#idk I used to think he was just tired and snappish as a kid then I discovered the concept of alcohol and ojhhh. so that’s what does that

[checkadii]

Horribly easily to tell if my dads drunk

[disparais]

above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim

eventful first week back at college. trying not to list anything in exceedingly great detail like i was previously wont to do, so-

monday:

first day of school! skipped last lecture to go kayaking with l, h and a. we didn’t end up doing much kayaking + just talked a lot, but being around people i’m genuinely comfortable with was so relaxing it was liberating.

quite proud of myself for having the willpower to stay up and craft l a decent card. i’d feel bad calligraphing her something because it smacks of no effort.

tuesday:

a came in the day to crash a lecture, and she loved the penyet wuhu.

highlight of the day: cf. well, more specifically, running into s at hv (where she proceeded to spectacularly embarrass me by yelling my name across the street), running into s and c at daily scoop, having to sit beside them because the place was ridiculously crowded, and the ensuing invigorating conversation on the panopticon + gender + capitalism + predestination + moral subjectivism with p, s and c.

(nearly burst out laughing when p told j “give me 10 minutes” HAHA)

wednesday:

skipped my first lecture of the year (abnormal bleeding) for an emergency fc meeting.

got stressed af at night when jp arrived at my suite because i hadn’t responded to a’s texts (hey i’d really been busy with ifg training and all). i hate having my personal space invaded by people i’m not close to (i.e. if i didn’t invite you in, you shouldn’t be here) and i was especially rankled by the fact that jp himself was clearly colossally stressed (and i uncharacteristically mirrored him). he’d spent the week speaking in this annoying as fuck hushed tone which made him supremely hard to hear, and he oscillated between sounding exasperated and exhausted which made things difficult because i was torn between frustration (with him, and with the situation) and sympathy/guilt (because he really did have a lot on his plate and the stress, while poorly-managed, was understandable).

i’m ashamed to admit i got snappish and chased g away (as nicely as i was able to, under the circumstances) to protect her from my immediate ire. i wish i’d had better control over my emotions - i seldom melt down this severely under stress, but the pressure that day was somehow overwhelming and her attentions made me feel suffocated and distracted (i mostly needed her to go away so that i could focus on my work). felt so bad thinking these thoughts because she’s so genuine and sweet and sincere and deserved better than what she got from me that night.

g whipped out her strawberry paper and wrote me a card + got kt to write as well. so grateful for them both.

thursday:

lunched with l at bv - my paleo buddy hehe. g gave us some strange butterfly pea-blue cake from chalk farm (sobs mad throwback to london).

fc, d-day.

was mildly triggered when g texted me about it raining because i was in lectures and i’d honestly have preferred it if she hadn’t, but i’m also frankly amazed that i was on her mind and that she was filled with dismay on my behalf - that is moving, and so very selfless.

was bitter and angry about the rain at first, but the bitterness quickly gave way to a sincere desire to understand His will for me.

i was no closer to finding answers/peace by the time the event came round, but i soldiered through with the wet-weather plan i’d firmed up the night before (grateful that jp convinced me to bother with a matrix). was livid with m and jp though, because they failed to keep their promise about letting me call the shots re wet/dry weather, but when it came to the crunch, they opposed me. foolish optimists.

closing ceremony was beyond excellent. electric atmosphere, heard the event heads cried and DO loved it...ahh so fulfilled. and l came! l told me about how the rain’d prevented her from exploring lab park and how all her friends just so happened to be unavailable, resulting in her hanging out with her last resort - her sister. i was so touched by her story, and was more than a little grateful (both towards her and God) for having a reason to be joyful even given the circumstances.

came back completely wiped (my parents gave jp and m a lift back to utown at midnight), and shared my day with g and kt. (took a lotta courage to invite kt, because g and i both agree kt seems to be feelin’ the suite thing less and less these days) was frankly surprised kt acquiesced. i miss how easy things were between the 3 of us last sem; y1s2 feels like an eternity ago now, and kt feels so much more distant all of a sudden.

anyway, things were almost strained, which was beyond heartbreaking - i tried drawing her in/engaging her, but she didn’t really want to take the bait, and eventually she left midway through the conversation. it’s hard to believe there isn’t something inherently broken within me, socially, whenever things like these happen (okay, the rational part of me knows that this is my full-blown shame trigger, but still. i’ll keep this thought here, because it’s frightening that it even crossed my mind.) (it’s not like she offered a “i gotta sleep soon, sorry” or anything. and i think i saw her light on? even close to 3.). i felt really bad because i think the topic of conversation was too moralistic and religiously-tinted, which made it by nature exclusive.

i don’t know how to achieve the same kind of balance that suitefam had last semester. right now, things have just been distilled into me + g. but then again there was the card that came just last night. idk what’s up la sigh don’t overthink this girl this is just gonna go the cupcake route.

got mad abdominal colic after that (can’t tell it if it was a drawn-out sympathetic response to the social anxiety) and excused myself for a while before returning to a half-asleep g. /end convo

friday:

s ahhh i can’t help but admit i feel like he gets me better than j does these days and that makes me so so sad + filled with helplessness

he’s so demanding and i always somehow find it in myself to indulge it sometimes; i can’t believe myself. i always did have a thing for 霸道 people and indulging their whims though - and j used to bother, i think. maybe he still does. i hope he still does - i love him first and foremost, and i really hope he understands where i’m coming from (more on that later).

logically this isn’t going anywhere, s isn’t able to do this and i’m still hoping against hope that j+i can work out somehow, but there’s a tiny traitorous portion of my heart that’s like nope i don’t think so. a much larger portion of my heart is like yas this is the elder brother i never had ;___; the thing i have with s is super precious and all la i really hope we last long friendship-wise haha

anyway. s walked me to nuh the staff way - it was super cool haha and i totally noticed he walked me far further than he originally said he would. was xiao touched la all the words of affirmation and encouragement and sdgl;kgetnrv that day he really read me shockingly well (i guess i trust him to the extent that i don’t throw up (m)any barriers - my occlumency is pretty legit ok) and bolstered my confidence + determination a whole lot.

arrived at nuh only to discover j talking to b and nearly chickened out of telling him a single thing but thankfully b wised up and left. (b is with sb omg) was lowkey annoyed by j settling cgl stuff during dinner (though at least he apologized, not that that makes it acceptable), and was extremely miffed by him cutting me off mid-sentence to deal with more things on his phone. really?

s told me to get up and walk away HAHA but i’d never had a flair for the dramatic, and i certainly wasn’t about to start then.

walked all the way to acjc + ticket saga which mercifully got resolved. he wanted to study gs for the extra hour we had before the concert began and that was when something inside me snapped - seriously, we hardly get to meet and you want to use our one precious hour of free time to study?

/c i’m too tired to go into my discussion with j now (i grade his performance at a solid B- though. and s gave me my first A of medsku wuhu)

came back and called s (see he’s like my de facto bf. ok just kidding he’s a very good friend who is somehow very invested in making sure my relationship works since it involves his near&dear sorta-childhood friend + his “counsellee”) for like 1.5h (mostly post-mortem-ing the discussion) + suppered with j and j.

saturday:

overslept so i didn’t go for commserv in the end haha.

party at js’ house-

i think s was oblivious re the contact (!! wholly initiated by him) but he broke that barrier like 10 times or something haha. as someone who’s fairly sensitive to touch i was kinda shocked but it was nice - touch is the most reserved and special of love languages for me with exceptional close friends/+ and s somehow qualifies. (but of course it would be Inappropriate of me to initiate HAHA)

also s is fucking fantastic at floating. literally the best i have ever played against, m included. don’t think anyone can top m as my best contract partner, though.

+ s told me something and ahh let’s just say i’m certain we won’t get entangled in the near future so it’s all fine for now; my conscience is clear.

also qx --> s. he literally hates me lmao s noted how he actively avoided talking to me at all costs. rip. and c is a parrot

 so yeah, as i said, eventful week. week 2 hmu!!! ok 3.17am i really need to sleep because 9am haem tutorial tomorrow (today) sigh. s is coming over for dinner + berries and that’s all i have to be excited about apart from breakfast with g s i g h long day ahead go sleep you silly creature you