#idk how i feel abt this but i cant stare at it anymore lmao

[morning]

OH , I PREFER IT IN YOUR BED , TELEVISION SET ...

( @nottivaghe​ )

[imraespace]

THANKYOU POOKIE FOR SAYING MY PERSONALITY IS SWEET like genuinely thats rhe first person who has ever complimented my personality ☹️ everyone lowk hates me irl over weird things like my bad i like anime i swear im not a weirdo

this one guy i used to like last year (i dont like him anymore hes.. strange) approached me at my desk like literallt 30 mins ago and idk how to feel BC IVE BEEN AVOIDING HIM RECENTLY BC I CANT DEAL W PEOPLE WHO CONSTANTLY ONLY TALK ABOUT SCHOOL LIKE DO U HAVE ANY OTHER INTERESTS OTHER THAN A GRADE ON A PAPER 💔💔 and fun fact he actually forced me to confess to him so thats kinda iffy so i dont even wanna really talk to him but he said we would stay friends..

i have a massive stomach ache rn and im waiting for my bus its so doomed ..

- 🐙

YWWW POPO LMAO AW ppl should compliment you more 🙄 ppl just stare at me irl bc I'm quiet but in my mind I mark them and bad talk them but on the outside I'm a kind individual!!

HELP I HATW THAT I RELATE SM it had this guy who I liked but idk WHAT I SAW BC WHEN I GOT A GOOD LOOK AT HIM I WAS LIKE dang he's... ugly.. (be nice guys) BUT I MEAN IT I STARTED TO QUESTION MYSELF AND EAS LIKE thank goodness he had a gf at the end I confessed and then he wanted fi be friends so I PUT IN EFFORT TO BE FRIENDS but that stupid b word woukd stare at me irl and walk away like OKAY so I DID THE SAME BC IM NOT GONNA RUN BEHIND A boy🙄🙄 and then he said I should hug him irl🤨 like whatg I gave him one ig.. and everyone stared at us THEN I ghosted him bc he ignored me irl so then he texted me on discord and started calling me cute so I um left him on read and in school he would stare at me but I always looked away! now he's gone and I'm happy

IKR TALK ABT SOMETHIJG ELSE TALK TO ME ABT SCHOOL IF WE'RE PARTNERS IN A CLASS ANS WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER

nar he forced you.. weirdo..

LMAO I hope you survive your stomach ache

[ja3yun]

okkayyyyyy we're starting off the chapter STRONG. icb they're going at it like rabbits but then again this is hoonyn we're talking about 🤕🤕 LOVE LOVE LOVE YN FOR FINALLY PUTTING HERSELF FIRST?.!:!/! YOU GO BABY GIRL!!!! get that D 😋 & ofc they arent following the rules they set 🤣🤣 wbk tho they're too down bad for eo to actually follow their rules & hoon constantly saying words of affirmation and basically just showering yn w love 🥰 oh we love to see that!

ugh theyre just so cute 🥹 why did have to keep her feelings in check 🤕 went out for dinner 3 nights ago? THAT WAS 3 NIGHTS AGO BBGIRL in fact you should hang out w hoon everyday 🥰🥰 24/7 🤍🤍 FUCK FUCK FUCK SHE ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED TO GO TO HER AWARD CEREMONY FUCKKKKKK WE CHEERED!:!/'sbs I SCREAMED 😝😝😝😝😝 and he REALLY SAID FK HIS PLANS he's going to her award ceremony instead GET U A MAN LIKE THATTT and then he KISSED HER AND THANKED HER FOR LETTING HIM BE A PART OF HER LIFE?!;!:!/ FAWKKK SOMEONE HOLDME I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEY R EVERYTHING TO ME!!!!! 😫😫😫😫😫 they r so soft so attached so astronomically down bad for each other i love that for them i want need them to always be this happy together 🙏🏻🙏🏻 and ofc she's gna give him a blowjob 😋

HER CONTACT NAME FOR HOON OMFG?:!/!/! not rina seeing right through them the moment she sees them interact ☠️☠️☠️ no bc mp!hoon is a literal DREAM guy like he may not be the biggest fan of rina bc of that incident but he's willing to set it aside and be at least neutral w her for yn? that is something not everyone can do and what more that hoonyn arent even tgt tgt 🫣 HE SAVED ADDRESSES ASSOCIATED W HER IN HIS GPS?:!:!/ yeap im gone. u lost me. this is my 192837293 time screaming abt them but how can i not when theyre literally that in love w each other 😭😭😭

everytime minhee becomes the sweetest & most caring older brother for yn i get why she tries to keep some distance w hoon and why she feels guilty but i also wish she'd just fk it for once and live HER life 🥺

i love it whenever hoon calls yn baby and esp sweets it rly cld be just me but its the sweetest thing ever 🥹 HE'S SO ENDEARING CHEERING FOR HER LIKE THAT UGH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH (as ive already said for the 1937263783 time 🤕) STOP FIRST THEY TAKE THE CUTEST PHOTOS TOGETHER AND THEN THEY SAID F THE NO LABELS?:!:!: i used to PRAY for moments like this THEYRE FINALLY TGT TGT 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 though its hush hush but a win is still a WIN 🏆

the "are you gonna stare or are you gonna fuck your girlfriend" is a crazy ass thing to say & hoon is stronger than me bc if i were a guy and i were hoon id nut right then and there. sorry not sorry 🤕 AND THEN SHE PROCEEDS TO LET HIM HIT HER RAW TO FURTHER THEIR CONNECTION?/!:&/ when ure in a which couple is most in love with each other competition and hoonyn r ur competitors. theyre immediately taking the crown soz i dont make the rules 🏆🏆🏆🏆 & then their confession to each other after everything >>>>

aj i get what u mean now this chapter is my favourite as well omfg. I JUST LOVE HOW U PORTRAY HOONYN LIKE 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍 they fit each other perfectly like puzzle pieces 🧩 literally made for each other 😫😫😫 I LOVE HOW U GAVE US AN ENTIRE CHAPTER OF JUST HOONYN FLUFF AND SMUT LIKE THANK YOU FOR UR SERVICE <33333 i really love melting point sososososoooo much i feel like i can never thank u enough for sharing this masterpiece with us all i always look forward to fridays so i can catch the new update 😆😆 but im also lowkey scared for the upcoming chapters bc idk how minhee will react when he finds out? or when yn confesses? but i know hoon will be w her no matter what so its all good 😫🙏🏻

happy weekend <3 sorry if i yap too much i get excited whenever i read a fic that is long and HITS HARD

starting off the chapter with a sex scene was a risk i was willing to take icl. if i was yn i would also be fucking hoon any chance i got, i think it's realistic lmao.

sunghoon is the standard now when it comes to men bc he literally lays the world at her feet and i'll accept nothing less now 😮‍💨 i'm so happy they're finally together like i felt like it came around so fast but also not fast enough.

thank you so much for reading and coming to talk to me about it! i love when i can see people truly enjoying the fic, i'm super glad you are! ilysm and i cant wait for you to resd next week <3

[wewfimapuppie]

idk if i am protecting myself in any way here. but this is my final log.

i am going to have to take the message at face value. i saw the wkrd frighgebed and scared and idk how he perceived what i was doing. i felt like fuck it yknow i might be wrong but this is how its going for me. i felt it was the best thing to do? idk i def said weird shit.

theres no way around it this time. i went manic. i lost my shit. i imagined all that. i scared him.

to me it felt so real dude. so real. it felt like crazg things were happening to me. and i dont have a good support system so idk haha. i hated taking pills. i felt so awful. so i just wanna rely on God for now. and therapy. i'll find a way.

i'll also lay low. wear a black face mask. sunglasses. black beanie. on my way to work and way out. no one will know its me. i'll change and wear a dif sweater and bring a dif jacket yknow i even wanna dye my tips orange like. i feel so embarrassed and i dont wanna see him or have amyone that knows see me. im hiding. im scared. im disappearing. i will just work, head to Tijuana, get uber eats on fridays and some white claws or adjacent when we get comfy. and we dont talk to anyone except maricruz and our coworkwers yknow. stay vigiliant. i rather you dont talk to anyone anymore. we can make friends some other way.

i rather we focus on paying off our debt. and we drop this. we are at a point where we are questioning a text he sent us. we cant do that......

i rather like i said, we lay low, no attention towards ourselves and we wear a mask and domt do shows we are an online act idk. i wanted to be like yahoo lets do shkws z and this happened instead? i went manic? so idk i need to just dont interact w ppl like natasha i look stupid and crazy i have no supplrt to tell me um this is mania.

i can still paint, i can still sell, i can still make music even. but i cant expand or be public in san diego nah nope. i dont ever wanna see him or anyone. this is embarrassssing dude.

lets jjst keep it simple. food. paint. youtube. spotify. cookies and weed. some alcohol. lets just chill yknow? like back to the status quo? but this time we start fresh i guess. but for rn i rather be alone lmao. i feel cringe.

hopefully i can just focus on the job and getting my life together. thats all i can do. ni modo yknow? what else can i do? stay stuck on this? lets just move on. and focus on keeping ourselves afloat. safe. we will be okay. i still want to pray.

the last thing i'll say though is idk why he said that he blocked me bc i sent him noods when

1. he hearted them

2. he djdnt blkck me

3. i blocked him that time

4. i didnt sent him noods this time?

also i specifically have not mentioned his name jjst ryan and my complaints are like... justified?

so my theories on that is...

1. that... wasnt him...

2. he is like.... a psychopath and it isnt even me!! to twist it. make me feel like i went crazy??

3. hes saying a lie to cover why he really blocked me and its i seem crazy.

its just weird he said 2 wrong things. that i ever falked shit abt him and that i sent nudes now kr that he bloxked me when i did it 3 years ago? like he has reason to say jt was fhe Gkd stuff....

he also just ignored anything i said. about the holy ghost stuff. he didnt talk about God at all. the message was like in broken english it was weird. maybe he was scared? but why say a lie ljke that? when i felt its either im crazy or im...on to something. .

and why did he unblock me at all? to warn me or settle it? its still weird to ignore my one accusation. bro. whats with the staring.

but idk its weird like its enough where theyd know what happened. the email. the calling. ryan. the other subtle ways of contact.

so idk i think he couldnt say its bc you seem crazy and he gave you that reason as to why he blocked you even if it doesnt make sense. eventually we're gonna have to accept this is his response. idk abt what he knows abt me and ryan but i know he knows that unsolicited nudes thing is whack bc be liked them and he never blocked me i blocked him... so wtf.

i hate that this wasnt to me, a proper response. like ok i was frightening shit. but wait ur saying u blocked me? nah u blocked me now. no njdes. so idk what to make of this response. to believe it? theres an incorrect factoid.... that isnt it. so shit what now? now that is what will drive me crazy is saying that shit when that didnt happen.

thags what makes me think maybe he was a... cooky guy. bc hes lying. hes manipulating the situation. he didnt explaim himself. just said i was scary and a lie.

idk what it is at this point. him. me? what are the next steps? well... i rather we pretend it didnt happen. im never contacting him or seeing him. im leaving him alone. i dont want to make it worse. i can find "normal" love like tanner. no celestial shit. just hey we fit.... i wish it was normal. i'll pray for it.

but we forget him Riv.... he's gone. whatever it is you thought... his response, whether you believe it or not, could be his real response. and theres signs that your perspective is skewed. and this is it.

i know the nudes thjng sticks out to you Riv. but what are you supposed to do with that suspicion? i cant go see him and be like "was that really you?" like shiiiit no. so now what?

that is why i wanna tell you this; i need to feed you and pay your debt so im getting u a job. but i will also tell you this; if its meant to be it will be. if that isnt him, the real him will appear. but if not, you have more to live for

so. we forget any of this ever happened. we are in incognito mode. we keep it chill. focus on your mental health.

start working. start forgetting. get good at hiding. keep it simple. we can walk away from this bruv. who says we need to acknlowledge this happened? im dropping thjs. even the lie. it could be a cover up to a harsher feeling. we was nice enough to wish me good health....

i will be w say sd and just surviving. this is my last zane log tbh. for my safety and wellbeing.

[rint4rous]

hogwarts au! oikawa

a/n: wrote this with a bad headache LMAO so if you see mistakes no you didnt <3

yeah help

anyway

oikawa toru

sixth year slytherin

captain of slytherin quidditch team

this one. very popular with the girls.

always gets gifts and confessed to, he turns them all down nicely tho

he flirts with them a little but never goes out with anyone

thanks but no thanks, hes focusing on quidditch

mostly hangs out with hanamaki, matsukawa, and iwaizumi

you, sixth year gryffindor

a chaser for the quidditch team

actually you and oikawa had a bit of a rivalry thing going on

because oikawa was getting good grades AND is good at quidditch

and it doesnt even look like hes trying.

and he lowkey comes off as arrogant sometimes

and youre like i hate geniuses

the two of you met during first year when he tried playfully hitting iwa in the hallway but iwa dodged

and you happen to be speedwalking past and then next thing you know you get slapped???

you stop walking and turn to oikawa

hes like HOLY CRAPDFHJSHJR

“I AM SO SORRY-”

“it’s alright!”

“are you sure??”

“yeah, it was an accident, right? …. unless it wasnt?”

“NO I SWEAR IT WAS AN ACCIDENT”

“i thought so! see you ‘round!”

then you skip away

yeah. yall dont really start competing and shit until you found out your mom and his mom had BEEF??? WHEN THEY WERE IN SCHOOL????

you found that out at the end of first year

“i heard tachibana’s son is in your year. or i guess she’s oikawa now.”

youre like yeah what about it

“my dearest y/n, you’re a smart little girl, okay?”

“so make sure you’re better than that oikawa kid, alright?”

and little innocent you is like “ok”

so start of second year, you study and work extra hard

but here’s perfect little oikawa who always knocks you down to second place

at first youre like. i’ll just work harder!

and he joins quidditch and so do you

so you try hard at that too

you’re not like a sore loser or anything so when slytherin wins you shake his hand with a smile

but by the end of the year you’re just kinda :/ now because you never see him studying or practicing spells so how the fuck is he BETTER THAN YOU AT EVERYTHING!!! ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!

third year you come into school with like not very good feelings abt oikawa

and your mom was on your ass about your grades and you’re like omfggg im TRYING OKAY IM TRYING SO HARD

too bad tho thats when he starts liking you …

middle of third year is when you start expressing those feelings for oikawa out loud

“i hate self-centered geniuses. come back down to earth, will you.”

he heard you say when test results came back

and hes like is she talking abt me? lol nah shes probably talking about stupid ushijima over there

and then he finds out you were in fact talking abt him

hes kinda hurt lol

then when the new term rolls in

and the two of you just start talking shit about each other and start arguing all the time

“what’s the answer, l/n?”

“fairy wings.”

“oh my bad, i didn’t realize she said oikawa, and not l/n.”

“oh sorry, i thought you wouldn’t know the answer so i answered for you! i saved you from embarrassing yourself. you’re welcome~”

your seatmate yaku was holding you down with all his might and HOW IS LITTLE MAN ABLE TO HOLD YOU BACK HIS GRIP IS STRONG BRO

the whole class s ighs here we go AGAIN

the teacher doesnt even bother sending you guys out to hall anymore because this happens so much

you always try to sabotage each other in potions

one time his eyebrows almost burned off after his potion exploded in his face

makki and mattsun like LMFAOWFEHERGUYER

then when the year ends you’re like ranting to your mom like “i hate geniuses. who does he think he is? just because he can beat me at everything?? i’ll show him. i’ll make him eat dirt in the field. i’ll wipe that dumb smirk off his face. i’ll-”

your mom: omg my little baby so full of hate just like her momma

fourth year you’re so determined to beat oikawa at something

he sees you in the library, unprovoked, once and he comes up from behind you like

“aw, is l/n gonna try beating me again this year? you know there’s no point in trying.”

you: hold it in hold it in hold it in YOU’RE MATURE NOW Y/N L/N. YOU SHOULD BE MORE MATURE THAN THIS DIMWIT IN FRONT OF YOU. inhale exhale inhale exhale

“aw, is oikawa gonna try beating ushiwaka in quidditch again this year? you know there’s no point in trying.”

way to be mature

poor oikawa tho you pressed a wrong button so he just leaves silently

you kinda regret it after

so this year goes like the last and so does the next

“arent you tired?? of competing with oikawa all the time??” your friend semi asked you

“kind of”

“then stop?? you dont have to fulfill your mom’s high school revenge lmao”

“ughh eita i know but im too far in”

one time you were out breaking curfew #savage

no but seriously you couldn’t sleep so you thought some fresh air will help, the dorms were super suffocating right now

you were stressed after your mom’s monthly letter

beat oikawa this beat oikawa that

you turn at a corner and you see the man himself, ALSO BREAKING CURFEW

now the both of you are looking at each other like 👁👄👁

“GOD L/N I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TEACHER I NEARLY DIED FROM A HEART ATTACK”

“shush before we both get caught”

“right sorry sorry”

“so what the hell are you doing breaking curfew.”

“what are you doing breaking curfew.”

“i asked you first”

“so?”

“just answer the question, oikawa.”

he looks around, making sure the coast was clear before he motions you over to him and as you walk towards him

you see the door hes standing in front of

he drags you in there and what you see is

a bunch of practice dummies

“yeah i,, practice my spells here at night. contrary to popular belief i’m not a genius like ushiwaka or tobio. i’m flattered you think so, though.”

and youre like he... actually practices?? he is actually human?

“what’s with that look? you wanna join me practice at night?”

“as if-” and then you see the book of spells and you guys aren’t even learning any of this YET. and you are determined not to fall behind oikawa “sure.”

oikawas like pardon?

you: i SAID SURE.

and so now at night you practice spells together

only because you want to beat him as if

the arguing goes down a little because you get caught up in beating each other at who gets to do the spell right first that practice runs super late sometimes and you dont have energy to fight with each other that early

everybodys like ??? huh????

but then you’re back to the usual bs in the afternoon and everybodys like oh okay so the world isnt ending yet

so anyway !! yall are practicing again

you’re pointing your wand at a practice dummy and trying to focus so you dont accidentally do something dumb

"hey why do you hate me so much?”

LITERALLY CATCHES YOU OFF GUARD AND BREAKS YOUR FOCUS

“it’s not because i hit you when we were first years right? it really was an accident i swear-”

“you still remember that?”

“well yeah… because i cant think of any other reason why you don’t like me.”

“um… trying too hard to please my mom, i guess. what about you? why did you try so hard to beat me at everything?” you ask, regaining your focus for the charm

“idk, you never paid attention to me unless i did.”

you scoff, “why? you don’t like me or anything, do you?”

“i do tho??”

he literally said that just before you chanted the spell and you got caught off guard and

“stupefy!”

it almost hits oikawa

oikawa: WHAT DID I DO

you: SHITHEAD DONT SAY THAT WHEN IM ABOUT TO DO SOMETHFIBEFH

“HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN???”

“I DONT KNOW IT WAS FUN COMPETING WITH YOU WHEN WE WERE SECOND YEARS AND IT JUST DID?? I TRIED SO HARD SO I CAN IMPRESS YOU AND I GUESS MY PLAN BACKFIRED BECAUSE I DONT THINK YOU LIKE ME VERY MUCH”

now youre staring at each other and you’re both red

he kinda quiets down “and you’re a better rival than ushijima anyway. i don’t mean any of the stuff i said, i swear. i know you don’t like me but i just needed to let that out or i will go insane.”

and hes just looking down all shy

at this point you actually dont know if you like oikawa or not

i mean??? you spent like 3 years butting heads with this dude

and he liked you the whole time?? hes crazy this man is crazy.

maybe you were just in denial the whole time

because?? you could’ve stopped competing with him at everything

maybe you did enjoy it somehow

he did make your life at school interesting

“let’s go out on a few dates and we’ll see.”

his head just whips up and his eyes like light up and hes so EXCITED

in the time before you officially started dating

you find out from iwaizumi that even tho he smiles at a lot of girls its actually rarely genuine the only girl hes ever seen oikawa smile about genuinely was you

and that his mom actually didnt approve of him playing quidditch at first because he had a bad knee but he pushed for it because he really wanted to

he has like a smug and a flippant demeanor but hes very attentive and super caring !!

hes super passionate and hard working at what he does and

i guess now you finally realize you are falling

it takes five dates until the two of you officially start going out

if you tell third year you that you were dating oikawa she would never believe it but here you are, walking to class with him

when the two of you walked in the classroom talking

like TALKING NORMALLY AND NOT THE USUAL “i will choke you in your sleep” “ooh, kinda k-” “don’t”

it was already sus when the arguing toned down a bit but now that its like. REALLY GONE?? everybody is so confused

LMFAO matsukawa asks like “what happened?? are you guys broken?”

“no???”

“how rude! dearest y/n and i are dating now!”

everybody in this class: see now thats crazy. that is crazy.

makki: maybe we didnt hear him right. say that again oikawa

oikawa: me and y/n are dating.

everybody: oh okay bc we thought you said you and l/n were dat- WAIT SO YOU AND L/N REALLY ARE TOGETHER??? 

you: unfortunately

oikawa: h-hey :((((

everybody: SO WE DONT GOTTA LISTEN TO YALL ARGUE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING??? YOU HAVE TO TREAT THE WHOLE CLASS TO BUTTERBEER I THINK WE DESERVE IT AFTER THESE THREE YEARS OF CONSTANT YELLING

nobody was as SHOCKED as your moms

“y/n, baby, i know i did not just hear you say you’re dating the oikawa kid. repeat that for momma again.”

“i’m dating the oikawa kid.”

like?? MOM THIS WAS TECHNICALLY UR FAULT

“so toru, what did you wanna tell me?”

“i have a girlfriend now! her name is y/n l/n.”

“l/n? surely not THAT l/n’s daughter, right?”

“oh it is that l/n.”

when your families have dinner together for the first time

THE TENSION LMFAO

but they do try hard to get along. they try super hard.

they start getting along because MAN YOU AND OIKAWA WERE SOO CUTE AND THEY WANT YOU TO GET MARRIED AND THEY HAVE TO GET ALONG IF THEY WANT IT TO HAPPEN. THEIR GRANDKIDS ARE GONNA BE SO CUTE!!!

“ma, we haven’t graduated yet-”

your mom, ignoring you: THEYRE GOING TO HAVE THE CUTEST HAIR

oikawa’s mom: AND THEY’RE GOING TO BE SUPER SMART LIKE THEIR PARENTS!

your mom: AND WE’LL BE THE BEST GRANDMAS.

momma oiks: PERIOD!

steals your books from you in the halls so he can carry it for you

you tease each other with pet names and shit???

he’ll try to kiss your cheek in the hall but iwa grabs the back of his robe and pulls him away “you’re gross”

“you’re just jealous iwa!!”

when your houses arent playing each other, he goes to your games and vice versa!

tries to distract you in the field

“hey beautiful”

“toru don’t or i will make iwa knock you off your broom.”

“you're so mean”

so anyways yall r couple goals

"listen well, kindaichi, kunimi, your senior is showing you how to get girls.”

kunimi, without looking up from his book: what are you gonna teach us? accidentally slap the girl and get her to hate you for three years while you secretly pine over her during that time before confessing that you liked her the whole time and you go out on five dates and officially start dating? too much work

oikawa: LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT

[realcube]

TW: Angst, 3 AM thoughts LMAO, breakups, mentions of an Ouija board (tho not actually used cause I'm to scared to use it), heart broken pretty boys, idk what else to put-

Ok so I was up at like 3:33 AM bc I was considering on playing with an Ouija board cuz yk I wanted to summon Freddie Mercury and have a singing battle with him. And then I realized that i needed another person to be able to play so I went back to bed. bUT THEN THOTS WERE BEING THUNK.

So I started thinking of like the introverted and respectful boys of hq (more specifically Sakusa, Akaashi and Tsukishima, maybe even Kageyama?? Lol idk anymore). And so imagine that you are dating one of these boys. These boys particularly stand out to me bc even tho they are shy, they aren't particularly social and they aren't really good at vocalizing their feelings, they are extremely good emotional readers. They can notice when something is off about a person, but they won't really say something about it. With that being said, if you ever try to prank them it really won't work cuz: 1. You won't really get a reaction out of them and 2. They will realize the prank before you even get a chance to make it happen. So in hopes that you can actually get a reaction out of them, you decide to do a breakup prank. I mean, its a simple harmless prank right? You were just gonna tell them as a joke that you wanted to breakup with him, get a reaction from your bf, tell them it was a prank, and just get a good laugh after it. But the thing is, the simple prank turned into something so real. You decided you would do it while walking home from school with them. Out of nowhere you just said to them "I think we should breakup, this isn't working" all while trying to contain your laughter at their faces of shock. You were about to explain that it was a prank, but you were quickly cut off by your bf telling you that "You know I was actually thinking the same thing Y/N, I think it's best that we breakup." You quickly turned to face him to see if they were joking, but when you saw their eyes, the only thing you could see was seriousness and uninterest. You tried telling him that it was just a prank! But the dead serious look in his face told you that what he said was for real and well, yeah. You guys ended up breaking up that night, and while the guys were at their houses thinking that their decision was best for both of you, you were literally crying non-stop regretting everything and questioning yourself over what you might have done for your bf to loose interest in you. Months later after the breakup, you got over them and you were living your best life. Meanwhile, the boys after some self reflection, they realized that all that time they were actually in love with you, but they were scared over the feeling of love. They never actually wanted to breakup, but the new feelings they had back then scared them. And instead of bracing you as they should have, they pushed you away. And now all they can do is stare from a far see you happy as ever hugging your new lover, wondering if they could just travel to the past and tell you how much they love you. But sadly, that will never happen, bc now you were in between the arms of another man. To be more exact, you were currently hugging, kissing and giggling their best friend(oH hOw tHe tAbLeS hAvE tUrnEd) (also LOL for example, you were with tsukki so now you are with yamaguchi, you were with sakusa so now you're with komori, you were with akaashi so now you're with bokuto and you were with Kageyama so now you're with hinata LMAOOO).

OMG SORRY FOR SENDING ANGST LMFAO 😭 BUT THIS HAS BEEN STUCK IN MY HEAD AND I CANT GET IT OUT- ANYWAYS HAVE A GOOD DAY CUBE-CHAN!

-🍦

wait you need two ppl to play on an ouija board? hm, i had no idea..also a singing battle with freddie mercury ?? lemme join ✋😳 ik i said i can’t sing and i’m not exactly a queen stan BUT aggressively singing bohemian rhapsody at a demon in your loft like it’s a spirit repellent chant sounds like a vibe :))

also omg :o I LOVE IT 😭 maybe i am on an angst high but i just- yes. i adore everything abt this. it appeals to all of my taste buds: ‘harmless’ jokes/teasing/pranks gone extremely wrong, pining exes and the trope of breaking up with someone and dating their best friend 🤠👍 

you’re a genius, 🍦anon- ALSO YOU’VE GIVEN ME THE IDEA TO WRITE SOME OUIJA BOARD SCENARIOS WITH SOME OF THE HQ CHARACTERS ( •̀ ω •́ )✧   THANK YOU !!! also, in the words of that one girl who did a mukbang in her car, [you] have the the mind of a mastermind :o so pls don’t apologise for the angst, it was like a cleanse (★‿★)  i hope you have a good day too!! 

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 13

humansona time, hell yes

OH MAN I forgot about the stuff w/swerve and blurr oof

that panel of perceptor just saying random equations always kills me vhsdjhfkbjhksdfnka

also I love so much that they call perceptor ‘percy’ that's so cute

I love the implications here that people just Grab minibots and carry them around like luggage bc they are Tiny lmao

ohhhh my god I fuckgin love ‘I'm just wondering if there's time to expand my aura and cleanse the area of aggression’ ‘I...don't think so, drift’ hgbadjfjbaskdfs drift’s hippy nonsense delivered completely seriously pairs hilariously with his whole ‘violent guy with a bunch of swords’ thing lmao

also, IM NEVER OVER CYCLONUS SINGING TO TAILGATE, and also the security team mistaking it for cyclonus murdering tg hbhkjadfbjkhsdf cyclonus u icon

and tg looking at cyclonus all heart-eyes, omg 

drift showing rodimus how to swordfight...fellas.....

rodimus, being entirely ignorant to the irony in calling cyclonus and tailgate’s relationship strange when he and drift are Right There, being weird gay frat bros

did yall know, I love magnus so much. law dad

magnus saying ‘that's not even a word. id have heard of it’ about the word ‘relax��� is so funny god 

rodimus bribing swerve with a bar license to get magnus turnt is hbvhjakdbfhskf

never over rodimus portioning out drifts blood money to the crew for shore leave hubhjsdkhfdbjksd god 

despite tg lying about a good amount of his past, I feel like he rlly DOES see cyclonus as a link to a more familiar time, and that's a large reason why he’s so forgiving toward cyc

mannnn the stuff w/blurr and swerve is so depressing in retrospect. swerve is like, such a depressing character the more you think abt him vbhskjdhfbsk jesus

magnus trying to get in on the convo when swerve starts talking statistics oh magnus

idk what ‘the lube pits’ are but I Really do not want to know

‘the temple of the raging prism’ sounds fuckin bangin tho

I love seeing everyones humansona!! this art style is pretty simple, but I think it looks cute

rungs ‘human name’ being ‘mary sue’ lmaoooooo jro w/the self callout

also skids’ name being blank is a nice touch

still not over tg being a baby....poor guy

whirls humansona is so fuckgin good, also swerve looks like a hobbit

magnus basing his avatar on verity is so sweet ;_; I really should read all the wreckers stuff after I finish this reread

THE ABSOLUTE COMEDY OF MAGNUS JUST FUCKGIN PASSING OUT THE INSTANT THE ALOCHOL HITS...ICONIC

WHY would magnus accept a drink from whirl anyways lmao

tailgate is so cute

they rlly just left magnus facedown on the table and kept drinking huh. the irresponsibility....we love it

ARE YOU SURE THAT KILLMASTER IS DEAD, WHIRL? ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

rung don't lie, froid is your nemesis

WHY do we never get to hear more about skids’ apparent beef with misfire

rewind calling the swerve/misfire This early, wow

literally Everyone abandoning swerve to deal with magnus hgbvhfjdskdfbhs I fucking love this issue man

GOD I LOVE MAGNUS SO MUCH!!!!!!!! he’s such an interesting and unique character and hhhh I love him and his development

like, he was probably the biggest surprise out of everyone who agreed to go on the quest - ostensibly it was to keep order on the lost light, but it would make sense that magnus would get tired of being the Only one who cares about that sorta stuff on board 

drunk magnus is such a delight oh my god

magnus rlly just wants everyone to be safe :( my daddddd

magnus: I love all my children equally...swerve, rodimus, [looks at smudged writing on hand] dirt

swerve: see, magnus, that’s where you’re wrong - I ALSO have crippling depression!

cant believe they bought rodimus a hat vhbhksdfhahsjkdf

HHHHH GOD I FORGOT ABT THATTTT when cyclonus goes bonkers in order to stop rewind from playing the ark 1 footage and inadvertently outing tailgate as a liar....AUGHHHHH THE FUCKING...THE FUCKING ROMANCE OF IT ALL

POOR MAGNUS LMAOOOO

oh rewind :( you should really wonder a little harder where chromedome is right now...oof

everyone jumping on magnus while he’s passed tf out is SO fucking funny 

RUNG, PLEASE, WE REALLY DONT NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHATS AROUND THE CORNER. REALLY DONT

hhhhhhhhhhh I love how cyclonus sat tailgate down and confronted him about lying, but did it privately and not in front of everyone - and he even saved tg from being exposed as a liar, too. AUGH 

I feel like cyclonus is kinda impressed at how effortlessly tg has managed to lie this whole time, and tbh it IS impressive, especially considering tailgate was basically teleported 6 million years into the future and has no idea how the world works anymore, but was still able to lie convincingly. even cyclonus only realized bc of his own past, and not until now

tailgate ;_; ;_; ;_; 

cyclonus: oh no...im soft

tailgate and cyclonus singing ye olde cybertronian tunes together...OUGHHHH my fucking heart bro mY FUCKING HEART.

on that note: the song ‘to noise making (sing)’ by hozier is literally about cygate. thank u for coming to my ted talk

UGH GOD SWERVE STOP MAKING ME SO SAD, ITS NOT EVEN THE SWEARTH ARC YET

magnus had to like, get the robot equivalent of a stomach pumping after that hvbskdjfbhskdf jesus they really did almost kill him huh

I consider this issue forshadowing bc it makes 100% sense that minimus would be a Mega Lightweight considering he’s like 3 feet tall

the real quest that swerve is participating in is ‘the quest to get friends’ and so far its going pretty badly. poor dude 

godddd the thing that says ‘next: Overlord!’ with a fucking exclamation point I DONT APPRECIATE THAT. 

OHO i forgot abt the canon fanfic at the end of this issue

rung kicking things off with some good ole bodily workings-based dread 

ok but being so awed by the construction of your species’ anatomy that you wanna fall on the floor in amazement? that's a whole ass mood and I do frequently stare at walls for long periods of time, thinking about the marvel that is the human body. so rung is valid 

FROID NAME DROP LMAO. also yet again, are you SURE he’s dead?? are you????

the name ‘froid’ cracked me up almost as much as ‘rigor morphis’ did when I first read this...robot-based science puns! woohoo!

rung rlly b out here thinking abt overlords lips.....

‘forced browsing is not the autobot way’ lmao skids

also fr tailgate defs thinks that whirls actually name is nutjob

the entire segment of cyclonus browsing and everyone watching him and commenting is just. golden

oh no. don't make me think of rewind and his tiny memory sticks that he carries around. I'm NOT READY

magnus’ brutal read on rodimus and the fact that he’s more suited, personality-wise, to wartime than peacetime? oof. love it

I ALSO love that a big part of this issue was magnus admitting, in less direct terms, that HE isn't made for the post-war life either - his strict adherence to the rules and constant vigilance isn't exactly the best mindset for peacetime, for him or the people under his command

magnus’s hatred of metaphors and similes and the like....hvbsdjkfbasjhdf I love him

MAGNUS ILY...he’s trying SO HARD cut him some slack. i think his jokes are. yeah!

oh goody this text used "rodimus’s" so I guess that's canonically correct and I haven't been using grammar incorrectly as I had feared 

rodimus sitting ON his desk and doodling on it...adhd icon

rodimus calling rung a psychotherapist, which was rung’s grounds for a nemesis hvbhjabfdskfnkks

rung: as I'm sure you know I take patient confidentiality VERY seriously

narrator: That Was A Lie 

AUGH this hurts...rung trying to get justice for red alert but rodimus is in on the overlord stuff :( ouch

so issue 13! I fucking love this issue. just some good ole funney space hijinks, with some nice relationship development for tg and cyc - plus a revelation about tailgate - and some characterization for swerve and magnus. plus we get to see humansonas, which is always fun. augh I love this comic, and I am SO not ready for the next few issues, good lord

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[youmeanlove]

all of them for yusuke !!!!!!!!!

SCREAMS thank you SO much im bout to end this mans (my wish to keep answers short) whole career 

update: sorry this took so long i decided to become a novelistKJF LITERALLY its so long thank you soooo much for sending this ask i had a field day

fresh mown grass: what is your f/o’s favorite scent? does it remind them of anything specific?

paint is the obvious answer so ofc that but he rly likes the smell of a smoked out kitchen. probably because thats what happens every time he tries to experiment w food but it still makes him happy to hav fun with it

pastel sunrise: what was your f/o’s first impression of you? yours of them?

hehehe…he thought i dressed really weirdJFJF he was like one part intrigued one part ‘wtf ew’ but either way boy did he stare at me! for like, minutes straight because he has no self awareness. once we started talking he thought i was um..like, inspiring i guess. that sounds conceited but he just thought i was a cool ‘care-free’ model of life! i thought umm..he was very tall and kind of intimidating! i felt bad because the other students shunned him for being involved with his mentor nd thought he could do with like, literally any social interaction. i thought he was really kind, despite being very straightforward w everything! OH and i thought it was admirable how focused on his passions he was

blooming flowers: what is your f/o’s favorite part of nature? do they even have one?

the ocean!!!! we went to the beach once and he went ape over how the moon looked reflecting over the water

four leaf clover: does your f/o have any good luck charms or superstitions? do you? do the two of you share any?

yusukes really superstitious actually! unlucky words/numbers and stuff like that. one time he broke a comb on accident and threw it across the room lmao. we both go absolutely ham and wont sleep w/ our heads to the north bc we dont feel like dying young

ocean breeze: have you and your f/o ever traveled together? what is your dream vacation?

hoyah! we dont travel because we’re both poor ass art students but we do go to the park a lot! theres some really pretty ones near the schools so we’ll go stare at geese and flowers n stuff! we talk a lot about traveling to spain bc sexy

lemonade stand: what is your f/o’s favorite beverage? and yours?

yusuke my mans rly likes lemonade but like when its kinda bitter? he doesnt like really sweet foods but lemonade and tea are 👌👌. i really like cola uwu

fireflies: how do you light up your f/o’s life?

hehHEHE U///U show that boy how to have fun!! let himself go and chill out sometimes!! he’s always so hard on himself and i help him remember that he doesn’t need to be so focused and stressed all the time anymore!! lov that guy

music festival: what is your favorite type of music? your f/o’s? any overlap between your favorite genres?

yusuke likes chill out music like classical and stuff because hes a NERD and it helps him focus on work! i’m a speedcore rat. we both like swing music because we’re gay

pumpkin latte: what is your guilty pleasure as a couple? 

sometimes we drink juice out of the carton and put it back in the fridge because like who has time for cups..nasty nasty. also idk if this counts but we’ll take those stupid buzzfeed quizzes for like an hour and judge our results OH we stan ‘accidetally’ falling asleep in our day clothes bc we were too tired to change

costume shop: do you wear couples’ halloween costumes? what’s your favorite thing the two of you have ever gone as?

HELL YEAH WE DOOOOO yusuke was like dude remember that time i turned into a mouse can i dress up like a mouse and you dress up as a giant block of cheese and i was like (slaps the desk) absolutely babe

cozy sweater: how does your f/o make you feel secure and safe?

ahejegfahjkgehaheehaejh tall. hes vv straightforward to every1 so i know he’ll always have my back if someone does something to upset me! and he’s always like Bro You Are So Beautiful Dont Ever Say You Arent Bro I Love You Bro except he doesnt say bro ofc hes Fancy

bonfire: what’s one thing your f/o has done to warm your heart?

ONE TIM OH one time he told me that i was one of the few ppl that never rly seemed like i judged him for not being very good at social stuff and that it made him want to talk to even more ppl and like get his childhood back and im :”) also one time he let me hide a stray cat in his dormKJF

ski slope: do you and your f/o play any sports or do any athletic activities together?

lol no we both have an iron deficiency we dont do anything about. we do like to play hand clappy games a lot tho he can beat my ass in slide

snowball fight: how do you and your f/o playfully tease each other?

HONESTLYFKJF we dont tease each other that much bc like. yusuke literally doesnt understand teasing most of the time and i cant bring myself to risk hurting his feelings! i jokingly made fun of his emo bang once and he was like What Is My Hair Bad Should I Get It Cut Do You Not Like It and i was like OH NOOOO!! he doesnt rly know how to tease either but its okay we just compliment each other a lot! no room for teasing in this house

gift wrap: what’s the best present your f/o has ever given you? what’s their favorite present they’ve gotten from you?

OH MY GOSH eheh one time he gave me a winter coat and that sounds lame but it was the best thing to ever happen to me bc i had been talking for like 3 weeks abt how gosh darn cold it was and this poor fool bought me a whole coat!!! raaaaaa!! yusukes fave present i bought him would probably be okay this also sounds silly but a dvd player! he kept buying dvds that were interesting and then realizing that he couldnt watch them anywherejkhf

rosy cheeks: tell us about a time your f/o has made you blush!

hehHEHEEJH okay so at lunch we used to trade so that id give him like food and hed draw me something bc his foster dad be like (whips and dabs) financial abuse but anyway his sketches used to be like scenic stuff or still life or random stuff he happened to see outside while we ate but then one time he gave me a sketch of me!! and was like cause u looked rly nice today i had to draw it and BOYYY WHEN I SAY A BITCH WAS RED!!!!!!!

OKAYFKJF I WROTE WAY TOO MUCH THANK U SO MUCH LEGEND im in love with an anime boy

[5view]

mutual tag 🍒✨

i was tagged by @chanuwu thanks this was fun uwu ✨🌈

nickname: emy, keeva (thats actually my middle name but i get called that a lot!!)

zodiac: gemini sun/venus, taurus moon/mercury/mars (@ anyone who knows abt astrology pls tell me what it means lmao)

height: 1m63 

age: just turned 22 but in the Youth™’s opinion i look 16-17 ggfjfgjdnfgj help

time: 19:28

fave bands/artists: winkon, b.a.p, shinee, b*s, monsta x....honestly its a never ending list :’) 

song stuck in my head: tbh these past few days its been either twisted by junoflo gmskdkfkg god (smtm season is upon us lads) or machika by anitta, jeon & j. balvin (forgot how hard this goes)

last movie i watched: i watched the first 2 shrek films last night, i lurv poetic cinema 👌 cant believe i went this long without watching them lmao

last thing i googled: apartments bc i need to find a new place to live in but everything’s too expensive rip 🗿 🗿 🗿 love me some adult shit uh

other blogs: dont have any other!! i be a messy bih on main 

do i get asks?: sometimes from mutuals and every now n then some asshole drops in but thats it owo

why i chose my username?: every khh related url i wanted was taken lmao so i decided on this since i lov me some gray music

☝️ a mood

following: 422 GKSKDFNKG and yet i only see the same 15 blogs on my dash so a lot of them are probably inactive

average amount of sleep: around 5

lucky number: 7

what am i wearing: a black top and mom jeans

dream job: don’t have one

dream trip: anywhere is great! im not picky 

play any instruments: nope but i used to be very good at piano:// im lowkey sad i stopped playing

fave song: view n good evening by shinee, naive by the kooks, the sound by the 1975, ok jaanu by a.r rahman & srinidhi venkatesh, baby baby by winner,...

play any sport: i dont play anymore but ive done tennis, badminton & swimming

hair colour: red

eye colour:  light blue/grey

most iconic song: the dilemma//// im gonna keep it to kpop: mr simple by suju, ring ding dong by shinee or i got a boy by gg

language(s) you speak: french’s my native language,,, i can write in english but not talk lmao (my dad’s english so talk abt embarrassing) and i had german spanish and latin in school but i can only understand a bit when im reading so uhhhh yeah... i started learning hindi & portguese and stopped a couple yrs ago but i wanna start again!!

random fact: last year at my stepdad’s bday a woman who works with casting directors n stuff (the first out lesbian in her field btw!! which is dope) told me i should go to paris and pass auditions because i had the physique to do tv?? but i never did and my jobless self regrets it tbh gllskdskfg

describe yourself as aesthetics: sunset by the sea, pressed flowers, staring at your friends laughing, iced hazelnut macchiato, the smell of opening a new book, pink tinted windows/glass, impulse shopping, plants on the window ledge, that annoying piece of hair that gets in your mouth, sheet masks, taemin trying to run his hand through his hair while he had a hat on, unwanted nostalgia, crying easily, listening to music on high volume, the run mv, the winner ‘exit’ teaser films, the feeling of getting a tattoo, streets in a foreign city at night, the very important hand touch in period dramas, alcoholic drinks that taste like they have no alcohol, flannel around your waist, sitting in the dark and watching the stars and moon

tagging: @seoktjin @ayzis @http-lance @fatescenario @glasses-and-bandana-s  @94taehyuns @ddudu2x @winnerjinu @sghoneygirl @agu5td  @blingbling-is-jonghyuun​ idk whos done this yet or not but ya! in case you feel like it  🤗

[irl]

u know what time it is ;)

**traumadump

so this is gonna be a lot more milquetoast compared to the other one. more like teenage whiny bitching but yknow. we all deserve to have some teenage whiny bitching sometimes

my first serious relationship happened sometime near the end of highschool. i dont remember how old i was. tbh i dont even remember his actual name. now i just know him as ‘ten’ which is good enough to call him now

id only dated one other person before him. (technically there were a couple others but they were pedo online ones and idrc or remember much abt them smh). her name was fallon. she was my first girlfriend and honestly she was fine. 10/10 would try again. nothing rly bad happened there, i was just young and dumb and thought having a crush on someone else meant i was cheating on them and i felt bad LMAO i was like 13 or 14.

ten tho. ten was my first serious relationship. we had met through a mutual friend and we hit it off pretty quickly. i dont remember all that much about him if im gonna be real. we dated for almost a year but most of him is gone along w the rest of that time. i remember the “break up” quite vividly though. it wrecked me lmao

the only other thing i really remember is when i was finally able to give my dad a funeral ten years after the fact. we travelled down south. (im pretty sure arkansas. my mom told me when i moved here that my dad was buried near here. all this time i thought he was in texas and all lol). i remember staring up at the sky and watching the clouds while i sat in the passenger seat. told him i loved him like i love the clouds or smth. it was a nice moment, i was feeling nice all things considered.

the break up though. that shit Sucked. i remember, because it was one of the things that hurt the most about it, was that at some point we had had a conversation. he felt bad (? this conversation is fuzzy so some may be inaccurate or vague) about how he had broken up w an ex of his before. we ended up talking and i communicated that i would rather be broken up with directly, to just be told, i had severe abandonment issues and to just suddenly disappear would be the worst

i had actually told him that at least twice? maybe more? the way that we “broke up” is that i woke up one morning and went to message him on skype (lololol) and found he had blocked me. found he had blocked me on every platform we knew each other on. without so much as a word

our last conversation was about how much he’d been missing his dog bcos he was away visiting family for a couple months. it sucked. it felt like shit. it was my first major break up and it wasnt even a real break up lmao

he came back a few months later sometime that summer, messaging me via snapchat. i remember when i saw the message i was at work, it was like 3 am. i was sitting next to the ice machine in the back, slacking off like usual. idr exactly what he said to me but i remember first it hurt rly bad. then i got angry at him cos like lmao the audacity. he basically turned it all around and blamed me for it and dumbshit tried to make himself out to be the victim and the bigger man idk idr teenage bullshit i dont remember if i responded but i dont think i did

abandonment has been something ive had to deal with a lot. and it sucks. its made it hard to trust people, to open up. like really open up. at this point these dumb posts that i make are the only real ways i could ever get stuff like this out for anyone to see. it doesnt feel as serious. if they wanna read it they can but they can opt out whenever they want and id never ever know. theres no fear of rejection here. just apathetic observance.

idk who im writing this for. myself mostly im sure.

the longest time ive ever lived somewhere was around 7 years. in colorado. and even then we still had to move once near the end. i dont remember the ages and numbers anymore so i cant give an exact time. but that was the longest piece of stability i ever had. and i couldnt wait to get out

i think. at some point, instability becomes a comfort. when its all you know, having something there that feels permanent is terrifying. it feels like it can be taken away. when you get used to constantly living rolling with the punches, it feels dizzying to try to right yourself. to stand up straight.

when i moved into my first ever apartment that i signed a lease for, i bought a kitchen table for ten dollars from goodwill. i was able to get it home and lug it up to the second floor and into my house. i got it righted and placed where i wanted it to be and i was so proud of myself. later that night i had a breakdown over accumulating furniture.

i lived with my mom and dad. then they started fighting. i dont remember the timelines or chronological order. but i lived with my dad, then i lived at my (paternal) grandparents house. i lived with my (maternal) uncle and aunt. i lived with my (maternal) second cousin. i lived with my (paternal) aunt. i livef with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. i lived with my mom. back with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. back with my mom

we lived in an apartment. there was a girl i was friends with. we would go swim in the pool sometime. she lived with her dad and her skin was tan

we lived in a duplex on a culdesac. there was a girl and her brother nearby. i was best friends with them. i cant remember their names? last i heard the girls sibling is nonbinary? im not sure.

living with someone in the south. idk. it was a house. there was a girl nearby. her house had a lot of lush green. her cat? or dog? had babies. there was one they named dw for death wish because it kept trying to walk off the deck

one time my mom bought a house. there were a lot of kids i hung out with. they made it a game at one point to call each other while i was there to bad mouth me to prove that the others were awful and i shouldnt be friends with them. i shouldntve been friends with any of them tbh. i just wanted friends in general

the friends arent trauma. im just walking thru what i can remember because i. yknow. the amnesia. sometimes walking through things helps me to remember more. i mean the snotty girls definitely werent great but yknow kids are mean they say crass things. i eventually got better friends

that was the only time my mom owned a home. my sister and i were real young, still in elementary school. we were kids and had messes. my mom never taught us how to clean just told us to go do so. so she was mad that we were kids and had messes. one day she took everything i had and everything my sister had and locked it into one room and put me and my sister as well as a weeks worth of clean clothes for the each of us into the other room. she took away every comfort item we had. she changed the locks to one that needed a key. we stayed minimalist kids for a while after that.

that kickstarted a hoarding disorder that ive since gotten 10000% better about. hoarding already ran in our family and so did paranoia disorders. she did things like that regularly. she would target my stuffed animals specifically. once i remember she barged into my room with big black trashbags and took every single stuffed animal and stuffed them in. including the Special One stuffed animal. she took him right from my hands. i sobbed at her to stop and i watched as she threw them all into our garbage and wheeled it out to the street for the collector the next day. she dragged me back in by the arm and forced me back to my room to go to bed.

now that sucks huh

anyway she didnt actually throw them out. she went and got them back but that doesnt erase what happened now does it? thats why i dont like the shitty bullshit ass pranks people pull on their partners like “i pretend to cheat on my partner” or “i break up with my partner as a prank”. like lol just bcos at the end of the day the scenario was fake, it doesnt take away the fact that for however long it was kept up, you forced that person to live in a reality where it was explicitly real. she forced me to live in a reality for an entire night where she had taken the things that bring me the most comfort and safety feelings in my life, which she was well aware of which is why she targeted them so often, and destroyed them. that. broke fundamental trust in her in ways i cannot describe

when i left florida and landed in arkanas out of money my mom offered to take me back. she had been getting better. i basically cut contact with her for a while and then came back but only talked to her enough for her to just barely witness the awful things that happened in florida without her really being able to do anything at all lmao abd then i told her she needs to shape up or else im leaving altogether and that scared her enough to start becomjnt a better person for me for herself for my little sister. and shes grown a lot. when she offered for me to come back though, she demanded that i “just forgive [her] and stop being mad at [her].”

ive made it very apparent that im not angry with her and i dont hold what happened in my past against her beyond any reasonable extent and that it doesnt affect how i interact with her now, however there are many things that she did that i have to heal from and cope with. i havent told her in those words exactly but the sentiments have been repeated throughout various conversations

bearing that in mind. the demanding that i just forgive her. i become that kid again. the scared 9 year old kid whos dad died just a couple years prior whos been moved across the country countless times with countless people who inflicted varied but unique to the other trauma whos not been able to have a friend for more than a year or two at a time whos never had a stable support net whos lived in and out of poverty whos lived in and out of secure housing whos only “constants” has been his sister and his mom, one of which he fights with constantly (as siblings do constant bloodshed) and the other has not had a single healthy coping mechanism in her entire life and is slowly losing the ability to effectively sympathize with even her own children whos only real constants, real positive influences, has been tv and his stupid little plushies. the scared kid whos watching his mom take everything she knows he cares about and forces him to believe time and time again that this is really it that shes finally serious. shes scary when shes serious and she always somehow manages to be even scarier, which means shes even seriouser.

it sucks

i dont know if she did it. i dont wanna believe she did it. she says she didnt do it either. and i feel like if she knew i was questioning her it would demolish her. i dont wanna think she did it. that she pushed him.

i dont remeber who first told me that she did though. i know shes adamantly denied it to me. and i believe her. but god. sometimes i think about how violent shes been with me. what would stop her?

i dont think she pushed him. whats more likely is that they were just fighting and he tripped and went down the stairs. i dont remember it i was too young. i remember being told afterwards that while he was stuck on the stairs i went and got all my stuffed animals and surrounded him with them to make him feel better

thats what caused the dormant cancer to awaken. it was some kinda bone cancer. something about the fall and hurting his leg. i dont remember him much. it hurts to think about him. i wasnt that old when he died tho. i just know he was my best friend. he showed me more love than my mom ever has. its not her fault tho. she was raised to not even be able to effectively express happiness let alone anything beyond that. especially not love. it took her 21 years to tell me she was proud of me for something

he was my best friend though. i dont remember much about him but i feel. the warmth. the smiles. i loved him a lot. i think thats something my mom always feels bad about. inadequate. she knows she doesnt have the ability to express affection like he did. its okay though, i understand her. i get it.

my dad though. sometimes i wonder what itd be like if he were still around? idk. the Orphaned Wondering™️ lmao

logically he didnt abandon me. but he was one of the final and toughest nails in that coffin though. really the only clear memory i actually have of him though is seeing him cold and empty on the medical examination table. i was still small so my eyeballs were Level with his body. i didnt understand it. my mom accused me of using him as a crutch so much that i think it just forced my brain to Expunge as much information about him as possible just to prove her wrong bcos how can you crutch on the pain of losing someone you never even knew, right?

shes kept using that up till i was 22 or so. idr exactly when the last time she said that to me was. i think i stood up to her about it once and she stopped then. this was after she was already scared lmao i think the combination is what got her.

one of the big times i remember is when i finally came out to her as trans. she didnt like it to sum it up. she made me sit through one of her signature multi hour presentation lectures when i told her about how i was such a disappointment and a let down and blah blah blah and eventually i was sent away. the next day she sends me an email (LMAO AN EMAIL) basically telling me she doesnt support me and then goes on a long tirade about my father and using him as a crutch and how he died having two daughters and what would she say to him now because “yes 🥺 i still talk to him” and whatever.

that also started her long lines of kick out threats. after i came out to her, every two weeks to a month she would actively threaten to kick me out and give me ultimatums. leading to the Penultimate moment when i had gone down to texas with a friend to help them move for college and i went with them to a tattoo parlor so they could get a tattoo. my mom sees me at a tattoo parlor (she was On that tracking shit since well before life 360 was a thing. once she called me in the middle of class in highschool accusing me of being at the bar next door cos her shitty find my friends thing told her so and she made me facetime so she could talk to my teacher lmao) and accused me of getting a tattoo. told her i wasnt and she didnt believe me and told me i wasnt welcome back in her home and that i didnt need to bother coming to get my shit bcos its all getting bagged up and tossed out tomorrow. i was two thousand miles from home with only the clothes on my back. had a minor meltdown said fuck it and got a tattoo. then went to houston pride the next day and warped tour the day after that.

my friend i was with blamed themself and felt awful about it. i hope they didnt carry that with them for too long. it wasnt their fault. my mom was Searching for a reason other than the fact i was trans to kick me out. my friend talked to their mom and got me set up with her temporarily.

come to find out that at my bus stop back in town, my moms friend was there picking me up and taking me back to my moms house, effectively kidnapping me lmao. except i was 18 so can that rly be kidnapping? idk what the adult term is. abduction. middle of the night im escorted back into my moms house and she presents me with a contract, throughout the contents of which she addresses me as “the adult child”.

three months later i was moving from colorado to maine to live with my bow ex fiance lmao

thats enough brain shit for tonight. ive got a migraine building and ive been at this for an hour or smth

time to go smoke weed and watch the last episode of that gay pirate show lmao

[elftwink]

uh uh uh could u do orange and blue?

orange: what makes you feel warm inside? what’s your favorite halloween tradition? what’s the last thing you learned? when’s the last time you felt obsessed? what’s your favorite article of clothing?

good music i think?? thats genuinely... one of the only consistent things abt my good moods is that im also listening to good music.

i’m a sucker for costumes so i love that part of halloween honestly why do we not have more costume parties s m h. a couple years ago i made my own costume. it awful but i put so much work into it i love it

i cant think of ANYTHING the semester is over and i havent learned shit. i learned i need to study more, just now. 

BRUH right tf now i literally dont go. a single day w/o thinking about podcasts. not one. my personality is just Like This if i don’t have a new interest i fall back on old ones and i think about them obsessively until i find something new. its #toomuch but idk how to Stop w/o just. repressing my love for things so i dont anymore lmao

i bought a leather jacket for $90 and i didnt eat for the week but it was worth it. also i bought a t-shirt that says “my legs are strong but my will to live is not” which honestly... i love it. i wear it to parties.

blue: what do you do when you’re sad? what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? what kind of covers do you have on your bed? who is the last person you told a secret to?

listen to music and sulk mostly lmao i clean sometimes if its like. normal sad, or i try to write or play ukulele, but if its like. Bad Mental Health sad i stare at the ceiling. if i have any energy i go thru my own ‘bad day’ tag. but like. listening to music and sulking is a Core personality trait lmao

read, draw, write, indulge in complex daydreams w/ten minutes of thinking abt worldbuilding. if im home alone i’ll make food or have a shower. 

uhhhhhhh there was like one dumb night where me and two friends were coming back from a poetry slam (i know) and it was like. 1am and we were just talking about how much we loved the city and how nice it was and we found an empty train car and started recording random poetry lines we thought were good for a team piece (i kNOW) and we went back to on of the friend’s houses and made chicken strips and mac and cheese and started writing random shit on post-it notes to make a poem and we were up until four. everything we wrote was shit but the memory is really nice, and i wish i spoke to the two of them more but hs #drama happened so lmao

fuckin. theyre comic book ‘sound effect’ sheets. like they have things like “POW!” and “ZAPP” on them. theyre super dorky djkhjsk

i aint never had a secret in my life i tell everyone everything theres not a single fact about me that at least three people don’t know. not to mention the last ‘secret’ i had was like. telling ppl im gay and not bi and i for some reason did that at a party so i don’t actually know. who i told. im a Hot Mess 

[cellophobia]

some general shid i’m thinking about:

- new medication. wtf. i think it’s too early to say at this point but i’ve already had pretty bad obsessions Twice and yesterday was my first day off lexapro,,,, and bupropion doesn’t treat ocd i think so i’ll see how it goes but if it gets any worse i’m rescheduling my psych appt to be sooner

- twenty one pilots w my mom in october!! love them!! love them live!!!!!

- i am in the bath and it keeps draining so i have to keep refilling it up because my BATHTUB SUCKS!!!

- Minecraft Java Edition

- fuck school? i don’t know what i’m gonna do with my life because at this point i can’t even handle a full year of school........ i hate mental illness soooooo much. even on meds i couldn’t go!!! even with a fucking paper from my psychiatrist saying “lol ya he’s gonna miss a lot of school” i couldn’t bring myself to go bc i didn’t wanna fail. failure from not trying is better than failure from trying. damn typing that makes me realize how backwards that is LMAO but that’s just how i think

- do i go back to working at my other job?????????? i love most of the ppl there and the new manager is soooooo cool (met him before, he dates my old manager) and ppl there appreciate me and they’re all so nice and i’m not fucking BORED all the time..... plus maybe when i’m 18 i could be shift manager......... ugh idk what the fuc to do

- WHY CANT I STOP EATING WHY AM I LIKE THIS??¿ ¿ i’m cryin and i dislike my body a lot

- i Hate Being a Mess and I Need Support but I Hate Reaching Out for Support because i don’t like being a burden on others. don’t like them feeling bad for me. therapy just ..... ain’t enough at this point sksksk all we do is GOSSIP and talk about my father who i don’t even give a fuck about.

- boyf in a couple weeks yahhhh

- I WANNA WASH MY HAIR BUT THIS TUB KEEPS DRAINING ITSELF !!!!!!!!!

- talked to a lady on the phone today and she was so nice but I COULDNT UNDERSTAND A FUCKING THING SHE WAS SAYING !! and her husband kept trying to butt in the call i think and she was like IM A GROWN WOMAN I KNOW WHAT IM DOING!! i love her so much. actually i love most old women on phones @ work. sometimes they are cursed but usually they are so sweet.....

- thinking abt that time at the mall when i ran up the escalator after my friend and this woman stared me down when i got to the top and i was so embarrassed but it was so fucking funny

- axtually? i miss bri. i miss her so much. she still considers me her best friend even tho we haven’t gone to school together in like two years & we see each other once a month at max. i guess she had a cancer scare tho???? i didn’t know abt that... and i feel bad bc i wanna be there for her but. i just don’t go on insta that often anymore and i didn’t see her updates

- that’s it. also fuck spiders