#ichooseyouella

[loveleads]

I Choose You Ella

You guys! I am wanting to share more of Ella’s story with y’all if that’s okay. I can promise you this, it will be long, it will be messy but yet it will also be beautiful, so so beautiful and I promise to be totally honest, raw and unedited. So friends, bear with me as I share my journey and my heart with you all.

December of 2015 I had a heart to heart with God, I remember tears flowing, heart breaking and dreams fading as I put in to words what I was feeling. As I sat there in my mess, I told the Lord He had two options (truth bomb, I know I know, the Jenna today wouldn’t give the Lord options, but Jenna 3 years ago did). The first option would be that He would grant me what I had asked of Him and I would get pregnant or He would need to take away the desire in my  heart to have another baby. I told myself I was fine either way, but the longing for another little Gruber was something I couldn’t shake.  

The end of January is when we found out about our sweet Ella. I was thrilled, a little surprised and totally grateful. When I found out I was pregnant with Wyatt, I was scared, unsure and unprepared. I didn’t know how to be a mom, I didn’t feel like I was ready to have children and I was certain we couldn’t afford a child at that time. When I found out I was pregnant with Maddy, I was certain there was no way my heart could ever love someone as much as i did Wyatt, so I was equally as scared and unprepared for Madelyn. This was the first pregnancy I felt like I was ready for. No doubt, no fear, no question about whether or not I was prepared. I learned with Madelyn that my whole heart could love each of my children equally and I knew I had more room in my heart for another child. I was ready, prepared and absolutely sure about this one. I considered myself a pro and thought I knew everything I needed to know about pregnancy and life with a newborn.

In March I went in for a routine ultrasound. I thought nothing of it and actually went in to the appointment eager to find out the gender of the baby. I was disappointed when the technician told me she couldn’t tell me anything about the baby and that she couldn’t answer any of my questions. I remember her being cold and short with me as she told me my doctor would be calling me soon. I had to follow up the ultrasound with blood work so I went directly to my doctor’s office for the blood draw. Mid draw,  the doctor raced in. I could tell in the way she spoke that something was wrong. She told the nurse to take more blood and looked at me to explain the situation. Something was found in the ultrasound and more tests were needed. 

The next morning we rushed to Eugene to see the specialist. We sat with a genetic counselor before we saw the specialist, she gave us all the worst case scenarios and explained to us all the options. After seeing the specialist, he confirmed what the ultrasound from the day before had seen and he sent us home. That two hour drive home was brutal. I sat in the passenger seat and cried, lots of ugly tears. I questioned everything and I honestly did not know what would happen next.    

As we drove home, we discussed what had just happened. We both so desperately wanted to hear that everything was going to be okay but didn’t. I left that appointment feeling heartbroken, I felt conflicted and I felt convicted. I had doctors telling me one thing about my baby and the word of God saying something completely different. The doctor said the chances of something being seriously wrong with our baby was 95% but then I had God’s word stored in my heart saying that my baby was fearfully and wonderfully made, created by God, in His image to be used for His glory. My head and heart said two completely different things and I was broken.

I remember the moment my doctor called me. I was at a local coffee shop having coffee with one of my best friends. One of the test results came back. She said it wasn’t bad but it also wasn’t good. She said we needed to make some plans. More tests meant more risk (with potential miscarriage) and termination of the pregnancy had to happen within a certain amount of time. I walked to the bathroom embarrassed by all the tears flowing down my face and I remember exactly where I stood as I told the doctor that we would not be terminating this pregnancy and we would not do any of the tests that ran the risk of miscarriage. As I said those words out loud I had a mixture of emotions. I felt relieved, happy, scared, uncertain, fearful and excited. I didn’t see what God saw in that moment. I didn’t know I was moving forward in trusting Him and His plans for my life. All I knew, was that my whole body was telling me I was wrong, to change my mind, to change our plans, to run and to run fast. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the first step to a beautiful journey that got me to where I am today. Jenna today isn’t perfect, I am a hot mess most days, but the Jenna today would have walked through that situation with much more expectancy, much more faith and much more confidence. Recently I was sharing Ella’s story with a dear friend, a mom who has been where I have been, who has successfully raised her daughter who also had some special needs growing up. I was saying how I wished I had the same confidence in Christ that I have now back then. That that confidence alone would have radically changed that year for me and for my entire family. You know what she said in response to that? She said, no, don’t do that. God knew exactly where you were and He knew what He was doing. Freedom!

Okay now back to the doctor’s phone call. Here I am standing in the bathroom of a local coffee shop, tears flowing as I am telling my doctor our plans. I remember her exact words to me, she said, and I quote “great! Now we have a plan and we will move forward with noninvasive testing.” Her words were simple and direct. She showed no emotion and didn’t question me and my decision. God’s littlest blessing right there. One of these days I plan on asking my doctor if she is a believer, because everything inside of me says she is and I know inside my heart that she extended much grace and love to me that day without even realizing it. Yes, she is my doctor and she can’t tell me what to do. But her words spoke directly to my heart as simple as they might have been, I felt comforted, I felt like we had someone on our side. She became such a pivotal part of my life that year. 

Matt and I sat at the edge of our bed one morning, talking to the doctor on the phone. After we talked about all the scary stuff, she asked me if we wanted to know the gender. We of course said yes. A girl. We both cried. Naming children is hard for us Grubers, we never seem to agree on names. But this one was different. We knew months before she was even created that her name would be Ella. Ella. This baby had a name, she was wanted, she had a purpose. Her name means light and although we didn’t know it at the time, she would become the very meaning of her name.

Over the next few months, it seemed like we couldn’t catch a break. One thing was ruled out and another thing became a concern. None of my other pregnancies were high risk, so the term alone scared me. It brought so much fear and uncertainties in to my life. I looked around at friends who were pregnant or just had their babies, all healthy and whole. My heart broke silently. I was jealous, envious, angry and confused. My life that year was hard. I closed off people who loved me, I told myself that no one else knew how I felt and therefor I didn’t want their encouragement, support or help, I cried all the time, I questioned every little thing I did and I sincerely wondered if this was all my fault. 

About a year ago I attended a book study with the ladies of my church. We read through the book called “The Emotionally Healthy Woman” (haven’t read it? DO IT! Life changing for sure). One of the chapters talked about Faulty Thinking. Faulty thoughts enter in to our minds if we allow them. They are the lies we tell ourselves that determine our attitude, it determines what we do and how we behave. Reading this book, God highlighted a faulty thought I held on to for over a year, one that almost destroyed me. When Ella’s ultrasound came back saying that something was wrong, I immediately felt responsible for it. Here I had two healthy children at home and I was asking for more. I told myself that God said no to me for so many months and yet I kept asking. After Ella was born that thought continued, I didn’t realize it at the time, but it would show its ugly head every now and again. Every time Ella had a test done, every time Ella struggled, every time she fell behind or was in pain, I blamed myself. My faulty thought told me I choose this life for Ella and now, I had to sit back and watch her struggle, watch her fall behind and watch her suffer. All because I wanted one more baby. I took this lie to heart and I felt it for a really long time without even realizing it was stored in my head, my messy, messy head. After Ella was born, the faulty thought hung out in the back of my mind and only came out in the hard times. It came out when we were waiting for test results, when we were waiting for referrals, when I sat in the hospital’s waiting room for a test to be completed and it came out every time I took Ella to the doctor’s office. It showed up on play dates with friends who have babies the same age as Ella and it showed up in my home, often. This faulty thought’s only mission was to destroy.

So, faulty thoughts can destroy, yeah I learned that the hard way. Once that lie was brought to light, it no longer had power over me. I was free from the thoughts that once held me captive. I began flooding my heart and mind with God’s truth. Every time a faulty thought popped up, I would give it no room to rest in me. I combated the evil thoughts with God’s truth. My sweet girl was the one we waited for. It took us months of disappointment because God knew exactly what He was doing. He knew our family needed this ONE. He knew I needed this one. He knew this world needed this one. He knew that this child would be the one who got my attention, the one who radically changed the way I see people, the way I see God, the way I see the world. I was a compassionate person before Ella, but man can I tell you the depths of my soul long to walk alongside women who are hurting, women who feel lost, women who feel alone. There is power in our story, if only we allow others to hear it.

Ella was dedicated a few weeks after she was born. I knew her life verse before I even opened my bible. 1st Samuel 1:27-28  “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” Friends, Ella’s story isn’t over yet. The first year of her life was some of my hardest days I’ve ever walked through. But that is another story for another day.