#icankin

[fictionkinfessions]

I may as well get this one off of my chest: I don't know what I could've done any differently. I've been wracking my brain trying to think of it for months. I keep reading all of this insistence that I should've, yet nobody can ever offer alternatives themselves. I know that what I did wasn't ideal. But out of every possible outcome that I spent so, so long thinking through, that was the one I thought would hurt him the least. I thought, foolishly, that it wouldn't at all.

It did. I was wrong. I understand that now. But what else could I have done? We couldn't run; the chance had long past, and there were too many eyes on us. We couldn't simply refuse what was ahead of us; they had their ways of forcing these things, and the punishment would've been too severe for disobedience. I'm not sure he would've even cared to save himself by that point, and that's the worst thought of all. There was no avoiding it. The only thing I could do was sway the results in his favor, and I couldn't afford to fail at that.

I know it seems terrible. It felt terrible. I wish it was a choice I never had to make. But would it really have been better, had I chosen to be violent instead, as if that would've been a fair fight? As if that would've given him any strength to go on? What if the audience liked something like that this time, rather than disqualifying me? They were hypocritical. They had no morals. They didn't care about us when we weren't giving them a show. That's why I had to get it perfectly. I had to ruin my reputation, so no favorites could be played. I had to show him in the same breath that I was doing it with intention, for him, that any "hostility" I'd turn to afterwards wasn't going to be anything real (and even then, I could hardly fake it. I hesitated. I trembled the whole time. I didn't want to hurt him).

I wanted him to go on without me. I wanted him to have a chance to find some sort of peace. Happiness. I wanted him to have a reason to try again, if I could give him that.

I know it wasn't the most gentle display in the world, and if it were up to me, we'd have never been in that position at all... but I wish we had been able to be softer. I guess I wanted him to know that also, even if I never thought he'd want it too. Selfish of me, maybe. But I've already paid the price for it all.

My point is... I did my best. It wasn't enough. Even in the end, I couldn't do anything right by him. But that scene was never ending well. I suppose I'm the easiest to blame and belittle for it, as if it was somehow my choice, us landing in that situation. I just wish people would stop pretending it was anything but a last resort. It was life or death. I wasn't letting him throw his away.

-Ivan (Alien Stage) #☄️🌊🖤

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