#icylancet ink

[icylancet]

also . wanted to share a portion of my current twst fic wip! idk when i'll post this nor how long i want this to be, but it's just a malleus & silver (brothers) fic and an introspection on their relationship dynamic as the years pass by :D i think it's just super interesting to analyze, particularly since malleus (or fae in general) easily lose track of time, which is contrasting to humans' concept of time.

time is a social construct..... it's a very interesting theme to play around with. i think my philosophy class has been getting too into my head lately.

[icylancet]

❄️ icylancet

Welcome to Zen's writing blog!

STATUS: Semi-active 😴

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Zen, and I'm a Filipino non-binary lesbian (they/them) who likes wasting my time by overanalyzing details and writing stories. My main interests are currently: 2ha, Enstars, Twisted Wonderland, Mahoyaku, Akuneko, Persona 5, VS AMBIVALENZ, and Vtubers (Nijisanji/HoloPro/FSP EN)

You can find me on Twitter/X, Ao3 (gumunita), Ko-fi (icylancet).

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Personal Tags

icylancet print (my own completed works),

icylancet ink (drafts/wips/uncompleted works),

icylancet zen (posts unrelated to writing/yapping spree)

Masterlist

[icylancet]

sa pagsikat ng araw, nag-iiba ang aking mukha. minsa'y may eyeshadow at eyeliner na nakapalibot sa aking mga mata. kapag sinipagan, tiyaka na ako maglalagay ng foundation at concealer. minamadali ko pang ituyo ang aking buhok, kapag ito kasi'y natitikwas, pakiramdam ko na hindi ito ang tunay na 'ako.'

pagsapit ng hapon, ang utak ko'y litong-lito. ano nga ba ang tingin sa 'kin ng mga taong ito? kilala lang naman nila ako base kung ano ang nakikita nila sa akin: maitim ang buhok, magandang lagay ng eyeliner, ang mga matang 'di na masisilayan dahil sa mahabang bangs. nakikipagkuwentuhan pa rin ako sa kanila, para lamang may kasiglaan at kasabikan sa buhay kong walang-galaw.

nang bumangon na ang buwan, bumabalik ako sa tunay na 'ako' nais kong itanggi. nagpapakita na ang aking maiitim na bilog sa ilalim ng mga mata kong pagod, nawawalan ako ng paki para bigyang-pansin ang magulo kong buhok, ni hindi ko na nais mamuhay nang masigla. sa mata ng ibang tao, aakalain na ako'y gumagalaw na para bang isang manananggal — sumisipot lamang para pagsamantalahan ang mga taong namumuhay nang tahimik at mapayapa.

kahit mukhang gumagalaw ako gaya ng isang manananggal, wala naman akong kakayahan na mag-iba ng buong katawan kung kailan ko nais. sa paglalagay ng kung ano-ano pang pwede sa aking mukha, iyon pa rin ay tanging akin. hindi rin naman ako kumakain ng bilis ng isang buntis. kinakain ko kung ano kinakain ng tao (tulad ng kare-kare, hindi dugo). binubuo ko ang aking sarili. ang kapangitang nakaloob sa aking sarili ay siyang bumubuo rin sa 'kin. ako ay ako, kahit sirain ako mula balat hanggang buto. tanging paglipas ng panahon lamang ang sagot para matanggap ko ang sarili kong 'ako.'

[icylancet]

i don't get why people think rocks are useless. in fact, sometimes i feel more useless than a rock lying on the side of the road. that rock could have come from a garden of flourishing flowers for the aesthetic appeal, or maybe it contributed to the soil formation of the ground. i'm not as important as a rock; i'm just a completely average person. i understand this fact because it's been long since i've come to terms with this. but being surrounded by extraordinary people who are as bright as diamonds merely makes me feel like a fake and just as useless as how people view rocks. sometimes i feel that it would have been much better if i was a rock that was constantly kicked, run over, or thrown into the distance instead of living as someone just average and completely useless.

[icylancet]

reikao short drabble. i have a lot of reikao wips in my drafts and this is one of my babies. originally posted this as a twitter threadfic in my private account with 0 followers but i realized i need to dump this publicly. run free and live life to the fullest unnamed reikao short drabble #3. story under the cut

WORD COUNT: 842

Kaoruʼs heart hammered continuously against his chest, its pounding beat—accompanied with his distressed thoughts—filled his ears instead of listening to the man in front of him.

He had prepared a lot for this song; of course, he would—it was for his sister, after all. He needed to put more than enough effort for her—he shoved all his responsibilities to his sister and brother. He has this itching urge to repay them back; it was the least he could do for them—for himself.

And as such, of course, Kaoru is nervous as fuck.

Him and the rest of UNDEAD are preparing to perform for the reception. They sat at a secluded corner of the room to prepare everything, but Kaoru has yet to calm himself down. He knew it was no use worrying, but he canʼt help it—he needed to do his best to not disappoint again, he needed to give it his all to show them that he took the right path, he needed to... He needed t—

“—Kaoru-kun, are you feeling alright?”

The deep, gentle voice of Rei interrupted his train of thoughts. Somehow recently, Rei could easily notice his sudden shift in moods.

“Y-Yeah, sorry. Iʼm just a bit nervous, thatʼs all,” he replied as he nervously twirls the ends of his hair.

Kaoru paused, suddenly remembering that he had to tie his hair. He met Reiʼs eyes then flashed a grin at him, “hey, you think you can tie my hair for me, pretty please?”

“Hm? Whatʼs with the ‛pleaseʼ all of a sudden~?” Rei teased, but still took the hair tie that Kaoru handed to him.

Rei gathered the stray strands of Kaoruʼs soft, blonde hair, and started combing it with his fingers. He then continued to gently brush his hair as Kaoru hummed.

After a few seconds of silence, Kaoru hesitantly mumbled, “Well, I... Itʼs kinda.. Iʼm—”

“...Itʼs a bit nerve-wracking, isnʼt it?” Rei finished the sentence for him as he took the hair tie that was on his wrist, tying Kaoruʼs hair together.

“I understand your anxiousness, Kaoru-kun,” he whispered, and Kaoru shivered from Reiʼs breath that suddenly brushed against his ear.

Rei continued, “fear may be present, but you shouldnʼt let it destroy your confidence.”

“Youʼre talented, adorable, a good boyfriend,” Rei paused, looking around the venue before he quickly planted a soft kiss on Kaoruʼs head.

He added, “most importantly, youʼre a good brother. You may think youʼre not necessarily good, but Iʼm sure your siblings would disagree.”

“So, donʼt worry about performing later. Iʼm sure your sister would enjoy, regardless.”

A tint of red slowly covered his whole face. Rei surely knew how to flatter him, huh.

Before Kaoru could reply, Rei quickly planted another kiss on the nape of his neck causing him to flinch

“R-Rei-kun...!”

“Kaoru-kun~!”

Kaoru turned around to face Rei, who was equally as red as him. He pouted as he scolded him, “could you lessen it with the PDA~? I know my sister likes you a lot as my boyfriend and as an idol, but you donʼt have to show off too much!”

“And! Weʼre idols! Our asses will get kicked, if our relationship went public, you know~?” Kaoru whined.

“Ah, but at the end of the day, weʼre still partners regardless of our relationship status, are we not?” Rei smirked. And Kaoru wants to wipe it off his face.

Partners, huh...

Who knew heʼd be able to call someone that—who knew that someone would call him that?

Him... Koga, Adonis... Rei... It was all just a coincidence for them to meet together. He never intended to stick this long, but here they are—performing for his sister.

And... Rei has been a good partner to him; whether it be as idols, friends, or lovers; he had been subtly helping him since the start of 3rd year, and up until now. Rei was always there for him, always showed up for him.

Heʼs really glad to be his partner—

“I love you, Rei-kun.”

The words poured out of his mouth as if it were a waterfall. It came out like a whisper, shocking both himself and Rei.

Blushing from his sudden declaration, Kaoru looked up to check Reiʼs reaction—and to no surprise, Rei was as red as him again.

Kaoru giggled, “youʼre like a tomato, Rei-kun~”

Rei frantically blinked, his eyes straying away from his until he looked back to glare. “Whoʼs fault do you think that is?”

“Donʼt just say that out of nowhere, Kaoru-kuuun~!” Rei groaned, dropping his head on Kaoruʼs shoulders.

“...I love you, too,” he whispered, tilting his head, so his bright red eyes could stare at Kaoruʼs light brown ones that were shining like a jewel.

Kaoru hummed. He patted Reiʼs head, then said, “letʼs go now, shall we?”

Rei nodded, but his supposed reply was suddenly interrupted—

“Oi, can you two stop it with the flirting?”

They both turned their heads to Koga, who glared daggers at their direction. Kaoru smiled apologetically, then walked towards him and Adonis with Reiʼs hand in his.

[icylancet]

vent writing where i project my own experiences with grief to hakaze kaoru not because i am a kinnie because it's 3am and my anxiety started acting up. most of these experiences about kaoru and his mom were made up pls don't treat as canon hdjfkdhf they only canon kaoru thing here is he's good with housework and cooking!!!!!! vent post under the cut

WORD COUNT: 1660

Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice.

He worries about forgetting the smile she used to have on her face when he would tell her about the shells he found on the beach.

He worries that his mother's melodious laugh after his brother makes a joke would escape his mind at any moment.

He worries he would fail to remember combing her soft, silky blonde locks with his hands as he and his sister carelessly style their mother's hair into braids.

He worries when the feeling of having a mother to defend his actions while his father scolds him for acting too lax and foolish is starting to fade away.

Kaoru worries that, one day, he suddenly forgets.

He knows, however, there were moments after her passing that he will never forget:

Was it weird that he did not shed a tear the moment he knew his mother passed away?

Perhaps it was because, hours prior he found out about his mother's passing, he finally had the courage to engage in a conversation with his classmates. Perhaps the brief feeling of happiness that bursted within him throughout the school hours was too overwhelming that he couldn't bring himself to feel sad.

But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother longer than his classmates. Why didn't he cry? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Was it wrong that he didn't understand what “being dead” means?

He was a middle school student when his mother passed — not a kid anymore. Shouldn't he have understood what death means? Couldn't he see his mother's lifeless body kept inside the open casket during her wake? Didn't he realize the hushed murmurs from the guests, ranging from: “poor kids, their mother left them too soon,” to “what will happen to their family now?” while his sister sobs through the microphone, in a poor attempt to talk about their mother? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he?

Kaoru worries that, one day, these too are something he suddenly forgets.

Loud wailing and sobbing echoed around the graveyard as his mother’s casket was being lowered down. Kaoru, however, has barely shed a tear.

But isn't that weird? There was no doubt that he was his mother's favorite. So why hasn't he cried since her death up until her burial?

As soil covered up his mother's casket, it was only then when Kaoru had felt something — yet that unfamiliar feeling, he knew, was not pain.

Kaoru knew that pain was supposed to make you wake up in the middle of the night to cry, it was supposed to make your heart tighten while you see something that reminds you of your late loved one, it was supposed to make you scream and destroy objects knowing that you can't do anything about what had happened in the past that made you feel so much in pain.

In that moment, however, Kaoru merely felt nothing. It was as if an empty void was suddenly attached within him. Memories of his mother didn't leave immediately, they were still a part of him even as her casket was completely covered in soil. But the moment his father uttered the words: “goodbye,” it was then when he understood what death truly meant. The emptiness within him started to feel heavy as he stared at the soil where his mother is kept underneath. He suddenly became aware of the loud cries from his brother as he clutched his chest, yelling for their mother in the empty sky, and his sister's uncontrollable sobbing as she softly called for their mother. Kaoru should have understood this earlier. He should have. He should have. He should have. He should have.

The Hakaze house is silent when they return. His sister hurries to the kitchen, still in tears, to cook food for dinner because who will make pancakes now that mother is gone? His brother pats his head, tells him to not worry about the household chores and focus on his school work first because who will clean his room now that mother is gone? His father heads to store mother’s collection of seashells and marine life books in a spare room because who will use them now that mother is gone?

His family are on the first step of moving on from their mother's death, but how can Kaoru move on along with them when it was only at this moment that everything started to sink in. “Goodbye,” continues to loop inside of his head like a broken music player as he stands still in the middle of their house. Goodbye, mother. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

A year after his mother's death, Kaoru cries — sobs alone in his room. Tears flow out from his eyes as he sobs in his pillow, what a shame, he had just changed the pillow cover the other night because of the same reason. Kaoru sobs alone in the house; his father is still out working, his brother has moved out from their house and lives somewhere in the city, and his sister is busy with her last week at university.

An hour later, Kaoru leaves his room to make pancakes because he noticed he hasn't had his first meal for the day, but the pancakes he made don't taste the same like how his mother used to make them.

Two hours later, Kaoru starts washing the leftover dishes from last night, then sweeps the floor of the common area because dust started accumulating on the floor again.

Five hours later, Kaoru spends the entire evening rereading the collection of his mother's old marine life books. He spends the next hour reciting to himself about the specific type of each seashell from his mother's dusty seashell collection because his mother wasn't by his side anymore to tell him about the lives of the seashells.

Kaoru worries that these, too, are something he suddenly forgets.

The first year he enters Yumenosaki Academy, he refuses to form any sort of close relationship between his classmates or any student in general. He thinks, perhaps, that it is for the best; he doesn't want the empty void within him to grow even bigger because of a sudden mishap with his hypothetical relationships.

The second year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, he starts to question himself why he decided to even enroll in this school. He dislikes forming close relationships yet he placed himself in a situation wherein relationships are important for survival. Well, it wasn't like he was serious about becoming an idol, anyway. But, at least for this year, he talked to different kinds of people—though he could barely even call them acquaintances.

The third and last year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, it becomes the first time he has allowed people to enter his life since his mother's death. It was the first time he cried in front of someone other than his sister — even multiple times. It was the first time he formed a bond that he is confident enough to call friendship. Kaoru still struggles with accepting people in his deeper side of life, yet the empty void within him still stays the same. However, a newer and warmer feeling starts growing inside of him.

The first year in Ensemble Square, Kaoru realizes he is starting to forget what kind of smile her mother always had on her face.

He realizes he is starting to forget in what situations his mother would laugh at.

He realizes he is starting to forget whether his mother preferred her hair in three-strand braids or French braids.

He realizes he is starting to forget what kind of stuff he used to do for his mother to wholeheartedly defend him against his father.

Kaoru comforts himself in the fact that, despite his memory slowly fading away, he will never forget the experience and memories he has with his mother.

He remembers him and his mother stepping barefoot on sand at the beach for the first time. He remembers when his mother first taught him how to ride a wave. He remembers the warm feeling in his chest knowing that his mother is home, ready to serve pancakes to him the moment he returns. He remembers the shame he felt when he realizes that his mother cleaned his messy room while he went out to play with his brother at the playground. He remembers listening to his mother talk about seashells and sharks in between coughs while lying down the hospital bed. He remembers staring at her cold, lifeless body inside the casket, seconds before they finally closed it.

Kaoru remembers it all.

And it's the little things like these constantly remind him that, although the empty void within him might never disappear, his mother took part in building the warmth inside of him. And that warmth will continue to exist within him through his memories of him and his mother.

His mother exists in the necklace she gave to him when he first entered school. She exists in the cold, sea breeze that brushes against his cheeks when he visits the seashore at night. She exists in his first solo song that he wrote with her in mind. She exists in the stories he tells about her to his friends, his juniors, and his fans. She exists in his father, his brother, his sisters — and within himself.

Sometimes Kaoru worries that he might forget everything one day.

But worrying about forgetting in itself is already a reminder that it would be difficult to forget something of such importance.

And even if he does end up forgetting, Kaoru is certain that nothing will replace the feelings, emotions, and memories that he experienced throughout the entire years of remembering his mother.

Oftentimes, Kaoru now relaxes knowing that he was able to experience a life with his mother and also become a part of his mother's life. And his mother will still continue to exist through his own memories.