#idk how to cope or if this is healthy but its certainly a coping mechanism!

[callthefruitsquad]

Rereading Under the Whispering Door as a coping mechanism to deal with a death of a close family member and I am taking so much psychic damage but also god this book is such a gift. Who let him write such a beautiful book about death and grief and what those mean but also having some of the funniest shit i’ve ever read in the same paragraphs. Who gave tj klune the right. Nelson, Hugo, Mei and Apollo, I have no notes, luv u. Wallace, c’mere and let me punch you but also luv u. 

[scoups4lyfe]

Like you mentioned it seems the relation with own demon is really complex.. we can see it in kagero-daiji and ikki-vice situation.. makes me wonder is there anything like that with sakura-lovekov?-Hiromi anon

Ahhhhhh, yesssssir.

See, I have a theory about this. I said a fews ASKs ago that I was gonna copy and paste the essay so might as well just go ahead and do that here LOL.

In light of the insanity of episode 31--I truly think that each of the siblings have like a 2 part arc they each need to fulfill.

(Idk maybe more than that 🤷‍♀️).

Ikki's first arc I'd say is split into two parts:

Arc 1: Trust & Worth.

He had to learn to (1) trust his siblings to be able to handle themselves

and (2) To trust himself (Vice lol). Which came to completion in episode 13.

The worth part he's still working on

but he IS slowly coming around to the fact that y'know there are parts of himself that he DOES love.

His 2nd arc is also split into two parts

(1) Remembering the trauma and acknowledging it -- aka ep 25 to 31 --- and

(2) learning how to cope with said trauma, and learning healthy coping mechanisms instead of choosing self-harming behaviors/coping mechanisms.

Of course there's still plenty of sh*t Ikki hasn't acknowledged or processed.

And that's because he still needs to learn how to cope in a healthy way instead of immediately trying to run away from the problem (mentally) and y'know in reality too I guess.

Because he'll never grow as a person until he actually learns a new way to cope so that he can process everything, instead of repeating the same cycle of toxic behaviors to the point of idk, death? Mental death? Physical death?

Hmmm.

Well there will certainly be a death of some kind with the way the show is going full power nonstop, bullet train 800 mph right ouTTA the gate.

In fact, Ikki's current storyline kinda reminds me of the Kdrama "It's Okay Not to be Okay" -- more specifically, Ko Moonyoung's kid's book:

"The Boy Who Ate Nightmares."

NGL y'all this book fits TOO damn well. It's almost uncanny LMAO. "Why can't I become happy?" just HITS.

……..Since Ikki keeps falling back into these same patterns -- down to the foundation of who he is as a person, I believe he's destined (on this current path) to end up becoming exactly like his father.

(Unfortunately.)

Because when you get down to it, the two of them cope the EXACT same way.

(The father's albeit a LOT more unhealthy, but that's because while Ikki had something positive to fall back on, all the dad had was like....scientists horny for abusing human rights, and actual isolation in the DANKEST fking place on earth. Lmao.)

Of course Ikki's big thing is that

he needs to recognize that he copes in this wildly unhealthy manner because its how he coped with the trauma from his childhood.

Its the only way he currently knows how to cope, he doesn't really know anything else, so he keeps going straight back to this mechanism, even though it at this point it could severely ruin everything in his life that he's come to live for.

....

For Daiji, I think his arc is very similar

(but with obvious differences, as Ikki and Daiji are like direct foils with each other.)

Like (1) he had to learn how to trust himself, (aka confidence) --- and to do this he had to learn how to fight against his own self-hatred.

But this also meant that he had to revisit HIS foundational coping mechanism

(aka how Kagerou works as a "mirage" so that Daiji can keep living, by changing the story to being something caused by OTHERs instead of caused by HIMSELF -- so that he wouldn't idk do something crazy with all that hate.)

I do still think he's working on his confidence and how to fill out the shoes of trusting himself, but he has (unlike Ikki) successfully faced his demons, his unhealthy coping mechanisms, and idk,,, killed them?

Basically he learned that he didn't need to cope like this anymore because he CAN and WILL have to face his own problems and he finally accepted that. (Ep 26)

BUT.

The thing he still hasn't gotten to yet on his narrative arc, would be the changing of his view point. While he one-shotted his coping mechanism and learned how to be more cruel and decisive, he STILL hasn't really changed his way of thinking. He largely follows and operates with this binary of "Black and white" y'know?

"Good versus evil, justice versus injustice" etc etc etc.

Like he might've changed his shoes -- but he still walks the same?

Which is why Kagerou is currently MIA -- not because he's gone for good

(lmao we WISH we could just fight our demons to the death and be demon-free LOL.But, real life isn't like that sooooo)

BUT

because Daiji hasn't yet learned to accept the parts of himself that are bad -- y'know the more negative emotions, the violent thoughts, aggression, (etc. etc. etc.) Because he still views and sees these things are "evil" and puts them in a box buried deep inside him, and since he's punched out his MAIN coping mechanism of needing to protect himself from reality……

what he needs to do now is accept his OWN reality.

Accept that things are not a binary, they are nOT black and white,. and that it is oKAY to be flawed, and that it’s essential to acknowledge that it doesn't make you inherently evil for having a negative emotion.

This change of viewpoint and final acceptance of himself I believe is his main narrative arc.

And that until he learns how to accept himself and this viewpoint, he'll be forever playing side-character because he hasn't yet truly allowed himself to BE a main character. To BE someone flawed. And this is something he is going to have to learn if he wants to actually complete his goals.

Like at this point, he's accepted the wrongs of the past. and that things need to change.

But he still lacks the foresight of things being more complicated than just 'good and bad' to actually SEE how to successfully implement any kind of change.

Etc. etc. :DD

***

So, going back to Sakura I just fullll out BELIEVE that her entire journey is about growing—

(yes -- as a person like everyone else in this show/the igarashi family L O L) but more specifically

growing up

Like the 3 siblings are each trapped by different things. Ikki's trapped by his past so he can't see how to change his present and/or his future until he deals with said past. If he never deals will it, then he's doomed for failure.

***

Daiji's big problem and conflict deals with the present. He's too stuck in the present to fully process his past, and he can't move towards the future unless he recognizes who he IS in this direct moment, and comes to accept it.

(Which he hasn't lol)

And then of course, back to Sakura -- her problem is the future.

She's too stuck on the future, on growing -- maturing -- trying to learn to be more responsible, more..."adult".... trying to figure things out on her own, that she ALSO neglects the past AND the present.

Hence why she just accepts everything that she hears and has yet to think more critically about what is true and what is false and whatever else falls in-between.

All of the Igarashi siblings

(but DEF Sakura and Daiji, as Ikki has had to deal with this directly a lot more, but now his problem is with how he copes with it)

have a problem of viewpoint.

Specifically (from what I can tell) the binary of good and evil, black versus white, yada yada yada.

This is originally WHY Sakura wants to figure things out on her own/become more 'WOKE'. It's because narratively she's inbetween this phase of childhood and adulthood.

Like the first 10 episodes of the series are Sakura seeing just how different "real life" is to the only life she's known prior. AKA that Ikki isn't superman. That Daiji isn't inherently just a "sweet, kind, older brother" and also that society is jacked to hell.

Y'know this is why "LIBERAL UP" is Sakura's henshin phrase, and also why she uses the "Libero" driver.

Because she needs to transition from the past to the modern present.

HOWEVER.

Sakura's too far ahead of herself. She still has the tendency to naively believe what is presented to her. (AKA 'this mUST be the truth. Because he said so. LOL!!!) This is probably also why she joins WEEKEND because y'know she's "At the end of the week" Yet she in the transition period right before the start of the next (week).

Hmmmmm. Sakura' biggest conflict

(Y'know other than with this viewpoint)

Is also the concept of honesty and dishonesty. Which is why her animal motif is a SNAKE, because (and yo this could be symbolic to her joining weekend, idk I guess)

she has to choose between:

"Accepting the honesty of what she already had, or she has to choose and accept the dishonesty of the SNAKE"

-- leading to her "Fall". (If we're going by religious connotation. But seeing as the show has a literall fking CULT I feel like this connection isn't too far fetched LOL.)

Which YEESH. But its true. She needs to understand that you can't just confront things head on and expect to always be right, or to win. There's more to reality than just beating the opponent in physical combat.

Wayyyy quicker than Ikki and Daiji, Sakura NAILED the first part of her arc (accepting her own vulnerabilities, accepting her own demon)

(Ep 11-12 lol).

Ikki first accepts his demon in episode 13 (when he has to trust Vice), and again in episode 18 (accepting that him and Vice are one); Daiji never accepted his demon (Ep 26)

Which is also why Ikki and Sakura are more proactive in the narrative versus Daiji who has A LOT of self-introspection that he's got to do.

[skullstarz]

dads when you have depression

-> father figure! present mic, aizawa, and all might.

i didnt know what to title this lol. i back. i uhhh have not existed for the last idk how long. i might explain what happened later if you guys are curious, its nothing interesting just my journey with trying to better myself 💆🏽‍♀️ [EDIT PRE POST: GAH DAMN WAIT IVE BEEN GONE A WHOLE MONTH... UM... IM SO SORRY]

warnings: uhhhh. homie idk obvious one is depression ig?? and language.

word count: 198 (present mic), 223 (aizawa), 225 (all might).

alternative title: i do not have a father figure so i must substitute my absent dad for a 2d dad LMAO ....

check out my masterlist for more of my works!!

PRESENT MIC

♡ the overly enthusiastic father figure.

♡ offers to drive you to the pharmacy for refills, therapy sessions, visits to your psychiatrist, anything you need.

♡ always makes sure you know that you can tell him anything, but also that he understands if something is too recent or uncomfortable to talk about, and gives you your space.

♡ tries to brighten the place, and makes your surroundings clean and lively so that your environment does not further depress you.

♡ is supportive of any type of way you try to cheer yourself up.

♡ you decide you’re going to try to eat healthy since you’ve heard a good diet can impact mental health? he’s all in with you, he’s giving up junk food too.

♡ is loud and boisterous to a certain degree. If he sees that its just irritating and frustrating you more than it’s making you laugh, he quiets down (dw, he’s not hurt by it).

♡ all in all, rather than just being understanding, he gently nudges you towards the self care route.

♡ no, not the face masks and bubble baths type self care, the cry it all out and dig deep to find what really is the issue type of self care.

AIZAWA

♡ the experienced and tired father figure.

♡ one of his “kids” is a traumatized little girl and the other is a sleep deprived homosexual, so he knows his way around dealing with trauma, depression, and pain.

♡ he’s much more chill than present mic, but he still worries his ass off because of you three.

♡ because of this little mentally ill found family you guys have, some days everyone is too emotionally drained so i feel like you guys have started a tradition of cuddling up on the couch to comfort each other without further stressing one another out.

♡ these cuddle sessions are very private though, because shinsou is probably one of those tsundere mfs.

♡ aizawa certainly has a unique and sarcastic way of joking around (as does shinsou) so i think he picks up on cues that today you’re just not in the mood and gives you a break.

♡ he’s much more of a sit back and observe type of person, only jumping in if he sees that you’re digging yourself a hole you might not be able to dig yourself out of in the end.

♡ he lets you take care of yourself because he wants you to learn how to be independent and form healthy coping mechanisms rather than depending on him.

♡ he still loves you and takes care of you willingly, though.

ALL MIGHT

♡ the inexperienced and stressed father.

♡ his ass probably reads books about depression because he just doesn't have a clue as to what to do.

♡ you know izuku’s broccoli ass probably has anxiety too so all might has a plate full of things to learn.

♡ he lets you explain and teach him what you think you need him to know and help you with, and never oversteps boundaries.

♡ he's very cautious about what may or may not hurt/affect you but doesn't show it all that much.

♡ it may at some times feel like he’s a bit distant but that's not because he doesn’t care about you, rather he is unconsciously putting space between you and him so he doesn’t accidentally do something wrong.

♡ lots of trial and error, but he takes it seriously and with some time and experience he gets the hang of being a father figure to you.

♡ he isn't the type to be visibly anxious or fretful, rather his worries are often things in the back of his mind or things he thinks about lying awake at night before falling asleep.

♡ he definitely seems like more of a serious/low energy person when out of his big muscle version so he goes out of his way a bit to ensure you know he cares even if he physically looks like he doesn't.

[50shadesofmittens]

I realize I never said this, but…

NSFW warning-

I might’ve said before that I think the otp would be pretty even handed in the bedroom, but something I haven’t said is what about bdsm. Or rather dominance/submissive

Because I kinda wanna share my opinion, namely that CG is the dom more often bc Magnus prefers to sub. And honestly my reasoning for this is over half of why it’d take even longer for the two of them to get to bdsm if at all.

I need to do actual research, but what I know of bdsm says that the dom holds responsibility first and foremost, power second. Idk I might be wrong, if anyone wants to correct me go ahead.

One of the things I like about this OTP is that the two grow to be on equal footing in a multitude of ways, with both holding power over the other in different ways at first until both learn to grow and they become equals on mutually higher ground. Usually this is CG’s character development, because it’s him learning to stand up for himself and be a voice of reason- he learns to talk back to those of great power and have confidence in himself through doing so with Magnus. I think being the dom would be an expression of this- being allowed to have control, to feel power in the presence of someone so much stronger- and to do a good job. (I am of course assuming CG does a good job, and everything goes well, since neither of them is going to get any of this out of it if it isn’t. Actually this whole thing describes what would probably only be able to come to pass after several successful scenes) Even though it’s a fantasy, these things would remind CG that he is competent, that he is capable, that he has something to contribute and can do good in the world. That he can make things right with Magnus implies he can make things right elsewhere.

There’s also the variable factor, which will change depending on what I want the details of cgs backstory to be: rape recovery. Because most of my headcannons have it that giving up the Custodes hedonistic ways didn’t mean giving up sex or hedonism right away. One near constant in his backstory is that I almost always imagine CG went through a period of intense promiscuity independent of the Custodians (though mileage varies on whether or not he was also involvedwith the Custodians during this time or if were talking about total separation), due to a lack of non-hedonistic coping mechanisms developed in life. That he spent a good century or two slowly learning better coping mechanisms and healthier approaches to sex, and by now has a much more solid grasp on both. That what we see now is the result of a long path of recovery. There’s just one thing Magnus has that would be difficult for CG to get at any point on this journey, and that’s someone physically larger and stronger than him as a partner. I’m not sure if that’s something CG has had anytime recently- and if not then the last time he was with someone physically larger and stronger or simply as large and strong it would’ve been one of the Custodians.

And depending on where CG is on that journey of recovery, on the decisions he’s made and the mores he now believes in, it might be helpful to have someone stronger than him as a sub. It might be harmful to be a sub to someone stronger than him. It might be helpful to be the sub to someone stronger than him. It might be helpful to be the sub to someone stronger than him, but he feels Magnus benefits more than he does from being dominated and so defaults to dom, or it takes him much longer for him to trust Magnus enough to be the sub with him, or Magnus’ issues listed below means he doesn’t yet have the skills to be a good dom whereas CG has experience of all kinds. Or maybe they alternate, that’s a possibility.

On Magnus’ end, this works because CG is one of the few people he can be around and not be in charge. Which has its ups and it’s downs- and when it comes to bdsm being the sub is an expression of the ups. Namely, it’s a chance to let go of the stress of being responsible. Not permanently of course- but that stress builds up, and being able to let go, to be irresponsible just for a little bit- that’s something I think Magnus could really benefit from. That’s something I think would let him feel more confident. I think letting himself be wrong or weak or humiliated in a situation and place where there are no consequences for these things, that would make it easier for Magnus to function.

With Magnus you have, in a sense, someone literally born to be a non-sexual dom. All the Primarchs are in every depiction incredibly powerful, charismatic, and hold a strong presence. They basically are made to be dom 24/7- they certainly fit the role with their legions. And I am making a distinction between dom and chain iof command- chain of command would be healthy and doable. Chain of command means your influence is limited to military operations. Chain of command means you’re responsible for the lives of your underlings, not every facet of their lives. But the problem with making living soldiers is that they have no lives outside military operations. Even in the pre heresy days when some legions tried to expand past their status as warriors and branch out into the arts and administrators and such, they still followed their Primarchs lead- they still had a dom responsible for this aspect of their lives. It’s a more hands off situation, but it’s still always always always something explored that lines up with the interests and approval of the Primarch- meaning the doms influence is still present.

And that’s… not healthy. Not for the subs, but also not for I think 99% of all doms.

Human beings are not made to be in complete control, all of the time. I don’t have sources yet and I really need to find them, but you can probably see this in every well-meaning or benevolent leader who got too power hungry and became a tyrant. And you can argue that the Primarchs aren’t fully human, that the Emperor thought of and accounted for these things, that the Primarchs were designed so that they could handle the stress…

But the thing is, I don’t think they were. Their mistakes, for many traitor and loyal alike, are directly tied to their positions of total power and their inability to handle it responsibly.

But not a healthy way to live. You constantly have power, but you constantly have reaponsibility. We see Curze in particular crack under the pressure, unable to control his legion and unable to let go of his responsibility for their actions. We see Horus and admittedly all Traitor Primarchs break and abuse their power because they know no other way, and the whole chain of command issue causes conflicts. A military chain of command is ironclad but not omnipresent, and even that can be rough for leaders. Combining it with complete dominance as the Primarchs and their legions do, you get omnipresent and ironclad power. It’s exhausting to handle properly, ultimately either you let it go or you stop handling it properly and start abusing it.

Being sub to CG would be a way for Magnus to let go of that power, in a way that allows him to pick it back up again when he’s done. To find reprieve, so that the next time he faces a decision that challenges his fears and vendettas, he doesn’t feel as pressured to be right. He doesn’t get as swept up in his emotions, and he can think more critically before he acts.

All of this, and I think it’d be hilarious if team Emps somehow unexpectedly captured an enraged Primarch (not Dorn or Magnus) and found that the only restraints they had that could actually hold the guy were the Primarch-strength handcuffs CG keeps for personal use. (Nevermind how they exist or how he got them in the first place, the point is that he had them. On hand)

[stilesxeveryone]

Reply - Steter Week

~And another one bites the dust! Idk why I said that... but here’s day 3! I think! It’s soulmates! Which you can find on AO3 and you’ll also find my account!

My inbox is always open to requests for fics, moodboards and drawings!~

Stiles and Peter had talked.

Well, there was probably a lot more shouting and ordering and snarking than talking, but the point is they've exchanged words.

Stiles said, "I'm not scared of you." Peter said, "You must be Stiles." There was also, of course, all of the words exchanged on the lacrosse field, in Stiles' jeep and in the parking garage. There was probably a lot more that went unsaid and even more things that could've happened but didn't.

But that's not the point.

The point is that they've talked. They've had their first words.

So, Stiles was allowed to be surprised when it happened. He was allowed to be speechless when it happened. He was most certainly allowed to be freaked the fuck out when it happened.

'It' referring to the tingling and hint of burning coming from the soulmark on his wrist with the words 'Are you alright, darling' written in cursive.

'It' referring to the fact that Peter asked him, "Are you alright, darling?"

'It' referring to the fact that Peter fucking Hale just said the same first words of his soulmate, the same first words on his wrist, the same first words that were now burning ever so slightly and were surely turning from grey to black.

The same first words even though they'd already had their first words.

So, Stiles didn't reply. He stared with wide, surprised eyes and a healthy amount of fear wafting off of him, but he didn't reply. He didn't do much of anything until Derek yelled at Peter to, "Stop harassing Stiles and get the fuck over here!"

Stiles only blinked a little after that.

He still didn't get to reply though, because Peter had said, "Get well soon, sweetheart," and left.

Stiles was really fucking glad he didn't reply.

~

Stiles hated being speechless, and he was thankful that it rarely occurred, but he hated the few times that it had.

Words were all he had, in many ways. They were his only self-defence. They were his coping mechanism. They were how he held peoples' interest and attention. They were the only things he was ever really sure of.

He was glad it was very unlikely that he would ever see Peter again, because he could never speak to the man ever again.

He could never defend himself against him. Could never use his words as a coping mechanism against whatever Peter had to say to him. He sure as hell never wanted to hold the man's interest or attention ever again.

Because he was sure that whatever he would say would turn black on Peter's body and he didn't know how to handle that.

~

Stiles was baffled.

Scott had never apologised before, unless heavily coerced into it by his mother.

And Stiles knew that this wasn't any of Melissa's doing.

But somehow, somehow, Scott had apologised to Derek. A lot.

Derek hadn't exactly accepted the apologies (because there were multiple apologies, not just one) but Scott and Derek were talking.

To each other.

Somehow.

Which meant that Stiles was talking to Derek too.

And going to his house with Scott for pack night.

Which Erica, Boyd, Isaac and Jackson all participated in because they were pack too.

Which Peter participated in.

Because he was pack.

But Stiles didn't talk to him.

~

"Derek, have you told them about the, you know…" Isaac trailed off as he glanced around at the people gathered in the loft.

Boyd and Erica, soulmates, were cuddling on the loveseat.

Scott was on the couch with Allison, a space next to him for Isaac, all soulmates as well.

Peter was sat on the stairs and Stiles on the other side of the room, soulmates. Not that Peter knew. Not that Stiles would ever admit to it.

"Tell us what?" Stiles asked loudly, gaining everyone's attention. He kept his eyes trained on Derek and Isaac.

"We received a message recently-"

"And by message he means graffiti on the Hale house door," Isaac interrupted.

"-which suggests that the Alpha Pack is in our territory." Derek was getting a lot better at ignoring interruptions, courtesy of Stiles.

"Alpha pack? Like, several alphas in one pack? How does that even work?" Stiles asked, sitting up properly to stare at Derek incredulously.

"Not well," Peter said.

The 'what a surprise' on the tip of his tongue almost left his lips, but he held it back. Instead he barrelled on, addressing only Derek, "And you said the Alpha Pack, not an alpha pack. Are you indirectly saying that they're some kind of infamous pack of alphas that are gonna end up recruiting or killing all of us?"

"Stiles," Scott spoke up, placing a calming hand on Stiles' shoulder, "I think you're jumping to conclusions. Why would the Alpha Pack want to kill us?"

"No, Stiles is pretty spot on. And they want to because they're murderers, and murder is what they do."

Everyone glared at Peter.

Peter shrugged in response.

"Right, well, this is absolutely terrifying news." No one mentioned the fact that Stiles didn't actually smell of fear, just the usual amount of anxiety and concern. "Anyone want a drink?" he asked as he got up to go to the kitchen.

He rummaged through the fridge and almost brained himself when Peter spoke up, "Why don't you speak to me?"

Stiles took in a few deep breaths, trying to calm his heart. Once it was back to a more normal pace, he glared daggers at Peter.

"You talk to everyone else. Even Derek, who rarely replies with anything other than 'shut up'."

Stiles grabbed his drink and left the kitchen.

He didn't reply.

~

When he was younger, Stiles used to trace his mum and dad's soulmarks all the time. After a nightmare and he'd slip into their bed to sleep, whenever he scraped a knee, if Jackson was being an asshole again, if he was worried about a test.

He found comfort in running his fingers over the black 'Excuse me, miss, you left your book at your table', and its reply 'Thank you so much'.

His parents had met at school, high school sweethearts. It wasn't anything amazing or funny or weird, but it was special. Because they were soulmates, because they were his parents, because they had been nice to each other and loved each other from the very beginning.

He traced his own soulmark when he was younger, too. It was a sign that his soulmate cared about him, even if they had only just met him. They cared about him, even though it was the first time they had ever spoken to him.

His mum always made him promise to say something nice back, to show that he cared about them too.

Something like, "You're amazing."

So that they would always carry kind words with them. So that any time they felt sad, or bad about themselves, or angry, or nothing at all, they'd know that their soulmate thought they were great.

Just like how he always felt cared about.

~

After his mum died, after he saw how it affected his dad, after he saw the best man he had ever known drown his sorrows in alcohol and his work, he made a promise to himself.

If he ever met his soulmate, he wouldn't complete the bond.

Now, after meeting his soulmate, after his soulmark turned black and he didn't reply, he couldn't say for sure whether it was his promise or something else that stopped him from completing it.

~

When Stiles arrived home and walked into his bedroom Peter was already there.

"You know, if we hadn't already spoken before and my soulmark was actually something you'd ever say to me, I'd probably assume we were soulmates and you don't want to complete the bond."

Stiles' heart stopped, sped up and almost left his body completely.

Peter heard everything.

He stepped closer, Stiles stepped away, back against the door. For the first time in a long time, Peter could smell the fear coming off of the boy.

"Stiles, speak to me."

Stiles couldn't reply. All he could do was shake his head, not make eye contact.

"Prove me wrong. Prove to me that we aren't soulmates."

He kept shaking his head, tears in his eyes.

"Show me that you don't speak to me because you hate me, not because you're afraid of what we are."

Stiles wanted to reply. So badly. Everything he could say to Peter flitted about in his head. Things that would affect the here and now, like 'I'm sorry' and 'I'm not afraid'. Things that could affect the past, like 'Kate Argent is going to burn down your house' and 'Please don't bite Scott' but those were pointless, what's done is done.

No.

If he was going to break the promise he made to himself, then he would keep the promise he made to his mum.

"You're amazing, Peter."

It was quiet, a whisper, practically a breath.

But it was special.

Because they were soulmates.

Because he finally replied.

Because he could finally use his words and tell Peter everything that had been building up.

"You're amazing, Peter," he said again, just a fraction louder, and finally looked up at Peter.

Peter's eyes were wide, his jaw slack, then suddenly his expression changed. He looked both happy and hurt.

"Why didn't you want to complete the bond?" he asked, the most vulnerable and soft Stiles had ever seen him.

"I kinda, um, made a promise to myself that I would never complete it after… after mum died and dad became an alcoholic," Stiles said, surprising the both of them with his honesty. "I was also genuinely too shocked to reply to you the first time. Like, you come back from the dead, help save Jackson, ask if I'm okay and it turns out you're my soulmate? Especially since we had fucking spoken before, too."

Peter grinned, wide and—some would argue—with too much tooth. Tentatively, he asked, "Can I touch you?"

Stiles nodded.

Peter's hands settled gently on his cheeks and he shuffled closer. Peter breathed out, "Can I kiss you?"

Stiles nodded again.

Their lips connected, barely, softly, and Stiles leaned in more to deepen it ever so slightly. His hands wrapped around Peter's waist, pulling them flush against each other. Their lips started to move, tug and pull with teeth and tongue until they were making out and neither could breathe.

They pulled away, barely, softly, and Stiles grinned. "I'm so glad I can finally sass you back. The amount of times I almost spoke to you just for some smart-ass comment was really stressful."

Peter laughed, and his smile was soft. "I'm glad you don't hate me."

"Sorry I let you think I hated you," Stiles said, frown tugging on his lips.

"It's okay. At least I can kiss you now."

And so, they did.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[tnerb90]

Slimming Down with Slim Shady Aug. 24, 2019

Wanted to do something a little different and talk about this article I read about Eminem. Last night, I went to a bar trivia night with my wife and one of the questions was about Eminem's DOC. I googled it later on and found an article where he talks about addiction and staying sober. I posted a quote below that had an effect on me. Luckily I've never struggled with alcohol or drug addiction, and can drink in moderation. But I've always sort of identified with addicts. Ever since having taken an addictions class in grad school and doing my graduate internship as a counselor at a rehab, I've wondered more and more about food addiction. It probably sounds ridiculous because unlike drugs and alcohol, food is a necessity to survive. I'm not talking about a literal addiction to food in general, but to overeating/ binge eating as a coping mechanism.

When I think of addiction, I think of words like impulsiveness, tolerance, relapse... I've certainly talked about how many times I've yo-yo dieted, got on track with losing weight, participating in 5k's and then "relapsing" and gaining all the weight back. When I'm in the zone and eating moderately, I look back and realize that I was never starved or hungry. I was getting plenty of food and it's like my stomach shrunk to match my habit of eating. I mean what's the difference between that and getting a higher tolerance? You end up feeling like you need to eat more and more to feel that same sense of relief. Impulsiveness should be the obvious one. It's a habit. It's like your mind's go-to way of feeling good instantly. Feeling shitty? Eat some fast food or something sugary and get that rush of dopamine. It just becomes such a habit that you have to think twice somehow and form new habits. Idk like it can even happen out of boredom or for no reason at all.

Like last night for example, at the bar trivia. I ordered this excellent salad that was huge and I could barely finish it because I truly felt full. My wife's meal was large as well so she couldn't finish most of it. I had this urge or impulse to pick my hand up, reach over and start picking at her fries. Because usually that's what I'll do. She's not eating them. I like fries. So why not finish them off? It was a brief moment in time, but I caught myself and remembered I was doing low-carb and just avoided it pretty simply. But I think it had an impact on me because I realized how much of an impulse it was. It wasn't out of hunger. Like I said, I was legit full from this salad. Sounds like an oxymoron, but it was a black and blue salad, with like a 1/2 lb burger, blue cheese, tons of veggies. Like I'm not kidding about that. No need for fries. I purely wanted them out of boredom or habit. So those are the little things I'm going to need to catch myself on.

Ok I think I digressed a bit there. So addiction. Eminem talked about how he knows sobriety sucks, and really does wish sometimes he could just go for a drink and be a "regular" person. But knowing he has a disease, he realized he just can't do it. He's not wired like that, and knows how easy one moment of weakness would be and how quickly that develops into relapse.

So what do I take from this? Do I just need to realize I can never eat like a "regular" person? E.g. Eat junk food moderately and expect my natural response to be eating healthy most of the time and staying ok after I've lost weight? Maybe the "lifestyle change" I need is to not necessarily have a "goal weight" because that implies I'm done managing my weight and as a skinnier person I can go back to eating like a normal person would. I need to manage this for my entire life. When I slip or choose to indulge on something I need to understand that THAT is the exception, not the rule. I need to keep the mindset that this change I'm making is for the rest of my life. And if I eat right and manage myself 350 days out of the year, over time, those few days I do choose to indulge whether its a party or holiday or trying a local food while traveling, will be insignifcant. But it has to be year over year consistency. Not this ok 350 days on now 90 days off. Then 10 days on, 90 days off. No. I can't do this shit anymore. I'm sick of it. Eating whatever I want feels amazing, until I look in the mirror or step on the scale or can't fit into my clothes, or have to go on an airplane or go to the beach. It's a really stupid short term relief for long term suffering and I need to remember that shit.

BMW

Edit: Even thinking over what I just wrote... I realize I'm rationalizing about "choosing to indulge" from time to time or slipping. I say that as though I know moderation in that sense (eating junk sparingly) is the answer. It may be true. But I started off comparing it to an addiction. In my experience, a person who is addicted to alcohol or drugs cannot ever go back to drinking moderately or using drugs moderately ever again. It's what so many have tried and failed at and almost always leads to relapse. "I can have 1 little drink tonight, I'll be ok." It's a saying (I could be wrong, but I think it might come from AA) that one drink is too much and 1,000 is never enough. Maybe what I'm scared to admit is that I need to stay "abstinent" for the rest of my life or continue to play this yo-yo losing weight and relapsing game. It's a scary thought. Like not being able to split a pizza, eat some fries, have popcorn at a movie theater... get ice cream or cookies for a dessert. It really really sucks to think about. Is that lowering my quality of life? Well I'm sure a recovering alcoholic would love to just grab a beer with the guys or party on new years eve, or have a birthday celebration. But they can't. They just can't if they want to stay sober. Is that a lower quality of life? Maybe. Like it goes back to that Eminem quote. Sobriety sucks. Wishes he could be a "regular" person and go get a drink. I wish I could be a regular person too man. And eat some pizza once in a while without going overboard on everything else and relapsing and staying obese. Is that the lesson I need to take away from all this? That I just need to treat my weight loss like a recovering addict would?

It goes back to what I said before about food being necessary for survival. Can you truly be addicted to food or "abstain from food." It sounds ridiculous because you'd starve to death. But you don't need ice cream to survive. You don't need cookies to survive. You don't need pizza, fries, or fucking movie popcorn to survive. Maybe junk food, unlike drugs and alcohol are possible to have in moderation over the long term. I don't know the answer to that.

I know I'm not ready to embrace complete abstinence from junk food yet. I still want to try moderation in the sense I talked about before. Intentionally choosing to indulge on occasion but knowing over the rest of my life that it needs to be an exception to the rule of managing my eating and controling my weight.

But if I fail again. If I relapse again and I someday start to creep over 310 lbs after losing significant weight, abstinence might be the only answer. I might be an addict and have to make the ultimate choice of having long term happiness rather than short term pleasure...

[jatamansi-arc]

So, the movie Split. Let’s talk about that. And before I dump my spoiler-laden commentary about it beneath the cut, let me say this: about 60% of the problems I have with this movie were about how the clips they used manipulated the previews into a ‘Villain with DID Kidnaps Some Kids!!! CRAZY STUFF HAPPENS YEEHAW!’

Completely ignoring all my critiques for a second, what Split is actually about, is an allegorical tale on how complicated the nature of trauma is on the human psyche. But, with that, I’m gonna cut the rest.

Fair warning, talk of sexual abuse and violence and mental illness below. 

The trick with the trailer, is that what it shows you are exclusively things that happen within the first 20 minutes of the film. This doesn’t absolve it of any of its actual problematic elements, which trust me, there are still a lot of them. Like... I don’t even know where to start levels of ‘a lot of them.’ But I think if it had been more honest about the content of the film, people would have had a much better idea of what to expect going in. It plays on the stigma to get you in. That’s gross as fuck. But at least it’s not like... two hours of torture porn, either?

Like I said, I wanted to watch it without giving any money, because I’m trained as a historian and it’s like... they really push that whole ‘come to your own conclusions with what the source gives you’ thing. Which, while we’re on that subject?

What this film is actually about, is trauma, triggers, and respect (or that lack thereof.) The writing of the DID is ridiculous and grossly problematic, and I won’t sit and sing praises of M. Night for it. You’re not gonna find that here. There were a lot of things that could have been done differently -- much better -- so that we didn’t have to rely on an already stigmatized population to tell the message the story is getting at. Because while this film exists as an allegory, and a metaphor in and of itself, most people are too oblivious to read between the cracks to see any of that. Just ‘PERSON WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES IS TOTS CRAY AND KIDNAPPING WHEEE!’

So, I’m gonna just lay out what the trailer doesn’t as bluntly as possible. 

The actual breakdown of the character of Kevin is this: beginning in late toddlerhood, Kevin begins to be viciously abused and beaten by his mother. This trauma eventually results in a split, to which Dennis is the first, who studies and learns what behaviours will keep Kevin’s mother at bay and develops characteristics in line with several anxiety disorders. As they grow older, Dennis, despite protecting Kevin from his mother’s abuse, begins to show problematic paraphilias. How the rest of his “alters” come about is not said in film, but what is later implied is that, once Kevin learns what are healthy coping mechanisms are from his therapist (before the professional portion of the relationship goes belly up, but I’ll get to that later), that his “healthier minded” alters do not allow Dennis to front for this reason. Nor do they allow Patricia to either, who is another alter, because of her manipulative and aggressive behaviour.

The alters (which I’m not going to put in quotes beyond the above, because it’s 3am, but assume they are there) you see in the trailers? Those are Dennis, Patricia, and Hedwig (who is apparently nine and easily impressionable.) Who they don’t show, but you see in the film, are a few other alters in diary entries that last about 30 seconds to a minute a piece:

Jade: Shown that this alter has diabetes and has to take insulin. Their journal entry is complaining about how hard it is to obtain insulin, because doctors refuse to take their condition seriously at all. Barry: Enjoys fashion and “has control” of the system. Or used to. Seems to be extroverted and is the one that their therapist seems to have most contact with. Is coded as being a gay, overly feminine guy very overtly, which ughhhhhh. Orwell: You see this alter twice and literally, speaking as an autistic person, if Orwell is not meant to be read as autistic, I will eat my own shoe. Obsessed with history and Islam, from what I gathered.

That said? Here’s some other relevant... idk. Relevant something:

#1) The girls Dennis kidnap, outside of Casey, are the very same girls that ended up triggering Kevin into this downward spiral. Doesn’t make what happens to them okay, and it certainly doesn’t explain the behaviour of a grown ass man, but there you go. They ‘prank’ Kevin, triggering him and forcing him to confront his traumas without prior warning. This fractures the system he has in place and allows for Dennis to take control, and sick of being mistreated, him and Patricia set about unleashing ‘The Beast.’

The Beast, by the way, is literally the personification of the anger and resentment Kevin feels at being abandoned by his father, because I imagine it meant many more years of abuse that could have been perhaps been avoided. He exists not in the ‘room with the chairs’ where all the alters seem to metaphorically sit, but in Kevin’s memories of the train station his father left him at. Basically, I don’t think he’s meant to be an “alter” insomuch as just a feral combination of trauma and rage that wasn’t properly treated or healed because the therapist was too busy preening over her own career.  

( Which, well, I was abandoned with my stepfather by my mother and abused sexually/physically/mentally/etc. repeatedly for years by him -- which lead to partial fragmenting of my personality -- and honestly, I think that’s the hardest part of my trauma/PTSD component to reconcile with? So maybe that’s why I’m reading it that way. )

#2) Casey is a survivor of sexual abuse and the talk of being ‘pure’ and ‘impure’ has less to do with what those words mean and more to do with the fact that The Beast is relating that she understands what trauma is capable of doing to someone. Literally, he spares her because ‘oh, you get it.’ Then he walks away, laughing. Alrighty. If you say so. 

The good thing that comes about from this, is that by tearing her clothes in the climax (which you think is kind of pedo-y fanservice at first)  exposes the scars she has from years of dealing with her own abusive guardian. They are noticed by the medical staff in the ambulance, and through her reluctance to go with her uncle, it is implied that they take her somewhere safe for her to recover. Which may be the only positive of this entire fucking movie, and even then it’s like jesus christ. 

#3) The therapist in this is hella flawed. Like she sits and glorifies her patients as showing us what the mind/body connection is capable of and at first you think maybe there is going to be a decent rebuttal to the fuckery of how it’s portrayed in Kevin at some point. Nope. She projects her own problems and desire to be recognized for greatness onto her patients and Dennis in particular misreads this as cues about the Beast. 

( I actually liked the therapist character for all the wrong reasons because I recently had a fucking psychologist who started projecting her feelings about her daughter onto me as a patient and how confusing and frustrating it was for me to navigate as someone who had been recently diagnosed with PTSD and had literally just survived almost being strangled to death a few months prior. )

So, that said? Is it a good movie? The story is weak and problematic as fuck but also not as literal as the trailer implies but also like worse in other ways? The upsides are that the acting is actually good and so is the cinematography. Literally probably the entire reason I sat through the whole thing and didn’t get bored at the 45 minute marker. That and I literally was confused for two hours by how well James pulls off a South Philadelphian accent (I lived in Camden for awhile, so.)

Basically? I’ve seen worse film-wise, and the acting is definitely like 10 Beefy James McAvoy Arms, but the marketing relied on the whole ‘mentally ill people are always violent’ thing to bait you, but then gives you a bunch of other problematic shit to irritate you with until you, too, develop Beefy James McAvoy arms and an urge to smash shitty portrayal of mental illness in 2017. I would see it to draw your own conclusions, because I’m a big one about doing that sort of thing, but I would further suggest not paying for it if that’s possible. 

Side note: Wasn’t Taylor-Joy in The VVitch? I swore I recognized her terrified face from some other movie I’d seen recently. Idk. Speaking of movies that are basically torture porn. D:

[gay-goth-geek]

I'm sorry that I'm back already. It's just that I'm crying right now. I didn't even have such a bad day... As Mondays go, it could've been worse. But... Idk. It's sad to say that tumblr withdrawal is putting me into this state (and probably not entirely true, I keep mentally coming back to how it's my birthday this week and how I'm not okay with this, also the stress of having to interact with people who congratulate me, and the discussion with myself on whether or not to put my phone in airplane mode so at least no-one can call... And the fear that maybe ppl will just forget... Aah, the anxiety... Also i'm still depressed as shit so there's always other factors. Still, tumblr usually works as a coping mechanism, and with that gone...) and it probably means I should definitely try to stay off it for longer than less than a day as the website won't live forever and I better already get used to it... But it's hard, okay? On tumblr I can just scroll. Get lost in it. In my own personal bubble of people having the same opinion as me. Sure, it ain't good to never get an outside perspective blah blah blah, but for me the constant stress of toxic people having different political etc opinions than me is just not healthy!!! I just got into a fight (well, still in discussion stagr, but will turn fight if the TERF doesn't back off) on instagram, which would have never happened on tumblr, cause here one of the first things I do on a new blog I think I might like is click search and search for gay, trump, and trans, respectively, which gives me a pretty neat overview on whether I wanna follow or block that person! On insta, all o get are certainly very pretty pictures that don't tell me nothing bout someone's character!

Ugh. I just want tumblr back. The good, old tumblr, with all its nonfunctionalities as long as I can just be myself here, my full self, including queer-ness and seeing the posts in the direction they're posted by the people I follow and only those, AND INCLUDING ADULT CONTENT! Bc believe it or not, as an adult there's adult content that belongs to what makes me me!

Rant over. Stopped crying while writing this. Hope I can sleep now.

[ffuturefoundation]

and sunrise!

There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.i love this question!!! except i am completely sure i can’t pick one quote. like i am constantly wanting to talk about so many quotes i love, so yk i am just going to go do that (i’ll try not to be too excessive)

under a read more bc let’s be real, i talk too much and this got kind of long (can you believe i already cut it down bc first it was even longer…)

I thought that if I ever told anybody, I’d never be able to look at them ever again.

okay so this is a quote about csa, and just … i felt this way for so long. i just thought that the shame would be too much. and in some ways it is. the shame is absolutely overwhelming, but whenever you tell someone and life goes on, it feels like the world is a better place. i feel more comfortable with every person i tell. but this is a quote from higher ground, and back when i watched it for the first few times, nobody knew. i had never even written it down, or told someone online anonymously or whatever. i had never said it in any way, and i just really felt this.

“i thought you were ‘a futurist’!”“i am. to my core. that means i respect the future. i believe in the future. i worship at its feet” I’m a futurist, it’s how my mind works.

the reply is said by tony stark and tbh i feel the same. idk i just v strongly feel this and believe in the future so much. it is why i am still here. i believe in the world and the future so much. i mean i also hate the world, but i believe in it so strongly.

Once we start calling people monsters, we start sacrificing our sense of curiosity, our obligation to ask how they became that way, and why they did what they did: life, and certainly fiction writing, is about being endlessly fascinated by the human condition–naming someone a monster is lazy; it allows you to stop thinking and questioning. ❞

— Hanya Yanagihara

i know this is partially about writing, but i definitely feel this v strongly about the world in general. nothing is black and white, which is not to say people don’t make the decision to hurt others and do horrible things, or meant to excuse that. but calling them monsters and dehumanising them, doesn’t solve anything, and just puts all the blame on them and makes it seem like an isolated thing, and almost nothing in the world is an isolated thing, everything is connected. and acting like someone isn’t human because of something they did doesn’t solve anything. calling someone a monster is the easy way out.

“For darkness restores what light cannot repair”

I had this as my blog title for a really long time. i don’t really care about the actual context i think? (i can’t really remember it tbh), but to me it means that light stuff can’t fix everything. healthy coping mechanisms, doing things that appear normal and okay, sometimes you need really messed up stuff in order to get through stuff. and even just any type of coping, even the healthy methods seem dark when it comes to coping with things like my childhood. and idk it is about feeling like it is okay if i don’t feel better when i think about good things, but i feel better when i surround by sad and awful things (this is mostly regarding media i engaged with i guess)

I’m in a different place now. I… I, I don’t know how else to explain it to you, but I got out of that cell and it’s like someone painted the world in different colors. And I look at you and I want to tear your eyes out just for looking at me. I just want to hurt someone and it might as well be you. So you should probably go before that happens.

this is a quote from battlestar galactica, and it is just so important to me. it is one of those lines that i really use to identify a specific feeling. i just really feel this and think about it a lot

There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind.

i actually really like the full quote this is from which can be found here. but this part especially. it is just what i had to do at some point in my life because there was nothing. everything was horrible and there was nothing else i could do.

Mornings. Quiet, but I can feel it coming, that fear. Sometimes it’s like all I have is that fear. Who am I anyway? Am I that totally scared girl, waiting in her bed? Am I that runaway, the junkie, that whore? Am I that girl that climbs mountains? Maybe I’m nothing. Maybe I’m nothing but fear.

I never had anything in my life that was good enough to miss. When I ran away, I didn’t miss home, and I never missed the streets, but I miss the mountains. I miss that smell of the trees And the wet ground. I miss everyone. I miss you. It’s better to forget, maybe, because all it does is hurt.

this is a quote from shelby merrick (from higher ground), it just means the world to me. especially the beginning. i also feel like maybe i am nothing but fear. and i really relate to suddenly missing things when you finally find things that are worth missing, or realising that there were things that you needed and didn’t have. you don’t really miss things, when you have never experienced them.

this is just one of the most important things ever. shelby is so important to me

anyway i will stop talking now, and i think i have covered the most important ones, and this already got way too long. but yeah these are the important ones tbh.