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katsukikitten · 4 years ago

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Part 5

For once in your life, your eyes slowly open, only having been disturbed by warm morning sunlight. The soft comforter trapping your body heat and essentially you, as it pinned you to the soft mattress. You snuggle deeper into the sheets, breathing in the smell of clean linen and caramel.

Wait. Caramel?

With a jolt you jump from the bed, eyes wide as you look for the source of the scent. Patting down your jeans and shirt for at least one knife. You hardly remember what happened after dinner with his family. You remember booze, light conversation while feeling warm and floaty. Oh shit what was that passive that activated again? Rest assured?

"Info on rest assured." You grumble, voice soft from disuse. Your quirk happily pulls up a little informational box that you can see. Too sleepy to make the box private as it reads aloud to you.

"PASSIVE BUFF REST ASSURED. A newly unlocked buff that increases sleep quality and can only be activated around trusted individuals and safe places. Would you like a list?"

You stare at the question box with a flashing yes or no before you point with the tip of your knife to yes.

"Currently there is only one thing listed. Type : Individual Name: Bakugou Ka…."

"Oi." Someone calls from the front door of the apartment as you dismiss the information with a wave of your hand. He discards his boots at the door before making his way to his bedroom.

"You talking to yourself dumbass?" He says, blocking your only exit by leaning on the door jamb. He holds an iced coffee towards you, his eyes sharp as he adds.

"We need to talk about your file."

Crossing his arms you ignore his offer of iced appeasement, he sets it on the low dresser as you speak.

"It's not up for discussion."

"I'm your boss, I deserve to know."

"What you deserve to know is what's in that file. My whole life doesn't fit into a manila fucking folder. Quit asking questions."

"I'll ask what I want." He growls, "Because it's suspicious that you have this unbelievably complex quirk and yet I'm sure your top skills have nothing to do with stealing."

"If you're that concerned then ask the director of the program. I'm not the only secret 'reform'." You throw your hands into the air is exasperation

"He showed up dead shortly after you were inducted. Plus no one has any real record of what you've done. Not a single thing listed on what you've stolen."

"Talk to Deku then, he's next in line for that program, he ain't dead."

"He said he doesn't remember approving your file." He bites back and before you can retort strong fingers wrap around your wrist. His calloused pads brush over the cool metal of your bracelet.

"RECOGNIZED, BAKUGOU KATSUKI : NEW LIMITED ACCESS GRANTED. 1. Health and Condition status, upon request 2. Top five skills 3. Buffs that would benefit Bakugou Katuski. 4. Pending buffs to be activated by host. Please state a number."

"Two." "Cancel!" You try to shout over him but he beats you to it. The bracelet opens up a little box displaying your top five skills as of late.

"Stab resistance, poison resistance, what would a thief need those for? Stealth is number three and slight of hand is number five. Shit don't add up Princess." He glares while your nostrils flare, ripping your wrist away from his grip.

"You're really fucking pushing it…" He takes a step towards you while you step back as if it were part of a dance as you try so hard to keep your wrath in check.

"Am I? Like I said, shit ain't adding up. You have this bracelet that still has limited information to your quirk, support knows nothing of the recordings or god damn blocks you've placed on it and lastly…" Your knees hit the back of the back of the bed causing you to sit on the mattress. His rough palms come to lie flat against the fabric next to your thighs as he leans in. You fight to shrink back.

"Lastly, I deserve to know how an unnamed woman, who obviously knew you, turns up dead moments after I arrive on scene and then her body is gone in a matter of minutes. She poisoned you with a complex concoction that the lab in the agency has yet to figure out the formula to it and yet you knew the fucking antidote? What did you really do?"

Rage boils in your blood as you stare into his vermilion eyes. Like flipping a switch you turn ice cold, your breath mingles with his.

PASSIVE BUFF SHARP TONGUE ACTIVATED INSULTS DEALT WILL HAVE 39% MORE STING.

"You know what's funny? You don't see me asking how you became a manager with your shitty attitude. Nor do you see me asking how you manipulated and gaslit your way to the number one spot." You press your cheek against his as your lips graze his ear, "And you sure as hell don't see me asking how you're considered a hero at all after you told Izuku to kill himself in middle school."

The scars in his chest and stomach roar to life, demanding attention as his shirt scrapes against the sensitive skin. He takes a step back as if struck while the room begins to smell of smokey spiced caramel. His bones groan as his knuckles bloom white.

You smile as you stand, collecting your bag and the jacket he lent. Even grabbing the iced coffee he got you. Because why let it go to waste?

Cruelty slips onto your shoulders as nicely as his borrowed jacket while you pause at his bedroom door wanting nothing more than to leave him with terrible thoughts.

"Did you ever even apologize for that?"

Silence is your answer as you chuckle to yourself.

"Didn't think so."

You leave him with those nasty thoughts. Long gone as he still pants, pain shooting through his gut and lungs as it did all those fucking years ago.

As he moved without a second thought and placed himself in front of a stupid, dopey mop top boy who tried to hold up the weight of the world by himself.

With a guttural growl he looks over his destroyed room, as if a bomb went off.

He reaches for his phone dialing the number he never bothered to save.

"Meet me at our usual when you get off your stupid fucking shift. I know you've forgotten to eat you useless hero." The other line chimes in with a deep laugh as he adds.

"Okay Kaachan. I'll be there."

Izuku doesn't get invited out often and especially not by Bakugou. So the emerald haired boy decides to keep an eye on his oldest friend. Silently watching and not glancing too long as hot head huffs and puffs, taking another shot. The ash blonde's favorite spicy ramen goes untouched as the large man across from him slurps up his fourth bowl, covered in sweat and dirt from the day's work.

"You better get my fucking money's worth of this endless ramen bowl shit." He bites, slamming down another shot, fingers subconsciously finding the old scar on his chest. The action does not go unnoticed by his more docile friend. Izuku thanks the waiter as he starts on his fifth bowl.

"I'm starting to think you're mad about more than the endless ramen you ordered me." Bright emerald meet dark garnet eyes that glare, Bakugou's cheeks burn in his buzz.

"Fuck you. Nothin's wrong." Another deadly shot.

"That's your seventh. Kaachan you can't fool me. Your body language gives it away." Bakugou follows Izuku's eyes to his fingers. Quickly he removes his calloused pads from the divot. Angrily staring at the wall like a child who's been caught.

"Fuck you." He murmurs, silence settles over the pair in the far back corner of the restaurant. Bakugou's eyes glance over to Izuku who continues to eat, crimson bore into the scars on his arms from where the dumbass had broken them time and time again. His scars burn with your words, with the memory of what he's said in the past.

Too cruel and for what?

"You know I'm-" Bakugou starts but Izuku holds up a hand, wanting to spare his friend.

"I know, you've shown me everyday, even before you jumped in front of me, Kaachan. I've always known." He leaves it at that, in his heart he knows that Bakugou is sorry. He's seen it in every action since their first year at UA, he doesn't need to hear him say it.

What good are words when actions spoke louder?

"So what's bothering you? Worried over someone? You're dating Rogue now right?" Izuku asks, holding his chopsticks at a point while Bakugou takes another shot.

"Her file is what's bothering me. Deku, she doesn't have a fucking thing of her past. Not to mention you don't even remember signing off on her. Real responsible." Bakugou watches with a dull snarl as Izuku goes back to slurping his noodles.

"Ka...Kaachan." Izuku chokes, "Not fair. They put a lot of your desk too and I bet you don't remember half of it."

"I'd remember something like that. Just makes it that much more suspicious. Probably foraged by someone but the question is who…." Katsuki sets his head in his hand, staring at his orange broth.

"Well, did you ask her yourself?" Bakugou scoffs in response.

"Yea, and it didn't fucking turn out well." His finger finds his stomach this time, the ghastly white crater suddenly irritated by the fabric of his shirt. Izuku stops eating, he isn't stupid and easily connects the dots. The soft man thinks back a decade of his friend is the worst condition but more worried about him.

"Kaachan…" Deep jade eyes water a bit but Bakugou puts up a hand

"Don't." He barks, sighing.

"So you must really care about her if whatever she said affected you that much. You weren't even bothered when they were trying to 'cancel' you." Izuku taps Bakugou's bowl with his chopsticks, silently begging the blonde to eat. Hopping he'll take at least a bite to soak up some of that alcohol. Reluctantly deadly fingers pick up the sticks, gathering ramen between them but still undecided if he should eat.

His silence is answer enough for Izuku.

"I know my agency started the program. I'll look into it some more tomorrow. I'll be mostly office duty since I have so much paperwork anyway. But even if her past is dark Katsuki, what are you going to do? She may not have had any say in the matter, she doesn't give me that evil vibe."

Bakugou thinks back to you. How you fight, how you hold yourself.

How cute you were sleeping on his shoulder before he eased you onto his lap. How softly you snored in his bed. His stomach twists, Izuku's words and yours floating around his head.

"I guess I'll decide once I have more answers." With that the blonde decides to bring the spicy noodles to his lips.

#bakugou x reader #bakugo x reader #bnha x reader #bnha au #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugo #bnha imagine #bakugou katsuki x reader #katsuki x reader #too good to be true

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gaymershigh · 4 years ago

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hulloh! I've only been on tumblr for a few hours, and me and my friend already love your work! Is it ok if I request some TWST parent scenarios with Riddle,Lilia,Sebek,Vil and Floyd? If so, thanks! Also once again, me and my freind love ur works alot!

Of course! Since there's no s/o really mentioned in here but people might still want to be included, s/o will be mentioned just a tiny bit (the kids being biological or adopted is up to you since I want to make the s/o gender neutral.) Also, thanks a lot! I'm still and probably be forever an amateur writer so this means a lot to me 🥺💞💞

Triggers: None

Parents au: Riddle, Lilia, Sebek, Vil and Floyd edition!

From what we've seen, his parents are not the best role models like, at all. They were too strict, pressuring him and treating him like a trophy child. However, he will definitely not treat his child like that at all after Ace slapped him with reality.

He will be a bit strict, having some rules and will scold them if they did something wrong but not as scold them the way his mother does. He won't raise his voice at them, showing them the right path after he scolded them. He will give them freedom and try his best to not make his children suffer the same thing he did, especially when he's the source of the pain.

Though, he might accidentally adapt some things from his mother and project her ways to his children, being completely not self aware. If you're his s/o, please teach him the baby steps to avoid this from this occurring too often.

Unfortunately, having a good life and children won't make his short temper extend. This is the only reason why he doesn't spoil them too much, they might act entitled and may be too late to change them back to the innocent infant they were back then. He tries very hard to control his temper if his children unintentionally knock furniture over or damage something. He just needs a few minutes alone, everything will be back to normal later.

There was one time where his child's birthday was near and decided to bake a cake from scratch, without any assistance from Trey nor his s/o. Thinking he could do it and don't want anyone to underestimate him. He was planning to make a burnt strawberry cheesecake and did the mistake of leaving the oven on for an hour for 400 degrees fahrenheit. The cake went on fire but it tasted very good when he for some reason tasted it. Nobody knew about the incident and the cake was actually used for its purpose. Yay for him, I guess.

He was already pretty outdated in trends when he was in his teens so do expect him to be like a middle aged soccer mom on Facebook every time his children send him memes or something like that. If he does even use any sort of social media and stumbled upon a 'funny' minion meme or something, he will definitely send it to the family group chat. He will make those 5th grade types of edits with one of the family pictures with a "I love my family". It's funny but still wholesome so don't laugh at him.

There is no alternate universe where Lilia isn't a good dad. Silver and his other wards are already an amazing example of how amazing of a parent he is! He has gained a bunch of experience so he got this in the bag.

Though, his way of taking care of children might be different from how it is now. Times have changed, there are probably some new and uncomplicated objects or toys to entertain the baby or child. He would love to go on a shopping trip to buy some fascinating kids toys he found in the toy store. Please stop him from buying everything in there because it looks "intriguing".

If you're his s/o, you're very lucky since if you have a baby who always cries at three in the morning or a kid who really have trouble sleeping, Lilia will sing a lullaby and they'll doze off in any second. He can wake up easily or he'll just always stay up playing his games so you don't even need to break a sweat in this situation.

His kids or any kid in general loves him lots. He will always tell his tales anywhere, anytime. If the kids ask him for a story to tell, he will always have a new one ready to tell. They also make amazing bedtime stories! It can be funny little innocent stories like his funny experiences taking care of his three wards to actual battles he went through. Any story is a good story.

He really got along with his child when they're young and innocent but when they get into their teenage years, oh boy. He will unintentionally embarrasses them but their friends won't mind. If anything, they will love him being around as he's always keeping up with the games and trends, not being a fat, shirtless creepy dad. One of the positive parts about his child growing up is that he can play video games with him just like he did with Silver! Reliving the nice memories.

He would always try to cook something in any opportunity he gets and of course, he gets stopped by either s/o or his own children. Yes, they have to go through the hard way to realize their father is garbage at cooking. He would always try to cook some food everytime something good has happen in order to celebrate but most of the times, he just wants to cook something for them to show how much he loves them. They really made him happy, he finally have a biological/adopted offspring to watch growing up (again).

Sebek unfortunately doesn't have that much time to spend time with his children due to being Malleus' trusted escort. Of course, when he does have free time and is not exhausted he will use the opportunity to spend it with his adorable younglings.

Knowing him, he still loves and worships Malleus but he's no longer his only priority in life when he finally has a life of his own other than just being Malleus' bodyguard. He will ramble and tell so many stories about his young master to his kids. They will be infatuated but will later complain about how everything is just "Malleus this, Malleus that". He will get a bit upset about that comment, so he will only talk about Malleus stories for 3 days a week.

He only has focused his life on guarding Malleus and advancing himself on magic and education. Now that he's now an actual father, this is a new chapter in his life and he's not prepared at all. He will seek Lilia for guidance and of course, Lilia being Lilia will rope him to doing something absolutely ridiculous and he would of course, woefully fall for it. Pretty surprising that no matter how much he has fallen for his teacher's trap, he still seeks him for advice.

His kids will definitely learn how to read fast. He loves reading and he really wants his kids to appreciate it too. He was about to immediately give them the books that have old and poetic language without even knowing what the alphabet was. Lilia put a stop to this and you couldn't even bear seeing how sad he looked because he needs to wait for a few years for him to have little reading buddies. Oh well, it doesn't matter now. He will teach them how to read and appreciate the art of reading no matter how long it takes.

He has exposed his children to a bunch of Malleus propaganda so there's no surprise if the children become just like him. Loud screaming, Malleus worshipping, smart but naive and other things Sebek has. If you're his s/o, please keep the children in check as they might cause problems to the neighbors. As this might be troublesome, it's at least entertaining experience I suppose.

Just like Sebek, he has even less time to spend with his kids as he always has modeling, acting and other businesses to attend. He's probably going to be exhausted when he comes back as well. Though, of course he's going to try to use all his energy to talk to his children till he can no longer open his eyes anymore. He prefers an s/o that is a stay-in mom/dad so the children won't feel lonely while he's gone.

They're definitely gonna grow up just like him. A model, actor, media influencer, or the combination of the three and it's not a bad thing. If they're going on the same route as him, he will teach them in a strict but still in a somewhat caring manner as he has learned a lot from his experience of the VDC boot camp and the overblot incident. He will only show his threatening side if they start to misbehave like those ADeuce rats.

Just because they are his children, doesn't mean they get a free pass if they intentionally neglect or not doing their best at all times, especially when it comes to appearance. He's known to be a neat-freak and a very hard worker to the point it's concerning. He will scold them if more than two pimples pop up on their face but he knows when to cross the line. He learned this easier if their child is rather sensitive and just emotionally fragile in general but they still need to take care of themselves.

He expects his children to follow his footsteps when it comes to where they're schooling. He wants them to enter a prestigious school like he did for his reputation and for the sake of his children's future. This is optional (not really) but he also hopes his children to enter Pomefiore as well and take the dorm head title at least the second week they enroll in this school. If they were sorted to a different dorm, they still want them to have a role in their dorm or in the school at all.

He begs to the Great Seven that paparazzi or desperate losers obsessing over him don't intrude into his personal life, especially if it's about his family. The last thing he wants to witness is his family in pain or being uncomfortable for their whole life. He usually avoids or straight up tells the interviewer that he's not comfortable answering questions when they're going too personal when it's about questions of his family.

You cannot feel anymore blessed when you see his smiling face when he received news about having a vacation. He can finally spend more time with his wonderful kids he's raising with all his heart. He will tell them about some funny incidents in the studio while he was involved in some modeling gig or he will bring them to a private island with gorgeous scenery for both of them to enjoy. Of course, his children's happy faces are more beautiful than the island.

Floyd is seen to be very warm and sweet despite having a very intimidating height. Naturally, he's not going to be ruthless and act the same when it's with his children because it's his children of course, family is precious to him. He has a lot of energy even after a long shift at Mostro Lounge, so he will always spend a lot of time with his kids.

He's physically affectionate so expect him to be always close and wrapping his arms around his children at almost all times. He'll usually let them sit on his lap when they watch TV or sleep with them if they can't go back to sleep because of a nightmare. Headpats are needed, especially if the kids did something good or got good news. Not saying he won't give any headpats if something bad happens, maybe headpats of sympathy perhaps.

He's very patient when it's with his children because he doesn't want his children to fear him when they grow up. If anything, the s/o have to do the scolding to avoid him snapping or anything like the sort. They rarely do anything bad though, since they're aware of how their dad acts from how he treats a dirty burglar who once tried to break in.

Since he's usually very active and hates just standing around, he expects his children to be just like him. It's never boring if your dad is Floyd as he always has something really entertaining to do at most times. If you're his s/o, you have the free entrance to see an eel man dancing around with his kids or playing some basketball either inside or preferably in the backyard. He tried showing the art of parkour but is stopped due to it being very risky. He sulked about this but oh well, once they're ten, they have no choice but to learn it!

Floyd is an amazing cook and he sometimes lets his children be involved like chopping some vegetables or stirring the macaroni. He sometimes teaches them the perfect way of doing it or let's them try doing their own meal with his assistance. There was one time they decided to make one of the weirdest food combinations and try to eat it, he won and ate it all as it was too gross for the kids to eat it. It's not gonna be a surprise if everyone in this household is an expert cook when Floyd is here.

If possible, he really wants to bring his kids at work no matter how troublesome they could get. If Azul has a "bring your kids to work" day (which I doubt of him doing), he's going to bring all his children no matter how many he has. If there's no day like that, who cares! He's bringing his kids anyway and nobody's stopping him. Sure, he will get scolded by Azul but if that's the only thing stopping him then he'll take his chances.

I don't if it's still Christmas or not since I don't celebrate it but if it's still is, Merry Christmas! 🎉 I'll just say this is a Christmas gift for you and your friend, Mouaietaru! Especially for that Jamil and Silver fanfic that you made. It's very good, keep up the fantastic work! ✨✨✨

-𝕸𝖎𝖗𝖎

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kaiparker-avengerssmut · 4 years ago

Text

Their Doll 8

Let me in

B.Barnes x Reader, S.Rogers x Stark!Reader

series synopsis: y/n Stark, all records of her non existent, and yet Hydra still find her. When she is kidnapped by a certain super-soldier and no one believes her, she finds herself searching for unexpected familiarity in her not-so-distant past.

Series Warnings: smut, violence, torture, swearing

Chapter Summary: y/n gets emotional

Warnings: swearing, feelings

A/n: The timeline in this has been altered, as there I things I wanted to include but I also wanted this fic to follow the storyline/timeline of Winter Soldier and Civil war.So for purposes of this fanfic, Peter Parker was discovered by Tony at a much younger age - when he was bitten - and has been an intern with him since, almost like a protégée.(For the purposes of this story Peter was bitten much younger too - more like when he was 9 or ten rather than 14/15)

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Life at the tower was...tiring, to say the least. During my free time I often found myself in the gym, lobbing knives at a target and trying my hardest not to biting one in Steve's chest every time he would correct my technique. When I wasn't trying to murder the avenger in cold blood, I was usually dragged into things by the other: briefings and debriefing for missions I'd never go on, my dad's parties, group training sessions and study periods with Bruce in his labs to name a few.

But for now, I was huddled in my rooms - fresh out of a hot shower after a brutal two hour training session and four mile run with Natasha - curled up on my bed and attempting to catch up on a few of the films I'd missed. But the exhaustion and drowsiness clouded my eyes, the noise from the TV merely in the background as I felt my eyes growing heavier by the second.

A sharp knock at the door snapped my out of my lowsey state, the people movie across the screen simple a blur of colour as my eyes darted past the tv and over to the door.

"Mr Stark is waiting at your door. Would you like me to let him in?" FRIDAY's evenly calm voice chimed, making me groan and mumble a 'no' into my pillows. The last person I wanted to see right now was my dad.

"Come on kid, let me in." My dad called from the other side of the door, and I could practically hear him roll his eyes and shake his head when I stayed silent. When he spoke again, it wasn't directed at me. "FRIDAY, override command and open the door."

"Wait! That's hardly fair!" I whined like a five year old, groaning again when the door swung open and my dad stood on the other side, quite clearly just as exhausted as I was.

"Get used to it, kiddo. Life isn't fair." Tony chided, walking over to my bed. I tried to shuffle away slightly when I felt the bed dip, my dad perching on the edge as his eyes scanned over the room. "I see you haven't decorated yet." He commented casually, as if nothing had ever happened between us.

"Yeah, well, I thought It'd be a shame to spend so much time on something when you're probably waiting to kick me out anyway." I mumbled, refusing to look at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you, y/n? Ever since you got back you've been-"

"Acting different?" I cut in, and when Tony simply swallowed thickly I nodded. "Funny that, seeing as I was kidnapped and tortured for three years. Not to mention made to kill people for another year after that."

"Y/n I'm sorry..."

"But you're not! You can't be, otherwise you'd actually have tried to save me, rather than leaving me to rot!" My voice cracked, tears pricked at my eyes and I now sat up straight in my bed, facing my dad but not looking him in the eye. "And you can't change that, you can't go back in the past and fix your mistake. And trying to fix it now sure as hell won't work, so I suggest you leave before I'm tempted to use you as my target for my training session tomorrow." I raised my voice, eyes now keeping his captive as the tears rolled freely down my cheeks.

"Oh, kid, they broke you." Tony murmured, cupping my cheek with his hand, eyes swimming with sorrow. Sorrow that I didn't want.

"You can't fix me either, because I'm not broken!" I said harsher now, voice only getting louder. "I don't need to be fixed..." I trailed off, voice barely above a whisper Joe as my eyes broke the contact, averting to my lap as the tears dropped onto the bed sheets.

That's how I found myself in my fathers arms, face pressed against his shoulder as the sobs made my body shake, hiccups escaping me as I tried to speak.

"A-all I needed W-was my D-dad, and yo- you took him f-from me!" I wailed, hands clutching my dad's shirt and his arms wrapped protectively around my shoulder, hands rubbing circles over my back soothingly.

"I know, kiddo. I'm sorry."

...

"Who is that?" Clint frowned, staring at the pictures scattered over the table in front of Natasha and Steve as they studied them deeply, brows creased in thought.

"Our newest pain in the ass." Tony answered for them, slapping a thick folder down in front of Clint as he said so. The marksman was quick to pick it up, flicking through the documents, news stories and information sheets greedily.

"The...winter soldier?" He asked, looking at the three superheroes in front of him as if they'd gone mad. "But he's a ghost story!"

"I've seen him. Been shot by him, actually." Nat said, an sadistically proud smirk forming on her lips with her last words, almost as if it were an achievement.

"We're trying to find out more about him, maybe that way we can beat him." Steve explained, sitting back in his chair with crossed arms as he huffed in defeat, sick to death with staring at the same five pictures all morning.

Y/n walked in, a skip in her step as she crossed the room to Tony.

"Morning, dad." She greeted, placing a quick kiss to his cheek and heading over to the cupboard to grab a mug. Clint and Natasha frowned in confusion, looking between the two as if they'd witnessed pigs fly.

Tony shrugged, y/n too preoccupied with making herself a coffee to notice the avengers' reactions. When her coffee was done, y/n swiped her mug from under the machine and sipped happily, letting out a content sigh before wandering over to stand behind Natasha.

"What are you working on?" She asked, peering over the spy's shoulder to get a glimpse of the pictures.

A loud smash crashed through the room, Tony's eyes widening in shock and Natasha jumping from her seat in order to not get covered in spilt coffee. Y/n stood paralysed, eyes never leaving the photo in front of her as she started at the Soldier. Steve frowned deeply, studying the girl as her eyes glossed over with with what seemed to be...sadness.

Clint was already at her side, a comforting hand on her shoulder as they all asked y/n what had happened and if she was alright. It was like a constant ringing in her ear interrupted their words before they reached her ears, and y/n suddenly felt nauseous as she starred at the bright red star on the soldier's arm, his long and messy dark hair shrouding his face and his leather clad, muscular body. Only his cerulean blue eyes could be seen, the rest of his face covered in a black mask she didn't usually see him in.

"I-I need some air." She stuttered, stumbling blindly out of the room and down the stairs, tipping over a few steps from the bottom and tumbling down the last few. She quickly pulled herself to her feet, hearing still ringing and vision offset, hazy, as she scrambled for the double glass doors. Luckily they already stood open, so she flew through them and out into the busy streets of New York.

Y/n found herself colliding will someone almost instantly, angry shouts of 'hey, watch it!' And 'look where the fuck you're going, kid!' Being called after her like a chorus as she pushed through the bustling people.

She finally stopped, dropping to her knees and simply staring straight ahead, no intended subject in her line of vision as she tried to comprehend the-the grief, at seeing the a soldier's face again.

It had only been two weeks, and yet two weeks without him, his touch, his scent - it felt like an eternity to y/n now. She hasn't registered what her feeling meant for him before, liking him beyond a source of comfort had just felt...wrong, after all he'd done, and yet y/n couldn't deny it.

She was in love with the Winter Soldier, and she didn't even know his name.

...

I wasn't aware of when someone had found me, nor of how they got me back to the tower or even how I was now stood staring blankly out of the window that stood next to my bed. I gazed longingly, almost as if I stared long enough, hard enough, he'd appear.

But of course he wouldn't, he was probably half way across the world, knowing HYDRA. A soft knock on my door and my head was turning, facing my visitor with a look of pure grief and want. Desperate, unhinged want that could eat you up from inside out and you'd still feel it.

"Hey, y/n. Can I talk to you for a moment?" Nat asked tentatively, clearing trying to to disturb my shaken up state. I nodded, offering a small smile which she returned as I now faced her. She walked up to me, talking my hands him hers and playing with the as she spoke, eyes kind and full of understanding.

"There's a mission, and we want you to go." She said calmly, almost as if the mere thought of it would send me into some kind of heart attack.

"Okay," I begun, eyes flitting down to the floor before back up again. "What is it? Aren't you scared that I'm still HYDRA and all I'd do is stab someone in the back?"

"Not exactly." Nat informed me with a smile, amusement glinting in her eyes at my assumption. "For starters, we all trust you, well maybe not steve - but everyone else does." Nat and I both laughed slightly. "And I think you wouldn't have it any other way it to go on the mission yourself." Nat finished.

"How come?" I asked, brow raised.

"There's been a lead..." she started. "On the winter soldier. We thought you might want to help check it out, possibly capture him. Your powers may be the best chance we have a detaining someone as strong as him." Nat spoke. "And if we can detain him.."

"We can save him." I finished.

"Exactly."

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blueeyedheizer · 4 years ago

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under her wing - castor

WARNINGS: sickness, mention of needles, talks of death, violence

A/N: holy shit. I've had this fic in my WIPs for officially a year now. 🥴 It kinda sucks that no more than 5 people are going to read it but oh well... you get used to it 😂 It's my longest fic so far (4,4k words) I hope it isn't too confusing for those who haven't seen the show, I tried to keep it light on the characters and specific words used in the show. Some parts (ending included) might be a bit rushed cause in all honesty, i lost interest in this fic and ran out of inspiration so...yeah sorry about that but I really wanted to post it anyway :)

•••

"The boy's loyalty is impressive. But he's getting worse, and we're getting nowhere." you heard Nathaniel say as you placed a cold cloth on the boy's forehead, hoping for his fever to cool down a bit. You couldn't help but let your eyes explore his features as you took care of him. A couple of scars traveled across his cheeks, and his neck was covered in black veins contrasting with his pale skin. His eyes were closed, but you remembered them being some of the brightest blue you'd ever seen. He looked almost delicate despite the ferocity of his soul. Your eyes then wandered on his chest. About a dozen needles were pierced on it. The Widow said they were a necessary precaution, as the gift made him dangerous. You dipped the cloth back in the cold water before spreading it over his forehead again.

"I take it my regeant has a suggestion." the Widow continued, interrupting the small silence that had filled the room.

"Cut off his head, and send it to Pilgrim. Punishment for raiding the camp." your head shot right up.

"What?!" you left the boy's side to face Nathaniel, a look of horror on your face. "He's just a boy, Nathaniel. We're absolutely not killing him." you spat, emphasizing on 'absolutely not'. The room went silent for a moment and you scoffed, averting your eyes from Nathaniel to glance at the Widow. "Mother, say something!" you pleaded, throwing your arms in the air to show your frustration. She remained silent for a moment, pacing around as she thought of an alternative.

"We could use the boy's devotion as a weapon to weaken Pilgrim."

"The man's a zealot, we need to send a clear message."

"I won't let you do that, Nathaniel. Everything doesn't always have to be solved with cutting heads off. You'll have to find another way." you crossed your arms over your chest, well determined not to let him have the last word on this. The Widow's pacing came to a stop and she sighed.

"We're keeping him here for now until he gets better." she continued, looking at you. "If he ever does. But he's under your responsibility."

The same day, Cressida showed up to the Sanctuary and, as expected, threatened to attack if the boy wasn't given back to Pilgrim. After lots of talking, arguing and being on the verge of fighting, all four of you eventually agreed on a deal. Three of the widows' Butterflies were to be temporarily sent into Pilgrim's army in exchange for you to keep the boy and take care of him for a strict amount of time. 4 months, nothing more, nothing less. And if the boy dies in your hands, the Butterflies die with him.

You were the one who suggested the deal in the first place. You saw Minerva and Nathaniel's eye widen when the words left your mouth, but you felt like this had to be done. Something about the boy was intriguing, and you needed to know more about him.

The Widow had given you the order to take him to the small spare room she had originally got built to keep M.K. locked. You were against the idea of locking him up at first, but you couldn't push aside the fact that he was a Dark One, therefore much stronger than you and a potential danger to you and everyone else.

You let him get some well deserved rest and came back two hours later to check up on him.

Unlocking the door, you stepped inside before carefully locking it again behind you and walking towards him. He was finally awake, lids still half closed as his sickness got the best of him, tiring him out mercilessly. You stared at him for a moment before speaking up.

"How are you feeling?" he didn't answer. Not with words anyway. But his cold, hard glare told you that he wasn't planning on getting friendly with you. You took a sit on a chair nearby, resting your forearms on your lap.

"Tell me. How does Pilgrim control your gift? I saw him turn it off." you stated, your eyes meeting his.

"You think you know about the gift? About us? You know nothing." he spat. "Pilgrim was chosen."

"By whom?"

"By Azra." You stayed silent for a moment and frowned, stunned by how brainwashed he seemed to be.

"There's no such thing as Azra." You barely managed to get those few words out before he suddenly grabbed your wrist and pulled you down in one swift movement, rolling over and pinning you to the bed, the side of his forearm over your throat as his other hand held a blade flat against your cheek leaving you helpless.

"You know nothing about us, about Azra. About what we're fighting for." he insisted, speaking through gritted teeth.

"I may not know everything...but there is nothing beyond the Badlands." you retorted, your heart accelerating. You were well aware that the knife was still dragging across your cheek yet you were brave enough to let the words out. "This is the only ground left on earth. This...thing Pilgrim calls a safe haven, it doesn't exist. He's lying to you." You hissed, crying out when the blade pierced your skin slightly. "What do you think will happen when you're gone? He's using you, because he's nothing without your power." you continued. You could feel your face start to redden from the lack of oxygen "Just think about it." you whispered, his eyes staring dead into yours. You swallowed thickly, trying to turn your face away from the knife.

"He already found my replacement." The tone of his voice caused your expression to soften slightly. He seemed defeated, it was as if he knew his life was already over and the only thing he kept fighting for was his faith in this so called safe haven. You could tell his hands were shaking, and he was having a hard time holding himself up with his arms. A few more seconds passed by and the pressure on your throat loosened, allowing you to breathe somewhat properly again.

"I'm just trying to help." you continued in a much softer tone. "Your fever's getting worse, you won't make it if we let you go now. So please, let me help you."

Before any of you could move, you were interrupted by a shout of your name. Nathaniel and Minerva suddenly burst in the room and within just a few seconds Nathaniel had Castor on the floor with both hands around his neck.

"Nathaniel stop!" you managed to scream as you sat up and held your throat, trying to catch your breath. Nathaniel wouldn't let go, his grip on Castor tightening as he fought to free himself from his grip. You jumped from the bed, landing on the older man's back, trying to push him off the boy. "Enough!" you screamed. "Let go of him!"

"He was trying to kill you, Y/N !" Nathaniel retorted, finally letting go of him.

"I had everything under control!" you said as you helped Castor on his feet, letting him hold onto you for support. You glanced at him and had to fight back a gasp as you noticed his state.

"You're bleeding..." you said as you moved your hands to his cheek, lifting his face up to inspect the source of the bleeding. "Lay back down. Come on." He was shaking, a thin layer of sweat covering his forehead as he coughed. He reluctantly complied, laying back on the bed and wiping the blood off his nose.

As soon as the boy was laid back, the Widow placed a hand over your shoulder, turning you around so you could face her.

"Are you okay, did he hurt you?" she asked as she cupped your face, inspecting the small cut on your cheek, but you swiftly pushed her hand away.

"I'm fine."

"Y/N, you have to understand—"

"Look at him, for God's sake!" you suddenly yelled, startling everyone in the room. "Look at him, and tell me this boy currently has enough strength to actually hurt me." you spoke more calmly this time as you pointed to Castor. The single effort of holding himself up above you had drained him of his strength. He was breathing heavily with his eyes closed, his cheeks wet from both sweat and a few tears that had escaped the corner of his eyes. Minerva and Nathaniel were rendered speechless as they both stared at you, not knowing what to say. They didn't seem to understand why you were so invested in taking care of him, and to be completely honest, you didn't know either. There was just something about him that made you want to keep him safe.

You shook your head and scoffed before walking over to the bed and grabbing the wet cloth from the bowl, spreading it back over Castor's forehead.

The next day, you decided to pay him a visit early in the morning. You had woken up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep, your mind constantly going back to him. You had so many questions. What was this safe haven he told you about? Was there actually something beyond the Badlands? Why was the Gift so harmful to him if he was born with it? Your brain simply wouldn't shut off.

You greeted him politely as you opened the door to the small room, once again making sure to close it behind you.

"You can't keep me here forever." he said, not bothering with niceties. "Pilgrim will come for me. And when he does you won't live another day." the boy spat through gritted teeth, causing you to chuckle slightly. You ignored him.

"Did you get any sleep?" no answer. "I'm not your enemy, you know." you said, looking at him over your shoulder as you sterilized a needle. "I mean, technically, I am. But I really don't want to be."

"You knocked me out and kidnapped me."

"I also saved your life. And for the record, you punched me in the chest until I was left coughing blood on the floor. That makes us even." you continued. "Why don't you tell me your name?" you asked. Cressida had already mentioned his name but you wanted him to tell you himself, as a sign of trust. He didn't answer though, which caused you to sigh. "Well, I'm Y/N. If it weren't for me your head would be laying at Pilgrim's feet as we speak." he didn't say anything. Instead he pulled harder on the chains that were wrapped around his wrists and started to move around, trying to find a way to free himself.

"You're going to hurt yourself. You should save your strength." you said, flicking the needle before turning around and walking towards him. He fell back on the bed with a defeated sigh and gulped hard, his face contorting in what looked like worry. Or was it fear? You couldn't really tell. He closed his eyes, chest heaving up and down heavily. You frowned when you noticed his sudden change of demeanor. "Hey, hey. Calm down." you tried to bring him some comfort by placing your hand on his forehead, wanting to check his fever at the same time. He clenched his jaw but didn't complain. His forehead was still burning and you tried not to show your concern, not wanting to worry him more than he already was.

"What's in this?" he wondered, nodding towards the needle, the cracking of his voice destroying his attempt at sounding confident.

"Something I hope will help with your fever." your eyes met and you sighed. "Look— the chains weren't my idea. I was against it. But after what happened yesterday the Widow thought that keeping you chained would be safer for me. But I promise I have no intention of hurting you." you spoke. "I might even take them off, if you cooperate. I only want to help you get better." You stated matter of factly. Castor scanned your face in search of any indication that you might be lying, but all he saw was genuine concern. "Do you trust me?" you asked. He stayed silent for a moment before nodding slowly. He was in so much pain, he really had nothing to lose. You nodded your head back at him and moved, ready to stick the needling in his arm. "Ready?"

"Yes."

You smiled softly, trying your best to get him to relax as you prepared the injection site on his shoulder. Castor looked away and winced a little when the needle was inserted, but you were quick to pull it out after it was emptied, the medication being easily injected into his body.

"All done." you smiled as you held a compress on the area, wiping off the tiny spot of blood before throwing it away. "Now get some rest. It'll probably knock you out for a while."

"Wait." he interrupted as you were about to leave, causing you to turn to him.

"My name. It's Castor." you smiled.

"It's nice to meet you, Castor."

You came back everyday for the next several weeks, repeating the same process. You tended to his wounds and gave him the medicine he needed to ease the pain caused by the Gift. Castor was still reluctant at first, and it went like this for a couple more days until he warmed up to you and eventually trusted you fully.

It would be safe to say the two of you became close, much closer than either of you would have ever expected.

"Y/N, may I speak to you for a moment?" The Widow asked, peeking from the door to your room. You looked up from your book and nodded before motioning for her to come in. She noticed Azra's book in your hands and took a seat across from you. "Can you read it yet?"

"No. Nothing about this book makes sense." you sighed with a shrug, handing it to her. She nodded but didn't say anything. You raised an eyebrow, crossing your arms across your chest as you rested your back on the head of your bed. "I suppose this isn't the main purpose of your visit."

"You know Castor won't stay here forever, do you?" she told you.

"I know. Why?"

"You won't see him again once he's gone." she insisted. You sighed softly, rubbing your face with your hands.

"I know that too, Mother."

"I'm not blind to the feelings you have for each other. But I need to make sure you know this thing you two have going on can't and won't last forever." she spoke softly, reaching to take your hand in hers. You nodded and gave her a small smile. There was no point avoiding the topic or lying about it.

Castor's recovery was going great, you even started to believe he was close to being completely healed.

But that was until his fever suddenly spiked.

You didn't know how or why it happened so suddenly. One day he was completely fine, the next he was laying almost unconscious on the bed, his breathing uneven as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

"Y/N...I don't think there's anything else we can do for him." Tilda spoke softly, her hand resting on your shoulder comfortingly.

"Yes. Yes we can. We need to bring a doctor, they'll know what to do. This is what we should've done since the beginning." you spoke firmly, applying a cold cloth on his forehead, your own breathing becoming uneven as your anxiety grew.

Castor whined and mumbled something unintelligible as more tears fell down his cheeks. He slowly moved his head to the side, his tired eyes meeting yours, silently begging you to make the pain go away.

"You're gonna be okay. I'm right here." you cupped his cheek with your hand, your thumb brushing it softly as you looked back at him, a tear escaping your eye.

"Quinn murdered our only doctor, Y/N. You know that."

"Then bring the doctor's daughter! She'll know what to do." you looked over your shoulder. "Tilda, please, I can't...—" you inhaled deeply, closing your eyes as you spoke. "I can't lose him. Okay?" you admitted in a whisper.

Silence fell in the room, only the sound of Castor's breathing filling it.

"Y/N...I really don't think that's a good idea." Tilda watched you with a pained expression. At those words you tried to keep more tears at bay, but your efforts were vain.

Tilda knew how close the both of you had grown, but most importantly she knew you had already lost way too many people in your life. With a small sigh, she eventually took her final decision before exiting the room.

"I'll see what I can do."

[Time skip : two weeks]

As soon as Tilda walked in the room you rushed to her and wrapped your arms around her neck, hugging her tight. She had done everything in her power to get Castor the help he needed, persuading the Window to get in contact with Veil. Both women had a long discussion about it and The Widow had to do a lot of convincing but thankfully, Veil agreed on offering her help.

After days of intense treatment and sleepless nights, Castor was finally out of danger.

"Thank you. Thank you so much for doing this." you whispered, holding her close.

"You're welcome, Y/N. I'm glad he's okay." you smiled at her, nodding before pulling away to give Veil the same grateful embrace.

"Thank you, Veil. I owe you."

"It's nothing. You did a great job at keeping him alive yourself. He probably wouldn't have made it this far without the medicine you gave him." she pulled back and looked over to the sleeping boy next to you. You smiled and nodded slowly, thanking her one last time and bidding her farewell as she left. Tilda followed, leaving you alone with Castor.

You sat on the chair next to his bed and took his hand into yours, holding it while you waited for him to wake up, which he did after about 10 minutes.

"Hey." you smiled, reaching over to cup his cheek, softly stroking his scars. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." he mumbled as he tried to sit up, wincing as he did. His head was still hurting from the heavy medication.

"Hey, easy." you placed a hand on his chest, easing him back down. Castor groaned, eyes closing as his head fell back against the pillow. Moving from your sitting position, you poured him a glass of water and then returned to his side. "Here."

Taking the glass from you, he only took a few sips before already giving it back. After that, a small silence settled between you two.

"Are you sure you're okay?" you murmured. He didn't answer immediately, seemingly deep in thoughts.

"Why are you so good to me, Y/N? When I first got here, you never tried to get revenge for what I did to you. You've always been here for me, taking care of me when I never did anything to deserve half of it. Why?" you smiled, looking down at your hands.

"Because I believe you're not like Pilgrim." You stared at each other in silence for a couple seconds.

"He took care of me when no one else would. He's a good person, Y/N."

At that you chose not to answer, not wanting this to grow into an argument since Castor was always quite defensive when it came to Pilgrim. Instead you just smiled and squeezed his hand, letting him know that he would always have you.

And before you knew it, it was time to let him go.

Sitting by the window, you watched as everyone got ready for Pilgrim's arrival.

"Are you okay?" a voice interrupted your thoughts. Nodding, you quickly wiped your wet cheeks and put on a smile, holding your arms close to yourself.

"Yeah."

Castor smiled sympathetically as he took a step closer, crouching in front of you to try and meet your gaze. He was doing much better than the past weeks. His skin had regained its normal color, his eyes were brighter than you'd seen them before. And after a long, exhausting fight, his fever was gone for good, and he was ready to be sent back where he belonged. You lowered your head, only for him to tenderly lift your chin.

"As soon as we find Azra..." he started, intertwining his fingers with yours. "I'll come back for you."

"Castor..."

"I know. I know you think there's no safe haven. But I promise you it's worth believing in."

"Cas...even if you do find Azra, Pilgrim will never let me through. I've never had faith in it, and I still don't. We're supposed to be enemies." you gave him a sad smile, reaching out to brush your thumb over his cheek.

"I'll find a way. You're my family now, Y/N."

You ran a hand through his hair, leaning in to press a lingering kiss to his forehead and nodding against it. Your eyes were tightly shut, a couple tears falling freely.

"Castor, Y/N..." the Widow's voice interrupted. "It's time."

You felt Castor's hand brush against yours as you walked side by side, then your fingers intertwined. The two of you walked close to each other, making sure no one could see them.

With one last squeeze, he let go of your hand and walked over to Pilgrim. The older man pulled him into a fatherly embrace, his face filled with relief and gratefulness before pulling away.

"Thank you for taking care of my son and bringing him back to me." Pilgrim spoke, looking at you then the Widow. You nodded politely before glancing over to Castor who was now greeting his sister, Nix. You had to fight back tears as your eyes met one last time. You nodded at him with a bittersweet smile before turning on your heels and walking away.

6 months later

It was the third time in three weeks that the Sanctuary had been attacked. You were still completely clueless as to who you were fighting against, but after so many attacks in such a short amount of time they sure had something against the Widow. It was something you were used to though, and you considered yourself lucky that other clans were here to help because without them most of your people would've been dead by now. The losses were heavy this time, though. The enemy had great advantage over you and a dozen of your people along with those from the helping clans had been killed or badly injured.

You were gathering the bodies when you were startled by a familiar voice coming from behind you, causing you to still. You waited an instant before turning around, your eyes searching for the source.

And then you saw him.

"Castor." you breathed out, a smile spreading over your lips as you made your way to him. As soon as you made eye contact you lunged forward, dropping what you were doing and throwing your arms around his neck with a relieved laugh. Castor's arms immediately found their way around your waist wrapping tightly around you as he pulled you close. You pulled back slightly to look into his eyes, your thumb rubbing underneath his eyes and down his cheek, tracing his scars with your fingertips.

"What are you doing here? Why— Why didn't you come back sooner?" you asked in a bittersweet tone.

Your questions were left unanswered as he pressed his lips against yours, his hands immediately moving to cup your face. You were taken aback at first but eventually you gave in, closing your eyes. You lips comfortably moved in sync, allowing the kiss to last for a moment. Now was probably not the best time for this to happen, but you couldn't care less.

"He killed Nix." he murmured after parting from the kiss.

"What?"

"Pilgrim. He killed her." your hand rested on his cheek, stroking it soothingly. He was on the verge of tears, fighting hard to stop them from falling. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, your eyes searching for his. So many questions were running through your head. Why did Pilgrim kill Nix? She was like a daughter to him. Did she betray him? Did Castor come back here to find shelter? However you knew the wound was too fresh for you to start asking questions as his eyes betrayed the pain he was trying to hide.

You looked around yourself to see if anyone needed help, but it seemed like everything was being handled. You locked eyes with the Widow from afar and you exchanged a nod.

"Follow me." you grabbed Castor's hand and led him inside the Sanctuary, locking yourself in a room. As soon as you were away from the chaos you pulled him in for a proper hug, taking a deep breath of relief as you held him close to yourself.

"I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too." he murmured, his eyes closing for a moment as he tightened his hold around your waist and finally allowed himself to cry. "You were right about everything." he chuckled sadly, causing you to pull away. "Azra was nothing but a made up lie. If it ever existed, it doesn't anymore. It was wiped out with the Old World." you nodded understandingly before leaning over to press a lingering kiss to his cheek.

"It's not your fault Cas. You couldn't know."

"No, but I could've listened to you."

You smiled sympathetically, caressing his cheeks gently with your thumbs.

"You trusted Pilgrim. He was your family, I wouldn't have expected you to choose me over him." you whispered.

Then a comfortable silence settled between the two of you. Nothing more needed to be said, not yet, you were both happy to have found each other again.

"Have you found another Baron?"

"No, i'm on my own. Nix and I were still looking for one when..." he paused.

"It's okay." you interrupted, cradling his face in your hands and pressing your forehead against his. "You don't have to explain." he nodded, closing his eyes. "You're safe with me now. I promise."

#blueeyeddean

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emma-what-son · 4 years ago

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(Echee post) Emma Watson has stalkers and a bodyguard

Posted on March 23 2014

From dailymail.co.uk March 2014, "Harry Potter star Emma Watson has hired a former NYPD officer as a bodyguard to protect her from obsessed stalkers. The actress – thought to be worth £23 million – is believed to be paying the female officer £90,000 a year after a number of incidents of threatening behaviour towards her. The latest came as Emma, 23, right, was working on her new movie Noah, when an over-zealous ‘fan’ duped studio security staff and got on to the set. Emma, was left screaming, believing she was in danger, and filming had to stop. The British actress, who played Hermione Granger in the Potter films, is now constantly shadowed by blonde former New York Police Department officer Denise Morrone. A source said: ‘The one person Emma is never without is Denise. 'Emma has had problems with stalkers in the past and, because of her wealth, there is always the threat of kidnap. 'She pays for her bodyguard out of her own pocket and Denise accompanies her everywhere, even when Emma is out for dinner. Denise is always there, making sure she is safe.’ Another source said: ‘Denise is on high alert for one particular stalker who tracked Emma down on the set of her latest film. ‘She is very discreet and very good at her job. She is always there looking after Emma, but you wouldn’t know. ‘She makes sure Emma has plenty of space and freedom. If they are at dinner, Denise is part of the gathering, but is always on duty.’ The new arrangement marks a departure for Emma, who has seemed determined to try to live a low-key, normal private life unencumbered by a security detail. Post-Potter she went to Brown University in Rhode Island, New England, and Worcester College, Oxford, to study for a degree. When she has appeared in public she has had no visible entourage. A spokesman for Miss Watson, who has homes in London and New York, declined to comment." ^That's what the dailymail says but here below is what Emma said at the time.

From fansshare.com October 2012, "There was a lot of fuss made recently about the fact that a man who has been stalking Emma Watson managed to get onto her set before being chased off into the woods. It was claimed that Emma was terrified by the incident and feared for her safety. However, it appears that the claims were not true, as Emma has spoken out about the “incident” stating that nothing of the sort happened. Emma felt that she needed to let everybody know what’s what and hoped to clear up any confusion about the stalker situation. Watson took to her official Twitter account to say, “Ok. Few things to clear up. I was not terrified by a stalker in the woods. And he was not fought off by martial arts experts.#whowrotethisstory”. I don't get this DM article because Emma has had this bodyguard for ten years. I think this might be a great big dose of media sensationalism or maybe a planted story so everyone will go, "Aww poor Emma" because she has said some really dumb things lately. I've seen photos of Denise (the older blonde lady we always see her with) with Emma as far back as 2005 Here they are outside the Regis and Kelly show (USA) in 2005 and to the right currently in 2014

^She still looks 15 doesn't she? I've seen one or two candids of Denise with Emma at Brown. I've read an article from a Brown website (thank anonymous for tipping me off) where they were talking about her bodyguards on campus that followed her around. Here's Emma, some guy and Denise at Brown in the fall of 2010 (I can't find the others)

Here she is talking about stalkers in her GQ interview from last year From gq-magazine.co.uk May 2013, "Did you have stalkers? 'Yes. I do have people who show up from time to time in different parts of the world. I've never really known how to respond; I've never really known if I should be afraid or not. This is how I put it into perspective: thousands of women all over the world have to deal with feeling afraid when they walk home from the Tube, on their way to work, when they go out for a drink. Feeling not safe isn't something that is singular to me or my experience as a woman, and I don't think any of these people mean me any harm. They just tend to be people caught up, who don't really realise what they are doing, and I think it is very important that I don't allow it to isolate me further, to be another reason why I shouldn't go out and meet people or walk down the street. Weird guys sometimes take it too far, and that is it. I just keep a friend with me. I don't have a full-time security guard or anything like that. Even at university I went everywhere completely alone, which looking back was probably a pretty ambitious thing that I tried to do there, but somehow I got away with it. There were times when I did feel stressed and anxious and could probably have done with a bit more support. At the same time I would rather make my own mistakes and learn what I need. I think it is so easy when you get famous to just disengage from having a life and that can make some things really dangerous.'" Remember she told rookie magazine she used to lie about walking to places but had a car waiting for her? She was trying to make it seem she has this normal life. I reckon this could be another little white lie about not having a full-time guard because we've seen Denise with her for years. She's the woman that pushes people away and pulls her from signing autographs and even refuses people. How about other instances like Glastonbury where that big muscular man tailed her everywhere. At airports when Denise is not there she has men which looks to be bodyguards to me. When she went to the Box Night Club she had a bodyguard. They're rare shots because most candids are just of Emma and Denise or Emma and a friend or boyfriend. You really think Emma travels alone? For example

Last photo from 2011: Check this out and seethe altercation You rarely catch her bodyguards photographed other than Denise who looks more than just a bodyguard. I think she's more like a bodyguard/assistant. I bet they are always around but you wouldn't know it. I'd go as far as saying they probably follow her from a distance to make it seem like she's really by herself. Here's something she said in 2009 and it was really stupid From wonderwall.msn.com July 2009 (interview with Dan, Rupert and Emma. she started brown in Sept 09) In this film, Ron has sort of a stalker girlfriend. Has it ever gotten strange where you're dating people who are more interested in dating Harry, Ron or Hermione rather than yourselves? Emma Watson: "I'm dating my stalker, actually." It's dumb to even give a stalker the time or day in a magazine discussing them. It will probably embolden them by fueling whatever twisted fantasies they have in their head. If it were me I would not even mention it. In 2010 she said this From digitalspy.com November 2010, "Emma Watson has revealed that she and her Harry Potter co-stars Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint used to hide from their security guards. The actress admitted that she "hates" having bodyguards and prefers to deal with the attention she receives on her own. Watson explained: "I hate having bodyguards and when we were younger, Dan, Rupert and I used to try to hide from the people trying to keep an eye on us." The 20-year-old went on to say that she now feels comfortable traveling on public transport by herself. She added: "Now it's like, 'Really, I'm fine'. I take the train and the bus and, if I don't dress up too much, I'm usually fine. Occasionally people stop me but I'd rather deal with that than not go out at all. That'd be really tragic." In her most recent interview for Elle she said this From snitchseeker.com March 2014, “So while Radcliffe reportedly rarely leaves his house without a bodyguard, Watson memorably began her college career by moving into the freshman dorm-the very definition of exposed. She lopped off her hair, appeared in a student production of Chekhov. There were moment, she says, when she thought, “I don’t know if I can do this. Or if this is sensible anymore.” But she held firm, turning down high-profile work that would interfere with her studies. “I just don’t want a life where I can’t have a life, “she says. “And so I’ve been just unbelievably stubborn about it.” ^Peculiar and then this article comes out about her hired bodyguard. Could it have been Radcliffe's people saying, "Hey, wait a minute" and then ratted Emma out? That last quote, the newer one, is of course a total contradiction from what she said about Brown before. I don't know it's that's the truth or this is some rouse to plant the idea she was heckled out of college life. I don't know but one thing is for sure I don't believe most of what comes out of this girls mouth. I'm like those towns people that had it with the games of the little boy that cried wolf. As for the stalking it's the only thing I'll give her sympathy for. I think it would suck. If it's an over zealous stan or a weirdo I don't think it's cool. If you like or even dislike her there are still lines you should never cross and that includes invading her space. She's just one fake ass actress that lives in her own head that plays make believe and makes millions off it. Then of course she complains about it and manipulates the media and her fan base to cover up "the real Emma Watson". She's a prettily weaved illusion designed to trick you. There is no such thing as the perfect person and just because she is pretty it does not make her perfect girlfriend material. Stans and weirdos please understand this.

#echee #echee's post

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cards-onthetable · 6 years ago

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I know a couple of weeks ago you posted about Jamie's less than stellar CPR performance (I remember an interview Will did where he was saying that the police and EMT technical advisors they had on the show gave him conflicting instructions on how to do it, and that he had to go with the police advisor because that's what his character would know) and I was wondering if you could give us step by step instructions on how to do it properly. {I've reached word limit so stand by for part 2.}

{Part 2} I know CPR is different for adults, kids and babies. I know you do it to ‘Staying Alive’. The placement for it is between the nipples (I think). That for babies, and possibly kids, you don’t use both hands. Other than that, that’s about it. // Also, I think you said that you were a ped. nurse, and I was wondering about the validity of some old wives tales (I know not all of them are true but some have to be). Two that I’ve heard is not to raise your arms above you head …{Go to part 3}

{Part 3} it has something to do with the cord wrapping itself around the baby’s throat, and the other one is to not eat onions (maybe garlic as well) because it can cause the breast milk sour and the baby won’t nurse. I’ve also heard to never name your baby girl Arbordella because if you do then she’ll die - and despite knowing that that one is an old wives tale, my mother does know of women who have lost infants after giving them the name. Sorry for the long ask, I thought it would fit in one.

***LOL this ask is amazingggg 👍👍😂

CPR never looks real on TV, so there’s that. I’ve never heard of that interview but it sounds pretty dumb because cops and EMTs take the same CPR class so lol Will shouldn’t have gotten conflicting information from those two sources. But basically, CPR on an adult is hard work. Like a serious cardio workout. Like out of breath and sweaty. I haven’t done CPR on an adult since my EMT days but it feels something like this…

…aka absolutely nothing like Jamie Reagan yelling “come on, breathe!” with his dumb floppy elbows and wrists flying everywhere like he’s goddamn Michael Jackson. Lol I tried to capture a screenshot and this is the best I could do

but it doesn’t really capture the poor form so you should just watch the scene. But check out how his arms are all loose and weird. It takes a ton of force to properly perform CPR on an adult so those elbows better be locked and wrists rigid to push down on the center of the chest with the heels of the hands.

This is why CPR doesn’t ever look real on TV… you can’t really “fake” good CPR, but you can sure as hell do a better job than this lol. Pro tip: good fake CPR is all in the shoulders!

Because babies and children have smaller chests and softer bones, you don’t need as much force to do proper CPR. I still think it’s easier to use two hands on a child for better ~control~ of your own body movement but you don’t push as hard. For babies you may be taught to use two fingers or to wrap your hands around the baby’s rib cage and use both thumbs together, as in

Many NICU nurses, including me, prefer the two-thumb method because if you’re just using one hand, you’ll get knocked around by all the other activity going on (if a neonate codes, there are like 6+ people at the bedside all working on the baby - respiratory, starting lines, giving meds, etc) and it’s chaos and that’s a ton of hands around a very tiny body so you won’t give effective compressions. Nobody’s making any extra noise cheering for the baby to breathe or any of that Jamie Reagan bullshit. You’re just performing your role on the code team, communicating as necessary, and crossing your fingers that it’ll end well this time.

LOL THAT PROBABLY WASN’T WHAT YOU WANTED BUT ANYWAY. Re: your other questions. A pregnant mom’s movement doesn’t affect the baby’s umbilical cord placement at all. The “don’t put your arms above your head” thing is bullshit. The baby’s movement in the uterus is what causes a nuchal cord. The one known ~risk factor~ I can think of is polyamniohydrosis (excess amounts of amniotic fluid) because well, it allows the baby to move more and tangle up in the cord.

Breastmilk is affected by basically everything the mother eats. There’s no hard and fast rule that breastfeeding moms should avoid onions/garlic/spicy food etc. Babies have different tastes and/or sensitivities so it may be appropriate to cut certain things out, but it’s all pretty individualized. The more foods you tell a mom to avoid, the more likely she is to just quit breastfeeding. So to ~encourage breastfeeding success~ we don’t really ask moms to give up anything without specific reason to. If anything moms can eat what they want and then pump-and-dump if it was a meal they know the baby won’t like. Dairy is a common issue for babies though so some moms do end up cutting dairy out completely while nursing.

Arbordella? What kind of name is Arbordella?

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fictionerd · 6 years ago

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Chapter One: Out of Time Entry #3

“Grief is a powerful Motivator” - Rose

---Last Seed, 18th, 4E 201--- Well, the petty larceny went off without a hitch. I figure this "Brand Shei" fellow will be out of a cell by tomorrow morning once bureaucracy grinds itself out. Of course maybe the legal system has become draconian while I slept.

Speaking of sleep. I'd best get used to sleeping in the afternoons. Limit the time I spend in the sun until I find a workaround for that particular weakness.

I know the way I'v e been writing about this makes me seem flippant about the situation. I'm really not. It's eating away at the back of my mind, what I did to Grelod. The way it felt was- I don't really want to talk about it. If it had been traumatic that would be one thing. The problem is that the experience really wasn't. I guess that's the point. Who'd want to continue to live as a vampire if feeding scarred them mentally and emotionally?

Anyway. To bed I suppose. T'is good for mine complexion. Wouldn't want to burn my lovely skin.

Nope. It didn't make me feel better.

>I find myself facing a dilemma. Brynjolf offered to let me join his "organization". I'm one-hundred percent certain he means the thieves guild.

My dilemma is this: Being what I am it'd be a good idea to learn Skyrim's underground. I hold no illusions that I'll be able to indefinitely lead an above-board life. There will likely be times and reasons I need to duck out fo sight.

On the other hand: Sleighting a ring from some one's strongbox into some one else's pocket almost as a prank is one thing. I'm actively considering becoming a thief. I don't have a moral problem with the idea per se, but I'm uncertain if that's a road I want to travel.

Are the risks worth it? I just don't know.

I suppose I'll put the decision on hold. I should probably head back toward Windhelm and let Aretino know Grelod is dead. I may not have intended to fulfill his contract, but since it's done he may as well know so he can return to his friends here.

---Last Seed, 19th, 4E 201--- I fed again. As I was heading out to collect a bounty I felt the hunger start to grow again. Not wanting to go back to the starved state I awoke in I took full advantage when I found the bandit leader asleep in Nilheim. I could have stopped short of killing him, but since I was there to take his head anyway I allowed myself to indulge once more.

I need to not make a habit of that if I can help it. At some point restraint is going to be necessary. I can hear my mother in my head now.

"People live so that they can indulge themselves. The trick is learning when and when not to let yourself go."

>I've sat staring at this page for five minutes. I just remembered a detail about my childhood. I remembered my mother even for a brief moment. I remembered her face.

[Tear stains can be seen on the page]

Are my memories returning as I feed? Or is something else causing them to return?

> I slept fairly peacefully after my last entry. I face another evening now. Night stretches out before me. I've been in Riften two or three days now and no one has come to drag me off to prison so I guess I'm good to go. I'll head up to Windhelm tonight to give my report to Aretino.

I could buy a horse, but I think I'll stick to carriages for the moment. It just feels better to have human company whenever I can.

>I sit now recording this in Candlehearth hall. I arrived in Windhelm after some winding road travel north. It didn't take long all things considered, and the carriage driver was good company. Aretino was beyond pleased that I'd completed his request. I actually sat and talked with the boy for a little bit afterward. He told me he wanted to be an assassin when he grew up so he could help all kinds of kids just like me.

I thought that was precious. I know that most people wouldn't feel that way, but to me that sentiment was cute. Cute and oddly nostalgic. Did I want to be an assassin when I was younger? I think I did. Really the muscle memory I possess for fighting and the spells I could remember when I woke up seem to support the idea.

I had to have trained with very specific instruction to learn how to sneak around with several pounds of steel strapped to my back in the form of a honkin greatsword. Maybe the answers I'm looking for about my past will lie with the Dark Brotherhood?

It was mention of them that drew me to Aretino in the first place. The thought has merit. Unfortunately I don't have the slightest clue how to go about finding the brotherhood so I'll just keep trudging for now.

Getting familiar with Skyrim's underground just got a lot more appealing though.

---Last Seed, 20th, 4E 201--- I did not expect to enter the Windhelm hall of the dead of my own free will. At least not anytime soon.

After my last entry I decided to have a walk around the city, take in the night air, that sort of thing. I happened to be walking through the graveyard when I come upon the site of a murder. The victim was Susanna the Wicked from Candlehearth. I remember her from the night I first woke up. She actually flirted with me a little bit. I recall thinking that was a tad strange. Not unwelcome just strange.

Now she's dead, and unlike me she's not getting back up again without some necromantic assistance. So I decided to investigate. Got permission from the Jarl's steward and everything. I'm officially investigating a murder. Isn't that ironic?

The lady in charge of the Hall of the Dead only noted that the wounds seemed to have been inflicted with embalming tools. Specifically ancient nordic ones. I'd say that safely rules out most of the city's populace as the culprit. Now to find out the scholarly and eccentric types and narrow it down to one from there. Unless we're dealing with a secret cabal of killers all united by their love of embalming implements.

Helgird, the lady in charge here, looked at me funny because I giggled as that last thought crossed my mind. I think I'm developing a morbid sense of humor. Best get back out into the cold and track down my next lead. Shouldn't be any trouble. I've become very good at following blood trails recently.

>Suspicious, old, locked mansion? I do believe we have found ourselves a killer's lair. Wonder what the going rate in town is? I might need one in the forseeable future after all.

>Bingo! A journal discussing the exquisite nature of Susanna's tendons? Amid rablings about sources for flesh, blood, and other such things? Looks like I'm definitely on the right track. Let's see what else I find.

>Now THIS is interesting. A strange amulet found among a pile of these "Beware the Butcher" papers. Seems the killer has been tearing these down. Bad idea if you ask me. They're sort of asking to be caught doing something like that. What's their excuse for it? I doubt it'd stand up to scrutiny.

>And that's a necromantic ritual sight hidden behind a false cupboard. Shit. What have I gotten into here?

>Spoke to the steward about the clues I found in the spooky old mansion. He referred me to a "Viola Giordano" for the Butcher pamphlets and "Calixto" for the amulet. Let's get cracking we have a murder to solve and the sun's coming up.

>Spoke to Giordano about the Butcher's journals. She suspects a fellow by the monicker "Wuunferth the Unliving". If you ask me that's a bit too on-the-nose.

>All roads lead to Wuunferth it seems. According to Callixto the amulet is "The Wheelstone". It's a piece belonging to the court wizard of Windhelm. That'd be our boy the Unliving. I don't like Calixto though. He offered to buy the amulet off me. Ceremonial or not that doesn't seem like a good idea. Especially if the piece is as well-known as his attitude seemed to imply.

I could go to the steward with all this, but I believe I'll talk to Wuunferth directly. If he IS the killer and tries to make a move I'm confident five feet of steel will be enough to dissuade him. Especially at close quarters.

>The Necromancer's Amulet, eh? I think I'm going to go sell this to Calixto after all. Unless I miss my guess it'll be back in my hands again by midnight.

Needless to say my encounter with Wuunferth went well. He's an agreeable old chap in his own way. If he turns out to have set me up it's going to be a real let-down. I don't think he is though. Call it instinct. He has the air of a predator, or at the very least a formiddable presence. He doesn't strike me as a giggling maniac mumbling about flesh magic and killing young girls for spare parts.

>He wasn't home. Too bad. Well I guess I'll have a meal (a normal one) at Candlehearth and sleep the day away. Tonight I catch me a killer.

>And so Calixto, the Butcher, is laid low. I suppose any future reader of this journal will wonder how it is I knew Calixto was my man. Well it's quite simple, really. The idiot was displaying a set of the embalming tools he used to dismember the young women he killed right in plain sight in his little museum.

If Helgird had been the culprit she wouldn't have clued me in about the tools. If Wuunferth had been the killer why would he set me loose to patrol the city rather than quietly be rid of me while we were alone in his study?

All that being said I still wasn't absolutely certain. So I did patrol the city and spotted Calixto in the market as he drew steel to kill someone. I cast a Fury spell on him drawing his attention away long enough for his intended victim and a newly-arrived guard to fall on him. I may have also helped a bit. Now he lies dead in the snow and I feel satisfied with my work here.

Checked his little museum over after he died. Found his last journal. Seems he was trying to resurrect his sister. That's a motivation I can understand. I don't agree with it. Especially since he was building her a patchwork body of about ten or so people, but I get it. Grief is a powerful motivator. Let's hope it doesn't sink its claws into me.

#Skyrim #Character Journal #Take Notes! Mod

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babaleshy · 3 years ago

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Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!

#rant #ramble #vent #I wanna move so bad but can't

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