#iM TRYING MY HARDEST NOT TO CRY
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im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore im not gonna be my past anymore
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idk how to deal with a family that doesn't understand having an invisible disability doesn't make it any less severe... Am I supposed to groan and cry and complain and narrate my daily experience for them to take me seriously? Shall I just not hold onto the railing while going down the stairs so they can see my tumble down without support? Should I fall every time a single misstep makes me dizzy or I round a corner a bit more quickly than I usually do (which is still slower than the average person?). Should I get out of bed when I couldn't sleep the night before because I was awoken by pain and my pain meds didn't do anything yet again and so I tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position to sleep even for five fucking minutes? Should I do that and risk cutting myself while cooking or accidentally running in front of a car or just randomly passing out??? Should I point out every time my leg twitches or my hands tremble involuntarily? Should I make note of the pain I experience after every laugh, every sneeze, every cough, every quick turn of my head, every time I tilt up my head, every time I lift something heavy, every time I bend over, every time I literally do anything at all?
Of course I'm going to do things to enjoy myself!! Am I not allowed to live?? I do horse riding even though I've been told not to because it's one of the only things I thoroughly enjoy and that is a balm to my soul. Sure my hips hurt afterwards and occasionally my shoulder but I still do it because I love it and it's good for my heart. Just because I do this one physical activity doesn't mean I am any less in pain.
I am not LAZY! I am not UNRELIABLE! I am actually trying really hard to not be a nuisance and help out and be there. Fuck you. I hate you for making me hurt even more.
#disability#tw ableism#invisible illness#invisible disability#chronic illness#neurological disability#i am trying#why can't you see how hard im trying please#I'm gonna cry at the fucking train station#i try my hardest to be understanding#I've never been the kind of person to undermine anothers pain because they are in pain as well#you moan about your back pain but you don't take my chronic pain serious at all. i experience this every day of my life
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"Misako sucks, she abandoned Lloyd-"
How many times did Garmadon up and leave him.
Do you. Really think boarding school is. Abandonment.
#dont demonise misako (who left to try and save her family) and then praise that man and call him the best father ever when hes done worse#sorry just. god.#'but he loved his son and didnt want to be evil 🥺' so. his intentions matter?#but intentions mean nothing when it comes to misako?#who straight up says leaving him was the hardest thing shed ever had to do. but to save him (and the world but him first) she felt she had-#no choice#?#and she had every intention of coming back?#im so tired man#misako you deserve so much better than the way these people treat you. oh my god. oh. my god.#why am i going to cry
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aughhhh (clutches my cursed eye.)
#Sorry to vent on tumblr but i have nowhere else to talk right now:#i was doing so good in school but ive taken a steep decline and it feels like everything is Over and i'm failing. its literally just three#classes. all i can do all day is cry and stare at the wall and i dont feel like anything really at anything i do. i dont know what to do an#its killing me. Im gonna do something that lands me on national television. im in pain all day and have a migraine every day and when i don#im busy sobbing the rest of the time. i know its just because its that time of the year but that doesnt really help me at all. im trying my#hardest and it still isnt enough. Wat am i supposed to do. Theyre putting me down tomorrow.#i have not felt this bad in a while and its not Nice and I Dont Like it and I cant pull myself up. i cry as soon as i wake up. Who is#putting me through some matt murdock depressive episode simulator.#i need help but theres nothing anyone can help with and i dont want to be here*#*here meaning the state i live in.#i am so Alone here.#i feel little and stupid
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#been crying the whole day thinking abt every single sad thing that's happened or could happen#also i rlly despise myself i feel like a worthless loser and i hate summer and i feel lonely. and all this also makes me cry#3am and im missing my dog again and cant stop sobbing. i hope she's doing well in doggy heaven 💔#my head hurts and i feel miserable and i think there's smth wrong w me#i guess ill try to sleep anyways. ive been feeling bad weird for a few days now despite trying my hardest to distract myself#sorry for being negative just needed some place to vent....#my posts
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want them to beat the shit out of me honestly
#howls#long tags teehee#they pretended to punch my face earlier and ive been thinking about that since#i mentioned that aside from hickeys and being bitten and i rarely ever bruise#and any scars i get fade very quickly#the look on their face was like that was a challenge to them#maybe it is#i joked that i was the perfect victim expecting them to not like that joke#but they thought it was funny and now im sitting here like. please make me victim to you#i wanna Fight them i want them to beat me and i wanna try my hardest to fight back in earnest#and i want them to overpower me and win and make me their victim#i want them to keep track of the things that i mention trigger me and eventually use them against me#i want them to force me into fight or fawn#and they can do all their cute and sweet aftercare things after the fact#but i want to feel scared of them#i want to create a fake safeword to use when i normally would want to safeword but dont want them to stop just yet#and i want them to laugh at me and make me cry and use me until theyre too tired to continue#which i can only imagine would feel like fucking forever for me#the stamina on that mf.. when he picked me up to fuck me better i actually screamed#creating a habit of fucking me fully awake when he sees me waking up..#and im meant to not get obsessed with him.. ok#also intentional aftercare in name isnt foreign to me but its definitely something to get used to because just something as simple as him-#holding me and telling me i did good after violent sex meant the world to me#crazy
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Play Father of Boy today only for 14.99
#ive been playing god of war#lovely game#everyone should play it#its the second game ive played where you have to take care of a kid and i never knew i loved these kinds of games#just gruff fathers trying their hardest to protect their kids while going on a journey is my favorite genre of games#if its not obvious the second game im talking about is the last of us#an also very lovely game#both have made me cry so hard
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#my crush literally tries his hardest to ignore us im crying😭#while i help cram my 3 friends’ projects behind us#i saw him play chess to pass time#and i’ve never been more called to prod and want someone to get angry at me#he’s so calm it’s both sexy and frustrating#my man just trying his best to conceal his existence#little does he know i have a big fat crush on him and my friends helped conspire this seating arrangement#ur respectfully mine from now on sir#entp#intj#infp#esfp#enfp#mbti personalities#16 personality memes#psychology#⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
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god i fucking hate the feeling of knowing exactly what you need to help you and telling people that clearly and loudly and asking for help in the most specific ways you know how and still being ignored or being told they don't know what to do for me
#negative#like i'm literally fucking explaining it to you in the clearest fucking words imaginable#and i'm still being told I'M WRONG or being seen as unimportant or not worth the energy#my entire life has been entirely built around changing everything about myself for others' comfort#i'm at my absolute limit#i've met everyone else halfway but they all expect me to do ALL of the work#i can't do any more i need support from SOMEONE PLEASE#im literally at a point where i'm fucking tempted to buy 'friends' off of fiverr just to have someone to TALK to i'm fucking dying#i just hate that the theme of my ENTIRE life has been 'you're too much to deal with go away'#when i don't even have a personality at this point because all i've ever been allowed to be is for other peoples' comfort#and my last friendship being me trying my absolute hardest and BEGGING for connection and just being met with a silent brick wall#and just ending with an unceremonious complete ghosting with no explanation#when literally the ONLY thing i was asking for was like. to maybe have a fun conversation once every few days#i just#i just want someone who wants to connect with me because they genuinely find me as a person fun to be around or interesting or SOMETHING#not someone who just talks to me to get me to stop crying so much because it's annoying when i whine
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I want to be strong.
I’m trying really hard to be strong…
but sometimes my tears just
fall uncontrollably.
#sad#im sad and tired#i’m sad#life#letyougrow#you will be fine#you will be okay#im sad about it#trying#trying my best#im tryin my best#trying my hardest#it's ok to cry#live and learn
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I'm nice and I'm smart and I'm kind and I love people I promise I am good I am good I am good
#my mom called me abusive today .#i am trying my hardest to be kind and stuff but she is the reason i have severe BPD and its hard to be nice to her sometimes#and i split so fast with her#im sorry#ive been crying in my room for 30 minutes#im sorry i hurt her im sorry i am so mean and selfish#im just a kid im just a kid im crying and holding onto my stuffed animal im just a kid im not trying to be bas
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#who i was march 24 2022 and who i am now are completely different people. i remember crying in caffe reggio to zay sun and adiba because#my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that#morning. and the whole trip was overshadowed by this sense of grief and fear and horror at what was unfolding back at home while i was#trying to pretend everything was okay and that i was fine. i never cry in public but i cried on the q train while visiting my coworker who#lives in manhattan and then i sobbed in a xi’an famous foods location in manhattan w my brothers because the cheapest and earliest train#home was that night and i had no idea what to do w myself#and when we got home finally we all knew what the diagnosis was but nobody wanted to say it not even the doctors. i dont think anyone used#the actual word cancer to us for months. they cloaked it in such technical terms so as to make it easier to swallow but it was still like.#an elephant in the room yk? nobody told us the stage either but it was a stage iv glioblastoma and i remember going on r/glioblastoma and#just crying reading all the posts abt how difficult this disease is. most projections were six months to a year and a half. a lot of people#even chose not to get treatment because of the high probability that it would make no difference to the prognosis. i have no idea whether we#made the right choice going w chemo or not honestly. only time will tell i guess. inshaAllah this will prove to have been the right choice#idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have#given up so much for my dad at this point and i still feel like it’s not enough but also i’ve been trapped by this sickness and i’ve given#up my life to it and idk how to rebuild myself from here. i need to move on w my life but what if these are the last moments w him and i#take those for granted by not staying home to take care of him and spend time w him. again idk what im trying to say here i just have no#idea how we got to this place. it still feels like some insane fever dream that i will suddenly awaken from#seeing pictures of my dad even from 2021 is the hardest thing. i have no idea what happened to that bright funny charismatic loving man. he#is literally a shell of himself at this point and i hate it. it actually turns my stomach sometimes because it all is so wrong#none of this was supposed to happen he was supposed to retire peacefully somewhere tropical in a couple years not get diagnosed w cancer#journal#illness tw
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in my despera (despair era)
#purrs#talked to her about everything and uhhh. i think she simply cannot compute that being a mom is about more than feeding your kid and bringing#them stuff when they need it (not that that isn’t important or real or anything ofc) or that she has hurt me in ways that run to the deepest#parts of myself. i think i did a good job keeping things civil and not being inflammatory like i usually am but everything i brought up she#refuted by pointing out something that i did wrong which i would then address / explain and apologize for and own up to and then when i woul#would point out stuff she did wrong she would just deflect w my own wrongdoings or change the topic or whatever. lol! and i told her she#night love me but i don’t think she likes me (hashtag ladybird) and she said that that was hurtful to hear but i explained why i felt that w#way and then she did nothing but continue to exhibit the same behaviors that make me feel disliked and quite frankly unloved by her so um.#lol and lawl and lel i suppose. the absolute hopelessness of it. she is never going to understand or change. there are the most basic things#in the world that i need from her which are also the hardest things in the world to ask your own mother ofr and i couldn’t even bring up the#favoritism thing bc everyone was around LOL but um. wow! she does not understand how she is hurting me and nothing i do or say will get#through to her. this will continue and worsen ♥️ i do not feel better i feel worse ♥️ every day brings a new reminder that she is emotionall#unavailable and unwilling to even try to be nurturing in ways that will impact me for the rest of my life ♥️#delete later#the energy it took not to start crying during that and now im too tired. what a fucked up day it’s been#like it’s as if i didn’t even say anything. she is like i pretend i do not see it <3#also she was like i had these same kinds of fights w my father but i realized what counted was that he was always there for me and i eas#like you’re not wrong but also… maybe that at least partially explains why you are an emotionally unavailable parent! lol!
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You know i was thinking kiryu getting introduced to the wii would immediately throw it as hard as he can at the tv screen but actually he would wear the strap because the instructions said to do so and then when hes doing bowling hes playing for a while until he suddenly crushes it in his hand because he got too focused and clenched his fist
#Yakuza loveblog#kiryu wears the strap its strap on time he says he puts on the strap he wears the strap hear me listen to me he wears the strap#i was olaying hylics too just now but i got too scared because of the maze portion#like ahh no no no no no. theres monsters too. and its two am naoayghhhh#i believe in my heart kiryu just smashes things in his hands. like anything from controllers to eggs to lighters. like he could be holding#a can of coffee and he starts to get lost in his thiughts and he looks down and his chest is covered in leaked coffee and the can is#slicing his hand like i think he should have dinner with tachibana and hes swilling his wine fancy style and tachibana says something that#pisses him off and he just cracks the stem of the glass between his fingers. like sometimes he might not even be angry he just squeezes his#fist and somethimg gets destroyed just like hiw my hands unclench randomly his hands will clench up randomly like holding harukas hand and#she goes Ouch !!! and hes like (snoaped out of his thiughts) whuh- oh im sorry haruka. and shes like that hurt ...#dont worry she will live. but also i love the idea of kiryu shattering a lighter in his hand because he was looking at the clouds trying to#determine if it will rain. thats why he needs expensive metal ones but he keeps losing them so he buys the chesp plastic ones. he has the#hardest life ever. ihey how good do you think kiryu is at making bread i bet he can knewd some crazy dough with his grip strength i think#he would be happier baking befause theres a lot of downtime involved he can just put it in the oven and reread the instructions while its#baking ... plus i think he would look sweet with flour on his hands and cheeks ... kissing him hee hee ....#same thing with his jaw he climbs up a ladder with a lightbulb in his mouth and then he just hites down and shatters the butt end#i think it would be nice to wstch him spit glass and his poor lips are all cut up .... what a handsome young man would love to see him#crying in frustrtion because this is the seventh time its happened this month and he wishes his body woildnt spasm randomly
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Experienced biiiig big plot twist things in tales of arise. I am fucking Reeling. That was so good but also so. So much. Oh my God...
#speculation nation#doesnt help that this came after probably the hardest boss of this game so far djfkshkfbd#i was fucking BLAZING through my items trying to keep up with how many people were dropping#and i made it. but having three team members down while the only one standing is pretty low on health#is VERY nerve wracking hdkshckd#i managed to turn the tides but hoooly shit lmfao. man.#and. GOD this plot twist is just. oh my godddd#im only level THIRTY WHAT DO YOU MEAN GAME CHANGING PLOT TWISTS ARE HAPPENING RN#I HAVENT EVEN REACHED THE LEVEL OF THE GIANT BUG IN THE FIRST MAP (level 40 ish)#hfkshfjdjjdfb i need to look up how long this game is bc this feels very endgame like but i am only level 30 😭😭😭😭😭#am i underleveled??!????! i was defeating the normal enemies with ease so i figured i was a comfortable level#but after that boss battle im not so sure... hfkshfkdb#and now i have to go without my primary healer for ??? amount of time#dear dohalim you have been promoted from secondary healer to primary healer. dont fuck this up.#yelling screaming crying i meant to go to bed an Hour ago but that really threw me for a loop#this game. this fucking game. hoooly fucking shit lmfao
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EVERYDAY I ASK MYSELF WHERE IS MY PERSON IM LITERALLY BEGGING FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE ME
#LIKE SERIOUSLY I TRY MY HARDEST TO STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE BUT I CANT I JUST CANT#IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE NO MORE PURPOSE IN LIFE#IM NOT FULFILLED#I JUST FEEL SO EMPTY MY SOUL IS CRYING OUT FOR AFFECTION
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