#idk i am bad af at colors y'all

[oneirataxia-girl]

alvita's birthday exchange ⇝ for hadley @supermarine-silvally

ft. Bravada Yara x Portgas Ace

"And I'll surrender myself to you."

x x

I hope you like it!

bonus:

a small icon set to thank you for all the art you made for me! <33

[cherryhanji]

flowers don't tell, they show

bulleted scenario. stray kids (hyung line) x female reader

genre: florist/flower shop au, fluff (idk what else to put lol)

words: 1.6k

warning(s): none (a single curse word maybe?)

description: what if you received a flower from your own shop?

alexa's note:

so hello there my friends! stay at home this valentines'? (actually u don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend to celebrate valentines. love is not only for couples! it's for everyone! have u heard different types of love?) well, i just want to give my lovely bubs here the half of my cute lil valentines' gift. and i hope y'all like it! *kith kith* (maknae line will be posted tomorrow)

just a quick disclaimer:

so i really don't have that much knowledge about flowers and their specific meanings, i just googled them (sorry) so if i interpreted something that you think is wrong, pls tell me right away. thankies!

•••

BANG CHAN

• your cutie af neighbor who highkey endorses your shop to his fam and friends, in which you are so grateful of because it really helped your business a lot

• "your flower arrangements are so damN beautiful"

• always gives a cup of coffee every morning before you go to your shop

• "cheer up! florists like you are always appreciated. Don't be sulky, okay?"

• one time you went home really exhausted

• valentines' day is always the holiday that makes your business boom a lot

• only seeing a bouquet of flower sitting nicely on your doorstep

• realizing that the bouquet was the one you made a while ago, but didn't have the clue who the person who bought this from you.

• "I know it's very exhausting, since morning, I know you'll get exhausted, so I bought this for you, hoping that it will lift up your mood and put a smile on your face."

• "keep on smiling, it makes me smile too. - CHAN"

• he's right. Definitely right. Because as soon as you read his small note, that bright smile on your face never faded. all the stress from the shop was completely removed by this unexpected gift.

• "He's really a sunshine, as what they always say."

LEE KNOW/MINHO

• "flowers easily wilt and die soon, why are y'all spending your money with that?"

• "minho, if you just went here to mock my family's business, I am happy to tell you that you may now leave"

• "Fine fine. They're beautiful, okay? Like you"

• "oh shut up"

• Minho always annoy the shit out of you every weekends. And when you say weekends, it means Saturday and Sunday because you always help ypur parents manage your own family business which is a flower shop.

• Your mother loves planting, especially growing flowers. And as a daughter of a florist, you grew to love it. Which gives you knowledge about different kinds of flowers and their specific meaning.

• "being a florists' daughter, what's your favorite flower?"

• you smiled at his expected inquiry. your classmates already asked you the same question.

• Minho is your friend for quite a long time already, though you weren't surprised he asked this question, but what's surprising is he asked you about this just now.

• "I actually have lots of them. truthfully I love all kinds of flowers. But I have this one thing on my mind."

• he looks a bit interested, knowing Minho, he's not into flowers, telling you that he always catch allergies whenever he stays near them. Not having an idea why he always manage to go to your shop that is full of flowers and not getting allergies at all.

• "I really love this flower called goldenrod. Aside from its cute little yellow flower heads, I love it because of its symbolism."

• "it symbolizes encouragement and growth, and apparently this flower brings good luck to everyone. Isn't it cute?"

• "Kinda. You know, rose and sunflower are the only flowers I am really familiar of"

• You laugh at his adorable confession, he's right. Most of your customers, example of them are teenagers like you order roses as a gift for their special someone.

• Little did they know, there are different variations of flowers that can really interpret what they feel

• "I heard that Camellia symbolizes adoration, am I right?"

• you were shocked that Minho, a guy who only knows roses and sunflowers knew this.

• Camellia symbolizes adoration, some people give Camellia to tell how much they adore and like that certain person.

• "yeah, you're right. How'd you know that?"

• "Google, duh. Anyways, do you have a stock of Camellias today? If yes, can you please arrange me a bouquet of it?"

• As expected, Minho and his sassiness. But knowing that he'll purchase a camellia from your shop consoled you a bit.

• Giving you his payment, you immediately arranged the camellia bouquet, your favorite arrangement. Showcasing your talent in front of him

• Which you think is effective because you can see how attentive he was from your peripheral view, making you feel a bit awkward.

• But your mind came to abrupt stop after you gave him the bouquet.

• "w-why..?"

• "it's for you, idiot. Good job in arranging the bouquet, you received a pretty bouquet of camellia flowers.

• "the flower says it all. don't ask me why."

CHANGBIN

• "The most expensive bouquet of flowers you sell in your please."

• You frown at the way Changbin address his order to you.

• In your University, Changbin is that one "delinquent, rude-looking guy from your class".

• And your first encounter with him isn't that good. Leaving a bad impression of him to you. So you were kinda surprised to see him in your shop.

• Seeing Changbin, dressed in black leather jacket with lots of piercings hanging on his ears with a colorful bouquet of flowers from your shop in his hands? nah, that's strange for you.

• "are you really this good at arranging those flowers?"

• his "lowkey compliment" made your ears perked up. You and Changbin aren't really that close, given your bad first meeting with him.

• "Uh, y-yeah? Because I do this for a long time now. So I'm already used to it."

• Giving his order to him made your face a bit flushy, your hands accidentally brushed against each other.

• You just handed his order, but why do you feel something in your stomach?

• your eyebrows knitted when he gave back to you the flowers, hesitating to accept it.

• doesn't he like the arrangement?

• "w-why are you giving this--"

• "I'm sorry if I left a bad impression to you. I swear, I didn't mean to be rude to you. I am just totally pissed off that day. And I wished that the ground will just eat me alive when I knew you were one of my classmates in Ethics."

• Hearing him apologize for leaving a bad impression to you, made your heart sank. Maybe he's not that rude unlike what you think of him.

• "Are you really that sorry?"

• You didn't know why you asked that, maybe you just liked the way his sorry and remorseful tone is contrasting his physical appearance?

• "Yeah, I really am. I hope that you accept it. Maybe we can start off again? This time, I'll be nicer to you. I'll never be that rude guy from your class ever again."

• His last line made you giggle because he probably heard what you told your seatmate about him that day.

HYUNJIN

• The classic "high school hearththrob"

• Expected that most girls from your school gave him those plastic flowers, with diabetic filled boxes (aka sweets)

• "I really appreciate their admiration. But where do you think I'll store these plastic flowers? I am not even a fan of flowers."

• "plastic flowers last long. but it's plastic, it can destroy our nature. So, real flowers are still the real deal."

• "yeah, I know. That's why you're lowkey endorsing your flower shop. Yeah, they should buy authentic and fresh flowers from Y/N's flower shop."

• Hyunjin decided to walk with you, going to your shop after school, to help your parents sell and arrange flowers. Because for sure there are lots of people visiting your shop to buy flowers. Valentines' day, people.

• "Is it okay to stay here for a while? If you don't mind?"

• You just let him walk around, his eyes appreciating the beauty of each flowers displayed around the shop.

• The title "flower boy" just fits him perfectly.

• and the way he just picked up the single lavender rose was just as fascinating as him

• "this looks pretty and rare, what does this mean?"

• "you're right. lavender rose are the rare variety of roses, and it symbolizes love at first sight."

• the smile on hyunjin's face is so genuine, and you know that someone came up to his mind after you told him what the lavender rose symbolizes.

• "great. I'll buy this one, please."

• the enthusiasm in Hyunjin's voice tells you that your assumption was right. Who ever they are, they're so lucky.

• But you think you already have an idea who that person is.

• With a small folded paper, and a bar of chocolate, Hyunjin gave you the flower he bought and picked himself from your own flower shop.

• "Happy Valentines, I hope you like it."

• For sure the thumpings of your heart can be heard already because of its wild beating.

• "Good thing I found that rare flower for a girl like you."

•••

tagging my networks: (bcs sometimes it won't show up in the tags😤) @districtninewriters @inkidz @skzwriternet @stayhavens @0325-net

[boysandsuicide]

1-100 😜

First of also sorry for my English. I know it’s bad 🙄 these are actually hella fucking cute y'all1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?Idk. Idon’t eat often cereal haha2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?Sometimes yes , but mostly not 3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?Starbucks Card , handkarechiefs, paper uns other stuff 4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I love black coffe, but also with milk and suggar. Same with tea . Like it depends in what mood I am and which kind of coffe/Tee it is.5: are you self-conscious of your smile?No 6: do you keep plants?Nope. I even made a cactus die😂7: do you name your plants?No 🤔8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?I think none. Just tumblr haha9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?Yes, but only when no one is around10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?I have like 1000 different sleep positions every night 11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?I don’t have really good friends, but the most ones are about people from school in Russian 12: what’s your favorite planet?Never thought about it 13: what’s something that made you smile today?A friend,whom I don’t know very long ,but I really like haha14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?I think like a ikea catalog 😂15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!Uranus is tilted on its side16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?I think Bolognese but this also depends on my mood . All in all I love food and eat nearly everything 🙄 17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?Platin blond ,but many said ,that it would look good and so i didn’t dare18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.I think there’s nothing 19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?I don’t habe one . I just draw or write something during school,when I’m bored af 20: what’s your favorite eye color?I depends on the person but I like grey-green 21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I don’t have one 22: are you a morning person?Definitely not 23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?Netflix , sleeping or reading 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?There’s somebody from tumblr whom I don’t know a very long time , but I think one day I could tell him everything 25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?None 26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?It changes like every ½ year , but now it are my black vans 27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?Purple airwaves 28: sunrise or sunset?Both but I like more sunsets. Sunrise it too early in the morning 29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?Idk haha30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?I get often scared ,but i remember , when I was small and I was flying somewhere and there was turbulence and I thought that we will all die haha31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.I like socks because they’re covering foot but I have only black and white ones and yes I do sleep with socks 32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.I don’t remember something happened while I was with friends after 3AM. This even didn’t happened often 33: what’s your fave pastry?I love cake but I’m working at bakery so I don’t really like pastry 🙄34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?It was called karkusha(Russian ) it was a bird puppet and I got it on a flight and my grandmother always played with me. It’s somewhere in our flat but idk where 35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?Nope 36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?Idk haha 37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?I like it when my room is clean but I’m a messy person 38: tell us about your pet peeves!I don’t have pet :((((39: what color do you wear the most? Black, than white and grey 40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?I got and gold chain from my grandmother , but I’m not wearing it because it breaks often and it doesn’t really having a meaning from me . Only that it’s from my grandmother 41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?Scythe and night school 42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!Starbucks 😍😍😍😍43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?I never did this but i want to :(44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?Idk. Last time I felt , that I can be who I am , was with a friend ( I hope is one , because ideally like him , we just don’t know eachother for a long time ) His name is Noel and he also has tumblr 🙄 45: do you trust your instincts a lot?I depends on the situation but often i do 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. Idk hahaha47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?Oysters . I hate it and the smell 48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?Spiders , falling somewhere down from a high place - I’m still afraid of both today; dying - I’m not afraid anymore of dying 49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?Nope and it was a long time ago I bought one so idk 50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Different stuff but I collect flight tickets but I lose them in my room 😂 and I collect nearly everything 51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?There’s no52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?Too many 😂 53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I watched None of them 54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?I think some school-friends on Friday - we got our certificate 55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?Idk 56: what are some things you find endearing in people?It depends on if like Theo person or not . But I like when someone truly smiles a lot and cares about someone 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I like this song and it made me fell like sad or something like that but also happy haha🙄58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?And again no friends haha59: what’s your favorite myth?There’s no . But maybe aliens ?🤔🤔60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I like Russian poetry . Pushkin 61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?I got many stupid ones and gave many stupid ones , but I think the stupidest givt was a bottle opener which looked like a bottle cover haha but again I am/ wasn’t invited often to birthdays or something like that 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?Nope . I’m allergic against fruits 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?Nope I’m not . Just put like the first , second etc. Part of a book series together 64: what color is the sky where you are right now?It’s dark blue/ black . At home 65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? Yes a girl who I know a long time but we like drifted apart and a boy from tumblr whom I saw some days ago ( I know it’s not a long time, but I miss him)66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?Pollen allergy 😂67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?I like them when I’m st home with a hot drink and read book/ watch Netflix or a good friend is around me and you can talk about deep topics haha68: what’s winter like where you live? Like shit . It’s rainy and maybe there’s snow for 2 minutes but then it melts :(. But it’s typical german winter and it’s often „very called“69: what are your favorite board games? I like monopoly70: have you ever used a ouija board? Nope 71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?I love bubble tea , but also black , green tea or some with fruits . It’s depends on my mood. 72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?Sone things yes . Some I will still remember in 100 years 73: what are some of your worst habits?There to many . Some of them : I am very annoying and clinging 74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.I don’t have good friends (now)75: tell us about your pets!I wanna a cat since I’m 5 years old but allergy :( but it’s one of my biggest wish which will never come true 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?Homework, learning 77: pink or yellow lemonade?Both 🤔78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?Definitely Fanclub 79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?Hugged me a long time , cared about me , wrote me a very long and cute birthday text me 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?White and grey . I wanted something normal and I like the colours black , white and grey 81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.I don’t remember they’re eyes and eye colour😂82: are/were you good in school?Im good but not good Enough for me and my mom . My average is 1,8 but I wanna 1,5 or better 83: what’s some of your favorite album art?Idk 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?I wanna a tattoo but Idk which one . Maybe something with rose(s)85: do you read comics? what are your faves?I don’t 86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Yes I do but idk which ones 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Idk. It depends on what kind of movies the person likes 88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?Idk Hahahaha89: are you close to your parents?I don’t know my father . I hate my stepfather and don’t talk to him but I’m also not close to my mom 90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.I love Moscow . It’s besutiful af and it’s big and it’s like full of live and not dead in the night and I just love it 91: where do you plan on traveling this year?Moscow92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?I drown my pasta into cheese . There’s never too much cheese 🤷🏻‍♂️93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?Idk how it’s called haha 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?I think the brother of a school friend 95: what are your plans for this weekend?My plans were sleeping as long as I want ,Netflix and homework because I have to get better grades 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?Mostly I procrastinate on them a lot 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?Intp, Lion , idk haha but Irving the one Harry Potter was in 98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?I don’t remember it and I don’t want to and I hate it . So please never talk about it again 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.Leer-KC Rebell Hold on -chord overstreet Take on the world -you me at sixMAD world - Riverdale cast Many from little peep , kizaru, troye Sivan and russ

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?I think the future one . Like I wanna know how my future will be. Will I be still alive ? Will I be happy ? Will I reach some of my goals ? But on the other hand I also wanna be surprised but life etc.

BTW I needed nearly an hour to answer so questions but I think no one will read everything haha. But I you did , maybe you can message me 🤔

[lovelydeceitff]

Chapter 1:

**disclaimer: the majority of this story will be from Shay’s POV (It’s my first story idk if I can handle so many POVs lol). Eventually, when needed, I may add POVs from other characters… okay bye, happy reading (;

I’m gonna say the right thing at the right time at the right place.. and you won’t know what to do..

Shay

Being at school 2 weeks early is the worst thing ever when your friends are not there yet. I have a love - hate relationship with being a LEAP counselor. LEAP is a program that my university puts on for students to build skills that will make them successful throughout their college career. I’m here early to train on how to be effective. Think of it as being an RA (resident assistant). Yep. I have to deal with immature freshmen on the regular. I’m just there as a mentor primarily, but me being me I’m gonna end up a good friend of theirs too. That’s fine with me though long as they aren’t too childish. I’m entering my junior year and I definitely don’t want to be annoyed by childish people.

It wouldn’t be too bad if I didn’t have to be here on my birthday. ITS SATURDAY, MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND and here I am with my one friend, Raven, on campus trying to figure out a move. My actual birthday is on Thursday so I’m celebrating this weekend and next. I’m turning 20. My second decade on earth. I need to be lit. Okay I’m over exaggerating, I have a few friends here but they live off campus. I don’t; I stay in the dorms so I’m lonely if not with Raven. She’s also here early due to being a leap counselor.

I opened up my Twitter and my DMs was first to pop up on my screen for whatever weird reason and my friend Chris’s name was there from old messages of ours. I then remembered that we were supposed to link up when I got back in town. I know he would have something to do so I decided to text him.

See, Chris is one of the coolest guys at my school. A lot of people know him and a lot of people love him. He has a great personality and people usually flock to him. Surprisingly, he’s really to himself. I mean he has a lot of friends. Like actual friends. He parties a lot. But he’s a typical guy - lays low when needed. He also sells weed so, that alone makes him known. He isn’t in a fraternity, nor any other organizations. He built his name based off his personality alone.

7:48pm Shay: CHRIIISSS! What’s up? I’m out here. Let’s hang.

I continued to scroll through Twitter, just to see if anybody posted anything that I could attend. I went back to Chris and I’s DMs because I know they’d make me laugh. He is a flirt and our DMs show that. He slowed down with the flirting after I reminded him that I had a boyfriend. Now he just asks how my relationship is going or just checks up on me if we haven’t talked in a while. If you asked anybody else, Chris likes me. But if you ask me, he doesn’t. Chris and I had a short lived past. When I first got to college, I met him. We started talking up until I got serious with Keith, my boyfriend. We were in a party, I was super drunk and I told him we couldn’t talk on that level anymore. It was so Funny because my drunk self told him it saddened me to leave him alone. It all worked out in the end. We remained friends. Distant friends actually. 8:12pm Chris: What! Shay’s back? Bet. I’m supposed to chill with some friends in a few. I’ll text you the address soon.

Soon to Chris could mean hours… or never.

8:13pm Shai: Okay. Please don’t forget.

8:15pm Chris: I won’t.

“Rae, we got a move! Chris said he’s gonna text me the address of a kickback in a minute.” I yelled out to raven as she sits in my bathroom fixing her hair.

“So, should we get like dressed dressed orrrr?” She asked me.

“Honestly, I have no clue. I think I’m gonna get slightly cute. I think shorts and a nice top or jeans would be cool” I told her.

I went to my closet and attempted to find something to wear. Of course I struggled. It literally took my an hour just to find something I liked. I decided on ripped jeans and a white body suit.

————

I knew it. Chris never texted me the address, if I wasn’t so desperate to turn up I’d just chill in my room with Raven. Ya know, play monopoly or some shit. But nah. I can’t not turn up so I’m gonna call Chris because I’m just about fed up. I hate waiting. Chris is literally the worst texter in texting history.

“Chris wtf, you forgot about me huh?” I said as he answered. “Shay….. chill. I just got here. I didn’t forget. I told you we were gonna hang so we are. I’m about to text you the address, you can come right now.” He replied.

“Alright. Is it far from campus? And I’m with Raven” I said to Chris as my other line started to ring. It was Deja, my other friend who lives off campus. “Hey, hold on REALLY Quick Chris! Hello, Deja?”

“What’s up girl? What you got planned tonight?”

“Chris is about to send me an address now to a kickback. He’s actually on my other line right now” I said to her.

“Okay. I wanna go. I’m with Marvin tho” she said back to me. I immediately rolled my eyes. Marvin is her annoying ass boyfriend. We’re not even gonna get into him right now though.

“Alright bet, I’ll text you the address once I get it. Gotta go Deja, see you in a few.” I clicked over to the other line “hello? My bad. Deja wants to know if her and Marvin can come out”

“That’s fine, just let them know it’s not a party. I know y'all like to juke and shit” he laughed.

“Whatever. I haven’t juked in forever. Text me the address bye” I hung up as I laughed. He’s so annoying.

I texted Deja the address and luckily she lived by the house so I didn’t have to get her. It’s now close to 10:30 so I texted Keith goodnight. I haven’t really talked to him today. Or lately at all. We’ve been very dry in our conversation. I made sure to send a sweet text just so he can sleep with a smile on his face. I love him.

As I arrived to the house, Chris and his friends were sitting on the porch. I approached him and he greeted me with a long, long, tight hug. It was a great hug actually. I haven’t seen him in forever so I guess it was a hug for lost time. He then hugged Raven and Deja and dapped up Marvin. Their greeting wasn’t nearly as long as mine. He hasn’t seen either of them in a while also. He told us we could go in the house, but we’d probably be leaving soon to go somewhere else. As we went inside Deja looked at me and laughed. I asked her what was so funny.

“I seen that Shay.” She said to me. I asked what she’s talking about. “Shay, that hug. Chris likes you girl. I don’t know why you can’t tell. I didn’t even tell you he asked about you a few weeks ago”

“Why’d he ask about me? What’d he say?”

“He just asked about you girl, relax. You need to be careful hanging with him forreal. Chris is gonna get you in trouble” she said referring to my relationship.

I laughed, “no he isn’t, I’m the only person who could get me in trouble. He knows I have a boyfriend. Chris and I are just friends.” She didn’t care what I was saying. Deja is always right and she knows it. She’s like a psychic, not kidding. This girl is never wrong. But in this case, she is. And she’s gonna see that tonight.

In the house, we were clearly bored. There was like 6 people outside, 4 inside not including the people I came with, and other people who were leaving. Chris came in and spoke with us because we’re sort of his guest. We tried to play water pong, but the people before us lost the damn ball. So we’re just sitting here looking silly. Raven is next to me on her phone. Deja and Marvin are being caked. Chris is in a chair near me talking with these guys. He’s dressed in all black today. I can’t lie the color has me a little weak. He looks good af today. I mean really good. I caught myself staring a few times. To my surprise he didn’t even notice. After about 20 minutes of being at the kickback. We left and followed Chris and his guys to another kickback. This kickback actually looks like it has potential. These two whirs girls threw it. You can tell it was on a whim. When we got there they were pulling out the water pong table and a guy with bottles came in.

My type of party. If there’s no alcohol, how am I gonna loosen up?

I asked Chris if we were able to drink those bottles. He went to the kitchen and brought out both a bottle of Apple New Amsterdam and some other stuff I didn’t care for. I chose the New Am. Chris was delighted. He said it’s his favorite drink. We immediately took a shot. All of us. Raven, Chris, and I basically had that bottle to ourselves because Marvin already had his own liquor. A disgusting four loko.

After a while, I started feeling my liquor. Not too much. I wasn’t even tipsy. I just was feeling it. I needed to be around more people I knew. So after consulting with my right hand man, Raven, I decided to invite our old pal Vee. Surprisingly she was with my boyfriends best friend so that was even better. They ended up coming out and that made me feel so much more comfortable. I can be shy sometimes.

At one point in the KB (kickback), Chris came to sit next to me and we talked. At this point it was obvious he was giving me extra attention. I still thought nothing of it because Chris is social in general and come on… I’m his guest. Mid-conversation, all I remember is me stopping what I was saying and telling him he didn’t want to hear me talk this much.

That statement came from Keith and I’s issues. I talk A LOT. As I grew up, I learned to control it. I actually do pretty well. I know when I’m talking too much now, ya know rambling about nothing. But, no matter what I would say Keith would stop me in the middle of my sentence and say something along the lines of “OKAY Shay.” When he didn’t want to hear me talk anymore. It messed with me every time because I would barely be saying much. We’d be holding a conversation and he’d stop me from talking. Yet, I would have just listened to him say everything he wanted to say. I would feel shut out. So to change that, I reduced the the things I had to say to a minimum or I wouldn’t talk much at all. After telling Chris that what I was saying was a waste of his time, he said something that made me realize how unhappy I was in my relationship.




"No no.. I want To hear what you have to say. I enjoy hearing you talk Shay. Finish...

I haven’t been told that before so it caught me off guard. To be honest, I wanted to cry. Sounds weird to want to cry from that but it was something I’ve been wanting to hear from Keith. I love to talk. To hold conversations. I hate feeling like I can’t. So for Chris to want to listen really shocked me. It was foreign to me.

We continued to talk until we decided to play water pong. It was his idea, we partnered up and played against Deja and Marvin. We made a good team lol he was really good and I wasn’t bad myself. We strategized as if we were gonna win a trophy in the end. Chris showed me so much attention during the game which confused me completely. He touched my lower back. Softly touched my arms. At one point I was against the wall with his arms and hands touching the walls behind me while he was in front of me. We were close. Just talking about the game, it was completely innocent. But I felt it. It was there, something strange. I couldn’t understand. He was flirting with me. I couldn’t stop him either. If I did I’d end up making it obvious to Keith’s best friend who was sitting on the couch not paying us any mind.

After the game I tried my best to avoid close contact with Chris. I went as far as sitting with Deja Raven and Vee to try to make it seem like us girls just wanted to talk alone. He came by me again though. But attention wasn’t solely on me this time which was cool. I almost ended up in the bathroom with him alone. I was about to pee, but he asked if he could rinse his finger because he cut it. At one point we were both in the bathroom taking care of his bleeding pointing finger. I started to feel nervous so I got out of there once I could. I didn’t understand this feeling that was coming over me or where it was coming from. Chris doesn’t make me nervous. Yea, he’s flirting with me. Big deal. I get flirted with a lot. It doesn’t phase me but for some reason it made me feel a type of way this time. 

 The night started to come to an end. Everything started to die down. I realized I needed to leave when Chris friend came and sat next to me and my friends and asked what we were about to do. He asked me, “Aren’t you going home with Chris?” I quickly said no. He was drunk. I assumed he seen us flirting and just thought that’s what I’d be doing. I’m sure that’s what normally happened after parties. Chris brings home a girl. Not this girl though. 

After my friends left, Raven and I prepared ourselves to go. Chris walked us to our car which was across the street. I said something about the gym and he felt the need to begin complimenting me.

 “Why do you need to go to the gym? You look fine… I mean you look really fine Shay” I then begin to explain to him that you don’t have to feel fat to want to practice a healthy lifestyle.

 “I’m just saying you look good how you are. You’re already small. You had guys asking me if you were single in there. You’re beautiful. You don’t need a gym.” He continued ranting. 

He was drunk. I was getting annoyed. I hate when people tell me I shouldn’t go work out. I did gain weight, but I’m not fat. I know I look fine but damn a girl can want some abs right? 

 After we wrapped up our convo. He hugged Raven and I goodbye and told me to text him when I got in. I did exactly what he said and let him know I had a great time and thanks for inviting me. 

I laid in my bed and began to recap the night. See, Keith doesn’t like to go out. Like at all. He’s not a people person and parties aren’t his thing. I’m the total opposite. I’m super outgoing and if there’s s party you can bet I’m there. I don’t mind Keith not being like me, it’s never phased me. I would love to party with the love of my life sometimes though. That could be why I was so nervous to be around Chris. Yes, cause he was flirting and I felt something. But also because I don’t have too much experience partying with someone that interested in me. I normally push people away and continue partying with my girls when I’m out. I have a boyfriend, there’s no need for any guy to get too close to me. I guess I allowed Chris because he was drunk and he’s my friend. I didn’t want to embarrass him. He’d never act that way if he was sober. Chris is really the most respectful guy I know when it comes to my relationship. This was the only time he stepped out of bounds. I didn’t think about it too much longer. Sober Chris will apologize later. 

2:26am Chris: I’m glad you had a good time. We’ll hang again no worries. Goodnight Shay 😌

[shawnsbabyma-blog]

TAGGED :)

I was tagged by the most beautiful @teen-mendes - Basics what’s your name ➔ We'll go with K. do you have a nickname ➔ K or Katniss, do you have a middle name ➔ Yep do you like your name ➔ It's okay. Pretty boring and basic I guess. do people often mispronounce your name ➔ Nope! do you like the meaning of your name ➔ Sure! It's just my grandmas name! when is your birthday ➔ December 5th how old are you ➔ LOL. I'm a cougar. (I tell everyone I meet that I'm 21 tho cause after 21 it's like bleh.) do you like your age ➔ NO what’s your zodiac sign ➔ Sagittarius - Appearance what’s your hair colour ➔ Blonde is your current hair colour your natural hair colour ➔ Kinda do you dye your hair ➔ Yes do you have natural highlights ➔ Yes when was the last time you had a haircut ➔ uhhhhhh maybe a few months ago. what length is your hair right now ➔ It's at my shoulders by I wear extensions a lot. do you have straight, wavy or curly hair ➔ Pin straight. do you use a curling iron ➔ Sometimes! do you use a hair straightener ➔ Never do you braid your hair ➔ Sometimes what’s your eye colour ➔ Mostly hazel. But green when I'm crying. And a yellowish when it's sunny. do your eyes change colour ➔ Sure do! do you wear contacts ➔ Yes if so, do you use colour contacts or regular contacts ➔ Just regular. do you wear glasses ➔ Sometimes! do you have naturally long eyelashes ➔ Yes but I wear eyelash extensions as well. do you wear braces ➔ Nope do you have dimples ➔ ugh NO. do you have moles ➔ Uhhhhh I have a couple beauty marks no raised moles tho. do you have outstanding cheekbones ➔ Yeah a lil do you have freckles ➔ Nope do you have piercings ➔ I doooooooo!!!! do you have tattoos ➔ I doooo, I love them! do you wear make up ➔ Yessssss do you paint your nails ➔ Uh huh honey do you wear jewelry ➔ Yep!!!! Mostly just my piercings though and a necklace. are you happy with your height ➔ Meh, 5'6 is okay. - Personality would you consider yourself outgoing or shy ➔ Outgoing af. are you sarcastic ➔ Absolutely. what’s your biggest fear ➔ Being trapped in small spaces, like being buried alive. what’s your guilty pleasure ➔ Shawn. Honestly, Shawn. are you religious ➔ Yeah do you get easily along with people ➔ Very much depends. Usually though. do you cry easily ➔ Meh, never in front of people though. - School do you go to middle school ➔ Nope do you go to high school ➔ Nope do you go to a private school ➔ Not anymore are you home schooled ➔ Nope have you graduated from school ➔ YES what grade are you in ➔ I am not. have you skipped a grade ➔ Nope. have you been held back a grade ➔ Nope have you ever failed a class ➔ Nope have you been sent to the principals office ➔ Yep have you skipped school ➔ Yep have you cheated on a test ➔ Sure have. - Family do you live with your biological parents ➔ I don't live at home anymore but I used to yes. do you get along with your parents ➔ 90% of the time. do you tell your parents everything ➔ YES. Like too much. do you have strict parents ➔ Nope do you have siblings ➔ Yep are you the oldest ➔ Yes are you in the middle ➔Nope are you the youngest ➔ No are all of your grandparents still alive ➔ Just my one grandma on my moms side. - Friendships do you have a best friend ➔ Yes do you have more than 10 friends ➔ Yes do you have at least 2 friends you can trust with your life ➔ Yes friends ➔ Yes do you text with your friends a lot ➔ Yep - Relationships what’s your relationship status ➔ Sooooo so single. have you ever been in love ➔ Yes do you believe in love at first sight ➔ 100% have you ever been in a relationship ➔ Yes have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yes. For my bday this year someone left Beats headphones for me outside my apartment it was creepy. have you ever been asked out on a date ➔ Yep have you ever been kissed ➔ Yes have you ever made out with someone ➔ I have. have you ever been cheated on ➔ Yes? have you ever been proposed to➔ Nah. do you want to get married ➔ Yes do you want kids ➔ Yep - Country where were you born ➔ Washington D.C, Virginia where do you live right now ➔ NYC have you ever been out of the country ➔ I'm constantly traveling. do you prefer country or city ➔ Both do you like sightseeing ➔ 63829263% I'm obsessed with traveling. Is one or more of your parents from another country ➔ Nope what places would you like to visit ➔ Paris, Greece again, England, tbh all of Europe haha. are you fluent in more than one language ➔ Ugh no what languages can you speak ➔ English - Health do you have any allergies ➔ Nope are you lactose intolerant ➔ No but I try to stay away from dairy. have you had surgery ➔ Mmmm nope have you had stitches ➔ Yes have you broken a bone ➔ Yeaaaaap has someone close to you died of a disease ➔ Yes do you exercise a lot ➔ Not as much as I want to. - Experiences have you ever had a near death experience ➔ Yes, or at least they felt like it. have you ever been on a plane ➔ Yep have you ever had an allnighter ➔ I'm so bad at them. have you ever been to school/work after a sleepless night ➔ Yes have you ever been in a physical fight ➔ Only with my sister hahaha have you ever been to a wedding ➔ Yes I LOVE THEM have you ever been to a funeral ➔ Yeah have you ever been drunk ➔ Just was last night ugh have you ever been trick or treating ➔ DUHHHH have you ever been in a school play ➔ Yep have you ever been to a camp ➔ Yep have you ever driven a car ➔ Yes, I love drivingZ - Skills how many languages are you fluent in ➔ One ☹️ have you ever read a book in another language ➔ No can you roll your tongue ➔ Yep can you braid hair ➔ Yes can you do a handstand ➔ Kiiiiiiind oooooof - Habits do you crack your knuckles ➔ Literally just did do you bite your nails ➔ Sometimes do you bite your lips ➔ Yeah - Favorites 
what’s your favourite movie ➔ Harry Potter movies and The Little Mermaid are the only consistent favs I have I think. what’s your favourite tv show ➔ The Vampire Diaries, Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, The 100, The Flash, I know I'm forgetting some. what’s your favourite book ➔ The Maze Runner Series is amazing. The Tenth Circle. I have so many I forget all the titles. what’s your favourite song ➔ Bad Reputation by Shawn Mendes because it reminds me of my high school experience. what’s your favourite colour ➔ I really don't know. I wear a lot of black and pink but idk if I'd say either were my favorite color. what’s your favourite animal ➔ Elephant what’s your favourite season ➔ Fall - This or That summer or winter ➔ Summer day or night ➔ Dusk cats or dogs ➔ DOOOOOGSSSSSS rain or shine ➔ Rain coffee or tea ➔ Coffee reading or writing ➔ Both humorous or serious ➔ Humorous always brown or blue eyes ➔ I love all eyes single or group dates ➔ Single. texts or calls ➔ I love both driving or walking ➔ Both - Last last phone call ➔ My landlord lol last text ➔ My best friend and roommate last song you listened to ➔ currently Life Of The Party last thing you ate ➔ Oatmeal with peanut butter and strawberries. last thing you drank ➔ Hazelnut black coffee last time you cleaned your room ➔ A few days ago last time you’ve been on a date ➔ I've never been on an actual date lolololol. HmmmMmMmMm I'm tagging @illumeshawn @mendescutie @babyshawwn @mendesmoonlight If y'all already did this just ignore meeeeee I don't know that many people yet!!! 😘😘😘

[allbark-nevada-blog]

TASK #001 : CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

What is their MBTI type?

INFJ

What is their moral alignment?

Neutral Good

What is their zodiac sign?

Aries

What TV tropes describe them?

Drama Queen, Little Girls Kick Shins (hahaha so tru), Deadpan Snarker. Idk I am sure there are more but I am bad at searching and they are lagging.

Which Hogwarts house would they be in?

33% Slytherin, 32% Gryffindor, 20% Ravenclaw, and 15% Hufflepuff (I honestly was not sure so I did a quiz)

What is their worst nightmare?

If you ask her then nothing. But honestly being forgotten about, being left behind or pushed aside. Nevada keeps everyone at arms length but wants more then anything to be accepted and her nightmare would be that never happening.

What is their favorite movie?

Uhhhh. I am so horrible at questions like this. Nevada really isn’t a big tv or movie person. She watches whatever is on tv for background noise when she finds it too quiet at the house but I honestly cant think of a favorite movie.

Do they have any treasured items?

Nevada had moved around so much in life she lost anything she original had. Nevada never really got attacked to items because they never stayed like people. Now her most treasured items would be her bed room furniture. When Nevada officially became a member of state pack she made a comment in passing on never owning a new bed or anything like that. The next day Delaware has bought her a brand mattress and Lanta was forcing her out the door to go shopping for stuff for her attic room. She has never treasured anything more then items she got that day.

Where would they fall on a politeness/rudeness scale?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Okay but like is this a real question? Have y'all not met my rude af bae??? Scale one to ten. One being not rude at all. Ten super rude. She is a fifty.

What is their favorite drink?

While Nevada loves pumpkin lattes her favorite drink is flavored sparking waters and what she drinks most. Pineapple is favorite flavor.

Do they have an recurring dreams?

Nevada doesn’t sleep much. She normally pass out when too exhausted too stay awake to avoid dreaming. For a while after she triggered she would have nightmares about the accident. She knows she woke up yelling a few times and is glad no one in the pack house mentioned it.

What is their clothing style like?

Jeans, flannel, light sweaters, plain t-shirts, leggings as pants, converse, and flats.

Are they a morning person or night owl?

Again Nevada doesn’t sleep much. She learned as a child she can survive well on four or five hours of sleep. Nevada will stay up late and normally wakes up early. Though if she doesn’t leave the house super early she will stay in her room or on the roof until mostly people have left or the morning rush has calmed down.

What is their guilty pleasure?

One Direction (she refuses to admit she liked them), anything pumpkin, and the Just Dance video game.

What is their favorite kind of weather?

Fall. Overcast or rainy. Cooler and darker weather.

Do they hate anyone? Why?

Nevada dislikes and distrust a lot of people but hate is just a lot of energy. The only person she truly hates is the fourth or fifth (she lost count) foster family she had. It was before she started acting out to much. The guy had a gambling problem and when the women started noticing money missing he blamed her and another foster kid of stealing. Nevada was sent to a group home for delinquents and was there for a few months before placed with another family. The group home was by far worse place she had lived and she still thinks of getting pay back somehow on that guy.

Can they remember much from their childhood? If yes, what fond memories do they have? What bad memories?

Nevada sadly remember everything from the age of five up. When she heard some people don't get memories back she was pissed she did. Nevada doesn't remember good memories though. Just the bad, pretty much because she doesn’t think there were any good memories.

Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Any weird food preferences?

Nevada is the least picky eater. She wasn't given much say growing up just told to eat what was in front of her. It's rare for her to dislike or complain about anything food related. Which is shocking since she will complain about anything else.

Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when their favorite song comes on?

Nevada thinks musicals are stupid but she would die without music. She almost always has music on in her room, lightly when others are home, much louder when she thinks she is the only one there. She always normally can be found with headphones in when she walks around too.

What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive, physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

Super demiromatic. Gray-asexual or asexual (honestly not sure but heavily leaning to straight up asexual). Nevada has never been in a relationship, never had a desire too. She never let anyone close enough to get romantic attracted to anyone.

For triggered wolves: how long does shifting typically take? Do they dread the pain of shifting, or look forward to the freedom of being in wolf form?

It takes Nevada normally around 17-19 minutes to shift. She hates every second of it. Dreading the pain much more then looking forward to the freedom. She doesn’t mind being in wolf form but hates the time to get there and get out of wolf form.

What are their thoughts about full moons? Do they have make any particular preparations, have any traditions?

Nevada luckily never had to deal with a full moon without the state pack. She hates it just as much as shifting, except at least she blacks out quickly on a full moon so she thinks it hurts less. She only follows the packs prep. Never does anything more for it.

What thoughts do the have on the existence imprints? Love them, hate them, indifferent? What are their feelings on their own imprint, or lack of?

Nevada doesn’t understand the point of imprints but she also doesn’t understand the point of relationships. She is glad she doesn’t have one. And is pretty sure she would be happy if she never got one.

Do they have any alpha blood?

Nevada knows nothing of her wolf blood line but no.

How often do they voluntarily shift?

Define voluntarily?? hahaha. Nevada shifts 2 to 3 times a week for training which she was told she had to do.

What is their favorite part of being in wolf form?

Nevada like the freedom that she feels once she has been in wolf form a bit and the pain has worn off. It clears her head more then anything else has.

Do they prefer wolf or human form?

Human form because even if she likes being if wolf form, getting there is to hard to make it worth it most times.

Do they prefer running in human or wolf form?

Neither? Nevada doesn’t care for running much either way but would rather in wolf form, mostly because running human form reminds her of gym class which she skipped a lot.

If they could create their own pack, what theme would they use for names?

Ummmmmmm. Wow this is harder then favorite movie question or tropes question. Maybe something like super villains to be a butt face? Or colors.

Which enhanced sense was the hardest to grow used to?

Does hearing people’s thoughts in wolf form count? Because that would be weirdest and having people be able to hear hers. Nevada normally says what she thinks and like instantly thinks things so it be bad.

[inspirationallyinsane]

July 9th 2018

Tumblrrrrr :D It's me. Your fav. I'm so good. Yes. So good. My life is incredibly full and I'm a full ass person and it's cool. I'm not going to lie though, I haven't put myself in a position for disappointment for a while. Not since Vince. I wasn't sure if I would. I'm not sure if I want to. And obviously Vince was a whole lot more than disappointment. But! Similar. Heartbreak is just like, exaggerated disappointment. You feel loss? Waste? Sadness? It's interesting, I think. I've only been truly heartbroken twice in my life. Lmao I did not set out to write about this but I guess we're going to. Um. And both of those times I think that I almost enjoyed it in a strange way. I remember after Vince just dipped tf out I was so completely broken that the whole world seemed different. I was watching it happen, but not living in it. I wasn't present for shit. It was like a quasi-death. A part of me died and was watching the rest of me function and be a person, but in reality? I was not a full person. I was half a person, half watching things happen, half experiencing things. And then!!! There were moments when suddenly that part of me re-entered my body?? My soul?? And the colors were bright again. Brighter than they ever had been. The most beautiful moments I have ever known. It was very similar with Austin but the difference was that I was not present for a lot longer after him. I dipped out for a solid two years after Austin. Well. Until I met Vince. And that was not good. I was not good. Somehow I have learned how to fix myself. I learned how to escape the lie and keep myself present. It's neat. 3 months? It only took 3 months. I can do anything for three months. So. What is heartbreak to me now? What is the risk? What is the sadness, really? I thought my love died to him, I thought he had won, beat me. He had swung his sword enough, finally slayed me. But I was wrong af. I have never been happier and healthier than I am now. Last night was fun. It was a good time. Yesterday was incredible. My song did well for its first day. I got a lot more listens than I did on any of my others when I first released them. And chocolate texted me about it :) I'm not sure how interested in pursuing that I am at this point. It was fun writing the song and the lyrics are fun but in reality? I'm really leaning more towards the "no" side at this point. I was in a different situation when I wrote that, when I met him. And he's fun and I don't doubt that it would be fun. I do hope to see him again before I can't again. But. There's no sure things about what will happen. I like things to develop kinda naturally and smoothly. I don't wanna force anything. Just cuz I write a song about sucking some dude's dick, doesn't mean I necessarily will. And I actually had a lot of other people text me about it too!!! All good things!!! No bad feedback on this one. Genuinely I am shocked. I got soooo much shit for my other songs. Like. So much. And some of it was dumb shit, like this kid from my youth group left a comment on one of my songs and it was about how one of my lyrics was "wrong" but it just went over his head a bit. And so now I kinda laugh about it, but I'm so hungry for every single person's praise and love that at the time it was hurtful!! I was like??? Wtf. Why did you feel the need to say that on my soundcloud? I see you every week you weirdo? I could've explained the lyric to you, and then neither of us look bad. Could've saved both of us embarrassment. But no. You just had to go and do that. Idiot. "Idiot" is one of my favorite things to say now. Just how Dwight says it in the office. Dwight is the cutest. He's my fav. We're similar, I think. Obviously he is a character, and in many ways, I am too, just not as violent, perhaps. Haha. But driven and excitable and unsure and sensitive. I am easily messed with. Idk. People tell me I'm like Dwight. Who tf knows. Anyway. So yes, my song release was a success. And my picture didn't get taken down from insta! Which is awesome. I like it a lot. I look hella fine. I always look fine tho. Let's be real. Umm and then the rest of my day was very nice too :) Significantly better than expected for sure. Not that I exactly thought it wouldn't be good. I knew, to some extent, as I usually do with these things. But. 11 hours is a long time to spend with someone. I don't do that often. If ever? Have I ever? 11 hours. I think the last time I did that was when I went to Bandon with Scott. When I was 16. Woah. That's crazy to think about. I mean, I guess it's not super normal. People don't do that. They should though, maybe. It's fun. It's nice. I'm not sure how much I should say. I like to talk/write about things, in depth. However, that isn't always smart. Not always a good idea. Sometimes, it's a good idea to keep your feelings all up inside of you. And it's about 50/50 with my judgement calls on these sorts of things. Like Chocolate? I was concerned that might be a bit much, and it turned out fine. Better than fine. The response was good. But like when I wrote about shit with Zach I did not expect such an aggressively upset response. So. Wtf do I know, really? Ok. So. Here's the thing. I'll just say this. And it's going to be difficult and upsetting for me not to say a whole lot more. But I'm not going to. I have a lot of thoughts, and a lot of things going on inside of my head. And I'm not sure if I'm putting myself in a good situation, I'm not sure if I trust the situation. And yet, as I tend to do, I will trust the situation and let the things happen to me and see what happens. End of story. Also!!! I started writing another song today!!! That's exciting. I've never jumped into a new one so soon after I released one. I'm happy with how this one is going too. I have a chorus and the first verse. Kinda pounded that shit out in about ten minutes. I was inspired. I think I'm going to call it Bury, Bloom. Some of you, well, like two of my readers may know what I'm referencing there. Lmao. I don't tend to write things to or for or about people that I know they will never read/listen to. But I believe this is one of those times. She won't ever see this or hear this. Unless things change dramatically. But I'm a pussy and so they won't. Oh well. Here's a thing that I have been thinking about; I think that identifying the line of events in life is really important. I wrote a little bit about this a few months ago but I haven't really been able to get it out of my head. I think this might connect to the meaning thing. And maybe that is why my subconscious (?) is telling me it is important. I'm having to start with myself. From the beginning. This thing led to this thing and then this and that, so on and so forth until every passing second. Endlessly. Until I die. Um. But it's like, every single person, every single thing, every single thought, has influenced my actions which create who I am today. Similarly, I have had a part in creating a part of everything around me, things that are inconceivable to me. Actions I have taken, actions I have not, all of it. Indecision is decision in itself. Stagnation is an action. How does it tie into meaning? I don't know. I gotta think about that. The machine. The machine though! I'm a part in the machine and the machine would function differently if I functioned differently. Ok. Ok. So if the machine can, certainly can, function differently and "produce" different things, then it must!!! It must be producing for a reason. Why though? What reason? What is the production for? I've been thinking about the refrigerator thing a lot too. That little gift of a metaphor that Benadryl gave me. So. Here's how I see it, right? The multiverse exists. Right? Almost definitely. There is a "universe", a time, in which matter doesn't exist. Matter, energy, none of it exists. There is no refrigerator at all. It isn't even about whether someone is using it or watching it or appreciating it, it simply isn't there. And you have to think of it this way, perhaps: A home, a universe, in which a fridge never existed would not miss the fridge because it does not know the fridge. But! If a home that already had a fridge all of a sudden did not have one, there would be a noticeable difference. If! Time were different, if TimeTM were to suddenly break, as we know it to be, the machine could cease. SO! Since the machine exists at all, and there is a lack of machines as well, the machine existing in the first place must mean something. It must have purpose. It has to. Because otherwise it just wouldn't exist. Why though. That's the thing. I can't outrun all the "why though"s. It's endless with these sorts of things and I could throw it right back but I don't like to argue like that. Why though? Is a valid question, and I would like to know. So you know what?? I will take your why though and turn it into a solid answer. I've progressed quite a bit over just the last few weeks even. Hm. Maybe if I can tie the two things I just talked about together that might get me even further. Fuck Kant. He can't kill philosophy for me. I'll know the shit you glorified con man. Nice job killing the conversation, you garbage person. I like most philosophers, no lie. But Kant? Socrates? Assholes. No good. Not worth their salt. That's what I say. Plato?? Wayy better than Socrates. 100%. Socrates can suck me. Anyway. I'll get really upset if I keep writing about Socrates. Lord knows. Tumblr. Thank you for giving me a place to put my ramblings :) y'all are wonderful. I know a lot of people only follow me for my selfies cuz they're a little slutty and sexual like 90% of the time, but I don't really care. Maybe the reason doesn't matter as much as the existence of it at all :p lol. Look at that. Life is cool. I love being alive. It's funny because I've been thinking recently I might die. Because that would be so ironic. I think that would be a little funny. Not in a "haha she died" sorta way but it's like, I have always wanted to die. Since the moment I was old enough to have real feelings. 13? Probably. I have seriously considered suicide for years and years and years. I've felt dead, at least in part, a majority of my quasi-adult life. And now I do not. For the first time ever. For the first time I am excited to wake up, I'm excited to think, I'm excited to be me. I'm excited for my future. I think it'd be really ironic if I died rn. Like the kind of irony that I would wanna write about. I think if I were about to die right now I'd be really disappointed I couldn't write a poem about it. I'd be a mad ghost. Someone better write about the irony of my death if I die. Ya know?? Ok. I haveee to try to sleep. Again, thanks for listening Tumblr. Hopefully I will be able to write more specifically about many things, soonish. Goodnight, until next time :D