#idk how to fucking process all this grief and i dont think i ever will. i feel like im stuck and im never going to get out.

[angelstrawbabie420]

ik this is probably a regular part of grief especially losing ppl traumatically/unexpectedly but man i am tired of being worried SICK that my loved ones are going to just drop dead and working myself into a panic when i dont hear from them for too long

[bulbabutt]

hhhhhhh lemme just vent about something im real ashamed about that i feel i gotta get off my chest as a uh. process of grief?

so like. two of my pets died back in april right? 2 weeks apart to the day. first the cat, then the dog. and its been uhh... miserable. hard to grapple with still to this day. shit feels bad for everyone, but like the real issue is the one pet we still have?

shes not the pet anyone would have wanted to be the survivor. like. its not her fault, shes just not and never was anyones favourite. she also has her own health issues and stuff, so it was just... a shock, to say the least. shes the last one left but shes not as cuddly as the other cat was, or as in need of attention as much as the dog. shes just... not who anyone would have chosen to survive. but thats not how life or death work i guess. you dont get to choose that kind of thing, loss of control over things. idk.

and shes very much my cat, and that feels bad. like she likes me more than everyone else and yet even i wouldnt have picked her to be the last one left. i was already struggling since moving to somewhere completely unfamiliar, feeling kind of suffocated by the idea that i had these two cats i begged for at 20 and then i was stuck with them for the foreseeable future while barely being able to handle being a person whos alive right now. and then one of them died and i realized how fucked up that was of me to ever think, and now its worse cuz i think i wouldnt have wanted her as much. and i still cant deal with her as much. its hard. dreams about the other one, dreams that i have to remind myself arent real when i wake up cuz hes still gone despite my brain forgetting it still. like uhhhh waking up talking to myself where im literally telling myself hes dead without realizing thats whats happening.

and then hhhhh the dog. that big stupid untrained mess of a dog, everyones best friend. its really hard to be without that dog, he was everyones first dog. but my mother wants a new one and i just cant deal with that concept at all, that was the dog. but then when he died we were so fucking. fresh off the tail of losing the cat its taken so much longer to process. so its been so much worse about the idea of a new dog recently cuz i just dont fucking want that at all. that guy was like... like he was never my dog, i didnt walk him, but you know. big stupid thing who was always in my face when i was home alone. he was hug sized, patient. you could cry into that dog with ease. thats what he was.

so really i just fucking. i stare at my cat i still have whos still here and i just think. why you. why are you all i have left. i resent her, its not fair, but i do. she cries for attention and i just shut her out cuz i cant deal with it half the time its too much. and i know shes probably lonely but i just cant fucking deal with it, and everyone else is obviously trying to put more of their love into her and thats good she needs other people more than me cuz all i see is the wrong cat. which is stupid cuz shes not, she was the first choice cat, but shes just... not him. i dont know.

fucking. pet loss is a mess grief is a mess and people think its easier than it is. its been fucking 6 months and yet i am still just as fucked up about it as i was and who can deal with that.

so maybe ive stopped being so nice in general, started being selfish, stopped making things for other people. started being weird. i dont know. i dont know why im even saying this shit, i just know immmmmmm you know. not dealing.

but maybe as mean as my thoughts are someone else needs to hear em to feel like their own feelings are normal. i think my thoughts might be more normal than i think, its just shameful to fucking say them at all. idk.

[whatsnewalycat]

Can you tell me more about your writing process?

I’m literally enthralled by your writing and want to know everything about how you approach your ideas — once you get one, what are your next steps?

You’re phenomenal ❤️

Oh man ok let’s see. I apologize in advance for how long this is (I, too, don’t want to be this intense, I promise).

Once I get an idea that I’m stoked about, the extent to what I do next depends on if it’s a series or a one shot, but I’ll usually try to get a handle on the main characters involved. If it’s a one shot it’s almost entirely vibes, I stg, I just wing the characters and storyline, but follow the same kind of editing process as I do series chapters.

If it’s a series, I’ll make a folder for the series in my notes app, and a note for each main character and start writing down ideas for their main characteristics and backstories. This is usually when I make a Spotify playlist for the series.

Then I make a rough outline for the story based on these characters and the initial idea.

From there I can kind of tell what things I want to do more research into before starting writing. I’ll make a note for each of those things and dump anything I find helpful or interesting into the notes. Like… for Psychomanteum I have notes with: links to tabloid articles, excerpts from research papers on psychomanteums, quotes from this book on grief, excerpts from and links to articles on sexual grieving, etc etc.

After this I go back to the characters and flesh them out a little more. I’ll look at lists of characteristics, make sims (seriously), watch the source material for PP characters, look at character archetypes, and think of people I know IRL for inspiration. Then once I think I know them, I revisit the outline and tweak it accordingly.

When I’m ready to start writing a chapter, which i dont start to do for honestly like… months after the initial idea, I’ll make an outline for each of the scenes I want and start trying to write them. I’ll just kind of word vomit out my ideas and try my hardest not to deal w the parts i think are crappy right away (which is hard because, despite what a chaotic mess I am, I am a fucking perfectionist). Most of the time I end up either not strictly sticking to the outline or writing alternative scenes, too, because idk sometimes it feels like the characters wouldn’t do that??? And I like to have options?

Once i write all the scenes, I take a break for at least a day, then back in and reread and tweak things like, I don’t know, one million fucking times 😂 I end up rewriting a lot of pieces and fleshing things out when I do this though.

When I mostly like it and cut out all the things I don’t want (I always save these scraps in a separate doc because I might want to use some stuff later), I smoke some weed, read a bunch of poetry, put on my playlist, and edit it again. If I ever refer to “the stoned edit” this is it lol. I always end up adding a lot more sensory details and better explaining emotions when I do this.

Then I read It once or twice more for spelling, grammar, formatting, fine tooth comb stuff. I’ll usually post it and immediately find some errors anyway 🥰 but what can ya do lol.

AHHHHH hopefully this helps and isnt Just like… me blabbing on about useless shit 😂

OH ALSO! The book “consider this” by chuck palahniuk has been super helpful for me as far as writing tips and stuff. I’ve listened to that audiobook like... four times because I can’t remember shit ever lmfaooo It’s always helpful imo. I also really like to listen to audiobooks of horror novels and find them inspiring because they’re usually so visceral and engrossing.

OK SERIOUSLY SHUTTING UP NOW SORRY

[i-go-by-whatever]

uh this is gonna be me processing how i feel one year after the news of technoblades passing. skip this one.

it was 10am on july 1st when i learned of the news. the first thing i saw when i woke up was dreams tweet and i just saw 'fuck cancer' and my heart fucking dropped. in that split second i was thinking 'oh no, did it get bad again?' i didnt think that he died. i had hope. when i watched the video and listened to his last words, my heart was shattered and i simply did not know what to do but cry for hours.

i had just got out of a week long 'down' state, when i had felt the worst ive been in years and i had one good day before i heard the news. i fell back into the sadness and it sucked. it sucked so bad.

every few hours id go on twitter and see more people react to it throughout the day. i watched as his family, friends, and community mourned him. every passing tweet made me cry. technoblade meant so much to a lot of people. he meant a lot to me too. and his death hit me so hard i was blindsided by the pain.

its an insane feeling to grieve over someone i dont know or never met, whom i only started watching for less than two years. it makes me feel insane to cry about it when none of my friends knew him. it feels insane how there is no tangible way techno had changed my life because i built no friendships through him, or made art of him, or was even an active member of the community. all i got was/is my love for him and his friends that he introduced me to. idk how to explain it, but it felt like i dont deserve to grieve him.

but obviously his community has been so loving through and through. we held each other, even though i personally spoke to nobody about it (given the fact that i dont talk to anyone or tweet on twitter and nobody irl knew him). theres still a weird feeling of loneliness and isolation despite the collective grief.

the toughest thing to watch was his father grieving him together with us. i had lost my father when i was a child and i watched his mother mourn him. it never made sense then that a parent should watch their kid die. it still doesnt make sense now. in some egotistical, nonsensical way, it felt like the universe did a trade with me.

i have never had any direct communication with technodad, but i think he had helped a lot in my processing my pre-existing grief over my father, together with our grief over technoblade, and everyone else i have lost in between. i will forever appreciate him for that.

sidenote: the dream technodad had about being at a gathering and he couldn't find technoblade. but turns out he was in the other room playing a game. and in the dream he was like 'oh thank god he's not dead' but when he woke up reality hit him like a truck?

yeah well, that was how it felt when i found out my dad passed away all those years ago. i woke up to a house filled with relatives and my mother pulled me aside to tell me my dad had passed away. he was the only person who wasnt there.

the grief i have for technoblade is so deeply intertwined with my grief for my father and i dont think i can ever succinctly explain it to anyone in my life. because they happened 16 years apart and had no connection whatsoever except for me whos in the middle. slowly processing my own grief.

(midwriting this i suddenly realized that after my birthday this year i will be older than technoblade could ever be and im sobbing silently in my room so my roommates cant hear me)

it sucks being someone who doesnt cry in front of people and struggle to ask for help or even a hug. the loneliness is palpable. thats why i wrote everything here.

i love you, technoblade.

i love you, dad.

im sorry to lump the two of you together like this. im a little insane, i know. i hope its okay.

[gyubby99]

@disneyanddisneyships why would I write this?

Alastor and Aponi were taking a walk at the park, demons running away from the sight of him and screaming. Aponi would also scream at the sight of him, but the 's' is silent because she's horny asf when hes in heat. Anyways,

They were in their early dating stages, which meant they had to learn about each other, but Alastor lovingly lurked in the shadows enough to know shit about her.

'I wanna watch her tell everything about herself that I already know and iternally laugh at how stupid she is, but she's my stupid butterfly and I love her.' Says Alastor's alleged thoughts.

"So, how old were you when you were sent down in hell?" Alastor asks, looking at Aponi in such loving eyes, you'd be surprised if he actually works his stinky deer ass into redemption because of her.

Oh shit I fuckin spoiled it. Anyways moving on,

"Oh, I was 19!" Aponi casually replies, as if their age gap is not remotely similar to Taylor Swift and John Mayer when they dated. She died in the early 2010's and doubts she's ever heard of Speak Now. Atleast she saw Fearless.

Wait, speak now released in 2010.

Maybe she died a day before it released.

We'll never know.

Alastor froze, his every system nervous.

He fucking should be. In his 30's his girlfriend's a fuckin young adult.

You see, even a professional murderer and overlord like him has standards.

Alastor wished he could've kept his five foot rule.

'Shit does this make me a groomer now?' Alastor asks himself in deer panic, and to think he would probably look at her differently in heat was something he could never imagine doing now that the information has been laid out.

"I thought you were.. 21." Alastor stated akwardly breaking the silence.

She wasn't even legally allowed to fucking drink. Just what the fuck did he get himself into.

Aponi groaned. "Al, I've been here 20 or 40 years, I don't really remember, I'm basically an old middle aged woman by now, and this is hell so it doesn't really matter."

Too late.

Alastor was staring at nothingness rethinking his existence.

Aponi would have to comfort him now.

The author wished Jason could choke on a sandpaper cock for making Aponi kill herself at that age. Omg verosika mayday reference she's definetely not another one of the author's girlfriends.

Um,

Let's change the subject back to Alastor and Aponi.

Dont tell my wives. They're forming a band.

"Al, things changed when I was brought up here. Did you know I was even shorter than I am now? I'm pretty sure you're a hundred years old now, and I almost could be, right now. It's okay.." Aponi reassured.

Yeah, things changed when she showed up in hell.

She was small then and she was just short now. Even for a 6ft tall butterfly demon.

All because of her fuckin boyfriend who's probably taller than her creator's other oc.

The author doesn't know what she's doing with her life as she writes this sentence.

"Darling, I just.. I know. Maybe I need a moment more to process." Alastor replied, currently going through five stages of grief.

Aponi rubbed his arm lovingly, smiling.

The author is currently on writer's block but she's doing this to make her bestie happy so she better appreciate this.

Pls.

She's begging. This is all she has.

Anyway,

Bonus;

Angel: Well damn about time ya told 'em!

Vaggie: Wait, she's 19?!

Angel: uh yea

Vaggie: I better not hear her sing 'Dear Alastor'

Angel: The fuck do ya mean by that?

Vaggie, who died in 2014 and has most likely heard of Speak Now: Nothing.

Charlie: Well, technically her age in this is probably 20.. so human age doesn't matter. It's just her appearance that looks 19, actually!

Aponi: Thank you, Charlie.

Alastor:

Aponi:

Alastor: I will be retiring to bed, my friends!

Husker: You don't sleep.

Alastor: Maybe I will!

~~~~~

This was a mess. Idk if this was a good idea but liana asked for this.

[brainmoss]

i knew this day would come but so soon? i thought she still had a few more years in her. she just seems to have given up lately but this whole process feels so weird

everyone is aware shes going to die, she knows shes going to die and refused a treatment that would help extend her life a bit, its fair but its so weird

shes been there my whole life, literally my neighbour, see her and talk with her almost everyday

with school and her moving to my aunts house we barelly talked since but still shes my grandma she just existed since ever, i was the youngest of all cousins

i know its what happens just feels weird and sad

she lived a long life and wasnt always a good person, we had an ok relashionship sometimes bad mostly good even though im aware she isnt good for everyone and can actually be quite bad but like eh thats fine i guess people are different and some of those are annoying and wahtever we deal and move on

but its weird the whole family being aware idk i mean i think its probably the best option to be aware and start preparing stuff for when grief hits full force its not as hard but i feel unconfortable inside idk

writing this out helped the unconfort ease thats cool

ive been working so much on my relashionship with death, i know its gonna hurt and eventually it will ease and its normal and part of life and instead of like in the days of old where the family cared for the body shell instead go to a funeral home and shell go to the chappel and ill go see her body and its going to smell weird and then ill cry in front of my whole family and village and i dont want them looking at me when it happens but funerals in small places are also social events i guess

life will move on

its fine

the good moments we had were cool and nice to have

cycles repeat humanity renovates itself

and then my parents generation will be the oldest in the family

that i dont like because i wish my mom could live forever with no pain or sufering

but she doesnt want to live forever so well get to that when it happens and i hope its quite a few decades away, i know itll be less decades than average with all her health problems but please let her stay long

my grandma its fine shes lived long and doesnt want to stay anymore, we can say goodbye and let her go

my family on this side will fall apart

i dont like most of them but without grandma and having to look happy for her i think this is the starting point for going no contact with all of them

theyll go to wars over the property

ill eventually have to disown myself but i do hope he gets what he wants, but i know he wont cause my godparents are being assholes

and thats part of what makes it weird i guess, thinking about daily life and planning stuff knowing she wont be around. but its fine, writing is helping me, its not seeming as weird

damn i guess its just because it was a bit unexpected for me

for a while i thought she was faking a few things because shes been like that since ever but it was a peter and the wolf, this time its for real

and like its friday and he told me about this after he came back from work yesterday and i have school work and exams and i have to think about all of that and work when i know this huge thing is about to happen and its going to affect me for a long time? what, thats weird

sigh thats all i guess

ok edit one thing i do still and will continue finding weird is how uni is so fucking stressing and relevant in my life that i kknwo this bad thing is about to happen and i want to be with them and take my time to process but i know i have exams and deadlines and still right before this event i have to plan my work and emails around it wtfffff

[re-pression]

like. i literally used to think i just was under-sensitive and fucked up in some way where i needed insanely intense stimulation to get off. but. after climbing over the hurdle of being comfortable with Any amount of intimacy with my girlfriend because being any amount of sexually intimate after realizing she like. genuinely cares about me and wants me to feel safe and respected and will never push my boundaries and actually not only desires me physically but also uhhhh Wants to make Me Feel Good???? literally sent me into a panic for Months 🤪🤪🤪 even tho we had literally had sex a few times before we started dating but i had no idea i was actually legitimately safe in the relationship lol...... but like. after finally uhhhhh starting to process the fact that despite being Known amongst many of my friends as "the one who is Highly Sexually Active™️ and borders on kind of a manwhore" lol i had. literally never had sex with someone who really loved me,, we have Finally started having sex again and like. it hasnt been objectively very intense at all in comparison to much of the sexual experience ive had in the past but. it's literally never felt like This before..... like shell have me on the edge with just touching me the right way while i used to think i needed At Least a vibrator or some pretty damn significant penetration going on to get that close. and i dont think shes even doing anything particularly Skilled And Strategic™️ or whatever its just..... nobodys ever paid attention to my reactions and my body and taken their time like this before. like i literally cannot think of a single relationship ive had in the past where ive felt so genuinely. desired and loved. i cant think of a partner thats kissed me nearly as much as she does and we really only get to see each other a couple times a week usually. and its just so much stuff that i was looking for for so fucking long but not even really realizing i was missing. like i had Thought ive had pretty healthy and loving relationships before i was just pretty fucked from the couple that went really really badly, but like. im being made to realize that ive never really known what a real relationship was supposed to be at all. and i told myself quite a bit that i might just be acting dramatic about it but my girlfriend keeps telling me like "no ive also had all my relationships end for whatever reason and get my heart broken and feel a uniquely strong love for you too, but the things you tell me about all of your past relationships and how you respond to things that are supposed to be normal and healthy in any relationship tells me youve never really been treated properly as a partner" and like. idk it gives me a sense of. grief? that like...... even the relationship i had for two whole years with my childhood best friend when i was like 17-19 was perfectly Healthy in like. we got along perfectly and we're best friends to this day and we would like cuddle and shit but also, we only had Two sexual encounters during the entire two year relationship (both of which were led by myself and never really reciprocated though done with consent) and i realized i really need sex in a relationship to feel Satisfied and desired enough and we ended things really smoothly after that and like. 1) never felt the desire and passion i was needing and 2) i literally do not Remember at least 95% of it anyways because ive retained very very few memories of that period of my life For Reasons. so its like. i might as well be having my first healthy relationship ever in my entire life after over a decade of either crushing disappointments, relationships completely devoid of love, or literally abuse situations as my entire experience with relationships and the only other sexual experience i was having was sex work. (no shade towards sex work for the record it just definitely had a major impact on my development of a really fucked view of sex and what it should look like in a relationship in my personal life lol)

idk like i just... maybe im jumping the gun here but ive thought about marrying partners before, but i've never been so sure about it. i never want to know life without her in it again. i fear if i lose her, i'll never find someone so loving and gentle and patient ever again. i love her so deeply and feel so much safety and joy when i'm with her that it scares the shit out of me. every part of me shakes with the fear that this is all too good to be true or too good to last. especially as the longer it lasts, the more my brain reminds me that by the time ive gotten this close to someone in the past, we'd have started arguing or something by now. it's so terrifying sometimes. but i can't bring myself to give into the compulsion to self-sabotage and run from it all because it's even scarier to think i'll never get to feel her hold me or kiss me again

[abiik]

could not have literally been a more worse time for tae gu to lose the only family he had. like i get that most of what family month is is just marketing (like valentine's day) and stuff but like when ur a kid and ur growing up, things like that hold a different weight in ur lil world, and that can impact ur adult life even if u do eventually realize how unimportant that holiday is to u.

then he ends up losing hyun ju during the month that may have been the most sensitive time of the year for both of them, where they were almost near constantly reminded that all they had for family was each other: no parents to celebrate on parents day or parents to celebrate them on childrens day. but they had each other! they had each other and that was enough! except now, he's lost her, and for this month, and for all of the upcoming months, he's gotta go through them completely and utterly alone and– [kermit spinning in a bucket dot gif]

[sour-n-salty-citrus]

Do you like the backstory for rick? Idk I kinda preferred it when Rick's past was a complete mystery and i dont really care about diane at all. I didn't expect the writers to actually write a canon for him either but I guess they realised how much the audience wanted one for him

Ajdjdjeidjs ack, I'll be honest I'm not... keen on it.

(Bolly-quinn actually puts it into words well how I feel about Rick's backstory here)

I liked the mystery element of his backstory! I know it's always exciting to have things in canon, but like... it being open to interpretation was something I always appreciated.

And... ugh, hoo boy. I'm torn. I mean, I love that Rick is completely different from what dudebros and like- "high iq" redditors present him as. He's a man who loved his wife and daughter, loved them so much he would rather give up travelling the multiverse, becoming a genius scientist, just to stay with them. He was vulnerable, soft, and caring. He wasn't nihilistic and reckless and selfish and some "alpha male who wouldn't let anything tie him down". He was ridiculously romantic, optimistic, sweet and loving, and maybe even kind.

And I don't give a shit.

I don't! I don't care. This might sound incredibly cruel and unfair, but I don't care that Rick lost his family.

Ok- let me explain.

I'm... disappointed. I'm disappointed that losing Beth and Diane is all it was that made Rick into the complete and utter monster he is today (or the start of the series anyway). I don't mean to undermine his loss and grief- at all! It's just... for him to go on a (seemingly decades long) killing spree, slaughtering any version of himself he seemed to come across... christ. Maybe in his eyes, they were all as bad as that One. Which is understandable. I'm very lucky to have not experienced that kind of loss. I haven't had to Grieve the way Rick did. Maybe I just don't get it, because I've never felt it. That's fair.

It just felt... god, I don't want to say excessive. I know, people process grief in different ways, and for some it manifests in unhealthy ways, some lash out at the world, fixate on trying to find an explanation, to find justice, etc. And I like how Rick was an absolute inconsolable wreck at first. Something like that, it needs time to process and overcome before you can start moving again.

I just- I don't know. Something rubbed me the wrong way about it all.

It's like- it's not that I wanted Rick to have spent all that time partying or something. It's just- argh, i don't know! Maybe someone else can put it into better words lol.

I hate that he immediately jumped into not giving a single shit about other people (save birdperson and squanchy!). Like- when he blew up those aliens who gave him whatever it was he needed. Ah- ok, they probably weren't exactly innocent or anything, but still. I think it was just I felt if we ever saw Rick's backstory, I'd want it to be a slow decline into who he is, show him gradually losing so much of his morality and becoming so jaded. Idk i guess i just wanted it to be like, a series of significant (and lesser but still important) events that lead to him going down that path rather than- this ONE thing that just apparently completely ruined him? And yeah ik ik it was a BIG thing, but like- i guess i was expecting.... more? Maybe something like idk Rick trying to save all the other Beths and Dianes and failing, idk, just... something more.

I actually would have preferred it if Diane lived. I dont know, I just- man I really hate the dead wife/daughter turns ordinary man into callous asshole trope. I agree, it's hard to really care all that much for Diane, and for a while I couldn't understand why. I thought, idk, is it internalised misogyny? Do I just not like Diane because I want to ship Rick with someone else?

I think I get it now. Diane, for all her significance in Rick's backstory, just... isn't a character. She's just- the motivation Rick needed to kick off the story. You could replace her with literally anybody else Rick could have loved and it wouldn't feel any different. She just doesn't feel special. She's no more unique than any other Dead Wife. We get nothing, literally nothing of her. I kept thinking, why? Why does this just not hit that hard? Rick's had emotional moments with Beth, with Birdperson, even with Summer and Jerry. And then I got it- it doesn't feel earned. It felt like how you feel when you see side characters or extras in the background of an action movie die. Maybe some faint sadness, but mainly nothing. We as an audience get nothing from Diane, we don't know her, don't get to see how she matters to Rick, don't get to see her relationship with Rick, we don't get any chance to connect with her character. So when she dies and Rick gets his montage of seeking revenge, it doesn't feel earned. It feels more like I'm being told about how this guy suffered than really seeing it (which i believe, may have been the writers intention actually...). It's kind of like a feeling of "damn that sucks bro... and?". There's no real heavy emotional response that I could really get from it...

I actually would have preferred if Rick and Diane broke up, divorced. I feel like that would offer so much more for them BOTH as chatacters. Instead of their relationship being happy and sunshine and rainbows until a Big Bad came in and took that away, I'd prefer it if Rick's downfall was just... his fault. (Actually His fault.) If his marriage fell apart because he couldn't make it work. If he estranged his daughter because he couldn't properly handle fatherhood, despite loving her. If he was flawed, terribly flawed, because of his own misjudgement and shortcomings. I guess my biggest problem, is that this is presented as someone having the perfect life, which is then taken away as a result of someone Else. It's too easy to then say, oh, it's not his fault he's like that! He had his heart broken, his life ruined! He lost himself in a revenge spree, poor thing... I'd have rathered if it was just a little bit more... realistic? If Rick had been the root cause of his own problems. If he'd experienced tragedy, but also been the cause of much more. I just wish there'd been more of a balance? It just felt so rushed. And not because of the montage- it just like Rick became completely apathetic way too fast. I just hate hate HATE the "he was a good guy with the perfect little life until tragedy struck and he was never the same". Rick never made the effort to improve his life, to do better, to be better. He's actively a cruel, callous, unkind person (complex, yes, but these are traits no one can deny he harbours). He's done far worse than was done to him, and that will never be justifiable to me... it just all feels so very cliche and out of place, and out of everything, this was the one thing I had hoped they wouldn't do.

I think the writers are aware of this, strangely enough. I mean, Rick even calls it his "crybaby backstory". I think they didn't want to leave it open any longer, and just got it out of the way. I don't think they really want to elaborate on it anymore. From what I predict, they want to focus on the here and now of Rick (and Morty, haha), and the development of who Rick is NOW, instead of who he WAS. I think they kind of just went, here's your gut-punch, your tragic backstory, now leave it alone. Diane is dead, Rick had a hard past, the series is about moving on and change. Now can we PLEASE get back to the sci-fi shenanigans?

(There was something I LOVED about the backstory though, and that was the soundtrack! Like the music for the Battle of Bloodridge, it fucking SLAPPPEDDDD. I can't imagine making synthwave emotional, but it actually kind of worked! The swell of the music actually did a lot more for getting a reaction out of me than the content lmaooo. It kind of reminded me of Kurzegast's "optimistic nihilism" for some reason... I actually liked the Bloodridge track so much, it got me a little into synthwave, which i never listened to before! The music producers this season have just KILLED IT!)

[wistfulrat]

this week’s fics • shot: an apocalyptic grief piece with visions of destruction that will haunt the living shit out of you chaser: intimate slice-of-life one shots, fic equivalent of a weighted blanket that will comfort you. it’s called Balance!!

At the end of all things by @quicksilvermaid​ - WIP (currently 68k), E The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are real and Harry starts dreaming of them.

ok i know some of u dont read wips bc u want to be able to read fics start to finish as is ur right. but!! if u ever make an exception goD make it this one. (and little spaces duh). this is not a feel-good fic. harry is reeling from a horrific incident that has upended his entire world. it’s a story about the chaos of loss — the injustice of it, the randomness of it. the first chapter will gut you. but i kept thinking of Yeats’ The Second Coming: “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; / Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, / The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere / The ceremony of innocence is drowned;��� i remember the first time i read those lines and it unnerved me. the shocking weight of grief on both a personal and global scale in this fic is as visceral as that poem. i don’t know how one makes 68k words disappear but it’s the relentless pacing and vivid settings for me (a skill of Q’s that made me love who we are in the shadows). the story never lets harry remain in one place, allowing the reader inside his neurotic processing as he flits across europe, hunting ghosts and leaving pandemonium in his wake. it’s cinematic. the thrill of a chase anchored by horror and nightmarish visions with immaculate world-building. with the four horsemen and secret apocalypse-management societies, there’s this blending of various religious and cultural motifs—like meta narratives stacked on top of each other. every character’s combined attempt to define a pattern, to try and understand something as elusive and violently real as war, death, regeneration, etc. and somehow, in the massive scale of this fic, harry and draco’s lives are circling toward each other. an inevitable collision grounding the story in the emotional tension of their relationship. idk im rambling and describing a dystopian fantasy novel at this point but whatever just fuCking read it. the breadth of this story is wild.

Miscellaneous Oneshots by @lazywonderlvnd - 19k (13 fics total), E Oneshots written mostly on Tumblr and unposted as their own stories. Each individual chapter will contain trigger and content warnings. The chapter names are based on the trope to make it easier to find what you're looking for!

funny how lazywonderland invented range and we all just get to read her stories for free. (i already get so emo thinking about inside your mind and two hours later and petrichor so if u haven’t read those uhh wyd). but these one shots bitch?? hm! my comfort fics. i've read these a million times bc it’s always the correct mix of fuckshit humor, hot sex, and vulnerable intimacy. essential drarry trifecta of establishing tone. idk how ur supposed to fit all that emotional depth in 1k vignettes but im not gonna look a gift horse in the face etc. cant believe we get, among others, himbo harry being stupid and hot. stoner harry being a flirty shit. sex god draco being possessive and scary in a way that short-circuits harrys brain. tender moments of earnest affection as they lie in bed and bare their hidden selves to each other. that's that Good Shit imo.

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[naancydrew]

ranking the nancy drew games based on dead mom content™

you read that right. also spoiler warning obviously

33. ransom of the seven ships  -1/10   no dead mom content. negative bc of the fact that there’s blackface

32-24. stay tuned for danger, message in a haunted mansion, the final scene, secret of the scarlet hand, ghost dogs of moon lake, danger on deception island, the secret of shadow ranch, danger by design, the shattered medallion  0/10  no dead mom content™

23. the captive curse  0/10   no mom mentioned for lukas, is she dead or just somewhere else? we just don’t know.

22-21. secrets can kill, the deadly device  0.5/10  someone is dead but it is not a mom

20. the phantom of venice  .75/10  only a dead husband here...no moms

19. treasure in the royal tower  1/10 no dead mom but there’s dead estranged dad content. was marie antoinette a mom? idk

18. the white wolf of icicle creek  1/10  kinda estranged mom content but shes still alive. yanni’s grandma was killed by wolves if that counts and if he was telling the truth about that.

17. alibi in ashes  2/10  i cant remember if kate is ever mentioned, but just the fact that they’re in river heights and carson is gone and can’t help and she doesn’t have kate to help her out and has to go to her friends....idk hits if u think about it

16. last train to blue moon canyon  3/10  camille hurley was not able to have kids so technically isn’t a dead mom but she had her dolls....still sad as hell

15. curse of blackmoor manor  4/10  we learn about the penvellyn family so of course a family full of dead ancestors is full of dead mothers. one of those dead mothers is the iconic elinor who died from being burned at the stake. also the underlying plot is happening because of, not a dead mom, but a divorce and then new stepmom. lotta mom content in general.

14. the haunting of castle malloy  5/10  fiona’s parents were both killed in an explosion and really messed that girl up.

13. labyrinth of lies 5/10  grigor is an orphan, therefore there is some dead mom content, but its very minimal.

12. midnight in salem   5/10  not a technical dead mom, but dead mother figure with frances tuttle and lauren holt (i think that was their relationship....i played it once and theres not much on the wiki for MID yet) so technically the whole plot is in thanks to it, but i dont remember how much grief there was

11. trail of the twister  6/10  some dead wife content that nancy is an absolute dick about. you read the paper about ma. stop fucking pestering pa.

10. legend of the crystal skull  6/10  we get mr sad boy orphan henry bolet crying at his parents’ crypt. also his mom has the same photo as dr predovicu

9. the creature of kapu cave  7/10  for once we get a hardy asking someone about their dead mom instead of nancy! even tho, no one involved seems too sad about it and is very briefly mentioned. in fact, pua seems kinda happy that it’s just her and her dad so she can just surf all day.

8. ghost of thornton hall  7.5/10  again, dead mom content just because we learn about ancestors. a lotta dead sister/cousin content though. also it really hits you when you’re looking at the dates on the family tree and realize that harper and charlotte’s parents died like 4 years before charlotte died, and then harper and clara were alone except for each other. also the fact that clara’s mother died while she was young and before she ever told her who her father was just to have her new guardians die......rough.

7. secret of the old clock  8/10  woooo!!! another plot caused by a dead mom!!! not at traumatic as haunted carousel, but the culprit posing as your recently deceased mother’s friend is ROUGH. also nancy is actually nice when talking about gloria.

6. warnings at waverly academy  8/10  the twins’ mom dying and dad not knowing how to raise 2 girls causing them to pretend to be one person to get a scholarship and not be put up for adoption is so messy but a very good plot twist

5. tomb of the lost queen  8/10  jamila having a similar experience to nancy, where she thought her mom died in a  car crash, but turns out she was part of something bigger that she follows in her footsteps, KNOWING that it might end in her death too. AND those notes from that first exploration and all of the daughters of nerfertari leaving to find their ultimate dead mom (nefertari) and dying/disappearing in the process....idk it gets me!!

4. sea of darkness  9/10  here we have some primo dead wife action, along WITH the child. extremely sad and gets me absolutely every time i play through it.....the fact that he holds onto it being his fault.... oh my god im getting sad again!!!

3. the haunted carousel  10/10  dead mom content to the MAX. dead dad giving clues to daughter to find the last remaining photo of her dead mother since she burned every image of her after she died and then blacked out the memory. thats some trauma right there. interestingly.... im not sure if we learn her mom’s name even though her plot revolves around remembering her.

2. shadow at the water's edge  11/10  oh yeah theres a dead mom and shes HAUNTING YOU!!! kasumi’s story is so sad and nancy has absolutely no right to be poking into these people’s lives and absolutely deserves every time she gets second chanced because asked the wrong thing about their dead mom. also SO absolutely fucked up that anyone’s boyfriend would go “hmm, i want my sister to quit her job and move to the city with me,... oh yes! i’ll haunt her business with her dead mother. perfect!”

1. the silent spy  10000000/10   the FUCKING ULTIMATE DEAD MOM CONTENT™. nancy suddenly learning that her mother wasn’t just a civilian who died in a car crash and that the people who killed her were now after her??? so juicy. we get carson trying to protect nancy from kate’s fate, we get all those flashbacks, those recordings from revenant, nancy piecing together her mother’s double life that she never knew about... GOD!!!! and yes, i absolutely cry when i read kate’s note to nancy. that shit hits man. also kate writing a song for her and carson and then rewriting it to have a part for nancy in it once nancy was born really gets me too. p.s. moira was in love with kate you can’t convince me otherwise.

well. thanks for taking this journey with me. 

[tragicomedys]

uhmmm gentan

WEOWOEOOOWOOIIEOIFPOPLP

>:) . i love gentan a lot. now im not gonna be able to give a sexy ass nuanced essay like my fellow mutuals do about their pairings but listen . i just think theyre great. i think they complement each other i think they could potentially have been rlly fucking good i think they couldve really been essential figures to the other’s development. notice the word COULDVE because yeah i admit a lot of the pairings i like come from my own perception on how they couldve developed bc like admittedly genya had way more potential and tanjirou as great and fun as he is he literally just stays static thru out the whole manga. except for a couple of small moments. but like other than that hes mr perfect BUT ANYWAY

i think for genyas part its kinda obvious. tanjirou helped him Tremendously through his relationship with his brother & overall was pretty protective over genya n shit. i think tanjirou helps/would help genya gain more confidence overall, especially thinking back to his last moments where he thought of tanjirou and his words to gain, like, the confidence and strength to go through with the mission even tho he was doubting himself. in that way, tanjirou sorta completes genya, like he reminds genya to be kinder to himself and be more confident in himself and etc etc. pretty common tanjirou behavior.

for tanjirous part... their backstories are similar in how they both experienced the deaths of their entire family (in contrast to zenitsu and inosuke, and kinda kanao because her original family’s deaths arent expanded on), but the way each of them took it provided like a backdrop to their characterizations. i know tanjirous own experience with coping and grieving isnt expanded on too much, considering how its shown that he sorta “accepted” the death of his family from the beginning (thinking back to the scene where he held that guys hand & smiled, and even if that wasnt necessarily acceptance we dont REALLY see tanjirou process his past trauma in depth ig), but i think tanjirou in general is someone that would be closed off abt his own grief and pain cuz hes the “older brother” and would naturally hide away anything he thinks would worry and upset others. i mean we already see that in how he didnt tell that little nurse butterfly girl that he had a fever for his sun breathing (self-sacrifical too) and how he was basically kinda like. not expecting to be alive by the time nezuko would become human/theyd defeat muzan (essentially accepted dying when his face got FUCKED up until zenitsu said ur not dead yet buddy; overall he doesnt accept other ppls help easily as he noted how if he were the demon in their situation nobody would help him (i forgot what manga ch that was but he said smth like that) amongst other situations). theres also one of the first demons he fought where he was talking about how as the oldest brother he needs to endure more stuff and pain and whatever whatever u know. so what the fuck im getting at by the end of all of this is that i just think as genya could develop into being more confident n sortaaaa pushy (i feel like hes naturally pushy with basically anybody except his brother and tanjirou LMFAO) and could like, help tanjirou express his feelings in its entirety more freely yknow, like both the good and the bad. like i mentioned with why im not really into inotan / zentan (like that i feel like tanjirou would always feel the need to look over them n honestly can u blame him ? theyre Crazy) but i like gentan bc i feel like they could naturally become more equal in a sense when it comes to how they balance each other out. genya could've possibly been a character to help tanjirou through his own grief that he’s internalizing and couldve been someone tanjirou could relax around and not feel the need to look over... IFFFFF AND ONLY IF his character was expanded on/didnt die that quickly n early or whatever.

I think that kinda dynamic would also work out bc of how genya couldve possibly been feeling towards his brother growing up, just watching him from a distance and wanting to help him but not being able to do anything. and his guilt when he accused sanemi would just be insurmountable. so what im getting at is that i feel like genya wouldnt want that to happen, like, again, and thats why i think he’d actually take action when he grew to be more of a risk-taker and would try 2 actually make tanjirou open up yknow. bc again tanjirou upholding his “oldest bro” title wouldve taken a toll on him if u ask me. that whole vision of himself would logically lead to a lot of bottling up of emotions. i know genya tried making that right and tried helping his bro by like, becoming a demon slayer, but again i just can see genya and tanjirou having that sorta relationship.

ANYWAY. again i do acknowledge that like, for the most part ive probably filled up parts of their personalities bc i think the both of them had more potential/couldve been developed more like i just view it sorta as a flaw how static tanjirou is and how short genya’s time was. it’s definitely possible and likely that i interpreted some scenes in a very diff way compared to others, and i mightve interpreted their characterizations differently than watever other people. but like in my big dumbo brain theyre gay theyre fun they would love eahc other 2 death they would have a lotta fun together and BLAH BLAH ! but besides the “analysis” i jusyt gave on them i just thikn theyd be awesome. mr “i thought he’d talk to me since we were both in the nude” tanjirou kamado. the way genya and tanjirou have blushed @ each other many times WOUGJOUIHJ. the way they give each other strenght . the way genya protected him in battle and thought of him during his last moments . the way tanjirou is easily impressed (u remember when he was like WOAH SO COOL about mitsuri n stuff and genya was just like ... :| ) so i just think its funny if tanjirou thought genya was cool like . .it’s genya LFMREI9WODJFSLK. i know every other person tanjirous age is like in love with him but whatevrr tanjirou would crush on my homeboy genya 🙄 . iwas gonna say something else but i totally just forgot

in conclusion they should kiss just cuz i said so or what ever idk 

[lmr-lea]

idk whats the real purpose behind this text but i feel like there are some things that i just have to say in order to not fall apart rn. yesterday i cried, at some point it just hit me out of the blue and i started crying - unconditionally and without a reason. afterwards i cried some more - stayed up until 4 am and cried even more after that. everything crashed down at once, job, university, me manipulating all my relationships until i pushed everyone away. i never really gave myself time to process and to think about everything that happened during this, or even last year, i‘ve always been a rly private person (outside of this acc🤣).

i’ve always loved love - because i love so deeply, because i care so mutch abt people who care so little. my expectations of people fucked me up over and over again. i held people up while i was at my lowest.

last night i prayed, i turned all the lights down and kneeled in front of my bed. eyes closed. i enjoyed the 20 minutes of silence. and after i finished i came to the conclusion that its me. even tho its hard to really let shit like this sink in, its always been me. i manipulate every relationship i have / have had over the past years because i always felt like i haven’t been enough. whenever someone treated me right i got scared and ran away. whenever someone cared about me i thought their unloyal to me out of my toxic experiences during the past.

the fact that im going to be alone for the next 4 weeks (work usw. is shut down due to corona issues) scares the fuck out of me.

i dont even know what is going on right now but ist so fucking much that i dont even know what im crying abt no more.

its the guy thats not texting back, its the feeling that nobody gives a fuck abt me, its me not knowing whether i can or cant aford another month at my university. right now its everything.

last night i deleted every fake account on instagram (i dont even know why i had them in the first place), and im going to delete snapchat and twitter too- which might sound stupid to some of you is the only possibility for me to stay sane right now. there is so much grief and pain in my heart right now and i dont know where its coming from. im trying to give love everyday but it feels like the barrel has finally overflowed. right now should be about me and about me only. i know what i want. i just dont know how to get it rn - everyone teaches you how to love but nowbody teaches you how to let go. thats where my focused should be at right now.about letting go. about finding myself in all the places people left me in during the past years. everybody knows that my mental healt never been the most stable thing in the world. thats why im so scared. im scared to let go. im scared to leave the things behind that i love because if we dont have love, what do we have? i love oversharing because i wanted to be seen, i wanted to be noticed. right now all i want is peace and it seems like i lost it- i cant find it in my books, my paintings or crafting no more. i cant find it in my music or poetry anymore. i crave the deepest connections with people but im to scared to let anyone in. i want to be loved but i can’t accept love when i receive it. as i said i dont know what the purpose of this was. big thanks to everyone who took the time to read this nonsense. even bigger thank to those of you who took the time to understand my words. you are incredibly loved. please dont ever forget that. may you protect ur peace at all costs. may god keep all of you safe. love always

[gaycharr]

Stages of Grief

A bit different than my usual writing style i think, just a quick(ish) thing. Do the stages of grief apply to a life? When you lose your way, that is also a sort of grief, is it not ?

Vetrius and, in a way, resolutions. Initially inspired by @tyrias-library ‘s resolutions prompt but idk if it follows that theme enough to still count 

warning for themes of depression and talk of suicide

Shock and Denial

Childhood is innocent, yes, but at what point does that naivete start to change into a painful awareness of those around you? Vetrius could pinpoint the exact moment.

She’d never given much thought to her own image until here. She was happy, and sociable. She enjoyed chatting with the others in her Fahrar and never thought twice about offering a hand to another.

It seemed this very thing was what would bring her new revelation around. Practicing in the yard (swords today) after a heavy rain. When her sparring partner slipped backwards, falling heavily to the ground as their sword thudded away, there was no hesitation on her end. She dropped her sword, stepped forward to offer her hand to her friend, and froze at the look on their face.

They sneered up at her angrily, eyes glittering. Vet felt numb as they slapped her paw from them and scrambled to their paws themself. She didn’t react even as the smaller cub shoved at her shoulders, making her take a step back as she blinked at them, still processing.

“Burn it! You’re so...so..SOFT! Can’t you just be normal?” The other cub hissed at her before stalking away. Vet felt her ears burning under the weight of the stares of the others. Her stomach churned. How had she missed this? Now that she looked, she noticed the pattern of slit gazes and twitching tails. How bodies angled from her and the line of the shoulders grew tense and flat.

Vet clenched her fangs. No, no, this was fine. This was normal. Nothing had happened.

Pain and Guilt

In the wake of her newfound hyper vigilance of others, Vetrius seemed to see evidence of her wrongness everywhere. Always too ready to offer a smile, to compromise, to lend a hand. These came naturally to her, but now it was soured by the jarring realization that these weren’t strengths, but weaknesses. It sat heavy within her, writhing and occasionally growing overwhelming and clawing up her throat.

At night she curled up on her bunk in a tight ball hugging her knees to her chest, tail wrapped around her. She clenched her teeth against the cresting waves of despair within her, clawed at the sheets in the breathless pain of emotion. What had she done to be so alone?

Anger 

Slowly, so slowly, Vet’s pain and despair started to boil into anger. Why was it so hard for others to just accept each other, to be kind? Why was SHE the odd one out, for having fucking compassion? How dare she give a shit, how dare they treat her like this!

She withdrew ever further within herself. No longer attempting to bridge the gap between her and others, what was the point, she didn’t matter to them and she didn’t want to. No longer was she content either, to ignore snide remarks made against her, and her claws and fangs became ready to bear as she growled back.

She thought it was ironic, in a blood boiling way, how before she was too soft, but now she seemed too harsh, too prickly. The others avoided her now, not out of second hand embarrassment but out of a sort of discomfiting fear that the dog they’d beat might bite back now. She felt too big in her fur these days, felt as if she was always clenching her fangs against something- she didn't know what, just that it would be horrible to unleash.

Wasn’t she perfect now though? She thought with a snarl. Big and angry and ready to fight. 

(and Bargaining)

She didn’t need them to accept her though. She could just- run away. Start a new life.

This thought manifested in different ways, but quickly took a turn for unhealthy. To fantasize of a new life is okay, but not when you stray into the territory of ‘can i just die now so i can have a new life’. The thought turned into claws over skin, an increasing recklessness with herself, an always prickling sense of being prepared for a fight against her peers.

And then it happened. A heavy storm that her band was caught in, trekking back home after some field practice. Heavier than normal. Vet foolishly remarked this out loud, and instantly remembered herself as another scoffed. “Scared of a little water?” was the sneered reply.

Vet felt her fur grow hot, start to bristle at the shoulders. Felt that ugly something rear up in her, ready to bite. And just as she opened her mouth, a flash of lightning blinded her. In the receding bright and boom of thunder, they all stared in shocked awe as a large portal opened in front of them.

Instantly her band began to bicker about what to do. Vet felt her anger fade as she considered. “We should go back and tell the others, see what they want to do about this.” It seemed sensible to her, what were they gonna do, step through it? Nothing else to do but find someone who could at least take a proper look.

Except- to her band- it translated into cowardice, a want to leave the situation and have someone else handle it. “You would say that! Hah! Why dont you just run along for us, we’ll stay here and do the hard work.” And suddenly the anger was back and boiling up and finally, Vetrius could no longer bared it. 

It radiated off her, heavy and palpable, and even the storm seemed to quiet as everyone hushed and stared at her, waiting for the wave to crest. Her clenched fists trembled, blood mixing with the rain where her claws dug into her own skin.

She thought about turning around. Though about ripping into every single one, fighting until they had no choice but to admit that she was Strong, Stronger than them even. Distantly, breathlessly, and almost furiously disappointed in herself for it, she knew that she wasn’t going to do that.

Instead, she took a deep breath, and stepped through the portal. She would have a new life, one way or another.

Depression

The mists were unlike anything Vetrius had ever thought to expect. They were...ineffable, indescribable, in a way that sometimes struck an odd chord of nostalgia within her.

They were dangerous too, she quickly learned. When she first stepped into the mists from the portal, still  dripping with rain water as it snapped shut behind her, she’d felt only a numb angry sort of joy. She’d stuck it to them! Except...what now?

Time passed, or at least Vetrius thought it did. It was hard to tell, some areas seemed to lack any sort of sun or moon even. She could measure it only by her hunger, which stopped being effective as she slowly began to starve, the small meals she was able to catch not quite enough.

Often she could feel the weight of a gaze on her, or would snap her head around looking for the source of an imagine whisper. She must be going crazy. She must be dying. The thought came almost as a relief to her. Or...she wanted it to be a relief, so she refused to admit that it wasn’t.

She struggled on and on and on. The worse her shape became, the more she struggled, the more the panic within her started to rise. Her admittance was just on the tip of her tongue but still she couldn’t let it out.

It was in the dead of night. She’d come across some berries and, starving, had eaten them. It was the wrong choice, she could feel her stomach rolling. By the time the cold sweat of fear had reached her, she knew it was too late, whatever she had eaten was undeniably poison and finally she was faced with the reality that she was going to die, possibly any moment.

Her limbs began to tingle, her vision growing hazy. She shook her head dizzily, trying to stay in focus. Her breaths came in harsh pants. And finally, FINALLY, her realization hit her in a bright burst of light.

(the upward turn)

She...she didn’t want to die! She could feel the thought fill her, breaking through the walls she’d built against her own self. She didn’t want to die, she wanted to live! She WANTED to live.

Her teeth creaked as she clenched them, heaving breaths through her nose desperately as she crumbled but suddenly unwilling to give up. 

But it was too late, wasn’t it? Her arms shook, her mouth watered sickeningly. And- and-

Her vision was growing bright, so bright! She could barely see through the blinding light now. She was supposed to stay AWAY from the light, right? She stumbled back, not realizing that her vision had suddenly cleared, her limbs quickly regaining control.

“Be not afraid.” The voice sounded amused, and comforting. Vet could taste a spring breeze, despite the dusty crumbling walls of some mist castle around her. The light started to recede, and finally Vet realized that she wasn’t going to die, actually.

She looked up at the being of light, and it caused a weird feeling to squirm through her.  Vet was kneeling, she realized, looking up at this angel (what else could it be?) with teary eyes. The Angel extended a hand down to her, the limb solidifying within the fluctuating light.

Unthinking, Vet blinked away her tears as she reached up, took the hand, and allowed herself to be pulled to her feet.

Reconstruction 

“You want to leave this place.” Hearing Angel’s voice wasn’t always a common thing. Even now that they had learned some of their bond, Angel usually spoke through impressions of emotions or flashes of images in Vet’s mind.

Vet faltered. Much time had passed now, Vet was positive. She wasn’t a cub anymore. After Angel saved her, the two had just seemed to be entwined. Their bond wasn’t an instant thing after that, but it grew quickly as Angel followed and watched over Vet. The two grew together, and it was...nice, despite it all, Vet thought at least. She’d had a lot of growing to do, she’d realized.

Vet hadn’t had a home in a long time, but this place still wasn’t it. If Angel had asked before now, the fear of facing reality might have driven Vet to deny the statement, but intuitive as their connection was now she must have sensed that Vet was ready  to face these issues.

Acceptance and Hope

Vet didn’t vocally accept, but Angel’s presence brightened at the responding emotion of agreement and acceptance reflected from Vetrius. And excitement, even. 

A part of Vetrius felt terrified, as Angel steered her towards a portal that would spit her back out into Tyria after so long. But it was overpowered by the thrill of hope running through her.

She’d gone through so much, but she’d also learned so much. She was ready to accept the pain she’d been through: in her childhood, in the mists, the pain she may yet be to face. As long as she keeps growing, she’ll be okay. 

[spelviin]

endgame thoughts, not because i think i have anything valuable to say abt it, more just bc i want to get my initial unsullied opinions out before various overly nitpicky or overly praisy internet thinkpieces come around

okay so. first of all, i’m tired to death of the way folks talk about the mcu. like, it’s either a godly feat of everything and the most important thing ever or the literal devil incarnate and the source of all evil in this world. i am literally so fucking bored of both these perspectives and have zero time for either of them. 

yes, the mcu is emblematic of a lot of problems in the current state of the film medium as a whole. yes, it is also a really cool feat of storytelling that a whole bunch of movies spanning a whole bunch of years could all come together and culminate in a big huge blowout finale. yes, it could have been far better, but yes, it also could have been far worse. 

i wasn’t a fan of thor being a punchline in this film. like, the whole “lol thor fat” thing was like, really tired and not cool. and the fact that his genuine moments of expressing grief and the significant trauma he’s been through were played off for laughs more often than not bc “lol thor supposed to be big many man but he’s crying like a wimpyboy instread.” like, fucking please. it’s 2019 and other male characters were allowed to be shown crying and processing their trauma but thor’s??? not allowed for some reason??? anyway they did him dirty in this movie and i’m not super pleased abt that. 

i didn’t like that they fridged natasha. i’m not a fan of scarjo so much these days, but i did like natasha. 2012 me adored her and was 100000% behind her as the Only Woman (despite being miffed that she was the Only Woman) and i really liked her character and redemption arc through the films that she appeared in. and like, i get the justification for fridging her. like i get that she was this assassin who killed a bunch of folks and in the end, not only wiped out the red in her ledger, but saved the whole damn universe in doing so. i get that. i’m just annoyed that they literally went and fridged the Only Woman to give the boys manpain before the third act. 

speaking of the ladies.... the One Scene Where Women Get To Do Things. my god. the critical feminist part of my mind greatly resented the obvious lip service of that scene, and the fact that the ladies only got the one shining moment before we got back to the sausage fest. but lord, the lesbian part of my mind hella enjoyed it. like i was legit bouncing in my seat like YESSSS FUCK EM UP LADIES i was just completely stoked. 

and my god. MY GOD CAN WE TALK ABOUT CAROL’S HAIRCUT AKA A GIFT TO THE LESBIANS. THIS MOVIE HAS MANY SINS BUT WE CAN ALL THANK IT FOR THAT HAIRCUT. (and again, feminist me is like, hey, dont focus on her appearance, focus on the important shit she did in singlehandedly turning the battle around for everyone, but lesbian lizard brain is hhhhhhhhhhhhh girl hot)

anyways. 2012 me was a month out of a major jaw surgery when i saw the first avengers, puffy faced, on heavy painkillers, and unable to eat any solid foods, and just generally weak and miserable. i dragged myself to the theatre and i smiled the whole way through that movie bc even though i was feeling super shitty, that 360 shot of the team made me so excited and happy. so happy that i watched and rewatched a bootleg download over what was probably the worst summer of my life, and it made me happy and gave me hope, dumb as that may sound. 

i havent watched the first avengers movie in a long time, and i’m not sure if i’d feel the same way seeing it now. remembering how it felt then still makes me happy, but seeing that same 360 shot repeated in endgame didnt stoke much emotion. tumblr fandom took a lot of my avengers joy away. the drama and character hate and constant complaining and cringe culture bullshit exhausted me. and the recent turns of the mcu also contributed to that. a lot of things contributed to it, i guess. but i dont feel as happy as i once did. so a lot of this movie rang a little bit hollow, needless to say. 

that being said, though, i did feel a little flicker of that joy. for all the movie’s and the franchise’s faults, of which there are many, i can say that the moment where all those portals opened up and the revived characters stepped though, i felt that happiness again. i legit almost cried when i saw shuri’s silhouette step out of that circle. that moment when the score came in with that booming version of the avengers theme, i was 2012 me again, just for a moment, and i think that’s worth something. to me, that’s worth something. so for all its sins, i thank the movie for that. 

this is rly rambly and im tired so im just gonna say 2 more things. things i’m not personally super invested in, but other people are, and so i feel i need to have an opinion on em.

first is bucky. i fucking adore him, and i am kinda miffed that he got like, no interactions with steve. i know steve/peggy is the canon ship, i knew it was always endgame (heh) and that stucky is just a fandom thing. but god damn it, even if they were never gonna have their relationship go there (which tbh i literally never even came close to expecting to happen) it still feels a little bit unfair to have steve basically ignore probably the most important person in his life. like, i know he wanted to live his happy straight life with peggy, and passing on the shield and identity of captain america to sam is super important, and i loved that moment and would never begrudge him that bc i adore sam. i was just... really sad that bucky had to get kinda shafted for that. (literally all i was saying in the last half hour was “but where’s bucky? but what about bucky?” our boy deserved better. 

second is tony. tony tony tony. i know folks have a lot of strong feelings about him, both ways. i know of folks who think he’s the scum of the earth for some dumb reason, and i personally know others who think the entire mcu should revolve around him, for equally dumb reasons. i’m more neutral. i think he’s a good character who made questionable decisions in the past. i feel for him and his struggles with PTSD. i respect him as a character in-universe and also for what he and RDJ accomplished. like, if he hadn’t hit it out of the park with that first movie like a fucking decade ago, none of this would have been possible, and i think that’s pretty damn cool, regardless of feelings on the monster juggernaut the mcu has turned into. basically, i know some folks are maliciously rejoicing at his death while complaining that he got a hero’s send-off when he is a Bad And Not Morally Pure Man, which is. boring. and other people (namely one who i know personally in my family) who are mad because he is an Angel and deserved the Best Happy Ending Because No Bad Things Are Allowed To Happen To This Perfect Boy. i’m not here for either opinion. i’m okay that he died (peter crying over him did get to me in a huge way, but i think tom holland just has a power that if he’s crying, i’m crying so idk). i think it’s cool that he got to save everyone and got a heroic and well deserved send off. this isnt a revolutionary opinion i just wanted to throw it out there bc im bored with the polarization. 

and... yeah? i think that’s it? sorry, im really tired and this probs doesn’t make sense but i just felt like i had to get the initial reactions and feelings down before the thinkpieces get to me lmao. 

oh, also nebula deserved better 2kforever i just love her a lot and want her to be happy and not suffer, kthxbye