#idk I just saw that my one cousin got engaged recently and got a vision of me and my partner showing up to the function and so on

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[obaewankenope]

my life in a nutshell (or twenty damned paragraphs because ‘brevity, what is thou?’)

so i’m ill. my joints and muscles are flaring up with pain again. i’m getting constant migraines. my vision keeps blurring. i can’t walk more than twenty paces before my legs feel like jelly spaghetti. my forearms are nothing but shooting pains along the nerves which is  n o t  f u n. and i am suffering something awful with ibs (irritable bowel syndrome), alternatively known as The Time of Farts That Kill and Three Hour Toilet Escapades.

i went to my job centre appointment today with my sick note. got that copied and they’re sending it off because i refuse to send it in the post when a) i can’t make a copy of it and b) if it gets lost in the post, they’ll blame me. because it’s sent internally, they can’t accuse me of anything.

i received a letter from uc saying i’m no longer entitled to ANY payments from them because of the sanction they gave me - a 2.5 month long sanction btw.

i need to call them up and demand request a mandatory reconsideration because they’re really dragging this out now and i feel like just slitting my fucking wrists ffs. i don’t even want to call them. the very idea of just waiting for them to answer me on the line, telling them the circumstances, listening to the faux fucking ‘sympathy’ that’s really ‘judgement’, and being left in limbo even fucking more... i’d rather rip my own skin off and it’s really fucking tempting right now (my skin is itching for me to do so fucking fuck).

i’ve signed up to this thing online where i review books and might get paid for them (not all of them tho) but like, even a £1 a review from them makes a difference at this point.

i’ve been told i can’t get another eye test through the nhs because my last one was too recent (tho since they keep sending me letters about it i have no fucking idea) and so i’m stuck with this single pair of glasses that i don’t think are as helpful as they were.

i’ve stopped taking my amitrypline medication because the side effects were horrific and i felt more unstable on them than i’ve ever felt before in my life. i don’t know if they’ve caused some of the stuff i’m experiencing now but i recently noticed that i keep getting a tingling sensation in my face, sort of like pins and needles, and there’s a significant decrease in sensitivity on the left side of my face compared to the right.

i’ve had numbness and tingling issues for years now but the hypersensitivity i have from being autistic sort of counters it to some degree because, when i’m asked “can you feel that?” and the doctor pokes my leg, i answer “yes” because i still sort of can. even when i’ve mentioned “i feel it less though” it’s like it’s just something irrelevant and to be dismissed.

idk if anyone has followed me long enough (or cared about my personal life tbh), but about two years ago, back when i first started trying to get doctors to take me seriously, i genuinely believed that my symptoms were potentially MS related. this was before my brother’s diagnosis of fibro, so i assumed “i have a cousin with MS that zig-zags her body and the things she’s described match a lot of the things i have”. doctor i saw back then dismissed it though.

i’ve tried to contact my rhuematology specialist to sort of my medication and, maybe, see if there’s anything to my worries about this. but i s2g, if i get dismissed again i might scream. i mean, i’ve never had an MRI. when i asked for one two years ago, i was told point blank “we won’t waste the money on you to have a scan” and i just- wtf? MRI scans are incredibly useful for diagnosing and ruling out a multitude of conditions/illnesses/injuries. not only that, but they can help reveal problems or issues that you don’t even know about that could be dangerous or harmful ffs. but it’s a “waste of money” to spend right...

still bitter about that.

mason is doing better than he was but he’s still had some bloody pee today. we think he’ll be okay but we’re keeping an eye on him. the money for his treatment came from the amazing people on here who donated and i can’t thank you enough for that! we made sure to buy additional toys and change the litter we use as well to see if that makes any difference overall. so far, i think it might be. and none of that would have been possible without ya’ll sending money so thank you from the bottom of my cold, shrivelled, cat-shaped heart.

i’m pissed off at my lecturer for what he said in monday’s class when we complained about the one-and-a-half hour long video he made us watch with no subtitles on fucking philosophy of all things. he told the class that we need to be engaging with material at this level and have no excuse to not bother to do so.

he says that in a class about disability studies.

he says that as a blind man who is disabled.

he says that in a class where i am and who he knows has a neurodevelopmental disorder.

he says one of the most intellectually ableist things i’ve heard a fucking lecturer ever say and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it and i just- what the fucking fuck.

fucking pisses me off so much. he already pissed me off last term with the way he worded things in private conversations after the whole ‘left classroom because group I was working with for a presentation were assholes’ thing happened. it’s so. i don’t think i have words.

or the energy.

gods but my life has gone to fucking shit lately.