#idk how much I should share here
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your words and actions don’t align…are you lying or is my mind playing tricks on me? you won’t tell me…I know you won’t because nobody ever does…so I will just run in circles and loose my mind trying to figure it out myself…
#we could be how we used to be if you just come back#the only thing making me upset is that you’re gone#but maybe it isn’t about that…#i don’t know#i will try to wait…#not act on my impulses#but my anxiety is going crazy#idk how much I should share here#will u see? will u feel safer or more triggered?? will you come back or run away#i don’t know anything#I just want us to be okay#but I’m getting nervous#just guessing what your actions and words mean#it’s not good for me#i’m spiraling#and I just want to get out of it…
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twitter is entering their "rts > likes" phase now that likes are private after they spent years calling us ungrateful for being demotivated by ratios lmao
#man fuck yall just support artists you enjoy#dont attack people who dont rb/rt your art (hell they might even have it scheduled) but also dont constantly demand ''content'' from people#ESPECIALLY without telling them that you appreciate the effort they put in to show you cool things they made for free#you should've been rt'ing/rb'ing from the START 😒 just show people you care!#im just waiting to scroll through post after post of ppl calling out ''entitled artists'' lmao#btw my opinion on the whole thing is painfully neutral if you couldnt tell#i dont think you should care that much about numbers and ppl take it wayyyyyy too far#throwback to that one guy who personally @ everyone who didnt reblog their art that was CRAZY. i would straight up report you KJFGHKG#i also understand and have personally experienced how much engagement can change your mood#a simple ''i love this!'' can make someone's day. it's not hard to understand why ppl like engagement#when they make post after post without so much as a little tag they dont care about sharing anymore#the fact that people call that ''entitlement'' is also crazy#i have a lot of drawings i havent posted or just left nonrebloggable bc it really doesnt make a difference lmao#the only ones i leave rebloggable are the ones that i Know will do well and get attention. like the little pig redraw#if it's cute or funny it gets positive attention. anything else is shit on here lmao#it's just not as fun to share. it either leads to no engagement or negative engagement#would rather have nothing than something rude so whatever#some ppl say it's always been like this but no it absolutely was not always like this#idk what exactly caused the change. probably a lot of factors#could even just be the fandoms i hang around in! but considering i've seen the same sentiment from a bunch of ppl i doubt it's that#the best solution to no engagement is to just make friends and have fun#but 90% of the internet is hostile and negative and rude for no fucking reason#when i unfollowed someone on my old public twitter and they @ me over it. damn i dont know why but NOW i know why 😭#this post has gone way off course im just ranting at this point. i havent talked in a while hi how have you guys been#work was a lot yesterday and today is too slow (im not at work im just going crazy in my house)#(and i cant leave my house bc there's construction blocking the road someone save me)#chat
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Soooo..
Guess what I had the mixed fortune of hearing about recently.
#idk if looking into this chipped away at my sanity or not#i have SO many questions#just reading about it felt like too much#the fact that they wrote nyarla in a similar way to how some of us over here do it#so perhaps some braincells are there and shared on the same general wavelength#still though there are a lot of things that specifically annoy and/or upset me that#idk if I’m ever going to play this no offense to the fans#black souls#the things i make#meme#star rambles about shit#vent#kinda? eh#just in case#lovecraft#fairytales#I can’t really make fun of it being yet another alice based/inspired rpg maker game#..cuz I’m literally making one of my own#boy does the crawling chaos love to dress up as a cutesy anime girl#at this point I should make a chart
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got the posting anxiety bad tonight
#click clack#ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go#ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog#BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me#because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art#like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public#and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot#a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement…#so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury#the original posts I put here#but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication#my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵💫#all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen#dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄#anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍#I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself#and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences#maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog…#I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔#idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art#just a slow drip until they are in the forefront#bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º＿º )#I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨#or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out#I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad#post order compulsion????#the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts…#if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃
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lowkey don't feel like writing anymore
#i've never really cared ab stupid shit like notes and interactions before but i think it's finally starting to get to me unfortunately#i also just feel very out of place on here#i tend to stay quiet about things that bother me and how i'm really feeling but i just can't anymore man#i'm already struggling with other things in my life rn and these last few months have been miserable#and as silly as this sounds i think this is just adding fuel to the fire#tumblr was supposed to be a fun distraction and it was for a bit but now i kinda hate it#it feels like an elementary school playground#ch 4 is pretty much done but#should i even post ts......................#what even is the point anymore#thanks to like the 2 people that r reading it though lol love yall fr#5 + 6 drafts are practically finished too cause i've been planning and working on this series for months after something happened#just so i could get my pain out in a healthy way and in hopes of it resonating w some of you#but i don't think i even wanna share it anymore#don't get me wrong i love writing but when authors don't get that kind of support back it spoils their enthusiam real quick#maybe non-writers won't get it but#trying your hardest and giving your best only to receive little to nothing in return stings#this literally goes for everything in general though#i'm so used to it and this is where my frustration stems from#big mistake for even thinking for a second that people would like or be interested in me though ig idk#it's literally 11 at night maybe im just being insane#no thought after a certain time should be trusted#i'm gonna wake up and have no recollection of this#i don't think i'm in the right headspace ok gn
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chronic pain thots in the tags
#so I went for a walk earlier this week!!! at the park!!!#and nothing hurt#and my last podiatrist visit went really well and the bone is healing well#and yet im like. a little hesitant to talk about it on here#bc i spent a lot of time in my 20s absolutely convinced that this was a chronic pain that was never going away#and was only ever going to get worse and worse#and now it’s just. gone#and while im ecstatic about that i feel kind of?? guilty??#cause like. there are SO many people who live with chronic pain worse than mine was#and they aren’t going to get the cutting edge surgery that I got#who have pain there is NO magic bullet for#but it’s in my nature to want to share good news after being in so much pain for so long#and I WANT to talk about how there are calluses on my feet I thought everyone had that are suddenly softening and going away#i WANT to ask what I should do with my collection of canes now that I don’t need them to go grocery shopping#but it’s just. like. maybe this is disrespectful to everyone who won’t ever get that relief#man idk. it’s a weird space to be in#to think you were gonna just be in pain and limited mobility forever and then have it fixed over the course of less than 1 calendar year#and now suddenly i don’t ‘qualify’ to be in chronic pain discord servers anymore#man I just. i dunno. post over
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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)
#⚠️#personal#having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason#cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin#clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person#regardless of what the actual post is about#i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions#cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have#the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy#idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person#the fact i even struggle with this#sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me#maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared#cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping#how much is too much when do i stop#<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense#like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of#those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do#this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something#cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man#im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion#i feel like most times its both#i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like#showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online#idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd#vent#so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again#lord i need to get out of here
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the majority of the people who were upset with aziraphale for lying to crowley at the bandstand in season 1 did not understand his character or his situation. and many of them are upset with him again after season 2. because they still don't understand his character or his situation. btw.
#good omens#i have so many thoughts like you wouldn't believe#i don't share them on here much but that post about working in aziraphale apologism mines got to me#like yeah i'm an aziraphale apologism miner and i should dig a little#i might start with season 1 bandstand scene because so many people fundamentally misunderstand what happened there#there's lots of people who relate to crowley out there but you guys should maybe try to relate to aziraphale a little idk#and see things from his perspective#i have never ever seen a character more relatable than aziraphale tbh and it's a bit funny to see how many people just don't get him#my post#i might have to elaborate later because i have a lot to say#but the point is no he did NOT ''betray'' crowley at the bandstand#because at no point was he working with him for their own side until he explicitly defied orders in heaven send post
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i should rlly make textposts abt my ocs and just post more here in general lol. ive delegated a lot of shit to my sideblog so this one gets abandoned AND i spend most of my time talking on discord but idk i want to actually engage ppl on here??
if i post shit abt my ocs thats not just art promise not to be mean to me ok <3
#adrian speaks#IDKKKKK i had some weird feelings for the last like hour abt smth dumb and i realized i should be talking here more#idk like. cant lie im so jealous of ppl that have fans of their ocs beyond their friends#CANT OVERSTATE HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE MY FRIENDS HYPIGN UP MY OCS BTW !!!!#however. idk i want to build a ''''fanbase'''' if u can even call it that lol#mainly i want to be less shy abt sharing oc lore >:)#anyway whatever i should be sleepin
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So excited that having almost 1000 followers means I get notes on my fics…
#like what the actual fuck#I feel like having over 900 followers means I should get at least 100 notes per fic on the low end… and here I am fucking begging for 20#I spend hours and hours writing and editing and making moodboards like I have other responsibilities I’m a full time student but I love#writing and I love sharing my writing but it’s so fucking draining like I’m screaming into the void every time I post#I should need to beg for notes or interaction why is it so hard for people like… I’d rather you not follow me if you’re never going to#interact and I don’t write for the notes but I do post for notes… would an author publish a book just for no one to buy it??? like even#a reblog without a comment would be nice or just like a heart or a this was great would be so fucking wonderful but I guess that’s too much#ask for#anyway… idk how to feel rn
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...
#hhhhh i just wanna lay in bed watching movies all day. i need some sort of wizard to turn me into a salamander so i dont have to do my job#it takes me all day to relax and for what? its Sunday and i have to grade at e#least 45 lab reports and make a presentation about photosynthesis so i can teach tomorrow so that i can barely tread water#im so behind on grading. and thats not to mention all the other bullshit i should b doing. ugh. i just wanna not do anything#i got covid vaccinated yesterday so im kinda exhausted on top of preexisting exhaustion. anf i would like my problems to stop existing#also i forgot how annoying it is to live in a place with mice. like stop scurrying around in my walls! stop trying to make mouse holes#dont make me murder u bc i will. ill buy mouse traps and thdn youll b sorry#but id rather not do that bc itll b annoying to check the traps and dispose of the bodies. bleh#i just wanna watch surreal movies abt self destruction and cosmic horror#so annihilation and maybe sunshine bc i havent watched it and oh god whats that polish movie uuuuuh#i can't remember. it starts with s i think but all i can think is susperia which is not correct. solaris? i cant remember if i watched#it or just read thr book. idk i like surreal slightly pretentious movies. under the skin is another i lov#god. i dont wanna get up. i still only got 7hrs sleep. i just wanna lay here and decompose#fuck. i have so much to write for Wednesday. and i think i have to share a paper Friday. fuck.#unrelated
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🌸
#time to scream into the void about how LONELY I am#I keep eating but I stay hungry so#that wasn't a weird deep statement what I mean is that as of recent I could eat a full meal then still feel hungry after whats up w that#also im lonely and I need to be practicing violin but ion want to#and I want to go graduate undergrad early and go to grad school!#and I lowk want to drop out of the masters program im already in bc#uhh too much money??#this is all Very personal information that I should not be sharing to some strangers online + the 4-5 irls that follow me on here#I think I want to leave the city bc its so overwhelming#granted the place where I want to go to grad school is also City but its less busy City#im SO LONELY#at least if I stay in Not city my best friend is here#idk I just have one bad social incident happen and feel like leaving forever#I want to work in theater whether its working tech or idk#directing or anything else#fuck that corporate bullshit! let me direct ppl or do stage management#I am so tired and miserable I want to graduate early but ik it could just be the Bad Social Incident that happened talking#I also wouldn't be able to see crushy poo if I graduated early but like I have to stop seeing her at some point
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if something tho, i have gotten better about writing just to share with one person and just enjoying creating that way so. thats very nice
#especially since ngl seeing how badly my clicks have tanked on both sites kinda unmotivates me a lot so. being able to do this helps#like said i wrote almost 20k words last month but only got 12k posted on ao3. even less here#sooooo liiiiike. idk what this means going forward#it just feels very nice to have a writer friend who cares about what i do and who i can share stuff with and throw ideas around and whatnot#it just feels nice. i havent had that in a long time and its honestly motivating me a lot more than thinking about posting shit anywhere atm#i get to share and i get shared with and yeah. just posting in private feels so much nicer#it has little to do with the stuff i write too tbh so. yeah#idk where this post was going im eepy#the point is i wrote 2.3k words tonight and they are enjoyed where they should and it makes me happier than posting them so ✌️#if you dont get fics much from me anymore you know what happened lol#night is an absolute mess on main
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ppl will just reblog posts w outright historical misinformation in them
#source: just trust me bro#text post#if a claim sounds strong and compelling you should still fact-check it#bc ppl will make very specific statements like 'oh this specific thing happened after this thing happened as a result of--' and#theyre getting the order of the timeline messed up#and no one is pointing that out. like. ok#i dont like to get my hands dirty on tumblr dot com so you know it wont be me doing that#it tends not to really do anything bc by the time it gets out there... it's already out there#there's already a mistruth on however many ppl's blogs. i've never seen someone directly comment misinfo on my dash#but ppl happily REBLOG it all the time.#and i get it like i get it we all wanna reblog stuff that affirms our world view#this is why i tend not to blog much about social/political issues very much anymore#bc this happens all the time when ppl try to make objective claims#or when they do cite sources the sources will often have their own problems and/or be misquoted#im very skeptical of information i find or see shared on here#which is not to say that my own personal politics are changed or even that theyre vastly different from ppl partaking in them on here#but. like. geez you know it feels like there's no way to win or participate in a useful discourse anymore#idk how to talk about serious issues online in 2024 and it's quite dispiriting honestly#there are no standards anywhere anymore.#everything moves too fast and we want easy satisfaction and that's a huge reason why misinformation is so effective#all across the political spectrum but especially on platforms where it's easy to form an echochamber
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thinking about earlier this year and even last year when i was so deeply hyperfixated on lloyd & he was all i could think about and yet i barely shared any of my thoughts on here. i kind of want to kick myself about it now actually because i know i had so many things to say and so much i wanted to do but i never made it happen. why was i a coward.
#raaghhh i’m just so disappointed in myself :(#it would’ve been so cool to have those posts to look back on now!!!#technically i still can because it’s all rotting in my notes app. but that’s not as fun.#and it’s not even really about that it’s more like. knowing there’s so much that i’ve missed out on#i never shared any of my writing here (despite saying that i would like. 5 million times!) because i was so so scared of it being perceived#so i never got to experience what it’s like to get feedback!!#and then there’s the lloyd roleplay blog that i’ve wanted to make since very early 2021….#i got so close to doing it last year and i put literal hours of effort into the blog but then i just. decided not to use it.#and i think that makes me the most sick because like. how many interactions do you think i missed out on??#maybe it wouldn’t have gone anywhere. maybe it would’ve sucked and died immediately but i’d never know unless i tried!!!#and now i’ll never know.#‘just do it now’ well you see. I Am Still Scared :)#idk i just find it so difficult to put myself out there#even in a fandom that has a grand total of five people 💀#but i am thinking about it!!! and that should count for something#anyway wow i can ramble!#if you read all this…. hi :)#i’ll probably delete this later but it was good to get it off my chest!
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my religion nerd self is frothing at the mouth after seeing so much religious symbolisms around welcome home
#idk it could just be not what i have in mind but#arghhgddshARGGRAGARGAARAGRAGARAGARAAFAHAGFHAD#i am biting them#the as above/so below#the lil devil costume#home being described as 'angelic' in one post (could just be me looking too much into it idk)#ARSGDJSBFSGBKDKGSTRGSRFTAFGT#dont mind me im just......... spinning them so quick in my head idk how else to share my excitement other than ramble here#i could just stim and giggle about it but i remember i have people online who just. tolerate my existence and rambling#so here we are :)#rambles#also i may have missed some other hints but im alr content with what i know#might look more into it after my exams..... which i should be studying for rn#im.. def not watching yet another analysis video for this.. nope
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