#idk I just feel so self concious all the time lately

[saltyfilmmajor]

I used to have things to say

[sapphos-darlings]

hiya. i adore your blog. i just had a question.

i love women. absolutely perfect. chefs kiss. love them. but with men... like i can appreciate when a guy is (conventionally or uniquely ig) attractive, but when im around them, any of them, i just feel... repulsed and nervous. i dont want to be close to them at all, in any romantic or sexual way, but because i can identify aesthetic attraction, idk if that makes me bi (or more specifically febfem) or a lesbian that knows what an attractive man is.

do you have any advice?

Hello, Anon! Thank you, we're more than happy to be here for women like you!

Yes, I have advice. Using your eyes to detect a good-looking person doesn't make you anything except a person with working eyes. Just because you can detect a man who is good-looking or charming, or admire someone like a celebrity doesn't mean anything about your sexual orientation.

A lesbian is a woman who is exclusively same-sex attracted, meaning you want and seek out sexual and/or romantic relations only with other women. That's it. It doesn't make you bi to like how a man looks unless you also would desire to follow that up with romantic or sexual activities with him, which you wrote you don't. But I can relate to your self-doubt, I had a lot of that in my late teens. The pressure for women to be attracted to men is so heavy that it's really hard to realize that you are indeed the complete opposite of that, and especially us lesbians get our homophobia served along with misogyny that both belittles and demonizes female sexuality.

Back when I was younger I too constantly felt somewhat unreal with my orientation and along that came feeling defensive and sensitive about it. I was worried that if I so much as said I like a rockstar or was impressed with an actor or pointed out a goodlooking guy for my bi and straight friends, someone would gleefully write my lesbianism off as fake. I think having a part of you declared non-existent by others is a specal kind of pain. It's like being targeted by those common lesbophobic myths like "two women can't have sex" or "women are purely romantic and nonsexual, it's just friendship between girls", so the fear of that leads to being self-concious and defensive.

With time I realized that constantly interrogating my every thought and feeling and worrying what others might think is a form of internalized homophobia. I was doing that to myself, defending myself even before anything had happened or anyone had said anything and demanding a good performance of lesbianism from myself, and it was stressing me out.

The key was confidence in myself and building up a defense against outside influences. I exist, and just because someone else doesn't believe in homosexuality or hates women doesn't actually erase me. It would hurt, but being wrong is that someone else's problem.

I am a lesbian because I'm only attracted to other women, and just because I think Jensen Ackles has a pretty face doesn't change that. I'm still not going to date or want any male person (even the celebrities I admire, even in my dreams). I'm a lesbian in real life.

If I reblog gif sets of my favorite characters from my favorite war series on my blog and some rando comes up to me like "hey you can't be a lesbian if you like these men so much!" I'm not going to entertain that. I'm going to delete that ask or tell the person to get away from me, because their claim is stupid and some random stranger isn't entitled to debating my personal matters with me anyway. Sexual orientation is about who you fall in love with and have sexual desire for. There are plenty of feelings, like admiration, friendship, being impressed, or appreciation, that have nothing to do with your orientation.

I hope this helps!

- Lavender

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Alright- this absolutely is not a complete self insert, i do not know what you mean- May I Ask for some HCs where the best friend of Fuyuhiko, Mikan, Sayaka, Makoto, Rantaro, Miu annnddd Hajime has a really bad scar from when they were scratched by a baby tiger, underneath their eye?- (Ive been feeling v e r y self concious of it lately -even tho its not that bad :(- and need some comfort from the b a b s-) -Porcelain Anon (And as always! You have a great blog ::3)

Oop funny enough I uh got a scrape above my eye today (for a rly dumb reason I ain’t sharing jgjdjg).

Idk how Sayaka, Hajime, and Makoto would react tbh so you’ll get the others!

...........

Fuyuhiko

“You’ll laugh if I tell you where I got this from.”

“[Y/n], my dumbass ran into an execution I thought I could stop. So try me.”

“A tiger cub scratched me.”

“Wait fr?!”

He thinks it’s badass.

But he gets how you can be self-conscious about it at times.

Suggests you get an eyepatch if you’re really worried about it.

Tho he thinks you’re cool with or without one.

Mikan

“A-A cute little tiger did this????”

Expect her to immediately treat the scar, worried how close it is to your eye, the risk of infection, etc.

You feel kinda bad making her this worried.

She might go into detail about what might happen if the claw did go through your eye-

But she apologized before going too far.

You know she’s looking out for you and appreciate it.

Rantaro

On his many adventures, he’s come across fierce wild animals.

Fortunately he didn’t sustain too many deep scratches.

So he’s intrigued as you explain how a tiger cub scratched you.

“I’m sure that little fella didn’t mean it. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of either.”

He thinks scars like those always have interesting stories to tell.

Miu

“wOAH THAT’S A BADASS SCAR!! Who have you been roughhousing with?”

“...I’ve just handled a tiger cub before.”

“......oh neat!”

That’s all she has to say about the scar, really.

Doesn’t think you need to hide it.

But if necessary she’ll be happy to make a prosthetic eye for you just in case.

[pacifymebby]

Hiya girlie I went over to my guys last night we had a fun time!! He ordered dinner and that was really nerve wracking for me because I don’t like eating meals in front of other people. But I got through it and we played games afterwards and had a lovely time. We still spent a bit more time in the bedroom than we did getting to know each other haha but we’re seeing each other again on the weekend so that’s okay! Something I’ve found is that I’m so much less self conscious when it comes to being naked in front of him/getting undressed! Idk why I guess it’s just because as much as I see my body as repulsive I know that he obviously doesn’t. Like he wants to be there and he wants to see me like that. And that’s helping me to enjoy the experience a lot more and not focus so much on my body while it’s happening. I still get the ick when he touches my tummy but I’m sure that’ll change over time. Anyway funny anecdote I burped while I was giving him head and then I’m pretty sure I threw up a little into the back of my throat… so humiliating 😭 - age gap crush anon

Okay so this is from a little bit ago but omg I have done that before too whilst giving head!! I've nearly been sick a few times actually but it's because I get carried away trying to go deeper haha.

Honestly all of the self consciousness will fade away eventually and even the bits that linger like, you'll get used to it and get used to letting him see you like that and be with him like that regardless. And you'll definitely find that as he becomes more tuned into your feelings hell be able to tell when you feel that way and will be reassuring too.

B can tell when I get shy or self concious and will literally start showering me with praise and reassurance and stuff.

Also omg well done about eating because i still struggle with thst so much, me and B have had whole arguments lately about the fact I don't want to eat when I've been at his and stuff.

Again, as you eat with him more you will get used to it and feel safer and more confident eating with him. And again, when you feel comfortable talk to him about this shit, if he's as sds as he seems to be he will only wanna take care of you and reassure you and stuff x

[ao3gingerswag]

The new chapter is making me angsty again so here’s a soft thing I thought of:

Cas always does things with his hands. He’s been working since he’s been a young boy, and he has calluses on his hands to show it. Because of this, he also finds comfort in the routine of doing stuff with his hands.

When Dean returns, Cas is extremely careful about touching Dean. He is terrified that he’ll upset Dean with a bad touch and make him even more fearful than he is. To counter this, he only lets Dean initiate touch between them.

It’s late one night. Sam has already gone to bed. Dean and Cas are sitting next to each other by the fire, and Dean is leaning against Cas.

Cas is fiddling with a piece of cloth, twisting it between his fingers, when Dean reaches and grasps his hand. Cas’ hands still.

Slowly, Dean slips his hand into Cas’ and loosens the grip on the cloth. Cas walks, raptured. He watches Dean pull his hand to his own lap. He feels Dean caress the palm before flipping his hand so the palm is facing upward. He sees and feels Dean touch the calluses with the reverence of a holy man.

“I like your hands,” Dean whispers. In the quiet of the night, it feels like a confession. After weeks of unease, the peace is fragile, but beautiful.

“Thank you,” Cas whispers back, and the smile adorning Dean’s face is worth it.

(Mistakes are mine.)

YESSSSSSS!!! ITS!! ABOUT!! THE HANDS!!!!!!

Ohhh god Cas IS gonna be so careful with Dean and about touching Dean ;~; I also gooood I also feel like YES he has calluses all over his hands from a life time of hard work and he's always nervous that his hands r gonna be too rough on Dean's skin and that he isn't capable of handling Dean as carefully as he deserves bc u know "i'm just a simple working man idk how to be ~delicate~" tho of course he DOES know how to be delicate and soft and is always SO gentle when he touches Dean ;~; God I make myself feel so soft for them but also so amused at Cas when i write the way Cas thinks of himself in relation to Dean bc Cas is always thinking of himself as some sort of brute who is barely worthy of looking at Dean and doesn't know how to touch him without breaking him....and like look we all love the gentle giant trope, we all love the trope of the super rough around the edges guy really being a sweetheart once you get past the surface. But in truth Cas is NOT that gcfhjk he's literally not a big scary guy at ALL he's literally like an average 16 year old boy tfghvjbk. Like he's bigger and stronger than DEAN but thats bc everyone is bigger and stronger than Dean bc Dean has been starved his whole life. But it's about his own perception of himself!! It's about his own internal idea that he is indelicate and insensitive and coarse because he's AWKWARD and has always felt like he navigates interpersonal relationships so crudely that it spills over to his perception of his body and interactions with the physical world as well!!

Ok that kind of got off topic!!! All that to say that Cas constantly thinks of his own touch as coarse and his hands as rough and when Dean sits quietly besides him TRUSTIIIING him and takes his hand in his own and looks at Cas's ragged palms and gently traces his calluses with his own gentle fingers ;~; and looks straight at them and SMILES!! And says "I like your hands!!!"

aaaaaAAAAHHHH Cas's heart fucking MELTS it means soooo much to him even tho it's just a shy offhand comment for Dean!! Because Cas feels seen!! He feels like Dean is looking at the crude rough parts of himself that he's so self concious about and so worried he's gonna scare or hurt Dean with!! And being absolved!! Dean likes his rough callused hands!! Dean likes HIM!!! Dean doesn't see Cas the way Cas sees himself, and isn't afraid of him like Cas is afraid of himself!!!

[weakconstruct]

I’m gonna do a special thing for my late Munday Post (lol since it’s Tuesday now)

I LOVE villains but have a hard time roleplaying one, I know it’s cliché but I try to be as kind as possible, and it hurts to hurt others.

My greatest source of inspiration when roleplaying is the material I get from my partners. All of my roleplay partners will say things I don’t traditionally think of, and together we create plot lines that wouldn’t be crafted if we were writing the plots alone!

I’m not religious, I’m spiritual! Religious people do bad things and hurt others in my opinion, while spiritual people follow their religion to spread love. I am a Christian, I am gay, and I love you for you!

I don’t always listen to music but sometimes I do, especially when roleplaying. It doesn’t matter what kind as long as it’s a fucking bop. Blast some pop, rap, anything catchy that I enjoy, and bam it’s a party!

My random fact is... I can’t stand pessimism. A lot of the time I’m my own worst pessimist, especially because I am pretty self concious and break myself down, but with nurturing and love, mostly from my friends, I enjoy the brighter sides of situations. You can’t live a happy life if you always look for the bad.

My preference for my own muses is actually women. I am a feminine gay male and so I write women easily, on the other hand though, I don’t write women sexually very well. I do sometimes write as strictly gay males since straight men don’t come naturally. Although... for some reason I can write lesbian pretty well! Idk what I’m doing guys, just gotta learn to love me.

When I was younger I stabbed a boy with a pencil right in the skin in-between your index and thumb. I was pretty unstable and a little crazy so I just got fed up with him and WHAM my graphite was in his hand. He was so scared he didn’t tell the teacher, and I knew it was really bad the second I snapped. After helping him clean it, I apologized like 400 times, and now that I’m older I’ve stabilized a lot.

My Monday was pretty great until I started watching sad Steven Universe videos... but in a way... that’s great too, I believe emotions are healthy and express them without fear.

On my birthdays I usually have my closest friends over to hang out, I get cake, my favorite dinner, and some small presents too. We aren’t very monitarily stable so I’ve never known big birthday parties before.

I wouldn’t clone myself... I’ve been told I’m annoying, but in a way that you learn to love and appreciate my quirks... but! My best friend also said if there was a second me, she would kill him so... let’s just not go there.

I do not choose to wear makeup, unless for fun. I’ll let my best girls practice on me, but I don’t go in public with makeup on. Not because it’s “only for girls” but because I don’t like how it feels on my face!

I have one, 26 year old, brother. We aren’t very close, but we are civil and kind to each other, so it’s still okay! I attribute our distance to how different we are in age. (I’m 19)

One time I was running from my dad and ran into the fridge. You know that moment when the cartoon rams into something so hard they vibrate and fall out unconscious on the ground? That was me... OH and another time I stepped on a gardening hoe, and really did experience that moment where the handle flies up and nails you between the eyes... I swear to God... I am SOOOO clumsy.

Sadly I don’t know what romantic love is. I may be almost 20 years old, but I have never had a significant other. While I have kissed and experimented a small bit, I think I’ve only ever had one deep crush on a boy. Meanwhile Galena may be developing some feelings in some of my roleplays! We will just have to see.

I like my signature, but my handwriting is fucking shit... like don’t even play... this is why I type things.

The last time I went to the movies was when I watched Deadpool 2 on opening day. Fucking fantastic movie too! I wanna see Incredibles 2 SO BAD... but it’ll have to wait... unfortunately...

Sometimes I can be a bit jealous when it comes to roleplaying, but I would never say anything rude or off-putting to my mutuals. I’m probably over reacting when I get jealous anyway, so no worries loves!

And there you have it! I answered EVERYTHING on that list for this LATE Munday post! I hope you guys will enjoy learning about me!

Yet Another Munday Meme  Send me a symbol and I’ll answer ooc 

ѩ - Are there any characters that you love, but simply cannot role play? 

Җ - What’s your greatest source of inspiration when it comes to role playing? 

ℛ - Are you religious? 

♬ - Do you listen to music when you write? If yes, what kind of music? 

ᚡ - Random fact about the mun? 

✒ - Do you have a preference when it comes to gender regarding your muses? 

ಹ - Share a story from your childhood! 

෴ - Tell us about your day. 

㉘ - How do you usually spend your birthdays? 

⨌ - If you ever had the opportunity to clone yourself, would you? 

ᚖ - Do you wear makeup?

༺ - Do you have any siblings? What’s your relationship with them like? 

๛ - Share an embarrassing story about yourself! 

❤ - Are you and/or your muse currently in love with someone? 

ℳ - Do you think you have a good handwriting? 

☢ - When was the last time you went to the cinema? What movie did you watch?

⨕ - Are you a jealous role player? 

[realbebopblues]

dear end of 2019 samantha, 2019 was hard yes, but it was also one of the better ones. 2020 was genuinely the worst year our life. so much has gone wrong so much has been mentally debilitating. words cannot describe the pain you felt this year from yourself and because of the struggles within the family. the pandemic was a huge contributor, but not for everything. i do have a clearer idea of what i want to do, i haven’t accomplished everything i wanted to and i’m still at wa//lgreens but one can only blame the weight of what the year brought down. i still need to get my license/a car (tho i am an excellent driver now), get a new part time job. for career i want to go back to school for teaching, the pandemic helped me realize that. i need something stable, but creative. i want to be a writer most of all. i want to paint and illustrate as well, i bought books to help wih research. i feel like my mind has gotten even clearer because my desires have changed, but i still have a lot of issues, tho now i am willing to admit i need help and i genuinely want it. idk when i’ll be able to get there, but i’m no longer against it.

i think 2021 could be our year tho, to me 2020 was rock bottom, so now we have to move up. 2021 is year of the ox, when you turn 24. time is aligning. i still need to work on my courage and taking the starting step. i can’t be like this for forever, i have to move forward. i can only hope things will be better for the family as a whole. i truly, truly hope 2021 is good to you samantha, please don’t repeat this one in any way. this one isn’t the end it’s just a rock in your road, maybe a fire in the road. but it’s not forever, the disaster will be put out and you can continue.

it’s funny i used to talk about hating myself all the time. i think one thing i accomplished this year is moving past that. i’m not sure i hated myself in 2019, i think that’s when it stopped. but it’s strange to think about. it used to be there looming over me and now when i look to see if it’s still there, it’s just not. that feeling is gone. i am self concious, but i think that’s getting better too maybe? idk my anxiety is very bad, and i haven’t been around people as often so maybe that’s why. i think you’ll continue to get better in different ways. you’re growing. i can’t wait to see who you are by 2021, i’m hopeful and i hope that’s not misplaced. i hope i can be hopeful, i am a bit afraid as well. but i think i’m smarter than i was, i feel things connecting in my brain more easily, even rmring things better. it will be okay.

currently, it’s actually 1:30am~ and you are sitting in your bed with your new bedspread that GJ made you for helping her out so much after her surgery but also as a birthday gift. you’re listening to adieu from the cowboy bebop soundtrack. you’ve started reading the gla**ss hote**l after finishing your sta**tion eleven reread. you’ve also learned to be more critical in the way you take in media. also you’ve grown closer to people this year. it’s so late that i don’t care how messy the letter is. you’ll read it soon enough, you’ll be a stronger and wiser person i’m sure. please write more of your book and paint as much as possible. my wishes for your pleasures in 2021 are for you to create. see you in the future 💚

to the samantha that is now entering 2020, i hope 2019 was better than 2018, but that you accomplished even more. and i hope youre enjoying a new album from miss taeyeon :)

if you rmr, right now youre in the car listening to bts w mother and savannah on your way to see your great grandmother. you have work later, but hopefully by this time you have a different job. maybe ill write more but this is it for now going into the nursing home!!!