#i've never felt this heartbroken over stupid Valentine's Day before

[thelazybooknook]

y'all deadass don't understand how fuckin salty i am right now like holy shit i've never been this upset about valentine's day before but today was just absolute buns and balls goddamn

[risaomine]

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dyingxdream

January 25 2008, 12:55

Background of the person I am today

I've had a total of 4 relationships my entire life. The first infatuation was when I was a freshmen in high school. Needless to say, it didn't work out and I eventually got over him. I talk to this guy on ocassion, and there's always going to be that "almost could have happened" deal but he was the one who taught me that giving somebody all you have, and investing time, energy, money, etc, can sometimes all be for nothing. I dont hold a grudge against him, because if I wanted to be let down easy by any guy, it would be by him. He was a sweet guy, and I still think about him, not in the "I want to date him" way but when I'm remembering days long gone.

My first real relationship was the summer going into my junior year. Yea I was never big on having a new boyfriend every week to feel accomplished because I was active in high school so I didnt need any further distractions. Well had dated over 7 months. We talked marriage, and attending college together. We didnt have the same future goals though; he wanted to live on a ranch, I wanted to eventually live in the big city. He was overly jealous, and a bit conceited, but I still fell for his school boy charm, and quick wit. Our eight month anniversary was going to be on Valentines day. He broke it off six days before and I was heartbroken. I lost all my dignity trying to persuade him to take me back. I'll admit I acted like a damn fool. We met up to "talk" on valentines day, and we were really close to getting back together but he changed his mind and so we played the game of cat and mouse again. I wrote him a ridiculous love note, which he of course, shared with his closest friends. I then became depressed, and stopped eating. I almost fainted from being so weak at times, my grades dropped, teachers noticed a change in my behaviour, and I became obsessed with death. I would take triple the recommended dosage for more than one type of OTC drug, and I started cutting to let my emotions out physically rather than emotionally. I felt alone, used, and stupid. I should have learned my lesson the first time. I had very supportive friends then, and they understood that a quick trip to starbucks or a shopping spree just wouldnt cut it.

One thing I didnt mention yet was, the night my boyfriend had broken up with me, I was over at a friends house spending the night. I thought it would just be a normal girls night in, but after being dumped and publically screaming "what the fuck, why are you doing this to me?" for everyone in her neighborhood to hear, we just went back to her house. I cried for a while, then wiped my tears away and pretended to be fine. Her boyfriend of a year came over that night. It started out innocently enough. Her dad wasn't home, because he was in the military and called away to duty so she had the house to herself most of the time, and her mother had left her father a few years ago so she basically had to grow up fast. The boyfriend had an idea that a threesome would be great. I didn't feel comfortable about the situaton, but he was a cocky dickhead who said "I bet you wouldnt do it anyways." Stupidity and my competitive side took over, so I kissed her, and that was that. That was the first and I hoped the last time I'd make out with a girl. (Nothing wrong with being bi-sexual or lesbian, but subjecting someone to like a certain gender isnt right. For me, kissing a girl is wrong. For the next girl, it might be right.)

Well, the night didnt get hot and heavy like most threesomes but I left feeling easy, and trashy. I cared for my friend but I never wanted to interact with her boyfriend again. I avoided spending the night at her house for four months. Then one night, I had planned on spending the night at my other friends house, but she had a curfew so we met up with my friend and her sisters friends planning a crazy night. Some guys had been invited over to their house, since her dad was out of town yet again, so I knew there wasnt a chance that her boyfriend would there since he was the very jealous type. Well eventually the guys left, my friend fell asleep, and I ended up on the living room couch watching a movie. I recieved a text from my friend but it wasnt a usual message. It was from her phone but her boyfriend had written it. He told me to go to her room so we could have another go at it. I told him I was watching a movie. He was persistent but I held my ground. He then did something that suprised and intimidated me. He came out, turned off the dvd and pushed me into her room. At first I sat on the other side of the room, he was trying to butter me up telling me I could come closer. I kept my distance then he got up and made me go on the floor. I was still across the room and didnt budge, then he brought blankets down to the floor and thats when I knew I was in trouble. In all the commotion my friend (the one who I was going to originally spend the night at) woke up and came into the room. It was dark, and she was groggy. She asked what they were doing, and why I was in there. I wanted to tell her to turn on the light, grab me, and leave ASAP. Unfortunately my friends boyfriend yelled "get the fuck outta here" and locked the door behind her. Escape at that point was futile. He had managed to get in between me and the door so I was trapped now. He told me to kiss my friend. (I knew he had an abusive past, and when he didnt get his way things could become scary.) So I listened. Once again, it was all wrong. All the emotions pent up from the past year; the anger, frustration, betrayal, disappointment, and hatred were the only emotions that coursed through my veins. I felt like a whore, what's worse I was more his whore, I was no longer myself. Now some people might say, you could have slapped him, left the room, and called it a night, but there was much more psychological damage that had been done.

Some people might also say, it was just a kiss.. but that kiss represented the breakdown of the person I had worked my whole life to be. I was a strong, independant, no nonsense, self respecting high school student, who now cowered in silence and hated who I had become. Last time I got off on just kissing my friend, but this time he wanted more. He wanted to go all the way. My friend had lost her virginity over a year ago, I had never lost mine. I only had a body, but no heart, no soul, and no voice to call my own. He started to undo my pants, this was the most humiliating moment I had experienced. He started to pull them down. He only had his boxers on, and my friend only had her bra on. There were street lights outside, but my world came crashing down and everything was dark. He knew I was still a virgin. He wanted to go in but I gathered enough courage to tell him no. He tried to kiss me, I wouldnt let him. He was my friends boyfriend, and even if she was in the room I'd call that cheating. My friend had been on the bottom, I had been on top of her, and he was on top of me. He gave up on trying to put it in, and directed me to lay down beside her. He started to try and kiss me again, but he only got my cheek because I would turn away. He started to finger my friend, then he started to finger me. I won't forget the pain that shot through my body. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This guy wasn't my boyfriend, he wasnt my friend, and he was hurting me. His breathing started to get heavy and ragged, she started to moan..all I could do was to try and not think about what was happening. He went in his boxers, and his breathing went back to normal. He said, "You liked that didn't you?" I wanted to scream no you stupid bastard," but I remained quiet. He got up and I looked for my pants that had been strewn across the floor. I quickly put them on and left the room. It hurt to walk, it hurt to think, so I did the only thing I could, I slept. It wasnt a fitful easy sleep, my brain was still awake to listen for any audible noises coming from the other room. I didn't want to face my friend or her boyfriend.

Before all the other people in the house started to wake up, I shook my friend awake, and told her we needed to leave. She looked at me sleepily and we got all our things, and left the house quietly. We had told her mom the night before that we were spending the night at my house, so we couldnt go back to her place this early, so we settled for the shopping mall across the street. As we were coming close to the entrance, I sat down. I winced in pain because it still hurt. She wondered what was wrong. At that point, I broke down. My friend knew something was wrong because I never cry. Finally, after gaining some composure, I told her about the night when my boyfriend had broken up with me, and that first time with my friend and her boyfriend. Then I told her about what had happened last night. Profanity and disgust rang loud and clear. She put two and two together realizing that she was so close to being my saviour the night before. She wanted to go back in time, and tell my friends boyfriend to "fuck himself" and promptly leave the house. I know it wasn't her fault, I know we couldn't go back in time, and save my decency. All the shops were still closed because it was still early, so we settled for a 24 hr convienance store where we bought cheap alchol to numb the pain. My friend did what was probably the best thing any friend could do which was listen. She realized why I had put so many emotional barriers up. This was the real me, broken, lost, hurt, alone, and only a fraction of the strong, confident, outspoken person I had been only a year ago, or was percieved by others. Only a few people know about this story, I hardly let people in because one way or another people have this tendency to leave. If a person has no dependance on anyone else, they dont gain anything, but if a person does depend solely on other people, then they lose everything. That's the truth about life.

To this day, I rarely go back to that dark place. I try to put it in the back of my mind, where my deepest darkest secrets and insecurities lie. This is the horrendous ugly part of me I don't want anyone to see. I honestly don't blame my friend for what happened. If only I had spoken up, maybe all this could have been prevented. He was abusive and intimidating so she feared him. I am no better than she is because I too, didn't stand up for myself. I know that there have been countless other women with horrible stories, and mine was only a mere taste of how bad it can get..but this is my story, my regret, my pain, my disappointment, and my burden to carry for the rest of my life. That teenage girl who couldn't stand up for herself four years ago has become someone who won't let any man walk over her. My past makes me into the person you see today.