#idek how to summarise my feelings about that

[dapgolf]

i watched dans video instead of getting ready for work and so now i definitely don't have time to rb gifs and posts on tumblr BUT I WILL BE BACK

[jewishbarbies]

I’m done. I have finally concluded that TikTok is actually fully a breeding ground for misinformation and antisemitism. I probably should’ve come to this conclusion a while ago, but yeah.

Seeing all of these think pieces on Yuval and discourse about him being Israeli and Jewish… even to me as a non Jewish individual, it makes me sick.

And it’s so crazy because people are engaging in exactly what he didn’t want to engage in: Oppression Olympics.

His whole point summarised was that he agreed with her overall message, but his issue was that people are undermining how horrific the Holocaust was and are engaging in antisemitism by saying that Israel “paid” for it to be seen as barbaric as it is, and that slavery and the holocaust are both uniquely disgusting but cannot be compared in terms of death tolls or other things, because they (while both systemic oppression) were completely different (e.g. holocaust was 4 years, slavery was centuries long, etc).

He then goes on to explain what exactly made the Holocaust so uniquely tragic and barbaric, and why there’s absolutely no need for Israel to “pay” for it to be seen as disgusting… it just was that disgusting and inhumane.

But people are now saying that he said that the holocaust was worse than slavery, that he compared the two, that as a Jewish Israeli, he has lots to “unpack” (it’s so disgusting to even say that), people are saying that they “always knew he was like this”, that they’ve been “praying on his downfall”, that they got a “weird vibe” from him.

People are now making think pieces about how slavery was the worst thing to ever happen in the world and that the holocaust doesn’t compare (1st of all, they shouldn’t be compared, but second of all, didn’t we just say that both slavery and the holocaust were uniquely bad?).

I just feel so sick. I’m not even Jewish but I feel so sick to my stomach.

I think people on TikTok don’t actually know what propaganda looks like. They think that propaganda and misinformation looks like Chinese and Russian ads, etc. They don’t realise that they’re literally circle jerking antisemitism and misinformation.

I just- wow. Yeah that’s it.

I personally believe about 80% of people on tiktok don’t even have a collective brain cell to share between them. there’s some really good content on there, but it gets drowned out so much by the overwhelming amount of pure ignorance and bigotry. not to mention the pedophiles, and the mommy vloggers offering them their children on a gold platter. i feel like we don’t see other socials as bad bc it’s all pretty much text but tiktok is people straight up looking you in the eye and lying to your face. it’s a much bolder kind of misinformation and bigotry which is why it spreads so fast, because people just think ‘why would someone lie to your face showing their own face like that?’ and trust most of it. idek what could be done about it at this point.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[makoandharu]

whats your favourite scene and overall episode in each season? and why? :D

(I haven't seen s1 i think since it aired, unless i rewatched it before s2 aired, but i rewatched everything else p recently so i remember that way more)

S1

I really like the scene in the lighthouse when Rei asks Makoto why he's scared of the ocean and Haru gets really defensive and basically tells them to shut up. HE's just so in tune with Makoto's needs and i think it's those two moments esp when he knows Makoto won't stick up for himself, and HE becomes Makoto's voice, when so often before we've seen the opposite happen.

Also before they go into the abandoned SC building, and Haru scares Nagisa about there being a ghost, but then immediately turns to Makoto to apologise! 😌 constantly just aware and respectful of Makoto's feelings.

Those are the main ones i can think of (like i said can't remember much of that season at all!)

Favourite ep is obviously OBVIOUSLY ep 6. Don't think it needs an explanation lmao

S2

Boy i love eternal summer!! Favourite minor scene is the iwatobi high club vs club relay they have and Haru passes the baton to Makoto and the commentator says "they're two bodies in perfect harmony". Glad to know everyone at school also knows they are soulmates.

I'm not even gonna mention airport scene, so other favourite scene is probably after the race between Makoto and Haru when Makoto says "I lost!" Just. Ugh. Can't even summarise both their fear leading up to that race about losing the other!!

Fave episode is a draw. The one where Nagisa runs away from home! It's about the friendship and found family TM. And the one with Kisumi, bc i love Hayato so SO much (I feel like i don't talk about him enough but he's my son), and also jealous Haru is 👏🏽👏🏽. His face is so dumb and then he shows up to Makoto's work just to flex on Kisumi. Dumb and gay. I love it.

S3

Brooo so much!! This might be my favourite season?? It's certainly the one i think about the most

Favourite scene: Hiyori's "I bet your smile was that kid's salvation. You were a hero to him" is the scene i end up rewatching the most tbh. I think that's my absolute favourite line in the whole show. Idk there's so much to unpack in that scene that idek if it was intentional but to me that's Hiyori finally being able to show Ikuya that he literally saved Hiyori's life by being his friend (and maybe tryna make him see why he's been so desperate to look after Ikuya's well being; bc he literally owes him his life), but also I think it's him finally realising that actually "that kid" was a different person to who he is now, and he can finally grow past putting Ikuya on a pedestal as a hero. I think this is The Moment he realises actually it's okay if he doesn't feel the same way, I've told him how i feel/felt and i don't need those feelings reciprocated to be happy. (But who am i kidding, every damn scene with that boy is my favourite, he's honestly just. The love of my life lol.)

Fave ep is obviously ep 6, me + childhood flashback montage = instant tears. (I'm looking at you Timeless Medley and stupid Given). Hiyori's just. Ugh. I just think he's neat ok

Honorary MH s3 favourite scene mention: When Makoto finds Haru after he loses the friendly race to Albert, and says "i was worried about you" 😩

Thank you for asking aaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!

[3k626ekful7ozxujar43keiw236in2h]

Honestly wtf am i ever on about

[batwngs-archive]

your writing is just perfection. it’s always so soft and poetic in the way you describe how people feel, and your choice in words is always incredible too! whenever i read your writing, i feel like it’s so easy to become immersed in whatever scene it is that you’ve written, because you always make your writing so relatable and give it such life. seriously though, you could be a poet with how wonderful it is. your writing always has an excellent pace and flows so very well, and it almost makes me feel as though i’m in a dream-like state (?) because of how gentle and fragile your words can be, even when you’re dealing with harsher topics. to summarise, your writing is some of the best i’ve ever seen, and this was just an excuse for me to gush about that to you because i know i’d be way too embarrassed to do that off anon, and to admit that i would die happily if the last thing i saw was something you’d written, because it’s just so beautiful and i hope you realise that 💕

idek what to say to this like I just want to stare at this all day and maybe print it out and hang it on my wall or something idk but like anon im in love with u and hhhh thank u for reading my writing and thinking of it like this 

ANONYMOUSLY TELL ME WHAT MY SPECIALITY AS A FANFICTION WRITER IS

[eddiekasprzak]

Can you pls explain the appeal of h*mest*ck to someone who never fell into that pit and is still confused by everything about it to this day?

anon this is THE funniest question i have ever received and i stared at it in awe for too long. it feels like one part genuine question one part out of the blue drag and idek what prompted it.

anyway hamsreak is more than 8000 pages long, has 820k words, has literally hours worth of flash animations and was the single most time-consuming work of media i consumed in my life and i know for a fact that the only reason i got into it is because i was xtremely depressed and needed a distraction that it happily provided. it was made by a yt edgelord computer sci major with all the bullshit baggage that entails but it was also better about gay/bi people than you’d expect but was still not good. it had a ton of great fanfic and the best fanart. it is also an absolute fucking nightmare and only about half of the comic is good. 

if i had to summarise the appeal for me it’s that i’m neuroatypical and my brain goes haywire for all the patterns and concepts it had going on. there’s a troll zodiac, blood classes with powers, the class and aspect system etc etc there’s a lot to latch onto. with that said, i cannot emphasise enough just how off the rails it goes and the extent to which i would not recommend it. it has a 190k epilogue with graphically depicted suicide, a juggalo that drinks breast milk out of a baby bottle, and multiple references to dog penises. do not read homestuck.

[nachtgraves]

re: a hand to hold

i dont think anyone who reads my original shit on wattpad/ficpress follows my tumblr, or if they do, it’s like maybe 2 people lol. im pretty sure the people that follow me here and actually have read my shit are from my kuzuhina fics

i’ll make a ‘formal’ post prob, this is just rambling because i’m wired and drained at the same time, it’s weird. i’ll also prob just copy/paste the following and post it as a chapter on wattpad/ficpress when i’m more definitive about all this.

so. rambling into the void under the cut because it lengthy and so you dont have scroll past all of it if you dont care

i just kinda want to either drop this wip but also rewrite it completely. as it is, every time i work on it it’s just. so. draining. idk why. it is by far the most mentally difficult wip i’ve ever posted. and while i don’t ever know where a wip is going since i pants everything and all content i post online is basically the roughest of first drafts with little to no proofreading when i post, this one in particular i am just idek what is going on. i have a direction and know the main conflict and plot twists and all that but that’s kind of it? i mean i dont remember how old thalia is half the time and i know i’m not writing her well as a child on top of all the developmental issues due to how she and chris have fared thus far.

but i also dont want to drop it because i feel bad lmao,. it’s def my least popular story but there is a readership for it. i am v familiar with the feel of following fics that end up abandoned so mixed feelings as a writer and reader (but ofc i understand the abandonment of wips). idk, man. i’ve been thinking about dropping it and doing what i did for I’m Not Alice! way back when with just summarising the direction i was thinking of going in and all that.

or. just delete all the chapters and do a rewrite with this idea i’ve been thinking about somewhat, which is in a completely different direction but with the same core elements, like jared being a werewolf, and some shit that i havent revealed regarding thalia and chris. but it’d be more traditional fantasy as opposed to really minor paranormal/urban fantasy. and thalia would be at least 10 as opposed to 4/5/7/whatever age i made her. and jared wouldnt’ be a cop but some sort of fantasy nobleman close to the royal family a la traditional fantasy. chris is some sort of mage or witch, real minor powers. idk if i’d keep thalia’s secret plot things tho.

but i just want to finish the four wips i’ve been working on for like 4 or 5 years now. so if i do rewrite, it wouldnt be until i’ve finished sb, sc, and/or nh, (not to mention psukhe with nano) and by then, i’ll prob have no interest in this anymore, not that i have much interest in it currently tbh. i’m just so tired. and i have too many ideas and things going about in my head but no energy for really any of it

also. i keep forgetting about The Plan. which. i should prob say something about that one at some point because it has been a loooong while. if i did take it off hiatus, it would need a complete overhaul.

[the-last-airbadger]

My 2017

The end of the year is in sight, and so it is time to, once again, write a long post in which I look back on the past year and get all sentimental and stuff. It’s fun! And since I’ve kinda made an annual tradition out of it, why the fuck not?

I’m gonna be using the same questions/categories as I did last year for maximum comparison (and so I know what to write about), so if you want to read last year’s post, I’ll link it here: (x)

The Beginning of 2017 vs. Now I definately think that there’s a huge difference between the beginning of the year and the end. When this year started, I was sooooo busy with school. I had multiple test weeks coming up and I was behind on almost all my subjects. The stress of all that stuff caused me to feel really unhappy, and apart from that my transition also wasn’t really moving forward. And now? Now I’m five months on T, finished with school, and even though work is still stressfull at the moment and I’m still not really happy, I can say that I’m a lot happier than I was at the beginning of the year. I also feel like at the beginning of the year I was kinda stuck in a negative mindset. I felt lonely all the time, and I had just started to realise that I was a very insecure person and I felt really lonely and busy and isolated and I just wasn’t in a good place, ya know? And I feel like in the past year I’ve become better at dealing with my insecurities and with jealousy, which has increased the value I have of myself, which has definately improved my quality of life. 

So, to summarise it: Since the beginning of the year I’ve reached multiple of my goals, reached some milestones and, most importantly, I’ve grown as a person.

Best things about 2017 So many good things happened this year! I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll try to start with things that happened at the beginning of the year and just see where it leads me. I hope I won’t forget anything lmao.

Okay, so first of all, Voltron season 2, 3 and 4 were all released this year! Three seasons! That’s crazy! I didn’t really enjoy the last two that much, but damn, season 2 was really fun! Other tv shows that got new seasons this year were Stranger Things, Doctor Who (I can’t believe I’ve only finished the tenth doctors seasons this year! I can’t believe I’ve not been into Doctor Who for more than a year! It’s so much funn!!!!), Brooklyn Nine-Nine (which reminds me, I started watching “the good place” this year! Amazing show!), and Sense8! Speaking of sense8, I only started watching it in the beginning of this year, and it has easily become one of my favourite shows ever! I’m so glad I got to watch this show this year! 

Then in february, I discovered the band One Ok Rock, which is one of my favourite bands at the moment. It’s crazy to think I haven’t even known them for a year, because they’ve become such an integral part of my music library. And so have Lindsey Stirling and Ed Sheeran by the way! I went to a Lindsey Stirling concert in March and have become a huge fan of her latest album “brave enough” ever since then. And Ed Sheeran’s album “Devide” had some amazing songs on it that I connected with instantly and have helped me through some hard times. I really can’t believe I’ve only been listening to these songs for like nine months or something. It feels like it’s been forever. The same goes for a certain musical genre by the way, but we’ll get into that later!!

Then in may, two amazing things happened, first of all I got to perform on a huge stage with my choir, and met some famous dutch people there! Roel van Velzen for example! That was crazy! We were on TV!!! 

The second thing is, I finished my exams and was done with school! This made me feel sooooo much happier. I instantly just felt a lot better and suddenly had time to do stuff I liked, like read and write and play the piano. Honestly, those months (end of may - end of august) were some of the best months I’ve had in a loooong time. I wish I could go back sometimes lmao.

So yeah, I graduated, turned eightteen, went to Ireland for the first time. All of that stuff was amazing. Then, on the 28th of june, I went to the hospital and got one of the best surprises I’ve ever gotten. I COULD FINALLY, FINALLY, GO ON T! If I had to pick my best day of the year, I’d probably choose this day. Testosterone has already improved my life so much and I’ve only been on it for five months. I can’t imagine how much it will change me in the next year and I also can’t wait to find out!!

Oh, and after that, I GOT INTO KPOP! I started really listening to Day6 during my vacation to ireland, but around the end of august/beginning of september, I started to get really really into SHINee, and in extention, to kpop. Honestly, this might sound dramatic, but Day6 and SHINee have added so much to my life. Their music and just their personalities never fail to make me smile, and they bring me comfort when I feel down. Since a few weeks, BTS has also been added to that list. Their music and the members just really mean a lot to me, so I’d say kpop is definately one of the best things that happened to me this year. 

Then I got a job in september, and I can’t really remember if anything big has happened since then. The only thing I can really think of is I SAW JACKSEPTICEYE LIVE! That evening was such a fun evening and it was awesome to finally get to see one of my heroes in person and to be in the same room with him and see that he’s actually real, haha. I don’t think I’ve screamed that much anywhere else this year. 

Oh, and I also went to my first pride this year! Sadly, I couldn’t stay there very long because of work, but it was amazing and I can’t wait to go again!

I also started my youtube channel this year, which is cool. I really love making content for it, but unfortunately it takes a lot of time that I usually don’t have. I hope I’ll be able to keep it up for another year!

So, I think that’s it for this year. If you look at it like this it’s actually quite a lot of positive stuff! That’s always good.

OH AND HOW COULD I FORGET I went to london with my mom this year! It was only two nights but it was amazing and I had loads of fun there! 

And another thing I wanted to add is I feel like I’ve become a lot closer with my friends this past year. I guess that’s just what happens when you know them for a year longer, but idk. We see eachother a lot less than last year and despite that we’ve only become closer and I think that’s a really amazing thing.

OH, and I started to watch the You’re So Brave podcast by Chase Ross & Aaron Ansuini and oh my god have these dudes helped me a lot in the past year. Thank you guys so so much!!!

My resolutions for 2017? I haven’t looked at my resolutions for this year since I posted them last year... oops. But I remember quite a few of them and I believe I’ve achieved some of them so I’m just going to copy-paste them here and adress them all individually

Go on Testosterone, for real this time - Did that!! I went on T on the 28th of July 2017 and am now Five months and Three days on T!

Write more! - .... well I guess I failed that one. I wrote exactly four pages in the past year

Save money and buy new jeans, flannels and hoodies - I did save money, and bought my favourite flannel, hoodie and jeans this year, so I guess that counts

Finish School! - DID THAT

Read a lot of books! - Sadly, I didn’t manage to achieve my reading goal on goodreads. I only read 22 books this year when I wanted to read 35. Last year, I read about the same amount, so I’d count this as a fail.

Stay Hydrated! - Idek if I did this lmao. I did become more aware of what I’m eating and what I should eat more and less to stay healthy, so I’m going to count this as a win

Try to make my tumblr blog a safe and positive place for everyone - I’ll let you guys be the judge of that

Stay positive - I’ve definately tried this, so that’s good enough

Try to be the best person I can be - I’ve become a lot more self aware the past year, and I did find out what my flaws were and how to work on them, so I think I did this.

Fight my insecurities - As I’ve stated in the beginning of this post, I think I’ve become better at dealing with them, so I’d say yeah, I did that!

Reach 200 followers on tumblr!! - Did that! I’ve got about 280 followers now!!

So yeah, overall I think I did pretty good in the past year! Better than I expected at least haha

Expectations for 2018 Okay, let’s see. I’m expecting I’ll keep my job until around june/july. I’ll turn nineteen in june, and I’m going to see Paramore, Markiplier, Ed Sheeran and Dan and Phil live this year! Really looking forward to that!! Then in september I’m going to start university, and I think that I’m going to have Top-Surgery somewhere between september and december of this year. Apart from that I don’t really know what to expect. I think university will be quite easy for me education-wise, and hard social-wise, since I’m not good around strangers and might have some slight social anxiety. But apart from that I don’t really have a clear vision for the future. I am probably going to start learing how to drive so I might get my driver’s liscence this year. Who knows? It’ll be a mystery until I’ve lived it guys.

2018 Resolutions? I am feeling ambitious rn so I’m probably gonna set the bar too high but oh well who cares let’s do this

Finally decide what to study

Get Top-Surgery

Write at least 100 pages of a story

Accomplish my reading challenge on goodreads (I’m gonna try 35 books again)

Start University

Make new friends

Stop with my acting classes

Learn how to drive

Improve my drawing skills (maybe make a comic?)

Reach 300 followers on Tumblr

Get more than 20 subs on Youtube and consistently create content for my channel

Learn Divenire on the Piano

Dye my hair

Continue to shower every day (Hygene is important!)

Start working out/exercising regularely

Get new glasses

And yeah, that’s it! I hope you’ve all enjoyed going along on this journey through my past year with me. Looking back on the past year is always one of my favourite parts of new year’s eve. It’s so good to look back and see all that you’ve accomplished in a year and it just makes me really sentimental and stuff and I like that. 

Anyways, I hope you all have a great evening, and I’ll see you guys next year!

[iblamebighit]

interrupted (m) part V

pairing: reader x ???

genre: idek anymore angst? smut?  (i promise there will be more smut in the upcoming chapters)

summary: part 5 of this trash i call a series

word count: 3.9k (specifics: 3,942)

warnings/triggers: fighting, swearing, sexual stuff...

“I love you.”

Jimin didn’t know what to feel. Did she mean it? Or am I just a second choice… 

The surrounding silence was nauseating, he felt her shift knowing he had to say something but what? He knew one thing for certain and couldn’t lie about it...

“I love you too y/n.” he couldn’t deny that.

A million thoughts raced through his head as he lay beside you patting the crown of your head gently, staring up at the dark ceiling. He wanted to believe you... but just couldn’t yet. He was always second place to Jungkook. If Jungkook didn’t fuck up, would you still have had said it to him.

He knew it wasn’t the best time to ask if you had meant it, but with his heart ringing in his ears and a tiny voice gnawing at the corners of his mind, he had to ask...  

Mustering up enough courage, he took a deep breathe about to tell you- but bit his tongue when you laid a chaste kiss on his chest. He couldn’t ask now…

Right now, he just wanted to revel in this moment with you; where he was surrounded by your scent, feeling your breath fan against his skin, letting his fingers tangle through the strands of your hair and laying in each other’s warmth as you both settled down to go to sleep.

“Goodnight y/n.” He sighed, internally wishing that morning would never come, and drawing you closer.

“Goodnight Jimin.” you yawned, nestling closer to him and shutting your eyes to sleep.

-

The early shades of dawn filtered through the curtains and the incessant buzz of your phone awoke you. If it weren’t for Jimin’s sleepy face being the first thing that you saw through heavy lids, you would’ve of been in the absolute worst mood, but seeing him soundlessly asleep with the amber tint, of the early rising sun, kissing his skin, made you lips curl into a small smile as you unravelled yourself from Jimin’s limp grip and grabbing your phone from your bomber.

From Hana:

Please tell me you’re not too hungover to work today…

From Hana:

I need you :(( boss gave me the whole 11 hours… BY MYSELF >:((

To Hana:

no no i’m completely sober… shoot me.

To Hana:

i’ll come in today, i have a lot to tell you…

From Hana:

SPILL. and THANK YOUUU <3

Jimin stirred on the bed, you looked up to see him upright with furrowed brows and barely opened lids.

“Morning.” you smiled.

“It’s cold… what time is it?Why are you up?” he rasped, scratching the back of his neck.

“7:14am”

“It’s so early.” he groaned, “do you have work?”

“Mhmm” You hummed in reply, as you walked up to the bed, leaning over to kiss Jimin’s puffy cheek.

“y/n���” he whispered scratchily.

“Yeah?”

He bit his lip, as you perched onto the edge of the soft mattress. His hesitation made your stomach stir slightly.

“We need to talk about… this.”

“What do you mean?” you blinked, that feeling in your stomach become more prominent.

“I don’t want to say this, especially not right now… But I can’t ignore it and I can’t let it go on.”

“What is goin-”

“Do you really love me?” He blurted. Instantly looking guilty.

Your stomach dropped. You felt the colour drain from your face. What? 

“I want to believe you y/n. I really do. But i- i- just don’t know. Something in my head is telling me, that this happened by luck or chance or- or something. That if Jungkook didn’t…you know... you wouldn’t be feeling this way.” You bit the inside of your cheek, at his words. “Please say something so i don’t feel awful.”

“I-um...” You swallowed thickly. Were you really sure how you felt? Was what Jimin said true? “I should get ready for work… Get some sleep okay” You smiled, but Jimin noticed how it didn’t reach your eyes.

“I’m sorry.” he muttered, although it felt like a huge weight lift of his shoulders, a vacant look took over his eyes as he watched you disappear behind the locked bathroom door. He groaned as he sank back into bed. He felt so bad. what if he had just fucked up everything with you... But he just couldn’t take how it felt so… forced; Of course he wanted this with you, he always had… but not when it was like this.

-

Hearing the bell of the coffee shop door, you truly felt as if you could finally breathe. It was like you held your breath as you got ready and crept out the house, not making any possible noise that could wake Jimin up.

“Happy birthday.” Hana grinned as she handed you a gift bag. You laughed opening the glittery bag and pulling out what was inside.

“More alcohol. Love it.” you joked as you put your stuff away in the cloakroom.

6 slow hours passed, with barely anyone entering the shop. Which gave you plenty of time to catch up with Hana, in between serving the odd customer; and of course that meant telling her everything.

“Woah… So… Jungkook and Jimin.” She slowly summarised, more to make sense in her head than to clarify.

“Yep.” you sighed.

“You hoe.” She joked, lifting up the mood in the empty coffee shop.

“Shut the fuck up Hana.”  You replied as you both turned into raging fits of laughter.

“Is that Minah as in Kwon Minah?”

“Um, yeah, why?” You asked, eyebrows arched.

“I think I’m going to start working with her tonight…”

“What?”

“Yeah, she works at a bar, not at all far from here. I just got a part-time there, and i’m starting tonight.”

You slowly nodded, internally wondering how the world was so small that something like that would happen…

“Y/n… I get Minah’s pretty and everything, but I don’t understand why Jungkook would do that to you… It just… doesn’t...  add up.”

“Minah’s a solid 10 and i’m a 2 at best.” You protested, “But i get what you mean, I don’t understand how he could just-”

“Well i think you’re about to find out…” She whispered, eyes bulging. Following where she subtly pointed at. You turned, your eyes flinching as they caught his. You swallowed harshly, your toes curling into your shoes. You didn’t look up at all, your eyes stood ground,trained onto the cash register.

“Welcome to the mocha lab, can i take your order.” You curtly said, fighting temptation to look him, it wasn’t that you didn’t want to, but it was like you physically couldn’t bring yourself to look at him.

“y/n.”

that voice. it just made you want to burst out in tears, as if the uneasy feeling you had in your stomach didn’t want to make to throw up and faint already.

“Order something or get out.” you spat, out of the corner of your eye you even saw Hana backing away from the counter and into the cloakroom.

“You have every right to hate me but I just need to tal-”

“Jungkook.” You warned. “I really fucking can’t right now.” You tried so hard to keep the tears at bay.

“I’m sorry y/n-” You bit your lip so hard to keep yourself together that you could faintly start to taste blood. “-but please. talk to me.” His voice was so… so… broken. “please y/n i'm begging you. please... i miss you.”

Although it was so painful to hear him beg like that, and you still needed answers. You knew you couldn’t. It physically hurt to be near him. Your mind was screaming for an explanation and wanted to just jump in his arms and forgive him... but the heart remembers what the brain forgets… and it raced inside your ribcage, like how it felt when you saw the mess of clothes on the floor, storming in on him and Minah…

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” You could barely finish the sentence as your voice started to break. After a couple seconds of silence in his hesitation you heard his slow heavy footsteps leave the place.

You immediately sank behind the corner bawling. Hana sprinted over, taking your shivering figure in her arms.

“sshh, its okay, shhh.” she whispered as you took deep breaths. “that was so brave. I’m so proud of you.”

“thank you” you whimpered as you steadily composed yourself. “I can’t even look at him.” you laughed, but inside your heart was straining, as his broken voice rang throughout your mind. “I don’t know if I could ever speak to him again...”

“As much as i hate to say it… and i totally get you, but you need to talk to him. You need answers y/n… it’s the only way you can really know how you truly feel for either of them. Because it’s not fair on you and it’s not fair on Jimin” 

she was right.

You bit your quivering lip, thinking about Jimin. You couldn’t deny that there was attraction there. And last night. Last night. He put you first in front of everything, he was hurt too but made sure you were the one okay. With him, it’s genuine. It’s decided. It’s real. It’s there. He wouldn’t change his mind or even think to ever betray you like Jungkook. With Jimin before and after the whole Jungkook mess, you felt loved, platonically and romantically. he was your safe haven.

“y/n?” Hana said, snapping back into reality. By then you stopped crying. She helped you stand back up. “Are you okay?” she asked, to which you nodded in reply. “I’ll lock up, go home my love, get some rest.” She insisted and you thanked her as you both headed to the cloakroom to get your things.

“Good luck with the new barmaid job.” you called out from the door before you left. She gave you small smile as you shut the door.

-

The sun had set ages ago because of winter, the street were dully lit with street lamps. You pulled your jacket tighter, sighing watching your breath condense and float idly upward. You began the walk home, pulling out your earphones and listening to music. A few steps in, you felt as if someone was following you, you pulled an earphone out and turned to look behind. Your eyes scanned the seemingly deserted street. You felt uneasy, so you abandoned the music as you cautiously continued home.

This time you heard the footsteps, growing faster and faster, and before you could break out into a run you felt a hand grab your wrist. On instinct you turned, and kicked the figure in the genitals. You watched as a familiar figure sink onto the floor bracing themselves in their affected area.

“FOR FUCKS SAKE JUNGKOOK!” you screamed, heart racing, annoyed at the fact he had just given you one of the biggest heart attacks of your life.

“Okay... I deserved that…” he rasped and he stood up again.

you huffed, but at least this time you could actually look at him without wanting to cry.

“Please can we just talk again.” He whined. “I get you hate me. I get you never want to see me again. But please. I don’t want to never see or talk to you again on how things ended.”

You felt his stare on you as you remained silent, with your arms folded. You did deserve an explanation.

“You have 10 minutes.” You murmured.

A smile lit up Jungkook’s face. It felt so weird, like you hadn’t seen the Jungkook you fell so hard for until now… like he was someone completely different when he slept with Minah. Maybe it was your stubborn delusional heart that wanted to believe that he didn’t because you believed he wouldn’t. It made you just want to delve into his arms and forget that everything happened. But you couldn’t. Because it did.

He grabbed your hand but you flinched away.

“This doesn’t mean we’re okay.” You warned.

His face dropped but still, he gave a small smile, “Just follow me then.”

Although you looked down to the pavement, you felt his stare on you. He led you down some familiar streets and you couldn’t help but wonder where he was taking you, and why.

“You do realise you have 7 minutes left right?” You tutted, finally rolling your eyes and keeping eye contact with him.

“We’re here.” He sighed. And when you looked round, you were stunned at where he led you. How did you not notice? This was the park you, Jungkook and Jimin used to always play at when you were children. You subconsciously smiled and walked further in, as if gravity was pulling you there. You were drawn to the swings, and you reminiscently ran your fingers down the metal chain. “How are we for time?” Jungkook grinned, interrupting your flashbacks.

You cleared your throat, embarrassed that you got lost in your thoughts when you should’ve been mad.

“Why are we here. This doesn’t change anything.” You spat keeping up the defensive facade, eyebrows knit together.

“It’s obvious you remember this place.”

“Well done for stating the obvious. 5 minutes left Kook.” You scoffed.

“Kook.” He laughed and you internally kicked yourself for letting that slip. “Okay, we’re getting somewhere.”

You groaned in vexation, like a little kid throwing a tantrum. He sat down on one of the swings and signalled that you do the same. You hesitantly took the other one, but he smiled in victory when you did.

“4 minutes.” You warned. His smile dropping once again.

“I brought you here, because I need you to remember it.” You furrowed your brows, at his words. It wasn’t until you followed his gaze to the castle play structure, that you shivered. You remember it now.

~

It was your 6th birthday and you were here with Jimin and Jungkook, it was oddly sunny for a winter day and so the park was crowded with small children like yourselves.

Jimin was racing ahead, climbing up the the ropes to get to the top tower where Jungkook already was, and because you didn’t want to be left alone you followed them up, at a much slower pace, because of your scrawny figure and lack of upper body strength. You had always feared heights but you feared being alone more; and so you struggled and slipped your way to the top where they were.

It was when you got up, you had realised how high you were and panic began to set in. You burst out into tears and Jimin and Jungkook didn’t know what to do.

“Go get y/n’s mum.” Jungkook nodded to Jimin, who set off instantly. He then turned to you, who was quivering on the platform. He crouched down. “It’s okay.” He smiled but you just wouldn’t stop screaming and crying. He himself panicked, it was your birthday and he didn’t know what to do and did something impulsively and without thought. He reached forward, grabbed your face and kissed you. You were in a state of complete and utter shock, you forgot about crying. You just stood bug-eyed with Jungkook smushing his face against yours. When Jungkook let go, a huge grin took over his small face. “It worked!” he cheered, while you just remained still, frozen in place as you realised: you just had just both had your first kisses with each other.

~

You remembered how after, it was like you couldn’t breathe, your heart was going more than 200 miles per hour. You felt a mad hot blush spread throughout your wind-pinched cheeks.

“You remember.” He muttered spotting the tinge of red upon the tops of your ears and cheeks.

“J-Jungkook-I-”

“Look I know nothing I say will ever make up for what I did to you last night y/n. I don’t know why I did it and god I feel so stupid... I know that’s pathetic of me to say, but she was my first ever love, so she had this sort of hold on me and when she came to the house in tears and a blubbering mess and just kissed me... It felt like that moment on the top of the tower and I just didn’t know what to do and I acted on impulse, I forgot about everything like an idiot and ugh... And this-this is going to sound fucked up and unbelievable-but I swear, all I thought about was you.”

“You don’t expect me to just fall for that are you.” You scoffed.

“Not in the slightest. And I wouldn’t blame you if you just left right now either. But I just wanted you to know it was a mistake and I’m so sorry and if i could tell my 6 year old self, I would’ve made you mine right there and then.” Looking into his empty eyes, it broke your heart. “I know it doesn’t make sense, and i fucked up beyond repair but... I love you y/n and I still want you.” Tears started streaming down his face and you felt so guilty that tears started to well in your eyes. In that moment, Jungkook grabbed your wrist, you excelled forward and he pressed his lips against yours; and just as you were about to give into the temptation of melting into the kiss, he pulled away. “I’m not going to keep you any longer.” He muttered, but held you a little longer. “Goodnight my love.” He whispered before he walked away. You bit the inside of your lip as you watched his back disappear into the night.

-

You groaned as you opened the front door to the apartment, tossing your bag and Hana’s gifted wine on the couch. The walk home was miserable. You were more confused with how you felt for either of them.

“Jimin?” You called out, but was met with silence. You got your phone out and realised you had 5 missed calls and 14 texts from him. At least he didn’t just leave… Still you were overwhelmed with incoming feelings, you flopped onto your bed, you felt as if you could just bawl for hours just to release everything. You wanted to scream at how confusing and fucked up things were. You shot a text at Jimin saying you were home and if he could come back after Jaebum’s ‘guy’s night’, you took of your coat and threw it onto the floor, but it landed with a slight thud that made you jump slightly. The only thing in your jacket was your phone. Curiousity flooded your sense so you jumped up and fished something out of your pocket.

It was a small gift-bag labelled:

It was meant for yesterday - kook

-

Hana POV.

Hana had worried about you getting home, on her walk to the bar. She had just gotten out of one uniform and wasn’t at all excited to jump into a new one. The laid back buzz of the bar lifted her spirits slightly, as she entered, the overall decoration and atmosphere was surprisingly relaxed than what you would expect from a normal one. is this like high class level for a bar?

“Hana Kim?”

She nodded as she turned to the voice, finding Minah leaning over the bar counter.

“You’re late.”

She was taken back by Minah’s bratty attitude. It’s literally 7:17. i was 2 minutes late. For matter of first impressions and the sake of actually keeping the job, she answered with,

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, don’t be late again.” Minah snapped. I’m going to kill her… Hana thought as she put up a tight lipped smile and nodded.

“Here’s your uniform, change in the staff toilets for today, but we expect you to show up in that. okay?”

And again… because her mother had taught her ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’... she just smiled and nodded.

-

The uniform wasn’t anything special, but it was formal: a white collared shirt, dress pants, black suspenders and a gold name badge. She fixed her hair and re-touched on her makeup before hanging her stuff up in the cloakroom and finally finding her place behind the bar counter.

It wasn’t long till Minah came back from serving a table, coming back to train her on how to make different cocktails, where the different glasses were kept, which tables were where and more on the job.

“Got it all.” Minah smiled, more out of common courtesy, but it was easily readable in her eyes that she did not like Hana one bit.

“Yeah, thank you.” there came the tight lipped smile again.

“Any questions, just come find me.” Minah added before slipping away to a table. As if… Hana rolled her eyes as she walked back to her place at the bar counter.

“Can I get a- Oh my god, Hana.”

She looked up to find Jimin with a half smile and half surprised look on his face.

“Hey.” She smiled back.

“You work here now? What happened to The Mocha Lab barista job with y/n?”

“That’s for the daytime, i work here at-”

“Jimin hi!” Minah sang, shoving herself in front of you. Where the fuck did she come from? she was all the way at the other side of the room??. Hana internally laughed at the scene. “What can I get you~” Minah carried on. This is disgusting, Hana thought, backing up, it was clear Minah didn’t want her there.

“Um Hana’s already getting me a whiskey on the rocks thanks.” Jimin replied, making Hana stop with Minah shooting daggers at her.

“Hana… darling.” darling? “Could you get some more Whiskey glasses from the back?” Although it may have sounded nice, her stare made it seem like an order. Hana glanced down and saw a whole row of Whiskey glasses by Minah’s knees. But to avoid anything happening, she just did as she was told.

Hana came back with a tray of Whiskey glasses and placed them on the counter by Minah.

“Oh my bad, I forgot we had a whole row of them…” Minah faked laughed, making Hana sick… “Just stack them with the rest.”

“Where’s Jimin?” Hana asked, hiding her sarcasm, sounding like she actually want to start a conversation, whilst she organised the decorative glasses.

“Back there with his friends.” Minah replied ogling at the table in the far right corner. “we’re like a thing.”

Hana wanted to burst out laughing… Jimin was with you (well ish) only one boy makes that mistake and that just so happened to be Jungkook already. Jimin wouldn’t ever.

“Really…” Hana gasped, secretly enjoying the fact Minah was oblivious to the fact Hana knew everything. Hana stood up again from crouching, readying her phone in her pocket to sneak off and tell you everything. “I need the loo, excuse me.” and when Minah nodded, she was off.

Hana rushed into the bathroom ringing you. Pick up, pick up, pick up, this is so funny…

“I’m sorry but the person you’re calling-”

Hana sulked as she tried again, but with no answer, she contemplated texting you but wanted to wait to tell you in person to see your reaction.

She walked back to the bar, surprised to find Minah not there.

Where’d she go?

And that’s when Hana heard her shrill giggle. She looked to where it came from and fell gob-smacked at the sight.

Hana didn’t want to believe it, but seeing the way Jimin’s arms wrapped around Minah’s figure as they kissed, Hana raised her phone…

To y/n:

image_032

a/n: WHAT DID I JUST DO. I HATE MYSELF... 

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!!

RE-BLOG AND LIKE FOR PART 6

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE, PATIENCE AND SUPPORT <3

and of course: stay horny, stay shook, and stay safe ;)

eliza out

-e 

jq