#id explain more but i dont wanna get too rambly on the tags of an icebreaker post so you can just dm or send an ask if u want phios yarbles

[xxplastic-cubexx]

what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]

a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious

i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me

as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy

[cryptidapprentice]

[feelo-fick]

thanks for tagging YIPPEE

took maybe a little too much time considering which ones to use (<- loves icebreakers like this) HUEHSUAHE

@floralstorms @eddie-roo and anyone else whod like to join!!

Another Tag Game!

Post 9 pictures from your phone to describe yourself, then tag 9 people.

Thank you to @hawthornsword for the tag!

No-pressure tagging: @norcumii, @darthlivion, @madamtrashbat, @hjbender, @lazaefair, @bolithesenate, @boxonthenile, @trudemaethien, @mandalorianbrainweasel, and anyone who wants to play!

[sickknotdoom]

I've seen you pop up in the #sparkletag quite a bit recently, and as both a Patron and as a friend of Kneeby, I think I've had enough of your antics.

It's really depressing to see someone dedicate their entire online presence towards hating someone. It's extremely creepy and weird to obsess over every single thing kit does like this. I urge you to go find a better hobby, and I mean it. This kind of parasocial behavior is toxic and only serves to hurt everyone including yourself. Take a break from this and use that time to reflect on yourself and what you really want. Do you want to dedicate all of your time constantly rambling and raving about everything kit does online? Does that sound like a productive use of your time? I don't think it is.

all my posts boil down to "the pacing and prioritization of this comic could use a lot of improvement + i find it weird that the creator isnt raising awareness to a literal genocide going on rn" and you react by writing an angry essay. your ask seems to boil down to "you cant criticize my favorite comic because it might hurt the creators feelings" so im gonna respond with an angrier essay

there are good things about sparklecare, obviously. i resonate with it in some regards. but that doesnt mean its perfect, as nothing is. i dont even tag my shit under the main sparklecare tags (apart from the stuff about kneeby not raising awareness towards palestine) because i know people like you are gonna get upset if you see a conflicting opinion on your dash. the only tags i tend to use are #sparklecriticism and #sparklecare criticism, none of the main tags. block those tags if you dont wanna deal with me.

my criticism is valid (i think) since yeah. the comics writing has a huge problem when it comes to letting things happen naturally instead of rushing them, which results in kneeby having to explain things on the blog (which 99% of the time you have to scroll deep into since the main blog is constantly reblogging the cometcare one) rather than having the comic clarify it on its own. thats a genuine issue in storytelling so i feel like it should be addressed and worked on.

i have way more of a presence online than this blog, obviously. i just dont want this blog connected to my real identity for a wide variety of reasons (mainly not wanting to be harassed even further than i already am)

if youre a friend of kneeby then i think you should tell kit to actually DO SOMETHING to raise awareness to the genocide going on in palestine and other targets, PUBLICLY. not just an announcement in a private discord, a public statement, or AT LEAST reblog the fanart of uni waving the palestinian flag. all the social commentary ive seen (yes im still taking the social commentary into account since the comic was described as such until my blog popped up) has come across as performative to anyone besides the clowns themselves, id love to see kneeby talk about issues that dont just apply to kit.

i know damn well the sparklecare blog is kits biggest platform, kit should use it to raise awareness, i dont care if the topic makes kit sad, it makes me sad too, but i still retweet as much shit about it as possible whenever it crosses my mind because i actually care about issues that dont involve just me and i actually want to do something to change the world. im a teenager and i do more to raise awareness than a group of adults.

im just a kid with opinions

[cryingbilldenbrough]

you: a concept: kasplonbrough also you in the tags of your post: “i’m feeling some bill/eddie/mike ot3!” me: ok bitch it’s time so i’m thinking i’m going to need to know who was dating first and how was the third person added? like i need to know some origin stuff. please and thank you (also ilysm).

OK so let’s build off this post

the thing is, bill knows eddie loves mike more than friends, more than a brother even

he can tell by the way eddie gets a little short of breath when mike bends over to pick up a particularly heavy rock, muscles straining beneath a white shirt

and bill knows mike’s similarly smitten, cause he bites back a smile whenever eddie gets started on one of his rants, gearing up and sucking in a deep breath to get ready to talk for as long as he can without interruption

bill figures he just needs to leave them to it

(even though he’s fallen in love with mike’s smile and his casual wit and his soft-spoken intelligence)

(even though he’s been in love with eddie kaspbrak since before he can remember)

he knows he needs to step back and let them figure it out, without getting his own stupid feelings involved

cause for bill, love is So Messy

he’s a glass table with jagged broken edges, one blow from fracturing further into a thousand pieces

and his friends deserve a love untainted, without fear of breaking

(bill’s kind of an idiot)

anyway, mike and eddie never get together as kids

cause eddie goes off to new york for the second half of high school and mike takes on more responsibility at the farm

and they all kind of just…. forget each other

bill forgets about thursday night dinners and helping mike’s mom cook and he forgets looking out the kitchen window to watch mike and eddie, pink cheeked and eyes watering from battling biting wind, do farm chores with breathless smiles on their faces

bill eats dinner alone at the dining room table at his house and can’t shake the feeling of emptiness in his chest

he shoulders the invisible burden, he goes to college, becomes World Famous Author bill denbrough, and forgets all about Derry and his Family

until mike hanlon calls him late one night

it’s nearing 3am and he’s awake, because bill really doesn’t sleep much

and the caller ID has a number with a maine area code

he answers hesitantly, mind almost numbingly blank, and gets shot back into the past by the sound of mike’s voice

he books the next flight home and spends the journey bouncing his knee anxiously

he gets into town at like noon the next day and immediately goes to the derry public library

mike hanlon grew up handsome, as if there was any worry of that

his shoulders are broad and strong and he shakes bill’s hand with confidence and god, bill feels it all rushing back

the warmth of loving mike flows through his veins and god, how did he forget? how did he let this memory slip past his finger tips

the fear is almost an afterthought, the reason they’re there and Together at the back of bill’s mind, forgotten

he goes back to mike’s house and sleeps in his guest room and bill hasn’t felt so At Home since he stopped going to hanlon family dinners

there’s a piece missing though

cause the dinner table isn’t the same when eddie’s not chattering away 

conversation is stilted, not because mike and bill can’t get along by themselves, but because they’re constantly pausing

as if they know instinctively eddie would want to butt in and say his piece

it’s not until the next day, late into a lazy afternoon 

(mike had gone to work for a few hours in the morning and returned to explain the Full Story of Its return with bill)

eddie comes home

he somehow knows where mike lives, marching right up the porch steps and something in bill’s chest pulls him to the door, answering it before eddie can even knock

eddie kaspbrak grew up good. his hair is fluffy and he has a pair of thin-framed wire glasses on his face and he’s wearing a really warm looking sweater

bill scoops him into a hug and breathes in deep, familiar and grounding

they share a bottle of wine in celebration that night, gathered around the kitchen table at mike’s house

they’re loose, flushed and giggly, and bill looks at his boys with wonder on his face

“how’s your dad?” eddie asks, almost as if the thought has just occurred to him

bill remembers then, remembers cooking with jess hanlon, remembers the bond with mike’s family he once had

mike swallows, looking just a little too old and weary, and tells them of both parent’s tragic deaths

will passed away from cancer a few winters back and jess hanlon followed him peacefully the following spring

it really really fucking hurts to hear

it’s like bill’s been given a gift and then had it ripped from his grip

he reaches out, across the table, and grabs mike’s hand

eddie has the other, fingers interlocked, and they’re a chain of grieving

they spend that night in remembrance of their family and all they shared

as time goes on, the losers arrive one by one

bev then ben then richie (no stan, and that fucking burns too)

they spend a day lost in memories again, relearning a forgotten childhood

and bill tries not to want it

he tries not to want to gather eddie and mike up and flee this cursed town

he tries not to want to finally let himself indulge in a fantasy where he gets both of his boys all for his own

he tries not to picture himself happy

because it’s all going to be torn apart soon

he puts his head down and tries to get some fucking Work done and doesn’t get distracted by eddie’s familiar lilting laugh and mike’s fucking stupid white smile

(it’s not going well)

they go on their Walking Tours and god, it’s only worse

cause mike fucking gives bill the gift of Silver, of memory of childish carefree fun

bill and mike spend the afternoon riding his bike like fucking children

and then eddie comes home from his own Tour with scraped knees and a dirty face and bill plummets back to earth

he remembers why they’re here

he throws himself back into it with fervour

he tries to remember their secrets, their hidden weapons, the reasons they survived the first time

he tries to make a plan, a foolproof plan to beat It

letting himself get lost in mike and eddie is really not a part of the plan

unfortunately (fortunately) for bill, eddie kaspbrak has never once done anything according to bill’s plan

he sneaks into bill’s room late one night, when they’re so close to the end that bill can taste it

there’s a thrumming in the air that bill knows means their time is almost up

(bill doesn’t know that Henry Bowers is currently making his way to the hanlon house, fully intent on killing them all)

he slides the door open almost silently, feet tracking over the hardwood floors, and bill sits up in bed as he enters

“eds?” he says, voice scratchy, and feels eddie sit down on the edge of his bed

“it’s me” he answers, but bill knew that from his soft breath and steady heartbeat

“w-what’s up?”

“oh, nothing. just wondering if we’re gonna die tomorrow.”

bill doesn’t answer. it’s answer enough. eddie sighs and takes a deep breath in, almost like he’s steeling himself

(bill loves his brave boy)

“bill?”

“yeah”

“i love you”

bill wants to brush it off

he wants to go back to forgetting, to letting things fall through his fingers without feeling their loss

but he can’t

“i love you t-too, eds” he says instead

eddie plants a hand on bill’s knee through the blankets and kisses him

just once, light and steady, and then he backs off

and u KNOW that once bill’s tasted the forbidden fruit he can’t forget

he dives back in head first

“what about mike” he can’t help but breathe against eddie’s mouth

“i’m sorry,” eddie says, and moves back

bill chases him, leaning in and trying to capture his mouth again, but eddie’s gone

“what?” bill asks, confused

“i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have,” eddie’s making excuses, running a hand through his hair and bill reaches up to flatten it down “i just thought maybe…. i just figured you had maybe felt what i did but i understand if you’re just interested in mike i shouldnt have assumed and i love mike too it’s okay you two deserve each other i shouldn’t have come in here”

“whoa whoa whoa,” bill says, putting his hands up because eddie is rambling and he isn’t making any sense “eds, i love you,”

“yeah, but–”

“but what?”

“but you love mike” 

bill chuckles

“can’t i love both my boys?” he says

and eddie fucking crashes into him

anyway, i dont feel like getting into logistics bc i have already written too many words of ot3 makeouts and there’s only so many times u can write three-way kissing b4 u wanna die

but they end up in mike’s bed, pressed together on the king size mattress

and that’s when fucking henry bowers makes his debut

but! 

mike’s not alone this time

he’s flanked by bill and eddie and they have something worth fucking fighting for now

they’re been recharged by every moment they’ve been together and they’re fucking unstoppable

mike takes a knife to the thigh and bowers gets off a solid right hook to eddie’s jaw but otherwise they’re virtually unharmed

it has Begun though

they make their way down to the sewer, just like they’re meant to

except man, bill’s powerful this time

(there’s no Audra, nothing to distract him, and his boys are walking strong beside him)

eddie supports mike, the other man’s arm thrown over his shoulder, as they track through the sewers

and while Bill and Richie go into the deadlights, mike is there to help eddie take down the spider

and eddie kaspbrak does not lose his fucking arm

because right as he’s thrusting his inhaler into Its mouth, mike’s arm catches him round the waist and pulls him back

eddie loses the tips of his fingers but it could have been a LOT fucking worse

eddie and mike call bill back from the Deadlights together, whispering “come home bill” into the Void

“you’re too old,” It tries to taunt, tries to distract from the power of eddie and mike calling him back “too old and broken and you’re all going to die here” 

bill hears mike and eddie’s whisper in his head

and turns to richie, eyes flashing wickedly in the dark vaccuum of the void

and he smiles

because nothing can stop bill from getting back to his boys

send me requests/headcanons/prompts!

[j-t-k-moved]

I've finally done it. I've finished my Trollsona. Me as a Troll. This took much more effort than I thought it would be tbh. Anyway this is gonna be a long post tbh. Also if you wanna like draw my trollsona pls do

Name: Scmare Ttieer [Seh-mar Tear] Origin of her name is unknown.

Age: 7.85 Alternian Sweeps [17 Human Earth Years]

Height: 5'6 feet tall. [Not including horns which are around a foot long]

Eyes: |See picture 5|

Gender: Female

BloodColour: Sapphire Blue |See picture 2|

Theme: Space

Quote From Her: "id rather StAy NEUTRAL on thE SituAtion. lEss ChAnCE of ConfRontAtion."

Symbol: |See picture 6|

Lusus: She didn't fully know what it was. It was a strange creature, not related to any of her interest or any creatures located on Alternia. She cared for it all the same.

Weapon: Double ended scythe |See picture 4| [Weapon is around 4 feet long]

Clothing: Black tank top coated in small white specs (represents stars), her symbol on the shirt in her blood colour. Sapphire blue button up over shirt. Black mid thigh shorts. Black boots.

Hair: Thick black hair. Rests just on her shoulders. Usually up in a high ponytail with a Sapphire blue bow.

Interest: Fiduspawn, singing, reading, drawing, crafting, astronomy and dancing

Dislikes: Confrontation, large groups of people, loud noises, herself

Face: Round in shape. Scar across the bridge of her nose. Square thick glasses covering her eyes. Only make up being some black eye liner |See in picture 5|

Body: Chubby body. Muffin top stomach with thick thighs and arms. Stretch marks on stomach and thighs. Weight is probably around 195 pounds.

Horns: |See picture 3|

Teeth: |See picture 1|

Powers: Aura reading, The ability to perceive energy fields surrounding people, places and things. If she focuses hard enough on person she can see colours surrounding their body. These colours can mean multiple things, from how they're feeling to if that person is inherently evil or good.

Troll Tag: dysfunctionalCosmos

Typing Quirk: Capitalizes letters that are in her first name (except when she types her actual name). But when it comes to the word "Neutral" she caps the whole word. Uses & instead of the word 'And' [Sample of a message she has sent. To whom is unknown:

gREEtingS & SAlutAtionS, My nAME iS Scmare Ttieer. It'S niCE to MEEt you. So uM...i dont hAvE MuCh tiME i nEEd to go finiSh SoME tRAining todAy. My LuSuS will SquAwk At ME if i dont, MAinly bEcAuSE i fEEd hiM AftER & will foRgEt to if i dont tRAin. I hopE wE cAn MEEt AgAin... ]

Hemoloyalty: She does not treat trolls of lower blood caste any worse than she would treat a troll of a high blood caste. Though, she does understand her place on the hemospectrum and that unless she wants to get culled she needs to show respect to highbloods. Describes it as being neutral, even though she doesnt approve of the way low bloods are viewed.

Hive: A very simple Hive, even if a bit futuristic looking.. Made of metal, the whole hive in a circular shape. An observatory located right in the middle of the building on the roof. Used for her interest in studying space.

Respiteblock: Messy room with clothes and tools on the floor. Posters of movies and videogames on the walls, along with some of her shitty drawings. Husktop located on a desk in the back of the room. Recuperacoon is located in a far right corner by a window.

Quadrants: None of hers are filled [Unless you count my self shipping, which can be explained elsewhere]

Ancestor: WIP |Will add link when she is finished|

Dancestor: WIP |Will add link when she is finished|

Basic Personality: [For this I have answered 20 questions to help you understand her personality. Hopefully this helps everyone get a clear grasp on what she's like. Since she is me anyway]

1: Is the character generally approachable or does she keep to herself? Why? A: She usually keeps to herself though she's not completely unapproachable. She finds approaching others to be difficult and usually waits for someone else to make the first move.

2: Is the character a hard-worker, or does she take it easy? Does this nature vary for any particular activity? A: Despite being a blueblood she more of a take it easy kinda troll. Though when she puts her mind to something she can work hard and get it done. Of course if she likes the activity, she is more likely to finish it quickly.

3: Does the character give plain answers to others or is she mysterious? A: Plain answers. She prefers to get to the point of what she means.

4: How does the character feel about pets? How about wild animals? Does she have a favorite animal/pet? A: She loves animals. Though she's afraid to go around them due to her strength. Being a blue blood she had a great amount of strength and hasn't learned to control it well. She worries she will hurt the animals and admires them from afar. She doesn't have a favourite as of now.

5: What is the character's religion? Is the character very religious? How does she show it/observe his religion? A: She is questioning her religious beliefs. She cant decide if she believes in a higher being, or if she thinks that too far fetched.

6: How does the character feel about the local ruler? A: She prefers not to take a stance, she doesn't love or hate them.

7: Does the character have any off-putting habits? A: She has a habit of biting her nails as well as biting skin off her lip. Only does this when nervous or bored.

8: What does the character do to relax? A: To relax she will read or sing. These activities calm her nerves the most.

9: Does the character have any unusual voice or speech pattern? A: Besides her typing quirk she doesn't have much trouble speaking clearly. Sometimes she can be too loud when excited about something, or too quiet when upset. She also tends to ramble when talking online and in person.

10: Why was the character given the name she has? A: She doesn't know where her name comes from or what it means. She believes there is no definition for her name, and that it is just a name unlike how other trolls names have meaning. She quit looking for a answer to it long ago.

11: Does the character have a nickname? What is the source of the nickname? Is it flattering or not? How does she react to it? A: Not being the most social Troll in public, she doesn't have many friends to give her nicknames. She was once called Krem online before and found it cute. So if she were to want to be called anything besides her name it would be Krem.

12: Has the character had issues with the law? A: She has never gone against the law. She doesn't like confrontation. Though she might end up having to.

13: Was there something unusual about her childhood? A: Besides her strange Lusus nothing was too weird for her at least.

14: Does the character have a mentor? A: She would consider her mentor her Lusus.

15: Does the character have a scar or some mark? What was the cause? A: The most obvious scar Is the one she has across the bridge of her nose. She got it when she built her first robot that ended up attacking her and cutting her nose. Smaller scars litter her body from accidents when building.

16: What does she consider her greatest achievement? A: Even though the robot attacked her, she considered it her greatest achievement. It was strong, hard to destroy and packed a punch. She was young when she made it, 4 sweeps, and to build something so sturdy at a young age surprised her.

17: Is she able to kill? Under what circumstances does she find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? A: She is very much able to kill. But she only sees it fit if it is in self defense. She will not attack unless attacked first.

18: Does she believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? A: She does, she believes even the most evil people have one.

19: How honest is she about her thoughts and feelings A: She tries to keep a lot of her feelings to herself in fear of being judged. Opening up emotionally like that is hard for her.

20: Does she care what others think of her? A: She does, she finds herself getting nervous out in public. Thinking other Trolls are judging her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next part is a story the explains her background leading to present time.  Backstory Time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[BS] You: Be the strange girls Trollsona  ======>

 You are now, Scmare Ttieer

You enjoy SINGING, DANCING, ASTRONOMY, CRAFTING, READING, DRAWING and a Alternia game called FIDUSPAWN. You are a quiet Troll, even if sometimes you enjoy BREAKING things loudly, who keeps your nose in your own business but opening up when you become close friends with someone. Close enough to fill the Moirail quadrant at the least.

You were hatched on the 9th bilunar perigee of the 1st dark season. Skipping your blurry wiggler days, you were chosen by a strange Lusus after passing your trials. You and your custodian then proceeded to build a secluded hive made of metal in a circular shape.

 You spent most of your younger days learning to build and studying outer space. Your fascination with planets and beings outside of your world was never disturbed by your Lusus, so you learned quickly that there was other life forms out there besides Trolls. You vaguely know of a Alien species called 'Humans' but have not gotten far in your studies.

 Next to that, You tried to learn how to control your strength and violent thoughts. As a blue blood, you has a incredible amount of strength even if your body doesn't look like it. You once busted a hole in the wall of your Hive that took you days to fix (your repair skill were still in development). Being in your blood caste, these things were expected of you, you were to become a solider after all.

 You don't know if you wants that though.

 You always had a strange opinion on the hemospecturm. After studying the history of your Dancestor and Ancestor you learned of the ways they reacted to it. You try to incorporate both of their ways into you view, in hopes of doing what they failed at, which was not dying because you have a opinion. Because of this you remain what you call 'Neutral'

 This means you are trying not to pick a side, in hopes of avoiding confrontation which could end in death on either side. You don't like treating low bloods like they are lesser than you, you never even called another troll a low blood. You also understands that going against a high blood could end in a culling, so you don't speak against them.

 The whole thing is confusing, even for you. Why can't you just make up your mind and fight for what you believe in! Well that's the thing you don't want to fight. Maybe one day you'll figure it all out, you are only 7 sweeps old after all.

  At  4 sweeps though, you made a robot. Your first one. You don't remember what its exact purpose was, but it definitely wasn't to attack you like it did. Which is how you got the scar across your nose. You had won the fight with a bit of damage, your Lusii didn't seem Impressed though.

 That was basically all of your past, building, training to control violent tendencies, doing activities you liked. Your Lusus was your only friend for a while, before you got into the online world one sweep ago. Talking to other Trolls is a lot easier when your behind a husktop. You mainly just play games and maybe have a conversation or two with some others playing with you.

 Even gained the nickname 'Krem' from someone you once talked with. You can't remember who it was or where the name came from, but ...you liked it.

 Now a days you haven't been online much. You'll be a adult soon, become a solider like your supposed you. You might skip out on that though.

 In case of the inevitable to try to go out more, to make friends but its not working. Its not just that you're shy and have anxiety (it mainly is though), its also becase of your Aura reading abilities. Because of this hard to explain power you can tell if a person if bad or good. Angry or happy. You tend to stay away from the Trolls with bad auras.

 Its also takes a lot of focus (since you have trouble focusing on anything for a long time in the first place) to see someone's Aura. So when they catch you starring at them its hard to talk to them after wards and explain why you were looking at them like you were trying not to explode.

 Anyway that's all there really is to say about you. Not too special you see. You live a simple life which is what you wanted. You hope it can stay simple.

 [BS] You: Quit being the Trollsona and go back to scrolling

[very-cherry]

Hey. Hi. Big fan. I don't watch half of the shows that you reblog, but your enthusiasm is quality. Um.. this is super personal, so I totally understand if you don't answer, but how did you realise you were nb?

omg im so sorry you have sat through my tags for this long, buddy you deserve better lmao. but no this is super okay to talk about, and ya its personal but im alright with it bc sometimes its nice to talk about?? like its a lot easier to explain over here rather than to my family (rip) but yeah i can get into it. um, itll be under the cut tho bc its a long answer, so if my other followers (or people who may get triggered) dont wanna read like ya theres that

the short answer: i realised last year, bc of everything that piled up and me finally finding the time to sit down and Think About It.

(tl;dr: at the bottom if youre not here for the Super Long answer)

the long answer: gender had never come easily to me as a kid, like i understood that girls played with dolls and that boys played with trucks. but i also was raised in a family where girls could play with trucks too, as long as they still looked like girls. so from the get go i had a v “tomboyish” look about me, and how i presented myself. i found i was v comfy with the tomboy label growing up, bc it meant i could play with the boys but still be sensitive and emotional while the boys werent allowed to feel like that

my biggest stepping stone tbh was (is) my mother. now if youve followed me for a while you probably know that while my mother loves me, and i suppose i love her (still up in the air), our relationship is v v v v Tense. this is due mostly to the fact that she has this preconceived notion of what the world looks like, and how people should act and present themselves. for her, to have me as a child saying “i wanna dress like a boy” “i wanna be a boy” was no biggie bc i was Just A Kid and would grow up to flourish into a beautiful young woman. which, for the most part, i did. but that doesnt mean i enjoyed it. from the age i was allowed to dress myself, my mother and i would fight about my clothing choices (and i literally mean fight. she would refuse to take me somewhere if i didnt dress the way she wanted. would throw my own clothes at me or on the road outside our house etc) and she would dub my clothes “too casual” and tell me to “dress up” and “look a bit more girly, please?” which i now know is totally Gross and not v nice, but at the time i didnt know any better, i hadnt grown into myself. this, alongside many years of condemnation in regards to my interests and hobbies and things i just enjoyed and wanted to talk about, just Didnt Add Up to my mother. she loved having two pretty daughters, pretty daughters who could wear dresses and live out the life she couldnt bc she fell pregnant with my older sister at 19, and thus had to grow up v quickly (no blame on my sister tho, shes my favourite person in the world and shes trying v hard to understand me and loves me v much)

fast forward a couple years: i was 15 when i first developed my eating disorder. quite frankly, it was only upon realising that im nb as to how i figured out what my ed was Actually About. i didnt like my curves. i didnt like being “girly”. i did constant misguided ab workouts and ate three rice cakes for lunch, followed by nothing but a banana until dinner. my sleep patterns were hit and miss bc i would either write away the pain or stay up wondering what this Thing i was feeling was (spoiler: it was dysphoria). i tried super hard to love my curves, to own myself and how i looked, but it never felt Right. i never understood. i would see my psychologist and ramble about my ed and she would pinpoint it and say it was curves and i would always just say “but its not”. bc it wasnt Just Curves, it was the idea as a whole. and it was v confusing and scary, so much like my exploration into my sexuality, i just put it off.

it was combating my ed that helped me most, i think. it was getting over it, and forcing myself back into a natural sleep pattern (so i could actually do year 12 without wrecking myself). i didnt get over it until around april 2016, which was when i fell in love with the idea of self love, and decided to give it a go. i listened to my psychologist, and she was v patient with me, and was cautious with where i placed my blame (”yes its your mothers fault for making you react and feel this way, her words hurt you. but youre the one that decides what to do with that negativity”) and it was so so so helpful. she taught me that i was deserving of love, and positivity, and that loving youself is a process, and it doesnt always work the way you want it to, but you need to find what makes you happy and keep doing that. for me, that tied into my food, my talents, my friends, and my actions. im not going to sit here and claim that fitness is key to happiness, but its part of whats key to mine (to the point that i have been inspired to become a personal trainer and teach other people that being “healthy” isnt just about food and exercise). each person has their own individual things that keep them balanced, and if yours is painting your nails instead of doing sit ups fucking go for it - just make sure you find that thing, because it gives you clarity.

my clarity hit me in the beginning of year 12, when i Sat Down and really had a think. i thought back to how i wanted to look growing up, how i wanted to act, i remembered the day i first had a proper bra bought for me instead of a crop top and the way i cried for hours that night without knowing why. i remember not wearing shirts to bed and then suddenly feeling awful when i started having to. i remembered trying to wear boxer shorts and nothing else around the house and being yelled at. i remembered telling my dad i wanted to look how he did when he was 18, and yelling at him when he said “but dont you want to be pretty like your mum”. i remembered my sister cutting my hair in the dead of night in her bedroom, bc i didnt want to look the way i did. i remembered wearing all these oversized clothes to hide my chest. being uncomfortable when anyone (family or stranger) would say “lady”, “girl”, “miss”, “female”. shrinking into myself when someone pointed out my curves. looking in thw mirror and only smiling when my hands were covering and pushing my chest. looking at the scale and not seeing anything other than a number that meant i was stuck being curved. refusing to go swimming bc it meant having to wear a bikini instead of just board shorts. wanting to play on the mens basketball team, wearing mens clothes, being mad when i suddenly couldnt wear them anymore. overcompensating by wearing midriffs and muscle shirts and short shorts and lacy underwear to impress my boyfriend(s) bc i was their GIRLfriend and this is what I Needed To Do. wearing clothes around my first girlfriend that i was really comfortable in, and her telling me that im still nb even if i have to wear a bra for now, and that she wouldnt ever take my shirt off or act as if my chest ever existed if thats what would keep me comfortable, and me nearly crying bc of how validating and overwhelming it was.

it all hit me at once, and i was struck with the blatant honesty of what this had been all along. id ignored it and shoved it down bc i didnt want to upset my mother, disappoint her. i didnt want to be what she never wanted. but then i remembered that i am deserving of love, even if its only ever from myself. 

so i told my best friend, and she was so wonderful with it, and she asked what pronouns i wanted to use from now on, and she helped me ease into shopping for clothes. and i bought a binder, and it fits v well and i fucking love it. and i told my other friends, and all the ones who matter are v supportive and beautiful (one even offered to make me a suit). and i told my two favourite cousins, and my sister, and they make sure to text me that i should stretch when i wear my binder, or to take deep breaths in case i forget to and its v homey and nice and they want me to be happy. and i blurted it out to my mother and she fucking hates it, and shes threatened to “burn” my binder if she ever sees it, to “rip it off [my] body” if i ever wear it in front of her, that she wants “nothing to do with It” and that “its a fucked up idea” someone has “put into my head”. but you know what? thats okay, bc i Know who i am now. and sometimes things dont always go how you want, and sometimes the people who love you most cant love all of you, and i want you guys to know that if that ever happens, youre not obligated to love them back, okay? love yourself, love those who love All Of You.

tl;dr: years of dysphoria piled onto me when i had a hot ten minutes to fully think about it in between classes.