#id spend weeks getting over something... weeks... ive minimized it to days... Hours.

[dog-girl-zezora]

just had a friend ask me how ive been and im like, realizing how the past month has been the funniest Shit show of my life LMFAO

[naturallytom]

Great Perhaps (Peter Parker x reader)

a/n: this is by far the longest oneshot ive ever written (10,292 words babey!!) but i really love how this turned out!! i hope u enjoy!! just a few notes; 1) this is based off looking for alaska so it’ll loosely follow the premise of it but it’s not exactly the same, 2) i don’t have a taglist so any & all posts will be tagged ‘oneshot: great perhaps’!! 3) endgame never happened in this lmao

warnings: language, making out, underage drinking, mentions/descriptions of bad mental health, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions/descriptions of death, grief, sadness™

please reblog/leave feedback!! 

moodboard/teaser

102 days before (8/24/19) Peter groaned, wiping the sweat off his forehead. Stacking up the last of the boxes, he sighed, grabbing the water bottle from his now empty dresser and gulping it all down. Leaving his room, he entered the kitchen where May was, making dinner for Peter’s last night home. “Hey May. Is dinner ready?” Peter asked, sweat drenching his clothes. “Not yet, go take a shower!” May grinned, knowing that’s exactly what Peter was going to ask. “Awesome, thanks May.” Peter replied, heading off to the bathroom. He tried not to think about not seeing Ned or MJ for a while, at least until Thanksgiving. MJ was going to NYU and Ned was taking a gap year to travel, but planned his travels so he’d be home for Thanksgiving to see his best friend. He felt the lukewarm water making contact with his skin, Peter sighing in relief. With the late August heat, warm showers felt like hell, but cold showers were still uncomfortable so Peter was stuck trying to compromise. It had been nearly a year since Peter got out of the soul stone. The months had been long, filled with therapy and nightmares, but he had made incredible progress and was ready to leave New York to go to a new state and get a fresh start at Massachusetts Institute of Technology. He hopped out of the shower, throwing on some sweats and an old shirt, before joining May in the kitchen. “Perfect timing, dinner’s ready!” May smiled, Peter sitting down as May served him spaghetti and meatballs with a side of salad. “I bet you’re hungry, been packing all day!” May commented, a sad smile gracing her lips. 

She was so proud of Peter, but she would miss him tremendously when he was at school. When Tony Stark knocked on her door to tell her Peter was gone, her world had ended. When he knocked on her door again, this time with a weak Peter, she hugged him so tightly Peter thought he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t mind it, though, he had felt so empty in the soul stone it was nice to feel contact with someone else again. Peter didn’t even have to apply to MIT, Tony knew what an extraordinary kid Peter was and when Peter said he wanted to go to Massachusetts for college, he used his connections to hook him up with a full ride when him and May were sure the nightmares had stopped, or at least weren’t happening as frequently. “Yeah. I mean you were too, but you got a break.” Peter teased, May feigning offense. “To make you dinner!” Peter chuckled, taking another bite of his favorite meal. After dinner, Peter helped May clean up. “You’re not gonna go back to your room just yet, right? Gonna stay out here for a bit?” May asked quietly, thinking of all the times in the days and weeks after Peter’s return that he shut May out, often returning to his room immediately after dinner without saying a word. As the months and therapy went on, Peter began opening up more and spending more time with May again. “Yeah.” He nodded, seeing her smile and pull out a DVD. “Anchorman.” She smiled. “Figured we could both use some comedy.” Peter grinned, seeing her pull out ice cream as well. “I got some ice cream, figured we could have a little movie night before you go.” She offered, Peter getting the ice cream scooper out. “Just like old days, yeah?” “Just like old days.” - The next morning, Peter woke up with a pit in his stomach. He was so ready to get a fresh start, but he was leaving his home. He was leaving May, Ned, MJ. “Honey? Ned is here!” May called, knocking on Peter’s door, before opening it and letting Ned in, who couldn’t get more than two feet with the boxes everywhere. “Hey man.” Peter greeted, getting out of bed. “Hey Peter, I know you’re leaving soon, but I wanted to stop by and say goodbye. Again.” He said, his voice cracking. “Aw man, it’s okay. I’ll be back before you know it!” Peter comforted his best friend, giving him a hug. “Yeah, but, I’ll miss you.” Ned whispered. “I’ll miss you too. Facetime me?” Peter asked, his voice low. “Yeah. Yeah of course. Good luck, man. Go save the world.” Ned smiled sadly, giving Peter one last hug before Peter walked him out. “Well, Peter. Today’s the day.” May sighed. “How do you feel?” “Nervous. ‘M scared to leave you. But I’m excited.” He answered honestly, chuckling when May pulled him into a tight hug. “I love you, you know that right? A-And you can always call me. Or Tony. He may get to you faster but both of us are here for you.” She rambled, the tears she had built up finally spilling over. “It’s okay, May, I know. I’ll call you a lot, I promise.” Peter comforted. May pulled away, cupping her nephew’s cheeks and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Let’s go pack the car, okay? We have a long drive.” - After a three hour and twenty eight minute drive, May was finally pulling up to MIT. “Why don’t you go to your residence hall and check in? I’ll wait here and see if we can park here or if I have to move.” May suggested, Peter nodding in response. He hesitated before he opened the car door and heading over to his residence hall. “Hey! Welcome to MIT, what’s your name?” The student asked. “P-Peter. Peter Parker.” He answered. “You’re on the second floor. 218.” The student smiled, handing Peter his ID. “Thanks.” Peter mumbled, before going out to find May, when someone approached him. “Hey, you Peter Parker?” He asked. Peter nodded in confusion. “I’m Thomas, your roommate. I just heard you check in.” Thomas introduced, extending his hand, Peter shaking it. “Hey- have you heard about a girl? Supposedly her name’s y/n, she knows one of my friends, Oliver. I’m sure she’s nice but apparently she’s super well known.” Tom told Peter, who shook his head. “No I haven’t. Hey, Thomas-” “Call me Tom!” Tom interrupted. “Alright, Tom! I’m gonna go find my aunt, I’ll see you back here.” Peter told him, earning a nod from his roommate. Peter made his way back to May, who had already began unpacking. “Peter! You all checked in?” May asked, wiping some sweat from her forehead. “Yeah. Met my roommate too. Said something about a girl named y/n who knows his friend Oliver.” Peter relayed the information Tom told him to his aunt while helping her unpack the boxes. “Hopefully they’re nice, honey.” “Yeah, I can’t wait to meet them.” - Hours later and Peter was moved in with Tom and all of them were drenched in sweat. Tom and his parents had gone to see what the rest of the evening entailed, while May and Peter hung out in the dorm. “Alright well, you’re moved in. Anything else you need?” May asked. “Maybe we should see where the counseling center is. You know, just incase.” Peter said, May nodding. “Of course, honey. Then let’s get some food.” She said, putting her hands on her nephew’s shoulders. The pair had found the counseling center, before going to get food. They ate with minimal conversation, neither of them wanting to say the one word they had to, though May would be staying in a nearby hotel because of the long drive. Eventually, the time had come and the two had to part. “Promise me you’ll call me if you need anything? You know I’m right up the street for tonight and my phone is always on incase you need me and you have Tony’s number- Oh! Let me give you Ned’s mom’s number in case you ever want to talk to her instead and-” “May, May, I promise I’ll call. I’ll be okay, yeah?” Peter promised, placing his hands on her shoulders. She pulled him into a hug, Peter tucking his head into May’s neck, a habit he had picked up since he returned. “See you tomorrow, goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you so much.” May whispered against his forehead before placing a kiss there. “I love you too, have a good night.” Peter responded. - Opening his dorm, he was met with his roommate on his laptop. “Hey Peter.” Tom greeted. “Hey Tom.” Peter responded, getting a bag ready to go take a shower. “Listen, when you get back, I think we should get to know each other.” Tom told him. Peter groaned internally. He didn’t feel like recalling his time in the soul stone tonight. He never did, but especially not tonight. He wanted to sleep peacefully, without nightmares brought on by those memories. “Yeah, uh, sounds good.” Peter responded, before heading to the showers. When he returned, Tom was still there, still clicking away on his computer. “So where ya from?” Tom asked him. “Queens. You?” ‘I’m from Providence. It’s in Rhode Island. What are you majoring in?” He replied. Peter put his things away, hopping onto his bed. He hoped Tom didn’t bring up the Avengers or what happened after he returned at all that night. “Brain and cognitive science with a minor in biology. How about you?” Peter responded, opening his phone to see a text from May, saying that she missed him already. Peter’s friends and family were surprised when he said he wanted to major in brain and cognitive science and minor in biology. They were sure he’d do chemistry or engineering of some sort. The other person who wasn’t surprised was Tony, but that was because Peter told him. After nearly a year of dealing with anxiety, numbness, and PTSD, Peter told Tony that he wanted to study what goes on in the human brain so he could figure out what what was wrong with him. Tony told him the symptoms he was continually experiencing were quite common, and to try not to think of it as there was something was something wrong with him, rather that he was in the process of healing and that it takes time. Peter wasn’t convinced, but accepted the explanation. “Nuclear science and engineering.” Tom told him, Peter muttering a “that’s cool” before turning his attention back to his phone to reply to May. “So you haven’t heard of her? Y/N?” Tom asked, breaking the silence. “No, why?” Peter replied, confused as to why Tom was so hung up on her. Maybe it was his ex, maybe it was his crush. Whatever the case, Peter didn’t see the big deal. “I guess we’ll find out a little later in the week. She’s friends with my friend and he said she’s cool but kinda shady.” Tom said, still typing away on his computer while Peter, though it was early, went to sleep, hoping he had a peaceful sleep. - Peter woke up at 6 am the next morning. He didn’t have any nightmares, but he didn’t sleep great. Maybe it was the feeling of anxiety he felt the entire night, maybe it was because it wasn’t his own bed from home. He grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt, heading to the bathroom to change and wash his face. Glancing in the mirror, Peter sighed. He had no sense of identity anymore, before he could say he was Spiderman, a hero, a kid genius. Now he felt as if his experience in the soul stone was his identity and it was filled with an empty hole. He splashed some water on his hair, trying to get his curls looking at least decent before leaving the bathroom. - “Okay honey. Time for me to go.” May said, holding Peter at arms length. Her voice cracked when she spoke, making tears fill up in Peter’s eyes as he nodded. “I love you. Please call. And no drugs or alcohol, please. If you’re gonna drink do it responsibly. I don’t want to get a phone call saying you’re in the hospital for drug or alcohol related accidents.” She cried, pulling her nephew in for a tight hug. Peter nodded into her shoulder. “I love you too.” He muttered, wiping his eyes. “I’ll see you soon, yeah?” May said, assuring both of them. “Yeah. Have a safe trip home.” He told her, making her nod. “I’ll text you when I get home, alright?” She smiled sadly. Peter once again nodded wordlessly, giving her one last hug before he watched her get into the car and drive off. “Hey! Peter!” He heard. Wiping his eyes, he turned around to see Tom standing there with another guy and a girl. “Hey man this is my friend Oliver and the girl I told you about. This is y/n.” **Peter had never seen a girl so beautiful. She was radiant and her beauty was so effortless. Everything seemed to move in slow motion when she moved, her hair blowing gently in the late summer breeze behind her. “Hey. I’m y/n.” She introduced, holding out her hand. Peter was frozen, captivated by her before he finally placed his hand in hers, shaking it gently. “P-Peter. I’m Peter.” He stammered. She smiled and Peter swore the sun got a little brighter. “C’mon. I’ll introduce you to some friends.” She offered, Peter smiling and following her. They made their way to an empty classroom, where there was a group of people all sat in empty desks. “Geez y/n we thought you wouldn’t show up.” One of them said, Y/N rolling her eyes. “Oh be quiet you know how I am.” She replied, a smile on her face. “She’s right.” A softer voice giggled. “Peter these are my friends. Simon, Charlotte and Paige. You already know Thomas and Oliver. Everyone, this is Peter. He’s Tom’s roommate.” y/n introduced. Everyone nodded and smiled, Peter returning the gestures as they sat down. “Simon and Paige are dating and Charlotte and Oliver are dating. I’m sure Tom would’ve told you by now if he was taken.” She grinned, Tom rolling his eyes. “Hey I’m trying, okay? College is supposed to be full of cute girls.” Tom pouted. “We haven’t even started classes! We only just moved in today!” Paige pointed out. “How could you possibly be trying?” “Hey y/n why don’t you tell us your relationship status since you’re roasting Tom about his!” Oliver interrupted, his arm around Charlotte, who giggled. y/n raised her hands in surrender, a soft smile on her lips. “It’s complicated.” She answered, winking at Peter, who blushed. - Peter spent most of the day with his new group of friends, getting to know each of them and each of them getting to know Peter. They knew he was Spiderman and that he returned from the soul stone, but respected him when he said he didn’t want to talk about his return or experience in the soul stone and didn’t bring it up. The group decided to get dinner before going their separate ways to prepare for the first day of classes the next day. “So you like her? y/n?” Tom asked as him and Peter entered their room. “Hm? Yeah. Yeah she’s nice.” He replied, reaching into his pocket to get his phone to text May. To his surprise, when he opened the message app, y/n had texted him, asking him if he wanted to get lunch the next day. Peter was confused. This was sent to only him, not the group chat they had made. “I’m going to take a shower!” Tom told Peter. Peter nodded, telling him he was gonna go take a walk around campus and familiarize himself with the layout. - The summer night air felt nice against Peter’s skin. It wasn’t too hot, like it was earlier. But it wasn’t too cold, like Peter knew it would get as summer transitioned into fall. Looking up to the sky, Peter smiled when he wasn’t able to see a few constellations and stars against the navy blue with a hint of pink and yellow sky. “Peter?” A voice called. “That you?” Peter turned around, seeing y/n. “Hey.” He smiled. “Mind if I join you?” She asked, Peter shaking his head. “Not at all.” This time it was her turn to smile, her eyes sparkling under the minimal light from the building they were in front of and the moonlight. “So how do you know so many people already?” “Orientation.” She responded as the pair walked. “We all met at orientation and clicked right away.” “That’s really nice.” Peter replied honestly, y/n nodding in agreement. “So what else is there to know about you, Peter?” y/n asked. “I dunno. Not much really.” Peter shrugged. “Are you single or taken?” Peter felt his face heat up at the question. “Single. Why?” He answered, making her shrug. “‘M curious.” She told him, glancing at him. “Ever kissed anyone?” Peter shook his head. “Hm. I thought you would’ve by now, you’re cute.” She said, grinning when he blushed. “You know, it’s okay to struggle sometimes.” Peter’s eyes widened. “How did you-” “I saw you going to the counseling center with your mom.” She cut him off, making him nod. “I may go sometimes. I wanted to check it out. You were just there at the same time.” “My aunt.” She looked at him questioningly. “I was with my aunt. Both of my parents died when I was younger.” He told her, answering the question she didn’t ask but Peter knew she would ask. “My dad died when I was young. ‘S just me and my mom.” She said. “I’m sorry. It sucks.” Peter spoke, making her nod enthusiastically in agreement. “The stars look so pretty at night.” She hummed, looking at the night sky decorated with the stars. “You like space, Peter?” “Not really.” He winced. “The stars do look nice, though.” “They do.” She sighed. “I love astronomy. I think it’s so interesting and space is so beautiful.” “I’m more of a chem person.” Peter answered simply, earning a ‘valid’ in response. “Well. I better get going. Classes tomorrow.” She grunted, pulling herself off the grass, Peter following her movements. “Well, it was nice talking to you.” Peter said. “Yup. I wanna do it again sometime.” She told him, grinning when he blushed again. “Do you mind if I kiss you?” She asked, taking Peter by surprise. “What? Is-isn’t your relationship status complica-” Peter was cut off by her lips on his cheek in a kiss that was over almost as quickly as it started. “I’m a complicated girl.” She winked. “See you tomorrow!” She called as she walked back to her dorm. As Peter walked back to his, his mind was reeling with what happened. He wondered why she wanted to kiss him, even if it was only on the cheek and why her relationship status was complicated. He wondered why she said she was complicated. Peter wanted those answers but coming from his own experience, he hated when people asked about personal things he didn’t want to talk about. His mind wandered to the interest he picked up after he returned: quotes. More specifically, last words. He loved regular quotes, ones that inspired him each and every day but since he became dwelling on his own last words, his focus shifted to last words. He became replaying his last words ‘I’m sorry,’ over and over again in the soul stone, wondering if anyone besides Tony knew his last words and if they made an impact on anyone. His favorite that he found was by Richard Feynman. He said “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” Peter hoped he wouldn’t die again for a long time or lose someone close to him. For Peter, death was more than boring. Death was emptiness; it was a void that was never filled no matter how much Peter yelled, screamed or cried in the soul stone. He hoped nobody would ever feel that way. It never occurred to him that someone might be feeling that way while they were alive. 71 Days before (9/24/19) It was nearly a month into the semester and Peter was slowly but surely adjusting to college life. It had taken him a little while to get used to waking up in a place that wasn’t his apartment in New York and in the beginning, Peter found himself waking up in a panic some days because the thought of ‘what if I’m back in the soul stone?’ made its way up to the front of his head and manifested itself in his thoughts. Since it was nearly a month into the semester, midterms were coming up. Students all over campus were panicking about midterm grades and exams, as well as the occasional midterm project. Peter and his group of friends had been spending lots of time in the library, prepping for exams. Peter was most worried for his cellular and molecular neurobiology midterm. He understood the information, it was just a lot of information. Plus, he had three other exams to worry about. Despite the stress that came with midterms, Peter had enjoyed getting to know his new group of friends, particularly y/n. He still thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and she intrigued him. She was closed off and reserved, yet was so open about other things. She barely had to study but got all As on her assignments. She was spontaneous, yet planned out things like getting lunch or dinner. She was an Anthropology and Humanities double major, a combination that would stress most people out to no end, but not her. Peter got lunch with her often, if he wasn’t eating with her, he was eating with Tom or the whole group was eating together. They laughed and joked around and most of the time on the weekends, they preferred to go to someone’s room, make a ton of popcorn and watch a movie rather than go to a party, though they did go to the occasional party and make fun of who was the funniest while drunk. While the weather was still nice, Peter found himself studying outside in the quad, looking over his google doc of notes and diagrams while listening to spotify-made playlist. He usually made his own, but since coming back, he found he barely had the energy or creative motivation to make new playlists. “Let me guess. Studying for cellular and molecular neurobiology.” A familiar voice interrupted the instrumental music playing softly in his headphones. Taking them off, he was greeted with y/n sitting across from him, smiling softly. He paused his music, putting his headphones away before turning to her. “How’d you know?” He chuckled. “‘S what you’re always studying for. Do you even study for your other exams?” She teased, making Peter roll his eyes, though he couldn’t ignore the way his heartbeat sped up. “Have you studied for any of your exams?” He retaliated, making her feign offense. “I have, actually! I studied a solid hour for my intro to anthropology exam!” She replied. “Wow I’m shocked.” Peter laughed. “Are you here to study or did you just want to come tell me that you studied for one exam?” “Wow, Parker. Wanna get rid of me that badly?” “F course not. If I wanted you gone so badly, I would’ve asked you leave ages ago.” He chuckled, earning another eye roll. “Listen, midterms are over on Friday for both of us.” She started, Peter nodding. “Wanna do something fun Friday night?” “Like what?” Peter asked, curious as to what she had in mind. “Dunno.” She shrugged. “Like a party or something.” “Yeah sure. Um, is everyone else going?” Peter felt his heartbeat pick up again as y/n shook her head. “Nah. Pretty sure some of them got midterms on Monday. Besides, I think we should be able to have a night to ourselves. Don’t ya think?” She asked him, eyes wide and sparkling under the fall sunlight. “Yeah. Yeah for sure.” He answered nervously. “Cool! I’ll text you on Friday to tell you the details!” She spoke enthusiastically, getting up from the table, giving Peter a wave before heading off in the direction of their res hall. - Friday was here before Peter knew it and while the thought of his exam was all he could think about at first, after he finished his exam, he felt himself getting nervous about going out with y/n. Was it a date? Did she like him? Did he like her? His thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating, signaling he got a text. Checking his phone, he saw it was from y/n, telling him to swing by her dorm around 8 to head over to the party she had decided on. He replied, telling her that sounded like a good plan, before checking the time. 5:30 pm. He sighed before texting Tom to see if he wanted to get dinner. Tom replied quickly, telling Peter that sounds good and to meet him in the dining hall. Peter made his way to the dining hall, seeing Tom walking up to the entrance. “Tom!” Peter called, waving at his roommate from a few feet away. Tom paused and waited for Peter, greeting him with a pat on the shoulder. The pair headed inside, asking each other about their days and if they had any exams and if they did, how they went. The conversation was mundane until they finally sat down with their food. “So do you have any plans for tonight?” Tom asked. “Uh, yeah. y/n and I are gonna go to a party.” Peter responded, seeing Tom tense up. “Just you and her?” Tom asked, Peter nodding. “She said it’s to celebrate finals being over for us.” He replied, Tom sighing. “Is there something going on between the two of you?” Tom looked at Peter, hoping he’d tell the truth. “I dunno. Don’t think so.” Peter muttered. “Do you want there to be something between the two of you?” Peter only shrugged at this question, the two of them eating in near silence before they headed back to their room. Peter got ready fairly quickly, letting Tom know when he was planning on leaving to go get y/n. “Be careful, man.” Tom cautioned. “Yeah I will, don’t worry.” Peter responded casually. “No I mean with y/n. You don’t know her.” Tom warned, Peter mumbling a response before leaving. Peter knocked on y/n’s door, smiling when she swung open the door. “Ready to go?” She asked, Peter nodding. “Where are we going?” Peter asked, curious as to what party she had found. “Just a frat party on campus should be fun.” She replied, leading the way to the party. They arrived in a few minutes, y/n greeting the boy at the door, briefly introducing Peter before dragging him to the kitchen where the drinks were, grabbing shots glasses, pouring alcohol into one and handing it to Peter. “What is this?” Peter asked as y/n finished her first shot. “Vodka. Drink.” She instructed, taking another shot. Peter did as she told, nearly vomiting at the feeling of the alcohol running down his throat. She poured him another, and another, and another until they were both drunk enough to let loose, but not enough to blackout. Don’t Tell ‘Em played hazily in the background, Peter and y/n dancing as well as they could with the alcohol in their system. When My First Kiss came on, y/n turned around to face Peter, throwing her arms around his neck. “You’ve never been kissed before, right?” She asked, Peter shaking his head. “Perfect.” Next thing he knew, her lips were on his in a messy kiss, her hands cupping his cheeks while his made their way to her waist. Peter knew in the back of his mind that they would have too talk about this at some point, but between her lips on his and the alcohol in his veins, he couldn’t find it in himself to care and pushed the thought away to deal with it another day. 50 days before (10/15/19) It had just about been a month since Peter and y/n went to the frat party and they hadn’t talked about what had happened. Peter brought it up to her briefly, but y/n had brushed it off as being and it not meaning anything. Peter couldn’t lie, that hurt, but he tried to ignore it. That worked for a while, he was able to ignore the butterflies he got in his stomach when she was around and the way his heart beat faster when she walked in the room. But then they kissed again. And again. And again. Currently, she was sat on Peter’s lap, both of them fully engrossed in a messy kiss, her hands cupping his cheeks, his resting softly on her waist. “Hey,” He mumbled as she pulled away. “Can I ask you something?” “You just did.” She replied, her eyes still focused on his swollen lips. “What are we? What is this?” He asked, gesturing to the space between them. “We’re friends, Peter.” She muttered. “Friends don’t kiss. At least not the way we do.” He replied. “Fuck, Peter. We’re just fucking friends.” y/n groaned, climbing off his lap. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. If you wanna be just friends, we can be just friends.” Peter soothed, as much as it hurt him. “Good. We’re just friends.” She grumbled, turning away from the door. Peter sat down on his bed, allowing her to climb right back onto his lap, Peter brushing some of her hair out of her face. “You’re really pretty.” He sighed, earning an eye roll from her. “Shut up and kiss me.” She mumbled, pressing her lips to his. Their kiss was interrupted when Tom walked in, immediately groaning and covering his eyes. “Jesus can you two get a room?” He grumbled, putting his stuff. “Technically, we did.” y/n giggled, making Peter smile and Tom roll his eyes before y/n turned back to Peter. “I better get going.” She climbed off his lap once again, this time Peter following her, watching as she put her shoes on, before giving Peter one last kiss and leaving. “Sure there’s nothing going on between you two?” Tom asked, sitting down at his desk and taking out his computer. “Nope. She says we’re just friends.” Peter insisted, taking out some homework to work on. “Well what do you say?” Peter shifted uncomfortably under his roommate’s gaze. “I say…whatever she wants to be, that’s what we’ll be.” Peter responded. “I’m telling you, man. You gotta be careful. She’s playing you.” Tom warned. “I’ve talked to Paige and Simon and they said that y/n told them she’s been hooking up with some frat boy on campus.” Peter felt his heart clench at the revelation, but didn’t say anything, rather, put some music on and focused on his homework, even though it was Saturday and he’d much rather be reading a book or playing video games. The next day, Peter went to y/n’s room, where rather than make out, y/n just wanted to talk. “What d’you want to talk about?” Peter asked nervously, y/n shrugging as she let him into her room. “Anything and everything.” She replied, laying down on her bed, motioning for Peter to join her. “What’s something no one knows about you?” Peter thought for a minute before responding. “I, uh, kind of got interested in last words and quotes about death after I came back.” “Why?” y/n asked, looking up at Peter. “I don’t know. I guess I had just had so much time to reflect on mine before I came back, I just wanted to know what other people had to say.” “That’s fair.” She replied. “What was it like?” “What was what like?” Peter answered nervously, knowing she meant being in the soul stone, but wanting to hear her say it. “Being in the soul stone.” She told him, making the knot in Peter’s stomach grow tighter. “Um,” He sighed. “It was really dark. And empty. And cold. No matter how much I yelled or screamed, no one heard me.” “Do you think that’s what it’s like when we die?” She asked, looking up at her ceiling. “Yeah. I think that’s exactly what it’s like when we die.” Peter told her honestly. “Wow.” She sighed. “Yeah. Wow.” Peter felt her move to lay down on his chest. “Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?” “Nope. I was planning on staying here. That’s far away, though.” She replied. “Really? Not going home?” He asked, surprised. “Nah. Going home is hell for me. I’d be going home to a loveless house.” “You could come to my apartment.” Peter offered, making her look up at him yet again, this time her eyes full of surprise and hope. “Really?” “Yeah I could ask my aunt. ‘M sure she wouldn’t mind, though. Especially given your circumstances.” He assured her. “Wow, uh, yeah, sure Peter! I’d love that.” y/n grinned, cuddling back into his chest. The two of them laid in silence for a little bit before Peter decided to confront y/n with what Tom had told him the day before. “Hey y/n?” He asked. When he got no reply, he looked down to find the girl fast asleep on his chest. He smiled, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead, deciding that asking her about who she was hooking up with could wait for another day. - It wasn’t until Wednesday of the next week that Peter could ask y/n about what Tom had told him. “Hey y/n? Can I talk to you about something?” He asked, sitting next to her on a picnic table outside in between classes. “Sure. What’s up?” She replied, looking up from her anthropology book. “Uh, someone told me that you were hooking up with a frat boy on campus. Is, um, that true?” He scratched the back of his neck, something he did when he was nervous. “Yup.” She replied. “So what am I?” Peter couldn’t help himself asking. “What are you? Peter you’re my friend. We’ve been over this.” She groaned. “y/n you’re just using me.” Peter snapped. “Yeah, and? I don’t date, Peter. You should know this by now.” y/n replied, both of them getting frustrated. “Okay so you don’t date. But you’re leading me on and hooking up with other guys in your free time!” “Not my fault you fell for me, Peter. And if you seriously can’t deal with me simply making out with you and nothing else, maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore.” She spoke harshly. “I’m not gonna keep hurting myself to please you.” Peter mumbled softly after a moment of silence.

“Okay. Bye, then.” She waved him off, turning back to whatever she was doing, while Peter walked away, unsure of how this would affect everyone else in their friend group. 

20 days before (11/14/19) Barely a month had passed since the fight between Peter and y/n. Tom, Paige, and Simon supported Peter and his argument while Charlotte and Oliver favored y/n’s side. The group all hung out together, but there was an unspoken tension in the air that was splitting them apart. Thanksgiving was coming up, but with Thanksgiving, came finals soon after. All the students kept this in the back of their minds, but still looked forward to their few days off. Peter had texted May briefly, but hadn’t called her in a while or told her what really happened between him and y/n. He was in the middle of doing homework when he felt his phone vibrating, prompting him to pick up and check, seeing an incoming call from May. “Hello?” He answered. “Hey honey! How are you?” May asked cheerily. “‘M okay, just doing homework.” Peter responded. “Yeah? How are your classes going?” May’s voice softened when she heard her nephew’s soft voice. “Good. They’re good.” He told her, almost sensing the frown on the other side of the phone. “And you, Peter? How are you doing?” May asked again. “‘M doing okay.” He told her, hearing her sigh. “Peter, sweetheart, you can be honest with me.” May told him. “Are you going to the counseling center?” “No, I don’t need to. ‘M not having nightmares.” Peter replied honestly. “Well that’s great honey, but you don’t sound like you’re doing alright mentally.” May pointed out, Peter sighing. “It’s a long story, May.” He nearly whispered. “I got into a fight with one of my friends.” “Aw sweetie I’m sorry. You wanna talk about it?” She asked sympathetically. Peter shook his head, forgetting that May couldn’t see him. “No, ‘s okay. I’ll tell you about it over Thanksgiving.” He responded, “Okay honey. I can’t wait to see you again.” She smiled. “Can’t wait to see you too, May. ‘M excited to come home.” He breathed. As much as he loved college, he was getting homesick. “Good. I’m glad. I miss you, Peter.” May told him. “Miss you too, May.” Peter sighed. “I’ll let you get back to your homework now. Love you, Peter.” May smiled. “Love you too, May. See you soon.” Peter said, hanging up and putting his phone down. He did a couple more problems before he was interrupted by Tom coming into the room. “Hey man.” Tom greeted, taking out one of his earphones. “How were your classes today?” “I mean they were good but I’m so tired. I could fall asleep right now.” Peter chuckled. “Oh same. I just wanna sleep.” Tom replied. “Early night tonight?” “If I can finish these problems.” Peter laughed. “Did you wanna get dinner tonight?” Tom nodded. “Wanna go soon?” Peter felt his stomach growl. “Yeah. For sure.” “Cool. I think I’m gonna take a quick shower and then we can go?” Tom suggested. “Sounds good.” Peter told his roommate, who gathered his stuff before heading to the bathroom. Peter watched as Tom walked out before turning his attention back to his homework, trying to concentrate. His mind however, filled with thoughts of y/n. Even though they had fought and even though she hurt him, he still couldn’t stop thinking of her. To Peter, y/n was the prettiest girl he had ever met. The thoughts of her were still enough to give him butterflies and make his heart beat a little faster. He wished they hadn’t fought. He wished he could still be with her but as her boyfriend. His thoughts were interrupted by Tom coming in, towel drying his hair as soon as the door closed. “Ready to go?” Tom asked Peter, who nodded. “Yeah.” He responded quietly, making Tom look at him with concern. “You okay, man?” Tom checked, Peter nodding slowly. “Yeah. ‘M fine.” He muttered. Tom didn’t think Peter was fine, but he dropped it. If there was one thing he learned about Peter since meeting him, it was that Peter would open up if and when he was ready, but not to pry.

7 days before (11/28/2019) “I think you should talk to her.” May told her nephew at Thanksgiving dinner. Just like previous years, it was just the two of them enjoying a meal they made together. “What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?” Peter asked quietly, taking a bite of turkey. “Sweetheart it’s thanksgiving. Didn’t you say she wasn’t going home for the holiday? She’s probably all by herself at school. Give her a call.” May responded. Peter sighed, knowing she was right. He smiled softly, letting his aunt know he would call y/n when dinner was over. The two finished their meal with Peter telling May all about school and how classes were going and which finals he was most worried about. When they were done, May excused Peter to give y/n a call rather than help her with dishes like she usually insisted he do. “Are you sure?” He asked, May smiling and nodding in response. “It’s getting late, go call her before it gets too late.” May instructed. Peter thanked her and told her he’d be back to help her after he got off the phone. As he made his way to his room, Peter felt the pit in his stomach grow. What would he say? What would she say? He took a seat on his bed, took a deep breath, and pulled out his phone, glancing through the text messages from Mj and Ned who were both asking when they’d see him again. He made a mental note to reply to them afterwards. Dialing her number, he shakily brought the phone to his ear while it rang. The more the phone rang, the more nervous Peter got. The phone rang and rang and rang and eventually Peter thought she wouldn’t pick up until- “Hello?” “y/n?” Peter asked, shocked she picked up. “Peter.” She responded simply. “Um, Happy Thanksgiving.” He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “Happy Thanksgiving. You at home?” She asked, Peter nodding even though she couldn’t see him. “Yeah, I am. Where are you?” He asked, this time she shrugged on the other side of the phone, even though he couldn’t see her. “At school.” She told him. A silence took over the pair before Peter broke it. “Hey y/n?” His voice was soft, almost a whisper. “Yeah Peter?” “‘M sorry about the fight.” He mumbled. “Me too, Peter. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She said softly. “‘S okay. I miss you.” Peter smiled sadly. “Miss you too. You coming back on Sunday?” She asked. “Yeah. Looking forward to finals.” Peter chuckled. “Shut up. Don’t remind me.” She laughed. “Wanna hang out when you get back?” “Of course.” Peter answered. “Awesome. See ya then.” She grinned. “See you then. Nice talking to you, y/n. Hope you had a nice holiday.” “You too, Peter.” And with that, they hung up, both of them relieved. Peter texted Mj and Ned back before heading back to the kitchen where May was setting up dessert. “Hey honey! How was it?” May smiled. “Good. Really good. We’re okay.” Peter answered, smiling. “Good. I’m glad.” May grinned. “Me too, May.” 1 day before (12/3/2019) y/n was in Peter and Tom’s room. The three of them were hanging out and y/n had a little too much to drink. Both boys knew she kept alcohol in her room and knew she must’ve been drinking before she sloppily knocked on their door. 

It was entertaining, though. She was rambling and telling funny stories, Peter thought she was adorable. “I can’t believe finals are soon.” She gasped suddenly, sitting up on Peter’s bed. “Came up fast, didn’t they?” Peter chuckled. “So fast. Like…like a race car on a racetrack.” She mumbled, eyes wide. “Oh my god..I’m in college!” “Pretty sure you have been for the past three months.” Tom chuckled. “Well yeah but I didn’t ever think I’d make it to college.” She responded. “Thought I’d be dead by now. Surprised I held on for so long.” Peter and Tom went silent. They knew exactly what she meant, though it was a shock to them. She was so happy and energetic, seemed like the happiest girl in the world. Neither of them suspected she was anything but happy most of the time. “Wanted to die for so fucking long.” She mumbled softly. “‘M doing better, though. I feel better.” “That’s good, y/n. Really good.” Peter told her honestly. “Won’t feel good in a few hours though.” She muttered, taking a sip of vodka from a half empty mini bottle. “Will feel sick.” “Uhh where’d you get that?” Tom asked, confusion taking over both him and Peter’s faces. “This?” She responded, holding up the mini bottle of alcohol. “Brought it over here. Want some?” Tom shook his head. “Peter?” She offered. Peter shook his head. “Well,” She shrugged. “More for me.” She continued drinking until the bottle was empty. “Peter.” She spoke, sloppily moving over to Peter, who was sitting on the floor. “Yeah y/n?” He replied. “I like you. A lot.” She giggled, resting her head on his chest. “I like you too.” He smiled. “No! No like…I like you. In a more than a friend way.” She giggled again. Peter froze, not knowing what to say or how to react. “Oh shit.” Tom mumbled. “I really do.” “y/n you’re drunk..” Peter’s voice trailed off. “Drunk words are sober thoughts, Peter.” She said softly, laying on his chest a little longer before sitting up. “I’m gonna go back to my room.” “Are you in the right condition to walk back on your own?” Peter asked. “It’s only a few doors down, Peter. I’ll be fine.” She laughed. “You sure?” Tom asked, earning a nod from y/n, who got up, stumbling slightly. “Peter, we will continue this later.” She declared, giggling before leaving their room. Peter and Tom chuckled, before getting ready for bed. Peter picked up the now empty mini vodka bottle, threw it away, turned off the lights and him and Tom went to sleep without a second thought. 

After 

Peter and Tom woke up the next morning to one of their RAs knocking on the door, announcing a hall meeting. They stepped out, choosing to simply sit in front of their doors, as most of the other sleepy students had chosen to do. “Okay guys,” one of the RAs said, their voice shaky. “Looks like everyone’s here so we’re gonna get started.” Peter glanced to his left, across from him, and to his right, but there was someone missing. y/n. “Wait!” Peter blurted out before he knew what he was doing. “y/n’s not here. should we wait for her?” The RAs glanced at each other, debating what to tell Peter. “Please?” Peter whimpered out. “Can we please just wait for her?” “We don’t usually announce things like this, especially not in this manner but since she lived on this floor, we thought this might be more appropriate. Last night y/n y/l/n was killed. She was walking around Cambridge when she was hit by a car. The driver wasn’t paying attention to the road and ran a red light. They hit her going full speed.” One of the RAs finally told the students, who gasped. “If any of you need any grieving resources, we’re here, but the school will also bring on grief counselors for anyone who needs them. There will also be an email sent out later today.” Peter didn’t hear the last bit. It felt as if he got the wind knocked out of him- the hall was spinning and he felt sick to his stomach. Tom sat there in shock, his hazel eyes filling with hot tears. “They’re lying.” Peter whimpered. “They have to be lying, Tom! We saw her last night- She can’t be dead! She went back to her room!” “I don’t think they’re lying, Peter.” Tom mumbled, hot tears spilling from his eyes. He didn’t bother wiping them away. “I don’t think she went back to her room last night.” “W-What if she’s okay, though? Maybe she’s just in the hospital or maybe…she died on impact.” Peter finished softly as reality began to set in. “She’s dead.” Tom nodded, bringing his roommate in for a tight hug in the middle of the hallway while all the other students went back to their rooms to process their emotions. “Peter? Tom?” One of their RAs approached them. “Do you guys need anything?” It was clear that they weren’t okay, but how could anyone be okay after getting news that their friend died? Peter and Tom both shook their heads. “Thanks though.” Tom told the RA who smiled sadly, giving them each a pat on the back, letting them know that they were there for them if they needed anything before they all went back to their dorms. Peter felt numb. There was no other way to describe it. He physically felt the tears falling down his cheek and the sunlight coming in through the window of his dorm, but emotionally he felt numb, as if someone froze his emotions. Tom and Peter sat on the floor of their room in silence that was broken by the occasional sniffle. Both of them sat still, allowing the tears to just run down their cheeks. 

“We have classes today.” Peter spoke quietly, standing up slowly. “Should get ready.” 

“Guess so.” Tom replied, both of them starting to get ready for the day. Unlike other mornings, the boys were silent as they got ready. There was no music that played, nor was there conversation between the two of them. They just got ready, grabbed their stuff, and went off to classes or to breakfast without a word. The rest of the day went by in a blur. Peter went from class to class in a daze, his body physically doing the actions of walking from building to building to his various classrooms, taking down notes and information he’d need to know for finals next week, but his mind was somewhere else. In his mind, y/n was alive. She was alive and thriving, making jokes and rambling about the stars and her favorite constellations. And that’s where Peter wanted his mind to be. He didn’t want it to be focused in reality and he didn’t want it going back to when he was on Titan, so his mind opted to be somewhere where y/n was happy and alive. It was a sunny day. It was sunny but that didn’t make sense to Peter because even though y/n was alive in his mind, he still saw people crying and he still heard people talking about it walking around campus. It didn’t feel like a sunny day because y/n wasn’t here with them on campus. It felt like it should be cloudy and rainy even though it was December and people would much rather prefer snow. May called him later that same evening, after she knew all his classes were done. She wanted to check up on Peter- she got the email from the school about what happened. “‘M okay, May. Really.” He told her. “Are you sure Peter? I know you guys were friends-” “Yeah. Yeah I’m sure. I have finals to worry about.” He assured his aunt, who didn’t believe for a minute that he was okay. And worry about finals is exactly what Peter did. Over the following week, he buried himself in his work, only taking a break to eat or to get a few hours of sleep. 

He seemed to be doing pretty okay on the outside. He saw his friends, he was eating and sleeping, and he felt pretty good about his finals (which, as a college student, is a rare occurrence so feeling good about finals is a different level of feeling good). 

Anyone who knew Peter, knew differently. He saw his friends- Simon, Oliver, Paige, and Charlotte, occasionally and only for a short amount of time. He was isolating and distancing himself from his friends, including Tom. They had all picked up on it. And Peter knew that on the inside, he wasn’t doing well. When he took food breaks, he ate very little. Nights were the worst. He could no longer look at the stars, they were just a reminder of y/n and she wasn’t there anymore to tell Peter if another planet was visible or if you could see the big dipper and outline it for him. He could barely sleep at night, the thoughts and nightmares keeping him up. In his nightmares he was back in the soul stone. Surrounded by darkness, completely alone. But then there was y/n, crossing a street. No matter how much he yelled and screamed, Peter would only be able to watch as a car collided with her body. So he did what he could. He went into denial, not allowing his feelings to surface and distracted himself with whatever he could. He attended the memorial service for y/n with his group of friends. As soon as it was over, he went right back to studying for his finals while his friends went to hang out and spend time with each other. Finals came and went, and soon it was time for Peter to go home. May picked him up, greeting him with a big hug and asking how finals went, followed by how he was doing. Both questions were answered with a simple, one word answer; good. May didn’t believe Peter. She noticed it pretty quickly- he was just like he was when he came back from the soul stone. Withdrawn and in denial. The pair enjoyed their holiday season and for a brief period of time, it looked like Peter genuinely was doing okay. That ended pretty quickly. Peter soon went back to spending time alone, cooped up in his room, shutting May out. It was New Year’s Eve when May called Tony. She told him what was going on with Peter, how he was exactly like he was upon return from the soul stone. Tony was worried about the kid. Grief and guilt are not easy to deal with, Tony knew that better than anyone so he told May he’d be there as soon as possible. It was 2 pm on New Year’s Eve when Tony knocked on Peter’s bedroom door. May went out to get Peter’s favorite foods for later. “May, I’m fine I told you-” “It’s not May, kid.” Tony replied. There was a pause and some shuffling before Peter opened the door, shock written on his face. “Mr. Stark? How did you-” “Your aunt called me. You wanna come out here or should I go in there?” Tony asked, glancing at the mess that was Peter’s room.

Peter wordlessly stepped out of his room, him and Tony taking a seat on the couch. Peter was, in simple terms, a mess. His eyes were red and puffy, his curls were wild and untamed, it was obvious the kid wasn’t doing well at all. 

“Why’re you here? Not that I don’t want to see you but May didn’t tell me you were stopping by.” Peter spoke, his voice hoarse. 

“She’s worried about you-” Tony started. 

“I’m fine.” “Yeah your current physical state and the state of your room really reflect that.” Tony replied sarcastically. “What’s going on, kid?” Peter paused for a moment, his eyes drifting down to his lap. “It was my fault.” He finally whispered, hot tears filling his eyes. “What was your fault?” Tony asked. “y/n’s death. She’s my friend.” Peter answered. “Er, was my friend.” “May told me about what happened. How was it your fault, Peter?” “I didn’t stop her. I didn’t walk her back to her room and make sure she was settled in. I didn’t tell her that she was too drunk to walk anywhere by herself. She said she was fine and I just believed her!” Peter muttered. “I should’ve done something. Maybe she’d be alive if I did.” “Peter, listen to me.” Tony told Peter, who had tears falling down his cheeks. “This was not your fault. You didn’t know she was going to go out after that, you believed her because she didn’t give you a reason not to. You can’t blame yourself for that. Trust me, I know what you’re feeling right now.” “No offense, Mr. Stark, but I don’t think you know anything about what I’m feeling.” Peter mumbled, a silence coming over the two of them. “Remember Titan?” Tony asked quietly, Peter closing his eyes and nodding. “When Thanos snapped?” Another nod from Peter. “Do you blame me for what happened to you?” Tony asked Peter, who shook his head furiously. “No! No absolutely not Mr. Stark! You couldn’t have known I’d be one of the ones who’d get dusted.” Peter assured Tony. “I blamed myself for so long.” Tony whispered, tears now filling his eyes. “But Mr. Stark it wasn’t your fault.” Peter told him. “I should’ve made sure you got sent home, I never should’ve let you on the spaceship. I should’ve done more to stop Thanos. I should’ve done more to save you.” Tony said. “Mr. Stark-” “Eventually I got to the point where I couldn’t live with the hypotheticals and being so totally consumed with the past.” Tony explained. “I had to move forward and accept that I did all I could.” “How long did that take?” Peter asked quietly. “Time, kid. It took time for me and it’ll take time for you. It doesn’t happen over night.” Tony smiled sadly. “Were you angry? Because..I’m really really angry.” Peter said, his voice still quiet. “What are you angry about?” Peter let out a breath before answering. “I’m angry at y/n for walking around Cambridge drunk. I-I know that’s not fair but if she just stayed in her room than maybe she’d still be here. I’m angry at the driver who ran the red light and hit her. I’m angry at the universe for taking her away.” Peter spoke, his voice getting louder until he paused and took a breath, allowing some tears to fall. “God, Mr. Stark! It’s not fair! I was happy! I was doing really well! And..and then all of a sudden she was gone! Is it me? Do I not deserve to be happy?” Tony pulled Peter into a hug, his body shaking with sobs. “That’s it, kid. Let it all out.” Tony soothed. “You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Peter cried until he thought he’d run out of tears and then more would come. Eventually, Peter pulled away from the hug, wiping his eyes. “Sorry.” He mumbled, Tony shaking his head. “Don’t be sorry, kid. This is normal.” Tony assured him. “And, uh, you deserve to be happy. Sometimes these things happen and most times, the timing sucks. It doesn’t mean that you’re being punished for anything or that you don’t deserve to be happy.” “Sure feels like it.” Peter muttered. “I know it does.” Tony paused. “Have you put on your suit?” Peter knew what he was referring to. The suit Tony made for him that Peter got in Berlin. Peter shook his head. “No. Don’t feel like a hero right now.” He told Tony. “I know you don’t. You don’t have to put it on right now.” Tony assured him. “Do..do you think I could ever be able to put the suit on?” Peter asked hesitantly. He was scared for the answer. “I do.” Tony answered confidently. “It may take some time, and that’s okay.” “How much time does this…process take?” Peter asked, earning a shrug from Tony. “It depends, kid. It comes in waves.” Tony answered honestly. Peter nodded. “Guess I should clean up my room.” He said, a small smile tugging on his lips. “Don’t worry about it, kid. Take a shower first. You need to take care of yourself first.” Tony smiled, Peter nodding. “Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Mr. Stark.” He said sincerely, going to take a shower. Tony texted May and updated her before going to Peter’s room and cleaning up what he could, at least enough for Peter to walk in it again. When Peter came out from the shower, dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, Tony could see he looked much better, even if his little curls were flopping onto his forehead. May came home as well, bags of Peter’s favorite foods and a couple movies. She gave Peter a hug, rubbing his back softly, mouthing a ‘thank you’ to Tony. Tony gave Peter another hug before he left, telling Peter to call him or stop by whenever. Peter spent the rest of that night with May, eating ice cream and watching the ball drop at midnight. Over the course of his winter break, Peter started reaching out to friends more. He reached out to his college friends, the group of them deciding to go out for dinner at y/n’s favorite restaurant when they’re all back and settled at school. He reached out to Mj and Ned, the three of them reuniting. Tony was right. The grieving did come in waves. There would be days where Peter felt great and genuinely happy and days where he was sad and down and just needed to have a good cry. The nights became easier. Peter found that the nightmares were going away and if he did have one, he was able to fall back asleep. Little by little, he worked his way up to putting on the familiar blue and red suit, then to swinging around Queens again, until eventually, he found himself sitting on the rooftop of an apartment building, staring up at the stars. y/n was right. The stars were beautiful. He easily found her favorite constellation (the big dipper), a nearby star shining exceptionally bright. He knew that was her. Even though she wasn’t able to shine down on earth, Peter knew she was among the stars, shining down on him and their friends, a beautiful sign that maybe things would eventually be okay.

_______________________________________________________________________

[markhobz]

The Ugly Life of a Cinematographer

Ive been so busy here in Iran currently filming "Layers of Lies" that I haven't had a chance for a day off to take a look around as to whats been going on in my personal life. So many people inbox me on social media mentioning how much they would love to be in my position or joining me on set and doing what i am doing. I admit I absolutely love what I do and have been very fortunate to have had some amazing projects come my way. With all those people on the outside seeing my career as an opportunity for adventure, art and travelling around the world, they don't really see what the bigger part of this career choice has to hold.

I love what I do and you couldn't bribe me to change my field of work, this is what I live for. In saying that though there are some hidden truths behind the curtain of what really lies behind the life of a DOP or pretty much most people working in the film industry. What I am about to write below is based on my own personal experiences. But through my eyes and ears on my travels around film sets around the world, I think 90% of film buffs can relate to what is below. So for those who have always wanted to work in film or just want to take some insight into the life of doing film, here are some ugly truths about my profession.

9-5 DOES NOT EXIST

There is no such thing as a normal 40 hour week in this field. I don't recall the last time i had a 10 or 20 minute break every 3-4 hours. Its always been go go go. If regular hours or a routine is very important to you, than I would suggest you to move onto another career because it will simply NEVER happen in the film industry.

I think 95% of the time doing my job and making sure its done right means I need to put in extra hours, effort and energy to get the best quality results. Its always showing up early and leaving late. Even when I get home or to my accomodation when working away, im always having to do more research, pre-plan, run over pre-vis again and again and always checking out what the latest trends in the industry are just to ensure things are set straight and in order. Especially on lengthy projects like feature films I have to spend extra time in pre production with location scouting, prepping, pre-vis or ensuring the edit or color grade goes correctly for the story. Most of the time you do these extra chores with little or no extra pay and always during your own free time without any thank you's or recognition. This is where you just suck it up and push on through, as a true professional should.

The film industry is not a place where you can just sit and have things handed to you. If you are not willing to make sacrifices of your own time and you own schedules to further your career or skills, then honestly move on. 

NO REGULAR SALARY

I think this stretches across to other freelancers aswell. This is the roller coaster ride of this career choice which can be emotional. When it rains sometimes it pours, and sometimes it just spits a few drops from the sky. When work is coming in be grateful and stay busy as hell because you never know when the drought is coming or when the big project you have had lined up gets delayed and you've had to cancel all other jobs for its original scheduling. There have been months where 12,000€ comes in and then some months were 120€ is your best. There are some months where im working 7 days and some months where you are just baffled trying to pitch and score the next gig. Staying active is your only combat to this ride, and it can be emotional and nerve racking, maybe even give you a few grey hairs.

Consistency and stability does not exist in this career, so if you want it, im sorry you are in the wrong profession. There have been days where the money has just piled in like a flood and then some days where you are looking for the money under the refrigerator and questioning yourself, your life direction and you will be screaming with self doubt.

The thing that keeps me pushing through the tough times is staying active, and always trying to invest that time not just chasing the next job but investing the time into my own skills and development as a DP. Hard times pass, but as I said before don't expect that shit to be handed to you on a plate, you need to work your ass off to pull yourself out. If you give up easily, cant handle stress or take disappointments to heart, then keep on walking cause this job is full of disappointments.

RELATIONSHIPS

This is the most common ugly perk I have seen spread across the film industry. When you work 9-5 or just in the typical corporate world, people's stable lives create more predictability. In film this is not the case, well at least it hasn't been in my experience or from many others I have worked with from different cultures and countries.  

Choosing this freelance career means that when the work comes, you have to take it. There are times when you can say no to a job, especially the smaller productions, but when you are doing bigger lengthy projects that have amazing door-opening potentials and/or pay then you have to grab those opportunities. 

What does this mean? Having to cancel on family, loved-ones and friends, and if you are lucky, maybe you can re-schedule. Its always easy to re-arrange smaller engagements like dinner, drinks or going out for coffee, but for things like birthdays and vacations its much tougher. Especially for myself as I live in Finland and my family is back in Australia.

Since most of you reading are either the only one in your family/friends circle in the film industry or not even in the industry itself, then these outsiders have only experienced the normal everyday life of 9-5 or having the day for duties and nights for sleep. These people will find it extremely difficult to understand why you can never settle on set dates or have to always reschedule or cancel. Ive never been married, but have seen many divorces happen during lengthy projects, so if you intend to engage in marriage - from the advice others I have worked with around the world have told me you really need to find a spouse who is understanding and supportive with the amount of cancelations and rescheduling of family events, or even those times when you need to take that quick side job to get 3000€ because the past month has been dead quiet when it comes to incoming work. Most people just don't get it, they will always say "I don't care we made plans" or "cant you just move the day". 

But wait it gets better! When you work on a feature film or some higher end productions. Sometimes phones are not allowed or you could be in remote locations with no access to communication for days on end. Feature films are intensive with 5-7 days a week work, which always span 12+ hours a day and for a month or more. Its rare you get a day off, and when you do you still need to do some work to plan for the next shooting day or go over some plans with other production staff, and most of these tasks just have to be done. Even if you do find some hours to have a real day off, you'll have minimal energy and none of that energy to share with others. Every lengthy production I have been on I have seen divorces and breakups happen.  Your outside relationships with spouses, family or friends are put aside. I believe this is another reason why I think alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity and divorce are common in the film industry, iv'e seen it happen to actors, producers even art department staff.

We do not live the traditional normal lives majority do, and this will affect those that are close to us. Remember those disappointments I talked about earlier, ask yourself this - are you morally ok that you are going to put those close to you into disappointment not just once but time and time again? If you are OK with that, then climb aboard the film industry train. 

IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

So after reading all this you are probably asking to me "is it worth it?". Being that this is my passion and the love of coming together with a group of unknown people from around the world to create something visually amazing is one hell of an awesome kick for me. But hey this is me! life is about choices and this is the choice I made, and I am satisfied. Its all in the eye of the beholder and if you are ready to sacrifice your relationships, money stability and comfort of routine then it might be just possible this is for you. Of course there are some ways you can manage and minimise some of these negative perks to working in the industry, but once again its all about choices and how far you want to push yourself. I know some DP's who are quite comfortable shooting smaller productions in their own town. 

Any film buffs out there that would love to share their stories id be happy for a chat! I hope this opened your eyes to what really lies in my profession, its not just all cool camera gadgets and the glorious behind the scenes videos and photos.

[themoneybuff-blog]

Some Hard Questions

What do I really need in life? What do I need to have a life thats enjoyable? What do I need to get out of bed in the morning, to feel something positive inside of me? What things am I spending money on that are just giving me bursts of pleasure but not bringing me lasting sources of positive feelings in my life? What things am I spending money on that I actually dont care about much at all? What could I be building if I wasnt spending that money on things that dont really matter to me? I find myself asking these questions about my own life quite often, and theyre hard questions to answer. My actual needs in life are few. Basic food. Water. Basic clothing. Shelter. Id probably include some form of human connection in there, because over time most of us (myself included) break down without that. Something to occupy my mind, because, again, without that, Id probably break down over time. Everything else is really just a want, not a need. So, why do I want those extra things? Almost universally, I want those extra things because I believe they will bring me pleasure or happiness or to avoid discomfort. I eat tasty food because it brings me pleasure. I eat healthy food to avoid discomfort (now and in the future). I have a nice house because it brings me pleasure its more shelter than I need. I can go on and on and on like this. Now, there are some things in life that really do provide lasting pleasure for us. Theyre worth it in terms of the resources we exchange for them. For example, I think a modest home for a family falls into that category; below a certain size, its uncomfortable, but above a certain size, theres a lot of wasted space. However, when Im honest with myself, the things that get me to jump out of bed in the morning are rarely related to things Ive bought. Almost always, I get out of bed because Im excited about the things Im going to do and (often) the people Im going to do them with, and those things often do not involve spending money. Specific things that get me out of bed feeling excited for the day include: * Doing something with my family, or taking care of them in some meaningful way. * Doing something that gets me into a flow state, which means that its an activity I get so absorbed into in an active mental and physical way that I lose track of time, such as writing or martial arts practice or playing a challenging board game with friends or getting absorbed in a challenging book. * An adventure of some kind, like a hike or a visit from an old friend or a dinner party or a planned day of geocaching or a day with my wife or a day with my kids. * Having a bunch of good writing ideas * Having some personal projects that Im about to reach a milestone with or about to complete Heres the big thing to notice: None of those things costs any significant amount of money. None. The things that really make me feel excited and full of zest for life almost always have very little cost involved. The truth is that most of the money I spend is spent on things that bring me rather fleeting bursts of pleasure, pleasure that fades and rarely turns into anything lasting. Often, Ill spend money on things that dole out those fleeting bursts of pleasure, like my cell phone or my Netflix subscription, but theyre never going to be things that cause me to jump out of bed in the morning. The key idea Ive been trying to live by for the last few years is this: Does this expense add in a meaningful way to anything thats really important in my life and brings me consistent, lasting joy, the kind that gets me out of bed in the morning? If I cant give a strong yes as an answer, Im not going to spend money on it. Dont we need those little bursts of pleasure, though? Sure, but you can get those for free, or extremely cheap. I get them when I go outside on a warm day or when I drink some ice water with just a little lemon in it. I get them when I hold my wife close to me or when I laugh with my children. I get them when I play a great board game with a friend or when I have a couple of hours to get lost in a good book. The temptation to chase those pleasure bursts is strong, though. I wont deny that the temptation to just throw money at something thats going to bring me a burst of pleasure right away and then fades quickly is a big one. Things that give regular little hits of pleasure are particularly tempting. Social media. Television. Little treats. Sweets. The list goes on and on. My challenge is to remember that the things that genuinely support and protect the sources of lasting, meaningful happiness the things that get me out of bed in the morning are where my money and resources should be spent. That means securing a strong retirement. That means working hard all through the week so I can have some big blocks of free time on the weekend. That means minimizing the things that arent really important to me so I have time and money for the things that are. This isnt something that you just decide one day and thats that. This is a constant series of decisions, choosing to turn away from spending money and resources on things that arent meaningful in your life and choosing instead to spend money and resources on things that are meaningful, that are the very things that get you to spring out of bed in the morning. It all starts with one simple question. What are the things you live for, the things that get you out of bed in the morning, the things that drive you forward and youre driven to do? Those are the things your money should be centered around, not the little bursts of pleasure that fade away, not the things that just provide a steady dose of little pleasures that never add up to anything. My goal is simple: I want to build a life where every day is filled with things that get me out of bed in the morning. That means thinking about how I spend my money and how I spend my time and cutting out those uses that dont lead to that kind of life. Some things to think about: Does the brand of laundry soap I use ever change how I feel about getting out of bed in the morning? If no, then why buy anything other than the most inexpensive one that gets my clothes clean. Does social media ever change how I feel about getting out of bed in the morning in a positive way? If no, then why should I use it? Does a really good cup of coffee change how I feel about getting out of bed in the morning? Actually, this ones a maybe, so it makes sense to seek out the best cup of coffee for the price and for the effort for me, and thats cold brew coffee made in the fridge. I just keep asking those kinds of questions, and you should, too. Use the money you make and the time you have to build a life that gets you excited to get out of bed each morning. Dont spend money or time on anything that doesnt. Thats what its all about. In the end, thats what almost all of the advice on The Simple Dollar is all about tactics for getting you there. Good luck. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/some-hard-questions/

[bloginstantmooncollector-blog]

Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

"Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

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Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

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Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

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Can someone provide best independent health insurance i can buy thats affordable?

I have been chewing tabaco for about 8 years i am 26 years old my teeth havent rotted out yet, but i have a very tiny bump on my tonsils (which i think its just irritated) However to ...show more""

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My partner has been banned from driving, he is the first named driver on my car insurance and I am the second driver. Am I still insured to drive my car?""

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Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

I have an old car ... is it worth it to be paying for 100/300 insurance coverage?

I am driving an old '97 accord, which I got after someone hit & totaled my previous car last year. I have been paying 100/300 JUST liability insurance for it, but I want to know if it is worth it. I am paying approx $100/month for just all liability at this rate. I lowered my coverage and 25/50 is approx $70/month, so I want to know if it is worth it. I need advice since I know nothing about this at all. I don't mind paying if it is a better option, but I also don't want to overpay for an old car. Any advice is greatly appreciated!""

Car Insurance help please?

I'm 19 year old male. I got my license for the first time (1 month ago) in NC. I was added to my moms insurance (i don't have a car) and first they told me it was $300 every 2 months for me, now they are saying its $445. I am trying to save up for a car to buy in January and I don't drive my moms car. I asked the insurance company can I be taken off the policy and they said Turn your license back in or show proof of insurance with another company... I rent a car about once a week from ZipCar (Insurance included) and I don't want to turn my license back in. Anyone have any experience?""

Does the condition of the car affect car insurance?

Does the car appearance (good or bad) affect how much we pay for car insurance. I know insurance companies always ask What condition is your car?..any dents, etc does saying its in good condition make the rates go up or down?""

What is the CHEAPEST car insurance for a21 year old?

Im buy a car and i would like to no if anybody no what, would my insurances be""

How much woul i pay for auto insurance on 2007 Hyundai Tiburon?

V6 2 door coupe. Im 18. 2 tickets, 1 for running a red light. Other was a car accident, 9000$ cost to insurance on property damage. No injuries, or if anybody owns one let me kno hoe ...show more""

How do you find affordable health insurance?

I have a friend of mine who lives in Florida. He had open heart surgery a few years ago. After the surgery was done, the Dr walked in the room and told my friend he really never needed the surgery to begin with. He is trying to find health insurance and he is having trouble finding it because of his heart condition even though now he doesn't have one. Most of the health insurance companies want more then $1500 a month to insure him. How does he find affordable insurance in the US?""

What is the best life insurance policy for people 65?

need life insurance

Does insurance go with the driver?

If I have insurance on my car does that mean I can drive another car using that same policy without adjusting if its an temporary thing?

Liability Car Insurance for another state?

Hi, I would really appreciate if someone could give me an answer to resolve this situation: Facts: 1- I legally own a car in the US, currently I'm overseas. 2- My friend has a complete power of attorney 3- Car was registered in California and now is staying in Virginia for almost a year. 4- I put the car on Nonoperational status with CA DMV and canceled insurance in 08.2008. 5- I need to make my car drivable again, and my friend has to move it to MD where she lives. 6- To put car back on road with CA plates I should renew the registration with CA DMV. 7- CA DMV requires the liability insurance before registration. 8- My friend was at the insurance company (Progressive Insurance) and they say, they cannot insure the car with Californian liability unless the car is physically in CA. Wnen I'll be back to US in couple of months I have to drive car back to CA, because I study there so my residence is CA. Can anyone tell me please how this situation can be resolved? - I don't wanna sell my car - registration with MD MVA is the last expensive and unwanted option.""

Is minimum coverage car insurance the same as an SR22?

In Tennessee, is minimum coverage car insurance the same as an SR22? I already have minimum coverage but am now required to get an SR22. Is this something that needs to be added on or will minimum coverage suffice? Thanks.""

Will homeowners insurance pay for a stolen bike?

Will homeowners insurance pay for a stolen bike?

I need auto insurance in massachusetts with a low down payment. does anyone know of any?

I need auto insurance in massachusetts with a low down payment. does anyone know of any?

Do I need to get insurance for me to drive my parent's car?

I'm 15 and a half and I want to get my driver's permit but will I need to get insurance for myself if I want to drive my parents car? My parents have insurance on the car and for themselves. Won't I be covered with my parent's insurance? If so, how much will it cost to get insurance?""

Who insures a teenage driver when the parents are divorced?

We are getting ready to add my stepson to our auto insurance. He does not have a car yet, but when he does get one it will be in his father's name. His mother as far as I know has no auto insurance. She drives a car that belongs to her parents and I assume they insure it. This is the living situation and what is in place legally at this time. The mother is the primary custodian of the child. However, he resides at our house 85% of the time. My husband has educational gaurdianship so that he can attend school in our district. I have researched this and what I have found is that the parent who has primary custody is the one who adds the child to insurance. Then I also read that the parent with whom the child resides the majority of time carries the child on the insurance. I am just trying to prepare and educate myself before having to deal with the ex-wife. Money is not the issue as the child will be required to work and pay for his own insurance (our house rule). Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this?""

What is the cheapest car and home insurance?

The car insurance would cover for 2 people, me and my mother. The home insurance would be for our apartment. She asked me to look this up for her and I have no idea where to start. A little guidance would be great? Thanks :]""

""Please help, student health insurance?""

I live in New York i'm 19 and go to college. Recently i have been having this heartbeat rhythm in my ear for the past couple of weeks. Anyways i want to see a doctor because my ear is starting to hurt a little.But i have no health insurance or anything in NY. My parents live in VA, when i used to live in VA i was covered through my parents health insurance. Is there anything i can do ? Any affordable health insurance companies i can look into? Any health clinics ? Does the state of NY provide anything for college students?""

How do i sort car insurance out?

okey it might sound a stupid question but ive only just passed and dont know how to go on about it, do i need to get a car first or insurance? how can i compare insurance prices without knowing what car ima get but how can i get a car without insurance :S help pleasee and wheres the best place to get insurance and wheres best places to get a decent cheap car""

Only eligible for group insurance?

My husband is only eligible for group insurance due to multiple injuries/surgeries obtained from playing sports. His employer does not provide benefits, nor does mine. I was able to get insurance privately, but they refused him. What else can we do?""

Good starter bike thats cheap on insurance?

i was thinking a 250r or a 600r???

""At age 60 without employment,i need affordable insurance please help.?""

At age 60 without employment,i need affordable insurance please help.?""

What kind of car insurance is this?

Where I am insured, and not my car. So basically, i can drive any car i want but no one else can drive mine because IT isnt insured. (not unless they have the same type of insurance anyway.) Does anyone know what i am talking about?""

Can I be primary driver on my insurance on a car that my daughter and my ex-wife are financing?

My daughter would like me to be the primary driiver on a 2010 charger with a V6 on my insurance, so it will be cheaper payments for her. She and my ex-wife will be financing the car.""

What is the cheapest car and insurance?

What is the cheapest car and insurance?

Help me find affordable health insurance in ny state if i am not poverty level?

Help me find affordable health insurance in ny state if i am not poverty level?

Can't decide if i want to go to college for Insurance sales?

I wanted to go to college to be and insurance salesperson but im not sure. If i go to a community college and get an associates degree in business-insurance sales what does it quallify me to sell, like what type of insurance? How much do they make? Will it be easy to find a job? What are the typical hours? Will i have a secure job? Do you work off comission? Any additional info plz""

Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

Saint Albans West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25177

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-auto-insurance-contracted-business-service-within-clements/"

[perennialsporadicity]

Odd New Experiences

The more I’ve been trying to date, the less I feel uncertain that I actually want to settle down.  I have a history of settling for partners who don’t express characteristics that meet my standards, so I made a list of “must have” qualities so that if I find someone who I find myself interested in, I can make sure I’m not falling into the bad habit of being more interested in the idea of the relationship over the person himself.  I met one person who met every single characteristic on my list -- minus the part of being interested in me.  It started off great, so I thought, but I either did something wrong or the chemistry wasn’t there for him.  He was Christian, charming, intelligent, ambitious, kind, respectful and respectable, he had a great sense of humor and he was open and honest with me.  I found the idea of dating him very enticing, but the weird part comes in here:  I met someone a day after he called things off with me, and this new guy is all of the things that the first guy was, but he isn’t Christian since he grew up in Iran and they offered little education about the religion there, but he’s interested in learning more and was in the process of learning about Christianity before he met me.  Aside from that, he is absolutely crazy about me and has been pursuing me intensely over this last week, which is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  He’s romantic and interesting and unbelievably chivalrous in a way I honestly forgot existed.  I find myself flattered and interested in him, but I just don’t get the feeling that he’s who I want to be with.  It’s likely it’s just too soon, but I’m glad I haven’t just fallen into it because I can’t afford to jump into a relationship as quickly as he seems to want me to.  I can’t tell if I even really am interested in him, or if I simply enjoy him because of how much he seems to like me.  The more I go out with friends to bars, the more I find myself thinking that I’m not ready to settle into a committed relationship, but then again, I think the real problem may simply be that I haven’t found someone who I’m interested in enough to be even remotely exclusive with.  I won’t be a party animal forever, and I get the notion that once I begin to actually take a real interest in someone, I won’t have the desire to flirt and make myself available to other men.  My mind still finds the most peace at the thought of finding someone worthwhile to spend my life with, so I know I won’t be a total flirt forever.

Recently, I crave the attention I’ve been getting every weekend when I go out; there’s no confidence boost better than the kind I get when men of all different heights, races, and ages fight for my time.  My friends and I found ourselves getting out of an Uber in front of a very crowded bar with a line over 50 people deep, and as we were standing and debating whether or not we should just walk to the front and try to get in or go to the back of the line, the doorman literally came up to meet us and ask if we were wanting to get in, then proceeded to check our ID’s and lead us through the barricades.  We ran into a group of guys who were all from different European countries and struck up a conversation with them, flirted, and goofed off.  In the time I was distracted, an hour flew by and it all of the sudden was closing time, so we went outside and made new acquaintances and chatted with our foreign friends a bit more.  Being completely distracted by one of the men in particular, I only half-noticed a girl who was drunk out of her mind being carried out of the bar like a sack of potatoes and I passed a slight amount of judgement that this girl would be so irresponsible to get that drunk at a bar that she would have to be carried out by a friend, but I thought little of it and continued my conversations.  Later, I looked over and saw that one of my friends had gone over to her to help out since the girl was now drooping over and sitting on the pavement. I thought she was sweet to do so, but I was not inclined to go help since I had an attractive man’s attention.  Then about 10 minutes later, she came over and told our other friend and me that we were going to help take this girl home because her friend left her by herself.  That caught my attention, and immediately I walked away and went to go see how I could help.

Apparently, someone had tried to get her an Uber, but the driver couldn’t take her in the condition she was in, seeing as the poor girl couldn’t even sit up on her own, so he left.  That’s what made my friend realize that she was going to need our help; well, that, and the fact that she was surrounded by 3 or 4 guys who were all making fun of her for her state.  My friend was observant enough to realize that none of the guys there were interested in helping her, the other girls were only putting in minimal effort, and the drunk girl’s friend had ditched her and wasn’t going to show back up to help.  We heaved this girl up (and she could by no means be considered petite) and pulled her into an Uber and set our course to her apartment.  We realized quickly that that wasn’t going to work since we didn’t think we could safely leave her at her apartment, and it wouldn’t feel right to stay there with her.  Next, we told the driver to change course to our friend’s apartment, but we realized there that there was no way we would be able to get her up 3 flights of stairs, and if she somehow died from alcohol poisoning, her body would be there for us to find in the morning, which is something none of us were willing to risk.  Finally, after we had actually gotten to our friend’s apartment, we asked the Uber to go to the emergency room.  The driver did not make a single complaint or act in any way frustrated by what was going on.  I honestly think he may have been an angel sent from God.  

We got the girl to the hospital and checked her into the ER, then waited for about an hour until she finally got admitted into a room.  After being in the room for about 30 minutes, she started to wake up and talk to us.  One of the first things she said was that she thought she was drugged, and my first thought was that she was just saying that because it would push the blame off of herself for getting so messed up.  She started to tell us how many drinks she had; she remembered only 3 at first, but then it turned into 4.  She said there was no way that she could have gotten that drunk off of how much she had drank.  Then I started to realize that alcohol doesn’t wear off as quickly as she seemed to be coming back into consciousness.  She hadn’t gotten an IV or really any form of hydration.  When someone gets so drunk that they can’t even sit up or respond with more than 3 words to a question, they won’t come-to in a matter of as little as the 2 hours it had been.  Then she started complaining about being cold like her body was getting the shakes from going through withdrawal from a drug.  I can’t think of alcohol ever doing anything like that to me.  I honestly believe that someone put something in her drink, which is terrifying because we were all at the same bar.  

That could have been any of my friends or it could have been me.  But aside from that horrifying bit, I realized that I used to be the person who was observant, empathetic and compassionate toward strangers, and now I’ve become the person that finds events like that to be inconvenient because I selfishly want to keep doing whatever is making me feel good, and I want to leave the other person to take full responsibility for what they did.  In this case, I was horribly wrong, because that girl couldn’t have done much to prevent what happened.  She got targeted, and if someone wants to put something in your drink, it doesn’t take more than a few minutes of patience to catch you with your face turned away from the glass in your hand.  This girl was in danger, and if it had been just me there, she very likely would have been raped.  Sure, I would have never known it happened, but I know now that I owe it to the people around me to offer the benefit of the doubt and be someone who offers assistance, compassion, and grace to those who can no longer fend for themselves.

[10.02.2017]

[themoneybuff-blog]

Questions About Checking Accounts, Nintendo Switch, iPods, TSP, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Great advice for job seekers 2. Old hometown checking account 3. Making your own seasoning mixes 4. Inexpensive Nintendo Switch games 5. Partner has extreme debt 6. TSP contribution questions 7. Uses for old iPod? 8. Job search not that simple 9. Value of authenticating sports cards 10. Financial independence and career plans 11. Advice for selling books 12. True hourly discretionary income question I wanted to offer a little update on my switch to a standing desk for professional purposes. About two weeks ago, I moved my main workstation to a standing desk. The purpose for doing this was to significantly reduce the amount of time I spend sitting in a given day, because sitting for your job all the time has some negative long term health consequences. I did recognize that doing this fully cold turkey is a bad idea, and so I planned from the start to do it in stages. My plan was and still is to use the desk until I felt noticeable discomfort, then switch to a laptop in a chair for a while, then maybe alternate back later in the day. My goal was to simply raise my average time at the standing desk a little each week as I strengthen different muscle groups. After a couple of weeks of doing this, Ive found that the big impact has been on my lower back, with a smaller impact on my feet. Im able to work for about four to five hours a day at the standing desk, with other work time spent sitting in a comfortable chair with a laptop. What generally happens is that my lower back starts to get sore, not in a something is broken way but in a this is a muscle thats getting taxed due to exertion and needs a break way. Ill sit down for a while and itll feel much better. However, its constantly experiencing a low-grade soreness, the kind of soreness that happens when you exercise a muscle group. Theres nothing wrong here if I felt something wrong, I would stop using the standing desk for a while. However, it can be a little uncomfortable. Ive had some very minor foot discomfort, mostly on my heels, but nothing significant and it honestly seems to be fading over the last few days. Its hard to tell yet whether or not the standing desk is improving my health in any notable way. I certainly dont think its been bad, but I havent noticed a big health improvement. I do exercise most days, so thats definitely a positive factor, but its hard to extract the benefits of standing with the other benefits of exercise. I think its very likely that there have been some minor benefits, and I likely would have noticed more if I didnt already exercise. Its all about feeling healthy for as long as possible. On with the questions. Q1: Great advice for job seekers I wanted to share some advice from my own experience as an interviewer [in a large corporate HR department]. The big thing is that you shouldnt be hard on yourself if you interview for a job and dont get it. Often, there is already a candidate that is pre-selected and the interview process is a mere formality. Someone thought you were a good candidate and brought you in, but you didnt actually have a real chance at the job no matter how you interviewed. In fact, you should treat all interviews like that. Dont get stressed about them, because theres a good chance that theres already an anointed candidate. I would say that 75-80% of the time, we already have our minds made up regarding which candidate to hire before the interview process begins and interviews virtually never change our minds. Sometimes we will interview someone great and put them on a list of people to call in the future but almost without fail those people already have a job when we call them back. So please dont be hard on yourself if you dont succeed at an interview! And dont get overly stressed about it because theres a good chance that theres already an anointed candidate anyway. Just go in there and answer the questions and learn about the company and let the chips fall where they may. Alison This is great advice, and in line with some of my own hiring experiences in the past. I have been on all sides of this coin at various points. I have been the anointed candidate in a hiring process. I have also been one of the other candidates in a hiring process (where I knew someone else was anointed for an absolute fact). Ive also been involved with several hirings, some of which had strongly preferred candidates and some of which did not. The thing is, you never really know which kind of situation it is when youre interviewing. It may be a more open position where you actually have a good chance, or it may be a situation where you are one of the other candidates in an open process engineered to bring in the vastly preferred candidate with minimal questions. I think the mantra of dont worry about it is the right one here. Just go in there, answer the questions, ask some questions about the company, and move on and keep looking for the next interview or opportunity. If youre the right candidate, theyll call. Often, you wont be, and it wont be due to a fault of your own. Q2: Old hometown checking account I have left a checking account open at my old hometown bank for the last 20 years. It pays a very small interest rate 0.05%. I have a balance of about $1,200 in there. I have always looked at it as a last ditch emergency fund. If anything seriously goes wrong, Ill go there and use that money. But its just sitting there. Isnt there something better I could be doing with it? Dana I dont think theres anything wrong with having a last ditch emergency fund in a bank thats not easy to access. That idea is fine by me. However, its probably just going to sit there for a long time, so you might want to consider doing something with it that earns a better return. The next time youre in your hometown, stop by that bank and see what other options they have. Simply explain that this is an emergency fund for you and you want it in a place where it earns a little more, doesnt lose value, and could be withdrawn in an emergency but isnt likely to be withdrawn. Its very likely that theyll suggest a certificate of deposit, which is akin to a savings account except that it earns a bit higher interest rate and theres a small penalty for withdrawing it early. It wont take very long at all for the CD to earn more than the penalty for early withdrawal and then, after that, its onwards and upwards. Make sure that the bank allows you to automatically roll over the CD when it matures. Right now, with interest rates a bit higher than they were but still fairly low, Id choose a medium term CD, something in the range of one to two years. That will give you a higher interest rate than a short term CD but wont lock you in to these relatively low historical rates forever. Set it to automatically roll over, then forget about it until that last ditch emergency occurs. Q3: Making your own seasoning mixes Have you ever written an article about making your own seasoning mixes instead of buying mixes at the store? You can buy the component spices and mix them yourself and save a lot of money if you use seasonings a lot. I make an Italian seasoning and a chili seasoning and a toast seasoning myself. Margaret Toast seasoning? Youre going to have to send me that one. I have a bagel seasoning mix that I like to use on buttered toast sometimes I wonder if theyre similar. Although Ive mentioned seasoning mixes before and noted how its cheaper to make your own, I dont think Ive ever written a listing of the various spice mixes we have and how we store them. I store most of my spice mixes in large baby food jars that we still have from when our children were babies. I usually make them by mixing other spices by the teaspoon into a bowl and then stirring them thoroughly so theyre mixed, then I fill up the jar with the spice mix. I use masking tape for labeling. Using a mix is a learning experience. Over time, you start figuring out how much to put in stuff. Our chili mix, for example, usually takes a tablespoon and a half per batch, and a batch fills up our slow cooker about halfway. I could write a full post about this if theres interest, including some of my recipes. Just send me a message on Facebook if youd like to see that. Q4: Inexpensive Nintendo Switch games My husband and I bought our son a Nintendo Switch for Christmas. It is his first video game console and he had been asking for it all year so it was really fun to see him open it. Both sets of grandparents got him a game for it so he has had two games to play. His birthday is coming up soon and we asked him what he wanted and of course he wanted a Switch game. We asked him for a list of the ones he wanted and it has 15 or so games on it. The problem is that they are all $50 or more. Why are Switch games so expensive? Our full birthday gift budget for him is $50. Can you help? Anna This is a consistent challenge with Nintendos consoles, and it has been since the 1980s. Nintendo makes very high quality exclusive titles for their consoles those are usually the ones that wind up filling wish lists for console owners but they rarely go down in price until later in the consoles production cycle and the Switch is a pretty young system. Trust me your son isnt being greedy here. Hes probably listing most of the best games for the console, but they all happen to be expensive ones. I would guess that in a year or two, Nintendo will have a line of some of their top titles from a few years prior as Platinum titles for a much lower price point around $20 but were not there yet. So what can you do now? My recommendation is to visit a video game store that sells used games, like Gamestop, and see what they have available for the Switch thats used. Switch games, as you know, come on small cartridges, so its very easy to test a game to make sure it works you can ask them to test it before you buy. Getting a game used in the original packaging will still cost 50% to 75% of the sticker price and the selection may be a bit limited, but this is probably a fairly safe bet for getting one of the games he wants within your price point. A used Switch game is just as good as a new one in terms of someone focused on actually playing the games, so Id look there. Another approach would be to give him a gift card to the Nintendo eShop. There are a lot of very good downloadable titles for the Switch, and you use those gift cards to buy those downloadable titles. While this wouldnt give him any of the games he specifically wants, it would enable him to get a couple of games at least, and there are some very good games for $9.99 or less on the eShop. Q5: Partner has extreme debt I recently discovered that my bride-to-be (June) has about $140K in student loan debt. She had said that she had some student loans in the past but I did not have any idea how much. I am very uncomfortable with being saddled with that much debt. This has caused a great deal of conflict between us over the last few months and I found this out during the holidays. I am not sure what to do. Daniel The biggest factor Id look at is her day to day behavior right now. Is she a frugal person? Does she watch her nickels and dimes? Is she committed not in words but in actions to getting that debt paid off? Is she making extra payments on that debt? If you see that, then I wouldnt fret about it. On the other hand, if she seems to think that such a big debt isnt a big deal, she spends money frivolously all the time, and she isnt making much progress on that debt I would think very, very carefully about this relationship, because thats a value mismatch thats going to chafe for years and years. Beyond that, I would also consider what kind of field that her degree is in. Was the degree she earned in a field with a high income potential, or was it something that will never earn a substantial income? Also, Id look at other factors, like whether or not parental support was promised and then denied. If shes aiming for a high paying career, such as medicine or law or some types of engineering, I wouldnt worry too much about it. If she took out that much debt for a career path that has a very low likelihood of earning a high salary, I would be really concerned. I would also be concerned with that level of debt if there was also significant financial support from her parents where did all of that money go? The challenge with marriage is that you are financially tied to each other in a very deep way and her choices regarding the debt she took out for her education are indicative of the decision making process she will likely employ going forward except now youll be financially liable for them. Having that much debt unless you are both high income earners will significantly affect your life decisions for a very long time, likely for the rest of your life. It will delay your ability to have children that you can support financially, for starters. It will alter both of your career choices and possibilities. It will delay your ability to have a home of your own. I guess, in this situation, what I would really look for are signs of financial maturity beyond that of the student loans. Is she focused on repaying that debt with or without you? Is she making the most of her degree? Does she spend frivolously? I cant answer for you whether this woman is worth it to you. She may be perfect for you in every other way, in which case youll be happier with her. However, having that much student loan debt, and given the alarm bells it sets off in your head, is a sign of likely incompatibility over financial issues, and thats not a recipe for a great marriage. As always, conversation is key, as is paying attention to her actions. What kind of steps is she taking (not just talking about, but taking) in her life knowing that huge debt is sitting there? If youre struggling to answer that and this debt makes you this uncomfortable, this may not be the best situation for you. Q6: TSP contribution questions I am 36 years old, single, no children, no plans to ever marry. I just got a government job that I hope to keep for the rest of my life. Knowing that I am receiving FERS and Social Security already in retirement, how much should I contribute to my TSP to be able to have a comfortable retirement?Want to retire at 65 and have about the same amount of disposable income when I retire. Janine For those unfamiliar, FERS is the pension plan for US federal government employees. TSP is an optional 401(k)-like plan for additional retirement savings. Based on this, FERS should provide about 33% of your final salary when you retire. Social Security, depending on your income level, will provide somewhere around 30% of your income. That means you need to make up about 37% of your income from TSP. If you contribute 5% of your salary to TSP, the federal government matches another 4%. Above that, theres no matching. Given all of that information, I ran some back of the envelope calculations and conclude that given your age and your aim to retire at age 65 with your full salary intact from your various retirement sources and that you want to be able to draw from TSP for the rest of your life, you should contribute 15% of your salary to TSP. This should enable you to withdraw enough from TSP each year to make up your salary shortfall when you retire at age 65 and the TSP balance should last for the rest of your life. Youll want to invest TSP fairly aggressively the target retirement options should work. While I cant guarantee that 15% will get you there, I can certainly say that it is extremely likely that it will either get you there or get you very close to your goal. Q7: Uses for old iPod? Found an old iPod in a desk drawer along with charging cable. Is there any use for this or should I just junk it? I powered it up and it turns on just fine. Adam I dont own an original iPod (I had one way back in the day but I sold it off circa 2007-2008), but a friend of mine keeps one in her car and listens to music with it every day using a cassette tape adapter. You could do the same thing with an auxiliary cable if your car has an AUX port. Just load it up with mp3s of a bunch of music and/or podcasts that you like, keep it in your car, and listen to it during commutes. If you have a charger that hooks into the cigarette lighting receptacle in your car, then you can plug into that and keep it permanently charged. My friend has hundreds of albums that she loved in her teens and twenties. If you like alternative or indie rock from about 1990 to about 2007, theres a good chance youll find a ton to love on her iPod. Just fill yours up to the brim with stuff you like and youll always have something to listen to. You can fill it up with the full archives of a podcast and listen to the entire run of a podcast, too. Old iPods are great for these kinds of things. In other words, use it for what it was intended for. Load it up with audio. Q8: Job search not that simple While I appreciate your regular encouragement to go find a new job if your current one is sapping you, its not always that simple. I have been working as a legacy systems programmer for the same company for 16 years. Most of my day is maintaining old code, migrating it to new machines, and dealing with corporate [nonsense]. I literally hate going into work each day. There arent any available jobs nearby that match my skill set. Trust me, Ive looked. I cant move because my daughter has particular health care needs and needs to be near a top notch medical facility. That also means I need good insurance. I cant just go into work and say, Well, time to find a new job today! Thats just a pipe dream. Terry All right, so what jobs are available in your area that are close to your skill set? Youre obviously in a metro area of some kind. I guarantee there are programming jobs in that area. Whats actually available? What things are most similar to your skillset? Once you know that, start honing your skillset at work so that you can make that leap. Learn how to write tools that will help you with the legacy coding you already do. Start trying to port your legacy code over to a new language for modern systems during your downtime. Use this as an opportunity to learn new languages and paradigms. Get involved with any and all local software development groups. Try to go to their face to face meetings and get heavily involved in any online spaces they have, being as helpful as you possibly can there. Build up some good relationships in your field, then just casually ask about positions that match your refurbished skill set. Also, keep your resume honed on LinkedIn so you can be discovered by people who might be looking for folks in your area. Dont aim for hopelessness. Aim for a light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this at any job. I had a job where I was literally shoveling dirt for hours and hours during the middle of the night by myself and yet I found ways to aim that toward my next step. Q9: Value of authenticating sports cards I have a bunch of sports cards mostly baseball and basketball from the 1960s. I have looked at selling some of them individually but when I look online almost all sales are authenticated cards in a special holder. I looked into this and it looks like you send your cards to an authentication service and pay them a fee and they put them in a special plastic holder with a tag that says its authentic and gives it a grade for its condition. Is this worth it for selling trading cards? Are there ways to sell cards without this kind of service? Marvin You basically described the sports card authentication world pretty well. It exists because there was rampant fraud in older sports cards and other trading cards for a while, so some reputable dealers popped up and started offering authentication and grading services so that people would know exactly what they were buying. Its become the de facto standard for any sports cards of significant value. Basically, if the card is older than about 1975 or so, the player has any name recognition at all, and the card is in reasonably good shape, youre going to make more money selling it after authentication than before, even including the cost of authentication. If its a no-name player or its beat up, youre not going to make a whole lot for it anyway, as people will just want those to help complete sets and they wont sell for more than pennies. What Id do is look for Hall of Fame caliber player cards from your collection (or, as a friend of mine said, Hall of Famers plus Pete Rose) and get those authenticated to sell individually. The rest, Id just divide out by set and sell in bulk. (I have an almost complete 1965 Topps set missing just a few commons that Ive worked on for literally decades, so Im fairly familiar with all of this.) Q10: Financial independence and career plans So how much financial independence would a person need to be able to have full career independence where you still want to have a career but you just feel empowered to make whatever choice seems exciting to you without really worrying about salary but still assuming youre earning a decent salary to live on? I make about $80K and think I can live well on about $40K so my savings rate is about 30% after taxes. How many years would I have to do this before money exits the equation as a career consideration? Barney I think the real question youre asking is how much do I need to save so that retirement is fully covered? This calculator is probably my preferred one. Youll want to play around with different settings to see how long youll need to save to hit your goals. The further you are from retirement, the lower your total savings goal will be. Also, if you assume Social Security benefits will come to you at rates similar to whats available today, the lower your total savings goal will be. You may even be at your target in several years. However, Id still recommend that you save for retirement after you hit your goal number if youre earning a good salary. This allows you to walk away even earlier if you just get tired of the rat race before a typical retirement age. Q11: Advice for selling books I have a collection of hardback books I want to sell. What is the best way to get maximum value for them? Tracy First of all, it depends a lot on what books youre exactly trying to sell. Are they novels? Cookbooks? Old Dungeons and Dragons books? Encyclopedias? Youll want to go to eBay and try to get a sense as to what theyre actually worth. You will probably get the maximum value from them by selling them individually. However, that is exponentially more work for only a fairly modest rate of return. You might be able to sell a lot of ten books for $20 or sell them each individually for $3, for example. Is that extra effort in packaging and shipping and tracking and communication for nine additional packages worth the $10 to you? Another note: if youre selling books, USPS Media Mail is your friend. Its a highly discounted shipping rate that applies to sending books through the mail, and it comes with a tracking number. (Its cheap because its slow and USPS knows a book can sit in a warehouse for a day with zero problems.) You should always use this when shipping books and magazines. Q12: True hourly discretionary income question I understand how this perspective helps to highlight the high cost of non-necessary spending now in terms of lost leisure in the future. But I think it overstates the cost of non-necessities in terms of hours worked. In your example where your annual net wage is $34,000 and your annual work hours is 2,740 (so you net $12.41 per hour worked) and your necessities cost $24,600/year, you should account for 1,982 work hours (= $24,600/$12.41 per hour) as covering necessities, leaving 2,740 1982 = 758 hours for non-necessities. In each of those 758 hours, you net $12.41/hour, and that is the cost of your necessities in terms of hour worked. So a $50 board game costs you $50/$12.41 per hour = 4 hours, not 10.5 hours. The key is to see that you still actually net $12.41/hour, regardless of whether those earnings go to necessities or non-necessities. One way to see this is to realize that the approach in the post can lead to unrealistic implications for the hours of work required to purchase non-necessities. For example, suppose in your example above, necessities are only $10,000 year, and non-necessary spending is then $34,000 $10,000 = $24,000. If your hourly wage for non-necessities is really $4.96/hour like the post says, then it would take $24,000/$4.96 per hour = 4,838 hours to earn that $24,000. But you earned the $34,000 with only 2,740 hours, so something is wrong. Max Max is referring to this article from last week, Using Your True Hourly Discretionary Income to Make Smarter Purchases. Youre just looking at the same issue in a different way. Rather than looking at each hour as being subdivided between essential expenses and non-essential expenses, youre doing the same thing with the total hours over a year. In that example, then, 1,741 of the hours you work essentially earn you nothing in terms of spending money, because all of it goes to essentials. So, frugality in essence just means that youre migrating some of the hours you work from your pool of hours spent on essential expenses to the hours you work for spending money. My angle was different. I divided the income from each hour into essential expenses and spending money. The essential expenses gobble up $7.45 of the $12.41 you earn each hour, while your spending money makes up only $4.96 of the $12.41 you earn each hour. So, then, you judge whether an expense is worth it using just the $4.96, since its the only portion you can actually freely spend. In this case, frugality moves a little bit of money from the $7.45 essential expenses per hour pile to the $4.96 spending money per hour pile. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-checking-accounts-nintendo-switch-ipods-tsp-and-more/