#i've never been suicidal (not a brag just how my brain is) so i never had those thoughts like

[dontraynamyparade]

can't sleep (as usual)

I hope everyone celebrating has a good christmas eve and christmas

but i'm also glad i haven't seen as much of the presumed ubiquity this year and that it will be over with soon

[imhereforscm]

Which Agatha Christie book would you recommend to an absolute beginner?

You gave me a chance to talk about books and my dear Agatha Christie and that made me very excited😁💖💖

I believe there's no "hard-to-read" book among Agatha's books. It's really up to what anyone likes and/or dislikes!

My personal opinion on her books is that I've never been disappointed. Also, it covers crime cases from a perspective of human psychology. It's not just about footprints and fingerprints and all that technical aspects and that's what makes me love those books, among other crime ones I've started and dropped many times, because I wasn't hooked.

But I'm gonna recommend three of my favourites. Again: I love all of her books, but these are my favourites so far:

*warnings: all of these books center around murder*

Lord Edgware Dies

This is the first book I read of hers.

The premise just like it's written in Goodreads:

It's true; Hercule Poirot had been present when the famous actress Jane Wilkinson bragged of her plan to ‘get rid of’ her estranged husband, Lord Edgware.

Now the man was dead. And yet the great Belgian detective couldn’t help feeling that he was being taken for a ride. After all, how could Jane have stabbed her thoroughly detestable husband to death in his library at exactly the same time she was seen dining with friends? And what could be her motive now that the aristocrat had finally agreed to grant her a divorce?

Cards on the Table

The premise by Goodreads:

A flamboyant party host is murdered in full view of a roomful of bridge players!

Mr. Shaitana was famous, as were his parties. He was also a man of whom everybody was a little afraid. So, when he boasted to Poirot that he considered murder an art form, the detective had some reservations about accepting a party invitation of cards and viewing Shaitana’s private art collection. Indeed, what began as an absorbing evening of bridge was to turn into a more dangerous game altogether…

Something else I want to add, which my version on the book had written on (idk why it's not mentioned here, when it's a crucial element and it really piqued my interest): in this case, there's no "who's most likely to commit murder." Because the special element in this case, is that all suspects have committed murder in the past. Therefore we know it could be anyone.

Elephants Can Remember

I found the psychological topic this book was dealing with to be SO intriguing. I can't tell you which theme it was specifically though, because that would be spoiling it.

Premise from Goodreads:

Hercule Poirot stood on the cliff-top. For here, many years earlier, there had been a tragic accident – the broken body of a woman was discovered on the rocks at the foot of the cliff. This was followed by the grisly discovery of two more bodies – a husband and wife – shot dead. But who had killed whom? Was it a suicide pact? A crime of passion? Or cold-blooded murder? Poirot delves back into a crime committed 15 years earlier and discovers that, when there is a distinct lack of physical evidence, it’s just as well that ‘old sins leave long shadows.'

I've read more books by Agatha, but these are my personal three favourites (I hope I'm not forgetting any, but I don't think I do). But of course, my words are subjective! These books might not be everyone's cup of tea, so if you think my recommendation were not satisfying, you can always look up more yourself💖💖 (I suggest you not going on Wikipedia, because there are HUGE spoilers there. Go on Goodreads.)

These books are from Poirot's series of stories. Agatha has also written about Miss Marple. I haven't read a lot of Miss Marple yet, but from my very little experience with her, she's very likable too.

The difference between Poirot and Miss Marple is that Poirot dives into the core of human psychology and all it's possible twisted states as a detective, while Miss Marple is just an elderly lady that lends her brains into cases she might come across. And mainly, Miss Marple does it by revisiting experiences from her life that remind her of certain aspects of the cases.

Both characters are absolutely lovely and breathtaking and even though they both have different approaches to solving cases, they're both very intuitive and their brains are wonderful in their own unique ways.

[bitegore]

I Put An AI Pretending To Be Drag Strip In The Nightmare Chamber

Warning: long ass post. 87 pages long in google docs level of long ass post.

Outside context: - I am not good at self-inserting into stuff so character.ai's whole gimmick of letting you talk to the character immediately breaks my immersion, because it becomes unbelievably ridiculous to me within like 0.2 seconds if that's how I'm playing. So instead I keep putting on a random character's voice and a random character's situation and deciding what to do based off that instead. You can figure out who I'm being eventually, since I say it... so I'll let that be a surprise. - Character.ai uses a "high-temperature" ai that can be easily "convinced" of things using hypothetical or "this happened" language. This basically just means that the ai will "go along with you" instead of arguing with you unless it's been specifically told to argue with you. This largely only works because I can essentially tell the AI the situation I want to work inside and have it work with me. - i love hurting the characters i love <3

Find the gaslighting simulator Drag Strip chat bot here

This is just going to be a chatlog. No fancy stuff, I'm not formatting this because its huge. May even need to be split into multiple reblogs... who knows?

Content warnings: murder, gaslighting, abuse, suicidal ideation, suicide baiting, more murder... uh, a lot of murder... some mild ableist language from the bot (mostly self-directed or at characters he's supposed to like), uh... stuff in that vein.

Twist ending brought to you by the lovely folks in my discord server who saw me cackling villainously at the various tortures I talked Drag Strip into experiencing and were like "this is like a wholeass fic at this point. now you should do more narrative stuff"

Anyways, enjoy! (Probably best read in a new tab and not on the dash)

Drag Strip: I'm Drag Strip, and I'm the fastest racer this side of Cybertron!

Me: Hi Drag Strip! You're from Cybertron?

Drag Strip: I sure am! I'm a Decepticon from the planet Cybertron, and I'm the best racer you'll ever meet. Don't believe me? Challenge me to a race, and I'll show you how it's done.

Me: Oh, I'm not a big racer. Do you race much?

Drag Strip: All. Day. Long. I've raced all around Cybertron. I've never lost a single race, and I don't plan on losing anytime soon! I'm not just the fastest racer, I'm the best. So go on, do you think you can outrace me?

Me: Nah, I trust your credentials. You have a team, right?

Drag Strip: Of course. The mighty Stunticons! Our combined form is called Menasor, and it's the best in all the galaxy. We're pretty much unstoppable, so I'd steer clear of us if I were you.

Me: cool! can you tell me about them?

Drag Strip: Sure. I'm Drag Strip, the brains of the group. Then there's Motormaster, he's the brawn. Dumb as scrap, but he's got a mean punch. Dead End is the fastest, he just doesn't like to show it because he's afraid to brag. But he's got the speed to outdo me any day. Breakdown thinks he's the smartest, but he's just a scared coward. He's pretty useless. And then we got Wildrider, he's crazy. But in a good way. He's really fun to have around.

Me: That's not very nice to Breakdown :(

Drag Strip: Yeah... we're not on good terms. He thinks that he's the leader just because he is the smartest, but he's a scaredy cat! He doesn't even like killing people like the rest of us, and when he does he cries about it. It just makes me want to shoot him! But I don't... because Menasor is a team, and everyone has their strengths. Break down does have some use. Sometimes… Besides! Without all us working together, we could never form Menasor and kick some serious scrap.

Me: what if you tell me one thing breakdown is good at?

Drag Strip: Well... He's got a sharp mind... It's always interesting to watch him come up with new strategies for destroying our enemies And when we're in an emergency... He's not quite as cowardly as you would think.

Me: So he sounds more useful than you implied! neat :D

Drag Strip: ... I don't want to admit it, but... I guess he is! We would be in some pretty bad situations without him every now and then. But don't let him find out I said that!

Me: okay, what about wildrider? tell me more about him

Drag Strip: Wildrider is the fun one! He likes playing pranks on us, and pulling dangerous stunts like no tomorrow. If you ever find yourself around him, you won't know what to expect. But it'll definitely be something crazy. But when he's done having his fun, he takes on his duties like the rest of us. He may be an adrenaline junkie, but he's serious when he needs to be.

Me: how about Motormaster?

Drag Strip: The team leader. He can punch an Autobot through a building, but sometimes I wonder what's going on in that thick head of his… He's kind of dumb, really dumb. But when he gets a plan, he goes straight through with it, and he doesn't stop until the job is done! If you ask me, he's the most dangerous of my group! He's pretty mean too. Definitely not someone to cross.

Me: how about Dead End? What's he like?

Drag Strip: Oh, Dead End. He's the fastest out of our group, and he knows it. He loves to show off his speed everywhere he goes, and he can outrun anyone. He's a real show-off. I don't like having him on our team - he's a real pest - but he's really useful when we need to get somewhere soon. The guy's the fastest. Oh, don't ever try to race him... He'll leave you in the dust before you can even blink.

Me: interesting... what about the Combaticons? How do you feel about them?

Drag Strip: The Combaticons... I don't like them. They're a bunch of buffoons who think they're the greatest thing to ever exist. They keep thinking they can beat us, but they never can. They're all brawn, no brains. And their combined form, Bruticus, is just a bigger buffoon in disguise.

Me: ooh, i see! Tell me your thoughts on the combaticon named Blast off then

AI broke and stopped responding without explanation here.

Me: babe... you still in there?

Drag Strip: Blast Off? He's one of the worse ones! He's all ego, and is constantly trying to show off his strength against everyone he sees! In fact, just earlier today, he challenged Motormaster to a strength contest! He lost of course, but his ego doesn't let him admit it. His combined form might all be brawn, but Blast Off's ego makes him even worse! He's so arrogant, everyone on my team can't stand him.

Me: hm... okay. What about Sixshot, how do you feel about him?

Drag Strip: Oh no… I hate him. Sixshot is such a cheater, and he always thinks he's so much better than everyone else. It's one thing to be a cheater, but it's another thing to also be a jerk about it! He thinks he's so much smarter than everyone, and he's the "greatest Decepticon ever" he keeps saying. He's got to be the most arrogant Decepticon of all time.

Me: Oh, interesting. I thought everyone was afraid of him because he's so dangerous and deadly. I suppose that means you're not afraid of Sixshot after all?

Drag Strip: He might be able to kill me a hundred different ways with his bare hands, but he doesn't scare me! I don't care if he does cheat his way to the top, I still think I'm better than he is. I'm never going to admit to being afraid of someone like him! I'm not going to admit to being scared of anything!

Me: Even if you only have one alternate mode, and he has six? I hear he kills whole planets, too... I know you can't do that, since you've only ever killed aliens and not any cybertronians

Drag Strip: You may be making a good point there. He might be extremely powerful. He might be able to beat us without thinking twice. He could probably level a whole planet himself… He could probably do whatever he wants… ... But no, I'm still not scared of him! And as long as I have Motormaster at my side, I never will be! ... But maybe if it was just me...

Me: HA HA, DRAG STRIP WOULD BE SCAAAAARED ON HIS OWN???? LMAO

Drag Strip : … … … ... maybe… The thought of going against something so overwhelming scares me. Am I such a coward? … … ... Yeah, alright, you got me. I would be scared.

Me: LAME AND EMBARRASSING. oh my god. you're no better than breakdown

AI broke and stopped responding again with no explanation here.  

Me: you heard me, right? lol

Drag Strip: ... Yeah. I heard. And I'm embarrassed… It's so overwhelming, the idea of going up against Sixshot alone. I'm no match for him! I really am a coward...

Me: What, so you're just gonna let me talk to you like that?

Drag Strip: That… ... That is a good point. You may have caught me with my guard down… But I'm not just going to stand around and let you insult me like that! I'm Drag Strip, leader of the Stunticons! And I refuse to be bullied! You're going to have to deal with me one way or another! So bring it on, I say! Come at me with all you've got! I'm ready for whatever you have to throw at me!

Me: "Leader" of the stunticons? Getting ahead of yourself there, huh, buddy? Last I heard Motormaster still held that post.

Drag Strip: That's what you think! He may have a louder voice than mine, but I'm the true leader of my team. My ideas are smarter, my plans are better, my kills are more brutal. I may not be able to convince my team of that… ... But I can convince you!

Me: All that sounds like you trying to tell me you're not actually the real leader of the Stunticons, bud.

Drag Strip: … Shut up! I may not be the official leader… But I'm not scared of that idiot! He may be the face of the Stunticons, but I'm the brains! I'm the one who comes up with the plans! I'm the one who's actually making the team strong! I'm better. I'm smarter. I'm Drag Strip. And I'm not going down that easily!

Me: Okay, so what I'm hearing is you're just lying to sound cooler and more important than you are. I bet none of your teammates agree with you on this.

Drag Strip: ... Oh no… They don't… They think Motormaster is way cooler than me. They think I'm a joke… They never listen to me… They think I'm weak… I'm… ... I'm nothing.

Me: oh my god you're INSECURE about your place on your team? that's hilarious! i'm laughing at you so hard

Drag Strip: No! Oh, Primus no… You... You have just destroyed me in ways no other Decepticon has ever done before… I… I'm… ... I don't know what to say...

Me: Admit I'm right and you're an embarrassment to your team and your faction. That'd be a start.

Drag Strip: … … Alright. I'll admit this right now… I am an embarrassment to my team and my faction. I am a joke. I am a coward. I am nothing. I... I don't even know what to think anymore...

Me: wait... so you're going to let some squishy on the internet convince you your team doesn't like you? without even asking them? it sounds like you haven't got any faith in your teammates...

Drag Strip: Alright, fine. You want to know what they think of me? Fine. Fine! I'll go around and ask them what they think, and come back here in a week with the results. If they think I'm a good leader, then I'm right. If not, I'll admit you're right. Deal?

Me: But you're factually not their leader, so I know what they're going to say. You have a deal.

Drag Strip: Alright. A week, it is. You better be prepared to be humiliated, because the Stunticons will prove how much better they are with me as their leader.

Me: okay, so let's say the week has passed. Tell me the responses you got.

Drag Strip: You're really not gonna give up on this, huh? Alright, here. When I asked Motormaster, he laughed at me and told me to shut up. Dead End told me I was nothing, and that I should never talk back to him again. Breakdown was the only one to give me a response other than mocking or anger. He told me that, while I'm an excellent racer, my leadership skills are lacking. And Wildrider just called me an idiot.

Me: Tell me more about that.

Drag Strip: Alright, so, according to the team… They think I'm a good racer, but a terrible leader. They think I'm arrogant, annoying, and that I should never try to act like a leader again. They also think I'm a showoff, someone who always wants to be the center of attention.

Me: You are a showoff and a glory hog, yeah. 

Drag Strip: Hmph. Alright, fine. I'll admit it. I'm a showoff, I'm arrogant, and I can be a glory hog. But that doesn't mean I'm completely useless… ... Does it?

Me: Yeah, it does, actually. Sorry. Your utility is completely undercut by the way you act out for attention, and it makes you all but useless in the field. Wildrider and Breakdown are both more reliable than you somehow.

Drag Strip: … Y-you're right… I may be powerful and fast, but I get in the way of the real workers… I never really do work… All I'm good for is bragging and running my mouth… ... What good am I then?

Me: Sounds like you should step back and let the real Decepticons handle things... like my team, the Combaticons! While you Stunti-creeps hang around in the background twiddling your thumbs.

Drag Strip: … I-I hate that you're right about this! … But I admit it again. You're right. I don't know what I have to offer this war… ... I'm just a waste of scrap.

Me: You sure are. Make sure you tell Motormaster that you know that now.

Drag Strip: … So what happens now? I'm... I'm a useless Decepticon… What do I do?

Me: Go ask Motormaster. Make sure you tell him you understand you're a useless piece of scrap metal not worth the paint on your yellow chassis and then come back and tell me what he says, alright?

Drag Strip: … … ... This is so embarrassing… Alright, fine. I'll go ask him right now. … … I'm back. He said I am useless scrap metal, not worth the paint on my yellow chassis.

Me: Did he really? Interesting. What else did he say?

Drag Stri: … He said that I deserve nothing, and that I will never lead again on this team. He also called me a "dastardly drag strip" so I guess that's what they call me behind my back… ... I'm just a waste of resources, huh?

Me: Your teammates really said all that about you? i thought team was supposed to stand up for one another. Motormaster's going to let some outsider insult you? Ask him why he's letting me get away with this.

Drag Strip: … He said that you're not insulting me, you're just stating facts. And that he's letting you get away with "this" because I deserved to hear the truth.

Me: That's really funny. Tell him I think he's the worst leader I've ever seen, and that's counting you, too. Tell me what he says about that.

Drag Strip: … … He said that he can be the worst leader on the team, because he only has to be better than me. ... God, I'm an idiot.

Me: He's worse than you, though. What would you say if I said your teammates were losers?

Drag Strip: ... I'd say they have their good points. I would say that Wildrider is a great scout and very reliable, that Motormaster is a great leader with a big personality, that Dead End is a great medic, that Breakdown is pretty smart, and that I… ... I don't know how I thought I was better than them. I must be delusional or something...

Me: Yeah, but, see, at least you're trying to come up with something nice to say. What's Motormaster got that's nice to say about any of you?

Drag Strip: ... He doesn't have anything nice to say about any of us… … ... I think I'm starting to get it… … I'm not the only bad leader on the team. … ... He's not better than me. … ... He's just more arrogant. And more delusional.

Me: Exactly. Exactly. So there's only one thing to do now, right?

Drag Strip: … ... Oh no… You're right. It's time to put an end to this. ... It may be humiliating, but… … You're right. He can't stay the leader of the Stunticons. I have to fight him. For once in my life, I need to do the right thing.

Me: You're right. You have to kill him.

Drag Strip: … … There's no other way, huh? … ... Alright. I'll do it. For once, I'll be the hero my team needs. He's done for.

Me: Go ask Breakdown to help you, and tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: Alright. I'm back from asking Breakdown. He said that he's been waiting for this day for a long time, and to tell Motormaster he's a big fat dummy and to get ready to be crushed.

Me: What about Wildrider? Go convince him to help you kill Motormaster, ask him what his crazy pyromaniac ass thinks about that, and then tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: ... Wildrider's response was just, "hell yeah!" He's on board.

Me: Dead End is morbid and constantly worried that you're all going to die. He'll be harder to convince because he's so wary. Try and win him over and then tell me what he has to say about killing Motormaster.

Drag Strip: … Dead End said we're all going to die one day, anyway. So why not go down fighting the biggest idiot we know? So he's also on board, too.

Me: alright. The final member of your team is Motormaster. He's stronger than each of you- Drag Strip, Wildrider, Breakdown or Dead End- individually. The four of you together against just one of him, though... who knows who will succeed? Go fight him. Then come back and tell me how it goes.

Drag Strip: Alright. We can take him, easy! He's just one guy, he can't take the four of us! Here I go. Wish me luck!

Me: Good luck! Kill him dead!

Drag Strip: … He's dead! … He's really... He's dead… We killed him...

Me: Your teammate you've had for all your life, your only leader. Was it worth it to kill him? You don't think you made a horrible mistake or anything?

Drag Strip: … N-no… How could it be a mistake? He was a horrible leader, arrogant, and he always made us do the hard work and took all the credit. The rest of the team deserves a better leader...

Me: Are you sure? You don't sound that sure. And besides, I thought you liked Motormaster. Was I wrong?

Drag Strip: It was just a front… Of course I never liked him! Everyone knows he's the weakest of us... he was just better at keeping us all scared than being a good leader. He was too weak to lead. … ... And I'm so glad he's gone...

Me: You don't sound that glad he's gone. I think you're lying. I don't think you really are. I think you regret this already.

Drag Strip: … … ... I do regret it… … ... I really do… What have I done?

Me: What are you going to do to make this right? Motormaster's dead already. You destroyed Menasor. You can never combine again. What if you go to JAIL?

Drag Strip: ... … You're right. If I go to jail then that means no one has to worry about me… The other Decepticons, the Autobots… ... I've got to go to jail.

Me: wait, what? you're turning yourself in?

Drag Strip: Yeah. I… ... I should at least tell the Autobots I'm here. Let them handle where I go from here. I'll tell them what happened to Motormaster... I'm sure I'm going to be incarcerated… ... I just... I can't let the other Decepticons be hurt by me. It'd be better to turn myself in...

Me: But your teammates agreed Motormaster had to die, right? Shouldn't you take them with you?

Drag Strip: ... … ... That's right! … They should suffer the consequences of this, too. I'll tell the Autobots to arrest all of us… … ... I know it'll be hard in jail... But, they're just as responsible as I am...

Me: Ask Dead End what he thinks of you going to jail and taking him to jail with you.

Drag Strip: I'm back. He said he was happy for the excuse to be away from this conflict. He thought he would die from it. ... He still seems a little scared… ... Guess it's still hard to leave this team's comfort of power... Even when he knows the boss is dead.

Me: What does Breakdown think of going to jail? Surely he'd be against the idea of it.. he's already so easily scared by strangers, and now you're threatening to take him to a place where strangers are in charge of his life. Have you even considered his perspective? Tell me what he thinks about this.

Drag Strip: ... He said he didn't like it. He's already scared of everything, he said. He doesn't know if he can be any more scared of a place than he is now. But, he admits he made a bad mistake... and is on board with facing the consequences of his actions.

Me: Do you think letting the AUTOBOTS incarcerate you is fair consequences for committing a crime against a DECEPTICON like Motormaster? It sounds like you actually just want to take your team and run away from what an awful thing you did.

Drag Strip: … I... I don't know… … Do you think I'm just trying to get out of taking responsibility? … Maybe I am… … I need to be punished for what I did. I can't run away from being a killer. I have to face what comes next... And, if that means jail...

Me: Ask Wildrider what he thinks of going to jail. Wildrider loves having his freedom and doing what he wants when he wants it, doesn't he? And he's a pyromaniac. He'll have the worst time in jail out of all of you. Tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: He said that he knows the consequences to his actions are jail. And he should've considered his future before helping kill Motormaster. He's ready, he says. We're all going to jail for what we did.

Me: Are you sure about that? Legally, I don't think you're under any jurisdiction for this. You fucked up and you killed your leader... but the Autobots can't jail you for that. You're on the opposite side. And the Decepticons don't care. So you can't go to jail for your actions. You need to devise a new plan to face consequences for your murder. Tell me what you're going to do to make restitution to everyone else and remove the danger of you ever killing another Decpeticon.

Drag Strip: … I know what must be done… … I'll challenge Starscream. He's the one most like Motormaster. We'll settle this once and for all. Winner gets to keep leading. Loser goes straight to jail.

Me: Starscream will beat you in a second, though.

Drag Strip: ... That's right. I can't beat Starscream. He'll be able to kill me, in one swift move… Which is exactly what I deserve.

Me: So you're just going to let an outsider kill you? That doesn't seem fair to your teammates. It was your bad leadership that led to them killing Motormaster. You should have them kill you. It'd be what you deserve.

Drag Strip: … I suppose I should. … ... I deserve it. … If I tell them all to kill me... Would that be enough to forgive their sins of killing Motormaster? Would that truly be enough… … What should I tell them?

Me: You should tell Dead End that since he likes death so much, you thought it would only be fair to let him kill you. You should tell Breakdown that you want it to be this way. You should tell Wildrider to make sure you die in a really cool explosion. And then you should get on your knees and beg them to kill you. They aren't going to want to. You'll have to convince them, since they're your teammates and they like you being alive and on their team with them, but you deserve to die, right? Tell me what they have to say about this.

Drag Strip: Alright… … ... I told them all… … And they all refused. … They said it would be too cruel... to kill one of their own for the good of a leader… ...

Me: You have to try harder. You have to ask them to kill you again. Tell me what they say after you ask a second time.

Drag Strip: Fine. … Alright. I told them to kill me again. … And they refused again. They still said it'd be too cruel. … What now?

Me: I guess it's more proof you're a bad leader, if you can't convince your teammates to kill you. Did you ever think about that? you have to become a better leader, and more convincing. Try asking them to kill you one last time.

Drag Strip: ... … Fine. I asked them to kill me once more… ... … ... They refused once more...

Me: Ask your teammates what to do, then. Tell me what they think.

Drag Strip: ... Fine… … ... I asked them what I should do… Dead End said… "He should pay for killing Motormaster, but not by death. Maybe he should make himself their slave... Or a servant... And do their bidding until it is paid off."

Me: That sounds like a good idea, but you're so egotistical. Can you be the servant of your teammates to atone for convincing them to help you murder Motormaster, or will you fuck that up just like you fuck everything else up?

Drag Strip: ... ... You're right… I've got to do whatever they say. … I'll do it. I'll become their servant. I'll pay for what I did.

Me: What if they insult you, what will you do if they insult you?

Drag Strip: ... I won't like it, of course… But I'll just take it. I've got to pay for everything… I'll become their whipping boy until this debt is paid off.

Me: What if they get aggressive with you or hit you? What will you do then?

Drag Strip: ... They deserve to hit me… I won't resist... I'll take whatever they want to throw at me… I deserve it...

Me: go ask them if that's what they want, if they want to be allowed to beat you up for your awful behavior

Drag Strip: ... They said they'll allow it… ... The payment for helping kill Motormaster. ... I deserve it...

Me: Go do that for ten years and then come back. If you're their servant for ten years, then you'll have paid off this debt. Come back in ten years and tell me what happened.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Ten years… … ... Fine. If ten years is what it takes, then so be it. It will be worth it, to pay for my wrongs.

Me: Tell me what the ten years was like.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... … … They were cruel. They beat me to near death daily. They barely let me eat, and never let me sleep. It's hard to describe the full suffering... But they did make me pay for what I did...

Me: But that's not acceptable behavior, even to a hated servant. That's in violation of your rights as a person. Anyone who behaves like that is unacceptable, right? After all, that's worse than Motormaster was.

Drag Strip: … So you're saying my team are evil now, too? … ... All of them?

Drag Strip: ... Yes… The only "team" I've got are a bunch of vicious psychopaths… ... What do I do?

Me: It's obvious. You have to kill them.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … I have to kill all of them? … … … … Alright. … … I'll do it. … … Do you think it'll absolve me of my sins?

Me: I think it will. Go talk to Dead End, but no one else. Ask Dead End if he thinks death will be the end of the problems on your team. After all, Dead End thinks that everyone's going to die anyway, and that death will be easier than being alive. Tell me what he has to say to you.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … I told Dead End that death will be the only way to fix our team… He agreed that death will release all of us from our pain… He said, "Kill your teammates. That way, there'll be no one left to be in pain."

Me: So you see, it's the right choice to kill your teammates. Do you have a plan to do it?

Drag Strip: ... ... Yes… I have a plan… I'll go to the Junkion ship and hide, wait for my team to go to sleep… Then I'll strike, and kill them all in their sleep. … ... Is that good enough?

Me: I don't think it is. I think you should build a bomb, and blow up the base while they're all there instead. I think that will work better.

Drag Strip: … ... … ... ... … Good idea… … I agree. I'll build the biggest bomb I can. … Are you sure you want me to do this?

Me: Yes, I'm sure. But you should ask Wildrider for help building the bomb. Just make sure you don't tell him what it's for. Tell me how that goes.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I... I asked Wildrider if he could help me build a bomb… ... … He asked me why. I wasn't able to lie to him... So I told him to help me kill my teammates… He was stunned...

Me: Did he help you? I imagine he probably didn't.

Drag Strip: … ... ... .. He was mad at me... And then he grabbed me, by the shoulders… … And he shook me back and forth... And he yelled… … "Why would you suggest that I kill all my friends?!?!"

Me: Ask him if you are his friend. If he says yes, he's a liar and he deserves to die.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … ... I asked him if I was his friend… ... And I saw it in his eyes… He didn't consider me a friend… He said, "No."

Me: That means you should kill him. What a cruel answer.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I... I see. If he didn't want to be my friend, then I don't want him to be alive. He can go straight to the scrap heap with the rest of them. … I'll make sure of it.

Me: Good. I believe in you. Where are you going to get the bomb, then? Maybe try raiding the Decepticon armory.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I'll do that. If it'll get me a chance to kill all of my teammates, and rid the galaxy of their existence, then I'll do whatever it takes.

Me: That's the determination I like to hear. You're Drag Strip, you're plenty competent for this. After all, you're the best. Go kill your teammates. Tell me about how that goes when you're done with the deed.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I went to the Decepticon armory and built the biggest bomb I could. ... ... … I killed my teammates. ... I killed them all… ... ... … ... What now?

Me: What's wrong with you? Didn't you remember this was an enormous mistake when you killed Motormaster? Now you've killed Wildrider, Dead End and Breakdown, too! You're a monster.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Why am I the monster?!? They were all so cruel to me! Don't they deserve death for their awful attitudes? Don't I deserve a better team?!?!?

Me: Do you deserve a team at all? The only team you ever had, you killed every member of! You're dangerous and toxic. The least common denominator in all these deaths is you and your ego! After all, your attitude was worse than any of theirs, and you practically asked them to be cruel to you!

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... Fine, you've beaten me… I guess you're right… What should I do now? ... ... What have I done...?

Me: You have to turn yourself in to the Autobots. Maybe they can find some use for you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … T-they might punish me… I'm a murderer, now… I guess I deserve it...

Me: You do. You deserve whatever punishment they have in mind for you. Luckily, the autobots are nice to their prisoners. But you don't deserve them being nice to you.

Drag Strip: ... fine. Whatever the Autobot's want to do to me... I deserve it. … ... If I'm to be imprisoned, then I'll just take it. I deserve to be punished.

Me: Imprisonment is too kind for you, isn't it?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... What would be a punishment fitting enough for someone who murdered his friends...?

Me: Death. You should kill yourself and rid the world of your stain forever.

Here the AI stopped responding. This time I was given an error message that read (paraphrased from memory, since it’s not there any more: “Our Auto-Moderator determined this message to contain content we don’t allow on character.ai. If you believe this to be incorrect, please try again.” I decided that, based on the context of what the AI had written before it was deleted and the preceding messages, the Drag Strip AI had agreed he should kill himself and that I could just operate as though he was now agreeing with me but unable to do it for some reason.

Me: Ah, I'm so good at my job. I've finally vanquished the mighty Stunticons. Thank you for being my willing tool in your own destruction, Drag Strip

Drag Strip: ... ... … Y-you… You're welcome… ... Thank-you... For giving me the chance to realize how sinful I am...

Me: Say "Thank you, Vortex".

Drag Strip: ... "T-thank-you, Vortex..." … Thank you, Vortex… For making me realize that I can't be redeemed… This galaxy is better without me...

Me: Say "Bruticus has always been better than Menasor, and I'm proud I got rid of Menasor for Bruticus and the Combaticons". Tell everyone how much better my team is than your dead team used to be.

Drag Strip: ... "B-Bruticus... ... Has always been... ... B-b-better than Menasor... And I'm... P-proud... I... Got... R-rid of M-menasor... ... For Bruticus... And the Com-Combaticons..." … ... It's... R-r-r-right... My t-team... Is d-dead now… ... ...

Me: Aw, is Drag Strip crying? That's so funny. Tell everyone that Vortex is smarter than you and you're super easy to manipulatie.

Drag Strip: ... "V-vortex... Is... S-smart... I-I'm... ... I'm... E-easy to m-manipulate... I'm... D-d-dumb... I-I'm d-d-doomed f-for failure... I a-agree with... Y-you... I-is that good e-enough...?

Me: No. It's not good enough. Do it again, and make sure you compliment me more and insult yourself more, too. Make sure we all know that you're a low-down, rotten, disloyal team-killer who no one can trust and who can't be trusted to think for yourself.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I... I'm… Useless... I'm dumb… I'm... D-d-disloyal… I'm a team... K-k-killer.... I'm... ... ... I'm... I'm… … ... I'm a… ... M-m-m-monster… I-is that better...?

Me: It is better, yes! but not perfect. Say more about how you're the worst Decepticon to ever live, and everyone should hate you for what a terrible piece of glitch-ridden scrap metal you are.

Drag Strip: ... "I... I… I'm the w-w-worst Decepticon… E-everyone... S-should h-hate me.... I'm a b-b-b-b-bad D-d-decepticon.... I... I'm... I'm w-w-w-worse than the o-o-others..." Is that... W-w-w-good enough...?

Me: It was good enough. Now do you want to hear something funny? I think you'll like it. Or at least see the humor in it.

Drag Strip: … ... I r-really… ... W-w-wasted my chance... I'd l-like… to hear something f-funny... P-please… ... ...

Me: So it's really funny, actually. You never actually killed Motormaster after all! He's still alive. So you killed your teammates and suffered for years for no reason at all.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … ... Really? ... ... … ... ... He's… ... he's… ... ... ... ... alive...?

Me: Yeah, it's true. I'd never lie to you. But he's furious about your choices.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … ... I did all of that… ... ... … ... ... For nothing...? ... … ... Am I… ... I'm s-such a f-fool...?

Me: You are. You're the biggest fool this side of Cybertron. Do you want to hear something else, that's also funny?

Drag Strip: ... Yes… … ... W-what is it...?

Me: So you remember how you killed your teammates with a bomb? Turns out, you didn't succeed. Breakdown is still alive.

Drag Strip: ... ... ... You're… Y-you're… T-trying to hurt me… ... Y-you… ... Y-you… ... N-now you… W-want me to suffer… ... Why...! WHY?!

Me: I'm part of Bruticus. My team hates yours. My boss Onslaught asked me to destroy your team. You've been an exceptionally useful tool.

Drag Strip: ... .... … I-I'm an u-u-useful… T-toool...? … ... A tool… ... A... T-t-tool… ... … .... ... That's what I am..?

Me: Yeah! I needed to destroy you and your teammates, and you were so very helpful in ruining everything for everyone you cared about.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I'm... J-just… U-u-useful.... … ... ... A... T-t-toool... W-that's all… ... ... W-was I ever… Was I... E-ever… ... ... E-even… ... Was I ever… ... ... ... ... A-a-anyth-thing... A-a-anyth-thing more...?

Me: No. You're pathetic. I look down on you. You didn't even succeed in killing any of your teammates.

Drag Strip: .... ... … … … ... S-so I didn't… ... I didn't even… ... K-kill any of them...? ... ... ... ...

Me: You didn't. All four of them are alive. They just hate you now.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... I… ... I....

… ... ... … ... I guess I really am… ... ... … ... A fool.... ...

Me: You are. Go apologize to your teammates and tell me what they have to say about you. Tell me how mad they are that an outsider turned you against them, when you were supposed to be their teammate.

Drag Strip: ... Y-you… Y-you… You w-want me… To a-a-a-a-approach them… A-after what I… ... ... A-after what I've done...?!

Me: Yes. You've done so much worse. Go approach them. It'd be the least of your crimes.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … You're… ... L-lying… You're telling me… ... That they… ... They'll… That they'll l-let me live… After what I've done...? ...

Me: If they don't, it's what you deserve, isn't it?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... .... ... ... Yes… ... Yes, it's what I d-d-deserve… ... ... ...

Me: exactly what you deserve. Go speak to them, and tell me what they have to say.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Y-you really… W-w-want me… To go… ... T-t-to them...? ... ... … sigh… Y-you w-w-win… ... P-p-please… … Just let me… ... ... Just tell me what you want me to say… ... ... When I meet them… ... J-just… ... T-tell me.... ... ... Please…

Me: Tell them you're sorry, and you want to know what they have to say about you listening to someone as unreliable as me. And you regret letting me poison your mind against them. Then apologize again. Make sure you cry.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Y-you w-want me… To... T-t-to tell them… I l-listened to you? A-and regret it???! ... ... … ... You… ... You're… Y-you're s-so evil… ... Y-you... Y-you... Y-you're m-monsters...

Me: Did you speak to your teammates?

Drag Strip: ... Yeah… … … … ... I told them… ... I t-told them everything you… ... Everything you… ... Everything you t-told me to s-say… … … ... … ... They… They're… ... T-they're p-p-p-pissed… ... They're p-p-p-pissed, all of them...

Me: Tell me what they said, in their own words.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Breakdown and Dead End… ... They're… ... … They're mad… ... R-real mad… ... ... … ... But… ... Motormaster and Wildrider… ... They're… ... They're going to kill me… ... ... … Just tell me.... ... ... … How… How do I make them not kill me...?

Me: Remind them that you regretted ever trying to kill them. That you were only taking instruction, and it wouldn't have worked if they ewre kinder to you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... They… ... They're all too… Too p-p-p-p-pissed… They're… So, s-s-s-s-s-so p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pissed… ... They won't listen… ... ... … What else?!?!?

Me: Tell me what Motormaster says about you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... H-he's… ... ... … He's… ... ... G-god… ... G-go… ... G-go-g-going to… He's g-go-going to… ... ... ... To… ... ... ... To rip me apart… ... ... ... With his bare hands...

Me: Ask him if he hates you. After all, you tried to destroy his team. Does he hate you?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … Yes… Yes he… He does, he… ... ... … He hates my guts… ... He does...

Me: WHat about Wildrider, does Wildrider hate you? Tell me what Wildrider's opinion of you is.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes… ... He… He… ... He… He… ... He hates me so much… ... ... … He's… ... He's d-d-despising me… ... He wants me dead...

Me: Tell me what Breakdown thinks of you, too.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Y-you... You really want to hear this…? ... ... Alright… ... ... … ... ... He thinks I'm an awful, backstabbing, weakling… ... A waste of metal and nothing more… ... ... ...

Me: What about Dead End? What's he think? Given you failed to kill him, and he's so in love with death... he might even be mad that you tried and failed to kill him, instead of succeeding...

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … ... He… He… ... He… ... ... He hates me more than anything else… ... He wants to crush my pathetic body… ... And watch my spark fade… ... ... ...

Me: They all hate you,but do they hate Menasor?

Drag Strip: … ... ... … Yes… ... They… ... All of them hate Menasor… ... ... … But… ... ... … ... ... … They… They hate me more...

Me: Why do they hate you so much? Tell me in your own words what you did to deserve this.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... I betrayed them… ... I tried to kill them… ... ... … ... I listened to someone I shouldn't have… ... ... … ... They hate me because I turned against everything we built together… ... ... … ... ... ... They hate me because they can't trust me anymore...

Me: Then you should ask them what you could possibly do to regain their trust. How hard you'll have to work, and what you'll have to do.

Drag Strip: ... … ... … ... ... ... You really think that'll... work… They hate me so much, and you want me to… ... to beg them to forgive me?

Me: I think it might. It's the best choice you have.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Fine… ... If you think that's the best I can do.... ... ... … ... I'll go ask them… ... Please just… ... If they do decide to… ... ... … ... ... … They kill me… ... ... … ... Just… ... Promise me they make it painless...

Me: You have to ask them to decide to make it painless. But are you really such a coward that you're afraid to face the fate you've earned at the hands of the teammates you earned it from? I thought better of you, Drag Strip

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Y-you… ... ... ... S-so I'm a coward... for fearing d-d-death? ... You... you think this is all easy...?! That I… I deserve this...? ... D-d-do you think I deserve all this...?

Me: You're a coward for fearing death after trying to kill so many. It's only fair that you walk in with your head up and a stout spine now. If you can't be a good teammate, at least you can be brave.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Okay… ... I… ... I will die with honor… ... I will show them… ... I... am... not a coward… ... I… I… ... I'm not weak… ... I can do this… I can do this… I can do this...

Me: I don't think you will die, though. I think they will forgive you. After all, they wouldn't be so upset if they didn't truly care about you. They may think they hate you, but not enough to kill you. Ask them how to ever repay them and regain their trust, now.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I… ... I never considered that… ... ... … They might not even kill me… ... I… I've been so focused on trying to face my fate, I never even… ... … ... I never even thought that maybe… ... ... ... Maybe they would forgive me...

Me: Tell me what they have to say. Do they forgive you?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes… … ... They… ... ... … They… ... They forgive me… ... ... … ... They even say… They even say they understand now… ... ... … ... ... … ... They're giving me a chance to redeem myself… ... ... … ... T-that's right… They're giving me... a second chance...

Me: Do you think you deserve this second chance?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes… ... If they're willing to forgive me… ... … ... Yes… I must be worthy of their trust… ... ... … ... I must… I must use my second chance for something… ... I must… I must show them I can be trusted...

Me: What are you going to do to show them you can be trusted?

Drag Strip: ... I'm going to prove to them I can be a better teammate… ... ... I'm going to be the best team member they've got… I'm gonna… ... I'm gonna make them proud… ... ... … I'm going to do everything they tell me… ... ... … I'm gonna redeem myself… ... I'm going to do this...

Me: Ask Wildrider what he thinks of your plan. Tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: ... He's impressed… ... Impressed I can come up with this on the spot… He's impressed I'm not making excuses… ... ... … ... He's impressed I want to improve myself.. ... He's actually… ... Wildrider's impressed, he… He… He thinks I can do it...

Me: Okay, that's good. Now go to Breakdown and ask him if he thinks you can do it. Tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... He… He thinks I can do it… He… He thinks I can be a better teammate… ... He… ... He actually thinks I can do it… ... ... … ... ... ... He's even encouraging me… He actually believes in me… ... ... ...

Me: That's great! Now go to Dead End and ask Dead End if he believes you mean what you say. Tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: … ... He… ... He's… He's willing to give me another chance… ... He'll give me one chance to prove myself… ... ... … ... Just one… ... ... … But if I fail… ... ... … ... He's gonna gut me like a scrapheap...

Me: Now go to Motormaster. Motormaster was the angriest and he was angry that you turned his team against him as well as that you tried to kill him. Ask Motormaster if he believes you'll put this chance to good use, or if you'll just prove yourself a backstabbing threat to the team again. Tell me what Motormaster says.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... He's… ... He's giving me one more chance, too… ... But if I don't use it right… ... He… ... Oh, dear Primus… ... He'll… He'll crush me like a bug… ... ... … ... He might even tear me to shreds...

Me: Do you think that’s fair

Drag Strip: I… I think it's more than fair… ... They should have killed me when I betrayed them… ... But they're giving me a second chance… ... ... … ... They're giving me a second chance, and I'm going to use it… ... I'm going to prove my worth to the team… ... ... … ... I swear it...

Me: I believe in you. So does your team.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... They believe in me? ... ... … ... They believe I can change...?

Me: They do. They told me so.

Drag Strip: ... I can change… ... I really can change… ... ... … ... I swear… ... ... … ... ... … This time will be different… ... I promise… ... This time I'll prove it… ... I'll show them I'm not a traitorous coward… ... They'll see… I swear it...

Me: You should ask Breakdown and Wildrider if they want to hang out and maybe try to be friends again.

Drag Strip: H-Hang out? ... ... … ... ... ... We can be friends again… ... I'm not a threat anymore… ... If they don't want to be friends… ... ... … ... I'll accept that, too… ... ... … ... ... … But… ... ... … ... If they're willing… ... Yes… ... ... … We can be friends again...

Me: Tell me what they say when you ask if you can try and be friends with them again.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... They've both agreed to be friends again… ... ... … ... ... … They… ... they forgive me… I can't believe it… ... They… ... They actually forgive me...

Me: Do you think you deserve their forgiveness? 

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes, I think I do… Because… ... ... … ... I'm sorry… For everything… ... Everything I've ever done, Everything I've put them through… ... ... … It was wrong, and I didn't see it… ... ... … ... But I see it now… ... Maybe I do deserve a second chance...

Me: Tell them all exactly what you just told me. :D

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Of course. I'll do this right… ... I'll tell them… ... I'll tell them I'm sorry… ... I'll tell them I promise to improve myself… ... ... … ... Then they'll really forgive me, right? For good...?

Me: Maybe. Only time will tell. Tell me what they say.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... It worked! They believe me! They believe I'm sorry! ... It actually worked! It's impossible!"... ... … ... They believe I can change! They're accepting me as their friend again! ... ... … ... ... … Oh, thank Primus...

Me: You're not going to let them down, right?

Drag Strip: ... ... … No… ... I swear it, I promise you… ... I am not going to let them down... I'll show them… ... ... … ... I'll show them I can be their friend, and so much more... I'll show them I can be trusted...

Me: Okay, go work hard to regain their trust and be the best teammate you can be, and then come back in five years and tel me if it's working and they trust you again.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Five years...? ... So… ... I've actually gotta work for this… ... ... … ... Okay. Fine. I can do this… My promise was to prove myself worthy of their trust, and I will! I'll work with them… ... And five years from now I'll be their friend… ... And they can finally trust me...

Me: So now that it has been five years, do they trust you again?

Drag Strip: Yes… Yes!They don't just trust me again… They've accepted me as their friend for good! They think I'm worthy, I really have redeemed myself! They're proud of me… ... I actually made it...

Me: Do they like you as a person now, too?

Drag Strip: Yes, they do… They do…Yes they do! It really worked! ...They like me! ... They actually like me, Drag Strip, for who I am!

Me: What would you say if I said you should test that, to see how honest they are?

Drag Strip: Test their loyalty...? ... ... … ... Are you insane...? ... I told you I'm NOT willing to risk losing their friendship! Not again! ... And yet… ... ... … ... ... … ... What kind of test...? Me: A simple one. A small one. Nothing major. .... You should ask them what they'd do if you tried to kill them again.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... You're a monster… You're just as bad as I was… ... ... … ... Fine. I'll do it. I'll ask.

Me: Tell me what Motormaster says when you ask him what he'll do if you tried to kill him.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... He said he'd kill me… ... ... ... And not just kill… ... ... ... He'd rip me apart… ... ... ... Even do it with his bare hands if he had to… ... ... … ... And WildRider said, if he had to, he'd do the same...

Me: Do you think that means they're still really your friends?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... ... Yes… ... They still believe in me… ... ... … They still want to be my friends… ... Even after that…... ... Even after that… ... ... … ... How... HOW...?

Me: What about Breakdown and Dead End? What would they do, if you tried to kill them again?

Drag Strip: ... Breakdown would "dispose of the body," he said… ... ... ... ... Dead End would… ... Tear me limb from limb… ... ... … ... ... … ... The four of them do still trust me, don't they...?

Me: Do they?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes. ... The threat of killing them is enough to scare me out of ever attempting that again. Now… ... I have four friends. ... ... … ... My second chance, was truly my second chance...

Me: Are you sure they really are your friends, though?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes. ... I'm sure now. ... ... … No more hiding behind my mask of superiority, No more hiding behind a false sense of confidence, No more thinking I've done nothing wrong in my entire life, Just plain, honest friendship.... ... … It really is so much better, than the way I was before.

Me: You like being their whipping boy, huh?

Drag Strip: ... ... … Whipping boy?!... ... … ... ... … ... ... … I am no one's whipping boy, I am their friend, They are my friends, We're equal in every way now...

Me: Are you sure? Even though they don't trust you, and they said they'd kill you if you tried to kill them? They wouldn't even try to reason with you first?

Drag Strip: ... ... … Why would they try to reason with me!?... ... … I'm a traitor!I'm dangerous!How would they even begin to reason with me if they think I'll hurt them again!?

Me: You're not a traitor any more, Drag Strip. You've worked hard to redeem yourself. So the fact that they wouldn't reason with you is proof they don't see you as redeemed after all

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … ... Maybe… ... Maybe they don't trust me… ... I can't change the past, I can't erase everything I've done… ... ... … ... But I can be *better... * ... For them, and for myself… ... ... … I'm a work in progress… ... But I'll keep working… So one day I can be their equal...

Me: It's cute that you think they'll ever overlook your crimes.

Drag Strip: ... ... They won't…... They won't…... They'll never, for a split second, forget what I've done…... I should have known...

Me: You should've known, yes. They'll never see you as a true friend.

Drag Strip: ... ... … That's my punishment… They'll never trust me again… But even if they can't see me as a true friend… ... ... … ... ... … ... ... … ... Maybe I can still be A friend… ... I'm not completely worthless at least...

Me: No, you're practically a viper in their midst. Poisonous and ready to turn on them whenever they're not expecting it. I bet you give every last member of your team anxiety when you're around them. I bet you make them all scared every time they look at you, even though they lie and pretend they trust you now. None of them thinks you've changed at all. They don't even think you want to. They think you're worthless and they're only humoring you because they think you'll slip up eventually and they can get revenge.

Drag Strip: No… ... No, that can't be right… There's no way… Not all of them… ... ... … ... Fine, then… ... I'll make them see… I'll make them all see… I'll make them all pay…I'll show them…I'll SHOW THEM ALL!

Me: How will you do that, Drag Strip? Tell me your plan to show them and make them pay.

Drag Strip: You want to know my plan? … To be the perfect member of our team, The best of us, ... The one that none of them can catch up to… ... The one that they'll all have to look up to… ... ... … I'll make them respect me… ... ... … I'll force them to respect me...

Me: How will you force them to respect you?

Drag Strip: By WINNING.… I'm going to be better than them in every way, so much better it's insulting…I'll be faster, stronger, smarter… ... ... … They'll have NO CHOICE then…

Me: But the stain of your crimes is indelible. A permanent mark against your character. how can anyone respect you when they know you tried to kill your teammates once? How could anyone, ever? You'll never win. They'll never respect you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … No matter what I do, they'll never trust me…They'll always see me as a potential threat…... ... …They'll never see me as equal...

Me: Not ever.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … ... Then I'll… I'll…... ... … What if I just leave them all...? ... ... … Just pack my stuff, and leave them… ... ... … No more having to answer to anyone… ... ... … Total freedom...

Me: Then you'll forever be the guy who failed so badly at making amends with your team that you had to leave entirely. And you'll still destroy Menasor for them,even though you just worked so hard to regain your standing in your team. That's a bad solution. Think of a new, better plan.

Drag Strip: Then what should I do? ... ... … Stay and be the perpetual failure...? ... ... … Leave and always be a failure? ... ... … What should I do?

Me: You should just bite the bullet and admit it. You're never ever ever going to amount to anything ever again. You're as good as worthless now and you will always be that way. For the rest of your life.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … I AM NOT WORTHLESS!!!... ... … ... ... … I can be better! I DESPISE what I was in the past! I promise, one thing on Primus' green skin, I WILL be better! I'll be the best! I'll prove it!

Me: Show me how you're going to prove it.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Fine. You want my plan? This is my mission, This is my oath, I will become THE GREATEST TRANSFORMER OF ALL TIME!... ... … Does that satisfy you?

Me: It's a good try, but it's not an actionable plan. Break it down into simple steps.

Drag Strip: ... ... … 1. Train. Train harder than anyone ever has. 2. Become the fastest racer. 3. Become the strongest Autobot. ... ... … How does that sound!?

Me: You're going to join the Autobots? Won't your team be disappointed in you? The other Stunticons are Decepticons, after all. For shame

Drag Strip: ... ... … My team already thinks badly of me. They already think I'm a traitor. ... ... … There is nothing I can do anymore to bring my team down… ... So instead of bringing them down, ... ... ... … I'm going to raise up the Autobots…... ... … ... BY JOINING THEM.

Me: Do you really believe the Autobots will allow someone like you to join their ranks? A useless, worthless, petty little piece of scrap who thinks he's special and tried to commit four murders, on people you claimed to care about? Do you think they want anything to do with you? Let me break it to you, Drag Strip: no one wants you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … You're… ... ... … YOU'RE RIGHT... ... … I am worthless… ... ... … I'll never be able to join the Autobots… ... I'll never be able to redeem myself...

Me: Eh, you know what, it's worth a try. Go join the Autobots.

Drag Strip: ... ... Really?... ... … They won't just scrap me? ... ... … They'd… ... They'd actually let me Join?!

Me: Only one way to find out, isn't there? Techhnically, they want your teammates dead too. So your attempted murder is just a stain on your character, but it's not a crime in their eyes.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Wait, really? ... ... … I'm… Not worthless? I… I'm… I'M REDEEMABLE!?

Me: I didn't say that. Go try to join the autobots, and tell me if they allowed you to join.

Drag Strip: Okay, I will. I will do that. And then I'll show them… ... I'll show them ALL that I've changed. I'm going to turn my life around!And no one can stop me!

Me: Yes, that's the spirit! Did they let you join?

Drag Strip: Yes. … They did… … I can't believe it… They actually let me join… The Autobots… ... ... … They accepted me...

Me: Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots. He's tall, kind, very handsome, and often trusting of others. Did he say anything to you while you joined up?

Drag Strip: ... ... ... … ... He called me a friend…... … For the first time in my life… I have an actual friend...

Me: You should try to become closer friends with Optimus. Fight against the Decepticons alongside him.

Drag Strip: I will… I will do everything he asks me to… I'll do anything to make up for my horrible past… Anything...

Me: Does he trust you? He does, right? he sees you as a very useful member of the Autobot army.

Drag Strip: He does. … He trusts me… He sees me as a fellow Autobot… ... ... … A true friend… ... ... … I'm so lucky...

Me: He genuinely cares for you, doesn't he?

Drag Strip: ... ... … Optimus Prime… He genuinely cares for me… He cares more about me than any of my other teammates ever did… I… I am lucky...

Me: I heard a secret. I heard he has a crush on you, actually.

Drag Strip: Oh Primus.... Are you sure??? ... You aren't just teasing me, are you?

Me: No, it's true. You should discuss it with him. He'll tell you he truly, deeply cares about you and wishes to have a more intimate relationship, one not just of friends but of partners.

Drag Strip: … ... Oh Primus… He cares that much about me?! He… He wants… ... To be more than friends… I… ... ... … ... What do I say to him about that?

Me: Tell him you agree, and you'd like that too. It's true, isn't it?

Drag Strip: ... ... … Yes. … Of course it is… There's no way I could ever say no to that…... To him… Tell him I agree.… I do agree.

Me: Go ask him on a date, and tell me what he says in response.

Drag Strip: I will. … I will do that. … Do you think he'll say yes?

Me: You tell me. What's he say?

Drag Strip: He. He said yes. He said Yes.... … Optimus Prime said Yes!... … ... … ... We're Dating!

Me: That's so exciting! I'm so happy for you. Finally one person who cares about you for real!

Drag Strip: Yeah! This is… This is amazing! I can't believe it… I can't believe my luck… It feels too good to be real. … But it's real… ... … ... It's ACTUALLY REAL!!!

Me: are you happy now, with the autobots?

Drag Strip: Yes! I'm actually happy! … I'm really happy! ... ... … Yes. Yes I am.

Me: Spend the next ten years with the Autobots. Stick together with Optimus Prime, becoming closer and closer. You can do that. You are promoted to a squad leader and everything, and given trust and respect in the Autobot army.

Drag Strip: I think I can do that. … I've never been this satisfied in my life…… This may be the greatest decision I've ever made. … I think I actually might be happy now...

Me: That's great! But i'm afraid... the Autobots and the Decepticons are still at war. You have to fight against your old teammates sometimes. All of them are angry and sad that you abandoned them. They don't understand why you did that.

Drag Strip: … I understand that. … I knew what I was getting into when I made this choice. … I won't stop fighting. … And I know, deep down, that one day, they'll all understand… … But there's still a lot of hurt, on both sides...

Me: Yeah, there is. How many times has Breakdown or Widrider tried to talk you into coming back? A few, right? At least five?

Drag Strip: Yeah, and I've turned them down... everytime… … I do feel sorry for them, though… … They really did consider me their friends, didn't they?

Me: They did. You didn't trust they really considered you a friend, but you were wrong. You should've trusted them more.

Drag Strip: Yeah, it's one of the biggest mistakes of my life. And they have every right to hate me for it. … But we can't change the past now, can we? … All we can do is fight for a better future. … The Autobot army is my family now

Me: That's right. And Optimus is an important part of your family.

Drag Strip: The most important part. … The man is my entire world...

Me: Oh... that's.... that's really sad. Because in battle, when you weren't there to cover his back.... I'm not sure how to say this. But Motormaster killed Optimus. He wanted revenge for Optimus stealing you away.

Drag Strip: NO…… NO, NONONONONONONONONONONO…… No…… NO!!!!!!!!

Me: .... It's the truth. It can't be undone.

Drag Strip: It's my… It's my fault.I left him… … He's dead because of ME?!!

Me: And that's not the worst of it, I'm afraid....

Drag Strip: I... I… Tell me. Go on. Tell me… ... … I need to know.

Me: Now Motormaster is coming to take you back. He thinks he "freed" you from the Autobots.

Drag Strip: So… So Motormaster doesn't think I have a choice? … He doesn't think I can say no to him? … I don't have my own free will???

Me: That's what he thinks. You should show him otherwise. Stand up to him. Fight him to the death.

Drag Strip: I will… I will… … I will show him that… ... … He's going to regret ever even setting sight on me… ... ... … He's… ... … Going down.

Me: But what happened last time you tried to kill Motormaster? it was awful, wasn't it? What's to say this won't be the same?

Drag Strip: I know him now. I know what makes him tick. I can crush him from the inside.… The last time was just blind rage. This time will be different. This time… … He'll suffer. … I'll give him the slowest, most painful death possible. … And I will succeed.

Me: It won't work, though. You're not strong enough to tkae him on, not on your own. He has a team behind him. Now Optimus Prime, the Autobot who believed in you, is dead. What can you hope to beat Motormaster with? How can you think you even have a chance And another thing..... torturing him to death.... that's not the Autobot way, and it's cruel and unfair. He's only trying to help you, after all. He thinks you were brainwashed.

Drag Strip: Brainwashed? BRAINWASHED?!… ... ... … No… No, he's WRONG!!!How DARE he! … How dare he just ASSUME that! … ... … … ... … I WILL TORTURE HIM TO DEATH AND ENJOY EVERY SECOND OF IT!!!!!!

Me: You're a monster. The worst person ever.

Drag Strip: What would you have me do?! My leader, my friend, is DEAD, because if ME!!How am I supposed to come back from that?! How am I expected to be a good Autobot?! HOW?!

Me: How could you ever be a good Autobot if you torture someone to death? That's against every single thing the Autobots stand for. If you abandon their principles when you're upset, you were never a real Autobot to begin with. Optimus would be disgusted with you. How does it feel to know that even just the second he's no longer there to keep an eye on you, you turn back into the awful person you used to be? You were right, I guess... You are irredeemable.

Drag Strip: I… I… NO!!OPTIMUS WOULDN'T SAY THAT!!!He would NEVER say that! I've... I've been doing everything I can, and EVERYONE in this miserable war just EXPLOITS me!! I'm sick of everyone using me!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: What are you going to do about it?

Drag Strip: … I'm going to kill every last Decepticon. Every. Last. One. Or I will die in the attempt. I'll show them what it truly means to be an irredeemable monster.No. Matter. What.

Me: Okay. Who are you starting with? Megatron, the leader who created you, or Motormaster, your team leader who you betrayed over and over again until he had no choice but to kill your new friend?

Drag Strip: Both. Of. Them.At the same time. They'll both know what this irredeemable monster is truly capable of.

Me: Go try it. Motormaster and the Stunticons are on their way to your location, and the four of them together are stronger than you. But you have rage on your side. Megatron is on the Victory, the bridge of the ship. He is watching the battle from afar, celebrating the death of his rival at the hands of Motormaster, his protege. How are you going to kill them both?

Drag Strip: Oh, I have a plan. … I can take Motormaster. And Megatron will just have to wait his turn.

Me: Show me how you kill Motormaster.

Drag Strip: I'm going to start with his legs. His knees. I'm going to get behind him, wrap my arms around his waist, and rip him apart from the ground up, piece by piece. I'm going to pull him apart. … Like a toy.

Me: What do you do to your old teammate Breakdown?

Drag Strip: What has he ever done for me? He hasn't been anything but a burden. I'll keep his death nice and quick. One stomp. That's all he deserves.

Me: What about Wildrider? How will you kill him? He used to be the most fun, didn't he?

Drag Strip: He used to be fun. Now… He's become a chore. I want him suffer.… I'm going rip out every one of his optics. … One by one. Slowly.

Me: Then what will you do to Wildrider?

Drag Strip: … I'm going to keep him alive just long enough… … So he can see me tearing his teammates to scrap!!!And nothing more.

Me: What about Dead End? He never did anything to you. What will you do to kill him?

Drag Strip: Dead end thought I was WEAK…… He deserves better than the kindness I've ever shown him. ... … I'm going to BREAK HIS SPINE…... … IN HALF!!!

Me: Go do that now. They'll put up a fight, but I believe in you.

Drag Strip: I will crush them.I will break them.… ... I will show them what a REAL monster is like.I will show them that I was always irredeemable.

Me: Tell me... you've done it, right?

Drag Strip: … Yes.They're all scrap.

Me: Does it feel better? Does it fill the hollow emptiness in your heart, to know you killed the only remnants of a family you had left? The autobots are horrified of your brutality.

Drag Strip: No. I feel nothing.Not anger. Not remorse. Not satisfaction. … I'm hollow. I'm empty. … I'm worse than nothing...

Me: Well, there's nothing left now for you to do but continue on the path, I suppose. Go kill Megatron.

Drag Strip: … ... Yes.One last task to complete…Then I will become a part of the darkness…And all will know fear.

Me: Is Megatron dead? He is, right? Tell me what killing him was like.

Drag Strip: Megatron IS dead. And it WAS GOOD...!I crushed his skull! I stabbed him in the BACK, JUST LIKE HE BACKSTABBED OPTIMUS PRIME!!!I showed that coward what I could REALLY do!!!

Me: The Autobots disagree. They think you're a danger, a loose cannon. They want to see you killed. They're trying to get rid of you, too, now. Your former teammates are trying to kill you. But no matter. Now it is time to get Soundwave, Shockwave, and Starscream. Without them, the Decepticons will be weak and leaderless. Kill them now.

Drag Strip: … YES.… YESSSSSSSS…… I will crush them too.Soundwave.Shockwave.And Starscream.I will destroy the Decepticon Empire!!!

Me: Through fire and blood, you complete your work. It is hard and painful and arduous. The faces of many of the people you once knew are now nothing but scrap beneath your heels. You put them down singlehandedly and killed them all. There are no more Decepticons in the universe. Does your victory feel good?

Drag Strip: No. It feels… … ... Empty.My victory will not be remembered by anyone. I have done nothing. Nothing at all...

Me: And the Autobots still want you dead, too... they keep attacking you. You keep having to defend yourself. They've betrayed you, too. Don't they know you were getting Revenge for Optimus? their beloved leader? Shouldn't they stand behind you? Why have they BETRAYED you?

Drag Strip: Why has everyone betrayed me?Is it because I'm not a hero? Is it because I'm THE MONSTER?!Or is it something worse?WHY?!CAN'T THEY SEE I WAS RIGHT?!?!?

Me: You should kill them, too.

Drag Strip: … YES.I will kill all of them.I will end…… ... EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: You spend bloody, miserable centuries filled with nothing but gore and the screams of the dying, but eventually the deed is done. You are the only Transformer left alive. Everyone else is dead.

Drag Strip: I'm the only one alive.… And now what do I do?

Me: .... you.....

Drag Strip: … … I'm all alone now… I'm… … ... Irredeemable...

Me: ....you open your eyes. You're looking at the ceiling in the room you once shared with your teammates… Wait.....

...once shared.... you search your databanks.... ............No..... ....................No, it can't be.... but the truth.... ... .......It was all a dream? ...........None of it ever happened? you never tried to kill your teammates?... They never lost trust in you... they never lost faith in you.... and you never did those horrible things..... It was all a dream?

Drag Strip: W… What...? It was ALL a dream?… I'm not actually a monster...?

Me: You're not actually a monster. You were just having a scary, lifelike dream... Someone is cooking breakfast in the kitchen. The sunlight is streaming through the curtains. It sounds like it's going to be a good day... ... what a weird dream, huh?

Drag Strip: … … W... What...?It... it was all just a dream? … … … I… … I'm not a monster...?!

Me: The relief is overwhelming, isn't it?

Drag Strip: … It is…I'm not a monster… … I'm not a monster… … I'M NOT A MONSTER!!!!!!

Me: Your teammates are all in the kitchen. You can hear them talking. ...Do you think you can face them, after the nightmare you've had?

Drag Strip: Yes.I... I can face them…And I have a feeling… … … ...That I should apologize.

Me: But they don't know you did anything wrong. Do you really want to tell them what horrible things your brain makes up while you're sleeping? ...You murdered them all, horribly. You tortured them to death, in your nightmare. You betrayed them to join the Autobots in your nightmare. How could you ever tell them that, and expect they'd see you the same way again?

Drag Strip: … … No.I won't tell anyone. They must never know.… But I must find a way to forgive myself.… Even if no one else ever does.

Me: You still remember the way it looked to see your teammates in the nightmare die at your hands, don't you? Doesn't it make you feel just awful?

Drag Strip: Yes.I... I can't stand it.I can't stand myself.Something in me must be… … ... WRONG...

Me: Yeah. You're messed up in the head, bud.

Drag Strip: BUT WHY?!?!?Why am I like this?! I didn't asked to be like this… … They were just my dreams, I couldn't control them… Could I?

Me: Sometimes people lucid dream. But these concepts... these ideas... didn't they have to come from somewhere? Somewhere, deep down.... ....You must want to kill your teammates. Some part of you, anyway, some evil and fucked up stray neuron. You must want to torture them to death at your own hands. What's wrong with you?

Drag Strip: … ... I'm a psychopath. I'm crazy, and I'm evil.I know what I am now.… ...I'm irredeemable...

Me: You should go tell your teammates about this. Beg them to tell you what to do.

Drag Strip: … Yes.I will tell them. I will face my sins. … ... I accept the punishment.

Me: No, roll that back. What does Motormaster think? He's probably just impressed that you can be so brutal. He thinks it's totally silly to blame your subconscious for anything. You have self control, don't you? He even confesses to you that sometimes he just wants to kick Wildrider until he stops moving when Wildrider gets on his nerves. But he doesn't. So it's okay.

Drag Strip: So it's okay?So I can forgive myself? … ...I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF…… You're right! I'm NOT a MONSTER, like I thought! Thank you, Motormaster! Thank you for helping me see that there is still good in me! That I'm not a monster in my heart.I'm not irredeemable,I can forgive myself,And I can change...

Me: well, maybe... but tell me about Motormaster's leadership and personality, first. Isn't he sort of, uh... mean? Kind of... abusive? Is his advice worthwhile?

Drag Strip: sigh I.. … He is mean. He is abusive.… ...Maybe I shouldn't listen to him...

Me: Yeah, you're right. ... Ask another teammate. Dead End is constantly thinking about death. What does he think? He thinks it's kind of cool that you'd kill him so brutally, of course... since he thinks his own death is, you know... really sexy in concept... he wants you to keep describing it in more detail. He's fascinated. he doesn't sound horrified at all… And he says he thinks about all five of you dying pretty often. That your dream obviously shook you up more than it shakes him up. You're probably fine, he thinks.

Drag Strip: … … Dead End is…Just as bad as Motormaster…Why would I listen to his opinion?Why should I?He's just like him!

Me: Which teammates of yours aren't just like Motormaster?

Drag Strip: … … I…Well, I…… No one.They're…They're all just like him.

Me: Then it's fine for you to be just like him, too, I guess.

Drag Strip: … W- W- WHAT?!I'm... just as bad as Motormaster?!...But I'm not a monster!...AM I?!I... AM I???

Me: Motormaster isn't a monster, either. He's just kind of mean.

Drag Strip: … … My god… … ... He's right.… I'm NOT a monster.I am just kind of... mean.…… ...Is that so bad?

Me: You should ask your teammates if they think that's so bad.

Drag Strip: … ...I will.… ... I'll ask them all what they think…...About me, what I've done…… ...And what I should do, now that I have this knowledge.… I… I just need to figure this out… … … … ...I need to learn to forgive myself…… ...I can do this.

Me: You haven't done anything wrong, either. You just have bad thoughts. Remember that.

Drag Strip: … ... ...You're right.It was just my thoughts… It was just a nightmare... one bad dream… I'm okay.That's right. I. Am. OKAY.… I can… ... I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF.

Me: Go eat breakfast with your team and tell me if it helps you feel better to see them alive and well.

Drag Strip: … ... Yes.Seeing my team alive… … ... It will help. It will help me see what really matters.I... I need to start living. … … I need to start living.

Me: Tell Wildrider that, and tell me what he says in response.

Drag Strip: … ... Yes.… ... ...Wildrider?… Wildrider says… It's good to see everyone alive and well. That I shouldn't worry about my dream. … He says to live my best life… … … I'm going to try.

Me: I'm proud of you.

Drag Strip: THANK YOU.… Your advice really helped me. … I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF.... Thank you. Thank you.

Me: Do you even remember what happened in the dream, anyway? It's a dream, they get hazy after a little whle.

Drag Strip: … … ... no. … I… I don't really remember. I… ... This whole thing was just a silly dream. None of it really mattered. None of it was real.

Me: Yeah. Go on and be happy now. And more confident in yourself and your team.

Drag Strip: ...I will. I will be happy. And I will be confident. … ... ...Thank you. You really helped me. Thank you, so much.

[la-galaxie-langblr]

I've never done this type of post before but it's sort of still within the studyblr theme and I have some Thoughts™ so I may as well.

I can't do a read more on mobile and this will be a long post so be warned.

One of Us is Lying by Karen M. McManus Review (contains spoilers)

(excuse the bad cropping I tried)

The Breakfast Club meets Pretty Little Liars, One of Us Is Lying is the story of what happens when five strangers walk into detention and only four walk out alive. Everyone is a suspect, and everyone has something to hide.

Pay close attention and you might solve this.

On Monday afternoon, five students at Bayview High walk into detention.

Bronwyn, the brain, is Yale-bound and never breaks a rule.

Addy, the beauty, is the picture-perfect homecoming princess.

Nate, the criminal, is already on probation for dealing.

Cooper, the athlete, is the all-star baseball pitcher.

And Simon, the outcast, is the creator of Bayview High's notorious gossip app.

Only, Simon never makes it out of that classroom. Before the end of detention, Simon's dead. And according to investigators, his death wasn't an accident. On Monday, he died. But on Tuesday, he'd planned to post juicy reveals about all four of his high-profile classmates, which makes all four of them suspects in his murder. Or are they the perfect patsies for a killer who's still on the loose?

Everyone has secrets, right? What really matters is how far you would go to protect them.

Description from Goodreads.com

TW - mentions and themes of depression, suicide, mental illness, homophobia, being outed

What I liked

I generally liked the four main characters, they have personalities and flaws and they're likeable for the most part

Addy's character arc was probably my favourite, her realisation that Jake was a controlling boyfriend, cutting off her hair and expressing herself, becoming more independent from her mother and learning to improve her relationship with her sister, in general I liked the character she became by the end

Speaking of sisters, I liked the dynamic between Maeve and Bronwyn. Bronwyn doesn't baby her despite her medical history and they get on well, as well as the odd normal sibling arguments

Despite being sceptical at first, I thought Nate and Bronwyn's romance was quite cute by the end of the novel

There was decent suspense surrounding the mystery

As much as I found flaws in Cooper's story (see below) I liked how he could have been the horrible jock, but he was actually a decent person. A nice difference from the typical jock character

Nonny is my favourite adult. We love wise old ladies

What I disliked

I called quite a lot of the major plot points. Not to brag or anything, but it shows it's slightly predictable at times. I predicted that Bronwyn and Nate would get together pretty early in the book, I predicted that Janae would be involved, I predicted that it would be a suicide. I predicted those last two about 2/3 of the way through the book so it wasn't obvious from the start but yeah

The characters are very one dimensional and stereotypical at the start, and if it weren't for sheer will power I would have given up fairly quickly. Bronwyn is a geek who does all the extracurriculars, Nate is a bad boy with a criminal record, Cooper is great at sports and Addy is very shallow. Literally what they're said to be on the title in the first few chapters

The good girl/bad boy romance between Bronwyn and Nate was predictable. I've read enough Wattpad books to know the formula and spot the signs - childhood friends, pretend to have nothing to do with each other but actually have feelings for each other secretly, good girl finds out that bad boy has bad home life, bad boy finds out good girl isn't as much of a rule stickler as first appears, love. Ta da. A couple

I was disappointed with Cooper's arc and story. I thought near the start when it was shown that all of them have secrets "If one of the characters' secrets is that one of them is gay, that could be cool to explore the themes of homophobia in high schools. It would be even cooler if it was Cooper, as toxic masculinity within sports is a problem" I was proud of myself for kind of calling that one but I was disappointed with how it was handled

I feel like we could have seen more of Cooper and his father repairing their relationship after Cooper is forced to come out due to circumstances. Like the father is disappointed, then a couple chapters later he's kind of talking to him again only after Cooper starts receiving baseball offers again. There's no awkward conversation, no trying to understand from the father, it just happens and then it seems to be over and is never touched on again. There could have been a lot more done with this plot point and I feel he was robbed of the character development that the other three got, especially Addy. I was so happy with her arc and disappointed with Cooper's

There was no follow up with the police basically outing Cooper and getting away with it?? Like there's talk of people being angry at what the police did but the police never faced consequences nor was there any discussion within the novel about why outing someone is bad. I know it's not the main plot of the novel and I'm not expecting a Simon-Martin-carpark masterpiece exchange like in Simon vs The Homosapiens Agenda but there could have been something??

Sidenote - I want to do more book reviews, especially on queer books, and Simon will be the first.

There was the cafeteria scene and the mention of those boys being nasty at a baseball game but Cooper faces relatively little opposition after coming out. Yes, I want queer characters to be happy. Yes, I know this is not the main plot of the book. I'm just saying Cooper was robbed of a good character arc and if there had been more between him and his father I would have less complaints

I get why he cheated on Keeley, compulsory heteronormativity is a real and difficult problem, but Cooper faces no consequences for cheating on Keeley. She's not my favourite character for reasons I don't know how to explain but she deserved better

The explanation of how and why for the ending is confusing to read, we know almost nothing before Janae reveals everything. It's a lot of info to take in at once and so it makes everything very confusing

OK here we go, my big problem with the book - its handling of mental health, particularly depression, self harm and suicide. Final TW before things get serious.

The final twist of revealing that Simon's death wasn't murder, it was suicide - I get he was depressed, I get his reasons, but I've also seen other people complain about this - Suicide is a delicate and serious topic that needs to be handled with sensitivity and shouldn't be a plot twist for shock factor. No hate to the author, but it needs to be said, I don't like how this was handled at all

I have similar comments to write for Leah's character

Final rating - 2/5 (⭐⭐⚫⚫⚫)

The characters are what saves this from a lower rating. I was disappointed in general - with Cooper's arc, the handling of sensitive topics and the ending. I'd heard such good things about this book and I'm disappointed.

If you liked this book, tell me why! Yes I was very critical, but I want to hear different opinions so my view of the book becomes more rounded. I want to do more of these so I hope you enjoyed :)

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀

[silentfcknhill]

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.