#idk about u but i can feel Dan's stress through the texts even so I bet he was happy to help honestly

[lesbianphan]

just had the devastating realization that the list of requests from Phil happened the following day from that exchange we got on wdapteo 5, meaning even though he sounded demanding and specific in the message, that was literally Phil asking Dan for the comfies he offered pre surgery. can't tell u exactly what this changes, but im my head it does lol

[illicitlimerence-writes]

my favorite place | d. ricciardo

pairing: daniel ricciardo x journalist!reader word count: 1.8k words. request: yes/no by an anon: "hi, can you do prompt 12 with daniel where reader is a journalism writer and she was so tired that she came home to the living room full of snacks, mcdonalds and disney+" i decided to use another prompt for this, i hope u don't mind! it's still the same plot, though prompt: low on money/homemade date from this prompt list. warnings: language. a/n: you get this one a bit early bc i'm a dumbass and posted it instead of scheduling it. idk if you've noticed from my previous fics but lately i've been loving the nickname 'lovie' and i intend to keep on using it lmao. PLEASE DON'T SEND REQUESTS FROM THE VALENTINE'S PROMPT LIST. i'll tag all the fics as illicitvalentine's so it's easier to keep track of them.

my masterlist / valentine's day masterlist

(plsss i'm so whipped for this man)

"(y/n), paul is out sick, can you cover for him?" your supervisor asks you.

"uhh, what do you need?" you stop typing on your computer, lifting your head to look at him.

"can you finish his article? the one about the politician's scandal?"

"politician? liam, i write about movies, this is way out of my league," you explain, opening the doc your coworker was working on. "this is going to take me hours to finish."

"sorry, kid, i don't have anyone else. tell you what, you focus on this one and i'll let someone else handle your assignments,”

“no! no, i don’t want someone else to finish mine, i’ll get everything done today,” you turn your back to him, spinning in your chair so you are facing your computer.

“that’s why you’re the best, thanks,” he says, leaving you alone to stress over the amount of work you had to do.

first thing, though, is texting your boyfriend to cancel your plans.

‘have to work late today. someone got sick and liam’s making me cover for him. i’m sorry, raincheck?’

since it was valentine's day, you and daniel had decided to stay home and cook dinner together to celebrate. but since you didn't know what time you'd be home, it was better to move it for another day.

you place your phone on the desk, sighing and rubbing the sides of your temples with your fingers. you take a deep breath, saving all your documents and opened tabs. you went to paul’s profile and opened his latest assignment, reading through his notes and the intro of his article, something about a politician denying human rights and people starting a riot in one of his rallies.

you feel sick to your stomach, this was exactly why you didn’t like writing this sort of topic, it was incredibly difficult to remain neutral when all you wanted to do was point out everything they did wrong.

you prefer to share with the world your love of films, of new opportunities and dreams that came true. of course, there was controversy as well, but you were allowed to give your opinion on those. not here, though.

your phone buzzes, and you look down, unlocking it and reading the text daniel wrote.

‘that sucks, darling:( don’t worry, let me know when you’re done and on your way home, x’

‘i will. love you.’

‘love you, so so much more, baby. don’t stress and overwork yourself too much, i need you.’

‘stop, i’m crying. ily.’

you don’t realize you’re smiling until you see your reflection on the black screen of your phone once you lock it. even just texting with dan helps you to clear your mind for a bit before diving back into a world you’re not too excited to know.

you type and type, getting lost in the sick and gruesome reality of the world you live in. you try your hardest to hurry up and finish it, but once you let yourself take a break and eat something, it’s already 4pm and everyone’s sending in their articles and research for approval. you sigh, munch on your food as you read over everything you had so far. it was pretty much done, you just needed to edit it and send it over to your supervisor. after that, you could finally finish your own projects.

it was a hard shift, from human rights to reviewing a film. but you were extremely happy once you finally had the thumbs up that the article was finished and you could go back to your own little bubble of movies and stories.

“hey, (y/n), some of us are heading to the bar down the street, you coming?” a sports journalist, brenda, asks you, smiling.

“thank you, but i’m not finished yet,” you hadn’t even realized that it was 6pm already, everyone was heading home now.

“what do you mean? you’ve been working nonstop all day, the sound of your keyboard is all everyone heard the whole day,” you smile, you loved the typewriter-style keyboard that daniel had gifted you when you started working for this magazine.

“i had to cover for paul,” you explain, “it was a hard piece for me, so it took most of my day. liam offered to hand my assignments to someone else but,” you shake your head.

“no one knows movies quite like you do,” she nods, agreeing with you. “well, good luck. i’ll see you tomorrow, happy valentine’s,” she smiles, waving her hand.

“happy valentine’s,” you whisper, sighing, you turn on your phone screen just so you could see your valentine.

a picture of daniel at the italian gp, covered from head to toe in champagne. he had this huge grin on his face, bright and euphoric as he held his trophy up in his hand.

just a few more hours and you’ll be in his arms, you comfort yourself with that thought to keep you going. you stretch, hearing your back cracking and get back to work, opening your previous tabs and documents, getting back into the groove quickly.

the time ticks by as you fill your doc with words that flow easily out of your mind once you're in your zone. throughout the course of the day you’d been working on this particular piece in the back of your mind, whenever you’d give yourself a little break, your head would travel to this article and build sentences on its own, so it was no surprise once you finally finished it.

you were proud, but you couldn’t give yourself too much time to celebrate because you still had one more to finish.

a little over an hour later, you finally finish. you send them to your higher-ups for approval and turn everything off once it is saved. you make your way to the underground parking lot, typing a message to daniel as you descend in the elevator.

‘just finished. on my way home. love you’

‘drive safely, love you xxxxx’

you smile, turning on your car and leaving the empty parking lot. there’s a headache forming in the back of your head, no doubt from staring at the screen for so many hours, and not getting enough food. your stomach protests at the thought, and you nearly get in line for the drive-through at your favorite fast food place, but your eyes are starting to feel heavy. you decide to be a responsible adult and go home instead.

sleep really starts to take over you as you park your car and grab your bag. you lean against the wall of the elevator as you go up to your floor, closing your eyes until you hear the bell and the doors opening. you step out, fishing your keys out of your bag and opening your front door.

the unmistakable smell of greasy food fills your nose, there’s light music playing from a speaker, the lights are dimmed and your favorite candle is lit, next to the tv. there’s a paused movie playing, showing the old disney logo. right in front, on the coffee table, bags of food from your favorite restaurants. from michelin-award-winning restaurants, to the classic mcdonald’s. as well as different candies, chips, all your favorites.

“dan?” you say, a lump that had been forming on your back throughout the day was disappearing as you dropped your things on the floor.

“darling!” he greets you, his head popping out of your shared bedroom. “how was your day?” he steps out, opening his arms and you immediately take the opportunity to slide your arms around his waist and pull him incredibly close to you.

“like shit. i just wanted to drop everything and come home,” you hide your face in his chest, relishing in the warmth of his arms around your shoulders, the weight of his chin on top of your head is comforting and familiar.

“i’m sorry,” he sighs, “i know this isn’t much but i thought this would make you feel better,” he says, referring to the things on your table.

“daniel, are you kidding? i love it, honestly.” you lift your head from his chest, standing on your tiptoes, and he leans down a bit, connecting your lips. “i love you, thank you. i was feeling horrible all day, but just seeing you makes everything better.”

“come here,” he untangled himself from you, holding your hand and leading you to the comfy sofa. he sat you down, throwing a blanket over your legs as you giggled. “first course, pick,” he smiled, you scanned the bags.

“mcdonald’s,” you pick, making grabby hands at him. he laughs and plops down next to you, “god, there really is nothing like the smell of fast food,”

“yeah, baby,” daniel throws an arm over your shoulder, and you lean your head against his shoulder, biting on a soft fry as he presses play.

“what movie are we watching?” you ask, pressing a kiss to daniel’s cheek.

“can you guess?” he turns to you, raising an eyebrow.

“oh, no,” you laughed, “not the rescuers-”

“the rescuers down under, baby!” he hollers, cupping a hand next to his mouth so even the neighbors can hear him.

“stop, we’ll get another noise complaint,” you threw a hand over his mouth, but he quickly grabbed it and started leaving soft kisses on your skin. “dan,”

“i come from a land down under!” he tries to sing, loudly, “where beer does flow and men chunder-”

“daniel!” you squealed, trying to shut him up between giggles.

“can’t you hear the thunder?” it’s even worse when he tries to hit the high notes. “you better run, you better take cover!” he smiles and you grab his face, thumbs dipping on his dimples, and bring his lips to yours. “hmm, you can shut me up like this all day,” he smiles, knowing his plan worked.

“idiot. i love you,” your heart is pounding in your chest.

“even when i sing these melodic tunes?” he asks, singing the last two words.

“especially then,” you nod, letting him help you up until you’re straddling his lap.

“happy valentine’s, my lovie,” he whispers, pressing soft kisses on your neck, cheeks.

“happy valentine’s, sunshine,” you say, a nickname you usually saved for special occasions. his eyes light up, you saw his smile widening, his eyes nearly disappearing behind the apples of his cheeks.

an hour later, you’re watching another film, now taking spoonfuls of the cookies and cream ice cream daniel bought as well. you’re watching a movie about a girl who has the ability to travel wherever she wants to.

“if you could be anywhere in the world, right now, where would you be?” you ask daniel, resting your chin on his chest, looking up at him.

“hmm… i don’t know,”

“come on, a place, any place, your favorite place,” you tease, poking his cheek with your finger.

“i don’t know, i guess… wherever you are. i don’t care where i am as long as i’m with you. you’re my favorite place.”

“whoa, you know, i was trying to be funny, you didn’t have to destroy me like that,” you giggle, hiding your face in his neck. “you’re my favorite place, too. you’re my home.”

[dxmagedrose]

GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER!

Tagged by: my lover @hammurabicomplex​ I’m tagging: anyone and everyone who wants to pick this one up! share with the class if you feel like it! tag me in it!!

PRESENTING. RANDOM DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO-MUN AT 2AM ;

FIRST NAME Good fucking question… It’s (sort-of) currently Dylann! I was Kieran before that, though; it’s still used as one of my first names and I’m not used to Dylann quite yet bc I’ve just started using it. 

Indigo is one of my middle names though, and I’ve used it as an online handle elsewhere forever so I use it here now!  [ Fun etymology facts: Dylan(n) is a mythology name generally meaning “born of the wave” (aspiring diver & a water witch at heart). Kieran means “little dark one” bc of my love for horror, && I chose Indigo bc as a kid to be it was neither boy (blue) or purple (girl) and was both and neither as well as my absolute favorite color as this vibrant ass mystical color. ]

STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF hmmmmm…. I’m a horror lover at heart, so as a child (I wanna say 12), I was walking through an antique store (I have a few cool finds, I considered putting my other one as the fact tbh) and I turned the corner and I saw these two dolls staring back at me at the foot of the stairs of this antique building. my blood froze, and i felt my stomach drop. i got actual, physical goosebumps stumbling across these two creepy dolls staring back at me in the corner, and i couldn’t leave the store without them. perhaps the little painted porcelain boy would be somewhat spooky by himself if it wasn’t for the terrifying lidded gaze of the porcelain girl with the hairline fractures and slightly open lips. i cant look at her. i dont really find dolls scary, I like to find the spookier ones ones, and she makes me paranoid as hell. i keep her face covered and her up in my closet except for when i bring her out to show her off proudly as the spookiest thing I have but……. i dont really collect dolls anymore.  even thinking about her brings a fearful tear to my eye.  i don’t like to think about her for very long, but that’s why I’m so fucking proud to own her. ( YES — I’m THAT white person in the horror film )

TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON hhhhh a beardy jawline, high cheekbones, crooked canine teeth >:3c

A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF b.l.t.’s with avocado. ahhhh. my mouth is watering just thinking about it, oh my god. just a bit of salt and pepper???

A FOOD YOU HATE barbecue anything, i hate the taste of bbq sauce, you keep your nasty black goo to yourselves at the grill. twice in my life i have presented with barbecue pizza and both times i cried literal tears. why would you do such a horrible thing to a person? what kind of a monster are you? how do you sleep at night?!

GUILTY PLEASURE the sims. constantly. always. i’ve sunk thousands of hours into my households. oh also uhhhhhh i run two 80s horror blogs, one being a shitpost blog with occasional art of mine and one gremlin fanfic ship blog for horrible, terrible self indulgent fanfics i’ll get the courage to finish writing & post so i can be cancelled on tumblr for at some point. NO, i won’t link them. as i pretend they’re even all that hard to find, within a day i was found on both by someone i admire here a lot :’) ilu bby thnk u eternally for supporting ur local horrifying dumbass wtf

WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN the same clothes i’ve been wearing all day usually, my sweats & long sleeve raglans or my hoodies. i like being cozy day & and out. and ugh. efoort. just throw me in a blanket in a cool room and im out.

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS serious relationships with some openness or poly. i wish i could fling! just not exactly easy for demisexual autistics lmao.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE I think I would be adopted by my grandma as a kid. It would save me some trauma but mostly I think it would get my autism diagnosed way earlier and save me angsting all these years of wondering why & thinking it’s my fault I’m struggling so much and so loud and affectionate and different in a world that i didnt fit in the same way. 

ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON when i get drunk i text people how much they mean to me in my life. does that answer your question? ahhh. i’m sometimes a cuddle monster with friends, i message people with long texts about how much they mean to me, but I sometimes really don’t like to be touched at all. 

A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN FLYPAPER.  F L Y P A P E R.  FLYPAPER.  FLY, and, I can’t stress this enough, fucking PAPER. ( Though also Whole Nine Yards and both Re-Animator & Bride ). I have watched Flypaper already like, 5 times this week and I’m still not done, and the other movies have been on repeat for days in this household within the last year. In the past it has also been Donnie Darko & the new Nightmare on Elm Street.  roast me.

FAVORITE BOOK White Fang by Jack London. Have I actually ever finished it? No. Do I still own a copy I’ve had since childhood thru multiple dogs eating it, taking it to and from school, and highlighting and circling all the best parts of chapter one ever since I was a kid and it was too hard of a book for me to read? You bet your ass. If I ever need inspiration I just reread chapter 1. Although one of my other favorites was Broken Monsters by Lauren Beukes. But White Fang is like, a weirdly personal text. We stan London’s writing in this household.

YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE FENNEC FOX!! I used to daydream about having my own named Shiloh when I was a lil kid. they’re adorable little things and i am obsessed. i mean, gimme any fox and im happy, marble foxes, red foxes… but I was obsessed with fennec foxes. Also tbh ferrets. I want a ferret.

TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL] Rosa & @ninetyscnds‘s Luke, Rosa & @iimpulsivity is already screaming my name, Rosa & Constantine, Jesse & Andrea from Breaking Bad, and the joker and harley of 80s sci-fi Dan & Herbert from Re-Ani.  I am but a simple opossum. 

PIE OR CAKE Pie! I’ll take both pumpkin & melty apple over cake. also, cheesecake is more pie than cake soooo, pie wins.

FAVORITE SCENT my dogs / my blanket. :’)  It’s the most grounding smell in the world. 

CELEBRITY CRUSH oliver jackson-cohen, i’m fucking GAY and im angry about it. there i was, minding my own business, and i saw that asshole in a certain SHIRTLESS GIF and it AWOKE SOMETHING IN ME. dont talk to me about it, holy shit im obsessed with beardy men now god fuckkdafjaask i hate him why did he make me this gay i was perfectly fine being into girls but NOOOOOO him and his dumb hairy chest and sweet rugged face and I——  I also am obsessed with the archaeologist & television personality Josh Gates and may or may not be considering making a fan blog for him bc idk if my anthropology docuseries host is Dad or Daddy but i love him lots

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO I would go on a dive with anthropologists and archaeologists doing fieldwork research in the ancient cenotes of the Yucatán Peninsula. My actual dream job, catch me crying & fantasizing about being underwater documenting Mayan skulls given as offerings. Fuckkkk, I love anthropology so much!!  take me anywhere in the world to immerse myself into culture & archaeology.

INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT Introvert. I have a real life friend I see roughly once a month, and that’s it. Plenty of online relationships, I’m chatty, message me all day every day. but i dont do people well.

DO YOU SCARE EASILY I used to! Really bad. I don’t as much anymore. I do get paranoia a lot still. Having therapists telling you that the FBI could be outside your house watching you through your windows will kind of nervous. ( no google results for: yes hello fbi i am a writer please dont put me on watchlists i just have research i need to do for this idea im working on, would you like to try again? ) I have nightmares nightly but not they never make me afraid, they just make me feel like crap. jumpscares and loud noises and seeing people reaching into their pockets dont set off as many brain alarms anymore tho!! progress haha.

IPHONE OR ANDROID I like my android better bc of capabilities but meh

DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES My mom, her husband & I play COD for family game night, and Silent Hill is my life’s blood. I’ve sunken hours into Sims & Skyrim, and Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain is my #1 fictional character in existence, why do i love the druggie babies

DREAM JOB Oh… You’re asking me to pick? I’d love to be an anthropologist doing work out in the field. Underwater archaeology is peak, but I’m also heavily considering being a body recovery diver or police diver. I’d love to see myself in uniform someday, if possible. Just the thought makes me teary eyed & proud.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS fund my person creative & educational endeavors. get myself a spooky ass abandoned house to make my own home to create in, and travel to the world’s best dive sites. just live a mild life of education, creation & exploration. that’s the dream TM.

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE dr. hill is a gross and whiny lil bitch this post brought to u by the miskatonic crew, how is everyone here an even worse bad guy than herbert west precious dan excluded talk shit get hit tho john winchester from spn and both walter white & todd from breaking bad are all in my crew of hated characters. i jusT…   the reani novel is difficult to read because i have to deal with this old sack of shit.

FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER Supernatural :-)

… AND THIS CONCLUDES A DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO!! //

[kae-karo]

hey katie! how are you? so it seems you might be taking a bit of a step back from the phandom which is completely understandable considering the current situation but i was wondering if you actually wouldn’t mind weighing in on the various debates going on the last few weeks like dnp being an official couple Phil not going to pride and even dan just not mentioning Phil at the mental health panel) because while i’ve seen some opinions i mostly agree with everyone is being (part 1/2)

(part 2/2) way too charged about it and i just miss that calm rational voice you have with your opinions. plus why is this even happening why can’t people just do and say what’s best for them anymore?? anyway i would greatly appreciate it rn because this is my first go around on tumblr while dnp are active (i’ve always just watched their videos and not really engaged elsewhere) and i’m already so tired

oof hello dear! i certainly don’t blame you - you should definitely take the time you need! as you said, it’s totally understandable, and your online experience should be one that you personally enjoy and that doesn’t stress you out

hmmmm the debates - idk if the first one (dnp being together) is all that controversial, i think it’s p obvious? that they’re together? u don’t call someone ur “companion through life” and not mean it in every sense of the phrase

phil not going to pride - look. i’ve seen a lot of ‘hot takes’ on this one. people arguing that bc he has influence, he is obligated to use it to do good. very frankly, that’s bullshit. i think that, if people have influence and they choose to use it (like dan has), that they should use it to do good (like dan has) or at least do neutral. on top of that! i think it’s very likely that phil doesn’t feel comfortable in crowds! so why do we encourage people with anxiety to do what makes them most comfortable, but we exclude phil from that? why do we say that he should suffer simply bc people know who he is? that’s bullshit, fundamentally. besides, there are so so so many people who couldn’t or didn’t want to go to pride for whatever reason - why can’t we look at phil and go ‘oh, yes, he’s staying home bc that’s what’s most comfy for him - and it shows all the queer folks out there who want to/have to stay home that they’re just as valid! and there’s nothing wrong with not going to pride!’ to the people who believe every action and inaction says something when coming from someone with influence, you’re absolutely right. but there’s no reason to shape the narrative in a way that tears down your own people - phil’s inaction in this case can still be powerful in a positive way

dan not mentioning phil at mental health panel - i mean, it was a panel about mental health. not about phil. and not solely about dan’s journey. we already know what dan’s journey looks like cause he told us. to a lot of peoples’ points - we already know that phil has been a major factor in helping with his mental health. we didn’t know about this other girl at all. we didn’t hear the story that we as an internet-based audience can relate so heavily to - the one about someone he met online, who he never met in person but who still helped him. there’s also this very troublesome narrative that occasionally gets re-promoted again within the phandom, that phil ‘saved’ dan or something similar. or, generally, that one single person can ‘save’ another person. which isn’t at all the case. support systems aren’t (or shouldn’t be) entirely dependent on a single person, that’s unhealthy for both parties involved. and i have no idea the exact reasons dan chose to tell the story he told at the panel, but it’s probably a good thing that he’s not exclusively mentioning phil when it comes to his own mental health journey. also, and i know this is something people freaked out about at the time when they decided to do separate merch stores etc etc, but it’s a good thing to have things that belong to them as individuals? for dan, one of those things is being involved in mental health organizations/panels/etc. that’s great! and it’s okay if it doesn’t always (or even ever) involve phil! people in committed and healthy relationships can and should do things independently sometimes. besides, as @uselessphillie put it when i texted her, if he had mentioned phil at all, it would’ve instantly turned into a phan™ panel

[theothercasper]

( chris lowell, ghost, he/him & cismale ) is that ( same old lang syne ) by ( dan fogelberg ) playing? ( casper ‘cas’ diamond ) must be nearby!  heard folks say the ( thirty three ) year old ( co-owner of letum read ) was at the thanksgiving fair, ( mingling ) when chaos ensued. during the glitch, ( he tried to stop an innocent stranger from getting killed until he realized he couldn’t actually do anything to help ).

(the text in the gif above is relevant to both of us being here at othersidehq tbh okay)

throwin’ in a tw for death mention and one for a car accident just in case!!

yall i really jumped headfirst into this without thinking so there’s, like a 100% chance this intro’ll be a hot mess but it’s fine

casper was born in march of 1949, and he has a younger brother and two younger sisters!! he’s a total papa bear, and thrives in an environment where he can be a soft and fuzzy person

growing up, he was a total bibliophile and really only engaged in sports to get his pa to shut the hecking heck up.  otherwise, he spent all his time reading and still has the very first flashlight he got as a six-year-old (he used said flashlight to stay up late with the book du jour and that was really the only thing he got in trouble for until he could drive)

he may have been a book lover, but that didn’t translate to him being a straight a student in school.  cas got mostly b’s and c’s and was lucky if he got an a+.  

luckily, though, he didn’t have to worry about having his ass covered up by a scholarship.  when cas was sixteen, he got a job at letum read, working under the owner at the time until she passed from an illness in 1978.  before she passed, though, she made sure cas was well equipped to run the place.

it was hard to be thrown into the world of business at such a young age, and casper had to rely, grudgingly, on his father for years until he got the hang of it and to this day, cas still wonders what would’ve happened if he’d just stuck it out and gone running with baseball.

at the time of his death, six months prior to the glitch, cas had just endured a long day at the bookstore and planned to meet his best friend and the girl he was doin’ the do with at his ma’s place, for an untraditional family dinner.  it’s as simple as him falling asleep at the wheel and to make this hurt even more, same old lang syne was playing on a cassette tape in his car!!

but he doesn’t know that.  he still thinks he’s alive, that by some weird twist of fate, he survived, and he gets to navigate this mediocre life but through it all, he’ll grin and bear it.

personality-wise, he’s the best friend you want, but if you’re not a people person then there’s a chance cas’ll just be a thorn in your side.

still very much confused about how the heck he’s alive (the wreck was a pretty nasty one) but also feels like he still has something to prove.  it’s just a big cycle of denial.

loves chocolate milkshakes. does not care what they do to his thighs. not that it matters.

in times of stress, he does one of two things: strikes you with sass or is just.....running (floating?)

still thinks about the innocent stranger he couldn’t save during the glitch and is still baffled as to, y’know, why.

‘i have no idea what’s happening but tell me how you feel and i’ll getcha a book to go with your troubles, whether or not those problems get solved is not my doin’”

get him friends.  get him milkshakes.  get him friends who bring him milkshakes.

curious by nature but smarter than he used to be, which is a relief.

hasn’t seen his family in months, and he’ll go by their houses to see if they still miss ‘im, of course he’s gonna be confused when they’re all getting on with their lives and casper’s over here like, hello?? still here?? it’s all kind of a blur (no u ain’t)

as far as his preferences, cas thrives on connections and people and hates being alone so he’s always just. innocently flirting. but he can take a hint. romantically has more experience with women but he’s got kind of a wandering eye at like everyone who moves.

the best friend he was supposed to meet at the fam’s house for dinner is/will be a wc but like gimme anything tbh, gimme enemies, gimme the person he was tryna save on the night of the glitch, gimme one sided crushes or be the person he helps and gives book recs at the shop idk pls let us love u!!!

[howblunt]

1-98 weird asks!

First off: Thank you so much! I’m very excited to answer all of these :) 

Second off: Let’s begin

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? 

Coffee Mugs 

 2. chocolate bars or lollipops? 

lollipops for sure 

 3. bubblegum or cotton candy? 

bubblegum! (though i do love cotton candy)

 4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? 

honestly I’m not sure. I’m sure it was something about me being quite and bad at participating 

 5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? 

(reusable) Plastic cups 

 6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? 

I love the look of pastel 

but I think I dress more preppy ? with a hint of grunge(maybe goth) 

 7. earbuds or headphones?

I wear earbuds more often but I do prefer headphones 

 8. movies or tv shows? 

MOVIES

 9. favorite smell in the summer? 

how the pool smells and sunscreen 

 10. game you were best at in p.e.? 

none. P.E. was awful.

Stick to the back and hope the ball doesn’t come at me, that’s how I lived. 

 11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? 

Cereal. I am a simple woman 

 12. name of your favorite playlist? 

currently it is my “Jean + Scott angst (and love)” playlist off spotify 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3VAC9t28sIrgO7Y4os5a34

 13. lanyard or key ring? 

key ring 

 14. favorite non-chocolate candy? 

anything gummy but more specifically gummy worms 

 15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Wide Sargasso Sea 

If you like Gothic novels with some unrequited love and desire… hit this book up. Look up the plot of Jane Erye first.. it’s like a prequel. Btw I hated Jane Erye. But love Wide Sargasso Sea. Lots of symbolism and even witch craft 

 16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Legs stretched out, both on the ground 

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

My black tennis shoes. Very comfortable 

 18. ideal weather? 

Fall weather. Wind and sunshine 

 19. sleeping position?

Usually on my right side. But I wake up on my back

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? 

Laptop

 21. obsession from childhood?

Barbie dolls! and my little pony+ littlest pet shop 

 22. role model? 

This is a hard one because I don’t really have anyone. But I guess Dan Aykroyd (my senior quote is from him) 

 23. strange habits? 

biting the inside of my mouth, fidgeting + folding up papers that are given to me (like in mass), and chewing my straws 

 24. favorite crystal? 

Rose quartz and orange Calcite

 25. first song you remember hearing?

Here Comes the Sun

My mom used to sing it in the morning to wake up my sister and me 

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? 

Swim

Or walk/ride my bike to the library 

 27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

curl up in a blanket and stay inside 

 28. five songs to describe you? 

(In no order)

Not Today by Twenty One Pilots 

Wow, I’m Not Crazy by AJR 

xanny by Billie Eilish 

I’m In Love With My Car by Queen

Why Do You Feel So Down by Declan McKenna 

 29. best way to bond with you? 

Going shopping (clothes or other). This way we can chat and also have something to do 

 30. places that you find sacred?

The library and church 

 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? 

idk full outfit but my black pleated skirt makes me feel good 

 32. top five favorite vines? 

In no order

*girl vapes* wow

I smell like beef 

Lets’s tell each other secrets. I’ll go first, I hate you. 

Chris is that a weed?!

This is how I enter my house. What’s up fuckers?! 

 33. most used phrase in your phone? 

omg

 34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? 

that one for the shampoo made for curly hair. and it goes “That’s curl power”

 35. average time you fall asleep? 

11 or 12 during the week. 1 or 2 for weekends 

 36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? 

Rage comics. idk which specifically. But i used to run a rage comic meme account. I was pretty popular ;)

37. suitcase or duffel bag? 

suitcase

 38. lemonade or tea? 

lemonade (though i do LOVE tea)

 39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon cakes 

 40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?  

omg so. There was this girl who told on this other girl for cheating on a test. Then like the whole grade just ganged up on this other girl and started calling her “the snitch” because the cheater’s friend group started saying “snitches get stitches” (lol even tho i went to an all girls, majority white + prissy + upper class, catholic school but go off) that went on for too long.

at some party they started to chant “snitches get stitches” 

the girl who started the chant then got suspended 

41. last person you texted? 

my ex. (it was a good breakup) 

 42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? 

jacket pockets 

 43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? 

hoodie 

 44. favorite scent for soap?

strawberry 

 45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

sci-fi (lmao x-men is under sci-fi at the library. so it counts) 

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? 

XL t-shirt from giving blood and some very loose pajama shorts 

 47. favorite type of cheese?

American

 48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? 

Mango (I eat enough to turn into one)

 49. what saying or quote do you live by? 

“Comparison will kill you”

 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

OMG so there was this big spider web. And me and a friend thought it would be funny to call another friend over. And then be like “’lol u just walked passed a huge spider”–we didn’t think she would walk into it or near it because it was right by the edge of a lake we were by. So we call her over and this girl starts sprinting over toward us and RIGHT toward the spider web, and she had this big smile. And my friend and I yelled at her to stop. And when we were laughing saying she was about to run into a spider web and showed her the big spider, she began to freak out (maybe even cry). 

She was okay after the shock and fear wore off. 

I literally have tears in my eyes from typing this 

 51. current stresses? 

My friend moving away really far 

Starting school

making new friends 

 52. favorite font? 

I honestly don’t have one

 53. what is the current state of your hands? 

kinda dry

 54. what did you learn from your first job?

That I really love kids

 55. favorite fairy tale? 

Little Red Riding Hood and Rapunzel 

 56. favorite tradition?

Every one of my family’s Christmas traditions 

 57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? 

My self doubt

sharing my art + writing 

My self confidence + learning my worth 

 58. four talents you’re proud of having?

I can play the piano

I can draw and paint

I can embroider and sew (not well but I have fun)

I can write pretty creative stories 

 59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Oh gosh, now what?”

 60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? 

Magical Girl Anime

 61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

Darjeeling Limited directed by Wes Anderson: “What’s wrong with you?” / “Let me think about that. I’ll tell you the next time I see you.” / “Sure, tell me then.” / “Thanks for using me.” / “You’re Welcome.” 

 62. seven characters you relate to?

Will from Stranger Things (with the whole not wanting to give up “childish things” and other stuff his friends are growing out of)

David Wong from John Dies at the End (with how he handles the situation and thinks)

Molly from Booksmart (not the going to a great college or being super smart + looking down on people part. But wanting to go to a party and flirt with cute boys)

Erin from Derry Girls (Tbh, I relate to all the main girls in this show)

Eric from That 70s Show (sometimes)

A mix between Ben and Andy from Parks and Rec

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Good Old Fashion Lover Boy by Queen 

Dance, Baby! by Boy Pablo 

Hooked On A Feeling by Blue Swede 

Fake Happy by Paramore 

Sober Up by AJR

 64. favorite website from your childhood? 

Club Penguin and Webkinz 

 65. any permanent scars?

On my knees from falling as a child. A small scar under my eye from a dog bite 

66. favorite flower(s)? 

Roses and Daisies 

 67. good luck charms?  

I wear this necklace a friend gave me when I am nervous 

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Green Tea flavored Mochi is kinda nasty to me

 69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? 

Dan Aykroyd lost his wallet that he always kept chained to his belt. He was freaking out and searching all over while John Belushi was laughing his butt off

 70. left or right handed?

right 

 71. least favorite pattern?

anything with too many circles / holes 

72. worst subject? 

Anything Science related 

 73. favorite weird flavor combo?

idk but do NOT try lemonade with Doritos. it taste like throw up 

I’ve made this mistake twice 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

it has to be an 7 or so

 75. when did you lose your first tooth? 

gosh, i’m not sure 

 76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? 

tator tots 

 77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

this is a question for my sister 

 78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

I regularly buy sushi from a grocery store so that works 

the grocery store I go to has a sushi bar and has fresh sushi every day 

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

tbh they both looks kinda good.. not to BRAG. but i guess driver’s license 

 80. earth tones or jewel tones? 

Earth tones

 81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies 

 82. pc or console? 

pc 

 83. writing or drawing?

BOTH BOTH BOTH BOTH BOTH

both

 84. podcasts or talk radio? 

podcast – no commercials 

 84. barbie or polly pocket? 

Barbie all the WAY! Though I do love me a good polly pocket 

 85. fairy tales or mythology?

Fair Tales

 86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies

though i like making cupcakes more 

 87. your greatest fear?

Being kidnapped and never being found 

 88. your greatest wish?

To find my ideal man

 89. who would you put before everyone else? 

Anyone in my family 

 90. luckiest mistake?

Thinking a test is sooner so I study. But then ending up having another day to study as well. 

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes 

 92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? 

lamps 

(maybe some fairy lights in the background) 

 93. nicknames?

My real name is Veronica but I go by Ronni

Ron Ron, Gonni, Ronica 

 94. favorite season? 

Fall 

 95. favorite app on your phone? 

music 

 96. desktop background? 

I’m a Kaneki slut (Tokyo Ghoul) 

 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

two

 98. favorite historical era?

style wise: 1800 rococo -- Marie Antoinette period 

media wise: 1970s  

[cas-tellation]

Not What You Thought (I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Know) part 8

Last chapter - Masterlist - Read on ao3

A/N; Firstly; I just wanted to say that I have this fic pretty much mapped out, BUT there's a big empty space between now and the ending -- just because i need some filler stuff that i can use to add some ~development~ that being said, if you want anything specific to happen in this fic, please, please leave a comment telling me as this is the perfect time for me to maybe fit some of that stuff in. Nothing too big, just lil things. (do you want phil to get a pet? do you want more flashbacks from dan? flashbacks from phil? more about their family & all of that?? literally anything little like that that i can write a little bit about)Secondly; here a playlist of all the music i listen to whilst writing (i mean theres other music i constantly forget to add songs whoops) so if you wanna really ~get in the zone~ whilst readin you can go listen to that if you want i guess here it is And finally; lots of people who read this fic are ftm trans and thats great!! all the feedback that i've gotten back from them is so nice, and im very, very happy that this fic is at least somewhat realistic. I, myself, am not trans, however i am agender (demiboy? idk lol im figuring things out still) so i do have ~some~ experience with dysphoria and all that stuff, but at the same time its also amazing to hear what people say(a huge thanks to everyone's who's left comments on this fic so far... they really are greatly appreciated.)

Dan’s tired. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. Doesn’t want to do much of anything, really. The dysphoria is there; strong as ever. Maybe that’s the thing that he hates the most about himself: The dysphoria. Some people say that they understand that; understand the self hatred that comes with being stuck in the wrong body. But really, how could they, if they were cis?

When his mum claims that everything will be okay and that she understands, and that what he’s going through is something that every teen goes through-- isn’t she lying, because he’s not every teen. He’s Dan, not Yazi. He’s trans, not cis. He doesn’t know anybody who is trans - save for a couple of youtubers that he watches, more for the education aspect of being trans than anything else.

He feels alone. He can’t go to someone. Say, Phil. He couldn’t go to Phil and have the other boy comfort him, and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. Because how would Phil know, if he’s cis? How could Phil possibly know? How could anybody? Sure, they could have little glimpses, but nothing tangible. They wouldn’t feel dysphoria.

They wouldn’t feel this tired.

There’s a certain level of self hatred, but a lot of it was just the dysphoria. It makes him want to physically claw off his own skin.

-

School is stressful. He feels like he’s falling apart under the pressure of it. He’s doing too much and yet he still feels like he’s not doing enough. He stops doing his homework completely because whenever he hands it in and gets anything less than a perfect score; he feels like he’s failed somehow.

Of course, he hasn’t failed just because he has gotten a lower score, but still.

His mind is constantly messing with him and he’s so tired.

-

Phil’s embrace is more than welcoming after a long day. Dan melts into his arms, taking a long, shuddering breath and burying his face into Phil’s chest.

Take another deep breath. Now, close your eyes. Feel, where are you?

In, and out, darkness. Phil’s arms, Phil’s body, Phil’s heart, beating slowly and steadily beneath Dan’s cheek, further calming him. Phil’s saying something, maybe asking if Dan’s okay. Or alternatively, what’s wrong.

God, it feels like everything is wrong.

Everything, and it’s all piling up.

It’s too much. It’s all just - too much. He doesn’t know if he can deal with it anymore. He misses the sharp kiss of the blade against his pale skin.

But he’s here in Phil’s arms, safe from physical harm.

l

Only for the time being. Phil would leave and then - and then.

God.

Since when does the world spin like this? Since when does the world hurt like this?

Phil’s arms are drawing tighter around Dan’s thin body, one hand coming up to comb gently through Dan’s ever-so-slightly curly hair.

“It’ll be okay, Danny,” Phil’s saying.

But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay. Because everything hurts but at the same time everything’s so empty and heavy and full and painful. In Dan’s eyes, it’s not going to be okay. Not by a long shot. He feels so broken, and used up, and thoroughly useless.

He’s none of those things.

But his mind refuses to think of himself as anything but that.

Phil’s arms are around him, holding him together. When all Dan is doing is breaking apart.

-

Phil’s gone. He hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d been worried about Dan. They’re all worried, all the time. Phil, the teachers at school, Dan’s parents.

But Phil had to leave.

And Dan is now alone. Feeling the worst that he has in a long time. And he doesn’t know what to do.

-

Everything’s hazy. It’s like he’s looking at his life through a keyhole. Not really there. It’s almost as if he can’t feel anything. Is he dreaming? He can’t remember going to sleep but he still doesn’t feel like he’s properly awake. Through a keyhole. Hazy. Dream-like. Sitting on the edge of a bathtub, rolling up his sleeves.

Numb.

A razor, in his hand.

And god is he really going to do this?

-

Sleep is laced through with unease.

-

The feeling’s not gone the next day. He had hoped that after a good night’s sleep that the hurt would go away.

He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it through the day.

The binder fits too tight. His hair is growing out a little and it only adds to the dysphoria. Everything feels too feminine. Too much. Way too much. Make it stop, please.

-

He walks to school, the overcast sky reflecting his emotional state perfectly.

He pauses, in front of the school door, weighing his options.

Then, he turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Fuck school.

-

He doesn’t go home. God, he doesn’t want to go ‘home’ ever again. He goes to the park instead, where he and Phil had been. Except that now Phil’s not there. Instead, there are countless children and their parents. He almost regrets coming but sits down on the edge of a bench anyway, pulling a book out of his bag and trying to lose himself in the story. At least for a little while.

It’s weird, how invisible he is.

Nobody seems to notice him.

Nobody bothers him.

He almost wishes that he could do this everyday. Until he remembers how much school he’s missing and feels his throat choke up. Too much, this is all too much, and yet not enough.

-

Phil texts him just after noon, when Dan would usually meet him.

Dan doesn’t reply.

-

Everything is falling apart at a steady pace and there’s nothing that Dan can do to stop it.

-

That night, Dan lays in bed, his hands resting on his stomach, tears racing down his cheeks. He thinks, ‘I need Phil’, and then, ‘I need Nicole’, and after that he hates himself a little bit more.

-

The amount of notifications that Dan wakes up to is absolutely horrifying, in his opinion. Dozens from Phil. Even one from Nicole. He breath catches in his throat as he sees it;

Nic: where have you been ive missed u

He doesn’t know if he can reply to it. He does anyway.

Dan: i miss you too.

And he does. Fuck, he does.

He locks his phone again before he replies to Phil. A sick feeling settles in his belly.

-

At lunch the next day, Dan’s almost disappointed to see that Phil isn’t yet sitting on the dusty patch of ground behind the building. He pulls out the same book that he had started yesterday, and begins reading. He’s hoping that Phil will show up.

But scared, too, because he’s so unresponsive. He’s scared that Phil will think that Dan doesn’t like him and he’s scared that Phil won’t see how lost Dan is.

But fear isn’t helping him so he pushes it down and tries so hard to focus on the words in front of him. He doesn’t know if it’s working.

Phil does show up. He’s not mad that Dan hadn’t been there the day before, instead, he was worried about how Dan was feeling.

Phil says, “Hey Danny.”

And Dan says, “I told you to stop calling me that.”

And then Phil hugs him again and all Dan can think is: Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Because what did he do to deserve someone like this? Since when did he get to be with the Good Guy? Since when did someone who actually cared about things pay any sort of attention to him?

Usually it was someone looking for a good fuck.

Or Nicole, who simply didn’t have her life together enough to care.

Dan lets Phil hold him and is scared that Phil will leave once he realizes how well and truly fucked up Dan feels.

-

Feeling good is something that takes a long time. Dan feels a spark of it that night when Phil texts him saying:

Phil: Goodnight dannyyyyyyy <3333

The spark being Dan’s stomach flopping around happily. Happily. Happiness. It’s something that he has a hard time feeling.

But with Phil, it seems to come easier.

-

Dan wakes up feeling a bit more awake than usual. He tells himself that this means he’s getting over the depression, though he can still feel it lurking there, right under his skin, waiting for the worst time to make it’s re-appearance.

It’s horrible, living like this, but at the point that Dan is now at, it’s impossible to avoid.

[transssexualheart]

All

oh boy

1. namerain

2. age14

3. three fearsnever being loved back, hurting the people i care about, and the people i love secretly hating me

4. three things i lovepokemonnice weatherthe piano

5. 4 turn onsgetting hit by a car is apparently one of themi actually dont know honestly if i’m attracted to you, because i so rarely find people attractive, everything u do will Get Me Goin and that’s all i can think

6. 4 turn offsdamn bitch idk

7. my best friendyall know who i would choose if i had to choose one do i really gotta say it again

8. sexual orientationim pan, i also think i’m demisexual but god who knows

9. my best first datei don’t even know what qualified as a date bc ive only gone on dates with one person and i don’t know what we actually considered a date or just hangin out??

10. how tall am iuhhh i cant remember exactly i think i’m 5′5

11. what do i miss?honestly?? i kinda miss the way things used to be before i confessed to liking the person i currently like. i mean nothing has actually changed between us but i still feel bad about liking her and hate that i can’t comfort her without it seeming like “oh, you just think i’m great and talented because you have a crush on me” i feel like me comforting her ends up less sincere now and i hate that and it’s also,, like god i didn’t want to feel this way i really intended on taking a break from romance but my dumbass heart was like “no” and ughh fuck

12. what time was i bornidk

13. fav colorblue

14. do i have a crushfeel like i just made that pretty clear

15. fav quote “And you know it’s not good–that there is no good–that there’s absolutely nothing that can ever come of it.But you do it anyway. And then…Well. Then you burn.”(from Carry On by Rainbow Rowell)

16. fav placethis is gross but anywhere with her

17. fav foodidk

18. do i use sarcasmof course 

19. what am i listening to rni’m being Exposed,, i’m listening to sarah smiles by p!atd

20. first thing i notice in a new personusually their clothes, like the way they dress

21. shoe size8 and a half or 9 in womens

22. eye colorbrown

23. hair colordark brown

24. fav style of clothinguhh idk

25. ever done a prank call?no

27. meaning behind my urlit’s just a pokemon lol

28. fav moviewho knows

29. fav songi really like robbers by the 1975 and rn i’m obsessed with do i wanna know by arctic monkeys 

30. fav bandgosh idk

31. how i feel right nowgay

32. someone i loveall my friends!! all of u!!

33. my current relationship statussad

34. my relationship with my parents:/

35. fav holidayeither halloween or xmas

36. tattoos and piercings i haveone piercing in each ear lobe and one tat on my ankle

37. tattoos and piercings i wanti kinda want a lip piercing but idk and i wanna be like,, covered in tats 

38. the reason i joined tumblrmemes

39. do i and my last ex hate each other?no, i dont hate any of my exes

40. do i ever get good morning or good night texts?sometimes goodnight texts

41. have i ever kissed the last person you texted?god i wish,, no tho

42. when did i last hold hands?gosh it’s been so long i don’t remember

43. how long does it take me to get ready in the morning?like an hour maybe more

44. have you shaved your legs in the last three days?idk i forgot

45. where am i right now?my bedroom

47. do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level?loud

48. do i live with my mom and dad?ya

49. am i excited for anything?excited to die

50. do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to?nah

51. how often do i wear a fake smile?i usually don’t, i just let myself look sad and my friends usually don’t say anything or they’re making me laugh and i’m distracted

52. when was the last time i hugged someone?i huged @strawberrymilk-kid when getting off the bus today

53. what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone right in front of me?i’d be like “dude!! did you get a girlfriend holy shit i’m happy for u!!”

54. is there someone i trust even though i shouldn’t?nah

55. what is something i disliked about today?um all the parts where i started being a jealous bitch 

56. if i could meet anyone on this earth who would it be?dan avidan

57. what do i think about the most?wtf do you think bitch

58. what’s my strangest talent?haha talent whats that

59. do i have any strange phobias?no not really

60. do i prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?depends

61. what was the last lie i told?this is emo but probably that i was alright hah

62. do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting?gosh idk,, calling is less stressful bc i don’t have to worry about my disgusting face i guess

63. do i believe in ghosts? how about aliens?there are probably aliens, but idk about ghosts i mean like who knows

64. do i believe in magic?could be real, might not be, who knows

65. do i believe in luck?yeah i guess

66. what’s the weather like right now?it’s alright

67. what was the last book i read?hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

68. do i like the smell of gasoline?no

69. do i have any nicknames?my mom calls me rainbow but not really other than that but i love nicknames so someone call me by a nickname

70. what was the worse injury i’ve ever had?i sprained my arm once

71. do i spend money or save it?spend

72. can i touch my nose with my tongue?no

73. is there anything pink ten feet from me?im wearing pink so

74. fav animal?idk

75. what was i doing last night at 12am?sleeping after a long day of mental breakdown 

76. what do i think satan’s last name is?burke

77. what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it?uhh idk

78. how can you win my heart?be funny, love music (especially if you play it/can sing), and if you have curly hair or freckles i’m probably already in love with you so

79. what would i want written on my tombstone?“i’m gay”

80. what is my fav word?i have a few, my top three are “gentle”, “lover”, and “soft”

81. my top five blogs on tumblrman i dont know

82. if the whole world were listening to me right now, what would i say?that’s too much responsibility 

83. do i have any relatives in jail?my dad went to jail a few times, two of my uncles have been in there too, but none of them are still in there

85. what would be a question i’d be afraid to tell the truth on?i sat here trying to think of one for live five mins and i cant86. what is my current desktop pic?danny sexbang 

87. had sex?no

88. bought condoms?no

89. gotten pregnant?no

90. failed a class?not for a quarter grade or anything but there have been times where i was failing

91. kissed a boy?yeah i think so

92. kissed a girl?no sadly

93. have i ever kissed somebody in the rain?no

94. had a job?no

95. left the house without my wallet?probably

96. bullied someone on the internet?no

97. had sex in public?no

98. played on a sports team?i was on the soccer team in seventh grade

99. smoked weed?nah

100. did drugs?no

101. smoke cigarettes?no

102. drank alcohol?no 

103. am i a vegetarian/vegan?no

104. been overweight?nah

105. been underweight?idk

106. been to a wedding?ive been to two

107. been on the computer for 5 hours straight?probably

108. watched tv for five hours straight?probably

109. been outside my home country?no

110. gotten my heart broken?yep

111. been to a professional sports game?no

112. broken a bone?no

113. cut myself?no, but i’ve wanted to

114. been to prom?no

115. been in an airplane?yeah

116. fly by helicopter?no

117. what concerts have i been to?i went to one twenty one pilots concert that’s it

118. had a crush on someone of the same sex?oh yeah

119. learned another language?no

120. wore makeup?i wear it everyday

121. lost my virginity before i was 18?i’ve never had sex so no

122. had oral sex?no

123. dyed my hair?yeah

124. voted in a presidential election?nope

125. rode in an ambulance? no

126. had surgery?i had a tooth extracted but that’s it

127. met someone famous?no

128. stalked someone on a social media account?dude every time my friends are online i look through their whole blog just bc i like seein what my friends are rebloggin

 129. peed outside?a long time ago but yeah

130. been fishing?yeah

131. helped with charity?i don’t have money to donate to charities 

132. been rejected by a crush?hoooo boy i sure have been

133. broken a mirror?no 

134. what do i want for my birthday?a nude binder

thank u for asking!

[smilingformoney]

It Lives in the Woods Diamond Scene: Read Dan’s Texts

You: Let’s do it. It seems like Dan wants us to know, and this is the only way he can tell us. You open Dan’s messaging app, and Stacy scoots her chair over next to yours. You: Okay, so when did all this stuff start? Stacy, you said before that Dan was having breakdowns at football games, right? When was that? Stacy: Sometime around last September, I think. Stacy reads over your shoulder as you scroll backwards through Dan’s life, rewinding across days… weeks… months…

Saturday, September 17 | 11:09 am Stacy: hey dan, its stacy… r u doing alright? Dan: yeah, what do you mean? Stacy: i saw u after the game last night… Dan: ? Stacy: crying? under the bleachers? Dan: lol what? must’ve been somebody else Stacy: im pretty sure it was you Dan: well I’m pretty sure it wasn’t lol Stacy: Then they looked a lot like you. and had your same jersey #. and afterwards im pretty sure they stole ur car Dan: I’m fine. Stacy: ok Stacy: just… i hope u know u can talk to me Stacy: about anything

Sunday, September 18 | 1:42 pm Mom: Everything okay, kiddo? Dan: yeah why Mom: My mom senses are tingling. Also I found Picard meowing outside your door this morning, and you only kick him out when you’re upset. Dan: I’m okay… just school stress and stuff. I didnt sleep super great last night Mom: Are you having the nightmares again? Dan: no, and no offense, but can we please not do the talk again Mom: ‘The Talk’? Dan: the one where I tell you a bunch of stuff that makes you look at me like a sick puppy and u try to convince me to see a shrink and I say no and we argue Mom: Ouch. Dan: sorry… im just tired Mom: Look, I know you don’t want to talk to a therapist Mom: (because you’re stubborn and you are your father’s son) Mom: But I worry about you. And I want you to be okay. Dan: I know Mom: What do you think about something like this? Mom: “New App Places Therapy at your Fingert…” Read the whole story at healthnews.pb/2016/09/15/227x941/… Dan: what is this? texting with a therapist? seems kinda cheesy… Mom: Just think about it.

Thursday, September 29 | 2:19 am Emily: hi there :) Do you prefer Daniel, or Dan? Dan: dan is fine Emily: Well Dan, my name is Dr. Emily Chambal and I’ll be your Lighthouse counselor. Emily: How are you feeling? Dan: what like now or in general? Emily: Let’s start with now. Dan: idk…hungry? Emily: Same. I’m eating nachos! Dan: aw man. Now I want nachos Emily: Yes, so does my German Shepherd. Dan: lol Emily: So how have you been feeling lately? Dan: idk… hard to describe. kind of alone i guess? Emily: Alone like sad? Dan: no. more like… scared

You: What did Dan have to be afraid of? This was long before all the creepy stuff started happening… right? Stacy: Hm… Skip ahead to November, just after Thanksgiving break. Stacy: Dan was out of school for a couple days in a row and… I don’t know. Something about it felt weird to me. You: Okay, let’s see…

Wednesday, November 30 | 9:14 am Mom: Dan, I’m trying to be respectful and give you your space but it’s been three days Mom: I’m getting worried. And the school is calling. And you have half our cups and bowls in there. Mom: please open the door Dan: tomorrow

Wednesday, November 30 | 3:17 pm Emily: Is this the first time you’ve had an episode like this? Dan: never this long Dan: idk what’s wrong with me. im just lying here shaking Emily: Did something happen that might have set this off? Dan: sort of. we went to my uncle’s cabin for thxgiving and i started having nightmares Emily: Were they about what happened? The incident when you were a kid? Dan: yeah Emily: Are you ready to talk about that yet? Dan: no Emily: That’s fine, no rush. You don’t have to answer this, but I have one other question. Would you describe this incident as negative? Or violent? Dan: yes… understatement of the century Emily: And would you say, before this episode, that it’s been a while since you last thought about it? Dan: sort of… I think about it a lot. but I try not to Dan: it got better for a few years… i just pretended it happened to someone else Emily: But visiting your uncle’s cabin brought it back for you? And then it all came rushing back to you? Sound about right? Dan: yes Emily: Okay. Well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Dan: good please Emily: The good news is, I think you’re making progress. And I think we might have an idea of what we’re dealing with now. Emily: The bad news is, from everything you’ve told me over the last couple weeks, it sounds like you might be dealing with symptoms of dissociation that manifest with some forms of PTSD Dan: what does that mean? Emily: It means this may get worse before it gets better. Emily: But I do believe it will get better. I hope you do too.

You: Looks like the next big batch is around February… Stacy: Oh, no. Winter formal… You: What happened? Stacy: After the dance, there was a big party at Seth’s house. Stacy: I found Dan freaking out in the bathroom, but then I left for a minute, and he just took off…

Friday, February 10 | 2:18 am Stacy: Dan? i left to get towels and u disappeared, where r u Dan: I’m fine, I walked home Stacy: ur clearly NOT fine Stacy: wtf is going on with u?! talk to me!! Dan: just leave me alone Stacy: okay.

Friday, February 10 | 9:14 am Mom: You came home kinda late last night. Everything okay, kiddo? Dan: ya im fine Mom: Are you sure? Do you want to talk about it? Dan: NO. for the millionth time: I AM FINE

Saturday, February 11 | 4:15 pm Dan: I did something dumb the other night… Emily: What happened? Dan: i went to a party even though i was feeling bad Dan: i had a freakout, and i was really crappy to someone who was trying to help me Dan: …two people actually Emily: Have you had any more episodes recently? Dan: sort of… ive been having nightmares all week Dan: also, as I was coming home frmm the party, i went by the woods... and I thought I saw something. Dan: i guess it was probably just a hallucination but it really freaked me out. p sure i ran most of the way home Emily: These woods… are they near where your original incident took place? Dan: yeah Emily: Okay, let me ask you this… Emily: How do you feel when you see a forest? Or when you think about being inside one? Dan: bad Emily: Bad how? Dan: like i cant breathe Emily: Do you think the woods might be a trigger for you? You see a bunch of dark trees and you start thinking about what happened? Dan: yeah! Like at my uncle’s cabin! Emily: If that’s the case, then I think I have an idea for how we might start to deal with this. Let me run something by you…

Stacy: After that… I think my last text with Dan was in June.

Monday, June 5 | 4:15 pm Stacy: Hi Dan. I was thinking about you today. It’s been a few months since we talked and I’m sad with how we left things off. I hope you’re doing okay. Dan: Hi stacy. I’m good :) Dan: I mean I wasnt before, but I think im getting better. I can’t talk now but…soon? Stacy: that’d be great Dan: have a good summer vacation! Stacy: u too dan

Monday, June 5 | 6:15 pm Dan: New record! Emily: Woo! Dan: this time I went right up to the treeline & stood there for 10 minutes Emily: That’s great! I’m happy that you’re making so much progress. Dan: its not enough though. i still have to go inside Dan: i have to see the place where it happened. i have to face it. Emily: Remember not to push yourself too hard, okay? If this starts to stress you out too much, there are always other methods we can try. Emily: Just take it one day at a time.

You: It’s mostly little texts after that, all throughout summer. You: One step into the woods… a picnic five feet inside… He was working his way up to it. Working his way up to… You: Last week.

Sunday | 3:15 pm Mom: You have everything you need? Dan: yep Mom: Toothbrush? Underwear? Blanket? Dan: yep yep yep Mom: Okay. Have fun, stay safe! You want me to come and pick you up from Tony’s tomorrow? Dan: you don’t have to do that. i’ll walk Mom: K. Call if you change your mind? Dan: lol, you’re acting like this is some huge deal. i’ve crashed at Tony’s house like a million times Mom: Not for years! I’m just so happy to see that you’re doing better. Mom: I love you. Dan: thanks mom. love u too. see u tomorrow

5:15 pm Dan: Hi Dr. Chambal. I’m standing on the edge of the woods for what I hope is going to be the last time. Just wanted to say thank you for all your help. Dan: I’m going in there tonight. And this time, I’m going all the way to where it happened. To end this once and for all. Dan: I’m going to walk into that house and tell Mr. Red he’s not real. And he never was. And he doesn’t scare me anymore.

10:15 pm Emily: Hi Dan. Sorry, Sundays are my day off, just saw your messages. Emily: I’m glad I’ve been helpful to you, but I hope you understand that trauma isn’t something you can just ‘fix’ with one grand gesture. Emily: Dealing with what happened is going to take a lifetime of work that may not ever stop. but it will get easier. Emily: There are also limits to what a mental health professional can do via text, and I do still strongly encourage you to consider traditional therapy as a long term treatment option. Emily: Also, I hope that if you’re going into the woods, you’re staying safe and taking a buddy. Emily: You have a lot of people who care about you, and there are other dangerous things out there besides bad memories. Emily: take care, talk soon

10:47 pm Emily: wait I just re-read your last text Emily: Who’s Mr. Red? Emily: Dan? Who is Mr. Red? Emily: Are you there? Emily: Dan???

You put down Dan’s phone, your hands shaking a little. You: Oh, Dan… I’m so sorry. I promise, we’re going to find a way to help you. And… You: …And when you wake up, we’re going to be here for you. Whatever you need. You squeeze Dan’s hand… and he lets out a long sigh. Dan +15 Dan: Hhhhhhh… Noah: We’ll help more than that quack doctor. She told Dan it was all in his mind! She’s the reason he went to face Mr. Red! Lily: That’s not fair, Noah. Dr. Chambal didn’t tell him to do that. She did the best she could with the information Dan gave her. Lucas: And it did seem like she was helping him. It seemed like he was getting better at dealing with everything, until… Ava: …Until Mr. Red ruined everything. Again.