s! I haven't gotten a score like that since high school!!" The golfer raged, now pacing in front of the couch Sam was on. He had to admit, Daniel was hot when he was mad. He'd get this set in his jaw that defined it more and this look in his eyes that reminded Sam of all the times he was pinned underneath Daniel. 

Oh, thought Sam, now there’s an idea 

"Oh, baby, that's rough," Sam patronized, his voice dripping in manufactured sympathy. He threw the remote down, not needing the tv anymore. His entertainment had arrived.

Though, he felt his heart skip a beat when that rage fueled gaze was cast onto him. His skin began to prickle with goosebumps as Daniel stopped in his tracks, one of Danny's eyebrows cocking up. He felt his blood simultaneously freeze and boil beneath his skin at that look. 

"You think you can do better, Samuel?" His tone was even and dangerous, a low grumble in his chest. 

Sam had to suppress a shiver at the words. He was diving head-first into the deep end and he knew the risks. 

"No… but you should've" Sam retorted, his bratty streak always strong. He knew he was in trouble the moment Daniel crossed his arms over his chest, his muscles very visible under the pliant fabric of his golf shirt. 

"You've got quite the mouth on you. Don't you, princess?"

At the pet name, Sam visibly shivered, unable to suppress this one. That name was reserved for the moments when it was about to get nasty. And the way Daniel was glaring at Sam? It was about to get very, very nasty. 

"And what about it, big loser?" The bassist really hammered the last nail in the coffin with the smirk and raised eyebrow he sent Danny’s way. 

That's what finally set Daniel off.

His arms dropped to his sides, hands balling into fist. Sam watched it happen in rapt fascination, feeling just the tiniest twinge of fear in his heart. However, it was drowned out by the excitement flooding his veins at knowing just how much he had successfully riled up Daniel. 

"On your knees.”

Sam was not expecting that of all things for Danny to say. He felt his eyes get big as he swallowed thickly. That fear had turned into surprise, his heart fluttering inside his ribs. He knew where this was going, however he still dumbly asked: "W-what?"

"Get on your knees. Right now, princess," Daniel growled, his teeth clenched as he spoke. 

Doing as he was told, Sam slipped off the couch and stood on his knees, his eyes gazing up at Daniel. This was far from the first time Sam had viewed Daniel from this vantage point; it certainly would not be the last, either. At least, not if Sam had any say in it.

"What have I told you about that mouth of yours, princess?" Daniel approached Sam, only a few inches away from him. Danny leaned down just enough so that Sam didn’t strain his optic nerve to look at him, but Daniel still loomed above him. Sam was suddenly reminded of devotees gazing up at their gods on bended knee, feeling a sense of understanding of their blind devotion at that moment. 

"That it's only useful wrapped around your cock," Samuel answered, stealing a glance down at the other man's crotch directly in front of him. He felt a rush of saliva at the mere memory of the weight of it on his tongue, having to swallow it down so that he wouldn’t drool. 

Daniel hummed in approval, his hand coming to pet Sam's hair. Sam is only mildly ashamed to admit he leaned into it like a cat. 

"That's right, pretty boy," Danny used his other hand to unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants, leaving them on and only freeing his cock, "now put it to good use."

Knowing when to obey, Sam immediately wrapped his lips around the tip of Danny's dick. The growl that slipped past the golfer's lips made Sam's own dick twitch inside his jeans, a whimper escaping his lips.

Sam wasted no time bobbing his head up and down the length of Daniel's cock, hollowing out his cheeks and laying his tongue flat. The long, drawn out moan that escaped from the back of Danny’s throat was music to Sam’s ears. When he looked up at Danny through his lashes, he’d noticed that the drummer’s head had tipped back, his eyes pinched closed as he basked in the pleasure Sam was imparting onto him. 

It wasn't long before Daniel grabbed the top of Sam's hair and began setting his own pace, Sam gagging as the other man's cock hit the back of his throat particularly aggressively. But Sammy took it all in stride, only mildly disgusted when the extra spit that flooded his mouth began dripping down his chin. At least Danny would find it hot that Sam now looked all ruined. 

Tears fell from his eyes right before Daniel pulled Sam off of him, a string of saliva connecting them as he looked at Daniel with the most lust filled gaze. His eyes half lidded as he panted in order to catch his breath, barely able to breathe around Danny’s girth.  

"Take off your clothes, whore," Daniel commanded, his voice rough but still authoritative. He had tilted his head forward in order to look down at Sam. 

"Awww, Danny boy's a wreck 'cause of little ol' me," Sam taunted, his voice even more of a mess than Danny's. 

Daniel cocked his eyebrow once again, Sam's smirk growing at the reaction he was able to pull from Daniel. However, it quickly fell from his face at what the drummer stated next. 

"Clothes off. Get on the coffee table. On your hands and knees.”

Sam's breath caught in this throat, finding himself obeying the commands at the deep, rumbling tone Daniel employed. Once he was stark naked, Sam climbed up onto the wooden coffee table and rested on his hands and knees just as he was told. A twinge of embarrassment made his face pink, overly aware of the heavy staring from Daniel. 

"I told you to only use that pretty mouth of yours for sucking, princess. Now it's gotten you into deep trouble," Danny told Sam, his voice deep and guttural. 

Sam looked over his shoulder to see Daniel sliding his belt out of his pant loops, gathering the white leather in his hand; the appendage bulging with veins underneath tanned, practiced, and calloused skin. 

The bassist involuntarily whined as he put together what was about to happen. Yeah, he was in deep trouble. Like, the deepest fucking layer of trouble he could possibly be in- well… maybe not. There was one time that Sam had continued to mouth off even after this stage and… well… Sam was pretty sure they’d have to move this little shindig to their bedroom to get the rope if he pushed his luck any further. 

Sam gripped the edge of the table in his hands as a sharp snap of leather came down onto his ass, a yelp leaving his throat. He didn’t hurt. Far from it, in fact. The noise was one of surprise, more than anything else. 

He felt a warm, calloused hand smooth over the spot that was just struck before it remained planted on the opposite cheek. Another blow came, the sound just as loud as the belt made contact with Sam's skin. This time, however, instead of a yelp in surprise Sam let out a needy whine as the pleasure overruled the pain. 

Daniel kept going, raining down blow after blow. His fingers dug into the skin of Sam's ass as his moans became needier and needier. Samuel was certain his ass was becoming bright red. But he wanted Danny to keep going, to allow the belt and his digging fingers to leave bruises that would stain the skin there for days; to serve as a reminder for who he belonged to and who belonged to him.

With another snap of the belt, Sam became a waterfall of incoherent pleas. "Oh, please, please, PLEASE, Daniel! I need more fuck- FUCK! I need more,  you don't understand how much I need- oh my god please FUCK!"

A pleased hum sounded from the drummer. "Look who finally learned how to run their mouth properly.” 

Without any warning, Daniel flipped Sam so his back was pressed against the coffee table. Sam's brow was knit as he pleaded up at Daniel, his lips pouting slightly. 

"God, fuck! You don't know how easy you are to fucking need with a face like that!" Daniel lost his composure momentarily after gazing upon the visage of Samuel fully exposed and begging him for anything Danny was willing to give him. It was enough to break any man, even one perceived as a god. 

Throwing the belt to the side with a loud clatter, Daniel pressed his lips into Sam's; sudden and aggressively. Sammy's hands immediately grabbed at Danny's shirt, trying his best to rip it off. He was eventually successful as the fabric tore underneath his hands with a clamorous noise. Daniel was surprised, to say the least; marveling at what Sam had just accomplished. 

"You're gonna pay for that, princess." And just like that, Daniel was back. Though, there was no missing the awe hidden just beneath that authoritative growl. 

"Hurry up and give me my punishment, Danny. I've been waiting for it this whole damn time,” Sam impatiently demanded, also falling back into his role within the blink of an eye. He wouldn't be tamed so easily. It was more fun for both of them that way. 

Opening the drawer next to Sam’s head and popping open the bottle of lube with his thumb, Daniel glared down at Sam. "Watch your fucking mouth."

Before Sam could even say anything, Daniel was plunging his  lube covered fingers into him. With an unfettered scream, Sam's eyes rolled into the back of his head as his back arched up off the table. Danny played Sam like a violin, using his fingers to cause Sam to make all the noises he wanted him to. 

Just as quickly as they had been shoved into Sam, Daniel pulled them out much to the bassist's dissatisfaction. He made his disapproval known, huffing out loudly. "That wasn't even close to being enough."

Kicking his boxers off, Danny's hand came down hard onto the side of Sam's right thigh.

"I think your next lesson will be one of patience, princess," Daniel threatened before squirting lube onto both of his hands before tossing the bottle back into the drawer. 

Using his left hand, Daniel stroked his own cock. His right hand came to wrap around Sam's aching dick, a pathetic wail ripping out of his throat at the contact. He'd never been so thankful over the fact that Daniel was ambidextrous in his entire life. Truly, he’d have to write him a card or something for him when this was all said and done. 

Daniel's hand never left Sam's dick as he plunged his cock into Sam, all eight, well endowed inches into Sam. All of the other noises Sammy had made up to this point had been absolutely nothing compared to the toe-curling scream he let out as

Daniel pushed himself in. Sam's vision was beginning to white out in pure pleasure, his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

His hands gripped the sides of the table for dear life as his back arched, his toes curling involuntarily as the feeling of Danny throbbing inside of him. It was driving him insane, the feeling of it being too much, yet not enough all at once. 

It wasn't until Daniel started thrusting that Sam really lost control of himself. He became a mess of pleading and screaming out Daniel's name like a satanic and perverted prayer. 

"Daddy please - fuck, please!!"

Sam cried out after Danny managed to nail his prostate, his vision fully whiting out.

Daniel, knowing exactly what he had just accomplished, shifted his thrusting to focus all his attention there. Samuel's brain short circuited, his mouth permanently hanging open as he remained silent, all brain function stopping. 

Sam gave no warning before cum began spurting out of his cock, a final pathetic cry ripping out of him as he painted himself in white. It was a surprise to even Sam. But, hitting your g-spot over and over to the point of abusing it would surprise anyone, he guessed. 

Daniel was soon to follow, pulling out and pumping his cock before he also covered Sam's chest in cum. They were both out of breath, sweat covering every inch of their skin. Danny had bent over at the waist, his arms catching his fall and planting on either side of Sam’s head. Looming above Sam once more, the bassist had never felt more comfortable in his life. He’d happily perish in this spot if it meant he got to spend his final heartbeats  between Daniel’s arms. 

"You should play bad rounds of golf more often," Sam finally posited, a stupid smile on his face as he gazed up at Daniel. 

The drummer laughed, caught by surprise. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, princess?"

Samuel gulped at the pet name usage. However, that previous edge had vanished from his voice. 

Impossibly, he felt his dick twitch at the combination of seeing Daniel covered in sweat and cum while panting heavily. And when he looked back into those hazel brown and green eyes and saw nothing but amusement, adoration, and satisfaction, Sam knew that it was, in fact, he was where he belonged. 

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Tag List:

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[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i really don’t feel like a teenager ever

like i feel more like a 50 year old woman than a 16 year old girl. i don’t really talk w my friends abt anything but schoolwork mostly cause that’s the only thing my one school friend talks abt besides her bf and one hobby. i don’t talk abt current shows i gossip some but i find myself not really talking to ppl at all, i don’t go to the movies, i usually only go to the mall alone, when i go over to my bfs house sure we do teen stuff like kiss and cuddle but we don’t talk much mostly just touch, idk i just feel like i wasted all my youth and i feel like an old woman now like my life has been so much longer than it has been. i worry abt all kinds of adult things and i’ve never even really felt like a kid when i was a kid. idk i just see ppl my age having so much fun w their friends and such going places doing things and i just do most things by myself and my life mostly revolves around school rather than the few friends i have. i just feel kinda lonely but not really in a way that more friends would fix it i don’t want a huge friend group. what i miss was the feeling of friendship i had w my middle/elementary school friends it was mostly just the 4 of us and i’ve never had a connection like that since it’s just got me feeling weird abt myself. idk idek if this makes any sense to y’all. i made this acc and started blogging in it the summer before high school cause i felt lonely i lost 3 of my bestest friends and didn’t know what to do and here i am feeling such a similar way and i have been for awhile idk i feeel like isolating myself but i still crave that feeling of not being lonely. idk i’m hoping i can find that in college but i fear i’ll be too old to do all the fun high school things. everyone’s always busy and no one really texts or calls me anymore just my bf and we mostly text and then i ask if he can call. i just feel a bit casted to the side in ppls lives. y’all are really my new best friends cause i just tell y’all everything since i have no one else to tell no one else cares to know. i used to be so happy and idk what happened. i feel like i’m too young to be this sad and depressed these r supposed to be the best years of my life but i’m just angry sad and depressed 90% of the time. snapping at ppl and wanting to run away and go missing or smthn. just to see who comes out of the woodwork (if anyone) to help. i don’t feel like myself anymore i can’t even draw well anymore. like someone took my brain out and replaced it w a diff one. a worse one. i miss that excitement i had the fun other ppl seem to have all the time going out on weekends, going to games w friends, hanging out gossiping and chatting reading magazines. i feel stuck in this limbo of angst and sadness. there must be something wrong w me (more than there already is). i know i had to grow up fast cause of my parents who cause they were always working and my ma in chronic pain couldn’t take care of the house so i’d always spend all of my time cleaning and doing their work for them. i went away for 2 days once when i was like 10 and i came home and rhe house looked like a tornado went thru a frat house. i walking the door there were pizza boxes on the table cans a bottles on the floor garbage everywhere. idk i just feel like i’m too young to already be so tired w life.

[mattsdae]

help wanted pt 3

read part 1 and part 2 and part 4

content warnings: joe young x masc reader , hurt/comfort , joe’s congregation finds out about his little side gig , lots of fluff , reader actually being nice to joe , but also gets called out , makeout session lol , cumming in pants , situational humiliation but /neg , joe has a weird surge of dominance

word count: ~4.1 k

synopsis: joe gets bad news and goes to reader for comfort

a/n: this is set some time in the late 90’s/early 00’s. once again, i never watched the movie so idk when it actually takes place but i get the vibe.

“joe said he can’t come in, so i guess the whole shoot is cancelled.” dave’s voice crackled over the phone line as you huffed. it was 8 am, only a couple of hours before you were supposed to head in to film. you thought for a moment, still trying to wake up. he was clearly upset, probably being told they wouldn’t be paid if nothing was released. it was a common threat, but it never got to that point before.

“do you know why he cancelled? that doesn’t seem like him.” everyone on the shoot knew how reliable he was. he’s never called out on a shoot before or showed up late. even though he was only a pornstar, he still had a solid work ethic. you and everyone else on the team trusted him more than any other pornstar in the past.

“he said there was some personal shit he had to deal with. he sounded real upset, so i just let him go handle it.” you nod.

“okay. i guess just let me know when our next shoot is. i’ll try to check up on him later, just to make sure he’s okay.” dave laughs.

“if y’all are queers, just say it.” you scoff.

“dude, chill. you know joe’s mormon, he’d probably have a heart attack if he knew what we were doing was gay.”

“he doesn’t know already? didn’t he cum on you?” you flushed.

“look, just let me handle it? okay? he’s really sensitive and i don’t need you running around talking about how much of a fag he is.” you rubbed your temple, frustration clear in your voice.

“i’m not calling him a fag, i’m calling him a queer. there’s a big difference.” you rolled your eyes and laid back down in your bed.

“i’m going back to sleep. call me if you need me,” you said and hung up. just as you were curling back up in your sheets, you phone rang again. without looking at the caller id, you answered with a groan. “what?”

you heard crying along with what you assumed were words. you looked at the number and recognized joe’s. he kept crying while trying to blubber out explainations.

“hold on, joe. calm down. take a deep breath,” you tried to comfort but he kept crying. he kept babbling, too upset to form proper words. you quietly hushed him, a small shh until he stopped talking. “take a deep breath. try to follow me.”

you took a breath, counting to four as you breathed in, held it and breathed out. even though he gasped and sobbed throughout, he was at least trying to listen. you repeated until his breaths were relatively even.

“are you okay? can you try to talk slow for me?” you asked but he almost instantly started sobbing again.

“they- they know! they saw my videos and, and they kicked me out!” he wailed.

“who? what did they kick you out of?”

“my church!” he let out a long cry, sniffling and gasping as he did so. you didn’t know how to respond. you weren’t exactly expecting a phone call from joe at 8 am about being ex-communicated from mormonism. you swallowed.

“shh, shh.. it’s okay. just breathe, that’s all you gotta do. just breathe..” he still cried, but was no longer wailing. “good, in and out. everything’s gonna be okay, joey. just breathe.”

“i’m sorry, i know you sleep in but- but i don’t have anyone else..” your heart ached as he said it.

“it’s okay, baby. where are you? you’re safe, right?” he sniffles.

“i’m in my car.. i had to pull over ‘cause i couldn’t see too well.” you cooed.

“i’m so sorry, sweetheart. is everything okay?” he hums.

“as good as i can be. i’m sorry, y/n. i shouldn’t have bothered you..”

“don’t apologize. what do you need?” he whimpered.

“can i come over? i-it’s fine if i can’t,” he started to ramble. he tried to cover up the fact that he needed you, making sure that you knew he didn’t need to come over, but the truth was obvious.

“yeah, you can come over.”

joe was knocking on your door within 15 minutes, which interrupted your frenzied cleaning as you picked up whatever trash you had laying around. it wasn’t perfect, but definitely presentable. you opened the door.

“hey-“ he cut you off, pulling you into a tight hug. he squeezed, arms wrapped around your waist and forcing your hands in the air as you avoided them getting pinned to your sides. it almost hurt how tight he held you, his strength hidden well by the costumes and the uniform he always wore.

“i’m sorry,” he mumbled. his face was buried in your chest, unable to bring himself to move away. slowly, your arms wrapped around him as well, a hand finding it’s way to the back of his neck, fingers becoming intertwined in his hair.

“you don’t need to apologize.” he nods. you toy with his hair, waiting for him to make the decision to pull away. after a while, it felt like he never would, too enamored by your embrace. “do you want to tell me what happened?”

“they.. they found out about my job.” he sniffled. you sighed. for some reason, you never really questioned how he did porn as a career. you knew he was religious and most likely used different stunt devices to avoid showing himself off, but you forgot to question how he went to church the next day, knowing he was going against one of the biggest laws of his religion.

“oh, baby..” you held him closer as you heard him sob, parts of your shirt starting to feel wet against your chest. his grip tightened. his hands gripped onto your shirt, forming fists as he cried. you looked up, blinking away tears of your own. you weren’t a cryer, but hearing him made it difficult not to. “let’s sit down, okay? i’ll put something on, how does that sound?”

he nods, slowly letting you go. you led him, hand on his back, towards the couch. he sat and looked up at you with big, teary eyes. you pouted, holding his cheek for a moment and wiping the excess off. he shut his eyes, leaning into the touch. he really is gorgeous, even with flushed cheeks and red eyes. you understood why he held you for so long, now wanting to stay in this position forever, just as he did.

“what do you want to watch?” you pulled your hand away, sitting next to him. he looked down.

“i never really watched tv before.” you looked at him, trying to read his face and see if he was joking.

“you’ve never watched tv?”

“i have! but not that often. i used to watch service on the tv when i was sick and i couldn’t go in. that counts, right?” your jaw dropped, a grin spreading as you quickly flipped through channels.

“dude, you really never watched cable? that’s fuckin’ crazy!” you laugh. he shrinked a little in his seat, taking your attention away from the tv guide. “it’s fine, man. i’m messing with you. i’m about to show you some of my favorite shows, if i can find them.”

you wrapped your arm around him, ruffling his hair with a smile until he returned it. you pulled away again. you glanced over at him, seeing how politely he sat. his back was straight and hands were placed directly over his legs.

“dude, relax. kick your feet up or something.” he watched as you rested your feet on the coffee table. he looked shocked.

“on the furniture?” you nod. he leans down, taking off his shoes and placing them underneath the table neatly before awkwardly kicking his feet up. you wiggled, digging yourself deeper into the couch.

“just lean back and relax. do you want something to eat?“ he shook his head, trying to copy your movement and get more comfortable. “i can’t find anything good. it’s too early for all the actually entertaining shit..”

“oh, what about tom and jerry! i’ve watched that before!” he pointed at the tv. you almost shot down the idea, before deciding against it. he was already upset enough, why not let him watch whatever he wanted?

“uhh, sure.” you clicked on it. he pulled his feet away from the table, instead pulling his knees to his chest and watching the screen with his head resting on top of them. he smiled as it instantly opened to tom chasing jerry down the hallway before getting hit by a frying pan. he giggled.

“why are you staring at me?” he looked over. you didn’t even realize you were staring until he said it. he was still smiling at you. your face reddened.

“oh, i was just making sure you’re.. okay.” you excused, leaning back and focusing on the tv. he nodded. you stretched your arms across the top of the couch, now feeling anxious about having him in your house. you almost felt paranoid about leaving something out. you didn’t clean out the fridge, so that probably looks bad. you also forgot to put your laundry in the hamper. actually, you forgot to do a lot of stuff. you should have cleaned the bathroom at least, maybe even mop-

“do you have any movie recommendations?” he pulled you out of your racing thoughts. his arms wrapped around his knees, bottom half of his face covered by his bicep. “i never watched any movies before. maybe i should start now since i’m not.. mormon anymore.”

“uhh, yeah, man. i have some tapes we can watch. or we can go by blockbuster and you can pick some stuff out. my treat,” you smiled. his eyes lit up.

“really?! i always wanted to go there!” within 10 minutes, you were driving him to the nearest blockbuster in the same attire you slept in, only with socks and slides added to your outfit. he was buzzing, a big smile on his face as you parked. “have you been here before?”

“yeah, dude. i used to work here, actually.” he smiled even harder.

“really? i used to always wonder what it was like to work outside of the church.” he mumbled as you both stepped out of the car. you stuck your hands in your hoodie pockets, glancing over at joe as he basically skipped to the door. you smiled.

he was cute, you admit. he was sweet and so innocent you could barely wrap your head around it. the idea of someone like that actually existing made you hurt, especially since he trusted you of all people. you sighed as you opened the door.

“aw shit, get out! get out!” the manager yelled. joe paused, staring in genuine fear as you laughed. you patted his back.

“he’s fucking with us, dude. that’s anthony.” you pointed towards him as he held out his hand to shake joe’s. he awkwardly held his out as well before anthony took the initiative to grab it and shake.

“anthony. what’s your name?” he asked before glancing down and noticing his name tag. elder young. “damn it, y/n. you dragged a mormon in here?”

joe quickly unclipped his nametag and stuffed it in his pocket.

“ex mormon. now that he’s ex-communicated, we thought to do some things he wasn’t allowed to do.”

“oh, i’m sorry about that, man.” joe nodded, still looking away. “we have most of the classics in stock, short of pulp fiction. some guy came in here with his girl talking about how it’s the greatest piece of fiction ever created.”

“what a douche,” you laughed. joe glanced at you and you tilted your head towards the shelves. “go look around. just grab whatever you think looks cool while i catch up.”

he nods, disappearing behind a random shelf that he clearly wouldn’t be interested in. you watched as his eyes darted around the store, trying to find a genre that caught his eye. he was clearly overwhelmed by the volume of movies.

“how’s that.. ‘filming gig’ going?” anthony spoke up, using air quotes as he scanned returns and put them in a box. you shrugged.

“it’s going pretty okay. that’s actually how i met him.” you nodded towards joe as he grabbed ring and jumped when he turned the boxset and saw the girl crawling out of the well. you chuckled. “i’m making good enough money to get by. i was supposed to be filming today but something came up.”

“oh yeah? so you decided to go out on a little date with an ex mormon.” he emphasized the ‘ex’ like you did before. you rolled your eyes.

“it’s not a date, dumbass. we’re just friends.” this time, he rolled his eyes.

“i’m the dumbass? you’re the one walking in here with heart eyes for the dude. plus, you met on a porn set.” he whispered the last part. he glanced at joe, who wondered his way to the 18+ section before quickly departing. “was he an actor or did he pull up on set trying to sell the whole jesus thing to you.”

“shut up. look, i just helped him out with figuring out what certain words mean.“

“did you demonstrate or-“

“fuck off.” you turned away as he laughed. he put the final tape down and leaned forward on the counter.

“he seems like a sweet kid. you aren’t.. taking advantage of him, are you?” you turned to him, shocked by his bluntness. “i just wanna make sure. i know you aren’t a bad guy, but i gotta look out for people. if i thought someone was taking advantage of you, i’d say something.”

“i’m not taking advantage of shit. he asked for help, he gave him help, end of story.” you sat by the counter for another couple of seconds, waiting for his comeback.

“i’m guessing he was ex-communicated because he’s gay?” you tensed up a bit, looking away.

“no. he doesn’t know that..” anthony furrowed his eyebrows, looking you up and down.

“you had sex, how doesn’t he-“ you shushed him.

“we didn’t have sex. i just.. told him i was just helping him out. i don’t want him to freak out about being gay. he already called me crying over being kicked out of his church, i don’t need to make him more upset.”

“so you’re lying to him?” you paused.

“what?”

“you’re lying to him so he doesn’t know that what your doing is gay.”

“i’m not.. i didn’t lie. i’m just protecting him.” anthony held up his hands, turning away.

“whatever you say, man. he’s gonna figure it out at some point, though.” you scoffed.

“whatever.” you went towards where he was, seeing he was stood in front of the kids movies. he already had a couple in his arms, including the lion king, a tom and jerry movie you didn’t know existed, and mighty joe young. “you picked that because it has your name, right?”

“what?” you pointed at the vhs and he blushed. “oh, um. y-yeah.”

“that’s cute.” you didn’t even realize you said it out loud until anthony laughed in the back. you poked your head from between the shelves and glared. he mouthed ‘just friends’ as you went back to joe.

an hour later, you were sat on your couch with joe watching titanic. turns out, he never heard of the titanic so after a brief history lesson, you started the movie. joe watched intently while you mostly spaced out. you’ve seen the movie a couple of times, but never found it super interesting. he liked the cover, though, so you rented it.

“we should do that.” he pointed at the screen, pulling you out of whatever thought you were having. you looked. jack and rose kissing at the front of the boat. you turned a little red, trying to figure out if he was joking. obviously, he wasn’t.

“what? they’re just kissing.” you shrugged off the comment as if you weren’t flushed. he pouted.

“i’ve never kissed anyone before. is it nice?” he looked at you, genuinely curious. you nodded.

“yeah, kinda. if you like the person, it’s nice.”

“why would you kiss someone you don’t like?” he questioned. you flushed, looking away and watching the screen.

“i mean, i don’t like every girl i sleep with. it’s weird to kiss someone during a one night stand anyways; it’s too intimate. i mean, i don’t even like kissing that much.” now, he flushed.

“why would you.. sleep with someone if you don’t want to be intimate?” you shrugged again, starting to feel defensive.

“sometimes you’re just horny and you have to go out and find someone to sleep with. it’s common.” he stopped asking questions after that, most likely realizing that you didn’t have good answers anyways.

it was quiet for the rest of the movie, leaving you to marinate in your embarassment. he didn’t mean to, but he made you feel horrible. maybe it was a mix of what anthony said earlier along with his questioning that made you feel this sleazy.

the movie ended and you went to rewind the tape before putting it back in the case. he didn’t say anything, not even about the movie. as you clicked the case shut, you looked at him.

“do you really want to practice kissing with me?” you tilted your head. he thought for a moment before responding.

“do you want to?” you did, but him making you admit it made you feel even worse. holding back your ego, you nodded before sitting next to him again.

you felt your heart race as he shuffled a little closer. you patted your lap, inviting him to sit. he adjusted, lifting his leg to go over your lap and straddle you. he planted himself, now closer to you than ever, his nose just an inch from yours. you could feel him, the heat from his body radiating onto you as your heart beat quicker. you could smell him, too. a fresh scent that you weren’t familiar with. it was intoxicating. his eyes flicked between your features, focusing on your lips. he swallowed.

“what should i do?” he asked, voice cracking as it broke the threshold of being a whisper. his hands landed on your chest, kneading your shirt nervously. you wondered if he could feel your heart racing. you held his waist, glancing down at his lips as he chewed on it.

“kiss me.” and that he did. he closed the gap between you two, lips pressed against eachother, just as you started to kiss back, he pulled away with a quiet smack, only giving you a small peck. you chuckled, hand leaving his waist and to the back of his head, fingers pulling at his hair. “come on, baby. you can do more than that..”

he nods, closing the gap again. he was still gentle, nervous to do something wrong, but with you now guiding him, he felt more confident. you bit on his lip, making him moan against you. you could never get enough of his noises, instantly trying to find ways to hear more. he squirmed, hips moving in circles subconsciously. you joined him, moaning as he grinded against you.

he sucked your bottom lip in, hands moving from your chest to your face. he cupped your cheeks, holding you still as you licked. his mouth opened as he let go and you took the opportunity, tongue meeting his. he moaned again, hips bucking against yours. your right hand gripped his hips, guiding them back and forth while you played with his hair. both of you echoed eachothers noises, muffled by your lips. you pulled away.

“you’re good at this..” you huffed, weirdly out of breath for something as simple as making out. you looked at his lips, shimmering. when you looked back up into his eyes, you found he was watching you intently, pupils blown. you smiled.

“you like it?” he asked. you chuckled. you did like it and he should be able to feel how much you like it just as you felt him. either way, you nod, pulling him closer again. his eyes fluttered shut, lips just barely grazing eachother.

“i love it, sweetheart.” you couldn’t get enough. his hips rolled against yours and his hand moved back to your hair. you were throbbing in your pants, but you couldn’t imagine pulling away. his slacks were almost rough against your sweatpants, fabric constricting his thighs. you quickly unbuckled his belt. he pulled your hair, making you gasp.

“i just wanna kiss. is that okay?” your eyebrows furrowed, mouth hung open as you nodded. he kissed again, picking up exactly where you left off. your groin felt warm as you witnessed dominance in him. you would have felt proud if it weren’t trumped by pleasure. he toyed with your hair, making you whimper.

never in your entire life have you been this turned on by making out. it almost felt like a chore to you most of the time, but now you couldn’t get enough. you could feel him, through his uniform, the nametag in his pocket prodding. the feeling heated you. knowing he was ex-communicated, that he’s all yours, only made you want more. you needed to teach him everything. you needed him to know how to please you and only you. he let go of your hair and you grabbed his wrist.

“fuck, keep pulling it..” you whined. he nods, yanking it. you whimper, gripping his hip harder as he did it. you looked at him, seeing a look on his face you could only describe as corrupted. he wanted more, just like you did. he wanted to hear you and feel you, desperate for it. his eyes were darker than you’ve seen them, glancing over you as he thought of what to do next.

the gap closed. your hands ran up and down his body, sliding over the button up. you untucked it, fingers running over his bare skin now. he moaned, squeezing his fist and pulling again to hear you respond. you did, squeezing his side. his skin was soft, almost silky. you pawed and caressed him as he grinded down on you. it was addicting. the push and pull, constantly grasping at eachother for more.

his free hand retreated from your face, running down your chest. you groan as he begins palming you, experimenting with his touches as you writhed under him. it was overwhelming. you needed more but you couldn’t handle it. everything was warm and he was moaning against you. his fingers tugged at your hair with just the right pressure. you fucking loved it. you loved him.

you trembled, moaning into his mouth as he did the same. you throbbed, cumming in your pants. he kept moving, hips stuttering as he came at the same time. you both sounded pathetic, high pitched whines and moans as he grinded down. his thighs trembled, your hips bucking up into him.

he pulled away, panting. you buried your face in his neck, still rutting into him as you finished. your arms wrapped around him and you pulled him close, basking in his warmth. it took a while before the wetness in your underwear made itself more apparent and you realized what happened.

“shit, shit.. it’s okay.” you quickly adjusted him until he got off. he watched as you looked around, trying to find something to wipe off with. “fuck, it’s fine. let’s just.. let’s get cleaned up.”

“what’s wrong?” he asked as you rushed to your room. you grabbed a rag from the bathroom, wetting it, before you grabbed whatever underwear and pants were clean. “y/n, what’s wrong?”

“don’t be embarassed, baby.” you comforted, ignoring the fact that he wasn’t even embarassed. you kept mumbling comforting phrases as you cleaned him and yourself up. you dressed him, putting him in a pair of your underwear and pants.

“thank you.” he said slowly as you dressed yourself. you didn’t respond, instead grabbing up all the dirty clothes and throwing it in the wash, desperate to get rid of any evidence that anything happened.

don’t get it twisted, you weren’t embarrassed about making out, at least not that much, but you were utterly humiliated by cumming in your pants. you never thought it would happen. you almost struggled to cum when you were with girls, why would you cum prematurely with a guy?

you found your way back to the couch, sitting on the opposite end as you realized he put another movie in. this time, it was the lion king. you didn’t really watch, though. instead, you stared straight forward in shock. he turned to you.

“is everything okay?” you nod. he scoots a little closer, reaching his hand out and touching your thigh. you looked away, hiding your face in your palm. “i don’t know why you would be, but don’t be embarassed. i’m sure everyone’s done it before. i did it, too!”

you wanted to cry. he tried to comfort you the same way you did for him. his voice was so gentle, it hurt. you loved him. even though you tried to convince yourself you were confused and horny, it settled in. he was perfect and you loved him. he patted your leg and pulled away, settling on the opposite end as scar was introduced.

[crystalgastles]

ur hc’s are amazing, idk if it was stated but sorry nevertheless that had no idea u weren’t comfy w nsfw!!!!! anyways, #needbenhc’s the way u write is so good I love it💗

You’re totally ok! It’s just that I’m not very good at writing that kind of stuff and when I’m writing my characters I don’t really think too heavily on what they’d be interested in since I’m basically overhauling their entire character so I stick to just their characters in general. Anyway ben is one of my favorites as I’ve always been into old video games and such I’ll put my general headcannons about the human version of ben and the ghost/technology version I have I’ll get more into his personality in another post. TW for mentions of drowning cause duh

My ben drowned

Benjamin Caddel, known as Benji or just Ben to his classmates

College junior with a major in computer science and an interest in old 90s video games. Specifically reworking them.

Doom, resident evil, Mario, sonic, quake and his personal favorite, Majoras mask.

He was very social within his group of friends. College parties and outings were common on the weekends for him.

He would place ai helpers in his reworks to catch bugs so he could go in and fix them all. He named B.E.N mostly after himself but it stands for behavioral e-repair network. (He couldn’t find a word that meant repair that started with e)

Comedic genius, he’s more funny in real life than he is over the internet which is a shame just because his timing is impeccable

B.E.N. Started to go haywire at some point, saying there were bugs where there weren’t and replacing textures in games. It was learning things that Ben hadn’t programmed into it.

Every time he tried to play it was like the controller wasn’t his, the character would run around in circles and into enemies, his doom wads would have areas that could not be there. Stairs he could walk up and places in maps that did not exist before. (doom’s layout is strictly one level, you can’t go up stairs or jump just because of how it’s programmed)

The worst off all of these was majoras mask. It was almost unplayable because of how many glitches and inconsistencies there were within the game.

He tried to reprogram it. He tried to delete it but it was always there. No matter how many times he clicked on the trash can button.

Zelda only got worse, the screen just flashing blue green as link ran into the water and drowned over and over again the ending screen wasn’t even the ending screen anymore it was just a collection of glitches and letters. Letters that spelled out

H . A . T. E.

Hate? He didn’t know if that was just a coincidence or not but it freaked him out just enough to stop trying to play anything on that PC.

His laptop started doing it too. Every time he tried to study or write an essay the screen would freeze up. Typing out random letters and words that made absolutely no sense. He eventually just started using the book’s available to him in the library because no matter how many times he tore the inner workings of it apart it would do the same thing. Over and over again.

Hate, that word followed him everywhere. Technology was everywhere and this thing that he created taunted him every chance it got. It was getting smarter. It knew his deepest insecurities and secrets. Medical records and private files, text messages between his friends, everything.

He had enough he was dropping that Pc and that laptop and that phone off a bridge and into the sea in the middle of winter.

The outside was cold, the icy breeze tugged on his skin while he lugged this heavy cart full of electronics over to the bridge that overlooked the bay. The icy waters below making the hairs on his arms stand up as he picked up the mess of wires and screen.

He didn’t know he didn’t know he’d have to climb up the fence and put his body halfway off of the railing to even be able to throw the computers off of the bridge, and he didn’t know how exactly many wires had entangled themselves on his arms and he didn’t know that he would also fall off of the bridge with his creation

The water was too cold, if the shock from the ice cold bay wasn’t enough to kill him, the computer sinking to the bottom with his arms essentially tied to it would.

His body stays there but his mind, his soul is somehow tied to B.E.N. It wasn’t the technology but something that presented itself as such. He wasn’t that smart. Not smart enough to create something that taught itself.

[coryosbaby]

ok i’m just gonna say you can completely ignore this i just needed somewhere to get my thoughts out. also idk if you’ve actually seen tbosas or just write for the characters rn but if you haven’t seen it then don’t read this lol. so first of all im now gonna go through and read ALL of the coryo stuff i didn’t before bc i hadn’t seen the movie and i felt weird but i’ve seen it now so yeah. but wowwww. the movie was actually so amazing idk how you felt abt it but im still in shock and it ended like half an hour ago, it was incredible. the way coryo’s character and moral judgement shifts throughout and its shown by his hair too which i think is amazing. i could go onnnn abt the easter eggs and links to the other movies but i wont, instead ill just say my jaw DROPPED when he killed high bottom at the end and with RAT POISONING??? im losing my mind rn but all my friends are asleep and i just needed somewhere to get it out 😭😭

NO BC THIS IS SO REAL . I’m ranting about this, spoilers ahead for the movie & book btw 💔

I hadn’t read the book when I watched tbosas but I saw a few snippets and saw how Coryo was thinking the whole time, but when I was watching it I was like ??? Ain’t no way they must’ve changed his character but NO bro like he’s a whole manipulator 😭 and the way the end of the movie shifts into his pov and shows his true paranoia/pov. So we’ll never rly know what Lucy Gray actually thought (though she prob did wanna get tf outta there n I don’t blame her)

and I js wanna say rn. I see a lot of Sejanus in Johanna. Like katniss too, obviously, but Johanna is definitely another form of his rage.

Like don’t even get me STARTED on Sejanus, there was sm going on in his and Coryo’s friendship or wtv tf that was. Like in the books Coryo is INSANELY jealous of Sejanus ?? But the way they were friends since they were KIDS bro 😭😭 and coryo js thought they’d send him home bc he’s capital. like I can’t. It’s literally so sad. Tbh, in the movies it seems like Coryo sees more of Sejanus in the whole rebellion in the later hunger games than Lucy. Cs Lucy was never a rebel rly? And he only rly cried & felt remorse during Sejanus’ death?? Like it’s HIM that really haunts him, on top of Lucy’s songs. But I think she enrages him while Sej makes him feel guilty

Also the way they make fun of Sejanus for calling his mother “ma” and it’s the last thing he says :(( and he realizes that Coryo betrayed him right before that .

THE WAY THAT CORYO LITERALLY TAKES OVER SEJANUS’ PLACE IN HIS FAMILY. LIKE MOVES IN W HIS FAMILY, CALLS HIS MOTHER “MA”. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ILL NEVER GET OVER THAT

OMFG. And the way Coryo’s dad died in the woods by a rebel. And then he kills Lucy in the woods 😨😨 the way that once u think about it he def knew what he was doing the whole time, like he probably planned 90% of that out beside a little bit of stuff.

And how Dean highbottom, esp in the books, didn’t even WANT the hunger games to be a thing. Like you think ur gonna hate him bc he’s the creator of the hunger games before watching but dr Gaul is actually the worst one 😭

Also the way Coryo’s roses change ? Like he uses red ones when he’s young, but later when he’s old he uses white ones— and to me this seems like symbolism for him “cleansing” himself of Lucy gray (while also keeping roses bc they reminded him of his mother).

[the-paris-of-people]

not to be mean but kinda cuz why are d4xtons so delusional? and i love paxton but devi and paxton would never be the type to wait for each other or keep up with a distance relationship. paxton wasn’t willing to do that on s2 (ben was btw). they are not even close enough friends to keep up with one another in the same place. with ben that’s believable cuz they have a foundation that has never been shown w paxton. ben and devi can be close friends while in other relationships. ben and devi only talk when they are together because outside of that there’s not common ground. devi not knowing paxton was going to work at school as a coach just meant they didn’t communicate at all the whole summer break. she wouldn’t care abt paxton if he wasn’t back in school. he is meant to be just her high school dream and i think this will be touched upon on season 4.

and now they’re saying ben and devi being all about sex now but that’s been d4xton’s whole foundation since the show started? devi went after paxton because he was hot and wanted to have sex w him. it remained the same until season 2. on season 3 devi realized she wasn’t ready. and wouldn’t be fair for both devi and paxton to be with people that are in the same life stages as them? growing up with them?

the way some dxtons are acting because devi didn’t own her first time to paxton so idk why they are self inserting on devi. she was not comfortable having sex w paxton but did when ben. that’s her choice.

paxton is great just not w devi.

okay I really like this ask and there's a lot to talk about here.

1.) I totally agree Paxton and Devi are not close at all- they didn't even talk AT ALL (or barely at all) after they broke up TWO YEARS AGO when they dated for TWO MONTHS. In an actual high school timeline, they would never speak to each other again. If Paxton didn't work at her school, they never would've spoken, and you're totally right, they weren't even close enough for Devi to know he was working at Sherman Oaks! Also... can we just comment on the fact that the writers MADE Paxton drop out of college (I am like 90% sure) and act as a swimming coach at his former high school just to revive Devi and Paxton's relationship? Like, I'm sorry, but that is so extreme and a testament to how distant they are. Meanwhile, Ben and Devi just naturally wind up speaking to each other again because they gravitate towards each other and share common interests (extracurricular activities, classes, etc.) I feel like also aside from the short period of time they didn't speak after the cheating, they've always been in each other's lives. Daxton doesn't have that history.

2.) I haven't heard them saying that Ben and Devi are all about sex, but that's genuinely so weird. The reason the sex is such a big deal and why Ben getting with Margo after sleeping with Devi is so hurtful is because it was such a personal decision for Devi and she only did it with Ben because she's emotionally connected to him and felt comfortable enough to do it. I don't necessarily agree the Daxton relationship was all about sex for Devi, although it started off that way, I think it's more about Devi's pressure to conform to societal coming of age standards and the idealized lifestyle of an (American, because let's be real that's a huge part of it) teenager, while Paxton sees Devi as a representation of the person he wants to be (bolder, smarter, more exciting).

3.) I totally agree and I love that you said it's not fair to EITHER of them. Honestly the main reason I am annoyed with Daxton is not only because it's a huge character regression moment for Devi, but also for Paxton! Like he really was doing so well with his life and moving on... only to go backwards which is maybe what going back to his high school to assistant coach represents I am not sure.

4.) YES this is my main complaints about Daxton, it seems so much more focused on Paxton then how they are as a couple. The self-insertion is too real, it drives me crazy. If any of these people were anything like Devi, they would never date a Paxton.

[yakultii]

it’s that time of the day agaaaaiinnnn …. when I woke up this morning (or should I say afternoon bc I didn’t go to sleep til like 5am again rip) I thought today was gonna be so rough BUT I went through the motions and made some moves to improve it (I’m getting very good at this now! or maybe I always was and never really recognised it until now, allowing me to now feel good about it) and the afternoon was a lot better than expected! It was so exhausting I felt like I was physically dying but I spent hrs cleaning up so now if someone saw into my apartment it just looks a normal amount of messy rather than time to be institutionalised type vibe (no exaggeration) and then I made heaps more protein icecream and then I was so exhausted I wanted to lie in my bed forever but I also wanted to get some fresh air on a walk but I told myself I could only go for my walk IF I cooked them god damn burritos first(knowing I’d be both mentally and physically exhausted by the time I got back and put it off again….. and I did it!!!!!!! It didn’t take long at all which I knew all along but sometimes my mind can’t comprehend that until I actually do it ugh. Then I FaceTimed my mum while I went for a walk but on the way home I walked past them filming the news live cos some really tragic events occurred on my road which is so sad.. and then I got home and learned I have the heart rate variability of a 75yro at 24 so that’s super duper fun but we all knew my body was cooked and imma try do everything in my power to increase that :,) ALSO before I went on my walk I saw the new sign my neighbour put up (as u will see in a prev post) and it made me so happy :))) I’m so glad I made the card heheh making it and giving it brought me so much joy - I think maybe the reason my life feels so empty is because I haven’t been doing nice things for people(idk?) like how can I expect the universe be kind to me when I haven’t actively been going out of my way to be kind lately (I used to all the time but now I don’t have much human contact so that’s kinda why it’s been limited)… I was running at parkrun on Saturday mornings bit before I started getting too physically exhausted to even do that but this has got me thinking maybe I should just go there and volunteer until I’m feeling physically better?? It really can’t hurt for me to learn how to be around people again just one morning a week (just gotta fix my sleep schedule over the next few days first)… anyways I’ll get back to you on the progress w that one! additionally I am super grateful for my hot shower and even more so for the bomb ass burritos I just ate for dinner! I also achieved most my goals from yesterday of drink water and make burrito but not get sleep rip. My goals for tomorrow are 1. get to SLEEP before 3am (I mean that’s kinda today,kinda tomorrowlol) 2. eat a little more than I did today 3. complete readings/questions for at least 1 of my uni classes for next week(I’ve barely done any readings the entirety of my degree and still managed mostly 90s but I’m doin a lil experiment to see what happens when I do LOOL also now I only do so, no more philos, so that readings are gonna be a lot more manageable/I may as well try :) I hope you’re all having a lovely day today and that your tomorrow is even better!

[chonnysinferno]

i STILL feel as if i’m being frog boiled into following you. like sometimes i’ll just check in and scroll two posts below like okay what are they doing now. question mark. everytime i see you in my notifs it’s like a jumpscare. i’ve considered sending an anon ask just saying your icon looks like posadism but sadly it does not. it’s just like. orange. that’s it. i wish it looked like posadism, just because i like posadism. wait fuck you don’t know centricide one of the reasons i didn’t send that ask so now i have to be like ohhh posadism as in character from centricide as in webseries with personified political ideologies. i feel like we’re kind of like soulmates but opposite. like forever fated to be strangers and nothing more. forever fated to see the other’s reflection in the glass of a store as they pass. that’s probably just me though. being silly and such

hi twig-gy you can come out. i know this is likme 99% you /silly that is so hilarious tho like. you also show up on my fyp sometimes and its like. "oh its that user !! woah" it also makes it funnier that i havent been posting anything relating to cj in the past few days too im slowly disappearing from the fandom ajugh i really should post smth cj related soon okie now back 2 thjis. i also check in w ur blog when ever u come up kits like. studying you in a way i dont know how to say it youre like the only person i do this to so .................... uhmmmmm idk who posadism is unfortunately my icon is a humanized design of michael from love of the s*n </33 ill go look it up after im finished typing this tho oh nvm i just read further down LMFAO im just going as i typr so ill check out centricide after. yea i dontneed to repeat what i said i dont thinkl ypu get the point were kind of just poking each other with sticks i feel. like were aware of each oithers existence but well never actually interact properly which is so sad. i need to examine you under a microscope to be franjk with you. youmnare so interesting to me but i forget about you 90% of the time just like everyone else i meet its not just you btw how you described it is exactly how it is except i havent really thought of it until this was. yknow brought up id follow you but. i feel like you might kill me or somethin g i apologize unfortunately that goes for everyone i interact with. so edit : oh also the frog boiling thing was the best thing evber when i first saw it i added it to my bio as a joke like a while ago and i think its too perfect to remove now

[little-cereal-draws]

I’ve seen a lot of posts abt how wonderful it is when Neurodivergent ppl live together bc they finally understand each other and don’t have to deal w neurotypical living expectations. Well here’s an angry three am rant abt my experience as an autistic living w an autistic roommate. (This is just my personal experience that I need to get out)

—

He stims vocally a lot and it really bothers me. I can’t focus on my work, especially writing, but I don’t want to stop him bc I know how important it is

He plays video games until 3am most nights (including rn) and I’m so sleep deprived that I want to cry all the time and almost fall asleep as soon as I sit down but I don’t want to tell him to stop bc I know those are his special interests. I know first hand how soul crushing it is to be told u can’t engage w ur special interests so I let him do it

He’ll have the tv, his laptop, and phone all playing different things at the same time and forget doing my work, I can’t even be in the same room. It’s too much. But I don’t want to tell him to stop bc that’s stimulus he’s needs Ig

I know a lot of ppl have trouble w temperature regulation and he’s got a space heater that’s on 24/7, even when he’s not home. I live in the south and it’s summer now so it’s around 80-90 degrees every day but I’ll come home and it’s even hotter in our room. Walking in feels like getting slapped in the face w the sun. I think it baked my plant alive bc even tho I got one that could survive heat, it’s crispy and white like a ghost. I didn’t even know plants could do that. But he also always wears a hoodie and jeans no matter how hot it is so maybe he’s cold all the time. Idk

He’s got no spatial awareness. He likes to do his projects on the floor and completely spreads out so I can’t access my bed, night table, food, or supplies. His stuff already takes up 2/3 of the room anyway but this makes me dance and tiptoe around his projects for days on end

Adding onto that last point, he doesn’t remember things very well. And I know that’s not his fault but it’s so annoying to come home and he’s done his share of the chores but didn’t put the cleaning supplies away. Or he’s ironed his clothes but left the ironing board out in the middle of the room. He finally washed his dishes today that had been overflowing from the sink for eight months. And I know executive disfunction can be a bitch but I’m so tired of not even being able to wash a single fork bc there’s no more space in the sink

And the lights,,,, I know a lot of ppl have sensory issues w overhead lights but it’s so frustrating when I’m obviously working on a project, putting fine details on a still life or whatever, and he just turns the light off. I can’t work in the dark but I know what a pain lights can be so I just let him do it

And he’s a good guy and is nice and all that but I can not wait to move out. And I’m not blaming him for any of this, it’s 100% on me and I know it. I haven’t expressed my displeasure for these things or asked him to change so I shouldn’t expect him to magically know what I’m thinking. I’m too much of an anxious ppl pleaser to assert any boundaries

[flowervolcano]

I know I have seemed anti Antonia Dreykov but it’s not like that at all. I just get mad that she wasn’t a well written and fleshed out character and I hope for some new things for her.

Originally I thought ooh he could be Marvel’s first trans character, have Tony transition to male that way “look he’s a male” and I’d really be down for this idea

But if not, idc we could do a female Taskmaster, just let her have spunk, energy, charisma, let her get her own personality anything that isn’t all drama filled. She deserved better than that.

So I want some things for her, which is; figuring herself out, after years of being silenced I want her to be a mouthy little troll like her comic counterpart, she uses the “my father silenced me my whole life now I’m making it your problem” excuse whenever someone on Thunderbolts gets annoyed with her excessive banter/talking. She has so much she missed out on, she could be like a little socially awkward at first but then really just kicks it off. Maybe she picks up skateboarding randomly just because she saw someone do it. I want her to reclaim some humanity and personality. All things she was dismissed from having. Let her thrive and grow into a real person. I’m afraid they will just keep blandly writing her with no soul and she’s only “I was a weapon” like Bucky, Yelena and Ghost weren’t. (Not all of them are as moody but you get the point)

Then I also really want them to utilize her powers more, explain that the chip in her head is actually just because her father is a control freak and was limiting her to a program. That the powers don’t have to be computer functional. Idk taking away a super hero skill like that sucks imo and that was one of my major complaints when it first came out

BRING BACK THE CAPE PLEASE!!!

The main reason I’m upset with the “reveal” was mainly because Taskmaster’s identity never mattered to him, he was a just a dude who loves his skull mask and refuses to take it off so when she took off the mask in the movie it felt jarring (not because she was a woman btw) but because it felt so not like Taskmaster to do so. I didn’t care who was going to play Taskmaster as long as the actor kept the mask on 90% of the time. It’s kinda not fair to such a great actress though, which added to my distraught feeling. It felt like so many good things and potential was wasted. Because no I feel like her identity is more important than her skull mask (rip) but that’s a simplistic argument

Instead it would have been devious if she wasn’t actually Dreykov’s daughter but staging that to get under Black Widow’s skin (I say this because the timeline makes no sense in 2008 Antonia was around the ages of 7-10 which I would be around the same age as her, and she does NOT pass for 16-20 years old, let me remind y’all that BW was set in the year 2016, so if she was let’s say born in 2000 (like me) by the time it’s 2016 she would only be 16. So that is still making the least amount of sense in direction of writing. If honestly would have been better if instead of trying to connect her in that way, sure go with “victim” but not if the timeline makes no sense. Sorry I’m rambling a little it’s just I take my timelines very seriously and can’t stand when the math ain’t adding up.) ignoring the mess up in the time line I just didn’t like the needing to be related to someone to hurt Black Widow, and having her only exist like a pawn was upsetting for me. And the character as a whole.

Instead she could have just been anyone who was being abused. Maybe Dreykov found her and her unique abilities and abused that to his will and forced her to work for him. She could have been in the explosion but not related to him even, but he uses that event against her. “I saved you and made you what you are, you are in debt to me” or even worse the old “I took you in when you had no one, I’m the only one who would care about you now” obviously he’s a gross manipulative old man who had no regard for women. But there was so much to work with to make him even more evil and disgusting. He never cared who anyone was even his own daughter yikes— while I like the idea to a point it didn’t quite work in the long run and execution. But we can work around that! Let Antonia shit talk him constantly after he’s dead. It would be funny. Let Antonia be lazy too. I think she deserves to kick back and annoy people a little. I just want to see her healing and I’m trying to morph her into the little bastard Tony Masters any way I can.

She can really be an interestingly complex character, she could only be in it for money like Tony usually is, and that works, some people are just like that. Maybe she feels like she has nothing else in life (because she doesn’t) so money is the only thing that makes her happy. Besides this absolutely works for the name change to Toni Masters, who would want to keep the Dreykov surname??

All in all I had much to write about but started ranting and losing my process. What I really think is most important is letting her be a character, a unique one. Just because she’s gone through traumatic events doesn’t mean she has to be a brooding, serious, depressed character, let her be goofy and whatever because she went through a lot and this is how she copes!

Just let her own it and be a fresh take, something free from everyone. She doesn’t need her dad, sympathy, pity, Black Widow, nobody she is her own hero. And she just wants to do some shots at a bar because why not.

Oh and finally, let her date Ghost/Ava. I think they’d have a wonderful chemistry together.

[lesbianlenas]

I’m here from the lobotomyladylives lore post about you. I have tons of questions. first how does someone get such deep lore and a fanbase? what is supercorp? who actually is mystery girl and is she real? what music do you like if not taylor swift? and did you go to dashcon?

NO i did not go to dashcon 😭 i don’t have a fanbase either it’s just my lore & cringe fail loser personality compel ppl idk 😔 my lore developed bc i say too many things on my tumblr & weird things always happen to me & ppl enjoy making fun of me that’s all…..again it is my cringe fail loser personality. but they just followed me for my supercorp posting really….and it is a tragedy to me that u don’t know supercorp aka supergirl and lena luthor from cw supergirl aka the greatest pairing of all time……they are everything to me fr 😭 i can’t describe to u what u cannot understand if u did not bear witness 😔 ummm anyway mystery girl is in fact real (and i am not in love w her btw) she is just a lesbian i am friends w (although she is mad at me rn so maybe friend is a strong word atm lmao) who is moving away that’s all i don’t lie on my tumblr blog 😩 and idk i enjoy a lot of rock music by women mostly my favorite band is hole and also mcr which i am admitting against my will for honesty’s sake so my music taste kind of falls into the categories of women’s rock and emo music lmao……i don’t really have anything against taylor swift i like some of her music i just don’t like 90% of it bc it’s not my taste 😭 idk if this really cleared up much for u but this didn’t even get into my more interesting lore which i guess was left out which is too bad. much more interesting things to share really.

[radgalniya]

eternal sunshine review

you already knowwww. another album review.

random thoughts:

so the thing is i didn’t have high hopes for this, bc i hated sweetener and people were saying this was like a part 2. and shitting on positions, my favorite ari album, to compare this one. so i’m like i’m gonna hate this. but i am actually so excited bc i like it. i finally have new music to be obsessed w rather than relistening to the same songs over and over.

also just bc i like the album, don’t mean i’m like a homewrecker stan. she gotta chill.

she should’ve kept the red themed cover like i get the message of the new one but it just doesn’t hit the same.

anyways bc i’m a psycopath, i listened out of order bc that’s the only way i can properly listen idk y.

also i love that there’s no musical features

anyways to the review:

intro(end of the world):

it’s a cute lil intro. my everything vibes. 6/10. probably won’t relisten to this one much. but i love how she’s being so honest on this album bc i’m a nosey ass bitch. love when ppl air out their business. more more!

bye:

modern disco viiibes. upbeat. very dancey. but also lyrically it’s very idk not melancholy but like kind of sadish i like that. 7/10. the song is really not my personal taste but it’s really good still.

don’t wanna break up again:

naur he turned up the tv when he heard her crying throw that man in the trash!!! i like this one. i like the melody and lyrics and the chorus is my favorite part of the song. i wish the production was a little more melodic. it only does it for me during the chorus tbh. but i like this song. 8/10 “but i just can’t refuse” in the chorus sounds like the “im finding ways to stay concentrated on what i gotta do” in die for you by the weeknd.

saturn returns interlude:

idk man some woman talking what do you want me to say. isn’t it weird that this is the only track with capital letters tho?

eternal sunshine:

i really hate trap beats tbh. but ik it’s like ari’s signature now. but ick. it’s a bop tho for sure. but not really my taste. i only really like it bc the lyrics. i just love ppl telling their business y’all i’m not kidding. 7/10

supernatural:

AHHHHHH BITCHCHHHH YESSSS THIS IS WTF i’m TALKIN ABOUT THIS IS POP BITCH YESSS 100000/10 i love the modern 80s pop vibe and the chorus is so perfect w/ the beat. it just rides man i love this song. i’d love this album JUST for this song.

true story:

so 90s love it. very aaliyah beat. i love a good 90s r&b moment so ofc this is an automatic like even if the chorus isn’t that catchy. idk ig i just feel like pop should have catchy melodies and/or an infectious beat. y’know? also she ate w/ the belting at the end. 8/10

the boy is mine:

YASSSSSSS. again we know i love a 90s vibe. the slowdown right before the chorus is insaane. and the choral style harmonies on the “is” of the boy is mine scratches something in my brain as well as the “gotta be a reason why” robotic voice thing. this is so catchy. this is totally a fantasize vibe. so good. 10/10

yes and?:

i dont have it in me to keep defending this song from u vultures. AND i wish she put the mariah carey version on the album too 8/10 and no i will not be explaining myself further y’all are gonna make me cry.

we can’t be friends (wait for your love):

feel i’m getting an 80s vibe again. i like it. i’m loving the upbeat music, sadish vibe lyrics thing going on in this album. i like the vibe of this song a lot. i do wish something in here was more catchy. but i like it. it’s so soft and wistful almost. that’s probably why i’ll relisten. conjure up some interesting maladaptive daydreams w/ this one. 7/10 edit: i watched the video now i like it more. 8/10 lol

i wish i hated you:

it’s very vulnerable. again i’m nosey so i like that. but the song is eh for me. i don’t think this is a song i’d listen to for the music but more for the vibe. 6/10

imperfect for you:

i looooove it. a little weird melodically but i love it. just scratches something in my brain it’s so good. so catchy. 10/10

ordinary things:

it’s good. not one of my favorites but the more i listen, the more i like it. i love the way she pronounces ordinary in here lol. 7/10

okay that’s all really

p.s. i feel like why try from my everything would fit in here idk. this album feels like a perfect combination of all of her others, it’s so weird how that works out. i love it tho. pleasantly surprised!!

[socksbiteshuman]

I keep thinking at what point in our lives are we allowed to point fingers at our parents, Zack?

If I wasn’t alone I could’ve easily divided us. One child to side with each parent and rotate that combination every now and then to keep peace, to make it look like it isn’t strategic. But there’s only one of me here. I cannot go ask for help.

So I have to go 50/50 between the two except, I can’t. One person is always more wrong. One person has always messed up more.

At what point are we allowed to admit that despite our parents being good people and good parents separately, sometimes we’re out in situations that demand more of us than we are equipped to give? As a child with the best parents in the world am I ever allowed to admit that they hurt me? Am I allowed to even think it to myself?

I keep trying to side more with my mom emotionally, and with my dad logically.

Our very simple tea time conversations turn into grave robberies. We keep digging up the old corpses because they’re still bleeding within us. We keep scratching the wounds and we think it’s the only way to move forward.

I am the guillotine and I keep trying to fall only and only on my own neck. I do not want to ever come close to theirs. But it feels like sometimes,

Like sometimes when you’re angry you break beautiful things even if you don’t mean to. It’s not intentional, but you might wave your hands in exasperation and accidentally hit a favourite flower vase.

But sometimes, I think yknow that that wasn’t an accident.

I know I’m not the glass vase in their eternal battle against each other, but I’m still there, Zack. And I do not understand how to explain it without sounding like a privileged princess.

But then.

Today, my dad said, my beloved dad said my mum would be left alone as an old woman cus he’d be long gone. Long gone. She’d be 80 or 90. And old and would walk with a walking stick. And he’d be long gone. And to lighten up the mood and to keep myself from bursting into anger and tears, I said “wouldn’t you be 80 too?” And he said nah.

The surety in his voice really scared me Zack. Yknow how often I imagine those moments to prepare myself, but it hurt so much to hear it.

I’m not against him wanting to leave this world as soon as he can bc god knows he’s been really put through it and he surely has nothing to live for except his responsibilities.

But it really hurt so much to hear.

He was like “i’d be gone way before that, I’m not getting old and living for that long.”

My mother had yelled at him for not being gentle during our play fights, and she told me that he used to be like this. That he always gets irritated and retaliated out of irritation, not playfulness and that he used to do it to her.

And then he said he never.

And she said, you used to hurt me. You just didn’t slap me but you used to hurt me. And he got so hurt by that accusation.

I got them off of each other and he stormed upstairs and she stayed and-

I wasn’t there Zack. I wasn’t there idk what went down and when.

But I know if I could go back in time I would murder both of them in their sleep bc they are the worst fucking crime that the Universe has ever committed.

These two getting married is the grandest most fucked up crime ever.

But nonetheless, it just.

I don’t like to think about it bc I don’t wanna be one of those people who make up problems for themselves by overthinking but then sometimes I realise that I was formed, born, I came into existence-

as a product of …

This.

Like this insanely horribly formed marriage of two people who would rather die than exist around each other,

And I came out of that.

I am the product of that.

I happened.

And I just start to feel so ugly again.

Everywhere.

Man’s I keep thinking Zack there’s nobody else here and there’s a part of me that wants to run so far from you so utterly far far away, make sure you never find me bc my responsibility in this world is to take care of them.

When they’re old.

I don’t understand it but I would lose you, You, whom I’ve desired since I was born,

to take care of them.

One wants to go as soon as he can and the other wants to stick around for as long as she can for me, Cus she doesn’t fantasise about leaving her child behind.

Im so sorry but I really don’t think I am worthy of your love, because I don’t think I have it in me to love you right. I am a product of this disaster this karmic cosmic crime.

And wherever you are, I just hope you’ll forgive me if I never find you.

Idk exactly how much I’m going to lose and how much I’m going to gain and how much both of things would be decided upon by factors beyond my control, powers older than the Sun, rules written in celestial ink.

But You. I want you to have everything. Anything and everything.

I don’t think I can ever go, Zack.

I had stopped wanting to go, I had started to want to stay.

But now I know I Have to Stay.

There really isn’t another option. One of us has to leave, it’s a very old story. All that. One of us has to stay too. And I will.