#i.e. learning animation by throwing myself at it

[hipstergecko]

GORGEOUS

It's been a while since I painted ghost king Danny. I went with the aurora borealis crown this time. Also more animation experimentation with 2d and 3d stuff.

I struggled with the background a bit. Below is an alternative version, I can't decide what looks better.

[buriedpentacles]

hi! since i've really leaned into witchcraft and spirituality, i became much more appreciative of the earth and i've been talking to her lots but i want to also become more sustainable in my daily life to help the environment even in small ways. do you have any ideas for simple things to do or habits to change to be more sustainable?

I do indeed!!

I think some the best things you can do for sustainable living is develop sustainable skills:

Learning to sew allows you to:

- fix holes in clothes

- adjust the height/seams/etc of clothes

- crop or add to items of clothing

Which means that clothes have a longer lifespan in general!

Learning to garden (even if its windowsill gardening!) helps you:

- spend less on certain herbs or plants (an easy way to start is regrowing spring onions in water)

- grow more native plants in your area

- encourage more insects into your garden

Learning to cook and bake can actually be super helpful because:

- you don't rely on takeaways or ready meals as often

- you can have more control over where your food is sourced and what you're eating

- you can meal plan and prep which saves time and money

- you can learn how to make your own jams, pickles, syrups etc! And you can get pretty creative with it!

Learning simple diy skills is super beneficial as you can:

- make things unqiue and suited to yourself (I.e. perfect sized shelves or a cabinet that fits perfectly in that gap between your bed and wall)

- restore thrifted furniture (staining to a preferred colour, cutting off legs to shorten it, fix the wobbly door etc)

- recycle old furniture, cabinets or similiar unused items into something else (I've turned a old cabinet into a small outdoor storage unit) rather than throwing them away

Learning basic maintenance for things you own is a money saver and:

- means you can fix your bike chain or replace your car's oil and filter without needing to call anyone or spend extra money

- can keep you safe and at a lower risk of motor accident (knowing how to do basic maintenance checks can help you see warning signs for damage)

- means that simpler things like clogged drains, non-flushing toilets, leaky taps etc no longer require calling and paying for a plumber

Of course you don't need to be an expert in any of these, I'm certainly not! But I can cook myself a decent meal, sew some new buttons on an old shirt or fix a hole in my jeans and restore an old wardrobe into something usable.

I love Pete Seeger's quote:

"If it can’t be reduced, reused, repaired, rebuilt, refurbished, refinished, resold, recycled or composted, then it should be restricted, redesigned or removed from production."

Basically it's so important to be aware of your consumption - avoid overconsumption, buy quality over quantity, thrift and reuse things, trade with people. Throwing things away should be a last resort or a necessity, rather than a "I don't know what else to do with it".

And, while recycling isn't quite the saviour people think it is, it is so important to get into the habit of sorting your rubbish correctly!!

Other important sustainable habits include:

Changing your eating habits. If it's feasible for you, try:

- reduce meat and dairy consumption (including fish, as they're massively overharvested)

- prioritise locally and ethically sourced animal produce (local butchers can be a great place to start for this)

- eat more seasonally (its not really feasible to only eat seasonal foods, but try to learn about them and incorporate them more)

- reduce food waste with composting, food donations, meal planning/prepping and learn to love leftovers

- invest in a tap filter and reusable water bottle (drinking tap water is not always safe depending on where you live so research first!!!)

- use public transport (or walk) where possible!

- connect with other people near you who also care about sustainable living: trade services and items and knowledge!

- learn about your local area and ecology!! I sound like a broken record saying this, but the BEST way to start living with nature, is to understand it. You can't help your local wildlife if you don't know it, you can't take steps to protect your environment if you don't know the threats.

All of these are just a few tips and ideas, they may not be feasible for everyone for numerous reasons but it's important to remember that it's not about being perfect, it's about *trying* and doing what you can.

There's so much more I could get into here, from foraging to activism to how and what to thrift vs when to splurge on new items but I think this post is long enough! Let me know if there's anything you want expanding or going into more depth on!!!

[womansohe4rtless]

my friend tried to kill herself and we crack jokes in the hospital room about the causes and effects and i love her but goddamn was it hard to stay awake i thought i was going to throw up after that spicy marg but i didnt and she kept drinking and now its all gone ive fallen off the horse but im still running beside it and i hope that i can get a second to breathe soon i couldnt recognize myself in the mirror on monday and i got up anyways and went to class i think i might have some kind of weird relationship with food but ive been eating scones with soft butter even though its so expensive and ive been healing i think my sister is still so incredibly stupid but at least i dont have to hear about it all the time and get unreasonably upset about the fact that we dont talk anymore and nothing ever changes but nothing stays the same my friend from back home is ghosting me even though we live a mere 10 minute bus ride away and it hurts i think even though i dont really think about her much my roommate is going back to toronto and might drop out but ive done it too and i think that everything will all work out itll all work out itll all work out itll all work out my parents are coming in two days and i wont tell them i want to sleep and im so aimless but i will say that i love the city and i love living here and im grateful every day for my life even if i wake up at 1pm after getting home at 6 and i miss my classes and its not even that i learn anything i just love a ritual and i was going to go get a job today but i think it has to wait another little bit and i have work to do but i think maybe its ok to eat some tinned fish and let my hair dry i never used to shower in the morning but now i dont always shower at night i want to be like the elif batuman character and go for runs and pretend everything is fine and study linguistics but then discover nothing can explain our little chatty quirks and give it up and study something so much better i.e. philosophy but i skipped the linguistics part and went straightt into this degree that i think i love but also i didnt really have a choice i need to pay for school next semester but i cant figure out how to believe that i can get money somehow i dont think ill ever be famous but maybe people can know me a little bit i have to be on the radio hosting a show soon but i cant force myself to want to actually forcing myself to do anything nowadays is so fucking hard but ive never had a mental illness and i think im too dutch to linger on myself too much i have this thing that i say all the time to my friends and i repeat it to myself it the mirror "you think too much about yourself" and i havent cried in six to eight months properly but i think i might pick it up as a hobby maybe i just need a hobby ive been reading a french translation of a milan kundaris book (rip king) and the woman roughly says "why do men never give what i give in return" and she says this to her partner and he wonders why she thinks this because its really fuckin stupid to him and he says "you know what i think about? war." and i thought that was really funny and i laughed out loud on the metro and the days are getting colder and the burning of limbs doesnt happen quite as bad and the burn is just skin or whatever and i type with these long red nails i stole from the drug store and im relearning how to speak and talk and interact with people even though i think im a linguistic terestrial bipedal animal and i saw a cool show on monday and only got five hours of sleep and i play euchre and sometimes i win and i just cant believe that she tried to kill herself but at least she came and woke me up if she died without letting me know i wouldve been really upset and i really dont tend towards emotion if you couldve heard the 911 call i made you would think that im a robot and my friend said i sounded like one in the hospital room last night i think that i need a little handycam and to get better and out of this rut im always in a rut it seems

also i just remebered that wherever you go you bring yourself with you and this is significant because i never feel at home anywhere i am i always feel alien im always an alien i need to become a professor at small liberal arts universities in rural canada and move every two years because i dont know how someone could stay where they are for longer than that i love this life that i have but i need to restart pretty regularly but im stuck here for at least two years then i move and go to winnipeg or saskatoon or calgary or up north maybe i go to yukon or iqualuit and i do a masters then i go to europe for a doctorate and come back parading around because i finally made my grandma happy and i send postcards and i tell my friends ill see them later because later is indefinite and saying see you in five years sounds gross and sad but later is always sometime sooner it feels and i want to be a ghost i need to be a ghost i want to wander into peoples lives and leave them but sometimes drop back in just to say hello over coffee and hour before i need to be at the airport my isolation feels key to my mission on earth and although i dont talk to God all the time i think i feel him residing in my soul and i know that my soul infuses everything i touch and if i ever get married it needs to be a tall protestant dutch man whos nice to me and likes to be around me and i dont know if ill ever find a man like that but desires not a crime my life is spinning out i need to smoke a dart but i dont want to spend money on cigs i have a matchbook i stole from a bar and i think we should bring back lighting belmonts with matches its so rare we get to hold fire in our hands the smoke pit is a gift if your a bullshitter like me i heard that run clubs are the new dating apps but i think that running with people usually sucks and having anyone i could potentially be interested in see me like that would give them the ick and i think its good to be alone, at least until summer when i can go sit on a patio and drink a light beer my friend showed me coffee tonics and i think i could die happy if i had one in my hand all the time and i have a pink moka pot and life always works out for me because every day on this earth is another day that i get to drink my coffee and eat tuna and see little dogs and sit in the library and sunbathe in the park and listen to amy winehouse and exist in a moment

[aetherograph]

Hey, hope it's ok I reblog because this is way too long for a reply.

Those things may not be ruined forever. They are ruined right now, and that sucks real bad. But it's important to remind yourself, however untrue it feels right now in this moment, that like everything, 'it is ruined' is a 'right now' not a 'forever'.

Put those things that remind you of your ex away for a while. Move forward and find new things your ex hasn't 'tainted' or 'touched', enjoy those things. Distance yourself but do not throw things away because you may find, after some time, that you really want them again. So keep that cameo, but just don't look at it for now; get a new one if you can (I'm not sure what a cameo is; I am very old you understand). Keep that shirt, but put it in a box. Keep those letters, but don't read them.

Believe me, I speak from experience many many times over. Do not destroy or throw things out that you cannot replace. But that doesn't mean you have to look at them or listen to them or watch them. Just put them away in a big tote box for a while.

So that's "eliminate the triggers" as a coping strategy. That keeps the triggers away from you and controls when you see those particular ones again, until you have handled the rest of what's going on. It's helpful to view this as triage, i.e. emergency response. You're stopping the bleeding.

Let's talk about some other coping strategies that work long-term:

Talk about how you feel. Write about it. Talk to friends that don't mind hearing about your ex a lot. It's important to allow yourself to talk about how it sucks and how you feel about it and how your ex fucked with you, harmed you, and to learn to mock your ex to yourself and to your friends. That's important. It's really hard to laugh at someone that abused us or harmed us, because they're so scary and awful; but once you learn how, they become less scary. Laughter is a very good medicine.

What talking about it with supportive friends does is something called Critical Incident Stress Debriefing. This is something that basically helps by having everyone acknowledge 'yeah that was fucked up'. And have community support, because we know that having a supportive community that acknowledges your pain is important to keep PTSD at a minimum. Humans are social animals and we seek out social support and we want to have our pain witnessed and acknowledged.

Trying to find a way to laugh--by mocking an abuser, by finding and describing absurdity of their ways--is helpful because fear's worst enemy is laughter, and you cannot be afraid of a nightmare if you turn it silly.

It's going to hurt and that's normal. And it sucks. And it's also normal. You should do art about it. Write poetry. Write revenge stories where you get to kill your ex, or serve your ex just desserts, or whatever helps. I have written so many stories about hiring my favourite Immediate Murder Professionals to murder my ex. I've written stories about the Leverage team screwing him over. I have pleased myself imagining how scared he was when the sheriff came to serve him the divorce papers. Your fantasies are your own. Hell you can monologue if you want, I'm a big fan of monologuing alone in my room.

Fantasy is a good, helpful coping skill especially if you can express it in art, because then its out of your head and isn't circling in there jamming things up. Art is very helpful because again, you are getting it out of your mind and you are also creating something, and creating something because you are having an emotion demonstrates to your brain that "creating > destroying". It's really, really important that you teach your brain this. Destroying out of emotions, even if the things you destroy are 'okay' to destroy, still teaches your brain it's okay to lash out violently and that gets dangerous for you and other people very quickly. Redirect that urge and create angry art, create violently grieving art, create any kind of art but create something.

One of the best things to help with emotional distress, and learning to tolerate distress, is distraction. When I was in an asylum (my ex messed me up REAL bad) I picked up beading. I'm about to get a spirograph (high recommend if you like meditative motion like rocking). You could get into paper piece quilting too, or knitting, or woodworking, or miniatures, or weaving, or any kind of crafting really. You can also distract yourself by finding new things to watch or listen to. Get involved in a new tv show with a million seasons. Watch one of those really long Dimension 20 type of things where you watch people play D&D. I recommend stories over things that present themselves as non-fiction, personally, because stories engage your emotions in a healthier way and you want to distract your emotions not just your thoughts.

You might also find that you want emotional catharsis, rather than distraction, sometimes--stories that help you feel the emotions about your ex, but in a way that is a little at a remove and has some resolution and closure. This is why tragedy exists. This is why revenge fantasy is a whole genre. Sometimes you wanna see people fail and be really sad and lose everything because that makes you feel less alone. Sometimes you wanna see some jerk get his just desserts and get punished for shitty abuse because it feels good to see a story make that happen for you when you've been screwed over by a jerk and you know he'll get away with it.

What distraction does is it keeps you from ruminating, and it lets the emotion pass the way it's supposed to.

Because emotions are supposed to pass through you! You only have an emotion for a little while, and then you have a new one. That's how it's supposed to work. But of course when awful stuff happens, or even when 'awful' turns into 'trauma', emotions linger and your brain tends to focus on them because you want to make them go away.

It's going to take a long time, and be a lot of work to heal, but you'll come out of the other side eventually. I'm not going to make some dumb noises about 'wElL yOu'Ll bE a sTrOnGeR pErSoN' because that's a shitty thing to be told, I hate when people tell me that like I'm supposed to be grateful for all the harm someone did me. No!! That is not true! What is true is that it was shitty and that should not have happened but you are worth healing and you are worth caring for and your broken heart is very much broken and hurt and that is painful and it sucks and you are not alone. You are not alone, we have all felt broken hearts and all we can do is reach out to each other and say:

'I have been there, I have survived.

'I believe in you and here is what helped me survive this terrible time.

'And I believe in you and I am proud of you and I love you, fellow human being.

'And I am here, I am here, I am here.

'I am here and you are not alone.'

slowly working through the list of things i'm mad about: i got a cameo from tim downie for my ex that i can NEVER watch again. the bastard took a chunk of my wallet AND a 4 minute video from tim downie away from me

[fishmongeringstudies]

FIFTY.

and that's how we spent our precocious youth!

lately i've been watching anime for the first time in three years because it turns out being physically trapped in a room you can only exit at risk of prosecution will leave even the most unhinged of minds desperate for some kind of Entertainment. one series whose manga i followed for seven years and whose anime adaptation came out just recently, recently in my mind meaning anything that was made after the year 2000, is about a group of teenagers in their last year of high school and all the average teenage shit they get up to. which is a pretty ordinary premise, and a common one at that, but there's something about the way they've pulled it off this time that makes me, someone who spent most of their teenage years throwing a proverbial ball against the proverbial wall and wishing i were a blade of grass (i.e. short-lived and non-sentient), want to be a high schooler again. like, are you sure about that, me? what happy memories did secondary school and junior college leave you with? once in the summer, while i was still on campus, i tried to tell a friend about 'My Sparkling Teenage Years'. 'our school is pretty rich,' i said. 'we have a lot of resources. people made use of those resources.' i tried to continue. 'people did a lot of things.' i paused. 'not me though.' i paused for longer, tried to come up with an interesting anecdote or a character who had wound their way into one of my stories, couldn't. silence stretched between us like a duvet.

in one of the entries on this blog i believe i say something along the lines of 'i came to america with nothing'. i was definitely angry when i wrote it, but i can't tell you why i was angry or if there was even a reason in the first place. unfortunately many of my more iconic statements can be traced back to a generic feeling of 'was angry' with no plausible explanation or follow-up, which is how i end up having to retract them periodically and replace them with new statements which are just as angry but hopefully a little more grounded. life is a never-ending cycle of re-examination. i return to the scene of the same crime, bodies strewn across the floor, shards of glass in someone's espresso, and i poke at the evidence. 'this time,' i declare. 'this time will be different.'

and it is. i realized while boiling water in the kettle in my room the other day that it was deeply cruel and unfair to all of the people i have met up until now to say that i came to america with nothing, because the logical implication is that no one gave me anything. this is factually incorrect. no matter how hard one tries to disengage from their surroundings, salt accumulates in the mouth of the oyster. the salt might have been useless to you for most of your twenty-year-old life, as you crammed yourself into the corner of the room and cried big christmas-bulb tears. but it was still there. and one day you found that you needed it for something, and found it sitting in your drawer where you left it all those years ago.

so what did i get out of my teenage years? i can't tell you. the last few years of my life come to me in fragments- here, the five month chainsmokers obsession, there, the four week destructive cycle of yearning. for someone who is so fond of telling stories i struggle to make a coherent one out of the defining moments of my teenagehood. after all, there's nothing funny about november 2018. i mean it's funny to me, but that's only because it was my body on the floor. to anyone else, it would have looked like nothing more than a corpse. what did you spend your high school years doing? i wrote a lot. most of it was depressing. i tried to blow myself up. i'm kidding. i learned how to cut cauliflower. you want to make the incision at the stem, you see, not the flowery bit at the other end. if you start at the flowery end, the whole thing will fall apart. living things are fragile, even after they're long dead. that's how you know they were alive to begin with.

the last time i remember being at ease with myself it's the spring of 2016 and i'm sneaking flowers into a girl's desk. ironically that's probably the one time i did something for someone that didn't backfire on me and leave the house in tatters, even though she never saw me as anything more than a particularly nice friend whereas you could say that there are people who have seen me as plenty of other things. a body. a bone. a whiteboard.

i can tell you a story about being young and alive in these tumultuous times easy, but you have to understand that it's going to be both funny and profoundly upsetting- that's the defining trait of my youth. nothing wrong with that, you know. not everyone gets the long end of the stick. not everyone gets a stick. so go into the woods and pick one up yourself. that's also a way of fighting. that's also a kind of living.

07.12.21

[rangikuxmatsumoto]

[Misconception: Rangiku is a bimbo/airhead and unintelligent.]

send me a misconception you think people have about my character and I’ll explain if it’s true or not. | Accepting

Time for TEDTalk #2 today! Rangiku isn’t some prodigy or genius, but she is far from unintelligent. The construct that she’s a bimbo or an airhead steams directly from the idea that she’s lazy. If you’re anything but a diligent, by-the-book, hard worker, you must be a bimbo/airhead/unintelligent – right? Wrong.

There’s enough to be said that Rangiku is a Fukutaichou in the Gotei 13 to prove her level of intelligence and her skills but sadly, we don’t get to see much of her abilities in action throughout the course of the manga/anime. Her appearance and fights are more often than not side-stories to a more important fight. We get fleeting glances or quick fight scenes that really don’t divulge into her keen intelligence but I’m going to break this down.

Upon first glance, Rangiku doesn’t fit that standard mold of what you’d expect for a warrior – right? She’s fan service – no harm, no foul – but at her core she is still a solider, she earned her place, she’s proven herself.

Like I said, she isn’t come genius or prodigy like Gin or Toshiro, but she clearly can hold her own, she knows her advantages and disadvantages and she benefits from knowing those.

Rangiku had proven to be a rather skilled tactician in battles. She’s used her appearance or perceived appearance (i.e. busty, blonde female probably isn’t a threat) to her advantage. When she was fighting Grimmjow’s fracción – Nakeem (don’t worry I don’t remember him either), she acts as if she’s fallen unconscious/has been defeated so that she’s able to get their limits released. Out of Toshiro, Renji and her, she played her card to their advantage. She uses this same tactic when she’s fighting Harribel’s three. She knows she’s at a disadvantage going three against one, so she tries a divide and concur method. Have them fight amongst one another so she can pick them off one at a time, or they can’t collectively attack her.

Though, I think her greatest display of this comes out of her two fights with Kira/Reigai Kira which for the second one was skillfully broken down in this post here. But I’m going to go talk about these fights a bit myself. First, the original fight between Kira and Rangiku is short, but Rangiku is at twice the disadvantage against him. She doesn’t know his shikai (which makes me think that actually a lot of the fukutaichous don’t know the other’s strengths and weaknesses of their zanpakutos) and in the beginning she falls victim to Wabisuke’s ability. But that alone shows that Rangiku was keeping her cards close to her chest, had Izuru known of Haineko’s release, he probably wouldn’t have fought her with his shikai and Rangiku could have avoided it all if she had released Haineko right off the bat like everyone does. But she didn’t, she let him set himself up for defeat and in doing so, Rangiku learned more about Izuru/Wabisuke.

Now, the Reigai fight is just round two of this fight but at greater length. The setting is of course playing to R.Izuru’s advantage which puts Rangiku on the defense. But like they say, the best offense is a great defense. Making it appear as if she’s down and out, no Haineko in hand, R.Izuru goes for the finishing blow only to be forted by his zanpkauto’s special ability and design.

Now, military tactician aside, Rangiku also has some keen emotional intelligence which is often overlooked because everyone just throws her self-centeredness into play. The way she reads people can be seen when she sees Momo after Aizen’s “death”, how she comforts and welcomes Izuru after Gin’s betrayal, how her and Renji respond to Rukia and Ichigo’s interaction at the start of the Arrancar Arc, her way of comforting and supporting Orihime. I could go on and on. Rangiku is self-centered at times but aren’t we all?

Once again, this falls back into the surface-level storyline syndrome that I am going to trademark, I s2g. Rangiku is described as lazy, free-spirited, care-free and the like – hell, that even speaks a bit to her intelligence because she can manipulate the hell out of people to get exactly what she wants (i.e Shuuhei and even Toshiro, let’s be honest). But the last thing my baby is a bimbo or airhead. She’s a strong independent woman, who is fiercely loyal to her friends and her captain and will tell you if your outfit choice is hideous.

[dropintomanga]

11 Years of Manga Therapy

Today, this blog is 11 years old. And it all feels like the past year went by so suddenly despite a pandemic that’s shut off almost everything.

Given that everything was at such a standstill, a good number of my thoughts from the blog when it turned 10 still stand. I will talk about a few new things that came to my mind recently and over the past year.

COVID-19 sucks. I have a lot of compassion for those who are just trying to survive. I’m sick of this need to be productive for the sake of being productive during a time where life isn’t normal at all. A lot of people have no outside help for basic needs. I find myself to be very fortunate and I owe that to the support systems in my life. I wish they had what I have.

I don’t know how I found the need to blog for this long even when it’s okay to just stop. But after the little rant I wrote a couple of days ago, I find that social media is too transient for what I really want to say. It’s platforms like Tumblr/WordPress that provide outlets for more concise thoughts. I still love manga and there’s always fascinating titles/stories (like My Broken Mariko pictured above) that can mostly be told via manga waiting to be explored.

What else? I got a PlayStation 4 last year and finally saw for myself the renewed popularity of Japanese video games post-2016. The PS3 era disappointed me and got me away from gaming. I’m excited to see where Japanese games go from here after playing through various games since my console purchase.

Plus playing a bunch of Yakuza (I played through Yakuza 0, Judgment, and Yakuza: Like a Dragon) games got me into riichi mahjong. It all started from doing a mandatory mahjong side-quest in Judgment to unlock the chance to fight the game’s superboss that got me into it. I couldn’t get mahjong at first, but I had help from my parents who played mahjong their whole lives despite regional rule differences. I struggled at mahjong for a while until I decided to try it again in Yakuza: Like a Dragon after I finished the main story. I’ve been hooked ever since after taking the time to understand the rules and how to properly win. I now read riichi mahjong books and want to start playing more Mahjong Soul (a gacha-style mahjong game with cute anime characters). Once the pandemic is finally over, I think I’ll try going to a local riichi mahjong club near me and see what it’s like offline.

What I like about mahjong is that the game is a metaphor for life. My dad sent me a video of Julia Roberts talking about her love of mahjong. She said that mahjong is like sorting your life out of chaos. I find that to be strikingly true. A big part of learning mahjong is WWYD (What would you discard?) as you need to draw tiles to make a winning combination and throw away ones that won’t help you win. Yet while certain tiles will help you win, there are times where you need to throw out tiles that are considered to be safe in order to not lose big. In various points in life, there’s things you need to toss away in order to become better and/or safer. To be honest, we’re not always perfect at what to throw away. I feel the complexities of mahjong is good practice for me in understanding that not everything’s going to go our way even if we’ve done a lot of good for the world.

Finally, I’m starting to embrace myself as a non-binary thinker. I support important cultural movements and find them necessary. Yet I know there are always voices still being shut out despite good intentions and alternatives. It’s disrespectful to believe that everyone all happily agrees with one another when that’s not really the case. I don’t think we truly listen enough to each other and try to shout so much about how important this and that are without considering that some things are helpful for some people while some aren’t.

Empathy isn’t enough. You can understand someone’s suffering, but it doesn’t mean that you’re willing to sit with them through it. I think the person who’s suffering wants compassion more than just empathy. I want people to see there’s power in knowing uncomfortable truths in everything.

Of course, I’m not sure there’s room for someone like me up in a world of absolutes. It’s fine. I relish where I’m at and I now know that I’m not alone in my thinking. I’m also thinking about changing the name of this blog because truth be told, I’m not sure the name “Manga Therapy” is right anymore because I’m not a licensed mental health professional. I’m more on an peer/advocate level. I know some of you may disagree, but calling myself “therapy” feels like an insult to the mental health profession and does disservice to anyone with serious mental illness that doesn’t have the luxury to enjoy the privileges (i.e. reading manga as a way to process emotions) that most of us have.

That’s about it. Thanks for reading and following me this past year (or longer)! I just want you all to survive somehow this year. Nothing more.

[storytelling-101]

Character Development – Part C

Seeing how I myself struggled over the years to find some reference in terms of character sheets, I decided to share my personal one with all of you. This character sheet is of course not the ultimate guide you'd never find anywhere else and I suppose that some people may want to add or remove some parts. However, in general, I think of this as pretty much complete. I will also give a short commentary on various points. Because what I struggled with most in the beginning was being clueless about what to write for each point.

We will start with General Information and I will post the others one by one after this.

General Information

Name The given name of your character.

Surname Your character's last name.

Nickname And abbreviation or another name somebody gave them (aside from their proper name).

Birth Name Did your character get married or was adopted and received a different last name? Did they apply for a name change at some point in their life? If so, what was their intial last name and/or given name? This info goes here!

Nationality The country/kingdom/empire/etc. your character comes from. This is not necessarily where they live now!

Gender In here fits any info about gender, be it male/female or agender/non-binary/etc. This will also be the spot where you can fill in the genders for (maybe) non-human characters or fictional genders like in the popular alpha/beta/omega universe.

Age This is, of course, where you put in how old your character is. If they pretend to be older/younger you can put the real age i.e. in brackets.

Birth Date The day, month and year your character was born. This can also be some made up dates like 63th of Quanko in the year 2410.

Birth Place Not the exact spot but the village/town/city that they were born in.

Astrological Sign This can either be western signs like libra/cancer/etc., eastern signs like rabbit/tiger/etc. or astrological signs you thought of yourself.

Childhood Home Where did they live as a child/until they left home? How long did they live there? What did it look like?

Current Residence Opposing the childhood home is the current residence: The place your character lives when your story starts. This can be a street (if they didn't leave the town/city), a different city or even a different country. Give this as many details as you need!

Home Description What does the character's home look like? Is it a one-room apartment? Or maybe a house? How is it furnished (modern/vintage/rococo-style/...)?

Neighbors Does your character have neighbors? What are their names, ages and occupations?

Occupation This is where you describe your character's job; in detail if you need. What do they do? Do they like their job? Is it satisfying? Will they keep their job until they retire?

Finances Don't confuse this with income. This point illustrates all kinds of source of income from different places (salary/child support/earnings from rental properties/...). How much can they spend in a month/year according to those earnings?

Income This point concentrates purely on the size of salary from the character's main job. So, how much do they earn in a month/year?

Skills This differs greatly from the point abilities. Skills are things a character acquire after repeated learning. So, if they train martial arts/archery/calligraphy/..., the character will probably master that skill after some time.

Abilities In contrast to skills, abilities don't necessarily need to be learned. They are more likely dormant or active capacities that the character was born with. This can be things like dexterity/courage/quickness/cleverness/etc.

Sexuality As with gender, this can, of course, be heterosexual/homosexual and everything in between or something completely different.

Distinctive tics or mannerisms This will come up with the physical information again, but the ones for this point are things that can be recognized pretty quickly. Possible mannerisms could be a character who never let's anyone touch their bag. Or maybe someone who always tucks a pen behind their ear.

Current Hobbies A pretty simple point: What do they do in their free time? What do they enjoy even though they might not be able to do it very often?

Dominant Hand Although this seems a bit random, this point is especially interesting for mystery writers. This also isn't limited to the hand they write with but also other things like opening a bottle/throwing a ball/holding a knife or fork/etc.

Handwriting Rather self-explanatory. What does their handwriting look like? Is it sloppy/neat/careful/curvy/block letters/etc.? Can they write at all?

Catchphrase Not exactly necessary for every story, but what is the phrase your character would say most often throughout your story? This is often used in anime (i.e. Prince of Tennis or Sailor Moon).

Favorite Foods & Drinks Your character's favorites are more or less endlessly expandable. Favorite foods and drinks are usually what's of most interest for your story, but you can expand it with favorite colors/weather/day of the month/clothing/season/etc.

Favorite Saying This shouldn't be confused with the catchphrase. The favorite saying is more likely a quote of someone famous or someone close to them according to which they live.

Appointments Appointments covers everything that your character attends on a regular basis. This can be long-term treatment, voluntary work, lessons, etc.

I hope this will be of help to some of you. We'll see each other again when we cover the physical information!

[misswannabeperfect]

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? None

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? Silent

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows?

9. favorite smell in the summer? The sprinklers as they're done watering the grass.

10. game you were best at in p.e.? None, I suck.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Nothing or oatmeal.

12. name of your favorite playlist? You deserve a spring.

13. lanyard or key ring?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? Can't think of anything that doesn't contain chocolate...

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? Froth on the Daydream (L'Ecume des jours) by Boris Vian. A wonder, a true gem.

16. most comfortable position to sit in? Hunched, so that nothing can hurt you. Or with a cat on your laps.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? Converses or my Derbies.

18. ideal weather? Any weather except heatwave.

19. sleeping position? On my back, my cat sleeping on my belly to keep me warm.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? On my laptop.

21. obsession from childhood? Reading I guess ?

22. role model? Celebrities.

23. strange habits? I insult myself when cringy memories come up.

24. favorite crystal? None.

25. first song you remember hearing? Old french songs for children.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Lay on the floor and wish to die.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Put on a big jacket and read or watch movies.

28. five songs to describe you? Again again, Invisible killer, Hated person song, and I don't know about the two others.

29. best way to bond with you? Don't overshare.

30. places that you find sacred? The park next to my home, my bedroom, my great aunt's house and the fields not too far from my town.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Oversized hoodie and ripped joggings.

32. top five favorite vines? "What have you got ? A knife ! NO !", "freshavocadoo", "SAIL" "I heard you talking shit about me" and the british guy complaining about traffic.

33. most used phrase in your phone? Don't know.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? Si juvabien c'est juvamine.

35. average time you fall asleep? 3 am.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? The ugly troll faces.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

38. lemonade or tea?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? None, I hate lemon.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Everyone was talking about how other kids from another school were going to come at ours with knife, so the police showed up.

41. last person you texted? My aunt.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? jacket pockets, easier to protect.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Hoodie.

44. favorite scent for soap? Rose or lavender.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Pajamas

47. favorite type of cheese? Comté.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Banana.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? No idea.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? I'm not sure I remember.

51. current stresses?

52. favorite font?

53. what is the current state of your hands? Dry.

54. what did you learn from your first job? To ignore assholes even if they're throwing grapes at you.

55. favorite fairy tale? The little mermaid or bluebeard.

56. favorite tradition? None.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? I've never overcame them.

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Singing I guess ?

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? No idea.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? HORROR.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? No idea.

62. seven characters you relate to? Elaine from the Love Witch, Mitsuko from Tempura, Noriko from Nichinichi kore kōjitsu, Nina from Black Swan, Lily from Assassination Nation, Veronica from Heathers and maybe Needy from Jennifer's body. Most of them are lost girls and women who don't feel like they fit amongst their peers, especially Noriko and Needy, they also have no idea what to do with their lives. Nina and Elaine are perfectionists driven by the need to succeed. Like Veronica, I've been enroled by the popular girls, but I wish I were strong enough to fight back when things went too far.

63. five songs that would play in your club? Lone diggers, mister blue skye, clap your hands, plus songs from Dead can dance.

64. favorite website from your childhood? A site of flash games.

65. any permanent scars? Yeah, most from sh on my left arm and thighs, plus one on my knee and under my eye.

66. favorite flower(s)? Bleeding hearts, my mother grow them in her garden, they're so delicate.

67. good luck charms? My father lights a candle for me.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? Porto.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? No idea.

70. left or right handed?

71. least favorite pattern? Zebra.

72. worst subject? Maths, but I wish I could get interested.

73. favorite weird flavor combo? Peanut butter and chocolate ? It's not original nor weird I'm sure.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 1, because I know it's going to go to 10 if I don't do anything.

75. when did you lose your first tooth? 6 years old, during a field trip.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? chips or fries.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? No idea.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? I don't have my driver's license, so school id.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console? Both, I play those two and can't choose.

83. writing or drawing? Both <3 They're very complimentary.

84. podcasts or talk radio? None.

84. barbie or polly pocket? I had both, but I think Barbies are better.

85. fairy tales or mythology? BOTH.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear? To end up badly.

88. your greatest wish? To heal.

89. who would you put before everyone else? My family I suppose.

90. luckiest mistake? I don't remember.

91. boxes or bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? It's the prettiest.

93. nicknames? None.

94. favorite season? Autumn or Winter.

95. favorite app on your phone? Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery and my pedometer.

96. desktop background? Dark Academia collage.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? Only mine.

98. favorite historical era? Not sure.

weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows?

9. favorite smell in the summer?

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

12. name of your favorite playlist?

13. lanyard or key ring?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

18. ideal weather?

19. sleeping position?

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

21. obsession from childhood?

22. role model?

23. strange habits?

24. favorite crystal?

25. first song you remember hearing?

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

28. five songs to describe you?

29. best way to bond with you?

30. places that you find sacred?

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

32. top five favorite vines?

33. most used phrase in your phone?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

35. average time you fall asleep?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

38. lemonade or tea?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

41. last person you texted?

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

44. favorite scent for soap?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

47. favorite type of cheese?

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

51. current stresses?

52. favorite font?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

55. favorite fairy tale?

56. favorite tradition?

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

62. seven characters you relate to?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

64. favorite website from your childhood?

65. any permanent scars?

66. favorite flower(s)?

67. good luck charms?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

70. left or right handed?

71. least favorite pattern?

72. worst subject?

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

84. podcasts or talk radio?

84. barbie or polly pocket?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

88. your greatest wish?

89. who would you put before everyone else?

90. luckiest mistake?

91. boxes or bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

93. nicknames?

94. favorite season?

95. favorite app on your phone?

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

[sharysisnhmoonshadow]

Questions Game!

Answer 10 questions and create 10 of your own for other peeps to answer! (I’m letting this round die with me)

Tagged (again 😁!) by @ausp-ice

1. If you were a mythical creature, what would you be? A centaur! I’m already a Sagittarius. I love archery, and I would love to be able to be able to run that fast! Not sure what the Caeli Mosnter would think . . .

2. How many hours of sleep per night do you normally get? Averaged 4-5 hours prior to quarantine (excuse me, shelter in place). But these days I’ve been getting a solid eight hours. It’s been SO NICE!

3. If you could upload your consciousness to a computer, would you? For fear of ending up like Clay Kaczmarek from Assassin’s Creed, probably not. However, if the computer was an android body I could possibly be swayed!

4. If you have OCs, who’s your favorite? If not, who’s your favorite character from any media? Jodi Hunter, my 15 year old runaway delinquent from my Transformers fic Disregarded (the series as a whole turns into a TF/SPN crossover). Not only was this the first fic under my current penname, but it was the fic I learned to stop being afraid of what I enjoy fandom wise. Jodi was my very first fully fleshed character. Based physically off of one old coworker and named after another, Jodi is my tiny temperamental asexual basket case and I love her! She has scars and PTSD and will fight you to protect her little found family. One of the biggest compliments I ever got was when several readers FORGOT she was an OC. I still desperately want to finish her series but I haven’t been in the correct mindset.

5. If you could pick one (or a few) song(s) that could capture these essence of you, what would it be? This one is hard! I use a lot of music as Inspiration so rarely think about it in relation to myself. Hmmm. I’m gonna go with Affirmation by Savage Garden. About 85% of the lyrics are pretty accurate. And I Ship It by Not Literally. Watch the video on YouTube. Pure GOLD! I remember watching it for the first time and thinking “I have found the song of my people!!”

6. What’s your favorite flavor of love? Familial, platonic, romantic, sensual, sexual, nonconforming, anything else I could be missing. Feel free to offer different choices for different contexts! i.e. for yourself vs. what you like to read. And if you want to go ham with details, go ahead, I’d love to see it :> OMG I just love love? Sure, I love me a well written steamy sex scene, but what really makes it good for me is the intimacy or dynamics driving it. Give me the feels, or the sassy banter, or the soft moments. Romantic sensual love makes me swoon, but familial love also gives me life! Supportive BroTPs and found family are my Jam. I’m very lucky to have a loving and supportive partner in my life and a small collection of extended family that is diverse and supportive each in their own way. I didn’t always have that and so love it when characters in stories help each other to bloom into better versions of themselves. I am also weak for any relationship (platonic or romantic) that is willing to throw down and wreck shop to protect/rescue/avenge a loved one!

7. If you have original worlds, which one would you like to be part of most? If not, pick any setting from any media. Harry Potter. For the magical creatures alone! Hippogryphs? Unicorns? Dragons? Thunderbirds? The gigantic breed of flying horse the pulled the fricken carriage for Beaubatons? Yes please! Also- Hufflepuff and PROUD!

8. What’s one thing you hope to achieve in life? I would love to publish one of my original stories. I have several rattling around, and a few that I’m about ready to start cleaning up the story outlines so I can officially Get Started. Not gonna lie, one day I would love to read fanfic about my own work. ❤️ I would consider it the ultimate version of coming full circle.

9. What do you like most about yourself? I find that if you put me in a crowd situation like the renaissance fair or comic/anime/fan conventions I love just talking to people. (Though I have to monitor my people levels because sometimes I can overwhelm myself a little by sheer enthusiasm). I love talking to vendors and artists just to discuss their work. Lots of fond memories of people I will probably never see again.

10. Can you show me something you think is pretty? This could be a photo, an artwork (yours or other), a song, something written. Anything. I present to you two of my favorite critter photos I’ve taken, plus two of my favorite couple Couple Cosplay photos. I made a decent Dean, but Josh was a phenomenal Castiel!

[far-off-flower-fields]

Weird Questions that say a lot

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Teacups!

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? Lollipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? We call elementary school primary school. It depended which teachers you asked, my favourites always said I was “conscientious, kind, and a pleasure to have in class”.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Glass cups or bottles.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? I have like 4 looks, pastel, boho, and goth/witchy/grunge, also vintage-inspired which wasn’t mentioned but I love it.

7. earbuds or headphones? Depends on the shape, I love my Razr headset because it doesn’t squash my ears, and I like galaxy bud shaped earbuds, the ones with the little rubber doo-dads that fit actually in your ear. Apple or a lot of older flat earbuds cause me a lot of pain.

8. movies or tv shows? TV shows. Movies are getting longer and longer and my focus is getting shorter and shorter

9. favorite smell in the summer? Rainy days!

10. game you were best at in p.e.? The game of queue-ducking (where you go to the back of the queue to avoid your turn), or dance, or the less strength intensive parts of gymnastics. Or crying, always been great at that xD

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Muesli, or nothing.

12. name of your favorite playlist? I prefer to listen to full albums rather than playlists, but I have a few favourites on Spotify. Born to Run 150BPM, Infinite Indie Folk, Irish Folk: Jigs and Reels, All Out 80s/90s/00s. I also love scene/pop-punk playlists.

13. lanyard or key ring? Key Ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? Message Hearts (or anything with that texture), the red pack of starbursts (the UK version is vegan). Does Turkish Delight count because if so then that is my fave. I also like gummies if they’re vegan.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? To Kill a Mockingbird (high school), or The Bloody Chamber (uni), or Hamlet (uni)

16. most comfortable position to sit in? One foot under me, the other foot out to the other side, but both in the same position (if the surface is flat), or knees up.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? I own a lot of shoes so there isn’t really a single pair I wear the most. Recently my Air Force 1s, I’m trying to wear them in because the previous owner didn’t so the cause blisters.

18. ideal weather? Cold, overcast, rainy, still. Or without the rain. or snow (as long as I’m not going in the car and I can go crunch my shoes in it xD

19. sleeping position? Either side, but my body is kinda rotated towards the bed so it’s like half way between on my stomach and on my side. 

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? Notebooks

21. obsession from childhood? Animals, dinosaurs, goddesses, magic, crystals, neopets, sims. I still love all of these things, I am a rotating door of obsessions, usually a bunch of the same obsessions on repeat.

22. role model? I don’t have one particular role model, I do have tons of people that I love and respect.

23. strange habits? I have so many strange habits that I have become one myself. Nothing actually stands out though because 99% of it is because of my brain.

24. favorite crystal? rose quartz or moonstone.

25. first song you remember hearing? Maybe Dancing Queen by ABBA, definitely the first I remember dancing to, but my dad loves music so I grew up with a constant stream of it.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Suffer xD when I’m able to do so comfortably I’d love to go out looking for pretty stones, and nice sticks with my fiance, also would like to go on picnics with him, or a friend if I had one.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Baking, drawing, crafts, standing in the rain. Everything.

28. five songs to describe you? 6/10 - Dodie Robert Frost - Mal Blum Caught in the Middle - Paramore Side Effects - Jade Bird Snitches Get Stitches - Onsind  Bonus track: The Seed - Aurora I wish I still had the playlist I made of songs I relate to, several of these were on it though.

29. best way to bond with you? Oversharing, or telling me about things you’re into.

30. places that you find sacred? Nature. My favourite spots are little creeks/rivers in wooded areas, but just like, all of it is special and should be treated as such. Also bedrooms.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? I think maybe I’m not gutsy or whatever enough, but also unpredictable. I wear whatever I like, and I’m just as likely to cry in all of them as I am to accidentally get in a fight.

32. top favorite vines? I feel so basic because I never really did the vine thing.  There was one that nearly killed me because I literally started to choke that was in some kind of office and the bit like can you run this past me again, and they just fucking legged it past them holding a folder up, Saw it once, never saw it again. Road work ahead. Why you can’t lift a house (might be a tok?) Brass dad and oven kid Look at this graaaaph Never learned how to read I can’t sit I have hemorrhoids The one with the people in blankets bobbing the nana nanana song Fr esh avo ca do Look at all these chickens

33. most used phrase in your phone? I love you - if I had to guess

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? right now, nothing. I often get the old Super Liquor jingle lodged in there though.

35. average time you fall asleep? 6am?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Charlie the unicorn or that one Noodles video by Cyanide and Happiness. Are those even memes?

37. suitcase or duffel bag? Depends. I mostly use a bag though since I never go anywhere for long.

38. lemonade or tea? Tea? Usually if you ask for lemonade here you get Sprite which is not lemonade.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? I had a vegan lemon meringue pie once, so good. Cake is easier to make though, and I can eat more in one sitting without getting sick xD

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Um, the principal in my last year of school got caught for being a peeping tom a few years after I left.

41. last person you texted? My Fiance.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? Jacket pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Depends on the rest of the outfit and the weather. I wear Jean jackets most though.

44. favorite scent for soap? I love lavender, or vanilla/candy/fruity/baked goods type scents. I still have a bottle of Sugar Fairy spray from lush from a year ago and I love the smell of that.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy I think.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Nekkid?

47. favorite type of cheese? As a kid it was feta. Now I only eat vegan cheese. I was never a huge cheese fan tbh.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Rotten xD um probably a cranberry or something because I’m small, and I’m not a fan of cranberry.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? An it harm none do what you will. Or treat others as you wish to be treated.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? Probably one of the vines I listed above, either “run it past” or “can’t lift a house” because both of those resulted in crying and choking.

51. current stresses? My cat has been throwing up and having diarrhoea the past week or so, she’s been to the vet, it got better for a bit, but tonight suddenly got worse. Living with my parents who I have a very toxic relationship with. Living in a single very overfilled room. Trying to not spend money so that I can save up to move next year. Nightmares about my trauma. Either the house is haunted or there’s a build up of negative energy (probably that).

52. favorite font? I always liked the look of all of the script style fonts (freestyle, french, lucida, lucida calligraphy, Edwardian, Palace) but they’re not accessible so for anything people will actually see (which is literally nothing) I always go with arial.

53. what is the current state of your hands? Slight rash on one finger because I’m sensitive to what is in a lot of hand washing products apparently (never an issue until the pandemic), one broken finger nail that is a bit shorter than the rest. Not painted nails because energy. I always wear my engagement ring, usually I wear several other rings but with how my skin is being I thought I’d better not for a while.

54. what did you learn from your first job? Bakeries are hell, my circadian rhythm will not adjust to anything besides its natural state for longer than a couple of days at a time no matter how long or hard I try. I can absolutely fall asleep standing up.

55. favorite fairy tale? Ugly Duckling

56. favorite tradition? I don’t have anyway... Yet? Hopefully when I move this can become a thing.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? I’m interpretting overcome loosely here, meaning “I have not died from this” - Suicide of my first love - Bullying - 3 different jobs that all nearly killed me

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Literally can’t think of one. I’m not talented. I’m passable at a couple of things, but I worked for those things and I’m still not good enough for anyone to confuse me for being talented xD Those things I care about that I’ve worked on a lot are singing, art, languages, crafts? I still struggled to come up with 4. My bad.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Aw jeez xD

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? Magical Girl! This is an easy one, give me the powers and the clothes yessss.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Literally sitting here drawing a blank, so instead of favourite here is the first one that came into my head “eyes are the genitals of the head” (may have that wrong, I’m watching the Office for the first time rn)

62. seven characters you relate to? Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Amelie from Amelie Matilda from Matilda Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notredame (also my favourite plush as a kid) Iris - The Holiday Jess - New Girl Amelia Shepherd - Grey’s Anatomy Struggled with this because suddenly I drew a blank and also couldn’t remember who my Fiance was talking about every time he’s watched a character and said “that’s you” repeatedly.

63. five songs that would play in your club? Starlight - Superman Lovers Pump It - Black Eyed Peas I Bet that You Look Good on the Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys All the Things She Said - tATu Doctor Jones - Aqua Bonus: Push Up - Freestylers These are ones  I have memories of dancing to when I was younger so that’s how I picked, but I’d absolutely be a themed night club with different music on different nights.

64. favorite website from your childhood? Neopets, which I still play daily. The first I played was MaMaMedia, then Bubblegum Club.

65. any permanent scars? That’s a SORE subject heh get it heh

66. favorite flower(s)? Lavender, rose, peony

67. good luck charms? I usually carry gemstones if I’m needing to be particularly lucky, or sigils.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? I hate anything spicy. I had rootbeer candy that tasted like literal dirt. I can’t eat banana stuff without gagging and getting a headache. I hate anything that is artificial blackberry or blackcurrant, tastes like shitty cough syrup.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Sea Monkeys breathe through their feet, but I remember where I learned that.

70. left or right handed? right

71. least favorite pattern? depends entirely on the colours, I like patterns. but certain stripes do make my eyes feel funny.

72. worst subject? If PE counts, then that. If not, math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo? I love pineapple on pizza but that’s not weird. Iused to eat cheese and jam sandwiches as a kid though.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? I operate on how long it has lasted instead of how bad it is, essentially I get so desperate so I’ll try it even though it probably won’t help. I have the resistance of a rhino to most meds.

75. when did you lose your first tooth? No idea, like 4 I think? I did keep them in a weird little box for no reason though because they never got taken away from under my pillow.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? I’m a fan of a good mash if it has lots of flavour (like gravy). Otherwise, crisps or fries.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? I grew a radish once! Something cat safe though these days, also maybe something heavy, and hard to knock over?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Grocery Store sushi, if it’s just veg.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? My only ID is my passport, and it is BAD.

80. earth tones or jewel tones? Both.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? Fireflies (ten million of them to be precise)

82. pc or console? Grew up with PC. Now play my switch mostly.

83. writing or drawing? Both. Wrote more as a kid, draw more now.

84. podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts.

84. barbie or polly pocket? Both. But I prefered pollies as a kid

85. fairy tales or mythology? mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes? cupcakes

87. your greatest fear? Based on my nightmares, stairs.

88. your greatest wish? To live in a comfy house, in the country, with my Fiance, I have travelled the world, we have pets, I can function, we are free.

89. who would you put before everyone else? My Fiance and out animals.

90. luckiest mistake? Can’t think of any, most of my mistakes have been more like bad choices, also never turned out well for me.

91. boxes or bags? Depends what it’s for?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? lamps, or fairy lights. Unless I’m particularly anxious, then overheads.

93. nicknames? None.

94. favorite season? Winter

95. favorite app on your phone? LINE, it has my fiance, and animated stickers.

96. desktop background? Little Twin Stars

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? My own.

I never get asks and needed to distract myself so I’m going to just answer these anyway, like a survey or something. Original post by tr33-g1rl 

[vaguelygeiszlerian]

1 to 50

ok i just saw this existed, i live on tumblr mobile where i ignore the activity tab and scroll endlessly, bear w me

Animated character that was your gay awakening? uhhhhhhh,,,....,,,.. if i remembered anything abt my childhood i would tell u, im gonna say rukia from bleach because i want gorgeous short people to step on me

Grilled cheese or PB&J? peanut butter Always... tho if it was a fancy grilled cheese (there is a special preparation).... i would be torn

What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on? it really depends! i bounce around, i watch a lot of baumgartner restorations, i watch a LOT of nyx fears video essays on horror movies i would never watch, i watch longplays of, like, nier automata bc im still delighted by cryaotic?

Your go-to bar order, if you drink? i dont really get to order a lot of drinks at bars, itll depend, if im with friends ill order as many things off the cocktail menu as my money allows, if im with my parents ill order long island iced teas or whiskey and lemonade

What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own? i literally own like 3 pairs of shoes, one of which being the only pair i can actually safely wear haha.... but my favorite pair is the black red and gold converse that dont fit anymore but still remind me of high school

Top three cuisines? mexican, italian, whomever the fuck invented kasoundi

What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)? yeah as said above i have no clue about anything about my childhood so idk i think mum said once that my first proper word was just ‘no’ which sounds abt right

What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had? idk if my last job counts? i mean i used to do all round garden labor stuff until my pain got worse and i literally couldnt anymore so i got relegated to desk work

Look up. What’s directly across from you? oh a container of pesto i didnt like the flavour of and just... forgot to throw out.... i will do that tomorrow

Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? i have a rwby poster signed by ray and jack? its p cool

Preferred way to spend a rainy day? preferred right now? wrapped in a metric fuckton of blankets w my partner

What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? i..... dont like bagels

Brunch or midnight snacks? i live a weirdly scheduled life, midnight snacks and brunch are interchangeable to me now, so both

Favorite mug you own i..... dont really have one? all of my actual mugs that are mine have my deadname on them haha

What coffee drink would you describe yourself as? overbrewed black coffee that someone left to go cold before dumping six packs of sugar in

Pick a song lyric to describe your current mood (and drop the name and artist!) ‘ And I don't want your pity I just want somebody near me ‘ bc we all love a bit of mitski when we are feeling the self isolation creeping in

Fruity or herbal teas? fruity teas only! or rather i drink fruit tisanes! but if you mean actual tea then herbal, i only drink peppermint tea

What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless? fruits basket! everyone watch the reboot

That book you were forced to read for class but actually ended up enjoying? all the books i read for class sucked but medea wasnt so bad

Do you match your socks? only when theyre very fun patterned socks, and even then sometimes i will match them to the wrong pair but the same pattern, aka my double watermelon combo (i have a pair of green socks w watermelons and a pair of black socks w watermelons so)

Have you ever been horseback riding? no and i never will because i am fucking terrified of horses

What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) uh.... uh i mean im not sure if it counts as a phase but i was stupid into vampires (to the point of me and my friends constructing the intricate theory that our teacher was a vampire and we had to kill her by the time we graduated (she was not and we did not and i hate all of those people now) i was just the weird conspiracy kid i guess, we used to spend every lunch staring across the oval at a house we were SURE an alien lived in (it was just a plastic bag being rustled by a fan)

Have you ever been to jail? bkdnbrb god no

What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)? im a lazy susan

Puzzles? i cant solve a rubiks cube but give me a 2000 piece jigsaw and ill sit there for 6 hours trying to solve it

You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it? oh this is tough..... orange juice, the fancy kind but with no bits in it, i used to like the bits but these days i just want a clean juice experience

What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore? ,,,,,,the ya fiction section, i never buy anything from there but i like to see if series i read as a teenager ever got new instalments after i stopped liking them

What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now? how to sleep like a normal person

Who’s your go-to musical artist when you’re feeling upbeat? uh, it depends! lizzo or my playlist of musicals! (which is literally just starkid/tcb stuff)

Where could someone find you in a museum? i could literally be anywhere, probably in front of some old piece though, just staring for an hour bc im struck by the majesty of it (and my legs probably locked up so i couldnt move anyway)

What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to? so i have a nice white button up and some really nice jeans i just got, and my suspenders, and my cool blue heels that i know i cant wear bc my legs cant handle walking in heels anymore, but it would look cool am i right

Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds? i look up at my roof which is almost entirely covered in glow in the dark stars and then stare into the camera (i wish every day that my roof was like the roof of the healthy harold van, i still have fucking dreams of that beautiful ceiling)

If you could own any non-traditional pet (dogs, cats, fish, rodents, etc), what would it be? non traditional? id want a lizard that could curl round my shoulders like a leathery scarf

Do you have more art on your walls or more photographs? i dont have any photos on my wall so art by default

You have to get one meme tattooed on your body, what meme is it and where does it go? i just want the pensive emoji tattooed in the small of my back so if i wear a crop top everyone has to suffer with me

Pick a superhero sidekick to hang out with fuck superheroes they suck, can i hang out with jason todd red hood style

Lakes, rivers, or oceans? oceans, i want to go to the beach so fucking bad

Favorite mid-2000s song i dont really have a Big Favorite but like..... i constantly thank god for esteban

How do you dress when you’re home alone? ive been in the same sweatpants and old paint shirt i got from my painting and decorating course for three days

Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? armchair closest to the kitchen, perfect to make a quick escape if dad comes in

Knives or swords? knives, i dont have the upper body strength for swords

A song you didn’t think you’d enjoy but ended up loving? oh uh run away with me by crj, *bwoooooooo buhnuhnuuuuuu buhnuhnuuuuuhhh buhnuhnuuuuhhhhh*

Pick an old-school Disney Channel Original Movie HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL BUT SPECIFICALLY ONLY CERTAIN PARTS FROM EACH OF THEM BC COLLECTIVELY THEY SUCK BUT PARTS OF THEM ARE PERFECT

Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? no caption i dont want people to really acknowledge that i post things

Name a classic Vine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anQds9PQ7CA

What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? hash browns hash browns hash browns ONLY

How do you top your ice cream? god its been so long since ive been able to eat ice cream.... with the reeses peanut butter ice cream shell topping

Do you like Jello? jelly is the pinnacle of our society and i wish i were eating it right now

What’s something that you don’t have a picture of that you wish you did? i wish i had a picture of myself and my partner so i could set it as my phone lock screen (that or i wish i had a picture of me and a friend i really dearly miss bc i have pics of her in my phone but not of us together and i want some but i cant bring myself to say so)

How are you at climbing trees? theres a tree in my front yard i used to be able to hang off but nowadays i think id hurt myself just trying to lift my nasty meat sack off the ground trying

[coffeegirl-world]

Week 7 blog post----

The Triptych paintings were created to serve as altarpieces, mainly the pieces contributed and helped with prayers. Later in a different news article, I came across information stated that it is most unlikely this artists work was used as altarpieces. According to My Modern Met.com, the art that Hieronymus Bosch created was far to sexual and unlikely that it would fit into the beliefs of a church. The article came to the conclusion that it was uncertain what exactly this artwork was made for.  Most of the Triptych paintings deal with the Genesis creation narrative involving the creation myth of both Judaism and Christianity.

Later in the My Modern Met.com article, I was reading about many interpretations involving The Exterior, explaining that, the Triptych was more than likely supposed to be red like a book from left to right because each of the panels was made to be interconnected. Through my research on this painting I learned a new artist term called “Grisaille.” Which is used when the artist uses mostly tones of gray or neutral colors to better contrast what is happening on the interior of the painting.  The Exterior Panels piece is a depiction of what the Earth was thought to look like around the third day of its creation. People believe that this painting is of the third day because there are only plants visible on the planets, no humans or animals.  This painting caught my eye because before I red anything about it, I was really not sure what to make of these geometric shapes. Although it is represented in dull colors, I found it a rather peaceful image to look at and later how I did learn why Bosch chose dull colors for most of the painting. As it was stated in the article, “The intricacy of its symbolism,…has led to a wide range of scholarly interpretations over the centuries.” I found an article describing more details about The Exterior Panels that I had yet to notice. “The tiny figure of God can be seen in the upper left-hand corner, and above him is inscribed a quote from Psalm 33 — Ipse dixit, et facta sunt: ipse mandāvit, et creāta sunt — For he spake and it was done; he commanded, and it stood fast.”

The second image I selected is from the The Garden of Earthly Delights, Interior panels, the panel on the right. Now because there is so much going on within the three panels, I chose to talk about just the top part on the right panel. The setting in this top part of the painting by Bosch is an image of hell for the humans because they gave in to temptations and evil. To me, this painting looks a bit chaotic, almost as if it is a war zone from the looks of the bottom of the painting (the right panel, and a pair of human ears brandishing a blade). The right panel does contrast the other two panels by being the only one painted in a dark setting. The other two panels also seem to be more light and happy verses the right panel is dark colors and depicting hell. This is why I believe that many individuals eyes are drawn to the right side first like myself. The article describes more about the light showing through the darkness in this painting. Overall, this painting reflects pain, embarrassment and sadness for the ones in this place of hell with monsters and somewhat demon like beings. “Large explosions in the background throw light through the city gates and spill into the water in the mid-ground… their fiery reflection turning the water below into blood.” An interesting theory concerning the right panel is that Bosch may have included a self-portrait of himself as the character known as “Tree-man”. Although it is not proven, just a speculation some have.  

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genesis_creation_narrative#:~:text=The%20narrative%20is%20made%20up,(i.e.%20the%20Biblical%20Sabbath).

https://publicdomainreview.org/collection/details-from-bosch-s-garden-of-earthly-delights-ca-1500

https://mymodernmet.com/garden-of-earthly-delights-bosch/

[classicalliberalleague]

Does PGC even post anymore or is that all the cute animals? So this is to NAC. First off. Do you vote? And if so what do you vote for? And second of all, what is your purpose on this site? You rip people a new one if they don't lick your boots and then block them. You've created a soapbox in an echo chamber. What the hell makes you think you're conservative? And why the hell do you think we have time to read the Mueller report. U read it, tell us why the President should be impeached?

Yes, shows you don’t pay much attention, but we’ll get back to that...but most of those animals are NAC.

Yes I vote.  And sadly it’s for a lot of third party candidates who don’t stand a chance because the two main parties are only offering me a choice of fascism and socialism.

“what is your purpose on this site?“ To express my opinion.  For whatever reasons I may have.  The same as any tumblr page.  You act as if I have to justify having a tumblr page.  The fuck?  Better question given that you admit to never actually wanting to learn what is you purpose in existence?  Because whatever it is you’re failing. Once long ago I had hopes that maybe tumblr would expose me to arguments more traditional outlets didn’t...boy was I wrong (just as I was wrong that the majority of Republicans weren’t racist, just as I was wrong once long ago that the FAIR tax was better than a flat tax, and certainly that before reading Federalist 42 and seeing that the Constitution gives no power to regulate immigration I thought for all it’s short coming on economics immigration rules should be followed because rule of law should be upheld and efforts should be pragmatically made to reduce them over time...but once I saw that it was unconstitutional I realized they have to go right now...we could go on for a long time on things I’ve learned I’m wrong about, but that would involve discussion what is I’m sure a foreign concept to you, learning).

“You rip people a new one if they don't lick your boots and then block them.“ I rip people a new one if they waste my time.  If you came into my house and started yelling at me I’d be well withing my rights to send you to hell you so richly deserve.  If you come to my tumblr page to spout drivel I will throw you out as well. 

“You've created a soapbox in an echo chamber. “ Soapbox, certainly.  Echo chamber.  It is presenting an opinion certainly, one biased by reason, facts, logic, and ethics.  But I don’t exist in an echo chamber.  Every day I keep up with CNN and Fox, Washington Times and Washington Post, AEI and Brookings, CATO and The Dipatch, The Bulwark and the Atlantic, National Review and Ricochet.  From the Far Right to the Far Left to the Far Libertarian.  I track down primary documents and I post some of the more interesting stuff I find. Not to mention hundreds of books from a variety of sources. So I’m not in an echo chamber.  And I don’t require that anyone else be in an echo chamber.  Please go find other sources than me.  But if you’re going to waste my time by commenting on my post with the intellectual equivalent of diarrhea don’t expect me to want to bother with you.  You and I both have the right to speak, and we both have the right to not listen.  You have a problem with my right to speak and my right to not listen, I am fully in support of both of yours. 

“What the hell makes you think you're conservative?“ A desire for small, limited government (unlike both parties at present).  A desire for free market capitalism (unlike both parties right now).  A desire for following the Constitution (both parties fail, but the democrats are vaguely in line with impeaching Trump, but I wouldn’t begin to fool myself that they suddenly believe in the Constitution...which is the documents benefits, it doesn’t always have to be believed in just followed to work).  I believe in low taxes and free trade like the Founding Fathers.  I believe in doing what works by that I mean things that in one example after another show pragmatic results that benefit everyone (capitalism, open border, free speech, freedom of religion, the right to bear arms).  I believe in personal responsibility, in defending liberty at home and abroad, at opposing tyranny at every turn.

  Can Trump or any of his supporters say the same?  No. Not on a single point.

So how do you claim I’m not a conservative?

“And why the hell do you think we have time to read the Mueller report.“ Because you as a voting citizen have a civic duty to hold your elected representatives to account and to do that you have stay informed.  It’s available for FREE at audible https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Mueller-Report-Audiobook/B07PXN468K It’s 19 hours.  Playing it at double speed or higher (Audible can get up to 3.5x speed, which is how I can get through more than 200 books a year...when was the last time you read even one?) means you’d only need about 10 hours.  Most commutes are 4.3 hours a week...so even if you only listened on your drive to work you’d be done in two and a half weeks. If you don’t have 19 hours to spare, what are you doing?  You never do chores (which can be done while listening to audiobooks?)  or is catching up on the Mandalorian so much more important than the fate of a real Republic...or perhaps given that well over half the pro-Trump blogs I have to block are mostly porn is it that you have other things that capture your attention. 

“tell us why the President should be impeached? “ You see this is why you get blocked.  There are literally hundreds of posts that are much shorter than a 19 hour read that I have posted which do that.  But you didn’t bother to read any of them.  You just attack, blindly, like the brainless twit you are.  But you don’t have to read my posts...but don’t then complain when I don’t have any respect for the filth you call an opinion.

But since you missed why Trump should be impeached, removed, convicted, tried, sentenced and imprisioned for the rest of his life.  Let’s go over it again.

There is the massive tax fraud he and his family were involved in

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/10/02/us/politics/donald-trump-tax-schemes-fred-trump.html

He is a money launder for the cartels

https://www.globalwitness.org/en/campaigns/corruption-and-money-laundering/narco-a-lago-panama/

He has violated the emoluments clause from the first day

https://www.brookings.edu/research/the-emoluments-clause-its-text-meaning-and-application-to-donald-j-trump/

He has obstructed justice in the Mueller investigation:

“Because we determined not to make a traditional prosecutorial judgment, we did not draw ultimate  conclusions  about  the  President’s  conduct.  The  evidence  we  obtained  about  the President’s actions and intent presents difficult issues that would need to be resolved if we were making a traditional prosecutorial judgment.  At the same time,if we had confidence after a thorough investigation of the facts that the President clearly did not commit obstruction of justice, we would so state.”  I.e. Barr won’t let us charge him.  If we thought he wasn’t guilty of obstruction we’d say so.  We’re not saying so.  (I.e. he’s guilty of obstruction his handpicked Goering wannabe Barr just won’t let us charge him with the crimes he committed).

Conclusion from the Mueller Report.  https://www.justice.gov/storage/report.pdf

Is one paragraph short enough for you?

He attempted extortion of a foreign nation (I read the summary of the transcript where he said “do me a favor”, can’t read the transcript as he keep repeating because it has been illegally classified)

He did said extortion to help himself win an election a violation of his oath of office and to help his friends in Russia.  Both crimes.

And then he committed obstruction of justice/Congress by not allowing his people to testify. 

I notice also that you tried to take this back to the Mueller report because his crimes that the Democrats actually had the balls to impeach him on (a mere fraction of the crimes he is guilty of) are such an open and shut case that you prefer to take things back the Mueller Report which does requires above an elementary level of reading (which I’m guessing you, like your God-King Trump, lack). 

Now please, fascist cocksucker run along.  Don’t bother me again.  I will never concern myself with your meaningless drivel but you can shout your filth as much as you want.  I just don’t care.  Just don’t bother me unless you want to come and deal with real facts (I realize such a thing is so foreign a concept to you that you probably stopped reading long ago to go back to the porn blogs that are more you level, but still, I have to put in the request, Don Quixote that I am--that’s a reference to a book by the way, you’re supposed to read them not burn them...again I’m sure it’s a concept that goes too far for you). 

“ U read it,“ There are always of course unintentional typos and only a fool points those out on a format such as tumblr.  But “U”?  In a political argument you treat this like a high school girl texting her bffjill? And you wonder why my contempt knows no bounds.

- NAC

—-

As for me, PGC, I post once in a blue moon. Occassionally I post about my history podcast, which is only one of the many projects I’m working on that have made tumblr so very low on my priority list. Politics is no longer my main sector of interest and that was 90% of what I used tumblr for.

So yeah, I’m busy. I keep up with the news and post on twitter fairly often (@MeredithAncret aned @history_wtf, if anyone is desperate to know) but I’m starting grad school in 6 weeks (meaning my reading assignments already started), writing my podcast, and working on at least two novels and a short story series intermittantly. If someone wants my opinion they can address an ask to me and I’ll see it eventually or NAC will let me know it’s there.

[existential-queers]

Our Hero, Satan

A very silly paper written by a very silly person about a very silly poem

Thank you and goodnight

Modern interpretations of Lucifer Morningstar are overwhelmingly that of a sexy, misunderstood bad boy with daddy issues. Look no farther than Netflix's Lucifer or The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina for example. While it would be undoubtedly easier to sell one's soul to a tall, dark, attractive, chiseled beefcake, this is not Satan's long-established depiction. From the days of early Christianity, Satan was a monstrous and horrific creature of the deep—not so much tempting as terrifying. The question is then, of course: what changed? Enter John Milton's highly kudosed fix-it fanfiction, Paradise Lost, and its unlikely protagonist, the Morningstar.

Paradise Lost chronicles the biblical genesis from the perspective of none other than he who has been called Wicked One, Adversary, Father of Lies, and Prince of Darkness: ya boi, Satan. From his very introduction directly proceeding the Fall, Satan is undeniably charismatic. He is certainly the most dynamic of the ensemble cast with even some critical claims that “Satan is superior in character to Milton’s God,” an omniscient, omnipotent, all-benevolent, blah, blah, non-human, blah, blah, perfect, blah, blah, flat and boring character (Kaiter and Sandiuc 452). There are no excuses, Milton. In rousing speeches of revolution and sly temptations in the garden, he gains the audience's sympathies, though perhaps not trust. He is still Satan and his words should probably be taken with a grain of salt, or maybe a whole block, just to be on the safe side. Wading through the suave and sympathetic, the question often raised and hotly debated is: is Satan a hero or a villain? 

Satan begins the poem in pain, chained in a lake of boiling sulfur, surrounded by fallen friends. After getting yeeted “headlong flaming from th’ ethereal sky,” free-falling through primordial Chaos, and crash landing in the wretched abyss, he is bound to straight up not be having a good time (Milton 1.45). Now you may be thinking: well that’s what he gets for rebelling against God and being, you know, Satan. What, then, would you say about an unsuccessful revolutionary who rebelled against a cruel dictator and was jailed and tortured indefinitely? This is the picture Satan paints, at least. Even after all this, he holds out hope to learn from prior mistakes, gather up his comrades, and

To wage by force or guile eternal war

Irreconcilable, to [their] grand foe,

Who now triumphs, and in th’ excess of joy

Sole reigning holds the tyranny of Heav’n. (Milton 1.121-124)

They all live to fight another day, and even in a place where hope cannot reach them, their leader inspires it once more.

This is terribly reminiscent of Greek tragic heroes the likes of Odysseus and Jason. Satan is a brave and clever leader, trekking through Chaos to the garden himself rather than sending a poor redshirt. After a bit of kitty shape-shifting and spying, Satan gets to work on infiltrating the garden in the most effective way imaginable: fighting battle-ready angels head-on. Again. After that predictably fails, he heals up in Hell while the demons build a cannon. A cannon that also fails. Come on, Satan; only a third of Heaven fell with you. Face it, you just don’t have the numbers. Back to pre-Plan A, Satan fits himself with another animal disguise but with fewer limbs this time. There must be something thematic about the number three—wonder what that could be—because it finally works. Humans: tempted, God: thwarted, Satan: could probably use a nap.

Satan may be the protagonist, but that does not necessarily make him a hero. One of the most important aspects of the Greek model of a tragic hero is hamartia. This is not to say that he does not have flaws—of course he does, he’s Satan!—but that his flaws are the same as all of his more admirable qualities. What gives Satan his complexity is his paradoxes and contradictions such that “envy, pride, ambition, [and] self-glorification give the character his singularity and magnificence but also pass the rigorous sentence on him” (Kaiter and Sandiuc 453). He is the protagonist in that he is the main character of the work, but he is also the antagonist in that he “drives the plot with his machinations” (Kaiter and Sanduic 457). Satan is just self-aware enough to realize: “Which way I fly is Hell; myself am Hell” (Milton 4.75). Of course, he tosses self-reflection off the not-so-proverbial garden wall moments later in favor of some mischief, but at least he recognized it.

Satan’s way of fighting what very well may be an authoritarian overlord is petty at best and truly evil at worst. In the narrative, he fights not for justice but for “desperate revenge” through the destruction of innocents (Milton 3.85). The humans were not involved in the first war, but Satan seems to play by the logic that ‘if I can’t play with you anymore then no one can.’ So, like a cat or a toddler lacking enough attention from father dearest, he throws a fit and breaks daddy’s favorite toy. That is if daddy’s favorite toy is an entire species now damned to eternal torment until someone else is brutally murdered. How barbaric. But, to be fair, that last bit is God’s fault. If you’re omniscient and omnipotent, can you not just design a better world? Are you not more powerful than sin, a literal child of your own creation? So then, are you not omnipotent or not all-benevolent? Either way, Satan’s actions are rather villainous.

On a more meta note, it is such an interesting detail that Satan is a supreme orator in regards to Milton’s beliefs on writing. Certainly, Satan had to be a phenomenally eloquent speaker and rhetorician to fit the narrative (i.e. rallying comrades in Heaven to go up against God himself, tricking Eve to eat an Edenic tide pod, etc.), but the way that Milton executes it inspires *chef’s kisses*. Milton, who found the heroic poetry format of rhyming couplets to be constricting, who deliberately chose to write his epic in plain verse, puts the rare and only rhymes in Satan’s speeches. He basically shouts to his audience: I hate when people write poetry in this style, oh and here’s a character I wrote whose speech emulates this style (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). You are not that slick, Milton. Okay, you’re kind of slick.

Milton may have set the precedent of Sexy SatanTM, but that is not all his Satan is. He seems to be in the my-book-started-a-genre-with-flat-tropes-and-cliches-I’m-blamed-for-but-are-not-representative-of-my-book club alongside JRR Tolkein and Suzanne Collins. The Satan of Paradise Lost is more complex than the bad boy who wrote his name on God’s blacklist. Milton “creates a character who is at once someone we tend to appreciate as heroic, and someone we want to see defeated” (Kaiter and Sanduic, 456). Satan is not an Enjolras, but he is not a Hope-less Pandora’s box of pure evil either. In the same vein, Satan is not properly a hero or a villain either. The most fitting label for him may just be that of an anti-hero: one who employs deplorable methods to do what is considered good and righteous but often succumbs to hubris anyway. Milton’s representation of Satan is almost nebulous in motivations and moral center, if such a thing could be said about Satan. While this makes him difficult to pin down, it continues to inspire religious and literary critique to this day.

[write-as-raine]

From Dreams We Must Wake

     I could write, for hours upon hours; I could spin consonants and vowels into beaches covered in a thousand tiny pearls of sand, I could write moonlight onto cherry blossoms, I could even write you here into my arms. Eventually, all that is written must come to be. Maybe not today, maybe not in this world, on this plane of existence, but in some form or another, it will happen. It’s a dizzying knowledge to have, that with blank space and one long sleepless night I can push this world over the edge of existence and recreate it. But all I have in the time being, is a page, and a pen that is low on ink, and a sky that is turning gray and light and now. I cannot write myself. I can only write that which exists beyond me. So you see the limits of my power, my vast and hollow kingdom, where everything is paper and echoes and you. 

-excerpt from my mind

     Who knew that snappy blog posts and ramblings about my goings-on would come to a rather severe close? I certainly did. It’s pretty normal for me to live my life on a cycle of ups and downs, and this whole blog thing has been much the same, as I expected. But while the blog pauses, my brain does not, and if I am thinking I am writing. Sort of. Part of what makes a writer is not only what they have written, but what they will write. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

     This post will be a time machine of sorts, and we will go back to January, when the year was not yet even a week old, then maybe to February, and perhaps even into the future. Buckle up, as always, and thank you for travelling with me today ;)

-jess, 03.05.20

12.31.19

     I keep seeing the phrase “New Year, New Me” everywhere, but the problem is, I don’t want a new me. I want to fully embrace the me that’s here,  even though she doesn’t know what’s next, or what will be happening on new year’s net year, and those things stress her out a lot. I don’t ever want to lose this beautiful radiant soul that never stops singing or humming, who befriends small creatures and puts so much love into the world.

     In the new year, I want to excavate some of the ruins I have let her fall into. I want to dig past the cynicism and find the softness I used to have before the blunt edge of life’s gentle toils buried it beneath layers of pessimism. I don’t want to be jaded, I want to be wise, kind, a positive light. I want to radiate joy, not negativity. But I also want to accept that not every day will be a happy day, some days will simply be days, and the joy will occasionally have to be manufactured, or worked for, and that is okay too. I want to practice the self-love that I preach.

01.05.20

      As the days following the hubbub of Christmas roll toward the impending year, my brain becomes a flurry of planning and thinking, and most of all, stress. My worry for the uncertainties of another year clouding all of my excitement for what could happen. I know this is a flaw, to always fear the unknown, while putting aside the imminent joy that I could harness should everything go right. This year, instead of wrangling together a list of 'resolutions' I didn't really want to make, like losing weight or sticking to some arbitrary life track plan, I made my goals for the new year a bit softer, hazy around the edges. My list of resolutions resembles a very soft manifesto.

       The problem I began to see with my past resolutions, and why I always ditched them is because they were usually something that wasn't going to make me happier (i.e. getting super swol) and they weren't going to make everything magically fall into place (i.e. planning out my every move). Neither of them addressed the real problems I had faced in the previous year, like being too tired for physical activity because I was running myself into the ground with work and school, or that I wasn't able to keep with my personal timeline because I was fighting an uphill battle against depression that I was stubbornly ignoring. Instead, I pinned these shortcomings on myself, thinking I was too lazy and lacked motivation, which actually made those problems much worse. This led to a lot of sleepless nights, which led to a lot of snooze buttons hit, a lot of classes daydreamed through, and a lot of naps, which kept this wheel of misery rolling straight downhill. I set myself up for failure. This year, after learning so much about myself and the deeper workings of my mind, a lot of things became much clearer to me.

     I always put so much expectation on myself, that failure could only ever have been the final outcome. I never had compassion with myself, I was too busy giving it all away to friends and family until I was bankrupt of all emotion. Secretly, I think my subconscious did this on purpose. My brain knew that my fear of failure was not as great as my fear of trying my best and it still not working out properly. I almost never wrote anymore at that point in my life, unless it was for a class. Just my struggle to make it through most days kept me so busy that I didn't want to write. I never read things that I enjoyed, too busy slogging through reading that I didn't allow myself to enjoy for class.

     We live in this strange world that is changing faster than we can really keep up with, and it's hard to deal with the emotional repercussions of that. I'm only writing this to say, that this year, I took emotional stock of myself and kept tabs on how things impacted me, and I did a lot of digging around in my own mental toolbox and figured out how to use more than just duct tape and a sledgehammer to do general emotional maintenance.

     My very soft manifesto, which is by no means perfect, and is, of course, completely tailored to my brain and heart and soul so may not work for you, is about observing the world around me, but also observing myself in response to it. Instead of physical self-scrutiny, it is finding good things about my body each and every day, while acknowledging that I am not perfect (who is??) but I have legs that let me dance, and arms that give good hugs, I have hands that are just right for rubbing the soft nose of a horse and plucking discordant chords on my guitar. I have eyes that allow me to see the raindrops slip down the window, mostly unaccompanied, and I have a mouth that lets me convey my emotions through speaking and smiling and singing and weird sound effects. I have a body that is soft and warm and loves to be piled on a couch with my friends in a cuddle puddle.

     I also included in my manifesto, that I would accept the days as they come, knowing full well that they will not all come with happiness in tow, and that is okay. It will not always be fun, it will not ever be perfect, but it will be my reality, and it will allow me to grow. I will not stop trying to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be, to extend kindness without fail to others, even especially those who do not extend it to me, because that is the only way I know how to keep from becoming cold and hard and cynical.

Oh, and also to maybe drink less caffeine.

   These 'resolutions' are really more of a change in mindset, and I think these will help me immensely, not only in the coming year but throughout the rest of my life.

February

     Small white-capped mushrooms popping through waterlogged soil, a chip in the rim of my fifth favorite mug. A new leaf breaking through on my ivy. The certain and never-failing goodness of strawberry jam on toast. Hot tea on cold nights. No less than fifteen pillows, blankets, stuffed animals on my bed at any given time. Bullfrog eyes resting watchfully on the rims of puddles. Wispy ringlets against the nape of my neck in the steamed bathroom mirror after a midnight shower. The ragged edges of my anxiety fingernails. The mosaic jar in my window that throws a shower of pastel light into my bedroom right before sunset. The sweet fragrance of nostalgia dabbed against the thin skin of my wrist in the form of Floral Street’s London Poppy perfume. The stop-and-stare brightness of the moon. Lavender scented everything. The poetry of ordinary days.

03.05.20

     Here on the farm, our compost bin has just been completed and has excellent approval ratings from the hens. I’m quite pleased with how it turned out despite my brother’s grumblings and my own battles with the drill. Toulouse has become quite the guard goose, and though I think that if it came down to a fight with an actual attacker she wouldn’t do much harm, she certainly sounds the alarm and waddles into the driveway when a car pulls up. She also successfully laid 8 incredibly large eggs. As for our three silkie bantams, aptly dubbed Coco Puff, Cheeto Puff, and Powder Puff, well the poor dears have yet to figure out this going back into the coop business. At sunset, they huddle up against the side of the hen house and wait dutifully for someone to come along and place them in their special pen. Such silly and delicate creatures. Our newest addition to the family, Cleo, a rescue cat, has acclimated well, and even sneaks into my bed at night now. Moo moo, our calf, has gone on to greener pastures. Quite literally. After his time with us, he was thrilled to join a herd of other cows, where he now has a friend his own age and species. The goat kids are growing in leaps and bounds, pun intended. You would think they have electric currents shooting through them the way they hop and skip so. I can’t imagine what magnitudes of joy they experience. 

I think that’s all I have in me for now, until we meet again, 

jess