#idk I’m either mad depressed or ramble inane shit when Im left alone
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#I think I’m just constantly seeking to be perceived through my drawings because i can’t use words bc I used to get yelled at for speaking w#a stutter and that my mom wouldn’t look at my drawings without linking them to a direct reflection of me myself#I want people to see the meanings I hastily hid into my drawings and acknowledge#I want to hide but also to be found#it’s so hard hinging my entire identity on drawing this particular guy from an ever shrinking fandom because when he’s in pain I felt that#it’s worse than posting original works and drawing for big fandoms#like follower count and notes and comments are everything to me because I want to be perceived so much coming out of my invisible teenage#and shit people say about ur still a developing artist don’t focus too much on the clout like yes that makes sense and no I don’t want it#I only want my thoughts (in my drawings) to be acknowledged or else I don’t feel anchored to reality anymore#it’s not like I know how to actually befriend people on my own nor do I have the energy to interact with a lot of people#I know I’m a really thorny person and lash out very often (most through my drawings) and it’s not ‘good’ but I still want to be. seen.#mine#idk I’m either mad depressed or ramble inane shit when Im left alone#dissecting my aimless life up until this point
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