#idk how it all works but idk what word is more accurate than withdrawals
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glitchdollmemoria · 1 year ago
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i google how to feel less sick from cigarettes i open quora "first, stop smoking" stop being fucking patronizing. stop it. i know i shouldnt be smoking. i am fully aware of the dangers and it is not enough to stop me because addiction runs deeper than logic. just give me the home remedies and stop acting like addicts are suddenly going to stop just because you tell us drugs are bad for us, as if we havent been bombarded with that information, as if we dont carry shame from engaging in something harmful when we know the harm it causes. stop acting like addiction is a matter of moral and intellectual failure instead of a disease stemming from underlying problems that need to be addressed in order for anything to actually change. stop being patronizing and tell me what tea will make me less nauseous. this is fine to reblog but if anyone tries to fucking lecture me about my life choices im blocking you immediately
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ericspinkhair · 4 years ago
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I can make you forget
pairing: soft dom!Jacob x reader
word count: 1.8k
synopsis: your life sucks and you find yourself seeking comfort in Jacob. he makes you forget everything by making you come twice
warnings: mentions of depression, abusive parents, nipple play, squirting
a/n: idk why I was like, yes, this needs some angst. maybe because Jacob seems like such a great comfort person so I needed to incorporate that into the story somehow
masterlist + requests
reminder: requests are open :)
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The stress of graduating soon as well as having lost most of your friends was tearing at you. 
There were very few people you could always depend on. You had become friends with Kevin first by having to work on a project together for biology class. You had gotten along so well that you became friends and he later introduced you to his other friend Jacob. Of course you got close to him, too. He was the most likeable person you knew. Both of them were absolutely hilarious and never failed to make the corners of your mouth go up.
However, life just felt so overwhelming at times and that would lead to you withdrawing from any social interactions. Jacob and Kevin seemed to be the only ones to understand that it didn't mean anything personal and that it was something you needed to do. And when you wanted to talk or hang out again they were always more than glad to do so.
Though you hated being in school, your home life was somehow even worse. Your parents were always fighting and yelling at each other and you often hid in your room trying to ignore them as tears were streaming down your face.
Those were the times when you seeked closeness to your friends. You never told them what about your struggles but your silence was enough to make them understand.
One night, your parents were fighting particularly hard.
'You never do anything around the house. How am I supposed to do everything around here?? You couldn't even do the laundry like I asked you to. Was that too much to ask?' your mom confronted your dad. Her eyes were glistening and you could see her body shaking. The wild look in your dad's eyes indicated that he was heavily intoxicated.
'You think I have it easy, huh?? I go to work all day, EVERYDAY, so that you can live. I don't know if you've ever noticed but kids are fucking expensive!' It felt like he was just challenging your mom to contradict him. His words made you flinch.
'She is your daughter. Of course we have to feed her. That is our job as parents.'
'I NEVER WANTED THAT JOB!' He slammed his fist on the table. Spit was coming out of his mouth. 'I told you to abort the child but you wanted to keep her. Look where we are now. You got yourself into this mess. Y/n should have never been born. Things would be a lot easier.'
You were struggling to breathe as you realized that you were the cause of your parents unhappiness. Everything felt like crashing down and you just felt the urgent need to get away.
You had been hiding on the stairs so you got up, ran down and dashed to the door.
Suddenly, a glass was smashed against the wall beside you.
'WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?' your father bellowed. He slowly stood up and began walking towards you but your mom grabbed him by the arm. He slapped her hands away, accidently slapping her.
You opened the door and started running. It was raining and the air was freezing cold but you knew you couldn't go back in. Tears were mixing with the rain drops as you ran through your neighborhood. It was like your legs had a mind of their own as they kept on running further and further. Before you knew it you were standing in front of Jacob's house.
It was already late but you could still see a dim light burning in his room. Since you had left in a hurry you hadn't had a chance to take your phone with you. You resorted in throwing the smallest pebbles you could find against his window. The rest of his family was probably already sleeping and you didn't want to wake them up by ringing the doorbell.
The curtains were pushed aside and a face appeared shortly. After a few seconds Jacob opened the door.
'Y/n? What are you doing here?' He rubbed his eyes in confusion.
You stayed silent because you were struggling to form any words that would accurately describe what happened.
'Are you okay?' he asked worriedly as you didn't move. Not trusting your voice you just nodded your head. You didn't want to fall apart in front of him.
'Are you sure?' Jacob asked again, doubting that you were completely fine if you were standing in front of his house after midnight.
'No,' the emotions came spilling out of your mouth. You ran into Jacob's open arms and buried your head in his chest. Tears were streaming down your face. He embraced you tightly and you fisted his sweater and began sobbing uncontrollably. He stroked your head in a consoling way.
'Hey… It's wet out here. We should go inside,' he suggested and put an arm around your waist to lead you inside.
He gave you one of his sweaters and showed you the bathroom.
You blow dried your soaking wet hair and changed. While the hot air was blowing in your face, you were feeling empty and exhausted.
What had you done to deserve a life like this? Well the only thing you had done was to be born but apparently that was already bad enough.
When your hair was mostly dried, you went to his room. He patted the space next to him, inviting you to sit down. You rested your head on his shoulders and you sat there while Jacob was humming a quiet tune.
'Do you want to talk about it?' he gently asked you after a while. You shook your head.
'I just want to forget everything,' you mumble.
'I can make you forget.' You were confused by what he meant so you turned your head to look at him.
He cupped your cheek in one hand and slowly came closer. He was staring straight at your lips. You closed your eyes and leaned in.
The kiss started very simple. At first they were some soft short kisses, then they became longer and you started engaging your tongues. Hands began roaming and before you knew he was laying on top of you, placing open mouthed kisses on your neck and leaving hickeys.
He helped you get rid of your (his) sweater and slowly started massaging your breasts. He lightly brushed his palms over your nipples which made them stand up hard.
He experementally licked over one of them and your back arched in reaction. While taking turns sucking on your nipples he pinched the free one to keep both sides excited.
You were embarrassed by how much these simple actions affected you. You had tried playing with your breast while masturbating before but it had never really done anything for you. Jacob seemed to know what exactly to do to get you squirming at his touch.
He seemed contented by your intense reactions and smiled encouragingly at you.
His mouth started to wander lower and lower, leaving wet kisses on your rib cage and belly. When he arrived at the shorts, he made eye contact with you as if to ask you for permission. You nodded and he swiftly pulled them down.
He intertwined his fingers with yours as he slowly started licking your wetness. His nose brushed against your clit and you moaned loudly, squeezing his hands tightly.
As he started fucking you with his tongue, he let go of your hands and instead began twisting your nipples. The pleasure you felt in two different parts of your body was exhilarating.
You didn't know how long you lay there but Jacob took his time in making you feel good. He didn't stop until you had your first orgasm. It made your entire body shake and you tried to keep yourself from being too loud.
In return, you wanted to pleasure him now but he (gently) slapped your hand away at your attempt to go near his bulge.
'No, let me make you feel good. I'm already hard enough.'
And that was true. As he pulled down his underwear, his hard cock sprang out. Pre-cum was already dripping from the tip and it looked eager for some action.
After rolling on a condom, Jacob positioned himself behind you and pulled your back against his chest. Because he had prepared you enough, his cock slid in with ease and both of you let out a satisfied moan.
The pace started off slow and you turned your head to involve him in a wet kiss. As he picked up the tempo you let your body fall onto the mattress, only your butt left sticking up in the air.
You were pulling at the bed sheets and tried to drown out your moans in his pillows. You wanted to be loud and scream his name but his family was sleeping and you didn't want to risk being caught and get him in trouble. His quiet groans were enough for you to know he was enjoying this interaction just as much as you were.
At one point you let your ass fall down and you lay there completely flat on the bed. No problem. He just parted your ass cheeks and thrusted into you like this.
His cock hit places deep inside you and riled you up even more. When you started clenching around him, he picked up his pace and his thrusts became more irregular.
He came hard and you regretted not being able to see his face scrunched up in complete bliss.
Instead of ending it there, he slid first two and then three fingers inside you and moved them fast while stimulating your clit with the other hand.
The wet noises that came out of your pussy were an indicator of just how good you felt. Unable to control yourself, juices started squirting out of you but Jacob didn't pull out his hands until you were done.
You were breathing heavily against the mattress. You didn't dare turn around because you felt embarrassed about having squirted.
'You did so well,' Jacob encouraged you while rubbing your back. He then left to get paper towels to clean both of you up.
To say you had left a mess would be an understatement. His sheets were completely drenched in your fluids and even Jacob was wet all over. He didn't seem to mind though and just calmly cleaned everything (and everyone) up.
He then pulled you close and spooned you from behind.
'I hope I could make you forget. You should know that there are always people by your side that love you.'
As you were falling asleep in his warm embrace you thought you heard him mumble: 'Just like I do.'
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vanchlo · 5 years ago
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The Assistant / Chapter Forty-One, “Finally”
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*Gifs are not mine*
Clickable Links:
- *NEW* Becky Magazine Cover from an O.C. Tag Challenge c:
- Masterlist feat. all chapters and Character Surveys
- Inspo tag
- Hecky Playlist
- Read on Wattpad
Warnings: None
Word Count: 10.3k words
Song:  You’re Still The One by Shania Twain, bc duh Just Like Heaven by The Cure (click to listen)
A/N: I am SO excited for you to read this chapter, you’ll soon find out why ;)
                                 SNEAKYYYYYY PEEEEEK
For the fiftieth time in the last two days, I couldn’t be more grateful for how easy things are coming together. I couldn’t be more thankful to have him by my side. It still feels like a dream getting to live this life now, and getting to work with him on the daily, singing Spice Girls amidst stolen cheek kisses.
One puzzle piece at a time, and there’s only one or two pieces left in this puzzle of ours.
"And then my soul saw you and it kind of went ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you.’"
                             - Iain Thomas, ‘I Wrote This For You’
There was truly nothing that could rock the waves I was currently riding, and I couldn’t wait a second longer to do the very thing that would make them even bigger. They had only climbed since telling Asher earlier this evening, and the smile that shared on our faces. 
Skye was sprawled out on the sofa when I opened the door, finding it impossible to hide the grin on my face as I read a text from Harry that had dinged a moment before. 
i havent been this excited for somethin in a long time bug. absolutely cant wait to see u on friday, idk if i can wait that long ;) good luck on ur case with Myles 2moro, you’ll do great Becks xo
“Well, look who has a pep in her step, all of a sudden. I don’t think I’ve seen you smile in days, since Harry’s left. What’s the occasion, Ree?” she teases, surprising me with the simple act of muting an episode of The Great British Bake Off that our nights consist of as of late. 
“I may have had a good day,” I suggest with a shrug of my shoulders as I put my coat away in the closet. 
“Since bloody when? You were in a shitty mood the last time we spoke, having ‘Harry withdrawals,’ or something. I’d say the only reason you could be happy right now is if you’d seen him, which would be impossible seeing he’s in Glasgow for another few days,” she mutters. I observe the look on her face change and how her eyebrows dance along her forehead after I turn around to face her, letting the smile lose. “Wait, he’s still there, isn’t he?” she questions, reaching a hand out as if looking for an answer with her body, too. 
My head shakes from side to side slowly as my lips part to show my teeth, a rarity among my smiles, and the expression dawning on her face tells me she recognizes it too. “He came back today, his case finished early, Skye. And I asked him out on a date!” 
“You didn’t?! Ree, you better not be kidding with me, or I’m gonna be really pissed at you!” she chuckles, feigning intimidation in her voice. Hints of the emotions buzzing around inside of me play across her face, meanwhile, my happiness keeps growing notch after notch. 
I don’t know if I can wait that long either, Harry, cause I can’t remember the last time I was this excited. Thank you so much xxx
“I’m not kidding, Skye, and he said yes! He didn’t even let me finish asking and he said yes!” I exclaim after sending the text I had been typing, feeling her arms come around me in a shock when I look back up. 
“I’m so fucking happy for you, Ree, it’s about bloody time!” she remarks excitedly, almost crushing me in a hug. 
“Me too, I can’t remember the last time I was this happy,” I admit softly, relaxing in her arms, even though part of me wishes they were the arms of somebody else. Only an hour later, and I already miss him. Wow, I’ve got this bad. 
“Did you kiss him at least?!”
“No, I’m waiting for the date, I guess. I looked like proper crap today, I’ve been up so late the last few nights prepping for the case with Myles,” I laugh, pulling away from her smell of peaches and chocolate when my pocket dings. 
“First kisses aren’t something you plan, Ree, they just happen out of nowhere. The sooner, the better.” 
“I guess you’re right,” I confess with a smile stuck to my lips. “We’ll just see what happens.”
+
Happiness and its synonyms still fill me to the brim an hour later, and whilst my thumbs flit across the screen of my phone. Her words stare back at me, and unbeknownst to me how, I wish I could see her again already. My footsteps wander down the main hallway, and before I know what I’m doing, I arrive at her door. Low and behold, it’s closed and my heart sinks into my chest when I find darkness waiting behind it. 
miss u already bug xoxo
My words are whisked off to her, and soon my legs are entering the doorway of a certain somebody’s office, although not the one I was hoping for.
“It’s about time you made your rounds and came to say hi to me. Should I feel offended I’m the last one on your list?” Myles teases from behind his desk with a grin lining his lips. 
“Oh, shuddup. Did Becks leave already fer tha night?” I question, letting my shoulder fall to the door frame as I watch the small ‘delivered’ appear under my blue text. 
“Yeah, I ran into her about twenty minutes ago in the break room when she was clocking out. What, didn’t you already see her?”
“Ya, she was me first visitor. I was jus’ hopin’ t’ see her ‘gain,” I shrug, well aware of the terrible job I’m doing of hiding the one hundred watt smile I’m wearing. 
“And does that have anything to do with you blinding me with that smile of yours?” he inquires, raising a sandy blonde eyebrow at me. 
“Maybe it has sumthin’ t’ do with me havin’ a date with her on Friday, as of an hour ago,” I reveal casually with a shrug of my shoulders, feeling the smile grow larger somehow. 
“Fucking finally,” Myles chimes with happiness spreading across his face, and I nod quickly. 
“I know, ‘s all finally comin’ t’getha fer us.”
+
It would be accurate to say that I was still in utter disbelief after yesterday, and rehashing it all to Skye the second I got home only made it all seem more real, and even better. Then again, that was an understatement, because I had been waiting for this for years. I had been waiting to feel this way for too long, and to be able to say and think that I have a date with Harry tomorrow. An actual, proper date. Several times, I cursed myself for not making the date on Thursday night, tonight, because although I had waited painstakingly for five days, another two felt like twenty years.
It was even bittersweet coming to work the next day and not seeing him there, confusing the habits and expectations I had come to know. I still had to finish up the case with Myles that he would finish arguing, with my help, for the next two days. I tried to think of it that way, that the date would be even better after finishing that case, and in a way, signifying my return to Harry. God, it was all too perfect, but it would be even more so if I didn’t have to wait another bloody day, well actually two, to see him. Yesterday wasn’t long enough, but when I think about it, no length of time ever is with him and that’s how I know I’m in trouble.
Also, that I’m walking right into one of my dreams.
+
After a morning spent in court starting off the case, I was back at the firm with Myles after lunch to work on it some more. He had given me more time to myself to work on my own than Harry had, but I preferred it that way. Harry was right, Myles was good to me, and I did learn a lot from him, but it wasn’t the same as being with Harry. Nothing has ever and never will be the same as being with him, certainly not. Also, the whole Family and Interpersonal side of court was depressing as fuck, I found out. The topic littered Harry and I’s conversations the last almost week, resulting in me taking after him and deciding to stay far away from it for now. 
I’m reminded of him everywhere I go, and it definitely makes trying to get my work done all the more difficult. I see his face in the succulent sat at the corner of my desk, behind my office chair where he would lean over me to help me on my laptop, on my sofa where he opened his birthday presents with explosive happiness, and in the reflection on the tall window where I now stand in the same spot as on his birthday when he hugged me against his front with a kiss to my head. A day later, and it all still feels so surreal to me, and I’m not mad about it. I appreciate its distracting qualities, leaving me to not worry as much about what the hell I’m going to wear tomorrow, and messing things up. Skye’s already picked out five outfits for me by now, I’m sure, but I was at a loss last night when I perused my closet. The pressure to impress somebody I’ve already met a hundred times, feels even greater than my second interview I had at the firm, and I tell myself I don’t know why, even though I do.
I want to wear the right thing, and feel beautiful. More than that, I don’t want to mess things up between us, again, no matter how stupid that sounds. No matter how premature it is to worry about right now.
With the happiest of sighs, I wander over to my bookshelf that now sits a dozen law books, gifts from Harry, Skye, Robbie, my dad, and Asher. Perhaps my favorite, to no surprise, is the Lawyer’s Dictionary that Harry got me. It has a section for all of the law jargon, another on many important laws, and lastly finishes with a guide for working the courtroom. I was just getting on my tippy toes to grab it when I feel a pair of arms surround my chest and pull me against theirs. 
“Hiya, brat,” a voice teases, tickling my neck. 
“Harry!” I exclaim with surprise, grabbing hold of his forearms. “Why do you love to scare me so much?”
“I dunno, ‘s fun, and coz yer a brat, so ya deserve it,” he giggles, and finally I relent and do too as I turn around to face him. 
“I am not a brat!” I argue, finding his flushed stubbly cheeks, taking a second to get used to the thick stubble covering them now. 
“Ya are, I reckon, couldn’t even wake me up last night t’ finish tha rest o’ tha FRIENDS episode on FaceTime, jus’ kept watchin’ along without me. If that doesn’t make ya a brat, then I dunno what does,” he tuts, clucking his tongue as he shakes his head at me. My giggles grow into a hearty chuckle as his folded hands settle at the small of my back. 
“Harry Edward!” I scoff, swatting at his chest once again hidden by his Northface coat, matching his black skinny jeans. 
“Hey, ya betta watch that hand o’ yers, bug, and that mouth too.”
“I’m not a brat,” I whine, all facial features falling into a pout that immediately grabs his attention. 
“Rebecca Ann, don’t even start with me. Put that bloody pout away befo’ ya regret it,” he insists, pointing his eyes at me with the smallest of smirks peeking through on his lips. It wins him over and soon his dimples accompany his deep laugh. “Stop, yer not a brat, bug, ‘m jus’ teasin’ ya. Y’know that. Jus’ can’t believe it didn’t even take a week fer ya t’ skip ahead o’ me in our show.”
“The episode was already three quarters of the way over!” I protest, earning a good finger wag at me. I fight back and push against his chest. “And I didn’t want to wake you up, you were so tired.”
“No, it was not! It was only half way through and ya couldn’t even wake me up! How rude o’ my Becks t’ be makin’ up excuses.” 
“Stop being mean to me,” I pout again, beginning to turn away with my arms crossed over my chest. 
“Hey, ‘m jus’ givin' ya a hard time, bug, y’know that. Yer neva a brat, and even if ya are, yer my brat,” Harry hums warmly, the honey returning to his voice in full force as he catches me around the middle with his arms once again. I can’t remember the last time I heard his voice absent of the honey, though. I don’t ever want to. “I wouldn’t want ya any otha way.”
“I knew you were only joking.”
“You li’l liar!” he laughs against my temple and mine joins his ever so contagious one. “Y’know, ‘ve always loved how ya neva take me shit and how ya can dish it right back, Becks.”
“Of course, I figured out at  the very beginning that I wouldn’t get by without it.”
“That’s me girl,” he coos, bringing me forth and round to find his gentle green eyes once more. They smile at me with a sparkle to them I haven’t had the pleasure to know before. I’ve yet to see him look at anybody this way, and I wonder if I have my own special look in my eyes for him, too. If I do, it was born long ago. 
“What are you doing here? I thought you had said you were going to take it easy until Monday, since your case got done early,” I wonder aloud, unsure of what to do with my hands until they venture to his coat’s zipper on their own, pulling it up and down distractedly. 
“I was, until My’ roped me into a partner meetin’ t’day, and I wanted t’ see a special sumbody,” he sighs with an accented roll of his eyes at first, and then they dish out their dazzle on me. “But that’s it, and ‘m off afta that. I hafta do a li’l work fer my case afta finishin’ it, but it’ll only take ten minutes tops. Then laundry, cleanin’, and tha like at home before grocery shoppin’. Only jus’ now got outta bed, tha bloody jetlag.”
“Ah, I see. The work of a lawyer never ends, it seems,” I comment and he nods above me, eyes watching my every move closely. “God, if I knew you’d be here today I would have tried a little harder when I got dressed this morning,” I laugh nervously, my eyes falling to his crimson button-up peeking out from his coat, decorated with gray flowers and foliage. 
“Ya don’t even hafta try and ya look gorgeous, Becks. Promise,” Harry disagrees, the molasses pouring out from his words and into my heart, pushing the very last chip away. Just like that, I’m all his again, but I think it happened long before this and I didn’t know. Daring a look up at him, the dimples couldn’t be deeper in his cheeks as his sunshine smile radiates onto me, the pad of his thumb rough against my cheek. “I sure missed seein’ that smile, ‘s me favourite.” 
My anxiousness carries away with the sunshine, and I’m left with red cheeks and a smile that makes them hurt. It almost pains me to look into his bright sunny eyes, but I wouldn’t want to be looking anywhere else. Finally, I let myself look and with that, I let him in a little further and start to let go. 
“You’re really laying it on thick,” I jest harmlessly with a smile, dragging my finger down the seam of his chest where the two sides of the fabric meet in red cloth buttons. 
“Ya, coz I finally can,” he grins, and the warmth spreading across my body in tingly waves finds an outlet in a soft laugh of mine. 
Anxious yes, but ever so happy while his hand spreads out flush against my back, fingertips moving lazily. I’ve already pinched myself once or twice today wondering if this is all a dream, and shocked that I could ever be this happy. There were so many times I doubted the existence of it and its possibility, and everything it had to do with having this with Harry. Predictably, an electronic twinkle interrupts our conversation, and I’m confused to find him lifting his wrist. 
“Woah, look at the fancy lawyer,” I tease, his already colossal smile growing taller as he flicks a finger across his shiny new Apple watch. “That must have cost a pretty penny.”
“Ya, and My’ dished out e’ry last cent,” he titters, pressing his palm to the shiny surface rounded by space grey edges, returning his eyes and hands to me. “It was his birthday present t’ me, sayin’ that I should be mo’ organized at me age, or sumthin’.”
“Talk about brutal honesty right there.”
“Don’t go bloody agreein’ with him now!” Harry scoffs, but his mouth open in disgust is no more, lined by joyous lips that soon attack my cheeks in kisses. 
“No, no, no!” I beg aloud in shrieks when his quick fingers dance along my ribs, sending jolts of electricity across my body. More exclamations and pleas escape them before I say the magic words, “Harry Edward!” 
“What d’ya want, hmm, Rebecca Ann?” he asks breathlessly, that adorable breathy laugh falling off of his glossy cherry lips. 
“I think you like saying my full name too much,” I contend, giving up and falling into the sage green abyss of his eyes for the hundredth time, or more. 
“Maybe I do. Maybe I like it,” he shrugs mischievously, that smirk glued to his lips that pull me in. 
“Do you like it, the watch?”
“Ya, ‘s nice. I thought ‘d told ya ‘bout it, sorry. Reckon it has helped me t’ stay organized. Speakin’ of, me meetin’ ‘s inna few, so I hafta take off, bug,” he croons with disapproving lips, his bottom lip soon jutting out from the top. 
“Harry Styles, don’t you even!” I threaten rather weakly, the sounds of happiness leaving my lips doing a good job of that. 
“Oh, and what if I don’t? Hmmm, Rebecca Holte, jus’ what will ya do ‘bout it?” Harry returns, wiggling an eyebrow at me that makes my chest rumble with harder laughter. 
“I’ll just have to stop you, but I don’t know how just yet.”
A devilish smirk is born on his lips before my eyes, and soon leaves my view while his face escapes to the crook of my neck, his voice soon tickling my skin, “Lawyers gotta be quick on their feet, bug. Reckon I can think o’ a way ya can make these lips stop poutin’, maybe ya can try it on me t’morro’ afta our date,” he hums against my neck, knitting up his sentence with a whisper of a kiss below my ear.
I feel like a fricken sixteen-year-old all over again, and I’m loving every second. 
“You better get going to your meeting, before you’re late, Harry,” I giggle uncontrollably,  sure that my face is blotchy with red all over because of what he just said. My suspicion is confirmed when he lifts his head of moused curls to look me in the eyes again, and the glint in them tells me so. I feel like I can read him even better now, all because he’s letting me. 
“‘s alright, they expect me t’ be late by now, ‘s a given,” he insists with a comedic shrug of his shoulders, hands wandering away from my back and to our sides where they invite my hands into his. 
“Will you stop and say goodbye this time?”
“‘Course, bug. ‘m sorry I missed ya yestaday, ya had already left afta I had made me rounds,” he assures me, receiving a quiet ‘it’s okay’ from me. 
“Try not to fall asleep at your meeting today,” I joke, watching his eyes roll into the back of his head briefly before he scoops me into his arms for a squeeze. 
“I won’t if ya promise not t’ be a brat anymo’ and skip ahead in our show.”
“Get lost and go to your meeting already!” I laugh, shoving him away by his chest, observant of his mouth relaxing into a disbelieving ‘O’. His laugh echoes mine quickly, only disrupted when my hand comes to his cheek to plant my lips on his other for a few seconds longer than necessary. “I’m so glad you’re back, Harry.”
“So am I, Becks, so bloody much,” he echoes, holding my hands a little tighter in his, even bringing one to his lips for a kiss. “Good luck on yer case, love, for tha thousandth time. ‘m so proud o’ you.”
With that, he leaves me in a puddle of my own surreal emotions, disappearing from my office with a look over his shoulder wearing that smirk. That very smirk I want so desperately to kiss off those cherry lips already. Tomorrow, I think, if I can make it until then. Just one more day.
+
I had been struggling with finishing this last part, or rather redoing it, for too long now. When my eyes again strayig to the violet clock, I was surprised to find that it had been almost an hour, and I hadn’t gotten much further. With my head in my hands, I sigh as feelings battle to be felt within my insides. After today’s argument, Myles and I had to shift our approach, and I still wasn’t sure of how to do that. He had been helping me, of course, but I still felt so lost. It doesn’t help that he’s currently caught up in the partner’s meeting that Harry is also at, and Jennings who is but isn’t a partner. I still don’t get it, even though Harry explained it to me a few times. The next time he does, I’ll have to remember to ask him to dumb it down for me. 
Even after pouring over our shared notes in Google Docs, and my several law books strewn across my desk, I’m at a loss for what to do.
I wish more than anything that it was already five pm tomorrow, and that the only thing I have to think about is my date with Harry. I still don’t know what the hell to wear, or to do with my hair, or how heavy to go with my makeup. 
“Why tha long face, bug?” somebody pipes up, pulling me away from my immersive thoughts. Blinking hard, I tear my eyes away from the laptop screen and look over to the door, but I don’t lift my tired head from my propped fist. 
“I don’t know what to do for my argument.”
“Still? Why didn’t ya jus’ ask, Becks?” Harry hums with an inviting smile, pressing the door to come just shy of closing. 
I shrug my shoulders with a heavy exhale, scrolling through what I have so far, quickly realizing how embarrassing it’ll be to show him. I can’t exit out quickly enough, hearing his footsteps arrive behind me. 
“Hey, what d’ya think yer doin’?” he teases when I switch tabs, quickly feeling the weight of his hand on top of mine, dragging the mouse along. “Don’t be nervous, love, ‘m here t’ help. Always am,” he coos softly, a hand settling on my adjacent shoulder, earning me an encouraging squeeze. 
“It’s embarrassing, Harry. I’ve been sitting here for over an hour trying to figure out what to do, and I have next to nothing to show for it.”
“Relax, ‘s only yer first official case yer arguin’. Don’t be so hard on yerself, Becks. It sounds like ya need a break, bug,” he insists, sending sparks along my left arm as he rubs stripes along the skin. It’s not long before I hear a familiar laugh and slowly, Harry’s dancing figure comes into view. “Yo ‘ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what ya want, what ya really, really want,” he belts out, his phone blasting the song cupped in his hand. 
“Oh my God,” I sigh with an accidental laugh, my head falling into my hands. I’m too curious though, and so I peek out from behind my spread fingers to watch him sing passionately with his eyes closed while breaking out some amusing dance moves. “Please, stop,” I chuckle, but I’m sure he also hears the lie in my voice. 
“‘m not stoppin’.”
“Please, Harry. You’re going to make me die from secondhand embarrassment,” I confess into my hands, feeling brave and letting my fingers fall down to below my eyes. Mistakenly, his catch mine and they fly back up to cover my eyes, or for the most part. 
“Rebecca Ann, ‘m not stoppin’ ‘til ya come and join me.”
“Then you’re going to be there for a while,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders, certain of one thing and that’s the smile claiming my lips, and the forgotten document staring at me. I’m too preoccupied with the silly, dancing man in front of my eyes, and how somehow this makes me love him all the more. 
“Becks,” he insists, in between singing along to the song very badly. Oh no, I think as his steps near me once again. Before I know it, I’m staring into darkness as his breath tickles the back of my neck. 
“Stop,” I beg with laughs interjected among my pleas. They grow into near shouts and exclamations when his singing is accompanied by his fingers dancing across my sides, and along the slopes of my neck. “Harry!” I almost yell, and when my laughs couldn’t hurt my belly more, it all ceases. Only the singing remains and is joined by his stubbly cheek against my temple, and his arms coiled around my shoulders. “If ya wanna be my lova, ya gotta get with my friends.”
“Make it last forever, friendship never ends,” I continue for him, giggles heard at the end when his nose tickles the corner of my sensitive neck. 
“There’s me happy Becks, ‘m glad I found her ‘gain,” Harry coos, leaving a kiss on my temple before he helps me to tackle my argument. 
Five days did and didn’t feel very long when I think about it now, with his arms wrapped around me as his voice tickles my ear. Too easily, I can remember his absence over those long days, and how effortlessly they felt far longer. I barely survived with his texts and phone calls alone, and it hurts to think that if it hadn’t been for his case finishing early, I’d still be sitting here in my office all in my lonesome. 
Those thoughts are yanked away - thank God - when his voice brings me back, spewing legal mumbo jumbo that luckily nowadays I can understand, but I couldn’t have always said that. Harry makes quick work of what would be my best route to take and how I do that, and for the fiftieth time in the last two days, I couldn’t be more grateful for how easy things are coming together. I couldn’t be more thankful to have him by my side. It still feels like a dream getting to live this life now, and getting to work with him on the daily, singing Spice Girls amidst stolen cheek kisses.
One puzzle piece at a time, and there’s only one or two pieces left in this puzzle of ours.
+
The murmur of voices assaults my ears when I walk through the door, and feel my vision tugged towards the ceiling decorated with chandeliers. A song by Frank Sinatra floats around the entryway, hardly calming my overactive nerves, despite it being a favorite of my late grandpa’s. When I finally reach the host’s stand, the nerves topple out with my words, jumbling them.
“Reservation for H-Harry Styles, please,” I tell the towering, dark haired man. After a few moments tapping away on the kiosk, he grabs two menus and leads me through a maze of linen covered tables sat under the glow of the several chandeliers. 
I try to hide my disappointment when he leads me to an empty, round table, leaving with a few words about my server being with me soon. Another feeling bubbles up inside me, forcing itself to join all of the others mixed together within me. I had a feeling I was too early, I think silently as I shrug off my long pea coat to hang over my chair. Skye’s wishes of good luck and ‘lots of snogging’ float back to me, filling my sad cheeks with another wash of pink. ‘No, you aren’t driving yourself, I’m dropping you off so then you can get a ride home with him, and lay a big one on him when he walks you up,’ she had insisted, but the anxiousness years in the making is doing a good job of making me doubt myself tonight. 
My attention drifts to my phone that is silent with no new messages, but I still check our conversation. The last message was from him:
see u in half an hour for our date bug :) xxx
My thumb scrolls through our previous messages, straying to last night’s that brings a smile to my face. 
I have no idea what to wear tomorrow :/ 
meant it when i said u look beautiful in anything Becks ;) help what should i wear ? xx
I might be a little impartial to that gray suit you wore to my class lecture that one time ;) 
noted ;) i may especially love the color red on u if u wanna know 
Noted ;) Question....
shoot, love 
Skye was gonna drop me off tonight on her way to her boyfriend’s …. Would a ride home be too much to ask?
course not Becks. anytime u need a ride im here. id love to give u a ride home. perfect we can jam 2 some spice girls in the car then ;) 
I can’t wait
neither can i bug :) 
My reminiscing is interrupted when my eyes fall to my outfit of choice, tugging up the scoop neck that Skye insisted wasn’t ‘too slutty.’ Now, I’m not so sure about it, and I can’t decide if I wish he’d show up already, or if I’m not ready. Those thoughts are stolen away when the texts disappear on my phone, his smiling face claiming the screen with a jingle. 
“Hello?” I answer with a gulp, trying to hide the anxious tremble in my voice. I can’t help it, my eyes dart to my wrist, noticing it’s already 6:05 pm.
“Hi, bug. ‘m sorry but tha traffic ‘s horrendous and ‘m afraid ‘ll be late gettin’ t’ tha restaurant. E’rybody else ‘s comin’ home from work too,” Harry explains from the other side, a weird sound taking over his voice. Yeah, we’re not too good at this pretending thing anymore, are we? I can hear the nerves in his voice, probably just like he can hear them in mine. 
“Oh, it’s okay, Harry. I don’t mind at all, just be careful driving,” I respond, feeling a sense of relief at knowing where he is. I know he never would, but it squashes the tiny voice inside of me saying he wasn’t ever going to show up. 
“‘Course I will, love. Thanks fer understandin’. Reckon ‘ll be there in ten. Are ya there already?” he responds, just the sound of his voice doing wonders at calming me down. The only thing that could take it all away is a hug, one of his.
“Yeah, I just sat down.”
“Mmmm, d’ya mind scopin’ out tha menu while yer there? I won’t be too long, we can order once I get there, if that’s alright,” he asks, the sound of traffic sneaking into our phone call for a second. Then, I hear him sigh ‘finally’ and the subsequent thrum of the motor.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll see you soon then, careful driving.”
“I can’t wait t’ see you, Becks,” he hums before hanging up, leaving me sitting across from an empty chair that I can’t stop picturing him sitting in. 
This is really happening.
Finally.
+
The sound of her voice rings in my ears, and does nothing to stop the anxious shakes coursing throughout my body. Curses fall under my breath as I honk at somebody who pulls out right in front of me, making me slam on my brakes. With a sigh, I turn on my indicator before making my turn.
Pulling my keys from the ignition drenches my surroundings in silence, and reminds me of my heart beating wildly within my chest. Looking up, the decorative windows of the restaurant appear before me in shrouded light. She’s somewhere in there . . waiting for me.
Get it together, Harry. You can do this.
My eyes drift to the rear view mirror and I card my fingers through my hair until it looks decent enough. That’s as good as it’s going to get, I almost mutter while smoothing down my blazer underneath my coat. The bone chilling February night nips at my face once my feet touch the tarmac. Streetlights cast glows all around me, as well as the headlights of several cars. The thumping within my chest grows louder and faster as my feet near the door, and then the stand where a manicured man waits.
“Hi. I made a reservation unda the name ‘Harry Styles’,” I tell him, immediately casting my eyes to the tables within view, searching for her dark chocolate locks. 
“Right this way,” he replies, waving a hand to follow him and I do. He leads me past several tables, empty and occupied, and almost gets me lost in the process.
The last thing I feel is lost when my eyes finally find her.
“Thank you. I-I got it from here,” I tell him hurriedly, holding a hand out that brings us both to a halt. He walks away after a short ‘you’re welcome,’ leaving me there, right where I want to be.
I don’t remember the smile reaching my ears or my heart quieting within my chest as I watch her flip through the menu thirty feet away from me. The prettiest red dress dons her long body, falling just underneath her collarbones and draped over the curve of her shoulders. Her hair falls in dark, natural waves, almost hiding the round opal sitting above the scoop of scarlet fabric. A tingling sensation blankets my body from head to toe, and the image of Becks sitting there waiting for me is burned into my mind.
It feels like I’m meeting her again for the first time, but I’m not. This feels like a new first time, and I know it’s one I won’t ever forget, much like the very first time I laid my eyes upon her. 
It felt like a Monday. For the bloody life of me, I couldn’t remember if it was one at the moment. Is it Monday? I’m not sure, but with the way things were going today, it sure felt like one. The copier had a jam, I forgot the first lunch I’ve made in years at home, and my girlfriend had been annoying the fuck out of me this morning. To top it all off, I had applicants being interviewed today to fill the position of my personal assistant, ever since the last one bolted. She didn’t last more than two weeks, a big surprise. 
Pete had been blowing up my phone for the last ten minutes, and I finally had had enough. Without an announcement or a knock, I stride into his office, fully intent on finding out what the hell he wants. 
“I’m a little busy, if you haven’t noticed,” he retorts over the head of dark chestnut locks sat in front of him. Presumably, one of the new applicants for my personal assistant. Hmm. 
“Well, ya kept ringin’ me bloody phone, Pete. So, what tha hell d’ya want?” I insist, throwing up a hand that falls to my thigh with a loud slap. 
Suddenly, I wish the quiet little thing would turn around, and give me a look at her. Shy, she is, it seems. There she sits, tucked away into her little shell, dressed to impress in a dark dress. 
“I’m in the middle of an interview!” he exclaims, certainly making a good first impression with the applicant. It makes me wonder for the tenth time why I bother having him do the interviews, but then I remember that I don’t really give a fuck, as long as I don’t have to do them. 
“What fer, huh?” I tease, instantly getting a snappy response from Pete about it being for me, as if I didn’t already know. But, I did, and am only doing this to bother him even more. 
“Ooo, ‘s it now? Ya get me a good one? Huh, Pete?” I grin, taking a step forward as a hand in my pocket plays with the tiny, metal guitar attached to my key ring. Sticking my head out as I move forward, my eyes dance across her head, and her profile that soon comes into view. “Hullo, love. Gonna be me new one, are ya? Petey here says I can’t keep one fer tha life o’ me, so here he ‘s interviewin’ me anotha one. How’s she doin’ so far, Petey? Think she’s a winna?” I joke aloud, knowing full well the effect my words have on the both of them. 
My subsequent introduction falls from my lips after a retort from Pete, and then the stranger finally turns to look me in the eyes. I rack my brain, trying to put a name to her face from a prior conversation with Pete. Or was it going over her resume when it came in the other day? I can’t remember which, and I blame it on her captivating baby blue eyes, as well as the intoxicating smile that greets my own. Words float from her lips and grace my ears for the very first time, and I knew immediately that she was something else. 
“Hi, my name is Becky. Becky Holte.”
Little did I know how drastically she would change my life, sometimes I thought for the worse, but ultimately for the better. The better, always. I had no way of knowing at that very moment, how many times she would come to save me.
My Becks.
+
The sound of homemade ravioli filled with chicken and three kinds of cheese is almost making my mouth water. It also makes me wonder when Harry will finally be here, and habitually, my eyes lift to look for him. To my surprise, I find him standing a ways away with the sweetest smile stuck to his lips. 
“Hiya, Becks. Sorry ‘m late. Ya look . . absolutely gorgeous, by tha way,” he comments once he’s within a few steps of the table. He reaches across to squeeze my arm before sitting down across from me, a blush pinching his cheeks. 
“Thank you, Harry. I uh, like the suit you went with, you look very handsome in it. Good choice,” I return, failing to not focus on the fast thrumming deep inside of me. 
“Ya, a certain sumbody said it was their favourite on me, so I couldn’t disappoint,” he grins with a shrug, unfastening the button at his waist, exposing the satiny black button-up hidden underneath. 
“Good, I’m glad you didn’t,” I smile, sure of the warmth he can see filling my cheeks, because I can see it mirrored in his own. “I like that you kept the stubble.”
“Why thank you,” he comments, once again rubbing it with his thumb and forefinger, and like before, making me all the more jealous. “I trimmed it up a li’l bit, figured I betta.” 
“Oh, I hope you keep it. I think I prefer you with it.”
“D’ya now, Becks?” he teases with a lift of his eyebrows, his tousled curls almost tickling his forehead, but just barely. “‘ll hafta rememba that,” he smiles, and more than ever, it’s incredibly contagious. My cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling by now, but I don’t even mind. 
“The um,” I begin nervously, my eyes falling to the elegant paper menu opened in front of me. It pains me to look away from him and the sunshine emanating from his smile, but it’s not so bad when I feel his chelsea boot knock against my heel, remaining there against the back of my ankle. “Chicken ravioli sounds good, as well as the margherita pizza, and Cacio e Pepe. Lots of good choices for dessert, too.”
“Mmm, they all sound good, love. Thanks fer lookin’ fer us,” he muses aloud, head bent down to peer at the menu when I glance over to him. 
His habit returns and his bottom lip is caught between his teeth, and somehow, it makes my smile grow bigger. I didn’t think that was possible, but here I am with aching cheeks. I nudge his foot with mine and he looks up with a question on his face, soon relaxing into a sparkling smile. That effervescent look in his eyes from the other day returns, and if I hadn’t known it already, I truly could look into his eyes for the rest of eternity. The dimples haven’t left his cheeks since he arrived, and his raspberry lips beg at me from across the table. 
“Let’s give it a try then,” he remarks, closing his menu without breaking our eye contact. The words dipped in honey flow from his lips and tickle something inside me, and I want more than anything to hear another meaning in them. His foot nudging at mine in return only makes me give in to it, and so does his wink. 
Our server arrives at our table shortly, and I thank God for the champagne she pours into tall flutes, not taking the edge off fast enough. A conversation blossoms between us about his case, and then mine with Myles. 
“Ya did great by tha way. Congrats on tha win, Becks, ‘m so fookin’ proud o’ you,” Harry grins adamantly, sweetness pouring off of his words that come out with a shake of his head. 
“Thank you so much, Harry. Wait, how’d you know we won it? I was just going to tell you,” I ask with furrowed brows, and receive a measly shrug of his shoulders in return. The look on his face, as if a revelation is threatening to burst from his lips, teases at me until it abates when the server brings us waters and we order. 
“So so bloody proud o’ you t’day, Becks,” he whispers as she pulls out her notepad and a pen. Possibilities blossom within my mind after he sends me a coy wink and knocks his foot against mine again. It doesn’t leave my own throughout the rest of our time there, during our meal and the laughs we share over glasses of champagne, and a plate of Tiramisu that I somehow let him share with me.
+
“I knew it! You were there today, sitting in the gallery, weren’t you?!” I exclaim, mumbling a short ‘thank you’ when he opens the car door for me. 
“Maybe,” Harry shrugs casually, walking around the front of the car as I fall onto the leather seat. 
“Harry Styles!” I nearly shout, if it weren’t for my voice dissolving into a giggle as he slides behind the steering wheel next to me. 
“What? I had some stuff t’ do at tha courts, so I may have popped in fer a mo’,” he explains. 
“Sure,” is all I say as I pull the seat belt across my chest. 
“Hush, and play some music, bug. Here,” he insists, handing me his grey iPhone that looks normal sized in his hand, and then gigantic in mine. 
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to watch?”
“Coz o’ that right there, Becks. Yer nervous ‘bout it right now afta tha fact, imagine how ya woulda been if ‘d told ya I was comin’ befo’ yer argument t’day,” he returns, pressing buttons on the dash and soon, waves of hot air greet my cold body. 
“I guess you’re right.”
“‘m what? I didn’t catch that,” Harry jests, cupping his ear. A scoff flies from my lips and I playfully swat his shoulder. “Hey, watch it. ‘m drivin’.”
“You haven’t even switched gears, so shut up,” I laugh, catching the eye roll he thinks I don’t see. “I see that eye roll, Styles, you better watch it.”
“You betta watch it, Becks. Betta pick a good Spice Girls song too, ‘m payin’ attention,” he jokes, soon his fingers diving into my side. A laugh escapes me unwillingly, and yanks my eyes over to his giggling lips. 
His name leaves mine in a near shriek, and after a blink, his tickling fingers are gone and lacing between mine. The dark flecks in his sage green eyes catch under the overhead light before it turns off automatically. He gives my hand a good squeeze as his eyes melt into mine, and a zing of electricity runs up my fingers and then my arm. The smile falling into his cheeks mirrors the one that’s been glued to my lips all night, and now grows higher and higher. I return the squeeze just as he looks to his mirrors, the click of the doors locking when he shifts to Reverse. 
It almost hurts to look away, but so many other feelings and thoughts are occupying me as my eyes fall to his phone. Disbelief washes over me as his long, ringed fingers sit between mine. It only grows when he lifts our intertwined hands up and over the middle console, to sit on his warm thigh.
An uninvited wave of pain hits me when I spot familiar sad songs amongst his music library, like the familiar ‘When She Loved Me’ that could make any Toy Story fan weep within seconds of hearing it. It intensifies when my eyes run over the songs Before You Go, Wish You Were Here, Say You Won’t Let Go, and With or Without You. Chancing a glance over at him, he stares straight ahead into the dark night, and a bittersweetness greets me. I try not to let it in, and the realization that perhaps those lost seven months were hell for him too, as were those five days apart. 
“Find it? I have Spice World on there sumwhere. I know I have loads o’ shit on there, sorry,” he comments, turning his head to check his left before pulling onto the busy road. 
“Y-Yeah,” I stutter, looking back to his expansive music library spanning from the 50’s to current music. His thumb drawing circles onto my knuckles brushes some of the sadness away as I bring up the album he speaks of. 
“Bloody hell, why ya choosin’ tha sad one, Becks?” he titters, glancing over to me when we come to a stop at a light. His smile shining back at me whisks away the last drops of the sadness, but hints of it remain with me, begging to be felt. I shrug my shoulders as the beginning lyrics of ‘Too Much’ fills the car, and I only turn it up louder. “I get t’ pick tha next song, if yer playin’ sad stuff. Bloody rubbish you are at pickin’ songs,” he sighs jokingly with a shake of his head, curls tickling his ears and the nape of his neck. 
“I am not!” 
“‘Kay, brat, keep talkin’,” he snickers, earning another scoff from me that he answers with a harder laugh. I cast my eyes to the window with an exaggerated whimper, soon hearing his profuse apologies. “‘m kiddin’, Becks, bloody hell. I already know ya have a good taste in music from all o’ our talks. I like this song too, jus’ thought ya’d go fer some happy songs, seein’ tha . . occasion and e’rythin’. Hey.” 
I answer him with my eyes returning to him, finding his wink before he looks back to traffic, and with my thumb coasting back and forth across his smooth skin. I listen to the lyrics, feeling another squeeze of my hand from him before I change the song. 
“Hey, don’t change it befo’ ‘s done!” he exclaims, and I just laugh, watching his shocked lips soon do the same. 
“Then stop complaining,” I argue, catching another roll of his eyes as the car slows to a stop in front of another light. Joy buds on my lips as the surprise unfolds on his features, meanwhile his eyes crinkle, the dimples fall deeper, and his raspberry lips thin out as a smile consumes his face. 
“I knew ya were sumthin’ special,” he notes aloud with a shake of his head, a giggle emanating from his joyous smile, right before he joins me to sing along to Shania Twain’s ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman.’ 
His fingers laced between mine continue to send my heart into overdrive as we belt out the song between contagious laughs, and then another crowd favourite, ‘You’re Still The One.’ This one gets me and sometimes throughout the song, I can’t get myself to look at him with the sincerity held in the lyrics. As well as the words that hit too close to home. 
Finally, I can’t stand it anymore, and my eyes drift over to his at the end of the song, finding that his are already on mine. “‘m so glad we made it. Look how far we’ve come, my baby,” Harry finishes with his eyes dancing upon me with that smile dripping with molasses. As if his hand squeezing mine periodically throughout the song wasn’t already making me want to cry, now I really could. I return the gesture before looking out the window, blinking back the arriving tears from my eyes as those lasting words sing inside of my head. 
Yeah, we finally made it, Harry. Belatedly, but finally.
+
“‘s been years since ‘ve been here, hasn’t changed much tho’,” Harry remarks softly, only a few steps away from my door. 
“Yeah, the inside looks bout the same too.”
“‘m sure. Maybe I could see fer meself one o’ these days,” he remarks aloud, and when my eyes drag over to his nervously, I answer him with a nod. 
“I’d like that.”
“Me too,” he coos, rubbing the pad of his thumb along the back of my hand. A shy smile nudges at the edge of my lips as he stands in front of me, my right hand still safe within his. “Well, I had a wondaful time t’night, thanks again.”
“You’re welcome, and thank you too. I had a lot of fun . . with you.”
“So did I, bug. ‘ll um, text you later then?” Harry says, clearing his throat awkwardly, his bottom lip soon returning to its nervous spot. 
“Y-yeah, sounds good,” I mumble quietly, eyes falling to my hand that he drops. The absence of his warmth against mine feels very strange now, having been holding hands for the entire drive and subsequent walk up to my apartment. 
“Night, Becks.”
“Goodnight, Harry, careful driving,” is the last thing I say before slipping behind my door, finding Skye perched on the sofa. The monotonous, forced words echo in my ears and my eyes fall to the floor, disappointment flooding every inch of me. 
“So, how’d it go?! Did you finally fucking kiss him?!” she shouts the second the door meets its frame. 
“No,” I admit between shy lips, the steps I take seeming as if they’re from somebody else’s body, not mine. The entire last five minutes feels like somebody else had lived them, not me. No, it can’t end like that. “Not yet, anyways,” I rush, ignoring my shoes I already toed off, spinning around and ripping open the door. “Harry, wait!” I exclaim, finding his surprised expression waiting in front of the lift. 
“What?” he asks, eyebrows bent into a questioning mess. 
“I-I forgot something,” I manage, the words spilling out in a heap while he closes the distance between us, stopping right in front of me. Right where I need him. 
“Forgot what, bug? Did ya forget yer shoes in me car?” he titters, the fluorescent glow overhead picking out the few blonde hairs in his stubble. 
“No . . something else,” I finally admit, taking a step when there aren’t any left. 
The dimples remain set into his cheeks while his eyes fall to my lips and mine raise to his. His facial hair is prickly and dense under the pad of my thumb, and his coveted bottom lip is warm and pillowy. The golden hue of his olive green irises fills my mind when my lips finally meet his, and at last, I find his bottom lip between my own. His sweet giggle sounds against my lips as my fingers get lost in his buttery curls. I come to echo it when his hands shock me with their coldness against my hips, pulling me closer to him. One strays to the back of my head as his lips move against mine, the word ‘finally’ repeating incessantly within my mind. His barely there beard is scratchy against my skin, contrasting to the smooth tip of his nose grazing my cheek. The cinnamon and cocoa powder from the Tiramisu cake tickles my taste buds while his spicy vanilla smell covers me like a blanket. Zings shoot across my palm pressed to his smiling cheek, his facial hair prickly against the sensitive skin. 
Not feeling like what was actually mere seconds later, air fills my lungs when we pull away at the same time, sharp inhales filling the air. Quickly, his sweet giggle joins it, and ropes one of my own in. The tip of his nose leaves trails on my cheek as his forehead falls onto mine. 
“Ya have no idea how long ‘ve waited fer that,” Harry rasps, his warm breath dancing across my lips. His own press a whisper of a kiss to mine briefly, although after that, now I’m sure it could never be long enough. 
“I think I do know,” I mumble, my hand straying to his chin where I brush the tip of my thumb against the flesh of his bottom lip. 
“‘m sorry it took us so long, bug.”
“It’s okay, we’re here now. Finally,” I tell him and he nods, the twinkle in his eye bright as can be. For the first time, I let myself melt and lose myself in the greens of his eyes. Something I have wanted to do ever since the very first time I looked into his green eyes and knew I was fucked. 
“Yes, we are. And look at you, Becks. Ya beat me t' tha first date and tha first kiss,” he smirks with a decadent laugh adorning his words. I can’t help but join him while I twirl a ringlet of his hair around the tip of my finger against the back of his neck. 
“Oh, it’s okay, Harry. You got the first hand hold, and the first Shania Twain car duet.”
A roll of his miraculous eyes accompanies his continuing laugh, “Ya, well, so did you, but I got tha more romantic one,” he insists, words welcomed by my surprised scoff. 
“Wait, you don’t find ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’ romantic?!” I nearly exclaim in faux disbelief, my voice softening into a giggle quickly. 
“Only when you sing it, bug,” Harry smiles, thumbing circles into the small of my back. 
“Wait, you got tha first handhold, brat. Rememba, when I visited you at yer old work that day? Bloody hell, you beat me t’ all tha good ones, Becks. No fair,” he snickers with a sigh to his words, the two contrasting the other. I suffice my response with an obligatory nod, feeling my heart just now starting to settle into a regular beat. “Becks, there’s so many things ‘ve wanted t’ say t’ you, and now, I finally can.”
“I think I know how you feel.” 
“First thing ‘ll say ‘s I get tha second date and tha second kiss,” Harry contends with a smirk held in his eyes. 
“Oh, really?” I giggle and he soon nods. He quiets the laugh beginning on my lips with his own giddy ones, my lips molding against his effortlessly. Thoughts blossom quickly within my mind, including why I waited so fucking long to kiss him. If I’d known all of these years how wonderful it feels to kiss him, I never would have waited this long. Our kisses are slow although hurried, our lips searching for the other’s desperately, and somehow perfectly. Years overdue, and it couldn’t feel any more perfect. 
“Fookin’ hell, I jus’ wanna keep kissin’ you, Becks. Dunno if I can stop,” he chuckles, brushing his nose against mine softly. Shockingly, his eyes are even more gorgeous from this view, and I didn’t think that was possible. Evidently, anything is. 
“You don’t have to,” I laugh and he shrugs his shoulders while his eyebrows mimic the expression, his giggle soon vibrating against my tingling lips. 
“We have loads o’ lost time t’ make up fer,” he notes aloud. 
“Yes, we do. A couple years, give or take.”
“Mmmhmm, yer right there, li’l one. Fook, there were so many times I wanted t’ kiss ya ova the years,” he sighs with a sad shake of his head. His dimple is soft under my fingertip, hidden under the warm brunette facial hair. 
“Then kiss me.”
Too soon, his lips leave mine after a short peck, but I press at the back of his curls and envelope his laugh with my lips. My name falls from him in a delighted whisper before one more kiss. Our laughs grow louder only to be muffled, although weakly, when a figure walks by into their nearby apartment. My face runs to the crook of his neck, my very favorite song dancing along my ears as he holds me against him. 
“Nothing to see here, sir,” I joke, and the warmth filling my insides grows at the sound of his happiness. 
“No, I rememba I got tha first handhold that night we went out fer drinks tha first time. Tha night with tha Purple Hazes and all those shots,” Harry insists from above me, and I give him the funniest look when I come out of hiding. 
“You’re still going on about that?” I ask in near disbelief, watching his curls move when he nods his head, dipping to meet my lips with his for a slow kiss. 
“I don’t want this night to end,” I hum against the strawberry color of his decadent mouth. 
“Neither do I, Becks. ‘ve been waitin’ fer it fer so long,” he agrees, the wispiness of his eyelashes ghostlike against my forehead. 
“It’s getting late, and Skye is probably dying to hear how tonight went.”
“Ya betta go and tell tha poor girl then,” he responds, pulling my eyes towards his that sit just a moment away, sending all of the sunshine in my direction. 
“That’s okay?”
“‘Course. I may or may not ring Myles on tha way home t’ tell him all ‘bout it,” he shrugs with a telling lilt to his sing-song voice. The only sound that leaves my lips is an amused laugh that he echoes, and I know that he feels the same way.
At last, I know after over two years that he feels the same way, through and through. 
“We’ll figure out sumthin’ fer this weekend t’getha, sound good?”
“Yeah, sounds great, Harry,” I agree slowly and he nods ever so slightly, leaving kisses starting from my temple and down my cheek. 
“G’night, bug.”
“Night, Harry. Drive careful,” I tell him and once again, he answers me with a nod. 
“I promise, babe.”
“Goodnight,” I almost whisper, the very last breath of the word stolen away by his lips. I wouldn’t want it any other way, I barely am able to think as his lips massage mine between his. His neck is fiery beneath my palms and I’m sure mine is likened to it underneath his fingertips, surges of electricity passing below my skin. The skin is balmy against my blushing cheek when my arms come around his middle, surprising us both with a long hug, before I pull away first. 
“Night, my Becks,” he murmurs against my lips, a shiver running down my spine when he leaves with a final squeeze to my hand. If that didn’t do it, the song flowing from his humming lips sparks memories behind my eyes, but I still can’t figure out where it’s from. But, I know that I have plenty of time to figure it out, and to get all of the kisses that I want from him. 
Fucking finally.
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edo-vivendum · 7 years ago
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6.1.18 finally talked to a dietitian (sort of)
Trigger warning for ED stuff & vague calorie mentions, no specific numbers but its easy to make a guess of what sort of range I’m referring to. 
OK, so as it’s probably been pretty apparent, I’ve been doing pretty dreadful lately. I’ve been in IOP approximately two weeks now, and until a few hours ago, I still hadn’t spoken to a dietitian. 
Well, I went to meet M, and while I was meeting her, the dietitian, E, called. TBH I thought she was just going to make an appointment with me, but it ended up being more of a sort of evaluation via phone call. I’m going to attempt to be as undisordered as possible in this post, but I am discussing treatment and meal plan following and other such things, so I am going to put the rest under a read more.
She started by just sort of relaying what she’d already been told by my case manager about how I’m not doing well, my motivation is low, and HLOC has been mentioned but that they wanted to try to keep me in IOP if I can make progress on my own, because “higher level of care would be a step backwards” ...but ok guys someone back me up here or correct me... but if that’s what I need to get back on track then how is that a step backwards? IDK I feel like maybe those were poorly selected words.... but it made me feel even more invalidated about doing so poorly. I don’t feel like a deserve a higher level of care until I’m “sicker”, but of course, that is disordered logic. 
On the contrary, I do feel like that’s what I need rn... but I can’t seem to advocate for myself without being explicitly prompted first... I think I would if I felt like nobody was paying attention... but my disordered ass is like “hmm well if I just keep doing what I’m doing my actions will speak for themselves to get me what I need” but like.... WTF @me WHY would I do that???? I don’t want to be sick forever, and I don’t want to damage my body... but I just feel so resistant to making changes rn ugh. She also used the word “non-compliant” to describe me and said I was “being non-compliant with my meal plan”. And I feel like yeah that’s accurate to a degree... but that word just makes me feel like I’m a disobedient rule-breaker. I am trying. I’m trying to work on my motivation. I’m attentive in group (muuuuuch more so than when I did IOP in 2013). I’m honest (which I wasn’t in 2013.... which is probably why I didn’t end up in hloc in 2013...note that on my blog I claim 2014 as the year I started recovery). Like, I’m admitting to how poorly I’m doing, and I wouldn’t be admitting that if I had no desire to change. I just rlly don’t feel like I can do this on my own right now. (also, in meal groups I AM finishing my meals... even though it takes me forever and every meal I’ve brought she’s deemed insufficient and required me to add something from the kitchen..but I’ve finished those parts of the meal in meal group as well!!) I even drank the stupid Gatorade (which was a gross flavor and calories I didn’t want) they asked me to drink Wednesday without complaining when my pulse was weird.  Ok rant on the word non-compliant is over now....bcos yeah I have other things to say.
SO my phone call today. She asked about my intake, and first she asked about the old meal plan I’d sent my case manager and asked if I’d started meeting said meal plan, and I said no. And she asked if I was trying, and I said “I really don’t think that’s realistic right now” (it’s not, it’s an old meal plan more on it later). Then she asked if I was eating under x00 calories a day, and I said yes almost every day. And then she asked if I was eating under y00 (less than x00), and I said not most days (which is accurate i think there was just one day I was under that). She made some dissatisfied noises and then continued talking like it was OK (why does the ED staff always do this?? loll they know we’re doing bad and they’re concerned and we aren’t stupid we can hear the concern in their voice but then they try super hard to conceal that they’re concerned like ??? just express concern its rlly not that big of a deal if ur voice sounds concerned). OK anyways, she then says that it is unsafe for me to try to follow my meal plan bcos increasing my calories by that much is dangerous but that I should try to increase by 100 or 200 calories over the weekend. She asked if I was experiencing physical effects and I said “like what?” and she said “headaches, lightheaded-ness, dizziness” and I said “yeah” and she was like “all of the above? Molly, you really need to increase your calories ... though I’d rather you not count calories at all... but you need to increase your intake” or something like that and she asked me to download recoveryrecord and add her as a clinician so that she could track my progress over the weekend and notice any patterns and see if I’m making small changes. 
sorry this is super babbly.... my head is fuzzy and my thoughts just sort of pour out.
I need a meal plan that I can at least attempt to follow if I’m going to have any success making progress on my own. bcos her saying it’s not safe for me to follow my meal plan just kinda makes me annoyed. WTF am I supposed to do if it’s not safe for me to follow my meal plan and I need to increase my intake. I mean... obviously I need to eat more. But I feel sort of paralyzed now. don’t eat too much. don’t eat too little. makes my mind think that it’s probably best if I just continue doing what I’m doing without dropping my intake any more....which TBH is what my ED wants to do so even that DOES take some coercing with myself. 
I’m struggling. I do want to be back on track. I do. but I am scared, and paralyzed in my fear. I’m worried about what I’ll have to feel when I’m not restricting, and I don’t want to deal with trauma stuff...or feel trauma stuff. That’s what triggered this relapse anyways. I felt unsafe (suicidal) and withdrawing from myself felt like the safest option. It still does to a certain degree, which is keeping me stuckkkkk.
things are not without logic. it’s just a flawed, flawed logic.
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noheroes-allowed · 4 years ago
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astrology
lol idk anything about astrology but this youtuber I recently found and already love was talking about it so I looked up my birth chart. and it’s actually really accurate even though I know they make descriptions really vague so it seems applicable to you? but I feel like it’s quite true
“Sun in Cancer natives have a strong survival instinct. They are protective of those they care about, and of themselves too. They are often quite reticent about sharing their inner selves to the rest of the world, and are often caught up in reminisce. Cancers have a reputation for moodiness, although this trait is most evident when the Moon is in Cancer. Cancer needs roots. They resist change to an extent, and concern themselves about being secure and safe in most everything they do. Cancers can be quite intrigued by objects with history attached to them -- antiques, photos, souvenirs, and the like. Cancer is a very sensitive sign, and they don't always appreciate it when you are blunt with them. Their reactions to hurt will depend on how thick a shell they have developed. Most Cancers react by withdrawing or retreating. Some have developed an ability to manipulate others to get what they want. They avoid direct confrontations almost as a rule. Cancers are, in fact, quite yielding and soft when you have them in the right mood. They are one of the more hospitable signs of the zodiac. Sure, they can be touchy and indirect, but they are also very dependable, caring souls. Short description: She weighs words carefully and can be tenacious. A calm and discreet nature, tender, thoughtful, sensitive, and impressionable. Possible issues: She is humble, timid, changeable, indecisive, lazy, or over-sensitive. Easily influenced by the family and sometimes manipulative.”
I definitely think I am very protective and caught up in reminisce and moody. also the change part is especially relevant right now and needing to feel secure and having roots. 
“You take pride in your ability to negotiate, and to establish harmony in your relationships. It is important to you to have a partner, as you feel incomplete without one. You are motivated to become well-liked, and you are especially sensitive to rejection. One of the lessons in your life may be to avoid putting harmony and others' opinions of you above your own needs. Use your social skills and seek out peaceful relations with others, but try not to over-identify with your partnerships and the way you are received by others. You may marry someone with a strong personality.”
loooool sensitive to rejection. I think so yeah, particularly with the job stuff last year, it literally ruined me for months. I’m not sure what it means now though in the context of what I did literally two days ago.   
“You are enterprising and have powerful stores of energy that you can draw upon when needed. You respond to problems or challenges with a spirited and enthusiastic confidence that is admirable. You are naturally competitive, and this trait is generally well-received by others simply because it is unforced, unaffected, and sincere. You truly believe in fair play, and you seem to be in love with life. When you are expressing competitiveness and courage, it's easy for others to smile and accept these traits as positive ones rather than being rubbed the wrong way. You have good physical vitality. Although competitive, you are not naturally combative. You may enjoy sports or games that are competitive, but not violent. Breaking the rules of a competitive game is particularly upsetting to you. You are more able than most to control your desires, aggressions, and instincts. You know how to be fair, and you expect others to be fair. As such, sneaky behaviors, uncontrolled impulses, violence, and rage are offensive to you.“
idk if I would say I respond to challenges with confidence lol. I am naturally competitive though but at times I try to tamper that down by pretending I don’t care and giving up early rather than trying with all my effort and losing.
“Endowed with generosity and friendliness, in some ways you appear to be lucky in life. You attract good things with a positive frame of mind and a charitable disposition. Rarely entirely "down and out", you are usually well-received, helpful, and well-informed. You may enjoy travel and have a special affection for foreign places and people. You're generally not very competitive, and for the most part not combative either. As a result, you are usually well-liked. You are usually good-hearted, possessing strong morals and much faith in life and in people. You prefer to find the good in situations and in people. You don't have a lot of patience with those who break the rules, as you generally believe in order, equality, and the law. You usually make good on your promises, and the sincerity you exude can be trusted. Looking on the bright side is your forte--people can turn to you for a pleasing dose of faith and optimism. You are quick to chuckle and can't resist any appeal to your sense of humor. Some people with this aspect are downright jolly. Others are less conspicuous, but their faith in life and willingness to find humor in life are nevertheless obvious.”
in general, I hope this is true. I was really angsty as a teenager but I hope I’ll have a better frame of mind in the future and be good-hearted. I also do think I am quick to chuckle. in 6th grade, the language arts teacher gave out superlatives and mine was like the one who always laughs at jokes.
“She may face conflicts in life due to a projection of character that does not match what is on the inside. Misrepresentation of the self can be frequent. She must strive to understand how others perceive her and work on presenting a more accurate persona to the world, or she will rub people the wrong way or feel unrecognized and misunderstood.”
oops. yeah I’ve definitely rubbed people the wrong way and felt unrecognized/misunderstood. 
“While others may find security and comfort in material things, Moon in Scorpio people seek out emotional intensity. No matter what, there is something very intense about Lunar Scorpios. They are diggers when it comes to the world of emotion--they can see beyond facades and cut right to the core of a person. This ability to "see" what isn't obvious to the rest of the world can be intimidating to others or wildly attractive, depending on the audience. Their deep-seated need for transformation and rebirth can manifest itself in the lives of Lunar Scorpios in different ways. Most have powerful, emotionally intense lives. Some feel like it is beyond their control -- these natives seem to attract emotional upheaval, and their lives appear to consist of plenty of dramatic ups and downs. However, when accepted as an emotional need, rebirth and change doesn't need to be so dramatic and overwhelming. In some way or the other, Moon in Scorpio natives seek out intense experiences. If their lives are regular in any way, there can be an unconscious need to test their own strength and stir up emotional excitement. Self-awareness and acceptance is probably the best way to handle this deep need for emotional drama. Doing things halfway or having meaningless relationships simply doesn't fulfill them. Lunar Scorpios want all or nothing. Moon in Scorpio people often have a strong fear of betrayal. They seek out commitment, and feel the need for a partner to give up something for them. Some will put the people they love through a series of tests, and these are not always conscious. Their apparent suspicion can be trying for the people who love them. However, once committed, Moon in Scorpio people can be the most loyal and protective partners around. Even the shy ones have enormous presence. Their lives are emotion-driven, yet many Moon in Scorpio natives spend a lot of time controlling and mastering their emotions. Their intuition is enormous, although it is sometimes self-serving. Moon in Scorpio people radiate strength. Even in the absence of experience, they seem to "just know" things. It would be difficult to shock or scare away Lunar Scorpios in the face of emotional honesty and power. Some people instinctively want to lean on them, and other less brave folk run a little scared. Lunar Scorpios have exceptional "radar" that allows them to size up a situation--and a person--quickly and expertly. This ability to understand human motivation and nature can be too close for comfort for some, and enormously comforting for others. Many Lunar Scorpios are intelligent and astute. Those that use their enormous powers for intimacy and honesty are the happiest, and they make the most interesting and rewarding friends and lovers. Short description: Courageous, brave, independent, not a fearful nature. A very sensual and progressive person. Potential issues: excesses of pleasures, difficulty letting go.”
omfg. this is me. this is literally me. emotional intensity? cutting right to the core of a person? emotional upheaval? difficulty letting go? I think the third paragraph is generally true for what I want in life. idk was this something I was supposed to learn about myself when I was 18? am I making the mistakes now? 
“Changes of situation. She is frightened of getting old and tends to hark back to the past. Perhaps more strongly influenced by the father. Success often due to help from women. This position of the Moon indicates an emotional need for recognition, popularity, acknowledgement, and achievement. You can be quite charismatic. You are at your emotional best when you lead a structured and responsible life, but it can take time to get there. You may change your goals and ambitions, and/or your profession frequently in an attempt to find the perfect fit. You may worry about living up to your image, or the expectations of your family. Decisions may be too emotionally biased, or you might act on emotional whims far too often. Learning to set your own heartfelt goals is the challenge here, as it is unlikely you will find true happiness if you follow or adopt the expectations of others, which you are especially sensitive to. You can take on a nurturing or managerial role, quickly adapting to trends.“
I am frightened of getting old. I do have a need for achievement and acknowledgement I think. I am not charismatic though. also changing goals and ambitions? is this foreboding what is to come? I don’t think I make decisions based on emotional whims though, like deciding to follow through with cornell from umd was the most logical decision I made that wrecked me emotionally for months after. I do think learning to set my own heartfelt goals is the challenge I’m facing, not getting caught up in the need for recognition alongside everyone right now. I guess I do follow/adopt the expectations of others then now that I think about it. me following what everyone else is doing and constantly comparing myself to their achievements and superficially wanting people to recognize the company I work for, though I’m trying to separate myself from that now. I think knowing that keith is doing that although to a much larger extent than I am, makes me feel less alone and more encouraged to do so. 
“Because you value harmony, you may find yourself giving in to others too easily, especially in the first half of life. Resentment is possible, as you can feel that you are the one who seems to do all the acquiescing. There can be a distinct tendency to become friends (and lovers) with people too readily, simply because there is a strong need for approval and a hunger for receiving affection. As such, you may get involved with people who seem to really like you, and you fail to consider whether you actually like them back! It's somewhat of a weakness, as you are very charmed by the idea that someone seems to really like and appreciate you. Generally, one of your life's lessons is to learn to discriminate more and to get in touch with what you truly want and need. The functions of the Moon (which rules the emotions and feelings, amongst other things) and the functions of Venus (which rules social relationships, harmony, and partnership, amongst other things) are at cross-purposes. When you attempt to feed the needs of one function, it is often at the expense of the other, until you find some sort of balance. This can play out in a variety of ways. For example, there can be conflicts in partnerships about parenting or whether or not to have a family. You may find yourself compromising your own emotional needs in order to find and keep love. Peace and harmony are important to you--perhaps too much so, as you can easily be taken advantage of. Insecurity is something that you need to deal with at some point in your life. Very sensual, you sometimes replace love with food or shopping! You can also be quite sexually active and sometimes quite lustful. You possess a distinct lazy streak. You are capable of working hard, but you truly appreciate luxuriating and enjoying as many pleasures as possible, and self-discipline simply isn't always at your disposal! While she is usually sweet and gracious, she can also be inconstant and capricious at times, possessing a changeable nature. A varied love life, ups and downs, unusual ideas.“
hm I feel like this isn’t quite true. I don’t think I get involved with people who seem to really like me and fail to consider if I actually like them back? I am charmed by the idea of someone liking me though. also it may be a little true that I need to get in touch with what I truly want and need bc I had a really hard time determining what I wanted from keith, and I was trying to understand first before saying anything bc if what I wanted wasn’t even anything romantic than there was no need to tell him. I just had a lot of difficulty differentiating platonic/romantic wants and needs? and I’m not sure if me being so fine right now means that I didn’t even want the romantic parts deep down, and I still can’t quite answer the question of what I wanted from him. “insecurity is something that you need to deal with at some point in life.” “sometimes replace love with food or shopping.” uhhhhhhhh 
“When the Moon is in hard aspect to Saturn in the natal chart, natives need to learn to trust others more. Fear keeps them from fully enjoying personal relationships, and fear is behind the occasional rigidity that they express. When they let themselves receive nurture or care from others, an inner voice cautions them that it might not be sincere, long-lasting, or enough! There can be some reluctance about becoming a parent, but once taken on, these people don't take their responsibility lightly. Emotional reticence is the main theme of these aspects. Many people with this aspect had a lot of conditions placed on the love they received in early childhood. They tend to expect the same later in life. With hard Saturn aspects, individuals are often plagued with doubts, not only about the self but about what to expect from life itself. The problem is that expecting difficulties or negative situations creates an aura around them that perpetuates the problem. They must work hard at positive thinking and expecting more from life. Ironically, many people with hard Saturn aspects can be quite sarcastic, skeptical, and rigid in manner. This is essentially a defense mechanism designed to protect themselves from harshness in the world. It is extremely likely that they feel neglected because they perceive it in the first place, and later expect it, to be the case. There's a vicious circle going on here that can only be broken when the patterns created by negative conditioning are broken. Adjusting one's perceptions and expectations is the key to breaking out of these negative patterns. Otherwise, natives of hard Moon-Saturn aspects will live life feeling left out--attracting circumstances that perpetuate a feeling of deep unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
Short description: She has changeable moods, a reserved character, can be stubborn and may lack assurance. Her relationship with a guardian may have been difficult or a challenging early family life in some cases.
She may at times suffer from an almost feverish, non-constructive restlessness. She is too susceptible. Her life can be full of change or the emotions are often in a state of flux. Also, frequent changes of mind. She is irritable and stubborn at times due to an inner restlessness that is hard to satisfy. She can have difficulty concentrating on a job, although is capable of much if allowed to move from task to task to alleviate extreme boredom with routine. Nervous strain. Her friendships may be like her professional and love life - sometimes unstable or erratic. There is a strong need for closeness, but when people get too close, she can get cagey, as she values personal freedom just as much.”
I feel called out. the first sentence of the short description cannot be more true.
“She communicates with feeling, endearing others with words. She is reflective and has one of the best memories around. She feels people out and can be quick to pick up emotions and moods. She is discerning and full of insight, lucid, and thinks things through. She likes to please and to create a good impression. There can be a strong tendency to be influenced by those around her.
May avoid at all costs being alone. She has lots of friends, enjoying discussions and similarly cultivating plenty of work friends. She loves to write. You have a great love of debate, if only to get closer to your own thoughts and opinions. Bouncing ideas off others helps you to make a decision, although coming to definite conclusions can be painfully difficult for you. You see the other side of the coin. You might often play devil's advocate. Communication with a partner is craved, and you also love an audience for your own thoughts and opinions, but preferably a one-person audience, as you come alive verbally when it's one-on-one. You can be quite skilled at keeping a partnership animated and alive with interesting tidbits, new ideas, and stimulating conversation. You can easily become bored in partnership if the lines of communication go down, even temporarily. You might also love to talk about and analyze relationships and marriage.”
omg. reflective and best memories around and feels people out and thinks things through and get closer to my own thoughts and come alive verbally one-on-one and analyze relationships. wow. avoiding all costs being alone though? I don’t think so.
“While her spirit is lively, it is also cunning. She often acts without thinking, she often throws herself into things and can often exaggerate or can have a strong sense of drama - and this can bring certain problems. She is nervous and sometimes irascible. She can develop others' ideas -- while others hesitate, she is quicker to jump in, pressing on. Quick to debate, challenge. Quick-minded.
She is frivolous and imprudent at times. She may lack judgement, and may be full of self-importance. She can have difficulty realizing her plans largely because she lacks clarity and she often overshoots.
She misjudges, but very imaginative. She lets things happen, and is happy to stay in her dreamworld. Confronted by reality, she is hesitant, anxious about being tested and can fall back into her imaginary world.
Can be provocative in speech or communications, persuasive, interesting conversationalist, quick to see the flaws of a situation.
She has no specific aim in life. She might frequently change jobs or might bore easily, needing variety to keep interest in something, may be inconstant but likes change which gives her the feeling of living intensely. Lots of activity as far as love is concerned - she may enjoy a full sex life.”
hm lots of contradictions here
“When Venus in Leo people are in love, they are proud, even boastful. This position of Venus can turn humble Virgo Suns or retiring Cancer Suns into somewhat demanding lovers. Venus in Leo loves to court and be courted, and they need to feel very special. They are warm, generous, and even grand. Though really quite loyal to their partners (remember that love is THE most important thing in Leo's life), they thrive on attention from lovers or love interests. Be prepared for their displays: they will tell you about any advances made on them. Remember, they're just showing off to you, and it's likely harmless. It's a different story if you do the same, however. That's when you'll hear the lion roar...and, no doubt, you'll want to keep these cats purring. Venus in Leo wants to appear experienced in love, even if they have little or no experience whatsoever! Venus in Leo people have high expectations, but once you know that these expectations revolve only around how much attention you are giving them, you'll see that they are really quite big-hearted about most everything else. They are threatened by a relationship that appears to have settled too much, or one that's lost its spark. They are also threatened by indifferent or impersonal behavior on your part. Although their needs for physical expression through sex are generally quite strong, their need for love is perhaps even stronger. It is hard for Venus in Leo people to separate love and sex, and even their most erotic fantasies are infused with love and affection. For this reason, few Venus in Leo folk would last long in a relationship that is mostly sexual. On the flip side, they may last longer in a love-only relationship in the absence of satisfying sex, but they are unlikely to feel very satisfied.
Pleasing Venus in Leo involves paying loads of attention to them. If you're willing to make only one adjustment in your ways, it should be to remind Leo how wonderful they are. Respect and appreciate them, always. Put up with their childlike moments and their tall tales. They want to be seen as attractive by you, so avoid (at all costs!) putting them down in this area. They actually lose interest when they perceive the slightest loss of interest in their partner, and you can expect that any letdown will be acted out in a dramatic fashion. Remind them, in a gentle way, that your emotions count too. If you are feeling a little jealous, let them know. Remember, to Venus in Leo, your small jealousies are affirmations that you find them attractive and expect the rest of the world to as well. Let them decide where to go on a date, and let them pay too. When Venus in Leo feels loved and appreciated, they reward you with loyalty, a big sense of fun, and plenty of physical expressions of their love.
Short description: Sincere, frank, and warm affections. She is full of tenderness. High hopes in love. She likes to live and satisfy her passions to the fullest. Can be possessive and might even seduce for the sake of seducing to prove to herself that she is attractive. Very proud in love, and warm-hearted and generous with loved ones.”
“Not frightened by the unknown. Sometimes this position means she has a peaceful and happy or natural end of life. Possible inheritance. Intensity is what you seek in your love relationships, so that casual encounters are not necessarily your game. You are easily bored with mechanical interactions between partners, and might prefer drama in your relationships to anything mundane or superficial. However, you also fear being vulnerable in love, and, in youth, you may control your emotions in love. Fears of being betrayed may be at the heart of your somewhat jealous and possessive nature in love. When you give yourself over to love, you love wholeheartedly and expect all-consuming, total devotion and attention in return. You find passion a healing force in your life. Your charm runs deep--just below the surface. You are attracted to all that is taboo, hidden, forbidden, and find beauty in the broken, disenchanted, obsessed, and passionate. In some cases, people with this position might make a business out of love, romance, and eroticism. There is an intensity about you that others pick up readily. Either they run or they are completely intrigued!”
“She is hard or reserved at times, and doesn't always know how to express her emotions. She may be frightened of showing her love, and this can lead to disappointments, break-ups, lack of satisfaction. She has doubts, can be suspicious, worries too much, possibly jealous but more likely insecure. She will learn how to be happy in love, to be at ease with herself and to control her jealousy or gain more assurance and sense of self-worth in the second half of her life, possibly thanks to a mature person, who helps her learn to trust.
She may look for new sensations in love and might often feel unsatisfied by connections that quickly turn into purely conventional relationships. She likes novelty, adventure, the eccentric. She is frivolous, unstable, or inconstant. Marriage is not usually for her and, if she does throw herself into this adventure, it may eventually be considered a youthful mistake. There can be numerous love affairs or off-and-on relationships. There is a tendency to react spontaneously and intensely to others, and there is marked emotional impulsiveness. Perhaps her most successful relationships are unconventional ones. She may delight in defying convention. She has considerable romantic charm and humor. There can be sudden relationship status changes, and a marked inner craving for emotional excitement.
This aspect indicates diplomacy and attractiveness. There is a certain luck in meeting others at the right times. There is skill in harmonizing and much desire to cooperate rather than compete.”
“Mars in Libra natives often reflect about things before they act. Decisiveness is not their strong point, but they do, eventually, get things done. Many people with this position procrastinate, generally because they feel the need to weigh all of the alternatives before taking action. Life isn't always fair, as Mars in Scorpio would say, but Mars in Libra will seldom accept this notion. These natives can easily get caught up in defending themselves and others. Although their overall goal is to live peacefully, they stir others up with their desire to balance everything. Still, they always play innocent when they are challenged, and can generally charm the birds out of the trees to win your favor. Passive-aggressiveness is practically the hallmark of this position. They don't want to look like they are ever being mean or unfair, but aggression has to go somewhere! Too often, this results in sneaky behavior and subterfuge. On the other hand, some Mars in Libra people turn the Mars energy into action, and they fight for Libran justice and fairness in the world. On the up side, Mars in Libra people are adept at predicting when problems and discord will occur well in advance. They know how to compromise and are excellent at conflict management.
She devotes lots of energy to work, and this can continue well into old age. She is a dedicated worker, not afraid of getting down to it. She improves upon her living conditions, rising above her station at birth. She can complete long-term tasks successfully and with finesse. She is easily excitable, often quick to become upset and in the same vein criticizes even herself.
She often refuses to accept any guidance. She can sometimes lack forethought, acting impulsively and sometimes imprudently, which can cause problems. She wants everything yesterday and might use whatever means necessary to achieve her objectives, even if questionable. Her emotional life can be fraught with quarrels and or conflicts due to quick, passionate reactions. She can be very enthusiastic and hopeful.    
She has a good sense of organization. She knows how to make the necessary decisions rapidly, she is independent but will pour a lot of her energy into achieving social and professional success.”
“She attracts the most good fortune when taking the lead, initiating, inspiring, and demonstrating enthusiasm and courage. She believes in the power of positivity, that life is what you make of it. Likes competition, doing things independently.
She likes and believes in justice. She is an optimist and is generous. Professional success is rapid and helped by the family. Family life is very important to her. She likes comfort, well-being at home. She knows how to entertain in style and above all with pleasure; her house is always open to friends.
She is easily influenced. She is a dreamer, perhaps allowing herself to be seduced by others' fine words which are not always sincere or by a new imagined plan that may not materialize. She does not see wickedness right away, preferring to give the benefit of the doubt, but can often be duped by others due to a philosophy that one should trust in people until they prove themselves untrustworthy. She likes meeting friends, enjoying a good meal and cordial atmospheres. She is pleasant, jovial, and engaging. She aims big and may often be disappointed with small advancements or successes, wishing that these were bigger or better. She may bring every conversation around to herself, which is a tendency that should be kept in check. She has highs and lows in her professional life.”
“She doesn't like to see greed or waste in others. Must not shun materialism and possessiveness completely, and learn to build up a sense of being "deserving" of some pleasures in life.
She may often feel dominated. She has a good sense of organization and accepts her responsibilities. She achieves her objectives in spite of slow progress, with some hurdles to overcome. She is persevering and patient, very stable. She does not like routine, whether at work or in her emotional life. She fights to keep her independence, her freedom of action. She would gladly re-make the world.
She has a lot of flair. She can be unreliable, inconsistent, or erratic at work, always ready for change, although with some changes in routines and dedication, can do brilliant work. She may do best with an out-of-the-ordinary job, in which case all goes well: otherwise, she might often change jobs and or financial ups and downs. She must have a job that allows her many freedoms, something non-routine. She likes change, possesses a lot of energy and knows how to influence others in spite of her originality.”
“Generosity, especially enjoying resolving problems in order to satisfy everyone.
She is intuitive, sensitive. Not a fighter and can be indecisive. Usually projects an image of softness. May have some identity problems until she decides on a more spiritual or artistic path. May be psychic or simply strongly intuitive. Gentle and yielding. Changeable appearance or image, particularly if Neptune is close to the Ascendant. She is perceptive and able to see layers to a situation. She is naturally drawn to learning what makes herself and others tick.
Love can dominate her life. She lives her love life to the fullest, and can be very passionate. Her partner may have problems on the professional level, but she is always there to give support. If the partner loses their job and their rhythm of life has to change, she accepts this. She is a lover, and faithful - the most important thing is that they love each other.”
“Great aspirations: sexuality and love are idealized. She may lead a double life. She may have a secret love affair while having a good relationship with her partner. Most with this aspect, however, are highly perceptive and can keep a secret. Alternative views of relationships are likely.”
“She may have felt uncomfortable or even ashamed for her curiosity, questions, restlessness, the need to challenge and question life/facts/beliefs, or the need to get away, expand, and seek meaning. She may feel uncomfortable around people who are expressing these Sagittarian traits, not quite trusting them! Learning to accept and even embrace these traits without apology can be empowering. It can also help end a cycle of going to extremes with these traits.
She can be a friend to many but may stumble a little when things get too personal. Her path is to embrace her individuality and to allow herself to be the center of attention or to strike out on a unique creative path. She is learning to be more personal and less intellectual when expressing her feelings. Qualities to develop: Intimacy, sharing, self-expression. She should watch for holding too tightly to her ways and things for fear of change, as this can limit her and her opportunities. Qualities to develop: sharing, intimacy, willingness to go deep.”
“House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life. Cancer with ascendant Sagittarius Ascendant is Sagittarius The world is filled with adventure, new things to experience, and, most of all, hope, with this Ascendant. There is an unmistakable faith and enthusiasm with Sagittarius rising people. Grand schemes, big promises, and a willingness to explore and experiment are themes, although follow-through is not a strong characteristic of Sagittarius. These individuals are somewhat restless and often active people. They always seem to be looking for something that is just out of grasp -- and many do this their entire lives. They can be quite direct at times, yet they are likable enough to forgive for their faux-pas. Most have a lot to say and offer. Their insights and opinions are usually interesting and exciting, although sometimes lacking in details. Sagittarius rising people have opinions about everything, and they just love telling others exactly what they are. Not all people with this position are outgoing folk, but they all have a way of moving about that at least exudes a certain level of confidence. Some might even call them naive or overly optimistic. Even the quiet ones don't shrink from life and from experience. One of the most obvious and endearing traits of Sagittarius rising is their willingness to keep up a sense of humor. Even when they're feeling low, they manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever they do have. The placement of Sagittarius' ruling planet, Jupiter, will give more clues to how they go about expressing themselves. Jupiter in Capricorn, for example, might give a more sarcastic approach, but underneath there lies an unmistakable hope and spirit for living. House II - the second house - is the area of material security and values. It rules money and personal finances, sense of self-worth and basic values, personal possessions. Aquarius on House II Success in professional life won't take place without the help of friends and protectors. While she may earn enormous amounts, she can lose almost as much. Best financial success through networking with others. Might succeed in business on the internet. Most profitable businesses may be unusual or innovative ones. Efforts should be made to better organize finances. House III - the third house - is the area of social and intellectual learning. Pisces on House III Ideas are somewhat changeable, and her humor as well. Travel, sea voyages or work connected with the sea. House IV - the fourth house - is the area of home, family, roots, and deep emotions/sense of self-worth. Aries on House IV Lots of authority within the family. She knows how to take the destiny of the family in hand, to take charge. She is very energetic, very strong, knowing how to cope with life's setbacks. House V - the fifth house - is the area of creative self-expression, romance, entertainment, children, and gambling. Taurus on House V A pleasant home, a charming partner, loving and sweet children, nice little meals, pleasant evenings with the loved one -- the good life. House VI - the sixth house - is the area of learning by material transaction. Gemini on House VI Good assistant, sales rep, jack of all trades. Weak point: the nerves, sometimes also the lungs. House VII - the seventh house - is the area of one-to-one relationships such as marriage and partnership, and of social and intellectual action. Gemini on House VII Can marry or partner quite young. A second partnership may have less passion but a lot of friendship. Can be frightened of living alone in old age. She may prefer others do the talking much of the time. House VIII - the eighth house - is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul. Leo on House VIII She should probably watch for a tendency to want to control joint resources, but she can be generous with others. Proud. It's wise to have regular check-ups on the heart and arteries. House IX - the ninth house - is the area of learning that shapes the identity. Virgo on House IX She is devoted to all causes that bring comfort or help to people in difficulty. House X - the tenth house - is the area of material action. The Midheaven represents the work one will do in one's life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older. Libra on House X Contacts of all kinds will lead to social success, professional, through marriage, etc. She likes society life, friendships that could help professionally. Sometimes jobs connected with justice, but frequently involved with important and influential people. House XI - the eleventh house - is the area of search for social and intellectual security. Scorpio on House XI She likes to debate endlessly with friends who don't share her ideas. The discussion can lead to words or even verbal sparring. House XII - the twelfth house - is the area of education and of emotion. This is where we meet our karma, deal with endings, and sometimes where we bury things. Sagittarius on House XII Problems abroad, or with foreigners, or flight abroad, exile is possible in extreme cases.”
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