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whaleofatjme1920 · 3 years

Note

Oh god please, more cheating and angst (hoodie? Tim? 👀👀👀) Idk u just write it so good and my aching heart feels better oddly because of it. I fuckn love angst djsjsjjdjdjd

Full Moon and Being A Horrible Person

[Masky X F!Reader]

[Warnings: language, physical cheating]

[AN: i love angst too]

The full moon makes us do weird things, it’s been well documented. From the people bouncing off the walls to inducing labor, all the way to making us make questionable decisions, the full moon is to blame, not him.

It was a full moon when he caught the eyes of a woman with dark, sweet chocolate colored eyes. She looked so beautiful under the lights of the bar, yellow illuminating her skin like it was gold.

She’d been flirting with him across the bar the entire night. Wry smiles, tapping her fingernails against the glass, twirling her dark hair and giggling when he caught her eyes and by extension, her attention.

“You know Reader isn’t gonna be happy with your behavior,” Hoodie had lightly chided him before downing more of his beer. “Why don’t you let me take over? I haven’t-”

“No,” Tim laughed, pushing at his best friend’s shoulder. “It’s harmless flirting,” he finished, watching Hoodie’s expression from the corner of his eye.

“If Reader was doing this, would you consider it harmless flirting?”

Kate excused herself from her conversation with one of the ladies from the booth behind the table she and her group shared, then turned her attention to her group leader. “He has a point,” she said, grinning when Hoodie leaned over the table to high-five her.

Tim rolled his eyes and began to lazily swish his drink. “It’s nothing, I promise.”

“You mean to say you haven’t emptied your balls in a few weeks and you’re desperate,” Hoodie deadpans, breaking his blank expression when Kate loudly laughs.

“Again, he has a point,” Kate smirked. “C’mon, let Hoodie or Toby take this one. Neither of them are in relationships and are less likely to get attached.”

Tim raises a brow at Kate. “Attached? What does that mean?”

Hoodie shares a look with the woman across from him who nods at him to explain what exactly she means. “She uh,” Hoodie awkwardly sips at his beer before biting the bullet completely. “C’mon man, you have an addictive personality. Pills, cigarettes, Reader…” He trails off before Tim hisses and punches Hoodie’s shoulder, roughly. Hoodie only barks a laugh and raises his hand up in submission. “I’m right, I’m always right!” He manages to choke out through remaining giggles.

“Can we just drop it for now?” Tim growls.

Kate rolls her eyes and then pulls a face to Hoodie, who stifles his laughter just barely before she turns back to her conversation with the ladies from the booth behind her. She’s up and out of her seat following a group of them to the other side of the bar, giggling and laughing as a woman with short pink hair holds her hand and weaves her through the crowds.

Hoodie feigns innocence before standing up. “I’m gonna find Tobes, who knows what he’s doing. Tearing up the dance floor, maybe?”

Tim watches as his best friend shuffles out from his seat, beer still in hand as he disappears into the sea of people. He sighs and crosses his arms over his chest. His dark eyes scan the bustling room full of bright, rainbow colored strobe lights and too loud music only to catch a glimpse of the full moon outside. It’s tinged pink, and seems to blossom the longer he looks at it. Due to where they’re currently at in the city, he can’t see the stars - much too much light pollution. A sigh is about to escape his lips when he feels a hand brushing over his, pulling him from the light of the full moon and onto the woman he’d been flirting quietly with all night.

“Never thought I’d get you alone,” she says, voice sweet like honey and smoother than silk.

Tim thinks about his words, his group’s chiding before mentally shrugging off all responsibilities. “I know, right?” He replies, voice low and deep, something charming and sweet.

She grins like the Cheshire Cat before playfully biting her lip. “I’m just passing through here,” she begins, “maybe we could… Have a few more drinks then head back to my hotel room?”

Tim feels a slight blush come to his cheeks before swallowing it back down. He smirks, leaning into her presence. “I’d love nothing more.”

The two of them knock back a few more drinks, the woman mostly choosing fruity things and Tim sticking to whiskey. Their touches become more and more bold, and their words more lusty and obscene by the moment. He has her sit on his lap and he whispers all the nasty things he wants to do to her and she gobbles it up, giggles and soft licks to the shell of his ear driving him up a wall.

And then, he follows her to her hotel. It’s a tangle of lips smashing against lips, hearts beating in sync and hands grabbing in the most inappropriate of places. Her clothes lie on the floor before getting covered up by his, her body following in suit.

Tim takes her. He drinks her in full and has her seeing the stars that were once only gazed upon by you. He touches her in ways you’ve never been touched and allows her to touch him in ways he’d always claimed were ‘too much’ for him.

When the deed is done, he’s cuddling her much like he would cuddle you, cigarette in his mouth and bliss on his face.

Tim stayed the night.

The next morning, he’s so groggy that he doesn’t even realize he’s still got her lipstick stains on his skin. He gets back in his car (failing to realize his group had to either walk back to the temp or hitch with someone else), and heads back to the only true home he’d ever considered.

It’s a few hours to your place, but he makes it, and that’s all that matters. Your car isn’t in the driveway, so he lets himself in. A quiet stumble to the bathroom and he sees he looks like a mess. The weight of what he did to you begins to sink in.

Tim turns the shower on and strips off his clothing - the clothes still linger with her perfume before he hops in and begins to furiously scrub at his skin. Tears well in his eyes. How could he do that to you? What kind of common sense was he lacking in that moment?

He continues to scrub, slowly coming to the realization that he’s going to do whatever it takes to hide this from you - you can never know. It was the light of the full moon, people always act crazy when the moon is in that phase, and he was drunk, like really drunk.

Excuses, excuses.

The water stops right when he hears the front door open. He hears your voice. You’re greeting him sweetly, like you always do.

He takes in a deep breath. You can never know.

It was only inevitable that you’d find out, though he’s surprised you went as long as you did without knowing. Tim hid it from you for months, and he probably could’ve kept it longer if he didn’t come with you to Target when you asked. You’d always been a fan of late night store runs, and he hadn’t gone on one with you in a while… What harm could it possibly do?

A lot. A lot of harm that surfaced the truth.

“I should’ve cuffed you when I had a chance!” The woman giggled as she came up beside you as you looked at the early Halloween decorations.

You raised a brow. “Excuse me?” You looked over to your boyfriend, whose face had gone pale. “I think you have the wrong…”

“You’re a lucky girl, y’know that?” She continued, brushing off your words. “He took me to the moon.” Her voice was so sultry and decadent. “Hope he takes you to the moon as well,” she says, her fingers trailing Tim’s arm.

He pulls away from her. “W...Who are you?” He says, attempting to sound confused.

The woman pulls a face before looking in between the two of you, her dark eyes glancing and putting together the pieces. Instead of being embarrassed or ashamed, she chuckles and begins to take off again. “I did you a favor, honey,” she calls over her shoulder, hips swaying as she turns down another aisle.

You don’t want to admit it, but now you know why Tim’s been so weird lately and nicer than usual. Sure, Tim is a sweet guy, but his behavior the past few months has been OVERLY nice, and now you know why. “What was that?” You ask, eyes narrowing and tears welling.

“Nothing, let’s just pay and get out-”

“I wanna go home.”

Tim moves to rest his hand on your shoulder, but you recoil as if you’d been burned.

A huge argument ensued when the two of you got back into the car, lots of harsh words were traded. He tried reasoning with you, he tried telling you how much he loved you, he tried everything in his power but he’d ruined a good thing.

You ended up pulling over on the side of the road, slamming the breaks, tears in your eyes and turned to him. “Give me the key to my house.”

“What? No-”

“Give. Me. The. Key. Tim,” you hiss, punctuating every word with stronger venom. You held your hand out.

Tim sighs deeply and reaches into his pocket, pinching the bridge of his nose as you harshly snatch the key from his awaiting hand. “It’s not like that, you know I love you-”

“Is that what you’re calling it? Cheating on me and then lying about it for months?” You rhetorically ask, growling and seething further and further. You feel rage wracking your system as it exhausts you further and further. You can’t bring yourself to look into his eyes, because if you do, you’ll melt.

“I’m telling you, it was to protect you,” he attempts again. “Let’s just, let’s just go home and-”

“Get the fuck out of my car,” you say, drawing in every remaining and residual strength you have as hot tears scald your cheeks.

“You don’t mean that-”

“I do.”

“Reader, baby please-”

“Get the fuck out of my car,” you repeat. You squeeze your eyes shut, shake your head and then turn back to the road. “Do it before I do something stupid.”

Tim feels his heart shatter, cracking on impact as it falls deeper and deeper. He shakily runs his fingers through his hair before sliding out of your car, slamming the door shut and watches as you drive off and out of his life. He wants to scream, or cry, maybe both at the same time? He’s not entirely sure yet. He just knows his world is crashing down and there’s nothing he can do about it.

He betrayed your trust and broke your heart all for one singular night of passion.

The emotionally distraught man looks up at the moon, finding no solace that it’s full again.

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arhvste · 4 years

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Your writing? *chefs kiss* I wanted to know if you do head canons and if so could u possibly do Kageyama and Akaashi reacting to their girlfriend coming home from school crying 🥺 💕 If not don't worry thank you 💗

stop flirting with me my heart can’t handle 😼🙈✨

and yes i do headcanons i’m so glad u asked!!

KAGEYAMA AND AKAASHI REACTING TO THEIR S/O RETURNING FROM SCHOOL CRYING

KAGEYAMA

so homeboy comes home for volleyball practice sweaty asf

he’s got a good 30 mins before he knows you’ll be done with your study group so he has a shower to cleanse himself from the gross ass sweat

i just KNOW kageyama smells manly like idk how to explain it like a comforting manly smell

but anyways once he’s washed himself and is back to smelling gorgeous he puts a plain white t shirt and grey sweatpants on as he patiently awaits his pretty girlfriends return

SLAM

kags is shook at the sudden slam of the front door

nobody slams kageyama’s door and gets away with it 😠

he’s ready to call you a boke when he hears u trudge up the stairs

3... 2... 1... “Y/N you bo-“

low and behold there stands a sniffling Y/N with tears dripping down her cheeks

“i-i’m sorry t-tobio -i didn’t m-mean to -“

kags cuts u off when he makes his way over to u and pulls u into his chest

kageyama gives good hugs i don’t make the rules

he was defo stiff at first but after months of dating he’s used to having you within arms reach and now gives u such warm and secure hugs

“don’t worry about it just tell me what’s wrong”

he’s stroking your hair as you silently cry into his chest making his fresh t shirt damp

#Finthechatforthefreshtshirt

he guides you to his warm bed and y’all get cosy in it

y’all are NOT doing the nasty 👺

at least not yet 😼

your crying calms down as your pretty boyfriend plays with your hair as you’re cuddled up to his strong chest

kags is such a softie for you

only has a soft spot for you in fact

simp for Y/N only

when you stop crying and you’re reduced to a few sniffles and dried tears kageyama will ask you what’s wrong again

since you’re in a much clearer state of mind you tell kags you’ve just had a bad day

forgot your homework and your bitchy teacher gave you a hard time

you didn’t have time to eat lunch because you had an essay due for the next class and you didn’t have time to write it last night because your club had overrun

you had got a below average mark on your history test which frustrated you because you knew you put revision into it

and you had a headache by the end of the day and your study group talking over each other was the last straw

kageyama is listening intently playing with your soft hair and stroking your cheek delicately

when you’re done venting he pulls you back into his chest and pressed a soft kiss to the top of your head

“don’t worry you’re here now with me and i’ll help you with any work if you want”

LMAO he is the LAST person who should be helping with work when his brain only functions when it comes to volleyball

but you find him cute for offering anyway as you shake your head and explain you were back on track after your stroke of bad luck today

soft night in with milk man

you take a shower and put on some of his clothes before joining him back in bed

lots of cuddles and movie watching

he’s giving you soft butterfly kisses throughout the evening

“i love you Y/N and i’m always here when you need me”

AKAASHI

finally 5pm akaashi is free from bokuto

not to say he doesn’t like bokuto but akaashi can’t catch a break from the loud ace between the hours of 7am - 5pm on most days

some days they would spend time together outside of school which would lead the setter to be even more drained not that he minded

bokuto likes to call akaashi in the mornings to keep him focused on getting ready for the day

n e ways

your stunning mans enters your house because he has a spare key

your parents gave it to him because they’re in love with him??

first dinner meeting the parents and they were already insisting you marry the boy asap

“Y/N you home?”

he knows ur at home because ur shoes are there

it’s still polite to check he thinks

he makes his way to your bedroom and enters expecting to see his loving girlfriend on her phone or on her bed watching something

but what he’s met with is a teary eyed Y/N curled up into a ball

“oh darling!”

listen akaashi calls you darling i’m taking no criticism on this

darling and princess are a favourite of his

especially in the bedroom

he’s right by your side

you look up and immediately the water works are off

“shhh shhh it’s okay i’m here my love”

you’re crying into his shoulder as he’s crouched next to your bed

he stands up as you move up on your bed so there’s room for him

akaashi has a toned chest but it’s also comfortable to lay on and you’re doing just that

honestly i’m jealous of u getting to lay on his god sculpted chest 😔✊🏽

you don’t say anything yet just small hiccups coming from you as you calm back down

akaashi is drawing small circles on your back and pressing kisses to the top of your head

he loves doing this because he loves the way your hair smells

the vanilla scent calms him tf down

you begin to muffle into his shirt

“what’s that darling i can’t hear you properly?”

“i don’t even know why i’m upset. just one of those days.”

akaashi doesn’t care he’s a simp for you and will do anything to make his precious girlfriend smile

he’s giving you soft kisses and drying your eyes

mutters small professions of love to you making you giggle

“there’s that radiant smile my princess.”

you’re smiling properly at him now

the rest of the night is peaceful

he cooks you dinner and the two of you are watching conspiracy documentaries

bokuto even facetimes y’all to check you’re okay after he noticed you looking a little down earlier

we stan a considerate friend 😼

you fall asleep limbs entangled with akaashi’s feeling so much better and waking up with a clearer head

honestly 36/10 boyfriend would recommend

this turned out a lot longer than i thought it was gonna be im sorry 😳

hope this was still okay tho <3

requests are still open!

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #akaashi scenarios #akaashi keiji #akaashi x reader #headcanons #haikyuu headcanons #kageyama scenarios #kageyama tobio #kageyama x reader #requested

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dashielldeveron · 4 years

Text

Viper VIII: Inter Vivos

*author slaps bumper sticker across ass that reads I BREAK FOR QUARANTINE*

Summary: You have a thought that only Steve Urkel and black-out drunks can have: did I do that?

Warnings: swears, the law. Murder/death. Stupid internet comments.

Show (3719) Comments on “There is Nothing New Under the Sun, But You Are New in Your Conglomeration.”

skellingtonbabey: thanks for putting all of the *gestures vaguely* into historical context. no one’s ever bothered to explain this shit to me, especially in such simple and thorough language. it’s like every other resource i try to learn from is stylistically designed to make me more confused.

readyplayer69: Just because it’s from the 60s and is racist doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have intrinsic value based on the goal towards which it was working. You’re a fucking lunatic. I have a degree in political science, so I know what the fuck I’m about. Though some of the protests may have excluded the minorities you’re talking about, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t ultimately working towards good fucking policies for everyone involved. It’s not like they were doing anything important then anyway; white people had to be the mouthpiece for…Read More

volcanolesbian: bro have u seen the incels freaking out over this???? it got linked in their cursed forum and they SO BADLY wanted u 2 hate women now. like you can regress from being a feminist once you’ve woken up. they’re giving u shit bc you called out the racist terrorists who were active in their community lmao. i can post screenshots if u want. But bruv it’s like they haven’t read anything you’ve written before lol

mozARTsexandviolins: I get when you say that ingenuity spawns ideals for the greater good, but don’t you think tradition has its place? How do we know if the new can spawn the greater good? How do we judge ourselves? Who watches the watchers?

simpleplan2eatthedirt: cool cool nice nice. protesting is awesome, but be sure to get out there to fucking VOTE, people!!! Here’s a link to register to vote.

EaterJohn: Hello. It is nice to hear from you again, Epiales. Always a treat. Very insightful commentary on modern and past protests. I didn’t know about all of the revolutions in Europe 1848. I’ve send this to my co, and it’s already sparked a good conversation about who we are as a protesting people as we stand in history. Again, sorry to bother you, but I was wondering when the next article in your “Aeneid Autopsies: Current Crimes Reflected in Ancient Times” series was going to be released? It’s my…Read More

horneyvulcanbasterd: @mozARTsexandviolins Is that a Star Trek reference? Bc if so the answer’s Starfleet Command lol

MrsKatsukiBakagou: epiales. you have watered my crops and harvested my fields. thank you for the food.

mightiestavengereatmyass: eat shit and die, commie scum. your just a hired propagandaist for the fucking alt-left, aren’t you? You have no right to be running your collum in a real newspaper or on this fucking website. sending u anthrax in the mail would be too cool a death for you. I hope your so-called terrorist groupsfind out where you live and fucking murder you in the middle of the night. fukcs like you are the reason the country is going to shit the police have a total constitutional right int aht jurisdiction to enter. They had a no knock…Read More

fuckyouit’sjanuary: @readyplayer69 [image attached] [image description: blonde woman with caption reading, “I can tolerate racism, but I draw the line at looting the local target]

saltnpepa!!diner707: Hi. I’m trying to cite this piece in an essay, but your publisher isn’t listed on your website. Would you suggest using the NYT as the source in my bib? If it helps, this is due new week; idk if this will run in the NYT by then. Thanks

“I’m sending someone on a grocery run this morning,” said Tom, thumbs tapping away on his phone, “Do you need anything? Want anything?”

You glanced up from your laptop, closing it as much as you could without the light dimming. “I think I’m good, unless you used the last of the shredded cheese at some point.”

“Shredded…cheese,” he said under his breath, typing, “You mentioned capri-suns the other day.”

“Yeah, but I can tolerate the nasty, new flavour. No rush. Here’s a wild idea,” you said, and you waited until he looked up from his phone, a couple of ungelled curls falling over his forehead. “What if—now, don’t dismiss me as crazy; hear me out—what if we went to the store ourselves?”

“Again, no.” Tom grasping his coffee by the round of the mug, despite there being a perfectly functional handle. “Stop pressing me for it.”

“I’m not asking to go to a damn Broadway play. I’m asking to go to the closest 7-11,” you said, jiggling your leg and then making a conscious decision to stop fidgeting, instead scooting your chair closer under the table so that the arms slid underneath.

Tom hummed, his eyes not leaving his phone screen, but when you didn’t continue, he raised an eyebrow as he scowled at you. “Broadway is shut down because of the bomb threat.”

“Fuck off; you know what I meant.”

“Viper,” said Tom, and he locked his phone to set it on his napkin. “Do you want to get assassinated?”

“The term assassination implies I’m getting murdered for political reasons instead of the copious other crimes you’ve had me commit. So, I invite it.” Put your hands on the table where he can see them; it makes you seem more trustworthy. “Does 7-11 have an open carry policy?”

“If it’s any consolation, the renovated office should be waiting for you when you return.”

“It’s not.” You lifted your mug to your lips. “Working from here only makes me feel like a damn bureaucrat. Like I have no stake in the matter. I don’t want to become detached from everything; I might make a callous decision and send people where they can’t come back.”

“Keep watching yourself. If you stay on guard,” said Tom, running his middle finger around the rim of his mug, “then you won’t stray from me.”

“I’m useless here.”

“Then maybe you should become accustomed to the idea of being useless.”

Swallowing, you stared down into your tea. “There’s only so much I can get done through answering emails. Not to mention I hate answering emails. That’s how you get more emails.”

“Harrison has been telling me that your schematics have been more thorough since you’ve been holed up in here.” Tom tipped his mug all the way back to get the last of his coffee. “You’re still being just as productive, if not more methodical.”

“Did you mean obsessive? I have—I’ve had too much time to think. I’d rather not be alone with my thoughts, if I can help it.”

***

You could only read so much before losing your mind. You could only deal with so many of the same exact problems over and over again for lower level soldiers. You could only chart so many stars. You could only read so much fanfiction (if your identity thief were tracking your phone, he’d probably be baffled as to why you kept reading fic for fandoms you weren’t even a part of due to the desire for new ideas).

You could only give Glory Pham so many excuses as to why you’re not with her in person at the Museum of Natural History.

Sucking in through your teeth, you hovered your fingers above the keyboard.

Dear Ms. Pham,

Glad to hear John Mulaney’s signed on. Next step would be to ensure de Blasio doesn’t directly interact with him, given their history. Perhaps I should proof his set beforehand?

Unfortunately, I regret to inform you that I cannot attend the briefing in person yet again. I am currently indisposed, seeing as I am currently in hiding at my hot boss’s house, due to how dead I might be should I leave it (thus the basis of its appeal). Not to mention that if you criticise my blazer choices again, I shall peel the skin off your perfectly made-up face. Get fucked; getting your eyeliner tattooed on was a hell of a decision.

You shook your head, backspaced the last few lines, and stretched towards the wicker end table to grab your glass of pink lemonade, and you stole a glance at Tom’s work as you did so. A couple of files spread across his white wicker lounger (two blue files [socials of the family], two green [recent bids], a yellow [Manhattan locations], and a brown [requests from politicians, upper East side]). The pink sticky-notes had your and his written exchanges and edits on certain papers, and his laptop was open, the screen dimmed, while he copied something into a notebook with his cell phone held between his shoulder and his ear, just listening to the computerised voice.

He had joined you on the back porch to work remotely, claiming he couldn’t go into the city today due to the absence of news on Zendaya—if any information arose, he’d said he wanted your diagnosis immediately.

You wiped your forehead with your sleeve as a sweat drop slinked behind Tom’s ear. Even Tessa wouldn’t run in the heat; she’d curled up by the porch railing, her tail slapping against her water bowl. In an experiment to see if she wanted to spend some time outside, you’d slid the glass door open for Trout, to which she turned around to retreat to the bedroom.

Not all of the clothes you’d ordered had arrived yet, so you were stuck wearing autumnal clothes with long sleeves. To exacerbate matters, you were constantly moving—jiggling your leg, tapping your fingers—you couldn’t sit still for very long anymore; you had taken to pacing the porch when you couldn’t concentrate on the stars.

(Once, Tom had come out at night to check on you, wiping the sleep out of his eyes and sitting in silence with you. He’d made you go to bed after a while, claiming you’d run yourself into the ground if you kept this restlessness up.)

When your phone beeped, the both of you jolted at the sound. Tom hung up on the robotic voice as you scrambled to your phone, and he bent your way. “Is it Zendaya?”

Biting the inside of your cheek, you shook your head. “No. Looks like it’s a jailbreak.”

Tom sighed, his shoulders heaving as he eased back in his seat. “Where from?”

“I don’t even care,” you said, letting your phone fall to your lap. You slumped back in your chair, shielding your eyes from the sun with your arm. But you straightened yourself again and checked. “From Central. They don’t even know who’s all escaped yet.”

“It’d be too much of a gift if New York City would fucking relax for five minutes.”

“It seems like it’s in more uproar than usual lately,” you said, sipping through the reusable straw of your pink lemonade. “Do you suppose it’s our fault?”

Tom took a moment to pluck his damp t-shirt away from his chest. “I don’t think we’re instigating. If anything, we’re simply reacting to chaos.” He stood up and stretched, raising his arms above his head—his biceps strained at the sleeves, and the hem rose above his v-lines. “Unless you’re doing something I don’t know about.”

Ah, casual suspicion. “You’ve caught me,” you said as he approached Tessa and crouched next to her, “I’ve been running a koi smuggling gig on the side.”

“Why koi?” He held out his hand for Tessa to sniff, and she readily accepted his hand for pats. “Are they hard to get?”

“I don’t know,” you said, shrugging, “but I’ve been wondering if they’d be able to survive in your grist mill pond. You look through that water straight to the bottom, nothing living in your way. Just rocks and old equipment.”

Tom sat against the porch railing with a jittery Tessa partially in his lap. “Should we get some?”

“Oh, fuck off, Tom,” you said, grinning, a sweat drop falling onto your mousepad as you shook your head, “You can’t entertain every little pipedream I have.”

“Watch me. What do you want for Christmas?”

You ducked your head, biting your lip. “Promise me something.”

“Provided it’s not my head on a stake, I will,” he said, scratching Tessa behind her ears and cringing a bit when she stretched to lick his face.

“Then we’re going in person to the pre-opening fundraising gala for the Gawain Diamond.”

Tom narrowed his eyes. “Viper.”

“Bitch, I got John Mulaney to sign on to do the opening monologue, and he’s probably gonna roast de Blasio again. I’m not missing that.”

Your phone blared an alert again, and both of you held your breath as you unlocked it.

“Got a list of prisoners who escaped. Small group. Delores, Larson, Duncan, Mays, Selvin,” you said, “There’s more, but I don’t know them. Tell us something important, by God. Anyway, we’re going. I didn’t say I was going alone, did I? You’ll be there. I’ll be safe, and you’ll be safe.”

His jaw shifting to the side, Tom stilled his hand on Tessa’s back, and then he lifted it to flick sweat off his neck. “How many of us maximum can you get in?”

“It’s a fundraiser for idiotic rich people; if there are too many people without a name, they’ll be noticed.”

“It can’t be just us.”

“Why? Afraid you can’t protect me on your own?”

“Now, don’t start that.” Tom herded Tessa off his lap and onto her outside bed. “I’m not falling for it.”

“Yes, yes, I’m fully aware you’re capable of ripping me in half,” you said, draining your pink lemonade, the airy suction coming through your straw (almost loud enough that you couldn’t hear Tom’s sputtering over it—almost—and his phone beeping). “Want me to get that?”

“Bring it here,” he said, and you snatched it while he sat on the railing, dangling his legs off the side.

“It’s,” you said, eyebrows shooting to your hairline as you read the little notification, “It’s a tweet from Zendaya.” You tossed it to him to unlock and leant on the railing next to him, arm grazing his thigh with a heightened awareness of how close you were to his sweaty, sweaty abdomen. No! No time to thirst. Friend time.

Tom unlocked his phone and held it at your eye level, turning it horizontally as he pulled up the tweet.

ZENDAYA (@ZendayaMedias): Felt cute. Might delete later.

[video]

Tom pulled up the clip, waiting for it to load. “Why didn’t she post it to instagram, then?”

“The finer details of social media are an enigma. Do I look like I know,” you said, and his thumb hovered over the play button.

He cranked the volume up before pressing play, having to try twice due to how slippery his fingers were. “I wonder if Haz has seen this yet.”

A vertical shot of a murky, grey sky from the bow of a boat and dark ocean as far as the camera can see. It pans across the starboard side, and this boat is the only one in sight.

Only the sound of waves striking the boat.

The camera tilts down. Zendaya’s writhing on the deck, furiously straining against rope bonds that line up the entirety of her arms and up her calves; she’s yelling furiously at the person behind the camera through duct tape.

Scuffed, black boots roll Z to the starboard gunwale. She’s still fighting, still shouting.

The camera trucks to the right; before, the pair of cinderblocks attached to her feet were concealed. It returns to her face. A glove grabs part of her hair to show the weights tied into it. She bucks up to headbutt the camera; he avoids it.

Tom clenched his free hand on his thigh. “We’re running another scan for that black-stubble bell jackass from her instagram; did we have any fucking leads at all? What’s his fucking motivation? So he slept with her, allegedly; did she say no to a second time? Doesn’t fucking merit—”

The boot kicks the cinderblocks off the boat, and the camera tilts down to follow the trail of bubbles.

It’s quiet.

But then the camera pans to portside, where the guy in the picture with Zendaya is similarly tied up, but he’s openly weeping and shaking his head. He’s got something drawn on his forehead in black marker. The cameraman steps closer to focus on it: it’s a circle with an upward curve resting on top of it.

He’s still wearing the bell necklace.

Then the cameraman backs away and raises a gloved hand, in which a gun is aimed at the other’s forehead.

The bullet goes through the circle, and the bell rattles as he’s kicked off. Fewer bubbles.

Then the camera tilts up to show off the boat’s surroundings: a black and barren ocean, as far as the eye can see.

When the video started to loop, Tom switched his screen off, his phone hanging loosely in his grip. You released of his thigh once you noticed you’d grabbed onto him, and the evidence of your touch faded as the fabric relaxed.

His eyes glossed over at the blank screen, and his mouth opened before closing again, running his tongue over his lower lip. Tom brought a fist to his mouth and furrowed his brow, his hand hardly concealing the growing tremble of his jaw.

You took a step away from him, rubbing your arms as you ducked your head. “I’m going back inside,” you said, hoping Trout felt like being clutched to your chest, “I’m cold.”

***

The next morning, your mouth felt heavy and dry. You sneaked out as the sun was rising to go hide in the woods surrounding Tom’s house, but you talked yourself out of it. He would make too much of a fuss if he couldn’t find you—but you could delay the inevitable conversation even further. Both of you had separated and kept to yourselves the rest of the evening. Kept quiet.

So you rounded the outside of the house. You’re not camping out in a fucking copse. When you reached the pond, you scanned it for a dry place to hide, but nothing really held any appeal, save for the rounded platform where the mill wheel used to spin, its spoke notches overflowing with moss. You managed to get to it after scrambling alongside the stones for a few minutes, and though it didn’t look like you could get down the same way, you settled against the wall, scraping some moss out of the notches so that your feet could rest more comfortably in them.

(Dr. Prine called ten minutes after you sent her the email. “Did you send me the correct article?”

“Yeah,” you said, rubbing your face wash onto your cheeks, “Considering it’s the only one I have ready, and I can’t bring myself to write anything. I tried. I just fucking can’t.”

“I don’t think you want this published at this point in your life.”

“I don’t fucking care. Whoever’s using my pen name probably knows who the fuck I am in general. Just publish it.”

“Honey,” said Dr. Prine, her voice softening (and fumbling, like she was holding the phone to her ear with her shoulder), “You should probably rethink this. It’s going to connect Epiales you back to Viper you. Get some sleep; eat breakfast. Call me back then.”

“It’s an appropriate article for the political climate.”

“Not for your personal life.”

“I don’t fucking care,” you said between splashing water on your face, “I don’t. It’s a good fucking article, and hopefully, it can affect people for the upcoming election. Fuck self-preservation. Send it to the Times already.”

“Did I dial the wrong number?”

“Hilarious, Dr. Prine. I know it’s not the smartest thing for me to do, but I can’t—absolutely can’t—write anything. I don’t know for how long, but for now, at least.” You blotted your face dry. “I’ve got to meet standard deadlines if I’m keeping my column. It’s really only dangerous if Tom reads it and makes the connection, and his brain is offline right now.”

And so Aeneid Autopsies: Current Crimes Reflected in Ancient Times, chapter twelve, “The Political Tradition as Mob Rule,” would be published on Saturday. It’s a little too in the know about the mafia, but hey, you had written it on a whim a month ago, and you were known for your extensive research, anyway. It most likely shouldn’t be too different from your other exposés, though they weren’t on topics that were deliberately misleading the public by what information was out there.

The more you thought about it, it was almost like you wanted to reveal yourself, wanted to get stabbed while you were sleeping, because there’s an overwhelming question rolling around in your brain like a mis-weighted shooter marble: is this—)

“It’s not your fault.”

With crossed arms, Tom leant against the stone wall, his leg bent back for his bare foot to rest flat against it. He glanced sideways at you, sitting on your mill wheel perch almost halfway across the pond, but closer to the far side than to him.

He’s got major bedhead, his curls just fucking flopping about out of his part, and even from where you are, his face burned red amidst wet tracks trailing down it. Still, thank God for little mercies—his biceps were fucking straining the sleeves of his white t-shirt, and those idiotic, blessed grey sweatpants were low on his hips.

You lifted your head from your knees but still clutched them to your chest. “You’re not going out, then?”

“Of course not,” Tom said, and he wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “Can’t be crying during a meeting, yeah?”

“Been boxing?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Not really.”

He ran his tongue over his lower lip and sighed, and then he slid his hands into his pockets, his eyes glossing over while he watched the moss you’d picked off float in the pond.

You’re not going to fucking cry. Tom came out here for a reason. He has a purpose. All you have to do is wait.

Eventually, he said, “You’re avoiding what I said.”

You tilted your head.

“Listen, I know you’re beating yourself up about it. It’s not your fault this happened. None of this is your fault. Hey.” Tom tapped the wall, the travelling reverberations making you look up at him. “Whoever’s doing this is doing it of their own volition and not because of you. You hold no culpability for this.”

“Bruh,” you said, “One of your best friends is dead, and you’re comforting me? I thought I was the masochist.”

Tom scowled, his brow furrowing. “Viper—”

“I can’t interact with someone without putting them in danger, at a disturbingly high rate. You want me to enumerate where I’ve stuck my nose in not my business and people have gotten killed? Senator Hernandez, Isadora,” you began, holding up two fingers, “The nine men guarding Isadora, Maccabruno, Polson—”

“Don’t you dare do that to yourself.” Tom took a step forward, his foot almost curving into the pond. “You didn’t use the knife. You didn’t pull any triggers.”

“Yeah, but I sent them there. And a good many of them went because it was their job.” You sneered and propped your chin on your knees again.

“And it’s part of your job—”

“Yeah, whatever. Your friend is dead, and I have no home. I’ve stopped contacting the few people in my circle on the chance that they get dragged into this—Grace, Adrien—he’s the lights specialist guy, in case you don’t remember—I’ve got to email Glory, but that can’t be helped. And Dr. Prine only—fuck,” you said, dragging your hands down your face. “I don’t want anything to fucking happen to Dr. Prine. Or your family, for that matter.”

“Everyone not involved in the business is currently in hiding upstate,” said Tom, eyes narrowed as he glared at you. “If you like, I can ensure the same—”

“Stop acting so damn calm, Tom.” You let your legs dangle off the platform, hands clenching the edges. “I don’t have any strings left to pull. And fucking hell, I know that it would be extremely and absurdly conceited of me to believe that this series of crimes is aimed specifically at me, because how deluded, how arrogant could I get—but goddammit, this stuff feels a little too personalised. It feels like this person knows me.”

Tom clicked his tongue. “Don’t you think it’s worth something that Glory Pham has been left alone? He knows how to get into Crosscreek, yet Glory hasn’t been touched. Is that not worthwhile?”

Your eyes watered, but you ducked your head so that he couldn’t see—but you released a dry sob (Fuck! Now is not the time for crying! Now is the time for being badass! Frown, or something!).

Tom spoke so quietly you almost didn’t catch it. “Do you want to leave?”

God, no. But it would make you feel like less of a burden. “Let me find an apartment first.”

“No, not like that. Hey, V. Look at me,” he said, and he tapped on the wall again.

You wouldn’t. Not like this. Not when your nose was running and when you didn’t have a plan.

“Please look at me, Viper.”

Glowering, you raised your head, lifting your chin higher than normal to seem confident, and oh, God—his eyes were wide and gentle; he’s leaning as far as he can over the pond, still unable to reach you.

“What I meant was if you wanted to leave the mob.”

It rang through your head like a distant cathedral bell, chiming through a deserted town—but then you were farther, out on the mountains, still listening to faint clanging.

“You’d have to kill me,” you said, shaking your head, “Don’t you remember?”

“Fuck,” Tom was saying, sucking in through his teeth, and after glancing at the water, he started jogging around the pond.

“I swore. I bled. And then even after that—then you knighted me.” You inhaled sharply when he reached the stones you’d climbed. “I’ve let you down.”

“Viper, get the fuck down from there and come here,” he said, and he withdrew, winching, when he stepped on a sharp edge.

“We shouldn’t have met,” you said, looking over your shoulder at him, and Tom froze, his hand partially gripping a hole in the stone wall. “I shouldn’t have taken the job. I should have gone to a different city. I should have—”

“Wasted your life away in the shadows? Just shut up and get down here.”

“Ah! The fuck?” You swatted his hand away when it grazed the platform, and when he climbed up another step, you pushed yourself off the platform and into the pond.

The first thing that struck you was how quiet everything was once the bubbles dissipated, and then you noticed how clear the water was, even from within it—glancing down, you could easily see your feet treading water above the broken grist mill wheels that had sunken to the bottom.

Before you could take it in to feel the emptiness in your chest, bubbles filled your vision again—and then his hands were grappling for you, grasping at your clothes, and pulling you towards the surface.

“I wasn’t fucking drowning,” you said, sliding a hand back through your hair, while Tom shook his head to flick off excess water. “I was fine without—”

“I know you weren’t.” Tom gripped your waist tightly enough to be painful, and he slid his other hand up between your shoulder blades. “I know. You wouldn’t die on me, and I’m not letting anyone else lay their hands on you. C’mon, arms around.”

He guided your arms around his waist, and once you had a good grip (hands sliding up his back), he kicked off to swim to the stone wall, backing you into it. Your toes skimmed the bottom of the pond, but Tom kept your head above the water, his thumbs circling your hipbones through your wet clothes.

Tom closed his eyes, his eyelashes heavy with water droplets. “There’s no solution to this where you die, got it?”

“Shucks.”

“I mean it. Talk to me. Tell me what you can.” Tom let out a breath slowly, and he bent to rest his forehead on your shoulder. “Please,” he said once you tensed up, his breath hot through your wet shirt, “Won’t you let me in?”

(Fuck fuck fuck fuck his chest is flush against yours; he’s so warm, so damn warm all over, and the water’s chill only makes you want to cling to him more, fuck.)

“You won’t like me,” you said, tentatively lifting a hand to curl your fingers into his hair, pulling slightly, “I’m not whom I’ve presented to you. I don’t have it under control.”

“I don’t expect you to.” Tom turned his head towards you; his lips almost grazed your neck (you relish their warmth anyway). “You wouldn’t be human, otherwise.”

“I don’t know an awful lot. Some days it seems like all I do is guesswork.” You grimaced but kept the slim distance from Tom’s mouth. If he wanted to, he would. “I’m lost completely on whoever the fake Epiales is. I keep looking for a pattern in everything, even—even so far back as to—”

You stuttered. Tom had pressed his lips to the base of your neck.

“There’s no consistency,” he said, nuzzling his nose against the spot where your neck met shoulder, “but there’s got to be a larger plan. I get it. The whole case is like a hydra, and we’re chopping blindly at the heads.”

(Oh, my God, he kissed you? He kiss the neck? He?)

“Oh! I forgot to tell you.” Tom pulled away to look you in the eye, and your mouth hung open of its own accord—come back! “I made myself watch the video again.” His jaw shifted. “To see if I missed anything, and I did. This time, I recognised the symbol on the guy’s forehead.” Tom lightly traced it onto your forehead with his middle finger. “It’s a zodiac symbol. It’s the one for Taurus.”

You nodded, still not really thinking at full capacity. “Great. Another piece of evidence that I won’t be able to make fucking sense of. Goddammit. I’m so useless. Goddammit,” you said, dropping your hand from his hair into the water with a splash. “Tom, I don’t talk to my mother much anymore. She doesn’t know where or who I am, and to be honest, I don’t know who I am, either. I don’t know where the truth is.”

You nearly slapped him when you cupped his cheek, like you were desperate, like you had to be touching him, skin on skin, that instant. It’d be nice if he would close his eyes and lean into your touch, maybe kiss your palm, but Tom simply stared at you in shock, eyes wide, brows raised, mouth pinched.

Don’t tell him, you whore. You built this fucking kingdom with its walls and bastions so that you would be safe when the outer defences crumbled. You’ve set aside parts of yourself into neat little boxes so that you can throw any of them away at any time and escaped unscathed. Don’t you fucking dare screw that up. Tom doesn’t know about Epiales so that you can expose and destroy him if you’re on his chopping block; it’s insurance for when everything falls.

Bitch, since when do you want to be honest and raw and vulnerable around anyone?

You can’t let him in.

“You’re still a woman of honour,” Tom said, and—oh, God, oh, fuck—he’s easing his hands down your body, his chest pressed against yours again, and he’s sliding them down your thighs to hook underneath your knees, and he’s hitched you up against the wall, the definition of his muscles real and palpable through the wet clothes, warm, warm, warm—

“I should apologise,” you said, turning your head to the side while he steered your legs around his waist, “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now.”

“You can’t?” Tom shifted you upwards, and that’s it; your heat is directly against him; you can feel every pull and tensing of his tendons, and if he keeps moving the way he is, then you’ll—

“I’m so sorry for making this about me when Z was closer to you. We shouldn’t waste time on me; we need to be searching, arranging a funeral if we can’t find anything.” You scrunched your eyes shut.

“You’re deflecting.” Tom let out a shuddery sigh. “I’ve lost too many people. Don’t make me lose you when you’re right in front of me,” he said, and he pressed his lips right below your ear.

You flinched away on impulse but tried to relax into him, blinking profusely.

Tom pushed against you (not localised enough to qualify as a thrust), and he cleared his throat before pulling away from your neck. “Listen, please. Please.” He shifted your weight to one hand and gripped your chin with his freed one. His eyes flickered to your mouth before he moved to rest his hand on your cheek. “You’re invaluable. Irreplaceable. You are no burden and are not at fault.” He clenched his jaw. “But I know you’re keeping something from me, and I will make the answer fall from your lips soon.”

Your own chin was shaking, and he was too close. If you put aside separate-self-as-insurance for a moment, let’s consider Tom did find out about Epiales. Would he control you through it? Would he use you to influence those he couldn’t reach? Would he grab hold of Dr. Prine? He might squeeze your life and time through his fist, and your freedom would be gone. Epiales was your freedom, your space to create and connect.

He was too close.

“You’ve got to promise not to hate me,” you said, and when he raised an eyebrow, you made your decision to lean in.

“No,” he said, and—and your lips met his cheek.

He’d turned his head.

After all that, he’s going to turn his head?

“No,” he said again, taking your chin again and leading you away, back to leaning against the stone wall, “I don’t want our first kiss connected to the memory of mourning. I can wait a bit longer.”

Tom released your legs, letting them sink. “You once told me that if you let yourself be vulnerable, you didn’t want an audience. I think,” he said, frowning, “I think you still see me as an outsider. As a member of that audience. And again, you said that you didn’t want it if it weren’t real.” He stepped away from you entirely, and he started wading towards the edge of the pond. “I’m going to hold you to the same standard. I’ll wait until you’re ready to be real with me.”

Tom slinked out of the pond, flicking away what excess water he could, and he squinted into the sun on the horizon. He shook his head, water flying, and he glanced back at you and scoffed. “Easy, sweetheart. No need to wear your heart on your sleeve now.”

His voice trailed off as he rounded the corner towards the door.

The sun is rising, and you feel rather cold.

***

inter vivos: between the living

***

taglist: @hollandroos @madmadmilk @parkerroos @parsleysbaby @z-ukos @pparkerwrites @lunamyangel @stealth-spiderr @presidentbttrflyfreak @paradoxparker @bi-writes @astronomyparkers @infamous-webhead @laurfangirl424 @softspideys @gryffinpuffs @plethoraofpuppies @laucontrerasv @shootingstarsaretearsofheaven @spiderboytotherescue @cassiopeiaskies

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland/reader #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction #mob au #mob!tom holland #mob tom holland #viper au #dash it all

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thanksforthedinosaur · 4 years

Text

international year of plant health

hi. i made a playlist of a snapshot of the stuff i’ve listened to this year if you’re looking for some recommendations! xoxo mae

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0VkfnggwpC1TEj2wsaHyZr?si=4JJd6Z-kRoCHuHypRtWK3g

1. little simz - might bang, might not 2. jean deaux - recipe! 3. logic - open mic\\aquarius iii 4. spittzwell - the lesson 5. ivy sole - kismet 6. vel the wonder - fine art 7. megan thee stallion - shots fired 8. kari faux - look at that 9. rico nasty - own it 10. flo milli - beef flomix 11. kodie shane - 2 many 12. kali uchis - ¡aquí yo mando! 13. tkay maidza - shook 14. bree runway - atm 15. yung baby tate - i am 16. almondmilkhunni - grapefruit 17. princess nokia - soul food y adobo 18. bosco - attention 19. kiana ledé - movin. 20. diamond white - secondhand 21. queen naija - i’m her 22. danileigh - mistreated 23. parisalexa - 2 optimistic 24. qveen herby - farewell 25. jhené aiko - p*$$y fairy (otw) 26. chloe x halle - forgive me 27. kehlani - water 28. umi - pretty girl hi! 29. rimon - i shine, u shine 30. disclosure - birthday 31. phora - cupid's curse 32. roy ayers - synchronize vibration 33. thundercat - unrequited love 34. thelonious coltrane - perfect timing 35. [ k s r ] - passion 36. alina baraz - more than enough 37. alayna - glowing 38. savannah cristina - self love 39. paloma ford - rain 40. nakala - she interlude ii 41. orion sun - lightning 42. jaz karis - hold you 43. cleo sol - when i'm in your arms 44. keiyaa - do yourself a favor 45. alicia keys - me x 7 46. yazmin lacey - morning matters 47. be steadwell - succulent 48. daniela andrade - k.l.f.g. 49. yung lean - dogboy 50. bladee - sun 51. blackwinterwells - algae 52. sullii - moonlight 53. misogi - heart chained 54. aminé - talk 55. tobi lou - lingo starr: drunken master 56. busta rhymes - look over your shoulder 57. 2 chainz - southside hov 58. atmosphere - the future is disgusting 59. meltycanon - moody blues 60. alfred. - sheeshfred 61. love-sadkid - ephemeral 62. jay squared - vision like you! 63. tuamie - you needed time you said 64. oatmello - blue 65. wun two - a noite 66. kuranes - calm 67. omaure - drama 68. dust and moonlight - sleeping or sinking 69. phlocalyst - image 70. ocha - r33 71. sugi.wa - love u 72. palm - memories of winter 73. goosetaf - tripwire 74. bryzone_ybp - the count 75. orancha - smoky banana 76. evil needle - midnight 77. eevee - romance 78. chief. - can't explain 79. ngyn - aerith 80. fujitsu - move on 81. meitei - nami 82. swum - breezy 83. chris mazuera - perspective 84. jinsang - maybe 85. tesk - cascades 86. saib - nautica 87. mf eistee - uprising 88. kaskade - when you’re dreaming 89. tatsuya maruyama - love you - lo-fi remix 90. towerz - before i gave in 91. baechulgi - abyss 92. underbelly - glitchwater 93. notsure - icecoffee 94. yutaka hirasaka - arise 95. akisai - ecossaise 96. nom tunes - missing piece 97. sweet dove - on the viewless wings 98. park bird - new place, same people 99. city girl - ji-eun's favorite 100. katie dey - loving 101. mary lattimore - sometimes he's in my dreams 102. teen daze - peaceful groove 103. pacific coliseum - turquoise 104. tycho - outer sunset 105. [.que] - glimmer 106. lights & motion - separated hearts 107. roger eno - celeste 108. talsounds - opening 109. alva noto - xerrox voyage 110. 36 - stasis sounds for long-distance space travel (stage 2) 111. stan forebee - bedscape 112. daniel avery - illusion of time 113. arbee - 2sum - charlie dreaming remix 114. okada takuro - waterfront (up-01) 115. gabriel ólafs - lóa - bing & ruth rework 116. warmth - the creek - mixed 117. rhucle - rev 118. com truise - surf 119. sarah davachi - still lives 120. gastón arévalo - sur les traces des explorateurs 121. peter bark - ascension 122. kara-lis coverdale - flutter 123. totally enormous extinct dinosaurs - brockley 124. green-house - peperomia seedling 125. four tet - green 126. morimoto naoki - aru 127. kaitlyn aurelia smith - remembering 128. dj python - te conocí 129. ocoeur - glow 130. christina vantzou - snow white 131. alonefold - strange rainbows 132. savoir adore - dancing temples 133. tengger - water 134. suzanne ciani - a sonic womb pt. 3 135. mogwai - major treat 136. this will destroy you - entrance 137. sleepmakeswaves - time wants a skeleton 138. elsa hewitt - rebird 139. ulla - i think my tears have become good 140. aether - she isn't here 141. zoe polanski - the last frontier 142. lyra pramuk - witness 143. ana roxanne - a study in vastness 144. julianna barwick - nod 145. the leaf library - about minerals 146. gia margaret - barely there 147. lucy gooch - my lights kiss your thoughts every moment 148. briana marela - forgiveness 149. loma - homing 150. mree - open arms 151. ellis - saturn return 152. alexia avina - fit into 153. fenne lily - to be a woman pt. 1 154. noble oak - evaporate 155. mint julep - blinded 156. rush week - best laid plans 157. mini trees - slip away 158. winter - bem no fundo 159. yumi zouma - cool for a second 160. laura veirs - burn too bright 161. terry vs. tori - keepsake box 162. castlebeat - shoulder 163. candace - still phase 164. tiny deaths - if i'm dreaming 165. lydia - heavy 166. caspian - nostalgist 167. nova one - lovable 168. corey flood - heaven or 169. hazel english - off my mind 170. bantug - dizzy 171. tops - colder & closer 172. the hidden shelf - miracles 173. ruru - 99 174. widowspeak - even true love 175. cheerleader - providence 176. wild nothing - blue wings 177. deradoorian - corsican shores 178. strfkr - second hand 179. mint field - contingencia 180. ringo deathstarr - god help the one's you love 181. no joy - dream rats 182. white poppy - orchid child 183. keeps - swiggum 184. flung - firstly zested 185. the bilinda butchers - rie 186. sipper - kid 187. radiator hospital - imposter syndrome 188. addy - equinox 189. boyo - dogma 190. alexandra savior - the archer 191. phoebe bridgers - chinese satellite 192. soccer mommy - circle the drain 193. routine - numb enough 194. quarter-life crisis - comfortable 195. madeline kenney - sucker 196. layne - linnea 197. wilsen - align 198. pynkie - you 199. bandanna - ghost home 200. waxahatchee - can’t do much 201. crisman - portrait 202. liza anne - i wanna be there 203. purr - gates of cool 204. honey cutt - hung up on me 205. the beths - out of sight 206. the ophelias - grand canyon 207. sjowgren - flip phones 208. haim - gasoline 209. thanya iyer - i forget to drink water (balance) 210. sad13 - good grief 211. porridge radio - give/take 212. lannds - not in a good way 213. katie von schleicher - wheel 214. hey cowboy! - detective farmer brown 215. tombo crush - pink 216. eliza moon - tell me / why'd you 217. anna mcclellan - raisin 218. this is the kit - this is what you did 219. snarls - walk in the woods 220. blushh - deal with it 221. long neck - cicada 222. chloe moriondo - ghost adventure spirit orb 223. momma - biohazard 224. varsity - runaway 225. land of talk - footnotes 226. bully - stuck in your head 227. diet cig - stare into the sun 228. expert timing - gravity 229. slow pulp - track 230. maddie jay - shakes 231. beabadoobee - together 232. luna aura - crash dive 233. sorry - perfect 234. torres - good grief 235. partner - honey 236. beauty queen - this time around 237. maggie lindemann - knife under my pillow 238. bryde - paper cups 239. mundy's bay - sleep away the summer 240. squirrel flower - red shoulder 241. mourn - stay there 242. dream wife - so when you gonna... 243. illuminati hotties - superiority complex (big noise) 244. l.a. witch - true believers 245. hinds - burn 246. beach bunny - cuffing season 247. suzie true - idk u 248. bacchae - hammer 249. peach kelli pop - stupid girl 250. oceanator - heartbeat 251. pins - read my lips 252. best coast - different light 253. muncie girls - take steps 254. kailee morgue - this is why i'm hot 255. beach slang - let it ride 256. silverstein - take what you give 257. new found glory - scarier than jason voorhees at a campfire 258. the lawrence arms - quiet storm 259. mikey erg - bon voyage 260. pet symmetry - had a name, don't remember it 261. thank you, i'm sorry - backpack life 262. ratboys - alien with a sleep mask on 263. joyce manor - leather jacket 264. jeff rosenstock - scram! 265. the aquabats! - aliens and monsters! 266. the used - the lighthouse 267. hidden hospitals - how amazing 268. dikembe - all got sick 269. time spent driving - trust no 1 270. the casket lottery - more blood 271. record setter - someplace 272. emma ruth rundle - out of existence 273. gulfer - blurry 274. options - don't mind 275. i love your lifestyle - stupid 276. orchards - stealing your sleep 277. no tongues for quiet people - lake house lake house 278. into it. over it. - hollow halos 279. mountains for clouds - full disclosure 280. joan of arc - destiny revision 281. no thank you - saturn return 282. the front bottoms - camouflage 283. ride your bike - make like a tom and cruise 284. dragon inn 3 - yer brothers 285. the goalie’s anxiety at the penalty kick - jars filled with rain 286. mansions - laser beams 287. waveform* - hello goodbye 288. owen - headphoned 289. cassino - tacoma 290. ajj - normalization blues 291. penelope scott - sweet hibiscus tea 292. angel olsen - (new love) cassette 293. trace mountains - fallin' rain 294. johanna warren - part of it 295. frances quinlan - lean 296. tomberlin - hours 297. samia - triptych 298. field medic - better way 299. adrianne lenker - my angel 300. jack m. senff - another day 301. lomelda - polyurethane 302. rosie carney - high and dry 303. brigid mae power - i had to keep my circle small 304. overcoats - new shoes 305. anna burch - not so bad 306. hop along, queen ansleis - the cactus 307. mandy moore - easy target 308. laura marling - held down 309. lisa loeb - doesn't it feel good 310. trixie mattel - gold 311. lilly hiatt - move 312. molly tuttle - sunflower, vol. 6 313. sarah jarosz - pay it no mind 314. katie heckel - help you mend 315. katie pruitt - my mind’s a ship (that’s going down) 316. in love with a ghost - trans rights 317. snail's house - imaginary express 318. isuka hino - dreamin' adventure!! 319. 4s4ki - nexus 320. lapix - loneliness 321. you - painter 322. aice room - dreary planet - yukiyanagi remix 323. zekk - oxygen 324. lu-i - loved happiness 325. synthion - volt switch 326. sanaas - polestar - junk remix 327. mameyudoufu - fluffy 328. awfuless - redemption 329. rejection - around you 330. toriena - getting into a pose 331. cosmo@bousoup - mow*mow*abduction!!! 332. yunosuke - ziqqurat 333. android52 - lovin', scratchin' 334. サクラsakura-lee - nobody else 335. desired - emotions 336. mikazuki bigwave - sakimashita bloomin'!! 337. skule toyama - smooth 338. adrianwave - goodbye 339. macross 82-99 - melt 340. cape coral - 707 hotline 341. 80kidz - heat 342. night tempo - baby 343. yaffle - lng, before 344. greyl - let me be with you 345. serph - palmtop tiger 346. happy kuru kuru - natsu no hi no labyrinth 347. couple n - earmie 348. airuei - magic sign 349. somunia - non player girl - nyankobrq 2p ver. 350. cosmicosmo - those that we once loved 351. maeshima soshi - the terminal 352. kijibato - 1room 353. yuc'e - ghost town 354. neko hacker - erased 355. jam2go - apotrope 356. mizuki ohkawa - cosmic cleft 357. singto conley - flora 358. 2tonedisco - shoelaces 359. cy8er - もしもしじゃぽん 360. nayuta - connect 361. t+pazolite - himitsu cult 362. milkoi - higher, higher, and then... 363. freezer - caramel rain (sanaas remix) 364. kotonohouse - pitter, patter 365. aika - superstar 366. yukiyanagi - love overdose 367. nanahira - twinkle password 368. ducky - hyper bloxxd 369. porter robinson - something comforting 370. moshimo - シンクロ 371. bish - スーパーヒーローミュージック 372. scenarioart - it's all right 373. base ball bear - ポラリス(c3 mix) 374. majiko - エスカルゴ 375. akaiko-en - ジャンキー 376. the peggies - weekend 377. lovely summer chan - more light 378. polkadot stingray - sp813 379. shishamo - フェイバリットボーイ 380. aimer - run riot 381. österreich - i'll take you everywhere 382. sora tob sakana - 夜間飛行 383. the shes gone - ふためぼれ 384. aimyon - marshmallow 385. cö shu nie - supercell 386. kensei ogata - violin case 387. せだい - yellownola 388. yonige - あかるいみらい 389. bearwear - i think 390. hitsujibungaku - ロックスター 391. cidergirl - 飛行船 392. room97 - faq 393. she's - ugly 394. bbhf - tokenai mahou 395. alisa takigawa - 夢 396. satomoka - glints 397. radwimps - shinsekai 398. pinoko - コリドー街 399. helsinki lambda club - you are my gravity 400. lucky kilimanjaro - 君とつづく 401. dish// - sauna song 402. zombie-chang - snooze 403. mizuki ohira - 無重力 404. みゆな - 歌おうよ 405. iri - come back to my city 406. aya a.k.a panda - i miss u 407. chelmico - disco (bad dance doesn't matter) 408. seiko oomori - 絶対彼女 409. yaeji - my imagination 상상 410. daoko - zukizuki 411. eill - night d 412. cifika - déjà vu 413. yeye - step in time 414. saevom - just like i dreamed then 415. cheeze - today's mood 416. stella jang - reality blue 417. younha - one day of twenty 418. jeong eun ji - whoo 419. fromm - aliens 420. crush - tip toe 421. heize - 1/1440 422. femm - level up 423. awich - poison 424. jessi - nunu nana 425. (g)i-dle - luv u 426. summer soul - tinder 427. taeyeon - worry free love 428. boa - l.o.v.e 429. fromis_9 - feel good (secret code) 430. faky - re:chase me 431. monsta x - night view 432. twice - up no more 433. loona - hide & seek 434. wjsn - pantomime 435. iz*one - fiesta 436. exid - ddd jpn ver. 437. gfriend - crème brûlée 438. april - lalalilala 439. weki meki - 100 facts (cool eng. ver.) 440. momoland - starry night 441. steve aoki - play it cool 442. bts - dynamite 443. sakurako ohara - shine on me 444. sumin - zaza♡ 445. onepixcel - lagrima 446. little glee monster - i feel the light 447. celeina ann - purikura 448. アイラヴミー - そのまんま勇者 449. okkyung lee - here we are (once again) 450. luca - lune 451. hakushi hasegawa - hikari no rock 452. haruka nakamura - your sonnet 453. itoko toma - shade 454. rina katahira - hoshizora* 455. ichiko aoba - easter lily 456. satoko shibata - 変な島 457. 角銅真実 - 6月の窓 458. 熊川みゆ - sixteen 459. 眉村ちあき - 緑のハイヒール 460. 竹内アンナ - striking gold 461. saucy dog - film 462. kaede - -ending- night blue 463. aseul - paradise 464. 박혜진 park hye jin - like this 465. charlotte is mine - road movie 466. plastic plastic - ฮัม - (hum) 467. clams - shiny rider 468. seventeen years old and berlin wall - no paradise 469. nuit - nightbirds 470. fulusu - ghost 471. rammells - sennengo 472. stargaze shelter - emulation (mode:totonee) 473. ヨルシカ - 昼鳶 474. nakamuraemi - 大人の言うことを聞け 475. kenshi yonezu - ひまわり 476. tk from ling tosite sigure - reframe 477. penguinrush - 色彩 478. lee jin ah - candy pianist 479. mei ehara - どちらにピントを 480. jizue - because 481. mouse on the keys - room 482. fox capture plan - stand my heroes - groove version 483. ryutist - girls 484. yeti let you notice - bouquet 485. tricot - 真っ黒 486. madison cunningham - giraffe 487. covet - atreyu 488. floral - maybe not one day 489. envy - eternal memories and reincarnation 490. baths - mikaela corridor 491. sufjan stevens - run away with me 492. fractures - feel 493. the 1975 - frail state of mind 494. dan mason ダン·メイソン - everytime i cry 495. brothertiger - cannonball 496. porches - rangerover - bonus track 497. tame impala - instant destiny 498. washed out - paralyzed 499. pink skies - portland 500. so below - bone 501. purity ring - silkspun 502. llll - breathless 503. slow magic - somewhere 504. kasbo - lune 505. cloudnone - let the music in 506. jody wisternoff - blue space 507. drama - hold on 508. satin jackets - meridian getaway 509. direct - opal 510. lane 8 - road 511. baile - jlm 512. yuni wa - starships 513. nora van elken - sakura 514. geotheory - the day i left you 515. yota - hazy paradise 516. spencer brown - chance on us 517. the avener - conscious shadows 518. kalbells - mothertime 519. bella boo - in love 520. kirara magic - neon 521. mija - digressions 522. cuushe - emergence 523. transviolet - rituals 524. keep shelly in athens - steady to go 525. young ejecta - ah ha 526. annie - in heaven 527. lany - good guys 528. dominic pierce - glad xoxo 529. tender - what you're missing 530. alice jemima - binge love you 531. kitty - baby pink 532. faye meana - like honey 533. lunadira - am i gonna die? 534. loony - white lie 535. justine skye - fav 536. wafia - good things 537. victoria monét - jaguar 538. malia civetz - love thing 539. keiynan lonsdale - i confess my love 540. deaton chris anthony - tuethday 541. kallitechnis - body&soul (ish d remix) 542. talitha. - ineedsomeone 543. keke palmer - thick 544. kesha - birthday suit 545. l.e.j - pas l'time 546. selena gomez - rare 547. the aces - daydream 548. jessie ware - mirage (don’t stop) 549. joan - try again 550. melanie c - blame it on me 551. astrid s - dance dance dance 552. little mix - holiday 553. justin bieber - yummy 554. ariana grande - positions 555. bea miller - feel something different 556. lady gaga - rain on me (with ariana grande) 557. raye - regardless 558. the weeknd - hardest to love 559. andrea valle - lovergirl 560. k/da - the baddest 561. allie x - susie save your love 562. terror jr - dinner plate 563. shawn wasabi - halo halo 564. benee - snail 565. sevdaliza - oh my god 566. gupi - modest 567. six impala - sweetsweetsweetlikebubblegum 568. charli xcx - i finally understand 569. golin - hanakotoba 570. shygirl - freak 571. madge - ethanol 572. arca - afterwards 573. kelly lee owens - re-wild 574. ari mason - pangaea 575. gabrielle aplin - dear happy 576. taylor swift - the 1 577. awfultune - buds 578. sneaks - scorpio on your side 579. izzy camina - kill your local indie softboy 580. mxmtoon - ok on your own 581. wens - giant bat 582. billie eilish - my future 583. tash - when you leave 584. fletcher - the one 585. silver sphere - ghosts! 586. tei shi - ok crazy 587. dounia - sucked all the fun 588. tatiana hazel - carmen sandiego 589. magdalena bay - killshot 590. kllo - insomnia 591. leisure suite - closer 592. morgan saint - i dreamt that i knew you 593. ayelle - got love 594. michi - escondida 595. lyrica anderson - lyfted 596. sasha sloan - lie 597. niki - plot twist 598. sarah reeves - heart first 599. salt cathedral - caviar 600. chelsea cutler - sad tonight 601. rituals of mine - heights 602. e^st - flight path 603. sara diamond - great together 604. phem - stfu 605. carlie hanson - daze inn 606. lauren aquilina - latest ghost 607. caroline rose - command z 608. misterwives - oxygen 609. ella vos - turbulence 610. austra - i am not waiting 611. triathalon - you 612. phoebe ryan - icimy 613. katzù oso - kiss u better 614. luwten - control 615. raveena - heartbeat 616. oohyo - 2020 617. oklou - another night 618. jouska - bring you back 619. fleur east - easy to love 620. soft glas - overbite 621. jaden - muted sunrise 622. snny - better to leave it 623. saint mela - alkaseltzer 624. mia gladstone - ego 625. helena deland - truth nugget 626. oh wonder - oceansize 627. steven padin - sashimi 628. kacey johansing - i try 629. treasureseason - spinning plate 630. landshapes - drama 631. tennis - matrimony ii 632. pomplamoose - morning waterbug 633. soko - being sad is not a crime 634. the big moon - barcelona 635. shamir - diet 636. knox fortune - static 637. carly rae jepsen - let's sort the whole thing out 638. real estate - the main thing 639. hayley williams - roses/lotus/violet/iris 640. nada surf - something i should do 641. bombay bicycle club - is it real 642. the seshen - faster than before 643. thao & the get down stay down - how could i 644. marla hansen - path 645. christine and the queens - la vita nuova 646. half waif - siren 647. malena zavala - ritmo de vida 648. bendik - himmelen 649. hanna järver - kalmar slott 650. frida sundemo - anything 651. kate nv - telefon 652. ambar lucid - questioning my mind 653. coco reilly - mirror 654. ghostly kisses - lydian 655. kacy hill - told me 656. lianne la havas - can't fight 657. donna missal - how does it feel 658. felivand - gone 659. jordana - divine 660. empress of - void 661. banoffee - ripe 662. vanessa carlton - i can't stay the same 663. fiona apple - heavy balloon 664. poppy - concrete 665. rina sawayama - stfu!

#mae makes playlists

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buffyromanoff · 5 years

Text

A Month Without You

Warnings: Kind of angsty, kind of fluffy

Requests: ▪Hi! Idk if ur still taking requests (sorry if I’m too late) but would u be willing to do a nat x fem reader fic where they live together and had a fight and aren’t really speaking but nat finds out the reader is sick with a cold and decides to take care of her and forget the fight?

▪Hi! can i request fighting + making up with nat?

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You knew what you did was wrong, but apologizing to your girlfriend just wasn't enough this time. You and Nat always had small insignificant fights that you both forgot minutes after they ended, but when you decided to go on a mission that was so secretive that you couldn't even tell your girlfriend about, she wouldnt just forget about it in a few minutes.

Natasha had been crazy worried about you. She spend the entire month asking Fury if he knew anything about you and he obviously did, but he couldn't risk telling her anything without jeopardizing the whole thing so he acted like he didn't know anything at all.

Nat wasn't talking to anyone, not even to Bruce, Steve or Tony. She couldn't sleep for the entire month you were gone, thinking that you may have been taken away. She even escaped an Avengers mission to go look for you in Russia, interrogating some grudged old enemies and risking her own life to find you. But it was worthless. You were untraceable, and she would have been proud of your amazing spy abilities if you weren't using them with her.

You returned to your shared apartment around 3am. You opened the door without making any sound and headed to the bedroom to find an empty.

‘‘you better have a fucking great explanation’’.

You turned around to see your girlfriend. Her face was extremely serious and also angry but her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying.

You walked towards her to wrap her in a tight hug but she walked away, leaving you hanging with both your arms open.

‘’It was a secret mission Nat, i was specifically told not to tell anyone about it, not even you’’. You were trying to explain your sudden disappearance.

‘’i thought you were dead, y/n. Do you know how terrifying was to live my life knowing you could be in mortal danger?’’. Her eyes started to water up and you tried to hold her hand but she hid them inside her pockets.

It hurted so much to see Nat like this. And the pain got even worse when you realized that the reason she was like that was because of you.

The talking turned to screaming and then crying. Deep inside, Nat knew that you had to do what you done, it's the nasty part of the job and sometimes the mission requires that kind of commitment.

‘’I've been alone for over a month, one more night isn't going to hurt more’’. Natasha grabbed her keys and slammed your apartment's door shut.

You were a mess, and not only emotionally. Your mission required you to be working under freezing temperatures and lack of sleep, not to mention being constantly stressed out so now that you were home and safe, your adrenaline dropped and all the symptoms started to manifest.

You wanted to run after her but your head was so heavy and you were exhausted so you decided to go directly to bed.

You opened your eyes the morning after but you couldn't get up. Your head felt like it was breaking in half your throat was like sandpaper.

Hours later, your bedroom was covered with used tissue and Nat was nowhere to be seen. You texted her but got no answer.

You slept the entire day and your symptoms were not going away.

Suddenly, you heard the front door opening.

‘’Nat? Is that you? ‘’. Your voice sounded raspy and stuffy.

She didn't answer and you heard the door opening and shutting again. She left, again.

You were a weeping mess. But then, the door opened again.

Natasha walked into your bedroom with a bag full of medicine and vegetables.

She placed her hand on your forehead. ‘’you're burning up’’. She pulled up the blankets to make sure you were warm enough.

Nat started to pick up all of the used tissues and came back from the kitchen with a glass of water and an ibuprofen.

‘’here, take this’’. Her tone was still cold and serious.

‘’Nat im so-’’.

‘’don't talk, just take this, you’ll feel better’’. She interrupted and you obeyed her. Minutes later you fell asleep.

You felt the mattress sink a bit on your side and when you opened your eyes, Natasha was there. She was sitting next to you holding a hot cup of tea she just made.

She handed it to you and you thanked her.

“y/n i'm sorry i left like that, i wasn't thinking straight and i was angry at you, and also at myself for not being able to find you and i just-”.She sighed. ”i was worried about you”.

“You don't have to apologize Nat, i'm the one who messed up, i should have sent you some secret message or something for you to-”. Your sentence was interrupted by a sneeze.

Nat stretched her arm and grabbed more tissue paper for you to clean your nose and gave you one of those soft smiles.

“You didn't do anything wrong, we both know what comes with this kind of job and sometimes when the mission is too urgent, there's no time for explanations, we know that”.

A tear streamed down your cheeks as you sipped the tea and Nat wiped them off.

“I missed you so much Nat”. You threw yourself on her with the little strength you had and gave her a hug. She held you tightly rubbing soft circles on your back. “i missed you too honey, so much”. She was crying. “And judging by your condition,you're not going anywhere for at least a week”. You both laughed. “And i'm going to stay here taking care of you until you're better”.

“But what about your job?”.You asked and then blew your nose.

“Oh don't worry, Fury owes me a big one after keeping you away from me for that long”.

Nat started moving her lips against yours. “I love you so much y/n , i would do anything for you, did you know that?”. You answered her by kissing her harder until you realized something”.

“Wait, i don't want you to get sick too”.

“When was the last time i got sick?”. She kissed you again and then you remembered that she has been enhanced by biotechnology, making her immune to diseases and stuff.

Nat ended up snuggled against you in bed, her fingers softly caressing your face until you fell back to sleep once again.

Hours later you woke up alone in bed, your now less stuffy nose could identify the delicious smell that came from your kitchen.

You stood up for the first time since she got here and followed the scent.

“Go back the bed baby, i'll bring you the soup, alright?”.

You walked towards her and hugged her from behind, resting your head on her back.

“but you're here! I'm going to miss you”.

“says the person who disappeared for over a month without even saying goodbye”. She teased.

“I said i was sorry!”.You pulled her even closer and she turned around to kiss you.

“I know, now go back to bed and i’ll meet you there in five minutes”

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I combined those request since they were similar, i hope its ok. Let me know if you liked it :)

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x fem!reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff imagine #natalia alianovna romanova #black widow #black widow x reader #black widow x fem!reader #natasha romanoff angst #natasha romanoff fluff #scarlett johansson #marvel imagine #black widow imagine #request #natasha romanoff fanfic #black widow fanfic #natasha romanoff x fem #mcu ladies

486 notes · View notes

lallemcnt · 5 years

Text

go ahead and watch my heart burn (part four)

“When you look at him you see dark night opening, giving way to dawn.”

— Ibn Said al-Maghribi

“Talk to me.”

“You shouldn’t have to reassure me all the fucking time! I’m so sick of my brain and how messed up I am!”

“You’re not messed up, Lucas.”

Lucas is perched on the arm of Eliott’s sofa, head bowed and arms shielding his body. Eliott sits on the edge of the sofa at its other end, the exasperated expression on his face mirroring Lucas’ voice. The distance between them, a sofa separating them, feels like miles upon miles, an impossible space to close. Lucas understands his frustration, he even feels sorry for him, sorry that he has to deal with Lucas when he gets like this: frustrated and insecure, when Eliott hasn’t done anything to incite these feelings, when he has been nothing but understanding, nothing but absolutely caring, nothing but a flame in the dark on the days when Lucas’ anxiety has been particularly debilitating.

He knew this was going to happen, that he would mess it up, he just didn’t know he would only have a month of being with Eliott before it all blew up in his face. Abruptly, the frustration drains from him and he is tired. He moves towards the door, stuffing his feet in his trainers and pulling on his jacket. Eliott gets to his feet, following Lucas to the door, asking in a beseeching voice, “You can’t just leave, we need to talk.”

Lucas doesn’t turn around to address him, simply opens the front door and lets out a quiet: “Let me go” before shutting the door behind him and trudging down the stairs into a chilly late summer day. His shoulders instantly hunch up and he’s blowing hot air into his hands for warmth, not sure where he’s going exactly. Going, he scoffs to himself, more like running, like the coward you are. But the knowledge of his cowardice is not enough to make him go back to Eliott and explain.

Lucas recalls a conversation they had a few days after he told Eliott about his father. When Eliott asked Lucas about his anxiety and how it affected him. He didn’t push Lucas to speak about it or set up some kind of intervention. They had been watching reruns of shitty TV at Eliott’s, as usual, eating popcorn and drinking some kind of nasty-ass beer Lucas has brought over when Eliott had asked him:

“I- Can I ask you questions about your anxiety? I’ve been reading up on it and I know I’ll need to do more, but would you…would you mind that? Because I know it is different for everyone.” His voice was tentative, his hands clenched around his beer bottle as if he was scared he had crossed an unspoken line, entering into unknown territory.

It was completely out of the blue. Lucas wondered if this had been on Eliott’s mind the entire evening, he, himself, felt slightly uncomfortable and nervous, because talking about it never ended well, it only ever crushed his mood, his soul, leaving him disappointed. However, he knew, in his heart, that if this thing between them had any chance of survival Eliott had the prerogative to know, to decide for himself if Lucas was worth all the work, and to make this decision he needed all the facts.

Turning down the volume on the TV, Lucas had shifted to face Eliott, because he could be strong. Hadn’t all his years of quiet survival proven that? He could look Eliott in the eye when he inevitably concluded that it was all too much. That Lucas was not worth it.

“You need to understand that you can’t fix me, okay? I’m always going to be dealing with this and I want you to know that I won’t blame you or hate you if you decide to leave, okay? It is a lot. I know,” Pausing for breath, Lucas had taken a swig of his drink before continuing. “Sometimes I’ll get irritable for no reason, at myself and at you. I’ll be snippy. I won’t want to talk to you. When we’ve planned to go to a party or out for dinner, when the day comes round the thought of going may make me feel physically sick and I won’t want to go because I’m terrified of meeting new people or being left alone at a party with nothing to do or no one to talk to. Sometimes I’ll put off doing things and stay home for days because the idea is a lot more peaceful, comfortable and safe than going out.

“And you have to know, it won’t be your fault. I just need space sometimes. There’s something else, too. It’s hard to explain why…there are times when I think it’s because of my father, but I can be touch averse too, casual touches will annoy me and turn my mood sour. I used to be this really affectionate kid, and I still crave touch, but I also hate it at times.”

Eliott nodded thoughtfully along as Lucas spoke; being given the opportunity to explain how he feels and be heard was everything. Everything and more. More than he ever imagined he would be lucky enough to experience.

He doesn’t even know how this afternoon’s argument got heated so quickly, but when he reaches that level of frustration he can’t be talked down, no placating words can calm him, and Eliott contradicting him, telling him he wasn’t messed up made him more angry, and Lucas also knew that while his head was telling him to yell and slam the door and tell Eliott that he will never understand, that he doesn’t get it, that this will never work between them, his heart was whispering for him to get out of there, to cool off, before he said something he would regret.

He knew why Eliott was frustrated, Lucas had been closed off for the past week, refusing to confide in Eliott who had asked him several times what was going on. He was clueless, unsure if he was the problem. Lucas could have easily reassured him that it wasn’t him, but he was feeling mean and bitter. Communication. The age-old issue that tore couples apart on the daily. He knew Eliott would be struggling to understand if the issue was anxiety-related or if Lucas was just being an asshole, which he was want to be every now and then, but that only made Lucas more irate.

Walking along the Seine, Lucas kicks out at a rock and then another, physically exercising his annoyance. The thing was, deep down is wasn’t just anger he felt, it was fear and shock and insurmountable shame, and even the thought of explaining this to Eliott- it is enough to make him sink down on a bench in fatigue, because hasn’t he told enough secrets for once? Hasn’t even opened himself up to pain over and over again these last few weeks? So, seeing what Lucas saw in conjunction with someone else being worried about you and constantly asking if you are okay when you most definitely are not is too much. To be worrying about someone else’s feelings when you are consumed by your own mounting despair is enough emotional grievance to knock you out for a lifetime.

Today at 13:15

Le gang

yann: my dudes who’s up for a night of gaming at mine? bazzz: HELL YES I’M IN arthur: idk i’ve got this huge essay to get done by tomorrow arthur: and i haven’t started yet bazzz: yikes arthur: lucas!!!!!! have u done it yet?? bazzz: come on we haven’t hung out in ages bazzz: are you’ll really choosing work over spending time with ME?! yann: i have bEER arthur: bold of you to assume i’d bunk of uni work for beer bazzz: we’ve got arthur! yann: lulu! where u at? arthur: lulu! bazzz: lulu!

Lucas clicks off the chat, puts it on silent and pulls up Manon’s.

Today at 13:27

Manon

lucas: hey u around? Manon: hey!! Manon: yeah i am Manon: what are you thinking? lucas: ummm wanna go for a walk? Manon: i’d love to

After deciding where to meet, Lucas begins to stroll across one of the many bridges that cross the river. In an attempt to clear his mind of Eliott and their argument, he marvels at the beauty of his city, at all the history that these old and ornate buildings must contain; the grey water washing by them, dividing banks and creating islands. He walks by children already wrapped up in coats and hats but licking away at vanilla ice-creams. There are two men in suits locked in a heated exchange, jaws tight and eyes narrowed. A couple up ahead leans against the side of the bridge, entangled in each other’s arms, blonde hair whipping against their faces: Lucas looks away quickly at the surge in his chest. And just beyond them, he spots a red pea-coat: Manon. Dressed in woolly tights, her brown hair tied in a loose braid, she clutches a paperback book in one hand, her elbows rest on the off-white arm of the bridge, discoloured by the grim of urban life.

When they meet, Lucas falls into her outstretched arms as though this place, here, is a refuge amidst a storming sea. He doesn’t cry, but he remains there for a while. If Lucas had to describe Manon he would wax poetic about her. She’s closer to a sister to him than a friend, but then who ever said a person couldn’t be both to you?

Drawing away from each other, they smile and return to look over the bridge where Manon rests her book. Lucas observes the cover and the authors name as recognition hits and he’s turning back to Manon, incredulously, as he exclaims, “No way! What the hell? Is that the last book?”

Manon is grinning and holding it up to Lucas’ face. “Yep! Had to pre-order it and everything. Just went to pick it up from the shop, actually.”

“I can’t believe it. We waited, what, five years for it and now it’s actually here? Fuck.”

When they were twelve, there was this fantasy book series everyone was reading about magicians and vampires, empires falling and rising, quests for lost artefacts and stolen celestial swords. Suffice it to say, Lucas and Manon were obsessed; they would queue up outside the bookstore for midnight releases with Manon’s older brother and parents, they would have reading parties together on weekends, but it was also one of those series where the last book kept getting pushed back until it’s release seemed a fallacy, but after seven years, the final book was out.

Lucas grabbed the book proffered to him and scanned the cover and back, flipping the book open like a fan. The smell of newly printed pages ready to be devoured and loved was an inexplicable bliss. He placed it in reach of Manon whose back was against the bridge’s sides and face directed towards Lucas, her blue gaze is searching. He pretends to be interested in the boats disappearing beneath him, but he’s forgotten Manon can out-wait him, she has the patience of a saint. What’s more is she has always thought of Lucas as a younger brother despite their birthdays only between two weeks apart — one week, six days, two hours and 19 minutes exactly if you ask Lucas — making her infinitely more willing to spend minutes, hours in silence until he is ready to open up or can’t stand the silence so he fills it meaningless words which eventually unwinds into the deeper stuff, because Manon makes the time to be there for everyone she holds dear. Lucas is one of those lucky people, he knows that.

In this way, while the wind insists on dispelling summer in favour of autumn, as Manon waits out Lucas and the sky grows grey in alliance with the wind and the Seine leads its placid journey, winding around the city, Lucas voices what has got him all twisted up inside for the past week, the catalyst for this argument with Eliott.

“I think I saw my father last week. At uni.”

This shocks Manon. Although he isn’t directly looking at here, out of the corner of his eye he sees her blanch at his words, she turns around, standing beside him as though in solidarity, as if she would be able to protect him from what has already happened. His heart clenches at this.

“How are you feeling?” She asks.

Bringing his hand up to chew his thumb nail, Lucas shrugs, which is ridiculous because he knows how he feels, he’s been sinking in this tumult of negativity for seven fucking days.

“You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to go up to him. I wanted to look him dead in the eyes and see if he would even recognise me, to ask him how he could do what he did and claim it was love? How you can do that to someone you’re supposed to love unconditionally? What did I do exactly to make him hate me so much? What did I do? I want to know so I never do it again, so I don’t provoke that kind of behaviour-”

“Listen to me, Lucas. No,” Manon is shaking her head and holding Lucas own between her hands so he is forced to look at her while she speaks. “You did not provoke anything, you hear me? I can’t explain to you why he did what he did to you, why he hurt you. But I do know one thing for certain, and I know you’re tired of hearing me say it but I will say it forever if I have to, this is all on him, nothing you did was wrong. It was all him. All him.”

Biting down on his lip, blinks back tears. “I don’t even know why he was there, and I didn’t want it to become this big thing but Eliott caught on to my mood, I mean, how could he not? And I didn’t feel like talking about it, not after telling him about my father, my anxiety. It would’ve just been overboard for him, you know?”

“No, I don’t know. Lucas, he’s there, right? Wanting to be with you. In relationships there are times where you don’t want to say how you feel and you don’t want to express the messy shit, but Lucas, if this is going on for an extended period of time you have got to let him in. It’s unfair otherwise. You’re part of a team now.”

Lucas sighs.

“Unless he’s been an asshole and said something-”

“No! He hasn’t-”

“-because then I’ll be having words with him.”

That brings a smile to Lucas’ lips. Hearing Manon threaten someone — even thinking it sounds ridiculous in his head — is always a shock because she’s Manon, always flocking to make sure everyone is okay, wearing their coats when it’s cold, ensuring everyone has a ride home after a night out.

“No, he’s great. I’m the asshole, but what’s new, right?”

Throwing an arm around Lucas’ shoulder, easily done because they’re the same height, Manon frowns. “Just talk to him, my love. For him, for your relationship, but, most importantly, for yourself. Now, say this together with me ‘I am not an asshole’.”

Lucas rolls his eyes but Manon is serious. She begins to open her mouth and when Lucas makes no effort to join her she stops and glares, full force, at him until he obliges with another sigh.

“I am not an asshole.”

“And again.”

“I. Am. Not. An. Asshole.”

“Whoop! That is so true, Lucas. You aren’t. Alright, let’s hobble along somewhere, it’s kinda chilly out here. I think my toes are about to stop working.”

“Okay, okay.”

Linking arms, the two friends find a coffee shop to sit at, a feat on days such as this when everyone is seeking the warmth of the inside, clutching warm mugs of hot chocolate between their hands they speak of lighter things, less serious but just as important.

By the time eight o’clock rolls around, Lucas is feeling hopelessly guilty about leaving Eliott’s place that afternoon. Manon’s words play on his mind: You have got to let him in. It’s unfair otherwise. You’re part of a team now. But because he’s the king of avoidance, Lucas has agreed to go to Yann’s for a gaming night and he’s rationalised to himself that that is okay, because he hasn’t seen the boys in a while and he misses them and Eliott is probably off hanging out with Idriss and Sofiane, so he’s okay and they can speak tomorrow. It can all be sorted out tomorrow.

On his way over to Yann’s, he begins typing an apologetic text to Eliott, it screams pathetic and cheap, everything he should say in person. Cursing in frustration, Lucas deletes it all, at least he tries to and he does erase most of it but his thumb slips onto the send button in his frustration.

Today 20:04

eliott

lucas: i’m

FUCK.

He shoves his phone into the front pocket of his grey hoodie, and of course this happened, he really can’t catch a break can he?

He gets no response. Radio silence. Hopefully hanging with le gang will be distraction enough.

For the first hour Lucas is caught up in the fervor of his friends’ excitement about a new season of a TV show about a family gang in Birmingham, England on netflix. They settle on Yann’s sofa, pulling up beanbags and lazy-boys to rest their feet on; despite their apparent enthusiasm they talk through the entirety of the first episode, making poor imitations of the Birmingham accent, Baz laments about how attractive the leading male is and Lucas can’t do anything but agree.

As the night goes by, however, Lucas becomes restless, he plays one game with Yann and then a team game with Arthur and Basile. He drinks flat coca-cola and chooses the music they listen to, but there, in the background of everything is Eliott’s face when Lucas left. When he is choosing the next song to play he thinks back to the many nights when they would talk on the phone before bed and Eliott would play Lucas the piano music he had grown to love, sometimes falling asleep to it, lulled by tender notes and impossibly smooth melodies. He should be there. With Eliott.

So he leaves, apologising profusely, promising to meet them at lunch on Monday, his mouth agreeing to anything while his one-track mind retains its steady focus on one boy. He is running in the dark, the sky jet-black where weeks ago the sunset was only beginning be set. Impossibly, a few stars peak through the light-pollution endemic to most cities and the moon is there, coaxing him on his way, as if to say hurry hurry you’re almost there. Out of breath and surely sweating Lucas does not stop. He doesn’t text Eliott; he will wait outside his place until he comes home, he will wait forever if that is what it takes.

Lucas is anxious now. He presses the buzzer for Eliott’s door, hoping against hope that he will be forgiven for walking out.

“Hello?”

“It’s me. Lucas.”

Silence.

Lucas is there on the steps, panting from his run, his heart galloping in his chest for more than one reason he can count. It feels like an eternity before he hears the tell-tale sound of the front door buzzing and he’s pushing it open, climbing up the stairs to Eliott’s door. It is down the end of the corridor, the last one on his floor, and Eliott is there, in the doorway, watching Lucas as he walks towards him and it is agony: he can feel the guilt’s full force curling in his stomach. Lucas is suddenly self-conscious, he wants the floor to swallow him up. His steps are hesitant. He stops a few feet away from Eliott. Wanting to hug him.

“Can I come in?” His words are stilted, coated in uncertainty.

“Why are you here?” Eliott looks tired.

“I want to talk.”

“Okay.” He doesn’t budge a single inch.

Looks like Lucas is going to have to do this here. In the hallway. Where any number of people can just walk by. At least Eliott hasn’t shut the door in his face.

“I’m sorry. For shutting you out, refusing to talk to you. For being mean,” At this, Eliott’s composure starts to falter, Lucas understands then that his annoyed posture was all an act, possibly an attempt to guard himself from hurt, and that nicks at his heart a little. “For walking out earlier, I should have stayed. I’m just really sick of feeling vulnerable all the time, I feel like I can’t catch a break and then I take it out on you by being cold.

“I saw my father last week, unintentionally, he was at uni and it’s the first time since he left that I’ve laid eyes on him. It brought back all the shame and humiliation. I wanted to walk up to him, like I’ve imagined doing multiple times over the years and confronting him, but all I could do was run the other way. I hate that this man still has this power over me. Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that I hurt you-”

Eliott is stepping forward and wrapping his arms around Lucas, pulling him into his apartment and holding him against the door.

“Please don’t be mad.” Lucas’ voice comes out muffled against Eliott’s chest.

“I’m not mad. The truth is I’d rather be annoyed by you than not have you at all. I want to know when you’re in pain and why. And you were, I could see it and it hurt to know you were fighting something on your own. I am so sorry, Lucas.”

“You have nothing to apologise for.”

“Remember what I told you, yeah? You are not alone.”

Lucas’ heart clenches at those words. How does Eliott think of and say things like that, so sincere like it is effortless, like it costs him nothing but the air he breathes to say them.

He pulls back from Eliott, head tilted up against the door. “You need to stop that.”

“Stop what?” Eliott cups Lucas’ face

“Saying those romantic things.”

“And you need to know that you have nothing,” He says fiercely. “To be ashamed about. You are not what happened to you. You are magnificent, and I can’t believe how lucky I am that you choose to be with me.”

“I love you.” The words slip out, Lucas widens his eyes and Eliott is laughing at Lucas’ brazenness. Simultaneously, his eyes shift and brighten, as if Lucas’ confession has changed the very colour of Eliott’s eyes, as if those three words have changed him.

A kiss, soft and tender. ”Not as much as I love you.”

Another kiss just as tender and slow, torturously slow. “Yeah, yeah. Now carry me to your bed, please.”

They stumble there, stripping off their clothes as much as they can while kissing and touching each other. As soon as Lucas hits Eliott’s bed though he is enraptured by the softness of his duvet and pillow and he sighs contentedly.

Eliott looks up from where he was kissing down Lucas’ chest and lets out a disbelievingly laugh when he sees Lucas snuggling into his pillows. He crawls up Lucas’ body until he is caging him in and looking directly down at him. Eliott, straddling Lucas’ hips now, plants a hard, searing kiss on his lips which Lucas is all too happy to reciprocate, clutching Eliott at the hips.

“You are ridiculous.”

“Ridiculously into you.” Lucas winks.

Eliott rolls over, laying his head on Lucas’ chest. “You’re tired.”

“Yeah…Your bed…Morning sex, instead?”

“Sure.”

From his position on Lucas’ chest, Eliott caresses Lucas’ lower stomach, running his fingers lightly over the skin, raising goose bumps in their wake.

Je t’aime.

Moi aussi.

#elu fic #elu #skam france #eliott demaury #lucas lallemant #mine #go ahead and watch my heart burn

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mx-sfthrs · 5 years

Text

a/n: umm idk what to call this i thought this would be better in this format but uhhhh i dont have a title prompt was jooheon is spending the night for the first time but u end up throwing up :( (i tagged it but warning: vomit ahead, except i rlly dont go into too much detail but u kno still)

alright quick bkg youre on new meds that make u nauseous okay u just got over a cold but these antibiotics did not come to play bitch but here's the problem

jooheon is supposed to spend the night tonight

so thought u could pull it together because u rlly wanted him to come but u were one burp away from vomiting so u go to text him to cancel

as u open the chat he texts "cant wait for tonight :)"

so u force down some antacid and hope for the best ok

sure enough u feel better !! so u eat the food he brought over and watch movies and have ur cute date night okay yall know how movie nights go

but as yall r brushing ur teeth the antacids wear off and all of a sudden youre rlly nauseous

having something in ur mouth didnt help and before u know it ur seeing ur dinner again in the toilet ew

jh is v sweet tho he lives w 6 other boys things b nasty sometimes ok so he takes ur toothbrush away and holds ur hair back n rubs ur back n stuff wow

it's not too bad and u feel a million times better afterwards until u realize u just got on the bus to vom city in front of your new ish boyfie

u freak out and tell him he can leave and profusely apologize

he's like i mean do u think ur contaigous??

u explain that youre on medicine that makes u feel nauseous but since u just threw it up you're all good now

ur just embarassed because let's face no one looks cute leaned over a toilet

so yeah he's like "mk well then hope u like waffles cos im gonna make some tomorrow morning" as he hands u a cup of mouthwash

helps u up and every thing and gets u into bed all nice n cozy

leaves water, antacid, trashcan, and mouthwash by your bed just in case

u dont rlly feel like cuddling so he jus holds ur hand until u fall asleep

#monsta x #jooheon #fluff #scenario #imagine #request #girlbebe #neutralbebe #tw vomit

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choisgirls · 7 years

Note

This is my first time requesting a headcannon from anyone! ((I'm asking you guys because I love how you guys write, it's amazing!)) I was wondering if you could do a RFA + V + Saeran reaction to MC accidentally taking a drug thinking it's candy? ((You don't have to do this if it's too weird or something!! I'm sorry!! ;-; I'm so embarrassed lol))

A/N: Me?? the first??? i am hoNOURED ;u; HHHNNNNN I HOPE THIS ISOKAY SORRY I STRAYED FROM THE “THINKING ITS CANDY” PART SOMETIMES;;;;~Admin 404

Me @ Saerans: im sorry no im not

Idk if this is a TW or anything but… drug mention warning??Right here??

*YOOSUNG:

-Yo he goesto /college/. /COLLEGE PARTIES MY FRIENDS./

-He doesn’tnormally go but friends invited him, and he invited you! Totally wasn’t becausehe wanted to show you off to people??? No????

-But youseemed a little more comfortable at these things than he did, you evendisappeared for a little while

-He spentalmost an hour trying to find you amongst the sea of people, and when he didfind you, you seemed confused, dazed, and just completely out of it

-Tried askingyou what was wrong and all you could do was stare at him with your eyes glossedover for a solid minute before you reacted to him actually being there

-When youmade sense of his presence, you smiled and welcomed him very slowly beforesticking your tongue out to touch it

-“Yoosung,is my tongue big? Is it.. big.. oh my god its growing. What if it won’t fit inmy mouth anymore?? YooSUNG WHaT WiLL I Do?!”

-You nolonger had volume control over your voice and he is very concerned. One secondyou’re yelling, the next you’re whispering. What was wrong with you?? You werestarting to scare him;;

-It took asolid 5 minutes for you to explain to him that someone had offered you somechocolate and you never turned down chocolate! But he remembered hearingsomeone say something about “edibles”.. is.. is that what it was? Didyou mistakenly take drugs?! Why weren’t you more careful?!

-Strugglesto carry you home- arm thrown around his shoulder as his arms around your hip,the two of you have to stop every now and again because you’re contemplatingeverything around you. Once he’s got you home, he immediately tucks you into bed.Of course he went to the group chat to figure out what he should do, andSaeyoung told him to just make sure you slept it off.

-In themorning he lectured you that you can’t take chocolate from people you don’tknow!! Especially if it doesn’t smell right- what in the world made you thinkit was safe;; Also, now refuses invites to parties because he doesn’t want totake you to another one and have this happen again

*ZEN:

-HE WAS INA MOTORCYCLE GANG YOU CAN PRY THE THOUGHT THAT HE’S NEVER DONE DRUGS OUT OF MYCOLD DEAD HANDS

-Whenstored correctly in an airtight baggy or pill bottle in the correct conditions,it’s possible to preserve ecstasy pills for /years/ at a time.

-Cue springcleaning when the two of you are going through old boxes and clothing and youfind this small bag full of smiley face shaped things. They looked like shapedsweettarts and those are the type of candies that you eat when you find them,you never go out of your way to get them yourself, so you thought why not.Though it wasn’t sour, it was just really bitter and nasty and there was no wayyou were going to eat another one

-But whenZen came in to check on you after finishing his own portion of cleaning, hefound you chewing the fabric of your shirt. Why were you chewing your shirt?Were you hungry? Were you focusing? Did you need him to get you some gum???Stop doing that!!!!

-When younoticed him come into the room, your face immediately lit up. You gave him thebiggest smile you could manage, and you started to welcome him into the room.But welcoming him turned into talking about his clothes. Talking about hisclothes led to talking to him about the room. Talking about the room led totalking about him. And talking about him led to a 10 minute long ramble thatconsisted of repeating “I love you so much” and telling him howgorgeous he was.

-Of course,that was a favourite topic amongst the two of you normally, but you justseemed… off this time. You seemed… /too/ excited to talk about him. Too inlove. Too…. happy

-He satdown in front of you to take a good look at your eyes and read your actions.You smiled at him all over again and the very second you touched his face he/knew/ what had happened.

-“WHEREDID YOU GET THAT. MC. RIGHT NOW. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT.” “Zenny~ Getwhat? Why are you yelling? Oh! Are we cheering? I can cheer! YAY ZEN YA-”“No no, sweetheart, sit down, please.”

-After fightingto get you to show him what you took, he was mortified. E-ecstasy? Where didyou get that? It was his? When did he have this? HOW LONG AGO DID HE CLEAN OUTHIS CLOSET?

-He got youa styrofoam cup full of water, he knew at some point you were going to bethirsty, /and/ need to chew on something. He didn’t want you to chew on yourclothes anymore, nor did he want you to accidently bite your tongue;;

-For oncehe’s silent the rest of the day, making sure you’ve got something to chew on,listening to you ramble on and on about how nice the house is and how amazingyou thought he was. Definitely made sure to get rid of that baggy… and gothrough a few other boxes from him gang days to make sure there was nothingelse in there. Definitely lectures you on eating things you randomly find inold boxes among other things;

*JAEHEE:

-MC who inthe world thinks accepting any sort of offer in a bathroom is okay??

-You getoffered some chocolate in the bathroom, most people would immediately decline.Who.. who accepts that? MC? Why?

-Younoticed it tasted a little gross but you didn’t want to be rude and spit it outin front of the people offering it to you, so you finished the piece and madeyour way back to the dinner table where Jaehee was waiting.

-She was alittle concerned when she could smell the drug, but she didn’t think you didanything of the sort, and chalked it up to be someone near your table.

-However,once your eyes started to turn a little red and glazed over, she decided thatyou must have truly taken the drug, and paid the bill as quickly as possible soshe could get you home.

-On thewalk home was when it really kicked in. You kept telling her how soft her handswere, because you couldn’t remember that you had just told her the exact samething, word for word.

-Youstumbled a little when you walked and kept trying to sit in the middle of thesidewalk because your legs felt like jelly.

-At onepoint you started to cry because you weren’t sure why in the world anyone woulddrop their half eaten pretzel on the ground and leave it there, where evenbirds couldn’t reach it to eat. She couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculousyou sounded, though she was still extremely angry that you had taken drugs onyour date??

-Once shegot you home and you sat down, she watched as your head would dip down beforeyou snapped it right back up to look at her. Apparently you kept blacking outin the matter of seconds before you woke back up and she wanted you to just laydown and sleep.

-Figured itcouldn’t hurt to ask you just what happened back at the restaurant. You toldher about the people in the bathroom who offered you some of their chocolateand you kept giggling because you couldn’t believe someone would be nice enoughto just offer some chocolate to a stranger in the bathroom. That’s when itclicked that you had no idea what was hiding within the sweet.

-Made yousleep it off the rest of the night. You better believe you’re getting one ofthe biggest, emotion-filled lectures of your life the moment you wake upbecause she needs to tell you about the dangers of just blindly taking ANYTHINGfrom strangers??? And she also had to explain to you what you had even done?And what was in the chocolate you decided to eat. Momma Jaehee, scolding you2kforever.

*JUMIN:

-Being hiss/o can be dangerous and let me explain why for just a second

-Of course,being the s/o of someone as popular (and handsome.. and rich… and powerful..)as Jumin Han, there is not only a lot of attention thrown your way, but there’salways someone who gets jealous (whether of you or of him)

-So, youalways have to be on your toes because you never know what might happen, orwhat someone might do to you. Of course you have bodyguards but sometimes theycan slip up as well.

-Like, notnoticing that someone had slipped something into your drink?

-Normally,Jumin watches you and your surroundings like a hawk because he’s alwaysconcerned for you, but this time even he was distracted talking business with apotential new client and didn’t see it happen.

-Luckilyfor the two of you, you had left the party early to head home, but on the waythere, whatever you had drank started to kick in.

-Your legsgave out right before you passed the doorway and he caught you just in time.Completely distraught, and carried you quickly to the couch. Tried to ask youwhat was wrong, but you couldn’t get the words out of your mouth, all it endedup sounding like was one large mumble. You seemed to struggle to move yourlimbs until you couldn’t anymore.

-Immediatelycalled a doctor to make a house visit. He didn’t care how late it was, he’d paywhatever he had to, so long as he could find out what was happening to you. Andafter the doctors analysis, it was obvious that someone had tried to slip you aRohypnol without you realizing it, and he was glad he brought you home beforeanything else had happened.

-Not only doeshe increase his security in general, but he assigns a specific body guard towatch your drinks the next time the two of you went out as well as one to stayclose by you at all times at said parties.

-Stays nextto you the whole time, never sleeping until you’re able to come to. He blameshimself the whole time and cannot help but think of every possible scenariothat could have happened to you that night. He knows it isn’t your fault, buthe’s still just so worried about you. He’s never been more stressed.

-Hepromises to take care of you better from then on. He would never let anyonehurt you again, no matter what it took. The two of you have to hold each otherin reassurance (obviously whenever you’re feeling alright and are okay with it,he understands that it’s a scary occurrence and realizes it’s quite possiblefor you to be jumpy and not want to be touched for a large amount of timeafterwards)

*SAEYOUNG:

-You can’ttell me he doesn’t have various drugs he uses as weapons on missions, you justcan’t.

-He tellsyou to stay out of the room where he keeps his equipment, but do you listen?Yeah usually

-But youfelt bad that Vanderwood was the one who always had to clean everything, so youdecided you would help out and clean a few rooms! His equipment room being oneof them.

-Now,Saeyoung is known to leave food around. Everywhere. And I mean, any type offood as well. Half empty chip bags, week old slices of pizza, a slice oflasagna you made three weeks ago- that’s disgusting Saeyoung.

-So comingacross something that looks almost candy like isn’t really uncommon in yourhousehold. Though, whatever you just picked up and decided to throw in yourmouth was not… your best decision.

-A whilelater, you managed to stumble into the room where Saeyoung was sitting, typingaway at his computer. You kept trying to talk but all your words stumbled andyou couldn’t think straight. You kept stumbling and felt your knees gettingweak. He looked over right as you fell to the ground and he’s never run over toyou faster in his life

-Soconcerned, he kept asking what was wrong and watched you try to talk, but notonly was your mouth unable to move, your body went limp. He recognized thesymptoms immediately and called out to Vanderwood to come help the two of you

-He laidyou in bed and got you some water and just tried to get you to sleep- there wasno other way to get it out of your system but wait it out

-Vanderwoodcame in with a judgmental look on their face, “Did they really just takesome random thing they found? Why do you have these lying around, Seven?”

-When youfinally came to, he was so relieved and was constantly apologizing before aswitch flipped and he started to scold you. What would possess you to just..eat something you found? What do you mean it looked like candy? He doesn’tleave food around! Okay.. yes he does.. but really, MC! Why were you in hisequipment room? W-why were you turning this around on him? He has that Rohypnolfor missions! You could just ask Vanderwood!

-Vanderwoodadmits to slipping them to Seven sometimes when they’re done dealing with him,how rude.

*JIHYUN:

-‘Jihyunwould never do drugs!’ -you, probably, at me. Me, at you, dear reader: ‘Rip thethought of it out of my cold, dead hands’

-Sometimeshe just has to calm down, the poor dude has dealt with so much shit and justneeds a little help to clear his mind and the tobacco pipe just doesn’t alwayshelp.

-Surprisinglylikes sour candy! So he gets some infused sour peach rings and they’re hisfavourites.

-But heneglected to tell you that they were infused?? And that you probably shouldn’teat them?? Nor should you eat more than a few…

-So when hecame home to find you laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, trying tocount how many times the fan spun around, he figured pretty quickly that youhad gotten into his candy and he sighed

-He laiddown next to you on the ground, watching the fan as well while he asked youwhat you had eaten to confirm his suspicions. When you told him you had somepeach rings, he couldn’t stop the soft laugh that came out afterwards

-Totallyeats a few as well so the two of you can just relax and practically melt intothe floor

-Youcouldn’t stop talking. Anything and everything that came to your mind came outof your mouth. It was slow and thought out, but still came out. Every word waslike heaven to his ears and he felt like he could just float along with yourvoice

-The two ofyou just talk and speculate about the future, about the past, sometimes the twoof you come up with extremely odd (but funny) thoughts about the rest of yourfriends

-You keptrunning your hand through his hair and kept telling him just how amazingly softit felt and he could just tell that you had way more than he had. He had toremember to lecture you not to eat every kind of candy you find.

-Or… toat least not eat as much as you did. And definitely not do it alone

*SAERAN (or… Ray *insert the eye emoji here*):

-“MC,here, I made this specially for you.”

-In thebottle was a bright, blue, sweet smelling liquid. You didn’t know what it was,exactly, but it was obviously very odd.

-You tookthe bottle. Ray hasn’t given you any sort of bad vibe or reason to not trusthim the whole time you’ve been here. Though, he kept telling you that steps hadto be taken to allow you to stay there, with him, for as long as you’d like.

-“MC,”he started, gently wrapping his hand around your own that held the bottle,“Please. Don’t you trust me? I care about you a lot..” his voicedropped off as he looked from your eyes to the ground.

-After adeep breath, you broke away from his grip to bring the bottle to your lips. Inone fluid motion, you let the sweet tasting liquid run down the back of yourthroat. It burned a bit going down, but immediately numbed afterwards.

-You methis eyes, as his face lit up with joy. Eyes started to sparkle, and his smilegrew bigger than you’ve seen it the past few days

-He tookyour hand in his, bringing it up to his lips to plant a small kiss on yourknuckles as he waited for the elixir to kick in. He watched, as you started tolightly shake and threw your hands to your head, holding it and squeezing youreyes shut.

-Your headstarted to pound as the room began to spin. Your eyes started to wateruncontrollably and you couldn’t make sense of any of your surroundings. Soundsmixed together and seems to scream in your ears. Your breath hitched in yourthroat and you started to gasp for air.

-Ray buriedhis hand into the hair at the back of your head, pulling you close to his chest

-He placeda small kiss to the top of your head, smirking against your hair softly

-“Youaren’t leaving me, MC.”

Masterlist

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tokyoknj · 7 years

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a load of tags! ✨🌟☀️

lmao i was busy doing uni stuff but now i finally got round to these so Enjoy !

obviously u don’t have to do all of them just do whatever u feel u kno? anyway

i’m tagging u all up here lmao so i’m tagging @namsieur @wingscomeback @sugaegyc @sugasideup @sheloveskook @cryptidhobi @gaycypher @namjooniewifey @iluwonho @jiminsarroz @stigmz @dreamjimn @mochiminii let me know if u don’t want to be tagged in stuff like this !!

get to know me tag

answer the 20 questions and tag 20 followers that you would like to know better.

i was tagged by @monnyoongi thank u zuza!

name: alice

nickname: i don’t really like any of my nicknames? lmao

zodiac sign: cancer

height: 5′8″

orientation: A Whole Bi

nationality: british

favourite fruit: mangos!

favourite season: either summer or autumn

favourite flower: either roses or tulips

favourite scent: like just a fresh summer evening lmao

favourite colour: pink, red + orange

favourite animal: sharks !

average hours of sleep: i think 9?

favourite fictional character: clarice bean

number of blankets you sleep with: always just the one

dream trip: either dubrovnik, mykonos or the amalfi coast

blog created: last april

get to know me again

rules: answer 30 questions & tag 20 blogs you would like to know better

tagged by @yoongicrew thank u rena !!

1. nicknames: still none lol

2. gender: female

3. star sign: cancer

4. height: 5′8″

5. time: 4:24 pm

6. birthdate: july 21st

7. fave band(s): bts, blackpink, red velvet, lany

8. fave solo artist: gallant, Queen CRJ, kehlani

9. song currently stuck in my head: saw you in a dream - the japanese house

10. last movie watched: spiderman homecoming and i Loved it

11. last show watched: first dates

12. when I created this blog: last april

13. what I post: 95% kpop, 5% aesthetic

14. last thing I googled: “that flute song” still don’t know what the song is. its not mask off tho

15. any other blogs?: my aesthetic blog dadcrisis that i’ve had since like 2012... christ

16. do you get asks?: not very often but its all good

17. why I chose my url: i love mister rap monster

18. following: 919

19. followers: 809

20. fave colours: pink, red, orange

21. average hours of sleep: 9

22. lucky number: 8

23. play any instruments?: drums

24. currently wearing: my pyjamas xoxo

25. how many blankets I sleep with: just one

26. dream job: oh idk. charming radio host probably

27. dream trip: just v scenic places across europe

28. fave food: any cured ham... Hell Yes

29. nationality: british

30. fave song currently: you better know - red velvet

kpop q’s

tagged by @teambusan thank u sabes xoxo

1. who was your first female bias?

i think it was jennie i was very late to girl groups lmao

2. who was your first male bias?

namjoon.... what a guy

3. who are your current biases? other than the above:

johnny, jinjin, rosé, jiwoo, wonpil, dahyun, luna, jooheon, shownu + dean

4. in the entire kpop industry, who is the closest to your ideal type?

probably shownu... like he’s a sweet n humble dad who is just also fine as hell... thats what i’m about ! also jennie like she’s just Gorgeous™ like i would lay down my life for her in a heartbeat tbh

5. have you ever attended any kpop concert / fanmeeting / fan sign?

How Dare You

6. if yes, which group / artist? how was the experience?

i cannot believe this disrespect

7. which group /artist would you like to see live?

bts, blackpink, monsta x. day6 !

8. how did you get into kpop?

my friend showed me fantastic baby (lmao) when we were like 15 and then i dropped it for a bit but then i saw a dance practice for no more dream like last year so now i am Here

9. who are your otps?

whom????

10. when did you start to ship them?

🤔🤔🤔

11. what is your favorite fanfic genre?

honestly i’ll read whatever turns up on my dash as long as it’s not involving furries or anything Truly Nasty

12. what is your favorite music genre?

pop has and always will be my fave but i like other stuff too ofc xoxo

five things tag

Rules: you’ll have to tag 15 people at the end of this challenge

tagged by @cypherpart420 thank u linsey ily!

five things you’ll find in my bag: purse hand sanitiser keys vaseline water

five things you’ll find in my bedroom: Trash Mountain nik naks fan approx. seven 1d posters radio

five things i’ve always wanted to do: go to glasto ! go on a trip just to look at palaces across europe lmao see bts ! adopt 2 dogs and live my best life go somewhere with a really clear view of the stars and just Cry

five things that make me happy: family dogs my pals xoxo listening to music baking

five things i’m currently into: fake nails crafting my Brand lmao big brother hydration arrested development

five things on my to do list: embark on my Fitness Journey get my professional blog going plan what i’m doing for my bday get a skincare routine get money

once again, get to know me

i was tagged by @parkmochibean thanks natasha!

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST: 1. drink: water 2. phone call: my sister 3. text message: my friend explaining exo sub-units to me lmao 4. song you listened to: young & free - xiumin and mark 5. time you cried: probably looking through val from bake off’s insta she’s just the cutest 6. dated someone twice: no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yep ! 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: only my whole uni career 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: only twice i know my limits now lmao

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: 12-14. pink, red and orange

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: ofc! 18. found out someone was talking about you: yes lmao 19. met someone who changed you: yes 20 found out who your friends are: yes 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: no

GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them 23. do you have any pets: no :’( 24. do you want to change your name: no i enjoy her 25. what did you do for your last birthday: went for afternoon tea w my family 26. what time did you wake up: 11am its summer now i do what i want 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: idk chilling i guess 28. name something you can’t wait for: my birthday !! 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like an hour ago 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: idk if i’d been confident Forever i think that would be pretty good? 31. what are you listening to right now: faking it - kehlani, lil yachty, calvin harris 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my older sister she’s just so Loud 34. most visited website: this or youtube 35-37. lost questions?? 38. hair colour: brown 39. long or short hair: i want long but i’ve got medium rn lmao 40. do you have a crush on someone: no 41. what do you like about yourself: i’m good 2 my family and i think i’m quite nice? tbh? 42. piercings: ears + nose 43. bloodtype: idk yikes 44. nickname: none lmao 45. relationship status: Single™ 46. zodiac: cancer 47. pronous: she/her 48. favourite tv show: bojack horseman, rpdr 49. tattoos: just one (1) 50. right or left handed: right 51. surgery: on my hand and i was awake for it but they played me some 1d so it was chill 52. piercing: ok i literally just answered this 53. sport: thats cute 55. vacation: just various fancy places across europe before brexit ruins that free movement 56. pair of trainers: i only wear my adidas but they’re on the verge of death now rip

MORE GENERAL 57. eating: werthers originals i’m a nan 58. drinking: water 59. i’m about to: go tf to sleep 61. waiting for: my birthday lmao 62. want: money and ideally a job that looks promising 63. get married: Who Can Never Be Sure? 64. career: either radio or social media

WHICH IS BETTER 65. hugs or kisses: hugs 66. lips or eyes: eyes 67. shorter or taller: don’t really mind 68. older or younger: older 70. nice arms or nice stomach: also don’t mind lmao 71. sensitive or loud: sensitive 72. hook up or relationship: relationship 73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. kissed a stranger: yes 75. drank hard liquor: yes 76. lost glasses/contact lenses: my first pair of glasses... rip 77. turned someone down: yes 78. sex on the first date: no 79. broken someone’s heart: probs not? i hope not 80. had your heart broken: no 81. been arrested: no 82. cried when someone died: yes 83. fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. yourself: Always ! 85. miracles: sure why not 86. love at first sight: no 87. santa claus: he’s doing his best 88. kiss on the first date: sure 89. angels: idk?

OTHER: 90. current best friend’s name: robin 91. eye colour: green/blue 92. favourite movie: i’m basic it’s love actually

shuffle tag

tagged by @kpopeyton thank you !

rules: you can tell a lot about a person based on the type of music they listen to. put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

wake up alone / amy winehouse

first love / bts

pyramids / frank ocean

i didn’t just come here to dance / carly rae jepsen

girl girl girl / triple h

21st century girl / bts

you better know / red velvet

wolves / one direction

coffee / miguel

view / shinee

#about #sorry if the tags don't work/notifs want to be messy !!

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foursprouthappiness-blog · 7 years

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My Favorite Thought Catalog Pieces From 2017 (So Far)

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/my-favorite-thought-catalog-pieces-from-2017-so-far/

My Favorite Thought Catalog Pieces From 2017 (So Far)

Advice

How To Get Out Of Bed by Kim Quindlen

One the things that is hardest for me to describe to people who don’t understand depression and anxiety is that sometimes it feels like literally doing anything is impossible. Once when I was incredibly depressed I didn’t put sheets back onto my bed for 4 days even though they were in the dryer, clean and ready to be reassembled. I felt very ~seen~ by this article. And while putting it under advice may seem sort of weird given how/why I relate to it, I think it’s important when you’re in one of those whirlpools where it feels like everything is impossible that even the tiniest things, like getting out of bed (even if you don’t have the energy to make it), is a win.

Excerpt: “Make it to the bathroom. Feel proud of yourself for getting this far. Brush your teeth. Wash your face with cold water. Feel a little more awake afterwards.”

11 Reasons Why Independent Women Often Feel They Aren’t Wired For Love by Brianna Wiest

I hate saying that I read something and thought, “me” but I read this and thought, “me.” I recently tried to explain to someone why I’m not interested in relationships and found myself struggling to get anything out other than an awkward, “Ummm, cuz.” This piece by Brianna put into words exactly what I was feeling without telling me how to “fix myself” which I 100% appreciated.

Excerpt: “It’s not always ‘safe’ to try to do things alone, it’s not always ‘safe’ to try to be in a relationship. Life shouldn’t be built around what’s safe, it should be built around what’s worth the risk.”

On Living Your Own Strange Life by Chrissy Stockton

I am filled with a lot of doubt and things like loneliness and uncertainty and a huge fear of not ever being enough. But there are days when I look around at my strange little apartment filled with flea market trinkets or watch my dog lounge next to me while I eat tacos from my favorite food truck alone, and I feel so peaceful. My life looks nothing like what I thought it would in my early twenties, but it’s still a pretty decent one. This essay Chrissy wrote perfectly encapsulates that exact notion.

Excerpt: “I am on an adventure that I chose and planned and paid for. I am going to do exactly what I feel like doing for all the days stretched out before me. There are brief moments when I breathe in and out and know that this is the way it is supposed to be.”

I Am Slowly Learning What It Means To Be Human by Bianca Sparacino

I think one of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn (and am still learning) is that it’s okay to make mistakes and to stumble because that’s part of just being a human. I rule over myself with an iron fist and even when a mistake isn’t my fault, a part of me feels like it is. One of the things I admire most about Bianca is how much she encourages self-forgiveness and being easy on yourself. I maybe am not (aka: am absolutely not) quite there, but I’m trying.

Excerpt: “I am slowly learning what it means to be human. What it means to make mistakes and learn from them. What it means to be both happy and sad at the same time. I am slowly learning how to do the damn work. How to stop running from what is heavy and uncomfortable in my life. How to take the easy route less and less. How to grow myself, how to be a better person.”

Poetry/Prose

A Brief History Of Falling In Love With Strangers by Ari Eastman

The thing I love about Ari’s writing, other than the fact that it’s idk..great, is her ability to tell a story. Even if it’s just a 120 word poem or this little prosy narrative about her feelings for people she doesn’t really know, everything Ari writes takes you on a journey. I always feel like I’m getting a little window to her life, which is what truly excellent storytelling is all about.

Excerpt: “We meet up in Los Angeles. He holds my hand in the back of the Uber. We talk about poetry and music. I like him. I really like him. But what if it’s not enough? What if I only fall in love at a distance?”

Loving Two People At Once Shouldn’t Be Poetry (But Somehow, It Is) by Caitlin Conlon

I had to read this piece three or four times the first time I saw it to fully comprehend and absorb the scope of the world that Caitlin crafted. I don’t know what to say about it other than it’s incredibly captivating and so, so, so good.

Excerpt: “You’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. They look through you, the glass window in a burning room. It’s ironic that panic buttons cease to matter when everything’s already up in flames. Worrying is useless when you’ve let two things happen to you and neither of them care about burning buildings unless something that they care about is inside. So you burn.”

It’s Hard To Say My Depression Is Back, So I Just Don’t by Ari Eastman

One of my favorites things about the way Ari writes poetry is that it’s clearly written to be consumed by a reader. She doesn’t write from a place of trying to show you how smart she is or overwrite just to make herself sound deep or forcibly impressive. Ari writes the way she speaks, and she writes in a relatable, accessible way. Her poetry makes me feel like poetry is for me too, and that’s what a great writer does. They make you feel welcomed into their world and give you a sense of belonging with the words they put on the page (or screen).

Excerpt: “meaning, people reach out and I want to hide, meaning, I’m mad at the people who didn’t, meaning, I get texts that say R U OK, meaning, my brain is just wrong, okay, meaning, what am I supposed to say?”

I Like That We Can’t Control The Weather by Heidi Priebe

Whenever I find myself in the middle of complicated situations or life transitions, I try (try being the operative word here) to remember how Heidi deals with things. I don’t know many people who are better at putting a positive spin on things than Heidi Priebe. She looks at change (something I deal with terribly) like new adventures, new challenges, new things to conquer. It’s an attitude I so so admire, and one that I am trying to emulate in my own life.

Excerpt: “We can solve so many problems these days but the most frantic city in the world can still be shut down by something as unpredictable as a snow storm.

I like the nasty weather because it reminds us of how human we all are.”

The Eleventh Of September In A Year I Can’t Remember by Chrissy Stockton

I think everyone needs to hit pause on their day sometimes and read writing like Chrissy Stockton’s. Chrissy is the kind of writer I aspire to be like, and this piece with little snapshots of her past Septembers is one I find really, really special.

Excerpt: “I don’t know it yet but I’ve just met someone over work email who will become like a brother. I am in an airport hotel room in Flushing, NY and I gchat my best friend details about my cancelled flight and tell her ‘I want you with me every second.’”

Mental-Health/Mental Wellness

We’re Okay Now (I Think) by Katie Mather

Whether we admit it or not I think we all worry about ourselves and our habits more than social media or the face that we show to the masses would care to cop to. I really appreciated how candid Katie was talking about her relationship with drinking. It made me feel less weird about worrying about alcohol and myself and my relationship with what I consume and needing a minute to figure myself out. To repeat what I said earlier, felt very ~seen~ by this.

Excerpt: “Not Drinking is a weird statement these days that, for whatever reason, can’t properly be justified with “I just don’t want to.” Someone in my office once joked that sober is the new drunk; meaning it’s such a Cool Thing to do now—be sober.”

On Learning What It Truly Means To Surrender by Jillian Stacia

After being diagnosed with anxiety in my twenties I felt like I had to relearn a ton about myself. About why I react to things the way I do, about my sleeping patterns, about what I need when things are overwhelming, about what overwhelming ACTUALLY means. Jillian encapsulated what living with anxiety is like beautifully and vulnerably in this piece, and made me feel very understood by writing about her struggles with balancing her anxiety and the rest of her life.

Excerpt: “Isn’t anxiety the price you pay for success? Isn’t that what gets you there in the first place? The voice in your head that tells you that it’s not enough? That you need to keep going? That you are not there yet so don’t you dare quit?”

Talking To People In My Life Is Absolutely Exhausting Now, When Did That Happen? by Kim Quindlen

I think there’s weird, unspoken assumption that at some point in your twenties you’re just “done” and changing/evolving is really kept to a minimum. That bad things don’t appear out of nowhere and who you are will rarely, if ever, shift. And because of that unspoken idea we’re all very afraid to admit when things aren’t going well, when things aren’t the way they’re “supposed” to be. Maybe it’s because I know and love Kim and feel like I can talk to her about this kind of stuff, but this piece is so honest and talks about one of the things I think we all try to sweep under the rug so perfectly.

Excerpt: “Is this a rite of passage once you’ve left your early twenties? To feel exhausted from talking to almost every single person on this planet? To have always thought you were an extrovert, a Super Outgoing Person Who Loves To Have Fun – and then one day you wake up and small talk actually feels physically painful?”

A Story About Food by Chrissy Stockton

Even after what feels like a forever of exposing ourselves to the masses, I know that there are certain subjects I’m without question protective of when it comes to what I feel comfortable writing about. When Chrissy writes this way she’s amazing at coming from this place of vulnerability gently. It doesn’t come with a demand for attention, it’s not greedy, it’s not attention-seeking or self-absorbed. And she doesn’t have a tone of insisting that you do the same or feel the same way as she does. But by writing it exactly like that, in that gentle way, she’s encouraging me to do just that. Which is, yet again, why I look up to her so much.

Excerpt: “Being good to people feels very sturdy. Being good to myself feels like I am a baby. I feel guilty about needing it.”

Self-Reflection

I Am Just Trying To Be A Person by Kim Quindlen

This is one of the best things anyone’s written on Thought Catalog. Especially post-election and in an era where everything feels tumultuous and out of control and unpredictable and sad. In this essay Kim beautifully said how exhausting just existing is sometimes. Because at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to be humans. And being a human is really, really hard.

Excerpt: “I feel a lot of things. I don’t know anything. I am scared. Sometimes I am filled with joy. I am worried about the world. I am just trying to be a person.”

When You Give Up Your Dream For A ‘Life’ by Shado Evans

There’s this fear I have that happiness and comfort are not able to coexist. That in order to have stability, you’re going to have to give up some semblance of dreaming. And then, an off-shoot of that fear, is that if by some chance you’re lucky enough to find a dream that coincides with a stable, comfortable life, holding onto it will feel like a tightrope act. Shado’s essay was heartfelt and reflective, and perfectly summed up everything I fear about this so, so well.

Excerpt: “But time has no conscience. Time is not your ally. If you put your trust in the illusion that it will always be there for you, you will have to go to war with reality in the future.”

Love

17 Days Of Watching You Fall Out Of Love With Me by Joms Zulueta Jimenez

When love ends oftentimes the signs aren’t dramatic. There isn’t this big show of “oh my feelings have changed, goodbye forever.” Usually, it’s quiet. It’s in missed texts and purposefully falling asleep on the couch alone. It’s in noticing that you want someone to cut their hair, when that used to be something you loved about them the most. And when you watch it happen? It’s pretty heartbreaking.

Excerpt: “Day 8. I cut my hair. I cut my hair with the hopes that it might save us. It sounded like bullshit, I know, but I ran out of reasons why you were aloof or why it seemed like you were half-hearted or why I felt uncomfortable with peace. I cut my hair. You said I looked better. That was a relief.”

Our Strip Mall Romance By Lina Abascal

This is the love story they should have told in La La Land. Sorry not sorry.

Excerpt: “I want to love you in tiny Thai restaurants in strip malls east of Hollywood and in line for taco trucks south of downtown. I want to wait until the second hour of traffic before I nervously make the move and hold your hand as we drive on the 10 at rush hour after work.”

A Love Story Told Through Venmo by Katie Mather

I don’t know if Katie meant for this to be touching, but I really thought it was. I don’t know if I’ll ever realistically be able to predict Katie’s intentions with writing or anything else, which is how she would prefer for things to be. But that’s one of the reasons I like her work so much. You see something that on one hand, you’d expect to be a little silly and light and instead you are again, reminded how falling out of love isn’t always some big tantrum and instead can be quiet, but still just as sad. I don’t know, I’m rambling. Just read it.

Excerpt:

“He paid you April 4, 2017

Love me pls?”

Humor

20 Honest Signs Your Relationship Is Probably Over by Tommy Paley

Satire is tricky. It’s hard to do it well, it’s something a lot of writers never attempt, and it’s something I’m really glad we have writers like Tommy continuing to make popular. My favorite thing about Tommy’s writing is that when you read his pieces you usually start thinking you’re going to get one thing, and they he flips them to be something else entirely. It’s really, really entertaining and what quality humor writing should be.

Excerpt: “She covers the floor of the apartment with eggshells and then sighs loudly and rolls her eyes when you invariably walk on them.”

Forgive Me, For I Am But A Dainty Sad Girl by Katie Mather

Katie is the funniest person writing on Thought Catalog right now. Quote me.

Excerpt: “We should get coffee sometime. My favorite way to whisper secrets is over a cup of coffee. Especially while eating macaroons. Have you ever heard of Ladurée?”

Misc

I’m Pregnant (On Purpose!) But I’d Rather Talk About The Abortion I Had Three Years Ago by Mélanie Berliet

This is one of the most important things I think we’ve ever had published on our site, and I think it’s important because it shows how decisions like this 1) don’t have to be scary and 2) don’t have to be dramatic and 3) don’t have to completely alter the entire scope of your life. It’s as simple as making a choice that fits your life, and doesn’t have to drastically impact everything that comes afterwards. Of course, this is a personal choice and a personal situation and no two experiences will ever be alike, but this is one story and it’s a story that I’m so glad Mélanie decided to share.

Excerpt: “So it’s official. I am a woman who’s had an abortion—not because circumstances dictated that it was medically necessary, or because she didn’t love the man who impregnated her, or because she couldn’t afford to raise a kid, or because she’s decided to remain childless forever. I am a woman who’s had an abortion, and it doesn’t really matter why. It was my choice, and one that my boyfriend and I (we’re still very much together and happier than ever, if that even matters) proudly stand by.”

All The Men I Probably Won’t Have Sex With by Callie Byrnes

Being a woman is tiring and terrible and we need people to stand up more often the way Callie did here so that slowly but surely, more people get it. And even if they reject it and write it off as “just another woman complaining about compliments” that seed will have been planted. Maybe we’ll become harder to ignore.

Excerpt: “The Tinder guy who messaged me saying, “Thick thighs save lives.” I’m glad you have so much faith in me, but my CPR certificate has expired, so these thighs won’t be doing anything. Maybe next time.”

A Series Of First Impressions by Katie Mather

When I first read this piece I was immediately disappointed because I was not one of the first impressions. But then, I was just entirely enthralled by it. I love the way it’s presented as little vignettes, little snippets of a relationship you will probably never know the rest of. You literally only get a fraction of the story, and it’s really cool to me how captivating Katie made even that littlest piece.

Excerpt: “I am closing the bar tab and he comes up to me and says that he thinks he’s seen me at this bar before. It’s impossible because I’m visiting this city for the first time ever in my life, but I pretend otherwise.”

I’m Afraid Of Failing, I’m Afraid Of Success, And I’m Afraid Of My Good Luck by Ari Eastman

You’re not supposed to be afraid of success, you’re supposed to lean in. You’re not supposed to be afraid of failure, because you’ll be strong enough to be able to get past it. You’re not supposed to admit that sometimes you’re lucky, because that’s not taking control of your destiny. There are all of these things that we’re “supposed” to do and honestly? Sometimes I am paralyzed by the “supposed tos” in life. And Ari? Ari admitted it. I was/am really proud of Ari for writing this. I’m really proud she’s my friend.

Excerpt: “Because if you fail after getting so many chances, it’ll be sad. Right? It’ll be embarrassing. It’ll be a total waste.

Because if you succeed after getting so many chances that others didn’t, do you even deserve it? Do you understand the severity? That here you don’t believe in a higher power but clearly something keeps rewarding you?”

#Happiness

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foursprout-blog · 7 years

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My Favorite Thought Catalog Pieces From 2017 (So Far)

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/my-favorite-thought-catalog-pieces-from-2017-so-far/

My Favorite Thought Catalog Pieces From 2017 (So Far)

Advice

How To Get Out Of Bed by Kim Quindlen

Excerpt: “Make it to the bathroom. Feel proud of yourself for getting this far. Brush your teeth. Wash your face with cold water. Feel a little more awake afterwards.”

11 Reasons Why Independent Women Often Feel They Aren’t Wired For Love by Brianna Wiest

On Living Your Own Strange Life by Chrissy Stockton

I Am Slowly Learning What It Means To Be Human by Bianca Sparacino

Poetry/Prose

A Brief History Of Falling In Love With Strangers by Ari Eastman

Loving Two People At Once Shouldn’t Be Poetry (But Somehow, It Is) by Caitlin Conlon

It’s Hard To Say My Depression Is Back, So I Just Don’t by Ari Eastman

I Like That We Can’t Control The Weather by Heidi Priebe

Excerpt: “We can solve so many problems these days but the most frantic city in the world can still be shut down by something as unpredictable as a snow storm.

I like the nasty weather because it reminds us of how human we all are.”

The Eleventh Of September In A Year I Can’t Remember by Chrissy Stockton

Mental-Health/Mental Wellness

We’re Okay Now (I Think) by Katie Mather

On Learning What It Truly Means To Surrender by Jillian Stacia

Talking To People In My Life Is Absolutely Exhausting Now, When Did That Happen? by Kim Quindlen

A Story About Food by Chrissy Stockton

Excerpt: “Being good to people feels very sturdy. Being good to myself feels like I am a baby. I feel guilty about needing it.”

Self-Reflection

I Am Just Trying To Be A Person by Kim Quindlen

Excerpt: “I feel a lot of things. I don’t know anything. I am scared. Sometimes I am filled with joy. I am worried about the world. I am just trying to be a person.”

When You Give Up Your Dream For A ‘Life’ by Shado Evans

Excerpt: “But time has no conscience. Time is not your ally. If you put your trust in the illusion that it will always be there for you, you will have to go to war with reality in the future.”

Love

17 Days Of Watching You Fall Out Of Love With Me by Joms Zulueta Jimenez

Our Strip Mall Romance By Lina Abascal

This is the love story they should have told in La La Land. Sorry not sorry.

A Love Story Told Through Venmo by Katie Mather

Excerpt:

“He paid you April 4, 2017

Love me pls?”

Humor

20 Honest Signs Your Relationship Is Probably Over by Tommy Paley

Excerpt: “She covers the floor of the apartment with eggshells and then sighs loudly and rolls her eyes when you invariably walk on them.”

Forgive Me, For I Am But A Dainty Sad Girl by Katie Mather

Katie is the funniest person writing on Thought Catalog right now. Quote me.

Excerpt: “We should get coffee sometime. My favorite way to whisper secrets is over a cup of coffee. Especially while eating macaroons. Have you ever heard of Ladurée?”

Misc

I’m Pregnant (On Purpose!) But I’d Rather Talk About The Abortion I Had Three Years Ago by Mélanie Berliet

All The Men I Probably Won’t Have Sex With by Callie Byrnes

A Series Of First Impressions by Katie Mather

I’m Afraid Of Failing, I’m Afraid Of Success, And I’m Afraid Of My Good Luck by Ari Eastman

Excerpt: “Because if you fail after getting so many chances, it’ll be sad. Right? It’ll be embarrassing. It’ll be a total waste.

#Happiness

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