#i've never really explained my writing process before in this depth so... I hope it makes sense!

[wetcatspellcaster]

Metapost: "The Ascendent"

**this is a meta for my fic, Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth, and NOT a discussion of the BG3 game canon in any way. If you try and make this into a disk-horse, I will BITE you**

(spoilers under the cut for Chapters 1-23 of Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth).

So... remember in the Chapter One endnote when I said I was a Spike/Buffy fan first, and a person second? x

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In more seriousness, there was a number of fictional seasonings/ingredients that went into creating what I felt was the villain of a Gothic horror, and what I felt could turn the Ascendent into something that was both 'fixable', and something I enjoyed writing.

Those ingredients were:

Spike and the idea of 'soulless' vampires in the BtVS canon - do I like this conceit of BtVS worldbuilding and how it's used in the show? No. I think it often underlines how bad Whedon is at writing romance. BUT I do think it gives Buffy this free pass for which vampires she can/can't like or adopt, and I needed some of that for my protagonist. I need a 'I can fix him' moment - BtVS has those in fucking SPADES.

Howl's Moving Castle (this one was accidental, I'm still mad at myself but I can't deny it's there) - man conducts magic ritual for power, removing an essential part of himself in the process that needs to be returned

Picture of Dorian Gray (the idea of an exterior staying pristine while something hidden suffers and decays)

Curse of Strahd (the soulless in Barovia, which I mentioned in Chapter 23)

The idea of default moral alignments in D&D. I have a whole chapter arguing against this in my thesis (mostly bc it's often applied to entire races) but I was fascinated by creating a set of circumstances where I feel like a default moral alignment is valid, actually. 7,000 deaths seems like a good set up. I wanted to imagine a being that was trapped within a default moral alignment, and the laws of its very being prevent it from being good no matter what it tries, and it knows that (this kind of creates a feedback loop with the Spike/Buffy stuff)

The parts of the BG3 canon I took and REMADE (I'm stressing this throughout, I was making a horror story and a horror monster your honour):

Astarion conducts the Rite of Profane Ascension with scars on his back, but has to scar Cazador's back personally, suggesting that um... the Rite REALLY SHOULDN'T BE CONDUCTED BY SOMEONE WHO'S GOT THOSE SCARS. Cazador wasn't going to do it that way, is all I'm saying!!

The idea that Ascended!Ending Astarion is a concentrated version of certain traits that have persisted throughout his story - his flirtiness, his understanding of sex as a mechanism and expression of power, his use of a façade as a mask for trauma he refuses to acknowledge.

The lines alluding to dissociation in the brothel foursome, post-Ascension.

The idea that Astarion seduced Tav to survive or protect himself- in my case, because I made the Ascendent empty save for Astarion's survival instinct, the idea that he would gravitate towards Tav as one of his default modes to potentially survive made sense to me - this is why it becomes an obsession.

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For me, when writing, the Ascendent is a few things:

An intensification of vampirism in a different, fucked-up direction. Yeah, A!Astarion, you can walk in sunlight and you can eat and drink and don't need blood. But you are still a hungering maw of emptiness that feels like it will never be whole or close and connected to the living - just now in a wildly different, metaphysical/existential direction! Welcome to depression, alienation, and otherness!

A soulless being, that knows it is soulless - that initially was very happy with its life but then as the years passed, increasingly spends its every waking moment knowing there is something innately wrong with it that it can't seem to shake, no matter how much it engages with life and all the pleasures of life. (see the 'every meal without savour' speech)

A magically literal metaphor for Astarion's dissociation in moments of extreme trauma, up to and including the fight with Cazador - essentially, the moments when there is nothing but a performance or an exterior, because the self/soul are suffering and they cant' come to phone right now

Astarion's survival instinct. As I say in Chapter 23 - Mephistopheles thinks it is an empty body, who's performance is trying to deny the reality of it's own existence. Rosalie, who has a bit more understanding of Astarion, sees that the performance is not just a coping mechanism but one of Astarion's main modes of survival. The Ascendent is Astarion's survival instinct/techniques for endurance, without any soul or person behind them to protect. This is how I tried to tie in the flirty, hypersexual persona and wrap it with a bow.

I wanted a monster that was undeniably scary, and monstrous to me (oh? you can't fit in or be happy no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, and you think there's something intrinsically off? how's that autism diagnosis going Emma) but that I also felt sympathy and true sorrow for. I needed to have motivations for him chasing after Tav that I could write meaningfully from and sympathise with.

Not only has Astarion used Tav as a life-raft once before, they've also proven to be the most secure thing he's ever clung to. Of course a rabid survival instinct Astarion would become obsessed, and see them as a potential solution to the problem (this was then intensified by Rosalie also being a walking, overbearing moral compass, and having bound him in a contract in the first week of living, accidentally - a lawful good immoveable objects meets a default moral alignment unstoppable force.)

...Because I also wanted that moral alignment spice!! Wizards of the Coast, default moral alignment is fucked up actually!!! Imagine something trying so desperately to be good - literally being bound in a pact and having been told to be good - but the laws of the universe and its very essence are like "nah mate, we kind of want to destroy and annihilate everything, we're neutral evil personified". That's scary!! that's fucked up!! that's what a birth from 7000 deaths gets you!!!

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So, now for the actual timeline, for people who aren't interested in my silly musings but mostly just want answers lmfao.

Rosalie makes the decision not to intervene in Cazador's mansion, making it seem like she'll support whatever decision Astarion will make there.

Rite of Profane Ascension happens. Astarion conducts the ritual, rips his own soul from his body, the Ascendent is born with literally zero context. Mephistopheles is fucked in Cania, because a bunch of stuff has just gone wrong.

(oh, by the way, the Ascendent knows Infernal as a default language. Bc it's born from an Infernal rite.)

The Ascendent is now default neutral evil, and feeling some kind of way. Rosalie and him break up. He's supposed to have everything, but the one thing he thought was a done deal - his most stalwart suppporter - just rejected him.

Netherbrain defeat (the Ascendent is not invited. Imagine being an all-powerful, hypersexual survival instinct vampire, and your ex-girlfriend neither wants you for sex, nor your power.)

Rosalie accidentally binds the Ascendent (a soulless devil) in a pact demanding that he never kill anyone, when that's literally what the Ascendent's new existence/new default moral alignment is driving him to do. Then, she fucks off and goes into hiding.

Well. The Ascendent can just get another wizard, to help him learn all of Cazador's secrets to cope [Hemlock is recruited].

The years go by! The Ascendent is doing sooooo well. Everything is great, guys! I'm rich, I'm beautiful, I have lavish parties and lots of sex - why do I feel nothing? I'm a vampire perfected - I have no hunger for blood, I can walk in the sun, I can enjoy all the freedoms of a living, breathing man - why do I feel like I'm starving? Why does everything turn to ashes in my mouth? I have friends - oops, I've sabotaged all those friendships with my innate neutral evil destruction. Why can't I feel anything? What's wrong with me? I'm doing everything right? Why doesn't it feel that way?

Also, I can't kill anything to feel better about it, because my hidden ex-girlfriend bound me in a pact.

In this time, to reflect the gradual degradation of the Ascendent's happiness and it's increasing awareness that it is something Other and innately wrong, the reflection starts going weird. Starts going strange. Starts getting a bit fucked up. Almost as if, when he looks in the mirror and sees a person, *nothing* should be what's there. Imagine being a spawn who couldn't see your reflection, and then a vampire who could see it's reflection, but knows that they're innately empty. Knows there's nothing there. I'd freak out a little bit about it as well tbh, I'd go a bit tooth and claw and elongated jaw about it.

The Ascendent finally admits that's there must be something kinda fucked about it. Life just ain't working out, lads. He starts looking for any and all impossible cures that will help with the malaise in his soul (and that innate essence problem, caused by default moral alignment). These include: more bad decisions, such as a house in Cania bc the Ascendent is hoping he'll feel more at home with devils than he does with mortals. All it does is make him feel more isolated and alone.

But eventually, he settles on two things! - Wish (Hemlock's idea), and Rosalie (the Ascendent's idea). Clearly, we just need Rosalie back! Her leaving is actually what fucked him up in the first place - none of this existential bullshit! She fixed us one, she can fix us again.

But looking for Rosalie hasn't worked out. In order to get a shot at her, the Ascendent goes and bargains for his own soul from Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles, adding a new sheet in excel titled 'what the fuck happens when i give this soulless monster a soul to play with?', agrees and starts tracking his new data.

Obviously, just putting the soul back in yourself will fix you. But the Ascendent, the nothingness living inside Astarion's body, will die. Taking the soul back would erase itself. The Ascendent - who is survival instinct personified - would never do this.

So instead, it starts interviewing and cannibalising the soul. Bc a soul is what it needs, this is the closest it's ever felt to being alive. Bc it's made this all about Rosalie, he thinks he's found his solution. The chase is making him feel alive again. It's true love, lads! not the soul.

Wish auction happens - the Ascendent is beaten to the punch by some unknown (hot) wizard.

This avenue cut off, the Ascendent makes the decision to try and win Rosalie back.

Astarion advises that to make her come back to the Gate, he should murder a bunch of people. Because this comes from the soul, not the soulless devil nothingness, it circumvents the pact.

...The events of Pieces begin!

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And finally - the Ascendent tries to destroy Jar!Starion for many reasons in Chapter 19:

The Ascendent knows that it dies, if the soul and the body get reunited (or is that constant high alert survival instinct just no longer needed, because the problem is fixed? you decide.)

The Ascendent values Tav above itself. Tav is going to fix them. Astarion believes he could never fix himself.

Dissociation - that soul isn't me. I'm here, looking at my soul. If I get too close, it'll kill me.

Self-hatred - that soul isn't me. That man made a mistake, and I've had to live with the consequences. He doesn't deserve to live, for what he's made me become.

The knowledge that Rosalie/Tav will only ever want that version of him, not the one that's living and breathing, that sees itself as the most wretched, fucked-up version of itself. So... give them no choice. They have to deal with me and love me at my worst.

And if the Rite didn't work - if the version of the Ascendent walking around isn't the best one, and the one people want... what was it all for? Why does the Ascendent feel like this? Why does it have to suffer?

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....And, that's my little meta post! If anyone has any questions about the timeline or any motivations at any points in the fic, I'm obviously more than happy to explain things via ask/comment, as always!

TLDR: I just wanted to make a Gothic horror. I wanted a dark romance, fucked up obsession vampire/mortal dynamic, but I also wanted a situation that was scary for both Astarion and my Tav. I personally think an Astarion who is so dissociated and separate from reality that he feels that in his bones daily, is scary. It's the lingering impact of the traumas the Rite and those 7,000 souls embodied.

I was literally just trying to make it a horror, for everyone involved.

[psychewritesbs]

Chapter 236: Go South—JJK is generational

Gosh. Can we pleeeease just like... have a moment of silence for the one and only...THE Man, Gojo Satoru.

Ok, time's up.

Moving on.

Word vomit under the cut.

The process of reading this chapter was a very interesting one this week because the fandom got really noisy as soon as the leaks dropped.

Between allegations of bad writing and the utter sense of grief Gojo fans were expressing, it was quite the 💩 storm.

And then the actual scanlations started dropping, and little by little they replaced most of the noise with the utter sense of calm and peace and satisfaction that Gojo felt in his last moments in this plane of existence.

I gotta say that I just absolutely loved how Gege depicted those emotions (outside of Gojo's "dream") through shots of the devastated Shinjuku district.

The remnants of the battle of The Strongest, as if the landscape and the buildings themselves represented the end of an era, the devastation of the structure of Jujutsu society itself.

After all, as The Strongest sorcerer in the modern era, Gojo represented the very system he was trying to destroy.

Gege loves his irony.

Now, I would normally say that the words in the speech bubbles are superfluous because Gege creates such a beautiful atmosphere through the setting alone. But it is the words themselves that re-contextualize not just the battle, but also shed more light on Sukuna's interest in Megumi, which I feel we haven't seen the extent of what he had in mind.

Now I'm hoping this isn't a dream

Listen, I must admit I've never cared for Gojo.

I don't hate him, I don't love him, I simply never really cared for him.

That, of course, changed with this chapter.

And it is perhaps Gojo's death that really solidified in my mind the idea that one of the underlying themes in jjk is... dun dun dun... DEATH.

Yeah, I know. Sue me, I'm late to the party lmao.

But it's not just death itself that is a theme, but rather the face we put on when death comes knocking at the door.

There aren't many things that we can be certain of in this life, but death is one of them. So how we confront death and our mortality shapes the sense of self.

I know a lot of people were dissatisfied with the transition from 235 to 236 and Gege not showing how/when Gojo got slashed in half, but I find the abrupt transition makes sense, and I even dare say was... quite poetic.

For one, now knowing that Gojo knew Sukuna was holding back, a lot of incidents throughout the battle are given new meaning. Like that look of confidence on Gojo's face as he "thinks" he's finally managed to "get through" to Sukuna.

So I have to say that I loved that Gege starts the chapter with Gojo becoming aware that he has died or is dying.

In other words, Sukuna's attack was so sudden that Gojo's next moment of awareness as "Gojo Satoru" is in what we would normally think of as "the light at the end of the tunnel" where he is greeted by people who were of significance to him in his youth.

And can we please just talk about how Geto is the first person he sees when he becomes aware that he is dying?

Please. This is fucking poetry!

Insert keyboard smash.

Screaming in jjk.

Go South

I literally lack the words to explain why I love this whole chapter so much. Which is a lot to say because I am about to word vomit about it. But like...

Again, hindsight is 20/20.

I always thought of the panel above as Geto being jealous of Gojo surpassing him in strength but, in retrospect, I think Geto's disappointment had more to do with Gojo's sense of self over-identifying with the title "the strongest" and how that made him harder to relate to, which is one of the main themes in this chapter. I'll come back to this in a sec.

But first...

Quick depth psych segway. I think I've said this before, but it bears repeating again that an overwhelming sense of self is all ego. There's nothing wrong with ego per se.

The problem is that an over-identification with ego means inherent separateness because, as an organ of the psyche, the ego sense of self is what gives us a separate identity from the collective.

On the other hand, soul/heart (another organ in the psyche) is the principle of relatedness--love, the single energy that can bring us all together as a collective.

But as we already know, the stronger the sorcerer, the more overwhelming the sense of self.

Unfortunately, because an overwhelming sense of self = separateness, this also means the person in question can't relate to others.

And is this not thematically perfect for a sorcerer whose perfected cursed technique was meant to render others unable to "reach him"?

In other words, Gojo saw himself as separate (because he was "The Strongest") and that made it harder for him to relate to others, but only because he self-identified as "The Strongest".

Infinity ∞, in this sense, is also about the self-fulfilling prophecy Gojo was stuck playing out in his life in regards to seeing himself as "The Strongest".

But like a serpent eating its own tail, Gojo came back full circle, and in the moments before his death, learned that what really mattered to him was not strength for the sake of strength, but rather the connections he had fostered with others.

PLEASE. GEGE. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK?!!!!!!!!!!!

To bring it back to "Satoru became 'The Strongest'"...

I just loved so much that seeing Geto as soon as he becomes aware he's died felt like an encounter that meant Gojo had returned to the person he was before he self-identified as "The Strongest".

But more importantly, Gojo's imagination of himself as back when he was young also speaks both to how much he cherished that period of his life, and to how he was emotionally frozen in time due to his encounter with Toji.

It makes me wonder whether Gojo was afraid of dying alone when Toji almost killed him. So it's almost like what he took away from that battle was that he was always alone, and so he sought to push others away.

The kicker is that he simultaneously feared his existential isolation and yet craved the very source of his fear--human relations.

But in choosing self-preservation, he was a selfish to the very end.

What an idiot (tragically affectionate).

Anyways. How much of this is hc? Someone tell me please 😂. I feel like I went off the deep end in the last few paragraphs.

Like everyone else in this fandom I've lost all objectivity when it comes to Gojo because his departure from the story was truly one of the most heartbreaking moments in jjk.

I understand people's complaints about the "execution," but I think the world-wide phenomena that Gojo's death has spurred speaks to Gege's ability to elicit deeply archetypal emotional responses as a story teller.

With Gojo's death, a part of our own psyche too has died. And what's most significant about this death is that it was, true to Gojo's character, "something that needed to die because it represented the very thing it sought to destroy."

And this would be why I love Gege's writing.

A fitting way for Gojo to go out

I know not everyone agrees, but I really appreciated that he was satisfied and at peace in the very end.

He got his cake (battle to death with Sukuna) and got to eat it too (reconnected with his loved ones).

Sukuna

But we can't talk about Gojo without talking about Sukuna as the one who liberated Gojo from the burden of his existential isolation.

Sukuna gave Gojo a fun battle, but if it weren't because Sukuna figured out how to cut through Gojo's metaphorical defenses by learning to cut through space-time itself--the very fabric of reality, Gojo might not have found his humanity once again.

The outcome of this battle spells out in no uncertain terms how dire the situation is as Sukuna has proven himself to be the uncontested "Strongest".

But in a sense, the end is a new beginning, and this time, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

JJK is generational

I get the feeling that everyone will remember where they were when this panel dropped.

I was in bed. It was 6 am and Tasokare, my miniature panther, was demanding attention.

A moot was on the way to the gym. They never made it out of the house after seeing the panel.

Another moot was completely avoiding Twitter to avoid leaks, but her brother, who does not even read jjk, saw the panel on Facebook and showed it to her.

Yet another moot was on vacation at the beach.

JJK is generational like that and there's just so much more I can say about this chapter and its implications (like the idea that Sukuna can now cut through space-time, why?! what does he want to get out of this ability?), but I just don't even know what more I can say right now.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I'm looking forward to any thoughts you might have. Just a heads up, I'm very, very slow at replying.

[elderberries-and-honey]

hey idk if youve answered this but whats ur writing process like? im think of doing a story like decades challenge but ive never anything outside of gameplay really. also how far in advance do you plan is it like this gen or gens in the future? sorry for rambling

Hello! First, you don't ever have to apologize for rambling to me; I love a good ramble! And second, if you're wanting to do the decades challenge, I suggest going for it! It has really helped me find a medium to channel my love for writing and learn history along the way.

To answer your second question of how far in advance I plan, I do plan multiple generations at once. I have a basic outline from 1890 to the mid 1920's already planned out, and this includes Ozzy, Atticus and future children and most of the side characters as well like Beth, Millie and Valerie.

As for my process, it's a little more in-depth and I use a website called Milanote for note taking and tracking birthdays and Google Docs for a bigger spreadsheet and writing the story.

Sometimes I have the full scene already written out in advance, but most of the time, it will be few sentences to get the juices flowing or something I wrote down at a different time. I write small things all the time, like little pieces of dialogue, or a good prose that I don't want to forget.

I personally need to see what the scene will look like before I write it out. Mostly because if I write something, and then can't find a pose for it, I get frustrated. So I shoot the scene first, edit the photos, put them into a Tumblr draft, and then finish the writing with the photos there for me to look at. Lately, I've been taking a few photos and then the rest of the scene comes to me while I'm shooting, so I stop taking photos and write it down before I forget.

Anyway, once all the photos are taken and the first draft is finished, I copy and paste what I've just written into my Google Docs. From there, I let it do it's grammar / spell check thing (mostly because I have it set to British-English so I want to catch American spellings of things and change them for me), reread it and put it back into the draft on Tumblr.

After that, I read the scene outloud back to myself. This helps me catch any weird grammar errors that the computer missed, or any repetitive use of a word & then I replace them (I have an extension that looks for synonms for me). I also just feel reading it outloud back to yourself, helps you read it like it's a story vs you just like...saying what's happening, if that makes sense? Like if I'm finding myself bored just by saying it outloud, it will probably be boring to read.

I do this multiple times over before I decide I'm satisfied, and I usually do it one more time before I publish the post. After I like what I've written, I copy and paste that back into my Google Doc because I consider this "my hard copy".

There is also a lot more organization that goes into it than just this, so if you want to know how I organize things, I'd be happy to explain that as well. It's a lot of spreadsheets and notetaking, but you don't have to do that if you don't want to.

And, this is just what works for me, I can't stress that enough! Other people write the scene before they shoot, and that's perfectly fine too. My process has changed overtime and it's taken a bit of trial and error, but this is just what feels the most natural for me.

I hope this helps somewhat and isn't too overwhelming. You can always do more gameplay than writing if that's what works for you, or build a story with gameplay. So don't let this scare or intimidate you! Either way, good luck with your decades challenge!

[strititty]

Hello hope sorry I'm late for the fic writer ask I was busy this is Simon btw shhhh I'm secret now. I wanted to ask you all of them obviously but mostly numbers 37, 39, 41, and 42! if you remember obviously if not I am so sorry

hi friend :)

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it?

oh this is an interesting question... maybe pecking order? it might be because it's the third fic in the series, or because guardiancest shippers are few and far between these days, or maybe even the vomiting tag lmao but for some reason it does not have nearly as much traction as the previous two fics, which is a shame, because i love it dearly! david going kind of completely unhinged as he tries to deal with any new feelings he may or may not be having... bro dealing with that the best way he knows how (not backing down At All)...

alternatively each heart touched but that's just my plug for everyone to go try cultist simulator, actually, i fuckin love that game. it's confusing and weird but it's FLAVORFUL and honestly that's all i want.

39. Is any aspect of your writing process inspired by other writers or people? If so, who?

OH YES. i see you, you little scamp, because now i am morally obligated to concede that my characterization of MANY characters is informed by the great fanfic writers that came before. you, for instance!! and geometrician's dualshock desertbloom is very informative of my bro characterization.

i am not super sure some of the other blogs i draw inspo from would appreciate the shout out so i'll keep that to myself, but know this: if you have written strilonde fanfiction or we have ever spoken in depth about the characters, i have probably drawn some measure of inspiration from your fics or the things we talked about, because that's how the creative spirit works!

i think that a lot of fandom in general is also often built upon the backs of old concepts and fanon. some of that has gotten torn down over time, like... god, specifically all i can think of is dave rn. like common fanon used to be that he was literally too cool for school and now it's generally accepted that actually that was a massive front and How Did Anyone Buy Into That. i think that maybe some of us have flipped a little too hard in the opposite direction and made dave like. Soft Baby-fied? but i feel that's also a very fandom thing to have happen lmao. oh to woobify your faves for fun and profit. no harm in it but i do think it's very interesting!

41. Link a fic that made you think, "Wow, I want to write like that."

you know i think the most recent experience i had like that is with your words destroyed my planet, explicitly because i want to be able to plot out and execute longfic like this person can. it's a cool fic!

42. Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?

i've gotten a few comments that have stuck with me! the one you sent me on discord made me CRY (in a good way no worries) but if we're talking purely public on ao3...

there was one comment interrogating the like. NATURE of david in my demonstuck series and how i explained it in the fic that was honestly SO interested and gave me a lot to think about.

also someone told me one of my fics made them jizz instantly or something like that which was SO FUNNY to me as an ace person who does not really write or read smut to be horny about it most of the time. why do i? i dont know. it's Interesting, i guess??? like yes!!! CHARACTERS!! smushing our barbie dolls together!!! YES!!! i am EMOTIONALLY TITILLATED

[mondstadtlover6000]

hi, big big fan! super curious what your writing process is like! are you a edit as you go along or write the entire thing first and then edit

hi thank you for the question! okay uh i don't actually edit my fanfics. everything i post is a raw first draft. BUT i promise i actually have an interesting (to me at least) process even with that! i'm a very organized writer. i keep outlines for everything, although for fanfics my process is a lot more casual compared to my originals. first of all, i have a queue/to do list of projects i'll be writing in order, which is a lot less fancy than it sounds; it's just bulletpointed list with rough months/timelines attached to them. for example, i'll show mine right now (for the rest of the year):

herc mako fic (late oct)

[original] tv show episodes (six) (oct-dec)

[original] screenplay edit (end of oct)

[original] novel draft 2 (early november)

[original] screenplay (mid to late november)

connalia scott pilgrim au (november)

katie pjosceu fic (december)

now i usually have really high expectations for myself so i'll likely only get around 50% to 75% of that done but whatever. before i start writing anything, i write out an outline: for fanfics it's more likely to be a bulletpointed list with just the scenes i want to write/emotional points i want to hit, but for originals i'll go more in depth (sometimes i mark scenes down to the day and time of day, explain what happens in every scene, etc). sometimes i organize things a lot earlier and write an outline up to months ahead when i eventually get around to writing that specific project and sometimes i outline right before i start or even after i've written a few thousand words of the project and have gotten for a feel for it. it depends project to project but that's my typical process.

for editing, like i said, i don't edit for fanfics. i do fanfics for fun so once i'm done one draft i immediately just post--i could be putting more effort and giving you guys more polished stuff to read but forgive me, my desires are not as such. but for originals i do things in drafts and edit after! i'm a personal believer that the edit-as-you-go approach just slows you down.

usually with originals, i take my hands off the project once i'm done a first draft and also make sure to note down any immediate big changes i see. i'll also reread the first draft a few times until i've gathered a list of big plot changes down to minute little details. once i've got that, i go back and redo the entire outline top to bottom to tweak order of scenes, add new ones, delete ones, etc. then i write the second draft--not from scratch exactly? i start afresh but i consult the first draft and a lot of stuff gets copypasted into draft 2 because if it isn't broken... don't fix it.

i've never actually gotten to draft 3 or farther to line edits before but so far my process for that has been: send to my sisters and get feedback; make (yet another) bulletpointed list of revisions from major to minor; edit everything. and then afterwards i hope to do some final surface edits to ensure all characters stay in character throughout dialogue, the continuity is fine, and there aren't any flaws and errors. and ofc at one point i have to chop things down because i am very verbose (my 2nd draft for my novel rn is 190,000 words!!! wow!!!!) but like i stated i haven't gotten to that stage yet.

sorry i yapped for way too long for this question but i hope that gave you some insight! even though my editing process is about originals instead of fanfics. tl;dr: i really like bulletpointed lists.

[bookstoreadbtr]

Norris, as he is affectionately known, is a man of many adventures and remarkable stories. His love for exploration has taken him from the New Mexican High Desert to Mount Fuji in Japan, and even to the depths of the Australian Great Barrier Reef. However, his greatest adventure has been the journey of marriage, which partly inspired him to pen his debut novel, The Wayward Mage. This book launched the Adventure of Jack Wartnose series, a captivating fantasy epic. Despite initial setbacks, Norris found renewed inspiration during the COVID-19 shutdowns and has since become a successful author. As he prepares to release the fourth book in his series, The Condemned Mage, in October 2024, Norris shares insights into his writing journey, challenges, and inspirations in this exclusive interview.

When did you discover your passion for writing? My senior year in high school, I received my first laptop as a birthday gift from a good family friend. Don't know why, but later that night I decided to open a word document and started screwing around with a story of a mercenary on his deathbed. Through my college years and immediately afterward, I started to write a number of short stories, poems, and even longer novels. Never went anywhere with them except posting excerpts on a now defunct forum at the time. Some years later, my hard drive crashed, and I lost everything I had written. Had an external backup, but somehow in the same week I also lost that one. So, at that point, I gave up. I still had the ideas rattling in my head, but no desire to put them down after losing so much progress. Fast-forward 10 years to the COVID shutdowns and it was during this time I had a dream (literally, don't laugh) about a man walking into a medieval tavern and being accosted by the bar maid for "loving and then leaving her" almost twenty years prior, before they eventually got back together. It was so humorous I woke up chuckling, and decided to write it down for fun. Then I wrote a little more, having these two characters marry for a happy ending. Next, a thought came to mind: why is marriage always the ending, the "happily-ever-after?" In reality, marriage is just the beginning of the adventure! I should start there instead. 90 days later, I finished the first book in my award-winning series, "The Adventures of Jack Wartnose," and am now beginning the process of launching the 4th book in the same series October 2024. 

What encouraged you to become an author? In part, I've always been a storyteller. When I was deployed overseas in the Navy, I would write to my family and friends every week with tales of my misadventures. Some of these took hours to write up as I loved explaining in detail the places, cultures, food, and/or "trouble" I encountered. Regardless how long they ended up, no one ever admitted that they were bored reading them. And while I spent a few years where I had put my storytelling skills aside, I never stopped telling stories in my head. Now that I've begun writing again after a years' long hiatus, it's also in part this burning need that drives me to continue today. 

Did you have any fears of publishing before you started? Absolutely! "Would I find success?" "Would people actually read my book?" "Would I be able to afford to keep writing?" Thankfully, I didn't listen to them and kept writing and publishing. I have found a small amount of success, thankfully, but nowhere close to where I could safely quit my day job and devote myself full time to writing. People do continue reading my books and really enjoy them. I just got my first official fan email outside of the family, friends, and fellow authors that read my books. So, that's a small victory! I hope more people will continue to buy and read my award-winning books. Publishing ain't cheap, you know. LOL.

What were three things you learned about the publishing process? a. Just because you published your book doesn't mean you're done with it. There's marketing, promotions, and also occasionally editing your published manuscript whenever a reader finds a misspelled word. And trust me, they will find it. Even after you've done multiple self-edits and had friends/family and a professional proofread it! b. Publishing starts months before the actual date: getting ARC readers, talking with bloggers to get them to read and promote your book, social media blitzing, and booking spots on promotional sites (especially the high-end ones, you need to reserve your spot months in advance). c. Self-publishing is a full-time job and very expensive. It is a big investment at the start! If you treat it as such, you'll have a better chance of success quicker simply because you have more time to devote to learning and perfecting the craft/business. If you bootstrap it like I do, success will take longer as you have to make time away from your regular breadwinning job and familial responsibilities to write and promote it (not to mention having to budget in order to fund the projects). Just be sure that you understand the risks and rewards as they apply to your situation. 

What was the most surprising thing your learned in the process? How difficult it is to build an audience. Makes sense when you realize that tens if not hundreds of thousands of books are being published each year around the world. Everyone is vying to get readers to check out their book, so competition is very stiff. I believe firmly that my books offer audiences a unique fantasy adventure story about family and redemption, with plenty of humor and romance to keep fans of stories like Princess Bride happy; yet also has enough lore, action and character intrigue to please fans of that type of fantasy.

Where can your future fans follow you on social media? Amazon Author Page - author.amazon.com/home

Goodreads - https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/167731782-a-s-norris

Facebook - @asnauthor; https://www.facebook.com/asnauthorpage/

Instagram - @asnauthor; https://www.instagram.com/asnauthor/

Twitter - @asnauthor; https://twitter.com/asnauthor

Do you have a website? Sure do!

It is there that visitors can sign-up for my monthly newsletter and receive a free prequel novella to my Wartnose series, "The Wayward Apprentice." Be assured, I will not sell you information.

To read full interview pick up the lasts issue of ReaderZeen, available now!

[cheesybadgers]

Ohhhh sorry, I didn't realise this was your side blog, silly me!! I do follow your main blog and I've seen you in my notifications quite a few times, so it's lovely to finally chat ❤️ And listen, if anyone ever takes the time to read and comment on my writing, I will always take the time to reply 😊

Although my reply turned into a bit of a mini essay (oops lol), so I'll put it under the cut:

Oh I hope you liked the snippet! I swooned quite a few times writing that scene, so thought I would share lol.

Yep yep yep, Steve has Javier's back and Trujillo has Horacio's back, and I think everyone - including Chucho and Connie - knows how much each of them means to the other, so they by default also feel protective of both of them, if that makes sense?!

Oh man, I loved writing all the interactions in chapter 13! I always love making characters talk to each other who either didn't meet at all in canon, or who didn't get much screen time together. And lolol yeah, Steve really thought he was doing something with his Spanish, bless him 😂

Hnnnnng your comments about Madrid and the balcony!!!! Erm, I think you might like the opening scene of the next chapter 👀 I shared a small snippet from it here if you haven't seen it (although I think I've edited it a bit since then and it's only the opening few lines)!

As for Señora Romero...I'll just leave this snippet here I posted a couple of months ago 😉 And once again, you are completely right about how her and Chucho would get along! And I think you might feel this even more strongly after the next couple of chapters.

Also just to re-assure you, you are absolutely not being weird at all!! You are being so kind, thoughtful and insightful and I live for interactions like this, so please don't worry at all 😘

Aw thank you for reading All In and And Yet Here He Was too ❤️ Those were a lot of fun to write, but yeah, this fic has been my (not so small) baby for the last two years lol.

I started it during lockdown when everything was on pause and the world was going through so much trauma and grief, so I didn't expect to still be working on it after all this time, and after life went back to 'normal' (whatever that really means). Although I guess that's quite fitting for the journey Javier and Horacio go on, because there is life and love after trauma and grief.

I've learnt so much about the writing process as well as the research for the fic itself. And I don't think I could have done what I did in the later chapters when I first started, so I guess it all happened the way it did for a reason.

And to link on to you saying you found this fic at the right time of your life (🥺❤️), I think this ship and fic found me at the right time as well (because you don't choose your favourite ships, they choose you 😂). I've thought for a while that the pandemic heightened my attachment to whatever I was into at the time, so I think that partly explains it, because I've never felt this compelled to write novel-length stories about any other ship before...and I can't really imagine doing it for any other ship? Certainly not fics of this depth/length anyway.

But these two? I can't explain it...I just remember working on the first couple of chapters and realising I understood them and they suited my writing style, and that was that!

And gaaaaawd, yeah, they are so ridiculously in love with each other...I mean, I'm happily married, but don't think we can compete with these two ride-or-dies 💕 I think I just ramped up the intimacy and trust we see between them in the show to maximum...and then some more after that lol.

I honestly didn't expect more than a handful of people to be interested in it, because it's a pretty rare ship in the fandom and the show ended a while ago. But I've been blown away by people's responses to it (someone even bought a fricking cross necklace because of it????!!!😭😩🥺), including your lovely comments. It's everything I could have hoped for and more, so thank you so much for taking it into your heart so dearly (and no, you absolutely didn't scare me)😭❤️

Narcos Fic: Old Habits Die Hard (Chap. 1)

Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13 , Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17

Read on AO3

Masterlist

Pairing: Javier Peña x Horacio Carrillo

Words: 3,378

Summary: Set during the events of Explosivos (season 1, ep 6), Javier and Horacio (who for the purposes of this fic, isn’t married) are sent on a mission to bring down Gacha. A close call results in an injured Horacio and Javier is forced into a decision he wasn’t expecting to make, all of which raises questions about the nature of their complicated relationship. Involves lots of confessions in the dark, eventually leading to smut. 

Warnings: 18+ ONLY. Canon-typical violence and the discussions thereof, swearing, smoking, angst, power dynamics, mild head injury. No smut yet, but there will be in the next chapter. 

Notes: I’m not sure what happened to me during my last Narcos re-watch a couple of months ago, but I came away with an abundance of feelings about these two, particularly stemming from this episode. I’ve got most of the next chapter done, but am not quite sure if I want to take the story further than that yet. I’m not the quickest of writers and this is the first multi-chapter fic I’ve done, so I’ll see how it goes! 

Whilst obviously I do not own Narcos or its characters, please do not copy, re-post, or plagiarize this fic in any capacity on this or other platforms. If you wish to create any fan works inspired by it, please provide a credit or send me a message if in doubt.

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[goosedawn]

//Oh gods, welp, here I go [cracks knuckles]

//Tiny farmer Techno Au,,,, prepare for some future lore cjkhcxk

Timestamps from: "I Became the Mayor of Skyblock" by Technoblade

--

(5:39) "I decided to call in an old rival..." - Technoblade

Techno continues on with his life for days on, but finally, he somehow finds his way to society again, seeing that the entire town has been taken over by a tyrant of a mayor. The townspeople called for aid, and from the depths of his cold heart, he decided to help (....what do you mean he only did it so people would buy his potatoes-).

For a bit, he did his work by himself, only getting help from some other living scarecrows (listen, I really like the idea of some scarecrows coming alive [cough] PHIL [cough]), TimeDeo and Jyn (...? Is that how you spell their name?). (Dunno what the process for taking over the mayor would be exactly but,,, chchskdlcx,,,)

But you can only do so much work with... living scarecrows. With a bit of reluctance, he calls for help from SquidKid. And then together they defeat Dante :]

(Also, it's funny to think that the town has a mayor that they've never seen. All they know is that the previous mayor is gone, and the new one is pretty chill. /Lh)

--

(6:31) "Is there any way to do the teleport room without just like.. guessing?" - SquidKid

(6:36) "You are like... little baby, watch this." - Technoblade

-

Being tiny has its perks.

"Wait, what do you mean you can solve this maze in an hour or less?"

Techno turned towards the bigger hybrid, crossing his arms as he nonchalantly stared up at them. SquidKid only gives him a baffled look back, their tentacle-like hair slightly sprung up to further show their confusion.

He knows this only because he's known the man for far longer than they've known him.

He knows more personal information than should be shared, somehow finding the other farmer's parent's numbers along with a few other things. He had jokingly pocketed away the parent's number in the back of his mind, although, he had no real plans of ever using it. Well, maybe he had played with the idea of calling SquidKid's parents to dunk on the fact that a wild borrower had been winning their competition, but he ultimately decided not to for obvious reasons.

He knows the hybrid's schedule like the back of his hand, having to work around it for the better part of an entire year. Using that knowledge, he had sabotaged countless of SquidKid's tools, poking small, unnoticeable holes into their hoses and irrigation systems.

And he knows SquidKid's behavior from how they speak to how they express any sort of emotion. Lies were easily debunked from the small twitch of the corner of their mouth as they suppressed a smile, and anger was easily shown from how their strange hair pieces would spike up.

Yet, he can't help but feel slightly at unease in front of them. He supposes it's only natural, seeing that there's a huge height difference between them. Plus, this was practically the first time they've been closer than two fields of length in between them. Well, disregarding the times he's gone snooping around the bigger farmer's place, but that's neither here nor there.

"Squid, look at me," he raises his hand, gesturing towards himself, "I'm tiny, yes?" the squid hybrid nodded slowly, and he pointed at the stalks of tall fern and crop, "to you, this would basically be a wall you can't get through. For me, though...."

He jumped off his perch, tightly holding his trusty bag and sliding towards the flora before easily disappearing behind the thicket and appearing moments later at eye level, holding the stalk of the crops easily,

"It's easy to go through."

SquidKid makes a quiet 'oh' sound with another nod of their head, looking slightly in awe. The amazed look turns to one of confusion again, though, and he awaited their next question with a raised eyebrow, "but... the maze is big, how are you going to get through it all without tiring?"

Techno grinned, lifting a hand to his mouth and loudly whistling. He doesn't hesitate to slide back to the floor as a blur of white fur bounds towards him.

"Carl!" he exclaims, wrapping his hands around the rabbit's fluffy neck and combing through the fur with his fingers. He backs away to pull out a broken-off piece of a carrot, feeding it to the eager bunny before turning towards the astonished squid hybrid with a grin, "my noble steed," he waves a hand towards the still feeding rabbit.

"You tamed a rabbit," they dumbly point out, having to metaphorically pick up their jaw off of the floor.

"Yup, I did. you can stop gawking now," he huffed, "you're going to catch a bug with your mouth if you keep your mouth wide open."

"...And you named it Carl?"

"What kind of question is that?" he snorts, shaking his head, "yes, I named him Carl, and yes he's going to be the one helping me through the maze. Any other silly questions?"

The man stumbles over their words for a second, and he amusedly watches from below, "I- yeah, yeah, you bozo," they finally settle on saying.

"Alright, cool, I'm going to go find the exit now," he turns away from the hybrid, climbing on the back of the rabbit's back, "see you there."

He doesn't give SquidKid the chance to respond, already setting off through the thicket. And he sure doesn't suppress the grin that crawls up his face as Carl bounds past stalks and stalks of crops.

Having distracted SquidKid enough to get away, the bigger farmer had barely thought to ask how they themselves would traverse the maze.

They must have realized soon enough, though, since not seconds later, he hears a strangled yell of his name along with a loud groan.

--

Pain, it's been too long since I've written something /Lh

--

"(Also, it's funny to think that the town has a mayor that they've never seen. All they know is that the previous mayor is gone, and the new one is pretty chill. /Lh)"

When the townspeople come to greet the new mayor, they come thinking that it's SquidKid who's done everything since it's always been SquidKid going into town and doing the talking- the scarecrows being unable to do so for obvious reasons, and Techno unable to do so without revealing his entire existence.

So when the sheepish farmer calmly explains that he's just a helper of the mayor, they're... rightfully confused. At first, they want to know the real identity of the mayor, but SquidKid wearily tries explaining that said mayor really doesn't want to be revealed. They only conceded when he shakily points to the unknown farmer's territory, most of them getting the message.

Techno is very thankful that SquidKid doesn't take his title and also doesn't reveal his existence.

-

"It would have been so easy for the squid hybrid to just pluck his tiny form from their back pocket and shove the wrathful spotlight onto him.

He wasn't even able to even escape now as he found himself stuck in the hybrid's pocket. The crowd had come quickly after SquidKid had removed the other mayor for him, and he remembered feeling panicked as he stared at the other hybrid. The next thing he knew, he was shoved into their pocket.

He couldn't get out without tumbling to the ground with a splat, and, even worse, the possibility of one of the townspeople pointing him out with gossip-drinking eyes was incredibly high too.

He shakily gulped, greedily taking the air around him as he tried to stay calm. He never liked being near anyone- not even the scarecrows - so the second-hand contact with his past rival was not the finest experience.

"I- uhm," the squid hybrid stumbled over their words, "t-the mayor really would rather not... have the entire town to greet them.."

The crowd hushedly mumbled to each other, and one straggler called out, "well, tell them to come out anyway!"

By the Blood God, he hated this. He shrunk to the bottom of the pocket. This was one of the worst worries for a borrower; he had already been pushing his limit with the scarecrows and SquidKid, but this was another level for him.

"...Uh, well, in that case," he felt SquidKid shift, and a hand brushed over his pocket. He tenses, waiting for the fingers to tug him out and waiting for SquidKid to finally prove that they're not as kind as they look, for them to finally get some semblance of petty revenge.

"You can find them over there." He pauses, confused to as why there's no hand reaching down for him. The words finally dawn on him, and he's both relieved and perplexed to what SquidKid could have meant by that.

But hatever they've done has made the crowd fall unnaturally silent, and so he's at least a little relieved for that too.

The same voice that was brave enough to speak before pipes up, "you mean the ghost farmer?"

....He didn't know that the townspeople had come up with a name for him, but he's suddenly thankful that he's gained enough popularity that people stop and gawk.

"Y...Yes," SquidKid slowly acknowledges the villager, "they were the one orchestrating all of this. I was just helping with the... talking parts," the hybrid is silent for a moment before they burst into a stammering mess,

"And- uh, I-I should take my leave now, b-because I should really h-head back and ch-check up on them," he feels the bigger farmer start to take a few steps back, supposedly away from the crowd, "I'll answer any questions later!"

He has to push against the fabric to keep himself from bouncing around in the pocket as SquidKid starts running. He faintly hears the townspeople shout for the male, but it's muffled through the fabric.

As it starts to seem as if the squid hybrid would never stop running, they finally start to slow down, their breaths coming out labored and airy.

He doesn't speak up for a moment, letting the other regain themselves first. When they finally seem well enough, he speaks up,

"That's the best you can come up with?"

--

chKFCHKDSJFSDF oh my Primes, this is so LONG,,,, I have no idea how to write SquidKid,,,, plus, I had no idea how to like,,, oOGHgds,f,, pain.

Anyways, hope you had fun reading ALL of this cchjxcvxkdsf,,,

AAUBHJDUHFJHBFNDKUFHN WENDYYY /POS

i dont have anything to add this is just fantastic,,,,, DEO AND JIYN AS SCARECROWS AS WELL,,, FBJHDKUHSJHHDV,,,,,, i love that techno gets to have Carl still 🥺🥺🥺 and him leaving squidkid on the other side of the maze??? FHJBDJNJKBF

ALSO 🥺 squid protecting techno and not telling people abt him,,,,, aaajfhkdojfh good,, i also appreciate that everyone in the village just has to be like. "the ghost farmer is mayor????... well this isnt the weirdest thing thats happened to me"

SQUIDKID RUNNING AWAY,,,, "ill answer any questions later" djhshhjhjhbhbfhdjhbe

*holds this gently* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i adore

[oneofthosesimps]

Freak like Me

pairing: levi x fem!reader I nsfw

word count: 6230

summary: as soon as the reader enters levi's life, something changes in him. reader's madness spills over and he slowly changes

warnings: mention of blood (not yours), rough sex, dirtytalk, daddy kink, swearing, dom x dom, fight scene

authors note: although i wanted to write shorter stories again, this one somehow got longer again. i tried my hand at an action scene, but i still have to practice a lot. somehow i had strong harley x joker vibes and they had to come out, sorry.

all credits to the artist of this pic:

Lensar on DeviantArt

-----

Your gaze falls into the depths of the forest before you close your eyes. Bright rays of sunlight fall through the branches above you and warm your face. You hear birds chirping around you, the crackling of the wood beneath you, the rustling of leaves swirling in a gust of wind. You breathe deeply as your open hair blows back. You hear your heart beating quietly in your chest as the silence embraces you like an old friend. What does freedom mean? What does life mean? You are sure that this is pretty close to the source. The people behind the wall, who go about their lives every day hoping to see the next day, would never get to see this world. Especially not the people you left behind in the underground.

A grin plays around your lips as you hear the hissing far off in the distance. The trees groan behind you under the force with which the hooks bore into their bark. That took a long time, you think to yourself, as ropes speed past you. You hear the chatter and shouts of your comrades in fragments, shattering the silence around you. Blurred faces shoot past you one after the other.

You spread your arms and stretch them away from you. One last deep breath fills your lungs before you hold your breath. Slowly your body falls backwards before you lose your footing beneath you and plunge headlong into the depths. The air hisses loudly past your ears, your body spins around itself. You are weightless, the green blurs around you before your whole body is pressed full force into your harness and you are yanked back up. You hear the gas sweep around you as you fly through the air, trailing the others. Your hooks bore further away into the trunk of a thick, old tree. You take momentum, flying high into the treetops, letting the ropes come back to you. Unsecured, you fall through space. Your body does a backward roll, allowing you to observe the forest floor for a brief moment. The moss nestles around the roots of the trees, single brown leaves cover the forest path, bodies move forward beneath you, you can still see a squirrel quickly making its way to safety before your body returns to its normal position and you dig your hooks into a tree again. You zip between the trees, your cape flying behind you, your face brushing some branches that bore into your tender skin. You hear the pop of a cannon being fired and see red smoke in the sky northwest of you.

Immediately you change direction, sprinting forward, leaving behind other cadets who still haven't processed what is happening. Arriving in a clearing, you find your place on a thick branch high above. Further in the distance, you see the shaking of trees, the earth shaking slightly, making the grass dance on the ground. You hear heavy footsteps, still moving slowly.

The branch below you moves and you look to your right. Silver eyes stare at you from beneath tousled black hair, eyeing your small body.

"You really do have to keep pushing forward." You hear more bodies land on the trees behind you and the wood weighs down slightly. The rest of your squad waits for instruction from your captain.

"I guess this is why I'll never get my own Squad, sir."

You turn your gaze back to the direction the titan is coming at you from and grin.

"What do you think, fifteen seconds?"

"Mmm, more like ten," Levi guesses, and the tremor intensifies. A huge hand grips around a tree trunk, pulling out from between the trees, and big eyes stare at you. Nearly ten-metres high, abnormal.

"Let's see what you can do then, humanity's strongest soldier." He snorts and rolls his eyes before his whole body moves forward with a jerk. He pulls his swords from their holsters and places them close to his body. With an ease and without the titan even noticing him, he cuts a chunk out of his neck. Before Levi even gets back beside you, the giant falls to the ground and starts to steam.

That wasn't even seven. He crosses his arms in front of his chest, the blood on his face slowly disappears and he looks at you. A small smirk curls his lips, "Brat."

You snort and slam your fist against his shoulder.

Special.

That's the word everyone would use to describe your relationship.

Special.

The first time Levi laid his eyes on you, when he saw you among all the new, shitty cadets, his foot hit your stomach area shortly after. You lacked respect and you lacked punctuality and discipline too. Another pile of shit he had to deal with - or work on until it headed home in tears.

The day after that, he hit your face with his fist. Kneeling on the floor in front of him, panting, you looked up at him. Wiping blood from your lips, you grinned at him and looked at him with wide eyes, your pupils exploding. "That's all you got, sir." Just as he was about to grit his teeth and lunge with his foot to beat the living daylights out of you, Hange stopped him. He tore himself away from her and knelt down to you, looking at you with dead eyes, "I'm going to make your fucking life a living hell." Your tongue licked over your lower lip, wiping away the remaining blood and your grin widened, "Try me."

He kept his word, always picking you out, giving you more tasks, making you run round after round, cleaning the whole headquarters, beating up your little body several times, but to his displeasure you did it all flawlessly. Yes, you lacked respect and also punctuality and discipline, but your performance was amazing, almost close to his. And when he finally saw the potential in you that Erwin had been talking about all along, it suddenly stopped - he left you alone, saw you with different eyes. Something changed in him, as if a plug had been pulled. You watched each other across the field during training, in mess hall at dinner, every spare minute your eyes spent on each other and gradually butterflies crept into the pit of your stomach. And you had the feeling that behind the cold silver there was something deep and dark that you wanted to bring to the surface. Your exchanges were still kept to a minimum, however, until there was another bang.

"That's the stupidest plan I've heard in a long time," you snort, raising an eyebrow.

"Excuse me, brat?" You roll your eyes and stare at him just as coldly as it hits you. The temperature in the room drops noticeably and the others at the table hold their breath. No one dares to say anything. No one would dare say anything. The moonlight from outside shines in, the candles in the room flicker slightly and trace sharp edges on your faces.

"That's the stupidest plan I've heard in a long time," you repeat louder, "Better, sir?"

Levi's eyes blaze and he stares at you. His eyebrows draw together, the corners of his mouth drop. You see Armin open his mouth speechlessly to your right.

Your hairs stand up, the electricity rises and you bite your lower lip, grinning.

"You doubt my plan?" says Levi low and monotone. Jean's hand lands on your shoulder and he grips it, pressing you into your seat to save you from your own stupidity, but it wasn't you who was stupid, it was the whole plan Levi had just explained to you.

"Not only do I doubt it, but I also have a better one," your grin widens as Levi's liquid silver darkens. "Let me fight on the front lines. Mikasa is good, but I'm better".

"For that, you're an incorrigible little bitch who won't listen to my orders".

"Yes, because my plans usually make more sense".

"You're not ready for that. Your cluelessness only makes you run from one titan to another. That statement alone shows me how small your brain is if you're not even aware of it and now shut your mouth."

Jean's grip tightens, but you just push his hand away from you. After your next blink, your heart jumps a tiny bit as you see Levi's annoyed face. He is always good at holding back his anger and it never shows. In fact, he almost never shows any emotion, but you see right through him. He has it bubbling up inside him. Never contradicts him and if he does, the person suffers a thousand deaths afterwards. But between you it is somehow different, tingling. It gives you the greatest pleasure to see him like this and you know, deep inside him, a voice is telling him that he enjoys it too. Others would describe you as crazy and full of the courage to live, but that's what makes it all so appealing.

"Maybe we can find a compromise?" suggests Armin and you see the sweat on his brow as he almost shits himself at the words. You roll your eyes and look back at Levi.

"I thought you wanted to make my life hell. So that's a good start," you remind him of the first words he ever said to you.

"Your plans are bullshit. If I let you keep fighting up front, you'll probably get yourself killed by your insanity, " he growls, almost at his limit. But only almost.

You lean over slightly, look at him, smile slightly, grin, bite your lip again, breathe, "I have a feeling you like this madness, Levi."

He tenses slightly, draws his eyebrows together again as his name passes your lips. Connie coughs and tries to draw attention to himself, but everyone ignores him. It seems like everyone is in a state of shock because you simply addressed him by his first name. Everyone watches spellbound as you literally eye-fuck each other. Do they like the show? Almost at his limit.

"Tch, what did you just call me, brat?" his voice gets louder and his hands form into fists. You lean back in your chair again and look at him, bored.

"Oh, I didn't know you had such bad hearing. Don't you like Levi? That's your name, isn't it? Do you prefer Sir? Or Captain? Or maybe," your eyes looked up at him, burning into him, "Daddy?" At his limit. Pathetic.

A deep dark sound comes from his throat and the others hold their breath again. His whole posture grows stronger and wider. You see the muscles working under his clothes, see veins popping on his hand and you feel butterflies in your stomach. His eyes are black. You all sit like that for a few seconds. You watch his gestures and his face change emotions. Without warning, his right hand hits the table flat, "Fuck off."

The sound cuts through the silence and the weaklings among you flinch. Confused, no one moves, while your eyes do not leave each other's. Armin is about to open his mouth and Jean is about to put his hand on your shoulder again when Levi stands up with a jerk, his chair tipping backwards and hitting the wooden floor with a thud.

"I said fuck off," he roars, looking around with a death glare.

Chairs squeak, footsteps run across the wooden floor, making it creak.

"What have you done now?" whispers Jean in your ear and you give him a look before he walks behind the others and the door closes.

The scene stops again and you stare at Levi. Both hands flat on the table in front of him, leaning on his arms and looking down, he stands there. You can no longer see his eyes as his long black strands fall into his face, but you notice his tense jaw. Your heart leaps again. He was so handsome. Especially when he was angry. Finally, you break the silence.

"Great, now you've scared everyone," you sigh and roll your eyes.

"What are you doing?", Levi hisses back at you, spitting venom and bile, finally raising his head. His eyes blaze again and your core drips.

"I don't know what you mean."

"You know your place, so start acting like it, you piece of shit."

"I wish my place was naked in front of you." Before Levi has taken in what you've said, you stand up, pushing the chair back a little as you do so, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go to sleep too. The day was exhausting and I need to rest to be fit for the expedition. So, I can sit my ass off nicely in midfield."

You turn away from him and your heart slips slightly into your pants. Never turn your back on the enemy. "But of course, it makes much more sense for Mikasa to fight in front and me in the back. Makes sense."

You can take two steps as his hand wraps firmly around your wrist. He squeezes too tightly, hurting you, and you grin again.

"Repeat what you said." His voice is so low it sends a shiver down your spine. Your expression changes and, playfully annoyed, you turn to face him.

"Do you mean the part where I explained that I was going to sit my ass off." He growls and you almost groan. The tension was heavy and hot.

"Stop playing games. My patience is running out."

You lick your lower lip again, wetting it before biting down on it. "I know this isn't about the fucking mission," Levi looks at your mouth. You take a step closer to him, looking up at him from below. "I wish my place was naked in front of you, Daddy," you breathe.

In that split second, his lips land on yours. Two forces of nature collide and you almost topple backwards. His arm wraps tightly around your waist, pulling you against him, and you finally moan. He bites your lower lip hard and you open your mouth in pain. He takes the opportunity to dig his tongue deep between your lips. He presses himself against your body and you slam into the wall behind you. A pain runs through your head as your tongues circle each other, fighting to see who has the upper hand. Your hands go into his hair, reaching deep into his mane, and you pull his head closer to you. Big hands grip your waist and he lifts you up with ease so you can wrap your legs around him. His hands travel under your thighs, squeezing the flesh before he drills them into the fat of your ass. Your teeth collide as you drill your tongue deeper into his mouth, exploring his mouth cavity. He releases the kiss and a thread of spit connects you. You lay your head back and lick over your swollen, sore lips as he places his mouth on your vein, kissing your pulse before licking along it.

"Took you long enough to finally decide to fuck me."

"Shut your mouth, brat," he breathes against your neck before biting into it and sucking on it.

"I swear, if you leave hickeys ..." you groan.

"What then? Are you going to hit me with your little fists?"

"You mean like you did to me all those times? Nah, I'm not an asshole like you. But you probably secretly get off on it."

He bites your neck, just above your pulse, and your head slams back against the wall behind you, making you see stars. He smirks as his nails dig into you and you claw into his shirt. Your panties are completely wet and your juice leaks out of you incessantly. You moan loudly as his teeth dig deeper into your flesh. This was far too good to be true. Your left hand goes into his hair again, you pull at the strands and tear him away from you. He makes a face and you press your lips to his again, biting his lower lip until you taste blood. He gasps and pushes your head away from him, "You're crazy."

You grin broadly at him. "We've been over this," you lick his lower lip apologetically, "and I can see you like it." His gaze is on your face as you wrap your arms around him. "You like crazy, you will stick your dick in crazy." A dark sound escapes him and your nails run over his neck. "You can't even argue with me, you want to fuck this crazy bitch so badly."

His lips land on yours again and you grin against him before moaning into his mouth as he presses you tighter against the wall. His hands leave your ass, skimming up the sides of your waist before moving forward to your chest. Two of his fingers find their way along between the buttons, stroking the sensitive skin. Your belly grows warm with the butterflies inside him. You wrap your legs tighter around his waist and run your hand under the fabric of his shirt at the nape of his neck, running it over the muscles of his shoulders and it shakes you with pleasure.

His strong hands grip the fabric of your blouse and without warning, he rips the front apart, sending the buttons flying across the room. You bite your lip as his arms fall around your waist to hold you in place. "You shouldn't have taken your anger out on my blouse," you moan as he kisses the bulge above your right collarbone and licks along it.

"Would you rather I took it out on you?" he murmurs as he bites into that thin skin too, sucking on it and sure to leave a hickey.

"Yes, I don't know you any different."

He continues to lick forward, kissing the ridge at the end of your neck, licking over a mole at the beginning of the mound of your breast. His right hand comes away from your waist, grips your left breast and kneads it. You claw into his shoulders, leaving marks as he pushes the cup off it and you feel his hand skin on skin. Almost painfully, he rolls your nipple between his thumb and forefinger and you push your back through, coming to meet him.

"Mmm, you like that?" he murmurs and you can hear his grin.

"I never thought you'd be this good at it," you mock, before you make a grimace and groan. Pain runs through you as he bites down on your nipple and then his lips wrap around it and he sucks on it. The sensation extends to your fingertips and your toes, coursing through your whole body. You close your eyes, savouring and moaning his name as he bites into it again. He sucks harder on it, lifting his head slightly and releasing it with a plop. He circles your nipple with his tongue and licks it slowly and pleasurably. The knot in your stomach tightens and your head is fogged.

"More," you moan into the room. You tug at the piece of fabric covering him and press your core tighter against him.

"Don't be so impatient, idiot."

"I'm not impatient, you're just slow."

He pulls your whole body down a bit, pressing his bulge into your centre. You curse because the fabric between you is annoying and rub against him greedily.

"Slowly then?" he purrs against your ear and comes towards you, rubbing against you too, "I'll keep that in mind." He grips you again and lifts you away from the wall. You let yourself fall against him and moan against his neck, licking it as you continue to try and build pressure.

Shortly after, your bottom touches the table and he releases your weight. You seize the opportunity and do the same to him, yanking him out of his shirt.

"Tch, but I'm venting my anger," he leans over you, capturing your lips again. Immediately your tongues meet. Greedily your fingers touch his body, stroking his soft skin beneath your fingers, feeling individual scars over, which you let your thumb wander. You caress each and every muscle and gape at his well-built body. He surpasses every single one of your fantasies that you imagined while he was training or just cleaning. You follow his muscles down to the V of his pelvis and a deep moan comes over him as you undo the buckle of his belt. His hands also find their way to your trousers, undoing them, and he releases the kiss. He goes to the floor, kneels in front of the table where you are still sitting and looks up at you. Slowly he takes off your boots without taking his eyes off you. You watch him spellbound, a grin falling on your lips again. He pulls at your trouser legs and you lift your bottom, helping a little so that he can brush the fabric off your legs.

His hands run over your feet and you shake yourself slightly before he kisses them.

"Mmm," you moan, "I could see you like this more often, Captain." You bite your lower lip as his hands slide along your legs. Again, and again his lip or tongue hits your skin, caressing it and you are sure you would leave a stain on the neatly cleaned table. At the latest, when his lips lick the insides of your thighs, your hands clasp the edge of the table. You groan and your right hand goes into his hair, claws into it. His hands settle on your legs, pushing them apart, and his warm breath touches your core. He looks at the dark fabric separating his face from your lower lips and licks his lips. How will you taste? There is a distinct stain, your juice colours the fabric a shade blacker and his hard cock presses against his still closed trousers. He draws in the air around him and he groans. You smell so incredibly good, how much he'd like to taste you. How much he would like to fuck you.

When you notice his fingers gently stroking your pussy and he grips the fabric to pull it aside, you moan again and pull on his head.

Painfully he is pulled back and you close your legs.

"What are you doing, idiot?" he gasps in annoyance, his face contorting at the sting.

"I don't feel like playing this time," you murmur, grinning. "My patience is wearing thin," you repeat his words from earlier, "I don't feel like waiting anymore."

You press your toes against his chest and push him backwards. He is slightly off balance, staggers and falls into the chair behind him.

"Unzip your pants already", you stand up and your hands each rest on the back of the chair next to his head, your breasts dangling in his face, "Go ahead".

Completely caught off guard, he undoes the button and then the zip. You grin again and lean forward towards him. Your lips meet his jaw, kissing along it to his ear and you put your mouth to the shell of his ear, "And now you take out your big cock."

He growls slightly and does as you command. Your gaze falls briefly on his hard erection and a shiver comes over you, your butterflies dancing inside you.

"That's much better, isn't it, Daddy?" you see his Adam's apple dangle as he swallows hard and you look into his eyes. You place one leg on each side of his body. Your hands slide from the back of the chair to his shoulders and you claw into them. Still covered with a piece of cloth, you rub your cunt over his hard cock, which presses against it. You moan and he does the same, putting his hands on your waist and squeezing. His eyes close and he puts his head back in his neck, "Do it already."

"Anything my daddy wants," your hand grips the thin fabric and pulls it aside. Drops of your juice hit him, mixing with his precum and you rub it along your slit before gripping his shaft and sliding his thick tip inside you.

Never would you have expected him to be so big. Your walls press tightly against him as he slides inch by inch into you. Your eyebrows draw together because it feels so good. Levi gasps slightly beneath you as you swallow him slowly.

"You're huge," you sigh contentedly as he's fully inside you, and you twitch your walls, his fingers buried deep in the flesh of your waist. His jaw seems tense, but his eyes look at you half-closed. His irises are no longer visible. "God, so fucking huge. We should have done this so much sooner. I think it's tearing me apart," you grin wide and happy as you feel a slight burn.

"If I had known how good you looked doing that, I would have fucked you sooner."

"Yeah, would you have?" you look deep into his eyes as you move upwards, his cock sliding completely out of you and you lower yourself back down onto him, "Do you like the way I ride your cock?" Your movements slowly quicken and you hear the smacking of your cunt as it swallows his cock again and again.

"Do you like the way your thick cock keeps digging deep into me?" He growls out and starts to come towards you. His hips thrust upwards, hitting you hard. As he does, you don't part your gaze for a second and it feels like you can glimpse his soul.

"Do you like the way my cunt milks you?" Levi digs one hand into the fat of your ass, pulling on it and baring his teeth. You dig your nails into his back as he changes the angle and bumps against your G-spot. The sounds of his balls hitting your ass and the mixing of your fluids grow louder. You become incredibly hot and start to sweat.

"Do you like the way I moan your name?" you add a long Levi at the last word and he stares at you like you're a goddess. His goddess.

"Fuck, you're so hot," he murmurs in a dry, heavy voice.

"That you ever thought otherwise hurts my heart." You ram your fingernails deeper into his back and pull at the skin, leaving deep marks.

"I'll never think anything else again," he groans up at you. By now you are no longer riding him. Instead, he holds you in place above him, your feet no longer even touching the ground, and he thrusts into you with a brutality that leaves you breathless. The knot in your stomach gets tighter and tighter and you bite his shoulder to stifle a scream. He fucks you like a madman, pressing his body hard against yours and enjoying the feel of your hard nipples against his chest. He tries to get even deeper, to push against your cervix, but the position is too shitty for that.

"That won't do," he groans, suddenly lifting you up. With his pants at his ankles and you in his arms, he walks back to the table, lays you down on it ungently and buries himself in you again. He grips your legs with his hands, rests them on his shoulders and increases his speed further. He fucks you into the hard wood of the table and puts his head back, moaning your name loudly. He comes so far inside you, you feel pain deep inside you. Such good pain.

"God, your cunt is so tight. I never want to feel anything else ever again." You open your mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Your breath has long left your lungs and your brain can't make anything up. Your little body is concentrating solely on how his fat cock is being pushed into you, how he is tearing your little hole in two and how incredible this feeling is. Because of this, you just mumble something to yourself, which makes him grin, "Suddenly I guess your mouth isn't so big anymore." Again, you try to say something, but it is in vain. Your head is full of fog and all you can think about is how he should thrust harder, even deeper, which is no longer possible, and how he should take you. You want him to ruin you, for everything and everyone. Every night he should do this to you so that you can never stand or sit again. You just want to be his little plaything.

"Good to know I can shut you up like this." His cock hits your G-spot hard and makes you see stars. You moan loudly and reach for something to claw into, but there's nothing. "Alright, I guess silent isn't quite the right word".

He's fucking you so well and you glare at him as he stares at you and you bite your lip, your breathing becoming more uncontrolled and you nod slightly at him to signal how close you are. He grins and you push your back through as he thrusts into you one last time and you explode, screaming his name and losing your grip on the earth.

That was probably the beginning of your death - and probably that of every other - but who knows for sure. The two of you were quite a force on your own, but as a duo you were invincible. Soon, word got out about what had happened. You could have tried to deny it, but it wasn't difficult to guess, since you were ever the only person allowed to disobey Levi and get away alive. Moreover, your loud moans could be heard throughout the building. Everyone should know that you now belong to each other. Your madness spilled over onto him. You had nothing left to lose - except each other and you swore you would only leave this hell together.

"Listen up, shitheads," Levi turns his attention to the people behind you and you follow his gaze, "we're going to do another round and secure the perimeter before we set up camp here for the night."

"Yes, sir," everyone but you shouts in unison and salutes. You roll your eyes.

Your gaze, on the other hand, averts and you direct it to the trees around you. The birdsong has died down and the wind has receded. The branch beneath you sways slightly again as Armin lands on it and turns to talk to Levi. You ignore them both and continue to look around. No wind, but the leaves sway back and forth. You close your eyes and concentrate. Far in the distance you can hear a river making its way through the ground. There is a faint smell of wet moss and it is all so peaceful. Far away you hear the tapping of a woodpecker looking for its food before it suddenly stops. You tear your eyes open and clutch the handles of your equipment. A moment later you see the bird fluttering overhead with a loud bird song. Your eyes fall on Levi and over Armin's shoulder he looks at you. He raises an eyebrow before your typical grin falls to your lips and his expression slips.

You shoot your hooks, which bore into a tree and you fly away. Behind you, you hear the shouting of others and more gas being consumed as you make your way through the forest. You build up speed and zoom past the many trees. You race in the direction from which you just heard the woodpecker. You hear a stomping sound that gets louder and louder the closer you get to it, before you see two huge figures running past you on your left. You didn't expect two, but that only means one more point on your kill scale. Your hands grip the handles of your 3DMG tighter and adrenaline rushes through your bloodstream. You draw in a deep breath through your nose as you suddenly change direction and race towards them. In the distance, you catch sight of your squad and see Levi racing ahead of them after you. He is stronger than you, but you are faster. He has left the squad behind with ease and does not look happy. His rage-filled face makes you feel like you're on fire and a shiver runs down your spine.

"Sorry," you shout loudly to them as you fly through the air and your hook bores into a titan's shoulder. You hear Levi yell your name, but you ignore him. Unfortunately, this distracts the two titans and they notice you. They stop and look around before spotting Levi.

The smaller titan is just under eight metres tall, the other about two metres taller, both of course abnormal. You whirl around the larger one and draw your swords, placing them against your small body, ready for battle. You hiss at his neck, but while he has not yet set his sights on you, the smaller one turns his attention to you and looks at you with wide eyes. He reaches out his hand to you. You curse loudly and drill your hook into a tree above you to get away from him quickly. It is just enough that when he closes his hand, you are not caught in it. Instead, your sole touches his huge finger and you push off against him in addition to putting more land between him and you. On the other side of the field, you see Levi whirling through the air, attracting the little titan's attention. He puts up his swords ready to fight, but you are quicker, get in his way and cut the titan's neck with a smooth slice. The first titan goes down, begins to steam and you are left with the larger one. As you fly through the air, you drill your hooks into his arm and pull yourself towards him. Just before you get on top of him you change direction and fly towards his shoulder. The titan looks around and tries to spot you again, but you are too fast. The next time your hooks hit a tree in the distance. You fly towards his neck, your swords just setting when your ropes suddenly loosen. The titan has lashed out, ripping them out of the tree. You tear open your eyes, more adrenaline finding its way into your bloodstream, your heart pounding against your chest. For the moment, your course is not altered, so your cut glides through him perfectly and he falls slowly to the ground. But you fall with him. You try to drill your hooks back into a tree, but apparently, he has damaged your equipment, so nothing happens. Panic shoots into your head as you get closer and closer to the ground. You close your eyes and brace yourself for impact before you hit the ground. Your air is ripped from your lungs, your body aches under the contact and the wind flies around your ears. You cling to the body against you and rest your head against its neck. Black tea and lemon. As soon as your feet touch ground, he sets you down and pushes you off him. You stagger back and see the faces of the rest of your comrades, who look at you in horror.

"What was that about, you retard?!" snarls Levi at you, and you see his tense jaw and the deep creases on his forehead, his lips pressed hatefully into a line, as he presses his eyebrows together.

"I don't know what you're upset about. I had the situation under control." You pat the dirt off your clothes, hoping he doesn't see your slightly wobbly legs. You take a deep breath and look up at him. That was more action than you planned. To be honest, the situation got out of hand, but you would never admit that - especially not in front of Levi.

"Under control?! You call that under control! You disobeyed my order!" he yells at the whole forest and you see Krista wince.

"I killed them, what more do you want? If you hadn't come, I would have finished faster."

"He almost killed you!"

"Right, almost," you grin at him and undo the straps of your equipment, letting it fall to the floor. It is no longer of any use and simply means more burden that you would have to carry around with you. You kick it lightly and it rattles. Everyone seems shocked, and Levi clenches his hands into fists. You bite your lower lip, "You were there, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but I'm not always, maron!"

"Yeah, and I'm good at taking care of myself in those moments," you stride towards him and place your hands on his tense chest, "Daddy."

You wink at him and the others almost skin it at your words. Eren is probably already thinking about running away before Levi takes his anger out on him. You stroke his shirt and he stares at you. His anger is immeasurable, but you can see something else mingling in his gaze and he relaxes slightly.

"You'll pay for that later," he murmurs and you lick your lips.

"I expected nothing less."

[luna-tormenta]

Lúthiena & The Fam Book Review: Urban Faery Magick by Tara Sanchez

This is my first witchy book review, please bare with me. It may not be the best review but, I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences, as well as some of my spirit family's opinions on it! Hope you all enjoy it! Thanks for reading💀🌙🌻

Lúthiena's Review

This book challenges the reader to "stretch their understanding of the world around them" (pg 7), and after reading, I believe it truly lived up to these words. Urban Faery Magick is dedicated to techniques, experiences, encounters, and everything in-between of working with and learning about the Fae in modern times!

Firstly, I would like to say, the title of this book should be "Modern Faery Magick" or "Faery Magick of Today", because it has a TON of information on working with the Fair Folk. Not just working with them in an "Urban" sense. Yes I know it says "Connecting to the Fae in the Modern World" underneath the title, but I just think it should have been named differently🤔🤷‍♀️

The first portion of this book, is all about techniques of meditation, protection, and how to build up necessary skills for communicating and working with the Fae. Such as working with your imagination to build up your Sight, practicing Pareidolia (the ability to see faces and shapes in objects), and dowsing for Fae activity. There are a bunch of techniques, that I will describe in a later paragraph! It also contains information on the Courts, names, and folklore surrounding these amazing spirits. Tara does an amazing, in-depth job with writing about the Fae, especially when in the case of working with them.

Chapter 3 contains detailed descriptions of basic techniques to aid the reader in their exploration of Faeries. It covers breathing techniques, rhythmic breathing and walking, and a meditation called "The Silence Between" (pg 42).

This involves listening to your heart beat and feeling your pulse to meditate (your heartbeat and pulse don't line up and there's a small pause between each.) While using this technique, it allows you to enter into the Otherworld through the slight pause, it's a neutral ground between our realm and theirs, it's "the silence between" both worlds.

Next in line comes a cleansing/grounding technique, called the Verdant Breath, which uses the aid of an Ivy plant spirit. In chapter 4, Tara uses this breathing technique to go a little further and work with this spirit to protect yourself. I really enjoyed learning the different techniques throughout this chapter, it was really cool to see new components I've never learned before. I have tried the Verdant Breath and have seen a difference in my ability to meditate. Next, I will be trying the Silence Between.

Teachings in chapters 3 and 4 are there to help you build up skills for further exercises and meditations that are placed throughout the entire book. Tara also uses these chapters to explain why it is important to build up your abilities before interacting with the Fae, and why it's highly recommended to protect yourself. Amongst these pages are different charms and amulets to use, as well.

Next we further our understanding of the Fae through chapters 5-7, and look into further techniques used in folklore and history. I really like Tara's use of history and folktales because she touches on bits and pieces of EVERYTHING, and knows when to stay in her lane.

The second half of Urban Faery Magick is my favorite. Tara introduces an elemental system known as Wu Xing, because not all Faeries "fit neatly into the boxes" of the five elemental system we know as witches, and I highly agree with her! (Pg 101) In ways this system is alike the five elemental system we know and frequently use, but is a bit different. I highly recommend looking into Wu Xing a bit further after reading Tara's book.

Leaving out Spirit of the western elemental system, Tara combines the Wu Xing elements with the 4 elements of our normal system, to create more categories for identifying and labeling species of Fae. I have included a quote of page #104 for a better understanding of how Tara classifies and combines the elements.

"Note: ...The manner in which my system combines the Eastern and Western systems follows a very similar process, with each of the Eastern elements combing to make aspects of the Western (or vice versa), as can be seen in the table below.

[Picture ID: Columns of the Eastern and Western elementals systems. Across the top are five boxes containing the words Wood, Fire, Metal, Water and Earth, each box contains a element. On the left side of the graph contains four boxes, from top to bottom, with the words Earth, Air, Fire and Water. The different element columns are combined. Top to bottom, under the "Wood" category, we have "Earth of Wood, Air of Wood, Fire of Wood, Water of Wood". To the right of "Wood", under the "Fire" category there is "Earth of Fire, Air of Fire, Fire of Fire, Water of Fire". To the right of "Fire" is "Metal". This category starts with "Earth of Metal" then "Air of Metal, Fire of Metal, Water of Metal". Next in line is "Water". Underneath we have "Earth of Water, Air of Water, Fire of Water, Water of Water". The last category is "Earth". Underneath is "Earth of Earth, Air of Earth, Fire of Earth, Water of Earth". END ID]

This was also my first ID description. Please let me know if I need to make any changes to it! Thank you!

Therefore a being who is traditionally considered a water elemental may well actually be earth of water. Or, as with one of the entities I have worked with, fire of water. Another being may be air of metal rather than entirely air. Yet another, earth of wood, and so on.

...For each element, we will follow a case study for a particular Fae, getting to know them within environments where you may have not have thought to find them." (Page 104)

The case studies are a mix of Tara's personal experiences as well as experiences of mutuals of hers, and range across a few generations.

Each element has its own chapter, and contains a lot of information about each element. Tara does "modern sightings" for the elements, as well as two case studies. There are paragraphs dedicated to aligning yourself with each element, which I wish were a little bit longer. She also gives lovely guided meditations to visit and learn about each element's realm. At the end of each element chapter, Tara concludes with "Finding Other Fae" which includes names of Fae species to be on the lookout for!

The only bad thing I'd have to say about this book is the paragraph on giving thanks to Faeries. It states not to directly say "thank you" or acknowledge them for helping you. I, and I state again, I believe in giving thanks to my Faerie friends. Plus, Tara kind of contradicts herself by dedicating a paragraph to "not thanking the Fae" then tells you, in a later chapter, to "thank the Fae you work with". But, I digress.

I'm super grateful to have come across this book! I highly recommend it to anyone who works with the Fae, as well as beginners, because like Tara says in the beginning, everyone can learn at least one new thing! I give this book 5 out of 5 stars!⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Spirit Family's Reviews:

Dawn, the Selkie:

"I really enjoyed the classification of the elemental systems combined. It adds a deeper perspective and understanding of Fae for humans to learn about us. This allows them to form a better viewpoint on our aspects as Faeries."

L, a Lunar Moth Faerie:

"I enjoyed the element system like Dawn, but got a bit confused on how to categorize Fae, like myself, who have planetary aspects. I wonder if Lúthiena will write to the author for me!! Other than that I agree the info gives aspiring AND experienced Fae workers a ton of info to starting and maintaining relationships with spirits of our kind. I also believe it is in our nature to urbanize and I like Tara's view on it. She should write another book!!"

Ly, High Lord Fae of the Night Court:

"The information provided in Urban Faery Magick is simply put and highly informative. As a High Fae Lord, it is my duty to join together with different types of Faeries, meaning I have met quite a few species. Tara adds great descriptions to each element she provides, and elegantly designed ways the reader can interact with each element. This is a must-read for anyone wishing to add a little magic to their lives, or is wanting to find a path into our world."

Tar, High Lord Fae of the Summer Court:

"Continuing off my friend's review, I would wish to add that Tara magnificently wrote Urban Faery Magick. You can clearly see the dedication she has towards working with Faeries throughout the pages. She must have a higher purpose of working with the Fae. I especially enjoy knowing she is teaching others about things like the Thorn Gates, since a lot of portals have been destroyed. Hopefully, thanks to Tara's book, they may gain the respect they once had."

Bo, a Boggart:

"Let's just say I did NOT like the stuff said towards boggarts. We are not house faeries gone wild. Yes, sometimes we have slightly irritating tendencies. But we always mean well to you humans. Other than that the book was great."

Hank, an Eyeball Demon:

"Even though I am no where near a classification of Fae, I have had many encounters with them over my many years. Tara has an interesting take on the modernization of the Fae species that is very true and real. I agree the titled works, Urban Faery Magick, should be on every spirit worker's shelf."

Dara, a Toddler Fae*:

"I really liked the story of Rumpleskillson. (Rumpelstiltskin). It was like so cool he could turn that stuff to gold. Maybe I can do that someday. Also, there's like so many stories of us in that book! El Cadejo was another cool one! If you like stories about us you should read that book"

*For those who are not aware, Dara is an experimental hybrid Faery. He was rescued from a Spirit Hoarder who enjoyed experimenting on faeries.

Ra, a Rose Demon:

"I didn't enjoy being called a plant diva, no matter how true the statement is.

The Earth class was slightly misunderstood as we are still here, thriving ever beautifully on. Some of us just choose to hide in your plants more carefully.

Like Hank said, I don't technically fall under the Faery thing either, but I am a plant spirit and Tara mostly depicted us perfectly. I mean she did write some pretty neat stuff." **brushes hair off shoulder**

Aaron, a Hellhound:

"This was a very knowledge filled book."

LA, a Dandelion Angel:

"Firstly, we're not ALL plant divas. We just really like things to go certain ways. Other than being called a diva, the pages of Urban Faery Magick contained useful information for Fae workers. I especially liked reading the Cairn exercise and how it instructed to build it at home, NOT in nature. I also agree Tara should create another magical read like this."

We hope you enjoyed our reviews!

For more information on Urban Faery Magick please visit:

Search "Urban Faery Magick" on Amazon

Www.TaraSanchez.com

[gingus-doon]

pov u just shot your childhood hero, wdyd

i.e. i ramble about keiji post-shooting; his occupation, what he does, how he copes, how he feels, etc. etc.

just putting this little thing here because the post got quite long and i couldn't split it up because it's all somewhat related. it started out as a rant / informal ramble but then it got serious lololol

—

one thing i don't understand is why people hc keiji as still having a job with the police post-shooting? like that just doesn't make sense to me– not only based on his character but like... why would you wanna make him a cop with all the talk of how much the police suck lately? personally i'm a brown bitch so i couldn't be down with thirsting over a cop lol. it's just kinda confusing sjdhd

i've seen the hc of him as a private investigator, though, which i like! it's a very neat way to let him flex his detective skills without being part of a corrupt organization and without forsaking his own personal beliefs and feelings about the police, because i don't think those would change anywhere near easily and i just kinda can't see him going back into the police force because of that.

i have often wondered what keiji would do after the death game, and what he was doing before the death game or after the shooting, because i think he'd definitely quit after the shooting, with all the grief and trauma surrounding the job and his newfound cynicism.

i don't think he'd be doing private investigation before the game, or more specifically, before his character develops into something reminiscent of his old self– as he is at the start of the game, he just doesn't have that faith in protection, so i can't imagine him being an investigator at that point. HOWEVER, in a post death game OR non-death game au where keiji has started to pull himself up from that tar (most likely with the help of others lol) i think that's definitely a plausible option for him and i like it a lot :]

as for other options, though... i really don't know! this is more of a stupid idea but i considered him working in a convenience store like shin lol. i had a whoooole au about him, kai, and shin working in the same convenience store just because they can't hold down any other jobs / don't know what else to do for work. shin is able to actually hold down the job because the last manager was mysteriously taken out of commission (i don't know lol) and they were ridiculously short-staffed already so shin ended up being the "most qualified" for the now vacant position. keiji's had a string of odd jobs since the police and this is just the next one. he's hoping to find something with a better wage but this'll do for now, it's even in walking distance from his apartment. and kai, kai's trying to exercise more independence from the chidouins' after becoming his own person! so he gets what i think would be his first job (well, his first official job, anyway... being an assassin and the chidouins' personal maid were more unofficial gigs lol.) ahh that was a lotta rambling about my dumb little au but i just think it'd be neat, they're three of my favourite characters so having them just vibe with each other at work and become friends sounds nice 2 me :] also Coincidentally i ship literally every combination of those three characters so that may have played a part in my casting decisions lmfao

oh wow that was a really long and uncalled for synopsis but this is just a rambly post so it can't really be uncalled for because this post doesn't have any particular point lol (A/N after writing this— IT HAS A POINT NOW, DISREGARD PAST ME)

SO ANYWAY ! i was just considering what keiji would do right after the shooting. honestly i have noooo idea, it's the beginning of a long road of him burying his trauma in a desperate attempt to avoid facing the pain it brings, and it marks a profound loss of innocence which makes his heart begin to grow cold. it's just hard to see the beginning of the process when where he started and where he ended up are very different places.

obviously, he'd quit his job. i wonder if the hallucinations would start right away? him being naïve in the beginning, i'm sure he'd acknowledge them– cry out apologies and plead for forgiveness until his throat is hoarse. the rule of hallucinations in yttd seems to be that if you acknowledge them, they'll burn themselves into your brain and you'll never be rid of them– implying that keiji has done so, as it's likely been years since the shooting and he's still suffering from the visions despite seeming to ignore them now.

ahh, i'm getting in my feelings about keiji now 😭😭 when i started this, i wanted to be held by him, but now i just wanna hug him like damnnnn

but back to what he'd do after the shooting– this scenario is self indulgent, but wouldn't it be nice if he took some time off and just stayed at his mom's place for a while? help her with chores while she's at work, try to regain a sense of normalcy in his childhood home...

i don't think he'd be able to do this right after the shooting. keiji had shame, once upon a time– the guilt would rack him like nothing else. i can imagine him spending a lot of late nights with alcohol, just wishing it was a dream. his resentment towards megumi slowly building as he feels he's being left in the dark as to why, why he isn't allowed to atone, why she's being so cold towards him about the shooting when he's suffering so heavily from the effects of it.

he wouldn't want to be around his dear mom as a murderer, and as a resentful alcoholic who's coping very poorly with his circumstances.

also (tangent incoming), i kind of wonder about keiji and alcohol a lot. in his fondness events with mishima, he says the following—

the "haven't drank that much in years" part makes me wonder– for how long? did he start to restrain himself before the shooting or after? i would say it's most likely after, considering the "feels like it'll swallow me up" comment he made soon after. and, how he talked about binge drinking when he was still a newbie. perhaps it was fine for him to do so, before the shooting— he'd just get wasted and flirt, have a good time. but after, it morphed into an inefficient coping mechanism which he fell far within the depths of to try and control the worst of his grief and self hatred. after that, heavy drinking couldn't just be for fun anymore.

i assume in the "before it got this way" comment, the "way" he's referring to is how he doesn't drink much anymore? or, he could be talking about the depression drinking, but i think the prior makes more sense.

even though i think, given keiji's example of drinking with megumi, that he could have gotten blackout drunk a couple of times purely for fun pre-shooting, i think here he's referring to the painful side of his relationship with alcohol here, the part that took place when he was trying to cope with his trauma. i think he brings up the story of drinking with megumi immediately after, then, to avoid talking about that part of his past. though he doesn't show it much, i think he's deeply ashamed of himself. not only of what he's done, but how he's handled it afterwards.

on a lighter note, though, it's quite funny to think of Lawful Good young keiji shinogi getting drunk off his ass and flirting with every woman he comes across willing to flirt back. like, what's up with that??? he seems like such a serious dork in the flashbacks, but doing well in his police job, he just... lets loose?? no no, honestly i think he hadn't drank much before going out with megumi and he took her insistence on him drinking a little too far, and with his inexperience with alcohol and the successive lack of self restraint that comes with each new drink, you get casanova shinogi, lmao.

BACK TO THE SERIOUS STUFF THOUGH !! i really like the idea of him going to his mom to help him pull himself back together. i think they'd have a solid relationship, fight me! he seems to adore his mom as a child with a good single parent usually does. i'm sure he appreciates her immensely for all the care and love she managed to give him when he was a kid while also working her ass off to support them financially. this very respect for her is what i think would drive him to isolate himself from her after the shooting– as i said above, he's a murderer now. a disappointing human being in general, and an even worse son. to let down his mother who worked so hard to raise him right... how could he? as his condition worsens and his heart grows colder, i'm sure that feeling would fester inside of him. he'd try to ignore it, as he does with everything else, but it's already wrapped its tendrils around his soul. that particular guilt isn't leaving him any time soon.

now that i'm thinking about it, also, i don't think it's likely that he'd quit his job right right away. it'd be more of a slow descent over the span of a few weeks. immediately after the shooting, he may stop showing up to work for a while. he just can't put on that uniform when it's practically caked in the blood of someone he held in such high esteem for so long. eventually, though, he gets a hold on himself– just a bit. he doesn't want to be cooped up in his apartment with his thoughts anymore, and he doesn't want to lose his job. what else would he do?

so, he takes it easy on the first few days back. megumi tries to make it easy for him. paperwork, whatever job he could do that's not on the field. he clings to her like a wounded puppy, hoping that she'll explain why she's covering it up when he doesn't want her to, what he's supposed to do with these feelings around the incident. he's drowning, and she's made herself a big sister figure to him– she's supposed to help him. but, she shrugs him off when he brings it up. she's so harsh about it compared to how she usually speaks to him. perhaps because of her own guilt around the incident, perhaps it's the family's response and how keiji is now, how panicked and sleep deprived the poor kid has looked since that day.

so he continues to spiral with nothing to hold on to. grasps at alcohol in a futile attempt to stop falling, because it's all he can think to fall back on. he's a wreck at work– he's barely living, much less working. but megumi tries her best to keep him from getting fired. she'll get him coffee and breakfast and try to say something encouraging. "hey. hang in there, shinogi." with a touch on the shoulder. but in spite of her efforts, of course, it hits a breaking point. everyone in the job thinks keiji's too damaged to continue, saying he either needs to see a shrink or get the hell out of the way and let everyone else do their job.

and keiji just stops coming into work one day.

the downward spiral ensues.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hey! So I found your blog awhile back and I've read through your masterlists. I just had to say, you're a phenomenal writer. Seriously, you manage to somehow make everything so immersive and get me emotionally involved every single time. Reading anything of yours is a wonderful experience. You've written so many different prompts and I?? am amazed. I was kind of curious about what genres/tropes you like the most? Since you've written so many, I'm really curious lol I hope it's not strange to ask

There's definitely a lot of different kinds of tropes and scenarios that I enjoy reading about. I know that like, big slice-of-life is always a favorite of mine. You just can't go wrong with those stories that's for sure. I definitely like Slow Burn when it comes to romance simply because I like the catharsis of reading through someone's slow realization where they just hit a wall and go "Oh. Oh." Honestly, there's so many things that I like to read about that it is kind of hard to limit them to just a list of a few things.

The thing that I enjoy most about being able to write in general is being able to experience emotions that I might not be able to cope with in real life. Writing gives me a place to channel those emotions into something and let them out. When you are writing something you are putting a piece of your soul into it.

It counts. It matters. It shows. Well, I'd like to think that it shows. I put everything that I'm feeling into what I'm writing no matter how silly The Prompt is. It's just important to me. Half of the time, it may not be about the type of story that it is, it's about the emotion that is imbued into the story. I definitely love Hurt/Comfort stories because that delicious form of catharsis just Sparks home.

I definitely enjoy stories where people are thrown into the midst of things that they may not be prepared for but they simply learn something throughout it to confirm themselves. I have always been drawn to stories like Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, God, the list can really go on. Isekai or portal fiction has always been a comfort staple of mine. I love reading stories where you're whisked to another world. That's actually the kind of story that I started writing as a child and it's consistently a theme that I have used until today, and I still use it. Those are the most enticing to me and they're the ones that I'm attracted to the most. If someone can make a really good Universe than I can't help myself but to imagine myself in it. That level of immersion helps me get better insight into writing and the process.

I definitely don't think that I'm super talented or anyting but I will say that I have spent a lot of time working to get to this point. Nobody inherently understands how to do something right off the bat and it takes time to learn how to build that skill. If you're willing to read any story and give anyone a chance when you're scrolling through a tag or when you're looking through AO3, you might find a great concept but someone who's just starting out. It's good to give encouragement to those people because it will help them continue to craft their skill and get better every day. Writing, art, any skill that you have comes with passion and time.

Writing for me is like immersion. I have sort of explain before the method to my madness and how I learned to get a grasp on the characters. I spend a lot of time curating their personalities through study. I talk when I write. It becomes a form of acting and performance. It helps me to better understand what's going on in their minds if I'm reading aloud. There's a reason why you read with passion and vigor when you're trying to tell a story to a child because they don't know the depths of the emotion. That never really goes away. So, I spend a lot of time speaking as I'm writing and I realize that there is a method to my madness but it sounds crazy. I've shared some of my voice recordings here before! I put on playlist I've made for that character, I let it play, and I start to speak as I'm talking and the music and the words give me emotion.

I do a lot of character studies. I'll take screenshots from the game and I will literally write down notes for what they must be feeling in that moment and I always waste a lot of time trying to figure out what it feels like. A part of better understanding characters comes from better understanding yourself. If you can correlate an emotion that they are feeling into something that you can feel, it's easier for you to be able to channel That Emotion into your writing.

I think I still have a long way to go because my works are still flooded with spelling errors and sometimes other kinds of errors. But, haha, I'm no professional, and I'm my own editor. I do appreciate that you've been lurking around and that you like to read what I write. Writing has been the thing that has grounded me my entire life but I feel like I've dedicated a lot more time to it in The Last 5 Years and I think that it shows but I don't know.

I'm not really big on dialogue. I think if I can make you understand the scene then words aren't always what you need to make a conversation. I think that imbuing the emotion is much more important. Someone can tell you that they love you, but can you describe the feeling around you and the setting as it's happening? Because emotions are such a palpable experience that words cannot often contain their expression. If that makes sense.

Also, I think that it helps that I don't know how to shut up.

[powerovernothing]

What animal would you most associate with Korbin and why? (I can't remember if I've asked you this, so forgive me. I just want to let sissy gush about her characters~)

Oh, what a very interesting question, my dear Mistress Sis! Of course, considering it was sent in from you, I shouldn’t be surprised! You always find such unique things to ask about, and it always puts a smile on my face to see you intrigued about my characters and wanting to hear more details in depth!

Also, no, I don’t think you’ve ever asked me something like this before, but even if you had and it was buried within my rather messy tags, I wouldn’t have minded taking the time to answer it a second time for you! As you know very well how dearly I appreciate and adore it when you send me stuff like this~

In any case, and after a little bit of time contemplating on my own and with my Elder Scrolls buddies, I do believe if I had to choose an animal to best be associated with Korbin and fit with all of his many quirks and traits, it would most likely be a wolf. A light grey, or a white wolf, actually, to match with his messy hair that often helps him to stand out better.

If that catches your attention, and you seem interested to know more, you can read all my reasoning’s for such a choice down below~!

(*~*Lengthy Rambling Based Around Wolf Related Character Traits Underneath The Cut!*~*)

Oh, where to even begin? Well, in the most stereotypical way to identify with the wolf, I believe it would be how Korbin spent several many years on his own as a hunter. Honing his skill in the art of killing, and doing all he possibly could to survive and have enough to last until the very next dawn rose over the mountain peaks, or city walls.

In fact, it was because of his art in killing, as well as his skill in stealth, that garnered the attention of The Dark Brotherhood in the first place. So, in many ways, despite him being the lone hunter much like a wolf, it was when Lucien came to his side that his second – and perhaps most obvious –  resembling traitcame into fruition.

Being how Korbin is, without a doubt, incredibly pack minded. Meaning, of course, that he would much rather spend his time surrounded by his loved ones, and those he considers his chosen family, than having to be in a situation where he would have to be alone. Within the presence of those whom he loves, that is when the better part of his true personality slips past his mental shielding and clearly shows itself

He becomes affectionate in all manner of touch, playful with seemingly boundless energy, and quite childish to an endearing fault. Much like how a wolf would go from being a predator whilst hunting their prey, and then turn around and become almost like an excitable young pup around their packmates.

Thus, with that actually in mind, another thing Korbin has in common with a wolf is how undoubtedly loyal he can be. Or rather, just how incredibly loyal he can be to his superior in a chain of command.Allow me to explain a little more in detail. You see, in the First Timeline – meaning the one that closely followed the canon of Oblivion’s storyline, and ended with both Lucien and Martin’s deaths – Korbin actually went along with the Purification of the Cheydinhal Sanctuary upon his brother’s order without hardly any trace of regret or remorse.

He did so, because he was so indebted to Lucien for what he had done by bringing him into the Brotherhood, what he had given him by dubbing him his sibling and welcoming him into his family, and how he had saved him from his own personal hell of struggling to survive.

He followed Lucien’s every word, his every order, to the point where he often was at his side even long before becoming his Silencer, and rarely took the time to get close to anyone within the sanctuary until the order came to murder them in the hopes of ending the supposed betrayal before it even began. And when Lucien gave him his new title, told him it was an honor without equal, and went to explain how he cared for him… Korbin was more than happy to become the Beta to Lucien’s Alpha.

It’s a trait that continues in the Revised Timeline just as well, even though several things have surely changed. Honestly, Korbin would never personally consider himself a leader of any kind – even though he is actually one of the heads of the Cheydinhal Sanctuary – as he finds the concept overwhelming, unfitting even, and would much rather stand at both Lucien, and Martin’s side, as their second in command than anything more.

Now, the final traits Korbin shares with the wolf are most likely how he can go from extremely gentle and affectionate, to incredibly dangerous and ferocious in a split second depending. Especially if he believes there is a threat of, or actually witnesses, any harm befalling his family. The moment you lay a hand against someone he cares for… is the moment you not only lose your hand, but also your life before you realize the extent of your mistake.

After all, this is a man who went into a deep rage, and brutally slaughtered the four responsible for his brother’s death when he walked in on the aftermath of what they had done in the First Timeline. And, when he confronted Bellamont once more the second time around, he willingly tapped into Shegorath’s Madness to toss the man who caused so much heartache into a endless cycle of his death for all entirety.

…And that is not at all bringing up the times when his siblings are overwhelmed, or taken by surprise upon the battlefield – he once stood his ground in front of Lucien’s unconscious body, took several arrows in the process of doing so, then went about ripping them out of his flesh, and using them for his own in retaliation – or when some fool speaks negatively of them within earshot.

To say that Korbin is just a touch protective, even overly so, of those he cares for is certainly an understatement, wouldn’t you agree?

Ah, goodness! That ended up far longer than I expected it to be, but considering this was actually in response to a wonderful message from my dear Mistress Sis, I honestly couldn’t seem to really help myself, and I got a just bit carried away!

I’m quite certain there are plenty of traits and characteristics I am probably missing, some of which are most likely incredibly obvious, and I will probably beat myself up over for forgetting because of my terrible memory, but even regardless of such, I really hope you enjoy the answer I gave you, love! As you can tell, I really had a fun time writing this up, and going into detail about my dear boy Korbin, and the different aspects of his character and his various traits!

So, even though this may have ended up a bit lengthy, and there are things you may not understand at first glance, I still hope you have a good time reading this over! Thank you again, so very much, for sending this fantastic question my way, love! Like I said at the very beginning, I always get so excited whenever you get curious about Korbin or his siblings! Because it always means so much in so many ways, and I dearly appreciate it each and every time!

I hope this sates your curiosity in a satisfying way! But, feel free to send more questions down the line if you start wondering about something else! Anyway, tons of hugs and kisses for you, babe! Just as always and forever!

[eternallybroken7604-blog]

We have been up for 2 days. I accepted years ago that this has to be part of my life. He's a package deal. But I am so tired. I do it with him. Idk y. I don't enjoy it most times. But I'm also afraid and to sleep while he's up. I learned not to the hard way.... A part of me wants my life back. My before life. But I know it will be the fight of my life. And I'm not ready. I sometimes tell myself that this was God's plan. I believe that each of us have at least one person that they are mentally to impact in some way and set in motion a positive path. Or bring a lost soul to God. God made me strong and brought me this man. He had to put me thru it to equip me to be wha this man needs. Maybe I'm the only one capable of sticking this journey out with him and bringing him out other side with me. That's why my addiction is so odd. My husband gets locked up from time to time, and when he's gone, I don't do any dope, I smoke my weed. But with the dope, he does my shots, from start to finish. He twirls the bowl. I don't want to know how. I tried once, he got arrested at the end of an 8 month horrendous, traumatizing bender. Suddenly my person is gone and I've been up for weeks. I tried to do it myself. I had the audacity to tell him about it at visitation, because he has always hated doing my shots. He feels enough guilt over where my life is and where it was. He's scared that bnb if I die, he will go to prison. So I always take sure my prints are on it too. He's not ready to even see that he needs to change. I can see that it weighs on him sometimes. And he will want to do better. But then he has no way to stop the guilt, the pain, self hatred. The high and associated relief are his constant and a very erratic life. I'm aware of all this and more. I'm aware I could be completely wrong and he really is just a piece of shit junkiethat destroy a family by joining it. I can't even fault him for that. My kids adored him. And he them. He had a family finally. He was know where near ready to be a step dad. But he gave it an honest try. Then again maybe I just rrwa lly ne ed there to be a greater purpose beh9nd all this, losing my babies, my self respect, my family. Everything.

I can't hate him for being selfish and out for number one, it's all his life has really ever been. I can see what drives everything about h, I study him cause I have never met someone that level of addicted. I cant explain why his thought processes fascinate me, I have to study them til I understand them. Which is hard to do because it's so complex and I'm juggling moneyissues, homelessness, the hustle, him in general, and the dope. The more I learn him, the more pity I feel and I cant leave. I love him to a fault, but I am not ready to abandon him to his demons. He won't survive it with any sort of sanity. He would argue with me on that but it's the one thing I believe with no doubt, he does need me. I think he knows it deep down. He knows I'm 100% on his side. Even if he dont like how at times. He knows I'm real. Even if he tells u I'm not. It's like his pride and years of telling me in so inferior refuse to allow him to recognize anyachievements, no matter the size. I know this but I forget every time we fight, cause it's his defense mechanism with me, it's about the only thing that works. He will reach I to the depths of cruelty and verbally destroy me. He knows what hurts me too. He has left scars that will never go away. I will never forget his eyes and voices and the feeling of my own pain at things he has said. My first husband beat me, that's not how u hurt me. The act of being able to hurt me, that really hurts. My now husband has gotten physical a few times. I cant hate him for it long because I see how much he hates himself for it. But that pride tho, he wont apologize verbally, but he will show me best he can that he's sorry. He knows I deserve better. He went thru a phase where all the blame was put on me for not leaving when it first started, woth the dope and us losing the kids. I tell myself I pushed him too far. It's no excuse I know. But I know how much weighs on him daily, and when substances are u introduced, well I am the embodiment of a large portion of his pain and stress and guilt. I forgive him because I know he's not mentally able to deal with all that and day to day life without help. To stubborn to ever agree with me but I just k ow I'm right. Cant explain that but it's never led me wrong. I shoulder as much as he will let me. And getting high and drunk and my mouth can sometimes push him too far, exacerbates things.

I knew he was a 'recovering' addict when we met. But he only smoked weed when I met him. I thought all that was his past. I didn't mind weed. I didn't personally smoke when we met. I was a divorced mom to 3. We were all finally happy and stable after my horror of an ex-husband. Idk y I fell in love with this man. But I did. He was my first serious relationship in the 2 years since. I never even missed sex, I wasn't lonely. I didn't miss that kind of love until...I was reminded.

8 mos later, we have a place together with my kids. Then a neighbor moved and offered my husband dope. He hid it for a little bit. But I picked up on his different behaviors and made him tell me. Then I wanted to smoke some too. I'd heard of Meth. But I grew up very sheltered by a pill head. I didnt know that when this gorgeous man told me he used to be an addict that he meant thousands of dollars and many hears of hardcore IV drug use. Herion, bar salts. His drug of choice was simply, more. He named his addiction Maria. He needed that relief so badly that once he discovered its power to 'fix' things, he personified his addiction. Maria has been his stability. Shes lways there when everyone else let's him dow. I can understand the desire not to feel. So badly u wanna die. But I was raised different. U can be weak, but dont stay weak. .

But by the time I realized that he didn't recover from his addictions, he fled his former home state and had no access to those things here. He was big on the run big ti.e qhen we met. Hes a hardened city boy. I'm a small town countrygirl. He let me smoke with him. A week later, hes got a needle. I have never seen a pill snorted. I wanted him to let watch him and he did. Seeing the man I love so in thrall to drugs, it broke my heart for him. Women pray to God to see a man look at them with that look. His addiction borders worship. As I write this we are also high with a few friends, he just finished fixing his shot and has decided to ask them to film him. I cant keep going. Thats bothers.me and ill to tore up now to try to figure out my feelings. So I'll wrap this up. My emotions are going every where and I really hate him like this. I hope he watches his video and hates himself. I love him and wint leave him to feel all that guiltalone, that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to feel most of it. God knows I feel my fair share. I promise myself one thing, I will not live like this forever. I'll keep looking for my way out. I'll keep praying for strength to leave. Or for God to open his eyes. I know better than to preach too much at him. He usually shuts down as soon. as he realizes what I'm saying. But I still try. He doesn't know it yet, cause he has never felt it before, but I love him enough for this. I will win this fight. Even if he hates.me in the end. (Forgove any typos, I'm intoxicated and when I get adamant about a topic, I type too fast)

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

Sticks and Stones

To all the women who comment on how feed my baby, or ask whether I'm due another, or pass judgment when my baby is put down in the changing rooms and can’t keep their comments to themselves, this one is for you. After all, why seek advice from those close to you or those you trust, when you can be offered unsolicited and unwanted advice from a perfect stranger?!

I never used to care what people think. Yes I would get annoyed or pissed when someone said something and probably have a rant, but I was brought up to be polite so most of the time was so shocked if someone was rude, I was stunned into silence. Since becoming a mum, I hate this part because now I constantly seem to wonder what people think. He screams when I burp him ‘I promise I'm doing this to help him.’ I give him a dummy - ‘that will cause problems with his teeth and speech;’ I put him in on his own early and I started weaning him earlier - ‘that’s not what the guidelines say.’ Why do I care?! I’m Cailean’s mum, I know what’s best for him and it’s up to me. 

Most of the people I refer to in the introduction are, sadly for them, old boots as I like to call them. In their 60′s plus who believe they have a right to comment or judge. They don’t actually do anything to help or support, they would prefer to give their opinion or even criticise. Take for example an instance at Waterbabies. There are around (or were) about 8 of us in the class. All mummies who have babies no younger than 12 weeks. Whether it’s our first, second etc doesn’t really matter. Now I have been extremely lucky to have Alex there 6/7 classes so there’s someone in the water with Cailean, and then the other person dries him. I’ve only been in the changing room dripping wet and trying to get Cailean dried and dressed on my own once. Most of the mums in my class have done that every single class and I take my hat off to them - you’re wet and freezing but you don’t even look at a towel until the baby is dried and dressed. The changing room was practically empty and I decided to try and put the swimwear in the drying machine. Cailean was in the middle of this central part of the changing room which was circular and we used to change all the babies. I was 1, maybe 2 feet from him watching him the whole time.This old lady then raised her eyebrow at me quizzed me on ‘is he not rolling yet? I wouldn’t be leaving him like that.’ As my mum pointed out, why couldn’t she have offered to watch him to help me?! Knowing I was on my own?! I was quite blunt: “No he’s not and I’ll worry about that when he can.” My polite way of saying sod off you stupid old woman!! In the same changing room a week later, another old cow reported my friend to the manager for putting the nappy in the wrong bin. I mean really?!?! Give us a bloody break!!! 

There is a lot more about social media now about ‘bump shaming.’ People commenting on the size, shape etc of a pregnant woman’s bump. “You’re tiny;” “You’re huge;” “Are you sure it’s not twins?!” “You’re going to go early.” I always got the latter three but I wasn’t particularly bothered as I knew I was big for my frame. The irony is, I was on track to have a 7lb 10oz baby on the 7th of April, and that's exactly what happened. An average size baby (though quite long) born on his due date. However, as much as I liked my midwife, I think I've previously mentioned that she described my bump as weird. I was certainly a bit uneasy with this description, given my midwife is close to retirement. She suggested that this might be the way I carry all my children. When she saw me after Cailean was born, she said she couldn’t understand where he was hiding, as it wasn’t as if he was particularly small. It didn’t really occur to me that the ‘big/weird’ bump would actually cause me any real problems.

If I was described as ‘star’ in labour, then I can only be described as an epic failure in postpartum recovery.  Everything had gone so well, there had to be something to bite me on the ass.

I think I previously mentioned I was seen by two community midwives the day after I came home from hospital. One was clearly more experienced than the other. While she saw to Cailean, her colleague checked me. When she felt my stomach, she frowned and went to get her colleague. Her colleague felt my stomach and gave a nod - “yes you can feel all the way down to the intestine and bowel. Were you told about muscle separation?” I explained yes but only at  36 weeks. “I'll drop in a tubi grip for you to wear during the day until your 6 week check.” I asked do I have to see physio? “No this should be fine until you see your GP but if you do, they’ll refer you.” Okay then.

I had been experiencing back pain which is no doubt caused by the lack of abdominal muscles to support my lower back. As I have described, I have a diastasis recti which is where the abdominal muscles have separated due to pregnancy. The abs are the only muscles designed specifically to separate, in order to accommodate a baby and the uterus during pregnancy, The human body is amazing and I don’t think you fully appreciate how amazing until you’ve been pregnant and given birth. However, sometimes the muscles don’t return to normal after pregnancy and leave a gap. The gap is measured in fingers - how many fingers are there between the left and right side post birth. It’s also measured in depth.

As you can probably guess, mine is massive. It wasn’t measured accurately until I saw physio and did a 121 Pilates session. I could tell it wasn’t great when I was in the bath - I could put my hand on my tummy and it just keep going and going down as I pressed. It seemed to have a life of its own in the water but hearing from the midwife that it was all the way to my intestine was rather shocking. I knew I couldn’t do anything until I saw my doctor at my 6 week check and hoped they could tell me more.

Just for anyone who has high expectations for the 6 week GP check - being the only check you get specifically for you and not your baby - don’t. My GP didn’t have a clue why I was there. I was allocated the standard 10 minute appointment everyone gets, and I had to tell her what I wanted checked. When I said I wanted referred to a pelvic health physio, she seemed to not know how to do this. She said ‘I suppose I'll just write a letter?’ You really do experience the best care during pregnancy and labour and immediately after birth. After that it’s all downhill from there!! 

I didn’t want to any exercise at all until I had seen a physio. Lots of people offered advice and exercises they did to reduce the gap etc, but I wasn’t prepared to do anything until I was seen by a professional, as I wanted to exercise safely. I had hoped to see my physio in July (3 months after I gave birth), but had to wait until the end of the month. I had booked a 121 Pilates session and was told some things that were safe to do. It’s all relative, but that instructor assessed me at 5 fingers, telling me it was likely to be 6-9 months minimum to get back to normal. It would be a long process but I would probably benefit from joining a class with the owner who was post-natally trained. 

I saw my physio shortly after. Her assessment was even more grim. My gap was 7.5 FINGERS WIDE and not just that, very deep. She could get her hand pressing down past her knuckles into my stomach. She measured it from the top to the bottom where my uterus would have been. She even brought another issue to my attention - I had an umbilical hernia and my belly button would now stick out until I had it fixed. I felt like I could cry. Yet another issue that was rearing it’s ugly head now I had given birth. Oh and the likelihood would be I would need surgery, but a General Surgeon would probably only agree to do it after I had finished having children. It might go down as my stomach did, but might not. Fabulous!

She said given how bad it was, this recovery would be at least 9 months - 1 year to try and get the gap closed as much as possible, as there was no guarantee it would go back completely. She asked was I not seen on the postnatal ward, and why was I not referred by my midwives. I explained it wasn’t even really picked up until weeks before I gave birth and then I was given a tubi grip. She was disgusted. It sounded like I had been royally shafted, judging by her comments. I should have been seen at the hospital, and at the very least, I should have been referred by my community midwives and not had to wait until my GP check. A tubi grip (unsurprisingly) had done very little if nothing at all for me and she was appalled. I told her how I thought I had a strong core, considered myself a fit person and had no idea why this had happened. She told me that despite how bad the separation was, she could tell I had strong obliques (the muscles on the side of your abdomen) and despite how strong I felt my core was, it could happen anyway. She asked me what I did at the gym and what I wanted to get back to. I explained I regularly did HIIT and cardiovascular classes and exercises. I think given the way I had fallen through the net, and my clear fitness prior to my diastasis, she immediately told me she would see me the following week but would give me exercises to do in the meantime. It was almost like she wanted to get me started as quickly as she could to get me back to recovering. I was to do the exercises 4 times a week, then also go to my Pilates class.

She also measured my stomach. 90 cm circumference, even 3 months after giving birth. That hurt. I always had in my head that I would be one of the people who sprung back to my original size post-pregnancy. I hadn’t put on any weight other than my bump and although it was massive, I genuinely was all bump and nothing else. People I saw who put on loads of weight were literally in their jeans pre-pregnancy a couple of weeks later. I have no idea if this is coincidence or not, or whether this plays any part in it, but I've found anyone I know that has a C-section seems to be back to their pre-pregnancy size quicker. It may be pure coincidence of the people I've met, but that’s just my experience. As they say though, every pregnancy is different, so even with the same mum, two pregnancies might be entirely different. 

The following week when I saw my physio, she measured me again and I had already gone down 2 cm in tummy size to 88 cm. She said the gap was still as bad, but that wasn’t unusual given it had just been 1 week. She said the tension even from standing appeared better. She gave me a few more exercises and I was up to 6 exercises within a week. When I saw her next, I measured 86.5cm and the gap was slowly starting to close. It’s still massive across the middle, but dropped to 3.5 fingers at the top, 3 at the bottom, and was still measuring 4.5 in the middle. This is just going to be it now for the foreseeable future - physio every few weeks and exercises and Pilates every week. 

Sometimes it’s too much to do physio and Pilates in the same day but that’s unfortunately when all my appointments fall due to my physio’s hours, coupled with the only Pilates class that had any space. Pilates has been great. The instructor is so knowledgeable, and has taken the time to really know my treatment from the physio so she can modify my exercises in class accordingly. It is frustrating however. I did boxing training, body combat, functional, circuits etc previously at the gym. I could do full press-ups, planks, sit ups, the lot. Now in Pilates, any time I hear the word ‘plank’ or ‘engage your core’ I sit still until I get my own exercise. Don’t get me wrong, I have to engage my core, but I can’t overdo it because essentially there is no core there.

I’ve been asked if it hurts. Generally, it doesn’t. However, there are times, like with any muscle worked, I can be easily fatigued, or I can get cramps after working hard. I can’t lift anything too heavy. (Try telling that to my growing baby!!) When I engage my core, I have to draw in as much as I can but cannot do anything to the point where I lose the connection. I once tried to do table top into toe taps. Basically I was lying on my back with my legs above me. I was to drop one leg so it was almost 90 degrees and stop. I misunderstood and did alternate toe taps. I’ve never seen so much panic in my usually very chilled Pilates instructor. I clearly wasn't meant to do that!! That’s how frustrating it is. I can’t even do alternate toe taps!!!! When older women (well into their 60s) are doing planks, and I'm told to do hand hovering, I struggle mentally with that. I hope it’s not forever, but I'm impatient to get back to it.

I have just had my most recent physio appointment and I'll be honest, I've been in a bit of dark cloud. This was the biggest gap between appointments since I'd started physio - 4 weeks. I was determined to break the 1.5cm deadlock. I hadn’t managed to make any of the Pilates classes but to make up for it, I had done my exercises 5 times each week. For some reason before my appointment, I felt nervous. I had to take a few minutes in the car before I went in to tell myself to chill the hell out. When I went in, my physio did her usual measurements of my actual stomach. 0.5 cm. WHAT?!?! I couldn’t understand it. She then got me on the bed to measure the gap. No change. WTF?!?!? I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I was gobsmacked and said I didn't understand how this could happen. This just didn’t make sense. I asked her the question that has been weighing heavy on my mind since I started. Would l ever get better, or was there a chance I could stay like this? When she confirmed my worst fear I felt like I'd been hit by a sledgehammer. That wasn’t what I wanted, nor hoped to hear. She looked at me and told me to blurt out what I was thinking. I just sat with my head in my hands refusing to believe that this could be happening. I asked if there is any chance that the delay in being seen had contributed - she thought it probably had. I swore inwardly. I had been royally screwed over by the very people who I couldn’t praise highly enough during my labour and birth (not those specific midwives - this is completely nothing to do with them). She asked me to go through again who checked me the following day. I told her bitterly how it had all been about breastfeeding and then I was seen by student midwife (!) who only checked to see that my uterus had contracted before I was discharged. I asked (though I already knew the answer) - could I see a PT who was postnatally trained? She shook her head. Could I use a stronger theraband with more resistance? She shook her head. Could I do anything other than the exercises? She shook her head. I could have cried. She asked me if I planned to continue with Pilates and I said yes. She agreed it would be beneficial, but at this point, how beneficial we don’t know.

My physio is now trying to get me an ultrasound to accurately measure the gap. During the appointment she said it might be the case there is significant herniation preventing the muscles from coming back together. I certainly have an umbilical hernia, but she now considers there might be even worse underlying issues. She also thinks I might need to consider surgery to fix the gap. That is major abdominal surgery which has a longer recovery time than a Cesarean section (12 weeks I believe). The key thing is I can’t have it done until I ‘finish’ having children. We haven’t confided in many people when we want to have more kids but she is one person I've told based on the fact it could impact her treatment. She is adamant this won’t happen again, because she will see me antenatally, and I'll likely be in a tuba-grip from 12 weeks of pregnancy onwards. I will continue doing exercises, antenatal pilates, and likely be taped. Postnatally, immediately after birth, I'd be seen at the hospital by her or her colleague and then treated again. However, despite all of that, there is chance the gap could be even bigger this time, depending on how much we can reduce it now.

She told me there is a band I could wear but it may not do anything at this late stage. I’ll be honest I'm still in shock. This all just happened yesterday. I didn’t cry in the appointment but got back to the car and just sobbed. How could my beautiful baby boy have caused such a major physical problem? He wasn’t massive, he wasn’t ever really in a bad enough position, there was only one of him. My physio thinks being slim, I have narrow hips so Cailean being 7lbs 10oz was big for me. I told her I don’t want to look pregnant when I'm not pregnant. Short of making a sign to hang around my neck, I'm sick of the comments, I'm sick of the looks people don’t think I see them give me when I walk past, as their eyes flick to my stomach. She too has been in my position but she doesn’t look pregnant. She pointed out it’s clear I've always been slim so it looks more obvious on me.

She basically told me, she has no idea if the treatment I get will work, and if it does, progress will be very slow, but we’re going to carry on. I’m just finding it very hard to feel positive or even have the motivation if it stops working. My appointment yesterday turned out to be more therapy than physical therapy. Due to the comments recently, I've had quite a bad few weeks. She suggested apart from the referral, she thinks I should see someone about it. I told her I knew there was a team for birth trauma. Basically, if you have a traumatic birth, you can speak to the consultants/midwives that looked after you to get clarification, closure and to talk through what happened to try and process things. I asked my physio if there was such a team that might be able to help me. My birth couldn't have gone better if I had planned it - but the physical impact that has since been missed is without doubt starting to impact on my mental and physical well-being. She pointed me in the direction of Patient Relations initially. I don’t particularly want to complain about the midwifery team but at the same time, I don’t want it to happen again, and I don’t want it to happen to anyone else. I’ve already had a confirmation email to say this has been passed to a Patient Relations Officer. I’m hoping to discuss my postnatal care with this person and find out what can be done so I don’t go through this again next time.

Separately, I've been having issues with my episiotomy scar. I think there is scar tissue causing me sharp pain and have been referred to Gynaecology. I have been told, they may laser it off or even fashion me another episiotomy and then stitch me again. Fantastic!

I don’t want anyone to think I'm ungrateful. Cailean is 100% worth everything that has happened to me. I know there are worse things than what I'm going through - I've been through worse things in my life. It’s just that this is soul destroying for me at the minute and after everything I've already been through, I don’t think anyone would blame me for feeling the way I do. At this point in time, I cannot be gracious to those women who just jump back to their previous size. People complain about stretch marks, or excess skin or their new body shape. I’m sorry but I would kill for that right now. I look pregnant AND I’M NOT!!!

This has all happened within the last 48 hours. If my ‘recovery’ has shown me anything - when it rains, it definitely pours...