#idk I don't blame people for being too online I know how life is being rn and I am too online as well

[dolores-slay]

Current state of Utena discourse of twitter seems to be like the exact thing everyone would expect to come out of current social media and utena combination but somehow still infinitely more disappointing that it's actually happening.

Idk what started it but now we have people saying there's no way a person can be attracted to someone who ends up abusing them. And the uncharitable followup from that would be to ask 'so is being attracted consent to getting abused by someone?'. And it's a question I don't really want to hear answered honestly because I know the honest answer would be that yes, so many queer people, many of whom are fellow women attracted to women, do think that by being attracted to men, bi women are at least in part bringing on their own abuse.

And Utena is cool to them, they want to relate to this character, of course she didn't bring on her abuse! Which necessitates her being a lesbian, maybe with comphet, and interpreting her as anything else is just delusional hc at best and lesbiphobia at worst.

Thing is there's been people for over 20 years now, existing together in online communities, some of which interpreted Utena as lesbian and some of which interpreted her as bisexual, and we could all exist at the same time because not only is SKU a work of fiction and its characters are not real people, but is also NOTORIOUSLY open to different readings and interpretation and never really provides you any straight (heh) answers to much of anything. One thing we 10000% know is she's not straight.

Usually I have no issue with hyperspecific labeling cause people are allowed to define themselves however they damn want BUT what I'm seeing is specificity about the identities of fictional characters making people go to online war and everyone could really, really be doing something else with their time.

(not to mention the bigger bog going on with calling out longtime fandom archivers for liking a compelling villain or going 'hmmmm kinda sus to me' over not expressing ones fascination with said villain in a way that would be convicing enough to you, personally, that they don't endorse the villain's actions. Like there's media illiteracy which I am myself guilty of often, and then there's just being malicious)

[drdemonprince]

Any advice for supporting someone who’s being publicly called out in a pretty vile transmisogynist way? This feels worse because it’s something in the local scene (small city where everyone knows each other) rather than purely online. Don’t wanna re-litigate the merits of the callout - this is a girl I know somewhat but don’t talk to and there are a few friends of mine either spreading the callout or who are friends w/ someone who got in a public shouting match with her over it all. Feels fucking slimy and gross regardless of whether there’s merit to the claims - I’ve never cut ppl off before (avoidant & cowardly) but idk. It’s coming off rlly nasty and hypocritical from ppl who espouse a radical politic, i wanna dm her some words of support but I wanna do so knowing I got the backbone to stop fucking with these ppl. Better to talk to these friends abt it or ice them out? How do u talk to ppl who feel they’re doing this shit for the common good / social murder can be justified and is only a problem when it’s not

I'd check in with the cancelled person first and see what it is that she wants. She might be very uncomfortable with the idea of you cutting of a segment of your own social circle as a principled stand in her defense, or it might have broader social consequences that kind of escalates things or creates a sense of different "camps" existing in ways that could absolutely make life way worse for her. Before you throw yourself into this fight, best make sure it's a fight of only your own making and that it doesn't go back to her. Typically, it's the trans woman who gets blamed for fucking everything.

I think it's best to just keep in mind that certain friends of yours are willing to take these kinds of actions, and let that inform your trust of them and your degree of social exposure to them. If they did this to her, they can do it to you, and they might do it to her even further to punish her for whatever you do about it. It's much better potentially to de-escalate, keep yourself out of the noxious feedback loop of the cancellers entirely, not give them any fresh information or drama to become incensed about.

Quietly and *privately* do what you can honestly do to show up for the trans woman herself. Hang out with her. Invite her to private gatherings with people who don't know or care about this dumb bullshit. Help her pay her rent if her living situation is now threatened. Cook her a meal. Just listen to her vent.

Only offer support that you are actually prepared to consistently provide, whatever that might be, don't do so out of guilt or pity or abstract obligation, that will not be sustainable.

To the extent that you can, build social networks that are not dependent upon this scene that is currently cancelling her. Find some older queer people's running club or a book club or something completely divorced from this shit. It will help you see your way over and above the tangled mess of the people doing the cancelling, and less alone in your resistance to it. I understand it is far harder to escape the blast radius of in a small city with a highly interwoven scene, but there are almost always other people out there who don't care about this shit and have a different perspective on life and treat people differently. And you can help build those kinds of social connections, too.

[redspacegirl]

UPP OC BACKSTORY AND STUFF TIME!!! (plus occasional doodles)

plenty of this is spitballing, so i haven't fully cemented anything. it's all a bunch of yapping, so I'll put a tldr at the bottom to explain it in simpler terms lol. anyways,,,

Oakley moved to Deadwood when she was about 12. Right before the beginning of her 7th grade year. I feel like she definitely went down the fnaf to ghost hunting pipeline. I don't even know if that's a real pipeline, but it was for me. So she basically knew all the terms and stuff.

from what i can tell, upp was just a bunch of kids that liked ghost hunting, though ive seen the idea of all the kids in upp having ghost themed powers, kinda like wiwis but not as,,, wiwi. ill talk more about it later.

Despite knowing a bit about ghost hunting, Oakley would never have done it before. She lived in a highly populated area, not too far from the coast and one of Prime's big cities (I'm thinking near new haven, but NH might not be on the coast). There weren't any super old buildings in bike-riding distance for Oakley to explore. Plus one big thing with ghost hunting is that you dont! go! alone! (i'm really really tempted to make a post on how will maybe did this and it lead to him falling off a cliff. idk). Anyways, she's very skeptical of the actual existence of ghosts. This is one of the times I'm pulling out of my own life for that. If you've ever watched Buzzfeed Unsolved, she's Shane. She does think ghost hunting is very cool, however. (it makes sense to me, as a person who is a skeptic irl)

As I said earlier, she moved right before the beginning of 7th grade. She moved with her mom to live with her nana. There's a couple reasons for this. 1) Ol' nana silvia was up there in age, her mom wanted to keep an eye on her an all that. 2) If you can imagine, rent prices right outside of New Haven are expensive as fuck. And nothing beats the 2 acre backyard that Oakley's mother, Mae, grew up with. Like,,, sure the place was a little freaky, but that's most old places anyways.

So they move. Oakley is lowkey highkey pissed about the move. She understands, mostly, but she *really* doesn't want to move, obviously. Aside from the fact that she'd be leaving her friends behind, she's been on plenty of trips to Deadwood. That place is freaky. Mae convinces her that it's not really that bad, the house is old, it just needs some renovating.

obviously thats not the case. oakley continues being pretty much oblivious to the ghosts, blaming it on some weird noises or something until she finally comes face to face with one.

for my ideas on the whole ghost sight stuff. I like the idea that being able to see ghosts, even a little bit, is somewhat common in Deadwood. an idea i thought was funny is that Oakley could just,,, hear the ghosts *really* well. hence why she can be such a skeptic while everyone else is like "WHAT THE FUCK IS THTATTTTTT". otherwise, her being a ghost beacon would be really funny. like she walks in a room and the ghosts in said room are able to interact with people/objects or talk more. finally, she could just have normal sight idk.

Around the current point in PD, she's just graduated high school. I think she ended up staying in town for one reason or another. I have a few ideas. I think by the time she graduated, she still didn't fully know what she wanted to do, hence why she stayed home. She's currently 19 ish, taking college courses online while she keeps and eye on her mother and the nearby ghosts. She probably still hangs around the upp who stayed around. Probably will come up with more stuff in the future.

OTHER STUFF: -She skateboards, though Deadwood is a lot of gravel roads, so it's kind of difficult -draws a bunch. if you didn't see my other post about her, she draws on her pants and whatnot. -she paints her nails on occasion before forgetting about them and letting them chip before she repaints them months later -she was that kid that always said "im leaving this town right after i graduate." (me core) -indecisive as hell -can be pretty sarcastic, to the point it gets annoying sometimes. she tones it down as she gets older.

TLDR: Girl with ghost sight moves to live with her grandma in 7th grade, realizes she has some sort of ghost sight, shenanigans ensue.

[khaire-traveler]

How are ya doing mate?

This ended up being kind of venty, so I put it behind a read more. The long and short of it is that I'm doing terribly and do not feel well. Thank you for caring to ask; it does mean a lot and makes me feel a little less alone. Take care, Nonny. 🧡

In all honesty, Nonny, I'm not doing well at all. I've had an incredibly hard week. I found out that I can't get any financial aid for college (I'm ineligible, apparently), I've been struggling immensely in finding a job, I'm trying to get a replacement for my birth certificate that USPS lost in the mail, I'm trying to prevent identity theft for my social security number that USPS also lost in the mail, and now I've found out that my dog is struggling with some pretty intense health issues and apparently all the responsibility for booking his appointments and giving him his eye drops falls on me I guess. Oh, and on top of my dog's health issues, I am also having issues that I haven't been able to address throughout any of this because I don't have a doctor and can't find one. I'm doing terribly. What's worse is that it feels like I'm mostly alone in this. I don't blame my friends for this, obviously, but all of them are too busy to talk these days, and my online friends are the only ones I'm close enough with to talk about these kinds of issues. The few friends I've made in this new state (US) aren't close enough for me to be able to talk about this stuff without it being super weird. The whole friend things has also been a huge issue: I am crushingly alone right now. I haven't gotten the chance to hang out with anyone one on one, and not having a job means in basically spending the entire day with only seeing my pets and my parents. Walking to see people isn't an option here, and driving to see people is also not an option due to gas prices. Idk, there's a lot to it.

Anyway, yeah, I'm doing pretty bad. I feel like shit, and I also feel entirely alone and a little bit like no one cares, although I logically know that people do care and are just busy with their own lives (which is obviously completely ok). I feel exhausted. I even got woken up by a call from the vet, asking if I was going to cancel some appointment they had me schedule for my dog. I have to schedule something else for him later as well. Life is hell, and I am burning in the lake of fire. ✨

[bestiadentro]

//

A lot of my slowness has to do with dealing with a lot of grief and guilt on top of that grief. Yes, I've been sick, but I've also been extremely depressed since my mom passed earlier this year and even beforehand because a lot of people I idolized and looked up to died too. Then my cat passed. Then the man I looked up to most in the whole world died. On top of always struggling for food and other things I'm just..

I'm tired. And I feel like I'll never be able to let this guilt surrounding my mom's passing go. I always feel like I ruined her life and that she would have been happier not having me. That and like.. I have no family anymore because my siblings are being assholes.. as always(I'll never be talking to my sister because I cannot forgive her for things she did while my mom was dying). Then I never even got any of my mom's ashes because of her ex boss/ex partner and abuser holding them hostage.

On top of it all I've just been so incredibly lonely IRL and online. I often feel like no one really wants to know me cause no one really talks to me. I've started feeling like I'll never been good enough to have super close friendships again. I haven't felt close to anyone besides my bf in so long. I care about my online friends but idk I always feel like people tolerate me. No one really talks. No one really tries to get to know me outside of my health issues either. No matter how much I'd like to avoid talking about how I am, to be honest. Like no one asks about my likes, my dislikes, shares theirs with me; I feel like no one has been excited to contact me about anything. And I'll be excited to tell other people things but then I decide not to because idk it feels like no one wants to hear me all the time. Like I always feel that way. That no one wants to hear me.

Everything is why I haven't been talking to people much. I always feel like such an eyesore and like no one could ever want me in any way(platonically). So I just end up shutting up. And God, I always feel so lonely to the point it's actually physically painful. I have no family to go to because they don't want me(and are scapegoating me/blaming me for my mom's death), I don't feel like I have any close friends and I feel like people just tolerate me until they find something better, and I'm so isolated and have been for years to the point literally nothing I used to love is enjoyable anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mind always being stuck living life this. Everything feels so empty and not enjoyable at all because all I have to do is the same exact things over and over and over every single day and the only people I have to talk to IRL are my abusive partners.

It's so hard to want to go on anymore. I spent so much time in bed now because everything feels so heavy on me I just can't bring myself to get out of bed most of the time. I often feel like there's no point in me waking up anymore. I feel like no one would even notice or miss me if I faded into nothing, but part of me also feels like that's better cause I don't want to bother anyone. Cause that's all I feel like I do.

I'll prob end up deleting this tbh cause I can't even talk about how I feel without feeling awful and guilty anymore. Like I feel like I don't have the right to complain. Because it's so hard not to believe I deserve all these things somehow.

[voxasks]

🫐idk how to do this so i'm just gonna yap i have no clue what my personality type is but one of my favorite characters that i mildly related to was an INTJ 4w5 so i just took that and ran with it. uhh idk if i'm an introvert or extrovert it just depends on my mental state ig. i've been kinda tweekin recently so i'm loud in public like this dude one time caught me saying some of the most devious ahh shii known to man so i pointed at some random dude and blamed bro for saying it and then i sang the my little pony theme song but like 4 octaves higher. my friends hate me i also have no morals whatsoever so i'm cooked. the only reason why i'm not some bonkers dude on a documentary is because i'm a pathetic loser who doesn't actually go through with anything, i just lose interest or go 'nah this is way too much work' i'm a dude and 4'10" (idk lowkey my fault for not taking nutrition supplements when my doctor told me to) and idk what i like because i just have a hyperfixation and then i go batshit over it for several months (my longest hyperfixation was on a character for a year and i spent like 5k on merch of that character and now i highkey hate waking up to see the character's face literally everywhere) i dislike greasy foods with a burning passion, animals of all types (including insects) but actually i highkey used to like sharks but then they got popular online and agreeing with people on tiktok brings me physical pain. oh yeah i also dislike a lot of people online if they disagree with my opinion but depends on my mood because if i'm feeling mildly upset then i spam them with replies and tell them i love them and for them to have a good day but in the most toxic positive way possible and if i'm having a happy day then i do the same thing but i also slander everything i know about them for hobbies i love getting attention, positive or negative like honestly it's so fun. i go on social media a lot i'm pretty much just terminally online except i don't keep up w/ gossip majority of the time because i have no clue who celebrities are. oh yeah i love getting concern i never follow their advice or whatever all i do is make a joke about how pathetic my existence is and they rather don't care or they show concern and either way i get pissed so maybe i should stop with that lmao tbh whenever i read through the things i write i literally sound like those 'quirky >w<' 2020 gacha life ocs i feel like everyone with an ounce of humanity would realize i'm straight up embarrassing anyways ily have a good day!! take care of yourself :3333

“yeah  i'm  gonna  be  real  fucking  honest  with  you  kid—halfway  through  your  life  story  i  genuinely  forgot  i  was  looking  through  my  inbox  and  thought  i  was  reading  an  article  on  a  serial  killer.  you  say  you  don't  have  morals  but  then  you  draw  the  line  at  greasy  foods  and  tiktok?  i  mean  alright  sure  but  then  you  go  on  to  bully  other  people  on  the  internet  over  a  bad  mood?  i'd  say  get  a  life  but  i'm  pretty  sure  if  you  tried  you  would  have  dropped  yourself  on  the  head  like  you  were  as  a  kid.  you  sound  like  someone  who  has  over  ten  restraining  orders  filed  against  them  and  they  still  have  no  clue  as  to  why.  well  fuck  that's  ten  minutes  of  my  time  i'm  never  taking  back—you  have  me  mourning  over  lost  time  when  i'm  a demon  in  literal  fucking  hell,  congrats.  let  me  guess,  you'll  probably  celebrate  by  being   a  keyboard  warrior  in  the  comments  of  this  post,  like  if  junko  enoshima  was  online.  yeah,  that's  the  energy  this  is  giving.” 

based off of the 200 follower event.

“🫐 — tell vox about yourself and he’ll give you his inner thoughts about you.”

[leopardom]

i thought i wouldn't end up making one of those sappy posts before the end of 2023 but here we are i guess

what i wanna say in advance is a huge thank you, and that i'm sorry

this year has been a nightmare for me and i can't stress that word enough. i won't get into details, if you follow me you may have seen some occassional rant posts. long story short though, i'm ending 2023 being mentally exhausted af and even though i'm not in my most optimistic mood, i hope 2024 will not as shitty as 2023

as of my tumblr presence, there have been some changes. i jumped from one fandom to another without completely leaving the bc fandom. i'm just not that much in the mood anymore. maybe this will change once the new album is out? we'll see 👀 and jumping to another fandom means that i lost contact with so many people from the bc fandom. i promise you i didn't do this on purpose and i don't hate or stopped liking any of you. it just... things got weird and a bit too much in my head and now idk how to keep contact without looking extremely weird in this fandom

anyway! entering another fandom has been weird not only in means of interests but also in means of communication. ever since i remember my tumblr activity in any fandom, i always tried to interact as much as possible with other accounts and talk with people, whether that was via posts or messages. in the jo fandom i feel like i have kinda failed that

i'm aware that i post a lot and i'm probably everywhere with the content updates and the gifs. and that may be annoying to some people. and i understand it, i don't like it but i understand it and i wanna apologise for being... all over the place yet not really reaching out to anyone in the fandom or building any kind of online friendship

idk if there's an accurate explanation for the way i feel about this so i'll put it in the best words possible: i wanna make jokes and have fun in here and exchange random messages or mentions in posts and talk shit or not about jo etc, but i feel like my social anxiety (both online and offline) has passed any limit i had put to it until now that i end up thinking it's actually wrong to interact with anyone in this fandom. because everyone has already connected with some people and have built a specific line of interests and you all seem so fucking cool for someone who is as insecure and scared to talk as me so i end up hiding behind my gifs, shitposts and content updates in hopes that people will like me or at least aknowledge i exist in this fandom. and again, that's all on me, there's no one to blame for this behaviour but me and my fucked up mind (which got even more fucked up in the past year). so idk, i feel like i wanna apologise for this, for being like that

however, no matter the anxiety, i must admit that the jo tumblr fandom was actually my escape when things in real life got bad bad. i've spent hours scrolling through the jo and kaarija hashtags in hopes of seeing something unhinged and funny to lift my mood and you know what? i found something every single time. and that was more than nice. if it wasn't for all of you being as funny and crazy (in a positive way) as you are, i'd feel even worse. but every time i open the jo hashtag there's someone posting a wholesome thing or saying something unhinged like how many ways has Kris listed to kill Bojan in his sleep lmao

anyway i ended up writing a lot, this could easily be an entry to the journal that i don't keep but maybe should start keeping. if you read until this point, congratulations for going through all this ramble and i'm sorry

hope 2024 is gonna be a lot different than 2023 but in a good way this time. and i hope i get better and actually get to interact more with all of you great people 💕 and obviously i hope you all have a fantastic year ahead of you 💖

[keeweelyme]

I’m curious abt your thoughts on the phobia bosses if you don’t mind. i always interpreted them with their kinda sexualized monster girl designs as reflecting oersted and/or streibough’s kinda misogynistic views towards alethea where they put her on a pedestal but are also incredibly ready to turn on her and see her as a monster if she chooses not to love them or fails them in some way. I’m not sure if I can say it’s intentionally written like that, since the game is from 1994 and is sometimes pretty misogynistic itself in how it handles alethea, but that’s kinda how I think abt it. I’m interested in hearing your take :0

(also I love your art and it always absolutely makes my day whenever I see it!!)

i'm glad you brought this up because like a lot of people just don't think about this in regards to the BLATANT hints that streibough was actively gaslighting and lying to alethea while she was still hostage lmao. people blame her for whatever was strei's fault though so im not surprised

but also i really don't think a lot of people process WHAT exactly the phobias are named except for gyno for obvious reasons, that being acrophobia and claustrophobia are Here Too, and the fact that gyno was renamed hygrophobia in the remake's eng ver, note that while this gets a bit into hc territory i kind of think about lal too much to really not get into that a bit, and also for like 5 years i was the only one who thought about these girls more than people who jack off to them

the archon's roost is very blatantly meant to be a mountainous region full of dark corridors and tight spaces. this is probably the most obvious thing the phobias are meant to be, a glimpse into oersted's current mental state about his surroundings. he's terrified of what's around him, and that includes alethea up ahead. however before the remake came out the common consensus was that he was afraid of what alethea would think of him in the current state he was in, or that by the time he found her she'd have turn into something else, or that she would reject him. i do think this is the baseline. oersted's grappling with this growing paranoia and resentment in his heart for the things around him out of fear and anxiety. i think there's just a part of him that knows deep down that she's his last hope against both their wills, and everyone he knows has turned against him already, so why not her too?

however on this note i have basically never heard anyone else online mention how hydrophobia has been used as a shorthand for rabies (stay with me here), aka The Disease That Makes Your Brain Shut Down, causes aggression in animals, causes delirium and hallucination, etc. i know i'm reading too hard into a localization change but i personally saw this as a hint that oersted was starting to lose it before he snapped completely. beyond the paranoia his survival instincts were starting to kick in, hell maybe the phobias are in fact just hallucinations caused by him being unable to rest ever since he was thrown in jail and on the run constantly. maybe the lord of dark was beginning to manifest inside him the moment he stepped into the roost to begin with. maybe he's beginning to blame alethea for his circumstances and knows if she's alive, he'll have to drag her back regardless of her wishes. maybe he's trying to claw his way back to his normal life without realizing he's too far gone. who knows

this one is my biggest reach but execution via falling, drowning, and crushing are some of the oldest forms of killing someone in history. i feel like the most charitable in oersted's favor interpretation is the sinking realization and fear that he's about to die, be it at the hands of lucrece's citizens, at the lord of dark's hands, or at his own if he doesn't find alethea in one piece.

idk this was a bit of word vomit but i feel like people just overall boil this segment of the medieval chapter down to how sexy gyno is, or that they're just monsters like the rest of the chapter, when the medieval chapter + final chapter has a lot of symbolism (a lot of it i will admit accidental) regarding this stuff. msot of it admittedly in my own head but thats why im lalfan bunchofnumbers babyyy

[golbrocklovely]

Random question,

Were you homeschooled? If you were, I have literally no socialization when it comes to people besides family. My mental health is rotting, I'm extremely emotionally sensitive, and I feel I really need friends, like it just feels like it would help alot.

What do you think?

i was only homeschooled for 8th grade, but i do get the sentiment of not knowing how to make friends. i used to have a big friend group that i've since lost bc back in 2020 my best friend of 10 years (and basically my life line to that group) decided she didn't want to be friends with me anymore bc her life was too stressful and she figured she was a shit friend anyway so she should cut me loose (along with a mirade of other things that went on that she blamed it on). so, i haven't had a core group of friends in a long time and i struggle to connect with ppl.

i will say, your best bet - at least at first - is to try to make friends online based on things/fandoms you are a part of. i have my couple friends on here, and even tho we almost exclusively talk about snc related shit, i still count them as my closest friends. and it's nice to be able to talk to them about that stuff.

and as for in real life stuff you can do to make friends, idk how old you are, but try to see if there are any local groups or events you can join in your area. see if there is a book group at your local library, see if there are any classes at a community center you can take. hell, even getting a job where some of the ppl in that place are the same age as you is good starting point as well. when you are in forced proximity with ppl, you tend to befriend others more often. that's why a lot of us were even able to have friends in school.

try to go into everything with an open mind. and genuinely remember that 99% of ppl are a, in the same boat as you (confused and don't know what to do next) and b, aren't trying to hurt your feelings. most ppl are nice. of course there are assholes, but try not to let ppl like that bring you down. and gentle reminder, you most likely are not as awkward as you feel. and i know that from personal experience lol

also, my biggest recommendation is working on yourself as well and learning to become your own best friend. i know that's very cliche and silly to say, but highkey one of the best choices i ever made was learning to cut myself some slack and start being nice to myself. if you can afford it, consider therapy. but i know that's not always an option for ppl (even myself). try to do some introspection on who you are, the obstacles you've gone thru and overcame, and do your best to be nice to yourself. i'm telling you, when you start to actually like yourself and give yourself a break, especially on the things you had no control over in the first place, life starts to feel a lot less harder to deal with.

even if your first step is to start reading self help books - do that. write out your feelings more, explore why you act the way you do and if that's something you want to change. set goals that are reasonable, put pride into yourself. treat yourself like you would someone you are friends with. think of yourself as someone worthy of love, bc you are.

but let it be known that this will not happen overnight. i wish it did, but it took me YEARS, i truly mean years, to finally start liking myself and having any resemblance of confidence. it will not happen in one go. you have to be consistent and constantly working on yourself. and i know that can be difficult. but in the long run it will do wonders for yourself.

i wish i had all the answers for you, and i wish i knew the best course for you to take. and i wish you all the luck in the world. i truly believe you will make friends and start a great path on your mental health journey. it won't be easy, and it will take a lot of time, but it's worth it bc you deserve that. you deserve happiness <3

[thisdreamplace]

Hi Dream 💞💞 how are you?

I want to get something off my chest. There's this SP that I've been having the typical experience with, you know, hot and cold behavior. Since last year my approach to the law has been a bit similar to yours, allowing things into being, letting go, living and loving life hehe. But my romantic relationships and my self concept in romantic relationships is still somehow... chaotic? A mess? I isolated myself from any potential romantic interest for over a year thinking that being alone was going to be the solution. I then met this guy, let's call him B. B and I met online, I was not really interested in him but eventually I started having fun with him and our chats were cool. I was enjoying who I was with him and I was very chill tbh. Then B started being too busy to chat with me (this has been a pattern, that I have experienced even in friendships) and I started freaking out and chasing him. B slowly started fading away and then it became a cycle of him texting me whenever he was not busy, and basically giving me breadcrumbs, and I was down so bad that I got addicted to this.

Now I'm bored of this dynamic, and also bored of B and don't have any energy left. I decided I seriously need to focus on my self love because I clearly haven't been giving myself enough. I want to move on from him, but I don't want to hold the image of me being his victim, idk if you know what I mean? I was conscious all the time, and I knew what was happening, and I allowed it. I am a victim of myself. I don't want to hold him responsible? Or to hold judgements of him? Yk to keep him in my memory as the asshole B hahah. But also, he kinda was an asshole. But somehow seeing him like an asshole consequently makes me feel like his victim and it keeps me attached to this narrative of "oh he damaged me". I don't know if you understand me HAHAHA. But I also feel resistance towards seeing him like an angel boy lmao. Do I believe he has potential to be an angel boy? Sure, everyone can change, but at the same time, I do feel victimized if I'm fully honest with myself. I do feel like a part of me knows I am fully responsible for myself, and there's no point in blaming anyone but it also feels very easy to blame it all on him and hate him, but then again, I don't want to hate or judge.

Thank you for this blog, it has been a source of support and guidance for me...

hello lovely !! <3 i am doing very well, whenever spring is in the air, i feel so in love ! :)))) how are you ?

that bit about isolating yourself bc u thought it was the solution. so relatable, lmao. thank you for sharing all of this !

i totally understand everything you are saying, as for the past couple years since knowing the law i also felt that way. i refused to hold anyone accountable for anything, because i felt like it was my responsibility to take as, just like you said, i was fully conscious and am a victim of myself. but tbh, this only made things harder and didnt stop people from doing what they wanted. when i started to accept the pain i felt, the way i saw them (they did this to me, and yeah it hurt and im upset, etc etc), i actually started being able to move on and stop harbouring resentments. (bc telling myself i should take responsbility for them only created resentment, bc it wasnt true to how i rly felt inside of my heart) this isn't so much about blame but staying true to yourself. let yourself have that moment to fully digest and feel the way your experience with him has been. bc then you will feel much more free to move into love and nonjudgment and ultimately freedom... rather than trying to force yourself into it now, because you know its what you "should" do. i hope this is helpful <3

i'm so thankful that my blog has been helpful for you, thank you for sharing that :') xo

[weiszklee]

"ugh will i ever learn to check op blogs?"

IDK to me it's been pretty obvious since this whole thing started that liberal zionists have been using supposedly leftist criticisms of leftism to deflect from criticism of Israel. I think some of them noticed that the usual excuses for Israel aren't working (right to defend itself, right to a nation state, you're not allowed to comment unless you're Jewish or Palestinian, etc.) so they've started parroting new talking points: the left is a radicalized death cult without any real goals other than being radical and also leftists are particularly antisemitic and have been "allowed" to get away with it because they present themselves as inherently progressive. And it draws in otherwise anti-zionist people because plenty of us are frustrated with leftists who do indeed see it as more of a dick-measuring contest about who's more radical and some of them do use their leftism as an excuse to be openly bigoted (I've personally noticed a lot of ableism from people like that). So you might think they're making a well-meaning critique as someone who does want to support leftist goals, but if you notice the particular way they phrase things, it becomes clear that's not the case.

Not to dive too deep into leftist infighting or whatever, but you might notice that critiques that come from the left will specify which leftists they're talking about (marxist-leninists, maoists, anarchists and sho on), even if it's just a catch-all pejorative like "tankies". Hell, I've seen non-leftists who do support some leftist goals take care to specify they have a problem with online leftists or twitter leftists or whoever. But zionists will consistently blame leftists in general, which is already a clue as to whether they consider leftists an actual ingroup or not. And on top of that, they do it in the most incendiary way possible!Like yeah man, I'm sure people will listen to you when you call them a death cult. If they push back, that's just more proof they're a cult! This is clearly a good faith critique, nothing to see here! Never mind the fact that the same people who were making these "good faith" critiques are now frothing at the mouth over the student protests (genuinely saw this happen with sprinkledsalt or whatever her name is. the one with the patrick star pfp)

So IDK maybe I'm just very hypervigilant and jump at the slightest off-phrasing but I do prefer this to accidentally nodding along to genocidal lunatics. Obviously, I do actually look deeper into a suspicious-seeming person's blog too, I don't base my judgement off one post. But yeah, if you too wish to be a bit more vigilant, those are some tells you can look for. Oh also, you can look into the notes and see who's roaming around there; the post that prompted all this has a bunch of conservatives and libertarians circlejerking about how much more rational they are. Other posts will have more obvious zionists who probably mention hamas unprompted. You might not be able to catch it 100% of the time, I know I've missed a few who avoided the pitfalls I mentioned before, but it's a start. If you actually want to, obv.

These are good points yeah, and I probably was in an unusually non-vigilant mood for this particular post, but I think at the end of the day there might be a genuine difference in how you and me strive to interact with others. Like, I do kinda love giving people the benefit of the doubt and giving them second and third chances and ... I don't really want to stop doing that. This has had some not so great real life consequences for me even, but overall I consider it a net-positive.

Along the other good genuine criticisms one can have of a lot of leftists which you mention, this is another big one especially online: Everyone is always at each others' throats and looking for the least charitable interpretation of anything someone else said. This is the kernel of truth that the stupid complaint of "cancel culture" is pointing towards. This just isn't a way to conduct productive conversations. Sometimes you have to say things the stupid and wrong way so that you can work together with your conversational partner to arrive at the non-stupid version of your point. Otherwise you might just never get there at all.

Of course, this only works when you're actually on the same side with someone. It will always fail with people who are actually one's opponents, but that's okay. I'd rather occasionally nod along with a genocidal lunatic who is good with words than wrongly accuse someone on my side who is not good with words of being a genocidal lunatic.

But, again, in the specific post we are talking about, it wasn't that well hidden and even I could have caught it, absolutely.

[glowzoul]

i think i like leaving things alone better when i can tell myself they're final and out of my hands now. melodrama ramble below the cut dni about it i just wanna vent.

I don't wanna make up i don't wanna wonder and worry again in an understanding in which only i've got something to lose. Sitting here staring at a screen for days waiting and hoping for a change to something proven and communicated to be unobtainable just because of a questionable choice of wording when affirming my suspicion about your inability. Compounding growing fears inside lulls of silence, grappling with a reality where again i'm not much more than an emotionally safe occasional entertainment easily paused and restarted, flawed with inescapable doubts trying too hard to protect your feelings. Tormenting myself questioning the authenticity of those doubts and if they're self serving more than considerate. Is it abandonment when i cut you off so you can do anything without guilt or shame, and i can accept things and move on. is it selfish to not let you be a part of my life to avoid a failure to stay emotionally unattached. Am i lying to you if i avoid the topic. Do i really care about you in this, or am i just cowardly to want to avoid getting hurt and having no one to blame but myself, because you made me understand that you feel no obligations of loyalty naturally and will not be comfortable with conditions i can hold you to and trust you with.

This is bad for me, i'm starting to dissolve the progress i've made again, i was starting to eat again and go for walks every day and talk to people and studying medicine through online courses, it felt fake because i was doing it to work through things, and i'm not normal i didn't have the urge to do these things naturally and was just trying to mimic what normal people do in an attempt to feel better since it works for them. But it felt good to know i was at least trying, that even though it wasn't working that well, i could say i tried. And its slowing down now because we're replaying this game again. I'm doing it to myself and i don't blame you but i can't stop it, and the undeniable cause is my failure to balance an interest in you with my own well-being. as if saying "i'm already compromising my own safety emotionally just talking to you again so who cares about anything else if i'm going to self destruct like that anyway".

so idk how to do this but the brain worms are setting in. I can't stop thinking you're only talking to me again because you're bored or lonely, and now that i responded, again, you're satisfied and content and i have to wrestle with this, alone.

idk if i even wanna post this cuz im 99% sure you have my tumblr. but fuck it i need to vent anyway. hold it together hold it together holdit tnbogether looking like pic related the whole time staring at our dm screen fun fun ufdunlfun funf

[softlittleheartsandsparkles]

Hi sae. So, i thought i'd ask ur opinion. i recently made a new friend. We both like anime. She's also an age regressor, i am not. At first I didn't mind, she told me about it and how it helps her cope, and when I said thats fine, but i'm not into, she dropped it for awhile. But now she keeps insisting i'm probably an agere too. she does things like point to animes or characters i like and say those are canon agere characters and if I like them, it means i am too... idk how to tell her to stop.

Oh geez. =( thats hard. For me, I think it would be important to sit down and talk to her about it. If she's a real life local friend, I'd say try to talk about it in real life, face to face. If she's an online friend, then online is okay to do too. But just be careful, cause I know online sometimes things don't translate well. (If you have other online friends, ones that are good with communication. I'd suggest bouncing something off them.) I'd suggest staying away from "You" statements -> : "When you say my fav character from xyz show is age regressor, it makes me feel *emotion* because of..." This makes most people defensive because it can sound like they are being blamed & your emotions are a consequence to their actions. The effect might be not as pleasant & They could feel really defensive. Try more so "I" statements: "When I hear this character I love is agere, it makes me feel *emotion*.... I don't like feeling these emotions towards these characters & more importantly you, as your my friend." <- something like this. The point with saying "I" is your being open about you feelings. The person your speaking to is more likely also to see the goal, and want to help lessen(lower) those feelings. So in a request it should be better. ^-^;' I'd suggest too repeating the age regression topic is something that feels prickly and uncomfortable for you. & you understand they do it for calming/coping purposes and you don't want to judge them for it, however its not something you wanna be included into. Its not good your friend is pushing a topic you've already declined to explore. But yeah, I'd suggest talking to your friend. See if it helps.

[violetren]

Aether Chapter 26

My "I'm gonna be annoyed at Sierra" senses are tingling.

At least Maggie got a cute peck on the cheek from Varsha first.

Revenge? REVENGE!? EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU!? THE AUDACITY! THE ENTITLEMENT!

I have a mighty need for Maggie to give Chance the nod to get Eurion to punch Stupidhead.

Fucking revenge... I was right. I am annoyed at Sierra.

At this point I could probably write a fucking essay on why it's not just reasonable but healthy and better in just about every fucking way that Maggie chose Varsha over Sierra. It's probably get to like paragraph 8 before it even touched on the fact that Sierra is in a highly unstable trauma induced transitory period of her life and should not be trying to date anyone. Fucking hell. I think at this point I'm closer to thinking of her the way Maggie would think of Garrett (not wanting to be too mean because she's someone Maggie loves, and therefore giving her more credit that she's fucking due).

"She lets me be selfish" is a very interesting way of "she reminds me I have choices and encourages me to do what will be right for me and doesn't try to push me into making decisions that would suit her" but you know what basically everyone who ever puts on a supersuit and means it has this kind of thinking when it comes to letting themselves be happy so I can't even pretend to be surprised, or exasperated over it.

I live in desperate hope that Maggie will be the straw that breaks the camels back and gets Ashley to just fucking talk to Hannah already.

I kinda wonder if Maggie actually needed the heads up about Chance's pronouns. I mean... I guess a big part of Digilife is being someone else, but Chance could put their pronouns there or let slip to Maggie as they got closer online. Idk. Still nice of Ashley to give the heads up even though they're technically already friends since this is kind of a paradigm shit for them.

I'm gonna blame this on playing Synth Riders with some suprise custom songs earlier this evening, but probable hologram Change was just spotted talking to Fractal and a little gremlin voice went "oh Hatsune Miku style" followed by another thought slipping in like a wizened elder gremlin smacking the other with a stick to go "Like the Voyager EMH you heathen." Wild experience since both are pretty well valid comparisons but the important part is actually CHANCE CAN VISUALLY MANIFEST INDEPENDENTLY OF NAOMI AND TALK WITHOUT EVERYONE FEELING LIKE THEY ARE ON A PHONE CALL!

I love this for them.

It is of great comfort to me that Jia Li is consistently a flirty shit stirrer and genuinely hilarious that Eurion stands there grumping over the fact that Jia Li gets away with it when she doesn't.

There is so much good banter (and general dialogue and a decent bit of description) here that is doing a fantastic job of drawing relationship lines, (re)establishing character personalities, and showing how these people fit in a space that I cannot possibly gush over all of it and get to bed in time to be up for work in the morning. But I did want to say it was all awesome and I was delighted to finally see Maggie meet not just Chance, but Naomi, Anika, Jia Li, and Emilia. And she even managed to be so distracted as to not immediately have a gay meltdown over Emilia! Good on her!

Maggie is about to have a VERY full schedule, but she's going to have EXCELLENT company. Also the potential variety of "hot for teacher" jokes that I might get to make (if in world characters don't make them first) as she trains with Varsha is great.

It's very secondary to wanting to see Maggie become a competent ass kicker and kiss Varsha some more, but I think it would be cool af to see Hannah stop by for some of these training sessions and just be cool with Chance and Naomi (both much more open and out about their trans/nontraditional gender status) and just blow that "what if she isn't accepting" fear of Ashley's right out of the water in text.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, I need to tell someone this, because it is in the middle of the night and everyone is sleeping.

I was writing with a man, for the last days, very intensely. Not in a romantic way, he is planning to move into my country, so we started with language practises and also argued about politics etc. He's 27 and I am 23. I live in a country which is not so hard on age gaps (compared to some comments I see from Americans) but I kinda didn't like that in the beginning. I feel very young, I have some issues with dissociations and maybe even DID so, maybe it comes from that. I often forget my age and think I am younger and when I am among peers, I feel misplaced. When I visited a highschool, because a friend needed to pick something up, and I was standing there during a break and watching the students, I thought "That's where I belong". Idk but maybe just everyone in their early 20s feels like that. I just didn't like the age gap, because I don't feel like a finished adult, but someone with 27 does. But we harmonised fairly good and it was fun writing with him. I was always surprised by how educated he was, and how many degrees he already has. And tbh (and that's were I might need help) I always quickly take someone into my heart. I am always very loyal and open. I know that such online relationships (in my experience) always end, at some point. But at least, it wasn't, because I didn't give it all. And I always think "It's no big deal, I am used to disappointments, and it is worth it, for me" but today for the first time I had the feeling, that it was something bad, that did more harm than good to myself. And that I should be more reserved. But tbh, I just need validation from others, maybe that's also a reason.

Okay, whatever, we argued about politics, and he knows a lot about my countries politics and argued a lot about it. And while I agreed with most of it, at some point I was just fed up, to read, how he always finds another flaw in the politicians, the government etc. I tried to lead him to another topic, which didn't work, so I said crystal clear "Done with the political arguments all the time, give me a break".

He didn't take it good and... idk if I overreact, I just hate angry people, because of my background, but he blamed me for being too sensitive, he can talk bad about his own countries politics 24/7 too etc. And that wormed me, because I think it was unfair.

He was also always very reserved about his private life, and never told anything, and when I told him that that's odd, he said "Well, first, I am actually 34, I just lied on my profile, to get recommended to a higher span of people, to learn the language."

And that really hurt me. Because you can restrict, of what ages people can start writing with you. And, with my traumatic background, I absolutely love this. And when I see someone, who states, he's 22, to get around the restrictions and in his bio he says "I am actually 34, lol" I report them. Bonus points, if all of their friends are 16 y.o. girls.

And I really really feel uncomfortable. I was childish, I made some young people/social media references and memes that were absolutely cringe, but I felt safe, because I assumed, there was someone with a, more or less, similar background on the other side.

And now I feel very hurt and ashamed, for being so childish. And I think I'll tell him, that I don't feel comfortable continuing our conversation, in the light of this new news.

I just needed to write this down, to see, if that is reasonable, or if I am just angry because he called me sensitive.

I hope you come to the same conclusion and don't judge me.

Have a nice day.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what happened. Please know that you are not childish for this and it's not your fault.

It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions and thoughts about this situation. It's understandable to feel hurt and uncomfortable after finding out that someone you've been talking to online has lied about their age. It's also understandable to feel conflicted about the age gap between you two, given your own feelings of youth and uncertainty about adulthood.

I just want to say that it's okay to set a boundary not to discuss politics, but I can understand that shutting him down in the moment may have set him off and made him call you sensitive, although his response was not okay. While it's okay to just say that you're done with the conversation and to give you a break, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you could say something like "I know you feel very passionately about this and I respect that, but I need to step away from this conversation or change subject as it's starting to stress me out." Remember that you don't deserve to put up with someone who cannot respect your boundaries, even when it comes to discussion topics.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for other people's actions or decisions. It's also important to prioritize your own feelings and boundaries in any relationship, whether it's online or in person. If you don't feel comfortable continuing the conversation with this person, it's okay to say so and set a boundary for yourself.

It may also be helpful to talk to someone you trust about your feelings and experiences in this situation, such as a friend, family member, or therapist. They can provide a supportive space for you to process your thoughts and emotions, and help you navigate any difficult decisions or conversations.

If you're feeling hurt and uncomfortable in this situation, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and do what you think is best for yourself. You deserve to be treated with honesty and respect, and it's important to surround yourself with people who prioritize those values as well.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[loveandscience]

childhood trauma stuff, reducing stigma and all that i guess

didn't want to put it in the tags of that last post bc op and such may not want to see that kind of stuff

but dang i did so much stuff online that was unhealthy and risky as a child in middle and high school. Teaching internet safety to kids is so important to me, I wouldn't want them to do the things I did.

But like, at least by 13 I was talking to adult men online and being very sexual with them. Mostly strangers, but one of them was this teacher I'd had at a computer camp that I started talking to online and had a crush on, and like, at 13 I had no understanding of why that was so inappropriate and damaging to me to be acting on that. I even convinced my mom to go to a store to meet up with him in person, while we were "dating."

My risky behaviors didn't just come out of nowhere. I couldn't manage to tell anyone about this next part until I was an adult, not even my therapist as a teenager-- I didn't think anyone would care, and I was too embarrassed, but not talking about it prevented me from getting help and it made me more vulnerable to being abused by others. Secrecy enables predators, and so the more we bring this uncomfortable stuff to light, the more we can protect each other from them.

But throughout pre-school, daily, I was sa'd by another child, and supposedly no one knew. One of the common symptoms from being sa'd is being hypersexual, but I don't think the adults around me knew that or if they did, didn't notice my behavior. I was also discouraged from talking about my body throughout life. Like, even when I was older and had a period for the first time, my mom just gave me the box of pads, asked if i knew how to use them (i lied and said yes because of the shame that'd been instilled) and that was it.

idk like, even with the metoo movement and the inches society is making toward de-stigmatizing victims talking about their own experiences, it's still hard to talk about it, which kinda means i should get more comfortable talking about it in a healthy way in order to reduce that shame.

Having worked through that trauma, I take all reasonable measures to protect my own kid from ever going through that while careful not to instill an anxiety in her about how she goes through life. Educating her so she knows about her own body and that she can talk about whatever, no topic being off-limits. Educating her about online safety as she starts to interact with people she doesn't know online in slightly less restricted environments. I make sure to check out the environments she'll be in-- my pre-school where I was assaulted had chaotic bathrooms, where there were a few stalls and teachers didn't supervise very well. So this boy was able to force me into a stall every day, and teachers either did not notice (like there were only 3 or 4 stalls, idk why) or didn't think it was a problem). Ugh, and my parents would leave me at his house or have him over on weekends, because they thought we were such good friends. So, when looking for schools, it was always an important thing that they had single person bathrooms where only one kid would be allowed in at a time. And I have to know adults well enough to be able to trust them to be alone with her.

It actually wasn't until I was choosing a pre-school for her that I told anyone what had happened to me. The family kept pressuring me to choose the same pre-school they'd sent me to, and I was like No, I am Not sending her there, imagine how guilty I'd feel sending her to the same place if the same thing that happened to me happened to her? No way. It hadn't even seemed that different, when I visited it again around that time.

Tbh, I don't blame the kid who harmed me; what he did was very likely a result of him having been assaulted, and passing that behavior on because he didn't know it was ok. Like, we were 4 or 5, I don't expect that level of understanding for a child that young. I do think the teachers I had were incredibly irresponsible and put that more on them, than anyone.