#idk guys idk i will probablly delete this i dont think it makes a lick of sense

[didhewinkback]

yeah in his sister's post she basically confirms that he never thought he was good enough and i also saw another video of him talking about bear recently and how he's a mini me but he was like as if we need any more of me in the world, i hate who he became and how he treated maya and other women but its also kinda sad that he had so much self hatred and died believing that

yeah that really gutted me as well. i agree! i have been struggling with this a lot because i completely condemn any form of abuse in all its kinds and don't believe you can justify abusing women by putting it on the fact that someone was struggling w addiction or how theyre being treated online

but i also had not been interacting w liam or anything about liam except only casually when i would see a clip of his or people would be excited that he posted about one of the boys or like in 2020 i watched a few clips of those instagram lives he used to do and from my mostly outside perspective it was very clear he was struggling and i was always rooting for him to find his footing career wise because it cannot have been easy going from being the lead vocals in the biggest boy band and then every member but you is able to carve out a career for themselves and because i was the biggest 1d girl on the planet the liam i keep thinking about is that liam. like little 2011/12/13 liam who was so steady and constant and you could tell there are later years in that band when they all were struggling but he seemed to really not be able to hide it as well as some others but he was still there, still on that stage and singing those songs and it is just so sad to me that that boy died like this, completely unexpected and suddenly and alone.

i feel like i have tried to articulate that a bunch these last few days and im sure people are sick of seeing me write about this because it feels so weird to constantly be qualifying grief but i hope it is clear that whats happening to me and i think a lot of other people is that one direction was a foundational part of us growing up and what it is and was and used to be completely and fundamentally changed when he died. and it doesnt feel fair that so many others in their position were able to get through the other side and grow old together while those five boys will never be able to. i did not know liam but since i was 13 he was always there, somewhere out there, whether in the 1800th blog post i was reblogging at midnight or on twitter and now he is not and that is such a weird thing to reckon with for someone i did not know personally but whose music i really relied on so heavily when i was younger and in recent years to be honest.