#idk haven’t felt like posting on my cat account

[natabatts]

X-men Quicksilver (the only one I care about) as a kitty

He’s running so fast the watermark has motion blur

(No motion blur version and old drawing under the cut)

Quicksilver is such an underrated character :(

Oh and here’s one I drew 1000 years ago

[gloxk]

“Mary Jane.”

Gojo satoru ~

Summary: Your best friend was a snake. She slept with your boyfriend at a party. Everything shattered when you saw them. Your heart broke, leaving you with hatered and resentment. But two can play that game. Didn't she know? Karma’s a bitch.

W/C : 2k+. READING TIME: 10 minutes.

Setting: Modern Au, Reader is in their 20’s.

Song inspo:The best I ever had (Limi)/ Birthday S*X (Jeremih)/Drunk in love (The weekends version)/What you need(the weekend.)

A/N: Happy kinktober. It’s been a minute. (I've returned just for this years kinktober) idk i’ve just been busy fr. I haven’t been writing at all 😭. But I was on tik tok right, and i saw this lil video abt a story. So yall know those reddit stories? Bro this story was fucking outrageous, i tell ya. So boom bro got cheated on by his gf and she slept w his best friend. I was like damnnnnn 💀 ain’t no way. So bro turned around n fcked his ex best friends sister. The crazy thing is HE RECORDED IT. AND HE SENT IT TO BRO. I got carried away w this one. (I was high asf.) But anyway please enjoy! My grammar might be fucked up i didn’t feel like prof reading. Mdni/ageless blogs you will be blocked. 17+.

Warnings: F/M relations,Jealousy, angst if you squint, friend dumping, lewd behavior, DRUGS & alcohol. (mary J) mentions of Ex, BJ’s, Male receiving, unprotected sex (I got a little nasty w this one)

————————————————

You sat there disappointed in your dry phone. It was like looking at a blank screen. The night was cold, dark, and quiet. Everything was different now that you cut off your toxic-ass best friend. Deleting all the pictures and videos of you two. All the happiness and laughter y’all had shared just for it to be ruined in a few hours. The incident only happened a few days ago.

You decide to scroll through your alt account’s Instagram feed hoping to see something interesting. Something interesting indeed popped up. A little green circle around your ex-best friend’s profile picture. “Curiosity killed the cat ya’know?”, It surely killed you as soon as you clicked it. She was with your Ex. Your face scrunched in disbelief. You couldn’t help but muster up a pitiful laugh. What was going through her goddamn mind? Did she know the alt belong to you? Was the random pinterest boy profile picture not convincing enough? You nearly tossed your phone to the ground you felt tears bubbling up in your eyes. You remember the whole thing like it was yesterday. The horrible things you said to each other. But one thing she said in particular stuck in your head. “You aren’t even together anymore! Why the fuck do you care Y/n?”, Those were the last words she said to you, the last words you needed to hear to leave her alone. It hurt you so much, the girl you known from middle school betrayed you.

It was late maybe around 11 pm. Your mind was filled with anger. You couldn’t stop thinking about it. You told her everything and she did the same. You two grew up together. When you introduced your boyfriend and best friend they hit it off. They were so cool with each other that it seemed like a dream come true. Having your best friend actually like your boyfriend was extremely rare to come by. Your dream came short-lived after you found them fucking in a bathroom at a party. It hurt so fucking bad. You clenched your shirt trying not to cry. That night broke you, you lost everything in 4 hours. All it took was a couple of shots and one blunt to have your whole world crash. In a fit of rage, you decided to go through her entire Instagram feed. Scrolling through every single post. In a recent post from earlier today, you saw a dump of her stepbrother. All of the pictures were silly, cute pictures of him. You couldn’t lie, he was fine as fuck. You saw her stepbrother a couple of times when y'all were younger, but god did puberty hit him good. He was tall and muscular with a sharp jawline. He has white hair and beautiful ocean-colored eyes. He had a couple of arm tattoos as well. You sat there trying to remember his name. You looked over the caption trying to find something leading to him, the caption read: “HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY @satoruxgxjo! I hope 19 treats you good lil, bro :).” That was his name! You finally remembered him. Satoru gojo, it was definitely moan-able. You DM’D him almost immediately.

(Y/n): “Hey! I saw your birthday was earlier and I wanted to wish you a happy 19th birthday!” You didn’t know what you expected him to say back to that. You didn’t know if you wanted him to immediately block you or text you back. Maybe if he blocked you would be able to move on and heal. But all you wanted was revenge. After two minutes you got a notification from Instagram. (satoruxgxjo): “Yo, I appreciate it. it’s been a minute. How have you been?” A smug smile arose on your face. You instantly texted him back. (Y/n): “I’ve been amazing. Recently I had just got some za from a friend and since it’s your birthday maybe we can roll up?” You watch as your text goes from Sent to Seen. Your heart immediately went faster.(satoruxgxjo): “Lmao? That was quick but sure. I don’t mind. Addy?” Your face was sinister. If he could see your face right here probably think twice about his current decision. You sent him your location, (Y/n): “I mean it’s not like we don’t know each other Saturo, just pull up :) We can catch up!”, You were so happy that this was gonna work out perfectly. (satoruxgxjo): “Who is Saturo? It’s Satoru* n I’m otw.” That happiness quickly faded into embarrassment. How could you forget his name already? You repeated it 10x to remember it, while repeating his name you quickly got up and rushed upstairs.

You dressed yourself in a loose shirt that hung off your shoulders, your chest was the only thing holding it up. Underneath you made sure to treat your guests to an easy reveal no bra and pink Victoria's Secret lace panties. Your hair was messy letting little strands of hair frame your face. You rushed downstairs to set everything up, you grabbed an open bottle of Hennessy and accompanied it with a jar of bud including a pack of Raw’s. Everything was set for the most part. You dimmed the lights and played some sensual music. You turned your TV on to some random Netflix show to make it seem casual. You soon turned your attention to the door as the doorbell rang. A wicked smile placed on your face, your hips swaying to the music. You opened the door and smiled at your victim—I mean visitor. “Heyy~.” Your voice filled with a welcoming tone. Luring him in like a fisherman. “Hey, Y/n.” He had a basic white shirt on, and his muscular body filled it out nicely. His lower half was hidden behind grey sweatpants, He had on white cross that were no longer white. His tall frame continued to tower over you. He sounded so nonchalant, but his blue eyes told a different story. He couldn’t stop looking at your bare shoulders. “Come in hun.” You moved out of his way and motioned him to the couch. The table caught his attention immediately. You made your way to the kitchen swaying to the beat of the music. “Henny? Whatcha got this for?” He picked up the bottle with an eager smile. “Why else Satoru?” You winked at him. Watching him open the bottle and pour himself a shot. “Well, Hopefully, it’s not for little ole me. God, you wouldn’t make such a silly mistake and give an underage boy Hennessy? Right?” He asked mocking you. A smug expression on his face. You couldn’t wait to wipe it off. “Oh of course not! I would never do such a disgraceful thing. But..I won’t tell if you won’t.” He threw his head back and he gulped down the shot of liquor. The burning sensation only made him crave it more. “You know I don’t kiss and tell.” He chuckled as he watched you sit down on the couch. He soon followed you and plopped down beside you. “You ever rolled before?” You looked at him as you picked up the grinder. “Nah, I’m more of a pipe or hookah person. Ya’know?” You giggled at him. He was falling into your trap without even knowing. “Lemme show you how to roll then.”. You took him through the basic steps. Letting your hands guide his. After a few attempts, he was able to get a good enough roll for a beginner. “And now ya gotta lick it.” You bent over his lap using his muscular arm to hold yourself up. You dragged your tongue over the paper making sure to seal it. You took the joint from him and began to light it. His eyes watched you dangerously. After a couple of pulls, you handed it back over to him. He pulled a heavy hit making him cough. You poured another shot for the both of you. Handing him a glass of liquor. “Oh? Is that for me? How kind.” Your hand sat between his thighs. “Of course.” He took the glass and knocked it back, and you followed his lead.

You weren’t slightly drunk nor were you high. But you couldn’t say the same for Satoru. He almost finished your bottle of Hennessy. His head was between your neck and shoulder. He was mumbling incoherent nonsense, you didn’t particularly care what he was babbling about. He was lying between your legs using your chest to keep him propped up. His hands rubbing your thigh, “Mm..please.” He mumbled desperately. “I told you not to drink too much Gojo. Now look at you.” You laughed as you rubbed his head. “.. I know. m’ sorry. Please y/n. Please.” You were confused you didn’t know what he was asking for to be quite frank. “You should get an Uber to take you home.” You nudged him to get off of you. He didn’t budge at all. His eyes looked up at you pleading with you. “I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay with you. lemme stay.” He was so whiny while he was drunk it was pissing you off. “Okay, you can stay.” He hummed softly in response. “upstairs?” You whispered in his ear, he nodded his head. You moved off the couch pulling him off with you. You walked him up the stairs to your bedroom. He was stumbling up the stairs you had to hold him up. Making it to your room in one piece was the hardest part. Opening the door his hands never left your body, If anything they became more needy. His fingers roamed around your back as he began to tug at your shirt.

You grabbed his hands telling him to stop. “I don’t know...if we should do this...I’m sure your sister wouldn’t like this.” You smiled as you pushed him on the bed. Of course, she wouldn’t like her brother sleeping with her ex-best friend. But that made it more exhilarating. Satoru groaned at your words. Bringing up what you and his sister had going on at a time like this was a low blow. “Don’t fuck with me Y/n. You’ve been touching me all night. Saying little shit to me. I’m ready now, and you’re gonna act like this?” You heard the frustration in his voice, looking down at his gray sweats pants you saw what else was frustrated. You laughed at him. “Oh look who’s mad at me. I’m just trying to respect you and your sister's relationship.” Your hands go under his shirt and rub his abs. He laughed as his arm covered his face. “Ah, so I understand why she called you a conniving bitch now.” Your smug face was quickly wiped with confusion. “Oh…Yeah? She gonna think I’m more than conniving after this.” You grabbed him by his hair pulling him closer. Your lips clashed against his, you could taste the intoxication on his tongue. The kiss became sloppy fairly quickly. His hands continued to roam over your back. He followed your lead not allowing your mouth to leave his. He yanked at your shirt, he wanted to pull it off of you. Sitting on his lap, you took off your shirt and tossed it to the side. His hands went up to cup your breasts. His fingers ran over your hardened nipples, his expression was darkened with lust. “So fckin pretty.” He sat up leaving kisses on your neck and chest. You assisted him in taking off his shirt and tossed it over to yours. Leaving kisses on his neck and slowly moving downward to his chest. Taking your precious time with him. He was so impatient, whining if you didn’t kiss him. You used your finger to trace his v-line teasing him enough to push him. You got up and slowly removed his sweatpants leaving him in his tight boxers. Licking your lips at the sight, it was a delectable sight indeed. Tracing the bulging print through his Ethikas. “Oh my god…” You stuttered in disbelief, this man was packing. Satoru felt you tugging his boxers, he lifted his hips and allowed you to yank them off of him. The cold air hit him drawing out a long sigh. Those blue eyes watching you with a dangerous glint, those eyes screaming out for you. “don’t play with me Y/n.” He whispered, almost as if he was begging you to make him feel something. You seated yourself between his thighs, looking at him with awe. Your hands running up and down his hardened dick. You gave him kitten licks on his tip, licking away any pre-cum. He growled at the teasing, “C'mon.” his hand caressingyour cheeks. You smiled as you quickly put your mouth around the tip and bobbed your head up and down.

His tip hits the back of your throat every time. Satoru’s hand pushed your head down so he could feel you deep-throat him, “Fuuucckk, just like that.” You pulled your head back with an angry expression. “Nobody likes a head pusher.”, You glared at him. “Nobody likes a fucking teaser.” He mumbled. You laughed at his audacity as if he was the one in control. You slipped off your underwear and climbed on top of him. Letting him slide in slowly, inch by inch. You threw your head backward, rolling your neck. Low moans escaped your mouth as you felt his hips grinning against yours. “Go faster.” His tone completely shifted from whiny and desperate to frustration. He wanted more, He needed more. It wasn’t enough for him. You looked so pretty going up and down on him. His eyes watched your body lift itself off of him and right back down. Your nails dug holes in his chest, “That fuckin’ hurts Y/n.” He gave you a sadistic smile as he dug his nails into your hips. You shrieked in pain. You could quite literally feel his nails penetrate your skin. That didn’t stop you though, you couldn’t care less about anything other than cumming. Your mind became foggy and filled with a certain haze. “Mm. Keep going. Dnt stop.”, Those words left Satoru’s mouth, his thrusts were sloppy and no longer had rhythm. His fingers found their way to your clit and played with you to make sure you came before him. Your moans filled the room as you were so close. You stopped as you finally reached the bliss you been begging for, panting heavily trying to regain the breath you once had. The feeling of warm liquid filling you was a slap in the face. You soon realized you didn’t use protection. You looked down at Satoru whose eyes were closed with a smile of his face. “Oops, m’sorry i’ll get you a Plan B in the morning.” His hand gripped your ass while you sat there in disbelief. How could you fuck up this bad? You smiled as you seen him cover his face once again, “Don’t worry about it. I have some in the bathroom.”. You got off of him and made your way to the bathroom.

When you came back you saw sleeping Satoru, under your sheets wrapped around your blanket. It was a cute sight to see him so vulnerable, you were about to fuck up his life. You crawled into bed next to him, cuddling him. He turned around and placed his head between your breast, his arm wrapped around your lower back pulling you close. You took out your phone and took a couple of pictures. This bitch was gonna know “Fuck my man, I fuck your brother.”. You unblocked her number to send her a little treat. “When Satoru comes home tomorrow tell him I had a wonderful time. (3 attachments sent).”.

You turned off your phone and cuddled the sleeping boy, kissing his forehead and cheeks. “Mm, she's gonna fuck you up when you get home.” You whispered in his ear. His phone was soon blowing up, From his mom and sister. “I don't care, you don't know how long I've been waiting to fuck you.” He muttered under his breath. You laughed, He wasn’t going anywhere. Not just yet.

[vendetta-if]

hullo, hullo! i sent an ask the other day but i’m not sure it got through to you😔. i’ll type it again for you <33

i love, love, love your if. the characters are perfectly fleshed out and the lore and story are just- mwah. perfection. but. butt(see what i did there? ;3c). take care of yourself. i keep getting surprised at how quickly you keep posting updates (at least that’s what it feels like to me. i have school and stuff so homework is taking up a lot of my free time🙃). take breaks, get enough sleep, don’t skip meals, and look at cat memes (cats are superior). also take care of your hands. i write as a hobby so i know the pain of sore hands. with the amount of words you type/write, my hands are crying out for yours. take breaks when your hands start to hurt so nothing bad happens to them.

anyways (onto the actually ask part of this. sorry for the long lecture lol), i was wondering how would the ROs react to an MC that sang as a side hustle (i’m in my schools choir. our concert was tonight). would they go to MCs impromptu concerts (they may sing in bars or cafes, etc.) or wait for MC to get home and request a lullaby or something? (idk if i explained that well. i’m terrible at explaining things😭)

have a lovely day/night!❤️❤️

Oh, yes, I actually have your ask in my drafts as I was in the middle of answering it 😄 But it’s okay, I’ll move the answers to this one instead 🥰 First of all, thank you so much for the kind words and the concern 😊

Some days, I can be really busy with some irl stuff, but I spent most of my free time working on this project, including writing the main story, side stories and other exclusive contents. I tried to answer asks whenever I can, but as some of you can probably see, it’s getting harder to find enough slivers of my free time to answer a lot of asks everyday, unfortunately.

But if I happen to have extra time, I’ll try answering a bunch of asks—as many as I could—in one sitting 😄 I’m still sad tho because I have so many awesome asks that I couldn’t get to, especially the reactions one because those usually take some time to answer.

I’ve also heard about the hand pain before from writers and artists. Right now, I haven’t felt anything yet, but thank you so much for the concern and for reminding me. I’ll certainly be on a lookout for that 🥰 And, I hope the school choir concert went great ☺️

As for your question…

Ash

Oh, MC better let them know whenever they’re about to have a performance, because you bet your ass they’ll be there every time. Unless they have really important mission to do that nobody else can do or be trusted to do… Then they’ll be really grumpy the whole time until they get home. Maybe your MC can give them a private performance instead 🥰

Rin

They will try their best to be there in every single one, even if MC is performing in a less-than-fancy cafe 😆 They’ll love to listen to MC singing and they kinda regret not finishing their piano lesson with their mom years ago, because then, they would be able to accompany MC’s singing. If they miss any, they’ll most likely request MC to sing to them at home if they don’t mind, of course 🥹

Santana

Oh, they’ll be there—or try their very best to be there. As long as there’s no emergency for them to attend, they’ll even be willing to sneak out of the station to go watch MC 😂 Between mind-numbing paperwork and enjoying MC’s singing, there’s no doubt which one they will pick every time. Also, MC’s singing will be one of the most effective ways to get them to fall asleep and calm them down after a vivid nightmare 🥺

Skylar

Will be one of MC’s biggest fans, rivalling Ash 🤣 Will try to attend every single one and you bet they’ll be that kind of fan who claps and whoops shamelessly after each song or try to sing along 💀 If MC doesn’t mind, they’ll love to record parts of MC singing and upload them to their Facegram story or TokTik account 😂 Soon, MC will be famous.

[astralc4t]

i forgor to post this here but

IM MAKING A WEBSITE FOR MY SILLY DEMON CAT STORY!!!

(if u see this and don’t know about my story but want to learn about it i’ll make a separate post talking about what it’s about and stuff :3)

the website will include some or all of the first book (haven’t yet decided if i’ll post the first few chapters sooner or wait until its editing is all done and post it all at once), a page talking all about the species, a page with character bios and pixel art of their designs, and a page detailing the background of the story!!

i still need to figure out if i’ll upload using a schedule for books 2-7 as bc of school and other things idk how often i can work on it (and because i always edit chapters and change my mind 1487474633258 times before ever being satisfied with something xD)

When the website’s done I’ll post a link of it here and on my tiktok account ^_^

Anyways here’s a silly drawing i made that took me 4 hours while procrastinating on the couple pixel art drawings i still need to make that would literally only take me like 15 minutes each but for some reason i only felt like doing this :3

[frostmoths]

Might regret posting this. cw alcohol, suicide ideation

Let me preface by saying I wrote this, and a much more emo version before, over the course of a week, and I’m feeling a little better now. It comes and goes. It's everything I’ve been handling since late May, and I want to open up about it.

I have extreme depression and recent happenings have tipped the scale to make me nearly non-functional. I started therapy and medication a year ago because of the world’s most passive-aggressive rejection. I’m way worse now. I’m on my third med and if what happened Sunday (I was very ill) was a side effect, I’m going to have to quit it too. I don’t believe in antidepressants as a cure-all and I’ve only been conceding because I’m tired of wanting to lay down and die. Not kms necessarily, just stop hurting. Though I’ve got like 10 bottles of various prescription insomnia meds which don’t do any good on their own, so maybe if I take them all at once

One weeknight in early June I tried to drink myself to passing out and forgetting what broke my heart. Instead I threw up and went to work the next day hung over. And it was an embarrassingly small amount to drink. Just that it was cheap and I had it on an empty stomach because I was too enraged to make dinner. I haven’t had alcohol since. I dumped out what was left. 

My idiot father, who has dementia, has taken to dragging his guns around everywhere because he’s paranoid they’ll be stolen, and gets angry if he's confronted about it. I’ve alerted several authorities but unless my mother complies, nothing will be done. She won’t because she’s also insane. In May I had a full nervous breakdown expecting me or my cats to get murdered. It was probably the breaking point for my short-lived girlfriend dumping me two days later. Once again my shitty family has ruined any chance of happiness for me. 

When I saw a pistol on his chairside table the other day, instead of blind panic, I felt nothing. I kind of hoped it was loaded and he’d do it, so everything would stop.

My new house is a shitshow and I got ripped off. I have approximately 6 hours a week to work on it and zero help so I’m still not moved in. At this point I hope to sell it after a couple of years of improvements (if I can afford them), get my money back, then maybe flee this godforsaken country and go live in the mountains in. Fucking Iceland. idk. My mother promised assistance for certain things and took it back because that’s what she does. I’m about ready to cut her out of my life.

I can barely eat without getting sick in one way or another. I no longer enjoy things like cooking, EDM, watching anime, and, worst of all, writing. Last month I started poking at [redacted]’s outline as a way to keep my head above water, only to realize it’s way more vague than I remember and that some parts make no damn sense. This is a thing I’ve been bragging about for 3 years as proof that I know what I’m doing, so I feel like a fool. I deleted everything I ever posted about it on my sideblog. I’m tempted to wipe what’s started off AO3. Tempted to delete the entire account tbh, too many memories which are too raw right now. I’m not a skilled writer and the pros (plural) were right to call me out on it last year. And this has been the one thing about myself I was confident in my entire life, that I was banking on making a career now that I finally, finally have my own house with peace and quiet, and now I can see I was fucking delusional. I give up.

My therapist says I have trauma and that I never healed from what happened in 2020 (not Covid-related). I can only see her every 5-6 weeks because she’s that booked. She said she argued with administration because she can't focus on her current patients but they keep throwing new ones at her. Kind of like my job. Everyone everywhere is overworked.

To cope I’ve been indulging in something that’s frowned upon — not a substance abuse thing, but an ethical thing? I guess? Among creatives. I don’t care because it helps me. My psych and my therapist both told me to seek supplemental therapy in between appointments. I think they had something more like b*tterh*lp in mind, but that’s a proven pyramid scheme so lol no thanks. Psychology books and imaginary friends it is.

My employer is closed today and tomorrow for the holiday, and I’m on vacation next week. Much-needed extended time off for me. If I don’t make headway on the house then I don’t know what. I didn’t want to spend my one week off a year moving in the middle of fucking summer during the worst heat on record. At one point I had much more pleasant plans but that’s no longer happening and I can’t think about it. I can’t, but I still do. 

I wanted this house to be my success story. Having worked hard, she rescued herself, escaped her toxic family with her fur sons and flourished creatively, healthfully, and romantically. All was well. The reality is that I was likely conned as a first-time single homebuyer and I'm so mentally ill now that I may not be able to meet the demands of maintaining a 70 year old house with nonworking appliances I can't afford to replace, let alone my own well-being. How did I get myself into this. 

There's one last-ditch effort I can make to pull myself through, but not properly until I move. It sounds like a lame excuse and it probably is, but whatever. Better later than never. However, I tried this last fall, went too hard too fast and burned out after 4 months. I threw a lot of money away doing it. I keep hearing push yourself, go intense, you'll never get there with baby steps but I also think you have to take baby steps if you're starting from zero because otherwise you'll burn out? I'm so tired of conflicting information everywhere. One tells me one thing, another says that's wrong. I can't trust anyone. 

There are a couple of other things I’m looking forward to trying more than exercise. Which are probably less healthy for me. Who is going to stop me. hashtag yolo

I keep telling myself it won’t be this way forever. Just like summer. It comes around once a year, it feels like death, and then there’s relief. But it’ll happen again and again. Just like summer. You have to adapt.

I'm glad pride month is over. I don't know what I'm supposed to be so proud of.

[shadowfromthestarlight]

self-pity party:

i don’t have it in me to celebrate or even be a remotely pleasant person right now. i had a cold starting on december 11th, which never progressed into anything worse but never entirely went away, then i must have caught something on the way to florida on the 23rd, because on christmas day i came down with what felt like a cross between covid and strep throat (maybe it was lol; i didn’t test). eating and drinking became a chore because of my swollen lymph nodes. my whole body hurt. i got a plush toy to remind me of my cat because i wished i could have my cat to cuddle with. the sore throat and aches gave way to a massive sinus infection. on wednesday morning, everything just started coming out. i had to work, but i also had to blow my nose every couple of minutes. falling asleep was hard because it was hard to breathe from the congestion. normal cold & flu medicine didn’t help. by friday night, i’d lost my voice. saturday morning, my eye hurt and there was never-ending green gunk coming out, my voice hadn’t improved, the congestion hadn’t improved, the sinus pressure was barely tolerable.

i spent the last day of 2022 feeling the worst i’d felt all year, unable to speak in anything above a hoarse whisper, a never-ending headache and pain all over my face, my eye clogged with goop, weak and fatigued from days of illness. i spent three hours of the afternoon waiting to get prescribed antibiotics at an urgent care. my head throbbed more and more as the night wore on. i was in so much pain and discomfort and frustration from being sick for three weeks and all-around misery that i wished i was a child so it would be okay to fall on the floor and scream. i watched the fireworks (at least 2 dozen displays) from the balcony and kissed my plush toy and went to bed. 

medicine and sleep marginally improved things; i can now think without a pounding headache and my eye isn’t oozing every minute. i might be able to travel home without people freaking out because i look like i’m patient zero for the next pandemic. i can still barely talk. i woke up coughing from post-nasal drip. i’m so over it. i’m over being asked how i feel, i’m over being told what to do to feel better, i’m over being asked if i’ve taken my medicine, in fact i would like to not be spoken to at all. i just want to go home, pull the covers over my face, and hide in the dark with my cat.

[i don’t even feel happy about the new year; i actually feel nothing much at all. i had never looked forward to 2023 anyway because i didn’t like the number. besides, from a global standpoint, it’s going to suck. we have possibly the greatest concentration of “leaders” who don’t know how to lead in human history. they’re all either weak-willed, stupid, or just plain psychopathic. there will be zero accountability for the people who just from a moral standpoint deserve to be hanged for crimes against humanity over the past three years. they’ll just come up with creative new ways to abuse us. can’t wait to see what the next annual propaganda campaign is!]

i feel awful because i’m a walker and a hiker and a step counter and i’ve barely been able to do anything for days. i haven’t had 10K steps since the 22nd. i’ve had one meal i would consider satisfying in the entire past week. i look scrawny. i have to do a lot in january to make up for it, but right now, instead of excited, i just feel exhausted.  

i think i’m gonna try crying and see if that helps get more... you know... out. 

happy new year same shit, different digits. enjoy it while you can, before WWIII hits. 

i might be back in a few days. idk.

[myelocin]

Words | Kuroo Tetsurou

So hello this is my first post and I overdid it, it was meant to be like 200 words lmao but mans had me in my feelings. 

Hope to write more! Happy reading

WC: 1.7k

Pairing: Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader

Warnings: idk about mentions of parent not present?? idk kinda made it a lil personal but it’s not angst i swear

Genre: FLUFF

-

Kuroo Tetsurou considered himself to be a man of many words. For the longest time he just knew exactly what to say. From his days as a child in his youth, he knew what words to say when he wanted to make Kenma feel motivated. He knew the exact words to string together to get his father to let him have just one more scoop of ice cream for dessert. He was wise with the things he’d say in his days as a captain to his volleyball team that did just the trick to motivate them into taking the set back or winning the game. He was smooth with words, the right sentences always stringing together at the tip of his tongue for that promotion he was aiming for. 

 He knew he was in for a ride when he was reduced into a bumbling mess the second he tried to ask for your number. His stride was confident and his intentions were clear as day.  He was going to ask how your day was doing and then ask for your number. Simple as that. So how could the Kuroo Tetsurou, the most suave man you knew give you the most heart stopping glance and utter out, “How’s your number?” 

 You looked at him and he looked at you. He held his phone out simultaneously as he said it which made the situation a little bit embarrassing, on his end at least.  

“Shit.”  Though, he somehow felt better when you laughed instead of reacting differently. He felt extremely better when you grabbed his phone and entered your number. 

“My day is going well, by the way.” You said as you handed him back his phone. By this time he had well gathered his composure before replying, “That was part of the plan, just to let you know.”

You laughed, “If that makes you feel better, let’s go with that.” He responded by grinning even wider.

-

He thought this wasn’t just the cliche situation where he found himself utterly speechless within your presence because throughout the years he had so much to say. Or just thought of, for the matter.

In the autumn of 2018 where you first moved in together he had so much to say about how this was a milestone in your relationship and that he cannot wait to spend the rest of his days laying and waking up next to you-- but he glanced at you, cheeks red from the cooler wind, one sleeve of your cardigan slipping down, and your fingers drumming against the table where you sat and decided where to put the framed picture of the both of you his words were reduced to the thought that he was home.

In quiet mornings where he’d wake up first and feel you roll over to him and bury yourself in the mass of blankets you’ve gathered throughout the night, his hand itched to write all the adjectives attributed to beautiful, but as you woke up, overgrown bangs messy from moving around, and sleepy smiles stretching against your lips, all he could feel was how warm he was.

You’d constantly ask him where his sharp tongue went. You always found it interesting how a man who could describe the most intricate details retreat in silence when it came to moments when it was just you and him. 

You were standing next to him, slicing the vegetables, as he stood next to you stirring the pot. “How come you’re not using pretty words anymore?”

He scooped a bit of the liquid, blew on it and pushed it towards you, “Taste it.” You leaned forward and sipped, “And pretty words? I still use pretty words, baby.”

“You asked me how was my number.” You deadpanned. “Also, needs more salt.”

He puffed his cheeks and grabbed the salt shaker adding a bit into the pot, “I told you that was on purpose. I wanted to win you over by humor and it worked!”

You smirked and pointed to his  gudetama apron, the one he grabbed because he was absolutely positive it was the one with the periodic table “Like how you bought that on purpose?”

“Oi.”

-

Kuroo Tetsurou swore to heaven and back that he was one smooth son of a bitch. To prove it he didn’t even write down his vows. He was sure he would find the right words to say in the moment. Also, he thought it would be nice if what you heard from him would be as unfiltered as it could get. He could only hope it was smooth too.

He saw the wedding coordinator signal him all the way from the back. He took a deep breath and fiddled with his tie. He looked around and smiled. You both had chosen well. A quaint ceremony on the shores of a quiet island, An arch of flowers in every shade of lilac, pastel yellow, and succulents with him standing at the end of the aisle. He was barefoot, tan slacks slightly rolled up for him to comfortably feel the sand.

Ah, what should I say.

He looked at the entourage slowly coming down the aisle and taking their seats. Kenma took his place as the best man and reached up to pat Kuroo’s shoulder and sent him a smile.

His heart fluttered and he sucked in a breath and looked up. The divinities must have been rejoicing with him because they painted the skies in swirls of tender crimson and soft oranges.

The fairy lights around the mass twinkled in soft yellow. The breeze felt nice.

This is it. I still don’t know what to say.

The slight woosh of the water against sand melted beautifully into the first notes of the song Words, by the Bee Gees as it began to play. An old song he knew your late mother had loved, and in turn you too.

He looked forward as you appeared at the foot of the aisle. You with your kind smile and twinkling eyes. Beautiful.

You snuck a wave at him and signaled for him to wait right there. His grin stretched further as he sent you a wink of his own. You giggled and then he was breathless.

You started walking towards him, the ends of your dress kissing the sand and locked your eyes to his golden ones.

Kuroo thought this was a déjà vu moment of some sort. All of a sudden he was back in the kitchen of the apartment the two of you shared, picture frames of the two of you finally up, and dishes put away. You had told him about the song Words by the Bee Gees and so he grabbed your hand and lead you into the middle of the room slow dancing to the song that brought you the greatest comfort. Kuroo silently watched you hum along to the lyrics and thought you were beautiful. In his mind, he was writing, and re writing over and over again the things he thought about you which was the most beautiful.  

You caught him in his trance and tapped his cheek. “Why are you so smiley, Tetsu?”

“Marry me.”

You buried yourself into his arms and hid your face into his chest. He pulled you tighter against him and continued swaying along to the music.

For a second your heart felt so full, then the next tears were blurring your eyes before sliding down your cheeks. “Where’s my ring, you weirdo?”

You could feel the echo of his laugh against chest as you felt his wet cheek press against your head. His voice sounded muffled and weird, but you felt it. You felt it even if your heart was full.

“Coming right up, baby.”

He held his breath as you finally made it in front of him. He took your hands in his. The song was still playing. Bokuto was probably the one crying and Aakashi was probably the one shushing him. Kuroo didn’t care. All he saw was you. You.

You looked up into the sky as he saw you close your eyes for a brief moment. He knew you were thinking of your mother so he squeezed your hands lightly in his. You looked at him, eyes brimming with love so unspoken yet so heard that he bit his cheek and felt the gentle sting in his eyes.

God, this is really happening. I look so uncool right now.

He always thought weddings happened fairly quickly. But since this was his first and only time standing in this position, he never thought time would slow enough for him to be hyper aware of the thoughts running through his head.

You look so beautiful. How did you pick that dress? It looks so good. Oh my God I’m gonna have children with you. I’m gonna wake up next to you for the rest of my life!!! I get to taste your cooking and give you kisses and shit in the kitchen. I have someone to come home to plus the cats. Thank you for feeding them by the way. My family loves you so much and Kenma even lets you use his league account to play. God this is insane. The flowers look so beautiful with you. This is perfect. This is amazing. This is-

“I love you.”

Your eyes widened at him, and then you smiled, “We haven’t started with the vows yet, Tetsu.”

He looked at you, as surprised as you are, then his eyes softened. “I love you.”

Kuroo Tetsurou was a man of many words, but you learned his love for you was found in the words that had been unspoken. Though it didn’t matter, because you felt it every single time. In every word that he stumbled with, every kiss to the forehead, every snarky remark that you both laugh at anyway, every good morning and goodnight, every squeeze of the hand, and every single time he looked at you.

Your eyes glazed as you looked at him. And in that miniscule, quiet moment you two shared, you let yourself look at him in your own way where he just knew you said your I love you, too.

[merskrat]

I’m literally living in such a state of anticipation just waiting to see what is going to come of this situation with my dad. He asked me to reach out to my brother, who is 16, and made it sound like everyone in the family has ignored him and that’s the reason he doesn’t want to visit us anymore. That didn’t really ring true to me, because I know that once my grandmother had to physically take his tablet away from him and force him to come out of his room just to get him to interact with the family just the smallest amount. I talked to my cousin, who I would trust with my life, about it and what he said basically boiled down to “I have been trying to befriend him for literal years, but he is so rude and so uninterested in doing anything other than playing games on his tablet that I gave up a long time ago.” I guess once my grandfather asked him if he wanted to help him feed the birds and my brother was like “why would I want to do that?” I emailed my dad because I didn’t want to get emotional about this over the phone, and told him about how blatantly disrespectful my brother is to all of us and how confused I was that he had been raised so differently than me—allowed to completely isolate himself by staring at a screen all day when I wasn’t even allowed to have a gameboy and was allowed about three hours of computer time a week. My brother has never been made to leave his (very narrow) comfort zone like I was. I performed musically, took sailing lessons, horseback riding lessons, etc. I was not given the option to back out of these activities even if I had wanted to, and I am a better person for not being allowed to isolate myself in my room reading books.

This made me delve into my stepmother and her emotional abuse, how I feel that she has turned my brother against our family because that is what she tried to do with me when I was a kid. I remember finally getting really upset about what she was saying about my grandparents and her response was that she “should have known I wasn’t mature enough for adult conversations.” A LOT of repressed memories are coming to the surface. How she said that my sister was going to be a trophy wife when she grew up...she was five. How she got so angry when I threw up during Sunday school once, even though it was in the bathroom, and I cleaned it up and went back to she wouldn’t miss the service. How when I asked her, in tears, for help with my OCD and she called me a hypochondriac and a liar and told me to go to my room. I guess the reason she “knew” I was lying is because once I complained about chest pain and when a doctor listened to my heart and said nothing was wrong they just...never followed up. Now I recognize that I was having chest pain from anxiety. I told my dad about how my basic needs were not being met when he was away during the week working. My stepmother never gave me lunch money, and if she did it was never more than a dollar left on the table, and I wasn’t allowed to wake her up in the morning under any circumstances. My friends had to buy me food and generally took turns getting me lunch, until the principal caught on and asked me if everything was ok at home. I lied to cover for her because I knew that I would be in trouble if the school called. She adopted me when I was ten, but would only be in my life for three more years after that. Everything was fine between us the summer after eighth grade and I happily went to the island to stay with my grandparents for the summer and to see my friends. My dad went back up for the weekend like he always did, and found that my stepmom had taken her car, the cats, all of her stuff, and my infant brother half way across the country to Minnesota. So he went, trying to save his marriage, and I stayed, honestly happy to be left behind and not having to be the new kid two years in a row. She completely cut off contact with me.

I also told my dad about the blog post I found later that year, written by her and read by many people in the community in which I lived, about how difficult it was for her to have a mentally ill daughter. I find it really interesting that my brother is so mentally ill that he can barely function, but she has not taken to the Internet to make his mental illnesses known to his community and to try to garner sympathy. I asked him to please imagine for a second how that made me feel to find that and read it.

It seemed incredibly obvious to everyone in our family that once she had her own biological child that she didn’t feel the need to continue to have a relationship with the adopted one, and even maybe that she manipulated the situation to make sure that it would just be the three of them from that point on. My brother was only a year old when she took off, and she left less than a week after I went to the island. As a child I didn’t want to say this out loud to anyone. I didn’t want to risk sounding jealous, insecure, immature, etc. But as an adult I don’t mind saying it, because that’s what happened. It honestly just shows how truly manipulated my thoughts were, to the point that I didn’t even want to acknowledge the reality of the situation, for fear of it being spun to make *me* look bad/more mentally ill.

He has said that both of them are waiting for me to make the first move in reestablishing a relationship. He said that my brother doesn’t want to switch rooms in their house because of the mural I painted on his wall. I reminded him that she has always been the one who established whether or not a relationship existed. At the end of what basically ended up being a manifesto of all of the ways she had torn our family apart, I said that I might be willing to reestablish contact with her if she started to take accountability and go to therapy. I also said that I would try to reach out to my brother but that it might be difficult for us to have a connection because he is almost an adult, is set in his habits, and if I’m right, she has been filling his head with awful things about our family like she did with me when I was a child, the only difference being that he has been under her influence for much longer and that she actually was able to isolate him from us, and use emotional incest to manipulate him into believing whatever she wanted him to believe (I did not use that term in the email to my dad because I know it would immediately make him, or anyone really, defensive because of how disgusting it sounds.)

My dad couldn’t email me back from his tablet but texted me what basically amounted to “I’m sorry I haven’t been a better parent. You have given me a lot to think about.” I have never felt so awful and so validated at the same time. He probably went back to their house from the island (where he works) last night, and I’m just wondering what is going to happen, if she is going to manage to manipulate her way out of any responsibility once again. My grandmother warned me not to criticize my brother if I cared about my relationship with my dad. I really felt all of this needed to be said though. My dad is away from his son during the week, so god only knows what she says and does during all that time that he is away. When he used to bring my brother to the island, he would bring him during the week and go to work, so he has no idea of how my brother interacts/doesn’t interact with us. I don’t know, I don’t know how she could spin any of this to make herself look good.

I told him, “I want you to be happy,” and he responded “I’m happy that you’re doing so well.” Idk, that kind of just broke my heart because it sounds like he just feels that happiness is off the table for him at this point. Every time we talk he’s like “I wanted to go do x but your mother and brother don’t want to, so we’re not.” And it just makes me sad af because I remember how much fun we used to have going to Maine, the Renaissance fair, tours of caverns, the beach, etc, and his wife and child would rather stare at a screen than go do something fun with him. Like we didn’t have a ton of money growing up and I’m sure they still don’t, but what money my dad did make he spent on experiences for us as a family.

So yeah...just waiting to see what’s gonna happen now.

[purplesurveys]

1062

survey by chrissylee22dc

A

Achievements: I guess I’m being asked to list some of mine...some of the ones I’m proudest of, at least, are graduating university with honors, landing a job (liking it is a big bonus), and taking up leadership positions.

Age: I am 22, but never felt quite like it.

Are you planning something right now? Kind of. I’m eyeing a long road trip to Tanay with just myself and go to one of their coffee shops, but idk when I’ll be able to do that. My wallet and bank account are still beat from Christmas lol (and until now I’m still buying gifts for friends), so it might have to wait until sometime next month.

Arizona or Alaska: I think Arizona weather is already quite like ours here, so I might enjoy Alaska a bit (if not a lot) more. There’s generally a lot more factors I find interesting with Alaska, like their food.

B

Birthdate: April 21st.

Build: I’m quite thin and underweight, but I actually recently made plans to start working out - both to make an effort to be healthy with myself, and also to feel good post-breakup. I’m hoping to see some changes in my body and build in the coming months.

Babies, do you have any? None of those, not sure if that’s still the plan for me.

Blonde or Brunette: Brunette.

C

Childhood sweetheart: Erm, does Gab count? We technically weren’t kids anymore when we first got together. I wasn’t attracted to anyone as a kid and was more concerned with growing my Pokemon pogs collection.

Current mood: I’m hungry and can go for savory breakfast foods right now, like shakshuka or huevos rancheros. Also a little anxious because I really don’t want to think about work, but tasks continue to pile up for a certain client.

Children, are there more in your future? There aren’t even any to begin with.

Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi just because it reminds me of Punk and my chaotic wrestling fangirl years.

D

Dad's name: Edgardo, but no one calls him by that full name. He has two nicknames; one of which he hates and only family and friends use, and the other is the name he has permanently introduced himself as in his workplace.

Dating anyone: Not anymore.

Do you plan on having lots of money? Don’t most people?

Dogs or cats: Dogs.

E

Elementary School: I’m not sharing that.

Eye color: Dark brown/black.

Ever going to China? Probably not right now considering the present situation. I’d love to go to the rural cities and have a peek into their country life.

Early or Late: EARLY. Lateness is a big pet peeve, unless the excuse is super reasonable like Manila traffic or a car accident.

F

First Crush: The first person I felt remotely attractive to was Andi, from 6th grade. Then she moved to New Zealand and the crush quickly faded out.

Fears: For concrete things, I hate cockroaches and fair rides. For bigger concepts, I fear getting left behind, failing, and not getting approval, and the idea of never being satisfied or happy with who I am, what I’ve done, or where I’ve gone.

Future goals: Have a place of my own, be able to sustain myself, and keep myself alive.

Funny or Serious: I think everyone has to have both sides. I wouldn’t want to hang out long with people who can’t be sat down to just shoot the shit with conversations that go a little deeper. At the same time, I’d be quickly bored with someone who talks about existential or philosophical topics 24/7 and takes everything seriously.

G

Grandparent's names: On my dad’s side, Dolores and Federico; on my mom’s side, Agnes and Jun. My maternal grandpa is the third in multiple generations of Abelardos in the family, but his nickname is simply ‘Jun,’ because Philippines.

GPA: We don’t measure our grades with that, but we do have a GWA; I’m just not sure how that can be converted to GPA. Mine was in the 1.47 range, which was good enough for cum laude honors. I barely missed out on a magna cum laude honor (which required a 1.45 GWA), so that’s something I’ve always been pressed about and I know I could have clinched it if the pandemic didn’t cancel my final semester, which would’ve given me the chance to pull up my grades.

Going anywhere this weekend? I don’t think so. I want to spend the remaining 5 days of my break completely unproductively.

Giver or Taker: Giver. I like pleasing people.

H

High School: I attended one school from kindergarten to high school.

Hair color: Black.

Hate anyone for life? I don’t think so. I dislike some people, but I can’t tell if I’ll feel that way for the rest of my life.

Hairspray or Gel: When I’m going somewhere or attending something fancy, I use hair gel to hold my hair down.

I

In 8th grade, who was your best friend? Eighth grade is freshman year of high school, right? In that case, my best friend was Gabie.

Is ignorance bliss? Sometimes it is. I like no longer being updated about Gabie’s life. Back when I still tried to push my way in, I was miserable. I stopped doing so over the holidays and I just stopped reaching out, stopped trying to communicate, everything. I’ve been a lot happier that way.

Is there anything you wanna share? That’s kinda the goal with every survey I take.

Ice Cream or Cake: Right now, maybe ice cream. I’m very picky about cake, and I don’t like the spongy ones aka most cakes I know.

J

Jumped rope for fun: That’s exactly what I use jump ropes for. I don’t think I ever used it for fitness or working out except for maybe PE.

Junk around you right now? I mean, not really. I have my embroidery stuff in a pile beside me, but I don’t consider them junk.

Joining anything anytime soon? Not planning on it. I briefly considered joining a gym as a new thing to do for 2021, but in the end I figured working out at home would be enough. Angela recommended the latter as well, so that’s how I abandoned my gym plans quickly haha.

January or July: I guess July? January always feels just a teeny bit stranger than other months, considering it’s the beginning of a new year.

K

Killed anyone: ...This serious?

Keeping a secret? I keep different secrets from different people.

Kicking someone off your top friends today? I don’t think that’s a thing anymore. Hasn’t been for a while.

Kiwi or Apple: Apple, just because I’ve never had the chance to taste kiwi.

L

Lost anyone close to you: I’ve lived 22 years, of course I have. I’d be very surprised if someone has lived that long but has never experienced losing people, whether from a fallout, from death, etc. Just this year alone I lost a great-aunt on my maternal grandpa’s side, and a ton of relatives from my maternal grandma’s side.

Last kiss, when and who: Gabie, three months ago.

List 3 people that you'll love forever: I can only think of Angela. And of course, Gab.

Lover or Fighter: Fighter, I suppose. I can be relentless. Right now with my breakup has been the only time I allowed myself to take a step back and not forcibly take things under my control for once.

M

Middle School: We don’t follow the concept of middle school here. The levels in middle school fall under elementary school as well.

Marital Status: Single.

Mom's name: Abigail.

Music or TV: TV.

N

Northernmost state you've been to: Batanes, which is as northernmost as northernmost gets in the Philippines.

Nickname: A lot of family members call me Byn, but for the most part Robyn has always been my main nickname.

Name your future boy and girl: I have yet to make up my mind about this.

Naughty or Nice: Nice. I never particularly feel ~naughty, and since the breakup I especially haven’t felt the need to be sexual.

O

Opened a piece of mail that wasn't yours? Sometimes I’ll open the electricity or water bill addressed to my parents out of curiosity just to find out how much we consumed in the last month. But nothing more than that.

Occupation: I’m an associate at a PR agency.

Owe anyone money: Nope.

Outgoing or Shy: Shy at first but I can get outgoing once I’ve warmed up to a person/situation.

P

Place you most want to be? Right now? I’d love to be at a coffee shop or bar at a higher altitude, with a view of the city. I used to go to a lot of these before the pandemic hit, but now I’m thinking of doing it again.

Purposely destroyed someone’s life? No.

Planning a major trip? Not really. Most tourist spots require swab tests and I am not having anything go up my nose.

Pink or Black? Love both, but I like pink ever so slightly more.

Q

Quit a class: I’ve never dropped a class. I’ve wanted to, but there was so much paperwork to fill out to do so and I also didn’t want to be behind on my overall schedule.

Quickly...the first word to come to mind: Whistle, because the pink/black question reminded me of Blackpink.

Quitting your job soon? No lol I’m barely two months in.

Quiet or Loud: I can be both, but these days I’ve been quieter.

R

Riding in an airplane: I have no idea what this is asking.

Ride, tell me about yours: ^ Same.

Running for any political office in the future? No plans to.

Rain or Snow: I guess rain, since it’s the only one I’ve experienced.

S

Siblings names and ages: Nina is 20, my brother is 17.

Shoe size: I fit anywhere between a size 6 to 7.

Shave daily? It used to be daily, but I haven’t had the need to since the quarantine began.

Shower or Bath: Shower.

T

Turning 21 was (will be): It’s been a year since then.

Texas, ever been? No but I have relatives who live there, so it’s one of my choice states to visit and stay at if I ever plan to go to the US.

Think you'll live to be 100? I doubt it. I don’t have any relatives who lived until that age.

Tame or Wild: Idk, tame I guess?? I don’t know what this is asking.

U

Unique quality about you: I feel like this is a question best answered by other people who see and interact with me more than I do myself.

Underwear on? Yeah.

Under your bed lies: Large containers with all the magazines I collected from childhood that I can’t bring myself to throw out.

Under or Over: Idk, you have to be more specific.

V

Virgin? No.

Vacation time left? I have five days left, including today :( I plan to be the most unproductive or bum-y I’ve ever been, because I have no clue when I’ll have a break this long again.

Voting in the next Presidential election? Of course.

Volleyball or Swimming: I like swimming more, but I like watching volleyball.

W

Went white water rafting? I don’t think so, but I would give it a shot.

Wearing right now: A hoodie that’s around two sizes bigger for me.

Write a sentence about you: About anything? I’m a little upset with myself for having been a bit lousy with survey-taking during the holiday break. I planned on taking a lot to catch up on the ones I’ve missed out on, but so far I mostly take just one a day lol.

West Coast or East Coast: East.

X

X-Rays in the past month: 0.

X-Mas plans: Had a get-together with my mom’s side of the family on the 24th; we hosted our own Christmas party on the 25th; and we visited my dad’s side of the family on the 26th.

X, does it mark the spot? Idk.

X-Tina or Britney? Britney.

Y

You lost "it" when? I mean, I’ve had more than one moment where I freaked out...

Your favorite song:  I’m really in love with Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House. My favorite songs come and go, but this one has been a constant.

Your favorite place on Earth: Sagada.

Yes or No: Idk. I’m not enjoying these vague ass questions.

Z

Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

Zodiac Sign: Idk, I’m still a Taurus.

Zippos are neat, agree? I don’t have an opinion.

Zoo or Circus: Neither.

[noblechaton]

happy new years dudes! 

this post is a sort of run down of my last year or so and rlly it’s just me rambling about my (sometimes gross, warning to all gross-haters out there (like me)) health issues so feel free to look past this

2020 was probably the single hardest most stressful year of my entire life so far and while some reasons are uh. kinda obvious. it sort of especially crunched down on me as it was the first year of my life where I had a persistent health problem for the entire duration

back near the end of 2019 (october 19th I think) I noticed this weird pain in my chest and it scared the heck outta me when it didn’t go away after a few days so I managed to get to go to the doctor for the first time in maybe an actual decade? to try and sort it out bc like on one hand my habits were(/are) bad and the day beforehand I’d been running on a horrid amount of sleep and my only food was bad fast food stuff for breakfast and dinner

anyway the appointments started coming after that as test after test cleared me of. well. anything. there wasn’t really anything weird found after a stress test or uh. this one test where they ran a wand over my body with some goo on it. idk what its called

so naturally I was really just totally lost bc the pain was still there up until around late january?? I think? my memory gets a bit hazy here bc so much had happened but I’m pretty sure that shortly after it faded away (mid february-ish?) I felt normal-ish but then had this awful headache that just straight up wouldn’t go away that lasted a month or so that got so bad I broke down and begged for a hospital despite knowing my bill was outrageous already but I managed to go anyway and got a CAT scan then and an MRI a few days later that turned up nothing again. legit nothing (aside from a kidney stone lol) and just like the chest stuff it faded

some time after that I got really shaky aches and pain sin my wrists and ankles that hurt super bad that I sort of didn’t talk about but at that point at least it was something I could sort of cope with and it eventually stopped after a while (I think this was bc of an antidepressant I was on that I just. immediately stopped taking as a result of the pain) 

but eventually that gave way to what was the worst of it where I spent around 2 months being entirely unable to eat or drink /anything/. I mean anything at all. water of any sort, crackers, it all came back up and. really really sucked. I lost a lot of weight and struggled a lot and I still struggle to talk about this one bc it was so traumatic and I’m terrified of it coming back to this day (I still don’t eat or drink all the stuff I used to eat or drink and maybe never will. I almost entirely avoid dairy of all kinds now which might tie into my current problem??)

obviously I got multiple tests for this. two cameras down my tummy and an emptying study and all of which turned up.............nothing. nothing I didn’t already have anyway. nothing that could be causing it and then of course shortly after the last test, the one that I thought would definitively answer what was wrong with me,(the emptying one), I was so desperate for food that late one night I devoured some awful fried chicken from the grocery store in the middle of the night and fell asleep and the next day I could finally, thankfully sort of eat again. my dad cooked up salmon for me since it’d been in the freezer and I tried it and it mostly stayed down and then from there it stopped happening all together

this one still stresses me out and again I’m fucking terrified of it bc I still have no indication on what it is or was

but that brings me to the last month or two? (which is a good ~4-5 months? from that last thing I think. my perception of time is fucked and filled with me being pricked with fluids and stuff bleugh) which has been mostly this weird discomfort/pain in my left side that’s almost always there (but has faded sometimes) with the occasional awful discomfort uh. between my legs back there. and this awful burping habit where I taste the last thing I ate for a while

this one’s hard to pin down and I haven’t been to a doc for it (yet, I wanna go and get a colonoscopy and even asked about a stool test that one doc said no to?? and plus it’ll probably be even harder now than it was before) and I’ve been on various laxatives (started back when I wasn’t eating as not eating meant getting anything out was uh. difficult) that all sort of dipped in usefulness. lately I’ve been drinking a glass of prune juice every day or two and it seems to do the most help but it’s still there

now this is odd for me bc I’m not even sure I’ve been constipated or anything and there’s a few theories I’ve had that range from me having IBS to it being tied to my body recovering from 2-3 months of not eating or uh. removing waste. to suddenly doing it a lot (this is also my theory on the belching since my neck/throat used to hurt a shitload on account of all the acid and stuff coming back up but it’s sort of slowly felt less bad?). I also sometimes feel super zoned out and foggy but that might just be my bad sleeping

lately I’m sort of wondering if this is maybe all a neurological thing?? or maybe some sort of mental snap caused by stress from my life. it’s been hard for me to consider much else beyond a deep mental issue after so many tests ended up with good results

I’m not smart enough to know for sure but. idk. a year of nearly nonstop bodily pain no matter what I did (exercise, no exercise. eating better, eating worse, etc.) with every single possible test done beyond a select few providing no results has sort of left me as a terrified wreck without anywhere to turn and it just sucks. I’m tired of being so scared of my own body

and all of that on top of. y’know. everything going on in the world. it fucking sucks

last year was real fuckin bad man and I can only try and hope that this year gives myself and everyone else a reprieve at least. a moment to breathe and be consistently happy again. thank u guys for still hanging around me and enjoying the piddly amount of original content I put out. 

I wanna do more for this acc since it, and you guys, got me thru a lot of this last year or so (I even got to see Glaciator in the hospital once lol) and I intend to start streaming myself playing video games over on twitch more often but I can’t make any promises rn. all I can do is hope to continue putting out even the dumbest of posts that y’all might get even a tiny laugh out of

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #322

“you will hear it when your god cries  /  you will see it when the sun dies  /  upon the altars of change”

What is your favorite nickname that you’ve had? "Bee," from my old best friend. I don't want others calling me it, though. Where did you go on the best date you’ve been on? A big arcade. It was a super fun double-date. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No, and I don't want one. It'd be so awkward. What’s your favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate. What act would you be most likely to perform in a talent show? I got nothin'. If you had braces, do you wear your retainers still? I don't. If you had braces, have your teeth moved since you got them off? Yep, because of the whole "not wearing my retainer" thing. Whose was the first baby shower you remember attending, and for what baby? I'm unsure. Possibly my sister's for her first daughter. Do you know anyone personally who’s lost a child? Many people. When was the last time you did something that felt like rebellion? So every now and again, I get a massive craving for soda at night, so I grab one from the kitchen and can hear my sleeping mother rightfully nagging me about it, haha... What is one present you got for your last birthday? Ashley got me this really cool skull bank that says "tattoo fund" on it, aha. I love it. What is one thing that you took to show and tell as a kid? I have a clear memory of bringing a Snorlax plushie one day. Do you remember losing your first tooth? Not my first, no. Are you afraid to pop a balloon? Not really, but it's kinda easy to make me jump just a lil bit when one is popped. When was the last time you laughed when you shouldn’t have? I don't know. Which was better: the first The Lion King or the second? That is fucking HARD. I adore both, but I think the original is slightly better. Do any of your grandparents have a tattoo? I'm pretty sure none of them did. Do you believe that your pets feel love towards you? My cat, definitely. As for my snake, I'm aware that snakes' brains simply aren't developed enough for love, but she clearly trusts me. Are you proud of your body? Fuck no. I'm humiliated by it every waking moment. Watermelon or cherries? I don't like either, but if I had to pick, watermelon. Favourite brand of cookies? I don't really have a favorite brand. Have you ever stuck gum under a desk/chair? No, that shit grosses me out. When shopping at a grocery store, do you return your cart or just leave it? Return your goddamn cart. What is one thing you’d never want your parents to find out? Uhhhh. I guess places I've "done it." When you were little, did you like Dr. Suess books? I did. Do you like eating out at restaurants? Yeah; at least, before Covid. What was your least favorite year of your life so far? Fuck 2016 into the next millenium. Do you like fried bologna? I haven't had it in so long that I don't really remember the taste. I think I would. Have you spent money on a game online? Yeah, very briefly with WoW. Mom was nice enough to refresh my subscription after the breakup (Jason paid for it prior), but from then on, I was rich enough in-game to use monthly game tokens to "pay." Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. What about your "Z"s? Also yes. Do you like cold pizza? Yeah, yummy. Do you like broccoli and cheese? Yessss. Toaster or toaster oven? We've always used a toaster oven. What are you most known for? Being artsy, I guess. Do you have any reputations? What are they? *shrug* What was the last thing to leave you speechless? No clue. What is the curviest part of your body? Well, I'm overweight, so it's difficult to tell where I'm naturally curvy... but I guess my hips. Even when I was at a perfectly healthy weight though, I don't think I was exceptionally curvy anywhere. What is your opinion on sex change? You are entirely deserving to feel comfortable in your own body. If you’re still a virgin, how important is your virginity to you? I'm not, though I thought I was when we were together, when we were really just using a loophole. It was a denial thing BECAUSE my virginity was so important to me. If you have lost it already, do you regret it? No. Would you take a break after graduating from high school (like, postpone going to college for a year or so)? I didn't. What regret keeps coming back to haunt you daily? Things I said to Jason. If you could cure yourself of one allergy, what would it be? Pollen. Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? No. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yeah, my most recent niece I actually held. I don't THINK I held Aubree or Ryder as newborns because I was so afraid of not doing it right and hurting them. Do you know anyone who has twins? Yeah. Are you following in the career path of any family members? No. What is your favorite country in Europe? Germany. How many times have your comments been top comments on YouTube? A few times. I rarely ever comment, but if I do, it's because I feel like I really have something worth saying. Would you ever wear a wig? I'm not opposed to it. Do you like the moon or sun more? The moon. Do you like turkey or ham more? Ham. Have you ever slapped someone’s butt? Yes. Do you think dimples are ugly? I think they're cute, actually. Have you ever deleted Facebook friends for a significant other? No. Have you ever spent the night in jail? No. Do you consider yourself a good kisser? I assume I am from experiences. Do you watch Pewdiepie? Not anymore, no. His current content doesn't interest me. The most recent thing I watched was his playthrough of The Last of Us 2, because I adore the first game and definitely wanted to see him play the sequel. I think he's pretty funny and have no personal issues against him, though then again I am so uninvolved in the fandom that I have no idea if he's done something stupid again. Do you like "Despacito?" Haha, my mind went to The Dark Den's bearded dragon before the song... I'm not a fan of it, no. Did you ever color your hair pink? No, but I absolutely want to dye it pastel pink one day. :( I even edited a picture of me "testing" different hair colors out, and pastel pink looked suuuuper pretty. Do you drink energy drinks? No, they're too strong for my taste. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? I don't now how many I have, but I know it's below 100. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No, but I enjoy the franchise. I'm not totally clear on all the lore, though. Do you like religion? Quite honestly, no. Do you swear in front of children? No. What is the next craft you are going to make? There's no telling. I don't really do crafts. What was your favorite Backstreet Boys song? Maybe "The Call." Favorite *N Sync song? I don't remember enough of them, at least not right now. Which of those two bands did you like best? The BSB, baby. Do you learn choreography easily? When I danced, I'd say I learned at a fairly average pace. What’s your favorite candy to receive on Halloween? Reeseeeeeee's. <3 Do you have a bobblehead? No. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Have you ever been insulted or called names by a significant other? No. I wouldn't tolerate that shit. What’s your favorite movie battle scene? Oh man, idk. Maybe something from Troy, though I honestly barely even remember the movie by now, haha. Have you ever been to a same-sex wedding? No, actually. Who takes care of your pet(s) when you’re out of town? Hypothetically, one of my sisters would come to feed and water Roman and clean his box. I'm certain I couldn't talk either into spraying Venus' cage, though... What was the last thing you wrote down on paper? Some group work during therapy. Did you have a Walkman when you were a kid? No. What’s your favorite recipe you’ve come up with? Oh dear, I don't make those. Do you like celery? Yuck, no. By what age could you swallow pills? I dunno. A normal age. Do you like to drink alot of water? I need to drink more. :/ I've gotten better, though. For years, I literally never drank water. How I even survived, idk. How many times have you gone fishing? Countless times. Ever been to a roller-skating rink? Yeah. I loved having bday parties there as a lil'un. What do you refer to your mother as? (Mom, momma, mommy) Mom, Ma, and Mama. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yeah, multiple times. What is the last movie that made you cry? I think the remake of The Lion King. What would you like to swim in other than water? Nothing? If you could uninvent one thing what would you chose? Damn, just one? Maybe cigarettes? Have you ever read someone's diary? Absolutely not. I respect people's privacy. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No, but that'd be dope. Who has inspired you the most in your life? Probably Mark. Is there a place where everyone who lives near you tends to hang out? Idk. Teens sure do love to hang out at Sonic, though, reving their stupid fucking trucks. Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes; I was obsessed with those as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? I feel like being alone with a tiger would scare me most. Though let's be real, I'd probably try to pet it. Have you ever changed your favorite color? From what to what? It was originally red, but then became pink when I actually understood it was its own color. Then it was maroon forever, and now it's back to pink. On a scale of 1-10, how competitive are you? Eh, 4-6? It depends on the situation, I guess. At what age did your have your most memorable birthday? My 21st, because I was in the psych hospital for it. Yes or no: Guys in skinny jeans? Yeah, man. Yes or no: Girls with dreads? Some people can pull it off. Have you ever attended a themed b-day party? What was the theme? Oh yeah, plenty. Do you have any Eminem on your iPod/MP3 player? I do. Has anybody ever given you a promise ring? No. What do you think about putting ‘spinners’ on cars? So long as they're not too distracting, I don't care. Do what you want with your car - again, so long as it is not disruptive. What celebrity do you wish would have a big comeback? I wish poor Britney Spears could catch a goddamn break and be happy again. She's a legend that doesn't deserve to feel like a puppet. Were you outdoors or indoors more as a kid? I'd say there was a pretty even split. Do you or have you ever owned a horse? No, but I LOVE horses. Have you ever had a relationship that began via text? (weird, I know, but it happens…) Most of my relationships started through a text message. Did you believe in unicorns as a small child? I don’t think so. Would you ever date a guy with longer hair than yourself? Yeah; I have short hair anyway, and I also like long hair on guys. Do you watch the show Wizards of Waverly Place? I used to love that show. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No; humidity aside though, that would be so amazing. Bats are not spooky or are they? I think they're precious. Do you like the song "Womanizer?" I sure do, actually. Do you like ice cream cake? Not really, but I'll eat it. Do you know how to change a tire? Nope. What kind of headphones do you have? Just cheap earplugs. Do you experiment a lot with new looks on yourself? No. What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? Dissecting a frog was my favorite, and doing the same with an owl pellet was also very cool. What was the last strong emotion you felt? Guilt. I lied to get out of group therapy early because I was just NOT feeling it whatsoever that day, and I hate lying. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. What types of animals have you had as pets? Jeez, what haven't we had... We've had cats, dogs, snakes, rats, gerbils, a rabbit, hamsters, lizards, fish, guinea pigs... Hell, I'm probably forgetting one or two. Can you name three good things about your most recent ex? She's so creative, a real advocate for proper reptile education and appreciation, and very kind. Name three bands/artists that you hate. Uhhh The Talking Heads, Bob Dylan, and The Police. What’s the best memory you have of your father? Playing softball with him in the front yard, and when he taught me to ride a bike. Should tattoos be meaningful? You get a tattoo for whatever reason you damn well want. I don't plan on all of mine to be meaningful. Some stuff I just want because I think it's cool. Are you afraid of the dark? No. Have you ever been through a trap door? No. What's the most recent good news you’ve heard? Hm. Who was the last person in your family to have a baby? My older sister. When’s the last time you used the microwave? Last night. What’s the worst thing in your life right now? Financial struggles. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Does anyone you know own a bird that can talk? No. Have you ever been someplace tropical? Yeah, Florida. Have Jehovah'ss witnessess ever called to your door? Yep. when was the last time you went to mass/church? I have no idea. It's been many years. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Thank heavens no.

[ivarsrideordie]

The Sleepover

Must be 18+ to read. No if, ands or buts.

Pairing: Alex Høgh Andersen x Reader

Warnings: Fluff, maybe angst, kissing, idk it’s pretty tame for me.

Title: The Sleep Over

Words: 2,724

Masterlist

This will also be posted to my  AO3  account in the future.

I wrote this for @honestsycrets for Christmas.  It’s a little late and I’m really sorry about that.  Also, thank you for the moodboard.  

If you would like to be tagged, comment or message me.  I’ll be happy to add you.

The sweet smell of sugar cookies baking in your oven fill your small apartment that sits atop a small insurance agency on a busy downtown Copenhagen street.  You crack one of your windows open, allowing your place to cool off a bit from all the baking.  The streets bustle with shoppers going from store to store gathering their last few Christmas gifts.  Felix, your black-tabby, jump up on the open windowsill and watch the little squirrel-sized people scurry through the street.  Distant horns honk every so often along with the sound of bicycle bells and angry shouts here and there.  

“Felix! Don’t jump out now.”  You scold him just as he decides to curl up on his window blanket.

Felix just looks at you, then starts to clean himself.

“Gross. So rude, Felix.” You say with a disgusted face.

You start making your last batch of cookies, this time, chocolate chip. Alex was coming to visit tonight so you had to make his favorite or he would never let you live it down.  your stomach flip-flops at the thought of Alex.  He is one of the funniest, kindest, happiest, handsome people you had ever met.  

‘Wait, did you just think handsome?’  You thought to yourself.

Sure, Alex is very handsome.  He has been a good friend for several years.

*Flashback*

You remember the day you met him.  You were with your friend, Josie hanging out in the park.  Alex and his friends were playing Frisbee.  Alex was showing off his skills and his friend threw it too hard.  Next thing you knew, Alex was falling headfirst into your picnic, knocking over the wine and stepping on the plates of fruits and cheese.  He did an acrobatic roll, landing on his back in the grass just past our blanket.  

You remember yelling at him, calling him a fucking dumb fuck and throwing some grapes at him.  Alex was beet red with embarrassment but laughed so hard when a grape smacked him on the tip of his nose.  You could have sworn he was looking at Josie the whole time he was playing Frisbee with his friends, but when he sat up from the fall, he was looking at you. He offered to pay for our wine and food and to get the blanket cleaned.  With your good nature, and even though you were pissed, you declined his offer.  But Josie snatched up his offer. She was the one who brought everything after all.  You guess you shouldn’t have declined for her.  

Josie decided she was no longer angry when his friends came over and started flirting with her.  She loved the attention.  She always got it, which is what surprised you. Alex was talking to you instead of her.  That never happened.  Ever.  

Alex asked for your number since she was busy, said he would call for me to come to get the blanket after it was cleaned and left with the blanket in hand.  A few days later, you got a text from him asking where we could meet.  At first, you were confused, not knowing who this stranger was.  All you could think was ‘Stranger danger!’  After a few texts of confusion later and he reminded you of your encounter in the park.

You remembered the way his light blue eyes searched your face, studied your features.  You guess you were doing the same.  You could still remember the little scar on his chin, how he had a smudge of dirt on his cheek, the way his voice was so soft and soothing.  You had decided to meet him on the pier closest to your place.  

You gazed out at the rippling water as you patiently waited for him.  your eyes closed at the touch of the canals slight breeze.  The time came and went.  You thought You had been stood up.  You weren’t too upset.  You mean, he probably had other plans and forgot all about you. You tried to hold back tears, but even in protest, they fell down your cheeks.  Just as You were about to turn back to walk back to your place, You saw him in the distance, running towards you with a big bag in hand.  He nodded in recognition and smiled brightly.  Your face instantaneously lit up with a huge grin.  He showed up. He actually showed up! Quickly, you wiped your tears from your eyes as he reached you.

“I am so sorry.  There was a line at the dry cleaners.  I thought I’d never get out of there.”  He said.

“It’s alright.  I was enjoying the nice breeze we have today.”  You lied.

“I don’t think I ever got your name.  My name is Alex.”  He said, holding his hand out to shake it.

You looked at his hand and grinned.  “Really?  We are going to shake?” You snickered.  “My name is Y/N.”

You took his hand, shaking it.  His palms were warm and calloused like he worked somewhere where he did heavy labor.  His thumb lightly caressed the top of your hand, his eyes locked on yours. You felt a warmth run through your body.

“Y/N? What a pretty name.”  Alex said with a smile.

He had to be joking right?  It is such a plain name.

“Thank you.  So is Alex.”  You joked.

He laughed.  His laugh was contagious.  It made your face light up and your heart sing.  His smile was as bright as the sun.  You know he’s not perfect, but how can he be so perfect?

“So, where is your friend?”  He asked.

Your heart sank into your stomach.  He did want to see her.  You knew it was too good to be true.

“I’m not sure what she’s doing today.  D-do you want me to call her or give you her number?”  You frowned.

It must have looked like you had the wind blown out of your sails by the way his face fell too.  You were trying so hard to hold back any kind of emotion.

‘I just need to numb myself for another 10 minutes, if that long.  This will all be over soon.’  You thought.  

“I just want to give her this.”  He said, holding up the blanket.

“Yeah. I got it.”  You said shortly.  “I’ll call her for you.”  You looked for her number in your contacts and pressed send.

“No! Please.  You can take it.”  He hurriedly said.  “I wanted to see you.  Please?”

You heard Josie pick up.  your end was silent.  Josie started asking if you were okay, if you needed help or if he hurt you.  You just replied that you were fine, you had her blanket and would see her tomorrow.  She hung up the phone after she sang her goodbyes to you.

“Please?” Alex begged.  

It was adorable.  You were trying so hard not to be mad.  

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”  He said, taking your hand in his. “So, Y/N? Would you like to go get some coffee or something?”

You blinked away tears, one trickled down your cheek.  Alex frowned when he saw this.  He placed his palm against your cheek, wiping it away with his thumb.  

“Sure. I’d like that.”  You said with a smile.

Alex gave a soft smile.  He held out his hand for you to take.  He walked with you, hand in hand to the nearest coffee shop.  The line was winding halfway down the block.  

You sighed.  “I don’t do this, ever, but since it’s such a long wait, do you want to go have coffee at my place?”  As soon as you asked, looked to your feet in embarrassment.  You couldn’t believe you just asked that.

“Sure! If you are okay with that, I mean.”  Alex said with excitement.

“It seems to be getting colder.”  You shivered.  

He took off his coat and placed it around your shoulders.  “Better?” He asked.

“Much.” You smiled warmly.

His coat was so toasty.  It smelled like him, the sweet smell of his cologne mixed with a tiny bit of his manly musk.  You breathed in deeply.  

Once you were back at your apartment, You made coffee and offered snacks.  You got to know each other and talked well until the sunset.  You wanted to kiss him.  You wanted him to kiss me.  You were afraid to make a move.  You didn’t want to ruin any kind of friendship you would ever have.  Alex kept reaching out, touching your hands, hair, cheek, shoulder, anything he could.  He looked at you in a way you had never been looked at before.  You were mesmerized by his stare, his eyes.  God, his eyes.  

Finally, Alex said he had to go.  He had work the next day.  He promised he would call or text or both.  You gave him back his jacket, never expecting to hear from him again.  Early that next morning, your phone buzzed with a text message.  You smiled.  

*Flashback ends*

The buzzer on the door rings and snaps you out of your thoughts.  The chocolate chip cookies are in the oven and baking.  

“Y/N, let me in!”  Alex hollers from behind the door.  “I’m freezing my fucking balls off out here!”

You giggle-snorted into the door monitor and pushed the button to unlock the door.  You heard Alex’s big clunky footsteps climbing up to your apartment. The alarm in your oven notified you that this batch of cookies was done.  You were removing the gooey chocolate chip cookies from the baking sheet onto wax paper when Alex walked into the kitchen.

“Ah! There you are!”  Alex said with a big bright smile.  “Did you know it is snowing?”

“No! Is it?”  You ran over to the window.  “Would you look at that?!” You grinned.

“I hear it’s going to get worse. I mean, I might have to crash here tonight if it gets too bad.” Alex winked.

“Well, you know where your bed is and where the blankets are if you do.” You smirked and pointed to the couch.

“Ah, man!  Come on!”  He whined.  “Can’t you sleep on the couch for once?”

“Nope! My house, my bed.”  You giggled.  “Besides, Felix will keep you company.”

The fat lazy cat lifted his head briefly when he heard his name being called.  

“Yeah. He seems to be the only pussy I have gotten in a while.”  Alex cackled.  

You shook your head as you tried to hide a smile.  

“So, why haven’t you got yourself some?”  You asked before you could stop yourself.

“Uh...” His eyes grew wide.  “Well, I guess I haven’t found the one.  Or maybe I have and I could be waiting for her to figure it out.  Either way, I can wait. Besides, if I really need it, that’s what this is for.”  He smirked and made the jerk-off motion with his fist.

“Oh, lord!”  You burst out laughing.  

His words made your mind race.  ‘Waiting for her to figure it out,’ kept racing through your thoughts. ‘What if he means me?’ Your heart fluttered.

“Are you making any more cookies?”  Alex mumbled through a mouthful of cookie.

“I hadn’t planned on it!  But I guess I better make more.”  You huffed.  Alex had already eaten half of the chocolate chip cookies. “What did you do?  Make a sandwich out of those?”  

“You know how much I love your fresh baked cookies.”  A big chocolaty smile spread across his face.  “I think it’s time you teach me how you make these.”

“Oh? You want to help instead of watch this time?”  You raised an eyebrow.

“Sure! Why not?”  He grinned.  “So what do we start with?”  He looked into the flour jar.

“Get three eggs from the refrigerator.  And the butter.”  You said as you reached for another clean bowl.  “Oh and the milk!”  You ran around the kitchen gathering the ingredients you needed, all the while humming to yourself.  

Alex had placed the eggs, milk, and butter on the counter and took a seat on the stool at the end of the island.  He watched you dance around the kitchen, picking up bowls, spatulas, spoons and measuring cups.  You brushed a stray strand of hair out of your face but it fell back in its awkward place.  Alex stood from the stool and helped you unload your arms from the miscellaneous baking items.

“Thank you!”  You said.  

Alex didn’t answer.  You glanced at him and noticed he was staring at you. This was a look you had never seen on his face before.  Alex reached out and tucked the stray hairs behind your ear.  His thumb slid over your bottom lip as he pulled his hand away from your face.  

“So, where do we start?”  Alex asked, pretending as nothing happened.  

You licked your bottom lip hoping to get some sort of taste of him. “Uhm, you want to put a few cups of flour in this bowl.”  You handed him the measuring cup.

Your tongue danced around your lips, licking still for more.  You watched Alex count out the cups of flour.  Your eyes trailed up his arms. His big strong biceps flexed.

“Now what?”  Alex smirked.  

His voice broke your trance.  You looked at his face to see him grinning. He chuckled under his breath when he saw your cheeks grow red with embarrassment.  You wondered just how long he was watching you watch him.

You cleared your throat.  “Put the eggs in.”  You dryly swallowed.

“Eggs? Gotcha!”  Alex said, grabbing the eggs and cracking them into the bowl.  

You were still playing with your bottom lip wondering what his skin tasted like, what his lips tasted like.  You were staring into space when you heard him.  

“How am I doing?”  A low growl next to your ear brought you out of your thoughts.  

Alex stood next to you, his face close to yours.  His lips so close to your ear you could hear him breathing.  You could feel the warmth of his breath on your cheek.  

“Looking good, Alex.”  You smiled nervously.  ‘Why am I nervous?  It’s just Alex!’

“Yes, you are.”  Alex whispered even closer to your ear.  

“What?” You squeaked.  

“You heard me.”  Alex said softly.  “You look beautiful today.”

“I-I...” You stammered just as Alex’s lips touched yours.  

You melted into the kiss.  Was this really happening?  Were you dreaming? His tongue licked at your bottom lip.  You were the first to break the passionate kiss.

“Alex,” You moaned.  “What are you doing?”

“Fuck, I love hearing you moan my name.”  He groaned.

“I thought we were just friends?”  You whispered.  

“We have always been more than friends.”  He said, placing soft little kisses down your neck.

You leaned your head back into his shoulder allowing his lips to glide down your skin.  His strong arms wrapped around your waist.  

“Why today, Alex?”  You whimpered as his nimble fingers trailed down to the top of your jeans.

“Why not?”  He nuzzled his nose under your ear, his warm breath sending chills down your spine.  “I’ve always wanted to be with you.  And I know you want to be with me.”

“I do, I have.”  You confessed.  

“So, I decided today would be the day.  If you kissed me back, I knew I was right.  If you didn’t, I would know I am in the friend zone and try to move on.”  He said and started peppering kisses down your neck again.

A moan escaped your lips.  Fuck, he felt good.  You had never felt this before with any other man.  His lips were like little electric sparks caressing your skin.  He had snuck his hand under your shirt.  His fingers were like fire. You giggled a little when he hit your ticklish spot.  He silently snickered.  

“Sorry.” He laughed.

“It is okay.”  You said.  You raised a hand, turning his face towards yours.  Your plump lips brushed against his.

“Should we finish the cookies?”  He said between small kisses.

“Fuck the cookies!  I’m going to bed.”  You smirked.

“Oh.” Alex frowned.

“Are you coming with me?”  You licked your lips.

Alex’s eyes sparkled in delight.  “Fuck, yes I am!”  He exclaimed.  

You couldn’t believe it.  He was finally yours.  You had been waiting for this moment for so long.  You took his hand in yours as you led him to your bedroom.  

@honestsycrets​  @lisinfleur  @therealcalicali​  @missrobyn81​  @dangerousvikings​  @ivarswickedqueen​  @bang-kim-bap​  @michaeliskindahot​  @heathen-whore​  @vikingsbifrost​  @hvitserksgirl​  @mblaqgi​  @ivarsshieldmadien​  @captstefanbrandt​  @funmadnessandbadassvikings  @titty-teetee​  @ethereallysimple​  @ivars-snowflake​  @babydoll7478  @inthenameofodin​  @ivarsheathen​  @microsmacrosandneedles  @trailerthoughtstexas​  @ivars-heathen  @cbouvier23​  @tierneygonzalez​  @dmv49​  @ivaraddict​  @akamaiden​  @readsalot73​  @moondustmemories​ @jxylynn-eliz​ @tayachristopher​ @ivarlcthbrok @slut4hazeleyes​  @cynthianokamaria​  @jadelynlace​  @xinyourdreamsx​  @car-karaoke​  @wallabieswisher​  @poisonedjoinery  @zarousa​  @winchesterwife27​  @rekdreams-fandom   @flokidottir-imagines​  @writingbyjade​   @ainatirb-j​  @tgrrose​   @inforapound​

[yesvaldemarharder]

Lucio x Fem! Thicc! Reader

A/N: Now look, I’ve noticed Lucio has a lot of hate these days. Not sure what has been said but if you do tell me. I’m curious. Also, I write mainly female reader and dabble in gender neutral reader.. Don’t be upset (if you’re a guy) if I don’t write male reader.. to be honest it’s like trying to make a clear homosexual guy date a girl. It just doesn’t work out.

I have no problem with male readers I just can’t write them..nor can I write ‘smol’ reader. It’s kinda annoying but that’s a personal problem of mine.

Anyway, my master list for my request on this fandom is at my other account, Yandereinmyguts, if anyone is curious. I will also be post Yandere simulator males x fem reader on this account because the fandom needs... “better written oneshots.” (Sorry..)

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy! Let’s get to it, if you have a problem find another account to waste your time on.

Rating: Mature

Word Count: Idk but more than two thousand perhaps

Pairing: Lucio x Thicc Reader

EDIT: As much as I love Nadia, Julian, Asra, Muriel, and Portia (if you Request her I can’t do any smut on her..I love her like a friend not a lover) imma have to mainly post for the courtiers cause they got me hooked. They need more oneshots on them.

NON: I haven’t really gotten far in play throughs due to being a poor hoe so don’t come here with any spoilers. I know the characters I just haven’t been playing the game like that.

Don’t come here being salty either because I would gladly fuck all of the courtiers. Don’t kink shame me because that’s also a kink of mine.

-

The girl’s (e/c) eye twitched in a clear form of irritation as she sat on the fountain, a rather large book in her (s/c) hands as the water settled calmly. What irritated her was the bright eyes on her from the male sprawled out in front of her, watching her like a cat watched some mouse. With a glare she closed to book quickly with a soft slam before looking down at the ground where the male laid lazily before he started grinning a sharp grin at her.

“Is there something you need Count Lucio...”

She spoke, clear aggravation in her voice. It was one thing for them to be bound to each other, yeah but it was another for him to always stare at her. Those crimson eyes widening in mock surprise as the blonde shot up in a sitting position from his previous laying one in the green lush grass. His golden hand over his chest as he gave a dramatic gasp.

“H-Huh? Why’d you say it like you were annoyed? I’m only trying to appreciate ‘second hand beauty’!”

He countered and for a second she stopped, a slight look of confusion on her face as she stared down from the area she’d been sitting setting the book by her well rounded thigh to which his crimson eyes followed for a split second before looking back to her. The (s/c) girl forced herself not to let out a snarky reply but crossed her arms over her breast instead.

Now the Count’s face was a bit pink as he dropped his hand to his side catching Mercedes and Melchior’s attention for only a second before the precious pups lost interest and went back to running around the large gardens.

“And Count..what do you mean by that?”

She asked with an unimpressed gaze and he simply gave a charming smirk before standing up, his hand on his thigh as he pushed himself up from the grass before dusting off his mainly white suit. With confidence he strides over to her form and seats next to her.

He’s close, close enough to feel her larger thigh against his own smaller but strong one, the coolness of his nearly see-through body mixing with her everlasting warmth. Her (e/c) eyes follow him and each step he takes and he gives a low purr that nearly makes her shiver.

“Well I’m the most best looking man around so you can’t be the first. That’s why you’re the second.”

The girl finally lets out a soft snort uncrossing her arms as she looking away tilting her head in a way where he can get a good look at her strong smooth neck and the tantalizing choker that hugged it. She grabs her book again tooling it in between her careful fingers as she opens it once more, her thumb pressed against the corner of the papers searching for the page she had been on previously ignoring the blonde next to her.

“Count, once again. I am I female so I don’t think that statement makes sense. Thank you though.”

She hums before her eyes widened, a firm hand touches her face, his thumb and pointer finger on her cheeks shocking her with that same electricity she had felt the first time they touched and a shudder ran down her back. With a gentle but persistent pull he turns her head back to him and they’re only centimeters away. His eyes hooded looking at her smooth soft lips as she blushes a bit too darkly.

“Then you’re the cutest woman, how about that? Just look at those eyes and those oh-so soft lips. If I wanted to, would you allow me the pleasure to kiss you?”

He speaks lowly and even though he seems confident she can clearly see the blush on his light cheeks and it almost makes her giggle. However, hearing such words completely threw her for a loop, she knew he watched her but never expected him to act out. Ah, two could play at such a game.

With a hum she pushed his hand away and for a second his flirtatious lips formed a pout which quickly formed into a arch of confusion when she stood up kicking her wedges off into the grass with a dull thud, the jewels on her ankles glistening and jiggling with each step she took as she approached him once more. His body rigid as she playfully ran a painted nail from his naked collarbone up to his chin making him look at her again before planting herself in his lap, the bold action making him jump quite noticeably as she grinned wrapping her arms around his neck.

They’re close, awfully close to the point where her front pressed so firmly against him that she had to put her now naked feet in the fountain, cool water tickling her smooth (s/c) feet, the ankle bracelet around it glistening as water and sunlight clashed causing a beautiful shine.

“What’s wrong Count? Why so shy now? Do you not still want a kiss from these ‘oh-so soft lips’?”

She teased as he started to blush, crimson lacing his cheeks all the way up to his ears. She smiles innocently before leaning in, laying a kiss on the corner of his mouth, just barely missing his slight gaped mouth. Curiously his hands lay against her thighs rubbing them to see the boundaries she most likely had. A stern glare found his face as she wiggled her hips firmly against his making him let out a low growl. His pants were definitely tighter than the were a couple minutes ago.

“I don’t like being teased (y/n).. and yes, I still want to kiss you.”

He spoke quickly breath hitching when soft lips connected with his earlobe nibbling on the sensitive flesh. His arms hugged her now, his normal and metal hand on each of her asscheeks squeezing the large masses loving the shudder she let off. Her warm breath dusted over his skin.

“Just a kiss though? Lucio?”

She purred before a sharp yelp left her lips and a slap wrung in the air for a second. Her ass letting off a ripple as he rubbed the now warmed ass. His clawed hand digging up and under her clothes, under her silky underwear and pinching her flesh as she buried her head in his shoulder. This time he was the one in her ear, voice low and obviously suggestive.

“If you’re offering so willingly, then I’d love to do more. So much more. Are you giving me permission?”

He asked once more before pulling the fabric of the front of her v neck shirt down licking a fine line from her cleavage to her chin making her tilt her head up more as he kissed and nibbles along her skin. Clearly he was getting greedy, his human hand squeezing her thigh once more as his metal one toyed with her asscheek. She couldn’t trust her voice as he rolled his hips, a semi hard bulge rubbing her through her thin pants as she gave a nod finally confirming the permission he wanted.

Her hands moved up to his hair, hands lacing in silky blonde locks tugging lightly as he purred. Their faces were both red, excitement flooding their veins as Lucio forced himself to not take them both back in the cold water behind him. For so long now he wanted her against him, to feel her body against his own and now that he had that he really didn’t want to mess it up. He didn’t Ben care if they did it here, he’d gladly hold her legs as she bounce in his lap or send them both forward to the ground and continue from there, it didn’t matter to him.

No one usually stepped out of the palace at this time anyway.

His real hand moved to the front of her fitted clothes and cupped it causing her to gasp and arch against him, his eyes casting up as she tossed her head back a little.

“L-Lucio~”

She gave a weak moan as his thumb rubbed over her clit. He could feel the heat coming off her right here, he could also notice how damp she felt and for a second he shivered all over. It’s really been so long since he’s done this but he refused to mess this up. Once again he was in her ear now pushing that hand into her clothes, hand twisting to tap her hard nun holding her tightly as she arched and jumped a little in his lap.

“I want to kiss you here too. You’re so wet already do I really excite you that much or are you just really sensitive?”

He hums before a rich chuckle fills her ear.

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll treat you good (y/n).”

He promised before tackling her, a startled yelp leaving her lips when her feet left the water splashing them and when her back hit the ground. Not too hard though as his arms support her, her bright (e/c) eyes stare up into his crimson ones and for a second they simply stay like that. He’s watching her looking for any discomfort and for a second it takes her a while to notice. Then she gives a soft smile reaching up and cupping his cheek to which he flinched at the shock that came from it before he nuzzles her hand, moving his own to hold hers.

He takes her hand kissing along her knuckles before kissing the inside of her wrist as she simply watches him with awe.

“I love you.”

It’s a whisper but it’s firm as well and it catches him off guard completely, he opens his eyes; which he didn’t even noticed he closed to look at her once more. They’re flushed so closed together but he acts like he didn’t hear it.

“W-What? What did you say?”

The girl now blushes looking to her side, the many plants and rays on sunlight filling her vision as she tries to avoid his prying eyes but with him on top of her and so close that’s hard to do. Every time her head moves away from his he follows growing frustrated eventually leaning down biting down on his exposed neck.

“A-ah!”

She yips and he sucks on the wet flesh making the skin turn a different shade, he nips at the flesh as his hands grip the back of her thighs that twitch at the feeling.

“Tell me, (y/n). I just want to hear you say it again. Stop being stubborn..”

He grumbled against her throat and she pouts hands finding his hair again catching his attention immediately, he slowly looks back up and she pulls him into a hard heated kiss. He feels his eyes hood and watches as hers close a light moan leaving his throat as he licks her lips asking for permission and pressing his tongue into her wet mouth the second she opens.

His hands are pulling at her fabrics and she moans into his mouth as she lifts her hips letting he tug them down her thighs. He pulls away slowly, saliva stringing them together as they pant against each other breathless and wet.

“I-I love you.”

She whimpers as he kisses her cheek then her forehead to shush her somewhat. That kiss said everything he needed to know.

He pulled back some more looking down at her thighs freezing when he notices the thigh high stocks she has on along with a silky lace garter belt that hugged her hips a bit too nicely. Lucio suddenly feels his pants tighten a LOT more.

His hands freeze on the spot as his face turns red all over, some would think he’s sick but he’s so flustered and honestly even though she’s blushing too she can’t help but wants to call him cute. To be honest though she had forgot she even had them on, so if he was going to have a malfunction if some sort she’d have to apologize after they finished. (Y/n) tightened her legs around him again and the blonde jerked looking up to her only to see the blushing girl give him a smug smile. He pouted before tugging off her pants tossing them aside not caring where they landed pushing her back down when she tried to bicker about it.

“Stay still, don’t move (y/n). Babygirl.”

He orders and she feels her thighs quiver at his rough tone, for a split second she imagines him in his goat form getting ready to pounce and fuck he open and the thought has her reviving but she keeps it to herself biting her lip. That lip caught in those pearly white teeth as he grunted softly. He strips her before lifting her top showing the frilly lace bra that matches the things below and he’s honestly hasn’t felt so hard. The last time he was this excited was a while ago when he was alive and Nadia decided to top him. However, that is another story which he doesn’t want to think about with (y/n). He wasn’t for Nadia anymore, not like she wanted him anyway.

He reaches before her and pulls the garment out tossing it as well releasing her smooth (b/s) (s/c) breast leaning down to kiss them purring when she arched against his face with a high pitched moan.

With a wet pop he lets go and pulls back once again to open his pants giving a sigh of relief when he’s somewhat free. His underwear is bulging out, the fabric soaking wet with precum that made the girl gulp licking her lips. He pulls down the fabric and literally keens when the female purrs, her foot on his cock. The meaty rod stiff between her toes as he grabs her calv panting heavily as his precum drips down his cock along her toes.

“It’s pretty wide, you’re so excited hum? Want to see how my pussy spreads around it Lucio? Want to stretch me open Count?~”

She grinned and he grabbed her foot roughly pushing it up grabbing her other foot pulling her making her yelp as he pulled her closer. He quickly tears open her belt breaking the lace and straps and for a second she actually worries, sweat gathering over her skin. She was only teasing him...and he’s this riled. She shivers when a cool breeze rushes over her glistening pussy and shivers some more when he moves down to it.

It’s so messy, her natural lubricant dripping down between her lips and her hole twitching in anticipation. Her clit is hard and sensitive to the touch and knowing that Lucio blows a gust of wind over it that has he whimpering. She can even get herself to lean up for a second but when she does she’s on the ground again with a loud cry falling from her lips and her wide hips jerking closing around his head. His mouth closed around her clit, tongue tickling the underside as his golden hand pressed against her hole, juices running down the armor and just the site had him ready to burst.

He groaned, he really wanted to eat her out. However they always had time, he could do it later. Lucio pulled her legs open again and scooted close. (Y/n) lifted her head, (h/c) (h/l) hair messy, cheeks dark red, and skin sweaty and then he sunk into her as she let out a loud keen which he groaned at. His cock surrounded in her tunnel; warm, wet, and tight. Her legs tightened around him again and he leaned down again kissing her his cock pressing deep and rubbing along her cervix.

Every noise she made he swallowed greedily as he started with a slow pace first rolling his hips carefully before quickening his strokes. Soon he couldn’t control himself and nor could she. His hands held hers to the ground pinning them down to the green grass licking their fingers together as his balls slapped against her ass, his mouth all over her. He left hickies everywhere he could and with her mind so flooded with lust she couldn’t tell him where he could and couldn’t put them. He marked up her neck, collarbone, chest, chin and even left a couple behind her ears as she called out for him.

Her legs tight around his hips and bucking against him matching his pace, her juices squirting out all over his cock and pants with each thrust.

She cried out when he abused her g spot, her eyes wide in shock as he stared down at her. His hair hanging in his face, sweat covering the locks and his cheeks pink, eyes dark and bright at the same time as though he was looking deep into her soul as he searched her insides. He really looked like a demon and damn did she love it.

They were making a lot of noise but even if someone came out he wouldn’t stop. He wouldn’t stop showing how much he loved her, how much he wanted her, wanted to be with her. No, if anything he would force himself to go harder to fuck her sloppy trembling pussy open until she creamed so hard it sent her into an alternate universe of some sort.

He watched her, letting out grunts and groans as she shuddered and twitched and finally she let out another cry and wiggled, thighs moving on their on now as they trembled and shook uncontrollably. Her orgasm crashing so hard that he had to quickly pull out and cum on her stomach. She milked him would be another way to say it.

It shocked him and he let out a weak whimper as he cummed, her own dribbled out of her pussy leaking into the ground and with fascination he watched as she moaned softly trying to stop her shaking, grabbing her legs and holding them which only ended up presenting her wrecked pussy to him some more and he watched intensely before licking his lips slowly.

He slowly leaned down and licked a fine line from her asshole, feeling it twitch, to her clit and she jumped so hard that it seemed as though she didn’t want it. It was the overstimulation and as much as she wanted it she just couldn’t at the moment. A shaky hand found his wet hair and she weakly pushed on his head making him glance up at her with a smirk and sharp eyes as she shook her head.

“I-I can’t Lucio, m-my body-mhm~”

She cut herself off with a pitiful moan as he purred against her clit and then bit down on it a little. He then came up kissing her softly pressing his fingers inside her spent fuck hole grinning at the loud cry she let out as his fingers curled pressing firmly against her bladder.

“Shh, kitten. Let me take care of you. Daddy’s got you.~”

And she went quiet shaking, blushing brightly but spreading her legs some more making him blush again but smile as well.

-

Sorry if that was a mess, I really needed to post that and I get lazy quickly so it had to be done.

I hope you guys liked it though!

-A

[deadlyflan]

tagged by @kc-anathema (But over on my main blog, sorry. I wanted to drop this over on my technically-not-linked, foolishly-fandom side blog because I haven’t figured out how to talk about some stuff in front of people who know me in real life. haha. oops.) 

Instructions: tag 10 followers that you want to get to know better

Name: Kyabetsu on Ao3, but you can call me Kya!

Gender: female

⭐ Sign: Aries

Height: 5ft 3 inches

Sexuality: Asexual? Severely Demi? but mostly confused? IDK, folks. I live with my cats and my plants and my fan fiction and my books and my craft projects and that’s really all I got.

Hogwarts 🏠: Hufflepuff. My therapist told me. I mean, I read the books. I had my theories, but when your therapist confirms it independently, it’s kinda like the sorting hat proclaimed it. So. Yellow and Black: Won’t Go Back.

Favorite Animal: I love every kind of cat. 

Average hours of 💤: 7 to 8 hrs, if i can manage. I deteriorate pretty quickly without it for health bullshit reasons. I used to be a lot more hardcore, but stuff happened.

Current time: 8:05 PM (EST)

🐶 or 🐈 person: I’m sadly allergic to dogs, of whom, I’ve met many good boys and many good girls. BUT CATS... oh, cats. They are my little fangy sunshines. And I can hug them without needing a box of kleenex and a shower.

Blankets you 💤 with: ALL OF THEM. Currently, the sheet, the duvet, the down comforter, the top cover, and then three of those Mexican Blankets your grandparents have down in the bottom of their closet from the 1970s with the tigers and the deer and they’re SO SOFT. Plus my over-sized heating pad down on my feet and two cats. I’m a bundle-bear.

Dream Trip: I want a motor home decked out for max comfort and an unlimited pool of vacation time. I would want to just drive a big loop cross country and see every national park. Get some good boots. Get a good camera. Grab a bag of blank journals. Grab a friend or two. Vroom Vroom. 

Dream job: I don’t want a job. Can I just be independently wealthy? Not like... “Mega-yachts and Richie Rich” wealthy. Just, “Roof over my head, Pay my bills, Can get my teeth cleaned, Able to repair my car, and Still treat myself to a box of off-brand Nilla Wafers when I go grocery shopping” wealthy.

But if i just got to do STUFF and get paid regardless of whether or not you can really make a living from it in real life with my current skill levels? I’d write kids books and not-so-kids books. I’d garden and take photos of whatever tickled my fancy.

When I made my blog: About a decade ago, I made my main blog because I was going to be the kind of strong, proud human who could freely mix her real life with her internet life in a bold and self-confident way!  I made this side blog a few months after that because I am shy about things after all and wanted to reblog and interact with stuff that I felt self-conscious putting on my main blog. Then I wandered off of tumblr for at least 5 years? (IDK. Time is a difficult concept.) But I have come back.

Followers: 42 souls

Why I made a returned to tumblr: Very recently I returned to ‘active’ participation in the TMNT fandom and have tried to use this side blog as a compartmentalized space where I can be obsessively fannish without upsetting folks who followed me for original projects and stuff back on the main blog.

Side blog @deadlyflan ! In hindsight, I wish I’d known from the get-go that I was going to turn this into a fannish blog. I would have used my Kyabetsu handle from FF.net, a ton of old forums, and AO3 and made things easier for myself. ALSO I WISH that I knew that tumblr wasn’t going to ever let me instigate messages with people or reply to posts WITH MY SIDE BLOG HANDLE before I followed 5,000 glorious turtle-people and reblogged their entire brilliant blogs on this account. So yeah, if you wanna talk, turtle-people, you gotta talk to me first, because tumblr won’t let me message you until I’m replying to something you sent. (I can reblog you and comment though! And be in chats! And um... post things.)

Reason for my URL: I was trying to separate my main blog from my goofing around blog and Deadly Flan seemed about as far as it could get. 

tagging: um, some incredible people with awesome art and writing, even though we’ve never talked. You’re all total delights. Please don’t feel obligated to reply or anything, I just wanted you to know I’m rooting for you. :)

@turtlenovas, @sinits-hg-12, @chrompoised, @sassatello, @taytei, @safeblanket, @ingunnsara, @fmdinisio, @betti357, AND @winnyverse -- Winny, you’re a freaking delight and a talented person too, but we’ve talked! Small world, it’s good to see you again. :)

[page-twenty-eight]

when i said i think about you every day i wasn't kidding, you're always on my mind.

sometimes i just wonder what you're doing, how your day's going. sometimes i get nostalgic and cry about songs that remind me of you and things we talked about.

but lately it's either the little things, just being able to send you screenshots from a really annoying groupchat i'm in and just know you'll find it funny too or just in general your presence in my life. knowing that even if you're busy or out or whatever i can rant about anything, tell you anything, and while the messages may pile up, you'll be back within a day and you'll either reply or we'll just start talking about something completely different because it was never discussing whatever i had to say that mattered, it was saying it, and to someone i trusted with it, someone it felt safe with, someone i knew would have a good laugh about it, someone who was genuinely curious about whatever dumb shit i was currently thinking. someone who was you.

i haven't been good at staying in contact with friends lately, i haven't written to el in forever (but she did actually email me the other day so obviously i'm gonna reply), vicky hasn't been too well and the mothership is mostly dead, and i haven't even talked to any of those people i never really cared about just had fun casually talking to (and then talk shit about them with you-) and even though we did talk for a bit, i stopped talking to angela again too i don't quite know why i just don't seem to find the time to talk to her or the motivation but it's not even that general feeling of having someone i can talk to that i miss, it's you. thinking of something funny and sending it to you and then waiting for you to come online and see it. your reactions. your unique way of seeing situations. the weird way you sometimes phrase things. the instinct of seeing someone posting a photo of a cat and sending it to you. your opinions on everything and how we agreed on so many things and we'd start talking about some serious topic and have one thread of it still going but at the same time also talking about something hilarious somehow related to the same thing. either of us saying something really random and 99% of the time the other being like i've literally always though of it that way too !! sharing something i'm struggling with and you comforting me. sharing things i can't or at least don't want to share with other people. listening to whatever you're struggling with you and typing up paragraphs and paragraphs of advice or just whatever i could think of that would help you feel like you aren't alone and how much i fucking love you

i miss you more than i can say and i'm not sure i can even seperate the feeling from everything else going on in me because it's not just one specific ache i can pinpoint, i know it's an odd way to describe it but it's more the lack of the whole funny-exciting-unique-heartwarming-stimulating-etc feeling of having you around

i always knew i was the luckiest bitch ever to have a friend like you and couldn't imagine my life without you because even thinking of what it would be like hurt so bloody much but even so i must quote big yellow taxi and say we truly don't know what we've got till it's gone because even when we feel like yeah this person is my everything, you say that while you still have them by your side. & while we've all lost people or things important to us, it's never the same. when you're happy and with someone, you genuinely can't imagine the full extent of the emptiness you'd feel without them simply because you don't know it yet. so yes, while i knew that i'd suffer from losing you, the person who was always on my mind, who i was always looking forward to talking, who always made me smile, it just didn't seem realistic at the time and you had become such an important part of my life that it felt impossible. but for fucks sake it's been three quarters of a year since we stopped talked regularly and i miss everything.

and somehow we're still so connected, in some ways it's like you never left, and just now i was mindlessly scrolling through tumblr feeling awful and i got a notif of your reply to that post and it felt like nothing really matters around us because no matter what happens there'll still be you and me (cos how could i not include yet another lyrics reference-) and you'll reach through the fabric of the cosmos and take my hand and say you're not alone !!!!!!! and all i can say is thank you and hope that sometimes when you see something i post on here you can feel my hand reaching for yours too and that one day we'll find each other again or just steal some time like when you were in italy and we talked for a bit because fucking hell i'd give anything for just one conversation i miss you i miss you i miss you and i want to know all the stupid details about your life what you baked what your brother did what song you last listened to what dumb shit you saw that pissed you off whats on your mind what you struggle with and give you song recs and tell you about my day and complain about my mum being a jackass and make a billion lyrics references in one paragraph and spend a messed up sleeping schedule night like today talking to you until i can see the sunlight through my blinds and my eyes hurt and there are messages left unanswered i'm either excited to reply to when i wake up or excited to see what you reply !!

alrighty this is becoming too long and i'm not even making too much sense i'm just rambling on about how much i miss you so i'm gonna stop before i go on for another hour,, in conclusion i love you with my entire heart and pleaseee if you're ever in the mood to just rant about something or tell me abt your life even if it's idk five fUn fAcTs about #maddieinquarantine or even talk just hit me up or post something on whichever of your three accounts on here or whatever also i wanna make you a playlist with new recs cos i haven't really been using spotify too much and i've lost my touch when it comes to making playlists but i haven't shared any of the music i've been listening to in waay too long and you better do the same✌

okay byee i really am done now i love you💋

[the-real-nekoma-kenma]

If you want to know a bunch of BS about me, here it is

NOTE: YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ ALL OF THIS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO

Just looked up Solangelo for the first time on youtube in a while and I'm so glad I did I just got rushed back with a bunch of memories and I'm sooooo happy about it

Tbh, I'm pretty sure that discovering and being such a hardcore shipper of it was the thing that made me question my sexuality for the first time and since then I've gone through various things and finally settled with pansexual. Even though Fierrochase was the first gay ship that I shipped, Solangelo was the one that spoke the most with me for some reason and I think that the reason why was because of the fact that I feel like I can relate to Nico so much on a personal level internally, but my actual personality is so much like Wills that the fact that the combination of the two described me as a person, it actually made me feel more comfortable with myself than I had felt in a long time. 

I know that both the Magnus Chase and PJO series have also helped a friend of mine question their (they're nonbinary she/they) sexuality and gender identity a lot and honestly it kind of made me question my gender as well. 

Most of you reading this will also know that I am a GINORMOUS mcr fan and even my account name is named after them. After I found out that Gerard Way was actually he/they nonbinary, and said friend recently came out to me as well, I’ve been doing the most questioning about my gender identity here the past few weeks than I ever have. I feel like gender-fluid would be the best thing for me but at the same time, I'm not sure at all because I know that I'm fine being a female, but something in me is saying that being a male would be so much more fun and considering the fact that I have closer male friends than I do female friends is another thing to consider because most girls are all about the drama and makeup and dating scene but I've never been heavily into that at all and I'm much more comfortable talking about things like rock bands or art; even sports some times than I have ever felt talking about the school drama. 

However, even considering all of this, I feel like being fluid would just be me posing and that I'm just a masculine girl or something but that doesn't change the fact that there will be times where my brain will glitch out and say “hey, you're a dude” and then ill realize that I have boobs and all of the parts down there that makes me a girl but then I get mildly irritated by that fact. I still think that dudes have it easier and they have more freedom and honestly, I think that all I want is that freedom to be able to walk around shirtless or to be able to listen to Heavy Metal without being told that it’s a male genre and that I'm only doing it to look cool.

Side note, I've even considered getting my hair cut like Andy Biersack/Black’s hair is but keeping the red just because I think that it would look fucking awesome but again, I’m a girl and i cat have that hair cut with the sides shaved because it's not feminine enough. Well sorry Sharen but having long hair is a hassle and takes to long to flat iron and brush so please leave. 

For those of you that might don’t already know how my parents are about things, ill update you. My dad and stepmom are homophobic transphobic Christian people. I accidentally came out as pan to them. They proceeded to tell me that bi and pan people don't exist and that they are just “confused queers” that haven't picked a gender yet. They said that ace and aro people just don’t have developed hormones yet and that they just need to find “the one” and then their sex drive or whatever will kick in. They said that trans or nb people were just crazy people who don’t like stereotypes and are doing whatever just to spite god and gave me the whole “god built you perfectly” talk. (Every time I dye my hair, they say the same thing to me about that too) 

Having been originally raised on these horrible LGBT hating ideals, it was fucking WILD whenever I read the Percy Jackson and the Magnus Chase books that started talking about being gay and trans which blew my gay eye open and cleared that religious fog from my eyes. Around that time I entered middle school and found out that hey, I know some people who are messing with their sexualities. My close friends are even pan or bi! I started getting reeaally defensive over the gay community and barely tolerated any type of hate towards them but I never questioned my own sexuality.

Then the summer between eighth grade and freshman year happened and I realized that I had a crush on my best friend Brittany (not the nb one). 

I was distraught because I had always thought of myself as a perfect little straight girl with strong opinions on topics. I got to highschool and saw that you could look down every hallway in that building and see at least one gay couple or a trans person (My highschool is fucking awesome so suck it) and I felt so much more comfortable with myself.

In case anyone is wondering what made my decision that I was pan instead of bi final, it was the fact that if Alex Fierro was a real person, I would totally date her/him without any hesitation what so ever because she/he is r a d.

Mcr happened, I got genderally confused, and here I am debating on whether I'm gender fluid or not. 

So yeah, that’s what’s going on right now. Idk why I felt the need to type all of this out and post it on this hellsite but I feel like I would be a bit more excepted here.

Also, don't be surprised if here soon I end up changing my gender thingy on my bio. It might happen, it might not, idk.