#idk but im not playing the 'dont talk to me anymore actually nvm u wanna see your kids' thing my family does with each other
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lightningfilledsaber · 2 years ago
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Girl I fucking hate christmas
#pet death and family drama warning#mud rambles#i know it's not christmas day but. this time of year jfc#my mom's new puppy just fucking died#and now shes asking me to go to dinner with an aunt i literally cut contact with. and apparently this aunt specifically asked me to come??#i dont wanna cause even more stress to my mom rn but like. no??#that woman made me cry at a goodbye party for my brother moving in w his dad in another state by telling me that my grandmother who i had#cut off had every right to deadname and misgender me?? because she loves me she can do that apparently?? (her reasoning)#the aunt who still refuses to even use my fucking name much less my pronouns?? the aunt who wont allow me to tell her kids im trans bc#'it will confuse them'??? the aunt who still hasnt fucking apologized???#not to mention her and her predator husband are racist as fuck#like that was literally the first of the two reasons i cut my grandmother off for. being racist and unwilling to change. you think im just#gonna ignore that?? be ignorant somewhere else#pet death#pet death mention#fucking hate december#fucking hate winter#this time of year sucks so bad. this bullshit happening when this time of year is already shitty for other reasons. fucking hate it here#idk but im not playing the 'dont talk to me anymore actually nvm u wanna see your kids' thing my family does with each other#i miss my cousins but for my own wellbeing im not doing that shit. i cut you off you are cut off until you not only apologize but actually#fucking change. no half assed shit
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neocityarchive · 5 years ago
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blind love | l.m.k.
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— in which mark lee is so much more than just your best friend but you were too blind to realize it.
word count: 7.2k | warnings: light swearing | blind love - lola young |
a/n: i didnt mean for it to be this long but i hope you enjoy!!!
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“Just friends,” Mark said, his voice still steady even in the growing tension of the moment. “That’s all you said we are, right?”
Your head dropped down to look at your hands, not knowing what to say. The overbearing guilt of rejecting his sudden confession was crushing your chest that it became painful to breathe.
“I’m sorry, Mark,” was all you could say. You forced yourself to meet his gaze through your already glassy eyes, wanting to let him know the sincerity of your words.
He smiled kindly, shaking his head. There was sadness in his eyes. And in all the years you two have known each other, you could tell how hard he was trying to hide it. “It’s okay. That’s all we’ll be.”
You bumped your head repeatedly against your study table in an attempt to rid yourself of the memory that’s constantly been playing in your head. 
It was a Sunday which meant there were no classes, which meant the university was closed, which meant that you couldn’t even make an excuse to see your best friend Mark who somehow, after almost three years of friendship, suddenly decided that it was a good idea to tell you he loves you more than a friend should love a friend.
You couldn’t say it happened out of nowhere. He’s been saying he has something important to tell you for almost two weeks before the incident but every time you confront him about it, he always makes up some lame excuse to dodge. It took a lot of self-hate for yourself and a nice amount of his protective instinct to finally make him spit it out. 
He came to your apartment that night, finding you barefaced, wearing a pair of sweats and one of his hoodies that you stole some time ago. From that he already knew you weren’t okay. You like wearing his stuff to seek some sort of comfort. Somehow, the smell of his clothes helps calm you down.
You were supposed to help him finish a report but you couldn’t concentrate after getting a below satisfactory grade on a major exam. College has done nothing but give you a shitload of insecurities lately and this just pushed you off the edge. The only thing that has been keeping you sane was the knowledge that you had someone who you can run to at the end of the day. Someone who is willing to listen to your rants and would do almost anything to cheer you up.
That day, however, none of Mark’s usual encouragement worked on you. He was getting frustrated hearing you downplay yourself because of a single exam. You started going on about how stupid you felt, how staying up all night to study did nothing but make you ugly. Mark countered every insult you threw at yourself, throwing in a few jokes here and there, all of which you ignored. But when you went on about how all of this made you unworthy of anything, how no one could possibly love you in this state, he just couldn’t take it anymore.
“I love you,” he snapped, cutting you off from your long self-deprecating speech. 
“You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say that,” you whined, clearly missing the point.
Mark, on the other hand, was barely holding it all inside. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “No, idiot. I love you. Stop saying no one could love you, because I do. And not just because you’re my best friend.”
It wasn’t until you noticed his hands were quivering that you realized what he really meant. Looking back on it, you couldn’t help but hate yourself. You were sure it took a lot of his courage (and frustration) to come clean to you like that, and you couldn’t even take him seriously at first.
“Mark, no,” you remember telling him.
“I do. I hate that I do, but I do.” He looked away. “I love you and I know you’re feeling burdened right now, but you don’t have to say it back.”
A part of you broke that day. You hated rejecting people after having gone through several rejections yourself. It’s the worst feeling. You always wished there was a way you could always return people’s feelings just so no one would get hurt, but the universe just doesn’t work that way.
You muttered about a hundred sorries to which Mark replied a hundred ‘it’s okay’s. Maybe it was meant to make you feel better, but it just felt like your heart was getting ripped off your chest.
Mark didn’t stay long after that. You didn’t even get to help him with his report. He said sorry for suddenly dropping the L-word and you said sorry for not being able to say it back. He smiled sadly and it took your everything not to cry. He asked if he could hug you and you didn’t even answer. You just went straight into his arms, burying your head in his chest like you’ve done so many times before, breathing heavily to keep yourself from breaking down. And when the two of you pulled away, he insisted on being alone for a while. You said okay followed by another sorry.
You didn’t know “being alone for a while” meant ignoring you for god knows how long. You see him at uni but he wouldn’t even meet your eye. Even when you share the same class, he would choose to sit as far from you as possible. Once, he entered a cafe you were in and upon seeing you inside, he immediately turned around and walked away.
He’s ignoring you and he isn’t even being subtle about it. Mark Lee could never be subtle about anything, not even his feelings. You really were just too blind to realize anything.
Even other people saw how he felt. People used to come up to you all the time and ask about your “boyfriend” Mark. Sure, you would blush, shy that people thought you’re in a relationship with your best friend. When you explain that you weren’t actually dating, you would get the same shocked reaction every time. One of your friends even said you acted more like a couple than most people in a relationship do. You always thought it was just because you and Mark were such good friends.
“Friends don’t hold hands in public,” you remember Renjun saying.
“We don’t hold hands. He just grabs me and drags me to places,” you said defensively.
“And they don’t hug each other and stare at each other’s eyes while talking about pizza,” Jaemin scoffed.
You just rolled your eyes at them. It never crossed your mind that maybe they were right. You and Mark have never acted like how friends should. Maybe it’s the reason why you’re in this mess after all.
You sighed to yourself. You miss him. You can’t even pretend that you don’t. He’s become such a huge part of your everyday life that you couldn’t just ignore the sudden empty space he left when he said he wanted to be alone. You know he needed time to be by himself. But a part of you keeps holding on to his promise that even after his confession, you two would still be friends. And friends text each other, right? So all your attempts at communication depended on just that.
Thursday, 5:31 PM
You: wanna go watch a movie? i’ll buy the tickets.
Mark: cant. i have an exam tomorrow. sorry :/ maybe next time?
You: oh. okay. goodluck on your exam :)
Friday, 2:21 AM
You: [photo] this is possibly the cutest cat photo i’ve seen in awhile
Mark: that’s cute but dogs are still cuter
You: … okay?
Mark: go to sleep, y/n
Friday, 12:03 PM
You: i know you dont have class rn. have lunch w me?
Mark: oh i already ate with jaemin. sorry!!
You: it’s okayyyy :>> i’ll see u later? it’s friday night sooo we can hang out.
Mark: idk the boys already asked me to go out tonight
You: oh okay have fun!
Saturday, 6:54 PM
You: maaaark
Mark: y/nnn
You: [types] i miss you kajdhfhdksjdh [deletes]
You: nothing haha wanna grab some coffee?
Saturday, 7:01 PM
You: nvm haha have a nice nighhhttt
Sunday, 10:21 PM
You: hey can we talk
Mark: ???
You: please?
Mark: ye what about?
You: you said we’d still be friends
Mark: lol aren’t we?
You: this isn’t how friends talk to each other. i miss having an actual conversation with you.
You: we dont even see each other anymore.
Mark: i literally reply more to u than i do to jaem wdym haha
You: wow fine okay
Mark: ?????
You: i guess i deserve that haha
Mark: im tired y/n. night.
You: :( nighttt
You checked your messages for the nth time, reading everything as if something was gonna miraculously change with the cold conversation thread. Your fingers have been hovering over the keypad, typing and deleting ‘i miss you’ and ‘talk to me’ for about a hundred times already.
You don’t get why you can’t just say it. What’s so wrong with telling your best friend you miss him? Why is it so hard to press send? Why are you suddenly so afraid of how he would reply or if he would even reply at all?
It was only 10:30 in the evening. You know for sure Mark is only lying about going to sleep. He never sleeps this early unless he really is tired. He does nothing on Sundays so he can’t possibly be tired. Sundays are usually just the two of you hanging out in his apartment or yours, just to watch movies or study together. So what did he do today?
“Stop thinking about him,” you grumbled to yourself. “It’s just Mark. He’s a big boy, he can handle himself.”
But that’s not the point, a voice inside your head said. Just tell him you miss him.
You typed it again, ‘I miss you,’ but deleted it as soon as it was finished. Again. 
You’ve spent everyday with Mark that it suddenly hurts to think he’s enjoying the time you usually spend together alone. It’s crazy how you can’t stop thinking about how his day went or if he’s okay or whether he’s eaten or not. You know how stubborn he can be. Sometimes, he’d get so engulfed in whatever he’s doing that he would accidentally skip meals unless you remind him otherwise. 
“Fuck this,” you muttered to yourself. You figured you won’t ever be left at peace if you don’t do anything about whatever you’re feeling, so you decided to text Jaemin.
Sunday, 10:52 PM
You: jaeeem hi :)
Jaemin: y/n!!!!! hello :>
You: sorry for bothering you but have you talked to mark lately?
Jaemin: im talking to him rn haha why? you want me to ask him something?
You: not really hahaha how is he?
Jaemin: haha why not ask him yourself
You: he doesnt wanna talk to me lol pls just answer
Jaemin: he’s stubborn as always. he wont listen to me.
You: why, what’s he doing?
Jaemin: idk but it’s definitely not talking to you ksjdjkd
You: … very funny
Jaemin: sorry lmaooo he’s running on an hour or two of sleep everyday
You: jaemin!! why won’t you scold him?
Jaemin: we do! he just doesn’t listen. u know he only listens to you.
Jaemin: idk why you guys still arent together lmao bunch of idiots tbh
You: we’re just friends
Jaemin: rlly? oh btw mark hyung is looking for his save the bees shirt. did u see it anywhere?
You: yeah he left it here like two weeks ago when he slept over
Jaemin: LMAOOO DOESNT SOUND LIKE FRIENDS TO ME CHIEF
You: i fckingskjfhfn hate you
Jaemin: HJSJSHHDJD ok but seriously tho mark hyung is fine. just give him time, he’ll come around.
Jaemin: he misses you but u didnt hear it from me
Jaemin: ok bye he’s getting suspicious now lol
You: idk how you’re both an angel and the devil at the same time
You: anw thanks jaem. dont tell him i asked about him lol byeee
You sighed, putting your phone down in surrender. Your mind was more of a mess now than it was before you talked to Jaemin. You hate that he makes sense especially about the weird, more-than-friendly dynamics of your relationship with Mark. But more importantly, your head was beginning to be overfilled with worry.
Mark runs on barely two hours of sleep everyday. No wonder he always looks so out of it whenever you see him in the hallway. You wanted to call him, to tell him that he should sleep already, to remind him that he shouldn’t overwork himself, that doing just enough is okay. But you know he doesn’t want to talk to you. The cold replies and the ‘????’ were more than enough to tell you that.
Still, you figured it was worth a try sending him a little reminder. So you grabbed your phone once again and typed a message, revealing a little more of your emotions than you intended to. And before you could even think twice about it, you hit send.
Sunday, 11:04 PM
You: hey i know you’re still not asleep. dont worry, you dont have to reply to me. i just wanna tell you that you should take care of yourself. i know you. you’re stubborn and sometimes you won’t sleep or eat unless someone reminds you to so,, this is me reminding you haha. stop overworking yourself mark, please? you cant be sick cause i cant take care of you since you wont talk to me… lol jk. but seriously, get more rest (and talk to me,, hahah jk again unless u wanna ;)) please go to sleep now. goodnight. see you around i guess.
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You stopped texting Mark after that. You wondered if he would find the initiative to talk to you first if you didn’t start the conversation. Now, two days have passed and your sleep reminder remains to be the last message on your conversation thread. You couldn’t say it didn’t hurt. You were hoping for at least a small thanks but didn’t get anything at all.
You were starting to get more and more frustrated as the days went by. It’s so unfair that you are slowly losing your best friend because of this. It’s unfair that you can’t even be mad at him because you just broke his heart. You wished there was any way you could have changed what happened, but the past remains to be written.
That afternoon, you passed by one of the cafes you and Mark always go to. You went inside, suddenly craving their special banana muffin which he introduced to you some months ago. The owner recognized you right away as you came up to the cashier.
“You’re not with your boyfriend today?” she asked.
You felt your heart skip a beat and not in a good way. It hurt. You figured there was no use in explaining since she probably won’t believe that Mark is not your boyfriend so you just smiled sadly and answered, “No.”
The lady somehow talked you into buying two muffins so you can bring one to your “boyfriend.” After handing her your payment, you realized maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. Mark always brings you stuff whenever you’re mad or upset. He knows exactly what you’re craving for even before you knew you were craving for it. Why not try if it works on him?
As soon as you headed out the cafe, you whipped your phone out to text Jaemin, asking if he knew where Mark was. It’s Tuesday, his most free day of the week so he could be anywhere. Jaemin replied not after five minutes.
Jaemin: not sure but he mentioned something about the library??
You: okay thank you!
From that, you knew exactly where Mark is. There was a small patio-like spot beside the library that he likes going to. Not a lot of people utilize the place since the tables and chairs are almost always filled with dried fallen leaves from the surrounding trees but Mark likes the thought of being close to nature.
That day though, there were more people around the area than usual. It was lunchtime so most people were out of the classrooms. Still, it wasn’t hard spotting Mark. It has never been much of a challenge finding him in a crowd of people. You saw him as soon as he came into view, sitting by the table on the corner under one of the ginkgo trees. He had his laptop open and a box of food beside it. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration one moment and then he was laughing the next. 
You were about to make your way towards him but immediately stopped in your tracks when you realized he wasn’t alone.
You didn’t know who the girl was. You’ve seen her a lot of times in class and in the hallway. You even have a vague memory of Mark talking to her one time. But you never really bothered to learn her name. She had that soft, innocent look that goes so well with her shy smile. She had her hair tucked in her ears to show just enough of her pretty face. She was beautiful. Unconventionally but undeniably. But none of that mattered.
When she said something with a smirk and Mark let out his trademark laugh, nose scrunching, hand repeatedly hitting the table, shoulders shaking and all, it felt like something punched you in the stomach. He uttered something in reply and now both of them are clutching their sides for laughing too hard. 
He looks happy, you thought, I should be, too.
But you aren’t. You continued watching their exchange, him showing her something on his laptop and both of them laughing once again. Your chest felt heavy, like something was sitting on it and now it hurts to breathe. You didn’t realize you’ve been clutching the plastic bag containing the muffin too hard until you felt the sting of nails digging on your palms. You knew you should look away but you couldn’t. You wanted to run towards him. You wanted to tell the girl to scooch over so you can sit beside Mark and give him his muffin.
This is pathetic. I should be happy for him, you said to yourself. But why am I not?
You wanted to be angry, to scream and say that it should be you he’s laughing like that with. To say that it’s you he should be spending his time with. You wanted to ask if he still feels the way he said he does about you. And if he does, then why this? But you remained glued to the ground.
You hated how you were being selfish. You rejected him, remember? So why do you expect him to follow your tails like an intoxicated mad dog? Why can’t you be happy at the possibility that he found someone that feels the same way he does? Why does it… hurt? It’s not supposed to. If you really are friends, then him being happy with someone after your rejection should make you happy as well. If you really are friends, then you shouldn’t be standing here looking stupid, watching them from afar, wishing he’s with you instead.
“What are you looking at?”
You jumped at the sudden disruption, almost dropping your muffins. “What the hell, Jaemin?!” you whined, finally looking away from Mark.
“Mark hyung and Mina?” he snorted.
So that’s her name. “No,” you lied, forcing yourself to take a step away, then another, then another.
“Are you jealous?” Jaemin teased. “Have you finally realized you’re also whipped for our hyung?”
“No,” you grumbled.
“Then why are you almost crying?” 
You blinked. You didn’t even realize the tears pooling in your eyes. Why are you being like this? “Shut up. I’m not.”
Jaemin only shrugged. “Fine. Torture yourself, then.” He smirked. “By the way, Jeno and I are inviting people to our place this Friday after exams. Just some drinks and maybe karaoke, I don’t know. We all deserve a break from hell. Wanna come?”
You didn’t reply. Your mind was too preoccupied with other things.
“Mark hyung is coming,” he said. “Maybe Mina too.”
“I don’t wanna go,” you said immediately, suddenly coming up with a decision.
The boy laughed. “You are jealous! God, I love it when you prove yourself wrong. You shouldn’t be though. You already know he likes you.”
“I’m not jealous! Stop it,” you whined, really wanting to cry this time. Everything is so frustrating and Jaemin is not being of any help. You wanted to go home and just wrap yourself in your blanket and maybe one of Mark’s hoodies.
“Then come to our place this Friday. It’s gonna be fun.” He grinned.
“Fine. Whatever. Just get away from me, you little shit,” you said, kicking him lightly in the butt.
You didn’t know if it was a lie or not but if Mark really is seeing someone now, you just didn’t like the idea of seeing them flirt with each other in front of your eyes. Even the thought of it makes you want to pull all your hair out. Is that considered jealousy? If so, why are you feeling it for someone who’s supposed to be just a friend?
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Thursday came and you found yourself crying after realizing the shirt you’ve been wearing the whole day was Mark’s. No wonder he looked surprised seeing you in the hallway. He looked away immediately though, acting as if you weren’t there. It didn’t even cross your mind since you use this shirt quite a lot.
After calming yourself down, you put your playlist on shuffle and cried some more after Friends by Ed Sheeran started playing. You didn’t even realize how fitting the song was for your situation until now. Mark probably did.
You remembered him singing that song once. The two of you were just lounging in his apartment. He was playing his guitar while you pretended to study when in reality you were just looking at him. You watched as his fingers plucked and strummed the guitar strings while he softly mumbled lyrics, head bobbing to the tune. He’s good. Unsurprisingly, since he’s good at everything.
When he realized you were staring at him, he turned his head slightly to meet your eyes, one side of his lips curling up into a smirk. “No, my friends won’t love me like you do,” he sang. 
You looked away, your cheeks heating up almost immediately. It was hard to focus on your readings when he’s sitting right in front of you looking like that, singing like that. You sighed. He truly was never being subtle about how he felt.
After finishing the song, Mark put his guitar down and laid his head on your lap, not even bothering to ask if it’s okay. That’s how comfortable you were with each other.
“What are you doing?” You remember whining.
“Wake me up after 15 minutes,” he said, already closing his eyes. You took a photo of him that night. He’s cute when he’s asleep. Even cuter when you look at him up close. 
Of course, you just had to search your camera roll to find the photo. When you did, it felt as if a storm was raging on your stomach and a gorilla was pounding on your chest. It never dawned to you just how much it hurts that he suddenly left you alone until that moment.
“Goddamn, I miss you so much,” you muttered, looking at his peaceful expression in the photo.
And then you cried some more. You feel lost.
All you wanted to do was curl up in his arms and inhale his scent and listen to how his day went (and maybe accidentally fall asleep together). It sucks because you really had no one else to turn to. The single person who has always been your safe place doesn’t want to talk to you and even if he did, you really wouldn’t know what to say. Perhaps friends really aren’t like that. The thought of everyone being right when they said that maybe you and Mark were never really just friends has never been stronger than it was tonight.
Still, you couldn’t be bothered to sort your feelings out.
He feels like home, you thought. It was the best way to explain the sense of comfort and safety and the feeling of being more than enough that he provides you. It’s the only thing you can think of when your mind drifts to how he is always the constant person that you run to at the end of the day. But friends can feel like home, too, right?
Not to this extent. Not really.
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Friday. You found yourself aimlessly roaming around the neighborhood after your classes in the hopes of distracting yourself from your feelings or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be called. You wouldn’t have remembered Jaemin’s party if you didn’t happen to pass by their apartment building.
You stood in front of it for two solid minutes, contemplating whether to go or not.
Mark might be there, you thought. With everything that’s going on in your head and with all the mess happening in your chest, would it really be a good idea to see him? You thought maybe all these things you’re feeling are just a result of missing him. All these sadness and confusion might just be because you miss your best friend.
So you entered the building. You told yourself that you’ll try talking to him again this time, no matter how stubborn he’s going to be. And if it still doesn’t change anything, then you will take it as a sign to let him go. If not forever, then at least for now.
You reached the door to Jaemin and Jeno’s apartment. Even from the outside, the sound of the bass can already be heard. You wondered how long before the neighbors would file a complaint against them, but knowing Jaemin and Jeno, their neighbors are probably inside, partying with them right now.
Before entering, you looked down on your chest just to make sure you were wearing your own shirt and not Mark’s. It didn’t feel right wearing his stuff anymore. God, it really felt like you just broke up. Why is it like this?
You took a deep breath and opened the door. There were already a lot of people inside even if it was just 8 in the evening. Most of them, you know the faces of. You smiled to greet some and muttered a hi to others.
Renjun spotted you as soon as you came into the living room. “Y/N!” He grinned, handing you a cup of god knows what. “Jaemin said he invited you but we were all pretty sure you were gonna ghost us. But you didn’t!”
You laughed hesitantly. “Thanks, I guess?”
“Drink up. It’s a cocktail I made myself,” he said proudly, almost forcing the cup into your mouth.
You took a sip, figuring it won’t do any harm but you spat the liquid back to the cup as soon as it touched your tongue. “What the hell did you put in this?”
He shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just mixed in everything I could find. Thanks for trying it out though. I’ve been looking for a volunteer for five minutes already.”
You frowned. There were a lot of things you were unsure of at the moment but there is one thing that’s certain: you have weird friends. You were about to complain to Renjun when he plucked the cup from your grip and went on to find another victim, not even bothering to listen when you said you literally spat on the cup.
Mark didn’t seem to be anywhere. The apartment wasn’t that big so if he was here, it would be easy to spot him. Maybe he decided not to show up after knowing you were coming. And honestly, part of you was relieved. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you still didn’t know what to say. 
I’m sorry I broke your heart, but I miss you so much and I did a lot of thinking and maybe we really shouldn’t be labeled as just friends but I don’t know if I love you, is that okay? That’s just stupid. This whole thing is stupid.
You wanted to leave. Parties have never really been your thing. You usually just go because Mark asked you to since he loves interacting with people. But you figured you needed some alcohol in your system, mainly as a distraction, but also to give you a boost of courage just in case. So you made your way to the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with anyone as much as possible.
You stopped in your tracks as you came to the kitchen. The sound of that laugh was all too familiar.
Great, you thought. Mark was there. And Mina was too. But so were Jeno and Jaemin who exchanged looks as soon as their eyes landed on you. They were all laughing about something before you came.
“You’re here!” Jaemin said a little too enthusiastically in a poor attempt to address the sudden increase of tension in the room.
“Hi,” you said, smiling sheepishly, purposefully avoiding Mark’s gaze which you could feel boring into you. “Just gonna get a drink.”
“Help yourself,” Jeno said. Jaemin smirked beside him. 
The refrigerator was just beside Mark. Just great, you thought again. You walked towards it, desperately trying to ignore the four pairs of eyes following your every move.
“Excuse me,” you muttered, still not looking at your best friend.
Mark took a step sideways before opening the fridge for you. You muttered a quick thanks before grabbing the first bottle your hands landed on, not even bothering to check what it was. You really just wanted to get out of there. Maybe the talking to Mark plan was flawed from the beginning because you clearly can’t find the courage in you to face him now.
Beside you, Mark clicked his tongue. He was so close that you could smell his perfume mixed with a bit of alcohol. It made your knees weak. 
He took the bottle from your hand and put it back before grabbing a different one and handing it to you. “The other one had vodka. Vodkas give you a headache, remember?” he said in a slightly annoyed tone.
“Oh.” Your voice sounded small even to your own ears. Not gonna lie, you wanted to cry at that moment. “Thanks.”
You could hear Jaemin snickering behind you but you couldn’t bring it in yourself to care. You turned to everyone and said a quick goodbye before dashing out of the kitchen.
Your heart was beating hard and rapidly and not because you moved too fast. You didn’t know why but it hurt seeing Mark like that, like he was okay, like nothing changed with the two of you. It hurt knowing that even after everything, he still knows you the best.
You wanted to run. You wanted to disappear. But you couldn’t leave without passing by the kitchen. Somehow, you know someone in there would stop you. If not Mark, then definitely Jaemin. But you really wanted to be alone. So you resorted to the next best thing. You whipped your phone out and sent Jaemin a text.
You: thanks for inviting me to this party. now i feel like shit :D
Jaemin: IM SORRY BUT DONT LEAVE YET TF
You:  i need to be alone and i cant leave without passing by the kitchen and seeing mark. so pls let me use your room for a while.
You: i wont do anything i promise. i just need to calm down.
Jaemin: fine but dont lock the door
You: okay thanks
The door to Jaemin’s room was at the other end of the apartment. You made your way through the noisy crowd, slipping from Renjun’s weird gimmicks when he tried to make you a victim once again, before finally reaching the quiet confines of Jaemin’s room.
The thin walls barely blocked the noise but at least there was no one else here. You sat at the edge of the bed and placed the beer bottle on the floor. You forgot you didn’t even manage to open it. So you just stared at your feet, trying to catch your breath even if you didn’t do anything. That heavy feeling on your chest was back again. It was now associated with being in Mark’s presence.
You started counting to ten to calm yourself down before burying your face on your palms, breaking down into sobs as soon as your forehead came in contact with your fingers. “God, why can’t I just…” you cried, “... admit it to myself already?”
You wanted to thrash around in the bed in frustration but you thought Jaemin didn’t deserve such a mess so you settled with getting up and lightly banging your head against the door. It’s a bad habit you do when you feel annoyed or frustrated. Mark has always been reminding you to stop before you hurt yourself.
Mark. Again. You groaned, hitting your head a little harder this time.
Someone knocked on the door making you stop. You took a step back, thinking you just imagined it. But there it was again.
“Someone’s here,” you said, trying to hide the sound of your voice breaking.
“I know. Can I come in?” It was Mark. There was no question. 
Your heart started pounding on your chest once again. You wanted to tell him to go away but you couldn’t find it in yourself to do so. 
He took your silence as a yes. He swung the door slightly and poked his head through the small opening. Your hands immediately flew to your face to hide the fact that you’ve been crying.
“You know, I came in here because I didn’t wanna see you when I pass by the kitchen if I leave then you come here making me look like a clown,” you said, your voice muffled by your hands.
Mark chuckled softly. “Why didn’t you wanna see me?”
You didn’t reply. Your face felt hot, not just because of the tears that just won’t stop falling but also because all the blood has come rushing to your cheeks.
Mark grabbed both your wrists and gently lowered your hands down, trying to see your face, but your head bent down as soon as it wasn’t covered. “Y/N, look at me,” he said, hands still on your wrists.
“No.”
“Are you crying?” The idiot crouched down to have a glimpse of your face making you whine and cover your face again. “Last I checked, I should be the one looking brokenhearted around here.”
“God I hate you,” you mumbled. “You ignored me for nearly four weeks and you come in here just to make fun of me.”
He let out an empty laugh. “Well, you did break my heart so…”
At that, you removed your hands from your face to look at him. You were going to say sorry but Mark had that smug look on his face that made you want to punch him. It was almost convincing if you weren’t so good at reading the real emotions in his eyes. His expression softened upon finally seeing you properly.
He looked away, not being able to hold your gaze either. That just confirmed how hard he was trying to keep up with the exterior he was showing everyone.
“I’m sorry,” you said, voice breaking.
He sighed.  “I told you. It’s okay.”
“But it’s not,” you cried. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t realize how easy it was to misread what we had because let’s face it, we don’t act like ‘just friends.’ I’m sorry because I was too blind to see how you felt even when you weren’t really trying to hide it. I’m sorry because even though I rejected you, I was so selfish that I still wanted to keep you for myself without realizing that you probably needed to be away from me to move on. I’m sorry because…” you swallowed.
Mark was just looking at you, eyebrows slightly raised in anticipation of what you were going to say next. You missed him. You missed that cute face of his. You missed being in his presence. You missed his voice and his laugh and how he loves teasing you even if he probably feels like shit inside. You missed everything. Four weeks have been too long without each other. Four weeks is too long without your best friend. Four weeks is too long without your home. And that’s when you realized…
“... I can’t let you go. And I might be too late, but I’m sorry that I only just realized why.”
“Why?” he asked. 
It was a simple question. Why? Yet it managed to carve out every single feeling you’ve ever felt for this boy. Every little moment he made you laugh. Every small heartbreak you get when he fails to keep his tiny promises. Every single night you ‘accidentally’ fell asleep next to each other. Every ounce of fulfillment you get when you finally convince him to sleep after a long day. Every goodnight. Every good morning. Everything.
“I love you,” you said. It sounded almost like an exhale.
For a moment, Mark didn’t reply. Your head immediately started swarming with unwelcomed thoughts. Maybe you were too late. You almost forgot about Mina who he seems to be having an excellent time with. Maybe he managed to move on within those four weeks. It’s possible, right? You had your chance and you missed it. 
Finally, Mark let out a laugh, his head falling down to look at the floor. “I told you you didn’t have to say it back,” he said, voice soft.
You shook your head. “I’m not saying it because you said it first,” you said. “I realize this might be the worst timing but I just thought you should know you weren’t the only one being stupid enough to fall for their best friend. I was just too dumb to realize that that’s what it was.”
“Why would it be the worst timing?” He frowned.
You felt like crying again. You really wish you had some alcohol in your system right now. Why is this whole confession thing taking so long? “‘Cause you’re dating Mina? Or trying to. I don’t know. I tried not keeping tabs on you because our friends are assholes who wouldn’t stop teasing me. She’s pretty, by the way. You two look good together.”
Mark laughed again. It was raw and real this time, and god, the way your chest tightened in endearment at the sound was so pure. “You thought me and Mina are dating?”
“Aren’t you? I’ve seen you guys together a lot.” Well, once. But you tend to overestimate things.
“No!” He snorted. “Jaemin and I are trying to get her and Jeno together. If anything, she made me realize that we definitely aren’t just friends.”
“Really?” Now you just feel stupid. But what else is new? It’s all you’ve been feeling lately. Come to think of it, Mark and Mina didn’t even come close to how you two act with each other.
“Really,” he said. “Friends don’t stay at each other’s place and cuddle with each other just to fall asleep, Y/N. Besides, I said I love you, didn’t I? Did you really think that’s just gonna go away that quickly?”
“Mark, I can’t even sort my feelings out. How am I supposed to figure out how yours work?” You sighed.
“Fine. Just to be clear, I still love you. Even if you don’t, I love you,” he said, taking both your hands and placing it on his shoulder before putting his on your waist.
“But I do.”
“Say it then.”
“I love you. Even if you’re the dorkiest person I know, I love you.” Your fingers tangled themselves in his hair. You’ve run your hands through his hair so many times before. You wondered why it never crossed your mind that you liked doing it not because his hair is soft but because you were sucker for the domestic feeling of it.
Mark couldn’t stop himself from smiling that he had to bury his face at the crook of your neck. “I’m not used to this, sorry.”
“Me neither,” you laughed.
When he finally composed himself, he pulled away just enough to look at you. All those times you’ve stood this close before does not even compare to how it’s like right now. This is the perfect mix of feeling new but familiar.
“You have no idea how many mornings I fought the urge to kiss you whenever we wake up next to each other,” he said in a soft voice.
“Well, nothing’s stopping you know, is there?” you muttered, eyes fluttering to his lips.
You pulled Mark down by the neck as he pulled you closer to him, your lips finally connecting. The idea of kissing him isn’t new to you. There were so many times before that you’ve found yourself inches away from his face and slamming your lips together wouldn’t have been such a bad idea. But this is the first you actually kissed him yet he felt so familiar that you were almost sure you’ve done this a million times before. His lips were soft against yours that it made you weak in the knees. If he weren’t holding onto you like he was, you probably would’ve crumpled already.
The two of you pulled away, breathless.
“Wow,” he breathed. “That didn’t even come close to how I imagined it would feel like.”
You laughed. “This whole night didn’t come close to how I imagined it would be like. I thought you were gonna keep on ignoring me. And honestly, I wouldn’t know how to cope anymore because I really, really miss you already. So thanks for saving me.”
“Stop making me blush. I don’t know how I can possibly love you more than this.”
You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. This was only one of the very few times that the reality went better than your expectations. But then again, maybe you and Mark have always been meant to happen. It was happening even before you realized it was. And now that you finally managed to sort how you both felt, there was no more wasting chances.
“Do I still have to ask you to be my girlfriend?” he asked.
“We’ve literally slept in the same bed so many times. I’d be more surprised if we’re not dating already,” you joked.
Mark grinned. “You’re literally the only one who didn’t realize that until today, but it’s okay, I still love you.”
You laughed. “Wanna go outside and pretend we didn’t make up? I’m 100% sure Jaemin betted on us.”
“I worry how your mind works sometimes, Y/N,” Mark said with a frown before kissing you on the forehead. “But let’s do it.”
You smiled. You’ve said it a lot but you really missed this proximity. You missed being able to hug him whenever you want, and now you can kiss him whenever you want too. You wanted to say you could get used to this, but the thing is… you already are.
941 notes · View notes
si-nging-ren · 4 years ago
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*CRACKS KNUCKLES*
okay. ive decided im going to discontinue the jirou x reader fanfic "wrong number, my bad" for a number of reasons that i will get into in a bit. i have also, however, decided to create an smau for hawks (probably not, but who ive decided on for now) x reader, based on something more personal about me. the goal of the story being more personal is to give me a better layout for how it should continue on and the feelings can be more genuine than me making up stories on a whim and hoping they work. i will give out the plan for wnmb, however, so that anybody interested can still understand how the story wouldve ended.
now as for why im abandoning wnmb.
1. i dont feel the energy to write it anymore. i dont like where the story is going, and with my current mental state and status at school, i dont have the ability to start over or try again. i font have the ideas for the story and just dont vibe with it.
2. mental reasons. i can't stick to the schedule i made for the story as well as i used to be able to, and also personal mental health reasons that sort of keep me from doing so.
3. there are personal life reasons that cause this, but jirou has slowly evolved into somewhat of a discomfort character. i dont want to get into the reasons as to why, but i dont like her that much and bad memories come up whenever i try to sit with her in my head for too long.
thats really all for why i dont want to continue wnmb, but for anybody interested, here was the plan as to how the story was planned out (via notes):
- [x] yn and mina and ochaco do be talking doe
- [x] basically introductions
- [x] same with jirou baku toko yaomomo and denks
- [x] but THEN
- [x] yn and jirou talk :DDD
- [x] jirou basically says that theyre not annoying
- [x] yn says their typical clown shit
- [x] "aidjskjdh thanks you daddy 🥺"
- [x] jirou doesnt answer for a wholeass hour
- [x] "sorry had to go to church and clense from that sin"
- [x] "o-oh okay 😔 daddy doesnt love me"
- [x] "there are so many things wrong with that"
- [x] "😳😳😳"
- [x] "im starting to wish that i blocked you"
- [x] "nONONONONO IM SORRY"
- [x] "nyways what did you wanna talk about d-"
- [x] "......."
- [x] "arling :)))"
- [x] poor jirou just wanted to know about who they are
- [x] "name, hobby, talent, interests, whatever i just wanna know about you"
- [x] yn hops over to twitter all "omg theyre so sweet 🥺🥺🥺"
- [x] naturally ochaco and mina are all "fake bestie wtf are u talking about"
- [x] yn is laughing awkwardly and is just,,, "oh nothing 😳😳"
- [x] (nobody believes them)
- [x] then they ask about jirou but she has to give false info
- [x] except for her gender its fine if she says that
- [x] she hops over to the squad
- [x] panicking
- [x] "guys wtf i think i just committed a crime"
- [x] "nono youre fine what happened"
- [x] "i made a fake identity so the person who contacted me wouldnt know it was me"
- [x] "do they even know you???"
- [x] "YES they said they really liked our music and im PANICKING"
- [x] "okok calm down its not illegal or anything"
- [x] "i think"
- [x] "YOU T H I N K ? "
- [x] "yeah sorry :// but like you did this to yourself lmaooo"
- [x] jirou awkwardly hops back to yn
- [x] "yeah i think that band is pretty cool too im actually friends with some of them"
- [x] i mean its not false
- [x] ":ooo omg rlly?????? theyre so cool aaa 🥺🥺 maybe we can meet one day at one of their concerts 👉👈 jkjk...... unless 😳"
- [x] little did they know
- [x] LMAOO jk
- [x] kinda
- [ ] they end up talking for hoursss and mina and ochaco ask one day if they wanna hang out
- [ ] theyre all "hell yesss 🥴 where we goin??"
- [ ] a bar. they go to a fucking bar. (btw its to celebrate minas new job thingyyy)
- [ ] drink responsible kiddosss
- [ ] nyways afterwards she ends up talking to jirou bout how shes super nice and would love to be friends with her more
- [ ] jirou has gay panic tm
- [ ] like actually theyre rlly cute fuck
- [ ] yn asks if they can call since theyve never heard her voice or seen her
- [ ] jirous all ".....theyre drunk they wont recognize my voice"
- [ ] also shes rlly groggy since its TWO IN THE DAMN MORNING
- [ ] jirou calls her and yn asks if she wants to meet someday bby doesnt understand okay
- [ ] jirou panics and asks if they can get to know each other more first
- [ ] yn is hurt but understands and agrees
- [ ] yn asks to play 20 questions
- [ ] jirou asks if theyre a preteen jokingly
- [ ] yn whines and says its either that or a drinking game
- [ ] not wanting yn to drink anymore, she sighs and agrees
- [ ] she ends up finding out:
1. yn has a cat
2.
3. thats it, yn passed out
- [ ] jirou fell asleep on call later nd they didnt hang up until jirou woke up later and realized that awake yn would recognize her
- [ ] she quickly hung up and then sent them a good morning text
- [ ] bitches be playin
- [ ] but yn doesnt mind theyre a gay, dumb clown
- [ ] yn asks what minas job was since they never found out- god their dumb
- [ ] mina says its the typical teaching thing but its for ome of yns favorite bands
- [ ] "ooh, who are they?"
- [ ] "they said their name was blackbear! pretty sure youve talked about them some times before"
- [ ] "omygod mina you dont understnad if you could somehow find a way for me to find them i would literally marry u"
- [ ] "please dont. but ill try boo dw"
- [ ] she ends up doing it
- [ ] but inbetween then they end up getting rlly close like numerous calls and texts and learning more about each other until they realize they like her
- [ ] yn is super happy all "bro u guys are so awesome"
- [ ] bby girl is vibrating.
- [ ] LMAOO YOU WANNA KNOW JOWNTHEY FIND OUT
- [ ] THEY AND JIROU END UP BECOMING RLLY CLOSE LIKE THEY FRIENDSSSS
- [ ] AND SHE ASKS FOR THEIR NUMBER
- [ ] THEIR STILL JITTERY BTW SO THEYRE LIKE WOAH RLLY???? ID LOVE TO BRO
- [ ] AND JIROU PUTS HER NUMBER IN YNS PHONE AND SEES THE NAME "nd strikes" COME UP ND SHES LIKE "HUH MUST BE A GLITCH"
- [ ] BUT YNS ALL
- [ ] "HAHA SOMEONE NAMED "BBY" CAME UP WHEN I TYPED IN MY NUMBER I WONDER WHO THAT IS"
- [ ] "MAYBE I TYPED IT WRONG" CAUSE BBY IS DUMB
- [ ] MEANWHILE JIROU IS PANICKED CAUSE "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEYRE BBY"
- [ ] SO SHE HANDS THEM THIER PHONE BACK AWKWARDLY AND YN SEES THEIR OLD MESSAGES AND PANICKS
- [ ] "HOLD UP IS STARS JIROU????? HAHHA NO IM BLIND AN D DUMB SURELY NOT"
- [ ] SO THEYRE LIKE "DID U EVER TELL ANYONE UR NAME IS STARS"
- [ ] AND JIROU JUST SIGHS AND IS CLEARLY IN PAIN AND IS JUST "YEAH THATS ME"
- [ ] ALL YN DOES IS LAUGH AND GO "YO THATS KINDA GAY"
- [ ] JIROU IS PAINED
- [ ] LIKE SHE THINKS THEIR GONNA HATE HER BUT????? NO??????????? SHES CONFUSED LMAOO
- [ ] yn blinks and realizes she should probably confess or smth
- [ ] "uhm, jirou?"
- [ ] "yeah whats up?"
- [ ] "aCTUALLY NVM ILL TELL YOU LATER-"
- [ ] later in a call they say it
- [ ] jirou is rlly smart and all but her first thought was "its cause of who i am. this happened immediately after."
- [ ] some part of her is screaming that its feelings and that she likes them back but she ignores it.
- [ ] like this has to be bad right???
- [ ] nyways jirou ghosts her like a clown and rants to the band b-wordssss gc
- [ ] yn cries to the babiest of the babies 🥺🥺🥺 gc
- [ ] yn asks if she just doesnt care about them now that shes seen them
- [ ] jirou realizes "wait fuck maybe im wrong"
- [ ] spoiler alert: she is
- [ ] she sort of goes "i didnt rlly think that you actually liked me actually
- [ ] yn starts crying
- [ ] (this is over call btw)
- [ ] "why tf wouldnt i?!"
- [ ] "bc you confessed right after you knew who i was"
- [ ] "istfg so our conversations just dont matter ig"
- [ ] jirou is confused
- [ ] like??? she gets that theyre mad but she does understand why so much
- [ ] "listen i just need to know if you like me back or not please. before i start crying again."
- [ ] she decided to not comment on how they were already crying
- [ ] "yes i like you okay"
- [ ] "do you actually?"
- [ ] "yes. istag that i actually like you and im not shitting u. if you want ill go there rn"
- [ ] ".....yes pls"
- [ ] "i need your address though"
- [ ] "oh yeah– its *address*"
- [ ] jirou arrives all nervous and shit
i didn't have anything planned out after that, but it was probably gonna be a kiss scene or something idk
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briteboy · 7 years ago
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okay i’m gonna be real with you. i have...a LOT...of messages. going as far back as like...january? probably? i know...i’m so bad...don’t crucify me. i tried to get through all of them but there were a lot that i didn’t have a worthwhile reply for so i’m sorry if i didn’t answer something you sent :{
so here we have: a lot of nice things, a lot of santisms, reactions to the lou and cillian punchout, a few responses to my portfolio and other stuffs...i wanted to put astrology asks in at the end but it’s...a lot more than i thought it was and it’s 3 am so i’d rather die than answer all of those LMAO sorry. i’ll get to it next time
Anonymous said:
u can delete the snorting cum asks but it will still follow you for eternity
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okay so I saw the ask about snorting cum and it reminded me of a time that cum came out of my nose. It was gross but my boyfriend and I laughed it off. idk. I thought it would be a funny thing to share!! i'd understand if you didn't want this on your blog!! (maybe it makes you laugh!!)
wELL. WE’RE OFF TO A GOOD START HERE. i’m screaming at this...i hope nothing EVER comes out of my nose ever in life...i hate this but ur right it did make me laugh
(Winry anon again) Also, did you get her name from FMA Winry Rockbell because if so I love it
hehe...yes...
hornybodies
this is what bartsim calls me and i hate her for it
whats the truth bitch
I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THIS IS ABOUT BUT I’M LAUGHIGN
i never realised how much i actually missed santi but now im CRYING AND I WANT HIM BACK IN EVERY SINGLE POST WITH LOU BY HIS SIDE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER PLEASE
I missed santirat's beautiful face there are literal tears rn
me too...i hate that i miss him so much it’s so freaking dumb...i haven’t cried to my own story in a while but i bet i’m gonna once santi’s comeback rolls around. i’m already bracing myself
nvm u can have the lovely rat back, that way my heart wouldn’t be hurting like it is now
honestly yeah that’s fair
Been silently following your blog and though I'm more of a "ghost"(? What does that even mean¿) follower, I can't help but express just how chocked I am to see Santi again OMG. Gutted Lou has had a flashback, she does not deserve this. :'(
hello casper the friendly ghost...i love having santi pop up with surprise flashbacks hehe...ur right though she DOES NOT NEED THIS in her life, but it will get better for her soon do not fret my ghoulish friend
I need more pics of Lou and Santi together I’m not satisfied, thankssss
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ELI AND MIYU GETTING SO EXCIted WHEN LOU TOLD THEM SHE LIKES GIRLS MY HEART :’)
HEHEH i love it cause that’s literally how my friends and i act, it was fun to write in a scene :~} i’m glad you liked it :’}}
Yeah when I cut my hair short everyone assumed I liked girls I found it kind of odd, but I didn't care too much. It mostly just made me end up realizing all the shit lgbt people go through, one time a guy literally went up to me and my friend, my bff who no one really knew was a lesbian was terrified because he said "oh dont worry lesbians are hot, but gay guys are just disgusting" it ended up he was talking to me, i just rolled up a piece of paper as tight as I could and smacked him on the head
EWW first of all that guy can take his weird fetishization and homophobia elsewhere thanks...i’m glad you threw a paper ball at him LMAO. but yeah on one hand, coming from ignorant/straight people it’s like “uhhhh why would you assume that about me”, within the lgbt community it’s like...common ground...an inside joke...i guess? so it’s weird. the link between hair, clothes and sexuality is can definitely be harmful in certain circumstances
fiona is my spirit animal and i love her ok thanks for coming to my TED Talk
that was illuminating thank you
i re-read santis story and i s2g i've read it so many times idk, but like its so easy to read i dont mean like emotionally but it flows really well. and like its not too confusing i hate when people make overly convoluted stories in an excuse for being deep its some good shit good job my dude
AKJSDKGKSJD THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i never expected anyone to read it oNCE let alone REPEATEDLY...that really makes me so happy though because it’s definitely something you have to go back and read to catch all the details. ahhhhh thank you so much, i never ever want my story to be too complicated so i’m glad you don’t think it is!!
im crying because your recent post reminds me so much of my relationship with my mom when i was younger... she was always out of a job and sometimes we had to resort to living with other family members, it was all really hard on her and especially with having a kid she had to take care of at the same time. even though these are fictional characters, it’s comforting to know that other people have gone through the same situations i have. i love fiona and lou so much, they’re my heart and soul <3
OMG ;_________; i’m crying i’m so glad it resonates with you...i had a lot of friends growing up who were in similar situations and i think i kinda based lou and fi’s relationship on that, so you’re definitely not alone <33 i’m so glad you love them i love u
basically what I’ve learned from these asks is that Gianni is a perfect god-like human and I want one
he is. one time an anon told me they were like santi but they wanted to be rooney and i was like “i’m both santi and rooney on different days and i want to be gianni.” now u know why
hi, i just wanted to pop in and say that i really, really love your blog and i admire your editing skills SO much, i think you are EXTREMELY talented and i don't think you get told that enough. i've been following you for awhile now and i am in love with ALL of your stories, characters and edits you've put out! you're really an inspiration to me and i hope someday my edits can turn out as good as yours!! i don't have reshade so it's harder for me, but i'm trying to learn!! ok have a good day :-)
OMFG ;-; I DO GET TOLD IT A LOT AND IT STILL SEEMS FAKE...you don’t have to go out of your way to compliment me ;___; but thank you so so so much i’m crying...it makes me so giddy that i might inspire someone like WHAT...i don’t even know what i’m doing half the time i edit so u will definitely be able to catch up to me one day even if you don’t have reshade, i know it. i edited without reshade for like 2 and a half years on this blog so you can do it i promise!! have a good day/night/life i love u
fuck my succ
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I'm in need of some giannti in my life
we all need some gianti in our lives
Hey! I just wanted to say that ur an amazing writer. You portray everything so well, it’s insane. I want to be a writer someday and I hope my writing is at least somewhat close to yours. Have an awesome day my dude💕
WOW I’M CRYING...i still have a lot of room to grow and so do you, i hope you are able to become the writer you want to be :’} and thank you so much for the wonderful compliment i’m emo have a great day as well
aver is my queen, confirmed.
avey is everyone’s queen confirmed
oksy but listen, look up the model Charlotte Ray Spencer
i did but i couldn’t find her?? all that came up was ray spencer obituaries in charlotte, SC LMFAO...charlotte spencer is an actress tho it seems, is that...who...? omfg
MAY I JUST OFFER THIS NEW SONG OF THE NEIGHBOURHOOD CALLED VOID BC I HAVE A FEELING SANTI WOULD LOVE IT (it's also meant for my aggressive sadboi oc)
OH I LOVE THIS IT FITS PERFECTLY WITH THE PLAYLIST I’M MAKING FOR THE NEW ERA OF SANTI...THANK YOU I’M TOTALLY ADDING IT
I had a ectopic pregnancy when I was seventeen but I feel like I got off lightly compared to Molly. Your story is so beautiful in so many ways, I think it’s incredible how much character development you’ve managed to pull off honestly I’m amazed. Thank you ❤️
omg ;_______; i don’t even know what to say to this, but it means so much to me i can’t even put it into words. thank you thank you thank you so much, and i’m so sorry you had to go through that as well. molly was an extreme case and i hope no one has to go through what she went through. i’m glad you’re okay now, and thank you so much for reaching out to me and reading my story at all ;-; <3333
just a heads up: the links button on your ccfinds blog goes to the femmefinds url still
oh yeah i know i’m gonna be real with you...i’m too lazy to fix it lmAO
Luv your stick n poke tats u posted!!! Could u do more? Maybe on diff places on the bod?? Ur so talented. Xx
omg that was FOREVER ago...maaaaaybe in the future...we shall see...but thank you <33
Can u do a family portrait for all ur characters like u did w Lou!!!
oooooh hehe i probably will in the future!!
Kill v maim is one of my favorite songs of all time omg it makes me wanna wear ripped jeans and a leather jacket and cover myself in glitter and smash some windows with a baseball bat MMMMMM
HELL yeah me too...i become a cyber punk alien vampire when i hear that song
maybe do a casting call posted here ? u have many followers and im sure a good chunk live in ur area and would be willing to model ^_^
omg SCARY...i probably could tho tbh that’s a good idea, thank you!
hi sunny, what program do you use to merge your cc and what do you use to detect and remove broken cc that just doesn't work in game anymore? thanks!
i actually haven’t merged on my new laptop yet but i used s4s for merging and there’s the mod conflict detector!!
My game hasn't been working since the first Cats and Dogs patch but I uninstalled and reinstalled and it finally works again 😭
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sunny!! would you recommend your computer to play ts4 on? has it good graphics, can handle the highest settings and so? i really need a new computer but i have no idea which one to go for
yes i would recommend it!! i have reshade, ultra settings and like 8 gb of cc.
thanks for answering my ask eee ur story is probably the best ive read on here and yeah. i love how everything connects and everyones just so real. you dont have to post this i just wanted to thank you for being my inspiration and making me smile, laugh, cry, and scream in the middle of the night with your characters.
I LOVE U...it still sounds so fake to me when people say i inspire them, i don’t even know how to respond to all this ;-; just thank you for sparing a glance my way and resonating with my creations. <3 we scream and cry 2gether
I listened to Separator by Radiohead on repeat whilst reading Santi’s story and now that song just reminds me of him and Lou. I’d totally suggest listening to it’s so good! As is your story :3 xxx
oh radiohead that’s good sh*t...i’m listening to it now and i feel the santou vibes...especially when santi’s feeling out of his mind and she’s the only one who can calm him...haha cool..anyways THANK YOU!!!!
how do you make poses for the roof? i'm not sure how i can know if the sims will clip into the roof or float
honestly i just...eyeball it...because all roofs are different and you can’t put them into blender so. i just winged it lmao...i just made a pose that looked like it could’ve been lou climbing out the window, only the rig was still ground level, and then i used alt + 9 to lift the teleporter onto the roof as best as i could. that’s why it probably wouldn’t be a very practical pose to release, because i have no way of making it easy to use 
Lou punched him and I knew it would happen. 😀👌 nice, nice I like Lou whopping ass.
hehe i’m glad you enjoyed it...who knew she had a freaking hook like that
ok a theory... santi went to look for molly's mother and yea
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omg tell me cillian sings every other freckle at some point
OMFG well...that song came out in 2013 and the current flashback year is 2008 so. i would personally murder cillian myself if he was still in lou’s life 5 years after this honestly
hey kitty girl! i was wondering if you could answer this teensy lil question i got. im writing a "story" anddd i was trying to figure out how to make some parts not cliche. like i hate reading about whatever and being like girll ive done seen this before so i just needs to know. kisses
i absolutely love how this is worded and the fact that u called me kitty, very cute. anyway...this is pretty broad, perhaps you could clarify what kinda cliches you want to steer clear from? a lot of the time when i know something is gonna be cliche and there’s no avoiding it, i just kinda own up to it and try to subtly point out how cliche it is and somehow that makes it work out better...like being self aware somehow adds another more realistic element to the story that makes it better? idk...anyway dm me if you need help!!
so.... lou can remember more of what happened? this is good! go 2 the police bitch! tell them!!!!!!!
she should!! but the only problem is she doesn’t have proof. so... 🤔
how do you write your stories in a way that everything is organized and you're certain and not confused with everything? i mean, do you have any way for writing that let you develop your stories with not so much difficults? i'm trying to write an story for months but i only have a few of the most important events on my mind, i don't know how to develop another important details, i always feel that everything is confuse or crap
hmmmmm well my mind is very ah convoluted so it’s a wonder any of this comes out even somewhat cohesive? but basically i have a very good memory and utilize google docs a lot hahaha. i’ve gone in depth about my writing process here!
whats a good way when it comes to starting a sims story? i mean like the first post? :/
ummmmmm maybe test the waters a bit and just make a post introducing your character(s) first? or dive right in and get sh*t started. it could go either way tbh
boyish by japanese breakfast is a santixlou bop
oh sh*t!!!!!! i love japanese breakfast!! and i love this thank you!
So is lou like into cillian in a way? Making him kinda be in her type
as of right now (in the flashbacks)? HELL fucking no. but you’re right, she did say those things in the future to santi. so 🤔
Everyone guessing shit stupidly annoys me haha. I'M UNOBSERVANT AND I DON'T WANNA GO BACK AND CHECK SHIT, LET ME LIVE. *Like* if you a ~dum~ reader who doesn't want every bit of foreshadowing called out. lol
i respect this honestly whenever i drop the hottest foreshadowing of 2018 i never expect my inbox to flood like it does but here we are and i am amazed
CILLIAN NEEDS TO FUCKING FIGHT ME (TYPING THIS ON MY COMPUTER BC I SAW HIS DINOSAUR ASS AND CHUCKED MY PHONE OUT THE WINDOW)
i’m screaming...i’m so sorry it’s my fault about your phone but like also i’m poor i can’t pay for that
i'm studying your latest posts because they're beautiful and my hatred for that long necked bitch is intensifying -- what makes me burn even more is that he's still wearing her necklace, can we say let the bitch burn?
burn babey burn
Why don't you use quick tags?
i’m dumb is why
CILLIAN IS SUCH A SHITASS I HATE HIS FACE WHY R U DOING THIS TO ME
BRUHHHHH THE DINOSAUR LOOKIN ASS BOY IS B A C K run
WAIT THE NECKLACE. HE STOLE THE MCFUCKING NECKLACE BROOOOO
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What if Fi's blue eyes are from... Cillian..?
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wHY did you have to make him cute and fucking cool though? I still hate him but it's harder.
NVM I JUST LOOKED AT THE POST AGAIN HES WEARING HER NECKLACE INHOPE SHE CHOKES HIMS WOTH IT THIS TIME
I SCREAMED AT THIS SERIES OF QUESTIONS OISDFNGJKDSKJN yeah sorry he’s conventionally attractive but unsettlingly so and i feel uneasy when i look at him and plus the fact that he’s literally evil so .
im like, to 90% sure that cillian is in ace joker. so that song might have reminded lou of him...
this was sent right after that scene of lou hearing the song at pippin’s, so
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My conspiracy theory is that cillian is Lou's father. Speakimg of which are we gonna get to that soon, I'm dying of curiosity;.;
I’M LAUGHING I THINK U MEANT FIONA’S FATHER AKSJDKJGDSJ but yeah well. You’ll See
what do u resize ur photos to?
whatever 33% of 1920x1080 is i forget. i have a resizing + sharpening action so i just run that
im about to kill those kids if they keep fucking with my baby
THESE BITCHES BULLYING MY BABY LOU? CATCH THESE HANDS
me @ these ugly kids:
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Who are the best creators for mens clothing? I struggle so much to find good cc creators with men specifically!
badabing badaboom
I’m not sure if you’ve converted things before but do you know any good sims 3 cc to sims 4 tutorials? Or your followers?
errrrrr i have no idea i’m sorry :x
would you consider making like a photoshop psd file with all the layers in your editing process?
omg...heck no it would be so unhelpful OMFG mostly because my editing is just my own action + shading and highlighting unique to that pic
would you ever do an editing timlapse of your gameplay pics? 💖💖
ahhhhh maybe!! probably in the future!
OMG HEATHERS WAS FILMED AT MY HIGH SCHOOL AND IM JUST HYPED UP SEEING IT BEING MENTIONED ON THIS ACCOUNT!!
OMFG THAT’S RAD...i’ve literally only seen it once tho i’m fake
I'M SHOOK. my friend kinda asked me out and I wanna say yes but my parents won't let me date. I'm 18! I need your advice! -signed 18 and alone anon
um UR 18 BUDDY UR AN ADULT...DATE WHOEVER THE F*CK U WANT HONESTLY
Can you pretty please link some photoshop tutorials you recommend? I really want to make my photos more cinematic and like your's without totally copying you or someone else. All I do right now is sharpen, color balance, and add some noise and then resize. I really need some more ways to get better looking photos such as yours.
ahhhhh the problem is i don’t know of any i’m sorry...lmao this is totally unhelpful :\ i have my own editing tutorial which is outdated but can probably help you out with the basics of lighting effects and shading n stuff?
Heyyy, I saw that you answered a question about making a ps action like your reshade, and I just wanted to say that I would love that! Unfortunately Mac users like me, can’t use reshade unless boot camping Windows onto our computers...☹️ and your reshade is just soooo pretty...
i don’t know if i’ll be able to replicate the reshade effect totally but i could release the action i’ve made for myself? it warms up screenshots but is totally adjustable to your liking for different color tones so in that way it’s kinda similar to the reshade. i’ll seeeeee what i can do...i know the woes of mac users all too well, my friend
i just wanna give lou a big ol cozy hug :o((( pls
pls hug her she needs it.
Do you post on tumblr from your phome or from your computer? Just curious.
mostly from my computer, sometimes i answer messages on my phone while i’m out and you can tell because autocorrect actually makes me use proper capitalization for once in my life
how many hours have you played the sims? for me i have 4,070 hours. haha help
OMFG i think mine is like...900 or something...i can’t tell if that’s too much or too little, but it’s definitely inaccurate
if i could only look at one person's tumblr from now on it would be yours. ur literally the queen of tumblr #shookaf and also i really hope i die before you ever say ur leaving tumblr cause when u do, i will legit die and bury my own grave. i really appreciate u and hope one day i can be on ur level but rn im at level 1.5 while ur up in the millions :D
I’M SCREAMING PLEASE I AM A PLEB.............i cry u flatter me too much ;-; i genuinely hope i never leave this place because it’s been so fun and it’s helped me evolve so much as an artist and a writer, plus i made some of my greatest friends on here. so i hope that day never comes!! but who knows life is wild. anyway i’m sure you’re actually like at level 578 and are just being modest. it’s okay you don’t have to be humble
i think its so cool that you and wanderlust and other simmers use multiple worlds to make your own town and stuff. idk why but thats just so cool to me and i would have never thought of it. love your blog and story <3
omg!!! well i couldn’t resist, i love a bunch of them and can’t limit myself to just one ya know. plus the more i thought about it, the more my gen 2 story kinda centers around these kids from this one town and the town itself is very relevant. so i felt like i had to make my own!! and i’m very excited to get started with that hehe
I just met a guy named Rodrigo Santiago and I sCREAMED HOLY SHIT
Update (tho idk of you got the first one): I just got a text from a classmate named Rodrigo Santiago. I'm sCREECHING
no freaking way. there’s no way i don’t believe...i want proof...
YOU SO FUCKIN PRECIOUS WHEN U SMILE
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dont worry about posting this or do idc but i just wanted to say you should write about whatever you want and not care about whether people think you condone it or not. if i (a gay male) were to write about lesbians its not like im saying YOU HAVE TO BE LESBIANS BLAH BLAH BLAH you know what i mean? or if im writing about a robbery doesnt mean im like condoning robbery so like idk you do you boo and keep it coming ;D ilysm btw
OMFG no yeah i get it, i mean i think now especially in this online environment, people are hyper aware of Problematique things and so they’re a little too quick to point fingers without looking deeper than the surface. and whatever it’s fine people are always gonna be like that because people are mostly inherently judgmental, especially when it comes to consuming media. artists/writers face stuff like this all the time because people refuse to look past the surface, hence why works have gotten misconstrued all the time. but yeah i really appreciate this sentiment, thank u i love u
hope this isnt a weird question but what is the image size that u used for your character page?? thnk u 💕
omg it’s 300x300
have u listened to visions of gideon by sufjan stevens i was listening to it while reading ur stories and it made me so :(
oh my boy sufjan aka gianni’s personality claim i love him...and this song is :{ but i love even if it’s from the nasty age gap peach fucking movie
If i was married to Jamie and he treatin’ our daughter like that… oh I swear HES GOT TO GO!
it’s 2 am i’m so tired answering all of these i forgot who jaime was for a sec i was like um why are we talking about GoT anyways good night
how does alpha hair work with reshade? it seems so good in your screenshots and i’ve seen that in others screenshots it looks bad? whats the secret?
well good morning haha jk i never went to sleep anyway here u go
hooow do you make adorable toddlers in ts4?? teach me, gimme some advice please :(((
chubby cheeks! big eyes! small faces! little but plump lips! a good skin! dats all
how did u get ur sim onto the fire escapes?
ze teleporter mod, that’s it
I snickered at the, THE RETURN OF SANTI. Like I imagine it written in red horror lettering and santi just busts down the door and says ho ho ho im back bench, Did U miss me?
honestly i own a calendar and if i knew a definite date u already fucking kNOW it would be up there
ahhh im sorry for asking but im wondering how you find voice claims?? i'm looking for some for my sims, but it's tough to find one that's *right*, you know?? and your voice claims are great!! thank you <3
OMG voice claims are HARD, i literally just like “collect” them over time...i have a list in my phone of voices i like/may use in the future lmao, but try to think of actors or musicians and search interviews/movie or tv scenes with them speaking!!
i don't even read your story but i still follow you because i love your personality, sim style and just your whole entire tumblr
u follow me for ME? UM...what are u doing here...i’m so sorry (i love u...)
do you have a different reshade preset for flashback screenshots and for the present ones?
i do not!! i just edit differently
what happened to the honeycomb?
OMFG it’s still there...but we legit haven’t seen it since girooni’s wedding so um...it’s gonna have to get a makeover. i’m gonna do it when girooni come back home so i can finally show rupi working there like...wow...she deserves to be seen
lou's dad is the biggest asshole and i am waiting for the day that bitch dies
us when he dies
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shit theory: caroline goes to find and confront cillian about what he did in teen lou timeline. care ends up forming a crush on cillian and goes back to meet him several more times, but cillian ends up liking lou more which makes caroline jealous. and that's why they don't speak currently, 'cause cillian ruined lou's life in more ways than one.
uM holy fuck that’s all i got to say
pls tell me that Caro killed the dude that choked Lou (or beat his ass)
god i hope so !
how many people do you follow? are you “strict” with who you follow?
i follow 264 people and yeah i’ve gotten a bit stricter with it just cause like...i only want to follow people whose content i truly care about/will actually notice on my dash
would you ever do a sim dump?
probably in the future, it seems like people want more male and female sims from me SO
ramona got some moves tf
the girl is out here bobbing to the chicken dance like nobody’s business
have u seen the end of the fucking world? if u did what are your #thots
UM......................i watched the first episode ‘cause i heard so much about it and um.............................it was so bad OMFG i hated it. way too edgy for me. completely missed the mark. not into it at all. hard pass
CAN LOU PLEASE HAVE A MAN IN HER LIFE WHO IS NOT A COMPLETE TWAT PLEASE
HOPEFULLY ezra will follow through with that and i don’t necessarily mean in a romantic way but like...as her new roommate MAYBE he will be a blessing we can HOPE
I'm not sure if you've been asked this or not, but your poses are so good and I was wondering if you have ever considered making a pose pack? Sorry if this came off as rude! I love your posts!
i will probably in the future!! but first i gotta figure out which ones i’d actually include
okay so this is random but I just wanted to say that I absolutely love your sims stories. Everything is so perfect and I'm forever shook because I can't believe the "sets" you use are actually the game. Your sims are so fleshed out and you are a huge inspiration to me. Anyways sorry if this was weird but I'm like obsessed with ur blog. bYe
AJHSDHJFSD THANK YOU!!!!!!! yes somehow we work miracles into this game can u believe it...ahh but thank you so much, it means everything that i would inspire you in any way...like what...omg
Santi is actually standing outside present Lou’s apartment wondering where the fuck he went wrong
he’s been there for 6 months just on the street standing there please someone let him in .
LOUUUU OH MY GODDD SKKDSNSJDH MY BABY. SO THATS HOW SHE GOT THE SCAR. WOW
there it is fellas. this message is sooooo old i’m so bad
Have you read/heard of The Lunar Chronicles
i have not!! but i’ll jot it down!
I was wondering if you’ve ever had any problems with skins? For me some on the palm side of the hand it’s noticeably darker than what the skin is supposed to be.. like the rest comes out find but the hands are darker.
hmm...that’s weird, i haven’t seen that. i think it probably depends on the skin? or maybe your sim detail settings?
santi my daddy, honeybodies my mommy, lou looking like a cutie when she saw dat tiny puppy. my name is rappin anon, and i just wanted to say, ur are my favorite simblr basically saving my day. rappin anon OUT
o...my god
i love u
i love u...
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chickenfetus · 7 years ago
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HI!!! i like to request ALL of the flowery asks! btw i LOVE ur blog and maybe u????? idk 🌸🌸 (jk i love u alot)
who is this????????/ under cut bc i get rambly 
azalea: what’s one word that describes you?
lame lmao
baby’s breath: what did you want to be when you were a kid?
honestly? my answer’s like yours jen because i wanted to be an astronaut but also a vet and then a few years later i wanted to be something else of a whole different profession but now i know what reality is like and i have no clue what i wanna be whoops
begonia: are you a messy or clean person?
i hate seeing my desk/workspace be messy but i cant bring myself to clean it up either???? bc im lazy 
bleeding heart: has your heart ever been broken?
hMMMMm mmm idk i dont think so
bluebell: do you drink tea or coffee?
i drink tea more than i drink coffee but i drink water more than i drink tea i drink water like. everyday lmao obviously but i drink a lot of water its my brand now
buttercup: what are five things that make you apologetically happy?
what does this mean why is the word apologetically there i cancelled it lmao no negativity in this house
my favorite people (u know who + my friends)
when people answer my anon asks and . they respond with a long reply/seem really happy responding thats my fav fam
this is getting real anime but when i get an UR/4* from scouting 
finding an anime/manga/book that perfectly suits my taste
im very tempted to just say water bc idk what else 2 say��
calla: what’s your favorite book?
ive only read 3 whole books this year but i recommend all of them 
challenger deep - neal shusterman (i could go on about this book for days honestly its so interesting and even though its told by the same person it has two kind of perspectives because there are two settings, that didnt make sense but this book is my new favorite)
see you in the cosmos - jack cheng (i love this one too because its just so warm? made me a little emo but its really good and i love how unique it is, text type wise)
a monster calls - patrick ness (this was something i heard from my school first so i didnt know if i really wanted to get it but its actually pretty good?) 
carnation: what are your five most played songs?
i cant really check using the music app bc i added the songs at different timings so itll be inaccurate ill just do most played song from each band/group
again - astro (this is their best song dont @ me)
letting go - day6
all in/stuck - monsta x
death by a strawberry - dance gavin dance
check yes juliet - we the kings
chrysanthemum: what are you afraid of?
i may not b a child but im still afraid of the dark bc my imagination is wild im also afraid of bugs and disappointing others nice oh shit im also afraid of asking for things
daffodil: what’s your astrological sign?
capricorn 
dahlia: what’s your favorite band?
this question was made for me its day6
daisy: which ‘friends’ character do you relate to the most?
ive never watched friends 
dandelion: are you an extrovert or an introvert?
in between!!!!!
geranium: how has your day been?
its been good!!! i managed to ask my mum 2 take me to hair place so i can get it cut finally and im working on updating my tumblr pages and doing all my tags
hydrangea: what’s your dream job?
pass
iris: who’s your celebrity crush?
pass
lavender: what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received?
oH FUCK FAM my friends got me a kermit toy for my birthday i lvoe it 2 dEATH
lily: what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of?
i got first in my class once wow amazing that was 2 years ago i wish i was as good as the me from 2 years ago 
marigold: what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?
well i want 2 b more hardworking but guess thats too late
morning glory: are you an early bird or a night owl?
now that school is over and i have no reason to wake up early ive become neither which is saddening because... i like waking up at 7am on weekends and doing things early but now i wake up at like 9-10am and i still sleep at 11pm  
orchid: what’s the last movie you saw?
i really dont remember?? maybe uh guardians of the galaxy?? i dont remember who i watched it with and when but it was good actually i remember who i watched it with nvm 
pansy: do you believe in love at first sight?
i dont really believe in romantic love anymore 
peony: what does your url mean?
chicken fetus means an egg
periwinkle: what are you thankful for?
god get ready folks im gonna go on my biggest boxy rant ever...
so boxy is my friend who ive been mutuals for over a year and our first common interest is love live and haikyuu so we had that to talk about but im bad at keeping conversations with ppl on tumblr so that ended quickly but earlier this year or late last year i made a twitter and told people on here about it and she followed me and i didnt really mind/pay attention to the stuff she posted/rted uNTIL. until that fateful day... june 25th... at like 8pm? she rted a pic of mister brian kang with dumb minion glasses on and ok maybe i do believe in love at first sight? bc wow!!!!! whos this dumbass with minion glasses and the fluffiest hair ??? so i slide into boxy’s dm.. expecting an explanation and she gives me a good one saying how brians from a band (i would later find out), day6 and im not a fan of kpop, never have been.. ive only watched like some kpop mvs bc i love my friends so i expect myself to listen to them and get over them as soon as im done. boxy my friend, bless HER she sends me all of their mvs from congratulations to i smile and i watch the first one - i smile and me? i start smiling and i can feel myself getting excited because holy fuck theyre a band! they play fucking instruments??? and at this point im already whipped then i move onto how can i say and that shit blew my mind let me tell you.. so because of boxy... i get to where i am now, proudly stanning 3 groups and if it were not for her i wouldve never gotten into mx as well... boxy is just?? really important to me her impact is just that great?? so im super!! sUPER thankful for her and i dont think she’ll ever see this but boxy i love u thank u so much!! boxy gave me more than one reason to live, and not just exist?? without her i wouldve never been able to make so many (like 2 but hEY) new friends and this probably got so long idk im just really thankful for boxy thank u lord for blessing us with boxy (@/youngkwhom on twitter) (kittenma on tumblr) i hope shes happy forever and i also hope she has good days for the rest of her life?? boxy deserves it i lvoe u boxy
petunia: where were you ten years ago?
10 years ago i was like 6 probably watching pokemon or some shit and getting glasses
poinsettia: where would you like to be in ten years?
dead thanks
poppy: what’s your online persona?
i dont understad the meaning of persona but an egg?????? 
rose: who’s the last person you spent quality time with?
all my classmates in an exam hall for 2 hours, quality time indeed
snapdragon: what are your goals?
pass
sunflower: what’s your favorite quote?
i think i had one before but i forgot so maybe it wasnt my favourite lol idk i dont have one now
tulip: if you had three wishes, what would you wish for?
for all of my favourite people to be happy forever
a good future
i want astro, mx and day6 to get an award for all of their hardwork thanks
violet: what’s one thing most people don’t know about you?
i was gonna say smth negative but lets not hm m m i? ?? ill put smth irl ppl probably dont know either uh hhh i guess?? that i eat a lot?? but also get full really quickly but then really hungry right after that idk thanks digestion
zinnia: do you believe in magic?
no ????/ idk is there any evidence that magic exists 
JEN !!! thank u so much for asking even tho u probably asked just to get back at me but this was still fun ask memes will never get boring bro,. i love u and i hope u have a good evening also i love ur blog too moon anon probably already told u
to anyone who actually bothered reading through this mess - thank you and i hope you have a good day/night too!!
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