#idek why all my friends health problems have been fixed by one?

[selfundiagnosed]

why is it mean for someone to tell you you should get help? you're obviously in a lot of distress and should see someone about it for your own mental health...these 'patterns' you're leaning into are only exarcerbating your mental condition. but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative

to insinuate that a.) i dont know about my own mental state & wellbeing and you need to “tell me” because the psychosis makes it so i cant notice how it affects how i function every single day of my life b.) i need to delete my socials because of what someone else did to me to put me in this state c.) you somehow have any idea whats going on in my life, if im being treated, what symptoms im experiencing, that I legitimately cant tell ~whats real~ d.) noticing patterns doesnt mean im going off the deep rail LMFAO is all the stupidest shit ever.

for future reference, how you and the other anon are approaching someone you perceive as experiencing active psychosis is going to put people in active psychosis in danger to themselves. its funny to see random anons tell me what im experiencing and what i need to do about it to fix it when its evident from how this was approached you don’t actually care about me you just want to make yourselves feel like youre above me for whatever reason. “but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative” and “Deactivate your TikTok, delete the app and go see a psychologist” are sooo condescending. yeah deleting an app is absolutely gonna fix this problem. a diagnosis ive had since i was 15. stupid shits idek what to say like are you both actual tiktok teenagers who think they know everything about everything because get off my blog you suck so bad lmaooo sooo condescending. Im completely capable of making my own decisions im 22 lol i dont need tumblr anons i cant see telling me to do shit im doing already. i have a psychiatrist. ive been seeing him for years. i have a therapist. i saw her after my psychosis got retriggered. i know i am sick! i literally cant leave my house! when i do… i freak the fuck out! for HOURS !!! my family and friends all know how deeply this affects me and i promise you none of them have said this shit to me the way you and the “other anon” did. i stopped socializing, i havent made any new friends, i cant trust the people i do know im not close to anymore. i promise you i know WAYYY more than you about how it impacts me way more than you. my socials are the one open window i didnt put curtains on. i completely control what you all are able to see theough leaving this tiny window unclothed for the internet to look into my life. i dont need random people to see my jokes on my blog about my delusions and tell me its a delusion like im being very tongue in cheek about all of my delusional posts. i absolutely believe them but im making fun of myself for how crazy i sound.

i really have not a clue why youd think this is an appropriate way to approach it but it leads me to believe youre a tiktok user who probably thought the dude that manipulated his way into a famous persons house while she was manic was a Good Idea because clearly she wouldnt get help. lmfao its bad in so many facets. imagine if i was fully and completely immersed in my paranoia and delusions of being a targeted individual (which is the root of everything im experiencing right now): ask yourself how would you feel YOU felt targeted by a higher entity and now random anonymous people are telling you what you’re experiencing and how youre treated everyday isnt real and youre crazy. like to us its so very real and no amount of rationalizing makes it better. i have only small interactions every once in a blue moon these days that makes me think i could be okay and that im not being targeted and then every single day multiple times a day its shown to me continuously. this included! you and the “other anon” should really reevaluate how you talk to people in severe mental crisis because this is like the exact opposite of how you should react to seeing someone delusion posting or whatever and it shows me you dont know a single loved one with who experiences this shit.

in the future, fucking look into how you approach someone struggling. if i wasnt as lucid in my psychosis or in touch with reality you genuinely could have put me in danger. im going to send you and anyone on my blog watching me like im a circus act off with this so you never put anyone in my position in a state of self harm. but if youre too lazy to click on the link im showing you anyways

[axolotl-druk]

So veterinaries ARE the core of civilization uh

[txdoroki]

rant lol

tw maybe? idk it's just me talking about my daddy issues as always so idk .. maybe tw for negative talk/anger? i dunno, i just wouldn't read anyways cuz it's just something i needed to get out lolll

no need to read once again.

also im sorry for always ranting here its like the one space i go to about my problems when stuff is overwhleming yk

il probably delete this in the morning idek

i wish my dad was someone i could look up to. i miss him being my best friend, and him calling me nicknames that were comforting. now it's like every conversation we're going against each other constantly, and every single time i see someone having fun with their dad it makes me so envious. what did i do to deserve my dad to be shitty? why do bad things always happen to me? what did i do to deserve my trust in everyone to be destroyed, what did i do for that. i wish i could apologize to my younger self, all she wanted was to have a good dad and a father figure that wasn't emotionally unavailable. she was so forgiving, so sweet. where did i go wrong. she was so kind to everyone, and believed that everyone had good in their hearts. i wish she still existed, i wish i wasn't the way i was. i wish she was proud of me, but i have the feeling she's weeping somewhere inside of me.

there's nothing i want more than to be able to forgive my dad. everyone tells me how important it is for me to have a good relatioship with him,, and how i'll always regret being this way. i can't help it. whenever i see him, i'm so fucking mad. i want to hurt him double to how he's hurt me. it's only right. i can't look at him and think "oh, he deserves a good life" all i see is someone who deserves all the pain he's been given. he destroyed my family, he destroyed my hope in the world, he destroyed everything. he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. but i want to so badly. i want to be able to look at him and think "that's my best friend, that's someone who is there for me" but i can't. i can't think that about someone who i would cry over every night for years straight. people say he was a good dad and it pisses me off. sure he'd make me laugh, but that was because i wanted so badly for him to pass me any attention. he always preferred other people, he was always busy. he didn't have the time. so i craved any attention from anyone. he was literally friends with the dude that groomed me, and he didn't try to stop it. and he didn't try and tell my mom. he just let it happen. he claims he loves me, but you don't hurt someone you love over and over and over.

he says he wants to have a good relationship, but just fucking guilts me about every damn thing. i can't fucking deal with it. i'm exhausted of always having to be on guard when he's around anyone in my fami;y because i'm the only one that actually recognizes his guilt tripping. he's completely ruined all of our mental healths, and still thinks he's the victim. he turns everything on us, and claims he's an amazing father. how stupid is he? why can't he see how we all would be better off if he moved away with the family he cheated with. we clearly don't matter to him anyways.

i pretend i'm not upset constantly cause he always looks down on ppl that seem upset. i hate people like that. the one thing i never want to be in life is him. he constantly fires after my mom, and they both get mad when i defend her from his words. i don't understand what i'm doing wrong. i always feeel like a horrible daughter. if i wasn't born, then my mom wouldn't have been trapped in a relationship with him. why doesn't she resent me.

i just want my dad to be my friend again. but he never will be, and it hurts so bad. it's like a hole in my gut that will never be fufilled because the one thing that can fix it is unattainable. just when i was starting to get a grip on my mental health, i find out all of this.

even my therapist says he hasn't done much wrong, is it really me overreacting? i don't even listen to her anymore. she said that i was overreacting when i told her about other things that o have trauma from, and she said it wasn't actually trauma. i don't know what to do. i feel so trapped bro. writing is my only form of escape and half of the time i don't even want to write because i have absolutelyy no energy.

anyways if you read this for some reason sorry to bother lol i just needed to get it out, probably will have some sort of mha post tonite !!

[noctomania]

I hate this i hate this i hate this. I'm always wondering why i am always left out and then i get into these dark moments and it makes it all worse bc then im like this is why, nobody wants to deal with a crybaby bitch that is sad all the fuckin time but im sad all the time bc I'm fucking lonely and rejected and facing an existential crisis every other day that I'm stuck in a life i don't fucking want.

Like there is dysmorphia and dysphoria but what is it when what you imagine for your self and your life simply contradicts reality in every way? Am i living in a dystopia?

I genuinely want to be the fun person in my friends, i want to make people laugh and feel good and yes i want them to like me. Like me enough to be like "let's hang out!" I don't want to have to keep going out meeting people who are less enthused about me than i am about them. It kinda wears on the psyche. I don't want to set myself up for more and more rejection.

I'm just having a really hard time lately. The past few months have been hell. Losing my dad last year, losing my stepmom this year, losing my roommate (not to death she's moving in with her partner which what's the difference), having to kove in less than 2 months, and my back being entirely fucked I'm just so fucking defeated. I have just a few months left in this job then i would have been free.

But no. I'm fucking broken and stuck until ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and all i can do is sit on an ice pack pop pills and cry. I can't even clean my room. Layin on a mattress on the floor with goddamn hairball tumbleweeds blowin by. I just want one fuckin thing to be fixed. If i had to choose it would be my fuckin back. I can survive losing people I've lost plenty before. I cannot afford to lose myself. I can't give up my independence like this. I've worked so fucking hard to build confidence in myself to survive in circumstances that were incredibly shakey. It's not fair that suddenly I can't even cook pasta or wash myself. I'm entirely in self pity mode and i get that isn't attractive but I don't care. I want to be an entire fuckin baby right now bc what the fuck.

Why can't i catch a fuck8ng break? I have not cried so much since i was a child. Everything feels so unfair and i feel like i have so little control or power. I still sturggle to understand our health care system. It took me forever to get anfuckin MRI and nobody has bothered to call me to tell me what it looks like? They make me go through all that and I can't even get the job finished without waiting patiently for like 2 months? I don't wven know. And i know I'm not entirely innocent. Which also fucking hurts.

It's my fault my body did this bc I didn't treat it right it's my fault i didn't get to the doctor sooner it's my fault that I don't have answers about my mri bc i did cancel a recent appointment with my pt but idek if she would have read it. But where does it end bc it's not my fault this system is built to make me into a circus monkey or that i have to literally repeat my problems 15 times every fucking time i see a new practitioner even within the same fucking practice.

I'm fucking tired of life and I'm hoping i can stay stable enough bc having this mental challenge which i have so many painkillers hangin out is not a good combo. Maybe if i have a fuckin breakdown in the dr office they might actually fucking do something besides tell me to fuckin stretch.

[laurel-michaela-connor]

this isn't about me

my sister’s boyfriend just broke up with her last night. they dated for like 3 years and she really thought they were going to get married. i think we all did. she’s been freaking about about the possibility of them breaking up for a couple weeks now, so she wasn’t totally caught off guard, but idek what i’m supposed to say or do. idk i just feel like their relationship hit this fever pitch of anxiety and resentment and fear and it fell apart as a result. they’ve both been having mental health problems, and my sister’s anxiety has gotten really, really bad this year for some reason. she always has this need to be in control and be in charge, and he’s been really depressed. but idk if it’s even that. he apparently has feelings for some other girl. idk. 

everyone in my family is really upset, but i’m just kinda hanging out and feeling generally apathetic about all of it. my sister can’t eat, she keeps crying, she’s barely holding it together today, but literally idk what i’m supposed to do. idk what happened, i can’t fix anything, idk what to say to her. she just cries and i think i’m probably supposed to comfort her but instead i just feel awkward and sit there. logically i can understand it’s a very upsetting thing. i’ve been rejected and i know how much it can hurt. but rn i feel like my empathy is at an all-time low and i just cannot get myself to be the supportive and caring person the people in my life need me to be. my one friend got dumped the other day and it was all i could do to stop myself from pointing out that she kind of deserved it. she kept texting and hanging out with her ex and it upset the new guy but she just wouldn’t fucking stop and it made him feel like he couldn’t trust her.

i’m better about being supportive to my friends, but overall my supportive abilities have kind of bottomed out this summer and i’m not sure why. i still have barely talked to my best friend all summer, so idek what’s going on with her. she accused me of trying to push her out of my life, but now it feels like she’s pushing me out of hers. we were supposed to talk about it after the bar exam but we still haven’t and at this point idk when we will.

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhh welp... *derps x2* (Update and some past therapy and college/uni talk)

I really wanted to write a post but at the same time I’m not feeling very well and feel like the effort to do so might drain me even more. Maybe I’ll try write it more brief, since all my previous posts end up so hella long lol. 

Anyways, on monday was what I thought would be a therapy session but it was in fact another referral consultation, but I still poured all my truthful feelings and fears out. I feel kinda proud I didn’t kind of hold back or soften the things I said as much as I usually would (though I still stumbled over some words and blanked a little, but it’s okay!). Also I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be, I was just so focused on trying to give the consultant all the relevant information possible and almost went overtime in my super fired up blabby confession moment lol. She noted it all down and said she’d speak with her supervisor and decide where or who best to refer me to and be in contact by the end of the week.

I literally told her so many things that I would have a hard time telling anyone or even writing here. I began with the avoidant stuff and then kinda veered off into my super paranoid-ness troubles and a little on dependent-ness, it was... ugh... real difficult to talk about it without feeling like a fool but I also mentioned how I’ve been trying really hard to rationalise things and be more positive and stuff and for someone to acknowledge and sort of praise that felt nice. I also pulled out some of the most random and uncomfortable situations from my past to give as examples for things and it was uh... I struggled a bit and felt awkward a little but she was very sympathetic and nice! :> 

When she asked what my perception of myself was, as I mentioned I have a low view of myself, I said what I thought (and it was only a few adjectives of the negative kind, but they were strong words... I guess I am being too hard on myself, but I can’t help it when it’s all I can see of myself :c) and she was a little surprised and said not many people would be able to say it so bluntly *laughs nervously and burrows head in the sand*. I made sure to get across that I’m very sensible about my actions and have been trying my best to improve and that I have a lot of hope to get better and she said this was good too ^^ There was a lot of other stuff but it’s too much effort to write down and remember lol. I’m not sure what she makes of all the stuff I said and what the supervisor will say about it, I just hope it goes in the right direction and stuff ahhh >< (Also that they don’t ask to see my blog because I did happen to mention it... they wouldn’t though right...? Like to make me conquer my fears or something ;w; ...Even if they did (unlikely) I could say no, don’t worry silly self!)

No obligations! My new mantra XD (Idek know if I’m using the right word but oh well, it works for me so imma use it! lololol~) Getting stuff off the chest and having your problems acknowledged really does feel like a weight has been lifted slightly hoo~ I feel a little bit more motivated and willing to disclose my fears and keep pushing to improve too ^^ 

I went to the supermarket after that with my sis who drove me to and from the appointment and I browsed around at a super leisurely pace. Maybe it was the sort of motivation boost from letting off the steam at the consultation that allowed me to roam around feeling less conscious of the other shoppers than I usually do, it was nice. I did still feel awk sometimes squeezing past people and sort of hovering around them cause I wanted to look at something but I persisted and I got to peruse as much as I wanted >:D

I said I didn’t want the post to get long but I thought why not write a little about my past therapy experiences since this post is about therapy, so here I go~! :U

In college I went to see a therapist lady about my ‘social anxiety’. I don’t remember the details before that, it was probably me finally acknowledging I was genuinely having a hard time with socialising or fitting in wherever I am and constantly being anxious around others that prompted me to get help. It’s likely I read some shizz off the internet then too lol. I think in school before that I would converse and confide in a friend who also had similar feelings but when it got to college I hardly saw them because their schedule was like the opposite of mine. The line between friends and classmates, it kinda becomes clear once you stop being together out of convenience (of the same class times and such).

The friendships I had and were grateful for just gradually faded and I guess my lack of initiative (or fear) to continue communication outside just made it even more inevitable. It’s okay though, people move on and people change, especially in the case of when people move to far away locations too. They have their life to live however and with whoever they want, and I have mine (which is terrible but... maybe it won’t be later on). I do miss them and I miss the time I spent in school with them, but what I hope most is that they are all happy and doing well c: There’s a lot more I’d want to write, but this post isn’t about that. There’s plenty of time to reminisce, remedy and maybe even reconnect with them someday later on.

Anyways, I can’t remember anything too detailed with the therapy there except we talked some and she game some sort of worksheets with some tasks to help me acknowledge my feelings and fears and to try expose myself to them little by little. I don’t think I got that far with that or maybe it’s because I chose to start seeing her so close to the end of my time at college that well the sessions obviously didn’t continue for long, I don’t think I went more than a small handful of times. 

Something else I remember from probably one of my first talks with her, is that she asked me what I would wish for (or where I’d wish to live?? idk too long ago to remember) if I could, and I said something like to live in a normal house like everyone else lol. Idk I was envious of the cosy homes my friends, relatives and families on tv have that were so different from my own, more modern and homely unlike mine which is so old, unconventional and constantly noisy because my parents workplace is aside it. (Maybe the work place and home being so close makes it hard for my parents to sort of separate their work mindset and leisure time and that’s why they can never sort of relax and why I can never be comfortable idk.) Uh well anyways, she replied that it was such a humble(?) modest(??) wish... uh I’m really not sure of the right word to use to describe it or what she said exactly but basically it was indicating my wish was not like the extravagant sort of things other people would probably wish for. My wish (though I can’t remember the exact context leading up to asking about it) was in essence to be normal and have a normal environment and I guess that still stands, though I do have bigger dreams now too, but still not the overly extravagant kind haha. Idek what I was trying to say in this paragraph lol *goldfish memory*.

Also something else during college time, is that I went to this breathing exercise help thing which was supposedly supposed to help people who are anxious in exams or something but I just went in hope it might help me in general. It literally was just listening to some relaxing nature sounds and seeing some matching imagery while having your pulse tracked at the same time and I sucked at it and didn’t really improve much lol XD It was supposed to help you regulate your breathing and stuff but I just probably got more anxious about it. I wonder if it is anxiety that has been causing me all sorts of worrisome chest related problems, as they have persisted till now more than a decade later unresolved and still causing me bother. This is one of the health problems out of many which I have been trying to get to the bottom of and fix in the recent years, it’s really unsettling not knowing what’s really wrong or how to fix it ugh. Maybe I’ll write about it in a separate post another time (always putting off stuff ahhh, but I guess it makes sense to here), I’ve actually been trying real hard and gone through quite a lot of things in effort to resolve things, I’m kind of proud of myself for doing so but I need to continue to persevere.

Hmm... okay now for the therapist I went to in university. I can’t remember the exact thing that prompted me to start going or how I came to know of it, but it was probably the similar feelings of struggling and needing guidance and idk reading posters or some info booklets maybe. I know I started going later than I could have again and stopped going completely because... well, I ended up dropping out of Uni altogether :c I was struggling so badly, the anxiety, the depression etc. just made it so difficult to sleep, concentrate or understand anything and just being there unnerved me so much. I still regret it and feel like such a failure, but university isn’t for everyone anyways, I just chose to go because it is the typical thing to do after college (but a degree doesn’t guarantee work or anything so bleeeh~)

The therapist I was appointed was a guy and he was nice and this will sound really ridiculous and I feel real bad thinking this, but something about the way he looked reminded me of an army sergeant and it made me extra uncomfortable and intimidated. It was just so hard to unsee and also the fact he is a guy like I mentioned earlier make me unsettled (I’m even more insecure around guys) Dx Also I remember talking about some of my female related physical problems as I was going to doctors trying to sort stuff back then too (still partially unresolved now ugh) and well uh... it was so awks but he said he could understand and relate because his daughter had the same problem, he would share some stories about her other times too and I guess it was kind of nice, it helped me to see him more as a softer father type person rather than an army sergeant I guess lol.

Anyways that’s not important! One of the things I distinctly remember about my sessions there, is that one of his earlier sort of tasks was to write down what I thought of myself on a paper. I took the paper and I drew a simple scrawl of myself with an unhappy face and next to it (or in a speech bubble) I wrote ‘I hate myself’ and without looking up, I cried onto it... :< (I wonder how many times therapists have to see people cry a week or even a day ><) He gave me a sympathetic look and I don’t remember what else happened that session, probably just talked about some more basic stuff about myself and some positive thinking advice.

Another thing I found memorable is that he told me ‘you are the one that knows yourself best’ and it really stuck with me. There was also a kind of ‘you are the only one that can change yourself/you are the one that can help yourself most’ kind of phrase (but I can’t remember the exact wording) and before that he would use a sort of metaphorical situation and ask me what I would do. The one for this phrase was something about being out at sea/or a pool and needing help... *blank blank something something* ...uh I can’t remember the rest of the details and I don’t think I should guess because I made a whole lotta nonsense in the other paragraph before lol. Again it feels kind of unreal, like I was a different person then or that I’m seeing it from a different perspective... I wonder if it’s dissociation or something, it just feels so strange ><

Oh also this is semi-irrelevant but I went to have Dyslexia tests at both college and uni also (my friend that already went recommended me to go). I just wanted to know why I was struggling so bad, why I had so much trouble with concentrating, taking in info and all that stuff. Maybe I’ll write about the outcome of these and where they lead me another time (ugh) when I write about all my other health focused posts. I’ll just mention again that so many things in mental health and function overlap and that it’s so difficult to discern the definitive reasons for things, the diagnosis I got was...eh... and I took it with a grain of salt pretty much (and btw my family/relatives weren’t all that convinced or supportive of this or when I had a diagnosis of depression which was... well it wasn’t great). I’m glad I had the courage to go to these too because it did help me to understand myself and work a tiny bit more efficiently, but I guess my avpd-ness prevented me from wanting to use the stuff and advice they gave me in class and well, it was already kind of too late to sort of salvage what little motivation I had then and try continue.

Uh... that was hella negative. But I guess that’s basically all I remember about those things. I started writing this post on monday but well I guess I had more to write about than I thought and I didn’t have enough time alone to think about it and write it lol. I’ll finish this post by mentioning some of my more positive things from yesterday ^^ I phoned the mobile provider of this phone I bought recently and returned to get some details on my return. I’ve put this off for a few days already and wasn’t going to try, but I pushed myself to and yay I got the answer I wanted (though I could have said my question a bit more straight forward in the beginning instead but in the end I got there, so it’s okay xD). The past year or so I’ve called the doctors and my phone provider the most probably lol. About why I returned the phone... I just really wanted a new phone because mine is so old and frustratingly dysfunctional, but I changed my mind about the one I got and decided to wait to get another one. Indecision and impulse buying at it’s best yo~~~

Also I emailed an enquiry to a seller about some problem I had with some product bought from Amazon (which I’ve also been putting off). In general I feel I’ve been trying harder to not let that ‘oh no someone’s gonna judge me’ feeling from stopping me do some small things I wanted to do, like listen to this derpy old cd I found on my living room stereo just before and commenting on some things online (with my cheesy jokes and over enthusiastic complimenting as usual lol *facepalm*). Also thinking more positively about things like, when you feel you weren’t successful, it’s best not to beat yourself up about it, at least you tried and you can try again and it might be even better than previously. Like with this post, I didn’t finish it on monday or yesterday like I wanted, but there’s no point feeling down or mad at myself for it (I mean it was my own choice really and my fear stopping me, but it’s not gonna help to be overly harsh to myself about it) and since I’m continuing it now anyways, it’s no big deal. It wasn’t mandatory for me to finish it, I shouldn’t worry about it, no obligations! ^^ I hope I can keep it up and keep pushing out of my comfort zone too! 

Ze end~! Must go do something more productive! Let’s go~! :3