#id like to make another soon now that ive generally improved as an artist

[thetidemice]

better pictures of my papier mache cat i made when i was 17 (its cat-sized)

[cconfusedkat]

(shaking hands, functioning on three iced coffees, not beta read we just die) (LIL BRO TREATING THIS LIKE AO3Anyways yeah i did not read anything i typed here a second time so my wording might Suck Major Kuss)

Hey chat! sorry my holiday depression unfortunately kicked in, i had a ,, relatively decent Eid (cuz i dont celebrate christmas) ...? so i hope everyone had a relatively better holiday than i did… 💦

My friends often tell me i look like my art and i kinda see it. Hooray! Meeting the artist! Except i took matters into my own hands of making my own collage because I Do Not Have Enough Storage Space For Any Other Editing App

Additional shitpost ❤️ the art I've been most proud of are not actually in here, really! I'm mainly proud of the fanart i made for the few smiling critters AU's aaaall the way back feb-march but. I guess the stuff i liked the most i did this year was probably for the one who wilts? Im trying to think of stuff earlier than that. I noticed i definitely had an improvement in art, and i learned i do have a preference of drawing certain ways now too lmao- the fun of art! I hope to improve more in 2025 :-)

Herm,, all jokes aside, im glad people like my art...?? I am not a very Secure artist myself (already taking me five minutes to type that out and consider myself as an artist) so im SHOCKED when people Actually like my things. My doodles. The sometimes rare occasion of real art i put out there. Like! Wow! Thats crazy

Id have to say the same for youtube- im currently at 456 subscribers 🥺❤️ that is huge to me,, i wouldnt have expected me posting for the first time in years on youtube would result to me getting this many subscribers? ? .???

Im very, VERY thankful for the people ive met this year through fandom and generally. Unfortunately—for the past few months—Ive hit a really low stump in my mental health that limits me from talking to people without getting super drained, even on social media i kinda struggle with being active again. I am thankful for the people that continue to stick around and know im the way that i am,, one day ill be mentally stronger and everyone is gonna see my growth as soon as i can ,, Actually leave my own home and hopefully start a new. I didnt really consider that until one of my friends shared its experiences with me and i GENUINELY realized i can run away and get better one day,, there is a light at the end of the tunnel,, there IS,, but not now. Not today. Not in a few months. Itll take me years to heal but 2025 and ongoing years as i get more freedom to do so,,

UHHHH UHHH. ASIDE FROM CHEESY RANTING OF HAVING HOPES FOR THE FUTURE, YAPYAPYAP- i got a drawing tablet (again another thing my friend inspired me for- technically two major things in a row it inspired me for- hope in the future and drawing BWAHAHA-) and uhhh. HmMMOOHHH YEAH I REUNITED MY MEOWMEOWS! HOORA🎊🎊🎊🎊

my 2025 goals are not just improvement in art,, but in hopes of getting a full time job (since my last full time UMM. did NOT work out well! How am i gonna learn to pay my taxes on my own dawg,) and trying to get a place of my own since i missed out on that two years ago (or one? One year ago? I DUNNO..!!!!) , therapy and trying to heal better compared to my terrible stumps of 2022-2024,, i dunno what else but. Maybe working on my social skills at some point 🗿🗿 a far fetched goal is moving out of state completely and also going on testosterone but that is farrrr from now </33

Thank you lot for following and keeping up with my goofiness i gen did not think an animanga nerd with a passion of indie and mascot horror games could reach 510 followers within one year HELPPP thats crazy

On less serious goals though i hope on watching more animes than reading manga in 2025 BWAHAHAGAHSAJD i read manga more and anime is Extremely Rare for me to watch but both jjk and Beastars have all ive been watching as of recent lol- trust i will be such a geek (girl Please that is NAWT something to look forward to) (YES IT IS. HAVE YOU NO WHIMSY?)

[the-classical-system]

...has anyone seen Courtney?

cw: abuse mention

tl;dr— I/ we could seriously use some advice while we’re waiting to see our new therapist later this week. This is a super long post with lots of exposition, but the gist of it is, we feel like we’ve totally lost the ANP who was the primary fronter for most of our life and now we’re all in the middle of an unmanageable fucking identity crisis— especially Blake, since we’ve all been realizing more and more recently that they honestly feel like the host and not another EP (like we all thought). [Also I would put a page break right here but I can’t figure out how and I gave up.]

Alex has like 17 different chronic illnesses/ disorders (actually I think that number is higher now maybe? I don’t think anyone has updated the medical ID with the recent diagnoses) and more than a few of them require a shit ton of self-awareness & self-care, as well as actual active management.

The biggest “fire” in our body right now is the gastroparesis (paralyzed stomach, and our lower GI seems to be fairly paralyzed as well but tests & scans for that are being done in the coming weeks). It’s another thing that Alex was born with and even though every single one of us felt & knew that something was seriously wrong with our digestive system, our parents medically gaslighted us into thinking that we were normal ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Fast-forward to three months ago [fuck it’s only been three months?!] and we were at the point where we couldn’t keep down more than 1-2 ounces of water every hour [we also have POTS by the way, so that did great things for our fucking circulatory system & blood pressure lol] and could only eat maybe 2 ounces of food throughout the day. After a few episodes that turned out to be hypoglycemic attacks, and finally a literal hypoglycemic coma, we were admitted to the hospital for a week so they could try to stabilize our body. The doctors decided to put in a PICC (central line) so we can “eat” through an IV at home. The plan was to see if being on TPN would allow our body to stabilize to the point where we can tolerate enough meal replacements/ fluid.... but it’s been three weeks of this and there’s been maybe a 5% improvement, if we’re being generous. So now the doctors are considering PEG-J tubes in the near future. We’re supposed to go see the GI again soon, but........ Courtney was the only one who can deal with the medical shit & doctors & medical gaslighting & internal gaslighting. Blake & I just... can’t. I mean we totally *can* because Blake is the extra self-aware & smart one, but when we do, it ends up with a psych consult (and one time a 5150 which was just fucking perfect).

...but Courtney hasn’t been around at fucking all since the coma. When Blake & I looked back the other day, we realized Courtney had been our primary fronter for the majority of our life. I think Blake/ Alison/ I almost always co-fronted but Courtney is the only one who is good at pretending everything is normal, that WE are totally normal, at thinking oh sure there was some bad shit that happened but I’m totally fine... etc. She also seemed to be pretty much the only one who was in relationships with almost all of our significant others, with the exception of the first person we dated [that seemed to be primarily Blake & I with Courtney as the co-fronter?], *including* our most recent girlfriend over the last three years.

Now none of us know why or how this could make sense because we know that parts don’t just disappear.... so I’m just going to describe it as best I can. None of us have felt/ seen/ heard Courtney since right before we went into the coma in May.

Blake is pretty artistic and one of their favorite stims is mindless sketching, and oftentimes now when they’re really stressed but can’t get themself to talk to anyone they’ll just sketch our headspace or do sketches of how we see ourselves, etc. In every one of their dozens of sketches of the headspace, Courtney still has a room— but it’s vacant. None of her shit is there, just the furniture, and it looks & feels like a professional cleaning crew came in and sterilized the room. None of us, not even Blake, can *feel* her there the way we feel each other in the headspace or just in general— even when we don’t know who exactly we’re feeling we can still tell they’re there. Courtney’s room just has the exact feeling of a vacant hospital room that’s been cleaned out.

There are also all of these new gaps in our memories— primarily from the last 13 years, and the gaps stop after we were admitted to the hospital. Now that our internal communication is a lot stronger, Blake & Alison & I have started to be able to be coconscious enough to share memories with each other and to write things to each other to read when our spectrum brain is too much to handle— but *none* of us can fucking remember large swaths of time from when we were around the non-physically abusive parents, or when we were with Arik or Katy or Annie. And we only broke up with Annie super recently, plus it was the first relationship (aside from Court) that was NOT abusive)... so I really feel like there’s no reason a part would need to hide the memories with Annie at least.

Fuck that was so long, oops. Anyway, if anyone could provide some input into seemingly having lost the primary fronter completely, that would be super great. Blake is having an existential crisis & Alison is pissed at Blake for being honest with someone we like & I’m just dysfunctional as fuck lol so I kind of need at least one of them in order to function? Oh and c has been flooding the system with almost constant emotional flashbacks.... it’s been real fun recently.

Help I need an adult